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June 04, 2009
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Oh hell you people, you evil people who appreciate nothing of what I pretend to take pride in doing.  I come home today happy, then I remember "Oh hey, I need to recap TNA impa--BLAAAAARGH!" and realize I have to recap TNA iMPACT!  See, because I'm too retarded to do it live anymore, I need to do it on a computer screen.  It really is that much easier for me.

So how about that wrestling news of the week and such?  Huh?  See how that guy did all those... eh... wrestling.  You know?  Wrestling and bumps.  Smark, legit, pop heat X-pac Triple H bury random "insider" terms.

So it opens with a video package filled with stupid still images, and generic sound effects of a woman screaming when showing Daffney on the thumbtacks.  Why?  Why play the most obvious bullshit sound effects?  Oh my god I hate those fucking sound effects that are just obvious sound effects.  I'll rant on that some time later.
Meanwhile, it appears Dave Attell debuted at Slammivarsurry and won the TNA Championship.  Man, they'll just let anyone win that title.  Russooooo!!!

Title is "Say it ain't so, Joe".  My response to that?


Starting out with Brutus Mangus, whose video is unbelievably pathetic.  It's literally just zooming in on text.  The text is this:  "Brutus Magnus" "A Modern Day Gladiator" "Born to Compete" "Bred to Win", repeated over and over.  He does his head wiggly on the top ramp, then comes down and gets FUCKING OWNED IN HIS FAT BRITISH HEAD by Buh Buh Ray from behind.  Ambushed and attacked, and now he's being tossed into the ring for a match.
Decumius Brutus Magnus vs Brother Ray Deadly
Magnus gets clotheslined, then beaten up onto the outside, where his big dumb British head is shown reacting to shots, like a scummy limey Brit.  Magnus finally gets some control, doing a European Uppercut, which in Europe is called a "European Uppercut".  Wild and loony.  They are going through the crowd, Buh Buh smashes Brutus onto a sign for Victory Road featuring scantily clad women, then puts his face on the picture of the women and does something lewd and sexual.  I do say I am not amused!  He missed their vaginas by at least an entire torso.
Brother Ray Deadly gets a table as tehy make their way back to the ring.  Suddenly, the Lobsterbacks come, along with a Daimyo and an Imam, and they start to whomp ass on Brother Ray Deadly before Devon Deadly comes and attacks one of the Britons with a chair, and the rest just leave.  Then they 3D Ki-Yoshi Story through a table.  If it weren't for Don West off-handedly mentioning that Rudy Charles declared it no-contest, I'd say this was a confusing upfuckery.

WINNAR: Nun.  No won.
BACKSTAGE where Lauren is with Dave Attell, who hugs Fat Joe as he arrives.
Random Me Thoughts: I had a good one a few days ago, but I forgot it now.

MEM arrives, looking Memmy.  Where's the fucking respect when they barely even get dressed?  Booker's got no pants, and Joe's got no shirt.
Dave Attell introduces himself to the crowd, but for some reason he mispells or misprounounces his name.  It's "Da-eev Ah-tell", not "Kurt Ang-ul".  Then he starts talking on the mic.  I believe he is saying: "AWWW DRUNKS AND LOSERS DWARVES WITH LIMPS!  FLOS AND HOS AND ONE-EYED PIMPS!  DOWN THE ALLEYWAY THEY CREEP!  THEY'RE ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHEN YOU CAN'T SLEEP!"
Oh, and Samoan Joe comes out now, with some nasty-ass funktastic new music that sounds rappy.  Attell is back on the mic to say; "COME WITH ME AND YOU WILL SEE, A LATE NIGHT FREAKSHOW JUBILEE!  KICK THE SANDMAN IN HIS SACK!  STAY UP LATE- INSOMNIAC!"

Oh wait, I see; that's not Dave Attell, it's some guy who looks like Dave Attell.  He says that Jenna gave TNA lots of money, supposedly "millions" to entice Joe into the company.  So he did it for the money.  Kurt Attell proceeds to justify Joe killing Nashicles, Bookers, and Steiner, saying "every member of the main event mafia taking a bullet for the greater of the family".  I think he forgot the part where Joe kills Sting, kills Kurtle, rapes Sharmell and Jenna, then wears their faces on his shoulders.  What?  You mean that's not Samoan tradition?
Seriously, what in the shit was the point of that clustershmizzery before this?
Kurtle said that he told everyone beforehand that he would win the title, and we would ALL celebrate, apparently dorpping the hint that Samoa Joe would celebrate, too, then calls everyone who missed it morons.  I guess that's me, because i don't remember him ever saying that, ever.  Of course, that's so generic, I may have just missed it while i was busy yelling at the screen or some other childish thing.

MICK FOLEY ENTERS!  I just realized now he looks really fat without his championship belt.  Mick Foley says Kurt Angle was The Brian Kendrick.  As in.. man with a plan.  I hate explaining my esoteric, stupid jokes to you unappreciative cunts.  Foley says he's owed a REMATCH, but be's not a jackass by saying it will be at Victory Road, instead of right now that night where he can be guaranteed to lose.
Kurtle wants to see Mick Foley cry.  Then calls Foley a disgrace.  Why?  Because he lost?  He sure as hell didn't call Joe a disgrace, and he lost, too.  Kurt says he gets to choose his opponent at Wictory Road.  Foley did some kind of oresum flying elbow on Kurt at Kingadamountain and pinned him one two three.  Kurt Angle looks like a smoker with that hair.  Kurtle says he'll give Foley a title shot if they go back to Mick's office, have a couple of drinks, and work out a little "agreement".  Ooh, sexy!  "I'll see you backstage, Mister Foley..... Foley."

AJ Smiles arrives, and encounters Monty Sopp being useless as the backstage repair guy.  Lauren's voice is cut off as commercials come and go.

Random Thoughts: Good God, I'm bored already.

Video package of the Jarrett/Foley feud.  Eric who?


Jeff Jarrett is supposedly on the phone now talking with Mike Tenay at the announcer's booth.  He doesn't even bother to say hello!  Faggot.  It's obviously pre-recorded.
A video package for some hispanic called Sarita, who mispronounces TNA as "Teh Ene Ah", which is Spanish for "T N A".  I don't get it.
Chris Abyss vs Teh Shmexysz Kebin Nash

What the fuck.  Shit, I missed it.  Commercials came, then back to match in progress.  Kebong smashing Chris in the turnbuckle corner, irish whip and a slow as hell punch missed and Chris attacks.  Chris is faster, but Nashley attacks him as he tries to do a running attack.  Again at the turnbuckle with slow-ass elbows by Nash on Parks.  Then he whips Chris to the opposite side, and proceeds to taunt for extra momentum.  Another taunt now, and I imagine he must have a full iMPACT! bar by now, but CHRIS ABYSS counters him, and now HE has a full iMPACT! bar!  But Nash still has his bar full, so he counters and tosses Chris outside.
Nash got a chair and hit the steel post because Chris moved out of the way.  They brawl on the outside, with Chris Park slamming Nashley on the steel steps.  Retards chant "TNA" and Chris looks like a happy little retard child and does that retard hand clap.  You know that one, where they just smack their hands together way too straight so that their hands are slightly bent back?
They get back in the ring, and Nashley does a BOOT to his face, then Doctor Stevie comes in and shanks Chris.  Oh wait, it's a taser.  And it's way too fucking loud and smokey to be even remotely realistic.  Nash refills his iMPACT! bar, and does his super awesome finisher---the pinfall.

WINNAR: Kebong

James Storm is backstage on his beer cooler scooter, and then they are onstage.  This is way disorienting without commercials---it's like they warped into the ring.  They speak generic "we are the best ever" stuff.  Fuckers ain't heel, they put over Team 3Dicles.  Fuck that fucking shit, call them fat over-the-hill fucks!  Rood-e says they can bring it with their rematch claws.  Jee fucking whiz, the fucking "rematch clause" just seems to completely ruin any championship match.  Why even bother having anyone different compete for the title?  Cena beats Orton for title, Orton demands rematch, gets it, wins title, Cena demands rematch, gets it, wins title, Orton demands rematch, gets it, wins title, Cena demands bluhblublublubluh.
Oh yeah, Booger T and Scotter Steiner came in and start talking shit on Beer Munny.  For some reason they call Angle the Godfather, despite Sting you know... still being alive.  Not even injured.  For some reason, they keep talking about Kurt Angle and his match against Mick Foley.  Boy, these two just seem like the stooges of the group.  They are the Ted Deebee Aussie and Cory Rhodes of Sting and Angle's "Legacy".  James Swift says they need to kneel and bow before them, and Booker does his catchphrase "TELL ME YOU DID'NT JUST SAY THAT".  Foley apparently made matches with Baar Money vs Booker T and Scott, but only in singles matches, one of them against one of them.

Team 3Dicles randomly come out.  They are frustrated, too, and talk about their rematch.  Steiner calls them fatasses, and dribbles out something about them having "overactive pituitary glands" and I am surprised he managed to say "pituitary gland" without slubbering on it.  Team 3Dicles Brother Ray makes fun of him anyway, and it's quite accurate: "BEDEHDEHDEH DEH!  BEDEHDEHDEH! BEDEHDEHDEHDEH!"

Backstoge with the Horrible People minus the only one that matters, Angeline Love.  Jesus fucking christ, ever since they brought in Generic Blonde Rayne, I've been incapable of telling the difference between her and Velvet Skye, and now for some reason I'm starting to mistakingly believe there are like four or five of them.

Video package for Daffy vs Taylor MILDE in a thumbtack match.

Random Me Thoughts: I swear I just had one a moment ago but I forgot it again.  Fucks

Daffney enters to her low-energy genericized-generic of a generic version of a Marilyn Manson song.  Then the Canadian enters.
Daffney vs Taylor Wilde

Daffney lunges at Taylore first, and starts to do some fake-ass chops that completely miss, then a snapmare and a reverse throwback while Wilde is sitting.  UH OH, IT'S A POLE MATCH!  10,000 TACKS ON A POLE!  Take a drink of an entire bottle of Scotch.  Fire Russo and whatnot.  I have a Pole of my own I'd like to show you
Wilde pulls Daffy off, but Daffy eventually gets up, takes down Wilde from the pole, then pounds on her with a fist or something.  I think a large portion of the crowd is chanting "Taylor sucks" while Daffy gets the bag of tacks, but Wilde jacks that shit and knocks Daffney away with a boot to the gut.  Daffney gets p anyway, and just kind of... oh, eye rake.  Then she smacks Wilde in the face with the tack bag, and opens it up and pours tacks onto the ring canvas.  Daffney tries to get Taylor in a suplay, but she revarses into an attempt at a German, but Daffy blocks her, then elbows her face.  Taylor Milde wiggles a bit, but catches Daffey and slams her onto the tacks.

