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May 01, 2008
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TNA IMPACT AJ's Revenge is tonight's episode title. Brother Ray muses about if he, Devon, Booker, Tomko, and
Kurt are really the bad guys because AJ is an adulterer, all while pimping the forthcoming trading card set (from TRISTAR~!!
Jejeje). They should make that bigger than life-size AJ card with Ray boot prints in available via a redemption card. Booker
complains and says he is royalty or Royal T or some such silliness and sticks his pinky up. Still not getting booed all that
much. Devon starts in on LAX but Hector channeling Eddie brings out the champs and is rather difficult to understand. It seems
LAX gets Team 3D at Slamiversary which doesn't make a whole lot of sense really (how bad would you want of piece of two guys
that thoroughly beat the shit out of you when you are already the champ?), but why wait till tomorrow to do what you can do
today, homes? Then Cage and Rhino come out and Cage talks shit in Booker's direction and says he and Rhino will both make
it to King of the Mountain. Then Samoa Joe goes up in the crowd and talks shit at Booker and everybody else who wants some.
Then all the good guys hit the ring, but the heels escape because good = stupid. AJ comes out with a chair and kicks 3D ass,
though he didn't connect with his chairshot on Bookah. Karen is in the back with JB and I can't help but not
care. Take me back to the brawl you impudent fools. Apparently AJ wants clear the air later. She calls thing a whole stupid
mess. Interesting choice of words. Ace Young is hanging out with the would be Mega Powers.
Good for him? He'll be entertaining at the wedding. Allegedly. Machismo is even more distracted than usual. Sonjay loses the
subtlety talking about getting cold feet. Val is all like wtf? I think I passed out from the inaneness. Ace has a surprise
after their revenge match against the Rock & Rave Infection. Kong will kill some bitches in the crowd again tonight.
Woo. Hermie Sadler joins the guys for this match for some reason.
It's not like he's terrible, but why?? Rock & Rave Rejection w/ Hemme vs. The Mega
Shrimps w/ Val & Ace Rave and Dutt go back & forth to start and Sonjay
hits a crazy spinny Head Scissors. Miscommunication between Dutt and Machismo on the tag, but the R&RI can't capitalize
for more than a few seconds because they pretty much suck. I think they only have about four wins since they started teaming
up, and they wrestle almost every freaking week. At least the small guy gets better treatment than most other tag teams with
the big/small dynamic. Rave has scored all of their pinfalls and hasn't taken all of their losses. Oh right, there be match
going on. Hiptoss/Basement Dropkick from Macho Lethal. More communication problems for the Mega Cruiserweights and Hoyt makes
them pay with a big boot to the back of Sonjay's head that knocks him into Lethal who goes careening outta da ring. Huge German
Suplex sends Dutt all the way across the ring brain dead guitar hero lunatics beat him up until he makes the hot tag. Springboard
Dropkick from Machismo Back and the Mach' is making like he's all suspicious,
but just wants Sonjay accept being his best man after not doing so for a week and he accepts. Ace is a happy panda and mentions
a bachelor party next week. Val makes that wtf expession again (Hidden Highlight FTW!), and Ace shows us a Machismo/Val-centric
music video for a song called Addicted. Awesome beyond words. And the song ain't half bad either. 40 minutes have passed already? Holy shit in a fishbowl,
that opening segment had to have been a good 20+ minutes long. The self proclaimed Beautiful People put a bag over Lauren's
(is that her name? I don't really care because she isn't Crystal, but it'd be slightly helpful to know) head and talk shit
in Roxxi's (and anyone else who gets in their way) direction. Now seductively kiss the camera or something. Thank you Sky. Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. Roxxi Laveaux Roxxi attacks hard. Corner hipcheck and a clothesline
and more beatdown. Sky runs interference Roxxi gives chase, allowing Angie to her bearings back and lay Roxxi oot. She bicycle
kick Roxxi rather hard and throws a fit when she doesn't get the pin. Roxxi catches Love off an Irish Whip and hits the Fallaway
Slam all in one motion. That was swank. Roxxi with a discus forearm and a Big Boot gets two. Sky is on the apron but gets
knocked on her ass. Love counters the Voodoo Drop and Sky sprays her in the face... with hairspray. Reverse Leaping STO thing
and it's Lights Out for Roxxi. Winner: Angelina Love Sky Love bag Roxxi and beat her up until Gail Kim and
ODB slowly make their way to the ring because Gail is on crutches. After a few seconds ODB just grabs one of the crutches
and chases Love and Sky away. I imagine this conversation taking place: Gail Kim: What? Hey, I need that to walk! Cornette chews out Borash for the Awesome Kong killing
a fan, until he shows Cornette that is was the Eric Young is at Sun Studio to in search of Elvis. I might
be in the minority, but I'm kinda enjoying this. Maybe it's because while he's elsewhere, there is no Super Eric to be annoying.
Whatev. Cornette talks about the Slammiversary card and tells
Team 3DT they better be gone when he gets back there. Out comes Kevin Nash, who asks him how he plans to get rid of them.
Security? Nash says the security sucks and that they couldn't keep the fans at Jonas Brothers contest in check. Winner: Genre
Savvy. He offers his services in getting rid of them in exchange for being the Special Enforcer for the King of the Mountain
Match at Slammiversary. Cornette accepts, and even asks nicely for Nash's help when Big Immobile wants him to. Allegedly disturbing footage from Abyss. He gets to go
home in ten days. Woo, can we get some fucking wrestling now please? PLEASE! Two matches accounting for probably 8 minutes
in an hour and ten is unacceptable. Lela Bates of Kentucky gets murderized tonight. Just sick.
