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March 06, 2008
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March 27, 2008

by Charley Martin

Hello everyone and welcome to the decidedly not live recap of the very firstest live episode of TNA iMPACT! Now then, LETS MAKE AN iMPACT!~!!!!!!111

The show opens with a wild brawl between Booker T and Robert Roode in the crowd that eventually makes it's way back to the ring where Peyton and Traci join the fray to brawl with each other. Traci breats Peyton down, btw. The useless security finally decides to hit the ring after a bit and break it up. They even fail to do that properly the first time, and Booker jumps back on Roode for briefly before he can duck out.

Fan voting for the Awesome Kong match is underway as Tenay and West welcome us to this LIVE edition of iMPACT!. Gah, scary party hosts.

Here be Jim Cornette. He says there will be more fan interaction tonight besides Awesome Kong vs. insert fan voted knockout here. Roode and Booker will compete mano-on-mano, but the fans can go to the website and vote on the stipulation at the TNA website. Last Man Standing, I Quit, and First Blood are the options. I wonder if they waited until after the announcement to put up the poll. He stares Roode down in a way that can best be described as sadistic. Ooh, creepy.

Borash is with the tag champs. AJ whines and Tomko is loud and angry. Sounds about right. Angle gives Tomko gloves and says something about him knocking some dude out in shoot fight in Japan, and says they better bring it in their exhibition tonight or they might get hurt. They and he tells Borash to work out, because it might be him next week. Har dee har har.

Xscape Qualifying Match- Johnny Devine w/ Team 3D and video camera vs Alex Shelley w/o Chris Sabin

Fucking hell, I'm not awake or warmed up enough to do an Alex Shelley match yet. Why they always gotta open the show with the Machine Guns? Dammit. Oh well, should be pretty good at least.

Devine gets the drop on Shelley but eats Codebreaker, springboard jawbreaker thing, running forearm and corner clothesline in quick succession. Devine comes back but gets scisssor headed. Team 3D interferes but the lights flicker while Shelley hits an awesome something that I couldn't make out because Sting was playing mind games with the guys at ringside. Can't you just picture Sting by a light switch in the back giggling maniacally as he flicks it on and of repeatedly? Well, it worked. 3D back out of dodge. Alex dives onto Devine on the floor from the apron knee first. Fighting spirit, bitches. As if that wasn't enough he hits a suicide dive too. Awesome Kong's perspective murder victims argue amongst themselves in the back as we hit da break.

Devine gets a near fall when we come back. Apparently Shelley was in control most of the break, if Tenay is to be believed. Devine with his nifty shit snap suplay. Shelley fights back right quick though with clotheslines and such. Basement dropkick. That's how you do it, Team VD. Take note. Devine eats a weak Spinebuster. Lionsault gets two. Devine misses a second rope crossbody and takes a Superkick. Shelley's Asai DDT is averted. Rollup gets two. Devine gets dumped out. Fortunately by his camera, which he nails Shelley with when he's not looking. Double Unbderhook Piledriver finishes the job for Devine.

Winner: Johnny Devine... though he really only got in about three moves the entire match.

Sonjay nearly kills Machismo at the gym by chatting up Val. Oh and Petey called him an amateur for the benching 400 lbs(!) beforehand. Jeez... what does that make us mere mortals then?

Booker wants a First Blood Match, and dude's pissed.

The Forbidden Kingdom starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li... how can one screen hold that much awesome?

Brother Ray congratulates Brother Devine and tells him to destroy the X-Division. Ray talks shit at Sting and he maniacally giggles while messing with the lights to spook the comically chibi-like villians. Works every time.

Hey, Highlander Robbie is in the house. Uh-oh.

Six Person Mixed Tag- Scott Steiner, Petey Williams, and Rhaka Khan (Team HGH) vs. LAX (Homicide, Hernandez, y Salinas)

Petey got electrocuted as punishment for winning last week (the week before it was initiation by attempted drowning). I had a really great Captain Planet reference, but then I remembered it was wind and not lightning and now I'm a sad panda. :(

And now what are they supposed to do with Scott Steiner (token idiot American), Tiger Mask (token Asian), soon-to-debut Consequences Creed (token Black Guy/*presumably* only English-speaking sane person in this analogy thus de facto leader), Kevin Nash (played The Russian in the Punisher movie), and Eric Young (embodiment of the Heart of TNA)? Put them in (probably only slightly) less stupid storylines? Maybe...

Some shit I missed happens and when I look up again Steiner and Hernandez are staring down. Eye pokery by Scooty. Scott Steiner gets a catapult/clothesline/elbow drop on knees double team) and another double team for the future Captain Petey. Petey gets some offense that's been hard to come by lately. Scott back in with a Belly to Belly, but he lifts Homicide up at two. Super Overhead Belly to Belly from the second rope, and Steiner lifts him up again. Gringo Cutter to Petey. Steiner knocks Homicide into the tag and eats Slingshot Shoulderblock. Hooray! Chokeplex in here somewhere. Petey gets Powerbombed and Khan has to make the save. Salinas jumps her to no avail, and Khan goes and beats her up on the floor. HUUUUGE Big Man Dive from Hernandez out onto Steiner! Gringo Killer is countered and so is the Canadian Destroyer. Homicide with a Bridging T-Bone FTW!

Winners: LAX

Rough Cut.
Kip is a whiny egomaniac, and BG is a dreamer with a life. Pretty much the gist of it. This one was about the Feast or Fired match.

Joel Zumaya is here too. Again. At least he isn't playing Guitar Hero... I think all of Detroit can be thankful for that.

Karen talks and I can't bring myself to care. I'm too busy casting my vote for the Booker/Roode and Awesome Kong/??? matches. It was something about her separation from Kurt or something. Whatever.

Joe trains in video form and ups the badass quotient by a bunch when he speaks via satellite. Why is he training in a satellite? Frank Trigg is here to provide insight.

Tomko and AJ Styles Gainesville Vocational variant (coming soon!) are out and here comes Angle.

Nothing much happens in the first round except for one punch that opens up Tomko. Didn't Tomko get a whole mess of shots to the face in a recent first blood match and bleed? What gives? I'm seriously starting to doubt the reality of this sport... yeah. Anyway, nothing at all happens in round two. Just some dodging by AJ. Round three sees Tomko take the fight to Angle but get caught in the Ankle Lock at the end of the round. He doesn't tap though. Round four AJ annoys Kurt by squirming out of his holds and being quicker but otherwise completely unthreatening to him.