WINNAR: Taylor Wilde

Thoughts: That was a horrible match.  And it just HAD to be on a fucking pole.

Backstage with the Horrible People, with Velvet Sky barely audibly as they still have the speakers on in the audience, who are screaming and chanting "TNA!"  It's revealed "Tara" is her nickname for "Tarantula".  Someone randomly leaves a Tarantula on the shoulder of the non-Velvet Sky one.

Backstage again with Bruther Devon bitching at Foley for giving title shots to the rematch-clausers.  Foley is clearly distraught with the fact that Devon does not care that Foley is feeling terribly about losing his title.  Oh I'm sorry, I looked away and missed shit.  Buh Buh demands Foley do more nipple tweaking after Foley says next week will be a match between some of the best tag teams, and one of them may be Team 3D, so Foley begs Buh Buh Ray to "take the match" and Howard Hughes us by screaming it a few more times, and a few times more, and more times few, and times few more.  Buh Buh wishes him a nice day.  Jay Bee asks what Kurtle will think.  Mick Foley says he does not care.  Why would Kurt Angle care about the tag team matches?

Robert Roode vs Scott Steiner

Roode's entrance video is just like Mangus's, in that it's just random text repeated over and over.  What the fuck!
Match beginsz, Steinor smacks Roody's face on the turnbuckle, then starts slowly chorrping him.  Picks him up, chop.  Stenier gets chopred now too, then irish whip, Roode jumps up, chops, snapmares, does a throwback on a seated Steiner.  Suplex by Roode on Steiner, and he just barely turned Steiner around.  Beer Money taunt gets Roode a neat momentum bump.  Steiner dumps Roode out of the ring, then slams his head on the outside barricade, then on the ring steps, then gets in the ring.
Steiner got a belly to belly suplay on Roode, Roode now down and Steiner chokes him ont he ring ropes, and tells Slippery Penis to shut up.  Boy, I'm about to pass out, I'm so bored.  Mike Tenay's voice is a narcotic.  And not the good kind.
Steiner does pushups, then chokes Roode on the ropes again with his leg.  Don West mentions Foley's nipple tweakings.  Steiner catches Roode in an attempted suplex, but it becomes a bear hug.  Haha, because they're both hairy men.  Roode breaks free and punches on Steiner, irish whips and Steiner kicks him, only to get clotheslined when he tries a running attack.  Does some other stuff, Steiner slowly gets up, gets chorpped.  Irish whips but Steiner reverses.  Holy fucking shit, Steiner is looking like the average "main event" opponent in a Smackdown vs Raw 2009 career mode match; barely does shit, counters the fucking fuck out of everything you do, and no matter what you do to him, just will not stay the fuck down or sell any fatigue.
Steiner Shitter on Roode, but Rooode breaks out.  Attempted belly to belly fails, and Steiner does a backslide for the win.  WHAT A FINISHER!

WINNAR: Scottington Steiner

Backstage almost right away with Dave Attell and Jay Borast.  Talks about Angle and Foley in their office "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine", and a referense to Foley tweaking again.  Gay sex?  I think so.  Jeremy Borash asks if anyone told Sting about this, but Kurtle says so what, and says he;'s the Godfather, but Borass says Stink is the godfather, and Angle says no, he is.

Random Me Thoughts: When I first started watching Rugrats, I thought Angelica's name was "Jelica"

Back and Bore Ass is in the office with Foley, asks if Jarrett and Foley are friends now, and Foley asks if he means there was any hatchet burying.  Gay sex.  The morbidly obese security guards STILL have "MEM" on their shirts.  John Bore Ass mentions how Kurtle does not like Mick Foley's tweak.  Nipple tweaking.  Foley freaks out and yells at John, because he's mourning the loss of something beloved to the whole world; the world title.

He's almost immediately cut off by a video package for Eric Young and his humiliating piece of shit TNA career.  Then back with Eric Jung with Lauren.  They say he walked out on Rhino in some random tag match, and his friends are all like "I don't even know you anymore".  Then he tells some bullshit story about all the guys going to "Club Jarrett" and call Eric over to be a jackass for them to laugh at, like a court jester.
Rhino appears, dressed like a tool, threatens Eric Young, and they talk about a match next week, then Eric randomly "headbutts" him.  I say "headbutts" because it looked more like he squeezed his eyes close like a pansy, and just nudged his head against Rhino.  Jesse Neal randomly appears dressed like a tool, and Rhino throws him to the ground.  LOL I predicted that.  Abusive father.
Random Commercials pass.

Lauren backstage with Booker T, who jives it up and I cannot understand anything he says.  He calls 3Dicles "the Dudleys".  STOP SHOOTING, BOOKER!  Sharmell appears to lead Booker on and claim Foley got her a match against Jenna at Wictory Road.
James Storm arrives on his beercooler scooter.
Booger T vs James Swift

Match begins with Booker T dorminating, beating up on James Storm and such, but then James Storm gets control and starts beating up on Booger.  James Storm keeps beating on Booker some more, but then Booker gains the upper hand and gets to beating on James Storm.  Storm gains control again to beat on Booker.  Booker beats down James, though, and throws James Storm out of the ring, but he swings back in to beat up Booker.  Booker starts to beat him up, though, and James Storm falls out of the ring.  He gets back in and Booker beats him up, then pins.  Booker's scissor kick fails and James Storm starts beating him up.  Storm keeps beating him up.
Storms now has Booker on the turnbuckle and is doing the 10 punches mounted punch thing.  Boy that bores me.  Sharmell  OH HELL NO!  SHarmell jacks Swift's beer, and Booger T smacks Storm in the back of the head with it.  And weak-ass Earl Hebner goes down because he got beer in his eye.

WINNAR: James Storm

Commercials came and went, and now A Joey Styles is in the ring, looking all squinty-eyed and angry.  He rednecks it up on the microphone, while people chant AJ.  He says he doesn't know anyone named Samoa Joe, and calls out the En-tire nation of violence.  The entire nation comes in, and AJ suddenly knows someone named Samoa Joe.  People are chanting "You sold out" or something.  I can't really hear it too well.  AJ keeps trashtalking on Joe, and Joe is looking all Taz-like at him, and some retard in the crowd has a sign that says "WHY JOE WHY!"  Why not, motherfucker?
AJ Styles threatens decapitation of Samoan Yusuf.  HAHAHAHAHA!  A bunch of people in the crowd have a huge-ass sign in three pieces that says "SWEEEEERVE!"
Joey Samoa says Styles can ask Taz himself why, when Taz appears at Wictory Road.  AJ mad and attacks Joey.  They have a little teenage bitchfight, when BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE randomly comes and smacks down A Joey, but not Joey.  Joe and Morganite start attorking and now DANIELS DANIELS comes in to save, and attacks both of them.  Booker and Steiner come in, and Nash hobbles in after them, like the fat old crazy guy at the end of lynch mobs in cartoons.
STINK APPEARS!  He comes down to music, and Kurtle flees the ring with the rest of the Memmers.  Don West is making sense.  DON WEST IS MAKING SENSE.  He asks why Sting seems angry, he should be happy that the main event mafia is so strong now.
The MEMMERS are back in the ring after a commercial, and Stink proceeds to lecture them, says he expected this from Kurtle, but not from Nashley and the others.  Sting says it was punks like Joey that he started the Mafior to begin with.  Loloops.  nWo 4 lyf.  MEM iMPACT! coming in six months.
Stink accuses Kurtle of having Morganite be sicced on Stink, but Kurtle says he had nothing to do with it.  Morganite comes up to speak, and says... Kurtle had EVERYTHING to do with it!  OH SNAPSZ!  Ownt.  Dave Attell hides behind Taz, while Stink asks what Kenny Rogers thinks.  Booker T is like me, just kihnd of looking around bored, and Sting is all like "HEY BOOKER!  I'M TALKING TO YOU!"  Sting calls SCott a brainless jockhead.  Sting says Booker T don't care about anyone but himself. 
Sting dorps a Wolfpac reference, saying he expected more from Kebong.  Kebin says he defended bringing Sting into the mafior, stuck with him when talking about respeeeeeet and diggity.  UH OHZ!  Controversy!  Kebbin says that when Kurtle suggested having Morgan take out Sting, he thought it was a pretty damn good idea.  He then says "LOOK AROOOOOUND!  IT AIN'T WORKIN'!!!  YOUR PLAN AIN'T WORKIN'!!"  And then calls the "honor and dignity" thing bullshit.  Kevin brings God into it.  Jesus Christ.  Then he talks about money, saying it's all about money, and says they bought Samoa Joe because they couldn't beat him.
Kebong is scurred.  He says he wishes he could stand by Sting, but he doesn't want to fight the en-tire Main event Mafiaa.  In typical TNA fashion, Kebong's family is brought into the mix, and Sting insults his parenting.  KEVIN, NAAAASH.  Good God, this has gone on for nearly TWENTY MINUTES of literally no-match.  Stink offers a bat to Kebin to kill Sting.  Oh, and he pulls a bat out of his trenchcoat himself.  It's just really obvious, and then he attacks everyone else in the ring.  Smoa then kills Sting with the bat.  Rhw MJ  I mean, the Mafia returns to beat on Sting.  I get a feeling Morgan is in the main event mafia now.  So this really IS becoming an nWo thing.
End Show Good: More hardcore women.  James Storm's scooter.

End Show Bad:  EVARY THING EEEELSE!  Oh my god I thought I would just pass out.  None of the matches were in any way remotely interesting, and none of the promos or backstage bullshit were interesting at all either.

So... go read fellow nudist columnists Neil Cathan, with his TNA Slammivursary thing, of which I am VERY disappointed I did not get a name drop.  Also read Neil McGilloway, and Anthony Deanicles.
Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



Dearest Viewer,

While it has come to my attention by no one in particular that I am perhaps overstepping my bounds with regard to nonsensical jibbering and copious capitalization of a rather cynical nature in an attempt for satirical anger, I have little intention of letting it interfere with my ulterior purpose behind the greater "violence" of my words.

James Swift, I called you out. Answer my callout and fight me, or be a little bitch.

