Tonight's a big night for TNA. Not only are we live, but we're also at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and in HD. Excitement. Before I go on, I should mention that the place where this is coming from is absolutely horrible. It looks like one of those old AWA studios. But really, you don't want all the intricate set details any more then I want to type them, so without further ado, let's get right on into to.

Tonight's episode is called "What the Fuck was TNA Smoking this Week to Book all of this Shit?" Actually, I'm pretty sure we had no title tonight, but no title would be more appropriate then the one I just mentioned.

Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love and Kip James (who looks even more ridiculous then usual, if you can even imagine that) vs. Christy Hemme

Christy Hemme being pushed as a face will never work because no one will ever cheer for Rock and Rave (aside from me). But hey, that'll be the least of your worries tonight. Hemme hits a Monkey Flip, but Love sprays perfume in her eyes. This gave Sky the advantage, so she threw a Knife Edge Chop. She then climbs on the middle rope and smashes Christy's head into the turnbuckle.

In the corner, Velvet misses a Splash, so Hemme gets in a few Clotheslines and a Flying Double Sledge. She also slings Sky to the mat by her hair. Christy climbs the ropes, but James tries to interfere, but he gets nailed in the face instead. No amount of pain inflicted upon this man will ever satisfy me. Christy hits some sort of Leg Drop to pick up the win.

Winner: Christy Hemme

Jeremy Borash is talking with Kurt Angle in the back. He has an announcement (which you will soon see is the theme for this week). It will change pro wrestling forever, according to him. If it doesn't involve the death and/or termination of Sting and Matt Morgan, then consider me disappointed.

Booker T is also in the room, and he talks about the "elite" coming together in TNA. Nash is here too. This is getting pretty creepy. Oh, this is great, just when you think this Joe/ Sting thing is over, leave it TNA to throw it right back into our faces. After every single fucking sentence Nash says, we must suffer through Booker yelling in the background.... yep, that's right... "respeeeect!" But really, it makes se nse. I mean, the only way we'll ever understand TNA is if we have people summarizing storylines for us as they go along. Nash talks about coming back to take care of Joe, which is bullshit since he pretty much admitted that that wasn't true a few weeks back. Continuity rules!

Kurt then brings out Sting without face paint, but with a suit and sunglasses, the ultimate sign of serious business. He says how there's 75 years of experience in the room, and he's ready to demand respect, DESPITE HIM DEMANDING IT FOR OVER A MONTH ALREADY AND NOT GETTING A RESPONSE BECAUSE THIS ALL SUCKS SO FUCKING BADLY. Just saying. Oh, by the way, this giant group of annoyance is called the Main Event Mafia. Just go with it no m atter how stupid it may be. The less questions you have, the longer you will save your sanity.

Lauren is standing outside the hotel waiting for Foley to arrive. Mick pulls up in awesome, yet horribly junky car. He has an announcement too, you know. But we have to wait until later to hear it.

Booker and Sharmell make their way down to the ring with their briefcase. It is now time for their announcement. Are you ready for absolute failure? It's a new title. The TNA Legends Championship, to be exact. You know a bad angle has gone too far when a title has to be created to keep interest. While Booker unveils the title, the crowd chants "no more accent." What a bunch of morons. I bet these are the same idiots who sit at home rapping along to R-Truth's theme song. Booker awards himself the title, but really, who else is going to want it?

I spoke too soon because here comes Christian Cage. He is so above this. Actually, he's here to mock Booker for making his own title belt and to mock his accent. In response, Booker invites Cage to join the Main Event Mafia, which clearly, makes tons of sense. Cage turns him down, and challenges Booker for his new title at Turning Point. I smell a negative buy rate! Booker accepts the challenge but makes the stipulation that if Cage loos es, Cage has to join Booker T's unnecessary stable.

Abyss and Matt Morgan are with Lauren in the back. Morgan says he will not allow Abyss to wrestle tonight, even though Abyss wants to. Who needs Abyss when your DNA grants you the strength of 20,000 men?! I'm sorry. I know I said I'd stop those jokes. Abyss got 3rd degree burns at BFG, and Morgan feels guilty. At least he has one redeeming quality (that being his sympathy). Abyss says that when his burns heal, they have unfinished bu siness with Kurt.

Even though we should clearly have a match here, what with this being TNA's biggest TV show since getting 2 hours, we don't. Because that would be smart, and this is TNA we're talking about. Instead, we get Borash talking with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett will not tell Borash what his announcement is. You'd think that after all these years, Borash would get the hint that people hate talking to him.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Jay Lethal; X Division Title Match

I'm willing to bet that this match gets rushed just so we can suffer through more backstage segments. I don't know, it just seems like the TNA thing to do. Bashir jumps Lethal before the bell rings and hits a  Belly to Back Suplex and a Snap Mare. Bashir locks in a Rear Chink Lock and some Sledge Hammer Shots. Lethal ducks a Clothesline, and is able to gain the advantage with a Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors.

