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November 06, 2008
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November 27, 2008

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome to this week's super half-assed edition of the TNA Impact Report. When I say "super half-assed", I literally mean "super half-assed." This recap will lack so much detail that you may even think it would be better to just watch the God damn show yourself. (HA! Who am I kidding?) Well anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I did. Fuck the stuffing and cranberry sauce, I had Italian food. And now, it's time for "The Frontline Digs In". What a dumbass title.

Tonight brings us the return of the TNA Turkey Bowl~!!!1! What? You don't remember the Turkey Bowl? You know, one guy gets a nice little prize, and one ends up dressing up like a turkey. No, I'm totally serious. Someone coughvincerussocough doesn't think this is suicide inducing.

To start us off for tonight's Thanksgiving festivities, we get Rhino and the rest of the TNA Originals, who are now officially The TNA Frontline. Say that over and over again in your head. I guarantee you that it doesn't sound any less stupid the 56th time as it did the first. Rhino gives another self-glorifying and erroneous speech about how he built up ECW and now he wants to do the same for TNA. I'd say this is pretty inspirat ional. I would, if it wasn't total bullshit. Rhino makes it way through the crowd like a total douchebag before making his way back in the ring.

He swears that he will end Kurt Angle's run in TNA. Keep telling yourself that, maybe you'll believe it. This brings out the Main Event Mafia. Kurt asks Rhino is he's delusional. No Kurt, this man is not delusional. He's just hopelessly clinging onto his past. Leave him be. Kurt says he will destroy Rhino to get to Jeff Jarrett at Genesis. Rhino tells Kurt Angle to kiss his ass, which in all honesty, is pretty revolting. Scot t Steiner hold Angle back as we go to commercial.

In the back, Jeremy Borash is with the MEM. Borash tells Angle that Jarrett has made Foley the special enforcer for Kurt vs. Rhino at Final Resolution. Of fucking course.

Rhino vs. Hernandez vs. Sonjay Dutt w/ his over dramatic bitch; Turkey Bowl Triple Threat Semi-Final Match

Time for the half-assing! Get the fuck over it. It's a one week deal. Hernandez hits a Back Breaker on Sonjay before ripping off his shirt and throwing it across the ring for no real reason. Rhino hits a Shoulder Block on Hernandez which takes him outside the ring. Sonjay does a Go-Behind and pushes Rhino which leads to him getting a Shoulder Block from Hernandez. Sonjay hits a Hurricanrana on Hernandez. Hernandez then hits a huge Dropki ck onto Rhino, and Sonjay hits an Enziguri on Hernandez. Rhino eventually hits a Belly-to-Belly and the Gore to pick up the win.

Winner: Rhino

A video piece about Jarrett and the start of TNA plays. Jeff Jarrett needs to get the hell over himself. In his office, Jarrett is arguing with Angle. Angle is pissed about Foley being the special enforcer. It's a simple concept really. Stack the odds against Angle so some idiot fans believe that he stands NO CHANCE IN HELL against Rhino, when really, he's winning it. Jarrett says this was done to even the playing field. Hey Jarrett, the playing field would never not be even if you'd just ban the MEM from ringside, idiot. Kurt says he'll have someone watching his back at Final Resolution.

Lauren is in the back with all the TNA Originals. I'd call them the TNA Frontline, but I really am doing fine without lowering myself to that level. The fact that Rhino is even in this group makes me pray that the MEM starts to kick their ass 50 times worse. I know that's totally hypocritical, but it's Rhino. The whole groups walks into Team 3D. Devon says they're being massacred. Really? You mean those constant brutal beat d owns aren't a friendship offering? Who would have known? Rhino goes onto mention how TNA and ECW are similar. You're forgetting one thing though, TNA sucks and is painful to watch, ECW, on the other hand, was awesome. They want 3D to join them, and need an answer by the end of the show.

Alex Shelley w/ all of my love vs. Kip James vs. Consequences Creed; Turkey Bowl Triple Threat Qualifying Match

I'd say how much I want James to lose this tournament just so I can get enjoyment out of watching him in a turkey costume. But then it hit me. Kip James would probably enjoy that. And that is something that none of us need to see. Ever. Shelley and James team up on Creed early on, but Creed eventually hits and Enziguri on James and an Arm Drag. He then goes for, and misses, a Splash on Shelley on the outside. Shelley hits a knee onto Kip 's face outside the ring. And Creed comes back with a Somersault Clothesline on Alex Shelley. Creed punches James to the outside and attempts the TKO on Shelley, but he reverses that into a pin for the win. 

Winner: Alex Shelley

WHAT THE FUCK~??!/!!!1? HE WON!?! Somebody check on the sun, I sense the Apocalypse approaching! (Wow. I have never been so lame.)

The Fairly Attractive People are ranting and raving about not being on the card at Final Resolution. And they complain about James getting ripped off in his match. Shut the fuck up, you dumb bitches, Alex Shelley won. Doesn't that mean a thing to you? All of a sudden, someone runs in a hands a note to Love. Holy shit. The note said Palin will be on Impass (the hell?) to pick up her money for charity. Oh thank God it's joke. Her chari ty of choice is Hockey Moms of America and she can't come to the PPV because she has a moose hunt. There is a God after all. And he must hate TNA as much as I do. All of sudden, the second most annoying bitch in TNA (Sharmell) comes in and tells them that Booker T wants to speak to them, now. I bet it's because they're not showing any RESPECT(!) to Sarah Palin.

Time for more Jeff Jarrett. This time he's with Rhino. Okay, seriously Rhino, I'm getting tired of you wasting valuable airtime. No body cares about you anymore except yourself. All he did was promise that he will win at Final Resolution.

Rough Cuts with LAX. Homicide and Hernandez are like brothers. I'll tell you something, they sure have RESPECT for one another. Those TNA Originals could sure learn a thing or two from these guys.

Lauren is with Team 3D and talking about their offer from the Originals. Ray says that they've been thinking about their options. Scott Steiner walks in and says the MEM has an offer that they can't refuse. That can be considered a slight Mafia reference, right? Okay then. SHUT THE HELL UP, STEINER! Ray agrees to listen to this offer. I'm willing to bed 3D joins the Originals. Either way, if you need any more proof that the MEM b asically IS the NWO, this episode will give all the proof you need. You can't have the ENTIRE roster involved in this angle.

After the break, Traci and Christy Hemme are screaming at each other. Christ says she's trained with AJ Styles for 3 months to get revenge on Kong. Hahah, AJ Styles can't teach. She begs for a match and Traci tells her that if she can beat Saeed tonight, she will face Kong at Final Resolution.

