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February 07, 2008
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February 28, 2008

TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

 

02/28/08
 
Hey, I guess I'm not fired yet, so... lets make an impact!

Recap of what happened last week. “Take My Wife... Please!” is tonight's episode title. It's all a joke! I get it, but I ain't laughing.

Karen tries to talk to Kurt and he acts like an asshole. Good god, shut up you bald headed moron.

DW and Tenay run down tonight's card.

Booker T is out and he is is all about doing things face to face. He wants Roode out there tonight in the ring to take an ass-whoopin'. Roode's music hits...

And Payton Banks is out. She says Robert isn't here yet, but he will be. Then she slaps him and tells him to hit her...
Which brings out Traci Brooks to bring the hurt to her replacement. Booker eggs her on, much to my entertainment.

Team 3D tried to lose weight last Friday to not hilarious results. (Future Me from the FUTURE: Apparently this was a willpower test for Ray's favourite... Chinese food.) Ray gets pissed that the chef knows about their weight problem and just generally complains a lot. We'll be right back.

Scott Steiner and Petey Williams have a terrible interview segment. Well, when Steiner talks anyway. Petey can talk a decent game. Steiner pretty much hates Petey but likes his heart and fire. Steiner catches me off guard with a line about Sonjay needing hair club for men. Which means somebody within TNA must've been reading this at some point in the last few weeks, because that came straight from my work. Or at least that his hairline is receding. That's mine baby (see the 1/3/08 iMPACT! Report). This is me with a feather in my cap. Or a rubber band in my facial hair if that is the wrestling equivalent. Oh, look at that, my good mood stats increased by... 20?! Sweet victory.

“Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams and Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt w/ tambourine full of “donations” and TNA X-Division Champion “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

On the way to the ring Petey poses and Steiner shows him how it's done. Dutt kisses Val respectfully this week. Reign in that destructive love, buddy.

Sonjay with the outmaneuverings and armdrags and headscissors and armdrags again. Petey fights back with a jawbreaker and spinning heel kick. Sonjay fights back and Lethal is in and takes the fight to Scotty. Machismo dives outside on Petey and favors his leg. Val checks on him until Muscley Chick scares her off.

Back and a press drop thing and a clothesline and Jay is down & out. Rhaka flings Jay into the steps. Steiner with a hard chop and belly to belly suplex. Two count and he lifts Lethal up. Petey in with a suplex but Jay gets the hot tag to The Guru. He goes bananas on PWill. Headscissors, springboard back elbow and a SPINEBUSTER?! Bird dunks! Springboard moonsault gets two but Steiner breaks it up. Dropkick and superkick to: Scott Steiner from: Jay Lethal pretending to be Macho Man. Petey sends Macho 2.0 to the floor when he goes high rent. Petey gets hold of the ref's attention and allows Steiner to get Guru with a briefcase. Canadian Destroyer does it's job and that is all.

Winners: Petey Williams and Scott Steiner

More Team 3D stupidity takes us to the break. A candy store in the park is the setting of this test of will. Ray and Devon fail, but Devine doesn't let that stand and makes them spit out the jelly beans they were chugging. Then he catches Ray and makes him spit out some jawbreakers he was trying to get away with. End segment.

Borash and Eric Young. This is gonna be stupid. Eric is spazzy nutjob. Death is in the air. Kaz makes the save and tells him that all the monsters are actors and last week he got his ass kicked by two wrestlers and he'll go back out and kick ass tonight. Hilary Clinton is a fake monster apparently. It doesn't really help too much though and Eric even confounds Kaz with Gremlins, not unlike the Animaniacs used to do back in the day. Kaz says they are all just alter egos and even EY has one in him too.

Team 3D w/ Johnny Devine weigh in time, but first the BBQ temptation test for Devon. He succeeds, I think? He didn't take the meat anyway. Now for the weigh in... Devon fails. Ray fails too. They both strip down to their boxers, of which Ray's are Looneh Tuneh, if you weeeel. They also remove the socks from their boxers. Okay, I giggled at that. Maturity isn't my strongest point. Sue me (no don't). Anyway, both guys fail again and are sent packing.

Curry Man w/ a new and even more greatester entrance ever and “Stone Cold” Shark Boy vs. NOBODY

Winners: Curry Man and Shark Boy by DQ? I had to see Brother Ray without pants for you people. So I don't really care. I already lost this round.

Karen is a crying panda, and AJ comes in to comfort her. He tells Karen they are wrestlers, they fight for a living, and sometimes the aggression crosses over into their real lives. He says Kurt still loves her. She says AJ isn't like that though and he kisses her on the forehead (everybody say AWWWWWWWWWW) and goes to talk to Kurt, whose asshole levels are reaching critical mass.

Shark Boy and Curry Man are still in the ring and Shark Boy grabs a mic while Curry dances. Commercial.

Shark Boy says he came out to whip some... bass? If you wanna see Curry Man and ol' Shark Boy kick some bass give him a shell yeah!... Whoa. Now wait just one damn minute. Substituting shell for hell is Ninja Turtles territory, Sharky. Watch your step there, Mr. Badass. He runs down famous duos that he doesn't care who they beat up. They ain't scared. Rellik's music hits and we have a duo that plays into the fear thing.

The bad guys get the drop, but Curry gets his butt charge. Sharky gets his Thesz Press and punches. Blah blah blah couldn't keep up blah. Brother Devine breaks up a pin with a kendo stick to Curry Man's back, but it doesn't put Curry away. Curry flies and lands on Ray and Devon outside. Nice. Kaz is out to eliminate Devine from the proceedings. Stunner on Black Reign wins the match.

