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March 06, 2008
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March 27, 2008
TNA IMPACT
The show opens with a wild brawl between Booker T and
Robert Roode in the crowd that eventually makes it's way back to the ring where Peyton and Traci join the fray to brawl with
each other. Traci breats Peyton down, btw. The useless security finally decides to hit the ring after a bit and break it up.
They even fail to do that properly the first time, and Booker jumps back on Roode for briefly before he can duck out. Fan voting for the Awesome Kong match is underway as Tenay
and West welcome us to this LIVE edition of iMPACT!. Gah, scary party hosts. Here be Jim Cornette. He says there will be more fan interaction
tonight besides Awesome Kong vs. insert fan voted knockout here. Roode and Booker will compete mano-on-mano, but the fans
can go to the website and vote on the stipulation at the TNA website. Last Man Standing, I Quit, and First Blood are the options.
I wonder if they waited until after the announcement to put up the poll. He stares Roode down in a way that can best be described
as sadistic. Ooh, creepy. Borash is with the tag champs. AJ whines and Tomko is
loud and angry. Sounds about right. Angle gives Tomko gloves and says something about him knocking some dude out in shoot
fight in Japan, and says they better bring it in their exhibition tonight or they might get hurt. They and he tells Borash
to work out, because it might be him next week. Har dee har har. Xscape Qualifying Match- Johnny Devine w/ Team
3D and video camera vs Alex Shelley w/o Chris Sabin Fucking hell, I'm not awake or warmed up enough to do
an Alex Shelley match yet. Why they always gotta open the show with the Machine Guns? Dammit. Oh well, should be pretty good
at least. Devine gets the drop on Shelley but eats Codebreaker,
springboard jawbreaker thing, running forearm and corner clothesline in quick succession. Devine comes back but gets scisssor
headed. Team 3D interferes but the lights flicker while Shelley hits an awesome something that I couldn't make out because
Sting was playing mind games with the guys at ringside. Can't you just picture Sting by a light switch in the back giggling
maniacally as he flicks it on and of repeatedly? Well, it worked. 3D back out of dodge. Alex dives onto Devine on the floor
from the apron knee first. Fighting spirit, bitches. As if that wasn't enough he hits a suicide dive too. Awesome Kong's perspective
murder victims argue amongst themselves in the back as we hit da break. Devine gets a near fall when we come back. Apparently
Shelley was in control most of the break, if Tenay is to be believed. Devine with his nifty shit snap suplay. Shelley fights
back right quick though with clotheslines and such. Basement dropkick. That's how you do it, Team VD. Take note. Devine eats
a weak Spinebuster. Lionsault gets two. Devine misses a second rope crossbody and takes a Superkick. Shelley's Asai DDT is
averted. Rollup gets two. Devine gets dumped out. Fortunately by his camera, which he nails Shelley with when he's not looking.
Double Unbderhook Piledriver finishes the job for Devine. Winner: Johnny Devine... though he really only got in
about three moves the entire match. Sonjay nearly kills Machismo at the gym by chatting up
Val. Oh and Petey called him an amateur for the benching 400 lbs(!) beforehand. Jeez... what does that make us mere mortals
then? Booker wants a First Blood Match, and dude's pissed. The Forbidden Kingdom starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li...
how can one screen hold that much awesome? Brother Ray congratulates Brother Devine and tells him
to destroy the X-Division. Ray talks shit at Sting and he maniacally giggles while messing with the lights to spook the comically
chibi-like villians. Works every time. Hey, Highlander Robbie is in the house. Uh-oh. Six Person Mixed Tag- Scott Steiner, Petey Williams,
and Rhaka Khan (Team HGH) vs. LAX (Homicide, Hernandez, y Salinas) Petey got electrocuted as punishment for winning last
week (the week before it was initiation by attempted drowning). I had a really great Captain Planet reference, but then I
remembered it was wind and not lightning and now I'm a sad panda. :( And now what are they supposed to do with Scott Steiner
(token idiot American), Tiger Mask (token Asian), soon-to-debut Consequences Creed (token Black Guy/*presumably* only English-speaking
sane person in this analogy thus de facto leader), Kevin Nash (played The Russian in the Punisher movie), and Eric Young (embodiment
of the Heart of TNA)? Put them in (probably only slightly) less stupid storylines? Maybe... Some shit I missed happens and when I look up again Steiner
and Hernandez are staring down. Eye pokery by Scooty. Scott Steiner gets a catapult/clothesline/elbow drop on knees double
team) and another double team for the future Captain Petey. Petey gets some offense that's been hard to come by lately. Scott
back in with a Belly to Belly, but he lifts Homicide up at two. Super Overhead Belly to Belly from the second rope, and Steiner
lifts him up again. Gringo Cutter to Petey. Steiner knocks Homicide into the tag and eats Slingshot Shoulderblock. Hooray!
Chokeplex in here somewhere. Petey gets Powerbombed and Khan has to make the save. Salinas jumps her to no avail, and Khan
goes and beats her up on the floor. HUUUUGE Big Man Dive from Hernandez out onto Steiner! Gringo Killer is countered and so
is the Canadian Destroyer. Homicide with a Bridging T-Bone FTW! Winners: LAX Rough Cut. Joel Zumaya is here too. Again. At least he isn't playing
Guitar Hero... I think all of Detroit can be thankful for that. Karen talks and I can't bring myself to care. I'm too
busy casting my vote for the Booker/Roode and Awesome Kong/??? matches. It was something about her separation from Kurt or
something. Whatever. Joe trains in video form and ups the badass quotient by
a bunch when he speaks via satellite. Why is he training in a satellite? Frank Trigg is here to provide insight. Tomko and AJ Styles Gainesville Vocational variant (coming
soon!) are out and here comes Angle. Nothing much happens in the first round except for one
punch that opens up Tomko. Didn't Tomko get a whole mess of shots to the face in a recent first blood match and bleed? What
gives? I'm seriously starting to doubt the reality of this sport... yeah. Anyway, nothing at all happens in round two. Just
some dodging by AJ. Round three sees Tomko take the fight to Angle but get caught in the Ankle Lock at the end of the round.
He doesn't tap though. Round four AJ annoys Kurt by squirming out of his holds and being quicker but otherwise completely
unthreatening to him. Cage, Nash, and Rhinocerosman are here to help with a
real sparring session and hit the ring. Angle leaves his guys to get pummeled and Trigg says it was wise for him to do so.
