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TNA IMPACT
ON TO-- oh wait, it hasn't started yet. I'mma go take a piss.
Since my feedback has staggered to... well, I haven't gotten any in weeks... I decided
to answer the unanswered question: Why do you take off your pants during your Septuple R and proceed to tell us about it?
Is it inspired by TNA? Perhaps. Mostly because it's nice and comfy without pants.
Suddenly I'm not feeling in the mood to recap. Fuck you assholes. I need to
be paid to tolerate TNA. Because I sure as hell don't watch the wrestling parts. What kind of asshole watches
wrestling for the wrestling? An obvious asshole, obviously. Someone who takes "literal" a bit too literally when
really it's supposed to mean something other than that. That's why they call it "literal"! Or irony. One
of those two.
DIRECT FALLOUT3 FROM MY SACRIFIIIICE! Suicide defends the X championship against
himself.
THE AMAZING COLOR RED comes to the ring. Then comes SUicide.
HAY! Remember when TNA had that whole "TNA Frontline (kills fleas AND ticks)" faction
fighting the Mafior? You don't?! Remember how Jeff Jarrett brought DANIELS DANIELS in supposedly for like being
part of the Frontline or something? And see how he's completely not doing anything anymore anywhere near the main event?
You don't?!?!?
This brings back childhood memories of when I was still a mark, and saw the WCW/ECW invasion
of the WWF as legitimate, then was confused and disappointed that they called themselves "The Alliance" and didn't do any
"invading" after "Invasion" and just sort of settled in and played by the rules, what with the wrestling and being involved
in storylines, and it didn't turn into an "INVASION" again until McMahon came back and said "WINNAR TAKES ALL AT SURVIVOR
SERIES!"
Amazing Red vs Suicide
Winnar: Suicide
Stink talks about being head of the family, and we get CLOSEUPS OF SAD ANGLE who looks
like he has stubble on hsi face. He's a sad man. Holy shit he DOES have stubble, and is all sadlike. He
looks like a fucking junkie.
Stink asks if any of the MEMmers have lived up to the pact. It's obvious that none
of them have. So like... the entire group is a failure, then? Kurt Angle looks drunk, strung-out, hung over, suicidal.
UH OH STING IS SCREAMING! He bans the women from the MEMmers. Aw dude come on... sexism. Not legal.
Nash and Booger are feminists; they make sexism their bitch! Sexism is all like "Oooh Booker T and Kevin Nash!
You're so hot! I love you! Kissy kissy!"
W-what? Mick Foley is STILL TNA Champion? I'm... what? WRESTLEZONE SAID
STING WAS NEEEEEEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Does this mean that upfuckery match was not for the Championship,
but was some kind of easter egg hunt involving "pin the guy who has the stuff you want" and Sting went for ANGLE and a leadership
position in his shitty group? Instead of JARRETT for COMPLETE FUCKING CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE COMPANY? And why in
the fuck would anyone pin STING? End STING's career, or win the ENTIRE COMPANY OF TNA or win the TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
or win Kurt Angle's thing? TNA? Sense? Congruity? Repetition?
Commercials: ----
Back. Borast bitches about the Britons stealing Hernando's briefcase. The
Roman says they just took something they wanted, THE AMERICAN WAY! Come on! When was the last time America did
that? Ever even?! Like... fucking.. 100 years ago? Seriously! You think we own Iraq? You
think we got any oil from Iraq? AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Jenna Haze being talked to by a Lauren. No wait,
not Jenna Haze. Do a google search for Jenna Haze. Who is this bitch? She says Sharmell is blinded by her
own ignorance, or as her people say, "igni-ince". Sharmell randomly appears from behind a door and chokes a bitch.
Back. MOOOOORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Doctor Stevie bumping his crotch against
Lauren. She's angry. He's invading HER office, since she did the same last week. Doctor STEVIE has a therapy
session with Abyss. He calls it some freaky-deaky psychology term "Mind control". "Maaaaaeeeend Cunt Roooollll"
Oh wait, this isn't a match. It's in-ring shenanigans.
LADDAR MATCH CHALLANGA FOR TEH X DIVISION BRIEFCASE FEAST OR FIRED THING THAT
WAS STOLEN FROM HERNANDEZ One of the British guys vs CORY BEANER!
Winnar: Doug NotFunny
BACKSTAGE Jarrett talks shit on Eric Young.
DOCTOR STEVIEEEE in the ring, and brings out Chris.
The Horrible People are walking around somewhere backstage. Commercials.
Commercial Thoughts: John Travolta believes his dead son has been reincarnated, and that
the horrors of his having a seizure and dying in the Bahamas will cause him to grow up dyslexic or with MS or something.
Back. John Borash is all happy for Raven coming back, but then asks why he did what
he did. He answers exactly how I would, and exactly how I stole it from the very first episode of "Aqua Teen Hunger
Force" in Master Shake saying "Why is anything anything?" Though he didn't say it in those words.
The Beautiful People come out. Huh? What? Guy randomly says "And her
opponent" then introduces Angelina Love. I often get the feeling that despite just WATCHING TNA and listening to everything,
I miss a whole lot.
Oh, finally they have a little bar thingy saying "Sojo Bolt". Can they really not
spell Sojournor?
Angelina Love vs Sojo
WINNAR: Anglina Lurv
She gets on microphone to be ugly and obnoxiously voiced. Now she fires Bad Ass
Billy Gunn. Uh huh. Cites the main reasoning being him getting killshitted by Amazoring Kung, and he exclaims
"I WAS HIT BY A CHAAAAIR!@" More "YOU GOT FIRED" chants. He leaves with the sort of smile and evil look of a drunken
wifebeater. Angelina Lurv needs new "hos" to throw around here. I forsee Victoria from WWE debuting. And
I was right. Because I read spoilers. She weakly beats up Velvet Sky and Sexy Sexy Slave Girl, then does some
kind of flippy-dippy on-the-shoulders-slam thing that looked nice and tight. That's what he said! She gets Love
in a Widow's Peak.
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT WITH ERIC YUNG! He will be in a KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifying
match against the KING OF THE MOUNTAIN Jeff Jarrett, who had a four disc DVD set named KING OF THE MOUNTAIN recently released.
The point being he's not gonna win.
Commercial THoughts: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 has completely and utterly not
sold me at all as to why I should pay 50 dollars for essentially the very same game, but with more stuff. Also doesn't
help that almost the entire trailer was pre-rendered cinematics. Why in the fuck do we need to see that in trailers?
They don't tell us shit about the game, just how much money you have to make CG movies.
My head is starting to hurt.
You know, I love tits as much as the next man or lesbo feminazi dyke. Why must I
be ashamed to say that? Because it's offputting when I follow that up with "I love for those tits to be attached to
a smoking hot shemale with a 40 inch dick".
Back. And apparently Lethal Consequences are heel now. All because they want
to reveal Mike Awesome under that skinny Suicide body. Lethal also wants to know what part of the HAND is the Murder
City guns from. See, cos Michigan. Hand. Etcetera.
Mick Foley comes out, talks about being on the evil side of TNA Management, or "the honeymoon's
over" and such. Talks about next week's KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifier, and OH NO MORE TWEAKING REFERNECES. Nipple
tweaking. On a related note, did you know they made a porn movie called "This Ain't Star Trek" and it is indeed based
off Star Trek? The TV series. Also it has Sasha Grey as a Vulcan. GUESS WHAT SHE DOES HAHAHAA fucks.
She fucks. And sucks.
Again comes the smark = heel philosophy. Foley remarks that the match being called
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN and Jarrett being called KING OF THE MOUNTAIN means the deck will be STACKED against Jarrett's opponents.
Foley wants to be TNA Champion forever, and says the key to that is not to defend it very often. THAT'S THE TICKET!
BACKSTAGE with DANIELS DANIELS and A Joey Styles. They talk about generic face stuff,
then THE ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE appears. Samoan Yusuf wants things to be sweet n tender with AJ, but he says AFTER
THE MATCH. I forsee they will fight.
Commercials, then back.
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifying match Eric Young vs KING OF THE MOUNTAIN Jeff
Jarrett with a new DVD release titled KING OF THE MOUNTAIN
Don West shoots by explaining how Jarrett exploited Young by having him be the comedy
act, wrestling DANNY BONADUCE in the Lockdown pre-show and such. STOP SHOOTING, EVIL WICKED WITCH OF DON WEST!
Bore Ass asks Young some stupid questions, and he tells him that JArrett now will "DON'T
YOU.... FORGET ABOUT ME... DUNNN DUN, Do-wuu-oo-wuu-oo-wuu-oon't! Don't you... forget about me!" Get it?
Fuck you.
Team 3Dicles in the ring with stuff, indicating no match. BEER MONEY comes out,
apparently now faces. Haha, they make a chant with "BEER" and the crowd going "MONEY!"
