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Tonight, I will do my super broadcast via LIVE STREAMING BROADBRAIN in which I watch it on TV instead of waiting until the morning and wasting two hours of computer time watching it on the Youtube upfuckery like last time's JOURNEY in which people somehow didn't upload part 7 of 9.
SPEAKING of upfuckery and computer two hours, I watch-ed Star Track The Voyage Home today on my computer in Blu-Ray quality, which I admit was insanely well done in picture quality.  I was inspired to do so via a song called Songs of the Ocean by Star One, which is based on that movie.  I also saw some of it as a child in school.  Quote of the movie: Kirk: "Double dumbass on you!"
So now my day was ruined by the dilemma... IS IT TIME FOR ME TO STOP MY UPFUCKERY AND ACCEPT BLU-RAY?!  I'm still clinging to a steadfast no, but if anyone can convince me otherwise.  Do it.  Go ahead.

ON TO-- oh wait, it hasn't started yet.  I'mma go take a piss.

Since my feedback has staggered to... well, I haven't gotten any in weeks... I decided to answer the unanswered question: Why do you take off your pants during your Septuple R and proceed to tell us about it?  Is it inspired by TNA?  Perhaps.  Mostly because it's nice and comfy without pants. 

Suddenly I'm not feeling in the mood to recap.  Fuck you assholes.  I need to be paid to tolerate TNA.  Because I sure as hell don't watch the wrestling parts.  What kind of asshole watches wrestling for the wrestling?  An obvious asshole, obviously.  Someone who takes "literal" a bit too literally when really it's supposed to mean something other than that.  That's why they call it "literal"!  Or irony.  One of those two.
Show starts with still pictures with voiceover, and the PICTURES SHAKEY-SHOO WHOOPYWHOOPYWHOOPY!  A NEW Godfather!  Al Pacino, replacing Marlon Brando.  Or some funnier joke.
Tonight's episode is called "Shake up the Ranks" or Shaking.  One of them.

DIRECT FALLOUT3 FROM MY SACRIFIIIICE!  Suicide defends the X championship against himself.

THE AMAZING COLOR RED comes to the ring.  Then comes SUicide.

HAY!  Remember when TNA had that whole "TNA Frontline (kills fleas AND ticks)" faction fighting the Mafior?  You don't?!  Remember how Jeff Jarrett brought DANIELS DANIELS in supposedly for like being part of the Frontline or something?  And see how he's completely not doing anything anymore anywhere near the main event?  You don't?!?!?

This brings back childhood memories of when I was still a mark, and saw the WCW/ECW invasion of the WWF as legitimate, then was confused and disappointed that they called themselves "The Alliance" and didn't do any "invading" after "Invasion" and just sort of settled in and played by the rules, what with the wrestling and being involved in storylines, and it didn't turn into an "INVASION" again until McMahon came back and said "WINNAR TAKES ALL AT SURVIVOR SERIES!"

Amazing Red vs Suicide
So I missed the early pieces rambling about my childhood memories.  Looking at the TV, the match is OVERSHADOWED by the MEMmers coming to the arena, with SAD ANGLE walking like a child with his head down and arms at his side, and the morbidly obese security flanking him.
MATCH!  Suicide killing Amazing, what with the punches and knocking down, then irish whip and does a running thingy.  It was like an attempted bulldog, but then he kind of keeled over and took Rod with him.  Lazy as hell.  Irish whiop and red kicks him.  Red tried to do something, but Suicide ran past and did a DROPKICK.
Leg dorp on AMAZING RED by Suicide, then irish whip, catches in a tilt-o-whirl upfuckery countered into a DDT by Amazoring.  Both down.
Every single week I start to pretend to cry and say "THIS IS GONNA BE THE WORST IMPACT RECAP I EVER DO" and it's funny because that's how it feels to me.
Red goes for a ... I'd say Canadian Destoryer, but SUICIDE killed him, pinned but TOO QUICK DON WEST!  No see you.  He kicked out.
Up and whipped, packagey-thing by Rod, but Suicide frees hisself.  Remember when X Division championships were in the MAIN EVENT of pay per views?  Like that FIVE STAR MATCHUP THREESOME of AJ Style and Samoan Joe and Christopher?  YOU DON'T?!
Suicide pins him.  I missed it somehow.  I wonder how!

Winnar: Suicide
Thoughts: Boy my feet smell tasty.  Makes me wonder what my toes will taste like.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS: I can't think of anything clever to say.  OH HEY WAIT! LOOK AT THIS!
The commercials end and it's the MAIN EVENT MAFIA COMING OUT with STINK at the lead.  Because he won, see?  Does that mean he also owns the company?  Because see, he pinned Angel at SACRIFICE, so he earned Angle's The Godfather collection on DVD and Blu-Ray... but he's also TNA Champion now, so that means he won Mick Foley's sacrifice.... so then doesn't he also win Jeff Jarrett's voting power?  TNA?  Sense?  Congruity?  Please?

Stink talks about being head of the family, and we get CLOSEUPS OF SAD ANGLE who looks like he has stubble on hsi face.  He's a sad man.  Holy shit he DOES have stubble, and is all sadlike.  He looks like a fucking junkie.
Oh wait, Sting was talking about the group, making a pact about bring honor, respect, dignity back to the wrestling business.  And somehow Sting only just realized this NOW, seven months later?  TNA?  Sense?  Congruity?  Please?  Your triangles are scalene?

Stink asks if any of the MEMmers have lived up to the pact.  It's obvious that none of them have.  So like... the entire group is a failure, then?  Kurt Angle looks drunk, strung-out, hung over, suicidal.  UH OH STING IS SCREAMING!  He bans the women from the MEMmers.  Aw dude come on... sexism.  Not legal.  Nash and Booger are feminists; they make sexism their bitch!  Sexism is all like "Oooh Booker T and Kevin Nash!  You're so hot!  I love you!  Kissy kissy!"
UH OH Stink turns to KURTLE.  Bitches about the morbidly obese security guards Kurtle hired.  Hired?  When the fuck did this happen?  Stink fires them, people chant "YOU GOT FIRED" at them as they leave.  Kurtle is sad.
OH NO THE ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE COMES OUT WITH A TAZZ-LIKE ENTRANCE VIDEO!  Joe appreciates STINK bringing a shred of HOONOOOOR to the organization, but ONE MAN CAN'T DO IT!  A NATION MUST!  TNA?  Sense?  Congruity?  Please?  Samoa Joe IS one man AND a nation?
OH NOESZ!  Taz has ordered Joseph to kill Booger and Nashlz.  And yet they still live.  NOW KURTLE IS HIS NEXT VICTIM.  Oh shit, Joe literally says "Kurt, I've been ordered to kill you."  Murder is illegal, and he just openly admits he's been ORDERED to murder someone.  TNA?  Sense?  Congruity?  Laws?

W-what?  Mick Foley is STILL TNA Champion?  I'm... what?  WRESTLEZONE SAID STING WAS NEEEEEEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!  Does this mean that upfuckery match was not for the Championship, but was some kind of easter egg hunt involving "pin the guy who has the stuff you want" and Sting went for ANGLE and a leadership position in his shitty group?  Instead of JARRETT for COMPLETE FUCKING CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE COMPANY?  And why in the fuck would anyone pin STING?  End STING's career, or win the ENTIRE COMPANY OF TNA or win the TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP or win Kurt Angle's thing?  TNA?  Sense?  Congruity?  Repetition?

Commercials: ----
Oh wait, yeah, Foley talked about something... Tool Borash said something about executive hat... Foley still has his championship belt.  Way to make the top belt in the company seem important (RUSSO) by having Sting pick a fucking promotion in his boy's club over having the TOP BELT IN THE COMPANY. 

Back.  Borast bitches about the Britons stealing Hernando's briefcase.  The Roman says they just took something they wanted, THE AMERICAN WAY!  Come on!  When was the last time America did that?  Ever even?!   Like... fucking.. 100 years ago?  Seriously!  You think we own Iraq?  You think we got any oil from Iraq?  AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!
Oh shit they're pimping SLAMMIVERSARY already?

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT!  Jenna Haze being talked to by a Lauren.  No wait, not Jenna Haze.  Do a google search for Jenna Haze.  Who is this bitch?  She says Sharmell is blinded by her own ignorance, or as her people say, "igni-ince".  Sharmell randomly appears from behind a door and chokes a bitch.
Damn these commercials are long.  I should've gone to get a sweet drink.  I need it.  My mouth feels like the Ebola virus is selling arms to Gonhorrhea.
I can't get over the fact that the new Pepsi can/bottle looks like medicine.

Back.  MOOOOORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT!  Doctor Stevie bumping his crotch against Lauren.  She's angry.  He's invading HER office, since she did the same last week.  Doctor STEVIE has a therapy session with Abyss.  He calls it some freaky-deaky psychology term "Mind control".  "Maaaaaeeeend Cunt Roooollll"
FINALLY A MATCH!  But now I want more backstage bullshit!

Oh wait, this isn't a match.  It's in-ring shenanigans.

Don West gives us kids a good message regarding Cody Deaner: This is why you don't do Crystal Meth.
They're chanting USA, despite Cory not being American---HEE'S FROM THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA!  C-S-A!  C-S-A!  C-S-A!
They go for the case, but Brit pulls his ass off, then goes up himself, then Cory pulls on him.  Brit throws his face in ladder.  Lawl.  He ain't winnin'.  Brit pounds on his ass.  Pulls him up for a headlock, but it's in like a Snapmare/Stunner position.
Stuff happens, then TEH DOUG is on the ladder, but CORY DEANER gets him with a top rope move.  And this whole match they been talking about what an ACCOMPLISHED WRESTLER teh Doug is, whereas BEANER has done better wrestling so far than this guy.  THE DEANER NEEDS SUPPORT FROM ODB!  I forsee both of them being fired soon.
Beaner going for ladder, but TEH DOUG does a generic flying "I'mma just jump and bump my gut against this thing" on the ladder on TEH DEANUR.  Goes for a piledriver thingy, but TEH DEANER gets a back... NNNNNNNNNN DROP!
Haw haw, the Brits jacked the ladder, now they holding it like they gonna hit TEH DEANER with it, but TEH DOUG goes and gets tossed onto the ladder.  MAYBE TEH CORY DEANER WILL WIN!?  Nnnn... remember when the X Division championship was in the MAIN EVENT of pay per view events featuring established stars like Raven and Rhyno taking BACKSEAT TO UP AND COMING STARS LIKE CHRISTOPHER AND AJ AND SAMOA?  And now the X Division comes within seconds of being challenged by fucking CODY DEANER.  But no, TEH DOUG takes it.

Winnar: Doug NotFunny
Thoughts: Imagine a redneck comedy gimmick getting a #1 contender's shot for the WWE Championship.

BACKSTAGE Jarrett talks shit on Eric Young.
Commercials, then back.  In the midst of that, I took off my pants again.

DOCTOR STEVIEEEE in the ring, and brings out Chris.
While I wait for fatty to get in the ring, I'mma say something controversial: I think Dakota Fanning is hot.
Holy shit Stevie's voice is fucked.  He feels Chris's therapy needs to be public.  I swear they just censored something in the background.  Maybe some random asshole screaming in the background?
DOCTOR STEVIE feels Chris has an addiction to giving pain and drawing blood.  Chris looks like a baby.  People are chanting "DOCTOR STEVIE!"  Stevie feels they need to start their therapy over again.  Gets Chris to put on a strait jacket.  Now he's gonna singapore cane him.
OMFG RAVEN COMES IN RAVEN RAVEN RAVEN!  But I knew that beforehand because I read spoilers.  Haw haw.  He's looking not as fat as usual.
DOCTOR STEVIE freaking out and Raven cornering him.  Then he smiles and takes the cane, and canes Chris.  Did anyone NOT see this coming?  If so, you're an idiot.  Stevie says that's all the time they have for Chris's therapy.  Holy fucking shit that was a short therapy session.  They play Raven's old TNA music.  Though it can't be considered "old" since he was always using it in TNA even during his release.

The Horrible People are walking around somewhere backstage.  Commercials.

Commercial Thoughts: John Travolta believes his dead son has been reincarnated, and that the horrors of his having a seizure and dying in the Bahamas will cause him to grow up dyslexic or with MS or something.

Back.  John Borash is all happy for Raven coming back, but then asks why he did what he did.  He answers exactly how I would, and exactly how I stole it from the very first episode of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" in Master Shake saying "Why is anything anything?"  Though he didn't say it in those words.

The Beautiful People come out.  Huh?  What?  Guy randomly says "And her opponent" then introduces Angelina Love.  I often get the feeling that despite just WATCHING TNA and listening to everything, I miss a whole lot.

Oh, finally they have a little bar thingy saying "Sojo Bolt".  Can they really not spell Sojournor?

Angelina Love vs Sojo
Angelina and the black one exchange stuff, then Love knocks her to a corner with weak-ass fake punches.  Picks her up, kicks in the gut, another kick from the irish whip rebound thingy.  Two pin attempts on SOJO fail.  I blacked out a bit, but Angelina love won.

WINNAR: Anglina Lurv

She gets on microphone to be ugly and obnoxiously voiced.  Now she fires Bad Ass Billy Gunn.  Uh huh.  Cites the main reasoning being him getting killshitted by Amazoring Kung, and he exclaims "I WAS HIT BY A CHAAAAIR!@"  More "YOU GOT FIRED" chants.  He leaves with the sort of smile and evil look of a drunken wifebeater.  Angelina Lurv needs new "hos" to throw around here.  I forsee Victoria from WWE debuting.  And I was right.  Because I read spoilers.  She weakly beats up Velvet Sky and Sexy Sexy Slave Girl, then does some kind of flippy-dippy on-the-shoulders-slam thing that looked nice and tight.  That's what he said!  She gets Love in a Widow's Peak.

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT WITH ERIC YUNG!  He will be in a KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifying match against the KING OF THE MOUNTAIN Jeff Jarrett, who had a four disc DVD set named KING OF THE MOUNTAIN recently released.  The point being he's not gonna win.
I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but it seems to be a trend in TNA that SMARKS = HEELS!  Eric Young is a heel now because he gets all smarky, complaining about being buried and such and being misused and abused by Jarrett.

Commercial THoughts:  Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 has completely and utterly not sold me at all as to why I should pay 50 dollars for essentially the very same game, but with more stuff.  Also doesn't help that almost the entire trailer was pre-rendered cinematics.  Why in the fuck do we need to see that in trailers?  They don't tell us shit about the game, just how much money you have to make CG movies.

My head is starting to hurt.

You know, I love tits as much as the next man or lesbo feminazi dyke.  Why must I be ashamed to say that?  Because it's offputting when I follow that up with "I love for those tits to be attached to a smoking hot shemale with a 40 inch dick".

Back.  And apparently Lethal Consequences are heel now.  All because they want to reveal Mike Awesome under that skinny Suicide body.  Lethal also wants to know what part of the HAND is the Murder City guns from.  See, cos Michigan.  Hand.  Etcetera.

Mick Foley comes out, talks about being on the evil side of TNA Management, or "the honeymoon's over" and such.  Talks about next week's KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifier, and OH NO MORE TWEAKING REFERNECES.  Nipple tweaking.  On a related note, did you know they made a porn movie called "This Ain't Star Trek" and it is indeed based off Star Trek?  The TV series.  Also it has Sasha Grey as a Vulcan.  GUESS WHAT SHE DOES HAHAHAA fucks.  She fucks.  And sucks.

