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by Nicole Cooper



Welcome back to the better late than never edition of the TNA Impact Report. Why am I so late, you ask? It was around Halloween, do you really think I'm staying home to watch Sting lecture me on respect in his ridiculous sunglasses when I could be going to Halloween parties where I will be the only one left who isn't drunk? I thought so. Anyway, last week's Impact sucked... badly. And hey, don't get your hopes up because it doesn't look much better tonight.
 Tonight's show is called: The Making of the Mafia. In actuality though, it's really the making of various suicide notes from Impact viewers. TNA wants you guys to stop watching their shows, it's become quite obvious.
Samoa Joe and AJ Styles make their way to the ring. Styles says how he's glad Foley is in TNA, but the TNA originals want to fight alone. I'm pretty sure Foley never offered to take your side to fight, AJ. STING FINALLY GETS BOOED WHEN HIS NAME IS MENTIONED! It's about time, you dumbasses. He then gets angry that none of the other guys from TNA came out to help him and Joe last week, and asks if they have the balls to help.
 And here comes Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, Petey Williams, ODB, and Eric Young. This raises two questions: One, ODB, really? And two, since when is Petey Williams a face? Joe thanks them all for coming out, but here come the Motor City Machine Guns. Holy fuck, they are letting the love of my life (Alex Shelley) speak?!? The world is ending. This is a sign. Shelley wants to know why the Guns should get involved in this fight. He also says how Joe doesn't care about any of them, which leads to Joe slapping him in the face. You know, life was so much easier when I didn't know that Alex Shelley had a lisp.
Time to drag out the pain and suffering, here comes the Main Event Mafia. The crowd is entirely dead for all of this. Worse than a Taylor Wilde entrance, so to speak. And rightfully so, the Main Event Mafia is sucking, and sucking big time. Kurt says the MEM is his family and they deserve and demand... you guessed it, RESPECT! NO YOU DON'T! YOU CAN'T GET ANY RESPECT WHEN YOU IRRATE OVER ONE MILLION (I'm shocked too) PEOPLE TO THE CORE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEK! It's true.
 Nash takes the microphone and says that Joe spit in Nash's face. Metaphorically, I'm assuming. I wouldn't know, I really hardly pay any attention when I write these things. Nash says there will be a war. I'd be more than willing to join this war with some atomic bombs. It'd be pretty cool to watch Sting explode into a million tiny pieces. Booker is on the mic know, and he says that the war will start tonight, and it's "all about the five."  Spoiler: It's a new member. And if you didn't want to gouge your eyes from watching the MEM before, well, you're about to.
Borash is talking to Jeff Jarrett in his office and asks him what he's going to do. Retire? Hire a personal stylist? Get off my TV? Fire Matt Morgan? Get rid of the MEM? The possibilities are endless. No, he says he will let Styles and Joe do what they want. Jarrett is a dream-crusher. This brings in Foley, saying he needs to speak to Sting. Jarrett leaves the room to "go and take a Kurt." Oh, Jarrett, how can you be so clever?
The Extremely Fake Looking People are talking to the Lauren. Just Kip James's mere presence makes me want to suffocate him with that boa. Love calls Christy Hemme plastic, which is really the most ironic thing I've heard in a long time. Sky then asks if ODB is a girl or a guy, which is still a mystery to all of us at home as well.
Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/ Kip James vs. Christy Hemme & ODB.
What happened to Rock and Rave? Not so much Rock, but still, I enjoy myself a good guitar hero gimmick, and they're nowhere to be seen. Either way, if I want to actually finish this recap before it's two days late, I can't put any effort into the matches. If you e-mail me telling me you care, especially about this match, I'll virtually laugh in your face. Hemme and ODB control the match early on, until Sky hangs Hemme across the top rope. Love and Sky work Hemme over with a bunch of quick tags until Hemme and Love take each other down with a hair toss.
 Love and Hemme both manage to tag in their partners, and ODB destroys Sky. ODB hits a Running Power Slam which would have picked them up the win if Love didn't break it up. Hemme runs in and kicks Love to the floor and jumps on Kip, while ODB slams Sky down to the canvas for the win.
Winner: Hemme and ODB. This angle is not going anywhere, I can promise you that.
Lauren is talking with Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin. Joe stops them and wants to know where they stand. Sabin says they are on Joe's side. Joe has trust issues though, and wants to see if they'll actually be there when they need to be. Regardless of how horrible and one-sided this "war" will be at first, The MCMG are getting time to talk, and I for one, cannot complain about that.
Borash is with Eric Young. He says that tonight, we will find out who the "real" Eric Young is. So, you mean that since 2004 we've been watching an impostor Eric? You learn something new everyday.
James Storm w/ Jacqueline and Robert Roode vs. Eric Young
Young takes Storm down with a few Drop Kicks, until Storm hits back with a kick of his own that sends Young to the floor. This is going to be a tough match for me. Who do I love more? James Storm or Eric Young? I'm leaning towards Storm. Moving on, Storm distracts the ref, so Roode can work over Young on the outside.
Once back inside, Storm delivers the Eye of the Storm, but Young kicks out. Jacqueline distracts the referee so Roode can jump up and spit beer in Young's face, but he ducks, and it hits Storm instead. Young rolls up Storm to pick up the win.
Winner: Eric Young.
Beer Money attacks Young after the bell, with Storm Super Kicking security out of his way. My love for this man will never be properly expressed here. Sabin and Shelley are out now to attack Beer Money and raise Eric's arm, despite him not doing anything calling for an arm raising.
Lauren is with Roxxie and Taylor Wilde in the back. They want to find Kong and attack here. Simple and to the point. Following that, we learn how we can Impact the Vote. I'm pretty sure that's copyright infringement in at least an extremely small way.
Borash is in Awesome Kong's locker room. Wilde and Roxxie run in and attack Kong and Saed. Roxxie shoves Saed into a toilet, which is seriously disgusting, and then she ran Kong into a door and some lockers.
Sheik Abdul Bashir comes down to the ring to join West and Tenay on commentary for the next match. I can tell I'm going to enjoy this. I'd say that maybe he can shut West up a bit, but he can't. No one can. And I suffer because of it.
Tanahashi & Volador vs. The Motor City Machine Guns
They're really shoving the MCMG down our throats tonight, and I'm enjoying every last second of it. Oh, and the guys they're facing tonight competed in the World X Cup. If you really need to know what teams, then search it for yourself, you lazy fuck. Tanahashi and Volador get the early advantage, and use a bunch of double team moves to stay in control.
Once everything dies down a bit, they take turns working over Shelley, until Volador misses a Moonsault, so Shelley tags in Sabin. Sabin hits a Springboard Clothesline, while Shelley takes out Tanahashi on the outside. Sabin hits the Cradle Shock on Volador, to pick up the win.
Winners: The Motor City Machine Guns.
 Bashir has a little bitchfit on commentary in a language I don't understand after the Guns won. He then gets into the ring and slaps Volador. Rhino then comes out and Gores Bashir. It doesn't even matter anymore. Rhino is so irrelevant and no longer brings anything to the table.
 Lauren talks with Christian Cage in the back about his challenge to Booker T's sad excuse for a title belt. Cage accepts Booker's challenge, which was that if Cage looses, he will have to join the MEM. He says that he would never choose to join this atrocity, just not exactly in those words, and that he's on his own side.
 Kevin Nash & Booker T vs. Samoa Joe & AJ Styles
Booker and Nash don't even enter the ring together, despite being in the MEM together. Don't you love how educated everyone over at TNA is? The match starts, and Nash tries to work over Styles, but Styles is able to hit a Springboard Dropkick. Joe then randomly takes Booker out and sends him to floor.
Once the commercial break is over, Joe is working over Nash in the corner of the ring, but Nash gets in an elbow and tags in Booker. Booker actually nails an Axe Kick on Joe (for the first time ever, seriously). He goes for the pin, but Styles breaks it up. Nash and Booker team up on Joe, until Joe counters an Axe Kick with a Snap Slam (I knew that first Axe Kick was too good to be true.)
Joe tags in Styles, and he goes after Nash and Booker. He hits a Flying Forearm on Booker and locks on an Armbar, but Nash breaks that up. Joe locks on a Rear Naked Choke on Nash, and Styles hits a Pele Kick on Booker to pick up the win.
Winner: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe
All the "TNA Originals" run out to celebrate with Styles and Joe. And now, in back, Lauren is with Abyss and Matt Morgan. I sense awful things are about to happen. I'll keep my fingers close to the caps lock key so I can be prepared. Abyss says that he just has a flesh burn. But nuh-uh! Matt Morgan will have none of that! He says he can't be at ringside to help Abyss, and Abyss still wants revenge on Angle. Clearly, Matt Morgan is so worried only because Matt Morgan's DNA lets him heal himself in .4 seconds. Unfortunately for Abyss, his DNA isn't powerful enough.
Borash is talking with Real Estate Steve (God, I miss Frank Trigg and his stupidity) about Mick Foley. Sting says that he hasn't seen Foley in a decade and he hopes both him and Foley could keep an open mind. I know I say this every week, but I really need to get this off of my chest: I cannot fucking take Sting anymore. Seriously, I'm this close to just ignoring everything he's involved in from this point on and just skipping over his part.
Mick Foley comes out to a huge pop. He plugs the new Impact HD set. Really, all set changes are bad. I miss the huge Smackdown fist, the shitty old ECW one, and the confusing double entrances of the Impact Zone. Foley announces two matches for Turning Point, Kevin Nash vs. Samoa Joe (because God knows how great that match he had against Angle was where his knees COMPLETELY GAVE OUT EVERY FUCKING SECOND.) Also, he announces Sting vs. AJ Styles (which I dislike because it includes Sting, but it's for the title, but there's no hope for AJ here.) After that, he asks Sting to come and join him.
Sting comes down in a different suit then the one he had on for the rest of the night. That's class. Foley thanks Sting for "putting him on the map," but wants to know why Sting joined the MEM. Sting says that the DISRESPECT from Joe and Styles destroyed Sting's hope for holding TNA together. Sting cannot hold TNA together. Nothing can at this point. This ends with Sting telling Foley that "this isn't your war, it's mine." That makes me nervous. Is Sting going to lead the MEM? Please God, do not let this happen.
Borash tries to talk to Angle, but Kurt just shoves him aside. Poor Borash, still not getting the hint. Angle says he will go through everyone to get to Jarrett and he's capable of doing anything to get what he wants. Yes everyone, that 2 hour Impact of Jarrett and Angle only is coming very soon. I suggest you run while you can.
Abyss vs. Kurt Angle
Abyss has the early advantage, so Angle simply leaves the ring and begins to walk back. Abyss follows him and drags him back into the ring where he still has the advantage and hits a Side Slam for a 2 count. He sends Angle to floor with a Clothesline, and Angle jumps pas the guardrail and heads into the crowd.
After the break, Abyss knocks Angle down some steps and rolls him back into the ring. Angle starts to get a few shots in at Abyss's knees, but Abyss hits  Big Boot and the Shock Treatment, but isn't able to pick up the win. Abyss goes for a Choke Slam, but Angle counters it into an Ankle Lock. Abyss is able to come back with a Choke Slam, but Angle kicks out and hits an Angle Slam and goes for the pin. Abyss kicks out, and is able to Powerbomb Angle, but he still manages to kick out.
Kurt rolls out of the ring and grabs a chair and hits Abyss with it and gets himself disqualified. What a waste of time.
Winner by DQ: Abyss
After the bell, Angle locks on an Ankle Lock, but here comes The Blueprint of Genetic Superiority himself, Matt Morgan! He hits a Bicycle Kick on Angle that I'm pretty sure kills him.
Booker and Nash run down to the ring and Nash grabs a chair. Morgan gets triple teamed by the MEM. Serves him right. Nash hits both Abyss and Morgan with the chair. I am loving this more than I should. All the TNA Originals run down to protect Morgan and Abyss, but just when you think that the total destruction of Abyss and Morgan will save tonight …….. here comes Scott Steiner. Yes, THAT Scott fucking Steiner. God dammit. He attacks everyone except Petey Williams. Eventually though, he does. This is the newest member of the Main Event Mafia. Things are going to start to get a whole hell of a lot worse.
 Sting makes his way down to the ring. Steiner locks the Steiner Recliner onto Creed and Booker hits an Axe Kick on either Sabin or Shelley. Styles spits in Sting's face, so Sting puts Styles in the Scorpion Death Drop. Impact ends with the MEM standing over the bodies of all the TNA Originals.
Someone should inform TNA that there's no way Sting, Steiner and Nash could go on much longer. And it's only a matter of time before Angle suffers that one injury that totally takes him out. So what does TNA do? Push them like they've never pushed them before, of course! Oh, and they completely ignore how bad they're making all the younger guys look when they can't even take on a guy who can't stand up straight for 5 seconds without breaking every bone in his body.
Well, that does it for this week. I know this wasn't exactly the best recap I've written so far, but I'm seriously just running so low on time lately. That doesn't mean I'm quitting though, not anytime soon at least. I like to think I'm doing every one of you a favor by suffering through Impact each and every week all so that you don't have to. As always, all feedback can be sent to my e-mail address (fersureenicole@gmail.com) or my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268). It'd be very much appreciated, and all of that good stuff.

