Recap of what happened last week. “Take My Wife... Please!” is tonight's episode title. It's all a joke! I get it, but I ain't laughing.

Karen tries to talk to Kurt and he acts like an asshole. Good god, shut up you bald headed moron.

DW and Tenay run down tonight's card.

Booker T is out and he is is all about doing things face to face. He wants Roode out there tonight in the ring to take an ass-whoopin'. Roode's music hits...

And Payton Banks is out. She says Robert isn't here yet, but he will be. Then she slaps him and tells him to hit her...
Which brings out Traci Brooks to bring the hurt to her replacement. Booker eggs her on, much to my entertainment.

Team 3D tried to lose weight last Friday to not hilarious results. (Future Me from the FUTURE: Apparently this was a willpower test for Ray's favourite... Chinese food.) Ray gets pissed that the chef knows about their weight problem and just generally complains a lot. We'll be right back.

Scott Steiner and Petey Williams have a terrible interview segment. Well, when Steiner talks anyway. Petey can talk a decent game. Steiner pretty much hates Petey but likes his heart and fire. Steiner catches me off guard with a line about Sonjay needing hair club for men. Which means somebody within TNA must've been reading this at some point in the last few weeks, because that came straight from my work. Or at least that his hairline is receding. That's mine baby (see the 1/3/08 iMPACT! Report). This is me with a feather in my cap. Or a rubber band in my facial hair if that is the wrestling equivalent. Oh, look at that, my good mood stats increased by... 20?! Sweet victory.

“Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams and Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt w/ tambourine full of “donations” and TNA X-Division Champion “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

On the way to the ring Petey poses and Steiner shows him how it's done. Dutt kisses Val respectfully this week. Reign in that destructive love, buddy.

Sonjay with the outmaneuverings and armdrags and headscissors and armdrags again. Petey fights back with a jawbreaker and spinning heel kick. Sonjay fights back and Lethal is in and takes the fight to Scotty. Machismo dives outside on Petey and favors his leg. Val checks on him until Muscley Chick scares her off.

Back and a press drop thing and a clothesline and Jay is down & out. Rhaka flings Jay into the steps. Steiner with a hard chop and belly to belly suplex. Two count and he lifts Lethal up. Petey in with a suplex but Jay gets the hot tag to The Guru. He goes bananas on PWill. Headscissors, springboard back elbow and a SPINEBUSTER?! Bird dunks! Springboard moonsault gets two but Steiner breaks it up. Dropkick and superkick to: Scott Steiner from: Jay Lethal pretending to be Macho Man. Petey sends Macho 2.0 to the floor when he goes high rent. Petey gets hold of the ref's attention and allows Steiner to get Guru with a briefcase. Canadian Destroyer does it's job and that is all.

Winners: Petey Williams and Scott Steiner

More Team 3D stupidity takes us to the break. A candy store in the park is the setting of this test of will. Ray and Devon fail, but Devine doesn't let that stand and makes them spit out the jelly beans they were chugging. Then he catches Ray and makes him spit out some jawbreakers he was trying to get away with. End segment.

Borash and Eric Young. This is gonna be stupid. Eric is spazzy nutjob. Death is in the air. Kaz makes the save and tells him that all the monsters are actors and last week he got his ass kicked by two wrestlers and he'll go back out and kick ass tonight. Hilary Clinton is a fake monster apparently. It doesn't really help too much though and Eric even confounds Kaz with Gremlins, not unlike the Animaniacs used to do back in the day. Kaz says they are all just alter egos and even EY has one in him too.

Team 3D w/ Johnny Devine weigh in time, but first the BBQ temptation test for Devon. He succeeds, I think? He didn't take the meat anyway. Now for the weigh in... Devon fails. Ray fails too. They both strip down to their boxers, of which Ray's are Looneh Tuneh, if you weeeel. They also remove the socks from their boxers. Okay, I giggled at that. Maturity isn't my strongest point. Sue me (no don't). Anyway, both guys fail again and are sent packing.

Curry Man w/ a new and even more greatester entrance ever and “Stone Cold” Shark Boy vs. NOBODY

Winners: Curry Man and Shark Boy by DQ? I had to see Brother Ray without pants for you people. So I don't really care. I already lost this round.