Again comes the smark = heel philosophy.  Foley remarks that the match being called KING OF THE MOUNTAIN and Jarrett being called KING OF THE MOUNTAIN means the deck will be STACKED against Jarrett's opponents.  Foley wants to be TNA Champion forever, and says the key to that is not to defend it very often.  THAT'S THE TICKET!

BACKSTAGE with DANIELS DANIELS and A Joey Styles.  They talk about generic face stuff, then THE ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE appears.  Samoan Yusuf wants things to be sweet n tender with AJ, but he says AFTER THE MATCH.  I forsee they will fight.

Commercials, then back.

KING OF THE MOUNTAIN qualifying match Eric Young vs KING OF THE MOUNTAIN Jeff Jarrett with a new DVD release titled KING OF THE MOUNTAIN

Don West shoots by explaining how Jarrett exploited Young by having him be the comedy act, wrestling DANNY BONADUCE in the Lockdown pre-show and such.  STOP SHOOTING, EVIL WICKED WITCH OF DON WEST!
They be fighting, inverted atomic drop from Ee why on Jarrett, pins but nothing.  There was more stuff before that but I missed it.  Irish whip by EY reversed by Jarrett, Young clings to turnbuckle, Jarrett politely bows and waits while Young does a move on him.  Haw haw.  Pinf ail, then Jarrett takes control, throws him on turnbuckle where he wiggly-bigglies, and slips into ring, for Jarrett to trip him up, and go for a leg lock, but is REVERSED into a small package by Ee Why, almost wins, but he won't win.  STOP SHOOTING, HALO!
Some fighting, then Jarrett strokes Eric Young, but Young gets his foot on the rope before losing to the pin.  Then Jarrett goes for a suplex but EY reverses, and gets a wheelbarrow countered into a sleazy-ass pin by Jarrett to win.  LOL you thought he would lose?
Thoughts: Eric Young is still a comedy act!  Haha!  Jarrett gives him a clap, then shakes hands with Eric.  Obviously Young attacks Jarrett.
Commercials then back.  Only because I'm distracted.

Bore Ass asks Young some stupid questions, and he tells him that JArrett now will "DON'T YOU.... FORGET ABOUT ME... DUNNN DUN, Do-wuu-oo-wuu-oo-wuu-oon't!  Don't you... forget about me!"  Get it?  Fuck you.

Team 3Dicles in the ring with stuff, indicating no match.  BEER MONEY comes out, apparently now faces.  Haha, they make a chant with "BEER" and the crowd going "MONEY!"
Team 3D praise Beer Money, hype TNA and get "TNA!" chants, then offer a trophy to Beer Money along with a check for 100 thousand dollars which James Swift subsequently jacks.  People chant "WHERE'S THE BEER?"  People chant "THAT'S ALL ON BEER" when he shows them the check.  Jesus, who the fuck choreographs these chucklefucks?
Rick Rude says they will leave Slammiversary as TNA tag team champions.  Buh Buh Ray gets them some beer.  They spill it all over themselves, while Beer Money drinks from the trophies.  No fighting?!  What the fuck is this?!  Uh oh, Rude snatched one of the titles and stared at it, and Buh Buh snathced it from him.  CONTROVERSY?!  They're supposed to fight one another.

HAW HAW HAW "Jesse Neal" is gonna debut.  That navy guy who was being trained by the RHINO OF FAILURE, Rhino.

What the fuck?  Some rappers are rapping to AJ Styles' music in the ring.  HAHAHAHA they get cut-off mid-rap by commercials.
Back, and DANIELS DANIELS makes his entrance.  Announcer guy literally calls him "Daniel".  STOP SHOOTING, ANNOUNCER GUY!

AJ Styles vs DANIEL
Fighting and lock up, irish whip, AJ jumps, Daniel cartwheels, trips up AJ, people clap, AJ is confused!  OH NOESZ!  BOWFLEX THE FAMILY?  Irish whip, AJ flippies off DANIELS DANIELS, dorpkicks.  Grabs Daniels Daniels to try to suplex or something, but AJ knocks him with a flying thingy.  COMMERCIALS.

BACK!  Hangman style neckbreaker on DANIEL DANIEL by A Joey Styles.  Chinlock/Crossface by A Chris Benoit on DANIELS DANIELS.  OH MY GOD Don West is into Mass Effect 2!  I lurved Mass Effect!  See, TNA is listening to what I said in my obscure old post about making Don West a great heel commentator.  All he needs to do now is threaten to kill random people.
Split-leg moonsault by DANIELS DANIELS on AJ Styles off the floor, throws him in.  Gets on the turnbuckle.  They fight.  I put "they fight" because I got distracted and missed a bunch.  AJ did his flippy DDT attempt, and DAniels Daniels did his bomb thing.  Then he goes for BOWEL MOVEMENT EXTREME but misses, and AJ hits PELEEEEE!!!!1111
AJ goes for STYLES CLASH but reverses into ANGEL'S WINGS reverses into a HURRICANRANA and AJ winsz.

Winnar: AJ Styles, whom I am having trouble believing is not related to that right-wing extremist Joey Styles who hates Barack Obama because he's black and believes wads of puke in girl's stomachs aren't living babies.

OH NOEAZ  SHANE DOUGLAS ARRIVES and sneaks up on DANIELS DANIELS to hit him with a chain-covered fist.

Oh wow, that was it.  This is what I, or rather you, get when I do it LIVE STREAMING BROADBRAIN instead of watching it on the Youtubes where I can stare straight ahead at it.  Because where I'm sitting now, I need to either turn my head or my body to look at the TV screen.
Merry Crystal Methmas: That main event match was good.  I missed a bunch of it.  RAVEN and VICTORIA and SHANE DOUGLAS come in.
That was some bad weed, man: Heel Eric Young is surprisingly boring.  Surprising?  Well, not.  TNA: No sense, no congruity.
Why can't Russo take the many hints?:  So why in the hell would Sting pin Angle if he wanted to be TNA Champion so bad?  Why not pin Jarrett, then give himself infinite title shots with his controlling TNA power?  Why not pin Foley and just take the damn title?
So HEY!  Neil Cathan mentioned me in his TNA Sacrificial Lockdown rant review recap which had an infinitely more professional tone than me and my stuff.  I AM BETTER THAN YOU.
James Swift continues to ignore me.  I CALLED YOU OUT, STORM.  ANSWER ME!
Cameron Inferno still sucks.  He's jealous I get Kendrick ass when I want whereas he has to turn queer in order to get it.

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



I'm back! Though that's what I should say if I left in the first place which I don't.

I start this Septuple R (Recap Rant Review Report Really Rocking Rectums) about five hours before the event starts. Like I said, EVERY TNA iMPACT! IS WRESTLEMANIA (IX) FOR ME!

I just wanted to say that while I was showering (in the NUDE, no less) I had a string of thoughts on what to write here. And I remembered an ugly-as-hell picture from Wikipedia of a person's eyes that reminded me of Vince Russo's eyes. Then I remembered how Russo was on Beyond the Mat, but was never onscreen in the WWF, but onscreen a lot in WCW, and that shoot interview where he mocked Lucha Libre and Japanese wrestling, and pronounced it "Loo-chuh Lee-bray", and remembered how Jim Cornette said he'd never work with Russo again, then ended up working with Russo again now with TNA, then remembering how good TNA was in 2005 when Russo was gone, and how it turned to shit in 2007 when he returned.

Then I thought about how no one other than main eventers are even given any permanent storylines, since remember Shane Sewell? Of course you don't. The only non-Main event Mafia storyline I remember is the Tag Team tournament with Team Dudley Boys. Then I realized that the WWE and TNA alike are releasing DVD compilations of "BEST OF THEIR TAG TEAMS"

And what better way for the WWE to celebrate this DVD release than to break up their best tag team---the very one HOSTING THE GODDAMN DVD RELEASE---and completely eliminate an entire championship for the tag team roster to compete for?

Then I realized, "Well hey? Can anyone even fucking name any tag team other than Charlie and Cousin (or First, depending on your Spanish to English translator) Rectum, and LEGACY OF FAILURE? I seriously doubt there are any.

Then my thoughts turned to my Septuple R's. And I thought; how many people read this? How many people on forums and such will be quoting my spectacular legacy and such?

And then I thought back on my past. I thought of how I started in TWF, sleazily asking for a guest job, before disappearing for a month or two and returning full-time. Remembering that time I got shitkicked by Elephant Merrick and Anvil Swagbag Neidhart (figuratively) for being a jackass, and I lashed out Samoa Joe style with a fa(s)t-ass ANGRY TIME rant that gained me a slight sliver of respect, and how I got loads more for my "work" sabotaging Ben(j)i Duncan's Michigan forum that included an entire sticky thread devoted to bowel movements (or "shitting")

And I thought about the time before it, remembering how I was a regular at the HeavenGames forum for Rome Total War (a video game). I remember all my so-called friends there... well, not really, but I remember MisplacedGeneral... D Furius Venator (who was a total queer)... Gaius Colinius (called Rex because he was not only a tyrant but an idiot who didn't understand just what a racist term really is)... that middle-aged African guy who once told us the story of how his girlfriend was almost raped at a jungle bar and he had to fight them off with a knife...

And I say fondly to them, if ever they read... I HAVE LEFT YOU UPTIGHT FUCKERS IN THE DUST!~

Fame is mine, and no one will remember them except as the chucklefucks I make them out to be.

I even have a rapsheet at the HeavenGames forums here. And oh look, my picture is still up on the forumer page!

Here's my rapsheet

Supposed "racism" here. Colinius Rex somehow believed "Chonga" to be a racial slur. ASK CATHERINE WHAT THAT MEANS. Fuck that fucking fucker, too. Then he bans me for editing his post. What a jerkass. He pretty much vandalized my post by making it seem like I'd said real racism terms. They don't need to know I'm racist! Because I was already banned previously for racism for a week.

I also like to say I was banned permanently for racism, but really I just got a warning from it. In a forum that covers pretty much ancient Rome/Greece and Medieval times, times flourishing with racism, intolerance, hatred, killing, murder, blood, sex, cursing, etcetera, I get almost BANNED for quoting a "historical" quote of Cleitus the Black saying to Alexander the Great, on the subject of him encouraging his soldiers to marry Persian and Indian women, a notably open-minded thing to do that his more conservative father would not have done: "You think we'd be forced now to mate with brown apes?!"

And yeah, obviously that's not a REAL historical quote, but one from the Oliver Stone movie you all claim suck yet I consider one of my favorites ever.

Oh, and another thing; no one got any of my references from last week.

"Fighting on the turnbuckle, Sabin hitting Christopher in the side, crotches Christopher, Chris punches him into the Tree of Woe. Subotai will not save him now. Fifty bucks to whoever gets that reference."

Conan the Barbarian. Conan is captured by Thulsa Doom and tortured by being hung on the "tree of woe" for several hours before his friend Subotai finds him and frees him.

"CROSS THE LINE CAM showing Jeff Jarrett playing with a little girl. Pedobear approves. They go jetskiing with her in his lap. Oooh baby. It's awwwwright! Fifty bucks if anyone gets the reference."

I don't think it's safe to explain that here. Yes, EVEN FOR THIS SITE. Just let this picture explain why I can't explain it:


"Back to modern times (starring Charlie Chaplain) with Mr Ass James coming down to the ring. He chose "Vampire Diva" for his ring entrance in Create an Entrance. Fifty bucks blah blah."

He hung upside down on the ropes, like Ariel from the WWEECW, and that option is still available in SvR08 and 09 in Create an Entrance under "Vampire Diva"

Just like TNA iMPACT! I spend forever getting to the actual Septuple R!

I'll be back in four and a half hours or so.


IE Browser opens, Youtube is engaged. A video titled "lalalala" with a picture of a woman in a tanktop midriff and tight jeans is recommended for me.

Before we start, QUOTE OF THE WEEK! qwejijq (1 hour ago) : i pray to god this isint just a shurad to get jared they title back

Oh yes. I went there.

The show opens with JEFF JARRETT coming out. This is some CUTTING EDGE reporting, isn't it?

Jarrett claims there's not a lot to say, and contrary to my fantasies, he does not immediately drop the microphone and leave. Instead, he says a lot of things. IRONY!!

Jarrett is reacting to something. I missed it to make a stupid joke. TNA management made a foursome for the championship match, and for some reason Mick Foley is "obviously" in. Why? Because he's the champion? Since when does that stop other people from competing in stuff they don't belong in? Since always? Never!

People start chanting Jarrett as he implies he is going in. Then he confirms it. If they really wanted to rub it into smarks faces, he should "MY SACRIFICE!" all of TNA. That guarantees he'll win the title. Jarrett says Foley isn't fit to be heavyweight champion. Piddly joke about him being a heavyweight anyway, AND a champion (of my non-wet dreams).

Mick Foley comes out with a shirt with his own face on it. Haha, it's like he has two heads. Foley---hey wait, what? I missed something; he said last week he insinuated with Michael Tenay and Donald West that Jarrett faked his hamstring injury. I find it impossible to believe I missed this, so I'm going to attribute this to TNA shenanigans of non-continuity.

Foley asks what Jarrett is going to MY SACRIFICE! He says he's all in with his championship belt, Stink is all in with his career, and Kirt Angle is all in with his Godfather Blu-Ray and DVD collection. Jarrett steals my idea by putting his entire TNA company on the line in the form of "voting shares". Sting and Kurt ain't winning this.

Angry Foley then puts people in matches. Sting vs Eric Young, Kurt Angle vs Matt Morgan, Jeff Jarrett vs Samoa Joe AND his Nation of Violence. And Mick Foley will be facing a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!! I know who it is and you don't. Needless to say, the main event is the best main event in iMPACT! history.

Backstage now with Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner yelling incoherently at each other. Apparently looking for Sting.

Recap of Suicide is Painless and American Daniels Christopher Daniels. NOW BACKSTAGE WITH SUICIDE AND DANIELS DANIELS STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER! I can see the little line in the middle of the screen where they spliced the two bits of footage together. See, because they're the same person! Why else would people chant FALLEN ANGEL at Suicide?!

Lauren asks Suicide who he is. He says he is Suicide. What are you, fucking stupid? Fucking blonde. I hope Daffney rapes her with a gothic dildo. Come on... you ask Suicide who he is? He's suicide. That's who he is.


Truth or Consequences Victor Creed vs Motor City Guns w/ tiny-ass Japanese belts vs TEH DAN and Situation Stu

Turns out Suicide owes TEH DAN a self-inflicted shot at the X Division championship for saving him that one time.

Don West breaks TNA meld by making sense---DANIELS suicide rapells into the ring, whereas SUICIDE suicide just randomly appears on the ground. CONSPIRACY!

Match starts with Jay Lethal and TEH DANIELS, choppity on the turnbuckling, then Daniel Daniel starts shoving his boot on Lethal. they do stuff, then irish whip, flippy-dippy-fun-dip, arm drag. That LOOKED funsauce, but pretty much nothing happened.

Robot Shelley tags in and starts running around with CHRISTOPHER DANIELS and such. Dorps him onto the ring ropes. They attack. Daniels is DOWN. Snapmare, springboard elbow, then springboard splashy from the motor guns on DANIELS DANIELS including tag in to Sabin.

Wow, I just zoned out for a moment and missed a bunch of the match. Sabin tried to pin DANIELS DANIELS but it got broked up by the black guy who then DDTs him. Suicide gonna tag Daniels Daniels. Good god, I'm tired. LOL BOTCH! Suicide tried some kind of spinny jumping kick on SHelley, barely touched him, if at all, Shelley awkwardly stumbles onto his back.

