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April 03, 2008
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April 24, 2008
What are You Willing to Sacrifice? Booker T has some things to get off his chest and calls
out Sting. They had BG with them last week to temper things, but the ring might just explode from all the awesome this time. This... is... Sting! Booker talks about history and apologizes. Robert Roode and James Storm w/ Jackie are here to cause
trouble. Storm makes like magnificent bastard that he is and calls them old, talking about how cool they were in the '80s,
and should get married cause of all the buddy-buddy shit. Sting's makeup is perfect and Booker's weave has never looked better.
Booker is my all-time favourite, and Sting's up there pretty high, but... Bwahahahahahahaha!!! That's comedy gold right there.
Oh yeah, Roode said something too I think. At some random door somewhere in the maze that they call
"the back", Borash is with AJ, who calls the tournament crap. Karen arrives and they go off to do... I dunno. There really
is no purpose for either of them to be here if AJ isn't wrestling tonight, quite honestly. AJ tells Kurt's little toady not
to rat them out. I think not. Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying Match-
Job Monsters vs. Team 3D Rellik is on the attack, but Ray gets a side slam and
a double suplex. Rellik fights back on Devon and makes the tag. Flying shoulderblock for two. Reign breaks up a pin and things
break down. Ray takes out Rellik and Reign ducks a clothesline that Devon stops just in time to avoid hitting Ray. They argue
and Reign shoves Devon into Ray. Time to kill this match's momentum dead. BRB yo. Back and Brother Devon gets worked over until Rellik gets
caught up top and Superplexed. Ray makes the hot tag and runs wild, sammiching both monsters with an avalanche in the corner.
The crowd is very forgiving apparently and is now actively and loudly cheering on Team 3D. Big huge Uranage outta the corner
by Ray. Wow. I approve. Devon goes up top, but gets dropped by Rellik, who then lays out Ray. Devon saves. Ray gets rid of
Reign. 3D! Rellik is enod. Someone in the crowd has a big Shadow the Hedgehog doll for some reason. Winners: Team 3D... thankfully. Team 3D makes peace after the match. The Knockouts have invitations. Kurt Angle never loses to the same man twice, and it'll
be him facing Rick Steiner at Sacrifice. You mean Scott? Whatever. Now leave me, my weird little minion. Borash starts to
go and then tells him Karen is here, and they go to find here. Awesome video package of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. Joe
is 6'2”? I... did not know that. I thought he was like 5'10”, but maybe that's just him seeming so short around
Big Immobile. Hmm... Earlier, Tenay talked to Joe while he was training...
with Nash? Not exactly MMA training. Nash says now the real battle begins. Joe says something too. Tenay looks inquisitive,
or has gas. You decide! No, I
don't wanna recap this tag title bullshit from last week!
Boo!! Eric Young
says he isn't Super Eric. It's all a rumor. Kaz was upset, but
forgave Eric. They've got another chance next week, and he
tells Eric to tell Super Eric to stay away. EY reluctantly
agrees. Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying
Match- The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Caged Rhino (Rhino and
Christian Cage) Shelley
and Cage start. Shelley works the arm. Asai Sliced Bread...
no. Unprettier... no. Respec! Jawbreaker on Rhino and Sabin is
in and gets beat up. Clothesline. Belly to belly. Gore! Gore!
Gore! Misses! Misses! Misses! Rhinoman rolls oot. Sabin gets
knocked off by Cage when he goes up, but Shelley kicks him out
and Tope con Hilos on to both of them. The Guns are in
control. Rhino gets
some double team waif fu before Shelley gets caught in a
Spinebuster. Shelley gets his ass kicked by Cage & Rhino
for a bit. Sliced Bread connects on Cage. Sabin with the hot
tag and a springboard dropkick. Can't... keep... up...
Springboard clothesline. Sabin gets his finish countered. TKO
on Shelley. HUUUUUUUUGE Implant DDT to Sabin. Sabin kicks out!
Sabin counters a double back body into a double DDT. Up top
Cage gets rid of Sabin's Superplex attempt, but misses the
Frog Splash. Kick Combo Finish on Cage, Rhino Gore's Shelley,
and Cage ducks Sabin. Unprettier FTW! Whoo, awesome
match. Winners:
Christian Cage and Rhino Jim
Cornette brings out the Knockouts. They've all got a match at
Sacrifice. Start with a (Thankfully Normal) Battle Royal. Then
the last two have a #1 Contender Ladder Match. Then for the
loser of part two, it becomes a Hair vs. Hair Match... all in
the same fucking match... The new
chick says Cornette's officially lost it.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!111111 I want Crystal back in the
WORST way but this one is officially okay in my book
now. Booker
says it's all about winning, like when they teamed up to beat
the Road Warriors in 1996. This begs the question... have they
ever teamed besides then? Sting is off his talky talk game
tonight. Robert Roode and James Storm vs. Booker T
and Sting Storm and
Roode are color coordinated. Red is not Storm's color. Storm
doesn't really get anywhere, in fact pretty much dominated,
after the cheapshot from Roode on Booker. Sting takes on Roode
and beats him up after taking a few hits to wake up. Punches
from on high in the corner and then a dropkick finds it's
mark. Booker is in to work over Bobby until Roode hits an
enzuigiri from behind on the apron when ref wasn't looking.
Booker is in trouble as we hit the break. Bacon Club
Chalupa is intoxicating. I could eat like 16 in one sitting...
well, once upon a time I could. 11 is probably the limit now.
Still entirely too much. Storm
keeps on the attack. Storm snapmare. Roode neck snap. Storm
legdrop. Roode kneedrop. Bambambambam. Nice. Storm bites
Booker, though Mr. Gay Marriage put his cowboy hat on and
obscured the view. Coulda been a kiss. Roode is killing Booker
some more now still, but he runs right into a Spinebuster.