Since he did not acknowledge me at all in his recent Rocktagonal column, I'll replace all my nonexistent commercial thoughts with "Reasons Jim Swift is a Bitch", in the hopes that I will prod his prostate and/or ego sufficiently to provoke a vulgar response from the horse's ass.

TNA TIME START~! I didn't watch it on TV last night because I discovered I hated doing it. So I tried to Youtube and OH MY GOD it seems like there's a huge mess of botched uploads, many missing sound and such.

So in this starts, Mick Foley comes out with a slightly bearded Earl Hebner, his Morbidly Obese Squad of Security, and a few morbidly obese clowns for some reason. Also for some reason, the video clips out to a CNN newscast for about a half-second. That was definitely the highlight of these first five minutes.

Mick Foley says he's regained his smile (from his pants) and calls out AJ Smiles and Samoan Taz.

First AJles comes, then Samoan Joe. And again with the Taz towel. Then out comes Kurt Angle, called out by Foley, and called TNA's second greatest acquisition. TNA fans chant "Angle sucks!" with his music a-melodically. That means awkward and completely not melodically with his music.

Speaking of awkward, did anyone watch RAW on Monday? I watched about a total of two or three minutes of it. Highlights include: Randy Orton dribbling like a cretin missing several chromosomes, then getting hass-anded to him by John Cena, then him winning the WWE Championship in a clusterfuckery match, then a replay of Donald Trump buying Raw Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

That was my experience.

Now Jeff Jarrett comes out. Speaking of which the episode's name is "Welcome Back, Jeffrey!" Jeff Jarrett has something to say: "Hayave yew absolutely lawst yer freekin' mahnd?"

Mick Foley has huge confetti pyrotechnics shoot to celebrate Jeff Jarrett's return from last week! It's so beautiful, man. Mick Foley talks about peace, love, and understanding, then proceeds to talk about acts of violence, particularly booking a main event, in which wrestling will occur. That is quite peaceful. Samoan Joe and AJ Smiles will team up against two people and their problems. Handy Capable match? Stink and Angel. They have problems, too.

Foley says it sounds TREMENDOUS, but then says it's a three-way tag team dance. lolwut? Oh I see now, he's going to add another team: Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. BANG BANG! HAVE A NICE DAY! OWWWWWWWW HAVE MERCAAAY! Except he didn't say any of that. That sucked.

Foley offers them to put their hands into a circle and go 1-2-3 TEAM! No one is a team player? Aw what an asshole Jarrett is, leaving the ring. Kurtle does it! You say you're better than Kurtle? You bleached sack of shit. Fuck Jarrett. Asshole. Samoa Joe asses it up again by throwing his fat fist in Kurt Angle's face. Fatty fat fat fat.

SUDDENLY WE'RE BACKSTAGE! Jay Bee is with the Nu-Trench Coat Mafia, with Dr Stevie, the woman, and Raven sitting all Virginia Tech-y. Daffney talks, with face makeup literally fully white, and huge black circles over her eyes and black lipstick. It's far more distracting than any other thing she says. Sorry if you were expecting some kind of "recap". She also proceeds to reference "Natural Born Killers" by mentioning Micky and Mallory Knox. Raven starts mentioning Jethro Holiday for some reason, mentioning that a "Clockwork Orange Fun Match" is anything but fun. That makes sensenot.

Raven can smell and taste Chris Abyss. Ew. Raven channels a bit of Kane (C&C) in his speaking nature, but his message is too generic "I'm a bad guy, boo!" to be of any worth. He says they have addictions to sadism and masochism. He then says the only way to get over addictions is to get clean, go to jail, or die. So Raven is checking Chris and he into an addiction clinic. That will make a hell of a match at the next PPV.

James Swift is a Pussy: Fucker is a mark for ECW. He's so gushy and lovey towards ECW that I almost get diabetes just reading through his man-love to ECW and Paul Heyman. You pansy.

Video package for Shane Douglas and Christopher Daniels feud. I think he kayfabe fails to see the fact that his situation is entirely different from Daniels Daniels in that Daniels was randomly fired, whereas Shane Douglas left of his own volition like a whiny bitch.

Some kind of match, I guess, with the announcer calling him "Danhuls". Amazing Red doesn't even get a jobber entrance. He gets nothing.

Children, it appears as if I will have to start recapping TNA LIVE because it seems there is a crackith down on TNA on the Youtubes, and the sound is being ripped out of all the videos half-way through.

On a totally related note, wouldn't it be funny if one day I accidentally recapped WWE Superstars instead of iMPACT! and submitted it anyway? I know I would.

I'll be back soon after having downloaded the episode from a forums.

Daniels vs Red

They start out happy-dappy ROH-y "let's slap hands" before starting. Then a headlock by Danielssan on Redsan, slams him down, Red does flippy-dippy, includiong an armdrag, then reverses something into a dorpkick, then does a flying spinny-doo onto the outside. It LOOKED good, but he moved so slowly, it was hard to believe it could work very well.

Daniels back in, Red kicks him up, then Daniels catches him with a clothesline. Daniels then kicks him when he gets up, pins but loses. I mean loses a 3 count. Because he didn't get a 3 count. That's what he tried to do, but he didn't get it, so it's a loss, see?

Daniels gets in turnbuckle with Rod, but Red reverses, and starts kicking him again. Does a variety of different kicks, from the dorpping variety to the spinny backwards variety, then a hurricanrana off the top rope onto Daniels Daniels. Then a weird-ass move where it looked like Daniels slammed his ass down, but was apparently a screwy-looking DDT. Failburu.

Daniels reverses an irish whip, and catches him in an Undertaker's hometown driver, then an extreme bowel movement for the win. But not for his pants.

WINNAR: Christopher.

ZOMFG Shane Douglas is on screen in a clearly pre-taped thingy. He accepts Daniels Daniels' Slammiversary challenge, then offers up the worst threatening catchphrase ever in "This sunday, you will get... hahahaa... franchised."

Backstage now with Lauren and T..Taylor Wilde? I think it's her. But what is she doing standing near Awesome Kung and Cheerleader Arabia? I thought they were feuding for the past half a year or so. lolwut? Kong speaks in what I presume is supposed to be a Japanese accent, saying "Monsta will kill princess first, then monsta will kill monsta last".

James Swift is a Bitch: He dares to post UFC recaps on a wrestling site! What's that? Prefectly allowable comparative sports involving violence and competition sharing a spot on a similarly themed website? NOT IN THE ASS PIT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING CUNT-SOAKED BACK-DOOR-HAVING-YARD!

TNA's resident sperm dumpster is already in the ring and calls out Sting. Sting comes out, and Morgan starts talking fast, clearly wanting to join the MEMers. His argument is that he's 7 feet, 300 pounds, without an ounce of fat, and Sting is.... yeah. Just "And YOU?!" Clearly implying Sting is old and fat. Why you no good son of a fuck!

Morgan says they said he couldn't join the Mafior without being a champion, then SHOOTS by saying "How am I supposed to be a world champion without anyone to give me the opportunity to be a world champion?" Implying that somehow there are people backstage who just write shit like "Okay, now YOU will be champion for five months, then YOU for a month, then YOU for the next three months"? What is he, stupid? That's absolutely crazy! Haha, STOP SHOOTING MATT MORGAN!

Morgan says Sting don't respect himself or the Mafia, because they don't let Morgan in. This reminds me of a debate I had on the Youtubes with the idiots who are all like "SHOW US YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, OBAMA!" And I show them the short-form copy and they're all like "THAT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING" even though it proves taht there is a real certificate, but they don't allow just anyone to pull it out, so they give the short-form, but they're still all "BLAH BLAH HE'S A CHOCOLATE MUSLIM WHO WILL KILL AMERICA" or some shit. And it's all a conspiracy from the very beginning because the NEW WORLD ORDER was behind it all, and even had Obama's grandparents put a notice of birth in the local newspapers on the DAY OF HIS BIRTH BACK IN 1961 in Hawaii.

The New World Order is behind it. Someone, round up Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall, before they take over the world governments. It would also make TNA a whole lot more watchable.

And there, I tie my pseudo-job recapping TNA with conspiracy theories, 2012 Mayans Illuminati Freemasons Skull and Bones New World Order Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

Oh yeah, and Morgan said he was better than Sting, challenged Sting to a match at Slammiversary, Sting threatened to eat his finger, then said he'd give Morgan his spot in the Mafior if he beat Sting, then Sting tossed his ass out of the ring when he tried to run at him. Way to secure a surefire loss, Morgan. Fag. And stop cumming backstage.

James Swift is a Bitch: He whines and bitches about the HORRORS of his everyday life. Like HE'S so goddamn special because he's got his own column n shit! You don't see ME complaining about MY life... every day! You don't see ME complaining about MY life without making it funny or sarcastic or... Shut up! You're a bitch, Swift.

Jeff Jarrett and Jay Bee backstage. I don't know why. Jay Bee then tells Jarrett all the things Foley did to him last week and this week, including writing notes. What the fuck? Jarrett and Foley will tag up tonight in a match!

Jarrett comes up with the most bullshit excuse for not firing Foley, saying he has too much compassion for someone as crazy as Foley. Yeah, I, governor of California, feel sorry for Charles Manson, too, being as "crazy" as he is, I think I'll just let him out of jail.

I put "crazy" in quotations because neither Foley nor Manson are crazy.

Not Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange Match Jethro Holiday vs Raven

Jethro Tull comes at him on the ramp and hits Raven a bunch with a trash can, until they are both in the ring. This is what I get for looking away to smack my dog around---I completely missed that random sides of the ring are covered in cage walls, with weapons on them. SHUT UP I've never seen any TNA Raven matches except from Lockdown 2005 and Breaking Point. Jethro Murdoch hits Raven with trash can lid, then goes for another weapon ONLY TO GET smacked by Stevie Richards on the outside with a Kendu stick. Raven chases him out to the outside, does a Russian leg sweep to him onto the guardrail, which looked fun. Now some cane hits. Onto the head now, and I swear I saw some wood break off. "Slick Johnson" is our referee. They fight a little, but I missed it. Raven sat on a chair, now he's stuck between the cage wall and the ropes as Murdoch brings him in and starts slowly beating on him. Like no one is for Jethro Murdoch despite him being the... face? Definitely not the heel. He gets thrown through the cage wall, which crashed out onto the outside, and Raven pins for the win. POW, RIGHTINA KISSA! WINNAR: The Raven

Daffy comes out to put a straitjacket on Trevor Murdoch. Hey, remember when he gave Lauren swine flu? That was great. Best TNA promo ever. ZOMG Here comes Chris Abyss to rescue his fellow fat white piece of shit.