Lethal and Victor attack Suicide in the corner, then Sabin leaps off top rope for a DDT on Creed, then attacks Suicide, frog splash by Shelley on him, DANIELS DANIELS saves. Faceplant by letahl on someone. Clothesline by DANEI on Lethal out of the ring, then an Arabian moonsault onto him from the outside. TO THE OUTSIDE I mean. Replay four or five times. SHELLEY AND SUICIDE!

I need to take a rest, yo. I feel like I'm writing too much sometimes. Oh hey, Suicide just pinned Robot Shelley for the lose on Shelley.

Winnar: Both Christopher Daniels'

Thoughts: I think TNA is making me sick. I feel nauseous.

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHITTYPOO WITH Kurt and Scott screaming incoherently. They're looking for Sting. Kurt goes up into the rafters. That's it. That was nice and pointless, only without the nice part.

STING VIDEO PACKAGE! You know, I agree; one 5-7 minute wrestling match every half hour. Pace yourselves, I'm still awake thus far.

MOOOOOOORE BACKSTAGE PROMO BULLSHIT! Booker T and Kevin Nash training, which consists really of them just wrestling in the empty arena in gym clothes. Booker T says stuff in black-people talk. Kevin Nash says stuff in white-people talk. It's all barely comprehensible to me.

TEAM DUDLEY BOYS come out with their TNA belts and their tiny Japanese belts. Recap of the time Sheik Abdul Jabbar and Random Guy walked by Team 3D's fallen bodies after they got flash-cut beated up by the British in less than 14 seconds.

Microphone talk for Buh Buh Ray Dudley! Talk about giving to the tag team division or something. Want to leave behind a legacy of great tag team wrestling. HERE COMES MYOPIA! Out of 20 years, the BIGGEST SHIT THREAT THEY EVER FACE NOW is... fucking British Mangus and That Other Guy.

How funny---the Youtube user removed all their videos just while I was watching it. Have to switch to the non-HQ versions uploaded by someone else.

Brutus Mangus leads the British out, then talks British to him. I dunno it's kind of hard to tell. He's just looking British and all. And he was supposed to be a Roman?! He gets beaten on before he can say some shit about royalty.

Fucking Brits. I fucking hate British people. And fuck your queen, too, you primitive little bitches. Ain't got no democracy, you all bend over and take it in the ass from your queen.

Rob Terry with a somehow remarkable "show of strength" by carrying D-Von on his shoulder. The very same "show of strength" done by almost everyone ever. All he did was a powerslam, too. The Roman turncoat says "Rule Britannia" or something. See my above rant.

Oh hey it's James Swift and Rick Rude to chase away Britannia. FACE TURN?! RESPECKT?! SHAKE HANDS WITH DUDLEY BOYS?! STUFF BEING SCREAMED?! I THINK SO!

Roody gets on the --- oh hey, what? They randomly show Sheik Abdul Jabbar and some japanese guy peeking out from the entrance ramp. What in the fuck was that for? Now they're randomly following the Britons out. Brutus Mangus does his retard head-wiggle thing. I win 50 bucks from betting with myself.

BACKSTAGE with jarrett yelling at Eric Young, apparently calling Canada shit by claiming he found Young wrestling in Ontario, in CANADA! Yeah, fuck Canada, too. You assholes outlaw cartoon child pornography. How else will pedophiles get off without touching real children!? THINK YOU NOTHING OF THE PLIGHT OF PEDERASSES?!

Kurt Angle apparently found Stink. I HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER TO KURT ANGLE'S INSANITY AND STUPIDITY: he TiVO's TNA episodes and watches them 3 or 4 times each. Sting squeals at Kurt over being screwed. I think they hate Mick Foley, but how would I ever know? What did he ever do except beat off Jeff Jarrett and such? Oh screwy you say? This promo is indeed as long as this rambling paragraph.

Eric young is coming out. I ask now, what now? He's like not doing fucking shit, just jobbing out to ex-WCW/WWE guys, without a story. He gonna be fired.

Sting vs TEH ERIC!

Sting wins.

Winnar: Sting

Thoughts: I'll tell you when the match actually begins.

Okay, they lock up, then break up, then lock up, then turnbuckle, then break up. Tooooytoytoytoytoytoy! Back to turnbuckle, punchy on sting, punchy on Eric, whippywreck, STINGAR splash misses, ERICSPLASH misses as well, but he gets kicked by Sting, irrish whipped, pulls one of those HBK turnbuckle flippies, only saves himself, gets on turnbuckle, gets reversed, and tossed out of the ring.

Sting pins for three, plus or minus one or so. Whip Eric, he does another flippy-fall out of the ring. Hot women touch TEH ERIC outside the ring. He goes back in, catches Sting with the Atom-IC ....... NNNnnnn drrrOP!

Pin by someone called Ewy on Sting. Eric Young pinned him, though. Gets on top. Ewy took some advice from Jarrett. IRRELEVANT TO THIS MATCH? SELF-ASKED RHETORICAL QUESTIONS DONE IN CAPS?!

Oh hey, match over. Eric Young caught Sting in a SCROPIO Death lock for the ween. And if you believe that, you'll believe me when I say if my ear were a vagina, I could have sex with myself.

BACKSTAGE WITH TOOL, talking about HIRINGS AND FIRINGS! TNA Mobile shill, then camera shift to Mick Foley! He shall fight with a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION WHO NEVER STEPPED FOOT IN A TNA RING!

Tool McToolington pulls the same fucking shit as last week by trying to get Foley to tell him who it is directly. FUCK YOU TOOL! OH MY FUCKING GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU! I won't spoil it for you because it is just too fucking epic and awesome, you'd seriously fucking mark the Terry fucklty-Funk out.

PROMO FOR AWESOME CONG~ Narrator biased against Angel Love.


Angelina Love apparently came with the entire United States 7th Cavalry Corps. SHE GETS AROUND HAWHAWHAW! Oh wait, you mean it was just a shitty expression for her coming out with less than five security guards?

Mike Tenay mentions that Awesome Cong has been infatuated with an 8x10 photo of Love. Sexy jungle love with a picture.

Jimm Cornette warns taht this isn't a match, but a contract signing, so no violence. Fifty bucks says Angelina Love does not get attacked by Kong.

Apparently the match is going to be Angelina Love vs Cheerleader Melissa, because Cong is illiterate or something? She didn't sign; Raeesha Saudi signed it. What in the fuck did she sign? HER name? Kong's name? Would drawing a pair of tits on the paper not work out for Kong, since she loves staring at pictures of big breasted women and all?

Angelina Love gets on the microphone, tries to get Cong all sweet and not hurty on her on Sunday. Then offers her a MAKEOVAR! They will yank out the things growing out of her melon. And wash off the Doink makeup she's wearing. And change her wardrobe that she always wears all the time always seemingly. Then she'll go to a FAT FARM! Notice how everything she says in insulting to deliberately rile her up and rile the crowd up. We call that "heeling it up". By we, I mean me. I don't care what you call it.

They shake hands, but CONG WON'T LET GO! ANARCHY RULZ! Okay, I lost fifty bucks; she tried to choke Love, but Love escaped, so... I win fifty bucks again. Cong killshits ROODY on the table, then sticks her tongue out at Angelina as she backs up the ramp. I can only assume she's gonna use that big wide pink thing to lather up Love's crevices. You know it's good.

Since I don't get commercials, I instead get a MIIIIINDFUUUUUCK and have the exact same thing replay itself in the form of a "MOMENTS AGO!" By the way, she offered Kong to join My Pie Sexy. So clearly she wants to be eaten out by Kong. OOOOOH Overt sexual innuendo!

EARLIER THIS WEEK! Lauren with Chris Abyss in an office, looking for DOCTOR STEVIEEEE! He has an official-y office? Hanging otu with Raven long enough makes you a qualified psychocologist. Raven -IS- in MENSA, I suppose. The front desk lady said something, and they left. Or went to keep searching?


Then we get the exact same rundown thing for MY SACRIFIIIICE that we got earlier today.

Lauren with AJ Styles and the exact same promo as from last week. He will never say "Ah Queeit". He gives a heartwrenching story of being out on the road making fifty bucks while his wife was at home. SHE NEVER SAID AH QUEEIT! AH NEVER SAYED AH QUEEIT! AH PAID MAH DEWZ! Lauren is disgusted by him. OH MY GOD CAMERA GUY TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING ROLLER SKATES, I'M GETTING DIZZY!

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Lauren with THE BLUEPRINT OF EJACULATING IN A CONTAINER AND HAVING THAT SEMEN SENT INTO SPACE AS PROMOTION FOR A SHITTY VIDEO GAME MATT MORGAN. He wants to be in the Main Event Mafia, the Greatest Collection of World Champions Ever despite never being a "main eventer", a "greatest" anything (I'm pretty sure Snitsky failed greater than him), he's not a "collection", and he sure as hell ain't a "champion" of any kind, nor is he an "ever".

MATCH TIME~ Matt Morgan with his DNA-stained robe comes out first to be squashed by Kurtle, presumably. Someone has a sign saying Morgan is the "DNA OF TNA". That's kind of funny---his sperm is all over the locker room and under the ring.

TNA's Semen Matt Morgan vs Kurt Angle w/ Rose

Match starts and such. Don West knows what The Godfather on Blu-Ray and DVD means to Kurt Angle. Lock-up, side headlock by Morgan, gets whipped, shoulder blocks Angle, smishy's Angle on the turnbuckle, then does a shitty little inner-thigh-to-the-back of Angle and he goes out of the ring and Angle rolls out too.

Side headlock into a punch. THAT IS A DIRTY MOVE IN SvR09! Commercials.

Back and they are in the ring and Angle is dominating Morgan. Whaaaaat? Morgan hits a back breaker, and goes for a three count pin, but it only gets counted twice. Morgan does a submission move, but it gets overshadowed by POWER MOVE replay. EVEN IN TNA, SUBMISSION WRESTLING IS DISRESPECTED

Back and it's a headlock/chinlock thing apparently. Angle powers out, punches. Gets kicked by Morgan. Morgan gets a German, then two, then three.

Failed Angle Slam on Morgan, and he boots Angle with his carbon footkick. Well West at least admits this has been a squash of Kurt Angle. But now ankle lock on Morgan! Eventually he kicks out of it. Catches Kurt Angle for a GENERIC FALLAWAY SLAM! Blueprint! Goes for a Hello Vader, some kind of move. Small packaged reversal into the win.

Wow, that was incredibly awful---Angle gets shitkicked the entire match, then wins with a fucking SMALL PACKAGE! I have to admit, that is a nifty and crafty way to bury Matt Morgan.

Winnar: Kurt Angle

Thoughts: Aww how sweet they shake hands after match, hug and kiss and make up.

BACKSTAGE WITH LAUREN AND JEFF JARETT. He's up next and he's not even dressed. Restating pretty much exactly teh same stuff. Lauren calls the Sacrifice match a SUPREME SACRIFICE MATCH. I don't use capslocks---I just hold the Shift key the entire time.

Lauren again with Jenna. She's gotten as dark as Sharmell practically. She's dressed like a plumber, then claims she has money. Then threatens Sharmell in the most generic way possible.

Joe comes out with a video that looks very much like Tazz's old WWF video, wearing a Taz towel on his head. Taz. Taz. Peter Senerchia. TAZ.

The en-tire NATION OF VIOLENCE vs Jeff Jarrett

Samoan Joseph attacks Jarrett on the ramp, they fight. Start fighting in the audience. Referee follows them out for some reason despite this not being an out-of-the-ringy match. Generic brawling through the crowd. One of my back teeth really hurts because it's been broken and filled, and now part of the broken side facing my tongue has literally grown like a fang-like size and it almost always digs into my tongue, and when my tongue is sore, I can always feel it scratching. I like this new Don West. he claims he must have torn his hamstring just coming out to the announcer's table, then mistakes a cramp for his hamstring. Making fun of Jeff Jarrett, haw haw. They've fought now to ringside, Samoa Joe throws referee away and BOOTS Jarrett. Attacks Ref and throws him into metal thing. HAHAHAHA his name is Slick Johnson. Earl Hebner appears to soften up many slick johnson's and call disqualification belt while Joe murdalizes Jarrett, and A Joey Styles appears to save Jarrett. Winnar: Jeff Jarrett

Thoughts: Best part of this match was the mention of Slick Johnson's name. And Don West heelin' it up.

After match fighting with AJ and Samoan Joey.

I got pains all over, in my mouth because of my tooth and tongue like I mentioned, plus I keep tonguing my tooth and hurting it, and now my neck and shoulders hurt. I'mma go swallow down pills.

My pills are down, and my pants are off. Let's do it to it! DEEEWW IT TEEWW IT!


Mick Foley comes out with a chair. Time to see him face Terry Funk what? I mean no. He will be facing a MYSTERY FUNK MAN!

It's a great night for Foley, he says, and now tonight in a non-title match, he will be facing... drumrolls nowhere... household name... known throughout the world... from the city of brotherly love......


Former heavyweight champion!



YES ROCKY BALBOA!!! OUT HE COMES, looking just like he did in "Rocky"! Wow he's in GREAT SHAPE! Don West is marking out hard and such! Don West's commentary sells this momentous moment so hard! And Mike TNA says "Don... shut the hell up. It's a cardboard cut-out of Rocky that Mick Foley is bringing to the ring[...]"

Mick Foley vs Rocky Balboa

Rocky chants start. Don West remarks how Rocky's expression doesn't even change. WAIT, who's that fat guy behind Rocky pushing on Rocky's skinny arm to hit Foley? Ooooh it's cheating! I'm so hurt---Rocky's bringing the sleazy sleazy fixed nature of boxing into the honorable sport entertainment of wrestling!

Mick Foley does his Hulk Up, which I'll call "DUDES UP" or "CACTUS' UP" or "JACKS UP" And gives a THUNDEROUS suplex on Rocky!


He's gonna-- run! Runs from ropes to ropes! Again and again. OOOOH!!! He tripped over Rocky's arm and ripped the cardboard! West's words: "I heard somethin' snap; it might be his hamstring". West is awesome now.

Mick Foley with the ONE! TWO! THREE!

Winnar; Mick Foley

Thoughts: Unbelievable! Mick Foley beat Rocky Balboa! And not just the Rocky from "Rocky Balboa" but Rocky from his prime!

I think Foley's now quoting "Rocky", and thanks the fans, says except for his kids being born, this is the greatest night in the history of his life, and YO COLLETTE! I DID IT!

Uh oh, Jarrett is not amused! He comes out all angry-pants and shirtless, and angers it up at Jarrey. Jarrett makes me laugh hysterically by claiming Mick Foley is making a mockery of Jarrett's promotion. Mick Foley. Of all people. Mick Foley.

Angle randomly appears to ANGLE SLAM Jarrett and Ankle lock his hamstring leg! Stink appears, and Angle is scurred! Stink wants peace, but Foley attacks Stink with a chair. Jarrett Inverted Russian Leg Sweeps Angle, then gets hit by Foley with a chair. ANOTHER ASSWHUPPIN FOR JEFF JARRETT!

The Stuff that was Fun and Stuff: Best main event ever. Not too many matches, so I got PLENTY OF ENTERTAINMENT!

The Stuff that made me have to take Advil: The first match was flippy-dippy-trippy, but ultimately kind of pointless and not a lot of "believable" wrestling. Every other match was trash. EXCEPT THE MAIN EVENT!

The Stuff I reflect upon philosophically: Boy, I used an awful lot of capitalizations here. Does anyone want to offer me something so that I stop using them so much? ANYONE?! ANYONE?! MONEY?! DRUGS?! SMACK!??