Karen is a crying panda, and AJ comes in to comfort her. He tells Karen they are wrestlers, they fight for a living, and sometimes the aggression crosses over into their real lives. He says Kurt still loves her. She says AJ isn't like that though and he kisses her on the forehead (everybody say AWWWWWWWWWW) and goes to talk to Kurt, whose asshole levels are reaching critical mass.

Shark Boy and Curry Man are still in the ring and Shark Boy grabs a mic while Curry dances. Commercial.

Shark Boy says he came out to whip some... bass? If you wanna see Curry Man and ol' Shark Boy kick some bass give him a shell yeah!... Whoa. Now wait just one damn minute. Substituting shell for hell is Ninja Turtles territory, Sharky. Watch your step there, Mr. Badass. He runs down famous duos that he doesn't care who they beat up. They ain't scared. Rellik's music hits and we have a duo that plays into the fear thing.

The bad guys get the drop, but Curry gets his butt charge. Sharky gets his Thesz Press and punches. Blah blah blah couldn't keep up blah. Brother Devine breaks up a pin with a kendo stick to Curry Man's back, but it doesn't put Curry away. Curry flies and lands on Ray and Devon outside. Nice. Kaz is out to eliminate Devine from the proceedings. Stunner on Black Reign wins the match.

Winners: Curry Man and Shark Boy

Team 3D comes in with the beatdown and Kaz can't get the job done. Eric Young comes out to take the fight to 3D but the monster jobbers scare him off. Kaz goes through a table at the hands of a fat guy wearing Looney Tunes boxer shorts. Still better than Vince's ass, but not nearly enough for my liking.

Oh, by the way, if you are keeping score, Rellik is is now 2 and 5 in his 7 television matches since coming to TNA. I know he has won an Explosion Match or two, but he also lost, or at least didn't win a 4way on pay-per-view. Is he a monster or a jobber TNA? It's coming time to choose. Well, actually it's well past that time, but y'all need to decide already. Oh well, at least you didn't protect him for a guy that has shown he has nothing left... this time.

Roode says he is here and there is no more running. The legend of Booker T falls. Oh snap.

BG/Kip feud video. So that's why it was called Turning Point. And now they are getting their reality show, where cameras will follow each guy 24/7. Rough Cut they call it. Lame I call it. Not a bad video though.

Bobby Roode is out. He says he's sick of being stalked and threatened by Booker. He says come out and meet him face to face. Or face to fist, the same fist that knocked out (Booker's lovely wife) Sharmell, whom he calls a skank. And...
Booker is out in a hurry and runs wild until Banks distracts and Roode gets a snap DDT. Banks goes into her purse and brings out... handcuffs. I was wondering when we were gonna see those again. It used to be a weekly occurrence when I first started. Booker is trapped on the top rope. Roode goes for his belt but...

Traci is out. She blindsides Roode and actually takes him off his feet with her tackle. She starts pounding on him and knocks away Banks when she tries to get her off of him, then goes back to it, until Payton pulls her down by the hair. Then she gets handcuffed by her replacement in Prick Named Bob Inc. on the opposite side and Payton takes off her belt. Let the whipping and chorus of boos commence. Payton whips Traci and Robert whips Booker, because punching a woman in the face wasn't enough cheap heat.

On the other side of the break we see Booker's psychotic look after being set free.

Elevation X video, with testimonials! Testimonials is wonderful.

James Storm bitches and moans and complains about being the higher flyer and major bump guy for America's Most Wanted screwing him up while Jackie tries in vain to get his head together for the ladder match and Elevation X.

Drinking Championship Ladder Match- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Eric Young w/ irrational fears

Young gets knocked down by his pyro. Storm tries to take advantage of it but EY dodges and goes beats him up on the ramp. Young sets up the ladders and baseball slides into it into the Cowboy. Storm lifts the ladder the second time and Young goes clear to the floor, where Storm drops the ladder on him. Tonight's ladders are brought to you by the color orange tonight. Yep, orange ladders. You can tell this match was impromptu because they had to go to Universal Studios Maintenance to get their ladders. Storm pulls up the mats outside the ring and goes for a suplex but gets reversed and suplexed himself onto the uncovered floor.