Awesome Bomb ends it mercifully, though incredibly brutally. Another sick bomb that turned the kid inside out. Kevin Nash tries to talk Team 3DT outta Cornette's office,
but when it fails he brings his backup, a Louisville Slugger. Swinging it wildly gets the job done. A Rhino/James Storm video gets interrupted by Rhino beating
up Storm with weapons somewhere in the back until Jackie hits him in the back with a shovel. Commercial. Go dream about when
wrestling didn't suck for a couple minutes, you punch drunk idiot. Wha?! Why did I write that? Back and the fight makes it out to ringside and goes back
& forth for a few minutes until Storm gets the advantage and throws Rhinomonkey in the ring to get the match under way. King of the Mountain Qualifying Match... Already
in Progress Kinda- James Storm w/ Jackie vs. Rhino w/ above average hygiene for a Rhino? Rope assisted enzuigiri from Storm. Knee something or
other/Neckbreaker combo from Storm and he maintains control as we hit the break. Rhino is heating up with a flying clothesline and corner
shoulderblock and Belly to Belly, but misses a Gore and gets his head nearly Superkicked off. He falls to the floor though
and Jackie and Storm bring him back in for no fucking reason! Another Last Call gets ducked and Rhino Gores him. I love the
flip sell. That is all. What an incredibly stupid finish. Winner: Rhino Tomko has no remorse for what he did to AJ, and will wear
Cage's blood just like he wore AJ's last week. If you didn't know... no. Christian, you're just dead! The way this man has
with words... truly inspiring. Truly. ;'/ Winner: Extremely Condescending Comments -^_^- “Big Scary Goatman” Tomko vs. “Good
Talky Canadian” Christian Cage Tomko gets Cage before the bell and pulls him off the
second rope on his ass and chokes him with his own sparkly-sleeved jacket. Oh the humanity. Back & forth until Tomko cuts
Cage off up top and Big Boots him off the second rope to the floor. Commercial. Cage gets caught and Powerslammed for two. Cage fights
out of a rest hold but runs into a back elbow. Gorilla Press into a Fallaway Slam. Cage is getting mauled. Cage gets sent
to floor but doesn't really do anything there. Thanks a lot, Hebner. Delayed vertical Suplex gets a close fall. Cage gets
a Tornado DDT. Decapitation Clothesline by Tomko. Countering galore. Tomko scores a Chokebomb. TKO, but Christian Cage will
not die. He reverses another TKO attempt and hits an Unprettier out of nowhere for the W. Winner: Christian Cage AJ has two black eyes behind his sunglasses. He tells
squirrelly JB to can it and he can find out what's what like the rest of us. Kurt is here too. Joy. Karen comes out and AJ is nowhere to be seen after his
pyro and music die down. Kurt beats the shit of him in the back. He comes out and gets up in her face until she slaps him.
Faulty editing allows AJ to make it out to ringside and he beats on Kurt until the numbers game catches up with him when Team
WWE-ject hits the ring to kill him some more. An exhausted Cage comes out to try to help, but gets next to nowhere and gets
his AX Kicked. I guess Rhino and LAX couldn't bothered to help, because nobody else shows up for the good guys. So much for
“AJ's Revenge”. Heels stand tall. Seeya next week everybody. Lame finish that makes no sense two out of the last three
weeks, with a good one sandwiched in between. WTF TNA? This show pretty much sucked a big one. I should've just watched the
Cubs game. (Dino) Sendoff:
I'm not Wapanese, I swear!11
ODB: We can't
make it fast enough! Quick, gimme your crutch!only segment that didn't tank in the ratings highest rated
segment on the show. Booker comes in with Ray & Devon to complain and says he'll be taking over JC's office. Cornette
has to go to the ring, and suggests that they be gone when he gets back.
TNA IMPACT
Brother Ray vs. Homicide... damn Homicide starts hard and fast until Ray rakes the eyes,
though it's only a brief reprieve until he runs into an elbow in the corner. Ray beats up Homicide for a bit, then misses
a second rope sen-ton (Get it? 'Cause Ray is really fat! Like he weighs a ton. Hello? Anybody? *Le sigh*). Gringo Cutter connects.
Devon comes in and ends it with a kendo stick shot. Winner: Homicide by DQ, not that he's gonna look like
a winner in a minute. Hernandez makes the save until Booker T Superkicks him
in the face. Homicide gets busted open and then gets power bombed through the table, and I can't... bring... myself... to
give... a... flying... fuck. When iMPACT! Starts with a match, it's rapidly becoming
Fan Law that said match will end with a run in and beatdown, usually by Team 3D. Karen tells jig dancingly happy to see her Jeremy Borash
to expect the unexpected and Kong and Saeed give him threats and something to read. Something about a $25,000 challenge that
makes him spazz out. Video about the recent chaos Love and Sky have caused. ODB's breasts are apparently real and filled with vodka.
The more you know. The interviewer chick is forced to grab them and hang on for the whole segment. Good for her. Gail Kim
has a strained MCL. Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. ODB w/ Liquid
Courage DW and Tenay make vaguely unnerving comments about ODB's
breasts. ODB spits booze in Love's face. Angie hits a huge bicycle
kick. That was swank. Cheap shots and nondescript offense commence until ODB can get back on offense and hit a Fallaway Slam.
Love runs ODB into a Sky flask shot off a waistlock and makes the pin. Winner:
Angelina Love Love and
Sky are in the ring with the head shaver and an unconscious
ODB. Sounds like last time I went to Wendy's. Here comes
Roxxi. After absorbing a little double team, she takes out Sky
and hits a Spinebuster on Angelina (not her cool capture one,
more Double A), and she has the clippers, and nobody to stop
her. Nobody but stupid Referee Rudy Charles, who takes them
away. Love escapes. Rudy takes the Voodoo Drop. Spinal
compression for you dumb sir. Two
qualifying matches for King of the Mountain. Awesome Kong's
challenge is also on the menu. King of the Mountain match
video hype! AJ Styles
is Samoa Joe's first pick. Rhino is next. Christian Cage is
third. Fourth is... Booker T. Nash is upset. He doesn't like
when people don't do what their told or some nonsense. Giant
old guy's turn looks like it's coming soon. Frank
Trigg and Kurt Angle are hanging out and JB annoys Frank while
the bald dopplegangers pee (vaguely gay backstage segments
FTL!) and Kurt is goofy oblivious idiot jackass Kurt tonight.
Great... Ooh, I
wonder if I can make one of the live events. The Rock
& Rave Infection audition to play at Machismo & Val's
wedding. If you guessed this is a complete and utter
trainwreck, like 20 times worse than the Monsters of Rock
prematch interview segment from a few weeks ago, you are ohhh
so right. Dutt says he has an American Idol finalist lined up
to play. Ace something? Hoyt decked Machismo at as the segment
ended. Abyss
speaks. I'm sure there was a point, but I dunno what it was.
Kinda meandering. Going home or something? Robert
Roode cuts the promo of his life, riffing on TNA management,
being held down for so long, Booker T, and his opponent
tonight Matt Morgan, and how he will overcome him because he
is smarter than him. Now he's going go out and get annihilated
by Matt Morgan. King of the Mountain Qualifying Match-
Robert Roode vs. Matt Morgan Roode
uses his brains and speed to try and get the upper hand, but
runs into a big boot. Matt misses the corner charge boot and
Roode gets a big chop block and keeps the big man down
somewhat successfully for a minute. Matt, uh, Morgan's up?
Then he proceeds completely destroy Roode. Hebner causes
distraction by trying to pull Matt off of Roode in the corner
and Bobby uses his brain to yoink Morgan down and get his feet
on the ropes to... steal the win?! Shocking. Winner:
Robert Roode. Intelligence & experience > brute
strength. That's how paper beats rock, isn't it? JB tries
to get Kong and Saeed to reconsider Kong killing “random”
people in the crowd. Not gonna happen, son. Eric
Young made it to Memphis sometime in the past week and
commences his search for Elvis, even though some random guy
tells him The King died over 30 years ago. As the
Angle Turns... DAMMIT!! Why?!?! Kurt
calls Karen down to the ring. Crowd chants Karen Styles at
her. Kurt is an oblivious asshole. Karen says she wants a
divorce. Kurt brings up AJ and she says their just friends.