Team 3D saves the day... FOR EVIL. Beatdown ensues and as Cage (I think) is about to be set up to go through a table when... First Blood Match is officially chosen by the fans. Roode
talks shit and says he wants Booker's blood just as bad as he wants his, and Roode says at Lockdown, he'll be out for Sharmell's
blood too. Linebacker extraordinaire James Farrior is in the house. Robert Roode vs. Booker T It's a fistfight to start and Booker is in control. Back
elbow, then a Hook kick. Superkick. Roode fights back and runs into a Spinebuster. Ax Kick misses and Roode fights back again
but gets dumped on the floor. Booker goes after him as we hit the break. TNA: Cross the Line! Back just in time to see Booker gets DDT'd on the apron.
Roode sets up a chair and drop toe holds Booker onto it. No blood. Punches to the forehead. No blood. T reverses an Irish
Whip and Roode goes back first into the chair. Booker gets a hold of the chair and tosses it to Roode and goes for a Roundhouse
version of a VanDaminator. Somehow Booker lacks the subtelty that allows Rob Van Dam to hit the move EVERY... SINGLE... TIME,
and misses, allowing Roode to throw the chair in Booker's face. Still no blood. Roode with the chair and he swings and misses
and the chair rebounds off the top rope into his own face. Damn, Booker is good at making guys do that. Especially if his
wife is involved in the angle. Before that sentence could be half finished Booker has already clotheslined Roode out. Roode
fights back and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but no go. Booker catapults Roode into the post. There is blood. A little
tiny trickle of blood smaller than that of Samoa Joe's bleeding arm a few weeks ago. That is all. Pretty good match. Crappy
nearly bloodless finish. Winner:
Booker T Booker
tries to open it with some punches to the cut, but not even
that works. Damn. SILENCE
white woman! Saeed says tonight is a verrry special night.
I... forgot the rest. Probably something about it not
mattering who we voted for though. Sorry. WrestleMania 24 commercial. It's kinda
sad that Big Show/Mayweather is looking like the it might
actually be one of the highlights of the card. ODB gets
the fan vote by less than 500, despite my efforts. :P TNA Knockouts Championship Match- ODB vs.
Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed ODB
starts on the attack, the stupidly tries to slam Kong. More
proof that heroes are stupid. She did get her up though. And
then she landed on her. A beatdown ensues. Camel Clutch
applied. ODB fights back but back to the Camel Clutch.
Desperation move allows for her to . ODB Shawn Michaels' up
and throws everything she has at the Konger. Second Rope Thesz
Press gets two. Kong misses a corner charge and gets bulldog'd
for another near fall. Out of nowhere Kong wakes up and hits a
punch combo that concludes with the Spinning Back Fist, and
doesn't even let ODB hit the ground before hitting the Awesome
Bomb, and that is game. Winner:
Awesome Kong Commercial Free Main Event coming up
next. Brought to you by The Forbidden Kingdom. Thank
Jackie & Jet. I've
gotta say Lockdown's card looks way better than
WrestleMania's. Cage cuts
himself an awesome promo. Team Tomko (Team 3D and TNA Tag Team
Champions of the World AJ Styles and Tomko) vs. Team Cage
(Rhino, Christian Cage, Kevin Nash, and
Sting) Whoo,
sick shot of Tomko's busted up eye area. Cage
outmaneuvers Styles and back & forth we go until Cage hits
his second rope back elbow. AJ gets flipped onto his face and
Tomko is in and throws Cage in the corner. Nash gets in and
they lock up. Tomko with hard shots for Nash. Side slam by
Nash. Rhino Morton is in to get beat up. Double Shoulderblock
by Team 3D. Rhino gets the better of Devon but gets crotched
on the post when he ends up in heel country. Rhino gets beat
up on the floor for a Wii bit. Second rope splash by Brother
Ray gets two. Ouch, that's like 650 lbs. Rhino fights back to
no avail on Tomko. Nondescript beatdown continues! Body
scissors by Ray. Bird dunks. He punches him some while he has
the move on though. That's more like it, pale and morbidly
overweight man (not me... I'm officially legit cruiserweight
weight!). Picture perfect dropkick by Styles. Rhino needs to
make a tag badly. He dodges the Devon corner charge and lays
out Ray with a clothesline. He gets the hot tag to Sting who
kills everybody. Stinger Splashes for the big guys, and he
catches the flying AJ with a Manhattan Drop. Scorpion
Deathlock! Ray makes the save and it is clusterfuck time. Cage
and Tomko take it to the floor, and 3D beats up a couple of
old men. Scorpion Death Drop on somebody! Ray saves the bad
guys from a most humiliating defeat. Sting eats 3D-B! Nash
gets his weak looking choke slam on Ray! Tomko gets him with
his TomkoRiat! Cage scores a silky smooth Tornado DDT on
Tomko. AJ flies and takes out Cage. Stinger Press Slams AJ to
the floor onto someone. Ray gets Gore'd out of something. That
leaves Sting with only one guy in the ring. Guess who does the
job for the heels, and the first three guesses don't count.
Unless Devon was one of them... because it was him, you see. A
valiant struggle is put up, but nobody cares to help him or
yoink out the referee, so Brother Devon has no choice but to
tap. Winners:
Team Cage The good
guys stand tall and get fireworks, until James Storm lays out
Sting for reasons unknown and the bad guys stand over the
fallen heroes, and there is your first live iMPACT! How
exciting. A hot crowd, good matches, a general lack of bad
booking taint and stupid skits, and interactive fan
voting. Ooh,
Field of Dreams is on. I need a good, *manly* cry.
Bye. Yay!: 5 matches tonight,
and not a single bad one on the card. I wasn't sold on ODB,
but as of tonight, consider me sold. Sting came back and the
crowd ate it up. And it was a damn good crowd too. Booker had
his first better than average match, shitty Roode blade job
not withstanding. Much less stupidity than normal. It felt
kinda like a summer of '96 WCW Monday Nitro from Disney for
some reason. I have no idea why, but those was good times as
far as I'm concerned, so I'm down with that
feeling. Boo!: Worst blade job
ever. Way to ruin an otherwise good match Roode. The Muta
Scale has a new low point. Why the hell are Tomko and AJ
sparring with Kurt Angle? They've got their own problems to
deal with right now, especially Tomko. Team Cage and Team
Tomko fighting already, but it looks like it's going to end up
being 5-on-5. Oh, and on that note, can we have Ray do the job
JUST ONCE?! Let the superior worker (and all around less
annoying member) of the team not take the loss just once.
Minor sound glitches. Finally, there was a severe lack of
Curry Man on my television tonight. Gwahhh?!: He's
Robbie! (Dino) Sendoff: The first
of hopefully many live iMPACT!s to come has run it's course
and it was good. Also, still no blog. Oh well. Until we meet
again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been shocked
and amazed, and if I played my cards right, mildly aroused.
;)
Kip is a whiny egomaniac, and BG is a dreamer
with a life. Pretty much the gist of it. This one was about the Feast or Fired match.
