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September 04, 2008
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September 25, 2008

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome one and all to the TNA Impact Report, the one recap here at TWF that is pretty much all filler. I am Nicole, and I have a 103 degree fever yet am I still here to recap this show for you. I suffer through Jeff Jarrett ego-trip promos, nonsensical Don West yelling, and a total lack of continuity or grasp of what a modern day wrestling audience wants to see so you don't have to. You're welcome.

The show opens with a recap of Jeff Jarrett's promo from last week. The only part worth watching is the end of it. Why suffer through Jeff Jarrett and his extremely gay shirts if you don't have to, right? Speaking of Jarrett, he's now on his way to the ring. And oh man, that is one nice shirt. I especially like the way it doesn't properly fit him. But damn, if it doesn't match that guitar of his perfectly. At least he can coordinate. (Filler.)

Once in the ring, he says that as the founder of TNA, he's proud to announce that they have signed what will be the greatest TNA acquisition of all time in Mick Foley. (Don't tell Angle that.) Also, next week, he's going to be here. What the fuck!? I have to wait until NEXT WEEK!? WAY TO GO JEFF JARRETT! You have completely taken away my one and only joy left in your company.

Kurt Angle comes out. I told you he wouldn't like that statement Jarrett made. He says that two years ago when Jarrett left, he single handedly made the company what it was. Why isn't Triple H in TNA? All it is is one huge clash of giant egos. And hey, Trips is pretty much guaranteed at least six title wins. The positives far outweigh the negatives.

Jeff apologizes to Kurt for some of his comments from last week. He promises Kurt that he will have AJ return his gold medal and in response, Angle kicks Jeff out of the ring, only to bring him back in. The hell? Jarrett goes to leave the Impact Zone, but Kurt calls him a "little bitch." All of Jeff Jarrett's childrens' names start with the letter J! Oh, the humor ego. Jarrett then comes back into the ring to tell Kurt that he has no idea what he's been through, but he will never quit. Why not? Jarrett should quit. I'd actually like him if he quit. DREAM MATCH TIME! Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett and Bound for Glory. Commercials.

Rock 'N Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. "The Blue Print (of genetic superiority)" Matt Morgan & Abyss

I will state this one last time: I absolutely hate Abyss and Morgan together. Alone, I can tolerate Abyss, and I still loathe Morgan, but together, they are not tolerable. Rave and Abyss start out with Rave trying to get in some chops on Abyss, but it didn't work, so he tags in Lance Rock. Morgan gets tagged in and he hits a Cross Body Block and tosses Jimmy Rave out onto the floor. 

Christy makes a distraction, but Morgan is still able to tag in Abyss, who hits a Black Hole Slam on Rock and he then hits the Shock Treatment on Rave. Abyss could have ended it after that. Why the fuck didn't he? Morgan gets back into the ring, hits the Hellevator on Rave and picks up the win. The Hellevator is a horribly named move and the Mile High Club is a dumb name as well.

Winners: Matt Morgan & Abyss

Post match, Team 3D comes down to the ramp. They're actually letting Devon speak tonight. He says that Morgan and Abyss' win at No Surrender was just a fluke.  He said this all last week, FYI. Devon runs down all their title wins, messing up all the word tenses in the process. For example: "eight times ECW Champion." Brother Ray says that at BFG, it'll be Team 3D vs. Morgan and Abyss vs. any other team that wants t o fight in a Monster's Ball match. What is a Monster's Ball? Wikipedia tells me it's a hardcore match. Okay, why couldn't you just say that, TNA? Abyss freaks out at the mentioning of it.

Rough Cuts with Roxxi. It's a big debate about hardcore womens' wrestling and how it's so hard to see a woman covered in her own blood. No one seemed to care that much when I was hit in the face with a baseball. There was blood. Lots of it. Just saying. Commercials.

Lauren is with Beer Money. James Storm says that when they looked for a manager, they didn't want a pretty face, they wanted the "baddest woman on the planet." Jacqueline completes Beer Money and she was born to be a wrestler. Dammit, I love James Storm.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saed vs. Mercedes Steele

I sense a squash. Kong shoves Steele down onto the mat, but Steele is able to get in a couple of kicks and a Dropkick. Kong tosses Steele out of the ring and fights her around there, until she's thrown back into the ring. The girl has awesome hair, but she screams like she's being eaten by a pack of lions. Kong whips Steele into the corner and hits a Big Splash. Oh my God, this woman does not stop yelling. Shut the fuck up. Seriously . She's worse then Angelina Love. She then hits an Awesome Bomb to get the three count.

Winner: Awesome Kong

After the match, Kong lays a chair out on the mat and Raisha Saed hits Kong with a chair? What? She then unmasks and oh wait, it's just Roxxi pretending to be Saed. She attacks Kong with a bunch of punches and stuff, and security comes in to stop her. Then, Saed suddenly decides to appear, all tied up in ropes. I feel as if I could care about this a lot more than I do right now. Commercials.

Karen's Angle with Christian Cage. Christian basically says that he understands Sting's point of view on the whole respect thing, but he also understands the younger guys' as well. Karen will not stop saying "right" this whole time. Bitch wants me to kill her. Karen asks which side he is on and Cage says that he will take whichever side makes the better offer. She's mad that Cage is avoiding her question and continu es to be an obnoxious bitch until Cage's phone rings and he leaves.

Lauren is in the back with LAX. Hector Guerrero looks ridiculous. Hector yells in spanish and says that Beer Money puts too much gravy on their biscuits...? I can't recap this because I have no idea what he's saying at all, even when he's speaking in English. Commercials.

Jeremy Borash is in Booker and Sharmell's locker room. Booker says that where he's from, Africa, the king and queen never change. Why can't I understand what anyone is saying tonight? He wants to know what "AJ" stands for and tells Styles to keep his enemies close, but his friends closer. I think you got that one a little mixed up.