by Nicole Cooper



Tonight's a big night for TNA. Not only are we live, but we're also at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and in HD. Excitement. Before I go on, I should mention that the place where this is coming from is absolutely horrible. It looks like one of those old AWA studios. But really, you don't want all the intricate set details any more then I want to type them, so without further ado, let's get right on into to.

Tonight's episode is called "What the Fuck was TNA Smoking this Week to Book all of this Shit?" Actually, I'm pretty sure we had no title tonight, but no title would be more appropriate then the one I just mentioned.

Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love and Kip James (who looks even more ridiculous then usual, if you can even imagine that) vs. Christy Hemme

Christy Hemme being pushed as a face will never work because no one will ever cheer for Rock and Rave (aside from me). But hey, that'll be the least of your worries tonight. Hemme hits a Monkey Flip, but Love sprays perfume in her eyes. This gave Sky the advantage, so she threw a Knife Edge Chop. She then climbs on the middle rope and smashes Christy's head into the turnbuckle.

In the corner, Velvet misses a Splash, so Hemme gets in a few Clotheslines and a Flying Double Sledge. She also slings Sky to the mat by her hair. Christy climbs the ropes, but James tries to interfere, but he gets nailed in the face instead. No amount of pain inflicted upon this man will ever satisfy me. Christy hits some sort of Leg Drop to pick up the win.

Winner: Christy Hemme

Jeremy Borash is talking with Kurt Angle in the back. He has an announcement (which you will soon see is the theme for this week). It will change pro wrestling forever, according to him. If it doesn't involve the death and/or termination of Sting and Matt Morgan, then consider me disappointed.

Booker T is also in the room, and he talks about the "elite" coming together in TNA. Nash is here too. This is getting pretty creepy. Oh, this is great, just when you think this Joe/ Sting thing is over, leave it TNA to throw it right back into our faces. After every single fucking sentence Nash says, we must suffer through Booker yelling in the background.... yep, that's right... "respeeeect!" But really, it makes se nse. I mean, the only way we'll ever understand TNA is if we have people summarizing storylines for us as they go along. Nash talks about coming back to take care of Joe, which is bullshit since he pretty much admitted that that wasn't true a few weeks back. Continuity rules!

Kurt then brings out Sting without face paint, but with a suit and sunglasses, the ultimate sign of serious business. He says how there's 75 years of experience in the room, and he's ready to demand respect, DESPITE HIM DEMANDING IT FOR OVER A MONTH ALREADY AND NOT GETTING A RESPONSE BECAUSE THIS ALL SUCKS SO FUCKING BADLY. Just saying. Oh, by the way, this giant group of annoyance is called the Main Event Mafia. Just go with it no m atter how stupid it may be. The less questions you have, the longer you will save your sanity.

