TNA IMPACT! 10/01/05

A lot of people may label me a loser for staying home on a Saturday Night  just to watch wrestling, but I can promise you, there's plenty of better reasons why I'm a loser. Wait. That didn’t come out right.

Tonight's Impact comes to us from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL. The very same place that brought us the magic that was WCW World-Wide in the mid-90's. You remember, the wrestling show that existed in a parallel Universe to our own, where guys did Interviews wearing Championship Belts that they would go on to win (or sometimes not even) like 4 months later. Good times.

The Show opens up with a really cool little video package done by former WWE'er Dave Sahadi (Fun Fact: Dave Sahadi's father was actually the mysterious "ghost writer" Mick Foley eventually turned down in Foley is Good, to pen the novel himself)  introducing us to the three champions of TNA wrestling, AJ Styles, The Naturals and Jeff Jarrett respectively. Jarrett is put over as a, and I quote, man who has won a “World Title” in every company he’s wrestled in. (When you’re the King of the World Wrestling All-Stars, You rule the world! Wooooo!) He’s also apparently sticking with the King of The Mountain moniker. Huh. Somebody really needs to send Jarrett a memo and tell him there are no fucking mountains in Orlando. But whatever.

-Official opening now. Very slick. Very professional. I'm impressed.

We go to the ring right away with reigning X-Division Champion AJ Styles.

AJ Styles w/ hoodie & X- Belt Vs. Roderick Strong w/ ...backbreakers?

Poor Roderick doesn't get any intro here and instead just attacks Styles from the get go. Really fast paced action here as both men just tear into one another. AJ then turns up the insane spot-o-meter by hitting a sick plancha from the ring to the floor that almost killed Styles, Strong, and a fan at ringside. What? No Spinebusters? No convoluted set up moves where a dude pumps up his fucking shoes first? What's going on here? This isn't the Spike TV sports entertainment I remember! If TNA is not careful, this crazy " professional wrestling" thing might actually catch on! More back and forth (also known as my code for not wanting to call every flip-floppy Lucha spot I see). From there, Christopher Daniels comes down to the ringside area. We learn that he's scouting Styles for their 30 minute Iron-Man match at "Bound For Glory". 30 minutes? That's more like a pewter man, but whatever. Anyway, during the course of the bout, we actually find out a little about Strong, as Don West points out that Roderick Strong calls himself the "Master of the Backbreaker". Doesn't quite roll off the tongue but whatever. Strong then proves this is just not a completely unmarketable catchphrase by hitting a, you guessed it, Backbreaker. (off a tilt o'whirl). Strong follows that up with a crab, but AJ gets to the ropes. After the break, AJ regains the momentum with a Pele kick (PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! as called by Don West). AJ then finishes with the Styles Clash ..to retain? I don't know. They never said if this was a Title match.

Winner: AJ Styles. Fun little quasi-squash match that showcased the  admittedly phenomenal (A-Oh!) AJ Styles to a new audience wondering where the fuck their CSI re-run went.

/5 (in squash terms)

- From there, we immediately shoot back to Mike Tenay and Don West. And Jesus Christ does West have a big fucking face. I had to switch my TV over to Widescreen mode just to get poor Tenay in the shot. Anyway, the duo hype the rest of the card, along with promising to show  the "Controversy in Canada" where Jarrett regained the NWA title. Montreal '97 it's not.

- We get a brief video package on "Alpha Male" Monty Brown including shots of him in the NFL, (thankfully sans Women's Leopard print coat). We then get an interview with said Alpha Male, conducted by Shane "Must restrain myself from saying FUCK" Douglas. Monty says that Spike TV is now Serengeti TV, and refers to his opponent as an Antelope (Antelope?) and warns him to get ready for the POOOOOOOUUUUUNNNNCCCE. (Period)

In the back, we see Raven going ape-shit, attacking people with a trash can before being pulled away by Security. (as is obvious by the huge SECURITY written on the back of their t-shirts.)

Alpha Male Monty Brown w/ a woman's coat Vs. Lex Lovett w/o introduction.

Welcome to Squashville Lex, population: You. Anyhoo, Alpha Male makes short work of Lex, tossing him around like a rag doll before finishing with the Pounce... which is basically a shouldertackle to pick up the win. However, all is not lost. I can't be the only one who'd like to see Lovett repackaged in a Patriotic gimmick, if only so he could say "Lovett or leave it?" Umm, probably.

Winner: Monty Brown.  Good showing by the Alpha Male. Even if he does look like he rolled Edith Prickley for his gear.

=NA 

-After the commercial we get a "Bound For Glory" video package, followed by a brief package featuring the X-Division. This is the only time they show or mention Samoa Joe (or "Joe" as he's known back on the Islands.) I am greatly disappointed in the lack of Samoa Joe here. (I've been hooked on this guy since I saw him wrestle for the first time a few weeks ago). Needs more Samoa Joe.

Petey Williams Vs. Chris Sabin Vs. Alex Shelley w/ oversized aviator glasses: Three Way match.

