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July 31, 2008
TNA IMPACT
This is it, my last show. To the people who e-mailed in the past
week, thank you for the kind words. It's good to know I wasn't entirely alone in this. And Derek, that line about me having
better grammar than Dave Meltzer made my month of June. Of course, if anyone had anything to say about my performance on the
forum, I don't know... because the new forum won't let me sign up! >=O As for why my last edition of lunatical rambling is so late... well,
life calls at inopportune times sometimes. Seems fitting, in a way, with the troubles I've had getting it done on time thanks
*mostly* to outside forces. Anyway, let's get on with it then. No more talk and no more excuses. I get to call a Gail Kim
match as my last fall as TNA iMPACT! recapper to the stars... Road Warrior Hawk and The Fabulous Moolah smile upon me. This
is the July 31st, 2008 edition of TNA iMPACT!... LETS MAKE AN iMPACT! Booker is gonna give Joe a tour of his weapon filled cage match tonight.
Begone Borash from the royal lockerroom ye bugeyed little interviewer peasant troll. Booka gets all bugeyed crazy evil sex
fiend on Sharmell. TNA iMPACT! video game opening. Hehehe, that's kinda cool. Tag Team #1 Contenders Match- Beer Money, Inc w/ Jackie vs.
Rhino & Christian Cage w/ video game intros Rhino outmuscles Roode and he and Cage get a double team. Roode escapes
Rhino back in but Storm gets nowhere fast. Cage and Storm jockey for position on the ropes and Cage scores a Cutter. Cage
makes Beer Money look silly with his superior maneuverability and ring savvy. Unfortunately for him, Storm spits beer his
face and he gets downed on the floor. Double Suplex from Beer Money to Cage. Tornado DDT from Cage to Roode
and the fresh guys come in. Rhino goes apeshit bananas and Cage gets his patented Inverted DDT on someone. Cage goes up but
stupidly jumps out onto Brother Ray who is down to cause trouble. Gore makes Storm dead but the ref gets pulled and the pent
up in-match run-ins explode like a mighty orgasm of ridonkulousness. Devine runs to get mauled, conveniently leaving a more
important player to land an important kendo stick shot later. Devon attacks Rhino but doesn't get too far either. Jackie grabs
Rhino's hair but gets dragged down by Cage, who eats cane while Rhino eats 3D while Jackie distracts that incompetent boob
Hebner with her much more competent boobs. A pin and that is all. Winners: Beer Money... and it only took five guys and a woman to
get the job done (actually Jackie was way more useful than Devine, though his kendo stick was useful, much like in the elimination
table match). These guys are only about 2.5 notches above the Mulkeys on the scale of credibility right now. Cage demands satisfaction. A New Jersey Streetfight (or as they call
it in New Jersey, a Streetfight) for Hard Justice. For some reason Ray looks hesitant about that though nobody else does.
Maybe they intend to have him actually take the loss for his team for once or something. Oh god Rock & Rave trainwreck prematch interview. -25 to IQ...
but +5 back to it because Hemme was slightly coherent and gave character development. Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick, Cam, and ridiculous hat, and
The Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. Curry Man w/ different but equally ridiculous hat to Devine, Shark Boy,
and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal w/ video game entrance video and So Cal Val The bad guys attack before the bell while the ref was diverted with
something. There must've been a mic nearby because you could here him say “What the hell?” as he turned too late
to catch the bad guy bum rush and exasperatedly shouts “Ring the bell”. Wacky back & forth clusterfuckiness
to begin. Once it settles down, Rave hits his wicked STO on Curry. Double team elbow drop from the R&RI. Devine hits a
couple of running knees, one in the corner, and one that levels the comic relief back towards the middle of the ring. Jay
Lethal gets the hottest tag ever and moves at improbable speed bringing the hurt to Devine with all many of awesome possum.
Devine Intervention blocked and the quick out of nowhere Lethal Combination gets Jay the win. Winners: Jay Lethal, Curry Man, and Shark Boy Lethal brings Val in the ring to ask her to marry him again, but
the ring is gone and she doesn't know what happened to it, but Macho Jay thinks it's purposeful and walks out. Borash and CMT guy jibba-jabba and Super Eric comes in to subtly
pimp the Spin Cycle and have brain flash about saving the love of Jay & Val. Joe is here and pissed. Video of the Booker/Joe/Sting love triangle... err, world title nonsense. Big Immobile tries to calm Joe down. Joe says he definitely got hit
from behind when the lights went out last week. Kevin mentions the two sides of Sting, and says if they plan to go to war,
they have to have a plan, and Joe goes along with it. Booker video game entrance. The Six Sides of Steel is set up with
implements of violence and Booker T is within. Joe is out through the crowd. “Joe's gonna kill you” chant. He
says if he gets in the ring he's gonna kick Booker's ass. In the ring he stalks the king and Nash keeps Bookah from escaping.
Joe puts the hurt on the King, and Nash kidnaps Sharmell when she tries to make him open up the cage door. Joe is distracted
by the and a black bat drops on from the rafters on an extension cord or something. Booker lays out Joe with it and looks
skyward, with the slightly deranged look of a man enjoying a slow descent into madness on his face. Ex-Daivari Shiek Abdul Bashir says the American people fail. Sadly
he has a strong point... Back from da break. AJ is distraught and wants to know the fuck is
up with Sting. He gets to the word coward and the lights go out... and when they come back up, Kurt Angle sneaks up behind
him and delivers an Olympic Slam... still doesn't sound quite right, y'know? Another one and he puts the bad mouth on AJ demanding
he get up for a third one. He drags his sorry ass up and takes one more. Sharky and Curry are hassling The Slightly Above Average Looking
People cuz they think they stole Val's ring. Curry is a pervy pervy guy in a mask with a fake Japanese accent. They finally
go, but promise to be back to stomp holes in something or other if they find out the Bitch Brigade has the ring. Curry tries
unsuccessfully to get some action one more time on the way out, asking if they want to find out how great he tastes. Petey talks shit at “Consequences” Creed, does a crappy
Ah-nuld impression, and tries to give himself as many nicknames as Triple H. Getting there. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not Hermie Sadler. No sound for this match folks. Non-Tittle Match- “Consequences” Creed vs. TNA
X-Division Champion “Pick a Fucking Nickname Already” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan Khan stands in at 6'4” tonight. Punch & Shuffle and an
almost vertical leaping Crossbody from Creed, who kinda has the whole Rocky thing backwards, but he's good, so whever. Actually,
they seem to do that quite a lot in TNA when they rehash storylines. Skewing old stories just enough to change the dynamic
so that it only LOOKS like a blatant ripoff. Petey with the Air to Ground Slingshot 'Rana. Lungblower gets a nearfall. Jawbreaker/Spinning
Heel Kick combo the Pete One. Kofiquences makes the comeback. That right there is a kick in the face, Petey. TKO from Mr.
