Welcome back everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Tonight's going to be an interesting night to say the least. For one, Booker T is defending the LEGEND'S TITLE against ERIC YOUNG. Try to make sense of that one. There's that, and some more Main Event Mafia domination! It's like the same episode of Impact that we've been watching for the past month - Tired, Not different, and Absurd.  You see what I did there? I am just too good. Tonight's show is called "Leadership...Divided". I'll throw in my own title as usual, "Leadership...Not Knowing How to Properly Book a Wrestling Show". Let's get on with the show.

Jeremy Borash's useless ass starts us off, chasing Kurt Angle and the rest of the MEM. They have a casket. HAHAHA! HOW FUNNY! They're going to give Christian a "proper burial." Fucking hell, that was horrible irony.

The casket and the MEM make their way down to the ring. Everyone is dressed in black. Because this is a funeral for Christian Cage. It's also a funeral for my faith in TNA. Kurt says he's sending Cage back to the WWE in an ambulance and wants to know if anyone has any words for him.

And here comes Rhino! Wait. What? Rhino? He has something to say. It's probably going to be something self-glorying and end in "GORE, GORE, GORE!" but it's still something. He was offended that Cage was beaten down. Yeah, because this is ALL about you, man. Forget that you're friend is probably dead, he can't be as physically hurt as you are emotionally. Now Rhino's demanding respect too? God dammit. He also says that the MEM is afraid to lose their spot to the younger guys. First of all, if Rhino is calling himself young, I'm laughing. Secondly, um, duh?

Booker says that Rhino sounds pretty brave, but that's only because he's on the ramp. So, this brings Rhino down to the ring and he proceeds to be destroyed just like his good friend Christian. The MEM then shoved him into the casket and closed the lid. Seriously, if you were that concerned about  Cage, why didn't you help the guy while he was being torn apart? Just a suggestion.

Borash is in the back again with Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett wants to know whose backing the MEM. These little Mafia references are neither cute nor clever.

AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are talking with the Motor City Machine Guns. Alex Shelley makes some comments about Styles kissing Foley's ass. And of course, here's Foley to tear into Shelley some more and book Styles & Joe vs. Shelley & Sabin. Talk about team unity! On a bit of a side note, I'm not enjoying this half-assed anger being produced by Mick Foley. Whappened to one of the best promo men in the business?

Consequences Creed & Jay Lethal vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi & Sonjay Dutt w/ his bitch

Jay and Dutt start it off with Jay hitting his Backspring Elbow. Val decides to be her usual annoying and bitchy self by getting up onto the apron and taunting Lethal. Unfortunately, he doesn't slap the taste out of her mouth. Nope, instead, Dutt jumps him from behind. Tanahashi gets tagged in, and hits a Somersault Senton on Lethal. He then hits a Splash and calls for Creed to get in. Lethal hits a Drop-kick and tags in Creed.

Dutt is also tagged in, and gets caught with a Spinning Fisherman's Buster. He sets up for a Big Punch, but Dutt was rushing him, so he went ahead and punched Dutt and then Super Kicked Tanahashi. Dutt hits a Jawbreaker, and Creed reverses an irish Whip. Dutt then tries for a Springboard Inverted DDT, but Creed turns it into a TKO, and picks up the win.

Winner: Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal

In the back, Lauren is with the Hey, They Could Be Worse People and Kip James. They talk about the newest Knockout, Sojournor Bolt (AKA "Random Black Woman w/ a really bad weave" from one of my previous recaps) being Christy's new partner. Why must she have such a complicated first name? And holy fucking shit, what the hell is Kip James doing!?! Am I seeing Kip James preform sex on himself on television!?! Please excuse me while I let my eyes drop out of their sockets and turn to dust. Fuck this. I'm so done with that promo.

