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August 14, 2008
August 21, 2008
August 28, 2008

by Nicole Cooper



Hello everyone and welcome to the TNA Impact Report! Unfortunately, this week's show is following an exceptionally good episode of Impact (blasphemy~!) so that means this week, it'll be lackluster at best. Let's face it, watching Impact nowadays is like watching Mike Adamle waste his breath and your time on Raw. You know it's going to reach new levels of suck, and you know it's not going to make any sense, but you pray to yourself that Shawn Michaels' tag team partner in sky will pull a miracle and make it worth watching. I'm in dire need of sleep if I want to successfully wake up tomorrow morning and catch a 7AM flight, so let's get into the most nonsensical and vague TNA Impact recap ever!

If there was a title for tonight's show, I missed it. Already off to a bad start on my part. A promo package for Sting opens the show, and it promises an explanation from Sting later on tonight. That cuts to footage from earlier where Sting arrives to the Impact Zone without all his makeup. Lauren asks if fans will hear from him tonight, you know, in case we didn't get that from the promo package, and he says that tonight's the n ight. I thought Sting was supposed to be evil now. He sure doesn't sound too evil. Tenay and West go over the card and we are off to our first match.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saed vs. Random Black Woman w/ a really bad weave

Ever notice how it looks like Awesome Kong dances her way to the ring? If not, you should look into it, it's really a sight to behold. They mention this random woman's name, but all I can manage to actually comprehend is her last name, which just so happens to be Bolt. Bolt is able to get in all the early offense, but hey, you don't get a ring intro, you aren't worthy, so Kong is able to come back and destroy her. This match has too many strange camera angles and close ups for my liking. I prefer to see wrestling, not every small detail in Saed's makeup. Anyway, Kong is able to pick up the win with the Awesome Bomb. (Yes, every match will be recapped so horribly tonight.)

Winner: Awesome Kong

After the match, Saed grabs 2 chairs, opens them, and sets them up next to each other. Bolt is about to get an Awesome Bomb onto them, but ODB runs out. She throws the chairs at Saed and Kong and then goes after Kong. She hits a tornado DDT off the top rope and some gets in a bunch of punches. ODB won't back off of Kong, so a bunch of security guards and referees come out to pull her off.

Borash is now with AJ Styles. AJ says he has a history with Christian Cage and is looking forward to facing him next week. He then says that he doesn't have Angle's medal with him, but it is good hands. Commercials.

More Rough Cuts with Consequences Creed. Last week, we found out that wrestling is awesome. This week, we find out that you to can work for TNA if you bombard their office with emails and phone calls. It worked for Consequences Creed, and by God, it can york for you too!

Sheik Abdul Bashir w/ what sounds like a PLANE CRASH in the beginning of his theme & Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan vs. Consequences Creed & Jay Lethal

I blame everything wrong with Bashir on Vince Russo. Tune in to TNA next week where you get to see such a mat classic like Bashir vs. Creed in SHOE BOMB ON A POLE MATCH~!1!!!1! I should also mention that Creed tried to high five a spanish man on his way to the ring, and I'm pretty sure the man shit his pants. Things like this keep me watching wrestling. The beginning of the match sees  a lot of back and forth action. It goes on for a while, until Bashir tags in Williams. Creed goes after Williams until he is tripped by Rhaka Khan. Bashir and Williams alternate working over Creed, but soon enough, Williams misses a high rise move which allowed Creed to tag in Lethal.

Lethal climbs up top, but Bashir knocks him down. Bashir then climbs the ropes while Williams is trying to hit a Canadian Destroyer. Creed pushes Bashir off the ropes and into Petey Williams which causes an altercation between the two partners. That allows Lethal to get a surprise roll up for the win.

Winners: Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal

Petey looks pissed. I can tell because he is wagging his finger at Bashir. Tension is building up like whoa. I sense an altercation. And I am right, because a shoving match ensues! The refs run back out to break it up. So, 3 referees can break up Bashir and Williams, yet every ref and security guard in the building can't pull ODB away? Wow TNA, you got this logic thing down to an art, don't you?

Lauren is in the back with ODB. ODB says she doesn't sweat and that she likes it rough every Friday (despite it being Thursday). She also says the the ODB saloon is wide open. ODB confuses me. I don't need to be confused at this hour in the night. Commercials.

Back, and Abyss is on Karen's Angle? What has he come to? He says that he is now called Chris Parks and asks if he can make himself comfortable. He does so by flipping over a table and a chair and sitting on the floor. Abyss then says that the mental hospital fed him, clothed him, and made him realize that Abyss was destructive, but Chris Parks is a good person. Then he asks "Abyss... is he alive or dead?" Or not. But he might as well have. He then asks Karen what she looks for in a man before making some pig noises and laughing. He reads her some poem he wrote about kidnapping her, I think, and then pulls his hair out and gives it to Karen.

Lauren is with The Somewhat Appealing people in the back with Kip James. He's trying to fix Lauren's makeup, and holy crap, they are all so annoying. I don't want to hear any of the talk, I will not listen. Blah blah blah blah, I can't hear you, Velvet Sky. And Kip James, pull your shirt down and put on some pants. NO! DO NOT GIVE THE MICROPHONE TO ANGELINA LOVE! Well, she did anyway. Dammit. They talk about how ugly Roxxi an d WIlde are, which of course, is the reason all current angles start. Edge and Undertaker? Edge frowns upon Taker's tan complexion despite being a zombie. Jeff Hardy and MVP? MVP prefers people who shave their faces completely.

Borash is in the back with Angle and Trigg. Kurt says that he prays AJ Shows up tonight (Not so much of a spoiler: AJ is already here). He then says that he won't go to bed until he has his medal back. Angle snaps a bit when he finds out that AJ doesn't have his medal with him. Trigg calms him down and says he won't leave Angle to become a shoot fighter in Japan like Tomko did. That is what we call a burn.

Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. Curry Man

Let it be known that regardless of his opponent, I will always have an automatic preference to Jimmy Rave. Yes, that's right, I LIKE the Rock and Rave Infection. Anyway, Curry Man gets the early advantage by diving off the top rope onto Rave during Rave's entrance. Hemme jumps on the apron and causes a distraction which gives Jimmy Rave the advantage. Some back and forth action with both men managing a pin attempt, but Curry Man is a ble to pick up the win with a Spice Rack. You know, for the time given, this was actually a really good match. But really, what do you expect with these two?

Winner: Curry Man

Christy then runs into the ring and slaps Curry Man. Lance Rock then runs out while Christy hits a low blow. Rock attacks Curry Man, and Christy slaps him a few more times. But here comes Super Eric and Shark Boy. They attack but Rock and Rave run out of the ring.

Lauren is in Jim Cornette's office. He's angry and says that at No Surrender, it will be the Rock and Rave Infection (Christy included) vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood. Traci Brooks comes in and Cornette gives her a new job. That job is to keep things under control in the Knockout's locker room and fire who needs to be fired. He also tells her that she can't play favorites, which means she will, without a shadow of a doubt , play favorites. Commercials.

Jeremy Borash is in Booker T's locker room with Team 3D and Sharmell. Booker T has a new black pimp jacket. Team 3D have pimp jackets as well, but they don't like theirs. I absolutely love TNA Booker T. And by that, I mean how he speaks and how he never makes any sense whatsoever. Yeah, that's enjoyable. Anyway, Booker calms Team 3D down and wants to toast "to good times".

Borash is now with Nash. Nash says he's not fighting tonight to win the title, rather to act as a wake up call. He says if he beats Kurt, he gets to go to Toronto and watch Joe's back. He also says that if he does go, he could walk away with the title. And hey, if not, I'm sure he can always go around the neighborhood picking up random toy boxes. I'm sure one of them will be full of weights; perfect for Nash. Commercials.

Samoa Joe joins Don West and Mike Tenay on commentary for Nash's match. Hey, the less Don West the better, right?

Kurt Angle vs. Kevin Nash; 4 ways to Glory Qualifying Match

Kevin Nash literally takes an hour to walk to the ring, or so it seems. Oh, and Earl Hebner is rocking a new hair cut. Angle gets in a few punches early on, but Nash comes  back pretty quickly, bending Kurt over his knee and such and getting a few near falls. Nash works on Angle, chocking him with his book in the corner and we cut to commercials.

Back, and Angle is in control again, working Nash's knee over in the corner. Angle locks in a Figure Four (leave the memories alone!!!), but Nash counters it and gets to the ropes. The two again begin to trade blows, but Nash is able to poke Angle in the eyes for the advantage. Nash clotheslines Angle out of the ring. While outside, Nash went to the broadcast table to slap Joe and to tell him to keep his eyes on him. Some words of a rude nature are spoken and Joe jumps up onto the apron. Joe causes a distraction, as Angle hits a low blog and the Angle Slam for the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Aside from Nash's knees completely dying in the middle of match, it actually wasn't horrible. Sure, we can credit that to Angle, who, face it, can carry almost anyone to a good match, but either way, it counts for something.

After the match, Joe and Nash argue about Joe's temper. Nash then walks away leaving Joe in the ring alone. Normally, I would agree that yes, Joe is slightly crazy, but Nash did slap him first, so guy gets what's coming to him. Commercials.

THE Guitar gets its own hype package. I actually laughed pretty hard at this considering that almost all the footage featured Jeff Jarrett, but IT IS A MYSTER! NO ONE KNOWS WHO IT IS! Even if you think you do, you really don't because TNA would never make such a thing so obvious.

Right after that video ends, they play another video package specifically for Jeff Jarrett. Honestly, I was shocked that they let it out so easily. Not once did West yell, "OH MY GOD MIKE TENAY! MIKE TENAY, IT'S JEFF JARRETT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT, MIKE TENAY? EVERY WEEK A GUITAR FALLS FROM THE CEILING, AND ALL THOSE GUITARS BELONG TO JEFF JARRETT, MIKE TENAY!" Commercials.

Lauren is with So Cal Val who has the fakest looking facial bruises ever. She says that because of Lethal and Sonjay fighting, she's gotten caught in the crossfire. She also says that she is going to hang her ring above the ring and whoever climbs up to get it first will win her. Vince Russo at his best, folks.

Angelina Love & Velvet Sky w/ Kip fucking James vs. Roxxi & Taylor Wilde

Sky and Wilde start off. WIlde works Velvet over in the corner, but Kip James distracts the referee, and Sky hits her with the makeup kit. Angelina Love gets the tag and works over Wilde as we go to commercials.

Once back, Wilde tags in Roxxi, who takes both Love and Sky out, and hits a Spinebuster on Love. She goes for a pin, which is broken up by Sky. Wilde comes in and now everyone is in the ring fighting until Wilde misses a Cross Body Block off the top rope. While the ref is checking her out, James tosses in a spay bottle which Love sprays in Roxxi's eyes. That allowes Angelina Love to kick her in the face and get the win.

Winners: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky

After the match, Kip James gets the brown paper bag and places it on Roxxi's head. Wilde runs into the ring and slaps him twice, but she's attacked by Love and Sky. They take out a pair of scissors, ready to cut WIlde's hair, but Rhino comes out to run them of. Rhino? Really? Why? Commercials.

Sting comes down to speak and you'd think for a moment as "big" as this they'd skip the video game entrances. You'd be wrong. Sting says he considered retiring, but wanted to know what would happen if he let the future superstars in the company guide the company. He says it was a mistake. He says that Samoa Joe disrespected a legend in Booker T, which is why Sting got involved. 