Puffy Hair gets only two on the filthy Canadian. I am so gonna get my ass kicked if my best friend reads that. Canadians w/
martial arts training FTL! Rhaka distracts and Creed apparently has no issues with *MUCH* taller women. He dodges the Petey
charge and Khaaaaaaaaaan! eats it. Creed misses high risk, but the Canadian Destroyer won't work, so Petey tries to get a
rollup with it. Creed drops down and locks up the legs for the theoretically improbable (but not really) win. Winner: Consequences Creed AJ will be the first in line to meet Sting and demands his match
with Angle at Hard Justice be a Last Man Standing Match. Shark w/ a side of Curry accost LAX over the missing ring (and presumably
the shit they stole from Sharky's house when he was in a coma... Continiuity! Or at least a Hidden Highlight, that Sharky
would know to look up LAX if something got stolen, after that acid trip-tastic incident). Curry Man tries to place peacemaker
bustin' out the ghetto Engrish. And with that last sentence, I can now officially say my career as iMPACT! ranterer-er is
complete. It's about to break down when Super E-tard comes back to announce he made a break in the case. I'd like to break
a case of expensive baseball cards, personally. The Hard Justice Card is shaping up. Over half the matches are of
the gimmick variety. Ergh, pace yourselves TNA. At least have normal matches on free TV a little more often. Jeez. And shouldn't
the face of TNA management have some idea of what the fuck is up with Sting? Karen's Angle. Kaz part deux. Kaz talks about being a loser and retires.
After the show Tomko busts shit up and the big scary tattooed goatman turns the camera away and seems to be intending to make
with the (>^(>O.o)>. That's right. Nash tries to calm his little Samoan buddy Joseph down. Joe is going
up to the rafters to take care of shit. Matt Morgan vs. Sal Rinauro Rinauro has only one pantleg on his tights and the other one flairs
out at the bottom... it's rather gay. For the past three weeks Morgan has faced consecutively LESS imposing oppenents... Both
of Rock & Rave back-to-back. Then Kory Chavis, who at least looked like an full-grown adult standing across from Morgan.
Rinauro wouldn't look especially impressive next to Brother Runt. I think Matt may have killed him with the Mount Morgan Hellevator.
Not a good looking landing for Mr. Gay Pants... Winner: Guess... this was the least competitive one so far. Morgan calls out Tomko cuz for bustin' up Karen's show and says Tomko's
head is way far up Kurt Angle's ass. Giant speaker of truth. Tomko has video game entrance thing right before he comes out
as well. They stare down and talk shit. Well, Morgan talks shit while Tomko stares at him with a look somewhere between “bemusement”
and “stoned”. The red shirt (though ironically wearing black) security armada arrives just seconds after they
start to brawl, and honestly, six security guys could have done far worse with two guys that imposing. Tomko relaxes and bust
free once to rain down some blows. He backs off and out of the ring when Morgan escapes security. He turns to leave but comes
back quick and attacks Morgan from behind. However a Mountain Bike Kick shuts him down. Tomko falls to the Mount Morgan Hellevator,
which makes DW and Tenay lose their freakin; minds, even though Lance Hoyt Rock is bigger and took it more visually impressively
just two or three weeks ago. This also kills a feud between these two behemoths because they just
blew their load on a good two-three month long feud in four minutes. How do you continue it now? Tomko just got killed by
the good guy in a matter of minutes. *Edit*... I just read Tomko is on his way out of TNA. Still though, should've kept him
long enough to properly put Morgan over instead of blowing the meaningfulness of a big win in the next couple of weeks before
his tapings run out. Super Eric watched last week's episode and saw Sonjay Dutt steal
the ring. About time somebody went to the replay for something. Whodda ever thought that the one person smart enough to do
that would be Super Eric though? He says they will take care of The Guru and his prematurely thinning hair next week. Team 3D and Beer Money w/ Jackie celebrate and talk about being scumbags
or something and Ray threatens Cage & Rhino with another glass table. Rough Cuts with Taylor Wilde underdogging it her whole life or something.
Bill DeMott speaks on her via the On*Star Hotline. ODB and Love and Jackie and Traci talk about her too. The Perfectly Acceptably Looking People w/ bag w/ face on
it vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal love and TNA Knockouts Champion Taylor Wilde w/ the GOLD Gail hugs a young Asian woman in the crowd on her way to the ring. Velvet Sky starts with the champ... uhh, no. Next! Love fairs...
maybe worse with the champ. Velvet got a couple cheapshots before getting hopelessly outclassed at least. Gail makes Love
look foolish with her superior skills, but going for the Lucha Arm Drag in the enemies corner was... honestly, incredibly
stupid. She ends up down in a heap on the outside taking quite possibly the weakest looking kicks ever seen, from Sky. Joe
is heading up into the rafters as we hit the break. Thank god Velvet's offense was during the break. Basement Dropkick
from Love and she keeps the offense coming. Love gets her Code Broken (does that work as a sexual metaphor?...) by Gail and
she makes the very hot, but for a much different reason than Macho Jay's insane one earlier, tag. The Wilde Thing goes as
such, and bridges a suplex for a pair. Everybody is in until Gail gets sent out. The fiendish blond chicks telegraph a double
back body or flapjack or something and Taylor tries to sunset flip the less talented of the Not Really Even Close To Beautiful
People, who knocks down Love with her arm flailing from trying not to fall, conveniently just in time for Gail to get back
in and land a dropkick on Sky to get her to fall for the one... two... three! Winners: Taylor Wilde and Gail Kim Attempted post-match beatdownery by the Fugly People fails, but here
comes Kong. The Wilde Thing and The Love of My Life attack but... you just shouldn't try to double clothesline The Konger,
it just isn't going to work unless you're both Hernandez/Batista-sized, and even then it's only 50-50. One Awesome (... and
STILL Better-than-Batista) Bomb for you Gail, and one for DA CHAMP too. FINALLY hobo variant ODB (HobODB coming soon!) and
Roxxi with a chair, ward off Queen Kong and her masked cheerleader friend. What took them so long? Were THEY too busy tag-teaming
Salinas too? In my dirty dirty mind, that is a big affirmative. Traci Brooks looks on from up by the face vortex, pleased. Joe is up in the rafters finally (I understand why though... large
man + many stairs = slow climb and a level of heavy breathing usually reserved for earth-shatteringly passionate lovemaking)
and rather pissed when he finds a bird perched up there... so Sting is actually The Crow for real now? Or was the bird just
up there because it got in somehow and decided to make it's home high above the iMPACT! Zone. Ah whatever, both scenarios
makes as much sense as anything else going on in the iMPACT! Zone, maybe more. Show's over. Free Agency here I come. And with that, it is done I'm off into the setting sun The fight may never truly end But my part here is complete My story will continue though Elsewhere on the open road It's been a pleasure to Try and serve all of you Even when it wasn't You may see me again someday Though the name May not be the same See you again stranger Somewhere down the line I'll keep goin' on Trying to make sense of it all Both the big things and the small For now I've called my last fall So this is my curtain call Take care, much love, end scene, peace, and goodnight
y'all *Bows as the lights go out and the final curtain falls in a nearly
empty theatre* I'm Sweet Daddy Charley... and you've just been thrilled.
TNA IMPACT
I literally woke up at 7:58pm, yet somehow managed to get my computer
started, the Open Office document opened, my TV turned on and switched over from smooth jazz to Spike by 8:00 and managed
to not miss any of the show. Holy shit. Next week will be my last on this beat, and while it's been up & down, and I didn't
quite make it a year, I'm better off than I was before I started because of this anonymous, only once feedback'd recap of
totally nonsensical ass-backwardsly booked but exceptionally wrestled, uhh, wrestling. TNA went from one hour to two, crossed
the line from we are wrestling, made Somoa Joe World Heavyweight Champion of the World, and was just generally was bat shit
crazy on my watch. Good luck future replacement, you sir (or madam) will most certainly need it. Enough verbal Pyro &
Ballyhoo, let's make an iMPACT! Woo! “Now You See Him, Now You Don't” is tonight's retardedly
helpful episode title. Joe in a suit comes through the crowd, and Nash comes down the aisle.