So hey, if you did NOT enjoy my column, then do NOT visit the columns of my thoroughbred rival James Storm and his shitty little Japanese column THE ROCK(TAGON)!. Also visit Michael McNeil McGilligan and his terrible terrible ECW "I touch myself while I recap because I'm a tool and my Predecessor Got a new Snizzier Gig for Disappearing for a year while I stayed and am stuck in this Shithole" RECAPS!

Also see the total convalescence of the twin dragons of incompetence and incontinence in the form of the ever-present irrelevancy of Antonius Dean's PPV rant and his JOKE STEALING SELF who STEALS MY SHIT because he's a thieving little fairy and a tool! That sniggering little shit, I could fucking stomp his ass and kill him. I'd stomp into his ass so hard.

Also see Jim Raynor return again to flood the world with his Letters from his Mom's Basement. I wonder how he got a job here---he seems to be just the sort of tool this site is meant to make fun of. Satire? What's that? Also, he added me on his Myfaces. Maybe he loves me!

See my Myfaces here http://www.myspace.com/andarielhalo

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



It is no exaggeration to say I had to open one of my old saved reports just to figure out how to begin my RANT REVIEW RECAP REPORT.

Hey!  RAW THOUGHTS!  I had some a while ago, but I forgot them.  I also say, Fuck you Cameron Inferno.  The Brian Kendrick is not gay, he is the best awesome most greatest midcard thing in the WWE today.  Him and John Morrison in a sex tape together would make my day.

So I've been receiving a lot of complaints about my style of play-by-play for matches.  In truth, I haven't received any comments on it, except from my Id, claiming it's like a barrel of crack addicts trying to escape all at once.  Or like two bitches in a bitch boat.

Boy that was rather hard finding the Youtubes videos for it, because I didn't watch the first hour last night.  Worry not, gentle jerkwads, I am not being killed by TNA.  I am only getting stronger---my sense of humor is such that ...

SHOWOPENING and Mick Foley comes out.  Funny story!  Well, not funny.  I'll tell you during the "commercial" break.

Foley putting his title on the line against Kurt Angle, putting his Godfather Blu-Ray and DVD collection on the line MY SACRIFIIIICE.  Though I'm sure he'd be okay with losing The Godfather III.  HUHOOO!! You see, because that one sucked!  I wouldn't know, I never saw any of them.
Foley now turns to Jarrot!  Shills Jarrett's FOUR disc King of the Mountain DVD.  Funny story, I saw on Amazon some disillusioned smark (not me) whining and bitching on Jarrett, being like the Triple H of TNA, voting 1 star (lowest rating) for Jarrett's DVD, saying it was arrogance and ego that he gets a FOUR disc set, and puts himself over the younger talent, and ended it with: "This is a prime example of an overrated wrestler taking up time that would be better spent on newer, better wrestlers, such as AJ Styles, etc."

This dumb fucklehead apparently forgot that whole part where IT IS 2009 and this is Jeff Jarrett's FIRST DVD release, whereas AJ STYLES got TWO - TWO- TWO RELEASES, EACH TWO DISCS, and Samoa Joe got one, Christopher Daniels got one, Abyss got one, the entire X Division got THREE, the tag team division got one AND another one coming, the Knockouts got TWO, Raven got one, Kurt Angle got one, Christian Cage got one, JEFF HARDY got one, Practically EVERY motherfucker chucklefuck who has been in TNA for more than a year or two has gotten or has been featured prominently in DVD releases, and just because this guy is the owner/founder of TNA and puts himself in the main event spotlight in the beginning, he gets Triple H'd and Cena'd by fucking up-their-own-ass smarks who think they know what's good for wrestling and don't think the FOUNDER OF AN ENTIRE WRESTLING COMPANY, WHICH FOR INSANITY OR GOOD WRESTLING, IS STILL A MAJOR PLAYER IN THE PRO WRESTLING TV SCENE, deserves ONE fucking DVD set chronicling his LONG career.
End of weekly angry-smark rant
Mick Foley has an OMFG BOOTLEG DVD on him.  It will be "dark and difficult to watch" according to him.  UH OHSZ!  It's the video tape from THE RING!  Fans chant "PUT IT ON!".  Haha, STOP SHOOTING!

What exactly HAS the world been talking about with his DVD thing that apparently he has not shown anyone?  Does anyone in TNA ever think about things like this?
Foley leaves.

Winnar: Foley
Thoughts: This was a match?  The DVD didn't get any offense in.

Backstage with Tool Borash and the MEMMRS
Kurt Angle isn't there, but KEVIN NASH IS DRESSED FOR BATTLE OH MY GOD expect a match with him.  Scott Steiner screams at Borash, talks about being Rhodes Scolar in Michigan, says some gibbery-joo afterwards.
They talk about something and laugh sleazily with Kevin.  I don't know why, I wasn't paying attention.  Maybe he's buttfucking Jenna.
I just realized, the morbidly obese security guards are flanking a black and white photo of Kurt Angle in the ring beating on someone.  They're protecting a picture of Kurt Angle.  HAHA.

WEBOGRAPHY!  Robot Shelley again?  What in the fuck?  It's like the exact same one from two weeks ago where he said he wanted to be a robot.
Robot Shelley likes comic books.  WOW REALLY?  WHO KNEW?  This guy's personality is so predictable.  "my role models would be my parents cos they're so hardworking" gawgawgawchuckledy-doody!  That's so original.  Oh wait, no it's not!

My Dream Thoughts: So I had a dream involving MICK FOLEY!  It was like some alternate version of the history of the WWF, and featured big burly WWF'ers in frilly costumes wandering around libraries and book stores while people laughed at them even as they wrestled one another.  Then Mick Foley and Terry Funk and others showed up all ATTITUDE-y and people laughed at them, but then they started being all HARDCORE and people stopped laughing!
There was also a scene in which two beautiful women with the names of former WWE divas were lounging around half-naked in a living room while Terry Funk vacuumed and hummed a happy tune to himself.  Mick then attacked Terry Funk all HARDCORE style, and they both laughed and made up after the attack.
There was more to it, but that was the wrestling-related aspect.  It was fun.
John Borast wants to know what's on the DVD, whereas Foley is more concerned with a crack in the glass on Jarrett's poster.  Michael Tenay said they sent him to find out what's on the DVD.  Seriously?  Come the fuck on.  When Foley hypes the shit out of it that hard, you just expect Tool McToolington to wander in and Foley be all "well you wanna know what's on it?  It's footage of me ambushing and beating the shit out of Jarrett during his visit to the old Armory"
Oh noesz, did I spoil you?  I'm so badass.

Foley wants Tool to show him "the eyes" which I assume is that bug-eyed tool expression Toolington makes when he's being a tool.

Foley gets angry and puts Eric Young in a match against the ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE!
recap of Team Macho Black Men accusing DANIELS DANIELS of being Suicide.

I can say honestly at least I'm glad Jay Lethal's gimmick is sincere in that he's idolizing Macho Man, and doesn't have like a head injury that causes him to think he's the Macho Man.  That sounds like a TNA-type concoction.

Motor City Machine Guns come out.  This is half-way through part 2 of 9 in the Youtubes set for this week's episode, and this is the first wrestling match.  Approximately 15 minutes of no wrestling, and TWO backstage bullshits.  HAPPY TIMES!


Chris Sabin vs Christopher

Starts with Sabin and Christopher, doing some stuff.... nnn... I CAN'T HOLD BACK!  HOLY FUCKING SHIT QUICK HEADLOCK TRANSITION INTO AN irish whip by Daniels Daniels and Sabin HULKS UP and goes for something but Daniels armdrags, but reversed into a Codebreaker by Sabin on Daniels which Daniels BACKFLIPS in response to and then backbreakers Sabin before hitting him into the turnbuckle!
Crash.  More sugar required.  Or meth.
Fighting on the turnbuckle, Sabin hitting Christopher in the side, crotches Christopher, Chris punches him into the Tree of Woe.  Subotai will not save him now.  Fifty bucks to whoever gets that reference.
Sabin pulls him free and pins.  For the win.  No, not really.  Pushes Christopher on the ropes, Robot Shelley IRON CLAWS his face.  OH NOESZ!  B-Team Darkness comes onto the ramp!

Don West finally explains the true motivation behind DANIELS DANIELS being Suicide---COLLECTING TWO PAYCHECKS!  No more pizza and japanese wrestling T-shirts for him!
Daniels Daniels starts kicking Sabin around, whips him but reversed, meets Sabin with his elbow, boots his chest with some kind of turnbuckle falling diddy.  Pins after an STO.  EXACT REPLICA ON WHAT WE SAW SUICIDE DO LAST WEEK!  Don West gets it, why don't you?
Robot Shelley distracts Suicide and Sabin beats on him.  Kurt Angle is in HOLLYWOOD filming a MOVIE!  Not the one where he's a rapist murdering clown.
Sabin cockblocked on the Ternader DDT.  Daniels with a standing Rock Bottom, then gets the BME!  Which I assume means Bowel Movement EXTREME!

Winnar: Dan
Thoughts: A perfectly booked sort of match.  Great enough to be featured on a PPV, yet if you saw it on a PPV, you'd consider it a slight disappointment.

Referees gathered in Foley's office.  One of them shows his arm muscles, and JB throws up in his mouth.  Why?  I think it looked like a tumor.  Get that checked out, bald guy.  I missed the rest because I was RPing.  THAT'S RIGHT, I ROLEPLAY.  YOU GOT A PROBLEM?  Well... fuck you.

Kurt Angle promo.  Exactly the same as Jarrett's in format.

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT!  Scott Steiner talking to Kevin's living Fleshlight, Jenna.  He says he's the lion, and curses something.  Sharmell supposedly apologized about fighting with Jenna.
He wants to set up a meeting, JB gawks something, and Scott Steiner shrilly squeals SHUT UP!  Hilarious.  I love this guy.  The video quality is kind of shitty, but this Jenna looks kind of like Marisa Tomei.  Only younger, and with more fat.

MICK FOLEY PROMO!  Exactly the same format as the last two.  Considering that these have all had wrestling scenes in it, I don't think it's fair to say "TOTOAL NONSTORP WRESTLING ACTION" in a sleazily sarcastic way implying it has nothing of the sort.

The Amazoring Red and Daniels take on the entire nation of Britain!  at Sacrifice.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN NASHVILLE BETWEEN JEFF JARRETT AND MICK FOLEY?!@  The graphic literally has THREE question marks after "Nashville".  THREE!  That implies big-time serious-itude.

BACKSTAGE with Angelina Luv and Lauren.  She bitches at Lauren, saying she's not begging for help against Amazing Red.  Kong.  Amazing Red Kong.  She was on the phone with Bad Ass Billy Gunn.  Or Cute Monty Sopp.  Kip James.  Mister Ass.  He's gonna fight Awesome Kong.  NOOO SPIKE TV SAYS NO MALE ON FEMALE VIOLENCE!  Expect Kong to lose, because men can't beat up women.  See what I did there?

TNA webography again with Angelina Love.  She'd be a gym person if she wasn't a wrestler, cursing out and making fun of people.  She loves "whore" movies.  OH MY GOD I LOVE HER.  She loves "The Devil's Rejects" by Rob Zombie.  I do too.  I LOVE YOU!  Okay, not really, but still!  She loves rock.  She likes Atreyu, Avenged Sevenfold, Linkin Park, some other shit I didn't hear.  She looks remotely human in this.  What the hell do they put on her in the ring to make her look like she's cracking apart?
This is clearly some kind of shooty thing, because she sounds nothing like a Horrible Person, and says she wants everyone to have what they want.

CROSS THE LINE CAM showing Jeff Jarrett playing with a little girl.  Pedobear approves.  They go jetskiing with her in his lap.  Oooh baby.  It's awwwwright!  Fifty bucks if anyone gets the reference.  HOLY SHIT!  Actual quote from Jarrett: "You got wet, didn't you?"  Hooray for double entendre!
This promo is either very sweet or very sexy, depending on which side of the double entendre you view it from.  She got wet.  HAHA.

Eric Young comes out, then Samoa Joe.  Mike Tenay pretty much gives away Taz's entry into TNA, talking about Joe having the towel on his head and mentioning a "secret advisor".  CLearly I'm not paying close enough attention because I NEVER heard of this occurring at any time.
ERIC YOUNG vs THE ENTIRE Nation of VIolence
Joe kills the shit out of Eric to begin with.  Eric gets some minor offense, but Tattoed Joseph kicks him over the top rope, then follows him out.  Young strikes with a wuss shot, then another, which Joseph nosells and kills him.  OH NOEZ THE CHAIR!  He sets up a chair.
Eric hits Joe's head on the chais.  But Joe gets it up and OH SNAPSZ chucks it at Eric as he's on the apron.  Did you know that in WWE Wrestlemania X8 and XIX for the Gamecube, you could throw weapons at people?  Add to that the collision detection ability to break up ANY moves by ANYONE, and it was barrels of fun.
Cock-in-a clutch by Samoan Yusuf on Eric.  Eric dies.

Winnar: Taz's student
Thoughts: What was this, second match in 35 minutes?  It's a Christmas miracle!

Joe picks up Young over his shoulder to carry him out, presumably to make love to him and marry him.  But they live in Florida!

Commercials.  I go to get a drink and pause the Youtube video.
DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK Joe put Young in the trunk of a car, and Taz drove away.

INTERVIEW WITH STING AND TENAY!  Insanely ominous music plays almost as loud as Tenay.  Stink is surprised by his own decision.  UH OH!  Fake Sting has returned from WCW and Steve Borden is unawares!

Sting wonders if all the violence with Foley at the last PPV was worth it for the championship, even though he lost.  He claims he went to his hotel room, dazed and confused, lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling.  He leaves out the part where he cried and phoned up his mom whining and sobbing about losing.  PROVE ME WRONG!  As the dead wolverine would say.

Slammiversary promo features footage of Sting.

Lauren and Taylor Wilde on a secret surprise date waiting for her secret admirer!  THIS IS EXTREEEEEEME!  Wilde orders a white wine, Lauren a vodka tonic.  I figured it out---LAUREN IS HER SECRET ADMIRER!  Chris Abyss: "I'll take 'em both, I'm hardcore!"
UH OH DAFFNEY APPEARS!  She looks hot all gothy and pulling her own hair back crazy.  She threatens Taylor, then attacks her.  Wait... why is she attacking Taylor Wilde?  Maybe she just couldn't tell the two apart, just like me.
She backs away as Lauren threatens her with a cup, or a toilet paper tube, and Daffney leaves while laughing.
Don West: Yawn 

Jarrett driving children in his van.  His really LOVES children.  There's all children in the car, what the fuck, where's the mommy--oooohhhhhh....
Why in the hell did he bring up Foley's love for tweaking again?  Nipple tweaking with his oldest daughter.

Back to modern times (starring Charlie Chaplain) with Mr Ass James coming down to the ring.  He chose "Vampire Diva" for his ring entrance in Create an Entrance.  Fifty bucks blah blah.

Awesome Kong vs Bad Ass Billy Gunn
Don West wants Kong jailed for killing the shit out of Velvet My Pie Sexy and the slave girl.  He's right--Spike TV has a policy against male on female violence!
"Welcome back" chants for the new Age outlaw.  He pushes Kong in a corner, then proceeds to run away to bitch at Cheerleader melissa, and KONG smashes into him, puts him into position for a BUTT SLAM and BUTT SLAMS him.  Kong pounds on him in the turnbuckle.
He puts Kong in a chokeslam position, but gets lowblowed because Angelina Love clearly wants him to lose by getting up on the apron and bitching at the ref.  And yet the ref sees her chairshot him and does nothing.  In which case it wouldn't have even made a difference.  What?