Winners: Curry Man and Shark Boy

Team 3D comes in with the beatdown and Kaz can't get the job done. Eric Young comes out to take the fight to 3D but the monster jobbers scare him off. Kaz goes through a table at the hands of a fat guy wearing Looney Tunes boxer shorts. Still better than Vince's ass, but not nearly enough for my liking.

Oh, by the way, if you are keeping score, Rellik is is now 2 and 5 in his 7 television matches since coming to TNA. I know he has won an Explosion Match or two, but he also lost, or at least didn't win a 4way on pay-per-view. Is he a monster or a jobber TNA? It's coming time to choose. Well, actually it's well past that time, but y'all need to decide already. Oh well, at least you didn't protect him for a guy that has shown he has nothing left... this time.

Roode says he is here and there is no more running. The legend of Booker T falls. Oh snap.

BG/Kip feud video. So that's why it was called Turning Point. And now they are getting their reality show, where cameras will follow each guy 24/7. Rough Cut they call it. Lame I call it. Not a bad video though.

Bobby Roode is out. He says he's sick of being stalked and threatened by Booker. He says come out and meet him face to face. Or face to fist, the same fist that knocked out (Booker's lovely wife) Sharmell, whom he calls a skank. And...
Booker is out in a hurry and runs wild until Banks distracts and Roode gets a snap DDT. Banks goes into her purse and brings out... handcuffs. I was wondering when we were gonna see those again. It used to be a weekly occurrence when I first started. Booker is trapped on the top rope. Roode goes for his belt but...

Traci is out. She blindsides Roode and actually takes him off his feet with her tackle. She starts pounding on him and knocks away Banks when she tries to get her off of him, then goes back to it, until Payton pulls her down by the hair. Then she gets handcuffed by her replacement in Prick Named Bob Inc. on the opposite side and Payton takes off her belt. Let the whipping and chorus of boos commence. Payton whips Traci and Robert whips Booker, because punching a woman in the face wasn't enough cheap heat.

On the other side of the break we see Booker's psychotic look after being set free.

Elevation X video, with testimonials! Testimonials is wonderful.

James Storm bitches and moans and complains about being the higher flyer and major bump guy for America's Most Wanted screwing him up while Jackie tries in vain to get his head together for the ladder match and Elevation X.

Drinking Championship Ladder Match- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Eric Young w/ irrational fears

Young gets knocked down by his pyro. Storm tries to take advantage of it but EY dodges and goes beats him up on the ramp. Young sets up the ladders and baseball slides into it into the Cowboy. Storm lifts the ladder the second time and Young goes clear to the floor, where Storm drops the ladder on him. Tonight's ladders are brought to you by the color orange tonight. Yep, orange ladders. You can tell this match was impromptu because they had to go to Universal Studios Maintenance to get their ladders. Storm pulls up the mats outside the ring and goes for a suplex but gets reversed and suplexed himself onto the uncovered floor.

Young gets superkicked out of the ring. Storm lays him out with the ladder and sets it up between the guardrail and ring apron. He tries to whip young Eric into it but he slides under, so he kicks it into him. Back in and inebriation and fear of heights prevents Storm from going up the ladder before EY returns to the apron. Young tries to suplex him onto the ladder, but only gets him to the apron for a good ol' fashion attempted suplex battle. Somehow Storm ends up back in the ring from this and he superkicks Showtime, who falls onto the ladder and then to the floor. Storm still can't bring himself to climb the ladder, so Jackie comes in and tries to help and finally just climbs the other side and hands the belt to him for the anticlimactic deuce (not unlike the WWE version lol).

Winner: James Storm. Turn around! Ooh... maybe not turn around... Rhino Gores him out of his Boots! Boots! Boots! And takes the Cowboy's newly won drinking championship... huh?

AJ tries to talk sense into Kurt's shiny head, but to no avail and Angle's asshole levels can't take much more. He calls Karen a bitch and punks out AJ when he says take it back who is too stupified to react. And bastardhole is outta there to more important things and says AJ and Tomko better have his back.

Angelina Love vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

Before we get underway Roxxi predicted bad things earlier in the day for Angelina if she takes this match, though our crack(pot?) commentators surmised that though she was right about the Feast or Fired case, this may just be common sense considering the oppenent.

According to Professor of Kayfabe Mike Tenay, Raisha Saeed trained and wrestled with Awesome Kong in Japan, explaining her allegiance and providing a little bit of backstory, also setting her up to eventually wrestle in TNA herself, and be a dangerous force when that happens. I mean, what he said means she would have been on the receiving end of THAT offense, and would've had to really ratchet up her own for Kong to feel anything. Consider my disbelief suspended another match. Much appreciated Mikey. Oh yeah, the match. Typical Kong squash here. Angelina throws everything she has to start and gets nowhere and gets beat around a bit until getting a little hope with her signature moves, starting with that Hillbilly Jim trap and headkick thing off a corner charge, that jawbreaker/neckbreaker thing, knee lift, and bicycle kick, then tries to crossbody Kong, which is like catching a chair tossed to you by Rob Van Dam, punching Hulk Hogan while he hulks up, bending over in front of HHH, or turning around when you here Shawn Michaels stomping. It just won't end well. Back Fist, Implant Buster, Awesome Bomb, Game Over.