Lauren is standing outside the hotel waiting for Foley to arrive. Mick pulls up in awesome, yet horribly junky car. He has an announcement too, you know. But we have to wait until later to hear it.

Booker and Sharmell make their way down to the ring with their briefcase. It is now time for their announcement. Are you ready for absolute failure? It's a new title. The TNA Legends Championship, to be exact. You know a bad angle has gone too far when a title has to be created to keep interest. While Booker unveils the title, the crowd chants "no more accent." What a bunch of morons. I bet these are the same idiots who sit at home rapping along to R-Truth's theme song. Booker awards himself the title, but really, who else is going to want it?

I spoke too soon because here comes Christian Cage. He is so above this. Actually, he's here to mock Booker for making his own title belt and to mock his accent. In response, Booker invites Cage to join the Main Event Mafia, which clearly, makes tons of sense. Cage turns him down, and challenges Booker for his new title at Turning Point. I smell a negative buy rate! Booker accepts the challenge but makes the stipulation that if Cage loos es, Cage has to join Booker T's unnecessary stable.

Abyss and Matt Morgan are with Lauren in the back. Morgan says he will not allow Abyss to wrestle tonight, even though Abyss wants to. Who needs Abyss when your DNA grants you the strength of 20,000 men?! I'm sorry. I know I said I'd stop those jokes. Abyss got 3rd degree burns at BFG, and Morgan feels guilty. At least he has one redeeming quality (that being his sympathy). Abyss says that when his burns heal, they have unfinished bu siness with Kurt.

Even though we should clearly have a match here, what with this being TNA's biggest TV show since getting 2 hours, we don't. Because that would be smart, and this is TNA we're talking about. Instead, we get Borash talking with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett will not tell Borash what his announcement is. You'd think that after all these years, Borash would get the hint that people hate talking to him.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Jay Lethal; X Division Title Match

I'm willing to bet that this match gets rushed just so we can suffer through more backstage segments. I don't know, it just seems like the TNA thing to do. Bashir jumps Lethal before the bell rings and hits a  Belly to Back Suplex and a Snap Mare. Bashir locks in a Rear Chink Lock and some Sledge Hammer Shots. Lethal ducks a Clothesline, and is able to gain the advantage with a Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors.

Lethal gets in a Dropkick and a Suicide Dive through the ropes which sends Bashir into the barricade. He rolls Bashir back inside the ring, and misses a Lethal Elbow. Because of that, Bashir hits with WMD for the win. I told you this would be rushed.

Winner and still X Division Champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Lauren is talking with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe about the Main Event Mafia. I'm going to need a really creative yet completely stupid name to call them. Styles delivers the best live I've heard in TNA so far, TNA is falling apart. How true. Joe then says to Sting that he can take his title, but he'll take his career. This may be the best promo in wrestling history simply because Sting's career is in jeopardy and TNA is being r ecognized as a failure.

Suicide promo airs. He's coming to TNA for revenge. I'm really going to enjoy how they explain this one. Just how do you do it when the only people who will know of him know him from a fake video game storyline?

In the back, Rhino and Bashir are getting into a little screaming match. Bashir I guess had some sort of open challenge that Rhino accepts. He is going to deport Bashir, in a body bag. Oh how I love me some death jokes. Bashir attacks Rhino and leaves him laying there while Lauren calls for help.

Beer Money w/ Jacqueline vs. LAX vs. Team 3D vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan w/ no DNA jokes; Tag Team Gauntlet Match

Fuck. This match is going to require effort. I'll half-ass it and you will learn to love it. Storm and Ray start off with Brother Ray hitting a few Knife Edge Chips, a Hip Toss, a Clothesline, and a Body Slam. Robert Roode enters next, so him and Storm double team Ray. They hit a Double Suplex, but then Devon enters the match. He hits a Hangman's Neckbreaker and a Flying Shoulder Tackle on Storm. Ray picks up Roode for a Side Slam, a nd now, Hernandez enters.

Hernandez gets in  Knife Edge Chop on Roode and a Back Body Drop on Storm. He also hits a Pounce on Roode. Storm comes back by kicking Hernandez in the face, and attempting a a Flying Crossbody, which Hernandez reverses into a Sit-out Powerbomb. Brother Ray gets back into the mix by setting Hernandez up for a Doomsday Device, but here comes Homicide.

I hate recapping matches like this. Homicide nails a Double Missile Dropkick on both Ray and Devon, and once he gets up, a Tornado DDT on Devon. Brother Ray eats a Hurancanrana from Homicide and then a Corckscrew Back Elbow on Devon. Fucking Matt Morgan comes in now. He takes out everyone in sight. I'm limiting myself to one DNA joke per recap, and unfortunately, I have already used it this week. He hits a Fallaway Slam on Homicide and t hrows him over the top rope to eliminate him.

Morgan then goes for a Running Clothesline on Devon which takes him out of the ring, eliminating him as well. Hernandez sends Morgan to the corner, but ends up being eliminated by Morgan. Matt Morgan is on fire... I really wish I could show some excitement while typing that. Too bad I despise this man so much. Abyss enters the match next, much to Morgan's dismay. Just shut the fuck up and let the man fight. He's 20 times more enterta ining then you will ever be, anyway. Morgan gets eliminated next by Roode and Ray. There is a God, and I officially love him.

Do you even care about this match? No? Well now it's time for me to exclude every detail I possibly can. Storm and Roode attack Abyss on the outside. In the ring, Devon brings in a table and the fans toss lighters in the ring. Abyss comes in to stop Ray from lighting the table. Abyss gets eliminated with a Clothesline from Team 3D.

Winners: Team 3D and Beer Money

Confused yet? Well, you see, It's still not over! Nope, now we get ANOTHER match. Lucky us.

Team 3D vs. Beer Money; Tables are Legal Match (What?)

Team 3D catches Roode with a 3D through a table. Jacqueline pulls the referee out of the ring to stop the count. Brother Ray goes after her, Storm spits beer into his eyes and gets the win.

Winners: Beer Money

Now really, this all could have been just as easily settled with a pretty good Table Match between Beer Money and Team 3D. But no, that would be the logical and easy thing to do. Welcome to TNA, everybody.

Here comes Kurt Angle. He wants to fight Jeff Jarrett and threatened to go to Jarrett's house. I'm convinced that going to another man's house is the most personal thing you can do to another wrestler. Visit a guy's son at a football game and maybe rape him? Somehow knowing the names of someone's children despite never associating with the man? Creepy, sure, but so long as it doesn't happen within a 50 feet radius of their house, there's no harm done. Really.

Jarrett walks down now saying their feud is over and done with. I bet he'd have a change of heart if he came out on the losing end at BFG. Angle whines and complains that he's the best wrestler ever. Jeff says Angle must take no for an answer, but for now, there's someone right behind him who wants to speak to him. It's Abyss. Oh, how unexpected. Abyss lifts Angle for a Black Hole Slam, but Angle breaks free and runs. Can you say "uneventful"?

Lauren is in the back talking to Raesha Saed. She doesn't like how Kong has to deal with Taylor Wilde. Someone should tell Saed that if in fact Kong didn't have to deal with Taylor Wilde, there would be no way for her to win the title. This goes to Borash who is with Taylor Wilde. She says that Kong will have to end her career to take her title.

Awesome Kong w/ Raesha Saed vs. Taylor Wilde; TNA Knockout Title Match

This bitch really needs to drop her title already. Kong goes for a big Splash, but Wilde is able to duck out of it. Wilde nails a Corkscrew Elbow on Kong, but ends up eating a Clothesline which gets a two count. Kong goes for a Knife Edge Chop and uses her boot to choke Wilde on the ropes. Taylor gets sent the corner so Kong can hit an Avalanche Splash. Poor Taylor stands no chance. She gets Chokeslammed by Kong which gets another two count.