LAX & Hector Guerrero vs. Beer Money Inc. and Jacqueline; Losing team loses their manager

James Storm comes out in the best helmet that I've ever seen. Storm and Homicide start out. I'm (not so) secretly rooting for Beer Money here. Storm reverses and Irish Whip, but Homicide is able to get in a Shoulder Tackle. Homicide batches Storm with a Belly to Belly Snap Suplex. Roode gets tagged in and he and Storm double team Homicide.

Hector Guerrero gets tagged in and he gets in a few punches and Dropkicks on Beer Money. He can wrestle? He hits the Three Amigos on Roode, and Jacqueline runs in and attacks Hector. He chases her up the ramp as we go to commercials.

I changed the channel towards the end of the commercials by accident and got seriously into another show. For that, I apologize. When I finally do come back, Hernandez hits Roode with some strange Pounce variation. He then flys over the ropes taking out both Roode and Storm. In the ring, Homicide hits a Gringo Cutter on Roode, but Jacqueline distracts the referee. Roode hits Hernandez with Storm's awesome helmet to get the win.

Winners: Beer Money

Earlier in the day, Lauren was with Sonjay Dutt and Val who were in bed together for ten days... oh, okay. Val is being so annoying. It sounds like someone is holding her nose closed. This angle has taken a turn for the worst. Oh God, they're singing to me.

Back in the Impact Zone and here comes Sting! It just keeps on getting worse. He says that out of respect to his father and him, he listened to everything Jeff had to say last week, so this week, Jeff will listen to Sting. STING IS NOT SWERVED! He knows the real Jeff. (I'm just quoting the man here.) Sting says that Jeff asked him to come out of retirement and that if he came back, Spike would give TNA a TV deal. I highly doubt that Spik e TV depends on 40+ year old men in face paint for TV deals.

Sting starts showing pictures of all wrestling legends and all the lessons they taught him. A huge "Hogan sucks" chant starts when his picture is shown, and that transitions into an even bigger "overrated" chant. I agree with Ric Flair on that matter, but you'd have to have seen the 2008 HOF to know what I'm talking about. Speaking of Flair, his picture comes up next. Flair put Sting on the map because he knew tha t Sting had respect. Dammit Sting, you're repeating yourself for the 4th(?) week in a row now.

Now, we see a picture of Samoa Joe. He doesn't know how to be a champion because he needs to learn respect. A picture of Sting is up next. He says he will win and then leaves the ring. Dumb and pointless. Commercials.

Backstage, Abyss is yelling "no weapons" over and over and over again and banging his head into something, I don't know what. Morgan says Abyss has to face his fears. Morgan used to be afraid of flying, so he became a pilot. Oh, I thought he did it by replacing his DNA with someone who wasn't afraid of flying. COME ON, MATT MORGAN DNA JOKES WILL NEVER GET OLD!

Borash is in the back with Samoa Joe. He's surprised Joe didn't come down to the ring when Sting was there. Joe says Sting being an absolute bitch (not a direct quote) has nothing to do with respect, rather fear of Joe for taking his spot. Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed come in and thank Joe. Joe says things are getting interesting. No they aren't. Things are getting repetitive. That's more like it. Commercials.

Suicide promo airs. If this isn't Kaz, I will be beyond disappointed and will probably have to kill a TNA official.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Samoa Joe

There's a good chance somebody's credibility is going down the toilet here. Bashir throws some punches, but ends up being hit with a Front Body Drop. Joe hits some Knife Edge Chops and Irish Whips Bashir into the corner to hit a Running Elbow. Bashir gets whipped into the corner, but he's able to Dropkick Joe's knee. Joe then misses a Kneedrop.

Bashir works on Joe's left leg, but Joe uses his right leg to kick free. Bashir gets in a few Knife Edge Chops, but Joe reverses an Irish Whip. Bashir goes up for a Crossbody, but Joe steps out of the way and hits an Inverted Atomic Drop. Joe then hits a Running Boot and a Senton Backsplash. Eventually, Bashir gets in a Dragon Screw Leg Whip and locks on a Half Crab.

Joe wouldn't submit, so Bashir continues to work on Joe's knee in the corner until the referee pulls him off. Joe hits a One-Handed Chokeslam and a Muscle Buster for the win.

Winner: Samoa Joe

After his win, Joe says that he has Sting's respect "right here" before putting Bashir in a Kokina Clutch while Joe's eyes roll into the back of his head again. I love that last part so much. Four officials try to pull Joe off. The referee reverses the decision, so therefore...

ACTUAL winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Borash is in the back with AJ Styles. He says he's proud of where he's from. Also, he has a message for Booker which will be delivered in the ring. Ohhh, he has a sparkly vest. Commercials.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. AJ Styles

Christian Cage comes down before the start of the match to watch. Styles is confused, but hey this TNA, what do you expect? Booker throws a knee and some chops in the beginning, and eventually, a Roundhouse Kick. Styles sends Booker into the corner with an Irish Whip, and then hits a Styles Splash. Booker gets Snap Mared into the canvas. Booker is able to fight back, but he misses an Ax Kick, so Styles gets in an Enziguri. We cut to commerci als as Booker kicks out of a pin attempt.

Booker hits a Side Suplex and drops his knee onto Styles' chest. He then hits a Spinebuster, goes for the pin, but that only gets a two count. Booker then goes for a Rear Chin Lock. Booker misses another Ax Kick (note to readers: Booker can never hit the Ax Kick). Styles gets in some Clotheslines and a Springboard Flying Forearm which gets a two count.

Eventually, Booker is in the corner, and as he moves out, him and Styles collide. Styles falls backwards onto Earl Hebner taking him out. Sharmell got into the ring with that mysterious briefcase of hers. TNA loves their horribly mystery angles. Cage takes the briefcase away from Sharmell, and Styles turns around, confused as to why Cage has it. Booker attacks Styles, picks up the case, uses it on Styles, and picks up the win.