HAW HAW HAW "Jesse Neal" is gonna debut. That navy guy who was being trained by
the RHINO OF FAILURE, Rhino.
What the fuck? Some rappers are rapping to AJ Styles' music in the ring. HAHAHAHA
they get cut-off mid-rap by commercials.
AJ Styles vs DANIEL
BACK! Hangman style neckbreaker on DANIEL DANIEL by A Joey Styles. Chinlock/Crossface
by A Chris Benoit on DANIELS DANIELS. OH MY GOD Don West is into Mass Effect 2! I lurved Mass Effect! See,
TNA is listening to what I said in my obscure old post about making Don West a great heel commentator. All he needs
to do now is threaten to kill random people.
Winnar: AJ Styles, whom I am having trouble believing is not related to that right-wing
extremist Joey Styles who hates Barack Obama because he's black and believes wads of puke in girl's stomachs aren't living
babies.
OH NOEAZ SHANE DOUGLAS ARRIVES and sneaks up on DANIELS DANIELS to hit him with
a chain-covered fist.
Oh wow, that was it. This is what I, or rather you, get when I do it LIVE STREAMING
BROADBRAIN instead of watching it on the Youtubes where I can stare straight ahead at it. Because where I'm sitting
now, I need to either turn my head or my body to look at the TV screen.
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She
has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not
apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
TNA IMPACT
I start this Septuple R (Recap Rant Review Report Really Rocking Rectums) about five
hours before the event starts. Like I said, EVERY TNA iMPACT! IS WRESTLEMANIA (IX) FOR ME!
I just wanted to say that while I was showering (in the NUDE, no less) I had a string
of thoughts on what to write here. And I remembered an ugly-as-hell picture from Wikipedia of a person's eyes that reminded
me of Vince Russo's eyes. Then I remembered how Russo was on Beyond the Mat, but was never onscreen in the WWF, but onscreen
a lot in WCW, and that shoot interview where he mocked Lucha Libre and Japanese wrestling, and pronounced it "Loo-chuh Lee-bray",
and remembered how Jim Cornette said he'd never work with Russo again, then ended up working with Russo again now with TNA,
then remembering how good TNA was in 2005 when Russo was gone, and how it turned to shit in 2007 when he returned.
Then I thought about how no one other than main eventers are even given any permanent
storylines, since remember Shane Sewell? Of course you don't. The only non-Main event Mafia storyline I remember is the Tag
Team tournament with Team Dudley Boys. Then I realized that the WWE and TNA alike are releasing DVD compilations of "BEST
OF THEIR TAG TEAMS"
And what better way for the WWE to celebrate this DVD release than to break up their
best tag team---the very one HOSTING THE GODDAMN DVD RELEASE---and completely eliminate an entire championship for the tag
team roster to compete for?
Then I realized, "Well hey? Can anyone even fucking name any tag team other than
Charlie and Cousin (or First, depending on your Spanish to English translator) Rectum, and LEGACY OF FAILURE? I seriously
doubt there are any.
Then my thoughts turned to my Septuple R's. And I thought; how many people read this?
How many people on forums and such will be quoting my spectacular legacy and such?
And then I thought back on my past. I thought of how I started in TWF, sleazily asking
for a guest job, before disappearing for a month or two and returning full-time. Remembering that time I got shitkicked by
Elephant Merrick and Anvil Swagbag Neidhart (figuratively) for being a jackass, and I lashed out Samoa Joe style with a fa(s)t-ass
ANGRY TIME rant that gained me a slight sliver of respect, and how I got loads more for my "work" sabotaging Ben(j)i Duncan's
Michigan forum that included an entire sticky thread devoted to bowel movements (or "shitting")
And I thought about the time before it, remembering how I was a regular at the HeavenGames
forum for Rome Total War (a video game). I remember all my so-called friends there... well, not really, but I remember MisplacedGeneral...
D Furius Venator (who was a total queer)... Gaius Colinius (called Rex because he was not only a tyrant but an idiot who didn't
understand just what a racist term really is)... that middle-aged African guy who once told us the story of how his girlfriend
was almost raped at a jungle bar and he had to fight them off with a knife...
And I say fondly to them, if ever they read... I HAVE LEFT YOU UPTIGHT FUCKERS IN
THE DUST!~
Fame is mine, and no one will remember them except as the chucklefucks I make them
out to be.
I even have a rapsheet at the HeavenGames forums here. And oh look, my picture is
still up on the forumer page!
Here's my rapsheet
Supposed "racism" here. Colinius Rex somehow believed "Chonga" to be a racial slur. ASK CATHERINE WHAT THAT
MEANS. Fuck that fucking fucker, too. Then he bans me for editing his post. What a jerkass. He pretty much vandalized my post
by making it seem like I'd said real racism terms. They don't need to know I'm racist! Because I was already banned previously
for racism for a week.
I also like to say I was banned permanently for racism, but really I just got a warning
from it. In a forum that covers pretty much ancient Rome/Greece and Medieval times, times flourishing with racism, intolerance,
hatred, killing, murder, blood, sex, cursing, etcetera, I get almost BANNED for quoting a "historical" quote of Cleitus the
Black saying to Alexander the Great, on the subject of him encouraging his soldiers to marry Persian and Indian women, a notably
open-minded thing to do that his more conservative father would not have done: "You think we'd be forced now to mate with
brown apes?!"
And yeah, obviously that's not a REAL historical quote, but one from the Oliver Stone
movie you all claim suck yet I consider one of my favorites ever.
Oh, and another thing; no one got any of my references from last week.
"Fighting on the turnbuckle, Sabin hitting Christopher in the side, crotches Christopher,
Chris punches him into the Tree of Woe. Subotai will not save him now. Fifty bucks to whoever gets that reference."
Conan the Barbarian. Conan is captured by Thulsa Doom and tortured by being hung
on the "tree of woe" for several hours before his friend Subotai finds him and frees him.
"CROSS THE LINE CAM showing Jeff Jarrett playing with a little girl. Pedobear approves.
They go jetskiing with her in his lap. Oooh baby. It's awwwwright! Fifty bucks if anyone gets the reference."
I don't think it's safe to explain that here. Yes, EVEN FOR THIS SITE. Just let this
picture explain why I can't explain it:
"Back to modern times (starring Charlie Chaplain) with Mr Ass James coming down to
the ring. He chose "Vampire Diva" for his ring entrance in Create an Entrance. Fifty bucks blah blah."
He hung upside down on the ropes, like Ariel from the WWEECW, and that option is
still available in SvR08 and 09 in Create an Entrance under "Vampire Diva"
Just like TNA iMPACT! I spend forever getting to the actual Septuple R!
I'll be back in four and a half hours or so.
WHOA HELL I'M 16 HOURS LATE FOR iMPACT!
IE Browser opens, Youtube is engaged. A video titled "lalalala" with a picture of
a woman in a tanktop midriff and tight jeans is recommended for me.
Before we start, QUOTE OF THE WEEK! qwejijq (1 hour ago) : i pray to god this isint just a shurad to get jared they title
back
Oh yes. I went there.
The show opens with JEFF JARRETT coming out. This is some CUTTING EDGE reporting,
isn't it?
Jarrett claims there's not a lot to say, and contrary to my fantasies, he does not
immediately drop the microphone and leave. Instead, he says a lot of things. IRONY!!
Jarrett is reacting to something. I missed it to make a stupid joke. TNA management
made a foursome for the championship match, and for some reason Mick Foley is "obviously" in. Why? Because he's the champion?
Since when does that stop other people from competing in stuff they don't belong in? Since always? Never!
People start chanting Jarrett as he implies he is going in. Then he confirms it.
If they really wanted to rub it into smarks faces, he should "MY SACRIFICE!" all of TNA. That guarantees he'll win the title.
Jarrett says Foley isn't fit to be heavyweight champion. Piddly joke about him being a heavyweight anyway, AND a champion
(of my non-wet dreams).
Mick Foley comes out with a shirt with his own face on it. Haha, it's like he has
two heads. Foley---hey wait, what? I missed something; he said last week he insinuated with Michael Tenay and Donald West
that Jarrett faked his hamstring injury. I find it impossible to believe I missed this, so I'm going to attribute this to
TNA shenanigans of non-continuity.
Foley asks what Jarrett is going to MY SACRIFICE! He says he's all in with his championship
belt, Stink is all in with his career, and Kirt Angle is all in with his Godfather Blu-Ray and DVD collection. Jarrett steals
my idea by putting his entire TNA company on the line in the form of "voting shares". Sting and Kurt ain't winning this.
Angry Foley then puts people in matches. Sting vs Eric Young, Kurt Angle vs Matt
Morgan, Jeff Jarrett vs Samoa Joe AND his Nation of Violence. And Mick Foley will be facing a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!
I know who it is and you don't. Needless to say, the main event is the best main event in iMPACT! history.