The
lights go out. Still out... still out. Hurry up Sting, it's only a two hour broadcast... And here he is. HUGE pop for the
Stinger and he says he's happy to be back and lets do it tonight! Tomko accepts and it's on, because TNA stupidly didn't already
sign a main event for their very first ever live episode of iMPACT!
Gail shakes her hand and tells her to get
the job done.
TNA
IMPACT
“Strange
Bedfellows” is tonights episode title. JB is outside
Cornette's office and runs through the big shit going down
tonight. Cage comes out smiling and then Cornette tells him to
add that Rhino goes one-on-one with Tomko right here
TONIGHT!!!!!!!1 Booker T
is here! There be a table with wine and glasses in the ring.
He brings (his LOVELY wife) Sharmell out. She still has a
leather strap and spanks Booker with it. Bwahahaha. He says
he's never going to put her in harm's way again. Roode is out
be a jerk. And so is Cornette, because Sharmell not only
showed up unannounced at the pay-per-view, but whipped the
tatas outta everybody, most importantly himself, so the man
with the golden tongue is gonna put Booker and Roode in the
cage at Hard Justice, but he's also gonna put Payton and
Sharmell in there too, because lightly whipping Jim Cornette
with a leather strap is something you just don't do. Booker
goes psycho spazzinoid and flips the table, sending most
likely cheap (hell, this is TNA, I'm surprised it wasn't
boxed) wine and glasses flying. This prompts Cornette to come
back and put him in a match against AJ Styles later tonight,
because Cornette likes his Boone's Farm more than Karen Angle
and you don't send IT flying either. Or something. I dunno,
I'm pretty out of it right now. Backstage
AJ spazzes out about facing Booker and here's Team 3D to
sexually harass Crystal and say they've got AJ's back and tell
Booker to beware. Eric says
he's glad Super Eric was in the building to save the day at
Destination X and says he'll be fine as long as Black Reign
and Rellik don't show up. Dear god, you stupid fucking dumbass
idiot. Why not just go to the monsters and beg them to show
up, you impish dolt!? HGH (“Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams
and “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan) vs. Kaz and
Eric Young Eric
nearly dies from pyro and Rellik is killer spelled backwards
is officially dead after the smarmy way even froggier and more
abrasively voiced than usual Don West said it. When the
special behind the scenes cameras were rolling last week Scott
was trying to drown Petey. Initiation my ass, lets call it
what it really is. Legalized torture. Of course, this being
wrestling, attempted murder with a rental car or other mode of
transportation is allowed, so what's a little torture amongst
tag team partners? I stand corrected. Thanks self. :) Kaz
peppers Petey with armdrags and EY continues to work the arm.
Hiptoss and bodyslam put him down again and Steiner is in to
show him how it's done. How to be extremely cranky and less
intelligent than Peter Griffin. EY gets out of dodge and Kaz
comes in and hits some kicks and runs into an overhead belly
to belly. SteinerLine and elbow drop and pushups. Wonder if
he'd get a pinfall outta that if he didn't compulsively start
doing pushups. Beautifully sold Lungblower and Petey goes
Octopus abdominal stretch thing into a sunset flip. Kaz rolls
through and dropkicks Petey's basement. EY gets the stupid tag
and goes to town for some milk and bread. What? Death Valley
Driver gets two. Candian Destroyer awesomely countered by Kaz
with a reverse piledriver thingy. I approve. Kaz gets removed
from the equation on the outside and EY is up top for some
probably insane flippy shit that you wouldn't think he could
do like his freaky strength and Lionsaults and shit, but the
Job Monsters are here to soil the good times. Dustin Rhodes
bloated remnants in facepaint says evil always prevails
because he's never seen a Disney movie before. Yeah, lets go
with that. Steiner is up to meet the frozen in fear nincompoop
and hits his second rope Somoan Drop/Angle Slam that makes EY
dead. Winners:
Scott Steiner and Petey Williams Scott is
upset about having to be the workhorse of his team at his age
and so Petey gets lead away in cuffs and and a bag over his
head again. Iron Mike
has a sitdown interview with Christian and Rhino, and Cage
better not be using him to fuck wit' Rhino. Rhino
says his daughter saw Uncle Christian beating the hell out of
him and his wife had to lie to his daughter and say they were
just playing and found that whole thing really disturbing and
sickening, so he walks off the set. Tomko vs. Rhino Tomko
talks shit and gets the shit blasted out him. Tomko with a
hard Irish Whip into the corner that levels Rhino, but The War
Machine fights back... then runs into a rather large boot.
Weak back elbow knocks Rhino back, but he ducks and
clothesline's Tomko out. Back and
Rhino is escaping a chinlock or something and hits a flying
clothesline, shoulderblock in the corner and a belly to belly
suplex. Here comes AJ Styles out of nowhere with a flying
forearm behind the Hebner's back that levels Rhino. Decap
clothesline ends him for this match. So much for being a “War
Machine”. Winner:
Tomko But wait.
Some people in the front row are pointing down where AJ went
to hide under the ring get Hebner's attention and he lifts the
curtain to find AJ chillin'. AJ vehemently denies any
wrong-doing and sez he was just there chillin'. Tomko starts
yelling and Hebner is finally about to change the ruling but
Tomko and AJ beat the hell out of Rhino, causing easily
distracted referee trope to kick in and thus we will never
know if there is an official ruling or not. Cage makes the
save and Team Cage they stand tall near the end. Cage extends
his hand and Rhino slowly takes it and they are instantly
magically on the same page and face down the tag champs.
However, Team 3D attacks from behind until Nash is out with a
chair to chase the bad men away, but not do any harm, because
knees held together by paper clips and old, crusty refried
beans can only carry 320 lbs so fast. Rhino
will pull double duty apparently tonight because he and Cage
will take on Team 3D in the main event. So says vindicative
onscreen authority figure Jim Cornette. Machismo
and Val are on a date at restaurant out of his price range.
