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July 31, 2008

by Charley Martin


This is it, my last show. To the people who e-mailed in the past week, thank you for the kind words. It's good to know I wasn't entirely alone in this. And Derek, that line about me having better grammar than Dave Meltzer made my month of June. Of course, if anyone had anything to say about my performance on the forum, I don't know... because the new forum won't let me sign up! >=O

As for why my last edition of lunatical rambling is so late... well, life calls at inopportune times sometimes. Seems fitting, in a way, with the troubles I've had getting it done on time thanks *mostly* to outside forces. Anyway, let's get on with it then. No more talk and no more excuses. I get to call a Gail Kim match as my last fall as TNA iMPACT! recapper to the stars... Road Warrior Hawk and The Fabulous Moolah smile upon me. This is the July 31st, 2008 edition of TNA iMPACT!... LETS MAKE AN iMPACT!

Booker is gonna give Joe a tour of his weapon filled cage match tonight. Begone Borash from the royal lockerroom ye bugeyed little interviewer peasant troll. Booka gets all bugeyed crazy evil sex fiend on Sharmell.

TNA iMPACT! video game opening. Hehehe, that's kinda cool.

Tag Team #1 Contenders Match- Beer Money, Inc w/ Jackie vs. Rhino & Christian Cage w/ video game intros

Rhino outmuscles Roode and he and Cage get a double team. Roode escapes Rhino back in but Storm gets nowhere fast. Cage and Storm jockey for position on the ropes and Cage scores a Cutter. Cage makes Beer Money look silly with his superior maneuverability and ring savvy. Unfortunately for him, Storm spits beer his face and he gets downed on the floor.

Double Suplex from Beer Money to Cage. Tornado DDT from Cage to Roode and the fresh guys come in. Rhino goes apeshit bananas and Cage gets his patented Inverted DDT on someone. Cage goes up but stupidly jumps out onto Brother Ray who is down to cause trouble. Gore makes Storm dead but the ref gets pulled and the pent up in-match run-ins explode like a mighty orgasm of ridonkulousness. Devine runs to get mauled, conveniently leaving a more important player to land an important kendo stick shot later. Devon attacks Rhino but doesn't get too far either. Jackie grabs Rhino's hair but gets dragged down by Cage, who eats cane while Rhino eats 3D while Jackie distracts that incompetent boob Hebner with her much more competent boobs. A pin and that is all.

Winners: Beer Money... and it only took five guys and a woman to get the job done (actually Jackie was way more useful than Devine, though his kendo stick was useful, much like in the elimination table match). These guys are only about 2.5 notches above the Mulkeys on the scale of credibility right now.

Cage demands satisfaction. A New Jersey Streetfight (or as they call it in New Jersey, a Streetfight) for Hard Justice. For some reason Ray looks hesitant about that though nobody else does. Maybe they intend to have him actually take the loss for his team for once or something.

Oh god Rock & Rave trainwreck prematch interview. -25 to IQ... but +5 back to it because Hemme was slightly coherent and gave character development.

Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick, Cam, and ridiculous hat, and The Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. Curry Man w/ different but equally ridiculous hat to Devine, Shark Boy, and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal w/ video game entrance video and So Cal Val

The bad guys attack before the bell while the ref was diverted with something. There must've been a mic nearby because you could here him say “What the hell?” as he turned too late to catch the bad guy bum rush and exasperatedly shouts “Ring the bell”. Wacky back & forth clusterfuckiness to begin. Once it settles down, Rave hits his wicked STO on Curry. Double team elbow drop from the R&RI. Devine hits a couple of running knees, one in the corner, and one that levels the comic relief back towards the middle of the ring. Jay Lethal gets the hottest tag ever and moves at improbable speed bringing the hurt to Devine with all many of awesome possum. Devine Intervention blocked and the quick out of nowhere Lethal Combination gets Jay the win.

Winners: Jay Lethal, Curry Man, and Shark Boy

Lethal brings Val in the ring to ask her to marry him again, but the ring is gone and she doesn't know what happened to it, but Macho Jay thinks it's purposeful and walks out.

Borash and CMT guy jibba-jabba and Super Eric comes in to subtly pimp the Spin Cycle and have brain flash about saving the love of Jay & Val.

Joe is here and pissed.

Video of the Booker/Joe/Sting love triangle... err, world title nonsense.

Big Immobile tries to calm Joe down. Joe says he definitely got hit from behind when the lights went out last week. Kevin mentions the two sides of Sting, and says if they plan to go to war, they have to have a plan, and Joe goes along with it.

Booker video game entrance. The Six Sides of Steel is set up with implements of violence and Booker T is within. Joe is out through the crowd. “Joe's gonna kill you” chant. He says if he gets in the ring he's gonna kick Booker's ass. In the ring he stalks the king and Nash keeps Bookah from escaping. Joe puts the hurt on the King, and Nash kidnaps Sharmell when she tries to make him open up the cage door. Joe is distracted by the and a black bat drops on from the rafters on an extension cord or something. Booker lays out Joe with it and looks skyward, with the slightly deranged look of a man enjoying a slow descent into madness on his face.

Ex-Daivari Shiek Abdul Bashir says the American people fail. Sadly he has a strong point...

Back from da break. AJ is distraught and wants to know the fuck is up with Sting. He gets to the word coward and the lights go out... and when they come back up, Kurt Angle sneaks up behind him and delivers an Olympic Slam... still doesn't sound quite right, y'know? Another one and he puts the bad mouth on AJ demanding he get up for a third one. He drags his sorry ass up and takes one more.

Sharky and Curry are hassling The Slightly Above Average Looking People cuz they think they stole Val's ring. Curry is a pervy pervy guy in a mask with a fake Japanese accent. They finally go, but promise to be back to stomp holes in something or other if they find out the Bitch Brigade has the ring. Curry tries unsuccessfully to get some action one more time on the way out, asking if they want to find out how great he tastes.

Petey talks shit at “Consequences” Creed, does a crappy Ah-nuld impression, and tries to give himself as many nicknames as Triple H. Getting there.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not Hermie Sadler. No sound for this match folks.

Non-Tittle Match- “Consequences” Creed vs. TNA X-Division Champion “Pick a Fucking Nickname Already” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan

Khan stands in at 6'4” tonight. Punch & Shuffle and an almost vertical leaping Crossbody from Creed, who kinda has the whole Rocky thing backwards, but he's good, so whever. Actually, they seem to do that quite a lot in TNA when they rehash storylines. Skewing old stories just enough to change the dynamic so that it only LOOKS like a blatant ripoff. Petey with the Air to Ground Slingshot 'Rana. Lungblower gets a nearfall. Jawbreaker/Spinning Heel Kick combo the Pete One. Kofiquences makes the comeback. That right there is a kick in the face, Petey. TKO from Mr. Puffy Hair gets only two on the filthy Canadian. I am so gonna get my ass kicked if my best friend reads that. Canadians w/ martial arts training FTL! Rhaka distracts and Creed apparently has no issues with *MUCH* taller women. He dodges the Petey charge and Khaaaaaaaaaan! eats it. Creed misses high risk, but the Canadian Destroyer won't work, so Petey tries to get a rollup with it. Creed drops down and locks up the legs for the theoretically improbable (but not really) win.

Winner: Consequences Creed

AJ will be the first in line to meet Sting and demands his match with Angle at Hard Justice be a Last Man Standing Match.

Shark w/ a side of Curry accost LAX over the missing ring (and presumably the shit they stole from Sharky's house when he was in a coma... Continiuity! Or at least a Hidden Highlight, that Sharky would know to look up LAX if something got stolen, after that acid trip-tastic incident). Curry Man tries to place peacemaker bustin' out the ghetto Engrish. And with that last sentence, I can now officially say my career as iMPACT! ranterer-er is complete. It's about to break down when Super E-tard comes back to announce he made a break in the case. I'd like to break a case of expensive baseball cards, personally.

The Hard Justice Card is shaping up. Over half the matches are of the gimmick variety. Ergh, pace yourselves TNA. At least have normal matches on free TV a little more often. Jeez. And shouldn't the face of TNA management have some idea of what the fuck is up with Sting?

Karen's Angle. Kaz part deux. Kaz talks about being a loser and retires. After the show Tomko busts shit up and the big scary tattooed goatman turns the camera away and seems to be intending to make with the (>^(>O.o)>. That's right.

Nash tries to calm his little Samoan buddy Joseph down. Joe is going up to the rafters to take care of shit.

Matt Morgan vs. Sal Rinauro

Rinauro has only one pantleg on his tights and the other one flairs out at the bottom... it's rather gay. For the past three weeks Morgan has faced consecutively LESS imposing oppenents... Both of Rock & Rave back-to-back. Then Kory Chavis, who at least looked like an full-grown adult standing across from Morgan. Rinauro wouldn't look especially impressive next to Brother Runt. I think Matt may have killed him with the Mount Morgan Hellevator. Not a good looking landing for Mr. Gay Pants...

