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January 31, 2008

TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

01/31/08
 
Hey yo. Welcome to my shitty throw crap against the wall and see what sticks recap of TNA iMPACT!, a show noted for quite possibly doing the exact same thing. I'm your squishy and oh so apathetic host, Sweet Daddy Charley, and it's showtime folks! FUUUUUUUUCK~!!!

The Angle Alliance argues to open up the show. Hey, what else is new? AJ remembers he's a three time world champion though, and gets up in Kurt's face about it when he says AJ was champ when it was just getting started. I approve of the cajones, even if it's all because he doesn't wanna be stuck between his boss and his tag team partner. He even got in Karen's face when she tried to calm him down.

Oh and Borash is wearing a neck brace for those scoring at home.

Team 3D is out to be annoy me. I pretty much tuned this out.

MCMG and Lethal are in the back dressed as the Dudleys and Johnny Devine. Team 3D and Brother Devine waste no time in heading back after them and they go onto to completely and utterly annihilate Lethal and the Guns. Ray cuts a killer badass promo. If god was a heel, he'd be in Team 3D.

Experience the nonsense of TNA LIVE!

Scott Steiner and Petey Williams are with Crystal and Steiner is a clueless dimwit putz. Crystal tells him that his X-Division Title shot will end up being useless if Lethal and the Machine Guns lose. Petey leaves Scott pissed off and confused. It's bad enough that Scott is so fucking abrasive, but the cluelessness... FUCK! Oh yeah, Scott got Crystal's name even wronger than usual and stole the Rock's line after he asked her what it was.

Rock & Rave Infection (Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme) vs. Petey Williams and Scott Steiner

Tenay asked who gave Hemme a mic. Hehe. Raves loves us Cincinatti, and Hoyt wants to autograph some tits. Petey outmaneuvers the Infection and mocks Steiner at every turn (what an asshole) until Steiner inadvertently distracts while Maple Leafy has the Steiner Recliner on Rave and Hoyt kicks his head off (figuratively). Oh yeah, somewhere his pwnage of R&RI and Scott Steiner mockery, he hit a Super Frankensteiner which was pretty awesome. Nondescript offense by the R&RI. Cool looking neckbreaker by Petey. Hot tag made to Steiner and clotheslines and back body drops and shit abound. Super Belly to Belly for Rave and a Regular T-Bone for Hoyt. Tag back into Petey continues the domination and sets up the Canadian Destroyer, but Steiner drops from the apron and takes both cases. Petey goes over and is all like wtf yo and Steiner clocks him with a briefcase. Rave hits a neckbreaker that drops Petey like a Russian Leg Sweep to end this match.

Winners: The Rock & Rave Infection

Okay, I know Scott turned on Petey and is supposed to be the bad guy, but Petey totally deserved that.

Bullet Bob trains BG and makes his son look pathetic with his own athletic superiority. Hehe.

Kip James w/ The Voodoo Queen vs. Hernandez w/ Homicide y Salinas

Hernandez overpowers but gets sent to the apron. Slingshot Shoulderblock gets two. Kip gets back on it until he turns away to celebrate. Hernandez fights back but eats a corner clothesline that downs him. Hernandez kicks Kippy away and flips up onto the ropes like a spider. Kip catches him up there but Salinas distracts and Roxxi pulling her down allows Hernandez to knock Kip down. Hernandez misses a splash from the top. Kip holds Hernandez up and Roxxi throws powdered sugar at him. At least that's what it is in my mind. I'm hungry. Anyway, shock of shockers, it misses and hits Kip, who gets clotheslined and pinned in short order.

Winner: Hernandez

Post match Kip fires Roxxi. I think the one who needs fired is Kip. Someone please tell him to “Get to steppin'” off of my TV asap.

AJ apologizes Tomko about last week and doesn't want him to go through with the match. Tomko says no way lil buckaroo, and Karen ain't into ya either. AJ says she's totally into him. Tomko says isn't the backing down type and tells AJ someday he'll get it, and leaves to get ready for his match.

