Welcome one and all to the TNA Impact Report, the one recap here at TWF that is pretty much all filler. I am Nicole, and I have a 103 degree fever yet am I still here to recap this show for you. I suffer through Jeff Jarrett ego-trip promos, nonsensical Don West yelling, and a total lack of continuity or grasp of what a modern day wrestling audience wants to see so you don't have to. You're welcome.

The show opens with a recap of Jeff Jarrett's promo from last week. The only part worth watching is the end of it. Why suffer through Jeff Jarrett and his extremely gay shirts if you don't have to, right? Speaking of Jarrett, he's now on his way to the ring. And oh man, that is one nice shirt. I especially like the way it doesn't properly fit him. But damn, if it doesn't match that guitar of his perfectly. At least he can coordinate. (Filler.)

Once in the ring, he says that as the founder of TNA, he's proud to announce that they have signed what will be the greatest TNA acquisition of all time in Mick Foley. (Don't tell Angle that.) Also, next week, he's going to be here. What the fuck!? I have to wait until NEXT WEEK!? WAY TO GO JEFF JARRETT! You have completely taken away my one and only joy left in your company.

Kurt Angle comes out. I told you he wouldn't like that statement Jarrett made. He says that two years ago when Jarrett left, he single handedly made the company what it was. Why isn't Triple H in TNA? All it is is one huge clash of giant egos. And hey, Trips is pretty much guaranteed at least six title wins. The positives far outweigh the negatives.

Jeff apologizes to Kurt for some of his comments from last week. He promises Kurt that he will have AJ return his gold medal and in response, Angle kicks Jeff out of the ring, only to bring him back in. The hell? Jarrett goes to leave the Impact Zone, but Kurt calls him a "little bitch." All of Jeff Jarrett's childrens' names start with the letter J! Oh, the humor ego. Jarrett then comes back into the ring to tell Kurt that he has no idea what he's been through, but he will never quit. Why not? Jarrett should quit. I'd actually like him if he quit. DREAM MATCH TIME! Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett and Bound for Glory. Commercials.

Rock 'N Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. "The Blue Print (of genetic superiority)" Matt Morgan & Abyss

I will state this one last time: I absolutely hate Abyss and Morgan together. Alone, I can tolerate Abyss, and I still loathe Morgan, but together, they are not tolerable. Rave and Abyss start out with Rave trying to get in some chops on Abyss, but it didn't work, so he tags in Lance Rock. Morgan gets tagged in and he hits a Cross Body Block and tosses Jimmy Rave out onto the floor. 

Christy makes a distraction, but Morgan is still able to tag in Abyss, who hits a Black Hole Slam on Rock and he then hits the Shock Treatment on Rave. Abyss could have ended it after that. Why the fuck didn't he? Morgan gets back into the ring, hits the Hellevator on Rave and picks up the win. The Hellevator is a horribly named move and the Mile High Club is a dumb name as well.

Winners: Matt Morgan & Abyss

Post match, Team 3D comes down to the ramp. They're actually letting Devon speak tonight. He says that Morgan and Abyss' win at No Surrender was just a fluke.  He said this all last week, FYI. Devon runs down all their title wins, messing up all the word tenses in the process. For example: "eight times ECW Champion." Brother Ray says that at BFG, it'll be Team 3D vs. Morgan and Abyss vs. any other team that wants t o fight in a Monster's Ball match. What is a Monster's Ball? Wikipedia tells me it's a hardcore match. Okay, why couldn't you just say that, TNA? Abyss freaks out at the mentioning of it.

Rough Cuts with Roxxi. It's a big debate about hardcore womens' wrestling and how it's so hard to see a woman covered in her own blood. No one seemed to care that much when I was hit in the face with a baseball. There was blood. Lots of it. Just saying. Commercials.

Lauren is with Beer Money. James Storm says that when they looked for a manager, they didn't want a pretty face, they wanted the "baddest woman on the planet." Jacqueline completes Beer Money and she was born to be a wrestler. Dammit, I love James Storm.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saed vs. Mercedes Steele

I sense a squash. Kong shoves Steele down onto the mat, but Steele is able to get in a couple of kicks and a Dropkick. Kong tosses Steele out of the ring and fights her around there, until she's thrown back into the ring. The girl has awesome hair, but she screams like she's being eaten by a pack of lions. Kong whips Steele into the corner and hits a Big Splash. Oh my God, this woman does not stop yelling. Shut the fuck up. Seriously . She's worse then Angelina Love. She then hits an Awesome Bomb to get the three count.