Cage, Nash, and Rhinocerosman are here to help with a real sparring session and hit the ring. Angle leaves his guys to get pummeled and Trigg says it was wise for him to do so. Team 3D saves the day... FOR EVIL. Beatdown ensues and as Cage (I think) is about to be set up to go through a table when...
The lights go out. Still out... still out. Hurry up Sting, it's only a two hour broadcast... And here he is. HUGE pop for the Stinger and he says he's happy to be back and lets do it tonight! Tomko accepts and it's on, because TNA stupidly didn't already sign a main event for their very first ever live episode of iMPACT!

First Blood Match is officially chosen by the fans. Roode talks shit and says he wants Booker's blood just as bad as he wants his, and Roode says at Lockdown, he'll be out for Sharmell's blood too.

Linebacker extraordinaire James Farrior is in the house.

Robert Roode vs. Booker T

It's a fistfight to start and Booker is in control. Back elbow, then a Hook kick. Superkick. Roode fights back and runs into a Spinebuster. Ax Kick misses and Roode fights back again but gets dumped on the floor. Booker goes after him as we hit the break.

TNA: Cross the Line!

Back just in time to see Booker gets DDT'd on the apron. Roode sets up a chair and drop toe holds Booker onto it. No blood. Punches to the forehead. No blood. T reverses an Irish Whip and Roode goes back first into the chair. Booker gets a hold of the chair and tosses it to Roode and goes for a Roundhouse version of a VanDaminator. Somehow Booker lacks the subtelty that allows Rob Van Dam to hit the move EVERY... SINGLE... TIME, and misses, allowing Roode to throw the chair in Booker's face. Still no blood. Roode with the chair and he swings and misses and the chair rebounds off the top rope into his own face. Damn, Booker is good at making guys do that. Especially if his wife is involved in the angle. Before that sentence could be half finished Booker has already clotheslined Roode out. Roode fights back and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but no go. Booker catapults Roode into the post. There is blood. A little tiny trickle of blood smaller than that of Samoa Joe's bleeding arm a few weeks ago. That is all. Pretty good match. Crappy nearly bloodless finish.

Winner: Booker T

Booker tries to open it with some punches to the cut, but not even that works. Damn.

SILENCE white woman! Saeed says tonight is a verrry special night. I... forgot the rest. Probably something about it not mattering who we voted for though. Sorry.

WrestleMania 24 commercial. It's kinda sad that Big Show/Mayweather is looking like the it might actually be one of the highlights of the card.

ODB gets the fan vote by less than 500, despite my efforts. :P
Gail shakes her hand and tells her to get the job done.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match- ODB vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

ODB starts on the attack, the stupidly tries to slam Kong. More proof that heroes are stupid. She did get her up though. And then she landed on her. A beatdown ensues. Camel Clutch applied. ODB fights back but back to the Camel Clutch. Desperation move allows for her to . ODB Shawn Michaels' up and throws everything she has at the Konger. Second Rope Thesz Press gets two. Kong misses a corner charge and gets bulldog'd for another near fall. Out of nowhere Kong wakes up and hits a punch combo that concludes with the Spinning Back Fist, and doesn't even let ODB hit the ground before hitting the Awesome Bomb, and that is game.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Commercial Free Main Event coming up next. Brought to you by The Forbidden Kingdom.  Thank Jackie & Jet.

I've gotta say Lockdown's card looks way better than WrestleMania's.

Cage cuts himself an awesome promo.

Team Tomko (Team 3D and TNA Tag Team Champions of the World AJ Styles and Tomko) vs. Team Cage (Rhino, Christian Cage, Kevin Nash, and Sting)

Whoo, sick shot of Tomko's busted up eye area.

Cage outmaneuvers Styles and back & forth we go until Cage hits his second rope back elbow. AJ gets flipped onto his face and Tomko is in and throws Cage in the corner. Nash gets in and they lock up. Tomko with hard shots for Nash. Side slam by Nash. Rhino Morton is in to get beat up. Double Shoulderblock by Team 3D. Rhino gets the better of Devon but gets crotched on the post when he ends up in heel country. Rhino gets beat up on the floor for a Wii bit. Second rope splash by Brother Ray gets two. Ouch, that's like 650 lbs. Rhino fights back to no avail on Tomko. Nondescript beatdown continues! Body scissors by Ray. Bird dunks. He punches him some while he has the move on though. That's more like it, pale and morbidly overweight man (not me... I'm officially legit cruiserweight weight!). Picture perfect dropkick by Styles. Rhino needs to make a tag badly. He dodges the Devon corner charge and lays out Ray with a clothesline. He gets the hot tag to Sting who kills everybody. Stinger Splashes for the big guys, and he catches the flying AJ with a Manhattan Drop. Scorpion Deathlock! Ray makes the save and it is clusterfuck time. Cage and Tomko take it to the floor, and 3D beats up a couple of old men. Scorpion Death Drop on somebody! Ray saves the bad guys from a most humiliating defeat. Sting eats 3D-B! Nash gets his weak looking choke slam on Ray! Tomko gets him with his TomkoRiat! Cage scores a silky smooth Tornado DDT on Tomko. AJ flies and takes out Cage. Stinger Press Slams AJ to the floor onto someone. Ray gets Gore'd out of something. That leaves Sting with only one guy in the ring. Guess who does the job for the heels, and the first three guesses don't count. Unless Devon was one of them... because it was him, you see. A valiant struggle is put up, but nobody cares to help him or yoink out the referee, so Brother Devon has no choice but to tap.

Winners: Team Cage

The good guys stand tall and get fireworks, until James Storm lays out Sting for reasons unknown and the bad guys stand over the fallen heroes, and there is your first live iMPACT! How exciting. A hot crowd, good matches, a general lack of bad booking taint and stupid skits, and interactive fan voting.

Ooh, Field of Dreams is on. I need a good, *manly* cry. Bye.

Yay!: 5 matches tonight, and not a single bad one on the card. I wasn't sold on ODB, but as of tonight, consider me sold. Sting came back and the crowd ate it up. And it was a damn good crowd too. Booker had his first better than average match, shitty Roode blade job not withstanding. Much less stupidity than normal.

It felt kinda like a summer of '96 WCW Monday Nitro from Disney for some reason. I have no idea why, but those was good times as far as I'm concerned, so I'm down with that feeling.