I get a kick out of the fact that there's actually someone in this world not in Kindergarten who calls himself Petey. Anyway, Petey comes to the ring to an electric guitar version of Oh Canada. Sorry to say, but nothing can make that song cool. All kidding aside, this is another good match, albeit somewhat "spotty" at times. We learn from Don West and Tenay from the get go, that both Sabin and Petey will be competing at the PPV along with a couple of others in Ultimate X. Alex Shelley will not be, however, (which sucks because he's awesome) so I think it's fair to say he'll be counting the lights here tonight.

Anyway, this is very similar to WWE style Triple threat matches in logistics, but thankfully lacks the stupid "pretend to be dead on the floor for 10 minutes" bullshit WWE usually uses between the one on one interactions. From the get go, it looks like Petey and Alex will be working as a team, but Shelly almost immediately backs off, allowing Sabin to kick the shit out of Williams. Funny spot later on sees Shelly tie up Sabin in a version of the body/leg scissors and rides him over so he's mounting him, then bounces up and down so Sabin's face gets repeatedly rammed into the mat. I'm so going to try that on my girlfriend sometime. Anyway, Shelley & Petey, now working together, double-suplex Sabin, but both end up butting heads as they try to get up off the mat. The two then break up each other's pin attempts, until Sabin recovers and takes both men out with a dropkick. Sabin then drop toe hold's Shelley headfirst into Petey's nuts to take him out. From there, Sabin signals for the Cradle shock (think combination fisherman buster/Michanoku driver) but Shelley counters out and hits a huge brainbuster for two. Sabin then misses a spinkick attempt on the testically recovered Petey Williams, but Petey catches with a Russian (Canadian?) leg sweep, then signals for the Canadian Destroyer on Shelley, but on the flip over, Sabin intercepts Petey and takes him down with a sit-out powerbomb. Sabin then finishes Shelley with the Cradle Shock to pick up the win!

After the match, Petey hits the CANADIAN DESTROYER on Sabin, and heads back to the locker room to finish his finger painting. (Is calling yourself "Pete" Willams really too much to ask?...)

Winner: Chris Sabin. I suddenly feel compelled to Hail him. Strange.

/5

-Backstage, we see Larry Zybysko, who I'm guessing is the onscreen authority figure here in TNA now. But hey, lest we forget, no one could ever really fill the shoes (that let's face it, he's probably pawned for crack) of Erik Watts. So don't even try. Anyway, Douglas tries to get a word with Larry Z, when Tito Ortiz appears. Larry then invites Tito into his office, and that's all we see from them.

- 3 Live Krew video package follows, putting them over as a group. Larry Zybysko is  actually heard comparing them to the Three Stooges (seriously). I wish that were true. Sadly, Moe Howard actually had a more believable offensive repertoire than BG James ever has.

- Next week, right here on Impact...3LK Vs. Team Canada! Shoes will be thrown and the word "About" will be consistently mispronounced. Stay tuned!

Jeff Hardy w/ enigmatic charisma Vs. Rhino w/ a one year ban from the Holiday Inn.

This is of course your feature contest. Mike Tenay doesn't waste anytime putting over Jeff Hardy. He's enigmatic! He lives like a Rock star! (I'm guessing George Michael myself). And hey, how long before Monty Brown and Rhino hook up? I mean they're both kind of mutant Safari animals right? It's only natural, I'd think.

Anyway, Rhino attacks before the bell and we're underway. Rhino goes to work early, and beats Hardy down, but Jeff eventually rallies, hitting his corner leg avalanche move (someone please name this thing for me). Rhino, however, catches Hardy rebounding off the ropes with a SPINEBUSTER. Rhino pounds away on Jeff some more, and then heads up stairs for a headbutt attempt, but Hardy rolls clear. Once they're both on their feet, they exchange punches, with Jeff eventually getting the better of Rhino after a big flying forearm. Jeff then hits his double leg drop to the groin and gets two.  Rhino, back up, counters a Hardy charge with a big belly to belly, and sets up the Gore, while Hardy was in the corner, but Hardy side-steps and Rhino hits the buckles. Twist of Fate by Jeff follows, but before he can go up for the Swanton, Abyss interferes and attacks Hardy, presumably drawing the disqualification. Rhino and Abyss then double team Hardy, when the lights go out and it's SABU when they come back on. Sabu runs both men off, with his usually bag of (homicidal, suicidal, genocidal) tricks.

Winner by DQ: Jeff Hardy; or Double DQ. There is no official announcement.  Man, I guess this means we get to see BOTH Sabu AND Jeff Hardy in the SAME ring at the SAME TIME. Watch out. That one has the potential to be sloppier than Annette Funicello performing Open Heart Surgery. And yes, I just wanted to make that joke.

Anyway, we learn in this ensuing chaos that all four of these men will compete in a match called Monster's Ball (not to be confused with the pornographic feature, Monster Balls.) The basic concept is that all four guys are locked away with no food or sleep for days then released to COMPETE in a hardcore style match. Wow. I don't know about you, but if I was just released after being locked in a box for days with no food, I'd be heading out for a Continental breakfast, not devising convoluted wrestling spots. Call me crazy.