James Swift is a Bitch: I'm running out of shit to say, so I'll just make shit up. Swift, your ECW tenure sucked! You didn't recap ANYTHING! You just made up stories about how old ECW was the best thing ever and recapping NewCW was like watching your kind-of friend skin your other best friend's face and wear it while raping you in your pee-hole and laugh all into the night.

Promo with Don West making JOURNALISM HISTORY in his awesome interview with Samoa Joe, which consists of him asking generic questions and Joe being awesome while ominous music plays in the background.

Then the Beautiful People walk around backstage, with Angelina Love saying how she doesn't trust these biotches as far as she can throw them in her tag team match. One of them asks Kong or Taylor, and she says she's talking about her partners; ie, them. Mystic prediction time: The Beautiful People will break up.

Another backstage with Lauren asking Chris Abyss about the mixed bashy-boo match with Daffy and Taylor vs Chris and Raven. Chris steals Mankind and starts squealing all Mankind-y. Holy shit, when he screams, he sounds almost exactly like Chris Farley! Fat jokes abound. He unravels a bandage around Lauren's arm, revealing a huge bruise, and he says when they do stuff like that to her.... and I quote.... "IT MAKES ME WANNA CRYYYYYYYYYYY!" Badass, muthafucka.

Also, when he was a kid, his mother taught him a double-negative, "don't never hit girls", so Chris began assaulting women for the rest of his life. Or something completely different. My version is a better visual.

Daffney's music sounds like a genericized version of a generic version of a Marilyn Manson song.

Daffney and Angelina Love vs Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong

This just isn't working out. I mean, they book Kong like she's the Great Khali and Yokozuna and the Undertaker all in one, and none of the Knockouts can ever do shit to her. It's fucking ridiculous. Daffney gets shoved with as much power as Hogan shoving Shawn Michaels. Taylor Wilde comes back in to wrassle with her.

Daffney gets in, beats her ass up, then tags in Love, they team up and do double irish-whip crush on the turnbuckle. Love superkicks Wilde, then pins for two. Angelina is tagged in and kicks the shit out of Taylor, then starts punching her weakly. Miss a clothesline, they do a double thingy and they both die. I think I mentioned one or two of those twice. Taylor tags in Kung, while The Horrible People spray Arab Melissa with hairspray, and Kung fails to bomb Love, but ends up Implant Bustering Daffney instead. For the win.

WINNARL Awesome Kong and Taylor Wilde

Somehow the Horrible People are double teaming and killing Kong, and do a droptoe thing to her on the chair. Random Tara Attack and she punches up them in such a weak-ass way. They run away and suddenly it's TARA AND KONG FACING OFF! But since they play her music, it's clear they ain't gonna fight and this is done.

Backstage with The Dudley Boys, who are going to Japan to likely lose those tiny belts of theirs (see, because Japanese people are so tiny), then go to Slammiversary to lose their bigger titles to Beer Money. I forgot what the promo consisted of.

James Swift is a Bitch: I can't think of anything else to say. Stop being a bitch and face me.

Video package for Cory Deaner being a redneck and finally catching a dress. I wonder why they're doing this.

THEN... backstage. So Cal Val is interviewing Lethal Consequences and Murder Guns, and Jay Lethal keeps jabbering wildly all Macho Man-y. She and Jay fight, because she picked the Indian who got subsequently fired rather than the guy with actual staying power in TNA. He continually interrupts the interview. Val tells him to put underwear on.

James Swift is a Bitch.

Back again and So Cal Val with Beer Money who have become heels again. Brother Devon arrives with Buh Buh Ray and confronts them, wondering where Beer Money have been. James Storm claims they've been buying beer, whiskey, and midgets. Devon is never happy, he says. Oh snapsz! James Storm said that next time they'll come back and be Beer Money's bitches. Then Team 3D come back and killshit them.

That was quite hilarious, at least to me! I mean, really, did you really expect Beer Money would try not to take said money that they gave to them as a gift? I mean, it's not like they STOLE it, nor is it like the tag team championships aren't on the line! For some odd reason, it seems the contrary would have applied what for if not the intenser part involving said statements beforehand, that just because they "respected" each other, that somehow they're not supposed to be hostile to one another.

This isn't fucking Ring of Honor! As much as I love ROH wrestling, that whole "Code of Honor" thing was such a dumb and awkward-ass thing.

Speaking of which, I think Consequences Lethal's entrance music is great. And amazing. And I really should watch more TNA wrestling on TV instead of drooling over how awesome and awful the backstage bullshit and such is. But it's just so awesomely awful~!

That "~!" was totally accidental, by the way.

Lethal Consequenzes and Motor City Machine Guns vs Team Dudley Boys ----

Uh oh, Buh Buh Ray comes out beating up on Robert Rude, and then Devon tosses James Storm out. I doubt this will be an eight man clustershmizz match, as it's revealed Bear Money and Team D were supposed to tag. Bear Money gain the advantage and killshit 23D, only for Lethal Consequenzes to jump on them outside and killshit them.

ZOMG Suicide arrives and killshits Sabin, then does his weak-ass rolly-dorp thing on Robot Shelley. Devon rolls Lethal in, and apparently match has started.

---- and Beer Money

Devon and Buh Buh get in, double team Consewquenzes, then back body dorp Jay Lethal, then 3D Robot Shelley, pin and win.

WINNARS: Team #D and Bare Money

Backstage now with So Cal Val with AJ Styles and Taz. AJ delivers generic "Competition" promo. Taz is called Joe, for some reason. Oh wait, it IS Joe. He pulls off the Taz towel, then talks to AJ about how he's sorry and he has AJ's back and all.

James Storm is a Bitch: Why won't you answer me, HUH? You think you're better than me? Remember that time I e-mailed you the answer to Lance Storm's entrance music in ECW? I love Rob Zombie! I love White Zombie, too! You're a bitch, is why. Bitch.

Back in the back with Foley hiring some random old guy who looks kind of like an old, unmuscled Goldberg as his head of security, because the morbidly obese security guards standing a few feet away apparently aren't good enough for him.

Jay Bee asks what the hottest thing on the internet right now. Porn! Pirating! 2 girls 1 cup! Faces of Death! Anything but TNA wrestling! Foley suggests Trina Michaels videos. Jay Bee says the Tweety Bird, the Myfaces, etcetera. Then he mentions Foley's nipple tweaks, and his own tweets.

OH MY GOD THAT'S SICK! OH MY GOD THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY! It's some kind of caricature drawing of Mick Foley and Jeremy Borast with ugly deformed heads and such. THe Mick Foley looks like Ron Jeremy. Kip James is apparently the new maintenance man. His big time TV spot job? Removing AJ Styles' picture from the wall and replacing it with the caricature. OH YEAH! I'M AN ASS MAN! DIN DIN! YEAH I'M AN ASS MAAAAN! DIN DIN! YEAAAH! Total Nonstop ACTION.

Speaking of totally nonstop action, here's Jeremy's Ass with Kurt Angle backstage in ANOTHER talking segment. Angle talks SERIOUS TIME all calm-like, calm cool collected about facing Joseph. But he guarantees that the men Joe killed are gonna be in Detroit Rock City. And he's gonna kick Joseph directly into his big fat little kiester, yah, uh huh.

Match time and everyone comes out with their long entrances and such. Fun fact! This commercial-free download of the 2 hour episode of TNA iMPACT is 1 hour and 22 minutes and 2 seconds long.

Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett vs Sting and Kurt Angle vs Samoan Joe and Styles

Another good thing about having it on AVI is that I get to go back when I miss the opening parts of the match to do a google search on Daffney. She looks older in the photos on her TNA photogallery, but she looks a lot more muscular, wearing a chainmail bikini-top thing.

Foley and Sting start with the traditional WRESTLING LOCKUP. Then a TRADITIONAL PUNCH. By Foley on Sting. Happy Hannukah. More lockups on the turnbuckle. They fight. Bulldog on Foley. Foley gets arm wrenched by Sting. Tag in Angle. Angle slows down, stands and lets Foley recover, then they lockup and Angle takes command. Lead. Control. But Foley armwrenches him and does an armbreaker.

Jarrett gets tagged in, elbows on Angle's arm. Tags Foley back in. Foley punches Angle's side, now gets him int he turnbuckle. Foley runs at him, but Angle moves and Foley hits the turnbuckle, now Angle is stomping on him and kicking and such and Foley is clinging to the ropes.

Kurt tries to hit AJ and Samoa, but they dodge, and Angle gets clotheslined. Now Jarrett gets tagged in and starts fighting with Angle. Goes for an inverted Russian leg sweep but fails and Angle gets in ankle lock but Jarrett reverses and Angle tries to do an Olympic Slam but Jarrett stops that shit cold. Foley comes to the announcer's table to say what a great and reliable partner Jarrett is. This is great, because he's obviously wasting time while Jarrett gets shitkicked.

James Storm is a Bitch: Bitch-ass bitch ass bandit of bitches. You a bitch. You are a bitch. You were a bitch. YOu will be a bitch. Or will you? Who knows. You do. Bitch.

Back, and Jarrett is in an ankle lock now, while Foley complains that Slippery Penis is telling him to get in the ring. Foley is about to, but sits back down when Jarrett escapes. Foley finally comes, but Jarrett gets up and kicks Angle away anyway. Jarrett tags in Samoan Joseph, who killshits Sting, then goes for a bomb thing, bombing Kurt onto Sting.

Foley ends up back at the announcer's table, and Jarrett comes ANGRY and beats up Foley. The Morbidly Obese security guards get put away literally by mere punches. Jarrett then does a weak-ass chairshot onto Foley and each of the morbidly obese security guards.

Samoa Joe gets a muscle buster on Kurtle for the win.

WINNARS: Samoan Joseph and AJ Style

That match was a lot shorter than my play-by-play did justice for, which should have been none because it deserved none.

What part wasn't bad: Opening match with Daniels Daniels and Red. Six matches this week, compared to the usual 0-4? What a feast!

What part wasn't good: I seem to be giving up on caring about a lot of the storylines. They just seem to be evolving faster than Pokemon. Not even a mention of Eric Young this week means that that "feud" is forgotten and dead to me. The Beautiful People are inexplicably headed towards breakup why? No real reason. Raven's promo had great delivery, but the content was the same old shit of "I'm crazy, you're crazy, I like pain". Chris Abyss completely stealing Mankind's gimmick for his promo.