Boo!: Worst blade job ever. Way to ruin an otherwise good match Roode. The Muta Scale has a new low point. Why the hell are Tomko and AJ sparring with Kurt Angle? They've got their own problems to deal with right now, especially Tomko. Team Cage and Team Tomko fighting already, but it looks like it's going to end up being 5-on-5. Oh, and on that note, can we have Ray do the job JUST ONCE?! Let the superior worker (and all around less annoying member) of the team not take the loss just once. Minor sound glitches. Finally, there was a severe lack of Curry Man on my television tonight.

Gwahhh?!: He's Robbie!

(Dino) Sendoff: The first of hopefully many live iMPACT!s to come has run it's course and it was good. Also, still no blog. Oh well. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been shocked and amazed, and if I played my cards right, mildly aroused. ;)


by Charley Martin

Your tired and horny keeper of the iMPACT! is here. Lets do it. Lets... make an iMPACT! Quick and dirty!

“Strange Bedfellows” is tonights episode title. JB is outside Cornette's office and runs through the big shit going down tonight. Cage comes out smiling and then Cornette tells him to add that Rhino goes one-on-one with Tomko right here TONIGHT!!!!!!!1

Booker T is here! There be a table with wine and glasses in the ring. He brings (his LOVELY wife) Sharmell out. She still has a leather strap and spanks Booker with it. Bwahahaha. He says he's never going to put her in harm's way again. Roode is out be a jerk. And so is Cornette, because Sharmell not only showed up unannounced at the pay-per-view, but whipped the tatas outta everybody, most importantly himself, so the man with the golden tongue is gonna put Booker and Roode in the cage at Hard Justice, but he's also gonna put Payton and Sharmell in there too, because lightly whipping Jim Cornette with a leather strap is something you just don't do. Booker goes psycho spazzinoid and flips the table, sending most likely cheap (hell, this is TNA, I'm surprised it wasn't boxed) wine and glasses flying. This prompts Cornette to come back and put him in a match against AJ Styles later tonight, because Cornette likes his Boone's Farm more than Karen Angle and you don't send IT flying either. Or something. I dunno, I'm pretty out of it right now.

Backstage AJ spazzes out about facing Booker and here's Team 3D to sexually harass Crystal and say they've got AJ's back and tell Booker to beware.

Eric says he's glad Super Eric was in the building to save the day at Destination X and says he'll be fine as long as Black Reign and Rellik don't show up. Dear god, you stupid fucking dumbass idiot. Why not just go to the monsters and beg them to show up, you impish dolt!?

HGH (“Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams and “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan) vs. Kaz and Eric Young

Eric nearly dies from pyro and Rellik is killer spelled backwards is officially dead after the smarmy way even froggier and more abrasively voiced than usual Don West said it. When the special behind the scenes cameras were rolling last week Scott was trying to drown Petey. Initiation my ass, lets call it what it really is. Legalized torture. Of course, this being wrestling, attempted murder with a rental car or other mode of transportation is allowed, so what's a little torture amongst tag team partners? I stand corrected. Thanks self. :)
You're welcome.

Kaz peppers Petey with armdrags and EY continues to work the arm. Hiptoss and bodyslam put him down again and Steiner is in to show him how it's done. How to be extremely cranky and less intelligent than Peter Griffin. EY gets out of dodge and Kaz comes in and hits some kicks and runs into an overhead belly to belly. SteinerLine and elbow drop and pushups. Wonder if he'd get a pinfall outta that if he didn't compulsively start doing pushups. Beautifully sold Lungblower and Petey goes Octopus abdominal stretch thing into a sunset flip. Kaz rolls through and dropkicks Petey's basement. EY gets the stupid tag and goes to town for some milk and bread. What? Death Valley Driver gets two. Candian Destroyer awesomely countered by Kaz with a reverse piledriver thingy. I approve. Kaz gets removed from the equation on the outside and EY is up top for some probably insane flippy shit that you wouldn't think he could do like his freaky strength and Lionsaults and shit, but the Job Monsters are here to soil the good times. Dustin Rhodes bloated remnants in facepaint says evil always prevails because he's never seen a Disney movie before. Yeah, lets go with that. Steiner is up to meet the frozen in fear nincompoop and hits his second rope Somoan Drop/Angle Slam that makes EY dead.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Petey Williams

Scott is upset about having to be the workhorse of his team at his age and so Petey gets lead away in cuffs and and a bag over his head again.

Iron Mike has a sitdown interview with Christian and Rhino, and Cage better not be using him to fuck wit' Rhino.
Cage says he's reflected on what he's done and apologizes and Rhino on his team.

Rhino says his daughter saw Uncle Christian beating the hell out of him and his wife had to lie to his daughter and say they were just playing and found that whole thing really disturbing and sickening, so he walks off the set.

Tomko vs. Rhino

Tomko talks shit and gets the shit blasted out him. Tomko with a hard Irish Whip into the corner that levels Rhino, but The War Machine fights back... then runs into a rather large boot. Weak back elbow knocks Rhino back, but he ducks and clothesline's Tomko out.

Back and Rhino is escaping a chinlock or something and hits a flying clothesline, shoulderblock in the corner and a belly to belly suplex. Here comes AJ Styles out of nowhere with a flying forearm behind the Hebner's back that levels Rhino. Decap clothesline ends him for this match. So much for being a “War Machine”.

Winner: Tomko

But wait. Some people in the front row are pointing down where AJ went to hide under the ring get Hebner's attention and he lifts the curtain to find AJ chillin'. AJ vehemently denies any wrong-doing and sez he was just there chillin'. Tomko starts yelling and Hebner is finally about to change the ruling but Tomko and AJ beat the hell out of Rhino, causing easily distracted referee trope to kick in and thus we will never know if there is an official ruling or not. Cage makes the save and Team Cage they stand tall near the end. Cage extends his hand and Rhino slowly takes it and they are instantly magically on the same page and face down the tag champs. However, Team 3D attacks from behind until Nash is out with a chair to chase the bad men away, but not do any harm, because knees held together by paper clips and old, crusty refried beans can only carry 320 lbs so fast.

Rhino will pull double duty apparently tonight because he and Cage will take on Team 3D in the main event. So says vindicative onscreen authority figure Jim Cornette.

Machismo and Val are on a date at restaurant out of his price range. Sonjay Dutt brings their water and says he works here as a waiter when he isn't wrestling, to make a little extra income for the cause of love that destroys lives and tag teams. He chats up Val while Macho Jay begs him for a discount.