Backstage now with Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner yelling incoherently at each other.
Apparently looking for Sting.
Recap of Suicide is Painless and American Daniels Christopher Daniels. NOW BACKSTAGE
WITH SUICIDE AND DANIELS DANIELS STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER! I can see the little line in the middle of the screen where
they spliced the two bits of footage together. See, because they're the same person! Why else would people chant FALLEN ANGEL
at Suicide?!
Lauren asks Suicide who he is. He says he is Suicide. What are you, fucking stupid?
Fucking blonde. I hope Daffney rapes her with a gothic dildo. Come on... you ask Suicide who he is? He's suicide. That's who
he is.
MATCH UP NEXT~!
Truth or Consequences Victor Creed vs Motor City Guns
w/ tiny-ass Japanese belts vs TEH DAN and Situation Stu
Turns out Suicide owes TEH DAN a self-inflicted shot at the X Division championship
for saving him that one time.
Don West breaks TNA meld by making sense---DANIELS suicide rapells into the ring,
whereas SUICIDE suicide just randomly appears on the ground. CONSPIRACY!
Match starts with Jay Lethal and TEH DANIELS, choppity on the turnbuckling, then
Daniel Daniel starts shoving his boot on Lethal. they do stuff, then irish whip, flippy-dippy-fun-dip, arm drag. That LOOKED
funsauce, but pretty much nothing happened.
Robot Shelley tags in and starts running around with CHRISTOPHER DANIELS and such.
Dorps him onto the ring ropes. They attack. Daniels is DOWN. Snapmare, springboard elbow, then springboard splashy from the
motor guns on DANIELS DANIELS including tag in to Sabin.
Wow, I just zoned out for a moment and missed a bunch of the match. Sabin tried to
pin DANIELS DANIELS but it got broked up by the black guy who then DDTs him. Suicide gonna tag Daniels Daniels. Good god,
I'm tired. LOL BOTCH! Suicide tried some kind of spinny jumping kick on SHelley, barely touched him, if at all, Shelley awkwardly
stumbles onto his back.
Lethal and Victor attack Suicide in the corner, then Sabin leaps off top rope for
a DDT on Creed, then attacks Suicide, frog splash by Shelley on him, DANIELS DANIELS saves. Faceplant by letahl on someone.
Clothesline by DANEI on Lethal out of the ring, then an Arabian moonsault onto him from the outside. TO THE OUTSIDE I mean.
Replay four or five times. SHELLEY AND SUICIDE!
I need to take a rest, yo. I feel like I'm writing too much sometimes. Oh hey, Suicide
just pinned Robot Shelley for the lose on Shelley.
Winnar: Both Christopher Daniels'
Thoughts: I think TNA is making me sick. I feel nauseous.
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHITTYPOO WITH Kurt and Scott screaming incoherently. They're
looking for Sting. Kurt goes up into the rafters. That's it. That was nice and pointless, only without the nice part.
STING VIDEO PACKAGE! You know, I agree; one 5-7 minute wrestling match every half
hour. Pace yourselves, I'm still awake thus far.
MOOOOOOORE BACKSTAGE PROMO BULLSHIT! Booker T and Kevin Nash training, which consists
really of them just wrestling in the empty arena in gym clothes. Booker T says stuff in black-people talk. Kevin Nash says
stuff in white-people talk. It's all barely comprehensible to me.
TEAM DUDLEY BOYS come out with their TNA belts and their tiny Japanese belts. Recap
of the time Sheik Abdul Jabbar and Random Guy walked by Team 3D's fallen bodies after they got flash-cut beated up by the
British in less than 14 seconds.
Microphone talk for Buh Buh Ray Dudley! Talk about giving to the tag team division
or something. Want to leave behind a legacy of great tag team wrestling. HERE COMES MYOPIA! Out of 20 years, the BIGGEST SHIT
THREAT THEY EVER FACE NOW is... fucking British Mangus and That Other Guy.
How funny---the Youtube user removed all their videos just while I was watching it.
Have to switch to the non-HQ versions uploaded by someone else.
Brutus Mangus leads the British out, then talks British to him. I dunno it's kind
of hard to tell. He's just looking British and all. And he was supposed to be a Roman?! He gets beaten on before he can say
some shit about royalty.
Fucking Brits. I fucking hate British people. And fuck your queen, too, you primitive
little bitches. Ain't got no democracy, you all bend over and take it in the ass from your queen.
Rob Terry with a somehow remarkable "show of strength" by carrying D-Von on his shoulder.
The very same "show of strength" done by almost everyone ever. All he did was a powerslam, too. The Roman turncoat says "Rule
Britannia" or something. See my above rant.
Oh hey it's James Swift and Rick Rude to chase away Britannia. FACE TURN?! RESPECKT?!
SHAKE HANDS WITH DUDLEY BOYS?! STUFF BEING SCREAMED?! I THINK SO!
Roody gets on the --- oh hey, what? They randomly show Sheik Abdul Jabbar and some
japanese guy peeking out from the entrance ramp. What in the fuck was that for? Now they're randomly following the Britons
out. Brutus Mangus does his retard head-wiggle thing. I win 50 bucks from betting with myself.
BACKSTAGE with jarrett yelling at Eric Young, apparently calling Canada shit by claiming
he found Young wrestling in Ontario, in CANADA! Yeah, fuck Canada, too. You assholes outlaw cartoon child pornography. How
else will pedophiles get off without touching real children!? THINK YOU NOTHING OF THE PLIGHT OF PEDERASSES?!
Kurt Angle apparently found Stink. I HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER TO KURT ANGLE'S INSANITY
AND STUPIDITY: he TiVO's TNA episodes and watches them 3 or 4 times each. Sting squeals at Kurt over being screwed. I think
they hate Mick Foley, but how would I ever know? What did he ever do except beat off Jeff Jarrett and such? Oh screwy you
say? This promo is indeed as long as this rambling paragraph.
Eric young is coming out. I ask now, what now? He's like not doing fucking shit,
just jobbing out to ex-WCW/WWE guys, without a story. He gonna be fired.
Sting vs TEH ERIC!
Sting wins.
Winnar: Sting
Thoughts: I'll tell you when the match actually begins.
Okay, they lock up, then break up, then lock up, then turnbuckle, then break up.
Tooooytoytoytoytoytoy! Back to turnbuckle, punchy on sting, punchy on Eric, whippywreck, STINGAR splash misses, ERICSPLASH
misses as well, but he gets kicked by Sting, irrish whipped, pulls one of those HBK turnbuckle flippies, only saves himself,
gets on turnbuckle, gets reversed, and tossed out of the ring.
Sting pins for three, plus or minus one or so. Whip Eric, he does another flippy-fall
out of the ring. Hot women touch TEH ERIC outside the ring. He goes back in, catches Sting with the Atom-IC ....... NNNnnnn
drrrOP!
Pin by someone called Ewy on Sting. Eric Young pinned him, though. Gets on top. Ewy
took some advice from Jarrett. IRRELEVANT TO THIS MATCH? SELF-ASKED RHETORICAL QUESTIONS DONE IN CAPS?!
Oh hey, match over. Eric Young caught Sting in a SCROPIO Death lock for the ween.
And if you believe that, you'll believe me when I say if my ear were a vagina, I could have sex with myself.
BACKSTAGE WITH TOOL, talking about HIRINGS AND FIRINGS! TNA Mobile shill, then camera
shift to Mick Foley! He shall fight with a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION WHO NEVER STEPPED FOOT IN A TNA RING!
Tool McToolington pulls the same fucking shit as last week by trying to get Foley
to tell him who it is directly. FUCK YOU TOOL! OH MY FUCKING GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU! I won't spoil it for you because it is
just too fucking epic and awesome, you'd seriously fucking mark the Terry fucklty-Funk out.
PROMO FOR AWESOME CONG~ Narrator biased against Angel Love.
CONTRACT SIGNING! MORE SCREAMING CAPS! JIM CORNETTE IS SCREAMING ANYWAY! AWESOME
CONG CHALLENGING ANGELIVNA LOVE.
Angelina Love apparently came with the entire United States 7th Cavalry Corps. SHE
GETS AROUND HAWHAWHAW! Oh wait, you mean it was just a shitty expression for her coming out with less than five security guards?
Mike Tenay mentions that Awesome Cong has been infatuated with an 8x10 photo of Love.
Sexy jungle love with a picture.
Jimm Cornette warns taht this isn't a match, but a contract signing, so no violence.
Fifty bucks says Angelina Love does not get attacked by Kong.
Apparently the match is going to be Angelina Love vs Cheerleader Melissa, because
Cong is illiterate or something? She didn't sign; Raeesha Saudi signed it. What in the fuck did she sign? HER name? Kong's
name? Would drawing a pair of tits on the paper not work out for Kong, since she loves staring at pictures of big breasted
women and all?