Winner: Guess... this was the least competitive one so far.

Morgan calls out Tomko cuz for bustin' up Karen's show and says Tomko's head is way far up Kurt Angle's ass. Giant speaker of truth. Tomko has video game entrance thing right before he comes out as well. They stare down and talk shit. Well, Morgan talks shit while Tomko stares at him with a look somewhere between “bemusement” and “stoned”. The red shirt (though ironically wearing black) security armada arrives just seconds after they start to brawl, and honestly, six security guys could have done far worse with two guys that imposing. Tomko relaxes and bust free once to rain down some blows. He backs off and out of the ring when Morgan escapes security. He turns to leave but comes back quick and attacks Morgan from behind. However a Mountain Bike Kick shuts him down. Tomko falls to the Mount Morgan Hellevator, which makes DW and Tenay lose their freakin; minds, even though Lance Hoyt Rock is bigger and took it more visually impressively just two or three weeks ago.

This also kills a feud between these two behemoths because they just blew their load on a good two-three month long feud in four minutes. How do you continue it now? Tomko just got killed by the good guy in a matter of minutes. *Edit*... I just read Tomko is on his way out of TNA. Still though, should've kept him long enough to properly put Morgan over instead of blowing the meaningfulness of a big win in the next couple of weeks before his tapings run out.

Super Eric watched last week's episode and saw Sonjay Dutt steal the ring. About time somebody went to the replay for something. Whodda ever thought that the one person smart enough to do that would be Super Eric though? He says they will take care of The Guru and his prematurely thinning hair next week.

Team 3D and Beer Money w/ Jackie celebrate and talk about being scumbags or something and Ray threatens Cage & Rhino with another glass table.

Rough Cuts with Taylor Wilde underdogging it her whole life or something. Bill DeMott speaks on her via the On*Star Hotline. ODB and Love and Jackie and Traci talk about her too.

The Perfectly Acceptably Looking People w/ bag w/ face on it vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal love and TNA Knockouts Champion Taylor Wilde w/ the GOLD

Gail hugs a young Asian woman in the crowd on her way to the ring.

Velvet Sky starts with the champ... uhh, no. Next! Love fairs... maybe worse with the champ. Velvet got a couple cheapshots before getting hopelessly outclassed at least. Gail makes Love look foolish with her superior skills, but going for the Lucha Arm Drag in the enemies corner was... honestly, incredibly stupid. She ends up down in a heap on the outside taking quite possibly the weakest looking kicks ever seen, from Sky. Joe is heading up into the rafters as we hit the break.

Thank god Velvet's offense was during the break. Basement Dropkick from Love and she keeps the offense coming. Love gets her Code Broken (does that work as a sexual metaphor?...) by Gail and she makes the very hot, but for a much different reason than Macho Jay's insane one earlier, tag. The Wilde Thing goes as such, and bridges a suplex for a pair. Everybody is in until Gail gets sent out. The fiendish blond chicks telegraph a double back body or flapjack or something and Taylor tries to sunset flip the less talented of the Not Really Even Close To Beautiful People, who knocks down Love with her arm flailing from trying not to fall, conveniently just in time for Gail to get back in and land a dropkick on Sky to get her to fall for the one... two... three!

Winners: Taylor Wilde and Gail Kim

Attempted post-match beatdownery by the Fugly People fails, but here comes Kong. The Wilde Thing and The Love of My Life attack but... you just shouldn't try to double clothesline The Konger, it just isn't going to work unless you're both Hernandez/Batista-sized, and even then it's only 50-50. One Awesome (... and STILL Better-than-Batista) Bomb for you Gail, and one for DA CHAMP too. FINALLY hobo variant ODB (HobODB coming soon!) and Roxxi with a chair, ward off Queen Kong and her masked cheerleader friend. What took them so long? Were THEY too busy tag-teaming Salinas too? In my dirty dirty mind, that is a big affirmative. Traci Brooks looks on from up by the face vortex, pleased.

Joe is up in the rafters finally (I understand why though... large man + many stairs = slow climb and a level of heavy breathing usually reserved for earth-shatteringly passionate lovemaking) and rather pissed when he finds a bird perched up there... so Sting is actually The Crow for real now? Or was the bird just up there because it got in somehow and decided to make it's home high above the iMPACT! Zone. Ah whatever, both scenarios makes as much sense as anything else going on in the iMPACT! Zone, maybe more. Show's over. Free Agency here I come.

And with that, it is done

I'm off into the setting sun

The fight may never truly end

But my part here is complete

My story will continue though

Elsewhere on the open road

It's been a pleasure to

Try and serve all of you

Even when it wasn't

You may see me again someday

Though the name

May not be the same

See you again stranger

Somewhere down the line

I'll keep goin' on

Trying to make sense of it all

Both the big things and the small

For now I've called my last fall

So this is my curtain call

Take care, much love, end scene, peace, and goodnight y'all

*Bows as the lights go out and the final curtain falls in a nearly empty theatre* I'm Sweet Daddy Charley... and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin


I literally woke up at 7:58pm, yet somehow managed to get my computer started, the Open Office document opened, my TV turned on and switched over from smooth jazz to Spike by 8:00 and managed to not miss any of the show. Holy shit. Next week will be my last on this beat, and while it's been up & down, and I didn't quite make it a year, I'm better off than I was before I started because of this anonymous, only once feedback'd recap of totally nonsensical ass-backwardsly booked but exceptionally wrestled, uhh, wrestling. TNA went from one hour to two, crossed the line from we are wrestling, made Somoa Joe World Heavyweight Champion of the World, and was just generally was bat shit crazy on my watch. Good luck future replacement, you sir (or madam) will most certainly need it. Enough verbal Pyro & Ballyhoo, let's make an iMPACT! Woo!

“Now You See Him, Now You Don't” is tonight's retardedly helpful episode title.

Joe in a suit comes through the crowd, and Nash comes down the aisle. The Six Sides of Steel are set up, and they enter. Joe asks Booker why don't we throw out the refs and the rules and have the title match in the cage. Booker and Sharmell are out now, in nightgowns... uhh, okay. Booker is angry about getting disturbed and says last week's actions by Joe were those of a desperate man. But Booker wants to raise the stakes with common household items as weapons. He goes to get a contract written up and asks Joe if he'll be man enough to sign it.

Awesome Sting video. In the back AJ keeps the faith in Sting, but the wiley vets, who's first major appearances on TV were only shortly before AJ debuted in the original WCW (cuz lets face it, TNA IS WCW 2.0) in 2000, and who combine to only equal the number of AJ's World Heavyweight Title reigns, give him a stern talking to. Russo: LOL what's a continuity?

Jimmy Rave (w/ Hemme & Rock) vs. Consequences Creed w/ American Flag vs. Johnny Devine w/ Singapore Cane, cam, and hat that makes him look kinda like a high rent Miz vs. Eric Young w/ getting

Fuckin dammit! I woke up literally two minutes before tonight's show started, and I've got to do an opening X-Division Fatal Four-Way. Why couldn't I have at least gotten Nash, Black Reign, Iron Shiek, and Great Khali or something? Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Oh, the match. Do I have to? Fine. Uhh, lets see, lots of fast moves and a face flipping out of the ring onto someone(s). That good enough for the first ¾+ of the match? The only special thing was Big Bi-Curious (sorry, it's the tramp stamp) Lance getting CreedDT'd. Now the fun part. Rave hits The Move With a Name that's Entirely too Long on Creed (ooh, bad landing... Creed would be unconscious if not for the afro cushioning his landing a bit), but not super Eric makes the save. He DVD's Rave, but the other bad saves. Devine Intervention on EY, but Creed is miraculously still in this thing and makes the save. Way slowed down punches and splits and knockout punch from Consequences. Both guys finishers get countered and Creed gets a FTW!

Winner: Consequences Creed... so he did get momentum from getting squashed in last week's main event.

Devine and the Infection gang up on Creed, but Abyss is out for the save before Devine can hit the chairshot. Rave attempting to crossbody the big

Borash in the back with the Angle Alliance. They make him lay on a table while they talk. Kinky.

Kaz video of all his failures in the last few months. Kaz talks about his career on Karen's Angle.

Taylor Wilde is in the back stretching 

 Thank you.

Matt Morgan vs. Kory Chavis

Chavis of all people talks shit (other appearances on iMPACT! were getting beaten in a minute-thirty by Judas Messyass and getting bloodied by Kurt Angle in his MMA sparring in preperation for Joe) and gets flung around the ring. Jobber slaughter. Legdrop on the apron and a running kick in the head. Chavis fights back with a rake to the eyes and a couple of punches, but runs into the Mountain Bike Kick. The newly and worsely named Hellevator (Mount Morgan Drop) finishes it right quick.

