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October 01, 2005
October 15, 2005

by Sean Carless



Hey, Hey, TNA fans. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your “Hey, shouldn’t this have been up on Saturday night, Fuckhead?” TNA report for the original airing date of 10/15/05. I missed last week’s installment because of Canadian Thanksgiving; which of course is just like your Thanksgiving, only sans any real thanks because we don’t really have a lot to be happy about. C’est la Vie or something!


Anyway, that brings me to my point, and yes I do have one. You see, we are now on the lookout for a full-time TNA Impact recapper! And I think you’d be perfect for the job! Ok, maybe not you. You clearly have no talent whatsoever, but maybe that guy right there. You look like you could string a sentence together!


Ok then, what I’ll need from you is a brief sample of your Recapping/ranting style (recap one match, to give us the gist of what we can expect). But be original. And unique. And don’t suck. That’s probably the most important part. Oh, and most importantly, don’t forget to tell us what the match’s finish is. This is after all a recap. Except mine. Mine is just an excuse to squeeze as many of my stupid brain farts into a paragraph as I can, and secretly pass it off as a “recap”…. instead of what it really is. Shit? I don’t know.


Send those submissions here. I’m looking for someone as soon as possible, so get to the gettin’.


But first, let’s go over what we missed last week!


-3LK (3 Live Krew) beat Team Canada in SIX-MAN ACTION. Someone needs to tell Ron Killings to stop wearing dark pants, because if it wasn’t for his teeth, I wouldn’t even know he was out there!  Ok then. Wait, it’s all right. I can say this because my father is black. Ok, he’s not. But that did make you feel better for a second, right? Huzzah.


-Abyss defeats Sonny Siaki who goes an entire 5 minutes without killing someone. Good for him.


-Christopher Daniels defeats ROH favorite Austin Aries, and Matt Bentley in a three way dance when he pins Aries with the Angel’s Wings. Daniels then challenges AJ to come up with 3 guys next week and he’ll defeat them in a 15 minute Iron Man match.


-Tito Ortiz is introduced by Larry Zybysko, head of the very ambiguous championship committee, as the guest referee for Bound for Glory between Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett. Tito says they’ll have to respect him and his “rules”. Plus, if they lay a finger on him, he’ll break it. Punishment will be quick and severe! And his punishment will be final! The Big book of ridiculously cheesy clichés then falls from his pocket. It’s awkward for everyone. Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash then come out. Nash attacks Jarrett but is choked out from behind by Tito. Nash still looks ridiculous in that tiny ring. It kind of reminds of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer plays pool in Mr. Costanza’s converted den. Only there’s no Maestro to save this segment. Too bad.


-Team 3D def. AMW by DQ in a battle of abbreviations. AMW Vs. 3D No DQ On PPV! I can see it now. Anyway, a debuting Gail Kim interfered and low blows the former Dudleys. Did I mention she’s shown her titties? God bless this woman from Toronto Ontario Korea! Jeff Jarrett then comes out, and a vicious beat down commences. Jarrett, AMW and Kim then leave 3-D bleeding from the back of the head in a gross yet cool visual. No dramatic black and white WWE distortion here folks. Real blood; billowing from real heads. This is making me hungry.


That was your 10/08/05 Impact in a nut shell.


This week….


-From The Impact Zone, our hosts Mike Tenay and Don West welcome us to the show and go over the card. West thankfully gets through the hype without having his (sizeable) head explode Scanners-style.


“Alpha Male” Monty Brown Vs. Mikey Batts & Jerrelle Clark: Handi-cap match.


Monty is of course still wearing a women’s jacket, last seen on the back of a 40 something promiscuous woman, who as we speak is combing the bars looking for young men to devour in a night of savage middle-aged lust. They call them cougars here. And what they lack in youth they make up for in…umm, putting out? That’s right. Anyway, this is a good old-fashioned squash. Monty absolutely obliterates both men; first catching Batts as he leapt over the ropes, then back inside, destroys Jerrelle (who just hasn’t been the same since Krypton exploded…wait, wrong Jorel) with a belly to belly, followed by the POUUUUUUUNCCCCCCCCE! (Shoulderblock).  Mikey, then once again leaps from the top, and is once again caught by Monty, who muscles him onto his shoulders and hits the Alpha-bomb. He then simultaneously pins both men.