Winner: Booker T

Cage looks pretty upset, so he walks around and awkwardly stares at AJ. Styles screams at Christian, so Christian jumps onto the apron. They continue to yell at each other like six year olds until the show closes.

Well, that's it for this week. Notice how this is on time? I can keep my word. And because of my word keeping, you're all going to do me a favor and SEND ME FEEDBACK, DAMMIT! I literally received nothing last week, and suffice to say, I wasn't very pleased. So you know the usual deal: Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenic ole@gmail.com). I beg of you to come back next week so you can see such original material like Sting complaining about the lack of respect in wrestling today. Wait, you mean he's been doing that every single week for the past month? Come back anyway. Please?

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report. This week's show comes right after No Surrender, and my God, it was bad. So bad. I'm not one to depend on the "star system" of rating matches, because dammit, no one will ever rate one match with the same amount of stars, especially when people feel the need to go into negative stars, half stars and 3-quarter stars. It is all so unnecessary. This time though, I will make an exception. Zero out of five for an AJ Styles match? Yes, it did happen! And now, I am directing you right here so you can read all about it for yourself, and drive yourself one step closer to suicide in the process!

Show opens with a No Surrender recap. It's kind of funny, according to TNA, I'm supposed to care about what happens between Abyss and Matt Morgan. I don't. Not at all. Tonight's show is called The Return of Double J. And if that's the case, then it's also the return of the mute button, long bathroom breaks, and audible laughter on my part.

Samoa Joe comes out. Joe praises Angle and Cage for their match at No Surrender. Joe then says that while they're giving all they have, where is Sting? At home having tea parties apparently. Joe is wrestling his ass off though. He says win, lose, or draw, he will die defending his belt. He completely tears Sting apart. It was a seriously awesome promo.

Jeremy Borash was talking with Jeff Jarrett when he arrived earlier in the day. Borash wanted to know if Jarrett had something to say. No Borash, Jarrett just tortured us with dumb promo packages that gave away his identity because he got perverse enjoyment from it. Actually... Jeff has something to say and he hopes Sting is listening. At least that makes one us, huh? Commercials.

Kurt Angle comes out in a suit. Angle in a suit makes me laugh, although I can't tell you why. He was pissed off though, I can tell you that much. Don West makes the best face ever. It was kind of one of those "please tell me that this goofy looking bitch isn't interrupting my nonsensical yelling" kind of looks. He told West and Tenay that he has a message for Sting. Why does everyone have a message for Sting tonight? Is Sting honestly that special that he deserves all of this special attention? No he's not. Anyway, Kurt also says that he will get back his medal from AJ Styles by any means necessary. Security comes down to remove Angle.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Christian Cage & AJ Styles

As probably expected, there's a lot of face paced action in the beginnings. The MCMG gain the advantage when Sabin is able to nail Cage with a Big Boot. Shelley and Sabin work over Cage with a few back and forth tags in and out, but Cage is eventually able to avoid an Enzuguri by Sabin. Therefore, Sabin hits Shelley with it instead. Why does it look like Chris Sabin is wearing a skirt?

Cage gains the advantage for his team with an Inverted DDT, and rolls over to tag in Styles. He flies into the ring with a Missile Dropkick. Christian hits a Frog Splash on Sabin and Styles hits a Flying Forearm on Shelley, and a Styles Clash on Sabin to pick up the win.

Winners: Christian Cage & AJ Styles

After the match, Styles shakes hands with Shelley and Sabin. Once Cage offers his hand though, Shelley flips him off. This is a very strange type of heel turn. My AIM icon of Alex Shelley's face will still remain though, no matter how bad TNA makes the Motor City Machine Guns look. If you dislike the MCMG, I dislike you. Cage flips out and the referee has to separate the two teams.

Jeremy Borash is with Booker T. Booker feels that Jay Lethal is disrespecting Randy Savage with his imitation. So Booker isn't disrespecting every single race in the world by imitating them very poorly? I still love Booker T. Booker had a briefcase and when Borash asked about it, he was thrown out of the locker room. Commercials.

Promo package airs for the Steel Asylum, which was previously known as the Terror Dome. At least TNA is starting make a small amount of sense. Lauren is with Sheik Abdul Bashir. Bashir mumbles incoherently in Arabic before talking about presidential candidates and the stock market. That somehow transitions into a speech about how the X Division title is now his hostage and he has nothing to lose. I'd make countless amounts of terrorism jokes, but seriously, why bother? It's all too obvious.

Petey Williams, Johnny Devine & Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood

Prince Justice Brotherhood has the early advantage for a while, but Jimmy Rave is able to send Curry Man down onto the ring apron, and Petey Williams dives over the ropes and hits a Hurricanrana onto Curry Man. While outside, Christy Hemme slaps Curry Man a few times before he's sent back in.

Devine works over Curry Man, but misses a forearm shot, and accidently hits Petey instead. Super Eric is in and the match completely breaks down, with everyone attacking everyone and whatnot.  Super Eric hits a High Cross Body Block onto Williams and gets the three count. 

Winners: The Prince Justice Brotherhood

Upset about their loss, Rave and Devine start yelling at Petey. Jimmy Rave shoves the ref out of his way to go off on Williams. Lance Rock (who still terrifies me more than you will ever understand) runs down and shoves the referee aside. But hell no, crazy referee will have none of that! He proceeds to help Petey attack Rock and Rave.

Jeremy Borash is with Sting. He tells Sting that Jarrett has something to say (as does the entire TNA roster apparently). Sting said to speak now or forever hold your peace. Do I have a say in this? If so, then please Jarrett, I'm begging you, hold your peace forever. Commercials.

Promo for Bound for Glory. You know, I'm thinking I'll order it. Anyway, Mike Tenay hosted a press conference to honor.... wait for it... seriously, it's worth it... MATT MORGAN'S SUPER AWESOME AMAZING POWERFUL DNA~!1!!1!! God, I can't even recap this. Too much laughter.