“The Guru” Sonjay Dutt vs. Homicide w/ Hernandez y Salinas

Dutt scores a swank armdrag and chats up Val and does it again then gets beat up. Bridging T-Bone gets by Homicide gets two. Snap suplex for another near fall. Dutt comes back with his seesaw kick in the corner goes for a springboard and falls on his face and holds his knee and sells it too hard for it to be real, but tries to continue, eventually luring Homicide in for the pin.

Winner: “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Sonjay dances around very pleased with himself, much to Val's amusement. He goes and shrugs it off and hugs the LAX boys and eats a hard shot from Homicide, who throws him between Hernandez' legs. Kinky. Bordertoss kills Guru dead and they steal the money he collected too, while Val checks up on him.

Booker is out of his mind, and not in the funny Black Machismo Jay Lethal way.

Commercial musings: I won't be complaining about having somewhat smallish hands anymore. Oh wait, yes I will.

Rough Cut

BG and Kip talk about stuff. BG isn't the Road Dogg anymore and has a life and responsibilties. He felt teaming up with Kip again was forced on him and he wasn't comfortable with it.

Kip says he should've been down with getting back together and he tried to drop hints to BG to pick it up a little bit and felt he had no other choice.

BG was oblivious to the hints dropped and thought their relationship was better than ever and that Kip had matured as much as he himself had.
Kip admits he didn't necessarily completely carry BG, but definitely did 60% of the work.

See Don West's giant head live!

“The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell

AJ has a special guest tonight. It's Karen. Blah blah blah. Booker Time! Karen and AJ talk at ringside while the former king from up north makes his entrance.

Booker goes bananas on AJ. Bodyslam and AJ gets chopped down and knees to the face and a running forearm in the corner. AJ dodges and goes on offense but misses a Stinger Splash and gets his head Superkicked off. Figuratively. Roode is out to cause a distraction. Booker misses a high impact kick and takes one of his own. LalalalalalalalaCOMMERCIAL.


Styles slingshots onto Booker on the floor. Karen ish concerned. During the break Booker got beat up some more and Cornette and his incompetent security got rid of the Roode. A Pele drops Booker. Karen is pleased. Booker with a Hook Kick and a side slam. AJ dodges the Ax Kick, even though it was much quicker than usual and reels off another Pele. Ms. Banks attacks Sharmell, but she pulls the strap out of hammerspace and slaps her with it a bunch and chases her away. Meanwhile, ever ADD addled Styles got distracted allowing Booker to roll him up for the win.

Winner: Booker T... and the awkwardness of a 6'3” 250+ lb man rolling up a 5'10” 200 lb man.

After the match, Karen made like something that disappears and disappeared.

Saeed has new message from Kong. Blah blah swines blah blah blah Gail and ODB will face The Wrath of Kong blah.

Team VD (Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) vs. ODB and Gail Kim

ODB overpowers with a shoulderblock but gets pulled down for some stereo kip ups. I approve. Sky in after a lil tomfoolery and she charges wildly into a drop toe hold. Gail is in with a European uppercut and stuff. Angie assists Velvet in avoiding a buttery smooth armdrag, than tags in to eat one of her own. Gail scores with some more shades of Ricky Steamboat offense, hitting a crossbody from the second rope. Lucha Arm Drag! Sadly I've come to realize that means she's about to start getting beat up. At least she goes out with a blaze of awesome. As it happens Velvet interferes and gets laid out, allowing Angelina to bicycle kick Gail out of her boots. And only her boots sadly. Double elbow drop and Sky gets her new signature offense with the bulldog and this week a double team snapmare, kick in the back, basement dropkick combination. Just as bad as last week's. Gail fights out of the inverted stunner and scores the flying clothesline hair yank takedown thing and gets the hot (in a skeezy kind of way) tag to ODB. Sky also got the tag and she gets the brunt of the drinky one running wild. X-Factor on Sky! Love gets speared by Gail and removed from the ring. Jawbreaker by Sky only staves off defeat briefly. Running powerslam, favourite of midsized powerhouses with Dog somewhere (British Bulldog and Junkyard Dog... if ya didn't know, now you know) in their names everywhere, wins it for ODB... does the D stand for Dog?

Winners:  ODB and Gail Kim

Roxxi chases Angie and, uh, Velvie away.

Kurt says there is no Karen and it's always been his and he's gonna kill not one not two not three but four bitches tonight.

Some MMA guys put over Samoa Joe. Angle has no shoes on and is taped. According to Tenay, Ephraim Sims is an accomplished amateur wrestler. He gets choked into submission. The next guy, whose name I missed, is said to be an MMA trainee. He submits to heel hookery. Frank Siazo, who according to Tenay is a boxer, taps to a guillotine choke. Kory Chavis, that guy that got squashed by Mesias a few weeks ago gets punched into a bloody heap.

Kurt tells Joe it won't matter how hard he trains and holds up his bloody taped fist like the badass he (OCCASIONALLY) is.

Tomko talks shit. Ray keeps trying to steal AJ's title. They call out CurryShark and the Machine Guns. Devon gets to do the talking and Ray does the “Oh my bruthah, testify!”

Prepare to face the consequences on April 10th.

Awesome video about Christian Cage and Rhino.

Team 3D w/ Brother Devine vs. Rhino and Christian Cage

West basically tells us that Cage set himself to save Rhino earlier tonight. That sneaky sonuva bitch.

Devon gets the drop on Rhino but eats a shoulderblock to the gut in the corner. Cage is in and slides out and drops Ray and scores a back elbow from the top rope on Devon. Brother Devine, who apparently has nothing to do right now but be an unofficial Brother Runt for 3D, interferes and distracts Cage, allowing Devon put things back in his favor. Rhino chases the spoony bard until he runs into a Brother Ray clothesline. Things are looking bad as we hit the break.

Back and Ray throws Cage in to the post. Devon misses a second rope dive and nearly gets rolled up. Cage floats over the inverted suplex thing and hits his inverted DDT. Rhino gets the tag and goes Rhinoshit on the bad guys. Back body drops for both and he double clotheslines them out of their boots. Thankfully only their boots. Spinebuster gets two. Out goes Rhino and Cage is set up for doomsday, but rolls victoriously into just the right position and Rhino pushes Devon into the diving headbutt to the nether regions. Wasssssssssap? Cage slingshots out onto Devine for some reason and Ray eats Gore! But Ray isn't allowed to be pinned so, Tomko yoinks out the ref for the DQ.