Winner: Uhh, duh

Sky tends to her fallen fellow amateur pornstar. ODB is out to talk shit and Gail attacks from behind but doesn't really get anywhere before Kong has her in position for an Awesome Bomb. ODB is down to make the save, but doesn't really get any shots to register before she is laid out with a clothesline. Now she is in Awesome Bomb position. Gail recovers and uses ODB to step-up and enzuigiri Kong's block off. Will you marry me Gail Kim? Ping pong forearms, double team dropkicks, and a double spear still don't put Kong all the way away. The have to flip her over and to the floor, which still just seems to enrage the Konger. Saeed has to hold her back.

Once that threat subsides Gail & ODB are back in each others faces. A brief shoving match is broken up by worst referee going today probably, Rudy Charles. Jeez, that was impressive though, put him in their useless security and watch them get a whole lot better as if by magic. And that'll improve the refereeing track record in TNA too.

Mike Myers in The Love Guru. I have nothing smartassy to say. It looks funny. Mike Myers being a goof in costume is a license to print money.

Non-Title Match- TNA World Heavyweight Kurt Angle w/ TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko and AJ Styles vs. Kevin Nash w/ Samoa Joe and Christian Cage

Angle is easily overpowered. West provides explanation for why champs lose non-title matches so often. It's all about motivation baby. I like it because it's plausible. Kayfabe lives! Meanwhile Kurt plays to Nash's power game and gets the shit beat out of him for it. He tries to take out the big man's legs but eats a big boot. Nash clotheslines Angle out of the ring and Joe gets in his face. It all breaks down, with Tomko and Joe brawling and Cage and Styles doing the same. Both teams' seconds and thirds get ejected from ringside. Nash indirectly does it again. Yes I'm drawing parallels to him causing everybody to get ejected by knocking Angle out there in the first place, thus ruining whatever plans they had, to the Fingerpoke of Doom's part in the demise of WCW. Deal with it. Commercial!

Nash has control but misses the corner big boot. Angle finishes taking out the leg and puts on the Figure Four. After an eternity Nash finally turns him over. Nash manages a weak chokeslam and gets forearms a side slam. Big Immobile goes for the Jackknife but Angle rolls through and Locks the Ankle. He finally escapes after another longer than average struggle. Out goes Angle and out comes his wife to try and do... something. Not exactly sure. Anyway, he pushes her down, seemingly not aware of who it was. Unless this is all evil genius ridiculously convoluted plot for no apparent reason other than some idiot booker thinks it is a good idea... nah. Anyway Karen's other husband is out. Evil referee Hebner goes out to try and shoo AJ off despite AJ only checking on his other wife. During this nonsense Nash planted Angle with a Jackknife Powerbomb. Of course there was no ref to make the count. Yeah yeah, I know, evil genius convoluted plan. Finally Nash drags himself up and yells at Evil Hebner, who pays no attention at all. Guess what happens next. No, don't waste the braincells. Lowblow! AJ, lost in a terrible terrible fanfiction, carries the bloodied Karen away, just in time for Kurt to hit the Angle Slam with Hebner available to make the pin. Which he does.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Angle celebrates as the show ends. Winner: Anticlimax

Zelda/Shiek (The Good): CurryShark won a match. One member of Team 3D > two monster jobbers apparently. Wait, yeah that is a positive in a way. Both members of 3D can still go and only Rellik of the Job Monsters has anything to offer in the six-sided ring. Sonjay Dutt got a mess of money from the crowd tonight. TNA might be turning a profit after that. Someone in TNA with a say in the writing duties reads my rants! I take it as a sign that I have made it as a smartass recapper when something of mine is stolen and used on television.

Jigglypuff (The Bad): Job Monsters Rellik and Black Reign do it again. The job, that is. Where the fuck is my weight loss comedy? Dammit, I was promised hilarious adventures in dieting, and all I get is Kaz getting put through a table by a fat guy in cartoon boxers. Before you say anything about that being hypocritical on my part, I'm not wearing boxers, I'm naked. He didn't take the pinfall, but dammit, Lethal's team lost in his first match off another HUGE win and classic showing, which basically amounts to his momentum gets stabbed in the kidney by a Latino man in neon pants in a night club. Angle alliance family drama makes me something something. And not in a good way!

Marth looks like a chick! (Nonsensical!): Hilary Clinton is a fake monster? Whew, that's a relief.

Hidden Highlight (since I'm sure I'll forget to send it in): The Drinking Championship Ladder Match was announced as being for the belt, thus indicating it is not actually a sanctioned title. Good on ya, disembodied announcer guy.

Pluggery, FTW: Catherine caricaturizes Brother Ray as a racist lunatic prone to psychotic rants. Or was that Ultimate Warrior and not a caricaturization? All that and so much more news & notes torn a new one for their idiocy in DEADFACE WALKING. Yeah! Cameron likes it RAW. Actually I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Not the show anyway. Nobody likes WWECW on SCI-FI though. No recap for you. Maybe OVW will get its spot. At least it isn't WWE-developmental anymore. Huh? Oh yes, pluggery. Check out the WRESTLING ENJOYMENT INDEX, because you'll obviously be needing something to good to read to make up for reading this travesty of a recap. KNIFE-EDGED POPS brings two separate terms together. Hilarity ensues. WRESTMANIA III and X9 lead us down jabroni drive, through a pit of danger, past the devil's duplex and a trail of broken midcarder and tag team dreams, sledgehammer my heart, if you weeeeeeel. Onward through Parts Unknown and Ric Flair country, to the Orange Bowl where destiny awaits in front of thousands in attendance and millions around the world. This is the Road to WrestleMania!

