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April 03, 2008
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April 24, 2008

by Charley Martin

Obligatory late start (about two minutes this week) out of the way, so lets make an impact! And lets make it better than last week's shitfest, mmmkay?

What are You Willing to Sacrifice?

Booker T has some things to get off his chest and calls out Sting. They had BG with them last week to temper things, but the ring might just explode from all the awesome this time.

This... is... Sting! Booker talks about history and apologizes.

Robert Roode and James Storm w/ Jackie are here to cause trouble. Storm makes like magnificent bastard that he is and calls them old, talking about how cool they were in the '80s, and should get married cause of all the buddy-buddy shit. Sting's makeup is perfect and Booker's weave has never looked better. Booker is my all-time favourite, and Sting's up there pretty high, but... Bwahahahahahahaha!!! That's comedy gold right there. Oh yeah, Roode said something too I think.
Jim Cornette is here to try (and probably fail) to restore some order. He announces the Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament for the Tag Team Championship at Sacrifice. Basically 8 regular teams will face off in qualifying matches over the next couple weeks. Then the four winning teams will go onto Sacrifice to take on four teams of randomly selected singles wrestlers in a tournament. Basically. And tonight, with everybody looking for a fight, it'll be Roode & Storm vs. Booker & Sting.

At some random door somewhere in the maze that they call "the back", Borash is with AJ, who calls the tournament crap. Karen arrives and they go off to do... I dunno. There really is no purpose for either of them to be here if AJ isn't wrestling tonight, quite honestly. AJ tells Kurt's little toady not to rat them out. I think not.

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying Match- Job Monsters vs. Team 3D

Rellik is on the attack, but Ray gets a side slam and a double suplex. Rellik fights back on Devon and makes the tag. Flying shoulderblock for two. Reign breaks up a pin and things break down. Ray takes out Rellik and Reign ducks a clothesline that Devon stops just in time to avoid hitting Ray. They argue and Reign shoves Devon into Ray. Time to kill this match's momentum dead. BRB yo.

Back and Brother Devon gets worked over until Rellik gets caught up top and Superplexed. Ray makes the hot tag and runs wild, sammiching both monsters with an avalanche in the corner. The crowd is very forgiving apparently and is now actively and loudly cheering on Team 3D. Big huge Uranage outta the corner by Ray. Wow. I approve. Devon goes up top, but gets dropped by Rellik, who then lays out Ray. Devon saves. Ray gets rid of Reign. 3D! Rellik is enod. Someone in the crowd has a big Shadow the Hedgehog doll for some reason.

Winners: Team 3D... thankfully.

Team 3D makes peace after the match.

The Knockouts have invitations.

Kurt Angle never loses to the same man twice, and it'll be him facing Rick Steiner at Sacrifice. You mean Scott? Whatever. Now leave me, my weird little minion. Borash starts to go and then tells him Karen is here, and they go to find here.

Awesome video package of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. Joe is 6'2”? I... did not know that. I thought he was like 5'10”, but maybe that's just him seeming so short around Big Immobile. Hmm...

Earlier, Tenay talked to Joe while he was training... with Nash? Not exactly MMA training. Nash says now the real battle begins. Joe says something too. Tenay looks inquisitive, or has gas. You decide!

No, I don't wanna recap this tag title bullshit from last week! Boo!!

Eric Young says he isn't Super Eric. It's all a rumor. Kaz was upset, but forgave Eric. They've got another chance next week, and he tells Eric to tell Super Eric to stay away. EY reluctantly agrees.

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying Match- The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Caged Rhino (Rhino and Christian Cage)

Shelley and Cage start. Shelley works the arm. Asai Sliced Bread... no. Unprettier... no. Respec! Jawbreaker on Rhino and Sabin is in and gets beat up. Clothesline. Belly to belly. Gore! Gore! Gore! Misses! Misses! Misses! Rhinoman rolls oot. Sabin gets knocked off by Cage when he goes up, but Shelley kicks him out and Tope con Hilos on to both of them. The Guns are in control.

Rhino gets some double team waif fu before Shelley gets caught in a Spinebuster. Shelley gets his ass kicked by Cage & Rhino for a bit. Sliced Bread connects on Cage. Sabin with the hot tag and a springboard dropkick. Can't... keep... up... Springboard clothesline. Sabin gets his finish countered. TKO on Shelley. HUUUUUUUUGE Implant DDT to Sabin. Sabin kicks out! Sabin counters a double back body into a double DDT. Up top Cage gets rid of Sabin's Superplex attempt, but misses the Frog Splash. Kick Combo Finish on Cage, Rhino Gore's Shelley, and Cage ducks Sabin. Unprettier FTW! Whoo, awesome match.

Winners: Christian Cage and Rhino

Jim Cornette brings out the Knockouts. They've all got a match at Sacrifice. Start with a (Thankfully Normal) Battle Royal. Then the last two have a #1 Contender Ladder Match. Then for the loser of part two, it becomes a Hair vs. Hair Match... all in the same fucking match...

The new chick says Cornette's officially lost it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!111111 I want Crystal back in the WORST way but this one is officially okay in my book now.

Booker says it's all about winning, like when they teamed up to beat the Road Warriors in 1996. This begs the question... have they ever teamed besides then? Sting is off his talky talk game tonight.

Robert Roode and James Storm vs. Booker T and Sting

Storm and Roode are color coordinated. Red is not Storm's color. Storm doesn't really get anywhere, in fact pretty much dominated, after the cheapshot from Roode on Booker. Sting takes on Roode and beats him up after taking a few hits to wake up. Punches from on high in the corner and then a dropkick finds it's mark. Booker is in to work over Bobby until Roode hits an enzuigiri from behind on the apron when ref wasn't looking. Booker is in trouble as we hit the break.

Bacon Club Chalupa is intoxicating. I could eat like 16 in one sitting... well, once upon a time I could. 11 is probably the limit now. Still entirely too much.