Chair on James' head, splashed by Kong, then she does it again.  It's a Stretcher match, too.

Winnar: Kong
Thoughts: That picture of Angelina Love Kong is holding is rather messed up and bent around.  I wonder what she's been doing with itusing it to masturbate her giant Kong clutch.
Backstage with Steiner talking with Sharmell, who is much less of a bitch than Jenna Fleshlight and agrees to go to this whole thingy willingly.

For some reason, there was a "moments ago" Team Dudley talking about tag team wrestling.  They get randomly attacked by a Roman and two Britons.  One of them throws a briefcase at Buh Buh, who catches it, t hen gets attacked.  Jump-cut to mid-beat up.  Oh wow, they're actually cutting up this thing like an XPW match?  Cut again and the British are leaving, like less than ten seconds after killing Team 3D.  Sheik Abdul Jabbar and some random person just walk through for absolutely no reason.  What.

MORE CROSS THE LINE CAM!  Don West: There's another one?
Jeff Jarrett in Nashville at night, having fun.  He's gonna be driven by OH MY GOD IT'S SOME KIND OF LITTLE MINI MONSTER THING IN A GOCART THING!  Oh, they call them "little people" or "midgets".
Some guy in a saloon has paintings of SUPER FAMOUS NASHVILLE CELEBRITIES!  Merle Haggard, Jimmy Fallon, Larry the Cable Guy, and Jeff Jarrett.  Jesus...
Jarrett found a bigger pussy cat than Mick Foley---some kind of baby jaguar thing.  What?

WHOA JARRETT RUNS INTO BORAST!  He's in a nude karaoke bar.  He begs Jarrett to pay his bill.  He's both drinking and singing.  NUKE KARAOKE!
Bnack to ring, British people come in.  I realized this a while aog, but I say it now---Brutus "Mangus" looks like a stereotypical ugly British person.  Or like the character Jonathan in "The Mummy" series, but with a bigger head.  He also wiggles his head a little when standing on the turnbuckle.  It's ugly.

Red comes in, then Suicide randomly appears on the announcers table, squatting down with his butt in West's face.  WEST is now ABSOLUTELY SURE it's Daniels.  He can smell the curry from his ass.
Someone in the audience has a sign of Suicide that looks pretty much like Spiderman with Suicide's face.  Is that really how they view Suicide?

The British Invasion vs Awesome Red and Suicide
Fight starts with Suicide and Random Brit.  Considering the video quality, I'm not able to tell who it is.  Oh, West says it's Doug Williams.  I don't know who that is.
Jonathan Hammond tagged in, beats up on Suicide, but Suicide reverses an armdrag.  Close-up of a retarded pre-teen nerd fan with his tongue out.  Suicide beats up on one of them, then Red randomly comes in for no reason and Brutus Mangus just fucking kicks his fucking head off with a boot that flips him.  OWNED!
Suicide randomly disappeared and now double team on Red.  Doug and MARCVSIVNIVSBRVTVS shake hands all sleazy British "ello!" like and smile for the camera.  Now the Roman beats on Red.  I can't tell if he---oh wait, it's Doug.  Fuck.
Something happened and now Red and the other guy are dead.  HOT TAG to both people, Suicide and Doug Williams, but Suicide dominates.  SMALL PACKAGE fail.  Suicide springboard elbows Doug, then goes for a Death Valley thing.  Rolling samoan dorp?  Something.  Kenton bomb?  Missile dropkick by Red on Brutus Magus, then does a flippy-dippy frontflip on him from inside to outside the ring.
MURDIR CITY MACHINE GUNS COME IN RANDOMLY AND KILL THE SHIT OUT OF THE SELFKILLER!  Williams pins and tags.  You really think these Brits are going to win the tournament?  HAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Winnar: The ugly-ass Brit and the other Brit.

Thoughts: Post match shenanigans!

Sabin and Robot kill Red, then signal they will unmask Suicide.  Mike Awesome better run.  Team Blackness arrives in the ring, too.  Suicide acts like he's cornered despite having the ring ropes behind him.  He could literally turn, jump out, and just fucking leave.
Fans chant "TAKE IT OFF!" as the four of them dominate Awesome and prepare to take the mask off.  OH MY GOD, CHIN! 
Christopher comes out, making people all like "OH MY GOD DANIELS ISN'T SUICIDE LAWL!"
Don West earns his heel color status by saying: "I admit there's some confusion; I'm still convinced that's Daniels in the Suicide costume, but WHO THE HELL IS THAT IMPERSONATING DANIELS?!"
Tenay literally just says "YOU'RE SUCH an IDIOT!"

Some asshole in the crowd is whistling ear-splittingly.  DANIELS DANIELS and Suicider pose in the ring.  There are only two prime suspects: Al Snow and Mike Awesome.  It has to be one of those two people, and not Frankie Kazarian.


WEBOGRAPHY with SABIN.  He's been to Canada.  Exact words: "yay." in a dull monotone.  His favorite game is Final Fantasy 6, and the name Sabin is from that.  WAIT, YOU MEAN HIS REAL NAME ISN'T CHRIS SABIN!?!?!?  STOP SHOOTING!!
I LOVE HIM!  One of his favorite movies is "Children of Men".  That was the best movie of 2006 for me.

Main Event Mafia promo.

Backstage with Jenna Fleshlight and Queen Sharmell and Scott Steiner.  Sharmell wants the biotch to apologize.  The fleshlight squeals in such a shrill voice I can't understand her.  Steiner squeals as well and calls for help.  Segment starts and ends in around 25 seconds.
NO RIMIT comes out
Handy Capable Match: No Rimit vs Kevin Nash

West calls all women crazy.  The jap with the orange tights attacks first, then double team poetry in motion on him, but with a dropkick.  Then the red-tighted one gets a dropkick on Kevin Nash that was slow in flight, and hard in impact.  Some kind of attempt at a springboard toprope elbow thing on Nash is EASILY countered into a chokeslam.
Nash gets the other one and starts slamming his knee into his gut, followed by an elbow.  Sort of nudges him out of the ring.  THen slowly catches the other one, and does a side slam.
Irish whip and big boot by Nash, then pulls down the straps of his tights.  Then he takes off his elbow brace thing apparently covering his staph infected elbow, that he once said looked like a bullethole.  Boy, I'm feeling awfully tired.  Jackknife powerbomb into a pin and win

Winnar: Kevin Nash
Thoughts: What was that for?  And what happened to that whole dealy of him wanting to put over the younger talent?

Post-match, Nash gets on microphone, talks about world running on violence, then calls out THE ENTIRE NATION OF VIOLENCE for a match at Sacrifice.  HOW WILL HE TAKE ON AN ENTIRE NATION IN A WRESTLING MATCH?  Good luck everyone who buys that pay per view for that match.

Back to Foley's office, where he's watching the DVD on his laptop, and talking to someone.  OH GOD, IT'S SOMEONE FAMOUS, ISN"T IT!?  It's MISTER SOCKO!  T-N-A!  T-N-A!  T-N-A!  NEW WORLD CHAMPION RIGHT THERE!

AJ Styles talking with Lauren.  Main eventer who?  He's been preparing for a match with fucking Jethro Holiday his whole life?  He's had many opportunities to say "Ah Quee-it".  He says match is about heart.  Booker T's ego is as big as AJ's heart.  Either Booker is quite humble and modest, or AJ better see a doctor.
Oh wait, he's not wrestling Jethru.  Booker T is.

Jethro Tull vs Booker T.  I quit.

Yeah.  I quit.

I could be watching better shit than this right now.  Like "The Greatest Superstars of the 90s" on DVD I just got two days ago or so.  Or "The Greatest Superstars of the 80s" I got a month before.  Or Cyberslam 96 or Cyberslam 98 ECW on DVD I got months earlier.  Or "Edge: Decade of Decadence", or "The Life and Times of Mr Perfect"
Holy shit, if we're covering WWE DVD compilations I have, why don't we start with fucking Bret Hart one, or Ric Flair's four disc monstrosity?  Or that out of print Triple H: The Game?  Or maybe get started on finishing off the hundreds of PPVs from WWE, TNA, ECW, post-ECW, ROH, and independent things I still haven't watched?

Okay back to match after my break.
Trevor Murdoch is asked to quit.  He says instead "Sharmell looks good naked".  Well at least he's not a racist redneck.
He somehow gains the advantage and is punching on Booger T.  It's only 4:16 PM and I'm already feeling sleepy.  And I woke up at noon or 1pm.  One of them.  Does Booker give up?  "Hell no" he says
Jethro Tull does a very slow-moving clothesline that Booker slightly oversells for by flipping and such.  Hits Tull with a chair, then goes for the scissory kick.  IT'S NOT AN AXE KICK, YOU FUCKS.
Quit, Tull?  Nope.  He says "I'm done", and the match somehow ends.  What?

Winnar: No one.
Thoughts: Am I supposed to have them?  I really didn't even watch the match so much as I did look around my room, at the shelves full of unwatched wrestling DVDs.  And I made fun of Jethro being fat and slow and saying stuff instead of I, Quit.  Good times.

Mick Foley goes into the production truck to have them play the DVD of him beating up Jarrett, then threatens to fire the two of them after complimenting them if they don't air it.  That's very pleasant.

Mick Foley then comes out after a commercial thought and gets them to play the DVD.
Back from commercial, OH MY GOD IT'S SO HORRIBLE!  IT'S-IT'S- IT'S CROSS THE LINE CAM!  Jeff Jarrett in Nashville, the Asylum, where TNA used to play.  It's also where he had his second ever match.  He's sitting behind a chainlink fence inside somewhere, talks history in seconds.  Second dressing room he was ever in for his second ever match.
His grandma sold tickets at the box office there.  Aww, this is so sweet.  They are sweetening up the nostalgia for the inevitable BLAAAARGH!
Mick chokes Jeff from behind with some kind of wires.  Throws Jarrett into the chain link fence, talking trash, saying he respects his grandma, but he always hated his old man, Jerry Jarrett.  Beats up on Jeff.  Talks shit.  Says "this is where I starved!" and how the Asylum is where he made 25 dollars.  He then takes the camera from the nonexistent camera man to profile Jeff, and hit him.  GONZO STYLE!  Then he gives the camera back.
Foley beat on Jarrett's legs on the staircase.  Intermittent with the video is reaction shots of Foley in the iMPACT zone.  Video Foley calls the Asylum a dump.
Foley apparently IS partially responsible for that video.  I don't get this where he says "Sometimes you -can't- go home again".  What?
Don West will see if he can get that DVD on ShopTNA.com so everyone can buy it.  Boring.
Stuff that makes you stay awake: That match with Chris and Christopher.  Nude Karaoke.
Stuff that makes you drowsy: Pretty much everything else?  Perhaps.  That video was kind of boring.  Wasn't anything particularly brutal.  It was brutal to watch.  Nash vs No Rimits was very sleep-inducing.  I still haven't recovered from my exhaustion.  I feel about to pass out.  Oh god.
Stuff that sums up the night and my thoughts for the night: What's Ryan Reynolds' appeal?

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



WELCOME ONE AND ALL, because I know there's at least one, and over all, THIS IS TNA (iMPACT RECAP) by ANDARIEL HALO and not Jose Presley.

Well if you're staring at my review now, you'll notice the iMPACT Zone is empty.  Or at least the TV you'd see it through.  That's because this portion here is being written TWELVE HOURS BEFORE IMPACT!  So expect a PLAY BY PLAY of the day's events counting down until iMPACT!  Every episode of IMPACT is like Wrestlemania to me!  It's just too bad that every episode happens to be Wrestlemania IX~!
So it's 9:26, let's look at what's on MSN!

Is Lindsay Lohan flirting with Jared Leto!?  BIG-ASS NEWS!  And it just so happens Jared Leto is my number one man-crush love whom I love so much and he's so sexy.  And Lindsay Lohan can look presentable with enough makeup and less heroine.  So...


WIKIPEDIA news page now.  The European Parliament has banned the import of seal products, prompting the Canadian Government to be all like "Eh, eh?  You're going to brook down our economy, eh?" Canadian racism is so easy.  They have a LEAF on their national flag.  What in the shit is that?  Virginia's state flag has teh motto "Sic Semper Tyrannus", a democratic slogan meaning "Thus Always to Tyrants" and freedom and such, and Canada has a fucking LEAF!  America's entire flag has symbolic meaning!  The stripes being 13 for the 13 colonies that started it, the 50 stars, one for each state, red meaning our warrior power, white being our desire for peace, and blue being our burden for justice!
And Canada has a fucking leaf.  Eh?

The Soviet Union had fucking farmers tools on its flags that could double for weapons!  The sickle for the peasants, the hammer for the proletariat, linked together symbolizing unity between the peasants and proletariat, with a red star representing communism.
What does your little leaf mean, Canada?  That you'll wither up and be blown away by a mild gust of wind?  Doctor Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.

4:31 pm, my knee hurts, my stomach hurts, my neck hurts.  I'm feeling testy.

SHOW START!  Big-ass promo showing stuff, including the time I missed where Mick Foley HIT KURT ANGLE WITH A CHAAAAAAIR!  Tonight's episode: Mafia Reloaded.  Will wait till November when Mafia Revolutions comes out.
MAIN EVENT MAFIA IS OUT!  NO WAY I'M WATCHING LAST WEEK'S SHOW DAMMIT!  Oh wait no, Stinnk is out here with the rest.  The Mem get their own spiffy logo on the name bar.  It says "Mem".
Kurt Angle talks a lot of shit and mentions that he'll give up the Don-ship of the Mem to whoever pins him at Sacrifice.  THAT IS HIS SACRIFICE!
Mick Foley is called out, and he comes out with DANIEL DANIELS.  Apparently there's going to be some 10 man tag team thing on iMPACT!  Maybe tonight.  Who the fuck is "we" Foley?  TNA Frontline is back?  Oh name dorpping---consequences.  That means' Consequences Creed will be involved.  HAI WAIT A MINUTRE!  Now Foley remembers HITTING ANLGE WITH A CHAAAAAAIR!?  I call BS---we just saw last week he...
Foley is talking sane now.  Sane Foley is a sad Foley.

Foley finally acknowledges DANIELS DANIELS, puts him over, puts over people like him, like the guy I now learned is NOT "A Joey" Styles, but in fact a completely different Styles.  Oh my goodness.  Double J will be here.  Funeral will be here.  MAY 24th is SACRIFICE!  You know what I Sacrificed last May 24th?  My virginity.  For the whole of mankind.  OH SNAPSZ, MICK FOLEY = GODFATHER OF MEM?  IT COULD HAPPENNOT.

Jeff Jarrett comes out.  Contrary to WWE-ness, it's only been 10 minutes, but still... NO TOTOAL NONSTORP WRASSLING!  Old joke.  Expect it to be repeated every time no wrestling occurs.  Jarret hates Foley.  Foley is all business, nevar personal.  Jeff tells Foley to kiss his ass, as part of business, then tries to leave, but Angle stops him, and remarks that rather than kiss oen another's rear ends, they should prepar for their tag match.

Samoa Joe is his own nation?  He got dorpped off by Potentially-Taz.  Can Taz even reach the gas pedal?  HAHA midget joke.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS: Yeah, it's completely the dog's fault he got frozen by Kingons and thus didn't stop them from abducting the girlfriend he told them to take.  Fuck you, prick.

What's with DANIELS DANIELS' trucker mustache?  Combine that with his "unmistakeable" ass, and he's not gonna have a fun time at Folsom prison.