Winner: Monty Brown.



-After the match, Monty continues to sniff the air, then the ropes, but thankfully stops short at grooming his own asshole. Dude takes being a cat way too seriously. Monty grabs the mic, and welcomes us all to the Serengeti. This brings out Lance Hoyt. Who I understand has a cult following down here. Hoyt then challenges him, but Brown wants to do it at Bound For Glory. Hoyt finishes his spiel by saying you’ll never forget the name of…. Hoyt.  Umm, too late. (just kidding.)


-Backstage, head interviewer Shane Douglas interviews Larry Zybysko, who informs us The Naturals will defend the Tag Titles next week against AMW. Awesome! Wait. Who the fuck are the Naturals again? I mean, seriously. They might want to actually introduce them or something since the whole point of this show is to snag new viewers. Just saying. From there, Raven explodes onto the scene but is stopped by Security. Raven complains to Larry as he’s dragged off, how he was screwed out of his title in Canada, and how it’s bullshit that Nash is getting the Title shot. Clearly, Raven is forgetting the “Solid” Nash did him 1992 when he helped load Raven’s boxing glove with water, allowing Scotty “One punch-bingo” Flamingo to knock out Johnny B. Badd. Clearly.


-Package airs for Samoa Joe Vs. Jushin Thunder Liger. “Overly-dramatic TNA hyperbole vignette guy” sells the match awesomely.  Oh, Samoa Joe finally debuts next week, by the way. Can’t wait. I’m lovin’ Joe.


Matt Bentley w/ Traci Brooks w/ wonderful big fake breasts Vs. David Young w/ Simon Diamond who has apparently forsaken his Irish heritage to once again talk in the 3rd person.


Matt Bentley is of course the cousin of Shawn Michaels, only without the heavy shackles of moral conviction.  And David Young is a member of Simon’s seemingly all jobber “Diamonds in the Rough” stable. Which of course would make them coal. Which is completely worthless. Sounds about right.


Anyway, this is pretty obviously just a showcase for Matt, and he dominates accordingly. Young gets some offense in, including a clothesline and a suplex, but Bentley ends up hitting a big brainbuster, followed by the family inherited top rope elbow before finishing Young with some Sweet Chin Music. Wait, WWE owns that. Umm, Sugary Mouth Song? I don’t know. Anyway, superkick connects and that’s all she wrote.


Winner: Matt Bentley.



- After the match, Petey Williams attacks and hits the Canadian Destroyer on Bentley. (Fun Fact: The best way to actually destroy a Canadian is to have the NHL go on strike. Nearly crippled our country.) Anyway, Petey looks to deliver a Destroyer to Traci (but not before exposing her ass) but Chris Sabin makes the save. Hail Sabin they say! I’d also Hail Sabin, but I’m too busy trying to get my zipper back up after that Traci display.


-AJ Styles package is shown. No, not that package. Pervert.


-After the commercial, we get a quick video for the Naturals, sans Jimmy Hart (their manager) who apparently decided sharing high fives with a seemingly techno-raving Hillbilly Jim and other “legends” at WWE Homecoming was more important than his team. Great guy.


-Next up is the highly touted “Funeral” skit for 3D, as ministered by one James Mitchell.  We get a  quick look at the “guest list” which includes:


Vince & Linda

Paul & Stephanie

Paul H.

Kevin Dunn



It’s official. I love this company. Any company that would finally expose that Grenier is Pat Patterson’s cock puppet can do no wrong in my books. But hey, you can’t blame Sylvan. After all, it’s not his fault he misunderstood Pat when he told him that he really wanted to give him a “big ass push” when he first debuted…..