What part was apathetic: Stuff n junk

Now I deliver my final call-out to James Storm; come out, coward! Let me knock your ass up and win! In a contest of "I'm better than you are at everything, especially sex and violence" whereas you continue to ignore me! Am I the Eric Bischoff to your Vince McMahon? That would make sense if you worked as hard as McMahon! Oh, bitchass. BITCH ASS! Your rear end is rather related to a canine of the female persuasion! What do you say to THAT, bugnuts?


Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



This is the start of my TNA iMPACT for TODAY~!  It is 6:26 PM and I hope to do it live, streaming, broad-brain from the TV again.  Maybe I'll be properly stupid by that time to make it lively and entertaining  in that jibbering way of "AHHWAHW YOU'RE A RETARD I CAN KILL YOU THIS MATCH SUCKSKS"

Speaking of retards jibbering, Jimmy Swift has yet to answer my call, nor his recaps of something.  Whatever he does.  Like his last job as ECW recpapper, he's gone AWOL, FUBAR, hooah, ho ho ho.

BIGGEST BIGTASTIC BIGGING NEWS OF THE WEEK!  Well I haven't talked about WWE newz lately, so I figure maybe I should, to pad my shitty column?  I had some thoughts a few days ago, but just like the current WWE product's relevancy, it's faded away.

IN BIGGEST BIGTASTIC BIGGING NEWS OF THE WEEK FOR REAL: Mick Foley was on Squidbillies this past Sunday, only one of the GREATEST redneck comedy shows about North Georgia squids in the entire world, why not.
If you're not a Canadian ass, watch the episode here by clicking these words here.</a>  Dat der's Mick Foley as the wrestler.

BACK!  Time for show.  Tonight, a moment that supposedly alters wrestling history or something is occurring.  Basically, they're lying.  I'mma come up with a name for the short-term memory loss/present-day exaggeration that is so prominent in wrestling.  You all come up with one while I take my pants off.

This is one of those times where I feel like this is gonna be my worst recap ever yet.  Also, I saw the whole "SAP where available" logo on the left side of the TV screen cut off, indicating it is shown in widescreen but since I am watching on regular HD TV without HD channel, it gets cut off.  Mick Foley comes out.
He's in the ring, and saying some stuff.  I can't really tell because I can hear, but I can't listen.  I'm still thuper lamed out from basically wasting an entire hour of gameplay in Fallout 3.  See, I'm playing through it again, and I went through the whole Springvale Elementary, then went to Megaton, and found Mr Burke, and since I'm playing as an EVIL character, I want to nuclear bomb Megaton, but I accidentally chose to reject Burke and send him off, using the Black Widow trait to seduce him and send him off, and I didn't save, and I ended up auto-saving so now the only save I have to save that situation is to go all teh bum-fuck back before I killed the raiders in Springvale.

Oh hey, stuff is happening.  Jarrett came out.  He's wearing a shirt that says "6.21.09" then has like an ice cube chain design on the sign of it.  Oh, those are stars.  Damn, that's stupid.  Foley is wearing a Jeff Jarrett T-shirt.  It's funny because Jarrett wore a shirt with a date 10 days from now.  He sucks.
People cheer for Jarrett, yet as Foley pointed out, he beat the shit out of a referee AND a senior citizen, all in the form of Earl Hebner.  Mick Foley lost his smile as a result.  Then he fines and suspends (without pay) Jeff Jarrett.  lolwut?  I do believe STING won that clustershmizz match, and only just took Angle's godfather.  What the fuck?

Jarrett leaves, and Foley... heehee.  Jarrett calls him a comedy act, so Foley makes funny noises, then gets angry.  See, this is why I love Mick Foley.  He's always amazing.  Aww, traitorfaces in the audience chant "Fire Foley".
Oh wow, the morbidly obese security guards manage to overcome Jarrett and start beating him up.  And all because Jarrett chose to be beaten up, claiming he will do something the hard way.  Like sticking your dick in a jar of jam and smearing it on a slice of bread, then sticking your balls in a jar of peanut butter and smearing it on another slice to make yourself a sandwich.  That's certainly harder than using a knife.

Bnack now with Team 3Dicles promo.  They have two championship belts, making four in total.  So, uh... when?  I feel AGAIN like I've completely missed something.  D-Von basically shits on non-Americans, then makes fun of Britain using currency called "pound".  OH HEY!  Raven is sitting in the corner randomly, just watching them.  Lauren is scurred, but Buh Buh says don't worry about him.  Haha, that's funny, he's like me, sitting in a corner looking all Columbine.

Team 3Dicles will prove they will beat Beer Money at Slammaversary.  Then Lauren runs away like a bitch, because Raven has not even moved an inch, and that scares her.  NBK, BITCH!

Random Commercial Thoughts Not At All Inspired By The Commercials Themselves: Any song used in any car commercial is immediately disqualified as actual music to me, and will forever be known as "That car commercial song".  This happened once when I heard a car commercial song on the radio, and I just said, "Who the fuck would buy a CD with a car commercial song on it?"  This EVEN applies to The Beatles.  Blame Michael Jackson.
Back, with Jeff Jarrett saying he apologizes for losing his temper backstagew with Jim Borash. 

Murder City guns come out with their meek-ass little "Neeneeneeneeeee Neeneeneeneeeeeeeeee" music.  Then out comes Jay Lethal with the party-time Triple-X-based-but-now-it's-own-song theme that was Consequences Victor Creed's.  ANd he's wearing a 6.21.09 shirt, too.  Doomsday armageddon.  June 21 2009.
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention so I missed the match stipulations.  I'mma take a guess:
Alexander Shellington and Jayson Lethality vs 3D

So I tune in and Buh Buh tagged in to D-Von after fighting SHelley a bit and now Shelley is in control, irish whip D-von catches and power slams and counts 2 in a pin that only gets two.  Tag in Brohber Ray Dudley to fight SHelley.  They fight.  Don West shows some sense and logic that 3D and Beer Money secretly hate each other, whereas Tenay shits on him and proves that TNA is fucking retarded.  Jay Lethal is in now.
Lethality and Brother Ray Deadly fight.  Deadly stomps on him and such.  No, he just yanks his arm and stomps his feet to hide the fact that what he does doesn't hurt at all.  Whatever Don West said sounded like "mass suicide" but he really said "unmask Suicide".  Lethal is punching Deadly now, and goes for a back-flippy thing on the ropes but get scaught in a German suplauy by Buh Buh Ray Dudley.  Tags in Devon Hughes and they get double dorpkicked by Lethal.  Then Robot Shelley comes in and they do a double dorpkick, then Crap Sabin and Victor Creed hold onto Team 3d and a suicide dive fails by Shellith and the other guy.  The Team 3d moved away.

Slippery Penis, the referee, gets control finally and now Buh Buh and Jay are fighting, and Lethal stomps then tags in Shellith.  Shell and Lethal both smoosh Buh Buh against the second rope.  Now Shelley punches on Buh Buh in the corner and Buh Buh collapses and Shelely kicks him all ROH style, and Buh Buh just bitchslaps his skinny chest and he tags in Lethal and Lethal stomps on Buh Buh and Buh Buh crawls up onto the turnbuckle and Shelley hangs on the ropes like he's sitting in a chair with his legs up and black machismo slams Buh Buh's face inbto Alex's boots holy shit.
My wrists hurt.
D-Von comes in to do some slammy and fast stuff, pins bvut only for two.  Irish whip and reverse, and a diving shoulder bolk on Shellith and broken up pin by Black Macho Man and now a double teaming by them two on Robo Shelley.  Conzequences coems in and gets Monkey Flipped by Buh Buh.  Haha, get it, because he's black?  D-Von does that headbutt to the penis that they used to call Wzzaap.
ZOMG British Invasion comes out and Buh Buh punches on one with a faggy haircut and spikes.  TEH DOUG kills Devon with the briefcase and the other team wins.  I missed who pinned Devon, I was just honestly not paying attention.  Match was good, just... I wasn't paying attention.

WINNAR: RObot Shelley and Black Macho Man
Back now with Mick Foley making random 80s-90s "celebrity" references, and Tool McToolington goes "Whatchu talkin' bout?" when Foley mentions Gary Coleman. 
Foley is for baby-seal clubbing, as he ordered his morbidly obese security guards to club Jarrett like a baby seal.  Foley says, "Are you with me, Kira?"  If you get that reference, you win a prize.

Commercials.  Then back.

Random angry mob appears to confront Jeff Jarrett!  Oh wait, it's only "security" guards lead by Mick Foley.  He says the entire senior citizen and Italian-American uggghhhh... oops, sorry.  My apathy suddenly raped my throat-hole and I could no longer care enough to cover this.  It's just so damn... <i>generic</i>.  Not just the stupid thing with them, but this entire feud between Jarrett and Foley.

More backstage bullshit!  Back with Booker T, who screams incoherently, then threatens Samoan Joseph to make him bleed.  More incoherent screaming.  Something that sounded like "blake my damn knee"  or maybe "bleed".  Scott Steiner comes now to scream more coherently!  He's gonna break Joe's legs, but he said it in a funny way that reminded me of Bas Rutten.

Commercials.  Holy shit, that was an entire like 4 minutes of bullshit in between commercials?

It's so easy to be me, you just need to be a not-at-all subtle satire of the exact opposite of your true self.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVAR ON TNA iMPACT!  Nation of Violence First Blood match.  This is totally UNIQUE!  The super new rules, according to Tenay: "Bleed, and you lose".  Well... what?  How is that different from a First Blood match you ask?  It's violent.  Meaning the original ones like.. aren't.  You stick someone with a syringe and draw blood.  That's still violent to me.
Scott Steiner vs Samoan Joe

Steiner bumrushes Joo on the ramp, then beats on him, and gets him in the face with the ring bell.  Joe bleeds and loses, but not really.  Scott Steiner rolls him into the ring.  They fight.  Joe gains control somehow, kicky on Scott Steiner.  Tenay wonders who has been Taz talking to Joe and such.  Steiner hit Joe with something that I missed.  Then he exposes the "steel" of the turnbuckle.  I put that in parenthesis, perhaps due to my angle of the camera, but it's still covered in padding.  Scott Steiner reverses stuff and goes out of the ring for weapons.
Joe ends up putting a trash can on Steiner's head and smacks the fucking shit out of it with Steiner's head inside, giving Steiner plenty of space to blade himself more than once.
Booker T vs Samoan Joseph

Booger comes out slowly, with Sharmell in a sparkly dress.  Commercials.
Back, and Booker T is being beatn on by Joseph.  Booker kicks him, and slams him on the guardrail.  Oh, did I mention they're fighting on the outside?  Yeah, outside.  Awesome.
Don West wonders if Samoa Joe's skin is "taped on with superglue or somethin'".  TAPED on with SUPERGLUE?  Kill someone.  Not me, I love me.
Joe is beating on him, and apparently another rule I forgot to mention is you check if someone's bleeding by patting them with a towel.  If it turns red, they lose.  If it turns purple, they have psoriasis.