Winner: Kory Chavis... yeah, no. He got beat down worse than some of the jobbers on NWA World Championship Wrestling back in the mid-1980s. Matt Morgan

The MCMG cut the promo of their lives. Sabin says Beer Money is just a chubby cowboy and whatever he called Roode. The would both nail Jackie though, but not in front of anyone. On a marginally related note, I would also nail the Jackie I know. Just sayin'. A couple more disses and Shelley removes the badass mask speaks. He says Detroit isn't just the cars, and the Motor in their names is interchangeable with Murder, because Detroit has the highest murder rate of anywhere. They are Detroit born & bred, rough & tough like the city, and they are the best tag team today. Bad... ass.

Prince Justice Brotherhood (Super E-tard and CurryShark) come up with a catchphrase. Curry Man speaks English now, with a fairly heavy Japanese accent and swapping of L's and R's. Shark Boy wants the catchphrase to be marketable. Eric in a mask and ridiculous a attempt at a heroic deep comes up with... “We come in peace, they leave in pieces”. Where my “That was awesome!” chant? That's hardcore.

Strap Match- Beer Money Inc. w/ Jackie vs. The Motor City Machine Guns w/ masks... after the break!

... When did beer money become color coordinated? It's all Guns for the first several minutes. Racking by the Guns and double teams and another racking, not to mention outside the ring beatdown as well (good gravy I'm doing a shitty job this week). All Guns until Jackie interferes physically, crotching Shelley up top. The bad guys take over for awhile. Until they both ascend to the second rope and leap off into Manhattan Drops. Ten turnbuckle shots for each heel (well, 9... three top, three middle, three bottom, and the last one was into the mat). They run around the bad guys to tie them up and kick the stuffin' out of them. Old school double-teaming such as running the heels into each other and whatnot culminating in the greatest old school double team of them all, the Rowboat. Jackie tries to break it, but gets caught in the middle. Heh, guess that nailing Jackie business was foreshadowing. Jackie gives one of the bad guys handcuffs, and Sabin gets leveled with them to... oh my god, give Beer Money the win?! Hell might be a little chilly tonight.

Winners: Beer Money? Seriously? The streak is broken? For real? Holy shit!

Beatdown and whipping of the fallen Guns. LAX make the save... well run Beer Money off anyway. Late again. Winner: Double-Teaming Salinas (Soon to be available on DVD from TNA! I hope. Salinas porn... *drools*)

Sky and The Wilde Thing is next.

Ike Taylor and James Farrior of the Steelers in the iMPACT! zONE!

TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde ©

Rollup at the bell and Wilde gets the win in five seconds.

Winner: Taylor Wilde

Sky bitches and gets a rematch.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde ©

Which she loses in another 20 seconds. Robert Roode and Orlando Jordan must be proud.

Winner: Taylor Wilde

TNA Knockouts Cham... oh fuck it.

Ground Hog Day in the iMPACT! ZONE!... take three!

Octopus hold w/ arm bite! Sky's one move of doom!

Winner: by DQ...

Love hits her Mesias-approved finisher on da champ. The Bitch Brigade bags her and GDB (Gail Kim and ODB) come out to save the day. ODB is eating a turkey. COMEDY~! Sky gets a face full of turkey leg and Kim handles her less skilled nemesis. They help the kid up after they've run Villainy and Vanity off.

Daivari gets a name change and a coming soon video. Shiek Abdul Bashir is his new name of ridonkulousness.

“The Guru” Sonjay Dutt is in the hospital with a severe case of Segment Stupidity, along with a small outbreak of Guru-ites, and a touch of dippy redhead. At least Val had the excuse of hating extreme violence for not watching the replay. Guru had a ring in his bedpan. I don't give a flying fuck.

6-Man Elimination Table Match- Team 3D and Kurt Angle vs. Rhino, Christian Cage, and AJ Styles

The good guys take the fight to Angle and 3D. Cage and Angle fight back & forth in the ring, Devon and Rhino fight in the crowd. In the go AJ & Ray as Kurt & Cage go to the floor. Back in with Double Suplex by AJ & Christian on Kurt. Ray and Devon take back over and hit a 3D-B on Rhino. Rhino saves AJ's bacon by knocking the table out of his way when Kurt Back Body Drops him. Devon gets eliminated by Cage & Rhino with a double Flapjack. Cage is. Rhino eliminated himself during the break when Ray pulled out of the way of Rhino's super finisher, Gore Through Table Set Up in a Corner. Cage drops Angle, but Devon interferes and Cage gets 3D'd off the second rope and through a table behind Hebtard's back. The numbers game doesn't keep Styles down for long and he comes back with a Flying Double Clothesline. Johnny Devine tries to interfere, but AJ ducks and Ray eats a face full of powder(ed sugar?). Devine gets Powerbombed through a table by the blinded fat man. AJ kicks him outside and he conveniently gets back up on the apron where a table is right behind him. Hmm... sometimes I wonder about the legitimacy of this sport. Angle charges AJ, but misses and runs into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Flippy Dippy DDT from AJ to Kurt and Angle is set up for the fall, but Kurt Clone hits him in the back with Devine's Kendo Stick.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Booker is back out with Sharmell and the contract. Joe is out with Kevin Nash. Both guys agree to send their women to the back and snipe at each other the whole time. After they gone, Booker signs the contract and gives it to Joe. Suddenly the lights go out and Sting's music plays. When the lights come back on... Joe is down and Booker is holding a black bat and staring up into the rafters all surreal like. Drama Llama! I'm hoping for a return of nWo Sting.

That's all you get this week. Nuffin' else to say really. Go get laid or drink some tea or something. Next week is my last. Nobody has stepped up to fill my roll as far as I know. The only person that has ever given me feedback on my recaps, Derek of 10th Hour  fame (ironically not a top ten list this week) on 411mania.com, actually wants to do some work here for THE FAN. Dunno what he wants to do, he didn't have a specific thing in mind (just doesn't want this job... smart man) but maybe you'll see him here at some point. He wants me to come to 411mania and work in the games section also, so maybe you'll see The Sweet One over there someday as well. Til' the crossroads indeed, my friend... Oh great, he didn't even do his normal sendoff this week either. Oh well, check out the link anyway. He's got mad writing skillz, an awesome banner, and an even awesomer picture at the end of the column. Dude's legit. Enjoy, and tell him The Sweet One sent ya. ;D

Until we meet again one last time (for now), I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin


Hello and welcome. I completely forgot to send my first chibi along with last week's recap, so it'll show uphere this week. God knows how many hours the fucking thing took, so nobody better fucking complain that I didn't color it. I think itturned out okay though. So without further ado... let's make an Impact! Umm, it's 8:06... oops.

We pick it up with Booker T in a fur coat that makes him look like a caveman, and Samoa Joe in a nice suit, standing nose to nose. So weird, I don't know how to explain. You just have to see it for yourself. Boker keeps saying Joe can’t beat him and offers Joe the belt back. Joe says he can hang onto itand doesn't take handouts from (CM) punks. Joe talks shit and you either can't see Booker, or he's all up in Joe's head. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

To the back, Lauren makes fun of Beer Money’s misfortune. Roode bitches about getting their asses whipped by the fans, so they're gonna take it out on the fans. It's not funny, it's money... Beer Money. Hahaha. They kidnap Lauren cuz Borash isn't available or something and go out to whip some bitches.

Kaz is self-loathing and emo about losing the X-Cup and letting everyone down. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, does he go into it or is it a freight train coming at him? Ooh, ominous.

TNA X-Division Title Match- Loser Kaz vs. Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan w/ licking herself?

Why with the hand-licking? Does she have BBQ sauce on her hands or something?

Countering goodness until Kaz goes kick, kick, Spinning Heel Kick. Petey sends Kaz out with a HARD Irish Whip. Slingshot Headscissors to Kaz on the floor. More Rhaka licking JR's BBQ sauce off her hands. Either that or she is part cat. 6'4” muscular cat girls FTW~? Counters galore, including a sweet cartwheel out of a Wave of the Future try. Kaz slingshots Petey back in... into a Cutter!! That gets a close two. Kaz counters the Destroyer into that nifty as shit Piledriver variation. Petey kicks out of the Wave of the Future? When people regularly kick out of both your regular AND super finishers, it is time to go back to the drawing board. Even The Miz' stupid shitty finisher has a better success rate. Kaz kicks Petey's face off, but Flux Capacitor tonight. No Sunset Powerbomb either. Just rollups until Petey gets ahold of the tights long enough to get three. Kaz is...dejected. Hmm... I think I messed up somewhere on this match. Something is definitely out of order, but I can't quite place it...