Jimmy Rave vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Super DNA; Turkey Bowl Qualifying Match

Jimmy Rave still exists? Really? It starts off with some double team moves on Morgan that basically work his legs. Oh, Crazy Ref is the referee for this match. Wasn't he put on probation? CONTINUITY! Morgan Back Body Drop's Bashir and does a really strange looking Cross Body onto Rave and Bashir. Truth be told, it wasn't really "strange looking." It's just that his DNA makes it so amazing and innovative looking that we aren't used to the greatness of it. He then does a Fall Away Slam on both of them. Morgan goes for his Bicycle Kick, but misses and falls to the outside. How humorous. Bashir hits a WMD for the win.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir

In the back, Lauren hangs around while Booker T asks Love and Sky to act as backup for Sharmell. Kip James wants to know what Booker can do for them. Maybe Booker can terminate Kip James? No, instead, after Love asks for it, he agrees that he will give them his super awesome locker room if they help Sharmell win.

Kurt Angle is now speaking with Ray and Devon. He makes more idiotic Mafia references, but Ray can't trust anyone in this business. Devon is offended by this crazy bald white man. Scott gives Team 3D suits. How eventful.

Christy Hemme vs. Raesha Saeed w/ Awesome Kong and Rhaka Khan

Hemme hits a Face Buster, but Saeed is able to hit a Slam and throw Christy to Kong and Khan on the outside. Kong flings her to the guardrail and Saeed hits a Curb Stomp. Saeed misses a Dropkick on the top turnbuckle. Hemme misses the FFG, but then reverses a Power Bomb attempt into a pin for the victory.

Winner: Christy Hemme

That was such a not believable victory. The poor girl still just cannot wrestle. I wouldn't mind having her hair though. Or her face. But her wrestling ability? Not so much. After the bell, Kong comes in and destroys Christy.

Mike Tenay is interviewing the World's Worst Teacher, AJ Styles. He asks AJ if Rhino can unify the Originals, to which Styles says "who gives a shit, Jeff Jarrett will be out savior!" No, he really says that Rhino will be a great leader. Tenay mentions the MCMG and then randomly mentions Styles's problems with his father. Styles calls his dad a drunk and a wife beater, and says he once knocked him out for assaulting his mot her.

Lauren is with Sting and Kevin Nash in the back. Sting doesn't know how to address Styles's comments. Nash on the other hand, says that Styles deserves what he got. Sting started questioning it, but Nash stops him and tells him to get ready to welcome Team 3D into the MEM. Sting needs to stop trying to be a face. It's officially ridiculous.

Lauren is now with the Motor City Machine Guns. Shelley proceeds to tear into Styles, Joe and Foley. He's also confident that he will win this tournament. Alex Shelley, thank you for being the saving grace of this show.

Rhino vs. Alex Shelley vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir; Turkey Bowl Triple Threat Finals

Borash gets in the ring to run down the rules for the match. He shows off the $25,000 check and the Turkey Suit. That fucking useless turkey suit.

Rhino hits a Belly-to-Belly Suplex on Bashir and a Spine Buster on Alex Shelley and goes for the pin, but it's broken up as we go to commercials. Once back, Shelley and Bashir double team Rhino on the outside and inside the ring as well with a Suplex. Shelley hits an Inverted Atomic Drop on Bashir from the top turnbuckle. And holy crap, Alex Shelley better win this match. Or else. Rhino Clotheslines Bashir and Gores Shelley for the win.. . Fucking hell.

Winner: Rhino

So Rhino will be presented with the check which should go to Alex Shelley. Fuck you, TNA, for using one of your best talents ever as a ridiculous comedy act. Shelley rolls out of the ring to avoid the wrongful embarrassment he's about to ensue. Commercials.

We find out that during the break, Foley gave Rhino his check and he then spoke to Shelley about him wrestling a great match, but no matter how well he wrestled, he still lost. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Foley threatens to fire Shelley if he doesn't put on the suit. He has until the count of ten to put on the suit. This should be fucking illegal. At 6, Shelley slips a leg into the suit.

Shelley eventually stops, and Foley has to make jackass comments towards him. The moronic crowd starts a "gobble, gobble" chant. YOU ARE ALL HORRIFYING DUMBASSES WHO WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE TALENT IF IT FUCKING SPAT IN YOUR FACE. Okay, I'll calm down now. Shelley flips off Foley and in response, he eats a Double Underhook Cactus DDT, and tells Shelley he should be thankful that he still has a job. That was so fucking stupid and that's not just my insane amount of love towards Alex Shelley talking. I swear.

The TNA Originals come down to the ring, and AJ calls out Team 3D. Instead of Ray and Devon, we get the MEM. Just great. Kurt throws a bitch fit at AJ, and then calls down Team 3D, and announces them as the newest members of the MEM. They come down in their suits, looking even worse than Scott Steiner an get booed like whoa. Ray spoke to the Originals about the MEM being right, but they also felt the Originals were right. Technically, you ha ve a choose a side. They're so opposite, there's no middle ground. (Someone needs to tell Sting that, though.)

Ray says they want to be remembered as two warriors that entertained the world, and two men who helped build ECW. I'm willing to agree with that. At least they know their place. Ray calls the Originals "all balls and guts". They join the Originals, despite not being TNA Originals. I guess nothing really has to make sense anymore, anyway.

And holy shit, what's this!?! THE MEM IS BEING DESTROYED BY THE TNA ORIGINALS! Team 3D announce themselves are the partners for Joe and Styles at Final Resolution. And just as Team 3D is about to put Kurt Angle through a table, Sting pulls him out of the ring. TNA fades out for the first time ever, the Originals standing the ring.

Well, that was unexpected, huh? Just put Kurt through the fucking table next time, and then I'll be really impressed. But this is progress, and I'm willing to give credit where credit is due, hence this sentence. I just don't know how much longer I can stand seeing Alex Shelley being completely misused and overlooked like this. Well, as always I will be DEMANDING that you send feedback to either my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or my e-mail address (fersureenicole@gmail.com), whichever one you prefer, really. I'm willing to reply, so long as you're not known to transmit cancer over the internet.

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome back everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Tonight's going to be an interesting night to say the least. For one, Booker T is defending the LEGEND'S TITLE against ERIC YOUNG. Try to make sense of that one. There's that, and some more Main Event Mafia domination! It's like the same episode of Impact that we've been watching for the past month - Tired, Not different, and Absurd.  You see what I did there? I am just too good. Tonight's show is called "Leadership...Divided". I'll throw in my own title as usual, "Leadership...Not Knowing How to Properly Book a Wrestling Show". Let's get on with the show.