Storm keeps on the attack. Storm snapmare. Roode neck snap. Storm legdrop. Roode kneedrop. Bambambambam. Nice. Storm bites Booker, though Mr. Gay Marriage put his cowboy hat on and obscured the view. Coulda been a kiss. Roode is killing Booker some more now still, but he runs right into a Spinebuster. Sting does the hot tag thing complete with Self-Titled Splashes and gets two on Storm. Roode saves and it all breaks down. Booker fires up with kicks on Roode but Jackie trips him up before he can Kick Ax. Roode DDTs Booker, but miscommunication on the heels part allows Sting to hit the Scorpion Death Drop on Storm ftw. Jeez guys, throw these bums a bone. Storm is getting berried lately.

Winners: Sting and Booker T

The bad guys get into a shoving match and Jackie has to get in between them, though it doesn't do a lot of good.

Kurt tracks down Karen tells her and AJ to get to steppin'. As long as there is a Kurt and Joe, there can't be a Kurt and Karen... damn. That's basically saying as long as there is a Kurt and athletically gifted portly Samoan, there can't be a Kurt and disproportionately hot wife that likes anal. When you boil it down to the basics like that, Kurt Angle's priorities must seriously be questioned.

Cornette talks about Sacrifice and how today's pampered wrestlers have it so much easier than back in the day. He knows how everyone hates him and talks shit behind his back. And someone stole his strawberries out of the fridge last week. He's got plans that will sacrifice bodies and maybe even careers. He is going to prove he is the puppet master. He's got the new chick unnerved though he claims he's just a good Christian businessman. He laughs maniacally as he leaves. He's very close to snapping. He may have already.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match- Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe

Waistlocks and headlocks to start. Hard shoulderblock from Joe. Headlock and another hard shoulderblock from Joe. Back to the headlock and a wicked clothesline drops Angle. Side headlock takeover. Angle backs him into the corner and plays into Joe's power and gets taken over again. He backs Joe into the corner again and rakes the eyes and hits the Eauropean Uppercut. Suicide dive and Angle is reeling. Time for commercials.

Manhattan Drop/Running single leg dropkick thing/Senton. Facewash and one on the run. All Joe. Snap Suplex for two more. Cross Armbreaker. Angle gets to the ropes. Angle fights back and hits a Release German. Chinlock variation. Overhead belly to belly from Angle. Chinlock and Joe is starting to fade. Joe catches the corner charge and slams Angle down. He punches Angle, but gets admonished by Hebner for the close fist. Angle sends him over the top and to the floor. Joe hurt his knee... somehow. Apparently his back is connected to his knee, because he hit it pretty hard on the apron. Angle starts to work the leg over and we'll be right back.

Back and Angle locks in the Figure Four, which means there is plenty of time to tell you that during the commercial a trainer was checking Joe and Nash came out keep him fighting. Joe just makes the ropes. Angle continues to wrench the leg. Joe fights back but can't move very fast. Doesn't matter when he gets a Spinebuster gets a very near two. Snap Powerslam gets another near fall. Kurt catches Joe with an Angle Slam but gets only two. Angle busts out the Moonsault, but misses. Choke attempted but countered into the Ankle Lock. Joe can't kick Angle away, but kicks his leg out from under him right into the Choke. Angle fades fast but isn't far from the ropes and reaches out and touches something. The ropes. To break the hold. Joe misses Angle with a blind kick, but nails Hebner. Uh-oh, ref down. Another Angle Slam and the Ankle Lock is back on. Joe kicks Angle away and face first into a lead pipe wielded by Scott Steiner. The winded Joe hits a Piledriver of some sort. Hebner is recovered enough to count the pin. One... Two... Three!

Winner: ... and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa Joe!

Steiner gets up in the not so much with the conscious Angle's face screaming incoherently about being disrespected. When he stares down da champ, Joe paintbrushes him. Cornette says he saw what happened, and nothing is settled here, but it will all be settled at Sacrifice, when it will be Joe vs. Steiner vs. Angle in a three-way. Lol, yeah. Steiner is displeased. End show.

Woo, what a good episode of iMPACT!~!! Only four matches, but they all got tons of time. Two were good, two were outstanding. I could watch Cage & Rhino vs. The MCMGs all day... as long as I don't have to recap it. :P
But seriously though, all the most likely crappy booking is being saved for the PPV (sorry Neil), and the wrestling really took center stage tonight. Super Eric free, if not completely EY free, though lacking in the Curry Man department.

(Dino) Sendoff: So much crap on my mind. I hope this was up to snuff for y'all out there tonight. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley. So long from the Sunshine State. <---- meaningful reference

Peace sexy people. ;)


by Charley Martin

Okay, I totally missed the first 22 minutes of the show, but that's just the beginning (Future Me: Though naturally, the week I miss it, it's extremely important, so we'll hit up YouTube for that stuff. Any other week, fuhgetaboutit.), so without any further delay, let's make an iMPACT!

We pick it up with the new TNA Heavyweight Champion of the World, Samoa Joe, on his way to the ring. Ooh, it's like The Sports Machine. Huh? Joe says we are the champs to fans. He says he put everything on the line for one shot. He puts over Angle as the baddest man he's ever been in the ring with. He relentlessly thanks the fans. Doth protest too much?... Not enough? Orlando gets put over by Joe bigtime too. Somebody's in a good mood. Oh, right. It's real, it's damn real.

Here comes Scotty Steiner and the rest of Team HGH? Has that stupid name I came up with caught on yet? Sweet Daddy Charley wonders... Big Poppa Pump talks about Sacrifice, and the sacrifices Petey made to earn his respect, and gives him the X-Division Title shot, to use how Little Petey Pump sees fit. He then turns his attention to Jojo and talks about the sacrifices he's made to get to where he is. Gee, I wonder what the next pay-per-view is called? I think it's “Giving Up Things in the Hopes of Achieving Something Greater”. Yeah.