Sting then says that AJ Styles went from calling him Mr. Sting to calling him a coward. AJ owes something to Sting because Sting paved the way for AJ to become a pro wrestler. He then calls every young wrestler in the back a spoiled rotten brat. He says that one way or another, he will bring respect back to TNA. Well. Someone has got a big head.

This brings out Styles who says Sting is wrong. Sting doesn't care, and he complains some more about not being respected by AJ and how AJ took things too far at Hard Justice against Kurt Angle. He also says that he will give AJ his bat and turn his back, and let AJ do whatever he wants with it. Sounds familiar, huh?

AJ won't do anything, so Sting pushes him. He's about to hit Sting, but Sting is able to block it and hit a Scorpion Death Drop. And now, Jeff Jarrett's music lays, and Sting looks confused, then surprised, and then humored. All of a sudden, Tenay recognizes Jarrett's music, despite it playing for the past few months every time a guitar shows up? Yeah, that makes sense. And that's it.

I did say this was going to be vauge. Sorry guys, I just don't have it in me this week to type painfully detailed match recaps. Sleep deprivation and time constraints definitely can take their toll on you. Next week, all things will be back to normal, so for the 8 of you who actually read this, you can just countdown to then.

And that's it for this week. Let's let it be known that Impact ends at 11, and I stayed up until 3AM to finish this (various breaks included), despite having to leave my house at 5:30. That's what you call dedication. Feedback is not only appreciated, it's expected (or not, but hey, it sounds good) so you know the deal by now; Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268) or e-mail (fersureenicole@gmail.com). I'm Nicole, and just like Chris Harris when asked to hit the gym, I'm out.

by Nicole Cooper



Hello everyone and welcome to the TNA Impact Report. No exclamation marks this time. Kip James taking up valuable TV time, a huge Matt Morgan push on the horizon, Katie Kim, and bats falling from the ceiling every 2 second despite the fact that Sting is pissed off about his contract again. In one week, TNA has made a vow to kill me. But hey, don't let my misery get in the way of you enjoying such a MOTY candidate like Matt Morgan vs. Random X Division Star Turned Jobber For The Sole Purpose Of Being Destroyed By Matt Morgan! Moving on...

Tonight's show is called AJ Styles: Olympic Gold Medalist? I don't care enough to comment on dumb names. Right away, Jeremy Borash is with Kurt Angle. Angle says he's here to get his medal back and get his hands on whoever the guitar belongs to. We get another video game entrance and after that, our first match begins.

Robert Roode w/ Jacqueline and James Storm vs. Hernandez w/ Hector Guerrero and Salinas

I can't take a wrestler named Robert seriously. Roode attacks before the bell rings They fight on the floor for a while, and Hernandez eventually hits a Hesitation Suplex in the ring. Hey, there's a redneck couple in the crowd with Thing 1 and 2 shirts on. That's how you plan to get noticed? I'm disregarding everyone in the crowd from now on not dressed up as Papa Shango. Make this happen, world. Roode hit the floor and when Hernandez tried to go after him, Storm nailed Hernandez. There's loooooots of staling here which gives me looooots of reasons not to care about this match. The crowd apparently agrees because they start a "boring" chant. That stops when Hernandez is whipped into the steps.

Once both men are back in the ring, Roode goes for the pin but only gets a 2 count. Roode hits the Perfect Neck Snap and a Neckbreaker. He locks in a Rear Chin Lock, but Hernandez is able to back Roode into the corner. Hernandez is sent onto the apron and hit a Flying Shoulder Tackle over the ropes. Hernandez hits a Clothesline and a Back Body Drop, and eventually some move that looks a lot like the Border Toss but clearly wasn't. He goes for a pin after that which gets a 2 count. Roode climbs the ropes and hits a Buff Blockbuster and attempts a pinfall which gets countered into a Face Plant Reverse Suplex. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss but Jacqueline interrupts it by running into the ring, followed by Salinas to attack her. Hernandez gets in some more offense before Storm jumps up on the apron and holds onto Hernandez as Roode rushes in. Roode ends up almost nailing Storm, but is able to stop last second. Hernandez hits a Reverse Samoan Drop for the win.

Winner: Hernandez

After the commercials, Borash is in the back with AJ Styles. God, Borash's suit is revolting. Anyway, Styles says Angle can try to get his medal back in a ladder match later tonight. At that point, Kurt shows up with a bunch of security guards trying to block him while he yells. We cut back to the ring and West once again talks about the "Mystery of the Guitar." Not everyone in this company can be so fucking stupid.

Eric Young and BG James (...why?) vs. Motor City Machine Guns w/ video game entrance which I can accept because it's the MCMG

The pyro knocks BG down and then knocks Young and James down the second time while Don West completely looses his breath recapping something so unimportant, much like myself. Sabin and Young start if off with some Arm Bars. Sabin sends Young into the corner, but Young manages to hit a Dropkick. Chris Sabin hits a Mule Kick and tags in Shelley and Young tags in BG James. James works on Shelley for a while, eventually dancing like a complete idiot. Shelley apparently has some HBK/Hogan heat with James. Seriously, guy's selling this shit like crazy. Shelley grabs James and Sabin hits a Missile Dropkick off the top rope. The Guns double team BG, but he is eventually able to hit a Double DDT.

Young tags in and went to work on Sabin and Shelley. Alex Shelley is able to reverse an Irish Whip which sent Young over the ropes. Shelley rushes towards Eric, who is able to move out of the way, which sends Shelley to the floor. Eric Young attempts a pin which gets a 2 count. Shelley gets back in with a Flying Crossbody. Sabin uses Shelley's back for his Step-up Dropkick on BG James. Young is then sent to the corner. Shelley leaps off Sabin's back to nail a Flying Forearm. Shelley is out on the floor after he misses a dive onto BG. Eric Young then hits an Inverted Ace Crusher to take the win.

