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by Charley Martin

I'm missing a Cubs game for this bullshit. It better be damn good.

AJ's Revenge is tonight's episode title.

Brother Ray muses about if he, Devon, Booker, Tomko, and Kurt are really the bad guys because AJ is an adulterer, all while pimping the forthcoming trading card set (from TRISTAR~!! Jejeje). They should make that bigger than life-size AJ card with Ray boot prints in available via a redemption card. Booker complains and says he is royalty or Royal T or some such silliness and sticks his pinky up. Still not getting booed all that much. Devon starts in on LAX but Hector channeling Eddie brings out the champs and is rather difficult to understand. It seems LAX gets Team 3D at Slamiversary which doesn't make a whole lot of sense really (how bad would you want of piece of two guys that thoroughly beat the shit out of you when you are already the champ?), but why wait till tomorrow to do what you can do today, homes? Then Cage and Rhino come out and Cage talks shit in Booker's direction and says he and Rhino will both make it to King of the Mountain. Then Samoa Joe goes up in the crowd and talks shit at Booker and everybody else who wants some. Then all the good guys hit the ring, but the heels escape because good = stupid. AJ comes out with a chair and kicks 3D ass, though he didn't connect with his chairshot on Bookah.

Karen is in the back with JB and I can't help but not care. Take me back to the brawl you impudent fools. Apparently AJ wants clear the air later. She calls thing a whole stupid mess. Interesting choice of words.

Ace Young is hanging out with the would be Mega Powers. Good for him? He'll be entertaining at the wedding. Allegedly. Machismo is even more distracted than usual. Sonjay loses the subtlety talking about getting cold feet. Val is all like wtf? I think I passed out from the inaneness. Ace has a surprise after their revenge match against the Rock & Rave Infection.

Kong will kill some bitches in the crowd again tonight. Woo.

Hermie Sadler joins the guys for this match for some reason. It's not like he's terrible, but why??

Rock & Rave Rejection w/ Hemme vs. The Mega Shrimps w/ Val & Ace

Rave and Dutt go back & forth to start and Sonjay hits a crazy spinny Head Scissors. Miscommunication between Dutt and Machismo on the tag, but the R&RI can't capitalize for more than a few seconds because they pretty much suck. I think they only have about four wins since they started teaming up, and they wrestle almost every freaking week. At least the small guy gets better treatment than most other tag teams with the big/small dynamic. Rave has scored all of their pinfalls and hasn't taken all of their losses. Oh right, there be match going on. Hiptoss/Basement Dropkick from Macho Lethal. More communication problems for the Mega Cruiserweights and Hoyt makes them pay with a big boot to the back of Sonjay's head that knocks him into Lethal who goes careening outta da ring. Huge German Suplex sends Dutt all the way across the ring brain dead guitar hero lunatics beat him up until he makes the hot tag. Springboard Dropkick from Machismo

Back and the Mach' is making like he's all suspicious, but just wants Sonjay accept being his best man after not doing so for a week and he accepts. Ace is a happy panda and mentions a bachelor party next week. Val makes that wtf expession again (Hidden Highlight FTW!), and Ace shows us a Machismo/Val-centric music video for a song called Addicted. Awesome beyond words. And the song ain't half bad either.

40 minutes have passed already? Holy shit in a fishbowl, that opening segment had to have been a good 20+ minutes long.

The self proclaimed Beautiful People put a bag over Lauren's (is that her name? I don't really care because she isn't Crystal, but it'd be slightly helpful to know) head and talk shit in Roxxi's (and anyone else who gets in their way) direction. Now seductively kiss the camera or something. Thank you Sky.

Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. Roxxi Laveaux

Roxxi attacks hard. Corner hipcheck and a clothesline and more beatdown. Sky runs interference Roxxi gives chase, allowing Angie to her bearings back and lay Roxxi oot. She bicycle kick Roxxi rather hard and throws a fit when she doesn't get the pin. Roxxi catches Love off an Irish Whip and hits the Fallaway Slam all in one motion. That was swank. Roxxi with a discus forearm and a Big Boot gets two. Sky is on the apron but gets knocked on her ass. Love counters the Voodoo Drop and Sky sprays her in the face... with hairspray. Reverse Leaping STO thing and it's Lights Out for Roxxi.

Winner: Angelina Love

Sky Love bag Roxxi and beat her up until Gail Kim and ODB slowly make their way to the ring because Gail is on crutches. After a few seconds ODB just grabs one of the crutches and chases Love and Sky away.

I imagine this conversation taking place:
ODB: We can't make it fast enough! Quick, gimme your crutch!

Gail Kim: What? Hey, I need that to walk!

Cornette chews out Borash for the Awesome Kong killing a fan, until he shows Cornette that is was the only segment that didn't tank in the ratings highest rated segment on the show. Booker comes in with Ray & Devon to complain and says he'll be taking over JC's office. Cornette has to go to the ring, and suggests that they be gone when he gets back.

Eric Young is at Sun Studio to in search of Elvis. I might be in the minority, but I'm kinda enjoying this. Maybe it's because while he's elsewhere, there is no Super Eric to be annoying. Whatev.

Cornette talks about the Slammiversary card and tells Team 3DT they better be gone when he gets back there. Out comes Kevin Nash, who asks him how he plans to get rid of them. Security? Nash says the security sucks and that they couldn't keep the fans at Jonas Brothers contest in check. Winner: Genre Savvy. He offers his services in getting rid of them in exchange for being the Special Enforcer for the King of the Mountain Match at Slammiversary. Cornette accepts, and even asks nicely for Nash's help when Big Immobile wants him to.

Allegedly disturbing footage from Abyss. He gets to go home in ten days. Woo, can we get some fucking wrestling now please? PLEASE! Two matches accounting for probably 8 minutes in an hour and ten is unacceptable.

Lela Bates of Kentucky gets murderized tonight. Just sick. Awesome Bomb ends it mercifully, though incredibly brutally. Another sick bomb that turned the kid inside out.

Kevin Nash tries to talk Team 3DT outta Cornette's office, but when it fails he brings his backup, a Louisville Slugger. Swinging it wildly gets the job done.

A Rhino/James Storm video gets interrupted by Rhino beating up Storm with weapons somewhere in the back until Jackie hits him in the back with a shovel. Commercial. Go dream about when wrestling didn't suck for a couple minutes, you punch drunk idiot. Wha?! Why did I write that?

Back and the fight makes it out to ringside and goes back & forth for a few minutes until Storm gets the advantage and throws Rhinomonkey in the ring to get the match under way.

King of the Mountain Qualifying Match... Already in Progress Kinda- James Storm w/ Jackie vs. Rhino w/ above average hygiene for a Rhino?

Rope assisted enzuigiri from Storm. Knee something or other/Neckbreaker combo from Storm and he maintains control as we hit the break.