Kurt is on his knees begging. “We want AJ!” chant now. Karen
leaves him in the ring begging. The crowd is
pleased. Get the
Best of TNA 2007 on DVD today! Yes, there were enough good
moments from 2007 to fill a DVD, smartass. Fantastic
video of Petey Williams' ascension as Little Petey Pump and
what it took to get there (lots and lots of
torture). AJ says
he and Karen are just friends, and he had to find a partner
for a couple matches while Tomko was out. SPEAKING of large
scary bald muscle-y goatmen... here's Tomko himself. Tomko
bitches at him and for once, AJ stands up for himself, and
says he's sick of it. Tomko says he respects that, and he can
go his own way, on his own. Tomko and Styles are no longer a
team. Anticlimactic separation FTW! Sting
talks about Jeff Jarrett and back when Jeffy was a kid and met
him and Hellwig for the first time. Borash
explains the rules of the King of the Mountain Match, and
introduces the second qualifying match, but here comes Kong
and Saeed. They threaten to beat his scrawny Ron Stoppable ass
unless he announces their challenge. He does so and finds some
cute chick named Melissa, who will die after the
break. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed vs. Random
Melissa Kong
kills Melissa. Hard. Better-Than-Batista Bomb (for old time's
sake). Game Over. Melissa's knee hit herself in the face on
the Awesome Bomb. I bet that hurt. Ray
talks. I don't care. Something about payback on LAX and
Hector. Also he molests the interviewer chick a lil bit. The
waters (fat guys?) part and Booker is intense! Booker is
pissed off about his treatment and crappy locker room and
knocks over a giant locker. King of the Mountain Qualifying Match-
Booker T vs. AJ Styles AJ takes
his crown, but tosses it away, making his face turn official.
That was pretty damn cool actually. Booker
overpowers and puts the bad mouth on AJ in the corner. Booker
lays in hard shots and in some more violent strikes in the
corner. AJ dodges the hook kick and lays in some hard shots of
his own. Huge flying forearm charge, but he misses the second,
and Booker takes advantage. Wicked spin kick rocks AJ's world
after he fights out of an armlock. Cool armlock and neck
wrench thing from Booker. Huge dropkick from AJ. Tomko is most
of the way down the ramp and nods approvingly it seems. HUGE
Springboard Forearm Shot. Tomko interferes and makes AJ fall
on another springboard attempt. Bad looking Book End gets it
done. It looked like Styles slipped out of his grasp partially
or something. Winner:
Booker T Tomko is
in the ring for some post match BS. After the
break. Back and
Styles and Tomko have come to blows. Styles gets Tomko down
and Team 3D are out to cause trouble, but Styles is on fire
and fights them and Booker off until Tomko gets him from
behind. From there he gets completely maimed and busted open
by a necklace-wrapped Tomko fist, and then killed some more
after. Karen comes out, but gets chased off by Ray. More
killing of AJ ensues and he is bleeding a waterfall of blood
from his forehead. Finally Karen brings out Kurt with a chair
to make the save, but caresses the bloody remnants of AJ
Styles and the bad guys point it out. Kurt is displeased
though she tries to convince it's no big deal. AJ gets to his
knees and Kurt puts him out of his misery with the sickest
chair shot I've seen in a good while. Better
than last week, but that's damning tonight's episode with
faint praise. It wasn't great, but showed that Booker, Team
3D, Tomko, The Self Proclaimed Beautiful People, Awesome Kong
& Raisha Saeed, and Robert Roode all mean serious
business. The only faces that didn't come out of tonight
looking like ass were Roxxi Laveaux, Matt Morgan, and AJ
Styles, despite him getting an absolutely sick beating by 5
guys, that brings to mind Abyss' brutal multi-man beatdown
from some time ago. His character has turned a corner for the
better, so his murderizing at the hands of five plays well,
assuming he didn't bleed to death after we went off the air.
Best blade job since the last time Devon did one, so before I
started recapping I think. Much
better, kid. Needs another 20 minutes of wrestling though. I'm
not talking post match shenanigans either.
WRES-A-LING. TNA iMPACT! Player of the
Night!: It was an all heel week in the iMPACT!
Zone tonight. And all went over big (well Homicide technically
beat Ray, but got destroyed for it). And yeah, I'm including
Robert Roode in that, too. He stole one, but it was from Matt
Morgan, and it was by using his intelligence and experience to
overcome the adrenaline fueled giant. That was cool, and gave
me a newfound respect for his character. It was
subtle amongst all the over-the-top gang violence tonight, but
Roode went over the physically superior Morgan on his own,
with no outside help. All he needed was his wits. This and the
stellar promo he cut right before the match means that Robert
Roode is your TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night!
Congratulations, stinky. You narrowly beat AJ for this
pointless award. (Dino) Sendoff: Gwargh...
I'm tired, and I've got a lot of shit to think about. I
probably am too goddamn tightly wound for my own good. Until
we meet again, anybody who should happen to read this
half-assed piece of shit recap. Yeah, it's one of those
self-loathing days. Peace. ;D Michael "PS"
Hayes: Actually, I didn't really half-ass it
much. All the matches were really that damn short and
forgettable. And the show still somehow managed to come out
decent.
TNA
IMPACT
Samoa Joe
is here to offer the roster the chance of a lifetime. Joe
wanted to choose the participants who would try to make it to
the King of teh Mountain Match, but they Cornette wasn't down,
so they compromised and Cornette chose the first four guys,
Robert Roode, and for some reason Sting's man bitch James
Storm, Tomko, and of course Matt Morgan, leaving the other
four for him to choose, and he will do so next week. He's
lookin' for some baaaad dudes to pick for his four. Here's
apparently now heel Booker T wondering why he wasn't invited.
He is still getting mostly cheered even though he has become
tightly wound an in a perpetual bad mood. I mean, let's face
it, being tightly wound and pissed off all the time doesn't
make you a heel by itself. It's not what you've got, it's how
you use it, babeh. Damn, I should really take my own advice
there... Anyway, little talk smack and Booker attacks, only to
be run off by Cage & Rhino. Booker challenges them
to a match. Kurt is
hanging out with Frank Trigg, who leaves when creepy little
Borash shows up to bug Kurt. Kurtled has a speech for Karen
later tonight. J-to-the-O-to-the-fucking-Y (no seriously,
WHY?!?)... Kaz
talks, Almost evil Sonjay is happy and Machismo paces because
has something on his mind... Oh yeh, Bal is there
too. Johnny Devine and the Rock & Rave
Infection w/ Christy Hemme vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt, Kaz,
and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal w/ So Cal
Val Why do I
have to do an X-Division Match to to start? Sigh... at least
it's not the Machine Guns. Dutt gets beat up to start us out.
He's in full black, by the way. Darkness approaches... Dutt
gets the tag to Lethal who comes in hot with an I think
Springboard Missile Dropkick and does the Macho Jay signature
moves and something happens that I either missed or that my
throbbin' head doesn't want to remember, and the heels are
back on top. Machismo's crossbody is caught by Hoyt. He plays
air guitar on the Lethal one's arrrrrrrse and a fallaway slam.