Yes, I did just work harder on those few lines than WWE Creative has worked on the stories leading up to WM24.

(Dino) Sendoff: And that be that for this week. I have no idea if I still have a job or not, but hey, at least I know somebody reads my recaps. Thanks whoever wrote Scott Steiner's promo. I feel better about myself. Anyway, This has been the TNA iMPACT! Report. I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled. ;)

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN


TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

02/14/08
 
I've been really pissed off the last couple of days about some bullshit going on that I'll explain in the sendoff, so as not to kill the mood. This will be a nice escape for me though. How sad is my state of affairs that TNA iMPACT! is a pleasant escape for me with the trouble I've had putting recap to paper recently? I dunno.  On with the Pyro and ballyhoo.

Video Package of highlights from Against All Odds. “Till Death Do Us Part” is tonight's episode title.

Eric Young has to fight Rellik and he asks Jeremy Borash for help because he's scared stupid over fighting a real monster, the Angle's daughter whose name escapes me calls him a wuss for all intents and purposes and Karen says JB is too busy being her maid of honor. He giggles about that sad fact after they leave.

Mike Tenay gives us a little bit of tonight's card.

Jim Cornette is out to try to get the contract signed AGAIN, and he says there is nothing to keep it from happening this week. He has Big Bubba Morgan banned and Kurt Angle too. There is no table this week and he brought the pen. He even offers to use his back to prop up the contract while Joe signs it. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT...

... Here comes Christian Cage to bitch out Joe and get laid out. Blah blah blah complain complain complain Tomko screwed me but that's on me blah. He wants Joe's help to take out AJ and Tomko.

Joe says Cage's title chase is over and it's his turn now. But it has been a good while since he's had a real fight, so he's in. They shake and nobody is laid out. (Future Me: ... Yet.) Samoa Joseph walks off but Cornette tries to get him to sign the contract. Joe gets up in his flushed grill and says after he deals with his personal business, then maybe, just maybe, he'll deal deal with Cornette and TNA's.

To the back and Tomko says all the years of Cage saying he'd make him a star are finally over and he did himself and had Angle beat himself. He's going to be talking to Angle in a little bit.

AJ is brooding over the vowel renewal and Crystal drops the match with Cage & Joe on him. Kurt almost catches him complaining about the renewal to AJ's woman. 1,000,000 more fun than WWE programming, and really, is this any less stupid.

Video of Jay Lethal single-handedly saving the X-Division.

Team 3D vs. Curry Man w/ Best Entrance (Maybe) Ever and “Stone Cold” Shark Boy

Earl Hebner is out with the cheapest scale ever. Somehow Devon makes weight, even though it had been stated by the giant chibi Ray as being 305, a full 30 pounds over a week ago... Ray though, ehh, not so much. Not even after removing the flannel, elbow pads, and wrist tape (uhh...). Earl sends the fat one to the outside and makes this a handicap match. Only main-event faces get to beat these odds though right?... RIIIIGHT? Damn...

Shark Boy attacks and beats up Brother Devon, hitting the Thesz Press and punches, but missing the Stone Cold fist/forearm/elbow drop. I never was clear on just what that was. Standing Spinebuster and Ray beats down Sharky in the corner and blasts him down with repeated hard shots. Sharky flops around like... too easy. Ray beats up Sharky outside. Devon slams Sharklesworth, but misses a belly flop from the second rope and Sharky makes the spicy and great tasting tag. Big bodyslam by Curry and he dances on Devon when he rolls away from an elbow drop too soon. Curry sets Devon up backwards in the corner. Running hip/butt-check connects. Curry goes up top but gets the cheapass 1960s scale broke over his head by Brother Ray while the ref is distracted trying to get Sharky out of the ring. That's all she wrote. DAMMIT!!!!!!!!11111

Winner: Brother Devon. Well, it's about time he got a win. Has Ray ever even been pinned in TNA?

Booker is out in the parking waiting for Roode.

Lizards dancing to thriller. Do commercials get better? Wait, what are they shilling anyway? :/

Rellik says he is going to drill a hole in Eric Young's head and suck out his brains with a straw. Then he's gonna tear out EY's heart with his bare hand and eat it. Then he's going to take out EY's eyes and put them in his victory martini that he stirs with EY's finger that he'll bite off.

Winner: EVIL

Highlights of Barbed Wire Massacre.

Scott Steiner w/ Really Hot Muscley Chick called Rakka(?) Khan (Somebody got Stephanie McMahon's rolodex of stupid names) vs. Abyss

Steiner beating Petey Williams with shenanigans and a muscular woman video. DW put over Abyss' greatness while Abyss take forever gingerly walking to the ring. And then he walks back out and drops his mask at the vortex entrance and leaves.

Winner: WTF?!

Kimbo Slice vs. Tank Abbott... Hey, wasn't Tank Abbott a victim of a ridiculous Russo gimmick back in his WCW heat-vacuum days?

Back from the break and Scooty Steiner is still in the ring. If he won't get Crystal's name right, why should we get his right. And we're still not wrestling. Steiner is here to kick ass and bitches to the tune of having power with his two title shots locked up, and demands somebody to come out and get their ass kicked.

Petey Willians accepts the challenge.