Rhino is heating up with a flying clothesline and corner shoulderblock and Belly to Belly, but misses a Gore and gets his head nearly Superkicked off. He falls to the floor though and Jackie and Storm bring him back in for no fucking reason! Another Last Call gets ducked and Rhino Gores him. I love the flip sell. That is all. What an incredibly stupid finish.

Winner: Rhino

Tomko has no remorse for what he did to AJ, and will wear Cage's blood just like he wore AJ's last week. If you didn't know... no. Christian, you're just dead! The way this man has with words... truly inspiring. Truly. ;'/

Winner: Extremely Condescending Comments -^_^-

“Big Scary Goatman” Tomko vs. “Good Talky Canadian” Christian Cage

Tomko gets Cage before the bell and pulls him off the second rope on his ass and chokes him with his own sparkly-sleeved jacket. Oh the humanity. Back & forth until Tomko cuts Cage off up top and Big Boots him off the second rope to the floor. Commercial.

Cage gets caught and Powerslammed for two. Cage fights out of a rest hold but runs into a back elbow. Gorilla Press into a Fallaway Slam. Cage is getting mauled. Cage gets sent to floor but doesn't really do anything there. Thanks a lot, Hebner. Delayed vertical Suplex gets a close fall. Cage gets a Tornado DDT. Decapitation Clothesline by Tomko. Countering galore. Tomko scores a Chokebomb. TKO, but Christian Cage will not die. He reverses another TKO attempt and hits an Unprettier out of nowhere for the W.

Winner: Christian Cage

AJ has two black eyes behind his sunglasses. He tells squirrelly JB to can it and he can find out what's what like the rest of us. Kurt is here too. Joy.

Karen comes out and AJ is nowhere to be seen after his pyro and music die down. Kurt beats the shit of him in the back. He comes out and gets up in her face until she slaps him. Faulty editing allows AJ to make it out to ringside and he beats on Kurt until the numbers game catches up with him when Team WWE-ject hits the ring to kill him some more. An exhausted Cage comes out to try to help, but gets next to nowhere and gets his AX Kicked. I guess Rhino and LAX couldn't bothered to help, because nobody else shows up for the good guys. So much for “AJ's Revenge”. Heels stand tall. Seeya next week everybody.

Lame finish that makes no sense two out of the last three weeks, with a good one sandwiched in between. WTF TNA? This show pretty much sucked a big one. I should've just watched the Cubs game.

(Dino) Sendoff: I'm not Wapanese, I swear!11


by Charley Martin

Less than one minute late this week. Good god I hope this shit is better than last week, but I'm not really, uh, hopeful. Especially since most the shittier moments from last week are shown just to make me even more pissed off. “Kurt & Karen: The Beginning... or the End?” is tonight's stupid episode title. I may have officially snapped after last week.

Brother Ray vs. Homicide... damn

Homicide starts hard and fast until Ray rakes the eyes, though it's only a brief reprieve until he runs into an elbow in the corner. Ray beats up Homicide for a bit, then misses a second rope sen-ton (Get it? 'Cause Ray is really fat! Like he weighs a ton. Hello? Anybody? *Le sigh*). Gringo Cutter connects. Devon comes in and ends it with a kendo stick shot.

Winner: Homicide by DQ, not that he's gonna look like a winner in a minute.

Hernandez makes the save until Booker T Superkicks him in the face. Homicide gets busted open and then gets power bombed through the table, and I can't... bring... myself... to give... a... flying... fuck.

When iMPACT! Starts with a match, it's rapidly becoming Fan Law that said match will end with a run in and beatdown, usually by Team 3D.

Karen tells jig dancingly happy to see her Jeremy Borash to expect the unexpected and Kong and Saeed give him threats and something to read. Something about a $25,000 challenge that makes him spazz out.

Video about the recent chaos Love and Sky have caused.

ODB's breasts are apparently real and filled with vodka. The more you know. The interviewer chick is forced to grab them and hang on for the whole segment. Good for her. Gail Kim has a strained MCL.

Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. ODB w/ Liquid Courage

DW and Tenay make vaguely unnerving comments about ODB's breasts.

ODB spits booze in Love's face. Angie hits a huge bicycle kick. That was swank. Cheap shots and nondescript offense commence until ODB can get back on offense and hit a Fallaway Slam. Love runs ODB into a Sky flask shot off a waistlock and makes the pin.

Winner: Angelina Love

Love and Sky are in the ring with the head shaver and an unconscious ODB. Sounds like last time I went to Wendy's. Here comes Roxxi. After absorbing a little double team, she takes out Sky and hits a Spinebuster on Angelina (not her cool capture one, more Double A), and she has the clippers, and nobody to stop her. Nobody but stupid Referee Rudy Charles, who takes them away. Love escapes. Rudy takes the Voodoo Drop. Spinal compression for you dumb sir.

Two qualifying matches for King of the Mountain. Awesome Kong's challenge is also on the menu. King of the Mountain match video hype!

AJ Styles is Samoa Joe's first pick. Rhino is next. Christian Cage is third. Fourth is... Booker T. Nash is upset. He doesn't like when people don't do what their told or some nonsense. Giant old guy's turn looks like it's coming soon.

Frank Trigg and Kurt Angle are hanging out and JB annoys Frank while the bald dopplegangers pee (vaguely gay backstage segments FTL!) and Kurt is goofy oblivious idiot jackass Kurt tonight. Great...

Ooh, I wonder if I can make one of the live events.

The Rock & Rave Infection audition to play at Machismo & Val's wedding. If you guessed this is a complete and utter trainwreck, like 20 times worse than the Monsters of Rock prematch interview segment from a few weeks ago, you are ohhh so right. Dutt says he has an American Idol finalist lined up to play. Ace something? Hoyt decked Machismo at as the segment ended.

Abyss speaks. I'm sure there was a point, but I dunno what it was. Kinda meandering. Going home or something?

Robert Roode cuts the promo of his life, riffing on TNA management, being held down for so long, Booker T, and his opponent tonight Matt Morgan, and how he will overcome him because he is smarter than him. Now he's going go out and get annihilated by Matt Morgan.

King of the Mountain Qualifying Match- Robert Roode vs. Matt Morgan

Roode uses his brains and speed to try and get the upper hand, but runs into a big boot. Matt misses the corner charge boot and Roode gets a big chop block and keeps the big man down somewhat successfully for a minute. Matt, uh, Morgan's up? Then he proceeds completely destroy Roode. Hebner causes distraction by trying to pull Matt off of Roode in the corner and Bobby uses his brain to yoink Morgan down and get his feet on the ropes to... steal the win?! Shocking.

Winner: Robert Roode. Intelligence & experience > brute strength. That's how paper beats rock, isn't it?