Winners: Rhino and Christian Cage via DQ

Team Tomko destroys everybody... including Kevin Nash, who came without a chair this time because good guys are idiots, even when they have more experience than anybody else in the ring, and CurryShark and the Machine Guns, who failed to make the save, because they couldn't be bothered to coordinate their attack, and as they stand tall over 7 guys, one of whom is really tall, the lights go out and some familiar music hits.... seeya next week right here. There's a good chance it'll be showtime or something, folks.

Yay, it was a very good episode with lotsa good build and drama to go with the good in-ring action (Sonjay Dutt dumbness notwithstanding). Too bad it didn't even make it to 1.1 this week...

(Dino) Sendoff: Ya know what, I'm just going to stop saying what I plan on doing down here at the end. I never got around to doing the TNA chibis, because doing the Black Machismo one first pretty much killed my will (stupid diamond pattern!), I never broadcast from my jtv channel anymore (which I never even properly linked to), I haven't even watched this $1 wrestling dvd or even asked if Sean wants it to possibly post it, and I still have no blog. There's probably some other things I mentioned but never did that I'm forgetting to. Dammit! I don't even have an excuse like drugs or a life to speak of! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And why the fuck do I always end up doing some of my better work when I say it'll be quick & dirty?

On that note, bye! >=(


by Charley Martin

I finally put Super Smash Bros Brawl down for a minute, so... let's make an iMPACT!

Snazzola opening video of Destination X recappery leads us to tonight's episode “The End of Joe?” Seriously, that was awesome.

Pyro + Ballyhoo = Showtime

Cornette is in the ring and announces the double main event for Lockdown. Samoa Joe will get his shot against Kurt Angle for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. And the other main event will be 4 on 4 Lethal Lockdown (think WCW's War Games Match, except in one cage and with weapons) match. Christian Cage will lead a team against Tomko. They each have two weeks to pick their three teammates. And here they are now. Christian talks shit and goads Tomko into attacking, which he does. Cage ducks and lays in the shots until AJ lays him out and the double team ensues. Nash hits the ring remarkably quickly, as fast as knees that are held together by paper clips and crusty refried beans can carry him. The heels still get away in plenty of time though.

Karen is coming in the back door. There's a joke in there somewhere. Anyway, she is gonna address Kurt after his match with Kaz in front of everyone.

Scott Steiner is barely intelligible and Petey whines, just like every other interview segment they have. Petey tries to get the X-Division title briefcase to no avail. Well, at least Steiner didn't come off as belligerently retarded this week. Of course he didn't reference my rant this week either (his saying that Sonjay Dutt needed Hair Club for Men can be traced back to me mentioning his thinning hair in these very pages a time or two). Break even I guess.

Some guy from Survivor is in the house. This won't end well.

“Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan vs. Curry Man

Petey poses and Curry dances. It's... what they do. Curry gets the advantage, but gets sent out. Pete slingshots out and 'Ranas Curry out of his mask. Hey, it's Christopher Daniels! Surprise! Okay, that didn't really happen, but it would've been awesome. Right? No? Okay... Back in and a Lungblower gets two. Backbreaker/Neckbreaker clumsy combo for another near fall by Short, Muscley, and Canadian. Snapmare into chinlock, but with a variation, yes. Petey has Curry's left (I think) arm immobilized behind his left leg. Nifty. Curry breaks out with elbows but gets drop toe holded down and drop kicked in the back. I'll ignore how weak the dropkick into the downed guys back looks, considering it connected with kidneys. Both guys jockey for position now, countering this and that. Curry Man scores a nice dropkick. Hot & spicy comeback that tastes great. Running butt attack in the corner. Rhaka interferes to prevent Petey from getting pinned off a crossbody from the top. Curry goes to say Japanese wrestling legend names at her. He dodges Petey, but Petey stops himself before he runs into Khan. Curry pushes him into her though, catching him MLM with a bridged suplex that wins it for the dancing fool with a delicious curry treat on his head.

Winner: Curry Man. Everybody dance!

Steiner is out to initiate with handcuffs and a hood. Uhh...

Cornette knows Cage wants Tomko and Styles and he'll get them in a tag match tonight.
Team 3D is here and not fired apparently. Ray says Cornette should commit suicide. NOT EVER funny dude. Cornette asks if he has a gun. Jesus dude. He talks shit and says if anybody gets in their way, they'll kill 'em. Because that has worked out so well so far. Steiner's? Still kickin' (probably really fucking stiffly in Rick's case). X-Division? Well, it's still alive anyway. But they were severely injured before. That's like kicking the stuffing out of Sean or when he's drunk off his ass. Big whoop, and you look like a total assclown when you fail. He also calls Shark Boy a jobber with an identity crisis that wears a fish costume and thinks he's a bald asskicker (more true than funny really) and Cornette a washed up old manager. Hell fucking no!

Cornette muses about being on a farm far away. Can ya blame him?

Samoa Joe video. And another brilliant one. 2 for 2. And here is the man himself, in a suit. No Fidel Castro hat and shorts this week. Hmm, he cleans up pretty nice, I must admit. He says he's getting something he's wanted ever since he arrived three years ago. A fair shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. He wants to thank some people. He thanks Kevin Nash, who taught him how to play the game. He also thanks the fans. They are the reason he's here. He says some people said he wasn't right for TV. But the fans said “Joe's gonna kill you!”. Damn straight, skippy. What? If Tenay and West can talk over promos, so can I. That his style wasn't right. But the fans wouldn't except that. He'll do everything and anything to win, and if he doesn't, he'll quit TNA. The people want a new champion, they want Joe. He promises that. Amazing promo. Just awesome.

Cage goes to talk to Rhino about teaming up. No sale! Continuity gets the duke.

The Job Monsters (Rellik and Black Reign) vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin)

The monsters attack attack from. Rellik beats up Shelley in the ring while Reign takes out Sabin on the outside. Is that berries I smell? Shelley fights back, but Reign attacks from behind. That double team slingshot wheelbarrow slam thing puts down Shelley. BRB.

Shelley continues to get shelled. Sabin gets kicked off the apron. It's looking like a total squish. Gorilla press and Shelley escapes. DDT/Flatliner combination on the Job Monsters. Sabin hits a missile dropkick on somebody and goes crazy for a couple minutes. Running hip attacks and flying forearms and all that good stuff. Double superkick on Rellik. Shelley charges Reign and gets dropped to the floor. Sabin eats Lariat from Hell for the loss. Yep, berries.

Winner: Rellik, Black Reign, and unjust burials

Black Reign calls out Eric Young. Super Eric is out and doesn't even flinch at his pyro. He takes the fight to the monsters and cleans house. Groovy.