Winners: Eric Young and BG James

After the match, there's handshakes between Shelley and Young/BG. This time around, Sabin decides to not shake hands. He'd rather spit on BG James' hand. BG proceeds to attack Sabin. Are we setting up another awful angle here?

Borash is with Angle whose going to talk to Booker T. I love Booker T's pimp jacket. Angle asks Booker to be in corner in the main event in case "someone" comes out with a guitar, and Booker agrees to help. Booker then offers Kurt a drink, but Angle turns him down by saying that he doesn't drink because he is an olympic gold medalist. Oh, the irony. That'd be like Jeff Hardy saying he doesn't take drugs because because he is high flyer. That either went over your head, or just wasn't funny a all. Commercials.

Once back, a video package of the history between Lethal, Dutt, and Val airs. It's Karen's Angle time. She's with Val this week. Val says she doesn't know who she is and whines and complains. Karen Angle, you cannot solve this, you aren't Doctor Phil. Dutt appears and says he's in love with her and that she should pick him over Lethal. Val's about to kiss him when Lethal jumps across the screen and pulls out whatever hair is remaining on Dutt's head, and eventually, Val gets taken out accidently. She has a "concussion and facial bruising." She deserves it for having such a whiney voice.

More of Rough Cuts with Consequences Creed airs. Wrestling is awesome. That's your lesson of the week from Consequences Creed, people. Commercials.

Matt Morgan vs. Frankie Capone (Okay, I lied about the X Division star thing.)

Matt Morgan has DNA strands on his tights. Since when?!? All this irony is making me so excited. Capone jumps Morgan before the bell. You can't jump Matt Morgan! He's one of the strongest men alive. And hey, now you can be to! Side note: Has anyone actually checked out the website for this yet? If not, do so. Right the second. Stop reading this and go to the link. It's much funnier than anything I could ever write.

Morgan places Capone on the ropes and hits a Running Boot and then a Leg Drop on the apron. Frankie Capone ducks a clothesline but then ran into a Bicycle Kick. Why are you even trying to win this match, Capone? Morgan goes for the Hell-e-vator and picks up the win. Didn't I tell you this would be a MOTY candidate?

Winner: Matt Morgan

After the destruction of Capone, Bubba Ray is out. He asks Morgan how it feels to beat someone with no future in the business. Bubba issues a challenge to Morgan, and Devon comes out and Team 3D attacks. Abyss is out now to rescue some more faces! Does anyone even care about him anymore? I know I don't. Commercials.

Back and we get footage of an interview with Kevin Nash. Mike Tenay mentions crazy Joe and Nash says that his temper will hurt him and could eventually cost him the world title. It's called foreshadowing. Nash and Tenay then proceed to shit on every wrestler under the age of 45 in the back. 

Lauren is now in the back with the Moderately Attractive People. She mentions that at No Surrender it will be Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde for the title. Angelina Love says some stuff which I didn't listen to because I really can't tolerate her voice. And holy shit, Kip James is here. He finds Wilde and messes up her hair and throws a bin of makeup at her. Okay, I was expecting that to be a lot worse then it was.

Jeremy Borash is with Rhino now. Honestly, I still wasn't listening, but I'm sure he threatened Booker T with a Gore. No Rhino promo is complete if he doesn't threaten someone with a Gore. Poor Rhino, he actually thinks he can win tonight. Commercials.

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Rhino; Four Ways to Glory qualifying match

Booker and Rhino lock up with Rhino eventually giving Booker a clean break in the corner. They lock up again and Rhino reverses a Hammerlock. Booker hits a bunch of Knife Edge Chops. Rhino hits a Clothesline and Leg Drop. In the corner, Rhino chokes Booker T. He dodges a Crescent Kick and nails a Spinebuster. Rhino goes for the pin but Sharmell puts Booker's foot on the ropes to break the count. Christian Cage comes down to the ring and picks Sharmell up and carries her out. I was hoping she would be laid out so I wouldn't have to hear her yell at unnecessary times anymore, but I can accept this as well. Commercials.

Once back, Booker locks in a Rear Chin Lock. Rhino got to his feet and went for Booker T's ribs. Booker lifts Rhino and goes for the Ax Kick, but Rhino is able to counter it. He then ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own, taking both men to the mat. Rhino hits a Belly to Belly Suplex and went to the top rope and missed a Diving Headbut. Booker is able to nail the Ax Kick and get the win.

Winner: Booker T

Lauren talks to Gail Kim in the back. Gail Kim asks what she's supposed to do about Kong, pack up her bags and leave? IRONY! Three times in one night. This is really too much for me. She says she's willing to do anything for the title. Cut to commercials.

Consequences Creed vs. Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan; X Division Title match

Creed hits some Arm Bars and a Drop Toe Hold into a Double Leg Lock. He follows that up with a Front Face Lock. Petey counteres that and went to the ropes. Creed catches him in a Barrel Roll Clothesline. The move sends Williams to the floor, so Creed goes after him, but is sent into the barrier back first. Petey gets back in the ring and while the ref checks on him, Rhaka Khan goes to attack Creed, but he ducks so she gets her foot stuck in the barrier.

Creed hits a Slingshot over the ropes and goes for the pin, which Williams powers out of at 2. Petey gets the advantage, and chokes Creed on the ropes and hits a Running Dropkick on Creed's back. At this point, Sheik Abdul Bashir comes out to the top of the ramp to watch. Now, I'm going to interrupt this match for some sort of a checklist.