The Six Sides of Steel are set up, and they enter. Joe asks Booker why don't we throw out the refs and the rules and have
the title match in the cage. Booker and Sharmell are out now, in nightgowns... uhh, okay. Booker is angry about getting disturbed
and says last week's actions by Joe were those of a desperate man. But Booker wants to raise the stakes with common household
items as weapons. He goes to get a contract written up and asks Joe if he'll be man enough to sign it. Awesome Sting video. In the back AJ keeps the faith in Sting, but
the wiley vets, who's first major appearances on TV were only shortly before AJ debuted in the original WCW (cuz lets face
it, TNA IS WCW 2.0) in 2000, and who combine to only equal the number of AJ's World Heavyweight Title reigns, give him a stern
talking to. Russo: LOL what's a continuity? Jimmy Rave (w/ Hemme & Rock) vs. Consequences Creed w/
American Flag vs. Johnny Devine w/ Singapore Cane, cam, and hat that makes him look kinda like a high rent Miz vs. Eric Young
w/ getting Fuckin dammit! I woke up literally two minutes before tonight's show
started, and I've got to do an opening X-Division Fatal Four-Way. Why couldn't I have at least gotten Nash, Black Reign, Iron
Shiek, and Great Khali or something? Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Oh, the match. Do I have to? Fine. Uhh, lets see, lots of fast moves
and a face flipping out of the ring onto someone(s). That good enough for the first ¾+ of the match? The only special thing
was Big Bi-Curious (sorry, it's the tramp stamp) Lance getting CreedDT'd. Now the fun part. Rave hits The Move With a Name
that's Entirely too Long on Creed (ooh, bad landing... Creed would be unconscious if not for the afro cushioning his landing
a bit), but not super Eric makes the save. He DVD's Rave, but the other bad saves. Devine Intervention on EY, but Creed is
miraculously still in this thing and makes the save. Way slowed down punches and splits and knockout punch from Consequences.
Both guys finishers get countered and Creed gets a FTW! Winner: Consequences Creed... so he did get momentum from getting
squashed in last week's main event. Devine and the Infection gang up on Creed, but Abyss is out for the
save before Devine can hit the chairshot. Rave attempting to crossbody the big Borash in the back with the Angle Alliance. They make him lay on
a table while they talk. Kinky. Kaz video of all his failures in the last few months. Kaz talks about
his career on Karen's Angle. Taylor Wilde is in the back stretching Thank you. Matt Morgan vs. Kory Chavis Chavis of all people talks shit (other appearances on iMPACT! were
getting beaten in a minute-thirty by Judas Messyass and getting bloodied by Kurt Angle in his MMA sparring in preperation
for Joe) and gets flung around the ring. Jobber slaughter. Legdrop on the apron and a running kick in the head. Chavis fights
back with a rake to the eyes and a couple of punches, but runs into the Mountain Bike Kick. The newly and worsely named Hellevator
(Mount Morgan Drop) finishes it right quick. Winner: Kory Chavis... yeah, no. He got beat down worse than some
of the jobbers on NWA World Championship Wrestling back in the mid-1980s. Matt Morgan The MCMG cut the promo of their lives. Sabin says Beer Money is just
a chubby cowboy and whatever he called Roode. The would both nail Jackie though, but not in front of anyone. On a marginally
related note, I would also nail the Jackie I know. Just sayin'. A couple more disses and Shelley removes the badass mask speaks.
He says Detroit isn't just the cars, and the Motor in their names is interchangeable with Murder, because Detroit has the
highest murder rate of anywhere. They are Detroit born & bred, rough & tough like the city, and they are the best
tag team today. Bad... ass. Prince Justice Brotherhood (Super E-tard and CurryShark) come up
with a catchphrase. Curry Man speaks English now, with a fairly heavy Japanese accent and swapping of L's and R's. Shark Boy
wants the catchphrase to be marketable. Eric in a mask and ridiculous a attempt at a heroic deep comes up with... “We
come in peace, they leave in pieces”. Where my “That was awesome!” chant? That's hardcore. Strap Match- Beer Money Inc. w/ Jackie vs. The Motor City
Machine Guns w/ masks... after the break! ... When did beer money become color coordinated? It's all Guns for
the first several minutes. Racking by the Guns and double teams and another racking, not to mention outside the ring beatdown
as well (good gravy I'm doing a shitty job this week). All Guns until Jackie interferes physically, crotching Shelley up top.
The bad guys take over for awhile. Until they both ascend to the second rope and leap off into Manhattan Drops. Ten turnbuckle
shots for each heel (well, 9... three top, three middle, three bottom, and the last one was into the mat). They run around
the bad guys to tie them up and kick the stuffin' out of them. Old school double-teaming such as running the heels into each
other and whatnot culminating in the greatest old school double team of them all, the Rowboat. Jackie tries to break it, but
gets caught in the middle. Heh, guess that nailing Jackie business was foreshadowing. Jackie gives one of the bad guys handcuffs,
and Sabin gets leveled with them to... oh my god, give Beer Money the win?! Hell might be a little chilly tonight. Winners: Beer Money? Seriously? The streak is broken? For real? Holy
shit! Beatdown and whipping of the fallen Guns. LAX make the save... well
run Beer Money off anyway. Late again. Winner: Double-Teaming Salinas (Soon to be available on DVD from TNA! I hope. Salinas
porn... *drools*) Sky and The Wilde Thing is next. Ike Taylor and James Farrior of the Steelers in the iMPACT! zONE! TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Velvet Sky w/ Angelina
Love vs. Taylor Wilde © Rollup at the bell and Wilde gets the win in five seconds. Winner: Taylor Wilde Sky bitches and gets a rematch. TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Velvet Sky w/ Angelina
Love vs. Taylor Wilde © Which she loses in another 20 seconds. Robert Roode and Orlando Jordan
must be proud. Winner: Taylor Wilde TNA Knockouts Cham... oh fuck it. Ground Hog Day in the iMPACT! ZONE!... take three! Octopus hold w/ arm bite! Sky's one move of doom! Winner: by DQ... Love hits her Mesias-approved finisher on da champ. The Bitch Brigade
bags her and GDB (Gail Kim and ODB) come out to save the day. ODB is eating a turkey. COMEDY~! Sky gets a face full of turkey
leg and Kim handles her less skilled nemesis. They help the kid up after they've run Villainy and Vanity off. Daivari gets a name change and a coming soon video. Shiek Abdul Bashir
is his new name of ridonkulousness. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt is in the hospital with a severe
case of Segment Stupidity, along with a small outbreak of Guru-ites, and a touch of dippy redhead. At least Val had the excuse
of hating extreme violence for not watching the replay. Guru had a ring in his bedpan. I don't give a flying fuck. 6-Man Elimination Table Match- Team 3D and Kurt Angle vs.
Rhino, Christian Cage, and AJ Styles The good guys take the fight to Angle and 3D. Cage and Angle fight
back & forth in the ring, Devon and Rhino fight in the crowd. In the go AJ & Ray as Kurt & Cage go to the floor.