JB tries to get Kong and Saeed to reconsider Kong killing “random” people in the crowd. Not gonna happen, son.

Eric Young made it to Memphis sometime in the past week and commences his search for Elvis, even though some random guy tells him The King died over 30 years ago.

As the Angle Turns... DAMMIT!! Why?!?!

Kurt calls Karen down to the ring. Crowd chants Karen Styles at her. Kurt is an oblivious asshole. Karen says she wants a divorce. Kurt brings up AJ and she says their just friends. Kurt is on his knees begging. “We want AJ!” chant now. Karen leaves him in the ring begging. The crowd is pleased.

Get the Best of TNA 2007 on DVD today! Yes, there were enough good moments from 2007 to fill a DVD, smartass.

Fantastic video of Petey Williams' ascension as Little Petey Pump and what it took to get there (lots and lots of torture).

AJ says he and Karen are just friends, and he had to find a partner for a couple matches while Tomko was out. SPEAKING of large scary bald muscle-y goatmen... here's Tomko himself. Tomko bitches at him and for once, AJ stands up for himself, and says he's sick of it. Tomko says he respects that, and he can go his own way, on his own. Tomko and Styles are no longer a team. Anticlimactic separation FTW!

Sting talks about Jeff Jarrett and back when Jeffy was a kid and met him and Hellwig for the first time.

Borash explains the rules of the King of the Mountain Match, and introduces the second qualifying match, but here comes Kong and Saeed. They threaten to beat his scrawny Ron Stoppable ass unless he announces their challenge. He does so and finds some cute chick named Melissa, who will die after the break.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed vs. Random Melissa

Kong kills Melissa. Hard. Better-Than-Batista Bomb (for old time's sake). Game Over. Melissa's knee hit herself in the face on the Awesome Bomb. I bet that hurt.

Ray talks. I don't care. Something about payback on LAX and Hector. Also he molests the interviewer chick a lil bit. The waters (fat guys?) part and Booker is intense! Booker is pissed off about his treatment and crappy locker room and knocks over a giant locker.

King of the Mountain Qualifying Match- Booker T vs. AJ Styles

AJ takes his crown, but tosses it away, making his face turn official. That was pretty damn cool actually.

Booker overpowers and puts the bad mouth on AJ in the corner. Booker lays in hard shots and in some more violent strikes in the corner. AJ dodges the hook kick and lays in some hard shots of his own. Huge flying forearm charge, but he misses the second, and Booker takes advantage. Wicked spin kick rocks AJ's world after he fights out of an armlock. Cool armlock and neck wrench thing from Booker. Huge dropkick from AJ. Tomko is most of the way down the ramp and nods approvingly it seems. HUGE Springboard Forearm Shot. Tomko interferes and makes AJ fall on another springboard attempt. Bad looking Book End gets it done. It looked like Styles slipped out of his grasp partially or something.

Winner: Booker T

Tomko is in the ring for some post match BS. After the break.

Back and Styles and Tomko have come to blows. Styles gets Tomko down and Team 3D are out to cause trouble, but Styles is on fire and fights them and Booker off until Tomko gets him from behind. From there he gets completely maimed and busted open by a necklace-wrapped Tomko fist, and then killed some more after. Karen comes out, but gets chased off by Ray. More killing of AJ ensues and he is bleeding a waterfall of blood from his forehead. Finally Karen brings out Kurt with a chair to make the save, but caresses the bloody remnants of AJ Styles and the bad guys point it out. Kurt is displeased though she tries to convince it's no big deal. AJ gets to his knees and Kurt puts him out of his misery with the sickest chair shot I've seen in a good while.

Better than last week, but that's damning tonight's episode with faint praise. It wasn't great, but showed that Booker, Team 3D, Tomko, The Self Proclaimed Beautiful People, Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed, and Robert Roode all mean serious business. The only faces that didn't come out of tonight looking like ass were Roxxi Laveaux, Matt Morgan, and AJ Styles, despite him getting an absolutely sick beating by 5 guys, that brings to mind Abyss' brutal multi-man beatdown from some time ago. His character has turned a corner for the better, so his murderizing at the hands of five plays well, assuming he didn't bleed to death after we went off the air. Best blade job since the last time Devon did one, so before I started recapping I think.

Much better, kid. Needs another 20 minutes of wrestling though. I'm not talking post match shenanigans either. WRES-A-LING.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night!: It was an all heel week in the iMPACT! Zone tonight. And all went over big (well Homicide technically beat Ray, but got destroyed for it). And yeah, I'm including Robert Roode in that, too. He stole one, but it was from Matt Morgan, and it was by using his intelligence and experience to overcome the adrenaline fueled giant. That was cool, and gave me a newfound respect for his character.

It was subtle amongst all the over-the-top gang violence tonight, but Roode went over the physically superior Morgan on his own, with no outside help. All he needed was his wits. This and the stellar promo he cut right before the match means that Robert Roode is your TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night! Congratulations, stinky. You narrowly beat AJ for this pointless award.

(Dino) Sendoff: Gwargh... I'm tired, and I've got a lot of shit to think about. I probably am too goddamn tightly wound for my own good. Until we meet again, anybody who should happen to read this half-assed piece of shit recap. Yeah, it's one of those self-loathing days. Peace. ;D

Michael "PS" Hayes: Actually, I didn't really half-ass it much. All the matches were really that damn short and forgettable. And the show still somehow managed to come out decent.


by Charley Martin

Two minutes late this week, but I have McDonald's, so I'm comfortable with it. :P
Let us make yon impact! Yay verily.

Samoa Joe is here to offer the roster the chance of a lifetime. Joe wanted to choose the participants who would try to make it to the King of teh Mountain Match, but they Cornette wasn't down, so they compromised and Cornette chose the first four guys, Robert Roode, and for some reason Sting's man bitch James Storm, Tomko, and of course Matt Morgan, leaving the other four for him to choose, and he will do so next week. He's lookin' for some baaaad dudes to pick for his four.

Here's apparently now heel Booker T wondering why he wasn't invited. He is still getting mostly cheered even though he has become tightly wound an in a perpetual bad mood. I mean, let's face it, being tightly wound and pissed off all the time doesn't make you a heel by itself. It's not what you've got, it's how you use it, babeh. Damn, I should really take my own advice there... Anyway, little talk smack and Booker attacks, only to be run off by Cage & Rhino.  Booker challenges them to a match.

Kurt is hanging out with Frank Trigg, who leaves when creepy little Borash shows up to bug Kurt. Kurtled has a speech for Karen later tonight. J-to-the-O-to-the-fucking-Y (no seriously, WHY?!?)...

Kaz talks, Almost evil Sonjay is happy and Machismo paces because has something on his mind... Oh yeh, Bal is there too.