Young gets superkicked out of the ring. Storm lays him out with the ladder and sets it up between the guardrail and ring apron. He tries to whip young Eric into it but he slides under, so he kicks it into him. Back in and inebriation and fear of heights prevents Storm from going up the ladder before EY returns to the apron. Young tries to suplex him onto the ladder, but only gets him to the apron for a good ol' fashion attempted suplex battle. Somehow Storm ends up back in the ring from this and he superkicks Showtime, who falls onto the ladder and then to the floor. Storm still can't bring himself to climb the ladder, so Jackie comes in and tries to help and finally just climbs the other side and hands the belt to him for the anticlimactic deuce (not unlike the WWE version lol).

Winner: James Storm. Turn around! Ooh... maybe not turn around... Rhino Gores him out of his Boots! Boots! Boots! And takes the Cowboy's newly won drinking championship... huh?

AJ tries to talk sense into Kurt's shiny head, but to no avail and Angle's asshole levels can't take much more. He calls Karen a bitch and punks out AJ when he says take it back who is too stupified to react. And bastardhole is outta there to more important things and says AJ and Tomko better have his back.

Angelina Love vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

Before we get underway Roxxi predicted bad things earlier in the day for Angelina if she takes this match, though our crack(pot?) commentators surmised that though she was right about the Feast or Fired case, this may just be common sense considering the oppenent.

According to Professor of Kayfabe Mike Tenay, Raisha Saeed trained and wrestled with Awesome Kong in Japan, explaining her allegiance and providing a little bit of backstory, also setting her up to eventually wrestle in TNA herself, and be a dangerous force when that happens. I mean, what he said means she would have been on the receiving end of THAT offense, and would've had to really ratchet up her own for Kong to feel anything. Consider my disbelief suspended another match. Much appreciated Mikey. Oh yeah, the match. Typical Kong squash here. Angelina throws everything she has to start and gets nowhere and gets beat around a bit until getting a little hope with her signature moves, starting with that Hillbilly Jim trap and headkick thing off a corner charge, that jawbreaker/neckbreaker thing, knee lift, and bicycle kick, then tries to crossbody Kong, which is like catching a chair tossed to you by Rob Van Dam, punching Hulk Hogan while he hulks up, bending over in front of HHH, or turning around when you here Shawn Michaels stomping. It just won't end well. Back Fist, Implant Buster, Awesome Bomb, Game Over.

Winner: Uhh, duh

Sky tends to her fallen fellow amateur pornstar. ODB is out to talk shit and Gail attacks from behind but doesn't really get anywhere before Kong has her in position for an Awesome Bomb. ODB is down to make the save, but doesn't really get any shots to register before she is laid out with a clothesline. Now she is in Awesome Bomb position. Gail recovers and uses ODB to step-up and enzuigiri Kong's block off. Will you marry me Gail Kim? Ping pong forearms, double team dropkicks, and a double spear still don't put Kong all the way away. The have to flip her over and to the floor, which still just seems to enrage the Konger. Saeed has to hold her back.

Once that threat subsides Gail & ODB are back in each others faces. A brief shoving match is broken up by worst referee going today probably, Rudy Charles. Jeez, that was impressive though, put him in their useless security and watch them get a whole lot better as if by magic. And that'll improve the refereeing track record in TNA too.

Mike Myers in The Love Guru. I have nothing smartassy to say. It looks funny. Mike Myers being a goof in costume is a license to print money.

Non-Title Match- TNA World Heavyweight Kurt Angle w/ TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko and AJ Styles vs. Kevin Nash w/ Samoa Joe and Christian Cage

Angle is easily overpowered. West provides explanation for why champs lose non-title matches so often. It's all about motivation baby. I like it because it's plausible. Kayfabe lives! Meanwhile Kurt plays to Nash's power game and gets the shit beat out of him for it. He tries to take out the big man's legs but eats a big boot. Nash clotheslines Angle out of the ring and Joe gets in his face. It all breaks down, with Tomko and Joe brawling and Cage and Styles doing the same. Both teams' seconds and thirds get ejected from ringside. Nash indirectly does it again. Yes I'm drawing parallels to him causing everybody to get ejected by knocking Angle out there in the first place, thus ruining whatever plans they had, to the Fingerpoke of Doom's part in the demise of WCW. Deal with it. Commercial!