Jeremy Borash's useless ass starts us off, chasing Kurt Angle and the rest of the MEM. They have a casket. HAHAHA! HOW FUNNY! They're going to give Christian a "proper burial." Fucking hell, that was horrible irony.

The casket and the MEM make their way down to the ring. Everyone is dressed in black. Because this is a funeral for Christian Cage. It's also a funeral for my faith in TNA. Kurt says he's sending Cage back to the WWE in an ambulance and wants to know if anyone has any words for him.

And here comes Rhino! Wait. What? Rhino? He has something to say. It's probably going to be something self-glorying and end in "GORE, GORE, GORE!" but it's still something. He was offended that Cage was beaten down. Yeah, because this is ALL about you, man. Forget that you're friend is probably dead, he can't be as physically hurt as you are emotionally. Now Rhino's demanding respect too? God dammit. He also says that the MEM is afraid to lose their spot to the younger guys. First of all, if Rhino is calling himself young, I'm laughing. Secondly, um, duh?

Booker says that Rhino sounds pretty brave, but that's only because he's on the ramp. So, this brings Rhino down to the ring and he proceeds to be destroyed just like his good friend Christian. The MEM then shoved him into the casket and closed the lid. Seriously, if you were that concerned about  Cage, why didn't you help the guy while he was being torn apart? Just a suggestion.

Borash is in the back again with Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett wants to know whose backing the MEM. These little Mafia references are neither cute nor clever.

AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are talking with the Motor City Machine Guns. Alex Shelley makes some comments about Styles kissing Foley's ass. And of course, here's Foley to tear into Shelley some more and book Styles & Joe vs. Shelley & Sabin. Talk about team unity! On a bit of a side note, I'm not enjoying this half-assed anger being produced by Mick Foley. Whappened to one of the best promo men in the business?

Consequences Creed & Jay Lethal vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi & Sonjay Dutt w/ his bitch

Jay and Dutt start it off with Jay hitting his Backspring Elbow. Val decides to be her usual annoying and bitchy self by getting up onto the apron and taunting Lethal. Unfortunately, he doesn't slap the taste out of her mouth. Nope, instead, Dutt jumps him from behind. Tanahashi gets tagged in, and hits a Somersault Senton on Lethal. He then hits a Splash and calls for Creed to get in. Lethal hits a Drop-kick and tags in Creed.

Dutt is also tagged in, and gets caught with a Spinning Fisherman's Buster. He sets up for a Big Punch, but Dutt was rushing him, so he went ahead and punched Dutt and then Super Kicked Tanahashi. Dutt hits a Jawbreaker, and Creed reverses an irish Whip. Dutt then tries for a Springboard Inverted DDT, but Creed turns it into a TKO, and picks up the win.

Winner: Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal

In the back, Lauren is with the Hey, They Could Be Worse People and Kip James. They talk about the newest Knockout, Sojournor Bolt (AKA "Random Black Woman w/ a really bad weave" from one of my previous recaps) being Christy's new partner. Why must she have such a complicated first name? And holy fucking shit, what the hell is Kip James doing!?! Am I seeing Kip James preform sex on himself on television!?! Please excuse me while I let my eyes drop out of their sockets and turn to dust. Fuck this. I'm so done with that promo.

Suicide promo airs. How can you take somebody seriously when they dress up so comically? it's not possible. And now, a Feast or Fired promo airs. Dear God, TNA, please do not do this. This is all a horrible attempt at beating out the Money in the Bank, and once again, probably due to copyright issues, TNA makes it so ridiculous, then even the Impact Zone fans are silent. Well, goodbye Lance Rock.

There was a fight in the back. Bashir was going off about his loss last week in his "native tongue." Jim Cornette is not pleased at Crazy Referee for showing off his skills last week. I'm pretty sure he just stripped Young of the X Division Title, because it's now back in Bashir's hands. Crazy Ref is now on probation. And once again, ERIC YOUNG gets to face Booker T later for the LEGEND'S TITLE.

Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/ Random Man Whose Existence I Refuse to Recognize After What he Put me Through vs. Christy Hemme & Sojournor Bolt

Bolt and Love start it out. Bolt locks on a Headlock, but is soon sent to the ropes. Love hits a Thrust Kick, and climbs on top of Bolt and begins to punch her. Sky is tagged in and her and Love hit an Elbow Drop. Bolt fights back with a High Crossbody on Bolt and then a Jawbreaker.

Hemme gets the tag and she hits a Clothesline on Love, who just got in as well. She nails a Double Sledge on Sky, and then uses Love's hair to Spin Slam her. She kicks Sky in the head, and Random Man jumps on the apron to distract Christy, but is met with a slap. She then turns around and is hit with the Lights Out by Love for the win.

Winners: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky

That was so bad. Really, really, really bad. Christy Hemme cannot wrestle. The girl's been in the business for around four years now and she still can't wrestle. Keep her at the ringside, TNA. She has no business making Angelina Love look like a bad wrestler.

We now get another Rough Cuts with Homicide. He once stuck a tampon into a bullet wound and taped it together so he could wrestle. Move out of the way Sabu, HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE! That was just too easy.

ODB has taken over Karen Angle's job with ODB's Angle. Way to get creative with the name changes, TNA. At least ODB has a personality. She's with Sharmell this week. She makes fun of Sharmell's name and asks what kind of underwear she wears. Sharmell is demanding respect now too. Would it be too harsh for me to type "STFU, you annoying bitch"? Because if not, then that statement sums this segment up. Holy crap, Sharmell vs. ODB in a DANCE OFF at Final Resolution. That whole segment is what is most commonly referred to as a  "train wreck."

Borash is talking with the Main Event Mafia. Again. Hey guys, would you like to totally take over all the air time tonight? Angle warns Abyss and Matt Morgan that they're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have had it with the God damn Mafia references. One more time on this show, and I will make so many unfunny comments that you'll be embarrassed for reading this recap on a weekly basis.

Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

I'll give you a bit of a spoiler: The MCMG stand no chance. Surprising, huh? All for guys go after each other as soon as the bell rings. Shelly hits the floor, Joe goes for a Suicide Dive, Shelley moves, and Joe shifts last minute and lands on his feet. Shelley hits a Back Kick from the apron, and jumps on the ropes to allow Sabin to hit a Suicide Dive on Joe. Styles knocks Shelley off and hits a Somersault Plancha on pretty much everyone.

After the break, The Guns are working over Joe. Sabin uses a Dropkick, and both of them hit a Sandwich Kick. Joe fights back with Knife Edge Chops and an Irish Whip on Sabin. Sabin goes for a Tornado DDT, but Joe shoves Sabin off and hits a Snap Powerslam.