LESS WRESTLING, MORE PROMOS!  Recap of Motor Guns accuzationing DANIELS DANIELS of being Suicide.  Boy, you've lost weight, Mike Awesome!  And a full five inches in height!

Good God, Creed's music has gotten worse.

Lethal Consequences Creed (Macho Man Black Savage and Truth or Consequences Creed) vs
Oops, wait
Consequencesz Creed vs Suicide
Lights go out, Suicide randomly appears on the turnbuckle.  Boy, you've lost weight, Mike Awesome!  The black ones are scared of the red white and blue one.  YOU PHEAR AMERICA?!
lock-up from behind and Suicide gets him, Creed reverses, Suicide takes down by the leg, they both go, uh oh.  Too fast action.  Pin, fail, only one, suicide on Creed.  Victor Creed gets irish whipped, clotheslined on turnbuckle, STO, pin, two.  STOP SHOOTING, WEST!  DANIELS DANIELS HAS USED STO AND SUICIDE USES STO?!  CONSPIRACY!  Suicide gets knocked down, pinned, fail.
Creed series of shots on Suicide, kicks him down n such, steps on Suicide's back and dorps an elbow on him.  OWNT.  "Suicide still has life"  "Not much life"  Tenay first, West second.  Jesus.  A better person than me can make some lame suicide jokes there.
More punches, dorpkick by Suizide, some weirdy-beardy move where he grabs Creed's head like in a stunner, then runs forward and dorps his face in the turnbuckle pad on the second buckle.  Dorp Dorp DORP!

Non title means this match sucks.  Sure, it's technically sound, but why the fuck should I care?  Suicide fails to commit, and Creed aims for half of LAX, but fails.
I missed the last move cos I was busy taking my pants off, but Suicide won

WINNAR: Suizide
Thoughts: West is right.  Daniels IS resilient.

Video package for Mick Foley.  Fun fact: I bought his two novels "Tietam Brown" and "Scooter".  What do you think of that?  What do you think of that?  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MOTHERFUCKER>!?!

In the back now with BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE in Foley's office.  Foley asks what he wants him to do about it.  Obtain his DNA?  Speaking of DNA TNA, he makes another acronym with ES - Executive Shareholder.  And not Eel Semen, as I originally thought.  Aw man, now he says ES again, and I imagine Mick Foley squeezing the spunk from a Moray Eel.  JB be's a bitch on Foley, apparently trying to sell Morgan being a 7 foot monster joining the Mem.  FUCK OFF JB, YOU SHOE-POLISH SMELLIN MOTHERFUCKER!

Commercialsz again.

Commercial Thoughts: By "cold activated can", I expect it to mean the can won't open until it's cold.  That sounds great.

Back with the Beautiful People.  They tell Lauren to shut up, and are apparently worked up over something.  Madison is not with them today?  Oh my.. Oh my I'm so sorry.  Sexy Sexy Slave Girl has passed away.  She will be missed.  Who was she?  I agree with the ugly one; there is no difference between Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong.

WRESTL--- NOPE!  Backstage interview with Mike Tenay and Kurt Angle.  They say it's the Mem, and they're all there, but KIRK ANGEL IS THAR BESIDE HIM!  Angle wants the mem to hold every title at the same time.  Frontline?  What the hell is that?  Biggest in-faction feud is Jenna vs Sharmell.  Are they serious?  Oyyy..god....
Hahaha, Booker and Nash are sitting at opposite ends of the chair-line.
Kurt Angle will show his love for Sting by whipping Mick Foley's butt and winning a championship for it.  Wrestling's not gay.
Scott Steiner bluh bluh.  When the hell did this feud with Jeff Jarrett start?

Taylor Wilde being useless speaking to Lauren, I think.  Taylor Wilde has a secret admirirerrrrrrrrr!  She wants Lauren to come with her on Tuesday to meet her admirer.  This is TRULY the greatest episode of TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING ever.


Random Me Thoughts: Believe it or not, girls CAN use a urinal.  I only know because I piss in my bathroom sink on a regular basis.  It's not that I'm lazy; it's that I just don't care.

This TNA iPhone game immediately looks to be insanely better than the the Midway game, because you can make your own storylines.

JB in the back with Jeff Jarrett, talking about TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING business.  He will deal with Foley on his own time, and he has a match now.  ORLY?  ORLY?!
JB asks why Foley is booking SECURITY GUARDS in wrestling matches when TNA has a lockerroom full of wrestlers, and Jarrett snaps at him and tells him to leave.  STOP SHOOTING, JB!!!!!!!!!!

Mick Foley likes to tweak things.  Like nipples.  I bet he likes to tweak those.

Matt Morgan comes out with a robe decorated with DNA.  Unfortunately, it's just pictures of DNA strands, and not crusty white DNA patches.
Morgasm is turning up the killswitch on the security guard, who puts on a headlock after being shoved over, then irish whipped, shouldered, and Morgan headbutts and taunts.  Taunts again as the other guy tags in the other guy, who looks to be even more obese.  Big Rocco attempts to grapple, but they push back.  Rocco is 400 pounds?  Fatty.
Morgan shows some high fly-y by doing a reversal thingy on the... fuck it.  He does chokeslam on fatty, then pulls him up for a power bomb, but the other guy runs in and stops him.  Starts fake slapping and stomping him.  The other guy gets out of the ring.  Since when did he tag in?  WAKE THE FUCK UP, REFEREE!  The fat guy who never tagged out tags in the fat guy who never tags in, then goes to the top turnbuckle, for Morgan to slam him down.  Irish whip, Iris h whip one guy on the other, I'm missing a lot of the action.  Bicycle kick on him, but they call it a Carbon footprint.  Referee counts a 4 count.  I am not kidding.  It was a 4 count.  Morgasm wins.

Thoughts: who?

MICK FOLEY NEEDS MORE TWEAKING!  JB will Twitter his tweak.  Tweet the twitter of his tweak.  Foley tell shim to shut his mouth.  FOLEY DOES NOT WANT MORE SHENANIGANS AND BANS JEFF JARRETT.....'S GUITAR.  Referees will have to escort the guitar out from ringside area whent his match starts.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHTSZ: Kingons jack your shit, and pull a Mick Foley on you if you resist.  As in tweak your nipples.  Why in the fuck is "tweaking" tonight's theme?

Back.  Thoughts with Ee Why and Jethro Tull.  They beat someone in the TAG TEAM INVITATIONAL TOWEL HEAD.  After Eric Young says shit with his flawed logic, it's JETHRO'S TIME TO SHINE!  He gives Lauren the swine flu.  KILLER PROMO!  LITERALLY!

Team the Dudley Boys come out for some reason.  Then Bear Money.  James Swift leaves a beer bottle next to the metal cup for the tournament.

BEER MONEYS vs Eric Young and the Outlaw Jethro Tull
You know what, Mike Tee En Ay, you ARE right!  Why would Team D3 want to help other tag teams?  Match going on, I missed a lot of shit, but now it's Robert Rude and Eric Young, irish whip, young counters, double team on Yung.  Spine buster on him, pin, two.  UH OH, REFERENCE TO WWE!  Jim Ross says he doesn't think tag team wrestling isn't coming back any time soon.  Team 3D says tag team wrestling is a prioerity in TNA.  No.  It's not.
Roode dominating Jung.  Pins young, then goes for a rest hold chinlock chokey thing.  This match seems to be less of a match and more of a "LISTEN TO THE DUDLEY BOYS TALK ABOUT TAG TEAMS".  Fail-sauce by Robert Roode leads to belly to belly slam by WEric Young.  Jethro tull gews the HOT TAG and is like a BARN OF FIRE.  Rude clotheslines Swift, Tull atomic dorps Rude, then back body dorps.  Dorp Dorp DORP!  Pins James Swift, two.  Rude retaliates.  Backstabber mix with clothesline double team on Jethro Tull, irish whip, he catches the ropes.  Blind tag by Eric Young who dorp kicks one, scoop slams another, gets on the turnbuckle and OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
I don't care.
HAHAHAH!  I don't care!
UH OH, TAG TEAM ISSUES!  Jethro Tull about to get them DQ'd, when Eric Young touches, and Tull attacks him, distracting him long enough for Beer Money to steal teh win for 3.  Dudley Boys approve of heel tactics.

WINNAR: James Swift and Rick Rude.
Thoughts: Fifty bucks on Beer money winning the tournament.  You honestly think fucking BRITISH INVASION or Amazing Red and Suicide will win this thing?
Backstage with Oresum Kung and Cheerleader Melissa, who head-towels-it-up.  UH OH KONG TALKS!  Big mistake.  She says something approximating "DUMB BLOOONDE... DEAD BLOOOONDE?"  With a literal upward inflection at the end, as if asking a question?

It's been one hour and only two matches thus far.  This job is easy.  I expect to be paid eventually.  IN PENNIES.  Clean ones, only.  Shiny and bronze.

Commercial Thought: I'm thinkin Arby's --sucks!

ANOTHER stretcher match?  Jee whiz.  Vince Russo

Awesome Koong vs Velvet Pie
Hebber sends Raesha Saeed to the back.  Angelina Love too.  OWNED BITCH, OWNED!
Awesome Kong attacks, Velvet strikes but Kong KONGS UP.  Or maybe just no-sells.  Stands there, grabs Velvet by hair, tugs her down.  Beats her down a bit.  Implant buster, Don west remarks Velvet's implants are beautiful.  STOP SHOOTING, WEST!!!!!!!
Killshit on Velvet Sky, and crowd chants ONE MORE TIME again.  I get the feeling they don't like these women.  West believes she will not have any implants left if she's beaten down by Kong that much.
You know what?  This is exactly the exact same match as last week, only with Implant busters in place of Batista bombs.

Thoughts: Naw, I lied.  It was Kong.

Random Random Thoughts: "Star Trek" and "Command & Conquer" are very strongly related.  Kirk's middle name is "Tiberius" which is the name of the Roman Emperor, named after the river Tiber, where the asteroid hit in the 90s which brought the green ichor to earth known as Tiberium, labeled as such by Kane (not the fat one, but this one IS bald).  Also, George Takei played Emperor Yoshiro in Red Alert 3.


Chris Abyss whining about something too Mr Richards.  Who the fuck is Michael Scott?  Oh, Chris Abyss is talking about The Office.  CONSPIRACY!  I made an Office reference last week.
OH NOEZ DAFFNEY ARRIVES!  They gonna fuck, creating tension with Lauren.  CONTROVERSY!  RANDOMLY SHRIEKED NOUNS!

I'm having flashbacks.  I KNEW I should've taken that acid in high school!  Now I'm probably going to think I have cancer, because I just saw Creed and Lethal enter before.  Oh wait, they come out again.  WRESTLIIIIING!
They call out Christopher.

Victor Creed puts over Christopher's achievements, and Blacko Man Jay Savage accuses Daniel Daniel of being Suicide.  Sabretooth mentions how they hate the Gunsz.  Macho Black Man says he's... Kabuki?  Calls Daniels Daniels a "sape-sifter" now.  Okay, seriously, was the real Macho Man this mush-mouthed?
Daniels Daniels owns Sabretooth verbally by claiming he should worry more about beating Suicide rather than WHO IS SUICIDE.  Black Macho Man Randy Savage stops that shit cold and starts rambling stuff.  References Savio Vega randomly, then accuses Daniels Daniels of being a self-killer.  Daniels Daniels has no time for jokes?  Calls him the biggest joke in TNA.  STOP SHOOTING!  UH OH, LETHAL DORPS THE GIMMICK AND CALLS HIM A JOKE.  Murdur City Machines come out.

Robot Shelley claims its a family show.  He then proceeds to say "shut up" and a very long curse word that was censored from Spike TV.  He's awesome.  More accusing Daniels Daniels of being Suicide and stealing Sabin's title, which due to the theft, is a lot less sexy now.  His words.  "It's a lot less sexy now".  Ay, so seeexyyy, mi hijo!  Satan claims he will expose Daniels Daniels and give everyone tickets to a gun show.  FREE GUNS?!  YAYAYAYAYA!

Jeff Jarrett AGAIN backstage.  He STILL hasn't gotten dressed for his match.  JB mentions the locker room is upset that Foley books security guards instead of wrestlers.  STOP SHOOTING!!!!!  First female Monster's Ball match at Sacrifice?  How is this BAD, John Borash?  I hate you, you racist.  Since when does Foley have more power than Jarrett?  Why doesn't he just FIIIII-YUUUUUUUUUR HIIIIIIM-UUUUUUH!?  Since he has so many problems with Foley, FUCKING FIRE HIM!  He's a fucking Eel Sperm, not the owner and CEO of the company!
Stink offers to kill Foley, and says he will MAKE A SACRIFICE!  More gimmicks, Russo?  Why in the fuck is this guy not fired from everything?
TNA Thoughts: I always figured it was a smarky joke that "oh hey TNA doesn't make any sense, hahahahaa!" and that it would occasionally be a little funny off, but this week and last week?  Come the fuck on.  I do not exaggerate when I, noted leading asshole of the site forums and all-around lunatic, say that this show is looking like it's being written by twelve year olds.  And not the typical "YAYAY I'M AN IDIOT WHO CRAPS MYSELF" I mean literal 12 year olds all like "Okay okay... so now... the BIG guy slams the BIGGER guy... and --"  "Wait wait, didn't that bigger guy claim he was the big guy's friend last week?"  "PSH!  S... SHUT UP!"

Angelina Love whines and bitches about being the only Horrible Person left.  Lauren laughs at her.

UH OH, REFERENCE TO TNA FRONTLINE.  In fucking HOUSE SHOWS!  TNA Frontline only appears in fucking HOUSE SHOWS.  Prepare to be released, Frontline.  Is this supposed to be some kind of feud between them and the Memmies?\

Main event morfia promo

Main Event Mafia come back out.  Kur...
Oh god.  I never even noticed it before.  Kurt Angle has fucking shrunk.  His arms are shrimpy and his neck is at least 2/3rds the size it was in the WWFE.

How funny that they claim Samoa Joe is "from the Nation of Violence" when he fucking IS the nation of violence.  You can't be "from" yourself, fucker.
Main Event Mafira vs Samoan Joseph and AJ Snyles and Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrettttt and DANIELS DANIELS

Commercials, then back to amtch in progress.  I'm signed out by this point, so bored.  Still, FOR YOU (and for the money I hope to pretend to receive), I suffer.

Right now it's Scott Steiner berating on Daniels before Angle comes in all skinny and holy shit his left arm is so puny, it looks diseased.  Kurt beats on him but then Daniels reverses and gets him.  Arm wrench, AJ on the turnbuckle, gets Angle rushed into him, AJ drives him onto Christopher's knees.  Pin, but only two.  Christopher tags out to AJ, and Kurt beats him up and tags in Booger T.  AJ styles reverses, scoop slams booker, get sa big-ass knee on Booker.  Pin, two.  Chinlock!  by AJ on Booger.
More commercials.  Bathroom break.  I must brush my teeth and piss in my sink.

Back. Kevin Nash was doing something, but then Daniels Daniels came in, then AJ, and then Booker T and Kurt Angle double teamed.  Scott Steiner tagged in.  Kicks AJ's abdomen.  Tells the other guys on the other team to shut up when AJ reaches for them.  Pins AJ, Joe tries to break up but he's a fat piece of shit, so he basically steps all over the referee.  I'm serious.  Kurt Angel tagged in.
Good God, his arm is so fucking skinny.  It's scary.  BOTH his arms are skinny.  It's disgusting.  Failed Olympic Slam equals PELE from AJ Sttyles.  Both men down.  White Night.  Get that reference?  E-mail me and win a prize.  Mick Foley and Sting in, Mick Foley hits neckbreaker, but JEFF JARRETT RANDOMLY ENTERS AND BEATS UP ANGLE.  Why in the fuck did he even pin Angle if he didn't tag in?  Joe randomly comes in.  STOP SHOOOOTING WEST!!!!  He mirrors my thoughts by saying they're not even following rules, just randomly coming in whenever they want.