Scott Steiner w/ Sexy Muscley Chick Rakka Khan vs. “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams

Lungblower and the bell rings. Powerbomb by Steiner. Belly to belly but Steiner lifts Petey and slaps the shit out him in the corner. Stenerline and pushups. Overhead release by Steiner. Petey fights Steiner off him on the ropes. Hurracanrana. Hesitation dropkick. Spinning heel kick. Khan crotches Petey up top. Falling Samoan Drop/Angle Slam from the second rope ends it. That was a terrible job of recapping on my part. Stupid ADD. >:(

Winner: Scott Steiner

Postmatch Steiner lifts Petey up and pats him on the back before leaving with Khan.

Winner: Sportsmanship!... From Scott Steiner?! What the fuck?

Tomko says there is strength in numbers and throws in with the Angle Alliance, as long as Angle doesn't fuck with him, and maintains badassness... Well, in theory anyway.  It partially undercuts his own man thing, but not necessarily completely. Give a few weeks though.

Christian Cage is out cold in the locker room. Ruh-to-the-roh.

JB and Karen are giddy. EY is scared stupid. Karen goes Bridezilla scares him off. And bam, giddy again. Tremendous.

Steelers Linebacker James Farrior is in the hizzouse.

Joe says knows the score and he won't be alone and brings out Kevin Nash to do battle on his side. (Future Me: But not do the job, oh hell no.)

TNA World Tag Team Champions “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles and Tomko vs. Samoa Joe and “Big Immobile” Kevin Nash

Houses are cleaned. Oh my yes. Fighting Spirit Knee in the corner by Samoa Josephy. Joe with hard shots. Chop/kick/kneedrop combo. Styles floats over a powerbomb but eats a... nonchalant back elbow. Tomko gets ping-ponged between the good guys and removed from the ring, and Styles gets flipped out onto him.

Commercial for Chunky Soups and Colin Farrell movies.

Back and a Suicide Dive by Joe gets cutoff by a Tomko forearm outside before Joe makes through the ropes. Tomko and Styles take over for a bit and Joe suddenly grows a blond mullet. AJ forearm from the top and Nash. Flying shot in the corner, but Joe fights out and levels Tomko. Tag made but the ref didn't see it and Joe gets spinebustered by T-to-the-o-to-the-m-to-the-ko. Nash is admonished but picks up Hebner and puts him down out of the way and proceeds to clean... house. I'll allow it. Big boot to Tomko and AJ springboards into a goozle and gets crotched and the squashed and choked out. While Hebner deals with that, Kurt comes down and clocks Joe. Tomko with a sketchy looking Angle Slam (it looked more like that than his move that is set up the same way) and he just pinned the de-facto #1 contender.

Winners: Tomko and AJ Styles

TNA Wrestling: Cross the Line.

Winner: Badassss taglines w/ badassss videos to get them over

Joe says what happened is an act of war and he will lead an unlikely army against the Angle Alliance. Joe will bring Nash and Christian to battle and see the Angle Alliance crushed before him and hear the lamentations of the Karen. Damn I'm awesome.

Rellik, currently residing in Salem (by way of the depths of hell or wherever he was from before) vs. Eric Young w/ fear of monsters

Pyro scares Eric and makes his chest hurt while Rellik stares into his other mask that he wears to the ring but not during the match.

EY outquicks but gets a hard boot to the face. He feeds off the adrenaline of the crowd and hits some hard shots and drops Rellik with a discus Lariatoooooooooooooo. Rellik grabs his other mask while EY celebrates and scares the shit out of him. EY gets turned inside out with a clothesline and gets pinned.

Winner: Rellik... running this badass scary monster's win/loss record to on iMPACT to... 2 and 3. Better than Jay Lethal's record as X-Division champ by 700,001%, but not quite breaking even. Shameful.

Hermie Sadler is with Reed Sorensen with the Motor City Machine Guns and Juan Pablo Montoya with LAX. Wooo NASCAR. Hermie asks the wrestlers to draw similarities between racing & wrestling, and the Machine Guns do quite nicely, to the tune of speed (in regards to the MCMG themselves), precision, and potential danger in fucking up, though with as much apathy as they could possibly muster.

NASCAR analyst Jimmy Spencer is out to do commentary in the most annoying voice this side of Mark Madden and hype the Daytona 500, because NASCAR, the #2 sport in the US of A totally needs the hype from a wrestling company with approximately 1/35th the fanbase that they have. It could be the other way around, but that doesn't make any more sense.

Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt (channeling Slash tonight, hopefully next week Rave will channel Mac Tonight by wearing a crescent moon head and sunglasses) and Christy Hemme vs. Chris Sabin w/ Alex Shelley and Reed Sorensen vs. Homicide w/ Hernandez, Salinas, y Juan Pablo Montoya

Jimmy Rave gets beat down by Sabin and Homicide and then they fight each other. Rave drops Sabin awesomely on the apron and the Barbicide Tope Con Hilo's one of them. Rave kicks Sabin in the chest to break a pin. Blahblahblah McClusterfuck. Hoyt is up on the apron with a chair but Hernandez stops him stops him and they argue. Juan Pablo Montoya grabs the chair and threatens Hoyt. Sadler tries to break them up and Hoyt shoves him down. Herandez grabs Hoyt and Montoya levels him. Rave is distracted and gets rolled up by Homicide. Jimmy Spencer approves of the chairshot. You gotta do what it takes to win. Hehe, true enough, annoying voiced NASCAR analyst.