Brock Lesnar video... with TESTIMONIALS~! Including one from his opponent.

Barbed Wire Massacre Video. I care little.

Squash Match- Judas Mesias w/ James Mitchell vs. Corey Something (Chavis?)

Mesias destroys the jobber some off a completely and totally and utterly unnecessary James Mitchell distraction and then launches himself onto Corey outside. Corey hits a couple punches but eats a spear. Straight to Hell ends it.

Winner: Judas Mesias

Mitchell says something but I don't really care. Something about guilt charismatic geniuses and family tragedy ending. Mesias chews on a piece of barbed wire. The hell? O.o Wow I'm really not doing a very good job tonight am I?

“Stone Cold” Shark Boy video. I can't help it. I love this. Sharky is out to make a challenge. Horrible fish puns abound. An open challenge goes unanswered so he gives referee Slick Johnson, who shall henceforth be known as pudgy Howie Mandel, a Stunner. Then he gives four security guys Stunners and celebrates with clam juice. Epic Win.

Jim Cornette and Big Bubba Matt Morgan argue and Nash stirs the shit. AJ then comes in and begs for Cornette to call off the main event. Cornette says he do something in a few minutes.

Cornette is in the ring and announces Booker and Roode in a grudge match for the pay-per-view and then brings out AJ Styles out and makes him the referee in the Tomko/Angle main event match, for shits and giggles.

Raisha Saied reads a statement from Awesome Kong. Umm, Kong's gonna kill you if you get in her way, and ODB is in her way. Basically that's what it was, except more eloquently written and spoken.

Roxxi Laveaux vs. Angelina Love vs. ODB

The Voodoo Queen comes out the VKM's music. I complain about it not making sense because she got fired 20 minutes ago, but I'm too apathetic tonight. Sue me. And besides, there are many worse problems emanating from the iMPACT! Zone to complain about. Roxxi boots Angelina and the #1 Contender and the Voodoo Queen trade pinning predicaments and mock each other. ODB gets a clothesline on Roxxie. Angie's back and gets a near fall on Roxxi. ODB with the save and then she takes that nifty inverted stunner looking thing for a two count as we head into the break. It will never win a match though, much like the Side Effect and the Whisper in the Wind. Poor Hardys.

ODB and Roxxi take turns clubbing the wannabe pornstar. Man is she ever in the wrong company for wrestling pornstars. WWE is where the wannabe pornstars wrestle. They call them divas. Ignore Shelley Martinez presence in TNA to get that point across. Where was I? Oh yeah, the match. Wicked cool Spinebuster for two by Roxxi. ODB comes back with a Running Powerslam but Angelina distracts Rudy Charles with her feminine wiles. ODB goes over to yell at him and Angelina steals the win.

Winner: Angelina Love, but she eats a post-match Running Powerslam.

AJ doesn't know what to do. What else is new? Tomko & Angle brawl.

Yeah Don West, lets revisit Sharmell. Booker T thanks us for the support from back home. Roode is out with Peyton and talks shit before his match and a commercial break.

Robert Roode, Peyton Banks, and James Storm w/ Jackie vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt, Traci Brooks, and Eric Young

EY didn't get knocked over by his pyro but appeared to have a mild heart attack. Roode starts on the attack but Dutt out quicks him until Banks yanks his ears. All Roode & Storm now. Storm with an 8 Second Ride... that didn't sound right, but it gets two and Storm chokes him with something. Dutt finally makes the tag and EY cleans house. Death Valley... umm, Neckbreaker? Odd. The pin is broken up and everybody is in the ring. Brooks gets her some Banks, but a Last Call by Storm on EY into a Payoff by Roode gets the bad guys the W.

Winners: Bobby Roode and James Storm

Booker comes out of nowhere his finest powder blue suit and beats up Roode and Storm when he tries to intervene.