Suicide promo airs. How can you take somebody seriously when they dress up so comically? it's not possible. And now, a Feast or Fired promo airs. Dear God, TNA, please do not do this. This is all a horrible attempt at beating out the Money in the Bank, and once again, probably due to copyright issues, TNA makes it so ridiculous, then even the Impact Zone fans are silent. Well, goodbye Lance Rock.

There was a fight in the back. Bashir was going off about his loss last week in his "native tongue." Jim Cornette is not pleased at Crazy Referee for showing off his skills last week. I'm pretty sure he just stripped Young of the X Division Title, because it's now back in Bashir's hands. Crazy Ref is now on probation. And once again, ERIC YOUNG gets to face Booker T later for the LEGEND'S TITLE.

Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/ Random Man Whose Existence I Refuse to Recognize After What he Put me Through vs. Christy Hemme & Sojournor Bolt

Bolt and Love start it out. Bolt locks on a Headlock, but is soon sent to the ropes. Love hits a Thrust Kick, and climbs on top of Bolt and begins to punch her. Sky is tagged in and her and Love hit an Elbow Drop. Bolt fights back with a High Crossbody on Bolt and then a Jawbreaker.

Hemme gets the tag and she hits a Clothesline on Love, who just got in as well. She nails a Double Sledge on Sky, and then uses Love's hair to Spin Slam her. She kicks Sky in the head, and Random Man jumps on the apron to distract Christy, but is met with a slap. She then turns around and is hit with the Lights Out by Love for the win.

Winners: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky

That was so bad. Really, really, really bad. Christy Hemme cannot wrestle. The girl's been in the business for around four years now and she still can't wrestle. Keep her at the ringside, TNA. She has no business making Angelina Love look like a bad wrestler.

We now get another Rough Cuts with Homicide. He once stuck a tampon into a bullet wound and taped it together so he could wrestle. Move out of the way Sabu, HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE! That was just too easy.

ODB has taken over Karen Angle's job with ODB's Angle. Way to get creative with the name changes, TNA. At least ODB has a personality. She's with Sharmell this week. She makes fun of Sharmell's name and asks what kind of underwear she wears. Sharmell is demanding respect now too. Would it be too harsh for me to type "STFU, you annoying bitch"? Because if not, then that statement sums this segment up. Holy crap, Sharmell vs. ODB in a DANCE OFF at Final Resolution. That whole segment is what is most commonly referred to as a  "train wreck."

Borash is talking with the Main Event Mafia. Again. Hey guys, would you like to totally take over all the air time tonight? Angle warns Abyss and Matt Morgan that they're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have had it with the God damn Mafia references. One more time on this show, and I will make so many unfunny comments that you'll be embarrassed for reading this recap on a weekly basis.

Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

I'll give you a bit of a spoiler: The MCMG stand no chance. Surprising, huh? All for guys go after each other as soon as the bell rings. Shelly hits the floor, Joe goes for a Suicide Dive, Shelley moves, and Joe shifts last minute and lands on his feet. Shelley hits a Back Kick from the apron, and jumps on the ropes to allow Sabin to hit a Suicide Dive on Joe. Styles knocks Shelley off and hits a Somersault Plancha on pretty much everyone.

After the break, The Guns are working over Joe. Sabin uses a Dropkick, and both of them hit a Sandwich Kick. Joe fights back with Knife Edge Chops and an Irish Whip on Sabin. Sabin goes for a Tornado DDT, but Joe shoves Sabin off and hits a Snap Powerslam.

BOth Styles and Shelley are tagged in, and Styles hits a Springboard Flying Forearm. He goes for a Styles Clash, but Sabin runs up from behind Shelley and Dropkicks Styles. He goes for a Sliced Bread, but gets shoved into the corner instead. Joe's in now and he hits a Running Back Elbow and an Enziguri on Sabin. The Guns them hit Big Boots on Styles.

Sabin goes for the Cradle Shock, but Styles gets out and shoves Sabin into the ropes. Styles pins Shelley with a Styles Clash.