Sting does the hot tag thing complete with Self-Titled
Splashes and gets two on Storm. Roode saves and it all breaks
down. Booker fires up with kicks on Roode but Jackie trips him
up before he can Kick Ax. Roode DDTs Booker, but
miscommunication on the heels part allows Sting to hit the
Scorpion Death Drop on Storm ftw. Jeez guys, throw these bums
a bone. Storm is getting berried lately. Winners:
Sting and Booker T The bad
guys get into a shoving match and Jackie has to get in between
them, though it doesn't do a lot of good. Kurt
tracks down Karen tells her and AJ to get to steppin'. As long
as there is a Kurt and Joe, there can't be a Kurt and Karen...
damn. That's basically saying as long as there is a Kurt and
athletically gifted portly Samoan, there can't be a Kurt and
disproportionately hot wife that likes anal. When you boil it
down to the basics like that, Kurt Angle's priorities must
seriously be questioned. Cornette
talks about Sacrifice and how today's pampered wrestlers have
it so much easier than back in the day. He knows how everyone
hates him and talks shit behind his back. And someone stole
his strawberries out of the fridge last week. He's got plans
that will sacrifice bodies and maybe even careers. He is going
to prove he is the puppet master. He's got the new chick
unnerved though he claims he's just a good Christian
businessman. He laughs maniacally as he leaves. He's very
close to snapping. He may have already. TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match-
Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe Waistlocks
and headlocks to start. Hard shoulderblock from Joe. Headlock
and another hard shoulderblock from Joe. Back to the headlock
and a wicked clothesline drops Angle. Side headlock takeover.
Angle backs him into the corner and plays into Joe's power and
gets taken over again. He backs Joe into the corner again and
rakes the eyes and hits the Eauropean Uppercut. Suicide dive
and Angle is reeling. Time for commercials. Manhattan
Drop/Running single leg dropkick thing/Senton. Facewash and
one on the run. All Joe. Snap Suplex for two more. Cross
Armbreaker. Angle gets to the ropes. Angle fights back and
hits a Release German. Chinlock variation. Overhead belly to
belly from Angle. Chinlock and Joe is starting to fade. Joe
catches the corner charge and slams Angle down. He punches
Angle, but gets admonished by Hebner for the close fist. Angle
sends him over the top and to the floor. Joe hurt his knee...
somehow. Apparently his back is connected to his knee, because
he hit it pretty hard on the apron. Angle starts to work the
leg over and we'll be right back. Back and
Angle locks in the Figure Four, which means there is plenty of
time to tell you that during the commercial a trainer was
checking Joe and Nash came out keep him fighting. Joe just
makes the ropes. Angle continues to wrench the leg. Joe fights
back but can't move very fast. Doesn't matter when he gets a
Spinebuster gets a very near two. Snap Powerslam gets another
near fall. Kurt catches Joe with an Angle Slam but gets only
two. Angle busts out the Moonsault, but misses. Choke
attempted but countered into the Ankle Lock. Joe can't kick
Angle away, but kicks his leg out from under him right into
the Choke. Angle fades fast but isn't far from the ropes and
reaches out and touches something. The ropes. To break the
hold. Joe misses Angle with a blind kick, but nails Hebner.
Uh-oh, ref down. Another Angle Slam and the Ankle Lock is back
on. Joe kicks Angle away and face first into a lead pipe
wielded by Scott Steiner. The winded Joe hits a Piledriver of
some sort. Hebner is recovered enough to count the pin. One...
Two... Three! Winner:
... and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa
Joe! Steiner
gets up in the not so much with the conscious Angle's face
screaming incoherently about being disrespected. When he
stares down da champ, Joe paintbrushes him. Cornette says he
saw what happened, and nothing is settled here, but it will
all be settled at Sacrifice, when it will be Joe vs. Steiner
vs. Angle in a three-way. Lol, yeah. Steiner is displeased.
End show. Woo, what
a good episode of iMPACT!~!! Only four matches, but they all
got tons of time. Two were good, two were outstanding. I could
watch Cage & Rhino vs. The MCMGs all day... as long as I
don't have to recap it. :P (Dino) Sendoff: So much
crap on my mind. I hope this was up to snuff for y'all out
there tonight. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley.
So long from the Sunshine State. <---- meaningful
reference Peace sexy
people.
;)
Jim Cornette is here to try (and probably fail) to restore some order. He announces
the Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament for the Tag Team Championship at Sacrifice. Basically 8 regular teams will face off in
qualifying matches over the next couple weeks. Then the four winning teams will go onto Sacrifice to take on four teams of
randomly selected singles wrestlers in a tournament. Basically. And tonight, with everybody looking for a fight, it'll be
Roode & Storm vs. Booker & Sting.
But
seriously though, all the most likely crappy booking is being
saved for the PPV (sorry Neil), and the wrestling really took
center stage tonight. Super Eric free, if not completely EY
free, though lacking in the Curry Man department.
We pick it
up with the new TNA Heavyweight Champion of the World, Samoa
Joe, on his way to the ring. Ooh, it's like The Sports
Machine. Huh? Joe says we are the champs to fans. He says he
put everything on the line for one shot. He puts over Angle as
the baddest man he's ever been in the ring with. He
relentlessly thanks the fans. Doth protest too much?... Not
enough? Orlando gets put over by Joe bigtime too. Somebody's
in a good mood. Oh, right. It's real, it's damn
real. Here comes
Scotty Steiner and the rest of Team HGH? Has that stupid name
I came up with caught on yet? Sweet Daddy Charley wonders...
Big Poppa Pump talks about Sacrifice, and the sacrifices Petey
made to earn his respect, and gives him the X-Division Title
shot, to use how Little Petey Pump sees fit. He then turns his
attention to Jojo and talks about the sacrifices he's made to
get to where he is. Gee, I wonder what the next pay-per-view
is called? I think it's “Giving Up Things in the Hopes of
Achieving Something Greater”. Yeah. Anyway, he
calls Joe a fatass, because he is a braindead jock. Steiner
runs him down, but Joe looks mildly amused. Perhaps it's the
high of winning the title, or perhaps Scott has surprisingly
fresh breathe, or maybe it's because this is the first time
he's been up close for an occasionally racist Scott Steiner
tirade. Either way, lets knock off the meandering jibba-jabba,
so we can finish this debacle and get to sleep. He
surprisingly calls Joe the semi-clever (by Skip Bayless
standards), Genetic Junk. He's held world titles everywhere
but here in TNA, and that all changes at Sacrifice, where Joe
will be his sacrificial lamb. Before he can say anything
racist, Kurt Angle's music hits. Angle
says, man-to-man, that Joe beat him at LockDown. He always
learns from his matches, and never makes the same mistakes
twice. He says Steiner has earned his title match even though
the last big win he had was against the Road Warriors with his
idiot brother in 1975. Road Warriors reference FTMFW!