Dutt gets a sketchy counter everything hot tag and Kax takes
care of Hoyt with a kick. Anticlimax, FTW~! Winners:
The Guru Kaz Machismo Jay pulls
a little white box from his fanny pack and drops down to a
knee before Val. Don West says he hopes Jay thought this
through and Tenay is all like what, yes, the fuck, Don West?
Jay asks Val to marry him. She says ohhhhh yeah! again and in
the background Sonjay Dutt's barely contained internal
spazzout reaction as they kiss is worth 1,001
words. Abyss is
in an asylum somewhere. He says they let him have a camera in
his cell for good behavior, though he thinks just fooled them.
He is now more man than monster, thank you (why did I write
thank you??). Apparently he is almost cured and will be able
to come home soon. So Abyss
is like part Kane and part Mankind right? He used to be more
Kane with Mankind-like hardcore tendencies, but this little
promo felt distinctly Mankind. So you know what that means
right? Ol' boy's “comin' home” as a fuckin' Dude Love
knockoff. This is purely speculation on my part, but something
is rotten in Denmark. Huh, that
weird Awesome Auger thing Billy “Man at Arms” Mays is shilling
looks kinda useful actually. Billy you magnificent sonuva
bitch, you've done it again. You're like Q except instead of
spy-fi tech you bring us weird tools to help simplify every
day living... FROM ETERNIA~!!!!!!!! I don't care if it's
stupid, dude looks like Man-At-Arms. Nash says
that he and Joe are cooler than ever, justifying something or
other. Joe talks shit in Booker T's direction. Awesome
Kong/Gail Kim video. Bad... assssssssss... TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Gail
Kim w/ my eternal love vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha
Saeed Gail is
looking hotter than ever. Oh my god. Squee! *dies* Back fist
misses and Gail throws everything at Kong and hits and runs
and gets a two count out of some fancy maneuvering. Raisha
interferes and gives Kong back the advantage. All the
Knockouts are out to look on an get into it (foreshadowing!!)
as we head to break with Kong still in control. Gail is
getting tossed around but gets a brief armbar that seems to
have an effect. Implant Buster gets 2. Kong's second rope
splash misses. Gail with a Spear! A fight breaks out amongst
the Knockouts somewhere around here. Spinning back fist gets
only two. There is no quit in Gail Kim! Senton from the top
gets two more. Gail goes up again but gets pushed off by
Angelina Love and hurts her knee. As an aside, I have a severe
aversion to seeing knee injuries (kinda like when a person
faints at the sight of blood, though not quite as bad), so
forgive me for being totally squicked. Suffice to say that
I've been there and was forever traumatized by the experience.
I almost had to change the channel after that. Awesome Bomb
and that is all. Hell of a match till the end thar. Winner:
and STILL TNA Knockouts Champion... Awesome Kong Holy
muthafuckin' shit, it really is a damn soap opera. Kurt and
Karen video.... As the Angles Turn. Fuuucking hell. Horse shit
of the highest quality is still horse shit, as this expertly
made video package of horse shit clearly
illustrates. Here
comes Kurt. He picks up a bunch of balloons on the way to the
ring. He says he wasn't kicked out, she left him. He knows she
is watching, and says she belongs with him, and he is willing
to forgive her for her mistakes. Everything will be peachy
keen as long as she accepts being 4th priority (after the TNA World
Title, his gold medal, and the kids, in that order). The crowd
is shitting all over this, by the way. As Conan O'brien says:
Come on, it's a free show, people... Okay, it is stupid. Carry
on. Hey, we
just got cut off. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see
a Ford Truck commercial. If Karen is watching, she must be all
like wtf dood? And we're back, apparently right after Kurt's
speech ended, only to go right back to commercial a few
seconds later. Borash is
with LAX. I don't speak Spanish unfortunately, so I missed
good share of this, especially while Hector Guerrero
channeling his late brother, Eddie. Non-title Match- The Motor City Machine
Guns vs. LAX (Homicide y Hernandez w/ Salinas y Hector
Guerrero) Homicide
and Shelley go back & forth until Homicide hits the
Overhead Belly to Belly. Two kind of Amigos (roll them hips
like you mean it, Homicide!) and the third onto Hernandez
shoulder for a Backbreaker. Sabin scores a kick in the head
from the apron to put the Guns on Offense. Extremely liberal
use of the double team five count ensues, but would you have
it any other way? Now answer that as if you were recapping
their matches every week? Anyway, I missed most of their
offensive onslaught anyway (Winner: and STILL TNA Beer
Drinking Champion... Not Paying Attention). Sabin tries to fly
but lands in Homicide's grip and eats a deliciously named
T-Bone Suplex. I'm hungry now. Hernandez tags in and hits the
Slingshot Double Clothesline. Would Hernandez even know how to
enter the ring normally off a late match tag anymore?
Hernandez does his best to shrink Michigan's population by
two. Cracker Jack! The Border Toss is about to happen until
Shelley hits more of an Enzuigiri than Shining Wizard off by
off his partner's back. The guns go for double suplex but
Hernandez is having none of that and suplexes both of them
instead. Winners:
LAX If the
champs are gonna win anyway, why the hell isn't it a title
match? We need more one-off title matches with random
opposition on TV to make the belts seem like more than props,
especially for the secondary and title belts. Let's defend
deeze bitches more than on ppv and against more than one
opponent over a three month period, please. Booker
says he's tired of being disrespected. Devon cuts a really
damn awesome badass promo, and Ray hardly even talks. I am
ever so pleased by that turn of events. Now just do a job once
in a while Ray. Eric
Young is headed for Memphis searching for Elvis, to prove that
heroes still exist. A guy in a lucha mask picks him up along
the highway in a nice car, and tells him to get in the back
seat. What the fuck? Eric all but tells him his life story
until the end of the vignette, when he's back by himself on
foot again on Day 4, I think. I'm not even
joking... Sting
talks to Tenay about his early years in pro wrestling, and
teaming with the future Ultimate Warrriah! as the Blade
Runners Rock (Warrior) and Flash Borden. Angelina
and Velvet completely bitch heel it up. They are so good at
it... almost too good. Makes you wonder where the line between
fantasy and reality is drawn, if indeed it is at all. Good
TV. The
Self-Proclaimed Beautiful People Angelina Love and Velvet Sky
vs. Roxxi Laveaux w/ new wardrobe, very little hair, and
stitches in the top of her head and ODB Don West
notes that Roxxi doesn't look too bad. Sinead O'Conner is who
our allegedly esteemed announcers are reminded of. Velvet
gets beat on down by ODB and Roxxi. Angelina dodges a dropkick
and the self proclaimed Beautiful People go on offense. “Lets
go Roxxi” chant. Octopus Hold w/ Arm Bite from Velvet, who's
offense is looking surprisingly inoffensive tonight. She seems
to be improving. At least she's not Maria! Hell, at least
she's not Santino Marella, for that matter! ODB finally gets
to run wild for a bit, but Sky gets the pin on ODB after some
sneakery coordinated by Love. Winners:
The self proclaimed Beautiful People... huh, bet nobody saw
that coming. Cage asks
if we really thought Booker was a good person. He knew better
back in the day 'cause they've got history. Booker and
everyone else used to look down on him. He also calls Booker a
piece of [expletive]. Gwahhh... Rhino will drag Team 3D's
broken bodies down memory lane. Back in
love again... Dammit,
why does it have to be night time. I feel like going for a
run. Ignore the fact I can run only about four blocks at a
time. Thank you. Team 3DT (Booker T and Team 3D) vs. Caged
Rhino ala Joe (TNA World Heavyweight Champion Samoa Joe,
Christian Cage, and Rhino) Rated
RCageJoe is also acceptable. Not really. Team 3D
gets the drop on Joe, but Joe gets a knee from the second
rope. It all breaks down when Booker makes the save. Cage
takes flight from on high to Ray on the floor. It's old school
TNA with an all over the place and in the crowd brawl. Ray
shoves Hector Guerrero and talks shit before heading back
towards the ring. We hit the break. Back to
it with Rhino getting beatdown. Hogan Theatrics Legdrop from
Devon for two. Ray continues to beatdown Rhino Morton. Rhino
shows signs of life but eats Ray-K Bottom... well, he's
teaming with Booker, so The Ray-K End is more appropriate.