Winners: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Seriously, one the best matches I've seen on Impact in a really long time. If TNA could do stuff like this for two hours every week, people wouldn't be willing to drink poison or some other crazy shit just to get out of watching an episode of Impact. Really, the key to more success isn't all that hard.

Of course, in true TNA fashion, here come the Main Event Mafia! They jump Styles and Joe and Shelly and Sabin don't bother to help them out. Creed and Lethal rush out to aid Styles and Joe, but they get destroyed too. This is all too ridiculous.

Raesha Saeed is in the back with Traci Brooks. She wants to know if Kong will have a new opponent. Traci says she couldn't find anyone who would be willing to face Kong. In response, Saeed says that an innocent "civilian will be victimized." Can TNA maybe fire Sting tonight and then invite him to have a front row seat? He'd them become a civilian. A civilian, I should add, that I would love to see get victimized by Kong.

Lauren is now talking with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. Rhino drugs Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley in and once again, begins to tear into them. Here he goes, delivering an insane promo. And by insane, I do not mean in a good way. Somebody needs to tell Rhino that he DID NOT build ECW up. He had nothing to do with ECW's success. Rhino needs to realize his place and get his irrelevant since 2001 ass off my TV screen.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. ERIC YOUNG; LEGEND'S Championship Match

This match is such a joke in its concept. Anyway, Booker his a Kneelift, but Eric fights back with an Arm Drag to the canvas. Booker gets to his feet and uses a Knife Edge Chop and a Kneelift on Young, but Eric then hits an Arm Drug. Deja vu much?

Booker gets to his feet again, and uses ANOTHER Kneelift to get free. Young ducks out of a Crescent Kick, but Booker catches him off the ropes and hits a Hot Shot. Booker hits a Crescent Kick, and then a Superkick. He goes for a pin which only gets a two count. Once back up, Young dodges an Axe Kick (because everyone in the world does), but ends up being locked in a Rear Chin Lock.

Young fights back to his feet and hits a back Elbow off of an Irish Whip. He then hits a Clothesline, and goes for a Spicolli Driver, but Booker breaks out of it and attempts another Axe Kick. Which he fails at. As always. Eric gets in the Spicolli Driver this time, and Booker kicks out of two. Eric goes to the ropes, but Sharmell grabs his ankle, so Booker is able to hit the Axe Kick for the win.

Winner: Booker T

In the back. Borash is again with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Foley apparently has another "huge" announcement, which in actuality, are never that huge. Borash now travels to Team 3D. Devon says that Roode and Storm are trying to make themselves more important than they really are. If Beer Money wants to play, it's time to play. Oh God, that sounds so wrong. Ray wants to know why the MEM hasn't invited Team 3D to join yet, and then says that Beer Money needs to learn...yep, you got it, RESPECT. You know what? I think every obnoxious wrestler in TNA needs to learn how to respect whatever fans they have left by not being so boring and repetitive. You can't get respect if you don't respect other people. [/wordsofwisdom]

Hermie Sadler, a race car driver who I didn't know existed until this very second, is with Lauren in the back. he has a new show on TNAwrestling.com starting in 2009. Am I actually plugging TNA's website after all the shit they just put on the air? How low have I gotten?

Kevin Nash & Kurt Angle vs. Abyss & The Blueprint of Failure

Angle and Abyss start it off. Angle locks in a Headlock, but Abyss lifts him up and Irish Whips him. Abyss then hits a Shoulder Tackle, followed by a Clothesline. He beats on Angle in the corner, and eventually hits the Shock Treatment. Why is it that the only time Angle can possibly look weak in a match is against Abyss. It makes no sense because no one cares how good Abyss does in the ring. People are too transfixed on the fact that his tag team partner sucks so much that he makes Kip James look 0.0000005% better. That's saying something. Or, they could just be jealous of his SUPER AWESOME, TOTALLY AMAZING DNA. Back to the match, Angle kicks out at 2, so here comes Matt Morgan! ...Silence.