Kong goes for an Awesome Bomb, but Wilde counters it into a Face Plant. Wilde goes to run off the ropes, but Saed tries to trip her up. Kong hits the Awesome Bomb for the win. It's about time.

Winner and new TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong

Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. Sting & Kevin Nash

For those last remaining idiots who are STILL cheering for Sting, this match was made to finally drive into your head, that yes, Sting is heel. An obnoxious, repetitive, and annoying one, but a heel nonetheless. Styles tries to send Nash across the ring, but Nash holds onto the ropes. He immediately goes and tags Sting in. Minimal effort on Nash's part. Can't say I'm surprised. Joe slaps Sting and reverses an Irish Whip into a Ru nning Back Elbow. He also hits an Enziguri. Styles gets in and hits a Kneedrop onto Sting. Nash gets in a Clothesline from the apron and gets tagged back inside.

After the commercials, Sting comes into the ring and sends Styles to the ropes. Styles comes back with a Sunset Flip that gets a 2 count. Sting tags out to Nash, and Styles tags out to Joe. Joe ducks a Clothesline and hit a Backsplash Senton. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash in the corner, but hits Nash by mistake. Joe throws Sting out of the ring, but Nash grabs the title and hits Joe with it to pick up the win.

Winners: Sting & Kevin Nash

After the bell, Styles attacks both Sting and Nash. Samoa Joe jumps in and locks on a standing version of The Clutch on Nash. This brings out Angle and Booker. It's your typical 4 on 2 beat down. Something tells me that at this point, TNA is just begging me to change the channel. Maybe they're tired of the Matt Morgan jokes too?

Mick Foley comes down the ring to hopefully save me from a night of way too much Sting. He says that Jarrett mentioned the rumor that Foley is one of the cheapest men in wrestling. Who'd have ever thought that?

In the middle of Foley speaking, here comes the Main Event Mafia. Holy crap, it just hit me. The Main Event Mafia is TNA's version of the NWO. Oh God no. Anything but this. Angle headbutts Foley, who in response, gets up and laughs. At least he's a good sport. Foley says that Jarrett asked him to invest TNA (because God knows they need all the investors they can get to keep them in business after tonight). He then turns to Kurt and s ays "you just headbutted... your new boss." TNA almost always manages to have a way of saving a horrible show.

Foley was about to fire Kurt, but then told him that he's free to work in TNA if that is what he would like to do. He says that TNA is about to become very, very big. If you keep telling yourself that, maybe it'll come true. Foley then asks Kurt "do you want to be a part of history? Or do you want to be history?" Confetti falls from the ceiling and Impact fades to black.

Well, things are definitely going to be getting interesting. Not necessarily in a good way, because 9 times out of 10, new titles equal epic failure. Diva's Championship, anyone? And I'm willing to mention this pretty early on: the Main Event Mafia will either be extremely good for TNA or will absolutely destroy it. There's no room for a gray area here. All the signs are pointing towards destruction, though. It's too full of ego to work out.

Anyway, you know the usual deal. You really shouldn't be a total asshole and not send feedback. Therefore, message me on Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) and then add me and wait for a ridiculously long time until I accept that friend request, all so you can lurk my page for a week or so before deleting me. Either that, or email me (fersureenicole @gmail.com). Oh, and now is where I thank everyone who sent me different ways to get certain "illegal scents" out of clothing after reading last week's recap. Turns out oranges work like a God, so I will be using them again tonight. That about does it. I will see you all next week, but really, I wouldn't blame you if you've given up on TNA completely.

by Nicole Cooper



Holy fuck. So Bound for Glory is over and done with, and the results were beyond disappointing to say the least. More on that later though. This week, you will suffer. It is TNA's objective to deliver to you what could be the most episode of Impact you'll ever witness this year. Enjoy it.

The show opens with a video package recapping Bound for Glory. Why the fuck is Sting the champion? Seriously, what the fuck? It's not going to change a thing, and if it does, it will only give Sting more TV time to bother the hell out of me. And Jarrett over Angle? Can't say I'm surprised at all. But still, I hate you Jeff Jarrett. Thank you for giving me another reason to hate you, though.

Tonight's show is called Foley's Farewell. Wait, does this mean he's leaving... already? Don't feel so bad Braden Walker! Although, Foley wasn't made out to look like a total jackass every single week, so yeah, scratch that. Continue feeling bad Braden Walker.

The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Sonjay Dutt w/ A Bitch Who I'd Love to Kill & Sheik Abdul Bashir

Okay, clearly Shelley and Sabin are going to lose and then they will become angry and flip some people off. And hey, we can blame Sting for this! So once again, I despise you, Sting. Onto the match, Sabin and Dutt start off, with Sabin getting in a Arm Drag and Dutt hits Tilt-a-Whril Headscissors. Sabin gets the advantage, throwing Dutt out of the ring and taking out both him and Bashir with a dive over the top rope.

Once Dutt is back inside, Bashir goes to come off the ropes, but Bashir distracts him, so Sonjay is able to send Sabin to the corner. Sabin hops over Dutt and tags in Shelley. Just throwing this out there since now's as good a time as any; Alex Shelley, will you marry me? Shelley hits a Superkick on Bashir. He then picks Dutt up for an Inverted Powerbomb, followed by a Suicide Dive onto Bashir. The Irritating Bitch grabs Shelley's an kles which causes him to fall Because of that, Sabin comes off the ropes with a  Clothesline on Dutt, who by the way, looks freakishly muscular tonight. Somebody's <i>juices</i> are flowing, huh? Okay, that was totally lame. Eventually, Sonjay climbs the ropes and hits an Enziguri on Sabin, but Sabin hits a Hurancanrana, which is followed by a Frog Splash. WHAT THE FUCK!? THEY WON!??!

Winners: The Motor City Machine Guns

Here comes Kurt Angle, looking extremely pissed off. And rightfully so. I mean, Jeff Jarrett? Really? He destroys Shelley and Sabin. Absolutely demolishes them. I bet that wouldn't happen if they had some RESPECT! Oh, he beats on Sonjay too.

He says with Foley's help, Jarrett won at BFG. Yeah, that, or with his own high company position. Jarrett won the battle, but he didn't win the war. Oh great, so there's more? Times like these, I really hate my life. He calls Jeff a "candy ass hick from Nashville." He then says that he will pick apart all the talent on the TNA roster until it's just him and Jarrett left. You mean to say that it'll be two hours o f gay shirts, ego, and constant reminders of Jarrett's children? Cannot. Deal. With. That.

Borash is with Nash in the back. Nash says to keep your friends close but your enemies closer. How strange, I thought Nash was a pretty common last name, yet it's still considered a spelling mistake by spell check. Where was I? He's been waiting ten months to turn on Joe. Why is that? Because Joe DISRESPECTED him and SCOTT HALL. Why are we dragging that sad, sad excuse for a human into this? All I know, is that if I were a man and Ha ll was hitting on my wife, I would not be offended. Seriously, I would pay to watch that shit. Nash comes first. It's Kevin Nash 4 lyfeee. (I'm not kidding. He said it.) Commercials.

Package for Sting, Samoa Joe and RESPECT airs. They have to show the part where Kevin Nash turns on Joe and ruins my only chance at happiness, of course.

Sting comes down to the ring. Kill me now, please. He says it's not him whose supposed to be in the ring, it's Joe. Yes, and you're also supposed to be retired. Sting calls Joe the better wrestler. Why is Sting making so much sense?He mentions how Joe could have won ten minutes into the match, but Joe chose to mock Sting instead and his generation.... because he fucking deserves it. Joe lost because he DISRESPECTED Sting. God, sh ut the hell up already. Now he's mad that AJ Styles didn't shake his hand when he won.