Back in with Double Suplex by AJ & Christian on Kurt. Ray and Devon take back over and hit a 3D-B on Rhino. Rhino saves
AJ's bacon by knocking the table out of his way when Kurt Back Body Drops him. Devon gets eliminated by Cage & Rhino with
a double Flapjack. Cage is. Rhino eliminated himself during the break when Ray pulled out of the way of Rhino's super finisher,
Gore Through Table Set Up in a Corner. Cage drops Angle, but Devon interferes and Cage gets 3D'd off the second rope and through
a table behind Hebtard's back. The numbers game doesn't keep Styles down for long and he comes back with a Flying Double Clothesline.
Johnny Devine tries to interfere, but AJ ducks and Ray eats a face full of powder(ed sugar?). Devine gets Powerbombed through
a table by the blinded fat man. AJ kicks him outside and he conveniently gets back up on the apron where a table is right
behind him. Hmm... sometimes I wonder about the legitimacy of this sport. Angle charges AJ, but misses and runs into the Stay
Puft Marshmallow Man. Flippy Dippy DDT from AJ to Kurt and Angle is set up for the fall, but Kurt Clone hits him in the back
with Devine's Kendo Stick. Winner: Kurt Angle Booker is back out with Sharmell and the contract. Joe is out with
Kevin Nash. Both guys agree to send their women to the back and snipe at each other the whole time. After they gone, Booker
signs the contract and gives it to Joe. Suddenly the lights go out and Sting's music plays. When the lights come back on...
Joe is down and Booker is holding a black bat and staring up into the rafters all surreal like. Drama Llama! I'm hoping for
a return of nWo Sting. That's all you get this week. Nuffin' else to say really. Go get
laid or drink some tea or something. Next week is my last. Nobody has stepped up to fill my roll as far as I know. The only
person that has ever given me feedback on my recaps, Derek of 10th Hour fame (ironically not a top ten list this week) on 411mania.com, actually wants to do some work here for THE FAN. Dunno what
he wants to do, he didn't have a specific thing in mind (just doesn't want this job... smart man) but maybe you'll see him
here at some point. He wants me to come to 411mania and work in the games section also, so maybe you'll see The Sweet One
over there someday as well. Til' the crossroads indeed, my friend... Oh great, he didn't even do his normal sendoff this week
either. Oh well, check out the link anyway. He's got mad writing skillz, an awesome banner, and an even awesomer picture at
the end of the column. Dude's legit. Enjoy, and tell him The Sweet One sent ya. ;D Until we meet again one last time (for now), I'm Sweet Daddy Charley,
and you've just been thrilled.
TNA IMPACT
Hello and welcome. I completely
forgot to send my first chibi along with last week's
recap, so it'll show uphere this week. God knows how
many hours the fucking thing took, so nobody better
fucking complain that I didn't color it. I think
itturned out okay though. So without further ado...
let's make an Impact! Umm, it's 8:06... oops. We pick it up with Booker T in a fur coat that makes him look like a caveman, and Samoa Joe in a nice suit, standing
nose to nose. So weird, I don't know how to explain. You just have to see it for yourself. Boker keeps saying Joe can’t
beat him and offers Joe the belt back. Joe says he can hang onto itand doesn't take handouts from (CM) punks. Joe talks shit
and you either can't see Booker, or he's all up in Joe's head. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... To the back, Lauren makes fun of Beer Money’s misfortune. Roode bitches about getting their asses whipped by
the fans, so they're gonna take it out on the fans. It's not funny, it's money... Beer Money. Hahaha. They kidnap Lauren cuz
Borash isn't available or something and go out to whip some bitches. Kaz is self-loathing and emo about losing the X-Cup and letting everyone down. There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
does he go into it or is it a freight train coming at him? Ooh, ominous. TNA X-Division Title Match- Loser Kaz vs. Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan w/ licking herself? Why with the hand-licking? Does she have BBQ sauce on her hands or something? Countering goodness until Kaz goes kick, kick, Spinning Heel Kick. Petey sends Kaz out with a HARD Irish Whip. Slingshot
Headscissors to Kaz on the floor. More Rhaka licking JR's BBQ sauce off her hands. Either that or she is part cat. 6'4”
muscular cat girls FTW~? Counters galore, including a sweet cartwheel out of a Wave of the Future try. Kaz slingshots Petey
back in... into a Cutter!! That gets a close two. Kaz counters the Destroyer into that nifty as shit Piledriver variation.
Petey kicks out of the Wave of the Future? When people regularly kick out of both your regular AND super finishers, it is
time to go back to the drawing board. Even The Miz' stupid shitty finisher has a better success rate. Kaz kicks Petey's face
off, but Flux Capacitor tonight. No Sunset Powerbomb either. Just rollups until Petey gets ahold of the tights long enough
to get three. Kaz is...dejected. Hmm... I think I messed up somewhere on this match. Something is definitely out of order,
but I can't quite place it... Winner: Petey Williams Eric Young is being retarded again. Some brotherhood of justice meeting or something. He says he'll tell Borash about
it, but he can't tell anyone... wow, so much stupid. Eric says if Borash tells anyone anything, then he'll kill him. To my
future replacement, a word of advice... listening to Eric Young kills brain cells. Joe is in the back and Nash comes in to apologize about saying Booker couldn't beat Joe and it was only intended to
be motivational and says he beat Booker at the pay-per-view, but Joe is all doubting himself. There is a tambourine on the
bookcase. Sonjay wuz here. Beer money is whipping the shit out the production staff. Hmm... technical difficulties much? So was this commercial
here planned? To the back because apparently Sting is here... Is a super-stretch limo really Sting's style? Really? Kurt and Team
3D come out in Sting masks and trench-coats. Borash is perplexed. Fortunately stupidity is afoot nearby. Super Eric lives!
Great... just great. He's in a dark corner with Curry Man and SharkBoy to have a meeting as to how to get rid of the evil
in TNA. I guess Curry Shark are there because they have masks or something. When Eric leaves to drain his super hero gun (best
analogy for taking a piss ever, btw), Beer Money jumps Curry and Sharky, no doubt leading to a match next week where Beer
Money keeps the record flawless, as they have yet to win a match together since waaaay before they became a permanent team
(I believe the last time they won was against Eric Young and either Sonjay Dutt or Petey Williams MANY moons ago, and still
weren't really even a recognized team while Booker and Sting were pelting them with berries, especially Sting to Storm, so
yeah, it's been a while), despite being the top challengers to the tag titles. Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. Matt Morgan Jimmy loves you, Baltimore. Use protection. Rave tries to do something but gets leveled with the Mountain Bike Kick,
squished in the corner and Mount Morgan Dropped. Goodnight. Sometime in the match Hemme ran to the back. Winner: Matt Morgan Hemme brings back Lance Hoyt who theysay is now going by the name of Lance Rock. He talks for a few seconds and we
have anuddah match. Lance Hoyt... err Rock vs. Matt Morgan Lancelot gets caught and Fallaway
Slammed off a crossbody attempt, but fights back for a
bit, knocking Matt down a couple times after he raked
the eyes to escape an F-5attempt, while Hemme
distracted. It doesn't last long though. The Mountain
Bike Kick finds it's mark, and Mount Morgan Drop
folds...Lance... up... Goodnight Winner: Matt Morgan, with authority. Cornette is in the middle of angry, andin one possible case drunken, mob of loudly arguing Knockouts. Mother hen Traci
finally shuts everyone up. Kong has been dethroned and everyone wants a piece of Karen's Angle... coming next week. Soooooooo glad my run is almost over... Here comes Kurt Stingle, and Sting 3D. Back and here is the Angle unofficial AJ and Caged-Rhino are here and AJ trusts Sting's judgment and man is he struggling something fierce on the stick tonight.