Angelina Love gets on the microphone, tries to get Cong all sweet and not hurty on
her on Sunday. Then offers her a MAKEOVAR! They will yank out the things growing out of her melon. And wash off the Doink
makeup she's wearing. And change her wardrobe that she always wears all the time always seemingly. Then she'll go to a FAT
FARM! Notice how everything she says in insulting to deliberately rile her up and rile the crowd up. We call that "heeling
it up". By we, I mean me. I don't care what you call it.
They shake hands, but CONG WON'T LET GO! ANARCHY RULZ! Okay, I lost fifty bucks;
she tried to choke Love, but Love escaped, so... I win fifty bucks again. Cong killshits ROODY on the table, then sticks her
tongue out at Angelina as she backs up the ramp. I can only assume she's gonna use that big wide pink thing to lather up Love's
crevices. You know it's good.
Since I don't get commercials, I instead get a MIIIIINDFUUUUUCK and have the exact
same thing replay itself in the form of a "MOMENTS AGO!" By the way, she offered Kong to join My Pie Sexy. So clearly she
wants to be eaten out by Kong. OOOOOH Overt sexual innuendo!
EARLIER THIS WEEK! Lauren with Chris Abyss in an office, looking for DOCTOR STEVIEEEE!
He has an official-y office? Hanging otu with Raven long enough makes you a qualified psychocologist. Raven -IS- in MENSA,
I suppose. The front desk lady said something, and they left. Or went to keep searching?
KURT ANGLE PROMO!
Then we get the exact same rundown thing for MY SACRIFIIIICE that we got earlier
today.
Lauren with AJ Styles and the exact same promo as from last week. He will never say
"Ah Queeit". He gives a heartwrenching story of being out on the road making fifty bucks while his wife was at home. SHE NEVER
SAID AH QUEEIT! AH NEVER SAYED AH QUEEIT! AH PAID MAH DEWZ! Lauren is disgusted by him. OH MY GOD CAMERA GUY TAKE OFF YOUR
FUCKING ROLLER SKATES, I'M GETTING DIZZY!
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Lauren with THE BLUEPRINT OF EJACULATING IN A CONTAINER
AND HAVING THAT SEMEN SENT INTO SPACE AS PROMOTION FOR A SHITTY VIDEO GAME MATT MORGAN. He wants to be in the Main Event Mafia,
the Greatest Collection of World Champions Ever despite never being a "main eventer", a "greatest" anything (I'm pretty sure
Snitsky failed greater than him), he's not a "collection", and he sure as hell ain't a "champion" of any kind, nor is he an
"ever".
MATCH TIME~ Matt Morgan with his DNA-stained robe comes out first to be squashed
by Kurtle, presumably. Someone has a sign saying Morgan is the "DNA OF TNA". That's kind of funny---his sperm is all over
the locker room and under the ring.
TNA's Semen Matt Morgan vs Kurt Angle w/ Rose
Match starts and such. Don West knows what The Godfather on Blu-Ray and DVD means
to Kurt Angle. Lock-up, side headlock by Morgan, gets whipped, shoulder blocks Angle, smishy's Angle on the turnbuckle, then
does a shitty little inner-thigh-to-the-back of Angle and he goes out of the ring and Angle rolls out too.
Side headlock into a punch. THAT IS A DIRTY MOVE IN SvR09! Commercials.
Back and they are in the ring and Angle is dominating Morgan. Whaaaaat? Morgan hits
a back breaker, and goes for a three count pin, but it only gets counted twice. Morgan does a submission move, but it gets
overshadowed by POWER MOVE replay. EVEN IN TNA, SUBMISSION WRESTLING IS DISRESPECTED
Back and it's a headlock/chinlock thing apparently. Angle powers out, punches. Gets
kicked by Morgan. Morgan gets a German, then two, then three.
Failed Angle Slam on Morgan, and he boots Angle with his carbon footkick. Well West
at least admits this has been a squash of Kurt Angle. But now ankle lock on Morgan! Eventually he kicks out of it. Catches
Kurt Angle for a GENERIC FALLAWAY SLAM! Blueprint! Goes for a Hello Vader, some kind of move. Small packaged reversal into
the win.
Wow, that was incredibly awful---Angle gets shitkicked the entire match, then wins
with a fucking SMALL PACKAGE! I have to admit, that is a nifty and crafty way to bury Matt Morgan.
Winnar: Kurt Angle
Thoughts: Aww how sweet they shake hands after match, hug and kiss and make up.
BACKSTAGE WITH LAUREN AND JEFF JARETT. He's up next and he's not even dressed. Restating
pretty much exactly teh same stuff. Lauren calls the Sacrifice match a SUPREME SACRIFICE MATCH. I don't use capslocks---I
just hold the Shift key the entire time.
Lauren again with Jenna. She's gotten as dark as Sharmell practically. She's dressed
like a plumber, then claims she has money. Then threatens Sharmell in the most generic way possible.
Joe comes out with a video that looks very much like Tazz's old WWF video, wearing
a Taz towel on his head. Taz. Taz. Peter Senerchia. TAZ.
The en-tire NATION OF VIOLENCE vs Jeff Jarrett
Samoan Joseph attacks Jarrett on the ramp, they fight. Start fighting in the audience.
Referee follows them out for some reason despite this not being an out-of-the-ringy match. Generic brawling through the crowd.
One of my back teeth really hurts because it's been broken and filled, and now part of the broken side facing my tongue has
literally grown like a fang-like size and it almost always digs into my tongue, and when my tongue is sore, I can always feel
it scratching. I like this new Don West. he claims he must have torn his hamstring just coming out to the announcer's table,
then mistakes a cramp for his hamstring. Making fun of Jeff Jarrett, haw haw. They've fought now to ringside, Samoa Joe throws
referee away and BOOTS Jarrett. Attacks Ref and throws him into metal thing. HAHAHAHA his name is Slick Johnson. Earl Hebner
appears to soften up many slick johnson's and call disqualification belt while Joe murdalizes Jarrett, and A Joey Styles appears
to save Jarrett. Winnar: Jeff Jarrett
Thoughts: Best part of this match was the mention of Slick Johnson's name. And Don
West heelin' it up.
After match fighting with AJ and Samoan Joey.
I got pains all over, in my mouth because of my tooth and tongue like I mentioned,
plus I keep tonguing my tooth and hurting it, and now my neck and shoulders hurt. I'mma go swallow down pills.
My pills are down, and my pants are off. Let's do it to it! DEEEWW IT TEEWW IT!
MAIN EVENT!
Mick Foley comes out with a chair. Time to see him face Terry Funk what? I mean no.
He will be facing a MYSTERY FUNK MAN!
It's a great night for Foley, he says, and now tonight in a non-title match, he will
be facing... drumrolls nowhere... household name... known throughout the world... from the city of brotherly love......
... Former heavyweight champion!
...
ROCKY BALBOA!!!!!!!!
YES ROCKY BALBOA!!! OUT HE COMES, looking just like he did in "Rocky"! Wow he's in
GREAT SHAPE! Don West is marking out hard and such! Don West's commentary sells this momentous moment so hard! And Mike TNA
says "Don... shut the hell up. It's a cardboard cut-out of Rocky that Mick Foley is bringing to the ring[...]"
Mick Foley vs Rocky Balboa
Rocky chants start. Don West remarks how Rocky's expression doesn't even change.
WAIT, who's that fat guy behind Rocky pushing on Rocky's skinny arm to hit Foley? Ooooh it's cheating! I'm so hurt---Rocky's
bringing the sleazy sleazy fixed nature of boxing into the honorable sport entertainment of wrestling!
Mick Foley does his Hulk Up, which I'll call "DUDES UP" or "CACTUS' UP" or "JACKS
UP" And gives a THUNDEROUS suplex on Rocky!
What's this? Oh? Oh? PILEDRIVER! VINTAGE FOLEY!
He's gonna-- run! Runs from ropes to ropes! Again and again. OOOOH!!! He tripped
over Rocky's arm and ripped the cardboard! West's words: "I heard somethin' snap; it might be his hamstring". West is awesome
now.
Mick Foley with the ONE! TWO! THREE!
Winnar; Mick Foley
Thoughts: Unbelievable! Mick Foley beat Rocky Balboa! And not just the Rocky from
"Rocky Balboa" but Rocky from his prime!
I think Foley's now quoting "Rocky", and thanks the fans, says except for his kids
being born, this is the greatest night in the history of his life, and YO COLLETTE! I DID IT!
Uh oh, Jarrett is not amused! He comes out all angry-pants and shirtless, and angers
it up at Jarrey. Jarrett makes me laugh hysterically by claiming Mick Foley is making a mockery of Jarrett's promotion. Mick
Foley. Of all people. Mick Foley.