Styles comes out to cut Sting off from his unnecessary and repetitive bitchfit. Thank you so much. AJ says Sting should listen, and if he did, he'd get RESPECT. Also, he's not getting any RESPECT because he's not showing any RESPECT. Why do people not agree with AJ? Seriously, are all TNA fans at the Impact Zone that horrifyingly dumb? Styles mentions Joe, Christopher Daniels, and Low-Ki, saying that they held TNA together and if Sting doesn't like it, there's the door.

Can someone please run into the ring and shoot Sting? Sting gets all personal and says Styles hated how his dad raised him, and now, AJ will end up just like his dad. AJ replies by slapping Sting, twice. Sting then attacks Styles, and security has to separate them.

Backstage, Kurt Angle attacks Curry Man, Shark Boy, and finally, Eric Young. Commercials.

Borash is in Booker T's locker room. Booker says something I can't understand, but it's still awesome. He's a big game hunter and he wounds the elephant, or something. I'm pretty sure Borash makes a move on Booker at this point, which made him pretty angry. He has every right to be because Jeremy Borash is a creepy motherfucker. Borash mentions the briefcase again and Sharmell says that next week, we will all find out wha t's inside. Hey, if that doesn't give you a reason to tune in, I don't know what will. (Compelling angles? A lack of Sting? The immediate death of Don West? Matt Morgan and his DNA getting the fuck off your TV? I could go on for days, really.)

Hernandez w/ Homicide vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell

This match literally takes 5.7 years to start. But once both participants finally decide to stop boring me to death, they go back and forth for a while, but Booker takes control with a Headlock. He then tries an Axe Kick, but it fails, as always. Hernandez then Clotheslines Booker T. I'm pretty sure this match is in slow motion.

Hernandez continues beating on Booker, getting a bunch of near falls in the process. He also hits the Border Toss, but Sharmell distracts him. Booker gets in a low blow and hits him with the briefcase before actually hitting the Axe Kick for the win. Thank God this is over. I was about to fall asleep.

Winner: Booker T

In the back, Kurt Angle attacks Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt. A full Angle/Jarrett Impact is upon us, people. Enjoy yourselves now because the chance of you surviving next week is low. So very low.

Lauren is with Roxxi who is here to give her very first interview on Impact. What a special moment. It would be more special if she showed some emotion aside from kind of happy/kind of angry. She threw around a bunch of curses, saying she doesn't give a fuck about Spike TV. Hey, that TV deal you guys have, you know, the only thing left keeping you in business, will probably be gone this time next week. Nice move.

Now Lauren is talking with Christy Hemme. She was about to check on Rock and Rave, but instead, she ran into  The Pretty Nice Looking Person and the Linda Hogan Lookalike. Sky makes fun of her face and Christy went off on them. So they attack her. Dammit, I hate TNA this week.

Kurt Angle comes down to the ring again. He went down to the announce table to the announcer, Dave Penzar. He attacks him and throws him into the ring. Seriously/ Out of everyone to take out, you take out this guy? Why not Sting? He locks on the Ankle Lock, and attacks all the security and referees who run out. And who should come out now to make this all 700 times worse but Double J himself.

Angle wants a rematch (baaaad idea), but Jarrett tells him to let it go (good idea). Kurt said that "Uncle Kurt" would give Jeff's kids a visit, and Jarrett proceeds to flip out. Commercials.

Mick Foley makes his way down to the ring. He calls himself a junkie for roller coasters. That's great and all, but what does that have to do with you leaving? Foley says that TNA was a way to bring back the fun. We will never know what type of fun that is though. He then thanks the crowd for the ride and says he wishes it could have lasted longer. Yeah, so does every single TNA fan. A bunch of wrestlers come down to say goodbye, but Jar rett tells him "you're not leaving like this".

Jim Cornette is on the phone from Vegas. He's shocked by Angle's behavior, so we will have to suffer through Angle vs. Matt Morgan. WHAT DID THE FANS EVER DO TO YOU, TNA!?

Roxxi vs. Raesha Saed w/ Awesome Kong

An issue took place during this match so enjoy the horribly suckish recap. Saed gets the early control, but eventually misses a Missile Dropkick, which switches the advantage over to Roxxi's side. With that, she pays a lot of attention to Kong. She beats on Kong a bit, and comes back in the ring and hits the Voodoo Drop for the win.

Winner: Roxxi

After the bell, Kong gets in the ring and nails an Implant Buster on Roxxi. I'm not accusing Roxxi of having implants, but clearly, this move is a false claim. If it really were an implant buster, Salinas would have exploded into millions of tiny pieces.

Lauren is talking with Matt Morgan. Morgan blames himself for all the burns Abyss suffered at Bound for Glory. Yeah, well, I blame Matt Morgan for all the pain I suffer while trying to watch any one of his matches and interview segments.

Lauren is with Christy Hemme. This girl should not be able to have so many interviews. Hemme says she has plans for Sky and Love. Just what I need to see, of course.

Borash is with Consequences Creed. He's asked if he's bitten of more than he can chew with Kevin Nash. And damn, I have no idea what he says to respond, but he sure is excited.

Kevin Nash vs. Consequences Creed

Nash hits a Kneelift, but Creed is able to Dropkick Nash. Kevin reverses  a Clothesline, and Creed slides beneath Nash's legs and gets in a bunch of punches. Creed goes for a Superkick, but Nash catches his foot and hits a huge Clothesline, and a Cobra Clutch. Kevin Nash picks up the win with a Jackknife Powerbomb

Winner: Kevin Nash

Nash grabs a mic and goes off on Creed. He's turning into Sting here, just totally coming down on all of the younger guys in the back. Why bother even recapping it? You should be beyond used to it by now, anyway. Apparently, all women want to spend the night with Nash. I won't even comment on that one.

Borash is in the back where ever it was that Jarrett and Foley were speaking. FOley cuts a strange promo, but clearly, he isn't going away anytime soon. Commercials.

Kurt Angle vs. "The Blueprint of Genetic Supremacy" Matt Morgan

I'm sorry but I just can't recap a Matt Morgan match. It's always been that way, and it's not going to change anytime soon. Morgan starts off with the advantage, knocking Angle down a few times in the process. Commercials.

After the break, Morgan is still in control, and actually gets a 2 count after a Cross Body Block from the top rope. Angle goes to the outside, and gets back in to gain control. He works over Morgan's leg and knees, but Morgan is able to make a comeback. He hits a few Clotheslines and a Big Boot, but Angle gets in and Ankle Lock.

Morgan escapes it and hits the Hellevator. Every time Matt Morgan hits that move, I hate him even more. It only gets a 2 count. Serves you right, you annoying asshole. He goes for another Hellevator but Angle escapes and hits an Angle Slam for the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Once the bell rings, Kurt goes on to attack Morgan's knee again. Abyss comes down to make the save though, He checks on his completely mismatched partner, and while he does so, Angle attacks. He rips off Abyss's shirt which is SO unnecessary, and beat on  his bruised ribs.

Borash is in the parking lot trying to speak with Foley and Jarrett. They are both being secretive. Seriously, stop being such an idiot. Foley is not going anywhere. See, I told you! They're on their way to Vegas. Foley says that "what happens in Vegas, will be shared with the rest of the world." And with that, the show ends.

Alright, that does it for this sorry, sad, pathetic, and horrible recap. I have a reason though! As I mentioned during one match, (which I'm too lazy to go back and find) I had an "issue." That issue? I spent a large amount of time tonight trying to figure out how to wash the smell of something very illegal out of my clothing. Not that I did anything illegal, but being surrounded by people who did will do that to you. Anyway, i t's the same deal as always: Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). So send me feedback because you know you want to? Yeah, that works.

by Nicole Cooper



Mick Foley is here. For that reason, and that reason alone (because God knows nothing else in TNA is worth getting so excited over) I have decided to try to have a positive outlook on tonight's episode of Impact. Now, I can't make any promises that it's even possible, because it probably isn't. But hey, that'll just make my impending mental breakdown and/or extreme rage expressed in caps lock that much more enjoyable. Or not. I mean, we all still have to suffer through Jeff Jarrett and Sting. By the way, the whole "positive outlook" thing starts now.