Johnny Devine and the Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt, Kaz, and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal w/ So Cal Val

Why do I have to do an X-Division Match to to start? Sigh... at least it's not the Machine Guns. Dutt gets beat up to start us out. He's in full black, by the way. Darkness approaches... Dutt gets the tag to Lethal who comes in hot with an I think Springboard Missile Dropkick and does the Macho Jay signature moves and something happens that I either missed or that my throbbin' head doesn't want to remember, and the heels are back on top. Machismo's crossbody is caught by Hoyt. He plays air guitar on the Lethal one's arrrrrrrse and a fallaway slam. Dutt gets a sketchy counter everything hot tag and Kax takes care of Hoyt with a kick. Anticlimax, FTW~!

Winners: The Guru Kaz Machismo

Jay pulls a little white box from his fanny pack and drops down to a knee before Val. Don West says he hopes Jay thought this through and Tenay is all like what, yes, the fuck, Don West? Jay asks Val to marry him. She says ohhhhh yeah! again and in the background Sonjay Dutt's barely contained internal spazzout reaction as they kiss is worth 1,001 words.

Abyss is in an asylum somewhere. He says they let him have a camera in his cell for good behavior, though he thinks just fooled them. He is now more man than monster, thank you (why did I write thank you??). Apparently he is almost cured and will be able to come home soon.

So Abyss is like part Kane and part Mankind right? He used to be more Kane with Mankind-like hardcore tendencies, but this little promo felt distinctly Mankind. So you know what that means right? Ol' boy's “comin' home” as a fuckin' Dude Love knockoff. This is purely speculation on my part, but something is rotten in Denmark.

Huh, that weird Awesome Auger thing Billy “Man at Arms” Mays is shilling looks kinda useful actually. Billy you magnificent sonuva bitch, you've done it again. You're like Q except instead of spy-fi tech you bring us weird tools to help simplify every day living... FROM ETERNIA~!!!!!!!! I don't care if it's stupid, dude looks like Man-At-Arms.

Nash says that he and Joe are cooler than ever, justifying something or other. Joe talks shit in Booker T's direction.

Awesome Kong/Gail Kim video. Bad... assssssssss...

TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Gail Kim w/ my eternal love vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

Gail is looking hotter than ever. Oh my god. Squee! *dies*

Back fist misses and Gail throws everything at Kong and hits and runs and gets a two count out of some fancy maneuvering. Raisha interferes and gives Kong back the advantage. All the Knockouts are out to look on an get into it (foreshadowing!!) as we head to break with Kong still in control.

Gail is getting tossed around but gets a brief armbar that seems to have an effect. Implant Buster gets 2. Kong's second rope splash misses. Gail with a Spear! A fight breaks out amongst the Knockouts somewhere around here. Spinning back fist gets only two. There is no quit in Gail Kim! Senton from the top gets two more. Gail goes up again but gets pushed off by Angelina Love and hurts her knee. As an aside, I have a severe aversion to seeing knee injuries (kinda like when a person faints at the sight of blood, though not quite as bad), so forgive me for being totally squicked. Suffice to say that I've been there and was forever traumatized by the experience. I almost had to change the channel after that. Awesome Bomb and that is all. Hell of a match till the end thar.

Winner: and STILL TNA Knockouts Champion... Awesome Kong

Holy muthafuckin' shit, it really is a damn soap opera. Kurt and Karen video.... As the Angles Turn. Fuuucking hell. Horse shit of the highest quality is still horse shit, as this expertly made video package of horse shit clearly illustrates.

Here comes Kurt. He picks up a bunch of balloons on the way to the ring. He says he wasn't kicked out, she left him. He knows she is watching, and says she belongs with him, and he is willing to forgive her for her mistakes. Everything will be peachy keen as long as she accepts being 4th priority (after the TNA World Title, his gold medal, and the kids, in that order). The crowd is shitting all over this, by the way. As Conan O'brien says: Come on, it's a free show, people... Okay, it is stupid. Carry on.

Hey, we just got cut off. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a Ford Truck commercial. If Karen is watching, she must be all like wtf dood? And we're back, apparently right after Kurt's speech ended, only to go right back to commercial a few seconds later.

Borash is with LAX. I don't speak Spanish unfortunately, so I missed good share of this, especially while Hector Guerrero channeling his late brother, Eddie.

Non-title Match- The Motor City Machine Guns vs. LAX (Homicide y Hernandez w/ Salinas y Hector Guerrero)

Homicide and Shelley go back & forth until Homicide hits the Overhead Belly to Belly. Two kind of Amigos (roll them hips like you mean it, Homicide!) and the third onto Hernandez shoulder for a Backbreaker. Sabin scores a kick in the head from the apron to put the Guns on Offense. Extremely liberal use of the double team five count ensues, but would you have it any other way? Now answer that as if you were recapping their matches every week? Anyway, I missed most of their offensive onslaught anyway (Winner: and STILL TNA Beer Drinking Champion... Not Paying Attention). Sabin tries to fly but lands in Homicide's grip and eats a deliciously named T-Bone Suplex. I'm hungry now. Hernandez tags in and hits the Slingshot Double Clothesline. Would Hernandez even know how to enter the ring normally off a late match tag anymore? Hernandez does his best to shrink Michigan's population by two. Cracker Jack! The Border Toss is about to happen until Shelley hits more of an Enzuigiri than Shining Wizard off by off his partner's back. The guns go for double suplex but Hernandez is having none of that and suplexes both of them instead.

Winners: LAX

If the champs are gonna win anyway, why the hell isn't it a title match? We need more one-off title matches with random opposition on TV to make the belts seem like more than props, especially for the secondary and title belts. Let's defend deeze bitches more than on ppv and against more than one opponent over a three month period, please.

Booker says he's tired of being disrespected. Devon cuts a really damn awesome badass promo, and Ray hardly even talks. I am ever so pleased by that turn of events. Now just do a job once in a while Ray.

Eric Young is headed for Memphis searching for Elvis, to prove that heroes still exist. A guy in a lucha mask picks him up along the highway in a nice car, and tells him to get in the back seat. What the fuck? Eric all but tells him his life story until the end of the vignette, when he's back by himself on foot again on Day 4, I think. I'm not even joking...

Sting talks to Tenay about his early years in pro wrestling, and teaming with the future Ultimate Warrriah! as the Blade Runners Rock (Warrior) and Flash Borden.

Angelina and Velvet completely bitch heel it up. They are so good at it... almost too good. Makes you wonder where the line between fantasy and reality is drawn, if indeed it is at all. Good TV.

The Self-Proclaimed Beautiful People Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs. Roxxi Laveaux w/ new wardrobe, very little hair, and stitches in the top of her head and ODB

Don West notes that Roxxi doesn't look too bad. Sinead O'Conner is who our allegedly esteemed announcers are reminded of.