In any event, in attendance are Abyss, Team Canada, complete with black hockey sticks, Chris Harris and James Storm- who is drinking during the funeral, Gail Kim, and of course Jeff Jarrett… who apparently traveled back to 1986 and rolled either Crockett & Tubbs for their pink shirts. I never knew Salmon was an acceptable color to wear to a funeral. You learn something new everyday. Anyway, this segment was perversely entertaining to say the least. On the caskets of “Brother Ray” and “Brother Devon” are still shots of their bludgeoned heads. Classy.  From there, an inebriated Storm says they look peaceful, and members of Team Canada start crying. A box of tissues then get passed around (convenient, considering the outfit Gail is wearing) until Abyss comically crushes the box. James then asks when it’ll be finished because he needs to take a piss. Harris speaks up and says they joined Jeff Jarrett for the money (everyone yells the money!) and the power (everyone yells the power!) and then says no one will ever take their spots. Sermon over. Everyone is then standing, and Storm yells “I think I hear dead people! They’re saying Devon get the ….” Jarrett then interrupts and says something to effect of “Jimmy, they’re already dead, don’t give them any more lawsuits too!” Great stuff.  From there, James Mitchell says they’ll all reconvene here the night after Bound for Glory for the funeral of Kevin Nash.  Well, Nash already moves at the same speed as the elderly, so who knows. Anyway, Storm then takes a piss in the casket to close the skit. Funny shit.


Sabu Vs. Rhino (Get the “Y” out)


If I was Sabu, I’d come out wearing a giant plant pot like the way those homeless people wear barrels in the old cartoons, just to get under Rhino’s skin. Of course, that’s just me. Anyway, I was a fan of their last match at ECW One Night Stand, so I was actually looking forward to this.


Anyway, Rhino makes haste to the ring, and this one is under way. The two go at it, but Sabu gets a crazy leg lariat, but whiffs on a modified slingshot moonsault. But hey, it wouldn’t be a Sabu match if he didn’t fuck something up. That’s his charm. From there, a chair gets involved, and the referee lets it go, because without weapons, Sabu might actually be forced to use PSYCHOLOGY. Can’t have that. Anyway, both men have a chair, and actually begin dueling. “There can be only one!” Rhino however gets the best of that exchange and clobbers Sabu for a two count. Rhino then sets Sabu up for presumably a top rope piledriver, but Sabu counters that into a super hurricanrana that sends Rhino careening back-first onto a chair. Sabu goes for a cover, but only gets two.  Sabu then looks to finish with the Arabian skull crusher, but Abyss comes down and knocks Sabu off the ropes. Rhino then hits the GORE! for the win.


Winner: Rhino.



-After the match, Abyss and Rhino go at it. Abyss retrieves his trusty bag of thumbtacks, but here’s Jeff Hardy! He has a rag hanging out of his back pocket. Someone really needs to tell him what that really means. Sabu, is now back in with a chair. All four men then get pulled apart by security. I’ll see you at the Monster’s Ball! And No, Billy Bob Thornton  won’t be fucking Halle Berry in the ass on a trailer floor. That was the movie. Good luck following that.


-Bound for Glory promo airs.  Voice-over guy: “TNA is Bound for Glory! Even though there’s only 500 people in the crowd…who got in for free…and by the way, we pay SpikeTV to air our program too, but we’re still Bound for Glory!...I think.”   There you go. Order the PPV now, or Dixie Carter may have to resort to whoring herself out to the TNN Execs just to keep this show going! Hal Holbrook is going to be pissed!


-Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash promo airs.  Nash says that if Ortiz lays a hand on him , “I’ll tear it off and stick it up his ass. THEN, I’ll tear his legs off and have them surgically attached to my body, because my legs are always exploding for no reason, and I could really use a new pair!” Ok, he really only said the first part, sue me.


-Next week, a big Six-Man tag team Main Event! And about 55 minutes of commercials! Only on SpikeTV!


“Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels Vs. 3 Mystery opponents: 15 minute Iron Zinc(?) Man match.


Anyhoo, the story here is that Daniels has to defeat 3 men of AJ Styles choosing in under fifteen minutes… or die! Ok, they didn’t say what happens if he doesn’t do it. Anyway, the first opponent up is Shark Boy, whom I expect will be hearing from the Disney people any day now. In any event, Shark boy is a beloved cult favorite, best known for biting his opposition on the ass…despite having his mouth covered with a mask. Kayfabe lives, ladies and gentlemen! In any event, Shark boy puts up a valiant effort but is eventually overwhelmed by Daniels with Angel’s Wings for the pin.