AJ and Karen. They meet.

Karen goes and Tomko bitches at AJ because he mentioned Karen.

Non-Title Match- Kaz vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion of the World Kurt Angle

Karen looks on from just behind the vortex. C-o-m-m-e-r-c-i-a-l. What's that spell? Waste of time!

ESPN Fantasy Baseball... that reminds me, I think I still have a free money league that I can play in. Cool beams.

Back and Kaz rocks Angle's arm, but the bald guy fights back. Kick combination by Kaz. The champ belly to belly suplexes Kaz to the floor. Kinda... it wasn't pretty. Suplex and Angle is on the attack. Rolling Germans and Kaz flips out of the third one. Double clothesline and both men are down. Kaz runs wild and connects with the ever underrated flying forearm. Slingshot DDT gets a damn close fall. Angle knees Kaz' guts and goes for the finish right here, but Kaz-aam arm drags out of the Angle Slam. The best Bicycle Kick I have ever seen gets a very near fall. Wave of the Future gets another near fall. Kaz goes high rent but gets knocked. He runs back up for a second rope (because he slipped) Flux Capacitor gets another VERRRRRRRRRRY close fall. That may have actually been a three count. Kaz tries another Wave of the Future but Angle reverses and Locks onto the Ankle and grapevines. Kaz tries to fight out of it but has to tap.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Angle says he's a winner and the best ever. He says Joe better go home and train his ass off.

Karen says she wants a separation. Kurt says it's a great idea, so he can fully concentrate on Samoa Joe. Shell thoroughly bombed.

Rough Cut Part 2.
BG was fired from WWE because of drug use. BG was happy where he was and feels that his reunion with Kippy was forced on him. He didn't necessarily want the pressure of trying to capture the magic with Kip twice.
Kip jumped at the chance to join TNA when he was finished with the 'E and was thrilled with the idea of teaming up with BG again, but felt like BG wasn't necessarily all in and thought he should've jumped at the idea with reuniting again.

Hemme looks hot, but they have another train wreck of an interview that accomplishes nothing but annoying me.

Joel Zumaya and Curtis Granderson of the Detroit Tigers are in the house. Cheese and crackers. Now I'm hungry...

Mixed Tag- Rock & Rave Infection (Lance Hoyt, Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme) vs. LAX (Homicide, Hernandez y Salinas)

Homicide attacks Rave and gets one off a suplex. Inverted atomic drop and back elbow to follow, but Rave gets a Jawbreaker and an STO. Hoyt is in and we go to break.

Rave is back in and eats a Homicide T-Bone. Hernandez gets the hot tag and kills some bitches. Big Man Dive on Hoyt and Rave eats a Cutter in the ring. He escapes the Gringo Killer however, and makes the tag. Salinas tags herself in to get a piece of Hemme. Jimmy Rave eats Tope Con Hilo! Don West spazzes. Salinas throws Hemme into the ring and hits Inverted DDT for two, and Hemme's boob almost pops out. The ref is distracted outside for some reason and one of her teammates sends Christy a Guitar Hero guitar to lay out Salinas and pick up the win.

Winner: Rock & Rave Infection. Might want to get that looked at if it's still infected.

Black Machismo and So Cal Val have their date in Universal Studios. Sonjay Dutt shows up with the cock block and takes Val to secret parts of the park. Winner: Destructive Love

The amateur pornstars kill Roxxi. Best double turn ever? Ehh...
On the plus side however, it did give me the hilarious mental image of Bret Hart beating up Steve Austin during a makeover attempt gone horribly wrong. And that brings me much joy.

Gail Kim says Kong better come find her, because if she doesn't, she'll never know what hit her.

Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim w/ My Eternal Love

Headlock takeover and Gail works the arm, but Velvet is game. Sky eats dropkick (amongst other things... what? Hello, pornstar...) and that wraparound clothesline thing. Lucha armdrag. You can put it on the board... YES! Velvet scores with a basement dropkick and a bulldog, but Kim dodges the Bronco Buster attempt and ouch... Velvet lands horribly bad. Gail makes her comeback with clotheslines and the maybe the worst monkey flip ever. Sketchy Air Raid Crash wins it.

Winner: Gail Kim, and the trend of losing your first match with a new gimmick and/or alignment continues.

Love gets up in Gails face and shoves her a couple times. Battle of straight up ferocious forearms. Damn!... Gail nails Angie with a Spear. Velvet is back in for double teaming but Gail escapes without too much damage...
However Kong comes up behind Gail while she jaws with the amateur pornstars. Chokebomb, but Gail fights back and takes the Konger off her feet with a spear. Fantastic. Kim lays in the punches on her ginormous adversary, but Saeed blasts her from behind with the title belt. Shortarm clothesline by Kong and she sets Gail up for the Awesome Bomb. ODB's music hits she is out with a chair in hand. Kong and Saeed back off and leave.

Nash whines about Cage not coming to him first. Regardless, they team up tonight.

Non-title Grudge Match- Christian Cage and Kevin Nash vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko and AJ Styles

Nash and Cage meet Tomko and Styles on the ramp. In the ring Styles fights back but gets caught and powerbombed. AJ gets a shot I missed and makes the tag. Powerslam by Tomko and the Cage will play Ricky Morton for a lil bit. He finally hits an Inverted DDT on his former problem solver, but gets distracted by Kurt Angle coming down to ringside. Comm-to-the-ercial.

AJ is in control on Cage, because Kurt distracted and got removed from ringside during the break. Tomko pressed him to the floor during the break too. Tomko blasts away on Cage, but he fights back. He gets caught making the leap for the tag, but scores a picture perfect Tornado DDT on Tomko. Nash is in with mighty forearms. Styles tries a sleeper or something and gets side slammed for his trouble. Tomko breaks up the pin. Styles Clash on Big Immobile?! Yeah right. That doesn't take sadly and AJ eats Jackknife Powerbomb and a frog splash in quick succesion. Tomko pulls the ref out.

Here comes Team 3D to interfere, though to no avail for awhile. Looks like these are Tomko's partners for Lethal Lockdown. Guess we know who'll be doing the job too (Devon... has Ray ever been pinned in TNA?). Finally Devon with a low blow to Cage that allows the numbers game to take over. Team 3D destroys Kev's knee by spiking it with chairs twice. Team 3D beats up that guy from Survivor, and I for one am pleased by that. Unless this dumb fool ends up in the Lethal Lockdown match. Show over!