Winner: Awesome Kong

After the match, Kong lays a chair out on the mat and Raisha Saed hits Kong with a chair? What? She then unmasks and oh wait, it's just Roxxi pretending to be Saed. She attacks Kong with a bunch of punches and stuff, and security comes in to stop her. Then, Saed suddenly decides to appear, all tied up in ropes. I feel as if I could care about this a lot more than I do right now. Commercials.

Karen's Angle with Christian Cage. Christian basically says that he understands Sting's point of view on the whole respect thing, but he also understands the younger guys' as well. Karen will not stop saying "right" this whole time. Bitch wants me to kill her. Karen asks which side he is on and Cage says that he will take whichever side makes the better offer. She's mad that Cage is avoiding her question and continu es to be an obnoxious bitch until Cage's phone rings and he leaves.

Lauren is in the back with LAX. Hector Guerrero looks ridiculous. Hector yells in spanish and says that Beer Money puts too much gravy on their biscuits...? I can't recap this because I have no idea what he's saying at all, even when he's speaking in English. Commercials.

Jeremy Borash is in Booker and Sharmell's locker room. Booker says that where he's from, Africa, the king and queen never change. Why can't I understand what anyone is saying tonight? He wants to know what "AJ" stands for and tells Styles to keep his enemies close, but his friends closer. I think you got that one a little mixed up.

LAX & Hector Guerrero vs. Beer Money Inc. and Jacqueline; Losing team loses their manager

James Storm comes out in the best helmet that I've ever seen. Storm and Homicide start out. I'm (not so) secretly rooting for Beer Money here. Storm reverses and Irish Whip, but Homicide is able to get in a Shoulder Tackle. Homicide batches Storm with a Belly to Belly Snap Suplex. Roode gets tagged in and he and Storm double team Homicide.

Hector Guerrero gets tagged in and he gets in a few punches and Dropkicks on Beer Money. He can wrestle? He hits the Three Amigos on Roode, and Jacqueline runs in and attacks Hector. He chases her up the ramp as we go to commercials.

I changed the channel towards the end of the commercials by accident and got seriously into another show. For that, I apologize. When I finally do come back, Hernandez hits Roode with some strange Pounce variation. He then flys over the ropes taking out both Roode and Storm. In the ring, Homicide hits a Gringo Cutter on Roode, but Jacqueline distracts the referee. Roode hits Hernandez with Storm's awesome helmet to get the win.

Winners: Beer Money

Earlier in the day, Lauren was with Sonjay Dutt and Val who were in bed together for ten days... oh, okay. Val is being so annoying. It sounds like someone is holding her nose closed. This angle has taken a turn for the worst. Oh God, they're singing to me.

Back in the Impact Zone and here comes Sting! It just keeps on getting worse. He says that out of respect to his father and him, he listened to everything Jeff had to say last week, so this week, Jeff will listen to Sting. STING IS NOT SWERVED! He knows the real Jeff. (I'm just quoting the man here.) Sting says that Jeff asked him to come out of retirement and that if he came back, Spike would give TNA a TV deal. I highly doubt that Spik e TV depends on 40+ year old men in face paint for TV deals.

Sting starts showing pictures of all wrestling legends and all the lessons they taught him. A huge "Hogan sucks" chant starts when his picture is shown, and that transitions into an even bigger "overrated" chant. I agree with Ric Flair on that matter, but you'd have to have seen the 2008 HOF to know what I'm talking about. Speaking of Flair, his picture comes up next. Flair put Sting on the map because he knew tha t Sting had respect. Dammit Sting, you're repeating yourself for the 4th(?) week in a row now.

Now, we see a picture of Samoa Joe. He doesn't know how to be a champion because he needs to learn respect. A picture of Sting is up next. He says he will win and then leaves the ring. Dumb and pointless. Commercials.