Oooooooooh, what a rush! Even though I'm pretty sure none of
the above were in pro wrestling until many years after 1975.
Even Rick. Anyway, Angle has a rematch and he's gonna use it
next week here on iMPACT!. Whatever
happened here isn't up there, though it leads to two of our
featured contests this evening, a 5-2 backstage beatdown of
Cage & Rhino and attempted mind games from Team 3D, trying
to drive a wedgie between the too suddenly buddies again Cage
and Rhino. Good thing I was *somewhat* prepared this
week. TNA X-Division Championship Match- Johnny
Devine vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal Hermie
Sadler's decent commentary and annoying voice join us for this
match. Devine
goes on the attack before the bell, and proceeds to beat the
ever loving hell out of Machismo. Ever loving hell sounds more
like Sonjay though. Slingshot Legdrop to Machismo on the
apron. Impressive. More beating. Devine hangs Lethal up on the
top rope and crashes down from the medium rent district.
Devine with a HUUUUUUUUGE Moonsault gets, but only two. Devine
goes for the Intervention, but Lethal counters with an Alabama
Slam. Clotheslines, Flying forearms, Enzuigiris, Springboard
Missile Dropkicks, Lethal Combinations, Lethal Elbows that
actually look decent for once, and pinfalls. Winner:
Jay Lethal Petey
Williams beans Lethal in the face with the X-Division case
while he celebrates. Commercial! Back in
time to see Petey stomp the case with Lethal's head in it. He
tornado DDT'd him on the case during the break, not that you
could damage Jay's already kayfabe batshit insane cranium. He
puts the bad mouth on Machismo, mushy mouthed and angrily
ranty kinda like Steiner, and tells sad sack referee to ring
the bell which he reluctantly does. TNA X-Division Championship Match- Petey
Williams vs. Even More Dazed and Confused than Normal “Black
Machismo” Jay Lethal Canadian
Destroyer. That is all. Winner:
And NEW X-Division Champion, Petey Williams Way to
punk out Jay Lethal AGAIN, TNA! LAX
speaks! Too fast for me understand and occasionally in another
language, which I didn't understand either. I think it had
something to do with them getting a title shot
tonight. And just
who is this new blond? I want my Crystal back! She's the best
backstage interviewer in the history of professional
wrestling. And SOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier on the eyes than Mean
Gene to boot. Matt
Morgan is here. Cornette is like a father figure to him. He
told him timing is everything. His time is now. More talk of
sacrifices and whatnot. Yep. Samoa Joe
is a badass. Nash pops up out of nowhere and looms in the
background while Joe talks. Not strangely, not menacingingly,
just straight up, out and out, CREEPILY. Line crossed? Oh my
yes. TNA World Tag Team Title Three Way Match-
LAX w/ Salinas vs. Eric Young & Kaz vs. TNA World Tag Team
Champions Tomko and AJ Styles AJ beats
up Eric, but Ey fights back. TNA Mobile is pimped while Kaz
tags in and hits a slingshot DDT on AJ. Kaz enzuigiris
Hernandez for no apparent reason before continuing his attack
on AJ. Of course it bites him in the ass when he goes back to
that side of the ring and gets a slingshot shoulderblock. Eric
runs away because Tomko leveled him. Time to put on shirt and
mask and cape. He gets a jawbreaker on AJ just before the
break though. Kaz keeps
fighting and drops both of the champs, but has no one to tag
out to. Gringo Cutter on Kaz. Tornado Suplex on Kaz. LAX make
the save. Homicide and Tomko go tumbling to the floor. BIG MAN
DIVE on Tomko. Styles eats on heeuva Flux Capacitor! Here
comes super Eric. Kaz tags him in. AJ loses tries to take him
on, but eats a Bridging Suplex that wins the tag team titles
for Super Eric and the Kaz Wonder. Winners:
Super Eric and the Kaz Wonder Kaz is
goof spelled backwards takes it in the ass again, wrestling
the whole match by himself, then tagging out to Super Eric,
who gets the pin without breaking a sweat. (Future Me: It gets
worse...) AJ and
Tomko complain to Cornette about outside interference from the
Super Eric, because they themselves claim aren't the same
person, which means that while this all about to get
incredibly stupid, that is a *somehow!* completely logical and
very smart complaint from the former champs. Cornette
disagrees with that statement, but agrees to talk to Eric to
shut them up. LockDown Revenge Match- Team 3D vs. Rhino
and Christian Cage Christian
starts strong on Devon and hits an inverted DDT. Brother Ray
uses his size to his advantage, which you'd think he'd
actually do once in awhile, but no, almost never. He gets
outmaneuvered and back elbowed from the second rope though.
Rhino is in and goes on the attack until he misses in the
corner, though he did stop himself from going shoulder first
into the post, just face meeting turnbuckle and not even that
hard really. He has good breaks. Rhino drops both once upon a
time Dudleys via double clothesline. Cage goes high rent and
crossbodies both Ray and Devon. BRB. TNA- Cross
the Line! Of coherence! Back and
Cage gets beat up thanks to getting yoinked out and blasted by
Ray while I had to watch retarded commercials. Nondescript
offense in 3 glorious, round (in Ray's case) dimensions.
Awesome Delayed Vertical Suplex from Devon. Tree of Woe and
stepping on nuts. Ray is up top, but thanks to a Rhino
distraction, gets punched in the manhood. Cage scores a
Frankensteiner on Ray! Rhino runs wild for a moment before
getting sent out. Cage goes for Unprettier, be Ray rscapes and
works over the reproductive region again with a low blow.