Ray stops him and thinks they want a rematch so he says Tables Match at whatever the next pay-per-view is. But Cage
is on the stick now and calls Ray Silent Bob. I see no need to insult Silent Bob like that, but whatever. He says next week
we're gonna have a6-Man Elimination Tables Match. Rhino... get the tables! Ten Woman Knockout Gauntlet Match- Gail and Jackie
start it out. Gail gets rolling after some back &forth, but as time winds down Jackie busts out the moveset and catches
GK in the Gogoplata! The JACKIETAKAHHHHHH! Love is in next shoves Jackie off of Gail in the corner and lays in her own beatdown.
Jackie is all like no you di'int, and they get into a shoving match until Kim double clotheslines them down. Here comes During the break three went out. Hemme, Traci, and 7'4” Rhaka. Okay okay, I'm done. So is she. The last bunch
go out pretty quickly until it's down to the Decent Looking People and Gail. The numbers game works reasonably well until
Gail ducks out of a Love Bicycle Kick that catches all of Velvy-welvy. Gail and Love end up on the apron, where GK eliminates
Love, but back in she is distracted by jawing with Love long enough for Sky to pick up the W with a quick rollup. Winner: Velvet Sky New champ The Wilde Thing certainly
hasher work cut out for her to drag a passable match out
of Velvy, who has yet to look competent beyond the
occasional submission moves. Booker is back in his pimped out
locker room talking to Borash and going through a book
with pictures of everyone on the roster apparently
(where can I get this book?), and chooses to take on
Consequences Creed, recognizing the name Creed from the
Rocky movies, and calls for an ambulance, because it's
gonna be a STRETCHER MATCH~! Lethal is at his Macho Man best,
and Val is all like Sonjay has feelings too, which is
just... wow. Let's Push Forward Lethal/Sonjay
Feud With a Pointless Three-Way Match, Match-
Pyro- 208; Eric Young- 0... Devine
laughs his ass off. Don West tells us what he thinks of
women and their annoying emotions. Should've put up a
disclaimer that Don West views don't represent TNA or
Spike... but then Irealized this is Spike, so they
might've told him to say it. No man on woman violence,
unless it's a verbal beatdown. But Val is just being
ri-doc-ulous, that can't be denied. Enough useless
filler? Good. Some chicanery between Sonjay and Devine
trying to get sneaky on each other after they took care
of E-tard for a bit. Sonjay gets sent out while Devine
lays in a whoopin' on EY until he finally gets around to
fighting back. He hits the DVD on Devine but gets
chop-blocked by Sonjay for a quick pin. Now we get to
the whole point of the last couple minutes. Winner: “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt Machismo is out and goes ape-shit
on Dutt until Devine gets helps out
Dutt. But Macho Jay just steamrolls them and continues
violently beating on Guru ignoring Val's pleas tostop
when she comes out. Jay has a chair but Val takes it
away. As she walks away Guru takes the chair and nails
the ringpost, tosses Machismo the chair and hits the
deck ala Eddie Guerrero. I would've liked to here the
Spanish commentary on that. Anyone know if Hector
acknowledged it? Anyway, Val bought the shit out of
Guru's deviousness despite a pretty bad acting job and
calls Jay an animal and runs away crying. Show her the
tape, Jay! For the love of all that's holy and the last
few brain-cells that Eric Young talking didn't kill,
show her the tape! Here come Beer Money. They look for
someone to whip in the crowd and find a guy wearing an
LAX shirt andlay the straps to him. The refs get
strapped when they come out. Scott D'Amore and Pat
Kenney come out to try and get them to stop and you know
how that goes. The last image we'll have of D'amore in
TNAfor the foreseeable future is of him being chased
away with his pantsfalling down and blurred out
asscrack. Fuck you, TNA! Beer Money chases them up
around the Spanish announce table and see Hector. Hector
is ready for action, and by action, I mean getting the
shit strapped out of him. They finally get him to the
ring, cuff him to a turnbuckle and whip the shit out of
him there for awhile too before Homicide, Hernandez
& Salinas can get there to make the save. Can
Homicide and Hernandez ever get to the ring in a
reasonable amount of time. What, were they too busy
“tag-teaming” Angle's unofficial Consequences Creed is giddy over
his shot tonight. And hey, he's definitely rockin' the
Apollo Creed red, white, & blue. What an incredible,
almost impossible, incredibly unlikely coincidence! Stretcher Match-
Not really WorldHeavyweight
Champion Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Consequences Creed w/
awesome entrance music Booker uses his size and experience
and works puffy hair over with hard shots in the corner
and across to another. Consequences fights back and hits
a Rolling Clothesline and Crossbody. Booker rolls out,
dazed, and we roll into the commercial, also dazed. Back and Creed starts his punch
combo, but Booker Roundhouses him into the next county.
Booker continues the beatdown and hits a Superkick and
the Ax Kick. All Book's shots have more than a little
extra something tonight. He drags the kid outside and
slams him into stuff until he's too out of it to get off
the stretcher. The camera shot from above looking down
at Creed is brilliant and shows the kid looking so
messed up you know he won't begetting up from this
beating. The EMTs roll him out to the ambulance followed
by Booker and the bell rings. Winner: Booker T Book lays in a few more shots to
the prone kid and Sharmell opens the back of the
ambulance, only toscream in horror when Samoa Joe pops
out. He punches Booker a couple of times and throws him
in the back. That's it? Just a couple of punches? Weak
sauce dude. Sharmell goes to hit Joe but he catches her
and grabs away... the black baseball bat.
OOOooooOOOOOOooomysterious. She runs away when he
screams where did you get this. See You, Space Cowboy. Only two more weeks and I can blow
this popsicle stand. But I've got more pressing things
on my mind, quite honestly, so the snuff might not be up
this week.
TNA
IMPACT
The Sweet One
returns. Did anyone even notice I was gone? Three more
weeks and someone else gets to handle this mess called
TNA iMPACT!. Get your submissions sent in ASAP if you
want my job. Beer Money/LAX
video. “Victory Road Drive-By” is the stupid titale of
tonight's episode. Homicide and
Robert Roode start us up with a parking lot brawl.
Punchfest 2008 and Homicide beats down Roode on the hood
of a vehicle. Homicide scores with a trashcan, but he
takes too long to press the attack and gets kicked down.
Back & forth we go with lots of slamming each other
into stuff and a few weapons. Homicide attempts to live
up to his name and tries for the Gringo Killer in the
parking lot. Jackie quite possibly literally saves
Roode's life by breaking that up. A masked guy fitting
the description of James Storm attacks Attempted Murder
(had to downgrade Homicide for not getting the job
done). 3-on-1 beatery continues on the Attempted Murder
and they handcuff him. Might just be a natural reaction
to his name. I dunno. Storm does reveal himself to be
the attacker and damn but he pulls off the LAX-esque
style worse than old man Sting. They drag Attempted
Murder into the building and down to the ring. Belt
whipping's ensue until Hernandez comes out and cleans
house like a violent maid. They are usually Hispanic in
the movies. Pity thou for not having the photoshopping
skillz to put Hernandez in maid attire. What were we
talking about? I dunno, but Sting is up in the rafters
for... some reason? X-Cup video
and Mexico leads with tres points. World X-Cup match- Team Japan's
Masato Yoshino vs. Team International's Doug
Williams Doug E. Pale
uses his strength as Tenay talks about his credentials
and whatnot. 35 year's old? No shit? Yoshino makes with
the really fucking fast for a short offensive outburst.