Angle randomly appears to ANGLE SLAM Jarrett and Ankle lock his hamstring leg! Stink
appears, and Angle is scurred! Stink wants peace, but Foley attacks Stink with a chair. Jarrett Inverted Russian Leg Sweeps
Angle, then gets hit by Foley with a chair. ANOTHER ASSWHUPPIN FOR JEFF JARRETT!
The Stuff that was Fun and Stuff: Best main event ever. Not too many matches, so
I got PLENTY OF ENTERTAINMENT!
The Stuff that made me have to take Advil: The first match was flippy-dippy-trippy,
but ultimately kind of pointless and not a lot of "believable" wrestling. Every other match was trash. EXCEPT THE MAIN EVENT!
The Stuff I reflect upon philosophically: Boy, I used an awful lot of capitalizations
here. Does anyone want to offer me something so that I stop using them so much? ANYONE?! ANYONE?! MONEY?! DRUGS?! SMACK!??
So hey, if you did NOT enjoy my column, then do NOT visit the columns of my thoroughbred
rival James Storm and his shitty little Japanese column THE ROCK(TAGON)!. Also visit Michael McNeil McGilligan and his terrible terrible ECW "I touch myself while I recap because I'm a tool and my Predecessor Got a new Snizzier
Gig for Disappearing for a year while I stayed and am stuck in this Shithole" RECAPS!
Also see the total convalescence of the twin dragons of incompetence and incontinence
in the form of the ever-present irrelevancy of Antonius Dean's PPV rant Also see Jim Raynor return again to flood the world with his Letters from his Mom's Basement. I wonder how he got a job here---he seems to be just the sort of tool this site is
meant to make fun of. Satire? What's that? Also, he added me on his Myfaces. Maybe he loves me!
See my Myfaces here http://www.myspace.com/andarielhalo 
.....
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She
has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not
apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
TNA IMPACT
Hey! RAW THOUGHTS! I had some a while ago, but I forgot them. I also
say, Fuck you Cameron Inferno. The Brian Kendrick is not gay, he is the best awesome most greatest midcard thing in
the WWE today. Him and John Morrison in a sex tape together would make my day.
So I've been receiving a lot of complaints about my style of play-by-play for matches.
In truth, I haven't received any comments on it, except from my Id, claiming it's like a barrel of crack addicts trying to escape all at once. Or like two bitches
in a bitch boat.
Boy that was rather hard finding the Youtubes videos for it, because I didn't watch the
first hour last night. Worry not, gentle jerkwads, I am not being killed by TNA. I am only getting stronger---my
sense of humor is such that ...
SHOWOPENING and Mick Foley comes out. Funny story! Well, not funny.
I'll tell you during the "commercial" break.
Foley putting his title on the line against Kurt Angle, putting his Godfather Blu-Ray
and DVD collection on the line MY SACRIFIIIICE. Though I'm sure he'd be okay with losing The Godfather III. HUHOOO!!
You see, because that one sucked! I wouldn't know, I never saw any of them.
This dumb fucklehead apparently forgot that whole part where IT IS 2009 and this is Jeff
Jarrett's FIRST DVD release, whereas AJ STYLES got TWO - TWO- TWO RELEASES, EACH TWO DISCS, and Samoa Joe got one, Christopher
Daniels got one, Abyss got one, the entire X Division got THREE, the tag team division got one AND another one coming, the
Knockouts got TWO, Raven got one, Kurt Angle got one, Christian Cage got one, JEFF HARDY got one, Practically EVERY motherfucker
chucklefuck who has been in TNA for more than a year or two has gotten or has been featured prominently in DVD releases, and
just because this guy is the owner/founder of TNA and puts himself in the main event spotlight in the beginning, he gets Triple
H'd and Cena'd by fucking up-their-own-ass smarks who think they know what's good for wrestling and don't think the FOUNDER
OF AN ENTIRE WRESTLING COMPANY, WHICH FOR INSANITY OR GOOD WRESTLING, IS STILL A MAJOR PLAYER IN THE PRO WRESTLING TV SCENE,
deserves ONE fucking DVD set chronicling his LONG career.
What exactly HAS the world been talking about with his DVD thing that apparently he has
not shown anyone? Does anyone in TNA ever think about things like this?
Winnar: Foley
Backstage with Tool Borash and the MEMMRS
WEBOGRAPHY! Robot Shelley again? What in the fuck? It's like the exact
same one from two weeks ago where he said he wanted to be a robot.
My Dream Thoughts: So I had a dream involving MICK FOLEY! It was like some alternate
version of the history of the WWF, and featured big burly WWF'ers in frilly costumes wandering around libraries and book stores
while people laughed at them even as they wrestled one another. Then Mick Foley and Terry Funk and others showed up
all ATTITUDE-y and people laughed at them, but then they started being all HARDCORE and people stopped laughing!
Foley wants Tool to show him "the eyes" which I assume is that bug-eyed tool expression
Toolington makes when he's being a tool.
Foley gets angry and puts Eric Young in a match against the ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE!
I can say honestly at least I'm glad Jay Lethal's gimmick is sincere in that he's idolizing
Macho Man, and doesn't have like a head injury that causes him to think he's the Macho Man. That sounds like a TNA-type
concoction.
Motor City Machine Guns come out. This is half-way through part 2 of 9 in the Youtubes
set for this week's episode, and this is the first wrestling match. Approximately 15 minutes of no wrestling, and TWO
backstage bullshits. HAPPY TIMES!
DANIELS DANIELS comes out
Chris Sabin vs Christopher
Starts with Sabin and Christopher, doing some stuff.... nnn... I CAN'T HOLD BACK!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT QUICK HEADLOCK TRANSITION INTO AN irish whip by Daniels Daniels and Sabin HULKS UP and goes for something
but Daniels armdrags, but reversed into a Codebreaker by Sabin on Daniels which Daniels BACKFLIPS in response to and then
backbreakers Sabin before hitting him into the turnbuckle!
Don West finally explains the true motivation behind DANIELS DANIELS being Suicide---COLLECTING
TWO PAYCHECKS! No more pizza and japanese wrestling T-shirts for him!
Winnar: Dan
PROMO FOR JEFF JARRETT!
Kurt Angle promo. Exactly the same as Jarrett's in format.
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Scott Steiner talking to Kevin's living Fleshlight, Jenna.
He says he's the lion, and curses something. Sharmell supposedly apologized about fighting with Jenna.
MICK FOLEY PROMO! Exactly the same format as the last two. Considering that
these have all had wrestling scenes in it, I don't think it's fair to say "TOTOAL NONSTORP WRESTLING ACTION" in a sleazily
sarcastic way implying it has nothing of the sort.
The Amazoring Red and Daniels take on the entire nation of Britain! at Sacrifice.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN NASHVILLE BETWEEN JEFF JARRETT AND MICK FOLEY?!@ The graphic
literally has THREE question marks after "Nashville". THREE! That implies big-time serious-itude.
BACKSTAGE with Angelina Luv and Lauren. She bitches at Lauren, saying she's not
begging for help against Amazing Red. Kong. Amazing Red Kong. She was on the phone with Bad Ass Billy Gunn.
Or Cute Monty Sopp. Kip James. Mister Ass. He's gonna fight Awesome Kong. NOOO SPIKE TV SAYS NO MALE
ON FEMALE VIOLENCE! Expect Kong to lose, because men can't beat up women. See what I did there?
TNA webography again with Angelina Love. She'd be a gym person if she wasn't a wrestler,
cursing out and making fun of people. She loves "whore" movies. OH MY GOD I LOVE HER. She loves "The Devil's
Rejects" by Rob Zombie. I do too. I LOVE YOU! Okay, not really, but still! She loves rock. She
likes Atreyu, Avenged Sevenfold, Linkin Park, some other shit I didn't hear. She looks remotely human in this.
What the hell do they put on her in the ring to make her look like she's cracking apart?
CROSS THE LINE CAM showing Jeff Jarrett playing with a little girl. Pedobear approves.
They go jetskiing with her in his lap. Oooh baby. It's awwwwright! Fifty bucks if anyone gets the reference.
HOLY SHIT! Actual quote from Jarrett: "You got wet, didn't you?" Hooray for double entendre!
Eric Young comes out, then Samoa Joe. Mike Tenay pretty much gives away Taz's entry
into TNA, talking about Joe having the towel on his head and mentioning a "secret advisor". CLearly I'm not paying close
enough attention because I NEVER heard of this occurring at any time.
Winnar: Taz's student
Joe picks up Young over his shoulder to carry him out, presumably to make love to him
and marry him. But they live in Florida!
Commercials. I go to get a drink and pause the Youtube video.
INTERVIEW WITH STING AND TENAY! Insanely ominous music plays almost as loud as Tenay.
Stink is surprised by his own decision. UH OH! Fake Sting has returned from WCW and Steve Borden is unawares!
Sting wonders if all the violence with Foley at the last PPV was worth it for the championship,
even though he lost. He claims he went to his hotel room, dazed and confused, lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling.