Anyway, he calls Joe a fatass, because he is a braindead jock. Steiner runs him down, but Joe looks mildly amused. Perhaps it's the high of winning the title, or perhaps Scott has surprisingly fresh breathe, or maybe it's because this is the first time he's been up close for an occasionally racist Scott Steiner tirade. Either way, lets knock off the meandering jibba-jabba, so we can finish this debacle and get to sleep. He surprisingly calls Joe the semi-clever (by Skip Bayless standards), Genetic Junk. He's held world titles everywhere but here in TNA, and that all changes at Sacrifice, where Joe will be his sacrificial lamb. Before he can say anything racist, Kurt Angle's music hits.

Angle says, man-to-man, that Joe beat him at LockDown. He always learns from his matches, and never makes the same mistakes twice. He says Steiner has earned his title match even though the last big win he had was against the Road Warriors with his idiot brother in 1975. Road Warriors reference FTMFW! Oooooooooh, what a rush! Even though I'm pretty sure none of the above were in pro wrestling until many years after 1975. Even Rick. Anyway, Angle has a rematch and he's gonna use it next week here on iMPACT!.

Whatever happened here isn't up there, though it leads to two of our featured contests this evening, a 5-2 backstage beatdown of Cage & Rhino and attempted mind games from Team 3D, trying to drive a wedgie between the too suddenly buddies again Cage and Rhino. Good thing I was *somewhat* prepared this week.

TNA X-Division Championship Match- Johnny Devine vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

Hermie Sadler's decent commentary and annoying voice join us for this match.

Devine goes on the attack before the bell, and proceeds to beat the ever loving hell out of Machismo. Ever loving hell sounds more like Sonjay though. Slingshot Legdrop to Machismo on the apron. Impressive. More beating. Devine hangs Lethal up on the top rope and crashes down from the medium rent district. Devine with a HUUUUUUUUGE Moonsault gets, but only two. Devine goes for the Intervention, but Lethal counters with an Alabama Slam. Clotheslines, Flying forearms, Enzuigiris, Springboard Missile Dropkicks, Lethal Combinations, Lethal Elbows that actually look decent for once, and pinfalls.

Winner: Jay Lethal

Petey Williams beans Lethal in the face with the X-Division case while he celebrates. Commercial!

Back in time to see Petey stomp the case with Lethal's head in it. He tornado DDT'd him on the case during the break, not that you could damage Jay's already kayfabe batshit insane cranium. He puts the bad mouth on Machismo, mushy mouthed and angrily ranty kinda like Steiner, and tells sad sack referee to ring the bell which he reluctantly does.

TNA X-Division Championship Match- Petey Williams vs. Even More Dazed and Confused than Normal “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

Canadian Destroyer. That is all.

Winner: And NEW X-Division Champion, Petey Williams

Way to punk out Jay Lethal AGAIN, TNA!

LAX speaks! Too fast for me understand and occasionally in another language, which I didn't understand either. I think it had something to do with them getting a title shot tonight.

And just who is this new blond? I want my Crystal back! She's the best backstage interviewer in the history of professional wrestling. And SOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier on the eyes than Mean Gene to boot.
The new chick isn't horrible I guess, but where the fuck my girl go?

Matt Morgan is here. Cornette is like a father figure to him. He told him timing is everything. His time is now. More talk of sacrifices and whatnot. Yep.

Samoa Joe is a badass. Nash pops up out of nowhere and looms in the background while Joe talks. Not strangely, not menacingingly, just straight up, out and out, CREEPILY. Line crossed? Oh my yes.

TNA World Tag Team Title Three Way Match- LAX w/ Salinas vs. Eric Young & Kaz vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko and AJ Styles

AJ beats up Eric, but Ey fights back. TNA Mobile is pimped while Kaz tags in and hits a slingshot DDT on AJ. Kaz enzuigiris Hernandez for no apparent reason before continuing his attack on AJ. Of course it bites him in the ass when he goes back to that side of the ring and gets a slingshot shoulderblock. Eric runs away because Tomko leveled him. Time to put on shirt and mask and cape. He gets a jawbreaker on AJ just before the break though.

Kaz keeps fighting and drops both of the champs, but has no one to tag out to. Gringo Cutter on Kaz. Tornado Suplex on Kaz. LAX make the save. Homicide and Tomko go tumbling to the floor. BIG MAN DIVE on Tomko. Styles eats on heeuva Flux Capacitor! Here comes super Eric. Kaz tags him in. AJ loses tries to take him on, but eats a Bridging Suplex that wins the tag team titles for Super Eric and the Kaz Wonder.

Winners: Super Eric and the Kaz Wonder

Kaz is goof spelled backwards takes it in the ass again, wrestling the whole match by himself, then tagging out to Super Eric, who gets the pin without breaking a sweat. (Future Me: It gets worse...)

AJ and Tomko complain to Cornette about outside interference from the Super Eric, because they themselves claim aren't the same person, which means that while this all about to get incredibly stupid, that is a *somehow!* completely logical and very smart complaint from the former champs. Cornette disagrees with that statement, but agrees to talk to Eric to shut them up.

LockDown Revenge Match- Team 3D vs. Rhino and Christian Cage

Christian starts strong on Devon and hits an inverted DDT. Brother Ray uses his size to his advantage, which you'd think he'd actually do once in awhile, but no, almost never. He gets outmaneuvered and back elbowed from the second rope though. Rhino is in and goes on the attack until he misses in the corner, though he did stop himself from going shoulder first into the post, just face meeting turnbuckle and not even that hard really. He has good breaks. Rhino drops both once upon a time Dudleys via double clothesline. Cage goes high rent and crossbodies both Ray and Devon. BRB.

TNA- Cross the Line! Of coherence!

Back and Cage gets beat up thanks to getting yoinked out and blasted by Ray while I had to watch retarded commercials. Nondescript offense in 3 glorious, round (in Ray's case) dimensions. Awesome Delayed Vertical Suplex from Devon. Tree of Woe and stepping on nuts. Ray is up top, but thanks to a Rhino distraction, gets punched in the manhood. Cage scores a Frankensteiner on Ray! Rhino runs wild for a moment before getting sent out. Cage goes for Unprettier, be Ray rscapes and works over the reproductive region again with a low blow. Rhino goes for Gore! Gore! Gore!, but hits Cage by mistake. He ducks a clothesline from Devon though and Ray eats it. Rhino rolls up Devon for the W. Dammit, why the fuck can Ray never take a pin? What the fucking hell?