Winner: Petey Williams

Eric Young is being retarded again. Some brotherhood of justice meeting or something. He says he'll tell Borash about it, but he can't tell anyone... wow, so much stupid. Eric says if Borash tells anyone anything, then he'll kill him. To my future replacement, a word of advice... listening to Eric Young kills brain cells.

Joe is in the back and Nash comes in to apologize about saying Booker couldn't beat Joe and it was only intended to be motivational and says he beat Booker at the pay-per-view, but Joe is all doubting himself. There is a tambourine on the bookcase. Sonjay wuz here.

Beer money is whipping the shit out the production staff. Hmm... technical difficulties much? So was this commercial here planned?

To the back because apparently Sting is here... Is a super-stretch limo really Sting's style? Really? Kurt and Team 3D come out in Sting masks and trench-coats. Borash is perplexed. Fortunately stupidity is afoot nearby. Super Eric lives! Great... just great. He's in a dark corner with Curry Man and SharkBoy to have a meeting as to how to get rid of the evil in TNA. I guess Curry Shark are there because they have masks or something. When Eric leaves to drain his super hero gun (best analogy for taking a piss ever, btw), Beer Money jumps Curry and Sharky, no doubt leading to a match next week where Beer Money keeps the record flawless, as they have yet to win a match together since waaaay before they became a permanent team (I believe the last time they won was against Eric Young and either Sonjay Dutt or Petey Williams MANY moons ago, and still weren't really even a recognized team while Booker and Sting were pelting them with berries, especially Sting to Storm, so yeah, it's been a while), despite being the top challengers to the tag titles.

Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. Matt Morgan

Jimmy loves you, Baltimore. Use protection. Rave tries to do something but gets leveled with the Mountain Bike Kick, squished in the corner and Mount Morgan Dropped. Goodnight. Sometime in the match Hemme ran to the back.

Winner: Matt Morgan

Hemme brings back Lance Hoyt who theysay is now going by the name of Lance Rock. He talks for a few seconds and we have anuddah match.

Lance Hoyt... err Rock vs. Matt Morgan

Lancelot gets caught and Fallaway Slammed off a crossbody attempt, but fights back for a bit, knocking Matt down a couple times after he raked the eyes to escape an F-5attempt, while Hemme distracted. It doesn't last long though. The Mountain Bike Kick finds it's mark, and Mount Morgan Drop folds...Lance... up... GoodnightBaltimore. Hemme is displeased.

Winner: Matt Morgan, with authority.

Cornette is in the middle of angry, andin one possible case drunken, mob of loudly arguing Knockouts. Mother hen Traci finally shuts everyone up. Kong has been dethroned and everyone wants a piece of Taylor's ass (not unlike the Taylor Iknow, except they want to pin her for an entirely different reason...), but only one will get it next week. And to decide whothat will be, we will have a Knockouts Gauntlet Match (Royal Rumble Timed Entrances-Style Battle Royal and when it gets to the last twoit's becomes a regular match decided by pinfall or submission)

Karen's Angle... coming next week. Soooooooo glad my run is almost over...

Here comes Kurt Stingle, and Sting 3D.

Back and here is the Angle unofficial Alliance. Kurt is here to welcome Sting into their fraternity cuz he's a bad guy now and he knows this because he talked to him yesterday.

AJ and Caged-Rhino are here and AJ trusts Sting's judgment and man is he struggling something fierce on the stick tonight. Ray stops him and thinks they want a rematch so he says Tables Match at whatever the next pay-per-view is.  But Cage is on the stick now and calls Ray Silent Bob. I see no need to insult Silent Bob like that, but whatever. He says next week we're gonna have a6-Man Elimination Tables Match. Rhino... get the tables!

Ten Woman Knockout Gauntlet Match- Gail and Jackie start it out. Gail gets rolling after some back &forth, but as time winds down Jackie busts out the moveset and catches GK in the Gogoplata! The JACKIETAKAHHHHHH! Love is in next shoves Jackie off of Gail in the corner and lays in her own beatdown. Jackie is all like no you di'int, and they get into a shoving match until Kim double clotheslines them down. Here comes Salinas laying in the forearms and a weird DDT thing. Sky comes out next and saves Loves bacon. Haha, mental image of Love wolfing down three pounds of bacon FTW. The slightly above average looking people beat Salinas down. Here's Roxxi to bring the pain and whatnot. Salinas gets a nifty counter out of the Voodoo Drop, but gets flipped by TBP and here comes Rhaka at right about the same time. She hits astanding Ax-like Kick on Roxxi, cuz she's like 6'7”, so she doesn't have to leave her feet. Here's Ms. Indecent Proposal Traci. She faceplants Khaaaaaaan from the second rope after fighting off her chokings. Here comes Christy Hemme, a crotch... EN FUEGO~! Somebody had to say it. ODB is last to enter and stares down and starts totrade forearms with 6'11” Rhaka Gigante.

During the break three went out. Hemme, Traci, and 7'4” Rhaka. Okay okay, I'm done. So is she. The last bunch go out pretty quickly until it's down to the Decent Looking People and Gail. The numbers game works reasonably well until Gail ducks out of a Love Bicycle Kick that catches all of Velvy-welvy. Gail and Love end up on the apron, where GK eliminates Love, but back in she is distracted by jawing with Love long enough for Sky to pick up the W with a quick rollup.

Winner: Velvet Sky

New champ The Wilde Thing certainly hasher work cut out for her to drag a passable match out of Velvy, who has yet to look competent beyond the occasional submission moves.

Booker is back in his pimped out locker room talking to Borash and going through a book with pictures of everyone on the roster apparently (where can I get this book?), and chooses to take on Consequences Creed, recognizing the name Creed from the Rocky movies, and calls for an ambulance, because it's gonna be a STRETCHER MATCH~!

Lethal is at his Macho Man best, and Val is all like Sonjay has feelings too, which is just... wow.

Let's Push Forward Lethal/Sonjay Feud With a Pointless Three-Way Match, Match- Johnny “TNA Miz” Devine w/ kendo stick and cam w/ low battery vs. “E-Tard” Eric Young vs.“The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Pyro- 208; Eric Young- 0... Devine laughs his ass off.

Don West tells us what he thinks of women and their annoying emotions. Should've put up a disclaimer that Don West views don't represent TNA or Spike... but then Irealized this is Spike, so they might've told him to say it. No man on woman violence, unless it's a verbal beatdown. But Val is just being ri-doc-ulous, that can't be denied. Enough useless filler? Good. Some chicanery between Sonjay and Devine trying to get sneaky on each other after they took care of E-tard for a bit. Sonjay gets sent out while Devine lays in a whoopin' on EY until he finally gets around to fighting back. He hits the DVD on Devine but gets chop-blocked by Sonjay for a quick pin. Now we get to the whole point of the last couple minutes.

Winner: “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Machismo is out and goes ape-shit on

Dutt until Devine gets helps out Dutt. But Macho Jay just steamrolls them and continues violently beating on Guru ignoring Val's pleas tostop when she comes out. Jay has a chair but Val takes it away. As she walks away Guru takes the chair and nails the ringpost, tosses Machismo the chair and hits the deck ala Eddie Guerrero. I would've liked to here the Spanish commentary on that. Anyone know if Hector acknowledged it? Anyway, Val bought the shit out of Guru's deviousness despite a pretty bad acting job and calls Jay an animal and runs away crying. Show her the tape, Jay! For the love of all that's holy and the last few brain-cells that Eric Young talking didn't kill, show her the tape!

Here come Beer Money. They look for someone to whip in the crowd and find a guy wearing an LAX shirt andlay the straps to him. The refs get strapped when they come out. Scott D'Amore and Pat Kenney come out to try and get them to stop and you know how that goes. The last image we'll have of D'amore in TNAfor the foreseeable future is of him being chased away with his pantsfalling down and blurred out asscrack. Fuck you, TNA! Beer Money chases them up around the Spanish announce table and see Hector. Hector is ready for action, and by action, I mean getting the shit strapped out of him. They finally get him to the ring, cuff him to a turnbuckle and whip the shit out of him there for awhile too before Homicide, Hernandez & Salinas can get there to make the save. Can Homicide and Hernandez ever get to the ring in a reasonable amount of time. What, were they too busy “tag-teaming” Salinas?

Angle's unofficial Alliance talks shit, and Kurt tells Tomko to crash the premiere of Karen's talky bit next week.

Consequences Creed is giddy over his shot tonight. And hey, he's definitely rockin' the Apollo Creed red, white, & blue. What an incredible, almost impossible, incredibly unlikely coincidence!

Stretcher Match- Not really WorldHeavyweight Champion Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Consequences Creed w/ awesome entrance music

Booker uses his size and experience and works puffy hair over with hard shots in the corner and across to another. Consequences fights back and hits a Rolling Clothesline and Crossbody. Booker rolls out, dazed, and we roll into the commercial, also dazed.