Booger T with knees to the head of Joe, which considering he's SAMOAN, he's up immediately, hits Booger T in the gut with the pipe.  Probably a bloodpack, as Booker T supposedly spits up blood.  Well I can't tell what's good in wrestling or not, but I think this looks like a rather powerful Samoa Joe here, and not the mook he's been lately.

WINNAR: The brown one.  Oh wait, they're all brown.  The fat one.

Okay, fuck this.  I need a big-ass glass of milk, because I feel like I'm gonna throw up without one.

Okay, so I missed a lot.  There was an AJ Styles vs Shane Douglas match that I was watching, but not really "watching".  Highlights include AJ rolling Shane in the ring once, Shane mockingly clapping, and DANIELS DANIELS appearing at the end to get smacked with a pair of handcuffs thickly rolled up in a towel.  As if handcuffs were nuclear or something.  How else justify them hurting at all when padded with a towel?  Also, the MEM was saying stuff, and Raven was in the background randomly, being all Columbiney.
Then a backstage segment with Lauren squealing and running away.  She runs into the women's bathroom, and Raven appears, and just sits down on the floor in front of the bathroom.  I laugh uproariously.  Then presumably Daffy kills her in the bathroom, then comes out all gothy and leaves.  Camera man goes into the women's bathroom to show Lauren on the floor, still conscious, not bleeding, not looking beat up at all.

Back.  Taylor Wilde is looking for Daffy.  She finds her in a dark area, where Daffney proceeds to kill her while squealing, and Raven and Stevie are just sitting beneath a staircase all Columbiney.  Eric Harris proceeds to pull Daffney off her, saying that's all the time they have for this week, while Dylan Klebold keeps looking NBK-y.

More backstagey with Angelina Love bitching.  Jorash says "the butt needs to be accomodated" based on something Lurv said.  Madison Rayne is suddenly a Beautiful Person and not a Sexy Sexy Slave girl.  When did that happen?  Oh wait, that was Velvet Sky.  But Madison Rayne still was all Beautiful People-y and not Slave-y.

Commercials.  Lawl, not even a match.  One hour and twenty minutes in, and only two matches.

More redneck bullshit with ODB and TEH DEANER.  TEH DEANER needs to do things like lift beer barrells, lift paint cans on a stick, and chase ducks while screaming "quack quack!"  Someone on a WrestleZone column once asked how this was at all comedy or entertainment.  They're likely right, because it sucks.

Kurt Angle caught by the Tool, he has beard stubble, and ANGRIES at Samo Joe, then yells at him.

Beautiful People all come out for stuff n junk.
Madison Rayne vs Tara
They start with Rayne and Tara fighting, Tara doing a flippy thing while their hands are locked.  Tara puts a leglock on her arm, and keeps grasping it as she does arm wrenches and arm locks and all those generic holds from WWF Wrestlemania 2000 to WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2009 and beyond.  Tara does a slingshot legdrop from the outside apron into the ring onto Madison Rayne and she is not toast because she kicks out of pin.
Neckbreaker b Madisyon, pin, fail, pins again, Slippery Penis fails to count a 3 count.  Rayne punches on Tara, then pins, but fails.  Lots of moves and such, and Tara gets a snappy move, and pins for two.  Scoop slam on Madisyon Rayne and Tara is gonna do a standing moonsault, probably doing a WWE-era taunt, and does an Evan Bourne move with less air.  She kicks Madisyon, and goes for a Widow's Peak and smacks her.  Having knee pains of my own now, seeing that makes me feel like throwing up.  Being slammed on the knees like that.

WINNAR: Tara, and generic acid-rock-girl-band

Eric Young in the back with his goofy-ass child smoker voice, saying he's tired of being abused by everyone.  Eric does what has got to be the HARDEST and HEAVIEST bitch slap on Jay Bee.  He just keels over and dies.


OH HEY!  So Cal Val reappears after seemingly a year of being useless not even on TV and having her Indian husband fired for being talented.  Daniels Daniels renders her further useless by shoving her away and taking the microphone, offers Shane Douglas a match in which if he wins, Shane takes Daniels Daniels' roster spot, meaning he'll have to be Suicide part-time, and if he loses, then Shane has to leave TNA.

Kurt Angle vs Sting
They shake hands before match.  Aww, how sweet.  I'm bored.  These two do not interest me.  They're wrestling, and Kurtle gets a headlock down on Sting that is reversed to a headlock with Sting's legs.  Hey, I wonder if I could just make up an entire play-by-play and if anyone would believe it.  I should try that.  One day.  Sting's facepaint is already washing off.  I always wonder what a waste of time it is to paint on that face paint for any wrestler, really, especially since they use a formula that washes away.  Sting beats up Angle enough for Angle to slip out of the ring.  Commercials.

Back in the ring with them both in the ring, Kurtle smacks on Sting's back, then a European uppercut.  He's angry at Sting.  Snap suplex on Stink.  Pin for one.  Don West explains Kin gof the Mountain rules, which don't get any less stupid with time.  Sting beats on Angle outside now, while people cheer for them both, and people start touching Sting outside.  Angle rolls inside and Sting comes in to do a Stinger splash which misses and Angle does a back suplex AND NOT A FUCKING ANGLE SLAM, TENAY.  Pin for two and no win.  They fight some more.  Sting gets a weak-ass hug from Angle from behind while sitting on the floor.  More commercials.
Back.  They're both down and being counted.  They get up at seven, and exchange punches.  How lovely.  Clothesline by Stink on Kurtle a few times.  Irish whip from one turnbucjle to another for the STINGAR SPLUSH.  Then he does another.  Then Kurtle gets a german suplex and multiple ones. 

Oops, sorry, I passed out a bit and missed more.  Matt Morgan randomly appeared, spread his FAILURE in the ring and Kurtle won over Stink.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle seems shocked that Morgan is in the ring.  Oh wait, Angle is MAD at Morgan for Morgan hitting Sting.  ANGREY!  Haw hawh aw haw.  Backfire on the Blueprint of DNA.  Morgan shoves Kurtle.  Referees keep them separated.

Pep Pills: The tag team match was good.  Samoa Joe looks killer.  Daffney looks hot.  Raven and Stevie being all NBK Columbiney
Sleeping Pills: Almost everything else.
Autopsy Report: So Neilius McGillowaius and I are int he same boat, in that we recap the worst show of our respective brands.  Irony!  And yet his show is full of wrestling goodness for a taut 1 hour, I get a bloated 2 hour load of nonsensical shit that threatens to kill me.  BUT I ONLY GET STRANGER.  Or something.
More stuff... Jimmy Swift, I hate you.  Anthony Dean, you steal my shit, and your drunken recap is inferior.  And he came up witht he stupid name for the morbidly obese security guards from last week, with a name like "Gravy Shitters" or some shit.  Hahahaha, you suck, Nabraniel.

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



I hate you people for making me do these TNA imPACT! things on a weekly basis.  Weekly responsibility!  How does anyone manage that?
I'm still convinced it is NOT related to TNA iMPACT! that my Thursdays have subsequently turned to shit and become hellish days that make me wish I could kill someone and/or myself, or else fly up high in the sky and like be magical pixie fairy and the like.
So I skipped it yesterday, so as to do it via the Youtubey message today.  I mean method.

Speaking of threatening people, Jimmy Swift has yet to answer my calling him out, presumably for some kind of me-kicking-his-ass festival.  Answer up, Storm!  Your ass is mine.

Before we wait for the Youtube video to finish loading, let me just say that I have evil angers and hatreds that make me a monstrous monster to beat up and kill people for stinging offenses ranging from as horrifying as "destroying my spaceship in an online video game that will respawn anyway while I was away drinking some iced tea or reading a book or just plain not paying attention" to as spellbinding as "being nearly murdered by computer ships in same game nearby a Neutral base, and having a member of that Neutral faction threaten MY LIFE for DARING to open fire near their piddling pissant station, just because they have a faggot treaty where no faction may fire weapons within a certain radius of their station, but because this is an RP server, only players can obey this, whereas the NPCs don't bother to stop killing the shit out of me, and his only response to my 'it's only in self defense because these motherfuckers don't give a fucking shit about your faggy rules' is a 'too bad, happened to me once before, your fault for having a faction hate you'"
Okay, it's done loading.

Kiyoshi comes out... very slowly... and wearing Jappo clothes.  Jee whiz, he's-- oh wait, he was waiting for Sheik Abdul Jabbar

Dear TNA: At what point in time did Kiyoshi show ANYTHING remotely resembling an "anti-American" stance?  EVER, EVEN?  PS, I hate you.

Sheik Abdul Jabbar and Kiyoshimitsu vs Someone who looks like Christopher Daniels, but the announcer calls "Dantull" and David Carradine's initial murder suspect
Note how much TNA loves the X Division: They get their own King of the Mountain match, one in which no qualifying matches ever took place ever.
Match starts with Daniels flippy-dipping against Daivari, whipping him around a lot and such.  Announcers talk about King of the Mountain match, but SHOCKINGLY, the X Division one!  So it's actually relevant to this match!  Speaking of irrelevancy, Suicide comes in, and beats on Paul Abdul Jabbar, punching and such.
HAHAHA I love Don West.  He accuses Mike Tenay of having an obsession with thinking Suicide was Daniels.  It's funny because West was the one doing it.  Projection!  Freudian defense mechanism!  Was it Freud or Jung?  Or something else entirely?
Oh yes, the match.  It's still there.  Bashir beats on Suicide, and Kiyoshi then tags in to kick Suicide's gut.  Headbutts him, drags him a bit, then goes for back suplex but Suicide flips out, then catches Kishi in a cradle suplex.  NOT A FUCKING TAKEOVER, TENAY, GAAWWWWD!
Daniels Daniels in (who West keenly remarks, is OBVIOUSLY not Suicide), STO's Kiyoshi, but then Jabbar comes in and whips him, double team, Jabbar whips Kisyho but Daniels counters, gets both of them in a bulldog/clothesline thing, now both of them in and a back-drop into a rolling death valley driver by Suicide (who is CLEARLY not Daniels).