Kaz is painted up as White Sunshine and has a white wig and creeps me the fuck out, especially when he changes from WS to Kaz. Also he challenges Black Reign to some stupid pole match with mouse traps or something. Gahhhhhhhhhcreepy. >:(

Contract time and Samoa Joe is out with Kevin Nash. Cornette talks up Joe and hopes that they can get past the bumps in the road they've had. Cornette doesn't have a pen and asks Nash and finally Big Bubba. Wanna get away? Morgan has a pen but throws it in Joe's face. They go to the other side of the table and stare down and Morgan punks out Joe and eats something close to a Backdrop Driver through the table. Joe rips up the contract. D'oh!

Main Event Non-Title Match- TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. One Half of the TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko (AJ Styles is Your Referee)

Tomko is way over and he rains in the punches and clotheslines Kurtle to the floor. He rams him into the gaurdrail and the steps and AJ starts a count. Back in and Tomko hits a (not really) Running Powerslam, but AJ doesn't count. Tomko lays in the rights and stomps a mudhole in Angle. Kurt yanks the big man into the turnbuckle. Release German as we go to break.

Tomko and Angle exchange fists and forearms and Tomko finally drops Kurt with lariat. AJ is slow to count, but during the break, he didn't want to count for Angle either. Tomko gets several more extremely slow near falls until Kurt hits His Slam. The straps are down. Ruh-roh. Ankle Lock applied but Tomko rolls through and knocks Angle into AJ, who gets knocked out of the ring. Tomko and Kurt clothesline each other and Christian Cage is down to waffle Angle with title while nobody is looking. AJ reluctantly and very slowly counts the pin.

Winner: Tomko

Backstage Cage says Tomko wants what's best for Tomko and he does too as he passes by Crystal.

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns (Good): Stone Cold Shark Boy. TOMKO~! AJ is a 3-time World Heavyweight Champion, and don't you forget it, Angle.

Smackdown! vs. RAW 2008 (Not Good): I don't care about X-Division/Team 3D or the Abyss (CHRIS)/James Mitchel/Judas Mesias BULL-FUCKING-SHIT anymore.

TNA iMPACT! The Game (Nonsensical!): Not from the show, but there were a bunch of commercials... Larry the Cable Guy is getting another movie?!?! Who in the bloody hell thinks this is a good idea.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: Tomko

Pluggery, FTW!: RAW is HD in text form. With 20% less sound fuck-ups! Sean is drunk again. You know what that means: It must be time for the 2008 edition of the ROYAL RUMBLE. KNIFE EDGED POPS returns triumphantly with song parodies because it's a really slow week. I may have to start recapping NWA Showcase if this keeps up. Oh and there be a RETRO RANT for you too.  NO WAY OUT 2004 to be precise. Enjoy.

(Dino) Sendoff: Man I had a hard time getting this one out of me and into print. Like trying to pull three and a half stars out Big Daddy V's ample posterior hard. That said, I hope you enjoyed it. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN


TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

01/24/08
 
Hey y'all, what's shakin'? I saw ROH Undeniable last Saturday, and it was a damn awesome show. See it... IMMEDIATELY~! You can bet that I'll be tuning in to see their pay-per-views from now on. My first Daizee Haze match. Mmmhmm... *in creepy deep voice* Oh yeah. Kevin Steen is a freakin' awesome badass, btw. McGuiness gets the gold. I am still left wondering if Nigel has any other moves besides a lariat, because that was pretty much his entire offense against Morishima. Damn sure brutal lookin' though, those 6 dozen lariats. And Aries vs. Strong was epic. Hella fun show. I give it 5 brutal as fuck Jawbreaker Lariats... out of 5. But now it's time to stop gushing over the greatness of ROH and focus on TN...A...? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

TNA iMPACT! will never look the same to me, but we gotta do it anyway. And hey, at least it's not WWECW on Sci-Fi.