Sonjay Dutt brings their water and says he works here as a
waiter when he isn't wrestling, to make a little extra income
for the cause of love that destroys lives and tag teams. He
chats up Val while Macho Jay begs him for a
discount. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt vs. Homicide w/
Hernandez y Salinas Dutt
scores a swank armdrag and chats up Val and does it again then
gets beat up. Bridging T-Bone gets by Homicide gets two. Snap
suplex for another near fall. Dutt comes back with his seesaw
kick in the corner goes for a springboard and falls on his
face and holds his knee and sells it too hard for it to be
real, but tries to continue, eventually luring Homicide in for
the pin. Winner:
“The Guru” Sonjay Dutt Sonjay
dances around very pleased with himself, much to Val's
amusement. He goes and shrugs it off and hugs the LAX boys and
eats a hard shot from Homicide, who throws him between
Hernandez' legs. Kinky. Bordertoss kills Guru dead and they
steal the money he collected too, while Val checks up on
him. Booker is
out of his mind, and not in the funny Black Machismo Jay
Lethal way. Commercial musings: I won't be
complaining about having somewhat smallish hands anymore. Oh
wait, yes I will. Rough
Cut BG and
Kip talk about stuff. BG isn't the Road Dogg anymore and has a
life and responsibilties. He felt teaming up with Kip again
was forced on him and he wasn't comfortable with
it. Kip says
he should've been down with getting back together and he tried
to drop hints to BG to pick it up a little bit and felt he had
no other choice. BG was
oblivious to the hints dropped and thought their relationship
was better than ever and that Kip had matured as much as he
himself had. See Don
West's giant head live! “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles vs.
Booker T w/ Sharmell AJ has a
special guest tonight. It's Karen. Blah blah blah. Booker
Time! Karen and AJ talk at ringside while the former king from
up north makes his entrance. Booker
goes bananas on AJ. Bodyslam and AJ gets chopped down and
knees to the face and a running forearm in the corner. AJ
dodges and goes on offense but misses a Stinger Splash and
gets his head Superkicked off. Figuratively. Roode is out to
cause a distraction. Booker misses a high impact kick and
takes one of his own. LalalalalalalalaCOMMERCIAL. OMG WILD
WILD WEST SEASON FOUR! Styles
slingshots onto Booker on the floor. Karen ish concerned.
During the break Booker got beat up some more and Cornette and
his incompetent security got rid of the Roode. A Pele drops
Booker. Karen is pleased. Booker with a Hook Kick and a side
slam. AJ dodges the Ax Kick, even though it was much quicker
than usual and reels off another Pele. Ms. Banks attacks
Sharmell, but she pulls the strap out of hammerspace and slaps
her with it a bunch and chases her away. Meanwhile, ever ADD
addled Styles got distracted allowing Booker to roll him up
for the win. Winner:
Booker T... and the awkwardness of a 6'3” 250+ lb man rolling
up a 5'10” 200 lb man. After the
match, Karen made like something that disappears and
disappeared. Saeed has
new message from Kong. Blah blah swines blah blah blah Gail
and ODB will face The Wrath of Kong blah. Team VD (Angelina Love and Velvet Sky)
vs. ODB and Gail Kim ODB
overpowers with a shoulderblock but gets pulled down for some
stereo kip ups. I approve. Sky in after a lil tomfoolery and
she charges wildly into a drop toe hold. Gail is in with a
European uppercut and stuff. Angie assists Velvet in avoiding
a buttery smooth armdrag, than tags in to eat one of her own.
Gail scores with some more shades of Ricky Steamboat offense,
hitting a crossbody from the second rope. Lucha Arm Drag!
Sadly I've come to realize that means she's about to start
getting beat up. At least she goes out with a blaze of
awesome. As it happens Velvet interferes and gets laid out,
allowing Angelina to bicycle kick Gail out of her boots. And
only her boots sadly. Double elbow drop and Sky gets her new
signature offense with the bulldog and this week a double team
snapmare, kick in the back, basement dropkick combination.
Just as bad as last week's. Gail fights out of the inverted
stunner and scores the flying clothesline hair yank takedown
thing and gets the hot (in a skeezy kind of way) tag to ODB.
Sky also got the tag and she gets the brunt of the drinky one
running wild. X-Factor on Sky! Love gets speared by Gail and
removed from the ring. Jawbreaker by Sky only staves off
defeat briefly. Running powerslam, favourite of midsized
powerhouses with Dog somewhere (British Bulldog and Junkyard
Dog... if ya didn't know, now you know) in their names
everywhere, wins it for ODB... does the D stand for
Dog? Winners: ODB and Gail Kim Roxxi
chases Angie and, uh, Velvie away. Kurt says
there is no Karen and it's always been his and he's gonna kill
not one not two not three but four bitches tonight. Some MMA
guys put over Samoa Joe. Angle has no shoes on and is taped.
According to Tenay, Ephraim Sims is an accomplished amateur
wrestler. He gets choked into submission. The next guy, whose
name I missed, is said to be an MMA trainee. He submits to
heel hookery. Frank Siazo, who according to Tenay is a boxer,
taps to a guillotine choke. Kory Chavis, that guy that got
squashed by Mesias a few weeks ago gets punched into a bloody
heap. Kurt
tells Joe it won't matter how hard he trains and holds up his
bloody taped fist like the badass he (OCCASIONALLY)
is. Tomko
talks shit. Ray keeps trying to steal AJ's title. They call
out CurryShark and the Machine Guns. Devon gets to do the
talking and Ray does the “Oh my bruthah, testify!” Prepare
to face the consequences on April 10th. Awesome
video about Christian Cage and Rhino. Team 3D w/ Brother Devine vs. Rhino and
Christian Cage West
basically tells us that Cage set himself to save Rhino earlier
tonight. That sneaky sonuva bitch. Devon
gets the drop on Rhino but eats a shoulderblock to the gut in
the corner. Cage is in and slides out and drops Ray and scores
a back elbow from the top rope on Devon. Brother Devine, who
apparently has nothing to do right now but be an unofficial
Brother Runt for 3D, interferes and distracts Cage, allowing
Devon put things back in his favor. Rhino chases the spoony
bard until he runs into a Brother Ray clothesline. Things are
looking bad as we hit the break. Back and
Ray throws Cage in to the post. Devon misses a second rope
dive and nearly gets rolled up. Cage floats over the inverted
suplex thing and hits his inverted DDT. Rhino gets the tag and
goes Rhinoshit on the bad guys. Back body drops for both and
he double clotheslines them out of their boots. Thankfully
only their boots. Spinebuster gets two. Out goes Rhino and
Cage is set up for doomsday, but rolls victoriously into just
the right position and Rhino pushes Devon into the diving
headbutt to the nether regions. Wasssssssssap? Cage slingshots
out onto Devine for some reason and Ray eats Gore! But Ray
isn't allowed to be pinned so, Tomko yoinks out the ref for
the DQ. Winners:
Rhino and Christian Cage via DQ Team
Tomko destroys everybody... including Kevin Nash, who came
without a chair this time because good guys are idiots, even
when they have more experience than anybody else in the ring,
and CurryShark and the Machine Guns, who failed to make the
save, because they couldn't be bothered to coordinate their
attack, and as they stand tall over 7 guys, one of whom is
really tall, the lights go out and some familiar music
hits.... seeya next week right here. There's a good chance
it'll be showtime or something, folks. Yay, it
was a very good episode with lotsa good build and drama to go
with the good in-ring action (Sonjay Dutt dumbness
notwithstanding). Too bad it didn't even make it to 1.1 this
week... (Dino)
Sendoff: Ya know what, I'm just going to stop
saying what I plan on doing down here at the end. I never got
around to doing the TNA chibis, because doing the Black
Machismo one first pretty much killed my will (stupid diamond
pattern!), I never broadcast from my jtv channel anymore
(which I never even properly linked to), I haven't even
watched this $1 wrestling dvd or even asked if Sean wants it
to possibly post it, and I still have no blog. There's
probably some other things I mentioned but never did that I'm
forgetting to. Dammit! I don't even have an excuse like drugs
or a life to speak of!
FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And why
the fuck do I always end up doing some of my better work when
I say it'll be quick & dirty? On that
note, bye!
>=(
You're welcome.
Uhh...
Cage says he's reflected on what he's
done and apologizes and Rhino on his team.
Kip admits he didn't
necessarily completely carry BG, but definitely did 60% of the
work.
TNA
IMPACT
Snazzola
opening video of Destination X recappery leads us to tonight's
episode “The End of Joe?” Seriously, that was
awesome. Pyro +
Ballyhoo = Showtime Cornette
is in the ring and announces the double main event for
Lockdown. Samoa Joe will get his shot against Kurt Angle for
the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. And the other main
event will be 4 on 4 Lethal Lockdown (think WCW's War Games
Match, except in one cage and with weapons) match. Christian
Cage will lead a team against Tomko. They each have two weeks
to pick their three teammates. And here they are now.
Christian talks shit and goads Tomko into attacking, which he
does. Cage ducks and lays in the shots until AJ lays him out
and the double team ensues. Nash hits the ring remarkably
quickly, as fast as knees that are held together by paper
clips and crusty refried beans can carry him. The heels still
get away in plenty of time though. Karen is
coming in the back door. There's a joke in there somewhere.
Anyway, she is gonna address Kurt after his match with Kaz in
front of everyone. Scott
Steiner is barely intelligible and Petey whines, just like
every other interview segment they have. Petey tries to get
the X-Division title briefcase to no avail. Well, at least
Steiner didn't come off as belligerently retarded this week.
Of course he didn't reference my rant this week either (his
saying that Sonjay Dutt needed Hair Club for Men can be traced
back to me mentioning his thinning hair in these very pages a
time or two). Break even I guess. Some guy
from Survivor is in the house. This won't end well. “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams w/
Rhaka Khan vs. Curry Man Petey
poses and Curry dances. It's... what they do. Curry gets the
advantage, but gets sent out. Pete slingshots out and 'Ranas
Curry out of his mask. Hey, it's Christopher Daniels!
Surprise! Okay, that didn't really happen, but it would've
been awesome. Right? No? Okay... Back in and a Lungblower gets
two. Backbreaker/Neckbreaker clumsy combo for another near
fall by Short, Muscley, and Canadian. Snapmare into chinlock,
but with a variation, yes. Petey has Curry's left (I think)
arm immobilized behind his left leg. Nifty. Curry breaks out
with elbows but gets drop toe holded down and drop kicked in
the back. I'll ignore how weak the dropkick into the downed
guys back looks, considering it connected with kidneys. Both
guys jockey for position now, countering this and that. Curry
Man scores a nice dropkick. Hot & spicy comeback that
tastes great. Running butt attack in the corner. Rhaka
interferes to prevent Petey from getting pinned off a
crossbody from the top. Curry goes to say Japanese wrestling
legend names at her. He dodges Petey, but Petey stops himself
before he runs into Khan. Curry pushes him into her though,
catching him MLM with a bridged suplex that wins it for the
dancing fool with a delicious curry treat on his
head. Winner:
Curry Man. Everybody dance! Steiner
is out to initiate with handcuffs and a hood.
Uhh... Cornette
knows Cage wants Tomko and Styles and he'll get them in a tag
match tonight. Cornette
muses about being on a farm far away. Can ya blame
him? Samoa Joe
video. And another brilliant one. 2 for 2. And here is the man
himself, in a suit. No Fidel Castro hat and shorts this week.
Hmm, he cleans up pretty nice, I must admit. He says he's
getting something he's wanted ever since he arrived three
years ago. A fair shot at the World Heavyweight Championship.
He wants to thank some people. He thanks Kevin Nash, who
taught him how to play the game. He also thanks the fans. They
are the reason he's here. He says some people said he wasn't
right for TV. But the fans said “Joe's gonna kill you!”. Damn
straight, skippy. What? If Tenay and West can talk over
promos, so can I. That his style wasn't right. But the fans
wouldn't except that. He'll do everything and anything to win,
and if he doesn't, he'll quit TNA. The people want a new
champion, they want Joe. He promises that. Amazing promo. Just
awesome. Cage goes
to talk to Rhino about teaming up. No sale! Continuity gets
the duke. The Job Monsters (Rellik and Black Reign)
vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley and Chris
Sabin) The
monsters attack attack from. Rellik beats up Shelley in the
ring while Reign takes out Sabin on the outside. Is that
berries I smell? Shelley fights back, but Reign attacks from
behind. That double team slingshot wheelbarrow slam thing puts
down Shelley. BRB. Shelley
continues to get shelled. Sabin gets kicked off the apron.
It's looking like a total squish. Gorilla press and Shelley
escapes. DDT/Flatliner combination on the Job Monsters. Sabin
hits a missile dropkick on somebody and goes crazy for a
couple minutes. Running hip attacks and flying forearms and
all that good stuff. Double superkick on Rellik. Shelley
charges Reign and gets dropped to the floor. Sabin eats Lariat
from Hell for the loss. Yep, berries. Winner:
Rellik, Black Reign, and unjust burials Black
Reign calls out Eric Young. Super Eric is out and doesn't even
flinch at his pyro. He takes the fight to the monsters and
cleans house. Groovy. AJ and
Karen. They meet. Karen
goes and Tomko bitches at AJ because he mentioned
Karen. Non-Title Match- Kaz vs. TNA World
Heavyweight Champion of the World Kurt
Angle Karen
looks on from just behind the vortex. C-o-m-m-e-r-c-i-a-l.
What's that spell? Waste of time! ESPN
Fantasy Baseball... that reminds me, I think I still have a
free money league that I can play in. Cool beams. Back and
Kaz rocks Angle's arm, but the bald guy fights back. Kick
combination by Kaz. The champ belly to belly suplexes Kaz to
the floor. Kinda... it wasn't pretty. Suplex and Angle is on
the attack. Rolling Germans and Kaz flips out of the third
one. Double clothesline and both men are down. Kaz runs wild
and connects with the ever underrated flying forearm.