Velvet gets beat on down by ODB and Roxxi. Angelina dodges a dropkick and the self proclaimed Beautiful People go on offense. “Lets go Roxxi” chant. Octopus Hold w/ Arm Bite from Velvet, who's offense is looking surprisingly inoffensive tonight. She seems to be improving. At least she's not Maria! Hell, at least she's not Santino Marella, for that matter! ODB finally gets to run wild for a bit, but Sky gets the pin on ODB after some sneakery coordinated by Love.

Winners: The self proclaimed Beautiful People... huh, bet nobody saw that coming.

Cage asks if we really thought Booker was a good person. He knew better back in the day 'cause they've got history. Booker and everyone else used to look down on him. He also calls Booker a piece of [expletive]. Gwahhh... Rhino will drag Team 3D's broken bodies down memory lane.

Back in love again...

Dammit, why does it have to be night time. I feel like going for a run. Ignore the fact I can run only about four blocks at a time. Thank you.

Team 3DT (Booker T and Team 3D) vs. Caged Rhino ala Joe (TNA World Heavyweight Champion Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, and Rhino)

Rated RCageJoe is also acceptable. Not really.

Team 3D gets the drop on Joe, but Joe gets a knee from the second rope. It all breaks down when Booker makes the save. Cage takes flight from on high to Ray on the floor. It's old school TNA with an all over the place and in the crowd brawl. Ray shoves Hector Guerrero and talks shit before heading back towards the ring. We hit the break.

Back to it with Rhino getting beatdown. Hogan Theatrics Legdrop from Devon for two. Ray continues to beatdown Rhino Morton. Rhino shows signs of life but eats Ray-K Bottom... well, he's teaming with Booker, so The Ray-K End is more appropriate. Booker in with a Hook Kick gets a couple more. Rhino is getting killed until he hits a desperation Spinebuster (LOL @ desperation Spinebuster!). Joe does the hot tag thing and kills some bitches. T-Bone by Joe. Booker doesn't back down and tries his hand but get sent to the floor in a hurry. Snap Powerslam on Devon... and that's it? That move never wins matches! What the fuck?! That wasn't even an out of nowhere finish!! I want my money back!! And let's bury Devon some more to piss off the Sweet One, because the end show wasn't bad enough already! Oh, and take a goddamn pin for once Ray, you obnoxious, overbearing fatass!

Winners: Samoa Joe, Rhino, and Christian Cage

Postmatch Ray goes and attacks Hector Guerrero for some desperation cheap heat after being made to look like total tools again. Booker stands guard with a chair while 3D pummels the stuffing out of LAX's new mentor/sympathy punching bag. Hector is a bloody mess when the good guys finally chase T, Devon, and loudmouth, job not doing fatass away. End show on Hector's bloodied face.

Squee: Devon cut a fantastic promo. Sonjay's fantastic but unacknowledged reaction to his best friend asking for the hand of the woman with whom he too is in love.

Squick: I'm all for clean finishes, but sometimes a bullshit finish just makes sense. Tonight's main event is good example. Heels have been looking really bad in TNA lately, and good god, we do not need to make Special Delivery Devon look any worse. Seriously, he's about an SD Jones-level Jobber to the Stars right now. The heels needed to save face with a postmatch beatdown of their opponents at least, and not a defenseless announcer to tie what should be all about Booker and Joe into Team 3D's impending feud with LAX. While the beatdown itself was pretty much squee, there was just too much shit trying to be weaved, and it came off poorly in my opinion.

Also, as previously mentioned, knee injuries to me is kinda like people fainting at the sight of blood.

Random Thought(s): I can't say I expected the only heels on the show to come out on top (The Konger notwithstanding), let alone be any kind of dominant (which Kong was decidedly not), to be Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. It's good that they, as a tag team, beat a thrown together team of higher card ladies, and the feud with Roxxi is certainly interesting. I even dig their characters, they make me angry in the right way. I just don't enjoy watching them wrestle very much at this point. They are not bad really, I guess it's just a taste thing.

TNA Star of the Night: Angelina Love. Angelina's savvy to dodge the dropkick and coordinate the sneaky victory seems to have come out of nowhere. I guess getting your ass kicked weekly breeds intelligence and ingenuity. Whatever the case, nobody made more of a statement tonight.

(Dino) Sendoff: TNA is severely lacking focus. I know, I have the same problem. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and the spirit never dies! Peace.


by Charley Martin

Showtime, folks! I was really not wanting to do this tonight after last week's mind screw, but after reading about how shitty Raw was and WWECW being... well, WWECW, I got a Sting-like second wind after being hit over the head with a guitar. So I shouted, flexed, and proceeded to kick ass. Or something.

Hey, I'm not late for once! We start it off with Cornette clearing things up. Matt Morgan, gay dressed Kip James, BG James, James Storm w/ Jackie, Booker w/ huge pop, Robert Roode, This... is... Sting!, Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed. Everybody was bugging Cornette, but Sting. So Cornette is going to draw the first two teams tonight. First drawn is Sting. He enters the ring and draws his partner... James Storm. Random drawing I swear! He enters and cuts off Cornette and talks shit and they get into a fight. James E. sez that the teams selected are going to fight each other one-on-one and makes Sting/Storm NO DQ.

Borash is outside and Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner make a deal to take out Joe in the match tonight.

TerrorDome video! All the way from Lucha-land for the best and brightest of the X-Division. And Johnny Devine too. He's fairly average (though does have an X-Division Title reign).

Non-Title Chili 6-Way X-Division Clusterfuck- He's hot... He's spicy... He tastes great... Curry Man! vs. Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme vs. Consequences Creed w/ WCW talk to the camera on the way to the ring-ness vs. Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick, video camera, and doofy hat vs. “Stone Cold” Shark Boy vs. TNA X-Division Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan

Devine and Creed go back and forth in the early going and then Curry walks on Johnny D. Sharky stomps the shit out of him. Petey levels him from the outside and gets the tag. Rave blind tags in and he and Devine take turns beating up Sharky. Devine misses the 450 kneedrop. Ouchies. Curry runs wild and hits the “Domo Lariato”. Trust me, it's much more impressive than the name suggests. Curry Crossbody's someone from the top. Rave and Creed make the save. Creed has almost as many wins as Rave. Curry gets sent out then slingshot 'Rana'd by Petey on the floor. Then Rave goes flying to the floor after a missed corner charge. Shark Man hits the I Can't Believe it's Not Codebreaker on somebody. You try recapping this without being able to record. Actually don't, I don't want fired. Creed with the dancey dance jabs. Bad editing and Creed flips out onto three guys. Chummer on Devine(?). CreedDT. Then Creed eats Destroyer. Some countering and whatnot and Rave kicks Petey's face off. Damn. Curry Slingshot Suplexes Rave but the Hemme distracts the ref. Be careful Rudy, her crotch is on fire. Rave gets some more interference from his big partner that holds him back. Jimmy hits that move that I didn't even know had a name until I checked Wikipedia (Ghanarhea/The Move That Rocks the World/Swinging Leg Hook Fireman's Carry Slam) on Curry Man, and Jimmy Rave... wins? Seriously?