/5

-After the commercials, we see footage of Jarrett defeating Raven for the NWA title during a Border City Wrestling show in Canada with help from AMW, who executed the "Death Sentence" on Raven to allow Jarrett to pick up the win. We are then shown footage of the man who put the whole plan into motion: Coach Scott D'Amore, who needs to seriously start eating a little D'less if you know what I mean. He's put on a good 50 pounds since I last saw him.

Jeff Jarrett, whose shirt makes him look like he just got back from Cowboy's drink free night at the Lazy Penis, comes to the ring with AMW, who are wearing suits. Jarrett grabs the mic, and proclaims that he told you all he'd be NWA champion by the time TNA debuted on Spike TV. Hey, this is the first show, and already we're in re-runs! Isn't this the same speech he gave when they debuted on FSN? Anyway, Jarrett puts himself over as the cornerstone of TNA, and also puts over AMW as the best Tag team in wrestling before bringing out Coach D’Amore. Coach comes to the ring, and states that since he put the plan to get the belt back on Jarrett together (D'Amore owns Border City Wrestling) Double J  basically owes him a favor, anytime and anywhere. This then brings out 3LK. Konnan gets on the mic and says that it's the first show, and already Jarrett is boring everyone to death. You'll get no argument from me. Jarrett then tells 3LK to try and shut him up. The two factions then get into it, until Team Canada attacks and it's now 6 on 2. From there, we hear some muffled music (followed by the trademark bomb dropping sound effect) and here is The Dudleys err, The Deadlys err Team 3D. Harry and I actually had an idea that the former Bubba and D-Von (now rechristened Brother Ray and Brother Devon) should get revenge on WWE for stripping them of their identities, by striking up a deal with The World Wildlife Fund, and coming out in Panda suits, calling themselves "Team WWF". From there, guys like Test and Albert can come in, and call themselves NWA T&A. Hell, why not bring in poor Billy Kidman, and re-dub him "Xavier F. Longstein", also known as X.F.L.? The possibilities are ENDLESS!  Honestly, this probably all sounded A LOT funnier in my head.

Anyway, my rambling aside, Team 3D hit the ring and hit the Deadly Death Drop on both members of AMW, then look to do the same to Jarrett, but he bails...until the completely unintelligible TNA theme song of Kevin Nash hits, and out comes Big Gimpy, who forces Jarrett back into the ring so 3D can hit the Whazzzzzup (soon to be renamed the "How You doin?" or how about "How ya been?" I don't know). Nash then hits the jack knife on Jarrett, and grabs the mic to proclaim himself the number one contender to the NWA Title, and states that he'll meet Jarrett at Bound for Glory.

Apparently the company will be changing it's name to "Occasionally Non-stop Action" for one night.

Anyway, Devon then gets the mic and says they're going to give the fans what they really want. A couple of naked twin sisters passed out on GHB? Oh, he means a match with AMW next week. Should be interesting. I'm just curious as to how they'll call for the tables since the WWE legal team are so far up their asses.

Brother Ray: Devon! Get those ummm, oblong wooden things with the steel legs from the under the ring!

Devon: huh?

Brother Ray: You know, the wood things, we unfold them, put people through?

Devon: you mean tables?

Brother Ray: D'oh!

Anyway, that's the show.

Final Thoughts: A very solid showing of Wrestling here, albeit an hour just seems too short to really put anything really competitive together. I just hope for their sake that TNA doesn't fall into the problems ECW did with this same Network. In any event, despite the shortness of the show, it delivered in introducing us to guys like AJ Styles, AMW, Monty Brown and Chris Sabin, while having enough "names" to draw in potential casuals. However, there in lies my problem. For the last week, I've read every dickhead on the Net try to justify Nash getting the World title program at basically TNA's version of Wrestlemania. The big argument has been, "Nash is a name! He'll draw in the people who don't know AJ Styles!" Are you so sure? I mean, sure everyone "knows" who Nash is, but that doesn't mean they'd be willing to pay 30 dollars to watch him wrestle. Recognition will only take you so far. I remember the Iron Sheik, but I'd sure as shit not pay to watch him wrestle in slow motion.  I always assumed that the fact that they were following UFC, that they'd just segue that exposure into introducing guy's like AJ to them. I mean, know for a fact  that they'd be way more blown away by a Samoa Joe, then watching a guy who wrestles like he's in fucking quick sand. But still, EVERY upstart promotion always goes on this same stupid philosophy. And it's NEVER worked. A guy like Nash can still be used, and hell, even a program with Jarrett would be acceptable, but not for the world title. The World Title is your standard bearer for your company, and there ain't no way Mr. Glass can follow any of the wrestlers I saw tonight. Maybe TNA should try reading this book:

All kidding aside, this small blunder (in my opinion) won't deter me from watching, however. I'll watch it for the Wrestling. and just let Nash's molasses like wrestling provide me with good material.

Thumbs up.

I'm Sean.