Up next is Sonjay Dutt! And I find kind of perverse irony in the fact that Dutt must do battle with a guy (Daniels) who once called himself The Curryman.  Anyway, Dutt, known as the Original Playa from the Himalaya ( Wait, is there actually someone else out there claiming that handle?) puts up a much better fight than Shark Boy and takes Daniels to the limit as we go to commercial. We then return from the commercial to see Dutt tying up Daniels in the ol’ Royal Octopus hold. Daniels fights out, and catches Dutt in midair with a flatliner. Daniels then slams Dutt three consecutive times. From there, Daniels punishes Dutt by whipping him hard into the corner, then follows that up with a gut-wrench suplex before going for a chinlock/rear naked choke. Dutt however fights out, hits a crazy hurricanrana, and goes up to the ropes, Undertaker style, and walks said ropes, complete with crazy rope walk, before delivering an elbow. With Daniels down, Dutt hits another elbow drop for good measure. Dutt then goes for the kill and hits a DDT, before climbing to the top for a splash…which misses, allowing Daniels to recover, hit the enziguiri, and the follow-up Angel Wings for the win with about two minutes and change to spare. Oh well. Back to the Himalayas playa scene for Dutt to pick up women….or Llamas. Whatever.


The 3rd and final man is then introduced: AJ STYLES.  The two then brawl wildly on the floor, then back in the ring.  From there, Daniels almost gets the Angel’s Wings, but AJ escapes and delivers a series of clotheslines to the Fallen Angel. AJ ‘s on a roll and the limit expires. DRAW. Good little tease for the PPV. Nice stuff.




-After the match, AJ is on the mic and says that he’d continue the match with Daniels, but he gets a full thirty minutes at the PPV, so he’ll wait until Bound for Glory.


End show.


Final Thoughts: Good little show this week. Much better than last week. At least in my opinion. The Funeral sketch proved that even though they don’t nearly have the resources of a WWE, they can still produce entertaining TV. Thumbs up.


I'm Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TNA IMPACT! 10/01/05


A lot of people may label me a loser for staying home on a Saturday Night  just to watch wrestling, but I can promise you, there's plenty of better reasons why I'm a loser. Wait. That didn’t come out right.


Tonight's Impact comes to us from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL. The very same place that brought us the magic that was WCW World-Wide in the mid-90's. You remember, the wrestling show that existed in a parallel Universe to our own, where guys did Interviews wearing Championship Belts that they would go on to win (or sometimes not even) like 4 months later. Good times.


The Show opens up with a really cool little video package done by former WWE'er Dave Sahadi (Fun Fact: Dave Sahadi's father was actually the mysterious "ghost writer" Mick Foley eventually turned down in Foley is Good, to pen the novel himself)  introducing us to the three champions of TNA wrestling, AJ Styles, The Naturals and Jeff Jarrett respectively. Jarrett is put over as a, and I quote, man who has won a “World Title” in every company he’s wrestled in. (When you’re the King of the World Wrestling All-Stars, You rule the world! Wooooo!) He’s also apparently sticking with the King of The Mountain moniker. Huh. Somebody really needs to send Jarrett a memo and tell him there are no fucking mountains in Orlando. But whatever.



-Official opening now. Very slick. Very professional. I'm impressed.


We go to the ring right away with reigning X-Division Champion AJ Styles.


AJ Styles w/ hoodie & X- Belt Vs. Roderick Strong w/ ...backbreakers?


Poor Roderick doesn't get any intro here and instead just attacks Styles from the get go. Really fast paced action here as both men just tear into one another. AJ then turns up the insane spot-o-meter by hitting a sick plancha from the ring to the floor that almost killed Styles, Strong, and a fan at ringside. What? No Spinebusters? No convoluted set up moves where a dude pumps up his fucking shoes first? What's going on here? This isn't the Spike TV sports entertainment I remember! If TNA is not careful, this crazy " professional wrestling" thing might actually catch on! More back and forth (also known as my code for not wanting to call every flip-floppy Lucha spot I see). From there, Christopher Daniels comes down to the ringside area. We learn that he's scouting Styles for their 30 minute Iron-Man match at "Bound For Glory". 30 minutes? That's more like a pewter man, but whatever. Anyway, during the course of the bout, we actually find out a little about Strong, as Don West points out that Roderick Strong calls himself the "Master of the Backbreaker". Doesn't quite roll off the tongue but whatever. Strong then proves this is just not a completely unmarketable catchphrase by hitting a, you guessed it, Backbreaker. (off a tilt o'whirl). Strong follows that up with a crab, but AJ gets to the ropes. After the break, AJ regains the momentum with a Pele kick (PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! as called by Don West). AJ then finishes with the Styles Clash ..to retain? I don't know. They never said if this was a Title match.