Winner: Jimmy Rave?! Believe it!

Celebration the likes of a team that has only won collectively about twice and Rave only three times now ensues.

Sting says he and Storm are gonna do it old school, beat the hell outta each other, and then do it some more. They'll work their shit out and together become tag team champions.


LAX video. The “established teams” don't look any more established than the random teams. Especially if Kip and BG get teamed up.

The Knockouts are crowded into Cornette's office and we're gonna have a shitty clusterfuck of Clippers on a Pole Match for head shaving immunity. My second wind is officially DEAD!!!

Cage and Rhino in the house. Cage cuts himself an awesome promo. Ray talks shit. Brawl! Security no-showed today. Ray and Devon are getting the best of Caged Rhino, but here comes LAX to kill everybody. Cage gets Border Tossed onto the concrete floor. That had to hurt.

Clippers on a Pole Immunity Match- Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Traci Brooks vs. Jackie Moore vs. Salinas w/ sombrero and Mexican Flag and sexy dancing vs. Christy Hemme vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal love vs. ODB

I'm not even going to try. Just total clusterfuck. Just give a Tower of Doom to make it through the rest of the night. Tracy drops Gail from the second rope a good ol' face plant. Ooh, that was pretty swank. Salinas Tornado DDTs somebody. Nice. Hemme knocks ODB down and has a clear path but turns around for the FFG, which fails like it always does. Super Fallaway Slam. To Traci. From ODB. Voodoo Drop on somebody. Hey this ain't bad. Pretty good even. Picture freakin' perfect TOWER OF DOOM! Amazing considering Velvet Sky was in on it. This match is proving to pretty damn good. The ring gets mostly cleared out by various ladies, leaving only three. Jackie gets Electric Chair'd by ODB, and Gail has a clear path and gets immunity. I is happy now. That match was several shades of awesome.

Winner: and immune to having her head shaved... Gail Kim! I have an inkling this means she won't be winning though the #1 Contender's Lets Throw a Bunch of Stips Against the Wall and See What Sticks Match though...

I just realized my girl Crystal is back! Best Backstage Interviewer ever, though I fear that may be damning her with somewhat faint praise. Samoa Joe talks shit and Kevin Nash is all ominous. And why is he holding the belt? Too feel special?

No Disqualification Match- James Storm w/o Jackie vs. Sting w/ baseball bat

They waist about three seconds going into the crowd. Storm gets Irish Whipped through a wall. Squee. Sting brings it back out to ringside and Storm spits beer in his face and goes under the ring for a table. Inside the ring Storm dropkicks the downed Stinger before he can try to fight back (brilliant), and sets the table up in the corner. Sting fights back but misses a splash from the top. Storm goes for the Last Call but hits the ref. Why are we knocking out the ref in a NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH? Scorpion Deathlock and Jackie brings a chair into the mix. Sting tries to wake the ref up and manages to avoid the chairshot try. Enzuigiri by Storm and a chairshot finally lays out Sting, but for only two. Storm misses a sad attempt at an I guess Stinger Splash and eats one from the the facepainted one. The one from up top hits on try number two but doesn't put The Cowboy away. Sting takes his bat from Jackie when she tries to intervene. Storm gets ahold of the beer bottle but can't do anything with it. Scorpion Death Drop but Sting opts for a Stinger Splash through the table, just to bury Storm a little bit more. Another SDD and mercifully James Storm's (>^(>T_T)> is over.

Winner: Sting

Strange jacket wearing Borash, of all people, takes issue with Megastar *giggles* Kip James' ghey (allegedly) attire. Kip says he's lead three different guys to tag titles, so he is the standard bearer, but I require a sample. What about Booker? Hasn't he held gold with about eight different guys? He says he was also reason for DX's success, not the redneck, not the barely(?) has a heartbeat kid, not Sean Waltman, though he kinda liked him. Ooh, X-Pac Heat. And not the big nose water spitting, well, you know. Whoever is his partner needs to get on their knees and thank god they get to team up with him to win the gold.

Time now to pick the next team and see everybody's entrance videos again. Matt Morgan is picked out of the fishbowl. He pulls out Kip James' name. Kip demands the big large hothead do exactly what he says. Matt tells him to suck it and beats him up. Cornette declares this match starts now.

Megastar *rofl* Kip James vs. Matt Morgan

Kip gets sent to the floor and we'll be back after these words from our sponsors. (Future Me: Not that this match will be long enough to deserve a commercial break...)

Back with Matt still on the attack, but he misses a charge and gets beat up outside and back in. Matt is back on it with clotheslines and an Avalanche (more like a car wreck) and a side slam. Mountain Bike Kick, as his bicycle kick shall henceforth be called, and that is all.

Winner: Matt Morgan

BG runs down the list of remaining Deuces Wild participants. He and Booker had a similar path, though they never crossed, and he used to wear his hair like Book's, though it looks bad on a fat white guy, so he doesn't now. What? He said it, not me. Robert Roode is rich and good looking (again, his words, not mine), and BG is D-O-Double-G ugly and broke. The he gets to Kong. He says it's time for a change, not just politically, and wants to team with Kong. I can see it. He says standing next to her will be the only way he looks good.

Scott Steiner talks loud and obnoxiously. Angle gives him shit. Petey plays peacemaker because he is Canadian and gets in a jab at Scott's twisted math from last week.

Joe/Steiner/Angle video.

Scott Steiner w/ Khan w/ pipe, and Kurt Angle vs. Kevin Nash & TNA Heavyweight Champion of the World Samoa Joe... after the break.

Nash beats up Angle out of the gate and passes him off to Joe with one of his trademark combinations. Nash is back in and gets raked in the eyes, but Nash is back with a big boot to Steiner. Steiner catches him low when ref is distracted and Kev is getting worked over like rarely happens. I honestly thought he wasn't actually capable of playing Ricky Morton at this point. Not that he's make the ass kicking he's taking look that good. Chinlock on Nash but he fights out and gets a side slam, preferred slam of tall guys everywhere. Nash is caught, but makes the tag. However the ref wasn't looking. Joe makes with the hot tag house cleaning anyway and leaves broken bodies in his wake, which is quite messy if you think about it. Anyway he eventually eats an Angle Slam and Nash goes for a Choke Slam on Kurt, but gets pipe'd by Steiner. Big Immobile takes a shitty looking Angle Slam himself and is pinned by Steiner to take the loss.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Kurt Angle

Nash does the job?! On the same night Jimmy Rave won? Check the temperature in hell.