Lauren is with Matt Morgan and Abyss. Morgan apologizes for blaming Abyss for something that happened on Sunday. I really don't know what. Abyss rips some of his hair out as a gift for Morgan. Then, Morgan pulls out a small bottle of his DNA for Abyss. Okay, I lied. But how awesome would that be? (So awesome.) Morgan mentions the tag team invitational at Bound for Glory. Team 3D runs in and says they just got lucky at No Surrender. Security comes to pull them away, and Brother Ray adds Team 3D to the tag team invitational. Commercials.

Jackie is with LAX in the back and she totally tears into Hector Guerrero before slapping him. Hector began waling towards Jackie, but Beer Money jumps him from behind. Hector is getting destroyed at ringside until Homicide and Hernandez run out to make the save. Traci Brooks then comes out and demands that she go see Cornette. Someone should tell Traci that if she were doing her job right, Jackie never would have slapped Hector to begin with...

Rough Cuts with Roxxi. She's not as interesting as Consequences Creed. She trained with men and has a "hardcore" mind set, though.

Back in Cornette's office, Traci is mad and is screaming at everyone. I can't stand her voice either. But it's better than Angelina Love's so I will accept it. Next week, Jacqueline will be in a mixed 6 person tag match with the losing team losing their manager. Oh how creative.

Highlight package of everything Sting has done recently. I've always believed that when someone needs to argue a point, they should have enough reasons to argue so that they can stretch it out each week. Not Sting though. He seems to enjoy boring me to death with the same 3 points, repeated in the same exact words, every single week.

Sting makes his way down to the ring. He rambles on and on and on about how there's no respect in TNA. Gee, when did I hear that one before? He calls Joe stupid or something. The crowd, for some strange reason, is actually supporting him. He has a few tricks up his sleeve for Joe. Hopefully, one of them is disappearing and never coming back. Ever.

Promo package airs for Suicide (the only playable character in the storyline mode of the Impact video game). Whoissuicide.com then shows up. If you ever look at the page, you'll notice that the writing on their looks like a really bad poem that some 4th grade wrote for english class.

Jeremy Borash is with Christian Cage and AJ Styles. Style says him and Cage are on the same page, but Cage doesn't like how Styles is speaking for him. This made Styles mad at Borash for starting this whole thing to begin with. I hate nonstop backstage segments. Commercials.

Lauren tries to talk to Jay Lethal. Why can't anyone fucking wrestle already? He was visibly upset over Val's betrayal. He should have seen it coming. Everyone else saw it coming. He says he wants to hurt Val and Dutt. Rip out her tongue so she can't talk anymore. I'd love that. Jay that says he will disrespect Booker's ass all over the arena. I truly love that last sentence.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Jay Lethal

Lethal sends Booker to the floor with a Clothesline over the top rope. On the outside, Booker is sent into the ring post. He's then rolled back into the ring and is hit with a Missile Dropkick. Sharmell jumps up onto the apron to cause a distraction, which works, so Booker is able to gain the upper hand.

Booker works Lethal over with some chops and knees and other things of that nature. Booker misses an Ace Kick though, so Lethal gets in a few forearms, but is tripped by Sharmell, letting Booker hit another Axe Kick to get the pin fall.

Winner: Booker T

In the back, Lauren is with the Not So Beautiful People. Angelina is upset that she has a pimple on her face or something equally dumb. My ears are now bleeding.

Velvet Sky & CUTE KIP vs. Taylor Wilde and Rhino

Wilde hits a few Hip Tosses on Velvet Sky, who crawls over to Kip and tags him in. Rhino enters and he misses a Gore, so Velvet Sky sprays perfume into his eyes while Kip distracts the referee.

The Incredibly Annoying People (so, so lame) work over both Rhino and Taylor Wilde in their corner, but Kip misses a Corner Splash, and Rhino tags in Taylor. Velvet Sky is in as Rhino Gores James. Angelina Love runs out with a pipe and gives it to Velvet Sky who swings at Taylor Wilde and misses. Either way, she ends up getting rolled up, losing for her team.

Winners: Velvet Sky & Kip James

As Wilde and Rhino celebrate in the ring, Sky, Love, and James jump in to attack. Kip hit the Famouser on Rhino. Taylor Wilde is able to sneak in and hit a Double Clothesline on Sky and Love. Just as Kip James was about to hit Wilde, Awesome Kong comes out (what?). Taylor jumps off the top rope and goes for a Crossbody that knocks Kong onto the floor. Commercials.

Back, and Rhino and Wilde are laid out. Kong whipped Wilde into the steel railing, which is why she was just laying there. Commercials.

Jarrett comes out to a STANDING OVATION! WHAT? WHY!? Jeff said he wanted to give all the young hopefuls a chance after WCW folded. He wanted TNA to be a place where kids could get their big break. I guess over time, ideals changed. Jeff then asks for Sting to come down to the ring. Once Sting entered the ring, Jeff talked about Jerry Jarrett giving Sting his first big break. This whole segment is just Jarrett praising himself and his family. Jarrett also says that everything Sting has been saying isn't true. Jeff completely bashes WCW and talks about how Angle, Booker and Sting only want to take, not give.

Kurt Angle then came down. Jeff tells Kurt that he used Kurt to replace him when he had to take tome off. I could make a very thorough list of reasons why Angle and Jarrett are not even in the same league. Wrestling ability is one those reasons. Jarrett talks about all of Kurt's loses, and says he only has his dignity left to lose. Angle yells that he carried TNA all alone for two years. Kurt challenges Jeff at Bound for Glory. Jeff said he was here not as wrestler, but as the founder of TNA. Aw man, so no super exciting dream match that I've been waiting 8 years to see? So sad. jeff has something for Kurt though.