Kirk Angel is alone with Jeff Jarrett.  Ooooo heeheeheee... UH OH BARBED WIRE BAT, and Mick Foley is NOT AMUSED.  Literally takes it and says "MY BAT!".  OH SNAPSZ Jarrett attacks Foley, slams him on barbed wire, Sting goes for sudden pin and Jarrett literally has his fucking eyes on Sting, LOOKS AWAY, and fucking DIVES ON KURT ANGLE FOR NO REASON.

Thoughts: It was fun, red towel, but now is your turn to be washed, and I shall begin using yellow towel to dry myself off from showers.

Joe screams at Jarrett.  DANIELS DANIELS and the others pantomime with Jarrett, wondering why they lost.  ANARCHY!  CONSPIRACY!  CONTROVERSY!  CASH!  JOHNNY CASH!

Okay, show's technically over, but we're back form commercials for more TNA bullshit.

Sting in the ring alone.  Tells Mick he has good news and bad news.  Good news: Sting gets into foursome with Mick at Sacrifice.  Man orgy?  Oh wait, it's a match.  Jarrett says if he won, he gets into match.  Stink must make a SACRIFICE.  CREED MY SACRIFICE.  CONSPIRACY!  CONSEQUENCES VICTOR CREED SABRETOOTH SACRIFICE!@
If anyone pins Sting, he'll retire.  Stink dorps microphone and leaves.  They zoom in on barbed wire bat.
Cocaine: The flippy-dippy-doo of that first match.  And the main event was fun.

Heroin: The realization that TNA IS as fucking retarded as the smarks claim it is.  Two hours and three real matches.  Fucking shitloads of promos and backstage bullshit.

Concerta: This job ought to be easy!

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.



Hi.  WELCOME TO MY RE-DEBUT!  I call it that because I really debuted many months ago with my GUEST COLUMN!  Remember it?  It was just an external link to a Youtube video I made?  Music video for "Drunken Irish Dad" featuring Finlay and Hornswoggle.  I CLING TO THAT FAME LIKE A GREEN SNAKE ON A SUGAR CANE!
And before you read it, I know many will say "You pathetic crumb-bum, you steal jokes from people and are a blatant rip-off of Canadian Bacon!"  Well I'll say to you "ANARCHY!!!11" And I'll also say I was around BEFORE the Bacon.
And before you be all like "WHAT!  You just blatantly lied about something that can easily be disproven!  Is that your stupid gimmick now?  Blatantly lying and sticking to your lies like it's the truth, no matter what evidence proves you wrong?  You suck, you chronic liar and chronic masturbator!" to which I'll say "What gimmick?"
Courtesy of the ironically named "WWEUploader22222", because I'm presuming either there are already twenty-two thousand, two hundred and twenty one others, or because those others got all banned, I bring to you TNA iMPACT!  From April 30, 2009!  Presuming that is indeed today's date, because it's May.  So since this episode took place in April, and it is now May, logic dictates this is a month outdated.
Before I get started, I should note, the comments for the video sound hilarious when you read them from most recent to oldest---- "Funny, you write like a 12 year old." someone writes.  Out of context, it sounds like they're addressing me.  HAHAHA!  Fandom!  Pre-debut publicity!
Big-ass pyro and ballyhoo (because that joke is not yet worn to death) and one guy in the crowd is so overcome with marking out that he has his arms raised to the heavens, as if proclaiming to God just how awesome and wonderful life is if indeed only for that one moment in time!  Bliss, awe, and glory!
And then comes the Main Even Mafia coming out to kill the audience.  Maybe it's the video quality, but the crowd doesn't seem to care enough to even boo.
Mike Tenay is saying something, but I can't understand it. 
Kurt Angle on the microphone, claims he is the GODFATHER of the Main Even Mafia!  Yeah, why the Godfather?  His words: "Because I own The Godfather on Blu-Ray AND DVD, it's real, it's DAMN real!"  Except he said something completely different.  Still, RESPECT!  Respect him.  Now suddenly Kurt Angle doesn't hate Mick Foley, so long as Foley RESPECTS him.  I find it hilarious that they cut to a shot of Booker T with a fucking LOLLIPOP in his hand!  Seriously, the fucker's sucking on a LOLLIPOP during a big-time serious butthurt promo with SERIOUS ANGLE!
ANOTHER cut to him with the lollipop in his mouth.  Kurt Angle says he's gonna go into Foley's office and employ some wrestler called "Hostile Takeover".  I hope he makes a great debut.  Mick Foley screwed The Godfather, and Kurt is gonna slice him up with a rose's thorn.  I think I misinterpreted some of that.

He clearly wasn't paying attention; just like me.  His exact words: "What'd he say?"  HE'S GONA TAKE OVER THE OFFICE?!  "Who's office?!"  THE OFFICE!  THURSDAY NIGHTS ON NBC!  SAVE STEVE CARELL!
Jeff Jarrett barges in, asking what he's doing.  Foley  claims it's his office, and talks about his stitches, which I know from super-duper mind control retrospect, he will do several times again in the night.
No commercials!  Still, have a commercial thought: The  TV trailers for "Star Trek" make me not want to see that movie.  Ever.

BACK TO KURT!  Where's the nonstop action?  Kurt whines and talks about whipping Mick Foley's ass to become Champion at TNA Sacrifice.  SCOTT STEINER flips out very quietly and modestly, and Kurt talks to him. 
Seriously, I wasn't paying attention there.  I was busy with the fake commercial thought.
Jethro Tull and Eric Young beat No Rimits last week.  Oh hey, that's Trevor Murdoch as Jethro Tull.

Motor City Machine Guns w/ New Japan tiny titles for New Japan tiny waists vs THE INCREDIBLE AMAZING COLOR RED w/ Human form and Suicide
OH HEY AMAZING RED!  He seems to have fallen in a puddle of mediocrity, because he lost his headband and such and transmorphed into a generic clone.  But he has frilly tights!
Whip by Red to one of the murder guys.  He bounces down, whips, flippy-dippy, lots of fast. red armdrags from ropes.  Shelley tilt a whirls, pins, misses, side slam, misses, Red kicks in the face.  Space.
Red does stuff, and is now being LOCKED UP BY SHELLEY in a move made of "I'm a stupid idiot" by trapping his arms beneath his legs or some shit, then tags in Chris Satan.  Whirly-airplane head scissors from Red on Satan, and SUICIDE comes in.  Don West and Mike Tenay are talking about BRUTUS MANGUS, (their words), while SUicide kills the shit out of Satan and Red.  Pin, but two.
West is shocked that you can throw an 80 pound man so easily.  Well hey... you know.  Oh shit I missed stuff.  OH SNAPSZ!  Double head-kicks as Sabin hits him from in the ring on the turnbuckle, and the other guy hits him from the apron.  Hip toss and the Motor guns pose.  Now "Other Guy" is in with the Incredible Red.
These TNA fucks need some better chants.  What the hell kind of duel to "Let's Go Red!" is "Mo-tor City!".  They need some shit like "Fuck'm up, Shelley!" or something.  Arm drag into abdominal stretch by Sabin, who tagged in while I was ranting, and tosses to a turnbuckle.  Irish whip Shelley into Red's foot, then Sabin runs into Red's foot.  I'm not even sure he loweres his leg, so why in the hell even run to it?
Suicide in and kills everyone, does a weak-ass move that still gets people cheering.  The Motor city guns start dominating Suicide, and smack him with a slice of bread.  Or maybe Sabin just flipped up the turnbuckle over Suicide.  Red in and kicks, Suicide weak as hell.

This is kind of long, and what difference does it make how much play-by-play you get?  To quote Mike Tenay completely out of context, "What match are YOU watching?"  Clearly not this one.  OH HEY, NICE TNA!  "Suicide Solution" is the name of Suicide's finisher.  GREAT MESSAGE TO THE KIDS!  Seriously, I love it.  Sue the parents if anyone complains!

Winnar: Suicide and The Incredible Red
Thoughts: West actually mirrors some of my thoughts.  I'm sick of Suicide's ass.  Or maybe he said "act".  Either one is fine.
Kurt Angle video package.  I wonder who this youngster is?  He's certainly gonna have a bright future in TNA some day, if he can ever break that glass ceiling of favoring older guys.

In the back with the Beautiful People (WOOAAAAAAL dundundunDUUUNdun.. the beautiful people, the beautiful people, it's all relative to the size of your steeple) Angelina hates on paper.  I agree with her; it's a fucking travesty Steve-O didn't win American Idol.  What fucking kind of competition has a Brit and a Hispanic as judges when it's AMERICAN idol?  They don't know America.  THEY DO NOT!
Wait, who's that third bitch with the group?  She looks frightened.  OH YEAH!  She's that slave girl they picked up to help them wash up in that one-person bathtub, what with rubbing oils into them... soaping up their backsides... helping scrub the shampoo in their long, luscious locks...
On to Dr Stevie and Chris Abyss promo.  Stevie beats on Abyss like a redheaded stepchild.  Chris Abyss squeals and wails and now that blonde girl is taking on the role of his girlfriend for real.
Still waiting for wrestling.  Oh hey, it's coming up.  Abyss vs Weapons.  That's how I heard it.  Seriously... gimmick match.  Fun times.  Abyss can't use weapons, but the other guy gets to.
WILD REDNECK ATTACK!  ODB and his boyfriend meet Abyss, and threatens to beat his ass.  Oooh yeah...beat his ass, "Deliverance" style.  If you know what I mean, hahahaha!.... buttrape.  Redneck buttrape.  That's what I mean.

OH I get it.  "Cody Deaner" sounds like "ODB", in the kind of way where if you're drunk and half-drowning in a pile of piss, it sounds alike.

Completely ill-placed commercial thought: "Battle for Terra"!  Humans vs Mermaids, the final battle in space.  Who will win?  No one.  Everyone loses.

And I just realized now, Kurt Angle is PLANNING a hostile takeover of Foley's office, not debuting a wrestler named "Hostile Takeover".
Oh holy shit, ANOTHER Kurt Angle video package!  This one is different.  Mike Tenay did his best impression of the play-by-play commentator for XPW.  You ever seen it, you get what I mean.
MORE promos!  Mick Foley approaches the Motor City Machine Guns.  Loves the double tope's they did.  He needs their help against Kurt Angle and Hostile Takeover.  Handicap match!  Kurt Angle and a verb versus these three!  The Machine Guns shoot down his idea (HAHA!  See what I did there?).  They will not defend him because they hate him.  They have issues with Suicide.  Fine and sexy.  They're shooting proverbial blanks.  Good for their girlfriends---all the sex they want and no kids.  Or wait... proverbial means the opposite of real.  OH BAZING!  "YOU have a nice day!" says one of them to Foley!  I see what he did there.

MORE PROMOS!  Alex Shelley wanted to be a robot.  But he said it was impossible, so he decided to be a wrestler.  Shelley... no.  We have the technology.  We can rebuild you.  WAIT LOOK, The DaColbert Code in action!  Six million dollar man was about a ROBOT guy, right?  And Stone Cold Steve Austin was a gimmick SIx MIllion Dolalr man, and he's a wrestler, and Shelley's a wrestler?!
End root: Alex Shelley is a robot.
Oh, and he wanted to be a firetruck, too.  Who fucking raised this kid?

Random Hygiene Thought: I agree with George Costanza.  Who cares if you piss in the shower?  It's all pipes!

Random Youtube Comment for pt 3/9: "nice to see Kurt Angle's new diet of AIDS."
Team 3D Invitational Tag Team Towel Head.
LAX w/o ative vs ...
Oh hey, LAX ain't coming out.  Someone dropped Homizide like he were hot!  And the British Invasion jacked their briefcase shit.  OH SHIT NIZZLE BIZZLE SHIBBITIES!  Now the British enter to LAX's music.
When the hell did the Roman join forces with two generic Britons to make this "Totally Not La-Resistance-Team-Canada Ripoff" group?
To the back where Hernandez speaks in Spanish to Homicide, and curses in Spanish, which they censor.

LAX w/o ative w/o Homicide vs England
Hernandez just knocked one of the brits in the fucking gut with a briefcase, and suicide dives on two of them  when they ditch the ring
UH OH, someone mis-titled their Youtube uploads.  5/9 skips the match I was covering.
MMm, here it is, someone else's video.

Hernandez starts off with a British guy, connects with spinning neck breaker and clubs him in a turnbuckle.  Irish whip[, brit reverses, hits him, tags in another Briton.  Or wait, did he?  Yeah, he did.  They look the same, but they got different names, I guess.  double team on Hernandez, Hernandez kicks one in the face after an irish whip, on the top rope, kicks both of them.  MAtALE LOS GRINGOS, CABRONE DE MIERDA!  PUTO CABRON!
British guy beats on Hernando now,.  tags in another British guy.  European uppercut.  Hernandez thwacks him.  British guy suplex.  Pin.  One.  Dot.  Dot.  Dot.  Commentary focuses on the Gunz hating Suicide.
Don West: "I'm pretty sure that the Guns have a good idea as to who's wearing that mask, and I'm gonna let you guys know, expect a blockbuster tonight"
If this Suicide is anything like my Suicide from the game, it's gonna be Mike Awesome.  AWWW YEEEAAH!
British powerslams Hernandez, then goes to turnbuckle.  Big stupid splash with him wiggling his arms around like a freak and Hernandez rolls away.  He hit the "L" button right in time.  Hernandez smacks, another Briton attacks, back body drop by ...
oh wait.  This is Homicide.  They beat down Hernandez.  This whole time it's been Homicide in the ring.

Homocize attacks a Brit on the ropes, but gets kicked down, double team attack, which Tenay calls a "european uppercut" off the top.  Honestly... If that's what it was, then it was a pretty useless addition to what was a "big fucking slam on the ground" by the other british guy.  Pin and Homicide loses.
Winnar: The gringoes
Thoughts: None.

Youtube Up-fuckery means that I miss stuff that happens, and jump into Oresum Kung's entrance in a STRETCHAR match!  She enters with a "blow up card" of Angelina Love in hand.  "Blow"..."up"..."card"?  I want one.  And make it anatomically correct.
"Kong's gonna kill you" chants.  Joe don't get that shit anymore, cos he's a fat piece of shit.
Referee clears out ringside area, so Raisha Saeed leaves, and now the Horrible People are gonna be forced away, too.  They ditch their sexy, sexy slave girl to be raped by Awesome Kung.  Holy fucking shit, a chokeslam hard enough to break backs on Sexy Sexy Slave Girl.
I take you up on your challenge, Tenay: let's see how many offensive moves Sexy Sexy Slave Girl gets in this match!  Thus far, none.  I won't be getting drunk tonight.  WHICH IS GOOD COOS I'M HARDCORE STRAIGHT-EDGE!
Kong keeps pulling Sexy Sexy Slave Girl off the stretcher before a 10 count.  Here comes a Batista Bomb (because the Awesome Bomb was on one shoulder, you angry angry people)  HAH!  Crowd chants "One More Time!" and West starts complaining
Teest bomb, and Sexy Sexy Slave Girl is ripe for raping.  One more time, indeed.  But no, she's on a stretcher, bloodied and cummy.  Or maybe neither.