Show starts with Jeremy Borash with Jeff Jarrett in his office. Jarrett says he hasn't wrestled for over two years, while Kurt wrestles nightly. He also says that now, it's a personal issue, not business. Um, duh, you dumb asshole, you're the one who brought the interview into this. He has Angle's medal, Borash notices and follows Jeff out of his office.

Super over-dramatic promo package airs for Bound for Glory. Fuck this. Seriously, this thing is ridiculous. So much for being positive, huh? I couldn't even last five minutes. I fucking suck.

Tonight's episode is called "Three Days to Glory". Or Three Days Until a Pay Per View which is so Full of Ego, it's about to Explode. Just being honest.

Christian Cage comes down to the ring. It looks like he's in an Affliction shirt. I hate Affliction shirts. The next person I see in an Affliction shirt, I will personally tear to shreds. Anyway, he says that everyone is saying he needs to pick a side. Cage then calls himself the champion. Again, I ask, of what!? Delusion is a mental illness, Christian. He tells us that he will pick a side when he wants to, or maybe he won't pick one at all because he doesn't need to.

Which brings out crazy Booker T! What the fuck? I see no giant red robe with a leopard collar! Street clothes? TNA simply doesn't want me to be positive about their product, that's it. He says he's here to reason with Cage. They go way back and should be on the same page. Booker says that Cage took Styles to another level, and now, Styles wants the spotlight all to himself. This accent he has going on just doesn't work withou t that robe.

And now AJ is out. Styles asks Booker if it's about respect or the spotlight, and maybe, in Booker's country, respect has a different definition. AJ Styles does not do well when angry. This is one giant, long, run on sentence that I can't keep up with because at this point, his face is way too red for me to concentrate on anything but that. AJ also calls Booker a washed up has-been, which results in a ton of boos. Nice move, Styl es.

Cornette comes down and says that no one is backing anything they're saying up. Tonight, Booker vs. Styles. Booker yells something incoherently and then Cornette makes Christian the referee of the match. What an original concept.

Earlier in the day, Borash was in the back with Sting. Sting says that his match against Joe will be his biggest match ever and it's not about the title, or the glory, it's about RESPECT. Actually, no, he said his reputation is on the line. Honest to God, I am shocked that the dreaded "r word" has not been said yet. Oh wait, I spoke too soon.

Kip James w/ The Rather Attractive People vs. Rhino; No DQ Match

What the hell is this man (James) wearing? Seriously, shit's sickening. Rhino goes on the attack on the outside by throwing Kip into the railing a few times. Rhino then rolls him back into the ring where Kip gets in some offense, nothing impressive obviously, like a Headlock, before calling for the brown paper bag.

Before the bag can go on Rhino's face, Rhino hits a Clothesline and a Shoulder Block in the corner. He goes out of the ring and pulls out a table. I hope he smashes Kip's head in. Actually, he sets up in the corner. Rhino attempts a Gore, but James moves out of the way. Velvet Sky sprays something into Rhino's eyes, which allows Kip to Gore Rhino through the table for the win.

Winner: Kip James

I feel so dirty just typing that.

After the bell, ODB and Rhaka Khan run down to the ring with chairs and threaten to beat James with them. So he smiles and walks out of the ring. WHY AREN'T YOU HURTING THIS MAN!? HE DOESN'T HAVE MATT MORGAN-LIKE GENETICS! HE'S NOT IMPERVIOUS TO PAIN! Dammit, I really wanted to stop those DNA jokes.

Borash runs into Angle in the back and informs him that Jarrett has his medal. Angle wants to know where he is, and also says that tonight, he will let Jarrett make the first move. (Awesomeness is in store for everyone later. Seriously.)

Petey WIlliams vs. Sonjay Dutt w/ And Obnoxious Bitch vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed; X Division #1 Contender's Match

Hey Petey, your imitation of Steiner is getting pretty old. Especially considering I can't even remember the last time I saw Steiner on my TV. Lethal and Dutt fight on the outside while Creed hits a Somersault Clothesline on Williams which gets a two count. Lethal gets into the ring and nails a Dropkick onto Creed. Dutt then jumps in and levels Lethal.

Williams and Dutt team up on Creed, but Dutt turns on Williams with a kick to the gut. The match goes on with a bunch of more X Division-y spots (I'm slacking tonight. Math essays are a bitch.) until Lethal hits the Lethal Combination of Williams. Creed follows that up by slamming Lethal onto Williams and pins Dutt with a Back Slide. 

Winner: Consequences Creed

In the back, Lauren is with Sheik Abdul Bashir. He rants and raves about hating America and how we Americans suck. He also says that at Bound for Glory, he plans on torturing Creed. This man is a terrorist. Deny it all you want, but you won't be denying it when he makes your house explode. Just saying.

Karen's fucking Angle time. She's with Mick Foley this week. A part of me wishes he'd show up as Cactus Jack and beat her with that barbed wire baseball bat of his. But hey, dreams have a way of staying that way. Foley says he's thrilled to be in TNA. It's almost like how thrilled I am for having to sit through another installment of this horrible segment. He wants to make a difference here, which he couldn't do in th e WWE. Foley also offers to be Jarrett's mentor for Sunday. Jeff Jarrett doesn't need a mentor, he needs a pink slip. And a personal stylist.

Jeremy Borash is with Rhino. He basically promises to destroy Kip on Sunday. For that, I have an all new love for this man. Also, they will be fighting in a Double Tables Match. The hell is that?

Promo video for.....wait for this one........seriously.......... STEVE "MONGO" MCMICHAEL! He's the new special guest ref for the Monster's Ball Match. HAHAHA! I AM SO GLAD THAT I'M NOT REQUIRED TO RECAP TNA PAY PER VIEWS RIGHT NOW! Whoever is doing this though, allow me to express how sorry I truly am for you.

Matt Morgan & Abyss vs. Beer Money

Storm has on a chain with a beer keg attached. Being on a James Storm level of awesomeness should be illegal. Oh, and Abyss gave some kid his hair on his way to the ring. You know, I'd probably be sick enough to enjoy that if you replace "Abyss" with "CM Punk" or "Alex Shelley." And now, Team 3D is out for commentary. I normally like the words that Brother Ray says, so I can accept this.

Onto the match, Morgan has the early advantage, working over both members of Beer Money up until he gets hit with a Chop Block. Beer Money focuses on Morgan's leg with a bunch of quick tags to keep their advantage up.

Morgan is able to hit a Double Clothesline to take out both members of Beer Money and tags in Abyss. Abyss cleans house and delivers a Black Hole Slam onto Storm for the win.

Winners: Matt Morgan and Abyss (and me, for making it an entire Matt Morgan match without a single DNA joke.)

Lauren is in the back with LAX. Homicide has "elevated his hate" towards Beer Money. Why? Hector Guerrero was annoying anyway.

Video package airs for Jarrett  vs. Angle. You know the story, but in case you don't: Jeff Jarrett finally did what everyone wanted him to do and stepped out of the spotlight for two whole years. Then, because he enjoys torturing us, he comes back and pisses off Angle. Angle goes on to be interviewed and makes comments that are so unbelievably correct and actually made me like the guy a whole lot more, and is fined for telling the t ruth. Only in TNA.

Mick Foley now comes down the ring. He thanks everyone in the Impact Zone for making last week so special. Well I thank Mick Foley for saving last week's episode of Impact. Foley says he will deal with all outsiders in Jarrett vs. Angle at BFG harshly. He then calls both Jeff and Kurt out.

Both men came down and Foley wanted to know if they had anything to say. Jarrett says he made a mistake by hiring Angle. Well if it was such a mistake, why don't you just fire him, Jarrett? Jeff then says something like "You earned this. See you in Chicago." He gave Angle his medal back and Kurt looked pretty speechless.