Winner: Story Development

Yay, it didn't suck!: Remember Joe's promo at the end of the year when the year end awards come around. It's going to end up amongst the best of 2008. Curry Man won, that's always a good thing. Christy Hemme was HOT tonight.

Unrelated but to wrestling awesome, my Donruss Americana pack came today, though pro wrestling is represented in the set, with Ultimate Warrior, Stacy Kiebler, and Gail Kim(!) all appearing. Anyway, why it's good is I pulled a John Travolta jacket swatch. Epic win.

Oh, that sucked...: Motor City Machine Guns burial. Brother Ray is really fucking annoying sometimes.

Seriously? No fuckin' way!: Eric Young has found his alter ego. SUPER ERIC LIVES~!

(Dino) Sendoff: Another one in the books. No blog to link you to yet, because this week was all about Super Smash Bros. Brawl. The slowdown online is a bitch, but still, it's a damn awesome game. I still have five good characters (and Jigglypuff, the Smash Bros franchise's equivalent of Stevie Richards, except unlike Stevie, Jigglypuff is useless and hated... in other words, Stevie 4 President or something!111) left to unlock, and I haven't even started Subspace Emissary yet. I'm all giddy, but I'll get my blog up sometime in the next week. So until next time party mascot fighting game fans, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin

Bring on the pyro and ballyhoo, it's time to make an iMPACT!

Last week some shit happened. “Return Edge” is tonights super happy fun episode title of justice and magical anime girl love and ungodly terrible episode long plotline.

The Angle Alliance isn't on the same page? SHOCK~!!!!111one1

In the ring Jim Cornette w/ Big Bubba Morgan run through the Destination X card and Booker is out and his match is going to be a “Stand by Your Man Leather Strap Match”... which is a regular strap match with a bonus stipulation and semi-clever name that kind of explains it but sounds really dumb. The bonus stip is that Payton Banks and Traci Brooks will be in their respective corners, and if Booker wins, then Traci gets to whip Payton 10 times and vice to the versa if the Bob Prick wins.

Hey, speaking of pricks named Bob, Robert Roode is out to bitch and goes too far and we've got us a pull apart brawl. Joy!

The Unlikely Alliance speaks... and they are all standing the same positions as last time when Christian got all the talky time. Joe talks this week, but not for long. Third wheel Cage cuts his usual good to amazing promo (merely good this week). Finally Nash speaks, complaining briefly about having to follow Cage's greatness. Whatcha gonna do AJ Styles, when the Kevster's 17 time surgically repaired knees come down on you? Tremendous.

Elevation X at Destination X. See the 265 pound powerhouse type Rhino truly shine in his natural element 15 feet above the ring in an X-shaped scaffold match that doesn't even include a high flyer like Styles this time. Eleventy-billion stars. Winner: Sarcasm

Street Fight- “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles vs. “Big Immobile” Kevin Nash

Both guys are in street clothes, except for elbow pads, but that's okay. It's an important factor in determining your chances of victory. Styles runs into a beating. He continues getting beaten after making a wild dive at Nash's legs. To the outside where AJ doesn't fair much better and before the break gets slammed into that wall below the upper deck in the crowd.

Back and, surprise, AJ is on the attack and back in the ring now. During the break, AJ hit the flying forearm from a railing. Nash fights back and catches AJ with a side slam. Big Immobile presses the attack and favors his knee for no apparent reason. AJ hasn't touched 'em yet. AJ also gets his eyes snaked. Uhh, yeah. Nashley goes for the Jackknife and kind of gets it but his leg gives out and I still don't know why... unless he is selling the eternity-like 8 minutes of leg submissions last week (Figure 4 and Ankle Lock). Can we really give TNA that much credit? Nash is an old vet, so maybe it is him. Smells like a hidden highlight. Or maybe that's a turd, because this match is a piece of shit. Hrm... padded enough? Good. AJ finally gets to attacking the knee and leg but a few seconds later he eats a desperation chokeslam and that... is... all? What the fuck? Worst street fight ever!

Winner: Kevin Nash, but certainly not anyone who had to sit through it. Utter garbage.

Black Reign those monsters Kaz showed EY last were fake, but says this the real thing. And watch yourself Kaz. Reign wants to eat your face. I'm trying really hard to care, but damn... Rellik can go in the ring and proved he could talk a pretty decent game after that promo he cut on Eric Young a couple weeks ago, but Dustin Reign can't even talk without making my ears bleed anymore.

Black Machismo is in Looney Tunes world again tonight. Joy. He's got business to take care of tonight throwing 29 other men over the top rope (presumably at the 1990 Royal Rumble) and after the pay-per-view he and Val have their date. SCV is excited. Why yes, I did just shorten the whole 8 letters in So Cal Val down to three. Winner: Laziness!

Payton Banks and Traci Brooks brawl in the back. 1,000,000 times better than the street fight.

Eric Young is scared to death of Black Reign and Rellik, which is Killer spelled backwards. Booker T's wife is lovely, btw. JB tells him to reach down and find his Alter Ego. Wow, that sentence came out worse than an Eric Young misinterpretation. I'm going to assume you know what I meant though. Am I assuming too much?

Destination X Battle Royal entrants are making their various ways to ringside. Winner gets a stipulation of their choosing for their Destination X match.

Devon does NOT make weight. Brother Ray doesn't make weight either. Goodbye giant chibi men.

Midcard CLUUUUUSTERFUUUUUUUUCK~!!!!!!!!1111111111 (Winner gets a stipulation of their choosing at Destination X)

Everybody fights. Sonjay is down to get donations and makes with the destructive love on Val. Homicide is out out first followed by Alex Shelley. Now Hernandez is gone with an assist from Scott Steiner, who has come out to help Petey. Fuck. Remember when these guys were looking like the baddest muthafuckas in the business? Eric Young out, with Steiner assistance again. Reign goes out at the hands of Machismo who then gets Destroyed Canadianly and tossed by his #1 Contender Petey. Petey goes out via Curry Man. Spice Rack sends Rave out. Curry Man and Rellik are the final two. Curry Man goes out but lands feet first on the downed Jimmy Rave outside and is thus not eliminated. He dances on Rave's back and goes back in and Rellik is eliminated.

Winner: Curry Man! WOOOOOOOO~!