BOth Styles and Shelley are tagged in, and Styles hits a Springboard Flying Forearm. He goes for a Styles Clash, but Sabin runs up from behind Shelley and Dropkicks Styles. He goes for a Sliced Bread, but gets shoved into the corner instead. Joe's in now and he hits a Running Back Elbow and an Enziguri on Sabin. The Guns them hit Big Boots on Styles.

Sabin goes for the Cradle Shock, but Styles gets out and shoves Sabin into the ropes. Styles pins Shelley with a Styles Clash.

Winners: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Seriously, one the best matches I've seen on Impact in a really long time. If TNA could do stuff like this for two hours every week, people wouldn't be willing to drink poison or some other crazy shit just to get out of watching an episode of Impact. Really, the key to more success isn't all that hard.

Of course, in true TNA fashion, here come the Main Event Mafia! They jump Styles and Joe and Shelly and Sabin don't bother to help them out. Creed and Lethal rush out to aid Styles and Joe, but they get destroyed too. This is all too ridiculous.

Raesha Saeed is in the back with Traci Brooks. She wants to know if Kong will have a new opponent. Traci says she couldn't find anyone who would be willing to face Kong. In response, Saeed says that an innocent "civilian will be victimized." Can TNA maybe fire Sting tonight and then invite him to have a front row seat? He'd them become a civilian. A civilian, I should add, that I would love to see get victimized by Kong.

Lauren is now talking with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. Rhino drugs Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley in and once again, begins to tear into them. Here he goes, delivering an insane promo. And by insane, I do not mean in a good way. Somebody needs to tell Rhino that he DID NOT build ECW up. He had nothing to do with ECW's success. Rhino needs to realize his place and get his irrelevant since 2001 ass off my TV screen.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. ERIC YOUNG; LEGEND'S Championship Match

This match is such a joke in its concept. Anyway, Booker his a Kneelift, but Eric fights back with an Arm Drag to the canvas. Booker gets to his feet and uses a Knife Edge Chop and a Kneelift on Young, but Eric then hits an Arm Drug. Deja vu much?

Booker gets to his feet again, and uses ANOTHER Kneelift to get free. Young ducks out of a Crescent Kick, but Booker catches him off the ropes and hits a Hot Shot. Booker hits a Crescent Kick, and then a Superkick. He goes for a pin which only gets a two count. Once back up, Young dodges an Axe Kick (because everyone in the world does), but ends up being locked in a Rear Chin Lock.

Young fights back to his feet and hits a back Elbow off of an Irish Whip. He then hits a Clothesline, and goes for a Spicolli Driver, but Booker breaks out of it and attempts another Axe Kick. Which he fails at. As always. Eric gets in the Spicolli Driver this time, and Booker kicks out of two. Eric goes to the ropes, but Sharmell grabs his ankle, so Booker is able to hit the Axe Kick for the win.

Winner: Booker T

In the back. Borash is again with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Foley apparently has another "huge" announcement, which in actuality, are never that huge. Borash now travels to Team 3D. Devon says that Roode and Storm are trying to make themselves more important than they really are. If Beer Money wants to play, it's time to play. Oh God, that sounds so wrong. Ray wants to know why the MEM hasn't invited Team 3D to join yet, and then says that Beer Money needs to learn...yep, you got it, RESPECT. You know what? I think every obnoxious wrestler in TNA needs to learn how to respect whatever fans they have left by not being so boring and repetitive. You can't get respect if you don't respect other people. [/wordsofwisdom]

Hermie Sadler, a race car driver who I didn't know existed until this very second, is with Lauren in the back. he has a new show on TNAwrestling.com starting in 2009. Am I actually plugging TNA's website after all the shit they just put on the air? How low have I gotten?

Kevin Nash & Kurt Angle vs. Abyss & The Blueprint of Failure

Angle and Abyss start it off. Angle locks in a Headlock, but Abyss lifts him up and Irish Whips him. Abyss then hits a Shoulder Tackle, followed by a Clothesline. He beats on Angle in the corner, and eventually hits the Shock Treatment. Why is it that the only time Angle can possibly look weak in a match is against Abyss. It makes no sense because no one cares how good Abyss does in the ring. People are too transfixed on the fact that his tag team partner sucks so much that he makes Kip James look 0.0000005% better. That's saying something. Or, they could just be jealous of his SUPER AWESOME, TOTALLY AMAZING DNA. Back to the match, Angle kicks out at 2, so here comes Matt Morgan! ...Silence.

Morgan hits a Bodyslam on Angle and then drops an elbow. Nash gets the tag and hits a Clothesline on Morgan. He then used the boot to choke Morgan in the corner. Kurt gets back in and goes back and forth with fists with Morgan. Angle hits two European Uppercuts, and goes for the Angle Slam, but Morgan turns it into a Clothesline. Beer Money and Jacqueline come down from the back to watch. Why?

Both Nash and Abyss get tagged in. Abyss uses a bunch of Clothesline on both Angle and Nash, followed by Running Splashes on both of them. Abyss then hits a Side Slam on Nash, but Angle breaks up the pin attempt. Abyss throws Angle to the outside, so Nash and Morgan fight in the ring. Nash hits a Back Elbow. Just watching Kevin Nash trying to wrestle makes me feel like I'm being injured. Morgan misses a Bicycle Kick, and flips over the top rope. Abyss throws Angle back inside the ring and goes up to the top rope. James Storm jumps up onto the apron and shatters his beer bottle on Abyss's head. Abyss comes off the ropes and flys(?) right into Kevin Nash's Big Boot, which gets the win.

Winners: Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash

Mick Foley comes down to the ring for his 456th "huge announcement." He says that he MEM is part of the past, and that he shares the past with him. Do I sense a Foley heel turn sometime in the future? He agrees that the MEM could be the best stable in wrestling history. WHAT. THE. FUCK. He also says that the MEM could be the past, present, and future of TNA. Again, WHAT. THE. FUCK. It's not even that the comment is logically incorrect, but it's also factually incorrect since none of these guys were there for TNA's inception to be part of the past, and once they stop making the money they earn now, they won't be a part of the future either.

Mick announces two co-main events for Final Resolution. 1.) Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Sting vs. AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and two others who have yet to be named. Nice little deal there. I can't complain. But hey, leave it to TNA to put a horrible twist on it. If the MEM wins, Sting keeps his title, and if the MEM loses, AJ Styles gets the title. Basically, it means that AJ can take his sweet ass time in this match, and hell, he doesn't even have to get involved. Samoa Joe can do all the fighting for him and actually score the pin (hahaha, right. Like the MEM is going to lose) and AJ Styles will still win the title. Oh TNA, you never fail to make me question why I watch your product. The second match is Kurt Angle vs. Rhino. Which I think deserves another resounding WHAT. THE. FUCK. Nothing makes any sense anymore. How the hell can Rhino push himself into the main event when last week, he didn't even exist?