Winners: Rhino & Christian Cage

In a bit of a swerve, or at least semi-dramitic turn of events, it is Team 3D left arguing in the ring. The shoving match has to be broken up by security. Didn't one set of of kinda-sorta-but-not-really-brothers already break up within the past several weeks?

Cornette talks to Super Eric, whose playing with little plastic army men. Yeah, it goes about as well as expected... he tells him to meet come to the ring to settle get things figured out.

Then he goes and bitches out the entire women's locker room, for no apparent reason except they were being noisy and arguing and he's in a bad mood. What an asshole moment, not that he isn't entitled to angry outbursts with the shit he has to put up with though. But still, way to kick the dog, Jim.

Cornette is in the ring with Tomko & Styles. He apologizes for the stupidity. I do not accept! And apologize to the Knockouts that rate higher than anything else on this clusterfuck of a show! Here comes Kaz with the belts. Super Eric takes his sweet time but shows up just before Cornette can count three and strip him and Kaz of the titles. “Fast Talking Man” (Cornette) tries to get Eric to say who he is, but no... not even “Tanned Handsome Ladies Man” (Kaz) can get him to say who he is... for he is Super Eric, son of Moltar, father of Zion! Whawhawha?! The fuck you say? Cornette strips the Super Eric and The Kaz Wonder of their newly won titles. BUT... he does not hand them back to Styles and Tomko. They are vacant and Cornette will make some kind of ruling next week. Tag Titles vacant!

Kip James, James Storm, and Robert Roode cut an awesome promo, due mostly to that magnificent bastard Storm calling out the full of himself Kip for being jealous that his cowboy gimmick from back in the day didn't get over, then stopping in the middle of what he was saying to tell him to quit eying him. He calls Sting a clown and whatnot, and Roode talks shit at Booker and rallies the troops.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match- Roxxi Laveaux vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed... after the break!

Kong beats Roxxi down bad. Laveaux fights back for a second, but gets nowhere. Huge legdrop gets two. Second rope splash from the Konger misses. Roxxi hulks up and gets the HUUUUGE running boot for a very near fall. Roxxi dodges Spinning Back Fist and hits a Swinging Neckbreaker! Senton gets two more. Roxxi tries to get the Voodoo Crusher, which I think might actually be possible due to her height and not having to actually lift the giant, making her the only woman remotley capable of beating Kong that's also remotely capable of hitting her finisher. It doesn't work though, and the Spinning Backfist and Awesome Bomb end it. Another day perhaps. Hopefully.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Kurt Angle whines about losing his room and says he's going to get his title back next week. Wow, all of Angle's split personalities in one 40 second segment. It's like... the embodiment of this episode's bipolarness in one quick little segment.

6 Man LockDown Revenge Tag Match- Kip James, “Cowboy” James Storm w/ Jackie Moore, and Robert Roode vs. BG James, Booker T w/o Sharmell, and ladies & gentlemen, this is... Sting!

Booker and Kip start the match after Roode backs off. Kip gets the upper hand, but loses it quickly. Chops, forearms, knees, and here is Sting. Roode goes through the Stinger wringer and BG is in. He gets his punches and a shot on Kipper. Back stabber gets two. Break!

Back and a standing dropkick from Roode to BG. Corner clothesline, then the rolling neck snap thing and BG is reeling. The crowd chants “we want Booker!” BG and Roode knock heads. Tags and Storm and Booker are in. Booker cleans house for a bit with educated feet and a Spinebuster. Spinaroonie! Roode will have none of that, and kicks him really hard. Jackie tosses Storm the beer bottle. Here's Matt Morgan to the rescue for no apparent reason. (Future Me: Upon further review, there is a reason, but it isn't that goot of one...) Bicycle kick lays out the magnificent bastard. Ax Kick. Game over.

Winner: Booker, BG James, and Sting

Booker is confused about what happened, and BG and Sting tell him as Morgan comes out of hiding, He gets on the stick and is pissed off about the help, and tells Sting off for being down with the cheating and pushes him. He says if he's man enough to take a piece, he's welcome to try and take one. Next week. Ooh, legend/almost legend clash. Booker gets cheered as he heads for the vortex. Sting is in the ring shocked (stung?).

Preview of next week and aloha means goodbye.

This is the crappy but unpredictable bipolar TNA I'm used to. Plenty of good, plenty of bad, plenty of ridiculous. Very little in between, and wild swings between the three from segment to segment, and sometimes within one. Even the ol' outta nowhere heel turn got at least teased.

(Dino) Sendoff: Apparently there was an earthquake somewhere in the Midwest last night. My chair and thing my computer rests on started shaking around the said time it happened. And again in time with another fairly strong one happened several hours later when. I didn't feel anything when I freaked out and got up, and nothing sturdier so much as moved, so it must've been pretty far away from here. Either that or my place is haunted... I think I prefer the distant earthquake theory. Yet another thing to add in to an already pretty crappy night. Oh well, it's raining, but not storming, so I'm a lil better now. And my slick as shit Kosuke Fukudome card came today.

The blog pretty much came and went and I realized the urge had passed a week into it. This lil sendoff is all the blog I'm feelin' right now. I did sneak in a Lita joke in though, which is nice. Or not. Hey, this is really random & shit. I better wrap it up.

Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley (feeling a gimmick change coming on... or maybe it's just mild indigestion), and I've got to stop falling for women who are taken. See? That shit is blogger-riffic right there.


by Charley Martin

I'm missing the last couple innings of the Cubs game for this... dammit! Geovany Soto is 4-4 and a triple short of the cycle, Mike Fontenot hit a homer and the Cubs lead 7-3 in the bottom of the 7th in Pittsburgh. Long reliever Jon Lieber has been lights out after Rich Hill struggled early. Expect more during commercials. You owe me that much. Now then, lets make an iMPACT!