Rhino goes for Gore! Gore! Gore!, but hits Cage by mistake. He
ducks a clothesline from Devon though and Ray eats it. Rhino
rolls up Devon for the W. Dammit, why the fuck can Ray never
take a pin? What the fucking hell? Winners:
Rhino & Christian Cage In a bit
of a swerve, or at least semi-dramitic turn of events, it is
Team 3D left arguing in the ring. The shoving match has to be
broken up by security. Didn't one set of of
kinda-sorta-but-not-really-brothers already break up within
the past several weeks? Cornette
talks to Super Eric, whose playing with little plastic army
men. Yeah, it goes about as well as expected... he tells him
to meet come to the ring to settle get things figured
out. Then he
goes and bitches out the entire women's locker room, for no
apparent reason except they were being noisy and arguing and
he's in a bad mood. What an asshole moment, not that he isn't
entitled to angry outbursts with the shit he has to put up
with though. But still, way to kick the dog, Jim. Cornette
is in the ring with Tomko & Styles. He apologizes for the
stupidity. I do not accept! And apologize to the Knockouts
that rate higher than anything else on this clusterfuck of a
show! Here comes Kaz with the belts. Super Eric takes his
sweet time but shows up just before Cornette can count three
and strip him and Kaz of the titles. “Fast Talking Man”
(Cornette) tries to get Eric to say who he is, but no... not
even “Tanned Handsome Ladies Man” (Kaz) can get him to say who
he is... for he is Super Eric, son of Moltar, father of Zion!
Whawhawha?! The fuck you say? Cornette strips the Super Eric
and The Kaz Wonder of their newly won titles. BUT... he does
not hand them back to Styles and Tomko. They are vacant and
Cornette will make some kind of ruling next week. Tag Titles
vacant! Kip James,
James Storm, and Robert Roode cut an awesome promo, due mostly
to that magnificent bastard Storm calling out the full of
himself Kip for being jealous that his cowboy gimmick from
back in the day didn't get over, then stopping in the middle
of what he was saying to tell him to quit eying him. He calls
Sting a clown and whatnot, and Roode talks shit at Booker and
rallies the troops. TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Roxxi
Laveaux vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha
Saeed... after the break! Kong beats
Roxxi down bad. Laveaux fights back for a second, but gets
nowhere. Huge legdrop gets two. Second rope splash from the
Konger misses. Roxxi hulks up and gets the HUUUUGE running
boot for a very near fall. Roxxi dodges Spinning Back Fist and
hits a Swinging Neckbreaker! Senton gets two more. Roxxi tries
to get the Voodoo Crusher, which I think might actually be
possible due to her height and not having to actually lift the
giant, making her the only woman remotley capable of beating
Kong that's also remotely capable of hitting her finisher. It
doesn't work though, and the Spinning Backfist and Awesome
Bomb end it. Another day perhaps. Hopefully. Winner:
Awesome Kong Kurt Angle
whines about losing his room and says he's going to get his
title back next week. Wow, all of Angle's split personalities
in one 40 second segment. It's like... the embodiment of this
episode's bipolarness in one quick little segment. 6 Man LockDown Revenge Tag Match- Kip
James, “Cowboy” James Storm w/ Jackie Moore, and Robert Roode
vs. BG James, Booker T w/o Sharmell, and ladies &
gentlemen, this is... Sting! Booker and
Kip start the match after Roode backs off. Kip gets the upper
hand, but loses it quickly. Chops, forearms, knees, and here
is Sting. Roode goes through the Stinger wringer and BG is in.
He gets his punches and a shot on Kipper. Back stabber gets
two. Break! Back and a
standing dropkick from Roode to BG. Corner clothesline, then
the rolling neck snap thing and BG is reeling. The crowd
chants “we want Booker!” BG and Roode knock heads. Tags and
Storm and Booker are in. Booker cleans house for a bit with
educated feet and a Spinebuster. Spinaroonie! Roode will have
none of that, and kicks him really hard. Jackie tosses Storm
the beer bottle. Here's Matt Morgan to the rescue for no
apparent reason. (Future Me: Upon further review, there is a
reason, but it isn't that goot of one...) Bicycle kick lays
out the magnificent bastard. Ax Kick. Game over. Winner:
Booker, BG James, and Sting Booker is
confused about what happened, and BG and Sting tell him as
Morgan comes out of hiding, He gets on the stick and is pissed
off about the help, and tells Sting off for being down with
the cheating and pushes him. He says if he's man enough to
take a piece, he's welcome to try and take one. Next week.
Ooh, legend/almost legend clash. Booker gets cheered as he
heads for the vortex. Sting is in the ring shocked
(stung?). Preview of
next week and aloha means goodbye. This is
the crappy but unpredictable bipolar TNA I'm used to. Plenty
of good, plenty of bad, plenty of ridiculous. Very little in
between, and wild swings between the three from segment to
segment, and sometimes within one. Even the ol' outta nowhere
heel turn got at least teased. (Dino) Sendoff: Apparently
there was an earthquake somewhere in the Midwest last night.
My chair and thing my computer rests on started shaking around
the said time it happened. And again in time with another
fairly strong one happened several hours later when. I didn't
feel anything when I freaked out and got up, and nothing
sturdier so much as moved, so it must've been pretty far away
from here. Either that or my place is haunted... I think I
prefer the distant earthquake theory. Yet another thing to add
in to an already pretty crappy night. Oh well, it's raining,
but not storming, so I'm a lil better now. And my slick as
shit Kosuke Fukudome card came today. The blog
pretty much came and went and I realized the urge had passed a
week into it. This lil sendoff is all the blog I'm feelin'
right now. I did sneak in a Lita joke in though, which is
nice. Or not. Hey, this is really random & shit. I better
wrap it up. Until we
meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley (feeling a gimmick change
coming on... or maybe it's just mild indigestion), and I've
got to stop falling for women who are taken. See? That shit is
blogger-riffic right
there.
The new chick isn't
horrible I guess, but where the fuck my girl go?