Vest that looks like it holds weapons... Check

Weapons hidden inside of his boots... Check

Creepy stalking techniques... Check

Total hatred for anything American... Check

Finishes off opponents with the WMD... Check

Enough said. After that list was finished, Petey hilt a Tilt-a-Whirl Float-Over into a Side Russian Legsweep. He attempts a Canadian Destroyer, but Creed counters it into an Inverted Atomic Drop. Williams hits a Spinning Neckbreaker and tries to run Creed into the corner but it gets blocked. Creed then hits a Gorilla Press and a Gutbuster. Bashir comes in to try to interfere but Creed knocks him off of the apron. Petey is them sent out of the ring as well. Creed then hits an awesome Flip Dive over the ring ropes onto the floor. Once back in the ring, Creed lifts Petey up, and Bashir runs in and attacks Creed which causes a DQ.

Winner: Consequences Creed by DQ

After the match, Petey Williams and Bashir argue. Apparently, Petey doesn't want to win by cheating, even though he had Rhaka Khan try to attack Creed earlier in the match. Logic is a great thing. Borash is in the back talking to the Rock and Rave Infection. The Prince Justice Brotherhood interrupts saying that they're embarrassing rock and roll music. Curry Man proceeds to hit on Christy Hemme in the most stereotypical asian accent imaginable. Rock and Rave then attack with their plastic guitars. I've been fully entertained for the night. Commercials.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saed vs. Gail Kim; Knockouts Streetfight

We get to see Katie Kim, who just so happens to be Earl Hebner's daughter (adopted, I'd assume) looking pretty worried. Kong hit a double fist to the side of Gail's shoulders and then drops her over the railing, but Kim fought back. Awesome Kong then reverses an Irish Whip and sends Gail into the ring post. Kim is thrown into the crowd where Kong went for a charge, but ends up eating the wall when Kim moves out of the way. Gail ran up Kong to reach the balcony, and she hits an Ax Bomber off of it.

The two women fight in the crowd again where Kong picks up an umbrella from one of the fans and uses it on Kim. Kim is able to get in a forearm shot, but Kong kicks her down the stairs. They fight back to the ringside area where Kong picks up a kendo stick and chokes Gail with it. Gail is able to grab the weapon and attack Kong with it. Kong attempts a Clothesline, but Kim moves and Kong pretty much Clotheslines the ring post.

Kim rolls Saed into the ring and beat her with a Kendo Stick. Kong threw a chair into the ring, and Kim picks it up and tosses it in Kong's face. After that, she Dropkicks the chair into Kong's face. Gail hits three Clotheslines and a some other move I didn't catch, but it still didn't take Kong down. She powers out of a Neckbreaker and whips Kim into the steel chairs. Kong goes for a Gore, but Gail moves, so Kong ran into the steel chair. Kong then hits an Implant Buster for the win.

Winner: Awesome Kong

After the match, Kong and Saed do a double team attack on Kim. Katie Kim jumps in the ring! Bitch is going to die. Kong seems to be pretty interested in her. So much so, that when she picks Katie up for the Awesome Bomb, it looks like a lot more is going to go on than just that. But any creepy sexual endeavors were stopped by ODB and Roxxie who hit the ring. I feel as if Katie Kim is the female equivalent of Bam Neely. She's kind of just there with no purpose other then to make stupid facial expressions. Commercials.

Kurt Angle w/ Booker T vs. AJ Styles; Ladder Match for Angle's gold medal

Styles gets an early attack on Angle, and Samoa Joe runs down to the ring to attack Booker. Angle goes to attack Styles with the ladder, but Styles moves. AJ Snap Mares Kurt and kicks him in the back. Kurt reveres an Irish Whip and goes for a Release German Suplex which Styles flips out of. Angle goes out to the floor to get a ladder. Styles leaves the ring to grab the ladder. Kurt uses the ladder to shove Styles into the barrier. Angle pushes the ladder into the ring, but Styles is able to pull it back out. Styles gets back in the ring while Kurt is coming off the ropes. He connects with a Leap Frog and a Dropkick. Angle is laid out on the floor, so Styles nails a Slingshot Crossbody. We go to commercials as Sharmell comes out.

Sharmell has on Booker's pimp jacket. Angle chokes Styles with his shirt and uses a Drop Toe Hold to send Styles into the ladder face first. Kurt locks in a Sleeper, but Styles fights out. Kurt goes for an Angle Slam, but Styles reverses it into a DDT. Angle gets taken down with a few Clotheslines and a Backbreaker. AJ goes to climb the ladder, but he has to reset it, so Angle pushes it and Styles falls. Kurt is thrown into the ladder and is busted open, for what? The fourth week in a row? Styles goes up the ladder again but is taken down with an Angle Slam.

Kurt goes up the ladder and almost reaches the top, but Styles pushes the ladder. Both men then Clothesline each other, but Angle is able to flip Styles over the ropes. Sharmell reaches up to grab Styles' leg, but he kicks her away and hits a Springboard Flying Forearm on Angle. Sharmell then slid a bat to Booker, who used it on Joe's back. In the ring, Styles climbs the ladder, and Kurt follows. The lights go out and JEFF JARRETT'S MUSIC PLAYS. (There is no mystery, dammit!) The guitar is back and AJ hits Angle with it, and grabs the medal for the win. AJ holds the guitar on top of the ladder as the show closes.

TNA always has to have a ridiculous amount of backstage segments, but when they want to put on really good matches, they can. Take tonight for example. They went from making me regret watching the show last week, to making me actually want to watch it again this week. And that's really all you can ask for, right?