TNA Wrestling: Cross the Line... of sane booking. Yeah.

Last week on iMPACT, and tonight's “It All Ends in the Cage!” Pyro, ballyhoo, and a rundown of some of tonight's card.

Heeeeeeeere's Team Tomko while Tenay gives us the lowdown on Lockdown.

Tomko's eye is fucked up... Ewww. Ray talks because he can. Well, if it's a good enough reason to try and kill the hook for the entire company, it's good enough to talk loud and angrily. He says Team Cage didn't get over on them, they just pissed Team Tomko off. He tells Matt Morgan not to show up in Boston. He turns his attention to his opponents tonight, saying Sting and Nash are the reason WCW went outta business. Hmm... Nash maybe.

Team Cage is out and Christian says Ray is like Hilary Clinton in a fat suit, then takes it back because Hilary has more balls. This is why he always told Tomko not to think. The Champ is always one step ahead. And at Lockdown, they leave Team Cannonfodder... Tomko for dead.

AJ tries to challenge Team Cage to the, uh, tune of “Don't bring it, sing it”, and gets abandoned when the vastly superior (3 main eventers, a soon to be hugely pushed giant, and a Rhino > two tag teams and... James Storm? Seriously?) opposition advances, and narrowly escapes.

Joe says he'll sign the contract in his own blood.

Still 7-3 in the top of the 8th. Fontenot is up with a runner on second and one out. A graphic comes up that says Cubs are tied for the NL lead in stolen bases with 11. Yay. Diving in the hole, the shortstop whose name I don't know makes the nifty play. Two out, runner on third for Derrek Lee.

Angle talks shit and percentages, then shit some more. Blah, no care-y.

Time to face the consequences! Next!

Final X-Scape Qualifying Match- Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme vs. Consequences Creed w/ Awesome Entrance Theme

Hoyt gets a brief flurry but gets slammed and legdropped. Wicked STO by Rave and he's all over Creed. Finally he has enough and throws Rave in the corner and clotheslines him. The newcomer is rolling until Hemme distracts. Rave gets a pair on a rollup off some Hoyt trippery. Joyt eats flying fist of fury though and we got shuffle jabs and dancing and splits before the big one. A... Hammerlock DDT gets the win for Consequences Creed. Nice.

Winner: Consesquences Creed

Creed joins the chump... champ, Black Machismo, Sonjay Dutt, Brother Devine, and CurryShark in the X-Scape match.

Black Machismo is at his Randy Savage best, and Guru, wearing black tights (hidden highlight of evil!) makes with the compliments and googly eyes on Val and leaves to go shopping with her. Machismo is finally wondering wtf?! Finally!

Still 7-3 in the top of the 9th. Aramis Ramirez gets grazed by a pitch, but nothing doin'.

Cornette says Big Bubba Morgan has been relieved of his duties as his assistant.

Morgan is with Crystal in the back for a rebuttal and says he was sick of it and jumped at the chance when Cage came to him. It's time go his own way and he can take on 99... no 100% of the TNA roster. Everyone will know why they call him the most genetically jacked, athletically stacked giant going today. I wonder who these they are who call him that. I've never heard anyone say it, and I write recaps of this clusterfuck, so I'd know. Obviously.

Bottom 9th begins the (hopeful) end. Kerry Wood is in, in a non-save situation.

Ooh Gametrailers TV has the exclusive preview for TNA iMPACT!: The Game, because we can't all be Derek Burgan.

Disturbing yet awesome video of Steiner's torturous initiations and hatred for Canadians.

Team HGH... allegedly (Steiner and Petey) vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Sabin outmaneuvers Petey and the Guns double team the shit out of him with suplexes and legdrops, then make with the double team kicks on Steiner, then a little more double teaming for Petey. Jawbreaker/Spinning Heel Kick combo from Petey. Steiner is in and Rhaka is out with a mysterious black bag. Commercial time is here again.

Apparently the game ended during before this break. That gimmick kinda petered out anticlimactically... didn't even get a post game show. Just straight to Funniest Something or Other. What a ripoff.

Steiner does his thing for a little bit. Then Sabin fights back and bulldogs Petey and the speed goes back up to 15. Lots of highflying and Superkicks ensue. Springboard-ish Tornado DDT. To Petey Williams. From Alex Shelley. Aww, you shouldn't have. Steiner saves after a Shelley frogsplash gets two, then he promptly gets missile dropkicked out of his boots by Super Sabin. Sick double team move that I don't have a clue how to describe, suplex + something else entirely... but Petey kicks out(!). Proof of Petey's toughness, though his badass meter can probably never surpass 8 as long as he's called Petey. Anyway he kills Shelley with the Canadian Destroyer.

Winner: Petey Williams... Steiner didn't really do anything but get his ass kicked and make a save that Petey probably didn't need if he kicked out of the bananas double team a few seconds later, so yeah, all Petey.

Steiner is in the ring and has one more initiation for crazy SOB Petey. He pulls out from the bag Rhaka brought... scissors? Off with the hair... Much reluctance from Petey, but he lets Steiner do the deed. Off with the ponytail. Now he pulls out some clippers, which Petey again reluctantly submits to, while Don West has a spazz out. Steiner then has him kneel before him and gives him his own chainmail headdress. I knight thee Little Petey Pump. They celebrate.

Come see TNA live. Is Don West wardrobe really that scary? Find out for yourself.

Tenay and West talk about stuff.

Video of Joe and Angle's previous encounters and jibba jabba and predictions from Cage, Trigg, Nash, and some skinny guy for Joe/Angle V.

Angle is in the ring. He puts over the upcoming match and calls out Joe to sign the contract. Make it real. Make it damn real!

And here is Joe. In a suit that is somehow too BIG for him. Angle says sorry for interrupting you training for the biggest match of you're life... against me, that if I win you'll never be allowed to wrestle again, and thus never be a threat to my title my epically retardedly booked reign ever again, but I don't trust you, so I whipped up this handy-dandy official-looking contract so that if I win, you are contractually bound to never wrestle again in any organization, which I'm not even sure is actually enforceable, but yeah.