Winner: AJ Styles. Fun little quasi-squash match that showcased the  admittedly phenomenal (A-Oh!) AJ Styles to a new audience wondering where the fuck their CSI re-run went.

/5 (in squash terms)


- From there, we immediately shoot back to Mike Tenay and Don West. And Jesus Christ does West have a big fucking face. I had to switch my TV over to Widescreen mode just to get poor Tenay in the shot. Anyway, the duo hype the rest of the card, along with promising to show  the "Controversy in Canada" where Jarrett regained the NWA title. Montreal '97 it's not.


- We get a brief video package on "Alpha Male" Monty Brown including shots of him in the NFL, (thankfully sans Women's Leopard print coat). We then get an interview with said Alpha Male, conducted by Shane "Must restrain myself from saying FUCK" Douglas. Monty says that Spike TV is now Serengeti TV, and refers to his opponent as an Antelope (Antelope?) and warns him to get ready for the POOOOOOOUUUUUNNNNCCCE. (Period)


In the back, we see Raven going ape-shit, attacking people with a trash can before being pulled away by Security. (as is obvious by the huge SECURITY written on the back of their t-shirts.)


Alpha Male Monty Brown w/ a woman's coat Vs. Lex Lovett w/o introduction.


Welcome to Squashville Lex, population: You. Anyhoo, Alpha Male makes short work of Lex, tossing him around like a rag doll before finishing with the Pounce... which is basically a shouldertackle to pick up the win. However, all is not lost. I can't be the only one who'd like to see Lovett repackaged in a Patriotic gimmick, if only so he could say "Lovett or leave it?" Umm, probably.


Winner: Monty Brown.  Good showing by the Alpha Male. Even if he does look like he rolled Edith Prickley for his gear.



-After the commercial we get a "Bound For Glory" video package, followed by a brief package featuring the X-Division. This is the only time they show or mention Samoa Joe (or "Joe" as he's known back on the Islands.) I am greatly disappointed in the lack of Samoa Joe here. (I've been hooked on this guy since I saw him wrestle for the first time a few weeks ago). Needs more Samoa Joe.


Petey Williams Vs. Chris Sabin Vs. Alex Shelley w/ oversized aviator glasses: Three Way match.


I get a kick out of the fact that there's actually someone in this world not in Kindergarten who calls himself Petey. Anyway, Petey comes to the ring to an electric guitar version of Oh Canada. Sorry to say, but nothing can make that song cool. All kidding aside, this is another good match, albeit somewhat "spotty" at times. We learn from Don West and Tenay from the get go, that both Sabin and Petey will be competing at the PPV along with a couple of others in Ultimate X. Alex Shelley will not be, however, (which sucks because he's awesome) so I think it's fair to say he'll be counting the lights here tonight.


Anyway, this is very similar to WWE style Triple threat matches in logistics, but thankfully lacks the stupid "pretend to be dead on the floor for 10 minutes" bullshit WWE usually uses between the one on one interactions. From the get go, it looks like Petey and Alex will be working as a team, but Shelly almost immediately backs off, allowing Sabin to kick the shit out of Williams. Funny spot later on sees Shelly tie up Sabin in a version of the body/leg scissors and rides him over so he's mounting him, then bounces up and down so Sabin's face gets repeatedly rammed into the mat. I'm so going to try that on my girlfriend sometime. Anyway, Shelley & Petey, now working together, double-suplex Sabin, but both end up butting heads as they try to get up off the mat. The two then break up each other's pin attempts, until Sabin recovers and takes both men out with a dropkick. Sabin then drop toe hold's Shelley headfirst into Petey's nuts to take him out. From there, Sabin signals for the Cradle shock (think combination fisherman buster/Michanoku driver) but Shelley counters out and hits a huge brainbuster for two. Sabin then misses a spinkick attempt on the testically recovered Petey Williams, but Petey catches with a Russian (Canadian?) leg sweep, then signals for the Canadian Destroyer on Shelley, but on the flip over, Sabin intercepts Petey and takes him down with a sit-out powerbomb. Sabin then finishes Shelley with the Cradle Shock to pick up the win!