He leaves out the part where he cried and phoned up his mom whining and sobbing about losing. PROVE ME WRONG!
As the dead wolverine would say.
Slammiversary promo features footage of Sting.
Lauren and Taylor Wilde on a secret surprise date waiting for her secret admirer!
THIS IS EXTREEEEEEME! Wilde orders a white wine, Lauren a vodka tonic. I figured it out---LAUREN IS HER SECRET
ADMIRER! Chris Abyss: "I'll take 'em both, I'm hardcore!"
Don West: Yawn
Jarrett driving children in his van. His really LOVES children. There's all
children in the car, what the fuck, where's the mommy--oooohhhhhh....
Back to modern times (starring Charlie Chaplain) with Mr Ass James coming down to the
ring. He chose "Vampire Diva" for his ring entrance in Create an Entrance. Fifty bucks blah blah.
Awesome Kong vs Bad Ass Billy Gunn
Chair on James' head, splashed by Kong, then she does it again. It's a Stretcher
match, too.
Winnar: Kong
For some reason, there was a "moments ago" Team Dudley talking about tag team wrestling.
They get randomly attacked by a Roman and two Britons. One of them throws a briefcase at Buh Buh, who catches it, t
hen gets attacked. Jump-cut to mid-beat up. Oh wow, they're actually cutting up this thing like an XPW match?
Cut again and the British are leaving, like less than ten seconds after killing Team 3D. Sheik Abdul Jabbar and some
random person just walk through for absolutely no reason. What.
MORE CROSS THE LINE CAM! Don West: There's another one?
WHOA JARRETT RUNS INTO BORAST! He's in a nude karaoke bar. He begs Jarrett
to pay his bill. He's both drinking and singing. NUKE KARAOKE!
Red comes in, then Suicide randomly appears on the announcers table, squatting down with
his butt in West's face. WEST is now ABSOLUTELY SURE it's Daniels. He can smell the curry from his ass.
The British Invasion vs Awesome Red and Suicide
Winnar: The ugly-ass Brit and the other Brit.
Thoughts: Post match shenanigans!
Sabin and Robot kill Red, then signal they will unmask Suicide. Mike Awesome better
run. Team Blackness arrives in the ring, too. Suicide acts like he's cornered despite having the ring ropes behind
him. He could literally turn, jump out, and just fucking leave.
Some asshole in the crowd is whistling ear-splittingly. DANIELS DANIELS and Suicider
pose in the ring. There are only two prime suspects: Al Snow and Mike Awesome. It has to be one of those two people,
and not Frankie Kazarian.
THE EXACT SAME JARRETT PROMO FROM EARLIER TONIGHT JUST RE-AIRS NOW!
WEBOGRAPHY with SABIN. He's been to Canada. Exact words: "yay." in a dull
monotone. His favorite game is Final Fantasy 6, and the name Sabin is from that. WAIT, YOU MEAN HIS REAL NAME
ISN'T CHRIS SABIN!?!?!? STOP SHOOTING!!
Main Event Mafia promo.
Backstage with Jenna Fleshlight and Queen Sharmell and Scott Steiner. Sharmell wants
the biotch to apologize. The fleshlight squeals in such a shrill voice I can't understand her. Steiner squeals
as well and calls for help. Segment starts and ends in around 25 seconds.
West calls all women crazy. The jap with the orange tights attacks first, then double
team poetry in motion on him, but with a dropkick. Then the red-tighted one gets a dropkick on Kevin Nash that was slow
in flight, and hard in impact. Some kind of attempt at a springboard toprope elbow thing on Nash is EASILY countered
into a chokeslam.
Winnar: Kevin Nash
Post-match, Nash gets on microphone, talks about world running on violence, then calls
out THE ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE for a match at Sacrifice. HOW WILL HE TAKE ON AN ENTIRE NATION IN A WRESTLING MATCH?
Good luck everyone who buys that pay per view for that match.
Back to Foley's office, where he's watching the DVD on his laptop, and talking to someone.
OH GOD, IT'S SOMEONE FAMOUS, ISN"T IT!? It's MISTER SOCKO! T-N-A! T-N-A! T-N-A! NEW WORLD CHAMPION
RIGHT THERE!
AJ Styles talking with Lauren. Main eventer who? He's been preparing for a
match with fucking Jethro Holiday his whole life? He's had many opportunities to say "Ah Quee-it". He says match
is about heart. Booker T's ego is as big as AJ's heart. Either Booker is quite humble and modest, or AJ better
see a doctor.
Jethro Tull vs Booker T. I quit.
Yeah. I quit.
I could be watching better shit than this right now. Like "The Greatest Superstars
of the 90s" on DVD I just got two days ago or so. Or "The Greatest Superstars of the 80s" I got a month before.
Or Cyberslam 96 or Cyberslam 98 ECW on DVD I got months earlier. Or "Edge: Decade of Decadence", or "The Life and Times
of Mr Perfect"
Okay back to match after my break.
Winnar: No one.
Mick Foley goes into the production truck to have them play the DVD of him beating up
Jarrett, then threatens to fire the two of them after complimenting them if they don't air it. That's very pleasant.
Mick Foley then comes out after a commercial thought and gets them to play the DVD.
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She
has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not
apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
TNA IMPACT
Well if you're staring at my review now, you'll notice the iMPACT Zone is empty.
Or at least the TV you'd see it through. That's because this portion here is being written TWELVE HOURS BEFORE IMPACT!
So expect a PLAY BY PLAY of the day's events counting down until iMPACT! Every episode of IMPACT is like Wrestlemania
to me! It's just too bad that every episode happens to be Wrestlemania IX~!
Is Lindsay Lohan flirting with Jared Leto!? BIG-ASS NEWS! And it just so happens
Jared Leto is my number one man-crush love whom I love so much and he's so sexy. And Lindsay Lohan can look presentable
with enough makeup and less heroine. So...
Kindle DX?! THE KINGS OF ROCK WHO?! THE KINGS OF ROCK WHAT!?
WIKIPEDIA news page now. The European Parliament has banned the import of seal products,
prompting the Canadian Government to be all like "Eh, eh? You're going to brook down our economy, eh?" Canadian racism
is so easy. They have a LEAF on their national flag. What in the shit is that? Virginia's state flag has
teh motto "Sic Semper Tyrannus", a democratic slogan meaning "Thus Always to Tyrants" and freedom and such, and Canada has
a fucking LEAF! America's entire flag has symbolic meaning! The stripes being 13 for the 13 colonies that started
it, the 50 stars, one for each state, red meaning our warrior power, white being our desire for peace, and blue being our
burden for justice!
The Soviet Union had fucking farmers tools on its flags that could double for weapons!
The sickle for the peasants, the hammer for the proletariat, linked together symbolizing unity between the peasants and proletariat,
with a red star representing communism.
4:31 pm, my knee hurts, my stomach hurts, my neck hurts. I'm feeling testy.
SHOW START! Big-ass promo showing stuff, including the time I missed where Mick
Foley HIT KURT ANGLE WITH A CHAAAAAAIR! Tonight's episode: Mafia Reloaded. Will wait till November when Mafia
Revolutions comes out.
Foley finally acknowledges DANIELS DANIELS, puts him over, puts over people like him,
like the guy I now learned is NOT "A Joey" Styles, but in fact a completely different Styles. Oh my goodness.
Double J will be here. Funeral will be here. MAY 24th is SACRIFICE! You know what I Sacrificed last May
24th? My virginity. For the whole of mankind. OH SNAPSZ, MICK FOLEY = GODFATHER OF MEM? IT COULD HAPPENNOT.
Jeff Jarrett comes out. Contrary to WWE-ness, it's only been 10 minutes, but still...
NO TOTOAL NONSTORP WRASSLING! Old joke. Expect it to be repeated every time no wrestling occurs. Jarret
hates Foley. Foley is all business, nevar personal. Jeff tells Foley to kiss his ass, as part of business, then
tries to leave, but Angle stops him, and remarks that rather than kiss oen another's rear ends, they should prepar for their
tag match.
Samoa Joe is his own nation? He got dorpped off by Potentially-Taz. Can Taz
even reach the gas pedal? HAHA midget joke.
What's with DANIELS DANIELS' trucker mustache? Combine that with his "unmistakeable"
ass, and he's not gonna have a fun time at Folsom prison.
LESS WRESTLING, MORE PROMOS! Recap of Motor Guns accuzationing DANIELS DANIELS of
being Suicide. Boy, you've lost weight, Mike Awesome! And a full five inches in height!
Good God, Creed's music has gotten worse.
Lethal Consequences Creed (Macho Man Black Savage and Truth or Consequences Creed) vs
Non title means this match sucks. Sure, it's technically sound, but why the fuck
should I care? Suicide fails to commit, and Creed aims for half of LAX, but fails.