Nash has control but misses the corner big boot. Angle finishes taking out the leg and puts on the Figure Four. After an eternity Nash finally turns him over. Nash manages a weak chokeslam and gets forearms a side slam. Big Immobile goes for the Jackknife but Angle rolls through and Locks the Ankle. He finally escapes after another longer than average struggle. Out goes Angle and out comes his wife to try and do... something. Not exactly sure. Anyway, he pushes her down, seemingly not aware of who it was. Unless this is all evil genius ridiculously convoluted plot for no apparent reason other than some idiot booker thinks it is a good idea... nah. Anyway Karen's other husband is out. Evil referee Hebner goes out to try and shoo AJ off despite AJ only checking on his other wife. During this nonsense Nash planted Angle with a Jackknife Powerbomb. Of course there was no ref to make the count. Yeah yeah, I know, evil genius convoluted plan. Finally Nash drags himself up and yells at Evil Hebner, who pays no attention at all. Guess what happens next. No, don't waste the braincells. Lowblow! AJ, lost in a terrible terrible fanfiction, carries the bloodied Karen away, just in time for Kurt to hit the Angle Slam with Hebner available to make the pin. Which he does.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Angle celebrates as the show ends. Winner: Anticlimax

Zelda/Shiek (The Good): CurryShark won a match. One member of Team 3D > two monster jobbers apparently. Wait, yeah that is a positive in a way. Both members of 3D can still go and only Rellik of the Job Monsters has anything to offer in the six-sided ring. Sonjay Dutt got a mess of money from the crowd tonight. TNA might be turning a profit after that. Someone in TNA with a say in the writing duties reads my rants! I take it as a sign that I have made it as a smartass recapper when something of mine is stolen and used on television.

Jigglypuff (The Bad): Job Monsters Rellik and Black Reign do it again. The job, that is. Where the fuck is my weight loss comedy? Dammit, I was promised hilarious adventures in dieting, and all I get is Kaz getting put through a table by a fat guy in cartoon boxers. Before you say anything about that being hypocritical on my part, I'm not wearing boxers, I'm naked. He didn't take the pinfall, but dammit, Lethal's team lost in his first match off another HUGE win and classic showing, which basically amounts to his momentum gets stabbed in the kidney by a Latino man in neon pants in a night club. Angle alliance family drama makes me something something. And not in a good way!

Marth looks like a chick! (Nonsensical!): Hilary Clinton is a fake monster? Whew, that's a relief.

Hidden Highlight (since I'm sure I'll forget to send it in): The Drinking Championship Ladder Match was announced as being for the belt, thus indicating it is not actually a sanctioned title. Good on ya, disembodied announcer guy.

Pluggery, FTW: Catherine caricaturizes Brother Ray as a racist lunatic prone to psychotic rants. Or was that Ultimate Warrior and not a caricaturization? All that and so much more news & notes torn a new one for their idiocy in DEADFACE WALKING. Yeah! Cameron likes it RAW. Actually I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Not the show anyway. Nobody likes WWECW on SCI-FI though. No recap for you. Maybe OVW will get its spot. At least it isn't WWE-developmental anymore. Huh? Oh yes, pluggery. Check out the WRESTLING ENJOYMENT INDEX, because you'll obviously be needing something to good to read to make up for reading this travesty of a recap. KNIFE-EDGED POPS brings two separate terms together. Hilarity ensues. WRESTMANIA III and X9 lead us down jabroni drive, through a pit of danger, past the devil's duplex and a trail of broken midcarder and tag team dreams, sledgehammer my heart, if you weeeeeeel. Onward through Parts Unknown and Ric Flair country, to the Orange Bowl where destiny awaits in front of thousands in attendance and millions around the world. This is the Road to WrestleMania!

Yes, I did just work harder on those few lines than WWE Creative has worked on the stories leading up to WM24.

(Dino) Sendoff: And that be that for this week. I have no idea if I still have a job or not, but hey, at least I know somebody reads my recaps. Thanks whoever wrote Scott Steiner's promo. I feel better about myself. Anyway, This has been the TNA iMPACT! Report. I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled. ;)