Booker in with a Hook Kick gets a couple more. Rhino is
getting killed until he hits a desperation Spinebuster (LOL @
desperation Spinebuster!). Joe does the hot tag thing and
kills some bitches. T-Bone by Joe. Booker doesn't back down
and tries his hand but get sent to the floor in a hurry. Snap
Powerslam on Devon... and that's it? That move never wins
matches! What the fuck?! That wasn't even an out of nowhere
finish!! I want my money back!! And let's bury Devon some more
to piss off the Sweet One, because the end show wasn't bad
enough already! Oh, and take a goddamn pin for once Ray, you
obnoxious, overbearing fatass! Winners:
Samoa Joe, Rhino, and Christian Cage Postmatch
Ray goes and attacks Hector Guerrero for some desperation
cheap heat after being made to look like total tools again.
Booker stands guard with a chair while 3D pummels the stuffing
out of LAX's new mentor/sympathy punching bag. Hector is a
bloody mess when the good guys finally chase T, Devon, and
loudmouth, job not doing fatass away. End show on Hector's
bloodied face. Squee: Devon cut a
fantastic promo. Sonjay's fantastic but unacknowledged
reaction to his best friend asking for the hand of the woman
with whom he too is in love. Squick: I'm all for clean
finishes, but sometimes a bullshit finish just makes sense.
Tonight's main event is good example. Heels have been looking
really bad in TNA lately, and good god, we do not need to make
Special Delivery Devon look any worse. Seriously, he's about
an SD Jones-level Jobber to the Stars right now. The heels
needed to save face with a postmatch beatdown of their
opponents at least, and not a defenseless announcer to tie
what should be all about Booker and Joe into Team 3D's
impending feud with LAX. While the beatdown itself was pretty
much squee, there was just too much shit trying to be weaved,
and it came off poorly in my opinion. Also, as
previously mentioned, knee injuries to me is kinda like people
fainting at the sight of blood. Random Thought(s): I
can't say I expected the only heels on the show to come out on
top (The Konger notwithstanding), let alone be any kind of
dominant (which Kong was decidedly not), to be Angelina Love
and Velvet Sky. It's good that they, as a tag team, beat a
thrown together team of higher card ladies, and the feud with
Roxxi is certainly interesting. I even dig their characters,
they make me angry in the right way. I just don't enjoy
watching them wrestle very much at this point. They are not
bad really, I guess it's just a taste thing. TNA Star of the Night:
Angelina Love. Angelina's savvy to dodge the dropkick and
coordinate the sneaky victory seems to have come out of
nowhere. I guess getting your ass kicked weekly breeds
intelligence and ingenuity. Whatever the case, nobody made
more of a statement tonight. (Dino) Sendoff: TNA is
severely lacking focus. I know, I have the same problem. Until
we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and the spirit never
dies!
Peace.
Let us make yon impact! Yay verily.
TNA
IMPACT
Hey, I'm
not late for once! We start it off with Cornette clearing
things up. Matt Morgan, gay dressed Kip James, BG James, James
Storm w/ Jackie, Booker w/ huge pop, Robert Roode, This...
is... Sting!, Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed. Everybody was
bugging Cornette, but Sting. So Cornette is going to draw the
first two teams tonight. First drawn is Sting. He enters the
ring and draws his partner... James Storm. Random drawing I
swear! He enters and cuts off Cornette and talks shit and they
get into a fight. James E. sez that the teams selected are
going to fight each other one-on-one and makes Sting/Storm NO
DQ. Borash is
outside and Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner make a deal to take
out Joe in the match tonight. TerrorDome video! All the way from
Lucha-land for the best and brightest of the X-Division. And
Johnny Devine too. He's fairly average (though does have an
X-Division Title reign). Non-Title Chili 6-Way X-Division
Clusterfuck- He's hot... He's spicy... He tastes great...
Curry Man! vs. Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme vs.
Consequences Creed w/ WCW talk to the camera on the way to the
ring-ness vs. Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick, video camera, and
doofy hat vs. “Stone Cold” Shark Boy vs. TNA X-Division
Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka
Khan Devine
and Creed go back and forth in the early going and then Curry
walks on Johnny D. Sharky stomps the shit out of him. Petey
levels him from the outside and gets the tag. Rave blind tags
in and he and Devine take turns beating up Sharky. Devine
misses the 450 kneedrop. Ouchies. Curry runs wild and hits the
“Domo Lariato”. Trust me, it's much more impressive than the
name suggests. Curry Crossbody's someone from the top. Rave
and Creed make the save. Creed has almost as many wins as
Rave. Curry gets sent out then slingshot 'Rana'd by Petey on
the floor. Then Rave goes flying to the floor after a missed
corner charge. Shark Man hits the I Can't Believe it's Not
Codebreaker on somebody. You try recapping this without being
able to record. Actually don't, I don't want fired. Creed with
the dancey dance jabs. Bad editing and Creed flips out onto
three guys. Chummer on Devine(?). CreedDT. Then Creed eats
Destroyer. Some countering and whatnot and Rave kicks Petey's
face off. Damn. Curry Slingshot Suplexes Rave but the Hemme
distracts the ref. Be careful Rudy, her crotch is on fire.