And that just about wraps it up for this week. Next week the TNA Impact Report comes to you on Friday or Saturday (depending on how lazy I choose to be) because I'll be in Vegas come Saturday night. So until that time, watch some of these matches on Youtube somewhere. Seriously. They were good. Just like last time, all feedback can be sent to my Myspace (www.Myspace.com/142765268). Or, you can always e-mail me. And while you're at it, go to the main page and read just about everything else there.

I'm Nicole, and if I can tolerate another unnecessary Matt Morgan squash match, I will see you all next week.

by Nicole Cooper



Hello all and welcome to the TNA Impact Report! I am your new and angry host, Nicole, who still questions why I watch TNA on a weekly basis. Seriously, shits gone downhill. I'm not going to waste time writing a real introduction, because we've got some Total Nonstop Action (or the exact opposite of that) to get to!

Right away, Lauren is with Nash and Joe as they arrive at the Impact Zone. She asks about the magical guitar. Lauren, you dumb bitch, clearly the guitar belongs to Van Hammer. Only this will be a slightly toned down version for TNA's top audience, 50 year old men. Why the hell am I recapping this show? Joe says that if Sting and Booker want to play, he's ready for it, and that things are going to start getting interesting.

The opening for the show was once again taken from the TNA video game. We get it. We're in the 21st century. No video game is going to look like shit anymore. There's no need to make every entrance every week from your game; no one's going to buy it anyway. (That's actually a lie. I need it just to see Alex Shelley in virtual form.) And after that, we're ready for the first match.

Rock and Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. Christian Cage and Rhino

Jimmy Rave looks like he raided Christian's closet tonight. Rhino and Rave begin. Rhino over powers him at first and then hits a Clothesline. Cage tags in and they team up to hit a Double Hip Toss. Poor Christian. He went from main eventing pay per views, to opening episodes of Impact. Rave runs over to Lance and hugs him, before he tags in and attacks Cage. Lance Rock eventually misses a Big Boot which allowed Cage to tag in Rhino. Cage whips Rhino into the corner, hitting Lance. Rhino hits a Belly to Belly Suplex then attempts a Gore, but he gets tripped by Rave. Rock tags back in and they double team on Rhino, eventually getting a 2 count. While this pin attempt takes place, I realize that Lance Rock is a creepy looking fucker. Rock chokes Rhino in the ropes and Hemme follows. Rave tags in again, shoots Rhino off the ropes, but Rhino counters with a Spinebuster which gets a 2 count. Lance Rock breaks the cover and goes for a few punches, but Rhino is able to get in a Clothesline and tags in Cage. Cage tosses Rock out of the ring and Clotheslines Rave. He then goes for an Unprettier on Rave, which is stopped by a Big Boot from Rock. Rhino gets back in and they nail a Double Backdrop on Rave. Rave gets Gored, and then Cage hits a Frog Splash. Lance Rock attempts to come in last second to break the pin, but... falls flat on his face instead.

Winners: Christian Cage and Rhino

Jeremy Borash is in the back with Kurt Angle. Angle literally looks like he's about to die any second now. Kurt calls himself a role model, which makes sense. I mean, all my role models have DUIs. He then says that Styles tried to give him a BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK two times, so tonight, it will be Styles vs. Angle in a "Gold Medal Challenge." Thank you Vince Russo. We now cut to commercials, and I am not creative enough for commercial thoughts. Eat it.

Once we get back, Jeremy Borash (not JB. JB is a dumb name) is with AJ Styles. Borash asked if he wants to "finish off a wounded animal". Styles says that he promised Kurt wouldn't be able to get up at Hard Justice, and he didn't. He talks about Sting and ends it by saying that he'll be going home with Angle's medal tonight. AJ Styles can cut an awesome promo.

Don West hypes a Matt Morgan match that will be taking place soon. I have immense hatred towards both of those men. Is Morgan seriously worth your hype, West? Don't you have some discounted DVDs to sell?

Lauren is in the back with Matt Morgan, who apparently is on a roll. Matt says he will reach his full potential and that he's still waiting to be in a PPV main event. The day Matt Morgan main events a pay per view is the day I stop watching wrestling. That day might be soon. He calls himself The Blueprint again, but what exactly is he a blueprint of? Failure? Yes, I think so. We cut to commercials after that. Hey TNA, your action has not been nonstop. Actually, I'm pretty sure we're 20 minutes in and I've only witnessed about 5 minutes of action.

Matt Morgan vs. Johnny Devine

Johnny Devine doesn't even get an entrance anymore. Once the bell rang, Devine slaps Morgan. Morgan responds by roaring. This rightfully terrified Devine, so he runs out and around the ring with Matt chasing him. Devine goes to the corner and Matt hits a Splash. He misses a Running Boot and gets stuck on the ropes. Devine rushes in and attacks Morgan, but Morgan shoves Devine away and frees himself from the ropes. Morgan roars again. It's no longer terrifying, just incredibly dumb and annoying. Morgan hits a Bicycle Kick and then his finisher...wait for it.... the Hell-e-vator. I'm entirely serious. 

Winner: Matt Morgan

I should mention that during the match, Tenay made constant mention of the "paparazzi cam" that Devine still carries around. Johnny, your gimmick died last year. Why do you still refuse to give it up?

After the bell, Team 3D comes out to attack Morgan. Don West says it's because they recognize Morgan's potential. I say it's because they are just as annoyed as I am with the man. Tenay always gets so excited when this happens, so I will too.. HERE COMES ABYSS~!!!1!!!1! Devine gets a Black Hole Slam and Team 3D manages to escape. A stare down between Abyss and Morgan follows. Morgan extends a hand and Tenay says that the crowd is cheering for Abyss to accept it. I'm not sure what crowd Tenay is listening to. I hear apathy coming from my television. Anyway, Abyss accepts it. Okay, so we have a new tag team? I'm still not interested in you, Matt Morgan. And after the commercial break, we get to see Karen's Angle with The Less Then Beautiful People.