Back and Creed starts his punch combo, but Booker Roundhouses him into the next county. Booker continues the beatdown and hits a Superkick and the Ax Kick. All Book's shots have more than a little extra something tonight. He drags the kid outside and slams him into stuff until he's too out of it to get off the stretcher. The camera shot from above looking down at Creed is brilliant and shows the kid looking so messed up you know he won't begetting up from this beating. The EMTs roll him out to the ambulance followed by Booker and the bell rings.

Winner: Booker T

Book lays in a few more shots to the prone kid and Sharmell opens the back of the ambulance, only toscream in horror when Samoa Joe pops out. He punches Booker a couple of times and throws him in the back. That's it? Just a couple of punches? Weak sauce dude. Sharmell goes to hit Joe but he catches her and grabs away... the black baseball bat. OOOooooOOOOOOooomysterious. She runs away when he screams where did you get this.

See You, Space Cowboy.

Only two more weeks and I can blow this popsicle stand. But I've got more pressing things on my mind, quite honestly, so the snuff might not be up this week.


by Charley Martin


The Sweet One returns. Did anyone even notice I was gone? Three more weeks and someone else gets to handle this mess called TNA iMPACT!. Get your submissions sent in ASAP if you want my job.

Beer Money/LAX video. “Victory Road Drive-By” is the stupid titale of tonight's episode.

Homicide and Robert Roode start us up with a parking lot brawl. Punchfest 2008 and Homicide beats down Roode on the hood of a vehicle. Homicide scores with a trashcan, but he takes too long to press the attack and gets kicked down. Back & forth we go with lots of slamming each other into stuff and a few weapons. Homicide attempts to live up to his name and tries for the Gringo Killer in the parking lot. Jackie quite possibly literally saves Roode's life by breaking that up. A masked guy fitting the description of James Storm attacks Attempted Murder (had to downgrade Homicide for not getting the job done). 3-on-1 beatery continues on the Attempted Murder and they handcuff him. Might just be a natural reaction to his name. I dunno. Storm does reveal himself to be the attacker and damn but he pulls off the LAX-esque style worse than old man Sting. They drag Attempted Murder into the building and down to the ring. Belt whipping's ensue until Hernandez comes out and cleans house like a violent maid. They are usually Hispanic in the movies. Pity thou for not having the photoshopping skillz to put Hernandez in maid attire. What were we talking about? I dunno, but Sting is up in the rafters for... some reason?

X-Cup video and Mexico leads with tres points.

World X-Cup match- Team Japan's Masato Yoshino vs. Team International's Doug Williams

Doug E. Pale uses his strength as Tenay talks about his credentials and whatnot. 35 year's old? No shit? Yoshino makes with the really fucking fast for a short offensive outburst. Hmm... like turrets. He rins into a knee and gets Springboard kneedrop. The always underutilised Gutwrench suplex by Williams. Yoshino fights back and hits a HUUUUGE Missile Dropkick that gets two. Williams crotches Yoshino and scores a Super Double Underhook Suplex. Rollup into a sick Bridging German Suplex for the win and two points that get Team International on the board. Wikipedia calls this the Chaos Theory.

Winner: Doug Williams

Angle bitches out Sky Lovin' and they give JB a boner and bag him for it. -20 to IQ.

Earlier today Sonjay was teaching a class or something and Machismo came running and beat the shit out him until the kids stepped between them. LAME!

Tenay and West finally get around to running down the rest of tonight's card. Taylor talks & is nervous & shit. I wasn't really... remotely impressed the first time she fought Kong. I was just wondering why she was the one they chose to do this with. Lets see if the second time around is better than the first.

Rough Cut: Matt Morgan Edition 

Doing it how he wants to do it. Cornette says he is on the right track. Angle says he can be a main event attraction that doesn't need a belt. You're probably not going to be walking wrestling by then Kurt, so what are you so concerned about him carrying the belt for?

Falls Count Anywhere 6 Random Man Lets Get Matt Morgan Over (Future Me: Or not...) Match- Kip James, TNA X-Division Champion Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan, and Tomko vs. BG James, Eric Young, and Matt Morgan

Tomko beats the shit out of BG outside while Kip gets murderized inside by Morgan. Tomko and Petey don't get very far on Tomko outside. EY and Petey go into the crowd. BG beats up Kip goes into the crowd and saves EY soon after. Rocker Dropper on the ramp from Kip to BG. Morgan saves. I can't keep up wit' dis shit. Somehow we end up with a suicide dive try by EY, but Tomko has the lead pipe and catches not so super Eric in the throat on said dive. Ring to floor Slingshot 'Rana from Petey to Young and the team of Petey, Tomko, and Kip “Why Are You Even Here? Go Away!” James get the winner's share of the purse.

Winners: Petey Williams, Tomko, & Kip James

The villains look to continue the beatdown, but Abyss returns to make the save. After the house is cleaned he picks up the pipe, but tosses it away, unnerved by it. Teh germs! What the hell? This match didn't make a lick of sense... And it looks like Abyss is getting even more fucked up...

Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome Kong

At least Tay's got some pretty decent music.

Kong starts strong and fast but Tay fires back and pounds the shit outta The Konger, but gets shoved away. Tay hits a jumpy kick thing. Saeed interferes and Roxxi comes out... for some reason. I guess to watch Taylor's back, but why?! Is she getting a few thousand dollars of the $25,000 if The Wilde Thing wins? Is that money in the briefcase even real? Kinda looks like the M. Bison money from the live action Street Fighter movie.

Back to Kong mauling Taylor. Stop saying yes, Tenay, you fucking nincompoop. Kong smashes Tay in the corner. Ouch... Can you say squish? Body slam but Kong misses the second rope splash. Dropkicks from Tay-Tay. Missile Dropkick! Wow, that caught Kong right in the face... Kong isn't out of it yet though. Don't even bother trying kick out Kong's legs. Taylor the plucky floats over the Awesome Bomb attempt into an as if Sunset Flip. She moves out of the way of the butt drop and Kong's butt meets canvas. Basement dropkick from Spunky T. Tay tries for a... German Suplex?! Ahahahahahahano. Kong scores a HUGE Implant Buster but only gets two. She can't believe it. Taylor gets caught in the combo leading up to the Spinning Back Fist but gets the rollup... for the win?? Yippee skippy. The match was much better this time though. Roxxi plays no role.

Winner: and NEW TNA Knockouts Champion... Taylor Wilde. W00t?

Team TNA Captain Kaz says stuff. Tonight, it's about pride.

X-Cup Match- Team Mexico's Ultimo Guerrero vs. Team TNA's Kaz

Ultimo and Kaz go back & forth but Kaz gets a couple armdrags. Super Front Suplex by Ultimo, who is no small man. His Wikipedia page says 5'8”/210... liar! If Kaz is the same 6'0”/220 (his Wiki page has him billed at 6'1”/225, btw) the Tale of the Tape from his first WHC match with Angle billed him at, then Ultimo G is at least 5'10”/235. Something(s) is amiss somewhere. Just sayin'. Team TNA is on the ramp cheering their captain on. Super Inverted Suplex gets another near fall. Single Leg Dropkick gets Kaz back into it. Kick combo gets Kaz two. Kaz blows a springboard and hurts himself, but he's not out. Somehow they end up up top and Kaz can't get a Flux Capacitor, but tries a Frankensteiner. Ultimo won't go and brings him back up for a Super Powerbomb but still can't get a three count. Kaz gets the pin from a Wave of the Footure off a missed moonsault. An ugly one at that. No Lanny Poffo here. Game Set!

Winner: Kaz

AJ, Gail, & ODB speak. AJ says tonight is about the ladies. Gail will deliver a wrestling lesson Love won't soon forget. ODB wants to give someone a facial. What else is new?

Victory Road card gets the rundown. Cornette is out and gives Kong her rematch against The Wilde Thing at the PPV.

Joe/T vid with a faaaaaaaar too generous helping of Nash on the side. Here's the King for his public apology. Booker is one sharp dressed man. He calls out Joe and even though nobody seems to know wtf Booker's deal is tonight, Joe's music kicks in immediately and Joe is out immediately.

Booker says he respects Joe and wants to apologize for his past actions and apologizes what's going to happen in Houston. He says Big Immobile is right about Joe not being able to beat him. He calls Joe a paper champ. He asks who Joe has beaten and says he has beaten Rick Martel, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Chris Jericho. I dunno if Joe can match that list, but I think he could put together a pretty damn decent list. He says it's just business, and they shake hands... but Joe brings him back and says says Booker is gonna be sorry the name Joe ever crossed his lips. Sting is out of the rafters and hits the ring. He says he'll be at Victory Road. Booker thinks Sting wants the winner, but Sting just says those are Booker's words and not his. Then he leaves. That's it?