Morgan hits a Bodyslam on Angle and then drops an elbow. Nash gets the tag and hits a Clothesline on Morgan. He then used the boot to choke Morgan in the corner. Kurt gets back in and goes back and forth with fists with Morgan. Angle hits two European Uppercuts, and goes for the Angle Slam, but Morgan turns it into a Clothesline. Beer Money and Jacqueline come down from the back to watch. Why?

Both Nash and Abyss get tagged in. Abyss uses a bunch of Clothesline on both Angle and Nash, followed by Running Splashes on both of them. Abyss then hits a Side Slam on Nash, but Angle breaks up the pin attempt. Abyss throws Angle to the outside, so Nash and Morgan fight in the ring. Nash hits a Back Elbow. Just watching Kevin Nash trying to wrestle makes me feel like I'm being injured. Morgan misses a Bicycle Kick, and flips over the top rope. Abyss throws Angle back inside the ring and goes up to the top rope. James Storm jumps up onto the apron and shatters his beer bottle on Abyss's head. Abyss comes off the ropes and flys(?) right into Kevin Nash's Big Boot, which gets the win.

Winners: Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash

Mick Foley comes down to the ring for his 456th "huge announcement." He says that he MEM is part of the past, and that he shares the past with him. Do I sense a Foley heel turn sometime in the future? He agrees that the MEM could be the best stable in wrestling history. WHAT. THE. FUCK. He also says that the MEM could be the past, present, and future of TNA. Again, WHAT. THE. FUCK. It's not even that the comment is logically incorrect, but it's also factually incorrect since none of these guys were there for TNA's inception to be part of the past, and once they stop making the money they earn now, they won't be a part of the future either.

Mick announces two co-main events for Final Resolution. 1.) Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Sting vs. AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and two others who have yet to be named. Nice little deal there. I can't complain. But hey, leave it to TNA to put a horrible twist on it. If the MEM wins, Sting keeps his title, and if the MEM loses, AJ Styles gets the title. Basically, it means that AJ can take his sweet ass time in this match, and hell, he doesn't even have to get involved. Samoa Joe can do all the fighting for him and actually score the pin (hahaha, right. Like the MEM is going to lose) and AJ Styles will still win the title. Oh TNA, you never fail to make me question why I watch your product. The second match is Kurt Angle vs. Rhino. Which I think deserves another resounding WHAT. THE. FUCK. Nothing makes any sense anymore. How the hell can Rhino push himself into the main event when last week, he didn't even exist?

Kurt Angle comes down now. He's all up in Foley's face. He wants to know why Jarrett won't face him. He then challenges Mick Foley and slaps him. This keeps getting worse and worse. Oh joy, here comes Jeff Jarrett. jeff wants Kurt out of TNA. He says he can't fire him (yes you can...) but he can add a ridiculous stipulation onto his match with Rhino! If Rhino wins, Angle is done with TNA, but if Angle wins, he gets Jeff Jarrett. Could you make the outcome of this match any more obvious? Kurt slaps Jeff when he offers his hand, but Jeff just smiles and points to the ramp, where Rhino now runs down and Gores Angle.

And that just about does it for this week. The MEM has been around for a month now, maybe a little bit longer, and that Gore that Angle just took was literally the most vulnerable they have ever looked. That's really saying something, and it's not a good thing. As for my prediction? Clearly, Jeff Jarrett has to involve his egotistical self. The TNA Originals can't succeed without Jarrett's amazing power. I swear, it must be a great, great thing to be able to let your ego run wild on national TV whenever you please.

Normally, this would be where my incredibly long and drawn-out conclusion goes. But this week, I'm skipping that. Seriously, no one reads conclusions anyway. Just send feedback, as always to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or send me an e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). I don't know if I can handle much more of this atrocity, but I'll keep trying because God knows, nobody else is going to want to.