Curry dances and bows. He gets a mic and speaks Japanese. Shark Boy is out and says nobody understands Chinese. He says if their ppv opponents lose or don't make weight, they are gone from TNA, thereby eliminating any hope of victory for his team, unless I missed something about 3D leaving or something. If they make weight it'll be a Fish Market Street Fight.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky are going to give Roxxi a makeover next week and treat her like she is a retarded puppy. Not like her randomly being weird in the background was helping... I smell a double, or perhaps triple, since the pornstars are a duo in number, turn. Sounds something to me.

First Blood Match- Tomko vs. Samoa Joe... after the commercial break!

Wild brawl by 2008 standards to start. Both guys try to hit each other with the little bell hammer and Tomko eats post and steps and a cautious Piledriver on the ramp. Clothesline from Hell. It's the goatee, sorry. It was hard though. Tomko punches away in the corner. Neck vice into chinlock (take a shot). Some shots to the head but Joe escapes to eat a big kick. Tomko sets up a chair in the corner which means he gets run head first into it. No blood though. Van Joeinator!!! But again no blood. Joe blocks the chair shot with his arm and puts the Rear Nekkid Choke on Tomko. The bell rings much to everybody's confusion and the ref declares Tomko the winner and tells the furious Samoan to check his arm, which is bleeding a little bit. NOT a screwjob West!

Winner: Tomko

Elevation X video with some testimonicles again.

Rough Cut. Kip talks standing next a monster truck. He and BG elsewhere talk about how their team came together those many years ago. He says he was more dedicated than BG athletically and wasn't as good on the mic, but never really even had a chance to talk because of BG. Ironically, he does most of the meaningful talking here. Huh...

James Mitchell tells us to never doubt him again. Mesias got rid of Abyss. He is no more. He calls Rhino, Wino. Mesias has taste for blood and will make Rhino taste his own blood or something to that effect. Another great promo from James Mitchell and his evil eyebrows. The perfect mix of over the top evil genius and deadly seriousness.

Rhino breaks the Drinky Winky World Title.

Comcast sucks.

“The War Machine” Rhino vs. Judas Mesias

Rhino starts on the attack, finally throwing Messy out. Mesias gets a little bit of offense outside but still gets pretty much dominated. Rhino eats boots on a corner charge and a weak clothesline. Russian Leg Sweep. Mesias misses a splash from the top. Gore! Gore!... Gore? Almost an extended squash.

Winner: Rhino... look out! Ooh. Super Kick knocks his arse oot.

Tonight Kong kills Salinas. :/ Gail Kim and ODB made a big mistake and committed an act of war against the Awesome one. Both shall suffer the wrath of Kong. As read by Raisha Saeed. LAX come into view. Homicide gets a little too touchy feely with Saeed and Kong goozles him and Hernandez gets up in her face and the stare down intensely. Homicide is just barely bigger than Kong.

Salinas vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

Vader Lady tries the Spinning Back Fist. Salinas ducks and scores some kicks and then gets squashed. A brief comeback of kicks fails to a Spinning Back Fist. Awesome Bomb and Salinas is dead.

Winner: KONGER in a total squash

Gail Kim is ready. If Kong gets put down, the better wrestler will make the pin. ODB is down wit' 'dat.

The big matches for Destination X are run through.

West: How will we screw these great matches up? Tune in and find out this Sunday!

DW goes through the previous matches and the stipulation of the Angle vs. Unlikely 1-on-1 matches. Winner gets a 3-2 advantage for the first 5 minutes of the match, by the way. I fail to see how Tomko's win was controversial though. Joe bleeded from his arm and lost because of it. First to bleed loses. That's how it works, giant headed goof that isn't me.

Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle

Angle with a headlock takeover, and again. Hardcore, bitches. European uppercuts. Flapjack and punches by Cagey. He eats boots on the corner charge. Angle tries to go out but getscaught and kicks Cage a few times and takes control and beats him around. Cage gets powerbombed into the, uh, Cage. West says it's like being thrown into a cheese grater. He'd know. Wait, no he wouldn't. Cage is getting killed as we head into the break.

I want some Popeye's chicken really bad.

Angle tries to go out the door but Cage stops him only to eat a knee. Suplex. Cage goes into the Cage face first twice. Ooh, Tenay gets descriptive on Cage getting knocked down and landing on the back of his head. He gets launched into the Cage face first again via catapult. Cage gets a DDT off the Angle Slam counter. Inverted DDT by Cage and he goes up top. Angle goes up to meet him and gets his head bitten. Frog Splash connects! Cage eats yet more steel but counters the Olympic Slam with an armdrag. He charges the downed Angle but spears his face into the steel. Again. Ouch. Angle looks to climb out by Cage makes it onto the ropes to stop him. Angle tries for the German really hard, but Christian keeps his grip on the cage. It backfires when he makes a desperate leap at victory. Cage with a Sky High Angle Slam from the top rope. Cage keeps him from going out the door though. Ankle Lock on Cage when he goes for the door. Cage escapes, but can't escape the Cage and Angle gets the Lock back on. More steel for Cage and it's time for some Rolling Germans. The third one is blocked and Cage just flips Angle on his face. Cage tries to climb out but Angle makes it up and catches a kick and turns it into an Ankle Lock on the top rope. That was badass. Cage rolls out and to the mat, flipping Angle down to as well. Both go for the door but Cage gets caught in the ropes, but won't let Angle out either. Angle pummels and leisurly goes to climb out while Christian untangles his leg. Angle is almost out but Cage catches him and makes it out to the outside of the cage with him. No more Christian Cage cage matches EVER please. The word cage no longer has meaning to me. They both fall to the floor and land at the about the same time.

Winner: Hebner makes the call... Christian Cage!

The Angle Alliance gets ahold of Cage and Tomko locks the cage and Christian gets obliterated, thus rendering the 5 minute advantage useless in theory. The Unlikely Alliance desperately try to save their man, but no good. Angle locks an Ankle Lock on Cage, who appears to be dead as we fade to black.

One last hard sell for Destination X. GAME SET!

Good: Curry Man FT(inconsequential)W! Exceptional main event. That Ankle Lock was badass.

Bad: Worst Street Fight EVER!

Nonsensical: Roxxi the retarded puppy and her amateur pornstar handlers!

(Dino) Sendoff: I missed the ROH pay-per- view to get this done by the deadline. Fuck! Anyway, I bought a $1 wrestling DVD featuring a Dennis Rodman/Curt Hennig main event (how awesome is that?!) at Wal-Mart, so look for that recap soon at TWF or possibly my forthcoming blog or something. Anyway, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and that my friends is what we call a tease. ;)


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).