Slingshot DDT gets a damn close fall. Angle knees Kaz' guts
and goes for the finish right here, but Kaz-aam arm drags out
of the Angle Slam. The best Bicycle Kick I have ever seen gets
a very near fall. Wave of the Future gets another near fall.
Kaz goes high rent but gets knocked. He runs back up for a
second rope (because he slipped) Flux Capacitor gets another
VERRRRRRRRRRY close fall. That may have actually been a three
count. Kaz tries another Wave of the Future but Angle reverses
and Locks onto the Ankle and grapevines. Kaz tries to fight
out of it but has to tap. Winner:
Kurt Angle Angle
says he's a winner and the best ever. He says Joe better go
home and train his ass off. Karen
says she wants a separation. Kurt says it's a great idea, so
he can fully concentrate on Samoa Joe. Shell thoroughly
bombed. Rough Cut
Part 2. Hemme
looks hot, but they have another train wreck of an interview
that accomplishes nothing but annoying me. Joel
Zumaya and Curtis Granderson of the Detroit Tigers are in the
house. Cheese and crackers. Now I'm hungry... Mixed Tag- Rock & Rave Infection
(Lance Hoyt, Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme) vs. LAX (Homicide,
Hernandez y Salinas) Homicide
attacks Rave and gets one off a suplex. Inverted atomic drop
and back elbow to follow, but Rave gets a Jawbreaker and an
STO. Hoyt is in and we go to break. Rave is
back in and eats a Homicide T-Bone. Hernandez gets the hot tag
and kills some bitches. Big Man Dive on Hoyt and Rave eats a
Cutter in the ring. He escapes the Gringo Killer however, and
makes the tag. Salinas tags herself in to get a piece of
Hemme. Jimmy Rave eats Tope Con Hilo! Don West spazzes.
Salinas throws Hemme into the ring and hits Inverted DDT for
two, and Hemme's boob almost pops out. The ref is distracted
outside for some reason and one of her teammates sends Christy
a Guitar Hero guitar to lay out Salinas and pick up the
win. Winner:
Rock & Rave Infection. Might want to get that looked at if
it's still infected. Black
Machismo and So Cal Val have their date in Universal Studios.
Sonjay Dutt shows up with the cock block and takes Val to
secret parts of the park. Winner: Destructive Love The
amateur pornstars kill Roxxi. Best double turn ever? Ehh... Gail Kim
says Kong better come find her, because if she doesn't, she'll
never know what hit her. Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim
w/ My Eternal Love Headlock
takeover and Gail works the arm, but Velvet is game. Sky eats
dropkick (amongst other things... what? Hello, pornstar...)
and that wraparound clothesline thing. Lucha armdrag. You can
put it on the board... YES! Velvet scores with a basement
dropkick and a bulldog, but Kim dodges the Bronco Buster
attempt and ouch... Velvet lands horribly bad. Gail makes her
comeback with clotheslines and the maybe the worst monkey flip
ever. Sketchy Air Raid Crash wins it. Winner:
Gail Kim, and the trend of losing your first match with a new
gimmick and/or alignment continues. Love gets
up in Gails face and shoves her a couple times. Battle of
straight up ferocious forearms. Damn!... Gail nails Angie with
a Spear. Velvet is back in for double teaming but Gail escapes
without too much damage... Nash
whines about Cage not coming to him first. Regardless, they
team up tonight. Non-title Grudge Match- Christian Cage
and Kevin Nash vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko and AJ
Styles Nash and
Cage meet Tomko and Styles on the ramp. In the ring Styles
fights back but gets caught and powerbombed. AJ gets a shot I
missed and makes the tag. Powerslam by Tomko and the Cage will
play Ricky Morton for a lil bit. He finally hits an Inverted
DDT on his former problem solver, but gets distracted by Kurt
Angle coming down to ringside. Comm-to-the-ercial. AJ is in
control on Cage, because Kurt distracted and got removed from
ringside during the break. Tomko pressed him to the floor
during the break too. Tomko blasts away on Cage, but he fights
back. He gets caught making the leap for the tag, but scores a
picture perfect Tornado DDT on Tomko. Nash is in with mighty
forearms. Styles tries a sleeper or something and gets side
slammed for his trouble. Tomko breaks up the pin. Styles Clash
on Big Immobile?! Yeah right. That doesn't take sadly and AJ
eats Jackknife Powerbomb and a frog splash in quick succesion.
Tomko pulls the ref out. Here
comes Team 3D to interfere, though to no avail for awhile.
Looks like these are Tomko's partners for Lethal Lockdown.
Guess we know who'll be doing the job too (Devon... has Ray
ever been pinned in TNA?). Finally Devon with a low blow to
Cage that allows the numbers game to take over. Team 3D
destroys Kev's knee by spiking it with chairs twice. Team 3D
beats up that guy from Survivor, and I for one am pleased by
that. Unless this dumb fool ends up in the Lethal Lockdown
match. Show over! Winner:
Story Development Yay, it didn't suck!:
Remember Joe's promo at the end of the year when the year end
awards come around. It's going to end up amongst the best of
2008. Curry Man won, that's always a good thing. Christy Hemme
was HOT tonight. Unrelated
but to wrestling awesome, my Donruss Americana pack came
today, though pro wrestling is represented in the set, with
Ultimate Warrior, Stacy Kiebler, and Gail Kim(!) all
appearing. Anyway, why it's good is I pulled a John Travolta
jacket swatch. Epic win. Oh, that sucked...: Motor
City Machine Guns burial. Brother Ray is really fucking
annoying sometimes. Seriously? No fuckin'
way!: Eric Young has found his alter ego.
SUPER ERIC LIVES~! (Dino) Sendoff: Another
one in the books. No blog to link you to yet, because this
week was all about Super Smash Bros. Brawl. The slowdown
online is a bitch, but still, it's a damn awesome game. I
still have five good characters (and Jigglypuff, the Smash
Bros franchise's equivalent of Stevie Richards, except unlike
Stevie, Jigglypuff is useless and hated... in other words,
Stevie 4 President or something!111) left to unlock, and I
haven't even started Subspace Emissary yet. I'm all giddy, but
I'll get my blog up sometime in the next week. So until next
time party mascot fighting game fans, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley,
and you've just been
thrilled.
Team 3D is here and not
fired apparently. Ray says Cornette should commit suicide. NOT
EVER funny dude. Cornette asks if he has a gun. Jesus dude. He
talks shit and says if anybody gets in their way, they'll kill
'em. Because that has worked out so well so far. Steiner's?