Both men actually shook hands, and as Jeff was leaving the ring, Kurt thanked Jarrett and this is where that awesomeness that I spoke of earlier occurs. He tells Jarrett that he should tell his 3 children (you know, the Triple J's) that "Daddy's not coming home after Bound for Glory." And in a typical Don West moment, the last words we hear in this segment are him yelling "SON OF BITCHHH~!!1!"

Borash is with Booker and Sharmell in his locker room. He's in the coat. I will now enjoy every word he says. Booker thought Cage would be on his side. He also says that Styles is jealous of him. Borash asked what's in the briefcase and Sharmell tells him that everyone will know when the time is right.

Roxxi & Taylor Wilde w/ absolutely no reaction from the crowd vs. Awesome Kong & Raisha Saed

Kong and Saed start off by working on Taylor. She begins to fight back and is able to tag in Roxxi. Roxxi hits a move off of the top rope which gets her a two count. Kong gets dumped out to the floor, and some miscommunication problems between Wilde and Roxxi lead to Wilde dropping Roxxi with an Enzuguri.

Kong pulls Wide to the floor and Saed misses a Top Rope Moonsault. Roxxi sets Saed up for a Voodoo Drop, but Kong gets her from behind and hits the Implant Buster for the win.

Winners: Awesome Kong & Raisha Saed

Booker T vs. AJ Styles; w/ Christian Cage as the special referee

The beginning is pretty back and forth, with Cage not taking anyone's side. Booker hangs Styles on the ropes which gives him control of the match. Eventually, he misses an Ax Kick (once again, allow me to say that Booker T never actually connects with the Ax Kick), so it allows Styles to come back with a Pele Kick.

AJ gets in a few Clotheslines and an Arm Bar, but Booker gets to the ropes to break it. This angers Styles who complains to Cage, so Booker catches Styles in a German Suplex and then pins Styles. It looks like AJ kicks out, but Cage still counts to three, and Booker picks up the win.

Winner: Booker T

After the match, Cage attacks Booker and when Styles went to get his arm raised, Cage took him out too. This brings out Jim Cornette who sets up a new match for BFG. Booker T vs. AJ Styles vs. Christian Cage. Allow me to say how much I am enjoying Christian right now.

Video package airs for the Sting/ Samoa Joe feud. I'm not even kidding you, every other word of this promo was "respect." It says a lot when your HYPE VIDEO does not include a single ounce of hype whatsoever.

Cornette is in the ring again and then, both Sting and Joe came down as well. Cornette went through all the rules and says that there will be no rematch. I'm frightened that this will lead to a feud between Sting and MCMG where all he does is yell "RESPECT! RESPECT! RESPECT!" at them until they both kill themselves.

Jim Cornette presents the contract and both men sign their names. Sting says that things didn't have to be this way, but it is. You know, that may have the been the most intelligent remark Sting has made this entire storyline. Joe then talks about respecting Sting. That word will haunt me until I die.

Joe extends his hand and Sting took it and the crowd was really into it. Joe then Headbutts Sting. Oh Joe, how I love you. Sting freaks out and it turns into one huge brawl. Security pulls them apart. A video run-down for BFG airs, and then, Impact fades to black.

Oh, and before I end completely, I know it really isn't my place to comment on WWE-related things. But Kizarny, or Sinn Bowdee (for those of us who still aren't used to WWE naming) being called up to Smackdown? We are about to be exposed to greatness on a weekly basis. Enjoy it before he is completely misused and then released.

And that's it for this week. It seems that when I beg you guys to send feedback, you actually listen. So, now entering desperation mode: PLEASE SEND ME FEEDBACK~!?11/!!?1/!? It's the same deal as always: Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). I'll be sure to get to those 30+ friend requests I still have sometime in the next year. Seriously. But you can still send messages! In fact, if you don't, next week, you will suffer through such horrible, in-detail Sting segment recaps that you're eyes will bleed. And since we're ending on a obviously positive note, I will see you all next week.

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report! This week is going to be a huge week. No seriously, don't laugh. Mick Foley is going to debut. What could be better then that, huh? Decent booking, you say? While I have to agree with that, I can honestly say that I'm actually excited to watch TNA this week. Of course, this whole little "shoot segment" between Jarrett and Angle is sure to drain all of my excitement. Well, before my excitement is drained from thinking of how happy Vince Russo must be right now, let's get on to the show.

Tonight's episode is entitled Welcome, Mick (and here's the heavyweight title)! For the first time ever on Impact, the show goes right into a match. No blonde bitch chasing random wrestlers in their trucks? I can get used to this.

Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky & KIP JAMES (Not Kute Kip. I will never sink that low.) vs. ODB

ODB mocks the Average Looking People's entrance, which allowed Love to attack her. She uses a Snap Mare to send ODB down and slams her head into the mat. Just watching this woman wrestle makes me want to tear her to shreds. ODB ducks a few Clotheslines, but Kip distracts ODB, which allows Love to throw her to the floor. While the ref is distracted, Sky and James attack ODB.

ODB gets rolled back into the ring, but Love distracts the ref again so Sky can attack. ODB hits some Sledgehammer Fists and a Splash on Love in the corner. She then hit a Fallaway Slam. Sky then grabs ODB's flask and drinks from it. That's so grimy. Love shoves ODB towards Sky who spat the drink in her eyes. Angelina hits an Impaler DDT for the win.

Winner: Angelina Love

Jeremy Borash talks with Jarrett about Kurt Angle's comments in the UK Sun aka comments that were 100% SO TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY ACCURATE THAT IT'S ALMOST DISGUSTING. But hey, don't let the truth get in the way of a bad angle. Jarrett says that he's on his way to the ring right now to tell Kurt all the repercussions.

In the back still, ODB is screaming for a match against the Kind of Attractive people. Traci Brooks gives her the match and lets her pick a partner, so long as her partner isn't Kong, Taylor or Roxxie. No one would choose Taylor anyway considering her crowd reaction may be reaching into the negative numbers at this point. ODB then says that she loves "authority with some balls." ODB frightens me.

Promo package airs for Jeff Jarrett. TNA still won't give the fans the benefit of the doubt on that whole "that guitar thing was no mystery" deal. You know, despite them revealing it to us without any major production and making it so painfully obvious the whole time.

Jarrett comes out and says that some people are saying he made a mistake by accepting Angle's challenge. Who knew that Jeff Jarrett would listen to me? He told us that we "don't know Jeff Jarrett." Clearly we do since the past few weeks have been nothing but Jeff Jarrett's gay shirts, Jeff Jarrett's personal life, and Jeff Jarrett's ego. Just saying. He goes on to feed his own ego, yet again, all while managing to bash the WWE. It truly does take talent to be such an asshole.

Jeff began to read some of the quotes that Angle had told the UK Sun. There's really no point in recapping what Jarrett said when it's all in that link. Jarrett said that at one point, Kurt called the WWE "a living hell" and played a video of Kurt bashing McMahon and the WWE from when he debuted. It's the typical "I hate my old boss rant" with Angle calling him a stupid son of a bitch  and a piece of crap. Jarrett ends this mini ego trip with "At BFG, I'm going to beat your ass so bad, Papa Vince won't even want you back."

In the back again, and Borsh is with Kurt Angle. He had no idea that Jarrett's segment even took place. It's kind of funny when you consider most wrestling fans don't even know TNA is taking place. I couldn't resist. After Borash told him the details, he sent Kurt to Jim Cornette's office.

The Motor City Machine Guns vs. LAX; Monsters' Ball Qualifier

I thought the Monsters' Ball was supposed to be an invitational? Since when you do you have to qualify for invitationals? Anyway, Shelley and Homicide lock up, with Shelley sending Homicide to the ropes. Homicide hits a Reverse Exploder Suplex and tags in Hernandez. He locks in a Bear Hug, but Shelley is able to tag out.

Sabin hits a Spin Kick, then came off the ropes, but Hernandez got in a Backbreaker. Hernandez goes for a Suplex, but Shelley runs in and attacks. Homicide gets back in and hits a Corkscrew Elbow on Sabin. Eventually, in the MCMG's corner, Sabin hits a Dropkick and a Suicide Dive.