TNA
Wrestling: Cross the Line... of sane booking. Yeah. Last week
on iMPACT, and tonight's “It All Ends in the Cage!” Pyro,
ballyhoo, and a rundown of some of tonight's card. Heeeeeeeere's Team Tomko while Tenay gives
us the lowdown on Lockdown. Tomko's
eye is fucked up... Ewww. Ray talks because he can. Well, if
it's a good enough reason to try and kill the hook for the
entire company, it's good enough to talk loud and angrily. He
says Team Cage didn't get over on them, they just pissed Team
Tomko off. He tells Matt Morgan not to show up in Boston. He
turns his attention to his opponents tonight, saying Sting and
Nash are the reason WCW went outta business. Hmm... Nash
maybe. Team Cage is out and
Christian says Ray is like Hilary Clinton in a fat suit, then
takes it back because Hilary has more balls. This is why he
always told Tomko not to think. The Champ is always one step
ahead. And at Lockdown, they leave Team AJ tries
to challenge Team Cage to the, uh, tune of “Don't bring it,
sing it”, and gets abandoned when the vastly superior (3 main
eventers, a soon to be hugely pushed giant, and a Rhino >
two tag teams and... James Storm? Seriously?) opposition
advances, and narrowly escapes. Joe says
he'll sign the contract in his own blood. Still 7-3
in the top of the 8th. Fontenot
is up with a runner on second and one out. A graphic comes up
that says Cubs are tied for the NL lead in stolen bases with
11. Yay. Diving in the hole, the shortstop whose name I don't
know makes the nifty play. Two out, runner on third for Derrek
Lee. Angle
talks shit and percentages, then shit some more. Blah, no
care-y. Time to
face the consequences! Next! Final X-Scape Qualifying Match- Jimmy Rave
w/ Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme vs. Consequences Creed w/
Awesome Entrance Theme Hoyt gets
a brief flurry but gets slammed and legdropped. Wicked STO by
Rave and he's all over Creed. Finally he has enough and throws
Rave in the corner and clotheslines him. The newcomer is
rolling until Hemme distracts. Rave gets a pair on a rollup
off some Hoyt trippery. Joyt eats flying fist of fury though
and we got shuffle jabs and dancing and splits before the big
one. A... Hammerlock DDT gets the win for Consequences Creed.
Nice. Winner:
Consesquences Creed Creed joins the Black
Machismo is at his Randy Savage best, and Guru, wearing black
tights (hidden highlight of evil!) makes with the compliments
and googly eyes on Val and leaves to go shopping with her.
Machismo is finally wondering wtf?! Finally! Still 7-3
in the top of the 9th. Aramis
Ramirez gets grazed by a pitch, but nothing doin'. Cornette
says Big Bubba Morgan has been relieved of his duties as his
assistant. Morgan is
with Crystal in the back for a rebuttal and says he was sick
of it and jumped at the chance when Cage came to him. It's
time go his own way and he can take on 99... no 100% of the
TNA roster. Everyone will know why they call him the most
genetically jacked, athletically stacked giant going today. I
wonder who these they are who call him that. I've never heard
anyone say it, and I write recaps of this clusterfuck, so I'd
know. Obviously. Bottom
9th begins the (hopeful) end.
Kerry Wood is in, in a non-save situation. Ooh
Gametrailers TV has the exclusive preview for TNA iMPACT!: The
Game, because we can't all be Derek Burgan. Disturbing
yet awesome video of Steiner's torturous initiations and
hatred for Canadians. Team HGH... allegedly (Steiner and Petey)
vs. The Motor City Machine Guns Sabin
outmaneuvers Petey and the Guns double team the shit out of
him with suplexes and legdrops, then make with the double team
kicks on Steiner, then a little more double teaming for Petey.
Jawbreaker/Spinning Heel Kick combo from Petey. Steiner is in
and Rhaka is out with a mysterious black bag. Commercial time
is here again. Apparently
the game ended during before this break. That gimmick kinda
petered out anticlimactically... didn't even get a post game
show. Just straight to Funniest Something or Other. What a
ripoff. Steiner
does his thing for a little bit. Then Sabin fights back and
bulldogs Petey and the speed goes back up to 15. Lots of
highflying and Superkicks ensue. Springboard-ish Tornado DDT.
To Petey Williams. From Alex Shelley. Aww, you shouldn't have.
Steiner saves after a Shelley frogsplash gets two, then he
promptly gets missile dropkicked out of his boots by Super
Sabin. Sick double team move that I don't have a clue how to
describe, suplex + something else entirely... but Petey kicks
out(!). Proof of Petey's toughness, though his badass meter
can probably never surpass 8 as long as he's called Petey.
Anyway he kills Shelley with the Canadian
Destroyer. Winner:
Petey Williams... Steiner didn't really do anything but get
his ass kicked and make a save that Petey probably didn't need
if he kicked out of the bananas double team a few seconds
later, so yeah, all Petey. Steiner is
in the ring and has one more initiation for crazy SOB Petey.
He pulls out from the bag Rhaka brought... scissors? Off with
the hair... Much reluctance from Petey, but he lets Steiner do
the deed. Off with the ponytail. Now he pulls out some
clippers, which Petey again reluctantly submits to, while Don
West has a spazz out. Steiner then has him kneel before him
and gives him his own chainmail headdress. I knight thee
Little Petey Pump. They celebrate. Come see
TNA live. Is Don West wardrobe really that scary? Find out for
yourself. Tenay and
West talk about stuff. Video of
Joe and Angle's previous encounters and jibba jabba and
predictions from Cage, Trigg, Nash, and some skinny guy for
Joe/Angle V. Angle is
in the ring. He puts over the upcoming match and calls out Joe
to sign the contract. Make it real. Make it damn
real! And here
is Joe. In a suit that is somehow too BIG for him. Angle says
sorry for interrupting you training for the biggest match of
you're life... against me, that if I win you'll never be
allowed to wrestle again, and thus never be a threat to my
title my epically retardedly booked reign ever again, but I
don't trust you, so I whipped up this handy-dandy
official-looking contract so that if I win, you are
contractually bound to never wrestle again in any
organization, which I'm not even sure is actually enforceable,
but yeah. Joe says
when he makes a promise, he keeps it. If he loses, he'll never
wrestle again, but it's the other promise Angle has to worry
about. The promise to da peeple that Joe will be standing over
a fallen Angle holding up the TNA World Heavyweight
Championship. Joe signs the contract, without reading it,
because even with a contract putting your career on the line,
reading is for chumps. Or the show is only two hours and
there's not enough time mess with a theoretically minor
detail. They shake hands... and stare DOWN. Thriller
dance lizards... Gail and
ODB are on the same page, and will settle their own
differences later. ODB says she's goon rip off Saeed's burka
and win an ugly contest against her., because she's not just a
pretty face. Or a pretty face. In fact, I'm going to go out on
a limb and say yes, she would win an ugly contest against her.