Rave gets some more interference from his big partner that
holds him back. Jimmy hits that move that I didn't even know
had a name until I checked Wikipedia (Ghanarhea/The Move That
Rocks the World/Swinging Leg Hook Fireman's Carry Slam) on
Curry Man, and Jimmy Rave... wins? Seriously? Winner:
Jimmy Rave?! Believe it! Celebration the likes of a team that has
only won collectively about twice and Rave only three times
now ensues. Sting
says he and Storm are gonna do it old school, beat the hell
outta each other, and then do it some more. They'll work their
shit out and together become tag team champions. Indy!!! LAX
video. The “established teams” don't look any more established
than the random teams. Especially if Kip and BG get teamed
up. The
Knockouts are crowded into Cornette's office and we're gonna
have a shitty clusterfuck of Clippers on a Pole Match for head
shaving immunity. My second wind is officially
DEAD!!! Cage and
Rhino in the house. Cage cuts himself an awesome promo. Ray
talks shit. Brawl! Security no-showed today. Ray and Devon are
getting the best of Caged Rhino, but here comes LAX to kill
everybody. Cage gets Border Tossed onto the concrete floor.
That had to hurt. Clippers on a Pole Immunity Match-
Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Traci Brooks vs. Jackie Moore
vs. Salinas w/ sombrero and Mexican Flag and sexy dancing vs.
Christy Hemme vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal
love vs. ODB I'm not
even going to try. Just total clusterfuck. Just give a Tower
of Doom to make it through the rest of the night. Tracy drops
Gail from the second rope a good ol' face plant. Ooh, that was
pretty swank. Salinas Tornado DDTs somebody. Nice. Hemme
knocks ODB down and has a clear path but turns around for the
FFG, which fails like it always does. Super Fallaway Slam. To
Traci. From ODB. Voodoo Drop on somebody. Hey this ain't bad.
Pretty good even. Picture freakin' perfect TOWER OF DOOM!
Amazing considering Velvet Sky was in on it. This match is
proving to pretty damn good. The ring gets mostly cleared out
by various ladies, leaving only three. Jackie gets Electric
Chair'd by ODB, and Gail has a clear path and gets immunity. I
is happy now. That match was several shades of
awesome. Winner:
and immune to having her head shaved... Gail Kim! I have an
inkling this means she won't be winning though the #1
Contender's Lets Throw a Bunch of Stips Against the Wall and
See What Sticks Match though... I just
realized my girl Crystal is back! Best Backstage Interviewer
ever, though I fear that may be damning her with somewhat
faint praise. Samoa Joe talks shit and Kevin Nash is all
ominous. And why is he holding the belt? Too feel
special? No Disqualification Match- James Storm
w/o Jackie vs. Sting w/ baseball bat They
waist about three seconds going into the crowd. Storm gets
Irish Whipped through a wall. Squee. Sting brings it back out
to ringside and Storm spits beer in his face and goes under
the ring for a table. Inside the ring Storm dropkicks the
downed Stinger before he can try to fight back (brilliant),
and sets the table up in the corner. Sting fights back but
misses a splash from the top. Storm goes for the Last Call but
hits the ref. Why are we knocking out the ref in a NO
DISQUALIFICATION MATCH? Scorpion Deathlock and Jackie brings a
chair into the mix. Sting tries to wake the ref up and manages
to avoid the chairshot try. Enzuigiri by Storm and a chairshot
finally lays out Sting, but for only two. Storm misses a sad
attempt at an I guess Stinger Splash and eats one from the the
facepainted one. The one from up top hits on try number two
but doesn't put The Cowboy away. Sting takes his bat from
Jackie when she tries to intervene. Storm gets ahold of the
beer bottle but can't do anything with it. Scorpion Death Drop
but Sting opts for a Stinger Splash through the table, just to
bury Storm a little bit more. Another SDD and mercifully James
Storm's (>^(>T_T)> is over. Winner:
Sting Strange
jacket wearing Borash, of all people, takes issue with
Megastar *giggles* Kip James' ghey (allegedly) attire. Kip
says he's lead three different guys to tag titles, so he is
the standard bearer, but I require a sample. What about
Booker? Hasn't he held gold with about eight different guys?
He says he was also reason for DX's success, not the redneck,
not the barely(?) has a heartbeat kid, not Sean Waltman,
though he kinda liked him. Ooh, X-Pac Heat. And not the big
nose water spitting, well, you know. Whoever is his partner
needs to get on their knees and thank god they get to team up
with him to win the gold. Time now
to pick the next team and see everybody's entrance videos
again. Matt Morgan is picked out of the fishbowl. He pulls out
Kip James' name. Kip demands the big large hothead do exactly
what he says. Matt tells him to suck it and beats him up.
Cornette declares this match starts now. Megastar *rofl* Kip James vs. Matt
Morgan Kip gets
sent to the floor and we'll be back after these words from our
sponsors. (Future Me: Not that this match will be long enough
to deserve a commercial break...) Back with
Matt still on the attack, but he misses a charge and gets beat
up outside and back in. Matt is back on it with clotheslines
and an Avalanche (more like a car wreck) and a side slam.
Mountain Bike Kick, as his bicycle kick shall henceforth be
called, and that is all. Winner:
Matt Morgan BG runs
down the list of remaining Deuces Wild participants. He and
Booker had a similar path, though they never crossed, and he
used to wear his hair like Book's, though it looks bad on a
fat white guy, so he doesn't now. What? He said it, not me.
Robert Roode is rich and good looking (again, his words, not
mine), and BG is D-O-Double-G ugly and broke. The he gets to
Kong. He says it's time for a change, not just politically,
and wants to team with Kong. I can see it. He says standing
next to her will be the only way he looks good. Scott
Steiner talks loud and obnoxiously. Angle gives him shit.
Petey plays peacemaker because he is Canadian and gets in a
jab at Scott's twisted math from last week. Joe/Steiner/Angle video. Scott Steiner w/ Khan w/ pipe, and Kurt
Angle vs. Kevin Nash & TNA Heavyweight Champion of the
World Samoa Joe... after the break. Nash
beats up Angle out of the gate and passes him off to Joe with
one of his trademark combinations. Nash is back in and gets
raked in the eyes, but Nash is back with a big boot to
Steiner. Steiner catches him low when ref is distracted and
Kev is getting worked over like rarely happens. I honestly
thought he wasn't actually capable of playing Ricky Morton at
this point. Not that he's make the ass kicking he's taking
look that good. Chinlock on Nash but he fights out and gets a
side slam, preferred slam of tall guys everywhere. Nash is
caught, but makes the tag. However the ref wasn't looking. Joe
makes with the hot tag house cleaning anyway and leaves broken
bodies in his wake, which is quite messy if you think about
it. Anyway he eventually eats an Angle Slam and Nash goes for
a Choke Slam on Kurt, but gets pipe'd by Steiner. Big Immobile
takes a shitty looking Angle Slam himself and is pinned by
Steiner to take the loss. Winners:
Scott Steiner and Kurt Angle Nash does
the job?! On the same night Jimmy Rave won? Check the
temperature in hell. Angle is
tweaked about Steiner stealing the pin and Angle Slams him
from the second rope when he goes to celebrate. Ankle Lock and
Steiner is tapping and we gone! Sacrifice hard sell to end the
show. The Good: The TNA
Knockouts make a stupid pole match not only not suck, but be
borderline outstanding. The ladies of TNA rock. The Bad: James Storm gets
buried in berries. Take your emoticon butt secks like a man. I
just creeped myself out. Say Something Weird, Sweet
One!: Have you ever tried to recap a weird
wrestling show while messing around on eBay and looking at
porn at the same
time?