Shelley gets back in and they double team Homicide. Shelley hits a Running Back Elbow, and Sabin hits a Flying Knee. Why can I never keep track of matches anymore? God, I suck. Anyway, eventually, LAX goes for a Double Suplex on Shelley. Sabin hits a Springboard Dropkick into Shelley, which turns into a Double DDT. Shelley goes for a Sliced Bread #2, but Homicide counters that into a Gringo Killer.

Sabin charges at Hernandez, and tries to hit a Springboard Crossbody. Hernandez catches him and hit a Sit-out Powerbomb for the win.

Winners: LAX

After the match, Shelley and Sabin did their typical routine of showing respect to the winners and then flipping them off. On a bit of a side note, I still absolutely hate how out of any young guys on the roster, TNA has chosen Sabin and Shelley to feed into Sting's horrible storyline.

Rough cuts with Roxxi again. This time, she talks about being afraid of needles and how her mom screamed at her for shaving her head. Seriously though, she pulls off the no hair look. Not many people can say that, you know.

In Cornette's office, he's really ripping into Kurt for the comment he made. Kurt gets fined $25,000 for his comments. That's pretty harsh when you're only telling the truth.

Suicide promo airs. He talks about being a cockroach or something. Even if this is Kaz and my love for Kaz cannot be properly expressed in typed form, this guy has an absolutely ridiculous mask.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Eric Young vs. Jimmy Rave; X Division Title Match

What did Young or Rave ever do to gain a title match? Seriously, has Rave even won a match the entire time he's been in TNA? (Don't answer that. I hate being proven wrong.) Young gets double teamed right in the beginning. Psycho Referee pulls the two men off of Eric. Young locks in a Headlock on Bashir, but he's able to counter it into a Back Suplex. He then slams his knee into Young's back a few times and gets in a Dropkick.

Rave comes in and hits a Tilt-a-Whirl Face Plant on Young and locks in an Arm Bar. Young gets to the ropes and hits a Jawbreaker. Bashir gets back into the ring and Rave and him double team Eric Young again. Rave goes for a Clothesline, but Eric moves, and Rave takes out Bashir instead. Young then slams Bashir to the mat and goes for a pin which gets a 2 count.

Young is sent into the corner by Rave, but Eric moves and Rave falls over the ropes and to the floor. Eric hits a Scoop Slam but misses a Moonsault, so Bashir hits the WMD for the win.

Winner and still X Division Champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir

After the match, we go to Borash in the back with Christian Cage, AJ Styles, and Jay Lethal. Jay pretty much says that he took Booker T to the limit. But whappened to the Randy Savage voice? Week after week, Lethal is slowly but surely losing his gimmick. Dammit, I actually enjoyed this one. AJ then asks Cage if they're cool, to which Cage replies with "I'm the champ. I'm always cool." What exactly is Christian the cham pion of?

Team 3D & Booker T vs. Jay Lethal, Christian Cage & AJ Styles

This is where I give up on putting effort into the matches. I'd apologize, but hey, if this were your job, you'd do the same thing. As soon as the match starts, Booker gets the advantage on Lethal. We cut to commercials, but once back. Styles is in control over Booker. Lethal is tagged in, but 3D trips him.

Booker gets a big opening while his team works Lethal over with a bunch of quick tags. Lethal is able to hit an Enzeguri on Devon and make a tag to Cage. Cage hits a Hurricanrana on Brother Ray from the top rope. He also hits a Cross Body Block that almost gets the 3 count.

On the outside, Booker hits Lethal with his dreaded briefcase, and tags himself into the match. Cage rolls up Booker, but Brother Ray distracts the ref. Styles gets on the ropes and attempts a Flying Forearm on Ray, but he ducks, and Styles hits Cage by accident. Booker then reverses a rollup and picks up the win.

Winners: Team 3D & Booker T

After, Styles helps Cage to his feet, but Christian will have none of that, as he shoves Style away.

We now cut to an interview by Mike Tenay with both Joe and Sting. I am willing to bet a large sum of money that at some point in this interview, someone utters "there is no respect for the veterans in the back." I'm also willing to bet the old crazy man in face paint says it. Oh wow, guess whose coming home rich tonight? Also, it seems old Sting here cannot get over the death of WCW. Joe seems bored. Can't say I blame the g uy. He's only heard this for OVER A MONTH. Oh look, Sting thinks Joe is disrespecting him. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Seriously.

Lauren is with Abyss in the back. They're talking about the Monsters' Ball. Abyss says that Morgan will deal with all the weapons in the match. It's probably for the best. I mean, he can use them in a much more dangerous way and superior way because, well... his DNA is superior to everyone else's in that match. I CAN'T STOP!

We cut to the ring and Beer Money comes down with Jacqueline.  Storm had on a belt that held beer bottles. Is there anything this man does that isn't awesome? No, I don't think so. Roode says that Beer Money is alive and doing well. He also says that they sent Hector back to the announce table. Also, Roode issues and open challenge to any team, at any time. I hate open challenges. Nothing good every comes from open challenges.

Team 3D comes out to the ramp. Devon begins to go off on Beer Money, but Abyss' music cuts him off. Morgan and Abyss come down the other entrance ramp. Morgan begins to speak, but LAX's theme cuts him off. YOU DO NOT CUT OFF MATT MORGAN! He will use his DNA to kill a bitch. (What is wrong with me?) Cornette cuts everyone off. He turns the Monsters' Ball into a 4 team match for the titles.

Velvet Sky & Angelina Love w/ Kip James vs. ODB & Rhaka Khan (What? She's still employed?)

Why the hell is there so much Decent Looking people on my TV tonight? And to think, I was actually going to put effort into this match. Way to go, you annoying bitches. You ruin everything. ODB and Rhaka Khan drag Sky and Love into the ring. James gets in Khan's face and causes a distraction, although his lack of clothing is enough of a distraction, but either way, it gives Sky and Love the advantage.

Sky and Love work over ODB, but she's able to tag in Rhaka Khan. Once she's in, she easily destroys both of them and picks up the win.

Winners: ODB & Rhaka Khan

After the bell, James once again distracts ODB and Khan. The Semi-Attractive People (I'm running out of names here) attack them from behind. Rhino then runs out to stop the attack. I don't get this at all.

MICK FOLEY COMES OUT TO THE RING! There's a huge Foley chant going on while he's standing in the ring. He said that it's an honor to stand in the same ring where Kip James just stood. I laughed, why lie? Foley calls this one of the biggest nights of his career. He also thanks Jarrett for brining him in and for calling him the greatest acquisition in TNA history, and then thanks McMahon for making his decision to leave WWE so easy . I can't even make a joke about this. That's how awesome Mick Foley is.

Kurt Angle now comes down, so now, I am totally comfortable to go into the mocking. Angle's still pissed about Jarrett calling Foley is the greatest acquisition. CLEARLY, that honor belongs to Matt Morgan because... I am done with DNA jokes. Angle says that Jarrett hit a nerve when he mentioned everything Angle lost, and then got in a super tasteless joke about Jarrett's wife dying. I'm all for the tastelessness. 

Foley didn't like how Angle was diminishing Styles and Joe's accomplishments. He then mentions all the major WWE stars and how Angle has beaten them all, and actually calls Angle the greatest acquisition. Foley then adds himself as the special enforcer in Jarrett vs. Angle at Bound for Glory and Impact fades to black.

Well, that's it. If you didn't get some kind of strange enjoyment out of seeing Mick Foley then you shouldn't come back next week because I'll be in total Foley Mark Mode. As always, all feedback, which you WILL send, can either go to my email address (fersureenicole@gmail.com) or my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268). I'm beginn ing to defeat my Myspace addiction though, so although I really do reply to everything, It'll probably just take a lot longer. And I probably won't accept your friend request for 3 weeks either. Just being honest. Anyway, come back next week for the same repetitive booking and the same repetitive jokes on my part.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).