Kim & Love speak on each other. Sometime in the past few minutes Kurt bitched out Angie and Velvy again cuz they were tanning instead of getting ready. I should really pay more attention and at least mark my place. Maybe next time, but probably not. :/

Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Kurt Angle w/ duct tape and paper clips holding his body together vs. ODB, Gail Kim, and AJ Styles

ODB absorb a couple Love-ly forearms and hits a Short Arm Clothesline. Shades of Jake Roberts! And the way she drinks... her liver is probably a similar shade of Jake's too? Shut up, you would've gone there too. Fallaway Slam! Love tags out to Sky who runs right into a drop toe hold. Dumb blonde. She does get a couple shots in before eating a rather swank flying corner clothesline from the Gail. Lucha Armdrag! Kurt is in and so is AJ. Knee Drop by AJ and that wicked Dropkick of his. Here comes Trigg. Here comes Karen. Here comes commercials. Here comes trouble.

Back and Kurt is on O. Body Scissors and chinlock by Kurt. AJ got whooped upon during the commercial. Both men go down and fight their way back up. European Uppercut from Kurt and a discus clothesline from AJ. Backbody out of the Styles Clash try. Pele! Somewhat subdued reaction from DW tonight. Must be nursing a hangover or something. Double Clothesline and both guys are back diwn again. All fiur Knockouts are in and in the chaos there is no Happy Ending for Sky when Kim hits her with the Straight Jacket Neckbreaker. Game Set!

Winners: Gail Kim, Oddibe, and AJ Styles

Post Match Shenanigans! The bad guys attack in unison. ODB is down & out onto the floor. Love & Sky bag GK, and Kurt is about to hurt AJ real bad until Karen blows him low... uhh, yeah. Kurtle gets set up for the clash, but Trigg puts an end to that. Angle Locks the Ankle but I require a sample. Almost every show for the last two months has ended with AJ in an Ankle Lock. How can he even be able to walk after being Ankle Lock'd so frequently and for extended periods. That's supposed to be a seriously damaging hold. Is AJ building up an immunity? Is he like a mad genius or something, purposely getting trapped so that when the last epic one-on-one showdown is in it's closing moments, he can withstand move and pull out the shocking victory from seemingly nowhere (PELE~!1111)? He wasn't selling it quite like death this week. Charley wonders...

One last, final last hard sell for Victory Road! Looks good, but I smell more than one bullshitty finish.

Not too bad at all tonight. Maybe not spectacular, but pretty solid go home show.

Get those sample recap submissions in to the contact address below if you want to be the next recapper to not be paid for spending upwards of six hours (as much as 10 if you are as slow and unfocused as me) recapping a psychotically random wrestling show. It's... better than it sounds? A little. :P


by Charley Martin

Hello anybody, and welcome to my atrociously bad recap of TNA iMPACT!. I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and I will be stepping down from my post as TNA iMPACT! recapper in 4-5 weeks. I've been doing an admittedly pretty shitty job lately, forgetting important details and whatnot. I guess I'm just not as into it doing a recap as I used to be, and it is starting to show in the lack of quality. I kinda just want to be able to watch the show without having to worry about writing what's happening again. I'll probably still show up here every once in a while in a replacement role or to do a random special, but my time as a regular is coming to an end. That all said, the last few weeks should be fun and relaxed, if not the highest of quality. Starting next week, those long ago mentioned crappily drawn chibis will start showing up at the end of the recaps, and a new friend of mine is lined up as a special guest to chime in with comments via instant messenger any weeks he so wishes.

At any rate, send your sample recaps to the address at the end of my recaps if you want to be my successor. Hey, why are you running away? Come back!! Grrr... Lets make an iMPACT!...

Tonight's show is dedicated to the memory of Kevin “Angus” Sinex. That is the guy that fell from a scaffold and died just after Slammiversery went off the air.

Tonight's stupid episode title is mildly disturbing; “I Put A Hit Out On My Wife”.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Curtain Jerker Match- Kaz vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Samoa Joe

Kaz starts strong and doesn't fall for the walking away from the blind leap bit and sweeps the legs. Standoff. Crowd is hawter than normal. Like on the live episode. Joe with an enzuigiri and back & forth we go. Swinging Neckbreaker from Kaz. Hmm... almost missed it. Sweaty Joe. Kaz continues to take it to Joe but can't score the Wave of the Stupidly Named Finisher that Only Finishes About Half the Time, and takes that Snap Powerslam. Powerbomb for a near fall by Joe. Kaz makes his comeback, complete with single leg dropkick, but gets Pele'd without the full flip when he goes up top. Kaz escapes the Muscle Buster try and gets a very near fall on uhh... *something*. Looked cool, but dunno the name. Sowee. Joe is dazed but blocks the DDT and sets Kaz up top and scores the muscle buster and that is all she wrote.

Winner: and STILL (as if you thought Kaz was going to win) TNA Heavyweight Champion of the World... SAMOA JOE!

Booker T comes out to confront the champ as we hit the break.

Back and Booker says Joe just beat Kaz, whoopty doo. Booker is a burying machine. Even Triple H is impressed probably. He says he had Joe beat till Nash screwed him over. Booker tells Joe to explain what the hell's up wit dat. Can Joe look him in the eyes and say he beat him fair & square. As I understand, despite the boos and “you suck” chant he finally is getting, Booker's points here are pretty valid.

Kurt bitches out Lauren and put a hit out on Karen with the Knockouts. Blah blah blah. Blah? Blah. He's angry Kurt tonight at least.

Daivari is the captain of Team International. He cuts what is I assume a pretty good promo in some moon man language, mentioning his Team International mates and stuff, but the subtitles were all out of sync, so I dunno.

Saeed says next week blood will be shed.

World X Cup Preview Match- Team Japan's Masato Yoshino and Naroki Doi (Speed Muscle) vs. Team TNA's Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley (Motor City Machine Guns)

I know very little about Yoshino & Doi, except they are probably even fastester(!) than the MCMG. I think I'm going to cry... And apologies up front because I'll probably get their names wrong a time or eight. I'll probably get Yoshino and Doi wrong as well. ;P

Shelley and Doi counter each other a bunch and tag out. Yoshino runs really really fast and dropkicks Sabin, but spinning heel kick. The Guns double team, then Alex gets caught in an awesome crazy spinny Octopus Hold. Yoshino and Doi work over Shelley's arm and doubleteam liberally, not unlike what the Guns are known for. Doi gets a senton from the top on Shelley being held up by Yoshino and the ropes. Nice. Shelley finally gets the tag after escaping some more double teaming in a corner, and Sabin goes bananas and finally gets the Springboard Clothesline. One of the Asian dudes ducks and the MCMG clothesline each other. Doi with a Brainbuster on... uhh, it was either Shelley or Sabin. I think anyway, this match is really damn fast. Coulda been Sonjay Dutt for all I know at this point. Sabin(?) gets a Tarantula/Dropkick double team hurtin' put on him. Sabin(?) gets fucked up in the tree of woe in the corner. Yoshino eats that double team move that I'm gonna call the Cuttinator until I know otherwise. The Guns finally put him away with a Double Superkick. Fucking hell that was fast paced.

Winners: MCMG... bleh

Karen speaks but I don't care. She is an official TNA talent I guess now though. It was mentioned when Lauren talked to Kurt, so I should probably put this up there, but I'm muuuuch too lazy. The Beautiful People come in talk shit at Karen and go to bag her when AJ comes in. He says anyone who wants a piece of Karen has to go through them. They talk shit at him too and tell him if he ever wants real women to give them a call. Uhh.

Nash talks in the back and doesn't want to says Joe is the champ because of him. Joe comes out to the ring and calls Joe out of the back. And here's Nashley. Nash suggests they talk in private. Joe tells Nash whatever he has to say, he can say it in front of everybody. Nash says maybe a thank you is in order for keeping the title on him. Joe says maybe Nash should thank him for letting Big Immobile ride his coattails. Nash says Joe can't beat Booker, because Booker is in his head.

JB finds Kurt in conference with Team HGH (Allegedly), Steiner, Petey, and Khaaaaaan. He is kicked ewt of the room immediately.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match- James Storm w/ Jackie and Robert Roode vs. LAX with Hector Guerrero

Roode & Storm have maybe one or two wins in at least a half dozen matches as a team. Totally deserving of a title shot. Jeez, you might as well give The Rock & Rave Infection a shot with that kind of record.