Angle is tweaked about Steiner stealing the pin and Angle Slams him from the second rope when he goes to celebrate. Ankle Lock and Steiner is tapping and we gone! Sacrifice hard sell to end the show.

The Good: The TNA Knockouts make a stupid pole match not only not suck, but be borderline outstanding. The ladies of TNA rock.

The Bad: James Storm gets buried in berries. Take your emoticon butt secks like a man. I just creeped myself out.

Say Something Weird, Sweet One!: Have you ever tried to recap a weird wrestling show while messing around on eBay and looking at porn at the same time?


by Charley Martin

It's been a really weird week in wrestling thusfar on the WWE's end. Let's see if TNA can keep it going. I think there's a better than average chance. I mean, this is TNA. This week's lateness, 13 minutes, though I had the show on and saw... everything. Bumbumbum... O.o Now then, let's make an iMPACT! Yeah!

The Egotistical Eight is our stupid episode title. Some nifty shits happened last week.

CurryShark vs. Motor City Machine Guns

I have no idea if this was supposed to be a Deuces Wild match. I'm guessing no since the MCMG lost already last week. Anyway, this was a great match that doesn't mostly dominated by the Guns, but it doesn't see a finish due to Steiner & Petey coming out and beating everybody up. If they can't give me a finish than it's not fair for me to have to do a MCMG match out of the gate.

Petey is fully Steiner-ized, with the dye job and stuff. Sharky eats Canadian Destroyer.

Winners: No Contest

Steiner says you'd think he'd be upset about getting skipped over. But no, he's gonna beat Joe and make Kurt his bitch, but I require a sample. If he isn't upset, why the fuck did he interfere in a perfectly fine match and bury a bunch of X-Division guys? Anyway, Angle doesn't take kindly to Steiner's words, and is here to do something about it. He gets rid of Maple Leaf Muscle and gets Steiner in the Ankle Lock and is making him tap until Petey kills him from behind with the steel pipe. Steiner puts on the Self-Titled Recliner and Joe saves the day and stands tall.

Joe/Angle vs. Steiner/Petey will be your featured bout of the evening. Gee, I wonder whose gonna be doing the job? *cough*Petey*cough*

AJ needs a partner because Tomko went to Japan and got injured or something. Cornette has the Egotistical Eight to deal with and tells AJ if he can't find a partner in the little over an hour he has left, than he's out of the tournament.

Tenay is in the ring and brings out Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. Angie talks shit and gets a great heel reaction and they show Photoshopped pictures of Gail and ODB baldified. Tenay and West didn't know they had the computer skills. Pretty much all pornstars have their own websites though, so it's not unreasonable that they know their shit. Gail and the Dirty One come out and kick their asses and challenge them to a battle in oh, about thirty minutes.

Kurt says see that you stay away from my woman little flippy dippy dimwit. Booker completely and utterly buries AJ when he interrupts his phone call to ax him to be his partner, to the tune of calling him a fan looking for an autograph, disregarding all of his accomplishments when The Prince of Phenomenal brings them up. I am saddened by this turn of events. Jeez Book, uncalled for much??...
Moral: Don't interrupt Booker when he's on the phone.

Joe talks but I can't remember what he said. Something about loving competition and destroying people. Nash sez don't forget about the money.

Deuces Wild Qualifying Match- Kaz & Eric Young vs. LAX w/ Salinas

EY nearly dies from pyro loudness. Kaz is mildly annoyed. Salinas dances. Mmm... Salinas dances... don't need a pack of Topps Heritage to get a boner off of that. Ironically, I bought two packs of equally boner-inducing smoothly wrapped of cards before the show.

The power guys hook it up and Hernandez gets a flying shoulderblock on EY (yes, EY is a bonafied power guy, smallish and with *some* high flying though he may be) after a lil countering and whatnot. Kaz and Homicide enter and counter a bunch until Kaz lands a bodyslam. Sometimes the basic shit is still the most effective. Space Mountain. Wooooo! Springboard legdrop by Kaz. Jaz runs into a Slingshot Shoulderblock from Hernandez, but Homicide can't capitalize with a pin attempt because Hernandez distracted the rent-a-ref. Drive By by LAX. Kaz' crossbody gets caught by Hernandez, and he gets Sitout Powerbombed for two. Picture perfect Overhead Belly courtesy of Homicide to belly gets two. Synchronized corner shoulderblock/clothesline. I love that move. So cool. There is no escaping it. Just a brilliant maneuver. After some more Kaz punching baggery, LAX go for it all and the Cutter off of Hernandez' shoulders. Kaz blocks it and counters out of it. That... was ugly. Single leg dropkick to the big one, and it's time for EY to clean hizzouse. He scores two on 'Cide of a bridged suplex. Hernandez gets rid of Kaz and himself. Back & forth EY and Homicide go and 'Cide with a rollup... for the win!

Kaz is upset about losing and EY is upset for losing. LAX shows respec'.

Winners: LAX... and Mutual Respect knuckle bumpin'!

Homicide has a mic and calls out Hector Guerrero. Commercial time. Nonsense to follow probably.

Homicide says they studied Eddie Guerrero and the whole Guerrero family for years, and they wanted to be like them. Homicide wants Hector to be in their corner at Sacrifice, to lead them to the gold. Hector is in. My cynical bastard meter is tingling. Watch your back Hector.

Traci is trying to get Cornette to agree to something and Jim says she is one of the people he can half-tolerate and says he'll think about her proposal. Matt Morgan enters as she leaves and wants in the Deuces Wild Tornament, and Cornette tells him he'll just have to wait to find out if he's in. BG James attacks Matt from behind, but the big guy fights back and security has to pull them apart.

Love and Sky head to the ring. Focus on their butts. That is all.

You line jumping sonuva bitch!

AJ asks Nash to be his partner. No dice-K.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs. Gail Jim and ODB

ODB chant. Chest to chest and Angie shoves ODB but pays for it. Gail and Big Sky tag in. Sky attacks hard but misses Gail in the corner. Clothesline, dropkick and a body slam. Lucha Armdrag not so much, thanks to Love interference, and Gail gets crotched. Snapmare off the ropes by Sky as we hit the break with the force of 1000 40-watt light bulbs. Hmm... that reminds me. I need to pick up a few light bulbs...

Love is killing Kim, and double teaming off the distraction. Rollup and another by Kim, but she gets blasted down again. Double Clothesline and both women are down. Tags made and ODB cleans house. ODB hits the Fallaway Slam, favorite power move of redneck powerhouses ages 9-95 everywhere. Sky attacks from behind. All she gets is a second rope crotch in the face press for a near fall though. Angie gets removed from the ring by Gail and kick a couple of times. Running Powerslam wins it for the faces.