After the match, Petey hits the CANADIAN DESTROYER on Sabin, and heads back to the locker room to finish his finger painting. (Is calling yourself "Pete" Willams really too much to ask?...)


Winner: Chris Sabin. I suddenly feel compelled to Hail him. Strange.




-Backstage, we see Larry Zybysko, who I'm guessing is the onscreen authority figure here in TNA now. But hey, lest we forget, no one could ever really fill the shoes (that let's face it, he's probably pawned for crack) of Erik Watts. So don't even try. Anyway, Douglas tries to get a word with Larry Z, when Tito Ortiz appears. Larry then invites Tito into his office, and that's all we see from them.


- 3 Live Krew video package follows, putting them over as a group. Larry Zybysko is  actually heard comparing them to the Three Stooges (seriously). I wish that were true. Sadly, Moe Howard actually had a more believable offensive repertoire than BG James ever has.


- Next week, right here on Impact...3LK Vs. Team Canada! Shoes will be thrown and the word "About" will be consistently mispronounced. Stay tuned!


Jeff Hardy w/ enigmatic charisma Vs. Rhino w/ a one year ban from the Holiday Inn.


This is of course your feature contest. Mike Tenay doesn't waste anytime putting over Jeff Hardy. He's enigmatic! He lives like a Rock star! (I'm guessing George Michael myself). And hey, how long before Monty Brown and Rhino hook up? I mean they're both kind of mutant Safari animals right? It's only natural, I'd think.


Anyway, Rhino attacks before the bell and we're underway. Rhino goes to work early, and beats Hardy down, but Jeff eventually rallies, hitting his corner leg avalanche move (someone please name this thing for me). Rhino, however, catches Hardy rebounding off the ropes with a SPINEBUSTER. Rhino pounds away on Jeff some more, and then heads up stairs for a headbutt attempt, but Hardy rolls clear. Once they're both on their feet, they exchange punches, with Jeff eventually getting the better of Rhino after a big flying forearm. Jeff then hits his double leg drop to the groin and gets two.  Rhino, back up, counters a Hardy charge with a big belly to belly, and sets up the Gore, while Hardy was in the corner, but Hardy side-steps and Rhino hits the buckles. Twist of Fate by Jeff follows, but before he can go up for the Swanton, Abyss interferes and attacks Hardy, presumably drawing the disqualification. Rhino and Abyss then double team Hardy, when the lights go out and it's SABU when they come back on. Sabu runs both men off, with his usually bag of (homicidal, suicidal, genocidal) tricks.


Winner by DQ: Jeff Hardy; or Double DQ. There is no official announcement.  Man, I guess this means we get to see BOTH Sabu AND Jeff Hardy in the SAME ring at the SAME TIME. Watch out. That one has the potential to be sloppier than Annette Funicello performing Open Heart Surgery. And yes, I just wanted to make that joke.


Anyway, we learn in this ensuing chaos that all four of these men will compete in a match called Monster's Ball (not to be confused with the pornographic feature, Monster Balls.) The basic concept is that all four guys are locked away with no food or sleep for days then released to COMPETE in a hardcore style match. Wow. I don't know about you, but if I was just released after being locked in a box for days with no food, I'd be heading out for a Continental breakfast, not devising convoluted wrestling spots. Call me crazy.




-After the commercials, we see footage of Jarrett defeating Raven for the NWA title during a Border City Wrestling show in Canada with help from AMW, who executed the "Death Sentence" on Raven to allow Jarrett to pick up the win. We are then shown footage of the man who put the whole plan into motion: Coach Scott D'Amore, who needs to seriously start eating a little D'less if you know what I mean. He's put on a good 50 pounds since I last saw him.