Hmm... like turrets. He rins into a knee and gets
Springboard kneedrop. The always underutilised Gutwrench
suplex by Williams. Yoshino fights back and hits a
HUUUUGE Missile Dropkick that gets two. Williams
crotches Yoshino and scores a Super Double Underhook
Suplex. Rollup into a sick Bridging German Suplex for
the win and two points that get Team International on
the board. Wikipedia calls this the Chaos
Theory. Winner: Doug
Williams Angle bitches
out Sky Lovin' and they give JB a boner and bag him for
it. -20 to IQ. Earlier today
Sonjay was teaching a class or something and Machismo
came running and beat the shit out him until the kids
stepped between them. LAME! Tenay and West
finally get around to running down the rest of tonight's
card. Taylor talks & is nervous & shit. I wasn't
really... remotely impressed the first time she fought
Kong. I was just wondering why she was the one they
chose to do this with. Lets see if the second time
around is better than the first. Rough Cut:
Matt Morgan Edition Doing it how he wants to do it.
Cornette says he is on the right track. Angle says he
can be a main event attraction that doesn't need a belt.
You're probably not going to be Falls Count Anywhere 6 Random Man
Lets Get Matt Morgan Over (Future Me: Or not...) Match-
Kip James, TNA X-Division Champion Petey Williams w/
Rhaka Khan, and Tomko vs. BG James, Eric Young, and Matt
Morgan Tomko beats
the shit out of BG outside while Kip gets murderized
inside by Morgan. Tomko and Petey don't get very far on
Tomko outside. EY and Petey go into the crowd. BG beats
up Kip goes into the crowd and saves EY soon after.
Rocker Dropper on the ramp from Kip to BG. Morgan saves.
I can't keep up wit' dis shit. Somehow we end up with a
suicide dive try by EY, but Tomko has the lead pipe and
catches not so super Eric in the throat on said dive.
Ring to floor Slingshot 'Rana from Petey to Young and
the team of Petey, Tomko, and Kip “Why Are You Even
Here? Go Away!” James get the winner's share of the
purse. Winners: Petey
Williams, Tomko, & Kip James The villains
look to continue the beatdown, but Abyss returns to make
the save. After the house is cleaned he picks up the
pipe, but tosses it away, unnerved by it. Teh germs!
What the hell? This match didn't make a lick of sense...
And it looks like Abyss is getting even more fucked
up... Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome
Kong At least Tay's
got some pretty decent music. Kong starts
strong and fast but Tay fires back and pounds the shit
outta The Konger, but gets shoved away. Tay hits a jumpy
kick thing. Saeed interferes and Roxxi comes out... for
some reason. I guess to watch Taylor's back, but why?!
Is she getting a few thousand dollars of the $25,000 if
The Wilde Thing wins? Is that money in the briefcase
even real? Kinda looks like the M. Bison money from the
live action Street Fighter movie. Back to Kong
mauling Taylor. Stop saying yes, Tenay, you fucking
nincompoop. Kong smashes Tay in the corner. Ouch... Can
you say squish? Body slam but Kong misses the second
rope splash. Dropkicks from Tay-Tay. Missile Dropkick!
Wow, that caught Kong right in the face... Kong isn't
out of it yet though. Don't even bother trying kick out
Kong's legs. Taylor the plucky floats over the Awesome
Bomb attempt into an as if Sunset Flip. She moves out of
the way of the butt drop and Kong's butt meets canvas.
Basement dropkick from Spunky T. Tay tries for a...
German Suplex?! Ahahahahahahano. Kong scores a HUGE
Implant Buster but only gets two. She can't believe it.
Taylor gets caught in the combo leading up to the
Spinning Back Fist but gets the rollup... for the win??
Yippee skippy. The match was much better this time
though. Roxxi plays no role. Winner: and
NEW TNA Knockouts Champion... Taylor Wilde.
W00t? Team TNA
Captain Kaz says stuff. Tonight, it's about
pride. X-Cup Match- Team Mexico's Ultimo
Guerrero vs. Team TNA's Kaz Ultimo and Kaz
go back & forth but Kaz gets a couple armdrags.
Super Front Suplex by Ultimo, who is no small man. His
Wikipedia page says 5'8”/210... liar! If Kaz is the same
6'0”/220 (his Wiki page has him billed at 6'1”/225, btw)
the Tale of the Tape from his first WHC match with Angle
billed him at, then Ultimo G is at least 5'10”/235.
Something(s) is amiss somewhere. Just sayin'. Team TNA
is on the ramp cheering their captain on. Super Inverted
Suplex gets another near fall. Single Leg Dropkick gets
Kaz back into it. Kick combo gets Kaz two. Kaz blows a
springboard and hurts himself, but he's not out. Somehow
they end up up top and Kaz can't get a Flux Capacitor,
but tries a Frankensteiner. Ultimo won't go and brings
him back up for a Super Powerbomb but still can't get a
three count. Kaz gets the pin from a Wave of the Footure
off a missed moonsault. An ugly one at that. No Lanny
Poffo here. Game Set! Winner:
Kaz AJ, Gail,
& ODB speak. AJ says tonight is about the ladies.
Gail will deliver a wrestling lesson Love won't soon
forget. ODB wants to give someone a facial. What else is
new? Victory Road
card gets the rundown. Cornette is out and gives Kong
her rematch against The Wilde Thing at the
PPV. Joe/T vid with
a faaaaaaaar too generous helping of Nash on the side.
Here's the King for his public apology. Booker is one
sharp dressed man. He calls out Joe and even though
nobody seems to know wtf Booker's deal is tonight, Joe's
music kicks in immediately and Joe is out
immediately. Booker says he
respects Joe and wants to apologize for his past actions
and apologizes what's going to happen in Houston. He
says Big Immobile is right about Joe not being able to
beat him. He calls Joe a paper champ. He asks who Joe
has beaten and says he has beaten Rick Martel, Stone
Cold Steve Austin, and Chris Jericho. I dunno if Joe can
match that list, but I think he could put together a
pretty damn decent list. He says it's just business, and
they shake hands... but Joe brings him back and says
says Booker is gonna be sorry the name Joe ever crossed
his lips. Sting is out of the rafters and hits the ring.
He says he'll be at Victory Road. Booker thinks Sting
wants the winner, but Sting just says those are Booker's
words and not his. Then he leaves. That's it? Kim & Love
speak on each other. Sometime in the past few minutes
Kurt bitched out Angie and Velvy again cuz they were
tanning instead of getting ready. I should really pay
more attention and at least mark my place. Maybe next
time, but probably not. :/ Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Kurt
Angle w/ duct tape and paper clips holding his body
together vs. ODB, Gail Kim, and AJ
Styles ODB absorb a
couple Love-ly forearms and hits a Short Arm
Clothesline. Shades of Jake Roberts! And the way she
drinks... her liver is probably a similar shade of
Jake's too? Shut up, you would've gone there too.