Roode uses his strength but gets outwrestled, hiptossed and kicked before fighting back. Storm comes into a drop toe hold. Shoulderblock/Clothesline combo and a Vader attack from the big man and Storm is getting killed until Roode pulls Homicide off the corner mounted punches throat first onto the ropes. Jackie chokes him with her belt while the ref is distracted on two different occasions. Ed Leslie High Knee from Storm. Two count only and again only two when he tries to pin again. Hot tag to Hernandez, Slingshot Shoulderblocks, Powerslams, and throwing people across the ring via a shirt wrapped around their neck ensues. Storm got Gringo Cut on the apron but is back in in time to wrap Jackie's belt around his boot (allegedly the buckle was on the bottom of the boot) and hit his finishing Superkick on Hernandez while he had Roode up for the Border Toss. Roode makes the pin?

Winners: Roode Storm

Hector argues vehemently with the ref that Storm cheated.

Back from the break and the ref restarted the match after seeing a replay and the bad guys try to keep the big man down. Backbreaker on Storm and a Senton from the top to Roode, courtesy of Homicide. Regular Sitdown Powerbomb on Storm (I think) ends the match and LAX retain.

Winners: LAX I guess

Roode lays out everybody with a chair, Hector included. Team 3D's hands are harder than a chair wielded by Roode apparently, because he ain't bleeding from the shot. That old TNA staple the handcuffs come into play as LAX get cuffed in three corners. Beltings for all three of tonight's LAX representatives. Jackie whips Hector like it's WCW 1996-97 all over again. Holla if you remember what the hell I'm talking about.

Knockouts are fighting in the back. Velvet and Angie are fighting Gail and someone else. Commercial.

Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim

Brawling starts before the bell. Gail starts strong. Lucha armdrag! Which means her offense ends right about... now. Sky gets the low dropkick to the injured knee, knocking Gail off the apron. She slams Gail's knee into the post. Gail can't put the pressure on her knee and a second Lucha armdrag attempt doesn't get very far. Figure Four by Sky and she finally looks a little better than competent. Sky might be a decent technical wrestler, because submission moves are about all I've seen that looks good from her since she started in TNA. Gail turns it over after a short while and Velvy breaks. Gail comes back with clotheslines and gets two off the flippy Neckbreaker thing from up top. Missile Dropkick completely misses though. V. Sky goes for the bag, but not this week. Happy Ending gets three! Gail no sell knee good. I can't fault her though, I can't kick for shit with my other leg either.

Winner: Gail Kim

Gail bags Sky post match.

Roode says consider what they did a drive by. Storm says they have the money and the beer. Roode gags on the beer. Storm says he's from the mountains of Tennessee and drives a '75 Ford truck with a shotgun in the back. They are totally hyped up. I couldn't even catch the end of it.

World X-Cup Preview Match- Team International's Alex Koslov vs. Team TNA's Curry Man

Great info on Koslov from Tenay. And he also lets us know Curry Man is full time TNA, and thus gets to be on TNA's team.

Curry starts off hot, then we get a lil danceoff. Squee. Curry Man gets a drop toe hold and dances on Kozzy's back. Hip Check and a Slingshot Suplex. Koslov gets a short Arm Powerslam off the Spice Rack attempt. Russian Legsweep. Huge Slingshot Splash wins it for Koslov.

Winner: Alex Koslov

Sonjay Dutt has no comment on his actions. Joe comes in and he and Booker show mild respect towards each other and Booker gets the title match in his hometown. Joe says it does smell like piss in there and throws Book the keys to his locker room.

Sonjay Dutt is out with a live mic. He dedicates this match to Val. He's kinda spazzy and crazy-eyed, kinda like Chuck Palumbo when he went Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but slightly more controlled and subtle at least.

Sonjay Dutt vs. Consequences Creed

Prematurely Balding Dutt is jealous of Creed's hair. Creed gets the punch combo and dances. Springboard Crossbody from the noob Creed. Bulldog-ish thing into the top turnbuckle/Seesaw Kick combo by Dutt. Big springboard dropkick and Dutt is in control until Creed slams into Dutt in a hurry in the opposite corner after taking a clothesline in the opposite corner. Tenay and West spazzed out at his closing speed. Kneebutt? Low blow by Dutt. Body Slam. Hindu Press (450 Splash, because you've probably forgotten... since he hasn't done the move since before I started recappin' dis clustafuck show!) wins it.

Winner: Sonjay Dutt

Macho Jay comes out and attacks Dutt until he escapes. He then shouts incoherently at his former buddy. I guess they will have a match next week or something.

Lumberjack Match- Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles... The 'Jacks are Team 3D, Tomko, Christian Cage, Rhino, and Matt Morgan.

Frank Trigg is heelin' it up on commentary.

AJ starts hot and Angle goes out on the wrong side and gets smacked around by Caged Rhino. Quick rollup gets AJ two. Angle charges and gets sent out to the floor again and Morgan gets a shot in on him this time too. Huge Springboard Forearm on Angle's shiny bald head, and back to the head. AJ gets sent out on the heel side but avoids their contact. Kurt's dropkick fails and another 2 for AJ. AJ's Dropkick connects though. Some shots from AJ in the corner and Angle throws him out. No escape this time and the good guys try to help AJ out. 3D-B on Rhino on the outside.

Angle hits a suplex for two. Rhino had to be taken away after the 3D-B. Discus clothesline and a regular one. Hammerlock Suplex thing gets two for AJ. AJ armdrags out of the Angle Slam try Spinout Powerbomb almost gets the win. Rana pin, ref distracted by the good guys. Good is dumb. Ray distracts and clubs AJ and Kurt hits his self titled slam this time... and that's it? Really?

Winner: Kurt Angle

Trigg was awesome as always, btw. No more Hermie Sadler... EVAR!

The bad guys outnumber the faces and beat them up. They get the tables, but Abyss makes his return. He's wearing white so you know he is a good guy. He cleans house on the dastardly villains and stops Tomko's attempt at Chokebombing him through the table, Choke Slamming the big scary goatman through it instead. Everybody fights to the outside while AJ sets up the table and puts Kurt on it after a PELE~!!! Outta nowhere! Kurt was playing possum though, and AJ misses the splash through the table. Angle calmly puts the Ankle Lock on until newly officially signed Karen comes out. She dares him to hit her, but here comes Awesome Kong. Karen is too stupid to run away until it's too late. Dingy broad. She gets layed out with one punch by the Knockouts Champ. I for one think she deserved it for not running away. She didn't get Powerbombed or backfisted (LOLZ~!!) or even Implant Bustered though, so she got off (hehe) easy enough.

Pretty good episode of iMPACT!. Tons and tons of serviceable to exceptional wrestling, and minimal unnecessary bullshit. Hire Frank Trigg permenantly please TNA. He was awesome yet again on commentary. His heelishness is awesome and quite honestly... refreshing. Judging by the MCMG winning, Daivari's serious promo, and whooping Curry Man received from Koslov, this year's X-Cup looks like it will come down to Team TNA and Team International.

(Dino) Sendoff: You've only got me for a few more weeks. Enjoy it. Or not. Byeeeeee!