Backstage, Abyss is yelling "no weapons" over and over and over again and banging his head into something, I don't know what. Morgan says Abyss has to face his fears. Morgan used to be afraid of flying, so he became a pilot. Oh, I thought he did it by replacing his DNA with someone who wasn't afraid of flying. COME ON, MATT MORGAN DNA JOKES WILL NEVER GET OLD!

Borash is in the back with Samoa Joe. He's surprised Joe didn't come down to the ring when Sting was there. Joe says Sting being an absolute bitch (not a direct quote) has nothing to do with respect, rather fear of Joe for taking his spot. Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed come in and thank Joe. Joe says things are getting interesting. No they aren't. Things are getting repetitive. That's more like it. Commercials.

Suicide promo airs. If this isn't Kaz, I will be beyond disappointed and will probably have to kill a TNA official.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Samoa Joe

There's a good chance somebody's credibility is going down the toilet here. Bashir throws some punches, but ends up being hit with a Front Body Drop. Joe hits some Knife Edge Chops and Irish Whips Bashir into the corner to hit a Running Elbow. Bashir gets whipped into the corner, but he's able to Dropkick Joe's knee. Joe then misses a Kneedrop.

Bashir works on Joe's left leg, but Joe uses his right leg to kick free. Bashir gets in a few Knife Edge Chops, but Joe reverses an Irish Whip. Bashir goes up for a Crossbody, but Joe steps out of the way and hits an Inverted Atomic Drop. Joe then hits a Running Boot and a Senton Backsplash. Eventually, Bashir gets in a Dragon Screw Leg Whip and locks on a Half Crab.

Joe wouldn't submit, so Bashir continues to work on Joe's knee in the corner until the referee pulls him off. Joe hits a One-Handed Chokeslam and a Muscle Buster for the win.

Winner: Samoa Joe

After his win, Joe says that he has Sting's respect "right here" before putting Bashir in a Kokina Clutch while Joe's eyes roll into the back of his head again. I love that last part so much. Four officials try to pull Joe off. The referee reverses the decision, so therefore...

ACTUAL winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Borash is in the back with AJ Styles. He says he's proud of where he's from. Also, he has a message for Booker which will be delivered in the ring. Ohhh, he has a sparkly vest. Commercials.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. AJ Styles

Christian Cage comes down before the start of the match to watch. Styles is confused, but hey this TNA, what do you expect? Booker throws a knee and some chops in the beginning, and eventually, a Roundhouse Kick. Styles sends Booker into the corner with an Irish Whip, and then hits a Styles Splash. Booker gets Snap Mared into the canvas. Booker is able to fight back, but he misses an Ax Kick, so Styles gets in an Enziguri. We cut to commerci als as Booker kicks out of a pin attempt.

Booker hits a Side Suplex and drops his knee onto Styles' chest. He then hits a Spinebuster, goes for the pin, but that only gets a two count. Booker then goes for a Rear Chin Lock. Booker misses another Ax Kick (note to readers: Booker can never hit the Ax Kick). Styles gets in some Clotheslines and a Springboard Flying Forearm which gets a two count.

Eventually, Booker is in the corner, and as he moves out, him and Styles collide. Styles falls backwards onto Earl Hebner taking him out. Sharmell got into the ring with that mysterious briefcase of hers. TNA loves their horribly mystery angles. Cage takes the briefcase away from Sharmell, and Styles turns around, confused as to why Cage has it. Booker attacks Styles, picks up the case, uses it on Styles, and picks up the win.

Winner: Booker T

Cage looks pretty upset, so he walks around and awkwardly stares at AJ. Styles screams at Christian, so Christian jumps onto the apron. They continue to yell at each other like six year olds until the show closes.

Well, that's it for this week. Notice how this is on time? I can keep my word. And because of my word keeping, you're all going to do me a favor and SEND ME FEEDBACK, DAMMIT! I literally received nothing last week, and suffice to say, I wasn't very pleased. So you know the usual deal: Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenic ole@gmail.com). I beg of you to come back next week so you can see such original material like Sting complaining about the lack of respect in wrestling today. Wait, you mean he's been doing that every single week for the past month? Come back anyway. Please?