Winner: Homicide and the Racing & Wrestling Connection is (still)born. :/

Jimmy Rave is a house of jobber! Hoyt hasn't been pinned except in singles competition since they teamed up. At least their wins (BOTH of them) saw Rave score the pinfall. With that in mind, I now think Hoyt is holding Jimmy back. Huh... whodda thunk it?

Rhino video, and he is here to talk. He says it's his own fault because he let Storm bring the alcohol back into his. He's back to kick some ass. He challenges Storm to an Elevation X Match. Really fucking loudly. INSIDE VOICE~! GORE } GORE } GORE~! Somebody <3 the environment. But then he is called Rhino. Hmm...

Awesome Kong video. ODB talks shit and Gail Kim is back (<3<3<3<3) and says she'll keep Saeed out at bay. ODB says the more the merrier and her catchphrase.

Main Event Match Knockouts Streetfight (Non-Title?! What the fuck?)- ODB vs. Aweome Kong

ODB takes the fight to Kong as she makes her entrance but gets nowhere. Beatdown ensues. She ducks a chair shot and fights back but misses a charge and ends up in the crowd to get beatdown during the commercial.

Back & forth during the break. Saeed interferes and Gail gives her the business before getting laid out by The Awesome One. ODB finally starts to roll, but gets dropped with a clothesline. Gail interferes on ODB's behalf, but miscomminicate and Kong takes advantage of that foolishness with an Implant Buster that... ends the match? ODB couldn't even take the loss on Konger's finisher. Extended squash and feud... blown... off.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Peyton tells Booker that Roode called and isn't showing up. Jim Cornette gives Booker a main event match next week against Kurt Angle and tells him that to take out his frustration on him.

Renewal of the Wedding vows. Kurt and his best man AJ Styles are out. Karen needs Midol sign. Jolly good. And AJ is a sad panda. Karen is out now with the Angle's daughter and maid of honor Jeremy Borash. I smell an AJ face turn. The preacher man shouts at the crowd that this is a wedding when they chant Angle sucks. Kurt reminds the preacher man of his accomplishments and he says I do. Karen says I do and the preacher man asks if anybody objects. Samoa Joe objects and says he and Big Immobile were gonna jump him in the parking lot but didn't want him to go through with it with dime store gold-digging skank Karen again and Squishy and Slowly hit the ring for their attack. AJ gets knocked into Karen and the preacher man gets knocked down. Joe and Nash strip Angle and beat him up the heel ramp as the still out of it preacher man, who I recognize as I think it was AJ's wrestling coach, says you may kiss the bride while AJ and Karen are standing there getting their bearings back. The lightbulb goes off in AJ's head and HE kisses the bride to a HUUUUUUUUGE roar of approval from the crowd in the iMPACT! Zone (and the collective groan of a 1.1 rating). (Future Me: or a 1.06.) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!!!!! This can only end stupidly in the long run, but seriously, has a pro wrestling wedding ever gone more fantastic than this.

Hmm, I wonder if that'd work on my no chance crush... Probably not. Commitment phobia (reasonable speculation on my part) = NO VOWS~! Many lulz though.

And that is your iMPACT! Funner than usual, but no less nonsensical, in fact probably moreso. Y'all come back now, y'here? ;P

Jim Cornette (Good): Best... professional... wrestling... wedding... EVER. Rellik vs. Eric Young has pretty good potential. Gail Kim returns to my television. That pleases me.

It could be that I've not been in a good state of mind in lieu recent events, and I needed the escape, but I had a good deal of fun with tonights episode.

Johnny Polo (Bad): TNA gets invaded by... NASCAR?!?! Lame. Abyss is sad and lacking motivation nowadays it seems. Mask is gone though. So lemme get this straight... Tomko is now the heel and Styles is the face? BLARGH~! #1 Contender to the world title gets pinned by of the tag team champs. Hmm... well, he did beat the actual champ recently, but still. Scott Steiner's #1 freak has a lame and not funny name. Curry Man losing makes me Sad Daddy Charley. :'( And what the fuck is Devon doing winning a handicap match? That is reserved for the biggest stars, and he was no higher on the totem pole than his opponents. At all. How did he even make his 275 lb weight when just last week Ray told us Devon was 305? And he fucking pinned CURRY MAN! DAMMIT!!!!!!!111111 Nobody in TNA has a finisher anymore. Everybody won with random shit.

The Wizard (Nonsensical!): Elevation X is Rhino's specialty match? The fucking hell?

(Dino) Sendoff: Thank you for allowing me into your computer via the internet. I'm dealing with some bullshit from my neighbors right now, and staring down possible eviction because I'm a soft-spoken dude like “pre-near death experience” Shark Boy and let them walk all over me and don't fight when they complain about me because all I want is to be left alone. Alas, that is apparently too much to ask, so until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and I've got to wake up my inner Stone Cold impression... or at least a really good Nick Bokwinkel or Harley Race one. Yeah, that would probably be better. Time for this asshole to verbally bitch slap and discredit some bigger assholes than himself that like to take out their shit on me. Have a good one, y'all. ;)

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN


TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

02/07/08
 
Hello and welcome to TNA iMPACT! recap. Fire Pro Wrestling Returns arrived the other day, so if my mind is elsewhere, you know why. Also, by the time this has been posted I'll have turned 23 or be just hours from it, and that quite honestly fucking sucks. That ain't helping either. Now then... on with the goofy crap known some of the world over as TNA iMPACT! Lets... get this shit over with.

Previously on iMPACT!, some random shit of wildly varying quality happened. “Friend... or Foe?” is the episode title.