I suppose I just could've sat here and said it though. I'll be
all week. Not really. Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. Roxxi
Laveaux The evil
pornstars get the drop on Roxxi and Angelina hits her
signature moves without much resistance. She misses a corner
charge and Roxxi lays her out with a clothesline. Forearms and
descus one from Roxxi. Voodoo Drop! Ouch. That is
all. Deeper
voiced Super Eric knows not of who Bulgy Eye Man (Borash)
speaks when he calls him Eric Young. He is here to rid TNA of
all it's villains (does that include Russo?). Remember
Microphone Man (Borash again), fear is temporary, heroes are
forever. OMGOMGOMGSPEEDRACER!!!111111 Rough
Cut! Wow, way
to make BG look like a pathetic sack of sad TNA. Black Reign vs. From Metropolis... Super
Eric! Reign gets
Eric outside and beats him up, and it continues back inside.
Lameass Facebuster gets only two, but the onslaught continues.
The cape comes out of the corner strong and lays out Reign
with a clothesline. Up top, Super dropkick scores. Death
Valley Driver and it's all over for the evildoer. Winner:
Super Eric Killer
Spelled Backwards comes from behind and beats up the hero. The
monsters handcuff Eric to the ropes and beat him up until
Super E's sidekick, The Kaz Wonder comes out to make the save
only to end up getting overcome and having to be miraculously
saved himself or not getting saved at all, either way, looking
like a total goof. It does take the other half of the worst
potential stable ever, the rock half of The Monsters of Rock
overcome him though. Kaz is getting it 4-on-1 (hehe), while
Super Eric struggles to free himself... and eventually does
break the cuffs, ala Goldberg. Holy shit. O.O He then
proceeds to take out all four guys, including doing his
deceptive power thing with a huge back body to Hoyt. And Kaz
of course looks like a goof as the villains and brain dead
rockers retreat. Cue generic super hero music! Apparently
some terrible gimmick match involving six otherwise unoccupied
tag teams and sorta tag teams (like Kaz & EY) was added
earlier in the show that I completely missed. Something about
handcuffing to the cage and only one guy winning, so we can
have more tag teams that don't get along with each
other. Awesome
Booker T/Robert Roode video. Why can't the rest of the show be
as good as the video packages? Le sigh... CROSS THE
LINE~!! Queen of
the Cage video, that actually makes it look like it could be
awesome, by highlighting the participants, and not the fact
that it is a fucking reverse battle royal cage
match!!!!!!!!! West (too
much powder blue!) and Tenay bring a preview of the double
main event, in video form... with testimonials! The
Stinger says Brother Ray has his attention. Where else would
he go, this is what he knows. These are his people, his breed,
if you weeeeeeeel... and when he and Nash get done with Team
3D, they will never question him again. Nash says
while Sting's intentions are honorable, his are to get paid.
He says he's rather be overpaid than underpaid... aka the
understatement of the century, and to get the money, you gotta
be in the main event. And when they run through 3D, he'll
climb the ladder again. Where it leads... he'll be where the
money's at. This is one of the guys your supposed to be
cheering for, by the way. Team 3D vs. Kevin Nash and
Sting Nash
starts strong on Devon. Hard shots in the corner, and then in
another corner. Sting is in and Devon lays the shots in until
he completely runs through Devon with a nifty shoulderblock.
Ray is in and talks shit and shoves Sting. Stinger spits in
his face and beats him down. He even bites him in the corner.
Ray scores a 300+ pound Avalanche in the corner... my
suspension of disbelief died with that weight loss shit.
Anyway, Sting says No Sale! More beatdown and a big back body.
He misses a Stinger Splash though, and will be Ricky Stinger,
because Nash isn't capable of selling a worthwhile beating
anymore probably. Ray beats
up Sting, as he did on the outside during the commercial
break. Double team clothesline misses, but Sting's doesn't.
Big Immobile is in with house cleaning foreams. Irish Whip
into the side slam gets a “whoooooooooooooa” from the crowd. I
giggle. Ray and Devon get thrown in the corner and eat
NashLine and a Stinger Splash. Scorpion Deathlock applied to
Devon. Chokeslm for Brother Ray. Styles and
Tomko save the day for the villains for the DQ? Heck if I
know. And it was slightly late, but not quite as bad as Team
3D saving Devine from Homicide. Cage and Rhino even the odds.
Storm is out to swing it back to the heels, cause he's a TOTAL
difference maker. Here comes Matt Morgan to take on the entire
Team Tomko. Even Jackie when she jumps on his back. He presses
her out onto a couple of the bad guys and we've got batshit
crazy cool old school wild brawl all over the iMPACT! Zone,
and in at least two cases, into the crowd, to end the
show. Nothing To
Lose from Operator gives us one last great four minute long
hard sell to loud music for Lockdown and we gone! Much
better show than last week, and a decent sell for the Lockdown
Pay-Per-View. If I wasn't completely broke from buying a
ridiculously expensive Kosuke Fukudome card, I'd be all over
it. (Dino) Sendoff: Bye!
;DCannonfodder... Tomko for dead.chump... champ, Black Machismo, Sonjay Dutt, Brother
Devine, and CurryShark in the X-Scape
match.
BG says he could see he and Kip
talking again after this.
Kip not so
much.
BG is all wrecked up emotionally
about fighting Kip.
Kip can't wait.
BG doesn't know exactly how to take on
Kip.
Kip intends to go on and be World
Heavyweight Champion.
At least he's
honest.