Still kickin' (probably really fucking stiffly in Rick's
case). X-Division? Well, it's still alive anyway. But they
were severely injured before. That's like kicking the stuffing
out of Sean or when he's drunk off his ass. Big whoop, and you
look like a total assclown when you fail. He also calls Shark
Boy a jobber with an identity crisis that wears a fish costume
and thinks he's a bald asskicker (more true than funny really)
and Cornette a washed up old manager. Hell fucking
no!
BG was fired from WWE because
of drug use. BG was happy where he was and feels that his
reunion with Kippy was forced on him. He didn't necessarily
want the pressure of trying to capture the magic with Kip
twice.
Kip jumped at the chance to
join TNA when he was finished with the 'E and was thrilled
with the idea of teaming up with BG again, but felt like BG
wasn't necessarily all in and thought he should've jumped at
the idea with reuniting again.
On the plus side however, it did give me
the hilarious mental image of Bret Hart beating up Steve
Austin during a makeover attempt gone horribly wrong. And that
brings me much joy.
However
Kong comes up behind Gail while she jaws with the amateur
pornstars. Chokebomb, but Gail fights back and takes the
Konger off her feet with a spear. Fantastic. Kim lays in the
punches on her ginormous adversary, but Saeed blasts her from
behind with the title belt. Shortarm clothesline by Kong and
she sets Gail up for the Awesome Bomb. ODB's music hits she is
out with a chair in hand. Kong and Saeed back off and
leave.
TNA
IMPACT
Last week
some shit happened. “Return Edge” is tonights super happy fun
episode title of justice and magical anime girl love and
ungodly terrible episode long plotline. The Angle
Alliance isn't on the same page? SHOCK~!!!!111one1 In the
ring Jim Cornette w/ Big Bubba Morgan run through the
Destination X card and Booker is out and his match is going to
be a “Stand by Your Man Leather Strap Match”... which is a
regular strap match with a bonus stipulation and semi-clever
name that kind of explains it but sounds really dumb. The
bonus stip is that Payton Banks and Traci Brooks will be in
their respective corners, and if Booker wins, then Traci gets
to whip Payton 10 times and vice to the versa if the Bob Prick
wins. Hey,
speaking of pricks named Bob, Robert Roode is out to bitch and
goes too far and we've got us a pull apart brawl.
Joy! The
Unlikely Alliance speaks... and they are all standing the same
positions as last time when Christian got all the talky time.
Joe talks this week, but not for long. Third wheel Cage cuts
his usual good to amazing promo (merely good this week).
Finally Nash speaks, complaining briefly about having to
follow Cage's greatness. Whatcha gonna do AJ Styles, when the
Kevster's 17 time surgically repaired knees come down on you?
Tremendous. Elevation
X at Destination X. See the 265 pound powerhouse type Rhino
truly shine in his natural element 15 feet above the ring in
an X-shaped scaffold match that doesn't even include a high
flyer like Styles this time. Eleventy-billion stars. Winner:
Sarcasm Street Fight- “The Prince of Phenomenal”
AJ Styles vs. “Big Immobile” Kevin Nash Both guys
are in street clothes, except for elbow pads, but that's okay.
It's an important factor in determining your chances of
victory. Styles runs into a beating. He continues getting
beaten after making a wild dive at Nash's legs. To the outside
where AJ doesn't fair much better and before the break gets
slammed into that wall below the upper deck in the
crowd. Back and,
surprise, AJ is on the attack and back in the ring now. During
the break, AJ hit the flying forearm from a railing. Nash
fights back and catches AJ with a side slam. Big Immobile
presses the attack and favors his knee for no apparent reason.
AJ hasn't touched 'em yet. AJ also gets his eyes snaked. Uhh,
yeah. Nashley goes for the Jackknife and kind of gets it but
his leg gives out and I still don't know why... unless he is
selling the eternity-like 8 minutes of leg submissions last
week (Figure 4 and Ankle Lock). Can we really give TNA that
much credit? Nash is an old vet, so maybe it is him. Smells
like a hidden highlight. Or maybe that's a turd, because this
match is a piece of shit. Hrm... padded enough? Good. AJ
finally gets to attacking the knee and leg but a few seconds
later he eats a desperation chokeslam and that... is... all?
What the fuck? Worst street fight ever! Winner:
Kevin Nash, but certainly not anyone who had to sit through
it. Utter garbage. Black
Reign those monsters Kaz showed EY last were fake, but says
this the real thing. And watch yourself Kaz. Reign wants to
eat your face. I'm trying really hard to care, but damn...
Rellik can go in the ring and proved he could talk a pretty
decent game after that promo he cut on Eric Young a couple
weeks ago, but Dustin Reign can't even talk without making my
ears bleed anymore. Black
Machismo is in Looney Tunes world again tonight. Joy. He's got
business to take care of tonight throwing 29 other men over
the top rope (presumably at the 1990 Royal Rumble) and after
the pay-per-view he and Val have their date. SCV is excited.
Why yes, I did just shorten the whole 8 letters in So Cal Val
down to three. Winner: Laziness! Payton
Banks and Traci Brooks brawl in the back. 1,000,000 times
better than the street fight. Eric
Young is scared to death of Black Reign and Rellik, which is
Killer spelled backwards. Booker T's wife is lovely, btw. JB
tells him to reach down and find his Alter Ego. Wow, that
sentence came out worse than an Eric Young misinterpretation.
I'm going to assume you know what I meant though. Am I
assuming too much? Destination X Battle Royal entrants are
making their various ways to ringside. Winner gets a
stipulation of their choosing for their Destination X
match. Devon
does NOT make weight. Brother Ray doesn't make weight either.
Goodbye giant chibi men. Midcard
CLUUUUUSTERFUUUUUUUUCK~!!!!!!!!1111111111 (Winner gets a
stipulation of their choosing at Destination
X) Everybody
fights. Sonjay is down to get donations and makes with the
destructive love on Val. Homicide is out out first followed by
Alex Shelley. Now Hernandez is gone with an assist from Scott
Steiner, who has come out to help Petey. Fuck. Remember when
these guys were looking like the baddest muthafuckas in the
business? Eric Young out, with Steiner assistance again. Reign
goes out at the hands of Machismo who then gets Destroyed
Canadianly and tossed by his #1 Contender Petey. Petey goes
out via Curry Man. Spice Rack sends Rave out. Curry Man and
Rellik are the final two. Curry Man goes out but lands feet
first on the downed Jimmy Rave outside and is thus not
eliminated. He dances on Rave's back and goes back in and
Rellik is eliminated. Winner:
Curry Man! WOOOOOOOO~! Curry
dances and bows. He gets a mic and speaks Japanese. Shark Boy
is out and says nobody understands Chinese. He says if their
ppv opponents lose or don't make weight, they are gone from
TNA, thereby eliminating any hope of victory for his team,
unless I missed something about 3D leaving or something. If
they make weight it'll be a Fish Market Street
Fight. Angelina
Love and Velvet Sky are going to give Roxxi a makeover next
week and treat her like she is a retarded puppy. Not like her
randomly being weird in the background was helping... I smell
a double, or perhaps triple, since the pornstars are a duo in
number, turn. Sounds something to me. First Blood Match- Tomko vs. Samoa Joe...