Robert Roode and Ms. Banks are in the back with Borash (still neck brace variant) and Roode mocks Booker before getting serious. He says he apologized to Sharmell or something and tells us Booker secretly thanks him and ol' boy will find out why it pays to be Roode. Basically the prick named Bob at his prick named Bobby-est. He's actually starting to not be so annoying and even mildly entertaining. Good for him.

Robert Roode w/ Payton Banks vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

Booker T comes out of the crowd and beats up Roode. Sorry Jay, you're off the card.

Don West and Mike Tenay pimp the Against All Odds card since Booker gave them the free time. Guess somebody was getting squashed though, because it was only two minutes before the the knockouts got some love. And believe me, I'd like to give the knockouts some love.

Cornette and Big Bubba Matt Morgan argue and if Matt interferes in this weeks attempt to sign Joe this week he gets shit canned. Urge to care, fading...

TNA Knockouts Title Match?- Traci Brooks vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

I honestly don't know if this is a title match or not. Commercial before the match begins. ODB talks shit from the screen over one of the vortexes. Brooks chops, but get picked up and thrown by her throat. Hard chop from The Konger. Ahahaha deflated her. DW is tolerable. Traci floats over a slam attempt and throws everything she's got at The Konger. Lots of chops and forearms and a running boot to the face and a bunch of knees, but nothing doin'. Spinning backfist kills Traci dead. Implant Buster. Awesome Bomb. Good night, Traci.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Banks attacks the downed Brooks until security drags her off.

Booker chases Roode out of the building. I never get tired of the sweaty heels still in their ring gear escaping into the night in a luxury car. Just comedy fucking gold, dammit.

Scott Steiner continues to regress mentally in a segment with Maple Leaf Muscle and Jim Cornette. Both titles shots will be on the line at the PPV, winner take all. Petey poses and gets shooed away.

Black Reign/Kaz video package. Man I hope the games end tonight.

Black Reign w/ nothing vs. Kaz w/ Reign's wig and weapon

Reign attacks before the bell outside the ring and goes for a rat box on a pole, but Kaz stops him. Kaz goes for the opposite corner, but gets knocked off and lands awkwardly. Back on the other side Reign goes up to the pole but gets Powerbombed down. Reign gets his his hand in the mail box of rat traps before the break.

Experience the nonsense of TNA live!

Kaz sticks his hand in a mousetrap when we come back. During the break Kaz hit a springboard legdrop and a something else that I wasn't really paying attention to. Lame ass Pedigree. Weakass bad looking STO by Reign. *Fading in & out of consciousness...* We set a ratings record again. Yay? Springboard dropkick. Fight on the turnbuckle and Kaz gets dropped to the floor from up there. More traps for Reign, who gets crotched. Kaz opens the last mailbox and retrieves the rat FTW!!!!!!!111111111

Winner: Kaz

Not a bad match really, because Kaz makes retarded pole matches with out of shape and unmotivated guys look good, but it all proves pointless as the K-A-Z gets spiked in the head with Reign's weapon and Dustin Rhodes' stupid alter ego ends up with the rat anyway. It wasn't retarded for Kaz to bring the spike with him to thia match at all. Fuck you TNA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, editorializing.

Booker can't believe Roode. Sharmell told Booker to beat the living hell outta Robert Roode. No more beating himself up. And so he intends to. Roode's ass is his. 2 for 2 on good promos.

Ola.

MCMG/Lethal vs. Team 3D/Devine

X-Division Championship Match- TNA X-Division Champion Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick vs. Homicide w/ Salinas

The champ and challenger go back & forth to start it out. Devine goes up and lands in an inverted atomic drop. Tope Con Hilo and celebration with Don West. I can't help but mark out for that. Just fantastic. Devine cuts him off back inside, but can't keep control. Overhead Belly to Belly for two. Homicide misses headbutt from the top. Boot. Snap suplex gets one. Running knees to the back in the corner. Devine with another counter. T-Bone by Homicide. Corkscrew elbow. Swinging neckbreaker near fall. Senton gets two more. Cutter. All Homicide. Gringo Killa connects! Team 3D is late running down, but the ref, Chubby Howie Mandel stops his count when he sees them coming. Homicide gets beat down... Damn, what are we gonna do live if they can't even get it right weeks in advance?

Winner: I think Homicide via DQ, but I'm not quite sure. Tenay mentioned something about titles not changing hands on a DQ, so we'll go with that.

Hernandez makes the save destroys Devine with a Border Toss.

Ooh, all the crap surrounding the title video. Really freaking badass though. It's all about Greed.

Contract signing part deux. Samoa Joe is out with Nash. Joe is about to sign, but here comes Kurt and Karen. Angle talks shit. He says if Joe causes him to lose his title, he will not only break his ankle but make it so he'll never walk again.

Joe says he respects Kurt and will call the match right down the middle and they shake hands. Then Joe throws Kurt through the table and doesn't sign the contract again. Oy vey.

Frank Calliendo FTW!

Cage talks about his title shot and says he's gonna call out Tomko to find out whats up.