WINNAR: Suizide
Video package for Mick Foley. Fun fact: I bought his two novels "Tietam Brown" and
"Scooter". What do you think of that? What do you think of that? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MOTHERFUCKER>!?!
In the back now with BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE in Foley's office. Foley asks what he
wants him to do about it. Obtain his DNA? Speaking of DNA TNA, he makes another acronym with ES - Executive Shareholder.
And not Eel Semen, as I originally thought. Aw man, now he says ES again, and I imagine Mick Foley squeezing the spunk
from a Moray Eel. JB be's a bitch on Foley, apparently trying to sell Morgan being a 7 foot monster joining the Mem.
FUCK OFF JB, YOU SHOE-POLISH SMELLIN MOTHERFUCKER!
Commercialsz again.
Commercial Thoughts: By "cold activated can", I expect it to mean the can won't open until
it's cold. That sounds great.
Back with the Beautiful People. They tell Lauren to shut up, and are apparently
worked up over something. Madison is not with them today? Oh my.. Oh my I'm so sorry. Sexy Sexy Slave Girl
has passed away. She will be missed. Who was she? I agree with the ugly one; there is no difference between
Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong.
WRESTL--- NOPE! Backstage interview with Mike Tenay and Kurt Angle. They say
it's the Mem, and they're all there, but KIRK ANGEL IS THAR BESIDE HIM! Angle wants the mem to hold every title at the
same time. Frontline? What the hell is that? Biggest in-faction feud is Jenna vs Sharmell. Are they
serious? Oyyy..god....
Taylor Wilde being useless speaking to Lauren, I think. Taylor Wilde has a secret
admirirerrrrrrrrr! She wants Lauren to come with her on Tuesday to meet her admirer. This is TRULY the greatest
episode of TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING ever.
Commercials.
Random Me Thoughts: Believe it or not, girls CAN use a urinal. I only know because
I piss in my bathroom sink on a regular basis. It's not that I'm lazy; it's that I just don't care.
This TNA iPhone game immediately looks to be insanely better than the the Midway game,
because you can make your own storylines.
JB in the back with Jeff Jarrett, talking about TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING business.
He will deal with Foley on his own time, and he has a match now. ORLY? ORLY?!
Mick Foley likes to tweak things. Like nipples. I bet he likes to tweak those.
Matt Morgan comes out with a robe decorated with DNA. Unfortunately, it's just pictures
of DNA strands, and not crusty white DNA patches.
WINNAR: MATT MORGAN
MICK FOLEY NEEDS MORE TWEAKING! JB will Twitter his tweak. Tweet the twitter
of his tweak. Foley tell shim to shut his mouth. FOLEY DOES NOT WANT MORE SHENANIGANS AND BANS JEFF JARRETT.....'S
GUITAR. Referees will have to escort the guitar out from ringside area whent his match starts.
Back. Thoughts with Ee Why and Jethro Tull. They beat
someone in the TAG TEAM INVITATIONAL TOWEL HEAD. After Eric Young says shit with his flawed logic, it's JETHRO'S TIME
TO SHINE! He gives Lauren the swine flu. KILLER PROMO! LITERALLY!
Team the Dudley Boys come out for some reason. Then Bear Money. James Swift
leaves a beer bottle next to the metal cup for the tournament.
BEER MONEYS vs Eric Young and the Outlaw Jethro Tull
WINNAR: James Swift and Rick Rude.
It's been one hour and only two matches thus far. This job is easy. I expect
to be paid eventually. IN PENNIES. Clean ones, only. Shiny and bronze.
Commercial Thought: I'm thinkin Arby's --sucks!
ANOTHER stretcher match? Jee whiz. Vince Russo
Awesome Koong vs Velvet Pie
WINNAR: VELVET SKY
Random Random Thoughts: "Star Trek" and "Command & Conquer" are very strongly related.
Kirk's middle name is "Tiberius" which is the name of the Roman Emperor, named after the river Tiber, where the asteroid hit
in the 90s which brought the green ichor to earth known as Tiberium, labeled as such by Kane (not the fat one, but this one
IS bald). Also, George Takei played Emperor Yoshiro in Red Alert 3.
OH OH SMACKDOWN COMMERCIAL ON TNA BROADCAST! CONTROVERSY!
Chris Abyss whining about something too Mr Richards. Who the fuck is Michael Scott?
Oh, Chris Abyss is talking about The Office. CONSPIRACY! I made an Office reference last week.
I'm having flashbacks. I KNEW I should've taken that acid in high school!
Now I'm probably going to think I have cancer, because I just saw Creed and Lethal enter before. Oh wait, they come
out again. WRESTLIIIIING!
Victor Creed puts over Christopher's achievements, and Blacko Man Jay Savage accuses Daniel
Daniel of being Suicide. Sabretooth mentions how they hate the Gunsz. Macho Black Man says he's... Kabuki?
Calls Daniels Daniels a "sape-sifter" now. Okay, seriously, was the real Macho Man this mush-mouthed?
Robot Shelley claims its a family show. He then proceeds to say "shut up" and a
very long curse word that was censored from Spike TV. He's awesome. More accusing Daniels Daniels of being Suicide
and stealing Sabin's title, which due to the theft, is a lot less sexy now. His words. "It's a lot less sexy now".
Ay, so seeexyyy, mi hijo! Satan claims he will expose Daniels Daniels and give everyone tickets to a gun show.
FREE GUNS?! YAYAYAYAYA!
Jeff Jarrett AGAIN backstage. He STILL hasn't gotten dressed for his match.
JB mentions the locker room is upset that Foley books security guards instead of wrestlers. STOP SHOOTING!!!!!
First female Monster's Ball match at Sacrifice? How is this BAD, John Borash? I hate you, you racist. Since
when does Foley have more power than Jarrett? Why doesn't he just FIIIII-YUUUUUUUUUR HIIIIIIM-UUUUUUH!? Since
he has so many problems with Foley, FUCKING FIRE HIM! He's a fucking Eel Sperm, not the owner and CEO of the company!
Angelina Love whines and bitches about being the only Horrible Person left. Lauren
laughs at her.
UH OH, REFERENCE TO TNA FRONTLINE. In fucking HOUSE SHOWS! TNA Frontline only
appears in fucking HOUSE SHOWS. Prepare to be released, Frontline. Is this supposed to be some kind of feud between
them and the Memmies?\
Main event morfia promo
Main Event Mafia come back out. Kur...
How funny that they claim Samoa Joe is "from the Nation of Violence" when he fucking IS
the nation of violence. You can't be "from" yourself, fucker.
Commercials, then back to amtch in progress. I'm signed out by this point, so bored.
Still, FOR YOU (and for the money I hope to pretend to receive), I suffer.
Right now it's Scott Steiner berating on Daniels before Angle comes in all skinny and
holy shit his left arm is so puny, it looks diseased. Kurt beats on him but then Daniels reverses and gets him.
Arm wrench, AJ on the turnbuckle, gets Angle rushed into him, AJ drives him onto Christopher's knees. Pin, but only
two. Christopher tags out to AJ, and Kurt beats him up and tags in Booger T. AJ styles reverses, scoop slams booker,
get sa big-ass knee on Booker. Pin, two. Chinlock! by AJ on Booger.
Back. Kevin Nash was doing something, but then Daniels Daniels came in, then AJ, and then
Booker T and Kurt Angle double teamed. Scott Steiner tagged in. Kicks AJ's abdomen. Tells the other guys
on the other team to shut up when AJ reaches for them. Pins AJ, Joe tries to break up but he's a fat piece of shit,
so he basically steps all over the referee. I'm serious. Kurt Angel tagged in.
Kirk Angel is alone with Jeff Jarrett. Ooooo heeheeheee... UH OH BARBED WIRE BAT,
and Mick Foley is NOT AMUSED. Literally takes it and says "MY BAT!". OH SNAPSZ Jarrett attacks Foley, slams him
on barbed wire, Sting goes for sudden pin and Jarrett literally has his fucking eyes on Sting, LOOKS AWAY, and fucking DIVES
ON KURT ANGLE FOR NO REASON.
WINNAR: Mem
Joe screams at Jarrett. DANIELS DANIELS and the others pantomime with Jarrett, wondering
why they lost. ANARCHY! CONSPIRACY! CONTROVERSY! CASH! JOHNNY CASH!
Okay, show's technically over, but we're back form commercials for more TNA bullshit.
Sting in the ring alone. Tells Mick he has good news and bad news. Good news:
Sting gets into foursome with Mick at Sacrifice. Man orgy? Oh wait, it's a match. Jarrett says if he won,
he gets into match. Stink must make a SACRIFICE. CREED MY SACRIFICE. CONSPIRACY! CONSEQUENCES VICTOR
CREED SABRETOOTH SACRIFICE!@
Heroin: The realization that TNA IS as fucking
retarded as the smarks claim it is. Two hours and three real matches. Fucking shitloads of promos and backstage
bullshit.