Kurt Angle comes down now. He's all up in Foley's face. He wants to know why Jarrett won't face him. He then challenges Mick Foley and slaps him. This keeps getting worse and worse. Oh joy, here comes Jeff Jarrett. jeff wants Kurt out of TNA. He says he can't fire him (yes you can...) but he can add a ridiculous stipulation onto his match with Rhino! If Rhino wins, Angle is done with TNA, but if Angle wins, he gets Jeff Jarrett. Could you make the outcome of this match any more obvious? Kurt slaps Jeff when he offers his hand, but Jeff just smiles and points to the ramp, where Rhino now runs down and Gores Angle.

And that just about does it for this week. The MEM has been around for a month now, maybe a little bit longer, and that Gore that Angle just took was literally the most vulnerable they have ever looked. That's really saying something, and it's not a good thing. As for my prediction? Clearly, Jeff Jarrett has to involve his egotistical self. The TNA Originals can't succeed without Jarrett's amazing power. I swear, it must be a great, great thing to be able to let your ego run wild on national TV whenever you please.

Normally, this would be where my incredibly long and drawn-out conclusion goes. But this week, I'm skipping that. Seriously, no one reads conclusions anyway. Just send feedback, as always to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or send me an e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). I don't know if I can handle much more of this atrocity, but I'll keep trying because God knows, nobody else is going to want to.

by Nicole Cooper



I told you all not to order Turning Point. And I'm sure you all thought, "oh come on, it can't be THAT bad! AJ Styles at least is getting a title shot!" Well to that say, "yes, yes it can be that bad and it was that bad, AJ's title shot or not." Sure the wrestling was pretty good, but the actual results? Holy fucking crap, just thinking about it gets me ready to cry hysterically out of pure rage. We can't relive the NWO (unless we want TNA to go under, which surprisingly, I don't), but as it turns out, that is exactly what's going on. And now, with Christian Cage's alleged departure from TNA, we're about to take 10 more steps down the hill to failure tonight.

Tonight's show is called: "Christian Gets Made (to look like a total bitch)" Except I added that last part, but hey, foreshadowing is a good thing.

Jeremy Borash spoke with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley about NWO V. 2 winning all their matches at Turning Point (I hate typing that). Jarrett says the Originals have to fight back, and Foley was embarrassed by the behavior of several wrestlers on Sunday, Alex Shelley in particular. Why is Alex Shelley always the one to look like a total jackass? Petey Williams just looks like an asshole (probably because of his resemblance to Scott Steiner). Why can't it be Petey, huh? 

Mick Foley makes his way down to the ring, which already has all of the TNA Originals in it (AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Eric Young, Petey Williams, Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal, Chis Sabin, and Alex Shelley.) Shelley was apparently acting up, which really he wasn't, but he's the horrible person here, so we will be forced hate him no matter what, just so we don't turn on Joe or some other guy whose more important than Shelley for los ing every single fucking match they've been in against the NWO. Foley calls him out, and says he'll deal with him next week.

Foley tells the rest of them that they need to understand the power of words, and Joe should watch out for the mental mistakes that made Nash beat him on Sunday. They should learn from their mistakes, look for new opportunities to shine, and blah blah blah, a whole bunch of more useless cliches considering they will all still be crushed by the NWO anyway. Tonight, Eric Young has a shot at the X Division title, Styles and Joe get to face Beer Money, and Jay Lethal gets a World title shot...? He does? The crowd was so dead for this whole thing, I can't even get slightly excited for any of it.

Lauren tries to talk to Christian Cage in the back. Kurt Angle and the rest of the NWO show up to tell him there will be a party. Steiner gives Cage a suit to wear, and Angle tells Cage that he will be a "made man" later in the night. Cage then throws the suit in the garbage once they leave. It's probably just me, but every time I see the NWO on the screen, I feel it's only a matter of time before TNA copies Edge and Lita a nd gives us their own Live Sex Celebration. Unfortunately though, it'll involve Steiner, Angle, Nash, Booker, and Sting. Get those remote controls ready, because they will be useful on that day. Or any day TNA is on, really.

Awesome Kong & Rhaka Khan w/ Raisha Saeed vs. Taylor Wilde & Roxxi

I absolutely hate how TNA is pushing Roxxi as the fucking second coming of Sabu. It's getting a bit ridiculous, as is everything else they put on the air and try to pass as good television. Kong attacks Wilde on the outside and whips her into the railing. Wilde gets tossed across the ring by Kong, and gets hit with a Splash. Rhaka Khan is tagged in now and hits a Kneedrop, and chokes Wilde in the corner with her legs.

Kong gets tagged back in, and Roxxi gets in as well. Roxxi hits a couple of fore arm shots on Kong, until Khan comes back in with an Axe Kick. Silly Rhaka, black people can't hit Axe Kicks. Ever. All four of the women attack each other in the ring after that, until both Roxxie and Wilde hit a Double Clothesline on Khan. They then take down Kong with a Double Dropkick. Kong is then able to hit the Implant Buster on Roxxie to pick up the w in.

Winners: Awesome Kong and Rhaka Khan

Lauren is with the Motor City Machine Guns in the back. Chris Sabin tells Styles and Joe to get things done by any means necessary. Lauren then takes a little trip to Traci Brooks' office. She still has a job? Saeed is in there making quite the spectacle out of herself, screaming for opponents for Kong. Instead of actually replying and setting up good matches, Brooks decides to ask Khan why she's on Kong's side. "Who wouldn& #39;t want to join the Beast?" Don't think that makes you smart by having Kong on your side. Because it doesn't. It does the total opposite considering your chances of ever becoming Knockouts Champ are gone because of this partnership.

Eric Young vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir; X Division Title Match

Crazy Ref is officiating this match. I sense a questionable victory for Eric Young here. Bashir jumps Young once the bell rings, but Eric hits a Belly to Belly Suplex. Bashir gets in a Drop Toe Hold and sends Eric to the corner. He then locks in a Body Scissors. Young pulls apart Bashir's legs (lolwut?) and shoves him into the corner. Young hits a Running Back Elbow and a Snap Slam, followed by a Clothesline. He then goes after Bashir in the corner, but Craze Ref pulls him away, which allows Bashir to get in a Low Blow. I guess Crazy Ref noticed, because he refuses to count the pin.

Bashir, pissed off, shoves Crazy Ref down to the mat. So in response, Crazy Ref "Hulks up" in the best way a referee who has been stuck in an extremely strange angle can, and hits a Body Slam and a Dropkick on Bashir. This allowed Young to hit a Death Valley Driver to win the title.