Jimmy Rave loves Paducah? What a train wreck of a pre-match interview. I hate the Rock & Rave Infection. >:(

Rock & Rave Infection vs. Curry Man and “Stone Cold” Shark Boy

Shark Boy goes crazy on Rave and Tenay doesn't know anything about Curry Man. Professor my ass. Rave is down and in the corner and Curry Man is in to put the boots to him and dance. Curry Man makes Hoyt look stupid but gets beat hell up. Hoyt steps on Curry's throat while Hemme screams in his ear... and they botch the spot. Hoyt almost stepped on Hemme's head. Still, he's hot, he's spicy, he's deaf... CURRY MAN~! Jawbreaker by Curry. Spicy tag to Sharky, who goes into the Austin offense with the Thesz Press and punches and elbow drop. Hoyt eats the Stingray Stunner, and Rave eats one too and walks into the Spicy Rack and Curry Man gives Shark Boy the pin.

Winners: Shark Boy and Curry Man

Clam juice celebration FTW.

BG hypes their tag team title match. I won't even try to put it into words, because I would just sully it's greatness. Awesome Promo. Look for it on Youtube or something, it's badass. Kip comes in and says he's happy for them and smiles too much. Creepy. This won't end well for the challengers.

DW and Tenay run through the card for Against All Odds. Looks pretty good to me, but this isTNA after all, so it probably won't end well. Nut bunnies.

Tomko wonders what Cage has to say and is only going to meet with him because of their history.

Tiger Mask w/ bell bottoms vs. AJ Styles w/ crown

AJ apologizes to Kurt and Karen and wants his key to the dressing room back. He loves Karen... and Kurt too. Hehe. Princess AJ chant.

Dropkick by Tiger Mask. AJ agressively works the arm. Tiger Mask flips out and hits a arm drag and then a crossbody. Styles ducks out and gets out of the way when TMIV sets up the suicide dive and pulls him outside before he can spring onto him. AJ gets whipped to the barricade but jumps it and comes back with the flying forearm off of it. AJ tries to unmask Tiger Mask and gets fairly close actually, but gets his hand bitten off. Well, he is a Tiger. After sewing his hand back on, AJ eats a kick combo and a standing moonsault for a near fall. Suicide dive by Tiger Mask. Tiger Bomb, but AJ backflips into his nifty Inverted DDT. Tiger Mask comes back and the ref gets sandwiched in the corner. Athletic Low Blow by Styles and the rarely used anymore Styles Clash wins it.

Winner: AJ Styles... I still like the bell bottoms better than the crown though. And the jacket with the flipped up collar is just right somehohow. EPIC win.

Video for Undertaker/Paul Bearer/Kane... I mean, Abyss/James Mitchell/Judas Mesias. I didn't really like that angle the first time, and it was much more competently done back then.

Cage & Tomko meet face to face in the ring. The entire world applauds Tomko stepping up and being his own man. Except the man probably. AJ already made his choice blah blah blah. He turns around and gives Tomko a free shot. Tomko thinks seriously about it, but stalks off angrily.

Lost Odyssey is pwetty.

Here comes Judas Mesias. Mike Tenay sells the Barbed Wire Massacre match by saying most of us won't like the brutality. Way to go, dipshit.

Christian Cage vs. Judas Mesias w/ James Mitchell

Mesias overpowers Cage and knocks him around. Cage makes a brief comeback but gets clotheslined back down and punished some more. Mesias charges but gets sent to the outside. Multiple attempted suplexes on the apron by Mesias to no avail. Seesaw kick by Cage. Cage gets some shots in outside and throws Mesias back in. Cage goes up but lands on his feet when Mesias moves out of the way. Cage gets press slammed to the floor and we out for break.

Hard shots outside by Mesias. Cage trades punches with Mesias but gets powerslammed and choked and the worked over in the ropes. Mesias tosses Cage around like a ragdoll and slams him down. Dropkick from the second rope by Cage. Second rope back elbow by Cage. Inverted DDT. Cage is distracted by Mitchell for a moment on his way to the top rope leaps into a cutter by Mesias. Abyss chases Mitchell off and Cage makes Mesias even Unprettier (see what I did there?) and wins clean. The hell?

Winner: Christian Cage

Abyss chases Mesias to the back.

AJ is down and attacks from behind and beats Cage senseless. He arrogantly sets up the Styles Clash and Christian turns it into a Texas Cloverleaf. Angle is out and the Cage beaten senseless some more. Tomko to the rescue. Heels run away.

The last sell for Against All Odds and that is ballgame. Time for Pros vs. Joes.

Dory Funk, Jr. (The Good): BG James' promo was awesome. Curry Man + “Stone Cold” Shark Boy = Happiness. AJ and Tiger Mask had a pretty good match.

Jimmy Jack Funk (The Bad and Not Related): Pretty much everything else, especially putting two guys in two different main event level matches at the PPV in two days and having a clean finish. They don't even know when to have a dusty finish anymore. FUUUCK!!!!!!!!

Terry Funk (The Nonsensical!): It's all about greed title situation video package.

Pluggery, FTW!: Quick & Dirty Style even though there be only four things to plug- DEADFACE WALKING makes it's long-awaited return. Joe Merrick has WWECW on SCI-FI. And Cameron brings the RAW is HD from now until the end of eternity's forever. Finally, if you like your satire classic, enjoy some CLASSIC SATIRE, won't you? :)

(Dino) Sendoff: Another one in the books, and if you've checked out the wrestling newswire lately, despite all the odds, TNA continues to grow and the future actually looks promising. Major changes are taking place in the weeks and months to come, as TNA seems to actually be becoming the major player they've been touting themselves as being for the last five years. Huh, whodda thunk it? Positive Thinking > Quality Product. Think relentlessly positive bordering on delusionally arrogant people! Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and Fire Pro calls out to me. Charley!... Charley!... it says. Not really though. I'm probably just hallucinating.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).