This is why you shouldn't take drugs, people: I looked away, got focused on something else, and suddenly a bunch of people kidnapped SUicide.  I think it was the Murder guns.  Shane Douglas randomly appears and punches DANIELS DANIELS, causing Rikishi to pin Daniel for the nonloss.  And Kishi is randomly bleeding, I think.

WINNAR: The Sheik and the Ninja

Commercials went and gone, then came back.  IN its place, Random Youtubbery:
"bluethunder25 (11 minutes ago) : Pro wrestling needs more japanese wrestlers in America. I say make an American Japanese Wrestling promotion."
I responded with this: "American... "Japanese"... Wrestling... promotion.  Do you typically look at the letters that come out on your screen, or just press the pretty letter buttons and don't bother reading until you've posted your comment?
I'm pretty sure "Japanese" is not a wrestling style, but a nationality."

Shane Douglas in the ring on a steel chair or two, says he's a HUUUGE fan of TNA.  I'd believe it; fucker's got no neck anymore, just a chin that disappears into his shirt.
Douglas wants a second chance at something, whereas Daniels Daniels got one.  Oh, employment.  Wow, he's screaming so hard, he's sweatin grease.
I can barely understand him, he sounds like a methed biker gangster, and I swear he slurred some word in a funny way.  Well I listened to it over and over but didn't hear it.

We now get a Slammiversary video package, which can best be summed up as "A summary of the entire TNA Year One DVD", that is, random video shots of wrestling, and words claiming how no one expected TNA to survive or prosper.

Oh hey, apparently TNA has a rule that the TNA Championship MUST be defended once every thirty days.  Foley proceeds to offend me and others like me by claiming it is not like a menstrual cycle.  I don't know about other people, but the only image I get in my mind is him holding the championship while his wife menstruates on it.  Yeah, that get you off?
The Bayadass Billy Gunn walks in, begging Foley for something.  I missed it because I was making a menstruation joke.  Kevin Nash wanders in with Jenna, wondering where he can get some of the shit Foley's smoking.  Oh wait, no, he's angry at Nash making the match blah blah.  OH HEY!  Someone read my mind a week in the past; Freud defense mechanism reference: Transference.  Foley taking out his anger at Dixie Carter and Spike TV on Nash and Joe and Lethal Lockdown n such.  Nash demands a FOUR TIMES pay raise for this one match.  If this is not a five star match, I quit.  Quit TNA reporting forever.  That extra 3x payment could feed a starving Trinity, Gail Kim, and some non-useless wrestler, male or female.

CROSS THE LINE WITH VELVET SKY!  She loves UFC and Boxing.  I think that's it.  Also, if she were a guy, she'd be playing baseball.  Something about this strikes me as "DOES NOT COMPUTE"... women DO play baseball, you know.  And arguing "well no one cares about women's baseball" when you're in a women's wrestling division...

Lauren now with the Murder guns and the Lethal black guys.  Sabin says he wants Lethal to shut up, and he hates him.  Maybe because he's black.  Lethal tells Sabin to stop talking so slow.  I do not know why Lethal said "NO MORE SHAPESHIFTING!" and Shelley repeated it.  Maybe I should pay more attention, but I DO want to  what?
They come out for a match.  Lethal consequences.  No one seems to be booing them.
You know what the MOtor City Machine Guns music reminds me of?  Balls Mahoney's entrance music from ECW One Night Stand 2005.  As in it sounded like it was one guy in the back with a guitar and a $25 amp playing the theme on one string, without the Overdrive function.  It's that shitty and weak.

James Storm is the best thing in TNA right now.  He still has a trophy full of beer, and a gokart that is literally a beer cooler with wheels and handlebars.
Why is DON WEST the only voice of reason here?  He tells Beer Money to BE VERY VERY LEARY of Team 3D and Mike Tenay bitches him out, and says when he saw that trophy thing last week, it was greatness.  Does he kayfabe not realize they're going to fucking wrestle for the championship belts?  I hate Mike Tenay.

Lethal Consequences vs Murder City Machine Guns vs Beer Money

Starts with Rude and Sabin, killshttign and flipyp-dippy, Sabin misses rope-DDT and Storm runs in to double suplex Sabin, do a Beer Money taunt with the crowd.  Now Creed is in with Storm.  Does a neat gutbreaker into rock bottom-y slam, then they trade punches.  HAW HAW Sabin grabbed Storm and slammed him down as he was bouncing off the ropes.
Sabin in, puts boot to Storm's throat.  Referee stops Roode from coming in, Creed comes in, attacks Storm.  Creed does a flippy-dippy into a clothesline.  HEADLOCK!  Tag in Chris Sabin.
Oh wait, let me revise that:

Chris Sabin and Consqeunces Creed vs Beer Money

See, I got the match listing thing wrong.  It's hard when you're retarded.  I mean TNA.  When TNA is retarded, and ---
Awesome; both Sabin and Creed tried a move on the top rope, and bumped into each other.  They bitch at one another, Roode takes Sabin, does a back body drop, but Creed like all stops that shit and gets a pin on him quick.  But it failshifts.  Rood-e and Creed fight, but ZOMFG Random Gladiator and his Barbarian guards come in!  Then Cyprus Hill comes out to beat them up.
Speaking of which, am I the only one who thinks that The Dudley Boys look like Cyprus Hill?
Dudleys chase away the barbarians and the Roman, and the match continues.  Sabin kicks Creed in the face, but only because Roode moved out of the way when he was being held.  DWI on Creed, which does not mean "Driving While Intoxicated" but "Drinking While Investing", which is probably the only most clever move name I've ever heard for any finisher in the past 10 years.

WINNARS: Beer Money
Did Love just say they're going on a "Cunt Search"?  I only know because they censored whatever ANgelina Love said before "search".  So I assume the worst.  Maybe "Filthy Putrid Pus-filled Cunt Search"?  Or "Hermaphrodite Search"?

Random music video package featuring people wrestling.  When did Daffney fight Taylor Wilde?  Looks awesome.  Oh wait, this was from that last PPV, wasn't it?  Daffney's hot.

Backstage and randomly "Tara", formerly Victoria of the WWE, is being randomly beaten up by the Beautiful People, then she randomly takes control and killshits them.  HARDCORE!  Weapons n shit.  See, this is why I whined and screamed and complained about no Knockouts in the TNA game.  They're the best thing in this thing.
Tara points at Love, says "You're next, bitch"  Angelina Love squeals, turns, and runs into a closed door.

Video package for Slammiversary 2006 match between AMW and AJ and Christopher.  Highlights include: Daniels Daniels shitting on Triple X vs AMW best of infinity matches, AJ and Daniel hire a shemale to carry Gail Kim away from the ring, presumably to rape her, and the only thing James Storm remembers is that the match took place at Slammiversary.

BACKSTAGE with Memmers and Kurt Angle talking about killing Joe

Lauren interviews Daffney, who is all gothy with the makeup and such and the punky-goth band shirt.  She proves to be completely and utterly sane with this statement: "Crazy people have no logic; we do what we do, we say what we say, because that's what we do"
1) Crazy people don't think/know they are crazy
2) That's not what crazy people do; that's what drunk people do.

Daffney has people who don't like it when she says no.  Rapists?  Slavemasters?  Moses, Muhammad, Jesus Christ?

I need to pee.  MEM creates a hitlist.  Hello, police?  A group of wrestlers are threatening to kill one another, one of them calling themselves a "Main Event" Mafia.  Nash says "any man can die" and "the hardest thing any man does is living".  Booker T won't be politically correct.  NIGGER NEGRO SPEARCHUCKER PORCH MONKEY COON.  I mean, sorry, what?  He was talking about the Ultimate Warrior.  At least, I think so.  He said "One Warrior Independent Nation".  WARRIAH had his "One Warrior Nation"  Close enough.  ULTIMATE WARRIOR TO TNA!
Scott Steiner calls him a "fat some ma bitch" TWICE.  Kurt seems to notice it, and tries to question him about it, but Steiner just says "he's FAT!!!"  really loudly.  I love Steiner.
I don't even need to write any jokes, this shit is hilarious.  Sting rubs Kurt's shoulders and scolds him like a child.
I just realized now; is maybe TNA taking seriously Foley's kayfabe idea of defending the title once a YEAR?  I mean, who's he feuding with?  No one.  Jarrett randomly drifted off to feud with ERIC FREAKIN YOUNG for no reason.  Kurtle and Stinger and all the other sfeud with the remnants of TNA's flea medicine. That's it.

Video package of Daffney being hired to be Sarah Palin not-at-all-look-alike, then "transformed" into Daffney.  Stevie somehow explained this to us, but I forgot or completely missed it.  I now see where the Wrestlezone marks are meandering about Daffney trying to be MsChif and not pulling it off too well.  They're both gothy, and they both scream in the ring.  But Daffney's hotter.

West scores another zinger: "Taylor Wilde's the kind of woman you take home to your mother; and then leave her with your mother and sneak out to hook up with Daffney"  Tenay says where does that leave Awesome Kong, West: "Hopefully at your house"
Daffney vs Taylor Wilde

They start outside the ring, NASTY ASS whip into the steel steps.  We get a replay for this.  Wilde punchy-puus, but is distracted by Stevie and Raven coming down, so Daffney gains control.  Did TNA forget that Lauren is Chris Abyss's girlfriend, and that Taylor Wilde is NOT his "part-time" girlfriend?  They seem to be confusing this an awful lot.
Failed top rope move by Wilde, failed pin by Daffney, long-ass scoop slam by Wilde.  Daffney hits a lobotamy and pins for the win.  Also, West surreptitiously calls himself insane by quoting Daffney's false statement on crazy people when asked why he says something.


Lauren runs out afterwards as the three of them prepare to gangbang Taylor Wildde.  Raven gets on microphone and lisps some a bit.  Says everyone wants RAVEN AND RICHARDS.  For some reason, I can't find this in any way believable what with Stevie once being all crazy and punky with the midriffs and short shorts, and now he's dressed like a doctor.  He makes a gay joke at Chris Abyss's expense, involving putting things down his throat.