Fallaway Slam! Love tags out to Sky who runs right into
a drop toe hold. Dumb blonde. She does get a couple
shots in before eating a rather swank flying corner
clothesline from the Gail. Lucha Armdrag! Kurt is in and
so is AJ. Knee Drop by AJ and that wicked Dropkick of
his. Here comes Trigg. Here comes Karen. Here comes
commercials. Here comes trouble. Back and Kurt
is on O. Body Scissors and chinlock by Kurt. AJ got
whooped upon during the commercial. Both men go down and
fight their way back up. European Uppercut from Kurt and
a discus clothesline from AJ. Backbody out of the Styles
Clash try. Pele! Somewhat subdued reaction from DW
tonight. Must be nursing a hangover or something. Double
Clothesline and both guys are back diwn again. All fiur
Knockouts are in and in the chaos there is no Happy
Ending for Sky when Kim hits her with the Straight
Jacket Neckbreaker. Game Set! Winners: Gail
Kim, Oddibe, and AJ Styles Post Match
Shenanigans! The bad guys attack in unison. ODB is down
& out onto the floor. Love & Sky bag GK, and
Kurt is about to hurt AJ real bad until Karen blows him
low... uhh, yeah. Kurtle gets set up for the clash, but
Trigg puts an end to that. Angle Locks the Ankle but I
require a sample. Almost every show for the last two
months has ended with AJ in an Ankle Lock. How can he
even be able to walk after being Ankle Lock'd so
frequently and for extended periods. That's supposed to
be a seriously damaging hold. Is AJ building up an
immunity? Is he like a mad genius or something,
purposely getting trapped so that when the last epic
one-on-one showdown is in it's closing moments, he can
withstand move and pull out the shocking victory from
seemingly nowhere (PELE~!1111)? He wasn't selling it
quite like death this week. Charley
wonders... One last,
final last hard sell for Victory Road! Looks good, but I
smell more than one bullshitty finish. Not too bad at
all tonight. Maybe not spectacular, but pretty solid go
home show. Get those
sample recap submissions in to the contact address below
if you want to be the next recapper to not be paid for
spending upwards of six hours (as much as 10 if you are
as slow and unfocused as me) recapping a psychotically
random wrestling show. It's... better than it sounds? A
little.
:Pwalking wrestling by then
Kurt, so what are you so concerned about him carrying
the belt for?
TNA
IMPACT
At
any rate, send your sample recaps to the address at the
end of my recaps if you want to be my successor. Hey,
why are you running away? Come back!! Grrr... Lets make
an iMPACT!... Tonight's show is dedicated to the
memory of Kevin “Angus” Sinex. That is the guy that fell
from a scaffold and died just after Slammiversery went
off the air. Tonight's stupid episode title is
mildly disturbing; “I Put A Hit Out On My
Wife”. TNA
World Heavyweight Championship Curtain Jerker Match- Kaz
vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Samoa
Joe Kaz
starts strong and doesn't fall for the walking away from
the blind leap bit and sweeps the legs. Standoff. Crowd
is hawter than normal. Like on the live episode. Joe
with an enzuigiri and back & forth we go. Swinging
Neckbreaker from Kaz. Hmm... almost missed it. Sweaty
Joe. Kaz continues to take it to Joe but can't score the
Wave of the Stupidly Named Finisher that Only Finishes
About Half the Time, and takes that Snap Powerslam.
Powerbomb for a near fall by Joe. Kaz makes his
comeback, complete with single leg dropkick, but gets
Pele'd without the full flip when he goes up top. Kaz
escapes the Muscle Buster try and gets a very near fall
on uhh... *something*. Looked cool, but dunno the name.
Sowee. Joe is dazed but blocks the DDT and sets Kaz up
top and scores the muscle buster and that is all she
wrote. Winner: and STILL (as if you
thought Kaz was going to win) TNA Heavyweight Champion
of the World... SAMOA JOE! Booker T comes out to confront the
champ as we hit the break. Back and Booker says Joe just beat
Kaz, whoopty doo. Booker is a burying machine. Even
Triple H is impressed probably. He says he had Joe beat
till Nash screwed him over. Booker tells Joe to explain
what the hell's up wit dat. Can Joe look him in the eyes
and say he beat him fair & square. As I understand,
despite the boos and “you suck” chant he finally is
getting, Booker's points here are pretty
valid. Kurt bitches out Lauren and put a
hit out on Karen with the Knockouts. Blah blah blah.
Blah? Blah. He's angry Kurt tonight at least. Daivari is the captain of Team
International. He cuts what is I assume a pretty good
promo in some moon man language, mentioning his Team
International mates and stuff, but the subtitles were
all out of sync, so I dunno. Saeed says next week blood will be
shed. World
X Cup Preview Match- Team Japan's Masato Yoshino and
Naroki Doi (Speed Muscle) vs. Team TNA's Chris Sabin and
Alex Shelley (Motor City Machine
Guns) I
know very little about Yoshino & Doi, except they
are probably even fastester(!) than the MCMG. I think
I'm going to cry... And apologies up front because I'll
probably get their names wrong a time or eight. I'll
probably get Yoshino and Doi wrong as well.
;P Shelley and Doi counter each other
a bunch and tag out. Yoshino runs really really fast and
dropkicks Sabin, but spinning heel kick. The Guns double
team, then Alex gets caught in an awesome crazy spinny
Octopus Hold. Yoshino and Doi work over Shelley's arm
and doubleteam liberally, not unlike what the Guns are
known for. Doi gets a senton from the top on Shelley
being held up by Yoshino and the ropes. Nice. Shelley
finally gets the tag after escaping some more double
teaming in a corner, and Sabin goes bananas and finally
gets the Springboard Clothesline. One of the Asian dudes
ducks and the MCMG clothesline each other. Doi with a
Brainbuster on... uhh, it was either Shelley or Sabin. I
think anyway, this match is really damn fast. Coulda
been Sonjay Dutt for all I know at this point. Sabin(?)
gets a Tarantula/Dropkick double team hurtin' put on
him. Sabin(?) gets fucked up in the tree of woe in the
corner. Yoshino eats that double team move that I'm
gonna call the Cuttinator until I know otherwise. The
Guns finally put him away with a Double Superkick.
Fucking hell that was fast paced. Winners: MCMG... bleh Karen speaks but I don't care. She
is an official TNA talent I guess now though. It was
mentioned when Lauren talked to Kurt, so I should
probably put this up there, but I'm muuuuch too lazy.
The Beautiful People come in talk shit at Karen and go
to bag her when AJ comes in. He says anyone who wants a
piece of Karen has to go through them. They talk shit at
him too and tell him if he ever wants real women to give
them a call. Uhh. Nash talks in the back and doesn't
want to says Joe is the champ because of him. Joe comes
out to the ring and calls Joe out of the back. And
here's Nashley. Nash suggests they talk in private. Joe
tells Nash whatever he has to say, he can say it in
front of everybody. Nash says maybe a thank you is in
order for keeping the title on him. Joe says maybe Nash
should thank him for letting Big Immobile ride his
coattails. Nash says Joe can't beat Booker, because
Booker is in his head. JB
finds Kurt in conference with Team HGH (Allegedly),
Steiner, Petey, and Khaaaaaan. He is kicked ewt of the
room immediately. TNA
World Tag Team Championship Match- James Storm w/ Jackie
and Robert Roode vs. LAX with Hector
Guerrero Roode & Storm have maybe one or
two wins in at least a half dozen matches as a team.
Totally deserving of a title shot. Jeez, you might as
well give The Rock & Rave Infection a shot with that
kind of record. Roode uses his strength but gets
outwrestled, hiptossed and kicked before fighting back.
Storm comes into a drop toe hold.