Joe says when he makes a promise, he keeps it. If he loses, he'll never wrestle again, but it's the other promise Angle has to worry about. The promise to da peeple that Joe will be standing over a fallen Angle holding up the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Joe signs the contract, without reading it, because even with a contract putting your career on the line, reading is for chumps. Or the show is only two hours and there's not enough time mess with a theoretically minor detail. They shake hands... and stare DOWN.

Thriller dance lizards...

Gail and ODB are on the same page, and will settle their own differences later. ODB says she's goon rip off Saeed's burka and win an ugly contest against her., because she's not just a pretty face. Or a pretty face. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes, she would win an ugly contest against her. I suppose I just could've sat here and said it though. I'll be all week. Not really.

Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky vs. Roxxi Laveaux

The evil pornstars get the drop on Roxxi and Angelina hits her signature moves without much resistance. She misses a corner charge and Roxxi lays her out with a clothesline. Forearms and descus one from Roxxi. Voodoo Drop! Ouch. That is all.

Deeper voiced Super Eric knows not of who Bulgy Eye Man (Borash) speaks when he calls him Eric Young. He is here to rid TNA of all it's villains (does that include Russo?). Remember Microphone Man (Borash again), fear is temporary, heroes are forever.


Rough Cut!
BG says he could see he and Kip talking again after this.
Kip not so much.
BG is all wrecked up emotionally about fighting Kip.
Kip can't wait.
BG doesn't know exactly how to take on Kip.
Kip intends to go on and be World Heavyweight Champion.

Wow, way to make BG look like a pathetic sack of sad TNA.

Black Reign vs. From Metropolis... Super Eric!

Reign gets Eric outside and beats him up, and it continues back inside. Lameass Facebuster gets only two, but the onslaught continues. The cape comes out of the corner strong and lays out Reign with a clothesline. Up top, Super dropkick scores. Death Valley Driver and it's all over for the evildoer.

Winner: Super Eric

Killer Spelled Backwards comes from behind and beats up the hero. The monsters handcuff Eric to the ropes and beat him up until Super E's sidekick, The Kaz Wonder comes out to make the save only to end up getting overcome and having to be miraculously saved himself or not getting saved at all, either way, looking like a total goof. It does take the other half of the worst potential stable ever, the rock half of The Monsters of Rock overcome him though. Kaz is getting it 4-on-1 (hehe), while Super Eric struggles to free himself... and eventually does break the cuffs, ala Goldberg. Holy shit. O.O

He then proceeds to take out all four guys, including doing his deceptive power thing with a huge back body to Hoyt. And Kaz of course looks like a goof as the villains and brain dead rockers retreat. Cue generic super hero music!

Apparently some terrible gimmick match involving six otherwise unoccupied tag teams and sorta tag teams (like Kaz & EY) was added earlier in the show that I completely missed. Something about handcuffing to the cage and only one guy winning, so we can have more tag teams that don't get along with each other.

Awesome Booker T/Robert Roode video. Why can't the rest of the show be as good as the video packages? Le sigh...


Queen of the Cage video, that actually makes it look like it could be awesome, by highlighting the participants, and not the fact that it is a fucking reverse battle royal cage match!!!!!!!!!

West (too much powder blue!) and Tenay bring a preview of the double main event, in video form... with testimonials!

The Stinger says Brother Ray has his attention. Where else would he go, this is what he knows. These are his people, his breed, if you weeeeeeeel... and when he and Nash get done with Team 3D, they will never question him again.

Nash says while Sting's intentions are honorable, his are to get paid. He says he's rather be overpaid than underpaid... aka the understatement of the century, and to get the money, you gotta be in the main event. And when they run through 3D, he'll climb the ladder again. Where it leads... he'll be where the money's at. This is one of the guys your supposed to be cheering for, by the way.
At least he's honest.

Team 3D vs. Kevin Nash and Sting

Nash starts strong on Devon. Hard shots in the corner, and then in another corner. Sting is in and Devon lays the shots in until he completely runs through Devon with a nifty shoulderblock. Ray is in and talks shit and shoves Sting. Stinger spits in his face and beats him down. He even bites him in the corner. Ray scores a 300+ pound Avalanche in the corner... my suspension of disbelief died with that weight loss shit. Anyway, Sting says No Sale! More beatdown and a big back body. He misses a Stinger Splash though, and will be Ricky Stinger, because Nash isn't capable of selling a worthwhile beating anymore probably.

Ray beats up Sting, as he did on the outside during the commercial break. Double team clothesline misses, but Sting's doesn't. Big Immobile is in with house cleaning foreams. Irish Whip into the side slam gets a “whoooooooooooooa” from the crowd. I giggle. Ray and Devon get thrown in the corner and eat NashLine and a Stinger Splash. Scorpion Deathlock applied to Devon. Chokeslm for Brother Ray.

Styles and Tomko save the day for the villains for the DQ? Heck if I know. And it was slightly late, but not quite as bad as Team 3D saving Devine from Homicide. Cage and Rhino even the odds. Storm is out to swing it back to the heels, cause he's a TOTAL difference maker. Here comes Matt Morgan to take on the entire Team Tomko. Even Jackie when she jumps on his back. He presses her out onto a couple of the bad guys and we've got batshit crazy cool old school wild brawl all over the iMPACT! Zone, and in at least two cases, into the crowd, to end the show.

Nothing To Lose from Operator gives us one last great four minute long hard sell to loud music for Lockdown and we gone!

Much better show than last week, and a decent sell for the Lockdown Pay-Per-View. If I wasn't completely broke from buying a ridiculously expensive Kosuke Fukudome card, I'd be all over it.

(Dino) Sendoff: Bye! ;D


by Charley Martin

Hey pssst, it's me. I'm really tired and my head hurts. Let's make an... ah fuck it, let's just get this over with...