Winnar: Awesome Kong
Thoughts: Sexy Sexy Slave Girl.  I have no thoughts.  The Horrible People meet her backstage and squeal a lot.
So it's been some... more than an hour.  And three matches; one of them a pointless squash?  Totoal Nonstop Wrestlling?  Mm.  That's an old joke, but still.
Main Event Morfia promo.  Consider this a third Kurt Angle promo for the night.

Murder Citry Machine Guns come out again.  Tenay calls him "masked man of mystery".  Dudes... it's Mike Awesome.  Okay?  I said so.
Robot Shelley orders everyone to shut up.  OH NOES, HE CALLED ONE-NAME "DANIELS" "CHRISTOPHER DANIELS!"  OH NOES, TENAY CALLS HIM "CHRISTOPHER DANIELS" AGAIN!  I thought they were going to leave him with just one name.  Good that they use his "first" name Christopher.
Mick Foley theorized that Suicide is Al Snow.  I'd believe that.  It clearly is someone OTHER than Christopher Daniels or Frankie Kazarian.  What?

Gunz talk about Christopher Daniels being feasted and fired, completely ignore Curry Man, but claim he wrestled in FMW or something, being paid in Pizza and Japanese Pro Wrestling T-shirts.  You know what, Shelley, Pizza and Japanese Pro Wrestling T-shirts CAN pay the bills, if you a hustla!

Sabin remarks that Christopher Daniels and Suicide look alike, and Quote of the night, Chris Sabin: "That ass is unmistakeable"
Oh yes, Sabin, God DOES know where Suicide comes from.  And remarks that people chant his name when Suicide is thar.  STOP SHOOTING, SABIN!! HURHURHURHURHURRRRRR!
TNA proves its insanity further by claiming Daniels found a "loophole" in the "being fired" thing by dressing up as Suicide and wrestling for so long.  Try to think on that for just a second, even as a mark.
Sabin pushes his microphone on Christopher Daniels's chest, Shelley claims "he already has a mic" and Sabin says "I just wanted to hit him".  Daniels OWES NO ONE EXPLANATIONS!  Back up, Sabin.  He tells Sabin to back up again, or he's gonna break his face.
Christopher Daniels has no time for video games or rappelling.  He has time to wrestle.  Robot Shelley just screams "YOU!" when Daniels tells him who he wants to know who Suicide is.  He screams in Daniels's face "WHO ARE YOU, SUICIDE?!"
Christopher Daniels says "I'm Daniels", and NOW HE BE ANGRY RAAARGH!  Beats up the both of them.  Where's my wrestling?  I thought this was a wrestling show.

My complicated mind is starting to piece stuff together.  Does Vince Russo and company want to send us a subtle message that smarkiness is bad?  And that anyone who tries to seem smarky on camera is inherently a heel?  The Gunz accuse Daniels of being Suicide (they're right) but they are heels!  Don West sticks to claiming he's Suicide, and he's heel!

Mick Foley in the back with Taz and his big-ass knife.  Boy, Taz has gotten tall.  And whiter.  And fatter.  No wait, it's Samoan Joseph.  Yeah, Taz is coming to TNA, I hear.  That's what everyone is saying.  Who cares?  Joe says nothing.  Walks away.
MORE PROMO!  ODB loves country.  ODB loves pizza and wings and beer and sausage.  ODB would be living in her parents' basement selling pokemon cards and collecting child pornography if she weren't a wrestler.

Cory Beaner coming in with Old Dirty Bastard, with a STIPULATION!  Chris Abyss cannot weaponize, whereas Cody Dean Ur can.  Use weapons.
Cody Deaner w/ ODB w/ Garbage can vs Chris
Yes, I INSIST on calling Abyss "Chris" as much as possible.  Blame TNA for making him less a monster and more a fat guy no one ever calls Abyss anymore but "Chris".
Don West doesn't care if he's given an AK47, he would never get in the ring with Chris abyss.  Dude, come on.  No.  You cannot say stupid shit like that.  That's like saying you wouldn't kill a serial rapist and killer if he had both legs broken and was unconscious and a police officer gave you a gun and said "kill him, I'll take the fall" simply because you're afraid of the serial killer rapist.
Cody Deaner does some shit but Abyss, Chris just stops his shit, without using a weapon.  Beaner uses a Kendu stick, but Chris stops that shit and just bitch-slaps his chest.  DEANER gets some alcohol from ODB, and Chris is playing with the toys while ODB and Deaner recover.
NO ONE HAS SEEN BOBBY LASHLEY TODAY!  That is what the commentators care about.  Angle promises Hostile Takeover will be at Foley's office.  Deaner smacks Abyss Chris with a garbage can twice, but Chris is still standing.  CHRIS STILL STANDS!  Kendu stick, but Chris still stands.  CHRIS STILL STANDS!  Deaner again with kendo sticks hitting him again and again, but Chris still stands.  CHRIS STILL STANDS!
Spoiler alert: Chris wins.  I saw this on Thursday night, and I'm sick of typing a play by play of all this shit.  Yeah, this sucks.  He gets killed with the Black Hole Slam.
Winnar: Chris
ANOTHER Main Event Mafiar promo!  Technically the FOURTH for Kurt Angle.
Rant time: I was thinking about this rant for most of yesterday.
So you claim you're the "greatest collection of world champions in wrestling history"?  You know what?  You're not.  Not even fucking close.
If there's ANYTHING I hate enough to make me look not stupid and more like an angry smark, it's a lack of basic history in wrestling.  Just because some shitty gimmick or feud is happening NOW, they sell that shit like it's the first coming of the nWo.  "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER"  "I'VE NEVER SEEN THE UNDERTAKER DO HIS SIGNATURE MOVE HE DOES IN EVERY WRESTLEMANIA MATCH EVER HERE AT WRESTLEMANIA 22!"
No.  Okay, Main Even Yakuza?  No.  You are NOT even fucking close.  Who are the world champions in your group?  Fucking SCOTT STEINER and KEVIN NASH and BOOKER T?  World champions in their own right, but are they even at main event level now?  Fucking no!
I will never take the Main Event Mafia seriosuly as the GREATEST collection of world champions ever until they DO SOMETHING FUCKING GREAT!  You know what I want to see?  I want to see the Main Event Mafia come to the ring with TOMMY GUNS and fucking KILL a wrestler!  It doesn't even have to be an important one!  Just bring fucking SHARK BOY out and kill the motherfucker.  You will instantly surpass nWo in all levels.
Or don't want to kill?  I say this: TNA saves up its millions of dollars, and buys EVERY SINGLE TICKET to Wrestlemania 26.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  TICKET.
And with those tickets, they pick die-hard TNA fans via contest of some sort, they come to the arena, and they act like it's a fucking TNA event.  They hold signs like "TNA" and "KURT ANGLE SUCKS" and "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU" and chant "TNA!" all the time, and wear TNA shirts, and have 200 motherfuckers bring one huge-ass sign saying "TNA WRESTLING, SPIKE TV THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 9PM EST"!
UNTIL they do that, the Main Event Mafia will NEVER, EVER EVER BE the GREATEST collection of world champions EVER.  EVER.

Back to show, where Goth Daffney talks to Chris's girlfriend, where Dr Stevie prognosizing something.  He's the best psychiatrist Daffney has ever been to.  Imagine having sex with this girl, and midway through she suddenly gets dressed up as "The Governor".  That's funny to me.
Daffney implies Chris is fucking her, and she smiles wickedly and laughs when the blonde says no.

MUSIC VIDEO PACKAGE for... Lockdown, I guess.  Yeah.  DIdn't this pass already?  Come the fuck on.
Oh my god, this is an ENTIRE fucking music video.  I skipped ahead like two minutes and it's STILL going.
That was literally four and a half minutes of wasted bullshit in place of wrestling.

MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT!  John Borast talks about the Memmy girls, with Kevin's "Survivor" slut bitching at Queen Sharmell.  Where did she come from?  Booker T and Sharmell drop that shit and leave.  WATCH YO BACK, JENNA!

So.  Four matches.  Two of them pathetic squashes.  Maybe an hour and a half or longer.  I can't tell because I'm 'tubing it up.
THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE MATT MORGAN comes out DROPPING BOMBS!  Please... call... Homeland Security... FBI... he has BOMBS.
Waiting for the bombs to drop.  He's talking about wanting to join the Main Even Mafia, despite him never being a world champion or ever being in a main event.  BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE!  Bombsquads should be arriving fast...

Lauren is standing by with AJ STYLES and his PINK TITLE!  Joe's on nobody's page, says Styles.  He doesn't even know Joe anymore after those couple of months he took off.  Bros before hos, brah.  You know, because Joe's wife had a baby, right?

Here's another blueprint of failure: What in the fucking fuck is Rhino doing "training" some random Marine in wrestling?  Wasn't he supposed to be the fucking LEADER of TNA FRONTLINE?  What in the fuck even happened to TNA Frontline?  That name isn't even fucking used anymore!  That dirty dog couldn't break its flea addiction?  Or was that formula not strong enough?

Main Even Mafior coming out now.  Main event.  Five matches.  Two of them pointless squash matches.  Three matches in two hours.

Booker T and Kevin Nash (the curtain-jerker squad of MEM) vs AJ Styles and Samoan Joseph (the MAIN EVENTERS of TNA Frontline... huge problems in 'credible competition' here?)
OH NOEZ!  Yusuf of Samoa ain't coming out.  HANDICAPPED MATCHOR!
AJ and Booger T start out.  They circle the ring, Booker T arm wrenches.  AJ hit "L" when he should have hit "R".  THIS IS NOT WWE DAY OF RECKONING, AJ!  R IS TO COUNTER GRAPPLES, L IS TO COUNTER STRIKES!
Or wait... this ain't SvR09, it's TNA iMPACT!  Fuck it, then.
Dorpkick by AJ on Booger, pin, not even one, tag to Nashley.  AJ bouncing around, grips Kevin's back, Kevin stumbles into the turnbuckle, AJ with shoulder blocks.  Boring.  Boring.  BORING.  NO!  Irish whip AJ into the turnbuckle.  HAHA Camera guy got smacked in the lens by AJ styles's foot.  Kevin Nash tries to SLOWLY elbow AJ in the face, and gets reversed.  AJ on Nash's back, Nash wiggling about, not figuring out to fall back to smash---oh wait, he got him on the turnbuckle.
Booker T in, slowly doing shit, knee to the face.  Blaaaargh...
Booker T and Kevin Nash are clearly being pushed as GREATER THAN EVEN AJ AND SAMOA!  Because you see, West said they don't let women get between them.  BROS BEFORE HOS!
AJ makes a comeback, hits Nashley's knee and attacks Booker.  Slides through, pulls down the top rope, brings Booker down to the floor, gets Kevin in the eyes, gives a fake-ass punch and Kevin jumps out of the ring himself.  ZOMFG BUBBY LASHLEY!  Just hangin out.  Doing nothing.
ALL OF A SUDDEN BOOKER AND NASH ARE NTO ON THE SAME PAGE.  What the fuck?  They didn't do shit except get beaten up a little.  SAMOA JOE COMING DOWN!
No Commercial Thought: DURING HTE BREAK Samoa joe pushed AJ Styles, and the Mem kicked their shit.  Haha, fail.
Double team on A Joey Styles.  Joe bursts in, fake hits Nash... hits Booker.  Fake chops Nash, lazy dropkick on him.  Seriously, that was lazyt as hell.  Powerslams Booger. 
Jenna distracting and AJ STYLES BELT GIVEN TO BOOKER!  Now, he has two things he can do... attack AJ, or RUN WITH THAT SHIT!  It's HIS belt, anyway.  Just fucking run with the--oh, he hit AJ and pinned.

Winnar: Booger T and Kevin Nash
Thoughts: Wow... can that even be considered a match?  That was like five minutes of the slowest, laziest shit from the Mem, domination on AJ Styles, and Samoe Joe doing almost completely nothing.

Five matches.  Two of them pointless squashes, one of them a useless story-driver-but-wrestling-non-provider.  See, that rhymes.  I'm special.

AHA!  Best part!  REAL Main event of this!
Mick Foley gonna sign a HOOGE SuPERSTAR!  Someone who is CONTROVERSIAL!  Someone who has HEADLINED WRESTLEMANIA!  Foley again talks about his stitches.  I skipped a few of them tonight, but this is either the fourth or fifth time.  FOley tells the HOOGE superstar to hide in the closet and attack Angle when Foley says "now".
HOLY fucking SHIT!  ANOTHER Main event mafiar promo.  FIFTH KURT ANGLE ONE.  What the dealy-o, yo?  That is whack, mack.  Scrotum.
Promo focuses almost entirely on Kurt Angle.

SPEAK of the AIDS devil; he goes into Foley's office!  Foley is scurrrrrred!  Angle's anger becomes stupid, as Foley says he's working on a contract on a new superstart, and offers to talk with Kurt.  Foley says "NOW" a few times, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS!  Kurt flips, and attacks.  This is now a match

Mick Foley vs Kurt Angle
Mick Foley professes his love for the title, then asks why Angle is so angry.  Kurt flips while I laugh my fucking ass off.  "WHY!?  WHYYYYYY!@?  YOU HIT ME WITH A CHAAAAAIR!"  Foley doesn't remember.  It's obvious to me they are playing a disassociative disorder angle with Cactus Jack and Mick Foley.  Foley offers Angle to hit him with a chair.  Angle is no longer angry, but stupid.

THIS MATCH IS HOT!  EVEN STEVEN, FOLEY!  CHAIR!  Angle needs a steel chair, so he says no to the office chair.  Angle takes Jeff's guitar, Foley says okay, but once Angle says the head, Foley mentions his stitches, and agrees, but then backs off and says "that guitar belongs to Jeff, it's kind of his thing".  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Foley's been saying "bruther" a lot, to make people think it's Hulk Hogan, but SWERVE!  It isn't.

Foley gets on the phoen, pretending to call someone to bring a chair, but he smacks Angle in the head with it, then starts crawling to the closet.

Now, big superstar time:  WHO headlined Wrestlemania, is a big-ass star, and is being signed by Mick Foley?  Guess...



You WISH I was kidding.
Mick puts Socko on, and attacks Kurt.  Lights go out, and MISTER SOCKO HAS KILLED MICK FOLEY!
Actually, upon retrospect, it's not a Mr Socko mask on his hoodie, but just a recreation of his face paint.  Still, I thought it was Mister SOcko when I first saw it, and itw as fuckng hilarious to me.

Winnar: Mick Foley by Disqualification
End show.
Methylenedioxymethamphetamines:  That first match, with Amazing Rod and Homicide against the Motor Town guns.  Also, the mention of CHRISTOPHER Daniels instead of just "Daniels".  As much as it may scream of "Wrestlecrap", I love Mick Foley being stupid with Kurt Angle.

Barbiturates: Everything else.  FIVE Kurt Angle promos in the form of two, and three Main event Morfia promos focused almost entirely on Kurt?  Maybe that whole Kurt returning to WWE is true and they want to keep him.  Or maybe their show just sucks and they need to hide the fact that they have TWO HOURS to fill and only had FIVE matches, TWO of them pointless squashes, and ONE of them a five minute ball-buster of nonsensical stupid and weak-ass laziness!  And a FOUR AND A HALF MINUTE MUSIC VIDEO on a PPV that already passed.
Pick Your Poison: THIS IS CLEARLY THE GREATEST EPISODE OF TNA IN THE HISTORY OF TNA!  That's what I'd say if I were in TNA.  But I'm not.

Just kill the fucking promotion.

Send feedback here: phenomynouss@hotmail.com
Or visit my Myspace, because I never do, http://myspace.com/andarielhalo

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).