Winner and new X Division Champion: Eric Young

Normally, I wouldn't mind angle developments pre-match, but considering how the TNA Originals need all the credibility they can get at this point, and Eric Young only won because of the help of a RANDOM REFEREE, things are not looking good.

The rest of the TNA Originals pile into the ring to congratulate Young. After the commercials, Lauren is taking with the TNA Originals. Eric Young dedicated his victory to Mick Foley, and says it was time for the Originals to shine. I agree. It is time for the Originals to shine, or to at least show a slight chance of glittering. It's not going to happen.

TNA Rough Cuts aired for LAX. It was actually pretty interesting, so no jokes this time. In the back, Jeremy Borash is talking to the NWO. Angle says that Young didn't beat any NWO members to win the title. That's true. Because it would never ever happen. Petey Williams now runs in to talk to Scott Steiner. Everyone except Steiner was ready to eat him alive, but Scott just tells him to get out.

Lauren is with Jay Lethal now. He has the most creative line of the night in "the Stinger gets stung tonight." I wish I was that clever. Petey wishes him luck.

Scott Steiner vs. Rhino

This isn't going to be good. Not at all. They lock up, and Scott flips Rhino across the ring. They get in a shoving match, and Rhino hits a few fists and sends Steiner to the ropes. Scott bounces back to hit a Belly to Belly Overhead Suplex. He chokes Rhino on the ropes and got in a couple of Knife Edge Chops. He then lays Rhino out with a clothesline, and does a few push-ups. You arrogant asshole.

I'm falling asleep from this match. Once I am able to pry my eyes open, Rhino hits a Belly to Belly Suplex. Rhino sets up for the Gore, and Kurt Angle came down at some point I guess, because he grabs Rhino's ankle, which allows Scott to hit a Rolling Belly to Belly for the win. Thank God it's over

Winner: Scott Steiner

Jeremy Borash is with Sting now. I don't even know what he's saying. I hate him too much now to even care to listen. I'd say that because of that, you'd be suffering, but really, I'm sure none of you care about Sting either. Sting's job should have been to help put over talent, and he's been in TNA for years, and I'm still fucking waiting for that to happen.

Sting vs. Jay Lethal; World Heavyweight Title Match

Do you seriously think Lethal stand a chance? Because if you do, just know I'm virtually laughing in your face right now. THE CROWS BOOED STING DURING HIS INTRODUCTION! Are this people finally catching on!? It's about God damn time.

Jay hits a bunch of fists, and he follows that up with a Dropkick and a Flying Clothesline. Lethal begins pounding Sting in the corner, but Sting flips him over the ropes. Lethal hits a Suicide Dive, and Sting limps back into the ring as we cut to commercials.

Once back, Sting hits a Clothesline and a Suplex. Lethal rolls out of the ring, but Sting goes out and grabs him. The Motor City Machine Guns come down to ringside at this point to watch. Sting rolls Lethal back into the ring and locks in a Rear Chin Lock. Lethal manages to power out, and hit a Back Suplex and a few Clotheslines. Jay hits a Dropkick, and Shelley distracts the referee so Sabin could hold Sting down for Jay to get in a few che ap shots. Lethal kicks Sabin out since he wants to win cleanly, so Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop to pick up the win. Nice move, Lethal.

Winner: Sting

Some video game awards commercial aired in the middle of the show, but once it cut back, backstage, the NWO totally destroyed Petey Williams. Lots of blood, and weapons. Everything needed for some good entertainment, and we didn't even get to witness it.

Jeremy Borash is with Beer Money and Jacqueline. Roode was upset that they have to wrestle tonight, and Storm tells Joe and AJ to focus on Beer Money, not their silly war. This is going to be such a hard match for me to watch. Who to cheer for? Hmm. Oh crap, I sound like your basic Impact Zone fan going between Sting and the Originals. I hate myself.

Beer Money w/ Jacqueline vs. Samoa Joe & AJ Styles; Tag Team Titles Match

James Storm comes down to the ring on a beer scooter, therefore,  I'm on Beer Money's side tonight. James Storm is more awesome then your mind will even let you believe. The match starts, and Styles starts working over Storm with a Flying Knee, and he tags in Joe. Roode also gets the tag, and gets in a few Knife Edge Chops. Joe retaliates with an Enziguri and tags Styles back in. There's a bunch of double teaming going on, a nd Team 3D come down to the announce table.

After the break, Styles gets flipped over the ropes by Roode. He then goes for a Springboard Flying Fore-arm, but Roode tags in Storm who gets the advantage. Storm then steps down and gets in 3D's face. Roode goes for a Belly to Belly, but Styles slips out. AJ hits an Enziguri to break free. Beer Money begin to double team AJ, but he eventually hits a Pele.

Both Joe and Roode get tagged in now. Joe hits a Samoan Drop on Storm, and lifts Roode up for a Spinning Drop. Team 3D then decide to leave the announce table. Ray grabs some beer and spits it in Storm's eyes, which gets a DQ.

Winners by DQ: Beer Money

Easily the best match of the night. But hey, this is TNA after all, so just when you think that maybe things can end on a positive note...

A promo Suicide airs. But no, that is not the issue here. The issue is this: The Not So Beautiful People and Kip fucking James are on my TV screen inviting SARAH PALIN to come to TNA and join them and receive $50,000 for a charity of her choice in the process. OH MY FUCKING GOD, PLEASE, TNA, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ANY OF YOUR VIEWERS, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. I'M BEGGING YOU. FOR MY SAKE, BECAUSE I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS WEEKLY, AND FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, PLEASE.

Alright. Moving on. The NWO comes down to the ring now, without Sting. Kurt Angle asks Christian to join them. Cage comes down in his street clothes, and the NWO seems pretty angry about this. And once again, Scott Steiner and his awkward suit is one of the only things that entertained me tonight.

Kurt tells Cage that he needs to bond with all the members of the NWO, but then he mentions that Cage has refused to negotiate a new contract with TNA. He says Cage wants to jump ship to WWE. I then start crying (not really) because I realize where this going and I know TNA is about to start sucking even more. Angle then says that tonight is Cage's "going away party". It's his last night in TNA(?) and he ends up being absol utely destroyed by Kurt and friends. And to take us out, YET AGAIN, the NWO stand over Cage with their arms raised, secretly laughing on the inside knowing that they're the Triple H and/or Hulk Hogan of TNA.

And that just about does it for this week. I read a seriously awesome column earlier this week about the Main Event Mafia and a list of some really good reasons to prove that they are really ruining TNA (as if it's not already obvious). But because of that, I've now become incredibly curious. Is there anyone out there, who is mentally stable, that actually likes the Main Event Mafia? Seriously, if you exist, I'm interested in kno wing how that's possible. As always, all feedback can be sent to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or my e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). And just as I promised, I am back to being on time this week, so I think that deserves some feedback, right? Right. So go do that.