I'm not feeling my smartass mood really right now, a calming influence has befallen me and my poetic side is flowin', but I'll try my best to be cantankerous and cynical as I can about the proceedings. Either that or I can try to make everything rhyme. ;)

“You Will Never Forget Samoa Joe” is the title of tonight's episode. I guess somebody in TNA has to remember him.

Cornette is about to bust a freakin' coronary or something and sets Lethal vs. Machismo in a street fight and a world tag team title match a Big Bubba tip allows Team 3D to crash. So we're gonna have a 3(2)-way in the main event.

Tenay runs down some of the rest of the card.

Kevin Nash says it's clear to everyone Joe got screwed. Kev says we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Matt Morgan comes out and says nobody cares what “Grandaddy Cool” has to say. Big Bubba Matt runs down Nash randomly turns heel for no apparent reason (take a shot). He says get to steppin' or I'll make you old man. Nash chokes him and says never disrespect him again, and Big Bubba attacks from behind as he's leaving and beats on him until Joe leaps the rail and lays him out for the save.

Joe decides to do it the hard way and reads the episode title to us.

JB pimps these storyline forward pushing 2007 Awards and punches Kurt's logic in kidneys. Kurt tells AJ to get Tomko and The Olympic Hero will make him an offer he can't refuse. He is reluctant until Karen gets him alone for a minute and manz him up yo.

Cage respects Tomko's space and his choice to go it on his own and tells the Angle Alliance good luck in recruiting him.

Random Tag Team Match w/ Traci Brooks Post-Match Run-In- James Storm w/ Jackie and Robert Roode w/ Peyton Banks vs. Eric Young w/ Endless Fan Support and “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt w/ Tambourine of Destructive and Painful Loving...

Hey it's Roode & Young again. That was a fun never-ending feud huh? No? Okay then. Storm attacks EY from behind as Tenay thanks us for making last week's episode the most watched in TNA history. Roode has the advantage but Young gets a big Belly to Belly Suplex, before getting beat up some more. Kneedrop/Legdrop combo from Storm for two. EY fights back and hits a jawbreaker on Roode. Sonjay gets the hot tag and dropkicks Storm off the apron and makes Roode look stupid with his speed, finishing with a Lionsault for two that Storm breaks up. All for guys are in now and Dutt springboards to his doom once again, landing in front of a Storm Superkick. Payoff wins the day.

Winners: Robert Roode and James Storm

Ms. Brooks runs out and beats the shit outta Ms. Banks. Roode and Young have to separate them, and not without difficulty. Feisty.

Booker has nothing to say to Crystal.

Borash introduces TNA X-Division Wrestler of the Year as voted by the fans at their website... Black Machismo. So Cal Val cheers him and gives him a peck on the cheek that seems to perk up the unusually subdued Machismo. Jay Lethal takes of his glasses and bandana, allowing much-needed oxygen to reach his brain and speaks as himself. He says he's always come out for the fans and done his best, but he's lost his smile because of Team 3D. And he says Devine will get an ass beating. Okay, now was that really so bad?

Reign says he's done fuckin' around with Kaz. Joe comes by and knocks him out and Kaz walks up and steals his weapon and wig. Umm... okay. @_@

Shark Boy recap!

“Primetime” Elix Skipper vs. “Stone Cold” Shark Boy w/ Austin-esque Theme Music & Vest

Sharky starts on the attack and score the Thesz Press w/ mounted punches and Austin-style whatever drop. Elix gets a little O, but we're about Shark Boy here. Sharky stomps a mud hole in Elix. Okay, I was feeling that, and he's got Austin's mannerisms pretty much perfect. Elix botches some throw and gets two off of it. He goes up top and misses a legdrop. Sharky is up and Skipper is doubled over. Sharky foregoes the butt bite and turns him around and hits a Stunner!... which I will now call the Stingray, because I, uh, can. That's all she wrote and it's gonna be a chilly night in hell because the man they call Shark Boy (hehe) has just won a squash match.