Lethal gets in a Dropkick and a Suicide Dive through the ropes which sends Bashir into the barricade. He rolls Bashir back inside the ring, and misses a Lethal Elbow. Because of that, Bashir hits with WMD for the win. I told you this would be rushed.

Winner and still X Division Champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Lauren is talking with AJ Styles and Samoa Joe about the Main Event Mafia. I'm going to need a really creative yet completely stupid name to call them. Styles delivers the best live I've heard in TNA so far, TNA is falling apart. How true. Joe then says to Sting that he can take his title, but he'll take his career. This may be the best promo in wrestling history simply because Sting's career is in jeopardy and TNA is being r ecognized as a failure.

Suicide promo airs. He's coming to TNA for revenge. I'm really going to enjoy how they explain this one. Just how do you do it when the only people who will know of him know him from a fake video game storyline?

In the back, Rhino and Bashir are getting into a little screaming match. Bashir I guess had some sort of open challenge that Rhino accepts. He is going to deport Bashir, in a body bag. Oh how I love me some death jokes. Bashir attacks Rhino and leaves him laying there while Lauren calls for help.

Beer Money w/ Jacqueline vs. LAX vs. Team 3D vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan w/ no DNA jokes; Tag Team Gauntlet Match

Fuck. This match is going to require effort. I'll half-ass it and you will learn to love it. Storm and Ray start off with Brother Ray hitting a few Knife Edge Chips, a Hip Toss, a Clothesline, and a Body Slam. Robert Roode enters next, so him and Storm double team Ray. They hit a Double Suplex, but then Devon enters the match. He hits a Hangman's Neckbreaker and a Flying Shoulder Tackle on Storm. Ray picks up Roode for a Side Slam, a nd now, Hernandez enters.

Hernandez gets in  Knife Edge Chop on Roode and a Back Body Drop on Storm. He also hits a Pounce on Roode. Storm comes back by kicking Hernandez in the face, and attempting a a Flying Crossbody, which Hernandez reverses into a Sit-out Powerbomb. Brother Ray gets back into the mix by setting Hernandez up for a Doomsday Device, but here comes Homicide.

I hate recapping matches like this. Homicide nails a Double Missile Dropkick on both Ray and Devon, and once he gets up, a Tornado DDT on Devon. Brother Ray eats a Hurancanrana from Homicide and then a Corckscrew Back Elbow on Devon. Fucking Matt Morgan comes in now. He takes out everyone in sight. I'm limiting myself to one DNA joke per recap, and unfortunately, I have already used it this week. He hits a Fallaway Slam on Homicide and t hrows him over the top rope to eliminate him.

Morgan then goes for a Running Clothesline on Devon which takes him out of the ring, eliminating him as well. Hernandez sends Morgan to the corner, but ends up being eliminated by Morgan. Matt Morgan is on fire... I really wish I could show some excitement while typing that. Too bad I despise this man so much. Abyss enters the match next, much to Morgan's dismay. Just shut the fuck up and let the man fight. He's 20 times more enterta ining then you will ever be, anyway. Morgan gets eliminated next by Roode and Ray. There is a God, and I officially love him.

Do you even care about this match? No? Well now it's time for me to exclude every detail I possibly can. Storm and Roode attack Abyss on the outside. In the ring, Devon brings in a table and the fans toss lighters in the ring. Abyss comes in to stop Ray from lighting the table. Abyss gets eliminated with a Clothesline from Team 3D.

Winners: Team 3D and Beer Money

Confused yet? Well, you see, It's still not over! Nope, now we get ANOTHER match. Lucky us.

Team 3D vs. Beer Money; Tables are Legal Match (What?)

Team 3D catches Roode with a 3D through a table. Jacqueline pulls the referee out of the ring to stop the count. Brother Ray goes after her, Storm spits beer into his eyes and gets the win.

Winners: Beer Money

Now really, this all could have been just as easily settled with a pretty good Table Match between Beer Money and Team 3D. But no, that would be the logical and easy thing to do. Welcome to TNA, everybody.

Here comes Kurt Angle. He wants to fight Jeff Jarrett and threatened to go to Jarrett's house. I'm convinced that going to another man's house is the most personal thing you can do to another wrestler. Visit a guy's son at a football game and maybe rape him? Somehow knowing the names of someone's children despite never associating with the man? Creepy, sure, but so long as it doesn't happen within a 50 feet radius of their house, there's no harm done. Really.