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. Now before you all ask me "oh Nicole, why are you so late again? I can't live without your recaps and you have yet again left me without a recap for when I wake up! How could you be so cruel!?!" I will tell you how. I spent the majority of the week at the hospital due do some family emergency sort of deal, so I really had no time to watch Impact until 5AM this morning. I'll tell you this much though: never strip naked and run through 3 glass doors. Trust me. It's a bad idea.

Now onto the wrestling and such. Tonight's episode is called: Hit Man for the Mafia. I'm assuming they're referring to Scott Steiner who has once again graced us with his awful presence all in an attempt to bother us to our very core and remind us that yes, NO MATTER HOW BAD TNA MAY BE RIGHT NOW, IT'S ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT WORSE. Am I right?

Speaking of getting a whole hell of a lot worse, here comes the Main Event Mafia! That flowed pretty nicely. Angle introduces Scott Steiner as the hit man of the MEM. Scott Steiner should not be allowed to wear suits. Ever. Steiner and Nash do the Wolfpac sign together, and all I can think is "OH GOD NO! WHY!?! WCW DIED FOR A REASON, YOU DUMBASS!"

Steiner rants about the lack of respect in TNA and how it's pissed him off. There's tons of irony in that because him talking about the lack of respect in TNA is pissing me off. The crowd is actually cheering for this shit. Scott says that the only stars in TNA are in the MEM and that they will be "kicking your ass and look good doing it." Which leads me to believe that Scott Steiner's house doesn't have any mirrors in it. 

This brings out the TNA Originals. Samoa Joe mocks Steiner for not being able to cut a promo. As bad as this angle is, there are a few little gems. This being one of them. Joe also goes off about Nash turning his back on him, and how he'll probably do the same to Scott. He then brings out Christian Cage as the newest member of the TNA Originals. Wait... since when is Cage a TNA Original? 

This is wear Cage corrects Joe. He said he isn't picking a side, but he will be happy to lend a hand. This means sometime in the future, Cage will be a member of the MEM. Cage goes on to say that he will beat and embarrass Booker on Sunday at Turning Point.

Jeremy Borash is in the back with Mick Foley and AJ Styles. Mick has yet another message for everyone. I'm pretty sure this is Foley's new job; pretending he has a major part in the company, when really, he's just used to make the crowd a little more interested in the product with these "major announcements." Foley is mad that Borash was insensitive when he talked about seeing a kid in the hospital, and Styles went to look for Joe.

Booker T w/ Sharmell & Beer Money vs. Christian Cage & The Motor City Machine Guns

Sharmell's mere presence at ringside has me ready to attack at any given point and rip her throat out should she decide to speak. Shelley and Sabin double team Roode with a bunch of different moves until Storm hits an Enziguri on Sabin, which allows Roode to hit a Spinebuster. Beer Money gets in a Double Suplex on Sabin, and Storm goes for a Reverse Playmaker and a Rear Chin Lock.

Christian Cage gets tagged in and hits an Inverted DDT on Beer Money. Booker T tags in now, and gets hit with a Frog Splash from Cage. At this point, the match becomes a total clusterfuck, with Suicide Dives, and Slingshot Crossbodies and the like.

Finally in the ring, Booker misses the Ax Kick (when the hell will he learn?), so Cage hits the Reverse Face Plant. Jacqueline jumps in to provide a distraction, so Sharmell slides in the Legends Title, which Booker uses on Cage to pick up the win.

Winners: Booker T and Beer Money

Borash is now talking with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett is warned that Angle is upset and wants Jarrett in the ring. If Jarrett wasn't already aware of this, he may just be an even bigger idiot then Matt Morgan. Who am I kidding? That's not possible. Anyway, Jarrett says that he will get into the ring if and when he's ready.

Kurt Angle magically appears, with security restraining him. No! Don't stop him! Let me enjoy this episode at least a little bit! Jarrett tells Angle that it's over, so in response, Angle threatens Jarrett's kids. As I've said before, wrestling + kids = ULTIMATE RAGE.

We now cut to the back and see that Kong and Saed have destroyed Roxxi. I like Roxxi as much as the next person, but really, she got what was coming to her after that horrible promo from a few weeks back. Lauren then talks about Roxxi being hurt and how she was bleeding from the back of her neck.

"The Blueprint of Failure" Matt Morgan (see how great I am at that?) & Abyss vs. Team 3D vs. LAX vs. Tanahashi & Volodor; 4 Team Ladder Match for the Number One Contendership to the Tag Titles

As I always say, the less Matt Morgan, the better. Keep the all-powerful Morgan and his high quality DNA far away from this ring for a large portion of this match, and it'll be good. Very good, even. Team 3D gets destroyed by Morgan and Abyss. Fuck you, TNA. Too much fighting to taking place for me to even try to keep track.

After a commercial break, a ladder was set up, but Hernandez tips it over and sends Morgan flying over the ropes. Oh Hernandez, you officially have my heart. Homicide hits a Faceplant off the ladder onto Devon, and went up the ladder, but Abyss catches him and hits the Shock Treatment. Brother Ray then comes in and Chokeslams Abyss. Tanahashi hits a Spinner Neckbreaker on Ray and then one on Devon as well, but then misses a Frog Splash. That allows Team 3D to hit the 3D on him. It looks as if they're about to win, but here comes Beer Money, who attack them.

Abyss comes back in the ring. Please God, no. No one is there to stop him. I'm begging you, please don't let this happen. He climbs up the ladder. Good God, I don't deserve this. Abyss grabs the contract for the win. God fucking dammit.

Winners: Abyss and Epic Failure

Mick Foley makes his way down to the entrance ramp. He wants to speak to AJ Styles. And this being TNA, instead of bringing down AJ, we get a promo for Suicide. Why must they do this Kaz? There was nothing wrong with Kaz aside from TNA's shitty booking.

Foley's down to the ring at this point and introduces Styles. The crowd is seriously behind Styles. Excuse me while I express my extreme rage: YOU CANNOT BE ON BOTH SIDES, YOU IDIOTS! YOU EITHER ARE ON FUCKING STING'S SIDE AND THE REST OF THE MEM OR YOU'RE ON THE TNA ORIGINALS' SIDE! FUCKING PICK ONE. Foley talks about Styles being an unknown before TNA and how Raven (the third love of my life) has a huge amount of respect for Styles. 