TNA
IMPACT
The
Egotistical Eight is our stupid episode title. Some nifty
shits happened last week. CurryShark vs. Motor City Machine
Guns I have no
idea if this was supposed to be a Deuces Wild match. I'm
guessing no since the MCMG lost already last week. Anyway,
this was a great match that doesn't mostly dominated by the
Guns, but it doesn't see a finish due to Steiner & Petey
coming out and beating everybody up. If they can't give me a
finish than it's not fair for me to have to do a MCMG match
out of the gate. Petey is
fully Steiner-ized, with the dye job and stuff. Sharky eats
Canadian Destroyer. Winners:
No Contest Steiner
says you'd think he'd be upset about getting skipped over. But
no, he's gonna beat Joe and make Kurt his bitch, but I require
a sample. If he isn't upset, why the fuck did he interfere in
a perfectly fine match and bury a bunch of X-Division guys?
Anyway, Angle doesn't take kindly to Steiner's words, and is
here to do something about it. He gets rid of Maple Leaf
Muscle and gets Steiner in the Ankle Lock and is making him
tap until Petey kills him from behind with the steel pipe.
Steiner puts on the Self-Titled Recliner and Joe saves the day
and stands tall. Joe/Angle
vs. Steiner/Petey will be your featured bout of the evening.
Gee, I wonder whose gonna be doing the job?
*cough*Petey*cough* AJ needs
a partner because Tomko went to Japan and got injured or
something. Cornette has the Egotistical Eight to deal with and
tells AJ if he can't find a partner in the little over an hour
he has left, than he's out of the tournament. Tenay is
in the ring and brings out Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. Angie
talks shit and gets a great heel reaction and they show
Photoshopped pictures of Gail and ODB baldified. Tenay and
West didn't know they had the computer skills. Pretty much all
pornstars have their own websites though, so it's not
unreasonable that they know their shit. Gail and the Dirty One
come out and kick their asses and challenge them to a battle
in oh, about thirty minutes. Kurt says
see that you stay away from my woman little flippy dippy
dimwit. Booker completely and utterly buries AJ when he
interrupts his phone call to ax him to be his partner, to the
tune of calling him a fan looking for an autograph,
disregarding all of his accomplishments when The Prince of
Phenomenal brings them up. I am saddened by this turn of
events. Jeez Book, uncalled for much??... Joe talks
but I can't remember what he said. Something about loving
competition and destroying people. Nash sez don't forget about
the money. Deuces Wild Qualifying Match- Kaz &
Eric Young vs. LAX w/ Salinas EY nearly
dies from pyro loudness. Kaz is mildly annoyed. Salinas
dances. Mmm... Salinas dances... don't need a pack of Topps
Heritage to get a boner off of
that. Ironically, I bought two packs of equally boner-inducing
smoothly wrapped of cards before the show. The power
guys hook it up and Hernandez gets a flying shoulderblock on
EY (yes, EY is a bonafied power guy, smallish and with *some*
high flying though he may be) after a lil countering and
whatnot. Kaz and Homicide enter and counter a bunch until Kaz
lands a bodyslam. Sometimes the basic shit is still the most
effective. Space Mountain. Wooooo! Springboard legdrop by Kaz.
Jaz runs into a Slingshot Shoulderblock from Hernandez, but
Homicide can't capitalize with a pin attempt because Hernandez
distracted the rent-a-ref. Drive By by LAX. Kaz' crossbody
gets caught by Hernandez, and he gets Sitout Powerbombed for
two. Picture perfect Overhead Belly courtesy of Homicide to
belly gets two. Synchronized corner shoulderblock/clothesline.
I love that move. So cool. There is no escaping it. Just a
brilliant maneuver. After some more Kaz punching baggery, LAX
go for it all and the Cutter off of Hernandez' shoulders. Kaz
blocks it and counters out of it. That... was ugly. Single leg
dropkick to the big one, and it's time for EY to clean
hizzouse. He scores two on 'Cide of a bridged suplex.
Hernandez gets rid of Kaz and himself. Back & forth EY and
Homicide go and 'Cide with a rollup... for the win! Kaz is
upset about losing and EY is upset for losing. LAX shows
respec'. Winners:
LAX... and Mutual Respect knuckle bumpin'! Homicide
has a mic and calls out Hector Guerrero. Commercial time.
Nonsense to follow probably. Homicide
says they studied Eddie Guerrero and the whole Guerrero family
for years, and they wanted to be like them. Homicide wants
Hector to be in their corner at Sacrifice, to lead them to the
gold. Hector is in. My cynical bastard meter is tingling.
Watch your back Hector. Traci is
trying to get Cornette to agree to something and Jim says she
is one of the people he can half-tolerate and says he'll think
about her proposal. Matt Morgan enters as she leaves and wants
in the Deuces Wild Tornament, and Cornette tells him he'll
just have to wait to find out if he's in. BG James attacks
Matt from behind, but the big guy fights back and security has
to pull them apart. Love and
Sky head to the ring. Focus on their butts. That is
all. You line
jumping sonuva bitch! AJ asks
Nash to be his partner. No dice-K. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs. Gail Jim
and ODB ODB
chant. Chest to chest and Angie shoves ODB but pays for it.
Gail and Big Sky tag in. Sky attacks hard but misses Gail in
the corner. Clothesline, dropkick and a body slam. Lucha
Armdrag not so much, thanks to Love interference, and Gail
gets crotched. Snapmare off the ropes by Sky as we hit the
break with the force of 1000 40-watt light bulbs. Hmm... that
reminds me. I need to pick up a few light bulbs... Love is
killing Kim, and double teaming off the distraction. Rollup
and another by Kim, but she gets blasted down again. Double
Clothesline and both women are down. Tags made and ODB cleans
house. ODB hits the Fallaway Slam, favorite power move of
redneck powerhouses ages 9-95 everywhere. Sky attacks from
behind. All she gets is a second rope crotch in the face press
for a near fall though. Angie gets removed from the ring by
Gail and kick a couple of times. Running Powerslam wins it for
the faces. Winners:
ODB and Gail Kim The good
girls celebrate but Angie attacks Gail from behind... *anime
nosebleed* Ahem, ODB recovers and the the double team is on.
Angelina escapes, but Roxxi is here to attack her from behind
(hehe) and toss her back in for a 3-on-1... something. Gail
delivers a forearm, and ODB gets a shot in as well, and Roxxi
finishes things with a Voodoo... uhh, drawing blank. The three
heroines celebrate, and ODB offers her flask to Roxxi, who
takes a swig, and Gail does too! Storm and
Roode are doing their things in the back and Roode says last
week is water under the bridge while he reads the paper.