We then cut to a video of a smiley face with barbed wire wrapped around it. I am starting to like where this is going. Mick Foley shows up on the screen (!!!!) and says "What I think Jeff is trying to say is... It's real. It's damn real. Band bang!" TNA then fades to black, and that's all for this week.

That was horrible. Seriously, it was not a good show. I thought I was done with the nonstop backstage segments after my first recap. But, I cannot properly put into words the love I have for Mick Foley, so the ending to tonight alone saved it for me, and saved it in a big way. Yes, I am actually EXCITED about something TNA is going to be doing.

Well, that does it for this week. I'll drop all my typical hateful comments now and actually apologize for a few things. Yes, you did read that right. First off, the details this week sucked, so I'm sorry. Also, I'm fully aware that the recaps for the past two weeks have been posted late. That's because I've sent them in late, and for that, I'm sorry. Too much schoolwork, you know? But that ends this week, so all three of you who actually care about TNA (but not enough to watch it yourselves) will once again be satisfied every Sunday. Feedback goes to my e-mail address (fersureenicole@gmail.com) or Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268). Just don't add me unless you have some strange need to. Messages can be sent either way. And with that, I shall be seeing you all next week for another nonsensical episode of Impact.

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome everyone to the TNA Impact Report! I'm not going to write a real introduction this week because face it, there's a good chance none of you even bother to read this part. And hey, I don't blame you. A person can only take so many repetitive Sting and Matt Morgan jokes, right? Right. But in any event, today is 9/11 (or at least it was when I wrote this introduction), and I'd hate to be the one to make a j oke out of such a huge tragedy, but you can expect some crazy Sheik Abdul Bashir antics tonight. Clearly, TNA has no sympathy. Once you plague my television with Semi-Pretty People and CUTE fucking KIP, plane crash noises in your entrance music is such a small thought. Anyway, onto the show.

A video package airs recapping last week. TNA can make their shows seem so interesting with these, but the shows themselves reek of something that is the complete opposite of awesomeness. Tonight's show is called "Double Trouble for Sting?" The hell?

Jeremy Borash is outside with Sting. Sting says, and I quote "Jeff Jarrett". Insight! Joe comes down to the ring through the crowd. He calls Sting out in the creepiest way possible. He says everyone is gunning for his belt and he won't leave without getting Sting's head on a silver platter. So WWE was right about all Samoans being savages after all?

Nash walks out, but Joe tells him that he still has to put hands on Nash. Joe asks the crowd "whose next?" Just so I can avoid making an outdated Goldberg reference, he was talking about Nash. Nash makes a dumb analogy, something about hypocrisy. This whole segment is met with awkward silence. Nash ends it by saying tonight, Joe will face 3 different men to prepare for No Surrender, and Joe agrees to matches.

Lauren is in the back with the Minimally Stunning People. Angelina Love, you're a wreck. And dammit, Kip James, you drive me closer to suicide each and every week. Funny how she criticizes the WWE Divas and their look and how WWE made her remove her braids. And yet, she goes to TNA, a company that would not care if she had braided hair, and she looks like the most stereotypical WWE Diva ever. Just saying. Commercials.

Abyss vs. Christian Cage

Fuck, Matt Morgan is teaming with Abyss to take on Team 3D at No Surrender? HAHAHA, have fun suffering through that show! Cage gets shoved down to the mat after a lockup, and ducks out of a second one and punches Abyss. After some more offense, Abyss gets in a Shoulder Block. He then misses a Running Back Elbow, which allows Cage to hit a few Knife Edge Chops. Cage goes up top, but Abyss punches Cage's chest a few times.

Cage fights back with a few punches of his own, but gets a knee from Abyss in return. Abyss gets in a Front Body Drop, but Cage is able to regain the advantage with a few Clotheslines and a Corkscrew Back Elbow. Cage goes for a pin but gets tossed across the ring. And yay! It's the freak referee! He says he will never get involved in a match physically again. That's code for, "hey, Vince Russo has this amazing swerve planned for No Surrender. Guess whose walking out champion?" Christian Dropkicks Abyss' knee and attempts to his a Frog Splash, but Abyss catches him in a Chokeslam instead.

Cage manages to escape and goes for an Unprettier, but Abyss powers out and attempts a Belly to Back Suplex. Eventually, Abyss hits a Chokeslam and goes for the pin, but Cage kicks out at two. Cage hits the Unprettier, but before he can go for the pin, Angle and Booker T rush down to the ring. 

Winner: No Contest

Booker and Angle attack Cage, and Angle goes out of the ring to grab a chair. Kurt gave the chair to Abyss who is supposed to hit cage with it, but he does not. Instead, he attacks Kurt and Booker, so therefore, they attack him. Come on, a few years ago, Abyss could have eaten both of these guys alive, and now he can't even get in a bit of offense. Abyss truly is Kane. OH CRAP, MATT MORGAN IS HERE! Is Matt Morgan gonna have to use his su perior genetics to kill a bitch? Yes, yes he is. Morgan and Abyss vs. Angle and Booker later on. Commercials.

Back and Borash is in the ring. It's beauty contest time. Fuck, there's evening gowns, bikinis and talent? The Prince Justice Brotherhood are the judges. Kip James finally has pants on! Taylor Wilde's dress looks like the one I made out of newspapers for my fashion class final last year, just to inform you all. Okay, I'm taking a bathroom break here. You really won't miss much. Winner of Evening Gown Contest: Taylor WIlde

Lauren is with Sonjay Dutt in the back. Him and Lethal are fighting in a Ladder of Love match at No Surrender. So Cal Val is on the line. I couldn't make something like that up. He says ruining Jay's life is worth it because Jay had Val. Also, he will win by any means necessary. Commercials.