Sky and Love just bitch about how no one wants to be around them. Angelina Love looks like Linda Hogan, that's why. Velvet Sky says she's here to introduce someone that helps take care of them and their looks... Kip James. Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Kip James? My first recap and I'm already considering quitting.

The sister of Gail Kim, Katy Kim, is in attendance tonight. This is obviously some sort of running joke in TNA. Which woman on the roster can have the most ridiculous name? So far in the running: Velvet Sky, Moose Knuckles, SoCalVal, and now, Katy Kim.

Lauren is with Jay Lethal and he is vomiting? Sneezing? I don't know. He cries about not speaking to Val and says she has to choose between him and Sonjay. After commercials, we get the in-ring debut of Sheik Abdul Bashir.

Bashir always gets stuck with the same music. Arabic chanting that transitions into dance music. At least something is consistent in wrestling. He rants and raves in his language. No one can understand you, man. He says that while we all stood by waiting for handouts, the "Middle Eastern Nightmare grabbed the American Dream". He then said he loves raping America. Only in professional wrestling.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Jay Lethal

Jay first hits a bunch of fists, but Bashir is able to kick Jay and hit a few Knife Edge Chops. Lethal sends Bashir to the ropes and hits some sort of Hip Toss/Dropkick combination. Jay Lethal then hits  SUICIDE DIVE on Bashir. Am I the only one who finds that funny? Yes? Alright... Lethal gets Bashir back in the ring and hits the Ax Bomber, which gets a 2 count. Lethal went up to the top rope again, but is pulled off by Bashir, who then hits a couple of Neckbreakers. Jay is able to counter another Neckbreaker into a Backslide attempt. Bashir broke free of it and went back to working on Lethal's neck. Lethal comes back with a Flying Clothesline off the ropes.

Jay Lethal then hits a Roll-Through Suplex which got him a 2 count. Jay starts to attack Bashir in the corner, and once the referee pushes him back, Bashir pulls a spike out of his boot which he uses on Lethal's throat. He places the spike back in his boot and hits his finisher, the WMD, or the Weapon of Mass Destruction. Hey TNA, ever hear of the "terrorist" before?

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir, who needs some hair. Fast. I'd consult Chavo Guerrero on that one.

After the match, Dutt comes to the ring with his decorative tambourine. He hits the Hindu Press on Lethal and rubs his boot on Lethal's neck. We then cut to Jeremy Borash in the back with Booker T and Sharmell. Booker T has gone completely insane since coming to TNA. Booker T cuts a promo, making absolutely no sense, but making it obvious as to whose guitar it was. Something about high company positions and rednecks...

Once back from commercials, a hype package for Sting plays. He walks the path of righteousness, you know. We now get footage of Nash and Sting talking after Hard Justice. You really can't hear a word either of them is saying. Sting says something about running out of patience and running out of time on his biological clock. He also says Nash should check his. Burn. So Sting is going to die soon? Really, that's all you could possibly get out of that "exclusive footage".

Team 3D vs. Kevin Nash and Samoa Joe w/ video game entrance

Devon started off with Joe who ducked a Clothesline and hit a Running Back Elbow and an Enziguri. Devon threw some punches at Joe's neck and tagged in Brother Ray. Team 3D hit a Double Suplex, but Joe is able to get in some fists on Ray and Snap Mare him to the mat. He drops a knee, then tags in Nash. Nash whips Ray into the corner and followed with a Running Clothesline. He gets some knees into Ray's ribs and a few Back Elbows. Ray gets choked with Nash's boot, but Devon interrupts that with an attack on Nash. Eventually, Nash nails a Side Slam on Ray. Commercials.

After commercials, Nash's knee is getting worked on by Ray. Devon gets in and kicks Nash's knee and drops down onto his leg. Ray tags back in and works over Nash's leg some more, eventually locking in a Single Leg Crab. I accidently changed the channel at this point, and once I changed it back, Joe nails an Inverted Atomic Drop on Devon, and a Running Boot. Devon is then hit with a Backsplash Senton, so Ray comes in with a Knife Edge Chop on Joe. Joe avoids a Clothesline from Ray and countered it with a Flying Kick. Nash comes in at this point with a Big Boot on Devon. Ray attacks Joe from behind, leading to an Inverted 3D on Joe, but Joe kicks out before the 3 count. As Ray and Devon prepare for a normal 3D, Nash pulls Ray out of ring, and Joe locks on the Kokina Clutch on Devon while his eyes roll into the back of his head. Is it necessary for Joe's eyes to do so? No. Is it funny? You're Goddamn right it is.

Winners: Kevin Nash and Samoa Joe

Joe snaps after the match and grabs a chair and attempts to kill Devon with it. Why is it always Devon who gets attacked? I'd insinuate it has to do with his skin color, but obviously, TNA never gave us a reason to think so coughSheikAbdulBashircough. Nope. Nash is able to grab the chair away from Joe and Earl Hebner yells at Joe, so he gets attacked too. He then reverses the decision for the match, which angers Joe even more. Tenay calls Joe a bad representation of the company because of his obvious uncontrollable rage issues.

We cut to commercials, but once back, Traci Brooks comes out as the special referee for the next match. Clearly, TNA has nothing for this woman to do anymore.

Christy Hemme vs. Taylor Wilde w/ total indifference from the crowd

Wilde takes control right away with some Arm Drags. After doing some research, I saw that whoissuicide.com message they showed.  This is a pretty cool way to introduce Kaz's new character and to explain the video game. Did I just kill months worth of storylines for you? My bad. Anyway, Wilde hits a Forearm shot. Christy was then sent to the corner, but was able to move out of the way. 