after the commercial break! Wild
brawl by 2008 standards to start. Both guys try to hit each
other with the little bell hammer and Tomko eats post and
steps and a cautious Piledriver on the ramp. Clothesline from
Hell. It's the goatee, sorry. It was hard though. Tomko
punches away in the corner. Neck vice into chinlock (take a
shot). Some shots to the head but Joe escapes to eat a big
kick. Tomko sets up a chair in the corner which means he gets
run head first into it. No blood though. Van Joeinator!!! But
again no blood. Joe blocks the chair shot with his arm and
puts the Rear Nekkid Choke on Tomko. The bell rings much to
everybody's confusion and the ref declares Tomko the winner
and tells the furious Samoan to check his arm, which is
bleeding a little bit. NOT a screwjob West! Winner:
Tomko Elevation
X video with some testimonicles again. Rough
Cut. Kip talks standing next a monster truck. He and BG
elsewhere talk about how their team came together those many
years ago. He says he was more dedicated than BG athletically
and wasn't as good on the mic, but never really even had a
chance to talk because of BG. Ironically, he does most of the
meaningful talking here. Huh... James
Mitchell tells us to never doubt him again. Mesias got rid of
Abyss. He is no more. He calls Rhino, Wino. Mesias has taste
for blood and will make Rhino taste his own blood or something
to that effect. Another great promo from James Mitchell and
his evil eyebrows. The perfect mix of over the top evil genius
and deadly seriousness. Rhino
breaks the Drinky Winky World Title. Comcast
sucks. “The War Machine” Rhino vs. Judas
Mesias Rhino
starts on the attack, finally throwing Messy out. Mesias gets
a little bit of offense outside but still gets pretty much
dominated. Rhino eats boots on a corner charge and a weak
clothesline. Russian Leg Sweep. Mesias misses a splash from
the top. Gore! Gore!... Gore? Almost an extended
squash. Winner:
Rhino... look out! Ooh. Super Kick knocks his arse
oot. Tonight
Kong kills Salinas. :/ Gail Kim and ODB made a big mistake and
committed an act of war against the Awesome one. Both shall
suffer the wrath of Kong. As read by Raisha Saeed. LAX come
into view. Homicide gets a little too touchy feely with Saeed
and Kong goozles him and Hernandez gets up in her face and the
stare down intensely. Homicide is just barely bigger than
Kong. Salinas vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha
Saeed Vader
Lady tries the Spinning Back Fist. Salinas ducks and scores
some kicks and then gets squashed. A brief comeback of kicks
fails to a Spinning Back Fist. Awesome Bomb and Salinas is
dead. Winner:
KONGER in a total squash Gail Kim
is ready. If Kong gets put down, the better wrestler will make
the pin. ODB is down wit' 'dat. The big
matches for Destination X are run through. West: How
will we screw these great matches up? Tune in and find out
this Sunday! DW goes
through the previous matches and the stipulation of the Angle
vs. Unlikely 1-on-1 matches. Winner gets a 3-2 advantage for
the first 5 minutes of the match, by the way. I fail to see
how Tomko's win was controversial though. Joe bleeded from his
arm and lost because of it. First to bleed loses. That's how
it works, giant headed goof that isn't me. Christian Cage vs. Kurt
Angle Angle
with a headlock takeover, and again. Hardcore, bitches.
European uppercuts. Flapjack and punches by Cagey. He eats
boots on the corner charge. Angle tries to go out but
getscaught and kicks Cage a few times and takes control and
beats him around. Cage gets powerbombed into the, uh, Cage.
West says it's like being thrown into a cheese grater. He'd
know. Wait, no he wouldn't. Cage is getting killed as we head
into the break. I want
some Popeye's chicken really bad. Angle
tries to go out the door but Cage stops him only to eat a
knee. Suplex. Cage goes into the Cage face first twice. Ooh,
Tenay gets descriptive on Cage getting knocked down and
landing on the back of his head. He gets launched into the
Cage face first again via catapult. Cage gets a DDT off the
Angle Slam counter. Inverted DDT by Cage and he goes up top.
Angle goes up to meet him and gets his head bitten. Frog
Splash connects! Cage eats yet more steel but counters the
Olympic Slam with an armdrag. He charges the downed Angle but
spears his face into the steel. Again. Ouch. Angle looks to
climb out by Cage makes it onto the ropes to stop him. Angle
tries for the German really hard, but Christian keeps his grip
on the cage. It backfires when he makes a desperate leap at
victory. Cage with a Sky High Angle Slam from the top rope.
Cage keeps him from going out the door though. Ankle Lock on
Cage when he goes for the door. Cage escapes, but can't escape
the Cage and Angle gets the Lock back on. More steel for Cage
and it's time for some Rolling Germans. The third one is
blocked and Cage just flips Angle on his face. Cage tries to
climb out but Angle makes it up and catches a kick and turns
it into an Ankle Lock on the top rope. That was badass. Cage
rolls out and to the mat, flipping Angle down to as well. Both
go for the door but Cage gets caught in the ropes, but won't
let Angle out either. Angle pummels and leisurly goes to climb
out while Christian untangles his leg. Angle is almost out but
Cage catches him and makes it out to the outside of the cage
with him. No more Christian Cage cage matches EVER please. The
word cage no longer has meaning to me. They both fall to the
floor and land at the about the same time. Winner:
Hebner makes the call... Christian Cage! The Angle
Alliance gets ahold of Cage and Tomko locks the cage and
Christian gets obliterated, thus rendering the 5 minute
advantage useless in theory. The Unlikely Alliance desperately
try to save their man, but no good. Angle locks an Ankle Lock
on Cage, who appears to be dead as we fade to
black. One last
hard sell for Destination X. GAME SET! Good: Curry
Man FT(inconsequential)W! Exceptional main event. That Ankle
Lock was badass. Bad: Worst
Street Fight EVER! Nonsensical: Roxxi the
retarded puppy and her amateur pornstar
handlers! (Dino)
Sendoff: I missed the ROH pay-per- view to get
this done by the deadline. Fuck! Anyway, I bought a $1
wrestling DVD featuring a Dennis Rodman/Curt Hennig main event
(how awesome is that?!) at Wal-Mart, so look for that recap
soon at TWF or possibly my forthcoming blog or something.
Anyway, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and that my friends is what
we call a tease.
;)
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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