Karen's Angle with Sting. I don't need this. Sting will never shut up, I'm convinced. Sting says he was ready to walk away and retire. Why didn't he? He wants to bring respect back to the business, blah blah blah, repetitive. Sting only has 3 points to argue and when you do so 3 weeks in a row, you put people to sleep. Karen also says "Jeff Jarrett," and Sting says he can't wait to hear from him. Okay, so it' ;s time I ask this: is Sting a heel or a face? To quote one of my favorite people of all time, I DON'T KNOWWWW!

There's a rundown of the incredibly poor card for No Surrender. I am asking, no, scratch that, I am BEGGING you not to buy this show. Do it for your own sanity. Not ever recapper and columnist here would do that for you, so you should be thanking me.

AJ Styles heads out to the ring. I bet he yells about something. I think TNA has been repeating the same episode of Impact for 3 weeks now. Oh, I'm right by the way. He says Frank Trigg should be in the ring right now and getting killed by Styles. Commercials.

For those keeping track, we've only had one match in 45 minutes worth of Impact. Anyway, Trigg does in fact come down. He says some 3rd grade insults and transitions that into a really, really bad stand-up routine. He then asks no on in particular if him and AJ will fight at No Surrender. Apparently, yes, they will. Three five minute rounds, winner walks out by getting in a submission. Seriously, are you still considering buying this sho w? Trigg offers a handshake, Styles accepts. Trigg calls him a "little bitch" so Styles slaps him, they fight, and security separates.

Lauren is with Christian Cage. He cuts an amazing promo saying that in three seconds at No Surrender, he will become the World Heavyweight Champion. I'm sure I could have found a joke to make somewhere, but I'll take the high road and not do it. Why? Because I love Christian Cage. That's why. Commercials.

Time for the second part of the beauty pageant. It's a bikini contest. I was trying to think of a legitimate excuse for being about to skip this. I realized I could just say "no, I will not recap this". So, there you go, no. I will not recap this. Winner of the Bikini Contest: Angelina Love

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saed vs. Roxxi; Bimbo Brawl

Bimbo Brawl, huh? For a company that says how much their women's division deserves respect, "bimbo" is quite the degrading term. Roxxi is thrown into the guardrail and then into the crowd and then into a retaining wall, which broke upon impact. Kong whips Roxxi towards the steps, but Roxxi jumps onto them, grabs Kong's head and slams it into them. Commercials.

Roxxi has a trash can lid. She kicks Kong in the chest and Kong stumbles into the corner. Roxxi attacks Kong with the trash can lid, and knocks Kong off her feet with a kick to the chest. At some point, Kong goes Steve Blackman on Roxxi's ass with a bunch of tricks with a steel pole. She set up a chair and hits a Drop Toe Hold to send Kong into it. She then Face Planted Kong into the chair as well. Kong it able to hit a Decapitation Clot hesline and slams Roxxi on a chair. Kong missed a splash from the top rope and hits the chair instead. Roxxi gets a two count from that, and eventually a chair thrown into her face by Kong. Roxxi is a bloody mess, so Kong hits an Awesome Bomb and gets the win.

Winner: Awesome Kong

After the match, Kong tasted Roxxi's blood. I'm moderately repulsed. Roxxi was about to get another Awesome Bomb, but ODB runs out for the save. Kong and Saed fled, so she beats the referee instead. Does Saed paint her face now because people finally began to realize she is white and has a really bad fake accent? Commercials.

Samoa Joe vs. Johnny Devine

Joe hits a Spicoli Driver.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe vs. Lance Rock w/ Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme

Lance Rock is actually able to get in some offense. Nothing important though. Joe locks on a Kokina Clutch.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe vs. Tomko

Tomko looks so happy, which is strange because she's about to have his ass handed to him, and all. Joe hits a Superkick and goes for a Muscle Buster, but Tomko counters it. Eventually, Tomko gets caught in an Inverted Atomic Drop. Joe hits a Running Book and a Senton Back Splash. Tomko gets a Tree Slam for a two count. He goes for a Powerbomb, but Joe reverses it. Joe its a Muscle Buster.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Nash says he's been proved wrong and says he has taught Joe everything he knows, so now Joe is on his own. They shake hands and hug in the middle of the ring. Then Nash kisses Joe's head. Awww. Commercials.

Back and it's time for the Talent Competition. Once again, I'm not recapping this. Holy hell, Angelina Love sings worse than Jillian Hall. This is not how I like spending my Saturday night. Taylor Wilde plays drums, Curry Man dances, she is good. Good enough to win. Winner: Taylor Wilde

Taylor got a crown, a sash, and roses. Kip James is angry. Just fucking great. Wilde gets beat with roses. Rhino comes to save her. Again? I don't get this.

Booker T w/ Sharmell & Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan & Abyss

I will put minimal effort into this match because that's what it deserves for having Matt Morgan involved. Morgan starts against Angle, hits a Side Slam and almost picks up the win already. Abyss is in and he hits a Big Boot on Angle and we go to commercials.

Back, and Morgan is slamming Angle down onto the mat. Booker T is able to distract Morgan, which allowed Angle to gain this advantage. Booker and Angle work over Morgan's leg in the corner, but Morgan blocks a Suplex attempt, and hits one of his own on Angle. Abyss is in and hits Booker and Angle with a Double Clothesline. Tenay mentions how they'll be doing stories on Morgan's DNA going to space in the next coming weeks. I laugh ed at incredibly high volumes.

Abyss hits Booker with a Black Hole Slam while Morgan and Angle fight on the outside. Team 3D sneak out and hit Abyss in the head with a steel chair. Angle uses that to his advantage to pick up the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle and Booker T

After the break, Sting is in the ring and he spells Jeff Jarrett for us. He invited Jarrett out, but Joe is in the rafters and asks Sting if he's really disrespectful, or is Sting just insecure. Joe wants Sting at No Surrender, and he won't be there alone, because Jeff Jarrett's music plays and Jeff Jarret is here, on top of the entrance ramp. I'm not excited whatsoever. As a matter of fact, I may never have felt so much apat hy in my life. And that's it. Show's over.