Winners: ODB and Gail Kim

The good girls celebrate but Angie attacks Gail from behind... *anime nosebleed* Ahem, ODB recovers and the the double team is on. Angelina escapes, but Roxxi is here to attack her from behind (hehe) and toss her back in for a 3-on-1... something. Gail delivers a forearm, and ODB gets a shot in as well, and Roxxi finishes things with a Voodoo... uhh, drawing blank. The three heroines celebrate, and ODB offers her flask to Roxxi, who takes a swig, and Gail does too!

Storm and Roode are doing their things in the back and Roode says last week is water under the bridge while he reads the paper. Slightly drunk Storm asks him if he's reading the comics and he tells him he's looking at stocks and bonds. Storm asks if je means Barry Bonds. This is surreal... AJ asks for one of them to be his partner. Apparently the bottle of spirits he brought as a bribe was inferior, and Storm gives him an earful about it. He calls Karen a skank and AJ gets up in his face. Roode separates them and tells AJ it's two on one, and not in the prince's favor. Another no from Roode and Storm and AJ is in a pickle. Storm grabs up all his beer before he leaves. AJ is a dejected panda, but a shadow looms over the guys. Wow, just like the Christmasepisode with Eric Young. (Peanut Gallery: Shut up about the Christmas episode! We had almost erased it from our memory!) AJ asks if the mystery guy will be his partner and apparently it is so. Is he teaming up with Santa?

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying Match- Rock & Rave Infection vs. “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles and... Super Eric?!... The hell?

DW and Tenay tell us how it doesn't make sense. Now that I think about it, that was pretty good foreshadowing of it being Eric though. It was eerily similar to the Christmas episode. (Peanut Gallery: *Death Glare*) Uhh... moving on.

AJ outmaneuvers Rave and hits a backbody drop. Eric is in and Rave escapes to his corner. Hoyt is in and the power guys stare down. Two shoulderblocks get nothing for Super Eric, but a Flying Forearm does the job. AJ is in and they hit a double hiptoss. A not quite two count and Hoyt fights back and makes the tag. Phenomenal dropkick to Rave. Hemme tries to distract, but AJ is a one (two?) woman man and is with Karen. Hemme is displeased and trips him when he is back in the neighborhood. Huge STO from Jimmy. Styles takes a double team back elbow and elbow drop. Hoyt plays air guitar on AJ hindquarters and does that spinny slam thing that doesn't have a name that I know of. AJ fights out of Rave's rest hold but can't quite escape, so he hits a Pele. Don West covers his end of the deal. Super Eric with the hot tag and housecleaning. Rave gets set up top and Hoyt gets caught in a fireman's carry. He gets Rave up there too but they escape. Decapitation Clothesline from SE gets two. Eric blocks the Tilt-a-Whirl Armbar and AJ backflips off of them onto Hoyt and 'Ranas him out of his boots. Death Valley Driver ends it.

Winners: Super Eric and AJ Styles

Sting says Cornette is right and this place is a loony bin. The business changes people. No wai!

Tenay and West talk about the Innovation, leading to a preview of the newest concept from TNA... The Terror Dome!

Daisy Haze(!!!!) vs. Cheerleader Melissa

Well this is a nice surprise. I hearts me some Haze, but I didn't expect to see her here. Does the slight modification of the same name count as enough of a change? The Sweet One ponders...

Meslissa overpowers Haze, but the Hazey One outquicks her. Headlock takeover by Haze. Armdrag and headscissors, but Melissa shakes it off and overpowers. Hair tosses and a suplex for a near fall. Haze fights back but gets dropped with a sick forearm. Heart Punch by Haze draws boos. Melissa counters whatever was coming next and hits a KUDO DRIVER(!) and it's academic.

Winner: Cheerleader Melissa

A lil too much shilling going on, but a nifty lil match nonetheless, and they did put over how these two n00bs were looking to impress TNA management, and noticed when stuff was happening.

Scott Steiner brings us some kinda twisted math. According to him, after he runs the numbers, he has a 143.3% chance of beating Joe at Sacrifice. The numbers don't lie. Uhh, okay...
He also calls Joe a sexually inadequate fatass, at least compared with Poppa of Pump. Not touching that one.

TNA X-Division Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams and Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan vs. Kurt Angle and TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa Joe

Joe beats up Petey. Back chop/kick/kneedrop combo. Nonchalant flying attack dodge. Vintage Joe! Yeah... Angle gets in but Petey uses his athleticism and gets a drop toe hold and a dropkick on the back of the Angle's shiny head. Steiner is in and presses the attack, but gets caught with an overhead belly to belly. Joe kicks his ass for a bit but misses Petey Pump's blind tag and continues beating everloving hell out of Scott. He finally turns around in time to eat a missile dropkick.

And now the conclusion of the main event. Clothesline/elbow drop/push-ups from Steiner. Petey is in and Joe fights back, but Steiner catches him with a knee and Petey scores with a Spinning Heel Kick. Overhead belly to belly from Steiner. Steiner gets caught and slammed down in the corner, but Petey dodges then drops Joe. Both men are down. Petey goes up top but jumps right into a boot. Joe goes to tag Kurt, but flips him off instead and does his own hot tag. Hilarity ensues. Petey manages a jawbreaker but gets Snap Powerslammed. Steiner saves. Angle takes Pumpy out and Joe ends it with a Muscle Buster to Petey

Winners: Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle

Angle sneaks up on Joe and German Suplexes him and puts the Ankle Lock on. Steiner chases Kurt out of the ring with the pipe. Joe groggily gets to his feet and Steiner lays him out with the pipe. Steiner and Petey celebrate with the gold.

But the show's not over yet!

Borash tries to get a scoop but Cornette tells him to drink a bowl of Valium soup. Hehe. James E. Cornette is about to shock the world.

Too many commercials for a terrible M. Night Shyamalan movie. TNA should take a cue and and start promoting the hell out of iMPACT! like that though.

Recap of what we just saw.

Cornette is in the ring with the titles. It's time to bring out the egotistical 8.

Matt Morgan is out first. Kip James is here and dressed weird as ever. BG James and his awesome new theme is out next. Never met a beer he didn't like, out now is James Storm w/ Jackie. Booker T now here after his unfortanate dressing down of AJ, who is in the tournament already. The Wizard of Wallstreet Robert Roode. And This... is... Sting!
Cornette starts to go on, but remembers there is still one left yet to introduce. But who could it Drumroll please... the TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong?!?!?!?! What a twist!

The Konger licks her lips as we fade to black. Lance Storm and his big mouth...

Wow, I have no idea if this was a good show or not. But certainly highly interesting to say the least. I was entertained anyway. Neil's job is probably gonna suck though, since this clusterfuck culminates on his watch.

(Dino) Sendoff: Apologies for getting the recap in right around the deadline the past few weeks. It's been the best time for me lately... *Le sigh* Until our next, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and my Turkey Red cards still aren't here...


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).