Jeff Jarrett, whose shirt makes him look like he just got back from Cowboy's drink free night at the Lazy Penis, comes to the ring with AMW, who are wearing suits. Jarrett grabs the mic, and proclaims that he told you all he'd be NWA champion by the time TNA debuted on Spike TV. Hey, this is the first show, and already we're in re-runs! Isn't this the same speech he gave when they debuted on FSN? Anyway, Jarrett puts himself over as the cornerstone of TNA, and also puts over AMW as the best Tag team in wrestling before bringing out Coach D’Amore. Coach comes to the ring, and states that since he put the plan to get the belt back on Jarrett together (D'Amore owns Border City Wrestling) Double J  basically owes him a favor, anytime and anywhere. This then brings out 3LK. Konnan gets on the mic and says that it's the first show, and already Jarrett is boring everyone to death. You'll get no argument from me. Jarrett then tells 3LK to try and shut him up. The two factions then get into it, until Team Canada attacks and it's now 6 on 2. From there, we hear some muffled music (followed by the trademark bomb dropping sound effect) and here is The Dudleys err, The Deadlys err Team 3D. Harry and I actually had an idea that the former Bubba and D-Von (now rechristened Brother Ray and Brother Devon) should get revenge on WWE for stripping them of their identities, by striking up a deal with The World Wildlife Fund, and coming out in Panda suits, calling themselves "Team WWF". From there, guys like Test and Albert can come in, and call themselves NWA T&A. Hell, why not bring in poor Billy Kidman, and re-dub him "Xavier F. Longstein", also known as X.F.L.? The possibilities are ENDLESS!  Honestly, this probably all sounded A LOT funnier in my head.


Anyway, my rambling aside, Team 3D hit the ring and hit the Deadly Death Drop on both members of AMW, then look to do the same to Jarrett, but he bails...until the completely unintelligible TNA theme song of Kevin Nash hits, and out comes Big Gimpy, who forces Jarrett back into the ring so 3D can hit the Whazzzzzup (soon to be renamed the "How You doin?" or how about "How ya been?" I don't know). Nash then hits the jack knife on Jarrett, and grabs the mic to proclaim himself the number one contender to the NWA Title, and states that he'll meet Jarrett at Bound for Glory.

Apparently the company will be changing it's name to "Occasionally Non-stop Action" for one night.


Anyway, Devon then gets the mic and says they're going to give the fans what they really want. A couple of naked twin sisters passed out on GHB? Oh, he means a match with AMW next week. Should be interesting. I'm just curious as to how they'll call for the tables since the WWE legal team are so far up their asses.


Brother Ray: Devon! Get those ummm, oblong wooden things with the steel legs from the under the ring!

Devon: huh?

Brother Ray: You know, the wood things, we unfold them, put people through?

Devon: you mean tables?

Brother Ray: D'oh!


Anyway, that's the show.


Final Thoughts: A very solid showing of Wrestling here, albeit an hour just seems too short to really put anything really competitive together. I just hope for their sake that TNA doesn't fall into the problems ECW did with this same Network. In any event, despite the shortness of the show, it delivered in introducing us to guys like AJ Styles, AMW, Monty Brown and Chris Sabin, while having enough "names" to draw in potential casuals. However, there in lies my problem. For the last week, I've read every dickhead on the Net try to justify Nash getting the World title program at basically TNA's version of Wrestlemania. The big argument has been, "Nash is a name! He'll draw in the people who don't know AJ Styles!" Are you so sure? I mean, sure everyone "knows" who Nash is, but that doesn't mean they'd be willing to pay 30 dollars to watch him wrestle. Recognition will only take you so far. I remember the Iron Sheik, but I'd sure as shit not pay to watch him wrestle in slow motion.  I always assumed that the fact that they were following UFC, that they'd just segue that exposure into introducing guy's like AJ to them. I mean, know for a fact  that they'd be way more blown away by a Samoa Joe, then watching a guy who wrestles like he's in fucking quick sand. But still, EVERY upstart promotion always goes on this same stupid philosophy. And it's NEVER worked. A guy like Nash can still be used, and hell, even a program with Jarrett would be acceptable, but not for the world title. The World Title is your standard bearer for your company, and there ain't no way Mr. Glass can follow any of the wrestlers I saw tonight. Maybe TNA should try reading this book:

Death of WCW


All kidding aside, this small blunder (in my opinion) won't deter me from watching, however. I'll watch it for the Wrestling. and just let Nash's molasses like wrestling provide me with good material.


Thumbs up.


I'm Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).