What the fuck? No Sheik Abdul Bashir? So TNA does have some decency after all, huh? I guarantee you I regret typing that last question by next week.

Well, that wraps it up for this week. I'm pretty low on creative ways to end this at the moment, so I'll make it simple. If you don't send me feedback, I will break into your house while you're sleeping with a hammer and chop you up into tiny bite sized pieces. Just kidding. Or so you hope. Either way, you can send whatever you'd like to send to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765 268) or e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). Come back next week. Seriously. I need all the readers I can get.

by Nicole Cooper



Welcome to the TNA Impact Report. This week just so happened to be my first week back at school, and I suffered. By that, I mean no air conditioning, a horrible schedule, and some of the worst teachers ever placed on this planet. Therefore, expect lots of ridiculing tonight. I'll get immense pleasure from taking my anger out on Velvet Sky and Matt Morgan. And before we continue, I should mention that I'm fully aware ho w awful my spelling was last week; no need to remind me. That's because I typed the entire recap on my cell phone. Yes, that's right, my cell phone. So shut the fuck up and stop your bitching.

Tonight's show opens with a recap of Sting's promo from last week. You know, the one where he turned his back to the 600th wrestler and asked them to hit him with his bat. No one who looks like Gene Simmons can bring respect anywhere.

The title for tonight's Impact is "Hahaha, Rape! Whadda Funny Theme! Let's Base Our Whole First Segment On It!" Okay, that's a lie, but seriously, it might as well have been.

I've grown used to the video game entrances, therefore, I no longer mind them. Sting is going to address the fans again tonight. Maybe he won't be so boring this time. I'm giving Sting one do-over. He fucks this one up, and I will still continue to hate him forever.

Kurt Angle comes out in the most ridiculous looking sunglasses. Booker T and Sharmell soon follow. Booker is going to speak, so I'm excited. I don't think I can emphasize this enough: I LOVE CRAZY BOOKER T. Angle says Booker and him are what real world champion's should look like. They carry themselves with dignity, honor and respect. Except when they pass a Wendy's. I don't know, shit goes crazy around fast food joints.

Booker says pretty much every single thing Angle says, just in different words. No need to recap that. Kurt says they will take out the winner of Styles vs. Cage and then they will insert the guitar up Jarrett's ass and make an example out of Joe by humiliating him. Hey, Joe isn't Michael Cole! What, is Heidenreich on the TNA creative team now?

Cage comes down after this, obviously a little nervous about the potential rape, and says he will become a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion. Booker asks just what the hell Cage is thinking and says something I didn't catch, but dammit, if I wasn't laughing. Cage eventually calls Booker, Whoopi Goldberg, which angers Angle. He says things can do down the easy way or the hard way. I'm still thinking of rape, so I can't take th is seriously. Cage runs to the ring and goes after Booker and Angle, but gets double teamed. Styles runs down to the ring and attacks both men and sends them running out of the ring.

Jim Cornette magically appears! He says that if Booker or Angle interfere in their match later, both will lose their spot in the 4 Ways to Glory match. Hmm, I wonder what Frank Trigg is doing tonight. Styles and Cage shake hands in the ring.

Jeremy Borash is with Samoa Joe. Joe says that Nash preaches for him not to lose his temper, but his temper made him lost last week. Hypocrisy! He also says that he's going to put "a lot of hands" on him once he sees him (strong sexual theme becoming even more apparent at this point). Joe says Sting makes money from wrestling, not preaching. Commercials.

Rough Cuts with Consequences Creed. As you know by now, every week we learn a new lesson, and this week is no different! TNA is the American Dream. (So Bashir raped TNA?) Oh, and Creed has really yellow teeth.

Lauren is in the back with Bashir. She asks why he started a personal war against TNA, to which he replied with "hsjfigjdigdfogmdfg dsafidsfjd hdisfd". Bashir also mentions that after a "certain act of terror" occurred, the Americans took everything away from him and now he has to take everything back.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed; X Division title #1 Contender's Match

This seems like a sort of fall-back feud to me. You know, the "American Hero" vs. the typical Anti-America Arab. Sooooo original TNA. How did you ever come up with that one? Anyway, Bashir hits a Backdrop and is able to get a near fall. He then locks in a Chinlock, but Creed is able to break free. Creed hits a Somersault Clothesline, but misses a Splash in the corner. That allows Bashir to get the quick roll up with hit feet on the ropes for leverage. I find it funny that during this whole match, West said that everyone will cheer for Creed because he's American. You obnoxious racist asshole. Did it ever occur to you that some of what Bashir says actually makes sense?

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Didn't Bashir mention how unfair it is that 9/11 limits his freedom? Yet he uses a plane crash noise in his entrance music. I am confused.

BUT WAIT~!!1! It's not over! Creed explains what happened to the ref, and the referee restarts the match. That never, ever works, dude. Creed attempts a Sunset Flip, but Bashir grabs on to the ref and the ropes to stop him from falling down. The referee actually kicks Bashir's arms off of the ropes, and Creed picks up the actual win.

Winner: Consequences Creed

Sheik is mad, so he slaps the ref. The referee proceeds to enter Ric Flair mode and is able to absolutely destroy Bashir. I LOVE TNA!

Borash is with Nash now. Nash says he doesn't think Joe will ever listen to him, but there's a lot of truth in Sting's words. He says if Joe won't listen to him, maybe he'll listen to Sting.

Lauren is with Beer Money who have a "huge announcement". (Here's a spoiler: It's not at all huge). They're the last characters named for the TNA video game. Storm says he drinks too much to play video games, and Roode mentions the royalties of it to him. The Prince Justice Brotherhood steps in and Super Eric says they will be pulled from the game to protect the kids. Yes Super Eric, because Beer Money is such a horribl e influence on children, especially when compared to Abyss. An awesome little promo/argument goes down after. A ridiculous, over-dramatic Abyss promo package follows. Commercials.