Eventually, Hemme stands on Wilde's hair and pulls her arms, then slams Taylor's face into the mat. Hemme uses her boot to choke Wilde in the corner of the ring, which leads to Traci pulling her off. Wilde regains the advantage with an Arm Drag and some Running Clothesline and then a Suplex for a 2 count. Hemme used one of those Matrix type moves to block a Roundhouse Kick. Hemme slammed Wilde onto the mat by her hair, then hit the Flying Firefox Guillotine. She then missed a second one, so Wilde, using a Bridging German Suplex got the win.

Winner: Taylor Wilde

Awesome Kong makes her way out after. West says that Raisha Saed is saying things behind Kong, but how could you tell? Oh, I got you there West. Traci attacks Kong but gets murdered in the process. Wilde then gets double teamed by Kong and Saed. Where's Abyss to save you now, huh? Saed brings in a chair and places it under Wilde, and here comes Gail Kim who single handedly destroys Kong and Saed, until she's killed by Kong as well. Aw, Katy Kim is quite saddened by this. Kim avoids some chair shots, Dropkicks the chair into Kong's face, and beats her with the chair. Now, why exactly is Wilde your champion when she can hardly take on Christy Hemme?

When we come back from commercials, we get to see Rough Cut with Consequences Creed. He has a big head. I really didn't listen to this interview at all, I just kept looking at his head. After, Tenay says that the segments give you insight into the wrestler's lives. Yeah, that's what interviews usually do.

Lauren is in the back with LAX. She starts off by asking how Homicide is. Hector Guerrero begins to yell in Spanish. Hernandez eventually takes over by saying that when Homicide hurts, he hurts, and when the bottle was smashed in Homicide's eye, it was done to him too. Then he says he's going to go absolutely insane and shoot someone? Sounds about right. Commercials.

Back from the break and we see a video package of Beer Money's history with LAX. I have personal problems with James Storm ever since he unintentionally spit beer all over me last Friday at a house show.

Beer Money is in the back with Lauren. She mentions how Hernandez is (rightfully) upset. Roode brags about it all. Storm then makes some racist jokes. Okay, maybe I lied. Storm entertains me more than he should. I have forgiven him. And for the record, I don't believe in permanent eye damage anymore thanks to wrestling. If you get hit with glass, you bleed, Christian, HBK, Homicide, and Braden Walker. Knock knock. Whose there? Proof that wrestling is fake. (Couldn't. Resist. Urge.)

James Storm w/ Jacqueline and Robert Roode vs. Hernandez w/ Salinas and Hector Guerrero

Hernandez attacks Storm before the bell rings. Once the bell rings, Storm reverses and Irish Whip, but gets flipped over the top rope. Roode gets in the ring and nails Hernandez. Storm gets back in and drops a knee and locks in a Rear Chink Lock, but Hernandez is able to fight out of it. Storm locks on a modified Camel Clutch and taunts the crowd, which allowed Hernandez to hit an Electric Chair onto Storm.

Hernandez hits a few Running Clotheslines, a Back Body Drop, and a Full Nelson German Suplex. Storm is places on the ropes, but Jacqueline distracts Hernandez, which allows Storm to hit a Reverse Spin Tornado DDT. Storm goes for the pin, but only gets a 2 count. A Piledriver attempt by Storm is countered into a Back Body Drop. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss, but Roode interferes to prevent it. Storm comes flying off the topes but ends up getting caught by Hernandez who hits a Powebomb for the wing.

Winner: Hernandez

After the break ended, Cornette comes out to announce some matches. Hernandez wants a match with Roode next week, which he will get. Looks like I've got a reason to live now. Also, Gail Kim vs. Kong in a "Streetfight Match". And the main event for No Surrender will be Samoa Joe in a "4 Ways to Glory Match". That's a Fatal Four-way for those of you not used to complete idiocy. Booker T vs. Rhino next week too.

Here are the rules for the main event, the Gold Medal Challenge:

There are three 2 minute periods. Four points are rewarded for each near fall, 2 points for each takedown. The winner is whoever has the most points in the end, but a 3 count automatically wins the match. "Couldn't this just be a normal match?" I hear you all ask. Of course not! THIS IS TNA!

Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles; Gold Medal Challenge

I should mention that they took all the ring ropes off for the match, and that this is for Angle's gold medal. Also, this is going to be a pain in the ass to recap. Angle gets the first 2 points with a takedown. Angle with another 2 points after another takedown less then a minute in. A minute and a half in and Angle gets yet another 2 points. The first period ends with a score of 6 - 0 in Angle's favor.

Styles grabs 4 points with a near fall 40 seconds in. He then falls out of the ring. Angle gets 2 more points with a takedown. And one nearfall later, and Styles gets another 4 points. The second period ends with a tie of 8 - 8.

In the third period, Angle hits an elbow, which would be considered against the rules, and then gets a takedown for 2 points. Styles flips Angle over but it sends the ref out of the ring, which allows Angle to hit a clothesline. The lights then go out, and God dammit, I am so tired of Sting. Angle has a baseball bat and before he can use it, the lights go out again. AJ now has a guitar and Angle is confused, so he turns around and takes a shot to the head and is busted open. Styles goes for the pin and wins the match and Kurt's medal. This makes AJ extremely happy. Seriously, he looked like he was about to cry.

And that is it for the this week's edition of TNA, and my first recap ever. I'd like to make a promise that never again will one of these recaps ever be so long. But considering how more than half the show was backstage segments, I did really detailed recaps of those. Don't get used to it. Too much effort on my part. Anyway, I really don't have an email address at the moment because Hotmail sucks, so for this week, all feedback can be messaged to my Myspace (www.myspace.com/142765268).

And that does it. I'm Nicole, and assuming that massive amounts of air time for Kip James doesn't kill me, I will see you all next week.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).