by Charley Martin

Hey again y'all. RAW was pretty decent this week. Maybe just because it was my first chance to see Melina and Kennedy as faces, but w/e. Anyway, apologies for the shitty job I did last week. That is what it looks like when I actually do half ass things. It probably won't look a whole lot better since there is a nice little, always entertaining but impossible to properly recap, X-Division clusterfuck tonight. I'll try to be passable at least though since everybody will be watching the NBA Finals, my recap might actually get read by more than two people. Score!... Meh, I'd rather be watching the Finals too. Ehh, Lets make an iMPACT!...
The X-Division King of the Mountain Match tonight is for a World Title.
Fly in the Face of Continuity King of the Mountain Preview Match- Booker “Royal” T and Robert Roode vs. Caged Rhino
Blood feud? What blood feud? The Royal One and The Rich One seem to be on the same page, because heels always get along? Bah, how can Vince Russo, of all people, let this happen?
Rhino uses his strength to overpower Roode and Cage continues to the attack with his speed. Second rope back elbow by Christian. Taking out Roode on the apron proves his undoing though. He turns right into some educated feet. Cage gets his ass kicked now and Roode and T show no signs that they ever even feuded at all. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. After some beatdown and fluid tags from the recent former mortal enemies, Roode goes for the Northern LariatOOOOOOOO but misses, and Christian catches him with a desperation Inverted DDT. Rhino gets the no better than fairly warm tag and Booker is in too. Booker eventually eats Gore, but Devon is in to to break it up at two and draw the DQ. Well, at least he made it on time for once. I sooooooooooo don't have a right to complain about other people showing up late...
Winner: DQ, Dairy Queen, Don Quixote, Dragon Quest, Disqualification.
The beatdown is on until AJ is out to make the save, fighting like a man possessed.  AJ hopes he and Cage can be on the same page again someday.  He isn't out to pin Kurt at Slammiversary, he's out to hurt him.  He intends to take out Tomko tonight.
Cornette says AJ will get Tomko and have a chance to get some revenge for having been getting beaten like a drag queen at a tractor pull (say wha?) in recent weeks.
Earlier today JB talked to Joe during his workout with some strange looking guy. Joe and Nash aren't on the same page. Go fucking figure.
The self proclaimed Beautiful People talk shit and make... Lauren, hold up a blown up version of their Dual Autograph card from the TNA iMPACT! trading card set (From TRISTAR! I'll be waiting for my free case for my part in shilling your wonderful glorious TNA cards, TriStar. ;D) over her face. Velvet Sky has a Street Fight with ODB tonight. Angelina calls Gail and Roxxi Kim Chee and Nub Head.
Hidden Highlight: Near the end of the segment, Lauren started to lower the card and Angelina stopped her and angrily nudged it back up.
Saeed and Kong come up and harass the interviewer chick and make another challenge.
Street Fight- Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. ODB
ODB commences by throwing the contents of her spit cup in Velvets face, then takes Sky into the crowd. ODB appears to be impervious to pain while in the crowd. Sky's attempts to attack seriously get nowhere out there amongst the humanoids (TM Bobby Heenan). Back in now and Angelina causes trouble allowing Sky to get control. Octopus Hold with an Arm Bite, but ODB comes back with a Fallaway Slam. Not Really Running Powerslam with authority and Sky is toast.
Winner: ODB
Angelina comes in and hits the Leaping Reverse STO on ODB and lays in the boots until Roxxi and surprisingly fast running and spry Gail Kim make the save, until some chick comes in lays their asses out. Hey, was that Mickie Knuckles? Ooh
Bachelor party time. Was that Kaz(?) playing the guitar? Ace the lame American Idol goof and Curry Man the wonderful TNA goof sing. James Storm is drunk off his ass back behind JB on the stage, as Borash welcomes us and brings the man of the hour, Black Machismo, to the stage. Macho Jay thinks Lanny (Poffo) set all this up. Har dee har har. Sonjay says he has something to say, but not until Slammiversary. BG makes a toast. He says marriage is a sacred institution and there are two rules that Jay must learn. One, learn how to keep your mouth shut, and two, learn how to take orders. Haha. James Storm comes up from by the dancing chick at the back of the stage and screams “FREE BOOZE!!” before passing out at the dancing chick's feet.
Eric Young is at Graceland and thinks Samoa Joe would look good in the Elvis Jumpsuit in the display case. Is he still wearing the same clothes. Man, I hope he showered at least.
“Dirigible Head” Don West and “The Curator of Kayfabe” Mike Tenay run down the card for Slammiversary.
Kaz vs Petey Williams©- X-Division Title Match
Team 3D vs LAX©- TNA World Tag Team Title Match
Jay Lethal/So Cal Val Wedding
AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle grudge match
Robert Roode vs. Booker T vs. Rhino vs. Christian Cage vs. Samoa Joe©- King of the Mountain Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Sting... no, he isn't wearing the face paint... Steve Borden speaks!
Sting says Ric Flair put him on the map, and at least three of his top five matches were against the Nature Boy. He says Ric went out in style. Sting is thinking about his own retirement.
King of the Mountain video... with testimonials!
X-Division King of the Mountain Match for World Heavyweight Title Shot Next Week- He's Hot... He's Spicy... He Tastes Great!... Curry Man! vs. Jimmy Rave w/ Hoyt and Hemme vs. Chris Sabin vs. Johnny Devine vs. Kaz
I'm only going to call somewhat big or impressive moves and pins. Kaz gets STO'd by Rave on the apron. Owchies. Suicide Dive from Sabin. Devine is on top of the Penalty Cage and Moonsaults onto Rave and Kaz on the floor.
Rave got the first pin, on Curry Man during the break. Sabin gets a weird looking pin on Rave. Sabin uses the X as a weapon. Wave of the Future into the ladder. Monkey Flip into the ladder. Woo Curry Man. Devine DDT on Kaz. Suplex onto the ladder gets Devine a near fall on Curry. Sabin does awesome shit with the ladder and Hesitation Dropkicks it into Devine's squirrelly mug.
Three man superplex. Sabin and Kaz fight atop the Penalty Cage. Kaz looks for the Flux Capicitor from up there, but doesn't get it. Sabin immobilizes Kaz long enough to hit a crossbody from up there onto Curry Man in the ring. Devine tries to hit Kaz up there with the ladder, but it backfires badly and he gets it smashed up into his face. Kaz rides it down onto somebody for a pin and immediately gets rolled up himself. Spice Rack Pins Devine and all guys are now eligible. Everybody is down or out and Curry has the X to hang, but Kaz comes out of nowhere and yoinks the X and knocks Curry down from the top of the ladder and takes the win.
Winner: Kaz
Another King of the Mountain Video... also with Testimonials!
Kong is about to kill someone in her $25,000 challenge. Amber O'neil, Becky Bayless, and Daffney are in the crowd and looking for a fight. Kong selects Daffney, who is H-O-T hot hot hot.
Daffney has her shoot fighting gloves on and her mouthpiece in and takes the fight to Kong, but gets nowhere but beaten mercilously. Giant swing into the guard rail. Back into the ring for a little more beating. Picture Perfect and awesomely brutal Awesome Bomb and that... is... all.
Abyss says it's three more days. This one was mildly disturbing at least.
Nash talks but Joe comes in and questions just what the hell he's doing playing politics & shit to get himself in as Special Enforcer for KotM. Blah blah blah investment shouty angry Joe blah. Nash offers the bat and turns around but Joe tells him he won't need a bat and wants Kev to see it coming.
Bachelor Party. Telegrams from Groomsmen? Koko B. Ware? George “The Animal” Steele? Kamala? Sonjay says no party is complete without a stripper, so Sonjay brings out... Kip James?! Why god why? I think Sharky's reaction of throwing up in a plant sums it up quite nicely.
Lance Hoyt w/ Christy Hemme, Kip James, and (now sobered up) James Storm w/ Jackie vs. Matt Morgan and TNA Tag Team Champions of the World LAX w/ Salinas y Hector Guerrero
The self proclaimed Beautiful People and Mickie Knuckles vs. Roxxi, ODB, and Gail Kim is announced for Slammiversary. I thought that's who that was. Interesting.
Storm gets worked over by the champs. Jackie interferes and Homicide gets killed. Guitar butt playing and a Fallaway from Hoyt. Kip adds a resthold. Storm back in and a double clothesline; both men are down. Matt Morgan, runs wild, gets the hot tag and goes... Old School! Perfectly synchronized Tope Con Hilo/Big Man Dive out onto Storm and Hoyt. Crappy looking F5 ends Kipette's night.
Winner: Matt Morgan, and LAX
Scott Steiner buries everyone and Petey gets cut off before he can say anything. Lame.
Kurt and Karen waste my time and Angle finally loses snaps because he thinks she cheated on him with AJ, proof be damned. AJ was watching on and totally snapped too. Ooh, I'm excited for this one.
Back too the party. Hemme pops outta the cake and the Rock & Rave Infection get booed off stage. ODB brings in a package for Jay. Sonjay opens it up and it is a giant python. So Jake Roberts is going to be there?
Tomko vs. AJ Styles (Kevin Nash is your Special Enforcer)
AJ flies onto Tomko and beats his ass on the outside. Back in and AJ counters a power move and just completely beats the shit out the big man. Tomko fights back but AJ gets a wicked knee lift. The badass in AJ has been awakened. Tomko pushes him away, but Styles is back on him like a rabid dog, laying in more punches. Tomko flips AJ over the ropes and to the floor, wanging his arm on the apron on the way down.
Back with that huge dropkick from AJ. During the break Tomko worked the arm. AJ scores a clothesline and Flying Forearm. Nash prevents Roode and Booker from interfering. PELE~!!!!!!!!!!!! Inverted DDT. And a Frog Splash wins it.
Winner: AJ Styles... and little guys winning extended squaashes against near 300 lb behemoths. God bless you, TNA.
One last sell to loud music and we are outta here.
Pretty good go home show. Too bad epic old school basketball rivalries reigniting in the Finals means we're probably looking at about a 0.43 rating tonight.
IMPACT! Player of the Night: AJ Styles!!
(Dino) Sendoff: I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this. It's getting harder and harder to focus and I kinda want to start doing other things sometime this summer. If anyone wants to be my *future* replacement, start sending in those sample recaps to me, and I'll send the good ones along to Sean to make the final decision on, and by mid-to-late July, you could be TWF's official TNA iMPACT! smartass ranterer. Also, if you post practice ones in the wrestling groups I'm in on MySpace, I'll be sure to check them out too. After all, that's how I got started many moons ago.
That's it for me this week sportz entertainment fans. Until we meet again, so long from the humid like a bitch state.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).