Jarrett walks down now saying their feud is over and done with. I bet he'd have a change of heart if he came out on the losing end at BFG. Angle whines and complains that he's the best wrestler ever. Jeff says Angle must take no for an answer, but for now, there's someone right behind him who wants to speak to him. It's Abyss. Oh, how unexpected. Abyss lifts Angle for a Black Hole Slam, but Angle breaks free and runs. Can you say "uneventful"?

Lauren is in the back talking to Raesha Saed. She doesn't like how Kong has to deal with Taylor Wilde. Someone should tell Saed that if in fact Kong didn't have to deal with Taylor Wilde, there would be no way for her to win the title. This goes to Borash who is with Taylor Wilde. She says that Kong will have to end her career to take her title.

Awesome Kong w/ Raesha Saed vs. Taylor Wilde; TNA Knockout Title Match

This bitch really needs to drop her title already. Kong goes for a big Splash, but Wilde is able to duck out of it. Wilde nails a Corkscrew Elbow on Kong, but ends up eating a Clothesline which gets a two count. Kong goes for a Knife Edge Chop and uses her boot to choke Wilde on the ropes. Taylor gets sent the corner so Kong can hit an Avalanche Splash. Poor Taylor stands no chance. She gets Chokeslammed by Kong which gets another two count.

Kong goes for an Awesome Bomb, but Wilde counters it into a Face Plant. Wilde goes to run off the ropes, but Saed tries to trip her up. Kong hits the Awesome Bomb for the win. It's about time.

Winner and new TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong

Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. Sting & Kevin Nash

For those last remaining idiots who are STILL cheering for Sting, this match was made to finally drive into your head, that yes, Sting is heel. An obnoxious, repetitive, and annoying one, but a heel nonetheless. Styles tries to send Nash across the ring, but Nash holds onto the ropes. He immediately goes and tags Sting in. Minimal effort on Nash's part. Can't say I'm surprised. Joe slaps Sting and reverses an Irish Whip into a Ru nning Back Elbow. He also hits an Enziguri. Styles gets in and hits a Kneedrop onto Sting. Nash gets in a Clothesline from the apron and gets tagged back inside.

After the commercials, Sting comes into the ring and sends Styles to the ropes. Styles comes back with a Sunset Flip that gets a 2 count. Sting tags out to Nash, and Styles tags out to Joe. Joe ducks a Clothesline and hit a Backsplash Senton. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash in the corner, but hits Nash by mistake. Joe throws Sting out of the ring, but Nash grabs the title and hits Joe with it to pick up the win.

Winners: Sting & Kevin Nash

After the bell, Styles attacks both Sting and Nash. Samoa Joe jumps in and locks on a standing version of The Clutch on Nash. This brings out Angle and Booker. It's your typical 4 on 2 beat down. Something tells me that at this point, TNA is just begging me to change the channel. Maybe they're tired of the Matt Morgan jokes too?

Mick Foley comes down the ring to hopefully save me from a night of way too much Sting. He says that Jarrett mentioned the rumor that Foley is one of the cheapest men in wrestling. Who'd have ever thought that?

In the middle of Foley speaking, here comes the Main Event Mafia. Holy crap, it just hit me. The Main Event Mafia is TNA's version of the NWO. Oh God no. Anything but this. Angle headbutts Foley, who in response, gets up and laughs. At least he's a good sport. Foley says that Jarrett asked him to invest TNA (because God knows they need all the investors they can get to keep them in business after tonight). He then turns to Kurt and s ays "you just headbutted... your new boss." TNA almost always manages to have a way of saving a horrible show.

Foley was about to fire Kurt, but then told him that he's free to work in TNA if that is what he would like to do. He says that TNA is about to become very, very big. If you keep telling yourself that, maybe it'll come true. Foley then asks Kurt "do you want to be a part of history? Or do you want to be history?" Confetti falls from the ceiling and Impact fades to black.

Well, things are definitely going to be getting interesting. Not necessarily in a good way, because 9 times out of 10, new titles equal epic failure. Diva's Championship, anyone? And I'm willing to mention this pretty early on: the Main Event Mafia will either be extremely good for TNA or will absolutely destroy it. There's no room for a gray area here. All the signs are pointing towards destruction, though. It's too full of ego to work out.

Anyway, you know the usual deal. You really shouldn't be a total asshole and not send feedback. Therefore, message me on Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) and then add me and wait for a ridiculously long time until I accept that friend request, all so you can lurk my page for a week or so before deleting me. Either that, or email me (fersureenicole @gmail.com). Oh, and now is where I thank everyone who sent me different ways to get certain "illegal scents" out of clothing after reading last week's recap. Turns out oranges work like a God, so I will be using them again tonight. That about does it. I will see you all next week, but really, I wouldn't blame you if you've given up on TNA completely.