“Morgan's
Mess...” is tonight's super happy fun episode title. JB is
strangely dressed and runs down the card in front of the door
to Cornette's office. Cornette comes out to bitch and moan
about being a sick man and Matt Morgan giving Team Tomko a
5th man. Morgan states his case
and goes to take care of things. Badass jacket + meek game
show host JB = WTF TNA Moment, so I don't have to write it out
at the end. Team Tomko
is out to talk shit. And by Team Tomko I mean Brother Ray of
Team 3D. He thanks Matt Morgan for giving them a fifth member
and talks up and introduces him, “Cowboy” James Storm. Before
he can say much, Team Cage arrives. Cage talks and is a
badass, and calls out Matt Morgan. He is out and makes the
nicey-nice with Team Tomko. Cage asks what Big Bubba Matt is
gonna do for his team after giving Tomko's a fifth man. Matt
Bubba says he can go find whoever the hell he wants. Cage says
he's got an ace up his sleeve. Kurt Angle
talks to JB. Eric says Super Eric is here. Kurt tells the
childish moron to bugger off or something. OMG Iron
Man! Steiner
comes driving in with Petey hanging onto the hood for dear
life. Steiner says he's gonna cash in the Money in the Feast
or Fired match case. The Rock
& Rave Infection have their normal train wreck of a
pre-match interview, but with the bonus of a confused and
uncomfortable Black Reign & Rellik spelled forwards trying
to talk over the Guitar Hero boobs (not Hemme's... though she
was distracting the Job Monsters too). Rave did say drop the
glorious “We love you Transylvania!” line though, so I'm down
with it this week. 8 Man Tag- The Monsters of Rock (Rock
& Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme and the Job Monsters)
vs. Semi-Clever Combination of The Motor City Machine Guns'
and LAX' Names That I'm Too Tired to Come Up With (The Motor
City Machine Guns and LAX w/ Salinas) Hoyt gets
a pop from the iMPACT! Zone asking who wants to be infected.
Uhh... eww. Eric Young is in the crowd. Back &
forth jockeying for position from Sabin & Rave that ends
with an insane high impact spinny kick thing from Sabin.
Machine Guns go double team apeshit on Rave and knock big
Lance off the apron as well while stretching the 5 count more
than Lita's lady parts. It had to be said. Sorry Lita! Anyway,
the double teaming culminates with the Guns putting
submissions on poor Rave and rolling him in position to tag in
Homicide who goes up to senton Jimmy's sorry ass. EY leaves
ringside. The bad scary monsters hit the slingshot wheelbarrow
slam thing and wheel be right back. Back to it
with Ricky Homicide being beaten up some more. Rave goes high
risk and leaps into a Manhattan Drop. Gringo Cutter! Hernandez
makes the blind and takes out R&RI with that wicked
hahdcore Double Slingshot Clothesline (not shoulderblock this
week). Hernandez cleans house and chokeplexes... probably
Rave. Hoyt gets removed and the Job Monsters get stereo
planchas from Michigan's finest. Tope con Hilo. To Lance Hoyt.
Regards, Homicide. Border Toss ends Jimmy Rave and turns Tenay
and West into Bill & Ted shouting “BORDER TOSS!!!” at the
top of their lungs simultaneously. Winners:
Semi-Clever Combination ofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... The
monsters come back for a post-match beatdown of the Heroic
Hispanics and Kaz goes for the save just in time to prevent
Reign from spiking a hole in Hernandez' forehead. He doesn't
get too far though, and Super Eric is here to make the save
for that hack Kaz. Yeah. JB is with
Sting, and Sting is ready to rock James Storm's world, for all
intents and purposes. Rough Cut,
already in progress. Kip is an asshole, BG isn't. Blah blah.
Good and unique build though. More
tonight's card pimping. Character
development Kong and Saeed interview segment. Allegedly. I
didn't catch much because I like to watch Raisha Saeed on low
with a little Marvin Gaye playing in the background, to set
the mood. Mmmm... fake Syrian poon. What? One more
week till we face the consequences. Excellent! Storm
talks shit much too loudly for my illing self to tolerate.
Something about falling off the X in the sky not being able to
keep him down and talking shit to Sting &
Rhino. Non-Title Tag Team Match- TNA World Tag
Team Champions- “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles and
Tomko, just Tomko vs. “The Alleged War Machine” Rhino and
Christian Cage Tomko
overpowers but gets outquicked, and Styles gets run to the
floor. Double teams by Team Cage. War Machine gets beat up and
doesn't live up to his nickname. Picture perfect dropkick.
Shades of Jim Brunzell! What? Rhino catches the Styles charge
and powerslams him. Shades of Road Warrior Animal! Yeah,
that's more like it. Cage is in and beats up Styles a bit.
Tomko puts an end to it though. Pele!!11111111 Seeya at the
other end of this bunch of mostly likely mind-numbingly stupid
commercials. Running
Powerslam from Tomko to Cage brings us back. Orton Lock (I
believe this is the part where drink the alcohol placed before
you). Cage escapes but eats back elbow. Styles goes back to
the chinlockery (drink dammit!). AJ snaps off a head scissors
from his back and almost gets a pin out of it. I approve so
fucking hard. Slightly Delayed Vertical Suplex by Tomko. Cage
hits. Styles gets Gore'd out of his boots. Cage repeatedly
goes for the tag, but can't out muscle Tomko OR lil' AJ, but
when he finally does make it, the ref misses it. The second
time the ref gets up in Rhino's face about it and gets
physical about it. Uh-oh. When the ref turns back towards
Rhino he gets Gore'd out of his consciousness. Tomko and
Styles eat the good guys' finishers. Rhino's Gore turns AJ
inside oot! Tomko is now even less pretty. Team 3D is out to
cause violence, but Nash comes out with a chair to run them
off, of course not actually doing any damage, because his
physically broken shell of a Diesel, can't climb into the ring
fast enough to catch anyone. It's actually makes my legs hurt
watching him climbing to the apron and into the ropes. Just
sad. Cornette
tells our previously unseen character, “The Ring Announcer”,
that the match is over. He does exist!... *faints* I think
this'll be the TNA WTF Moment, since it's much less offensive
to my mental state than JB's jacket, but I'm still not writing
it out at the bottom. The match is ruled a DQ in favor of the
heels, btw. Winners:
Tomko and AJ Styles Back from
the break. Bubba Morgan is here and says he'll ref Sting/James
Storm. Perpetually henpecked Cornette whines and goes to find
him stripes that'll fit, but Big Bubba reveals he already has
one after the sad sack leaves. Val and
Machismo are in a hot tub at some hotel. Machismo is either
cheap, broke, or both. Destructive Love Sonjay Dutt comes up
from the bubbly depths and interrupts as Jay and Val are about
to kiss. Cockblockin' SOB. X-Scape Qualifying Match- Elix Skipper w/
actual crowd response(?!?!) vs. Stone Cold Shark
Boy Skipper
attacks attacks at the bell, but still gets his mudhole
stomped and bulldogged. Sharky misses a second rope fist drop
and eats a big roundhouse. Elix fucks up Sharky on the floor.