Foley said that it's time for his issues with Sting to come to an end. Styles is the "President Elect" of TNA. Sting now joins us in an attempt to tease me. See, whenever he comes out, he's secretly saying to me "change the channel, change the channel, change the channel..." And right when I'm about to he goes "HAHA, BITCH! YOU CAN'T!" At least that's what goes on in my mind.

Sting says that the younger talent want to be "fed with a silver spoon." Sting then says in time, Foley will be treated with as much disrespect as Sting. No he won't. Mick Foley's sole purpose in life isn't to annoy us so much that we're ready to stick coat hangers in our ears just so we don't have to listen to him. Sting now flips out on Styles for disrespecting him. Give it the fuck up. Sting screams about AJ's dad and son, and I'm not even listening to him anymore.

Lauren is with Taylor Wilde in the back talking about the attack on Roxxi. Wilde seems like she'd be genuinely upset if she wasn't such a bad actress. Wilde then walks right into Rhaka Khan, who offers her services to help out Wilde.

Awesome Kong & Raesha Saed vs. Taylor Wilde & Rhaka Khan

Wilde starts off with a bunch of kicks and a Leg Lariat, but Kong hits her with a Clothesline. Saed gets in now, and WIlde hits a Flying Arm Drag on her, followed by a Flying Headscissors. Saed got Wilde into a Scoop Slam and then a Downward Spiral Elbow. Kong gets back in again and throws Taylor across the ring by her hair. Wilde is able to get the tag to Rhaka Khan.

Kong and Khan (kinda cool to say... you should try it) have a little stare down in the middle of the ring. Khan then turns around and grabs Wilde by the throat. and hits the Uranage. SWEEEERVE~!11!!!1! I can just imagine how happy Russo must be right now in his office, laughing hysterically and practically falling out of his chair. Kong takes out Wilde with the Implant Buster.

Winners: Awesome Kong, Raesha Saed, and Rhaka Khan(?)

Borash is with Kevin Nash now. He wants to know if he's ready for Joe. Nash fires back with a line that is so full of comedy, I feel as if any joke I made would be horrible in comparison. Joe offended Scott Hall a year ago, and because of that and ONLY because of that, Nash trained so hard to get revenge. Holy fuck, that's great.

Mike Tenay talked with Sheik Abdul Bashir. He says how after 9/11, his life changed forever. He loves America, but hates Americans. That's not what you said a few weeks ago, Bashir. Tenay then makes some douche comments, so Bashir gets all up in his face (did I just say that?) and got ready to attack him. Unfortunately, Tenay has security drag him away.

We not get a rundown for the card for Turning Point, which in itself looks to be good, but taking in the angles these matches are built around and outside interference and every other thing that can and will go wrong, I'm not sure it's worth the money.

Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle & Sting vs. Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed & Eric Young

I'm not going to lie, I liked Eric Young better when he was made a joke out of. Comedy is good in angles like this, and unfortunately, the only comedy we receive is seeing Scott Steiner in a suit. Angle hits a European Uppercut on Lethal, but Lethal comes back with a Cartwheel Dropkick. Kevin Nash tags in and works on Lethal's neck, eventually hitting a Backbreaker, before he completely collapses and needs to be carted out of the arena, never to return again. That's a lie. But how awesome would that be?

Sting tags in and hits a bunch of kicks on Lethal. Angle and Sting keep tagging in and out to work over Jay Lethal even more. Lethal is finally able to tag out to Eric Young. Young goes for a Spicoli Driver on Sting, but Angle jumps in and takes Young down. Angle goes for the Ankle Lock, but Young goes for another Spicoli Driver. And now I wonder, where exactly is Consequences Creed? Angle avoids the second Spicoli Driver and locks in the Ankle Lock, but Young tags in Creed. Creed takes Nash out with a Superkick and hits a Rolling Clothesline on Angle. The match breaks down at this point, but Angle finishes Creed with an Angle Slam.

Winners: Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, and Sting.

This felt like a totally glorified squash match to me. It could be my total disdain for the MEM talking, or it could be the truth. Whichever, really.

Lauren is with Rhino, talking about his feud with Bashir. He's not fighting for the title, he's fighting to shut up Bashir. Since when does Rhino scream "patriotism"? Never. That's when. He also threatens to Gore Lauren. Why...? She may the only female interviewer who doesn't drive me absolutely insane.

Scott Steiner vs. Samoa Joe

Scott and Joe fight before the bell even rings. Joe hits a bunch of Knife Edge Chops and fists, and Steiner hits a hard knee. Joe hits an Enziguri, and a Snap Mare to send Steiner to the mat. Joe then hits a Kneedrop and locks in the Clutch, but Steiner uses a Low Blow to get out of it. Has no one else ever thought of that before? Seriously?

Scott gains control with a few Knife Edge Chops and an Over Head Belly to Belly Suplex. He locks in a Rear Chin Lock and a Steinerline. Steiner proceeds to be even more of a jackass and does a bunch of pushups in the middle of the ring.

After the break, Joe hits a Bit Boot and a Senton Backsplash. Fucking Kevin Nash comes down to the ring. Joe sees him and tries to attack, but the distraction allows Steiner to jump Joe from behind. Joe hits a Suicide Dive through the ropes and catches Nash with it. Steiner pulls out a pair of brass knuckles and knocks Joe out for the win.

Winner: Scott Steiner

Way to make Samoa Joe look worthy of his position, TNA. You guys seriously couldn't even let Steiner win cleanly and make Joe look a little bit better?

After the bell, Nash beats on Joe until Styles shows up with a chair. Kurt Angle is out and starts clapping for all the destruction... yet again... for the third week in a row. Impact ends with the MEM celebrating.

Okay, so I know I said I'd have some hope for this, but all hope has been lost. TNA has created the second coming of the NWO and there's no way this will do them any good. No matter who goes over at this point, the results will be bad. So bad. The TNA Originals look too weak, and having them go over the Mafia will then make the Mafia look too weak. All talk, but no action, so to speak. Having the Mafia continue to go over, will make the Originals look even worse and would make many fans question why TNA would even let Joe win the title to begin with, let alone employ any of them. Dammit, I just went off on a totally unnecessary tangent. But hey, at least I won't have 10 more people ask me what I "really" think of the MEM this week. Like I'd lie in all these recaps and but then suddenly tell them the truth when only one person would be able to read it, like it's a deep, dark secret. Fuck. I'm done.

As always, all feedback can be sent to my e-mail address (fersureenicole@gmail.com) or to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268). That includes all jokes being made at Matt Morgan, Sting, and Scott Steiner's expense, and all complaints about me being horrible with deadlines. Or you know, just average feedback works well too. And that about does it. Next week I will be here on time, dammit! So until then, don't order Turning Point. Seriously.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).