Shoulderblock/Clothesline combo and a Vader attack from
the big man and Storm is getting killed until Roode
pulls Homicide off the corner mounted punches throat
first onto the ropes. Jackie chokes him with her belt
while the ref is distracted on two different occasions.
Ed Leslie High Knee from Storm. Two count only and again
only two when he tries to pin again. Hot tag to
Hernandez, Slingshot Shoulderblocks, Powerslams, and
throwing people across the ring via a shirt wrapped
around their neck ensues. Storm got Gringo Cut on the
apron but is back in in time to wrap Jackie's belt
around his boot (allegedly the buckle was on the bottom
of the boot) and hit his finishing Superkick on
Hernandez while he had Roode up for the Border Toss.
Roode makes the pin? Winners: Roode Storm Hector argues vehemently with the
ref that Storm cheated. Back from the break and the ref
restarted the match after seeing a replay and the bad
guys try to keep the big man down. Backbreaker on Storm
and a Senton from the top to Roode, courtesy of
Homicide. Regular Sitdown Powerbomb on Storm (I think)
ends the match and LAX retain. Winners: LAX I guess Roode lays out everybody with a
chair, Hector included. Team 3D's hands are harder than
a chair wielded by Roode apparently, because he ain't
bleeding from the shot. That old TNA staple the
handcuffs come into play as LAX get cuffed in three
corners. Beltings for all three of tonight's LAX
representatives. Jackie whips Hector like it's WCW
1996-97 all over again. Holla if you remember what the
hell I'm talking about. Knockouts are fighting in the back.
Velvet and Angie are fighting Gail and someone else.
Commercial. Velvet
Sky vs. Gail Kim Brawling starts before the bell.
Gail starts strong. Lucha armdrag! Which means her
offense ends right about... now. Sky gets the low
dropkick to the injured knee, knocking Gail off the
apron. She slams Gail's knee into the post. Gail can't
put the pressure on her knee and a second Lucha armdrag
attempt doesn't get very far. Figure Four by Sky and she
finally looks a little better than competent. Sky might
be a decent technical wrestler, because submission moves
are about all I've seen that looks good from her since
she started in TNA. Gail turns it over after a short
while and Velvy breaks. Gail comes back with
clotheslines and gets two off the flippy Neckbreaker
thing from up top. Missile Dropkick completely misses
though. V. Sky goes for the bag, but not this week.
Happy Ending gets three! Gail no sell knee good. I can't
fault her though, I can't kick for shit with my other
leg either. Winner: Gail Kim Gail bags Sky post
match. Roode says consider what they did a
drive by. Storm says they have the money and the beer.
Roode gags on the beer. Storm says he's from the
mountains of Tennessee and drives a '75 Ford truck with
a shotgun in the back. They are totally hyped up. I
couldn't even catch the end of it. World
X-Cup Preview Match- Team International's Alex Koslov
vs. Team TNA's Curry Man Great info on Koslov from Tenay.
And he also lets us know Curry Man is full time TNA, and
thus gets to be on TNA's team. Curry starts off hot, then we get a
lil danceoff. Squee. Curry Man gets a drop toe hold and
dances on Kozzy's back. Hip Check and a Slingshot
Suplex. Koslov gets a short Arm Powerslam off the Spice
Rack attempt. Russian Legsweep. Huge Slingshot Splash
wins it for Koslov. Winner: Alex Koslov Sonjay Dutt has no comment on his
actions. Joe comes in and he and Booker show mild
respect towards each other and Booker gets the title
match in his hometown. Joe says it does smell like piss
in there and throws Book the keys to his locker
room. Sonjay Dutt is out with a live mic.
He dedicates this match to Val. He's kinda spazzy and
crazy-eyed, kinda like Chuck Palumbo when he went Cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs, but slightly more controlled and subtle
at least. Sonjay
Dutt vs. Consequences Creed Prematurely Balding Dutt is jealous
of Creed's hair. Creed gets the punch combo and dances.
Springboard Crossbody from the noob Creed. Bulldog-ish
thing into the top turnbuckle/Seesaw Kick combo by Dutt.
Big springboard dropkick and Dutt is in control until
Creed slams into Dutt in a hurry in the opposite corner
after taking a clothesline in the opposite corner. Tenay
and West spazzed out at his closing speed. Kneebutt? Low
blow by Dutt. Body Slam. Hindu Press (450 Splash,
because you've probably forgotten... since he hasn't
done the move since before I started recappin' dis
clustafuck show!) wins it. Winner: Sonjay Dutt Macho Jay comes out and attacks
Dutt until he escapes. He then shouts incoherently at
his former buddy. I guess they will have a match next
week or something. Lumberjack Match- Kurt Angle vs. AJ
Styles... The 'Jacks are Team 3D, Tomko, Christian Cage,
Rhino, and Matt Morgan. Frank Trigg is heelin' it up on
commentary. AJ
starts hot and Angle goes out on the wrong side and gets
smacked around by Caged Rhino. Quick rollup gets AJ two.
Angle charges and gets sent out to the floor again and
Morgan gets a shot in on him this time too. Huge
Springboard Forearm on Angle's shiny bald head, and back
to the head. AJ gets sent out on the heel side but
avoids their contact. Kurt's dropkick fails and another
2 for AJ. AJ's Dropkick connects though. Some shots from
AJ in the corner and Angle throws him out. No escape
this time and the good guys try to help AJ out. 3D-B on
Rhino on the outside. Angle hits a suplex for two. Rhino
had to be taken away after the 3D-B. Discus clothesline
and a regular one. Hammerlock Suplex thing gets two for
AJ. AJ armdrags out of the Angle Slam try Spinout
Powerbomb almost gets the win. Rana pin, ref distracted
by the good guys. Good is dumb. Ray distracts and clubs
AJ and Kurt hits his self titled slam this time... and
that's it? Really? Winner: Kurt Angle Trigg was awesome as always, btw.
No more Hermie Sadler... EVAR! The
bad guys outnumber the faces and beat them up. They get
the tables, but Abyss makes his return. He's wearing
white so you know he is a good guy. He cleans house on
the dastardly villains and stops Tomko's attempt at
Chokebombing him through the table, Choke Slamming the
big scary goatman through it instead. Everybody fights
to the outside while AJ sets up the table and puts Kurt
on it after a PELE~!!! Outta nowhere! Kurt was playing
possum though, and AJ misses the splash through the
table. Angle calmly puts the Ankle Lock on until newly
officially signed Karen comes out. She dares him to hit
her, but here comes Awesome Kong. Karen is too stupid to
run away until it's too late. Dingy broad. She gets
layed out with one punch by the Knockouts Champ. I for
one think she deserved it for not running away. She
didn't get Powerbombed or backfisted (LOLZ~!!) or even
Implant Bustered though, so she got off (hehe) easy
enough. Pretty good episode of iMPACT!.
Tons and tons of serviceable to exceptional wrestling,
and minimal unnecessary bullshit. Hire Frank Trigg
permenantly please TNA. He was awesome yet again on
commentary. His heelishness is awesome and quite
honestly... refreshing. Judging by the MCMG winning,
Daivari's serious promo, and whooping Curry Man received
from Koslov, this year's X-Cup looks like it will come
down to Team TNA and Team International. (Dino)
Sendoff: You've only got me for a few
more weeks. Enjoy it. Or not.
Byeeeeee!
TNA
IMPACT
Fly in the Face of
Continuity King of the
Mountain Preview Match- Booker “Royal” T and Robert
Roode vs. Caged Rhino
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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