Concerta: This job ought to be easy!
Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She
has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not
apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
TNA IMPACT
Wha
And before you be
all like "WHAT! You just blatantly lied about something that can easily be disproven! Is that your stupid gimmick
now? Blatantly lying and sticking to your lies like it's the truth, no matter what evidence proves you wrong?
You suck, you chronic liar and chronic masturbator!" to which I'll say "What gimmick?"
FOLEY'S IMMEDIATE REACTIONS!
BACK TO KURT! Where's the nonstop action? Kurt whines and talks about whipping
Mick Foley's ass to become Champion at TNA Sacrifice. SCOTT STEINER flips out very quietly and modestly, and Kurt talks
to him.
Motor City Machine Guns w/ New Japan tiny titles for New Japan tiny waists vs
THE INCREDIBLE AMAZING COLOR RED w/ Human form and Suicide
This is kind of long, and what difference does it make how much play-by-play you get?
To quote Mike Tenay completely out of context, "What match are YOU watching?" Clearly not this one. OH HEY, NICE
TNA! "Suicide Solution" is the name of Suicide's finisher. GREAT MESSAGE TO THE KIDS! Seriously, I love
it. Sue the parents if anyone complains!
Winnar: Suicide and The Incredible Red
In the back with the Beautiful People (WOOAAAAAAL dundundunDUUUNdun.. the beautiful people,
the beautiful people, it's all relative to the size of your steeple) Angelina hates on paper. I agree with her; it's
a fucking travesty Steve-O didn't win American Idol. What fucking kind of competition has a Brit and a Hispanic as judges
when it's AMERICAN idol? They don't know America. THEY DO NOT!
OH I get it. "Cody Deaner" sounds like "ODB", in the kind of way where if you're
drunk and half-drowning in a pile of piss, it sounds alike.
Completely ill-placed commercial thought: "Battle for Terra"! Humans vs Mermaids,
the final battle in space. Who will win? No one. Everyone loses.
And I just realized now, Kurt Angle is PLANNING a hostile takeover of Foley's office,
not debuting a wrestler named "Hostile Takeover".
MORE PROMOS! Alex Shelley wanted to be a robot. But he said it was impossible,
so he decided to be a wrestler. Shelley... no. We have the technology. We can rebuild you. WAIT LOOK,
The DaColbert Code in action! Six million dollar man was about a ROBOT guy, right? And Stone Cold Steve Austin
was a gimmick SIx MIllion Dolalr man, and he's a wrestler, and Shelley's a wrestler?!
Random Hygiene Thought: I agree with George Costanza. Who cares if you piss in the
shower? It's all pipes!
Random Youtube Comment for pt 3/9: "nice to see Kurt Angle's new diet of AIDS."
LAX w/o ative w/o Homicide vs England
Hernandez starts off with a British guy, connects with spinning neck breaker and clubs
him in a turnbuckle. Irish whip[, brit reverses, hits him, tags in another Briton. Or wait, did he? Yeah,
he did. They look the same, but they got different names, I guess. double team on Hernandez, Hernandez kicks one
in the face after an irish whip, on the top rope, kicks both of them. MAtALE LOS GRINGOS, CABRONE DE MIERDA! PUTO
CABRON!
Homocize attacks a Brit on the ropes, but gets kicked down, double team attack, which
Tenay calls a "european uppercut" off the top. Honestly... If that's what it was, then it was a pretty useless addition
to what was a "big fucking slam on the ground" by the other british guy. Pin and Homicide loses.
Youtube Up-fuckery means that I miss stuff that happens, and jump into Oresum Kung's entrance
in a STRETCHAR match! She enters with a "blow up card" of Angelina Love in hand. "Blow"..."up"..."card"?
I want one. And make it anatomically correct.
Winnar: Awesome Kong
Murder Citry Machine Guns come out again. Tenay calls him "masked man of mystery".
Dudes... it's Mike Awesome. Okay? I said so.
Gunz talk about Christopher Daniels being feasted and fired, completely ignore Curry Man,
but claim he wrestled in FMW or something, being paid in Pizza and Japanese Pro Wrestling T-shirts. You know what, Shelley,
Pizza and Japanese Pro Wrestling T-shirts CAN pay the bills, if you a hustla!
Sabin remarks that Christopher Daniels and Suicide look alike, and Quote of the night,
Chris Sabin: "That ass is unmistakeable"
My complicated mind is starting to piece stuff together. Does Vince Russo and company
want to send us a subtle message that smarkiness is bad? And that anyone who tries to seem smarky on camera is inherently
a heel? The Gunz accuse Daniels of being Suicide (they're right) but they are heels! Don West sticks to claiming
he's Suicide, and he's heel!
Mick Foley in the back with Taz and his big-ass knife. Boy, Taz has gotten tall.
And whiter. And fatter. No wait, it's Samoan Joseph. Yeah, Taz is coming to TNA, I hear. That's what
everyone is saying. Who cares? Joe says nothing. Walks away.
Cory Beaner coming in with Old Dirty Bastard, with a STIPULATION! Chris Abyss cannot
weaponize, whereas Cody Dean Ur can. Use weapons.
Back to show, where Goth Daffney talks to Chris's girlfriend, where Dr Stevie prognosizing
something. He's the best psychiatrist Daffney has ever been to. Imagine having sex with this girl, and midway
through she suddenly gets dressed up as "The Governor". That's funny to me.
MUSIC VIDEO PACKAGE for... Lockdown, I guess. Yeah. DIdn't this pass already?
Come the fuck on.
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! John Borast talks about the Memmy girls, with Kevin's "Survivor"
slut bitching at Queen Sharmell. Where did she come from? Booker T and Sharmell drop that shit and leave.
WATCH YO BACK, JENNA!
So. Four matches. Two of them pathetic squashes. Maybe an hour and a
half or longer. I can't tell because I'm 'tubing it up.
Lauren is standing by with AJ STYLES and his PINK TITLE! Joe's on nobody's page,
says Styles. He doesn't even know Joe anymore after those couple of months he took off. Bros before hos, brah.
You know, because Joe's wife had a baby, right?
Here's another blueprint of failure: What in the fucking fuck is Rhino doing "training"
some random Marine in wrestling? Wasn't he supposed to be the fucking LEADER of TNA FRONTLINE? What in the fuck
even happened to TNA Frontline? That name isn't even fucking used anymore! That dirty dog couldn't break its flea
addiction? Or was that formula not strong enough?
Main Even Mafior coming out now. Main event. Five matches. Two of them
pointless squash matches. Three matches in two hours.
Booker T and Kevin Nash (the curtain-jerker squad of MEM)
vs AJ Styles and Samoan Joseph (the MAIN EVENTERS of TNA Frontline... huge problems in 'credible competition' here?)
Winnar: Booger T and Kevin Nash
Five matches. Two of them pointless squashes, one of them a useless story-driver-but-wrestling-non-provider.
See, that rhymes. I'm special.
AHA! Best part! REAL Main event of this!
SPEAK of the AIDS devil; he goes into Foley's office! Foley is scurrrrrred!
Angle's anger becomes stupid, as Foley says he's working on a contract on a new superstart, and offers to talk with Kurt.
Foley says "NOW" a few times, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS! Kurt flips, and attacks. This is now a match
Mick Foley vs Kurt Angle
THIS MATCH IS HOT! EVEN STEVEN, FOLEY! CHAIR! Angle needs a steel chair,
so he says no to the office chair. Angle takes Jeff's guitar, Foley says okay, but once Angle says the head, Foley mentions
his stitches, and agrees, but then backs off and says "that guitar belongs to Jeff, it's kind of his thing". Oh yeah,
I forgot to mention, Foley's been saying "bruther" a lot, to make people think it's Hulk Hogan, but SWERVE! It isn't.
Foley gets on the phoen, pretending to call someone to bring a chair, but he smacks Angle
in the head with it, then starts crawling to the closet.
Now, big superstar time: WHO headlined Wrestlemania, is a big-ass star, and is being
signed by Mick Foley? Guess...
...
....
You WISH I was kidding.
Winnar: Mick Foley by Disqualification
Barbiturates: Everything else. FIVE
Kurt Angle promos in the form of two, and three Main event Morfia promos focused almost entirely on Kurt? Maybe that
whole Kurt returning to WWE is true and they want to keep him. Or maybe their show just sucks and they need to hide
the fact that they have TWO HOURS to fill and only had FIVE matches, TWO of them pointless squashes, and ONE of them a five
minute ball-buster of nonsensical stupid and weak-ass laziness! And a FOUR AND A HALF MINUTE MUSIC VIDEO on a PPV that
already passed.
Just kill the fucking promotion.
Send feedback here: phenomynouss@hotmail.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She
has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not
apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
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Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