Slightly drunk Storm asks him if he's reading the comics and
he tells him he's looking at stocks and bonds. Storm asks if
je means Barry Bonds. This is surreal... AJ asks for one of
them to be his partner. Apparently the bottle of spirits he
brought as a bribe was inferior, and Storm gives him an earful
about it. He calls Karen a skank and AJ gets up in his face.
Roode separates them and tells AJ it's two on one, and not in
the prince's favor. Another no from Roode and Storm and AJ is
in a pickle. Storm grabs up all his beer before he leaves. AJ
is a dejected panda, but a shadow looms over the guys. Wow,
just like the Christmasepisode with Eric Young. (Peanut
Gallery: Shut up about the Christmas episode! We had almost
erased it from our memory!) AJ asks if the mystery guy will be
his partner and apparently it is so. Is he teaming up with
Santa? Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament
Qualifying Match- Rock & Rave Infection vs. “The Prince of
Phenomenal” AJ Styles and... Super Eric?!... The
hell? DW and
Tenay tell us how it doesn't make sense. Now that I think
about it, that was pretty good foreshadowing of it being Eric
though. It was eerily similar to the Christmas episode.
(Peanut Gallery: *Death Glare*) Uhh... moving on. AJ
outmaneuvers Rave and hits a backbody drop. Eric is in and
Rave escapes to his corner. Hoyt is in and the power guys
stare down. Two shoulderblocks get nothing for Super Eric, but
a Flying Forearm does the job. AJ is in and they hit a double
hiptoss. A not quite two count and Hoyt fights back and makes
the tag. Phenomenal dropkick to Rave. Hemme tries to distract,
but AJ is a one (two?) woman man and is with Karen. Hemme is
displeased and trips him when he is back in the neighborhood.
Huge STO from Jimmy. Styles takes a double team back elbow and
elbow drop. Hoyt plays air guitar on AJ hindquarters and does
that spinny slam thing that doesn't have a name that I know
of. AJ fights out of Rave's rest hold but can't quite escape,
so he hits a Pele. Don West covers his end of the deal. Super
Eric with the hot tag and housecleaning. Rave gets set up top
and Hoyt gets caught in a fireman's carry. He gets Rave up
there too but they escape. Decapitation Clothesline from SE
gets two. Eric blocks the Tilt-a-Whirl Armbar and AJ backflips
off of them onto Hoyt and 'Ranas him out of his boots. Death
Valley Driver ends it. Winners:
Super Eric and AJ Styles Sting
says Cornette is right and this place is a loony bin. The
business changes people. No wai! Tenay and
West talk about the Innovation, leading to a preview of the
newest concept from TNA... The Terror Dome! Daisy Haze(!!!!) vs. Cheerleader
Melissa Well this
is a nice surprise. I hearts me some Haze, but I didn't expect
to see her here. Does the slight modification of the same name
count as enough of a change? The Sweet One
ponders... Meslissa
overpowers Haze, but the Hazey One outquicks her. Headlock
takeover by Haze. Armdrag and headscissors, but Melissa shakes
it off and overpowers. Hair tosses and a suplex for a near
fall. Haze fights back but gets dropped with a sick forearm.
Heart Punch by Haze draws boos. Melissa counters whatever was
coming next and hits a KUDO DRIVER(!) and it's
academic. Winner:
Cheerleader Melissa A lil too
much shilling going on, but a nifty lil match nonetheless, and
they did put over how these two n00bs were looking to impress
TNA management, and noticed when stuff was
happening. Scott
Steiner brings us some kinda twisted math. According to him,
after he runs the numbers, he has a 143.3% chance of beating
Joe at Sacrifice. The numbers don't lie. Uhh, okay... TNA X-Division Champion “Maple Leaf
Muscle” Petey Williams and Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan vs.
Kurt Angle and TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa
Joe Joe beats
up Petey. Back chop/kick/kneedrop combo. Nonchalant flying
attack dodge. Vintage Joe! Yeah... Angle gets in but Petey
uses his athleticism and gets a drop toe hold and a dropkick
on the back of the Angle's shiny head. Steiner is in and
presses the attack, but gets caught with an overhead belly to
belly. Joe kicks his ass for a bit but misses Petey Pump's
blind tag and continues beating everloving hell out of Scott.
He finally turns around in time to eat a missile
dropkick. And now
the conclusion of the main event. Clothesline/elbow
drop/push-ups from Steiner. Petey is in and Joe fights back,
but Steiner catches him with a knee and Petey scores with a
Spinning Heel Kick. Overhead belly to belly from Steiner.
Steiner gets caught and slammed down in the corner, but Petey
dodges then drops Joe. Both men are down. Petey goes up top
but jumps right into a boot. Joe goes to tag Kurt, but flips
him off instead and does his own hot tag. Hilarity ensues.
Petey manages a jawbreaker but gets Snap Powerslammed. Steiner
saves. Angle takes Pumpy out and Joe ends it with a Muscle
Buster to Petey Winners:
Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle Angle
sneaks up on Joe and German Suplexes him and puts the Ankle
Lock on. Steiner chases Kurt out of the ring with the pipe.
Joe groggily gets to his feet and Steiner lays him out with
the pipe. Steiner and Petey celebrate with the
gold. But the
show's not over yet! Borash
tries to get a scoop but Cornette tells him to drink a bowl of
Valium soup. Hehe. James E. Cornette is about to shock the
world. Too many
commercials for a terrible M. Night Shyamalan movie. TNA
should take a cue and and start promoting the hell out of
iMPACT! like that though. Recap of
what we just saw. Cornette
is in the ring with the titles. It's time to bring out the
egotistical 8. Matt
Morgan is out first. Kip James is here and dressed weird as
ever. BG James and his awesome new theme is out next. Never
met a beer he didn't like, out now is James Storm w/ Jackie.
Booker T now here after his unfortanate dressing down of AJ,
who is in the tournament already. The Wizard of Wallstreet
Robert Roode. And This... is... Sting! The
Konger licks her lips as we fade to black. Lance Storm and his
big mouth... Wow, I
have no idea if this was a good show or not. But certainly
highly interesting to say the least. I was entertained anyway.
Neil's job is probably gonna suck though, since this
clusterfuck culminates on his watch. (Dino) Sendoff: Apologies
for getting the recap in right around the deadline the past
few weeks. It's been the best time for me lately... *Le sigh*
Until our next, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and my Turkey Red
cards still aren't
here...
Moral: Don't interrupt Booker when he's
on the phone.
He also calls Joe a sexually inadequate
fatass, at least compared with Poppa of Pump. Not touching
that one.
Cornette starts to go on, but remembers
there is still one left yet to introduce. But who could it
Drumroll please... the TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome
Kong?!?!?!?! What a twist!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
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CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