“Morgan's Mess...” is tonight's super happy fun episode title. JB is strangely dressed and runs down the card in front of the door to Cornette's office. Cornette comes out to bitch and moan about being a sick man and Matt Morgan giving Team Tomko a 5th man. Morgan states his case and goes to take care of things. Badass jacket + meek game show host JB = WTF TNA Moment, so I don't have to write it out at the end.

Team Tomko is out to talk shit. And by Team Tomko I mean Brother Ray of Team 3D. He thanks Matt Morgan for giving them a fifth member and talks up and introduces him, “Cowboy” James Storm. Before he can say much, Team Cage arrives. Cage talks and is a badass, and calls out Matt Morgan. He is out and makes the nicey-nice with Team Tomko. Cage asks what Big Bubba Matt is gonna do for his team after giving Tomko's a fifth man. Matt Bubba says he can go find whoever the hell he wants. Cage says he's got an ace up his sleeve.

Kurt Angle talks to JB. Eric says Super Eric is here. Kurt tells the childish moron to bugger off or something.

OMG Iron Man!

Steiner comes driving in with Petey hanging onto the hood for dear life. Steiner says he's gonna cash in the Money in the Feast or Fired match case.

The Rock & Rave Infection have their normal train wreck of a pre-match interview, but with the bonus of a confused and uncomfortable Black Reign & Rellik spelled forwards trying to talk over the Guitar Hero boobs (not Hemme's... though she was distracting the Job Monsters too). Rave did say drop the glorious “We love you Transylvania!” line though, so I'm down with it this week.

8 Man Tag- The Monsters of Rock (Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme and the Job Monsters) vs. Semi-Clever Combination of The Motor City Machine Guns' and LAX' Names That I'm Too Tired to Come Up With (The Motor City Machine Guns and LAX w/ Salinas)

Hoyt gets a pop from the iMPACT! Zone asking who wants to be infected. Uhh... eww. Eric Young is in the crowd.

Back & forth jockeying for position from Sabin & Rave that ends with an insane high impact spinny kick thing from Sabin. Machine Guns go double team apeshit on Rave and knock big Lance off the apron as well while stretching the 5 count more than Lita's lady parts. It had to be said. Sorry Lita! Anyway, the double teaming culminates with the Guns putting submissions on poor Rave and rolling him in position to tag in Homicide who goes up to senton Jimmy's sorry ass. EY leaves ringside. The bad scary monsters hit the slingshot wheelbarrow slam thing and wheel be right back.

Back to it with Ricky Homicide being beaten up some more. Rave goes high risk and leaps into a Manhattan Drop. Gringo Cutter! Hernandez makes the blind and takes out R&RI with that wicked hahdcore Double Slingshot Clothesline (not shoulderblock this week). Hernandez cleans house and chokeplexes... probably Rave. Hoyt gets removed and the Job Monsters get stereo planchas from Michigan's finest. Tope con Hilo. To Lance Hoyt. Regards, Homicide. Border Toss ends Jimmy Rave and turns Tenay and West into Bill & Ted shouting “BORDER TOSS!!!” at the top of their lungs simultaneously.

Winners: Semi-Clever Combination ofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

The monsters come back for a post-match beatdown of the Heroic Hispanics and Kaz goes for the save just in time to prevent Reign from spiking a hole in Hernandez' forehead. He doesn't get too far though, and Super Eric is here to make the save for that hack Kaz. Yeah.

JB is with Sting, and Sting is ready to rock James Storm's world, for all intents and purposes.

Rough Cut, already in progress. Kip is an asshole, BG isn't. Blah blah. Good and unique build though.

More tonight's card pimping.

Character development Kong and Saeed interview segment. Allegedly. I didn't catch much because I like to watch Raisha Saeed on low with a little Marvin Gaye playing in the background, to set the mood. Mmmm... fake Syrian poon. What?

One more week till we face the consequences. Excellent!

Storm talks shit much too loudly for my illing self to tolerate. Something about falling off the X in the sky not being able to keep him down and talking shit to Sting & Rhino.

Non-Title Tag Team Match- TNA World Tag Team Champions- “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles and Tomko, just Tomko vs. “The Alleged War Machine” Rhino and Christian Cage

Tomko overpowers but gets outquicked, and Styles gets run to the floor. Double teams by Team Cage. War Machine gets beat up and doesn't live up to his nickname. Picture perfect dropkick. Shades of Jim Brunzell! What? Rhino catches the Styles charge and powerslams him. Shades of Road Warrior Animal! Yeah, that's more like it. Cage is in and beats up Styles a bit. Tomko puts an end to it though. Pele!!11111111 Seeya at the other end of this bunch of mostly likely mind-numbingly stupid commercials.

Running Powerslam from Tomko to Cage brings us back. Orton Lock (I believe this is the part where drink the alcohol placed before you). Cage escapes but eats back elbow. Styles goes back to the chinlockery (drink dammit!). AJ snaps off a head scissors from his back and almost gets a pin out of it. I approve so fucking hard. Slightly Delayed Vertical Suplex by Tomko. Cage hits. Styles gets Gore'd out of his boots. Cage repeatedly goes for the tag, but can't out muscle Tomko OR lil' AJ, but when he finally does make it, the ref misses it. The second time the ref gets up in Rhino's face about it and gets physical about it. Uh-oh. When the ref turns back towards Rhino he gets Gore'd out of his consciousness. Tomko and Styles eat the good guys' finishers. Rhino's Gore turns AJ inside oot! Tomko is now even less pretty. Team 3D is out to cause violence, but Nash comes out with a chair to run them off, of course not actually doing any damage, because his physically broken shell of a Diesel, can't climb into the ring fast enough to catch anyone. It's actually makes my legs hurt watching him climbing to the apron and into the ropes. Just sad.

Cornette tells our previously unseen character, “The Ring Announcer”, that the match is over. He does exist!... *faints* I think this'll be the TNA WTF Moment, since it's much less offensive to my mental state than JB's jacket, but I'm still not writing it out at the bottom. The match is ruled a DQ in favor of the heels, btw.