VIDEO PACKAGE for Eric Young and Jeff Jarrett.  Maybe blame years of TNA booking, or blame Eric's goofy-ass face, but I cannot take him seriously.  I just burst out laughing when he tries to talk seriously.  He sounds like a child smoker.

Jeff Jarrett then comes out.  He ain't dead, no he ain't dead.  His wife is, though.
Jarrett invites his good friend Eric Young, who still comes out to his goofy-ass music.  Jarrett says Young and he have come too far down the years to feud over this.  Except that's not how TNA booking works, haw haw haw haw etcetera.
While Jarrett talks and buries Eric Young, I note the ring has a "6 Hour Power" logo in the center.  Hey, what ever happened to that Super Eric gimmick, where during SUper Eric's matches, some Eric Young lookalike guy would sit in the audience, within camerashot, with sunglasses?
Jarrett says it's Eric's choice if they fight or make peace or something.  Maybe wants Eric Yount to apologize.  His goofy-ass voice makes it hard to pay attention.  Oh, he's gonna tell a sob story about his father, with his child smoker voice.  He moved to Cuba when Young was young.  HAHAHA HAVANA SUPERMAN?  Maybe that was him.
Eric Young continues to throat cancer on Jarrett and talk about their past.  Jesus Christ, son, his voice is fuuucked up.  Worse than Stevie Richards's.  Maybe he really was a child smoker.
Young accuses Jarrett of becoming Jarrett, just like him.  Jeff and Jerry respectively.  Holy boy this is boring.  Maybe it's the goofy-ass voice, or just the boring-ass "I'm a redneck, you're a redneck, we have a history".  What the hell's with feuds dragging Jarrett's daughters into it?  Young just did it now, and now Jarrett bitchslaps him, and they fight.  AND NOW THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER... FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS AT LEAST.

Jarrett starts popping referees in order to get to Young.  Security starts dragging tyhem apart.  NOW TO THE BACK WITH FOLEY AND TOOL MCTOOLINGTON
Foley bitches about assaulting TNA people, then he reveals he hired the morbidly obese security guards Stink fired.

CROSS THE LINE WITH RHINO!  He likes Tool Rock, and Eminem, and reveals he scored with a cheerleader he never talked to in highschool.  That's called "rape", manbeast.  His most memorable moment is winning the TNA Heavyweight title.  LOL WHEN?!  Never.  NWA =/= TNA.  His one wish is world peace, then cries.  Aww.

Video package for Rhino and Jesse Neal, complete with Halloween-style music.  Terrorists killed Rhino's best navy friend on the USS Cole, which apparently inspired him to train a marine nine years later to job to MATT FREAKIN MORGAN.
Backstage interview basically stating everything I just said above.  Dead friend, wrestling dream, Matt Morgan, Rhino training.  I think TNA stole this from the WWE... Smackdown vs Raw 2009.  Oh god.  Where John Cena has a "real life" marine buddy get beaten up by Randy Orton or some chucklehead, and that marine guy gets involved in the storyline and shit.

MATT MORGAN vs Petty Officer Job

Some wonder, is Russo tasteless and trashy enough to have this whole "inspirational" story with Jesse Neal and having his mom at the arena cheering for him and American flags everyhwere and then have Morgan beat the kid shit up?  Naw; any wrestling promoter would do that.
So Jesse Neal runs around, and reverses some stuff, and his offense consists of a headlock.  Morgan killshits him the rest of the time.  Back suplex, bump in the turnbuckle, sideslam, punches and clotheslines and such, and a big-ass dorpkick.  Would pin, but Morgan stops the pin at 2 to keep beating on him.  This is how you book an inspirational hero vs big villain doody guy?  Jesse gets some punches, and then gets reversed and Carbon Footed and killed.


Rhino looks like a father whose son just completely failed him and failed at life.

MICK FOLEY IN THE BACK!  Team Fatness.  Naw, not good enough.  Morbid Team Obesity?  Someone help me here.
MORE PROMO TIME!  We down at "Leroy's Fitness Club" in "Bucksnort", Tennessee.  Fifty bucks said Russo came up with that shitname.  ODB and Cory Beaner "training".  Deaner somehow became a retard, and repeats everything ODB says.  Now he's lifting paint cans on a stick.  Whole redneck training montage with farm equipment and such.  This is entertainment?  This is total nonstop action?  Hope Nash puts on a five star match tonight, or I'm out.

Mick Foley comes out after all that.  Tenay plays a pathetic face commentator, claiming Jarrett was somehow justified in hitting Earl Hebner because it was "heat of the moment" and this is no reason for Foley to fear for his security and hire bodyguards.  This being the same Jeff Jarrett who was nearly killshitted by Foley at the Armory, and would subsequently wrestle him at a PPV and fail, and thus has every reason int he world to try to kill Foley.Or something.

Kind of a missing logic here (IN TNA?!  NEVAR!)  Foley says he knows something about being former TNA World Champion.  lolwut?
Foley talks about Sting and Angle, talks about Sting making changes in the mem, and how he needs the morbidly obese security guards.  Somehow Foley, who has nearly died in the Hell in a Cell match, had Triple H end his career kayfabe, wrestled the muthafucking Rock, Stone Cold, Sting, Abdullah the Butcher, Terry Funk, all these people, says for the first time ever, he's scared.  Of Jeff Jarrett.  WOOOOOOOOOO!  NO wait, I mean, Hahaaaa.. J-E-Double F J-A-Double R-E-Double T!
All this was just for Foley to say that next week, his reaction to Jarrett will be "hardcore".  And where is Eric Young in this whole thing?

The exact same video package I said was like TNA Year One DVD is replayed.  One of the random sentences hilariously says "They have no talent."
Also, I'm watching a movie on AMC right now, Friday afternoon at 3:05PM, and I thought it was "The Wrestler" (1979) and now these two guys are swordfighting in a parking lot after a wrestling match.  lolwut?

BACKSTAGE NOW with Stink and Jognny Borash.  Sting doesn't have to say "Oh, here we go again!"  Sting was recently a part of a group of celebrities protesting a restaurant for serving endangered blue fin tuna, only it was the other Sting.  The music one.
Matt Morgan randomly appears to Sting, wiggly-biggling, clearly wanting to join.  Sting stays calm, talks about how they all knew each other for 20 years, and says IT'S ALL ABOUT RESPECT!  But Matt Morgan clearly ain't respectful n shit!  STING REMOVES HIS SUNGLASSES!  OH MY GOD, STING WAS STEVE BORDEN THE WHOLE TIME!!!!111
Morgan finally gets it, saying Sting doesn't want him to be in MEm because he's not a former champion.  YES, IDIOT, DUUUUH!  He's literally won NO championship EVER.
Backstage with Borass and Booger T and Scott Stinger.  Booker jabbers some incoherent shit involving murder and the like.  Scott Steiner jabbers some incoherent shit abou tbloodshit and violence, not meaning diddly squat, something that sounded like "growing up in Detroit" but could have been "glow sticks are maladroit"
Sharmell wanders in whining at Booker T for soem reason.  Booker T and Stiner leave with Sharmell.

OH I think that movie on AMC is Highlander.  That explains the swordfighting, and the now suddenly everyone's in Medieval Scotland.
Kevin Nash vs The En-tire Nation of Violence LETHAL LOCKDOWN

I cheated a little; I saw some/most of this match last night.  And I plan to not live up to the "TNA killed me" symptoms that everyone else got.  Joe's music hits, then ends, then video clip backstage of Joe talking to Taz.  They didn't show Taz, but come on, it's fucking Taz.  They completely fucked up the whole "subtlety" thing by having Joe wear a Taz towel over his head.
Music hits again and Joe comes out.
Joe and Nash have kendu sticks, and begin SWORD FIGHTIGN!  Joe hits Nash's knee.  OHHH THAT KNEE THAT HE ONCE BROKE BY WALKING!  Nash proceeds to no-sell subsequent knee hits, while htey exchange randomly sold kendu strikes.  Then Nash chokes Joe in the turnbuckle with the stick.  Joe stays on the buckle and Nash stalls a lot before doing sluggish-ass elbow hits to him.
HOW IN THE HELL can people be chanting "Let's Go Kevin!"?  I wonder just what charts Tenay are looking at that this match has gone off of.  Bad taste?  Poor quality?  Apathy?  OR FIVE STAR CLASSIC?!  I say the last one, because it's most SWERVE-Y.
Nash on the ground now, after Joe done got him, then gets lowblowed by Kevin.  Don West wants to be honest; no rules in lethal lockdown.  And yet Nash didn't think to bring in a tommy gun, nor Joe bring in his big-ass piece of sharpened rock he calls a knife.
PIN on Joe gets a nothing, then goes again for a two, then another two.
Joe with a Khali Vice Grip on Kevin, then Kevin gets him with a trash can lid as he recovers.  Nash goes for kendu stick slow swings, but Joe easily ducks, then hits him with dorp kick, then knee dorp, pin for a two.  I think this is a Cock-ina Clutch.  Tenay calls it a rear naked choke, though.
JOE WANTS TO INFLICT MORE PAIN ON KEVIN NASH IN THIS THUS FAR FIVE MINUTE FIVE STAR CLASSIC!  That's One star per minute.  FIVE STAR!  Joe pins Nash for the win after another Kendu hit.  He apparently signals that he got Nash down, and has three more to go.  Except Nash isn't dead.  Joe sucks as a hitman.  He grabs a microphone and says "It... is done".

That was the Start: Eric Young; smarmy heel.  Being bored and not caring about almost anything.
Experience the Pain of Recapping TNA: I really desperately hope I am doing a good job recapping this.  Because every week, something is pulled from someone's ass, and I'm suddenly like "WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?" and I think I've been slagging off somewhere and totally missed some plot point.  Like Kiysho.  At what point did he show some kind of "anti-American" stance, other than following Sheik Abdul Jabbar around as they walked nearby Team 3D being beaten up by British?

Stuff I do now:  James Swift, I called your bitch-ass out, bitch.  Andthony Deaner, you steal my fucking shit, you die.  Neil McGilloway... well I just plain don't like you.  Canadian Bacon,

End show, end week.  Let's hope I haven't been murdalized next week.  Not that I'm being targeted or anything, just that ANY ONE COULD DIE AT ANY TIME.  I COULD DIE RIGHT NOW AND YOU'D NEVER READ THIS.  NO?  HOW WOULD I EVEN KNOW?  Uh oh, mindfuck.

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).