Dammit, the Kinda Sorta Pretty People and Kip James are backstage. He still needs more clothing. I refuse to recap their segments. Velvet Sky, why do you articulate so much? No one cares what you have to say, so why bother? Fuck no. Not a beauty pageant. TNA is becoming WWE. And I had hope. At least Angelina Love didn't speak.

Beer Money vs. Shark Boy & Super Eric

Curry Man missed his entrance. He was supposed to be in Shark Boy's place. We then see footage of Curry Man in the back with Christy Hemme who looks to be stripping for him. I sense a ploy. In the ring, Beer Money is working on Shark Boy, and we cut to the back where Lance Rock and Jimmy Rave have laid out Curry Man.

Back in the ring again, Super Eric comes in to try to help Shark Boy, but Hebner didn't see a tag so he pushes him out. Storm hits a Superkick on Shark Boy and Roode hits The Payoff for the win.

Winners: Beer Money

After the match, Hernandez comes down, but Beer Money runs off. Homicide comes back, looking like a pirate, and attacks Beer Money from behind. Commercials.

Abyss vs. Johnny Devine w/ Team 3D

This is part of Abyss' open challenge. I'm tired of these things. Team 3D volunteers Devine to compete, and he shocked. He shouldn't be. He's the only jobber. Devine tries to attack Abyss with any weapon he can get to before he gets eaten alive. Team 3D tries to distract Abyss, but it doesn't work so well. Abyss gets in a Chokeslam, and picks up a chair, but won't use it.

Winner: No contest? I think.

Team 3D comes in and attacks Abyss from behind. But here comes Matt Morgan. <- That was a period, not an exclamation. Matt Morgan doesn't deserve exclamations. He's in the ugliest shirt I've ever seen. I'd laugh so hard if Abyss hits Morgan with the chair... but he doesn't, so therefore, ABYSS, I HATE YOU!

Lauren is with ODB, who runs into the men's bathroom. They play horrible fake farting effects while this goes on. Commercials.

Lauren runs up to Sting's car outside the Impact Zone. Can't she just wait until he goes to the ring to explain himself? Sting won't answer her. Serves her right.

Raisha Saed vs. ODB

Raisha Saed looks like she's attending a somewhat formal dinner, not a wrestling match. Saed is tossed out of the ring and into the guardrail. ODB attempts to do it again, but Saed counters and sends ODB into it instead. ODB gets Dropkicked off the ring apron. Once back in the ring, Saed misses a Moonsault off the top rope. ODB is able to pick up the win with a Running Power Slam.

Winner: ODB

After, ODB attempts to unmask Saed about 700 different times. Literally. She then disappears but eventually comes back with Saed's mask in her hands. Kong then comes out and attacks are we go to commercials.

Back, and Saed brings a chair in the ring, but Roxxi comes and takes a chair, and Kong gets one too, and they have a sword fight, only with steel folding chairs. Roxxi ends up getting an Awesome Bomb onto a chair.

Dammit, more Beautiful People and Kip James preparing for the horrible filler segment next week. Fuck, Angelina spoke. And they have a dumbass handshake too. Commercials.

West and Tenay run down the horrible, miserable, painful card for No Surrender. Four matches? Really? Video package airs for Cage's history with Styles.

Jeremy Borash is in the back with AJ Styles. He asks if Styles can concentrate considering what happened last week. Styles says Sting has done nothing for this generation and that if he wants respect, he needs to earn it. He mentions how he respects Christian Cage, but will win his match tonight. Commercials.

Christian Cage vs. AJ Styles; 4 Ways to Glory Qualifier

Cage gets the early advantage by knocking Styles off the ropes and onto the floor. Cage misses a dive out onto the floor, so Styles slides under the ropes and connects with a Hurricanrana. Christian hits a Neckbreaker and is able to get a 2 count. Styles is able to fight back and hit an Inverted DDT. The action is pretty much back and forth at this point, but Cage is able to his a Frog Splash that gets another 2 count.

Styles gets in a Back Drop, but misses the Spiral Tap. Cage is about to hit an Unprettier, but Styles is able to counter that and shove Christian into the ref. While the ref is down, Frank Trigg (toldya so) runs down and hits Styles with a kendo stick and runs away. Cage isn't aware of what happened, so he hits the Unprettier for the win.

Winner: Christian Cage

After the match, the same really bad Jeff Jarrett promo package airs. Sting is walking down to the entrance ramp. Commercials.

We get another recap of Sting's promo from last week and they somehow made it not put me to sleep. Sting thought he was going to be booed out of the building last week, so he thanks the fans for cheering him because he knows they want respect back in the business. To be honest, I don't need respect back, I need Raven back. Raven, and lots of violence. But hey, that's just me. He says without the fans, there's no wrestling, TN A, or Sting. HE IS NOT BEING VERY HEELISH!

Sting mentions that if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, and asks us where we stand, which is totally irrelevant. Joe comes out and says in 20 seconds he will be standing on Sting's throat. (Oh God). Sting gives Joe is bat and turns around again. You're routine is old, man. Joe says he doesn't need the bat or Sting's respect, and when you turn your back on the future, you're bound to regret it.

Joe pulls out a weapon of his own, but Nash makes his way down to the ring. Nash tells Joe to do whatever he needs to do without a weapon. After he says that, Sting attacks Joe with the bat and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Jarrett's music plays, and it takes Tenay about an hour to notice it. Sting says Jarrett has got his attention and he's ready to talk. I'm confused and hey, Nash is too!

And so ends this week's Impact. To be honest, Joe saved that last segment in my mind. Sting just bores me beyond comprehension; always has, always will. Once again, I encourage you to make my week better by sending feedback to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). You know, despite what it may seem like here , I'm actually a pretty decent person to talk to. And now I'm done with my own whining. So I'm Nicole, and just like Cody Rhodes when the word "charisma" is mentioned, I'm out.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).