Winners: Tomko and AJ Styles

Back from the break. Bubba Morgan is here and says he'll ref Sting/James Storm. Perpetually henpecked Cornette whines and goes to find him stripes that'll fit, but Big Bubba reveals he already has one after the sad sack leaves.

Val and Machismo are in a hot tub at some hotel. Machismo is either cheap, broke, or both. Destructive Love Sonjay Dutt comes up from the bubbly depths and interrupts as Jay and Val are about to kiss. Cockblockin' SOB.

X-Scape Qualifying Match- Elix Skipper w/ actual crowd response(?!?!) vs. Stone Cold Shark Boy

Skipper attacks attacks at the bell, but still gets his mudhole stomped and bulldogged. Sharky misses a second rope fist drop and eats a big roundhouse. Elix fucks up Sharky on the floor. Skipper tries to run down the top rope to 'rana Shark MAN. He gets pushed off and eats a second rope missile dropkick. Thesz Press and punches. Fin drop. Sharky counters a decap roundhouse, with the side of his head. Damn... consider that concussion no-sold! Neckbreaker by Sharklesworth. Skipper isn't done yet and won't be suplexed today! Huge Guillotine Legdrop to Sharky strung out over the top rope. Elix goes high rent, but it bites him in the ass like Shark Boy used to when he was a jobber. Sharky dropkicks Skippy's legs out from under him and he's easy pickins. Frankensteiner and a Stunner send the Sharky on to the X-Scape match.

Winner: Shark Boy

Traci cuts a good promo and looks hotter than ever. Payback is a bitch, and so are you. Team VD (Love and Sky) come in and talk shit.

Shark Boy says stuff. Curry Man shows up and he and Crystal dance. He speaks in Japanese legends names and dances some more with Crystal when Shark Boy walks off in disgust.

Grudge Match- Payton Banks vs. Traci Brooks

Traci chases and gets caught coming back in. Brooks fights back but takes a Back Cracker gets two before too long. Crossface punches by Banks and she presses the attack. Two Succession Jawbreakers and a Running kickintheface. Facebuster thing from the second rope. Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Winner: Traci Brooks

Team VD attacks. Salinas is in to attack the heels. Now Jackie is in to attack her. Here comes Roxxi to kill some bitches. Here's Hemme to do nothing much of note really. Sharmell is here with a strap and she cleans house and runs the heels off. Nobody straps whip with the Sharmell. Or something. Yeah.

Booker is here to collect his wife and be upset. SPEAKING of collecting, new TNA cards will be out soon, and if you outbid me on any, I will break your freakin' neck, humanoids. Capiche? :d

Back and Booker complains but Sharmell shuts him up.

Samoa Joe training video and jibba-jabba. Here comes badass mode Kurt. He's here to see that Joe keeps his promise to quit wrestling if he loses, demanding Joe puts his promise in writing next week. Steiner is here to cash in his title shot... at Sacrifice. He says the way Joe's been training, Kurt ain't gunna win.

Big Bubba Morgan comes up with a terrible idea for Lockdown after seeing the Knockout's brawl. Reverse Women's Battle Royal Cage Match = NO BUYS!!!!!!!!!!! You see the shit that I have to put up with around here. Cornette gets angry and sends him away to referee his match... then steals the idea. That stupid sneaky bastard.

Special Guest Referee Big Bubba Matt Morgan- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Sting w/ baseball bat

Sting catches the worst Pearl Harbor attempt ever and beats the hell outta Storm on the outside. Into the crowd! Take home a charismatic hard drinking midcard heel. After busting up a wall with Storm's body a couple times, Sting takes him back and throws him back in the ring. Jackie keeps him from getting back in though, and Storm takes advantage. Rope assisted DDT. Ooh, that was swank. Brb, people who don't care to watch TNA, but want to know the results anyway.

Sting no-sells his head being slammed into the turnbuckle. Who knew Steve Borden was part Samoan? Or part Koko B. Ware. Up top and a Sky High Superplex gets two for the Stinger. Storm hits an enzuigiri soon after, but Sting holds the ropes to prevent the Back Stabber. Sting's Self Titled Splash misses and he gets dropped. Storm douses himself in booze and goes for his Finishing Superkick that I forgot the name of and am too tired to look up, but misses. Scorpion Deathlock applied and Jackie tries to save, but her top rope dive is caught by Morgan. He puts her out on the apron but she hangs onto him so he can't see the low blow by her charge. Storm tries to end Sting with the bat but Morgan catches it in the nick of time and yoinks it. Storm argues with Morgan, who tosses the bat away, right... to... Sting? Storm doesn't notice, and Morgan turns away as Sting does his business with the bat to Stormy. Scorpion Death Drop, and it is ovah!

Winner: Sting

The bad guys are out to get into Matt Morgan's face. They surround the big man and Team Cage is finally out, after two or three shots of Sting looking on from the ramp all concerned-like, to put one down on the bad guys, while Morgan looks on. Most of the ring clears, and out of nowhere, the big man bicycle kicks Devon's head off. Probably closer to literally than usual. Styles eats that old finisher of Morgan's that I don't know if it ever even got a name and I'm too tired to look for, but basically is a vertical suplex into something resembling a Book End, or for those damn pathetic fools that prefer The Rock over Booker T, Rock Bottom (Future Me: Wikipedia calls this the Mount Morgan Drop). The horribly overmatched heels retreat and can only look on as Christian rips off Morgan's ref shirt to reveal a Team Cage one. OMG bass-ackwards booking FTMFWB!

I was totally not up for this today and the show did me no favors, other than Curry Man joy, to get me up for it. Hopefully things get better next week, for me and for them.

(Dino) Sendoff: I got a blog finally (link coming next week, provided there is wrestling related content there by then), and if I can figure out to scan from my magic sketchbook without dismantling it, those damn TNA chibis might start appearing here someday too. Things are looking something. Here's hoping for a great re-debut for Consequences Creed next week. Until we meet again clusterfuckers ;), I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, now go drink you juice.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).