Skipper tries to run down the top rope to 'rana Shark MAN. He
gets pushed off and eats a second rope missile dropkick. Thesz
Press and punches. Fin drop. Sharky counters a decap
roundhouse, with the side of his head. Damn... consider that
concussion no-sold! Neckbreaker by Sharklesworth. Skipper
isn't done yet and won't be suplexed today! Huge Guillotine
Legdrop to Sharky strung out over the top rope. Elix goes high
rent, but it bites him in the ass like Shark Boy used to when
he was a jobber. Sharky dropkicks Skippy's legs out from under
him and he's easy pickins. Frankensteiner and a Stunner send
the Sharky on to the X-Scape match. Winner:
Shark Boy Traci cuts
a good promo and looks hotter than ever. Payback is a bitch,
and so are you. Team VD (Love and Sky) come in and talk
shit. Shark Boy
says stuff. Curry Man shows up and he and Crystal dance. He
speaks in Japanese legends names and dances some more with
Crystal when Shark Boy walks off in disgust. Grudge Match- Payton Banks vs. Traci
Brooks Traci
chases and gets caught coming back in. Brooks fights back but
takes a Back Cracker gets two before too long. Crossface
punches by Banks and she presses the attack. Two Succession
Jawbreakers and a Running kickintheface. Facebuster thing from
the second rope. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Winner:
Traci Brooks Team VD
attacks. Salinas is in to attack the heels. Now Jackie is in
to attack her. Here comes Roxxi to kill some bitches. Here's
Hemme to do nothing much of note really. Sharmell is here with
a strap and she cleans house and runs the heels off. Nobody
straps whip with the Sharmell. Or something. Yeah. Booker is
here to collect his wife and be upset. SPEAKING of collecting,
new TNA cards will be out soon, and if you outbid me on any, I
will break your freakin' neck, humanoids. Capiche?
:d Back and
Booker complains but Sharmell shuts him up. Samoa Joe
training video and jibba-jabba. Here comes badass mode Kurt.
He's here to see that Joe keeps his promise to quit wrestling
if he loses, demanding Joe puts his promise in writing next
week. Steiner is here to cash in his title shot... at
Sacrifice. He says the way Joe's been training, Kurt ain't
gunna win. Big Bubba
Morgan comes up with a terrible idea for Lockdown after seeing
the Knockout's brawl. Reverse Women's Battle Royal Cage Match
= NO BUYS!!!!!!!!!!! You see the shit that I have to put up
with around here. Cornette gets angry and sends him away to
referee his match... then steals the idea. That stupid sneaky
bastard. Special Guest Referee Big Bubba Matt
Morgan- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Sting w/ baseball
bat Sting
catches the worst Pearl Harbor attempt ever and beats the hell
outta Storm on the outside. Into the crowd! Take home a
charismatic hard drinking midcard heel. After busting up a
wall with Storm's body a couple times, Sting takes him back
and throws him back in the ring. Jackie keeps him from getting
back in though, and Storm takes advantage. Rope assisted DDT.
Ooh, that was swank. Brb, people who don't care to watch TNA,
but want to know the results anyway. Sting
no-sells his head being slammed into the turnbuckle. Who knew
Steve Borden was part Samoan? Or part Koko B. Ware. Up top and
a Sky High Superplex gets two for the Stinger. Storm hits an
enzuigiri soon after, but Sting holds the ropes to prevent the
Back Stabber. Sting's Self Titled Splash misses and he gets
dropped. Storm douses himself in booze and goes for his
Finishing Superkick that I forgot the name of and am too tired
to look up, but misses. Scorpion Deathlock applied and Jackie
tries to save, but her top rope dive is caught by Morgan. He
puts her out on the apron but she hangs onto him so he can't
see the low blow by her charge. Storm tries to end Sting with
the bat but Morgan catches it in the nick of time and yoinks
it. Storm argues with Morgan, who tosses the bat away,
right... to... Sting? Storm doesn't notice, and Morgan turns
away as Sting does his business with the bat to Stormy.
Scorpion Death Drop, and it is ovah! Winner:
Sting The bad
guys are out to get into Matt Morgan's face. They surround the
big man and Team Cage is finally out, after two or three shots
of Sting looking on from the ramp all concerned-like, to put
one down on the bad guys, while Morgan looks on. Most of the
ring clears, and out of nowhere, the big man bicycle kicks
Devon's head off. Probably closer to literally than usual.
Styles eats that old finisher of Morgan's that I don't know if
it ever even got a name and I'm too tired to look for, but
basically is a vertical suplex into something resembling a
Book End, or for those damn pathetic fools that prefer The
Rock over Booker T, Rock Bottom (Future Me: Wikipedia calls
this the Mount Morgan Drop). The horribly overmatched heels
retreat and can only look on as Christian rips off Morgan's
ref shirt to reveal a Team Cage one. OMG bass-ackwards booking
FTMFWB! I was
totally not up for this today and the show did me no favors,
other than Curry Man joy, to get me up for it. Hopefully
things get better next week, for me and for them. (Dino) Sendoff: I got a
blog finally (link coming next week, provided there is
wrestling related content there by then), and if I can figure
out to scan from my magic sketchbook without dismantling it,
those damn TNA chibis might start appearing here someday too.
Things are looking something. Here's hoping for a great
re-debut for Consequences Creed next week. Until we meet again
clusterfuckers ;), I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, now go drink you
juice.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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