Winner: “Stone Cold” Shark Boy

Sharky grabs a mic and channels Austin, using fish and otherwise aquatic puns in places to make it “his own”. That's the fishing line, 'cause Shark Boy said so. Classic. Sweet Daddy Charley happy. He even got the “what?” chant going. He tops off his celebration by downing a couple bottles of clam juice Austin-style. Anybody that shits on this (at least without seeing it first) has no sense of fun.

The only thing I won't buy in this fairly interesting new transformation is the Russo-ian logic of going from comatose and totally broken physically to 100% in a week. Other than that, this is straight up enter-freakin'-taining.

After that rather awesome awesomeness, Borash announces Gail Kim as the TNA Knockout of the Year. Gail Kim is sad too. Aww, poor Gail. She channels the AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels/Samoa Joe feud and Kong comes out to play Samoa Joe to Kim's AJ Styles (I think, memory blurry). The injured Gail fights valiantly but gets steamrolled pretty quick. She sets up the Awesome Bomb but ODB's music hits and Christopher Daniels' (Again, I may have these backwards; pretty sure I'm in the right storyline though) avatar in this crapola is into to make a rather tenuous save. She narrowly escapes her own Awesome Bomb and knocks Kongoa Joe with the floor with the last of three dropkicks.

Angle offers Tomko a spot in his Angle Alliance if he helps him. He then insults Tomko's wife and thereby honor and Tomko beats the shit out of him as we hit the break like a 20' Swanton onto a crash pad and Randy Orton. Ehh, it's a metaphor, and if the idiots who write the crap I have to watch can steal WWE shit, then so can I. Sweet Daddy Charley just revealed the plot point behind all the WWE references I use. Booyaka 619!

Tomko beats Kurturtle all the way to the ring as we come back from the break. Security has a hard time breaking up his assault on TNA World Heavyweight Champion in the ring, and the one-sided fight continues outside after Angle insists on calling Tomko's wife a slut again. Finally it is broken up for good and Angle demands a match with Tomko next week, because that's totally what you do against a guy that just beat the ever-loving shit out of you.

Brother Devine says he's cuts a decent promo, saying he's doing the talking tonight and is gonna show everyone (you'll see!) why he went to the darkside, the winning side. Now Brother Ray puts over Devon's jacked 305 pound frame and that they'll be bringin' home the tag team gold. He also says Crystal is flat-chested. Which makes me ask... So?!

Anonymous blond is fucken hot!

TNA X-Division Title Match Hardcore Streetfight- Johnny Divine w/ the Belt vs. Jay Lethal w/ the Title

Lethal beats Divine around the ring and posts him with a chair around his neck. Back inside Lethal DDTs Devine on a chair as we go to commercial.

Lethal continues the assault with a couple garbage can shots. Hiptoss/cartwheel dropkick combo + garbage can = nifty. Kendo stick shot leads to a Lethal Combination. Jay goes up top for a no doubt sketchy Lethal Elbow but Team 3D comes out and get crossbodied. Back inside Lethal waflles Devine with an unprotected chairshot, but Devon pulls the ref out and distracts Lethal while Ray sneaks around and drops him with the Kendo Stick. Giant Overstuffed Chibi Ray pulls Brother Devine on top of Lethal 4TW!

Winner: Brother Devine... which begs the question of whether or not the title actually changed hands in this match. Fuck You TNA!! Ah, I feel better now.

Post match Joe comes in and kills Devine with a Koquina Clutch.

Abyss hides behind his mask because he's ashamed of the blood that runs through him. He says Mitchell is his father, biologically only. He issues a challenge for a Barbed Wire Massacre match and I struggle to give a damn and ultimately fail to care about this absolute garbage any longer. If this fucking shit isn't up for the '07 Gooker, then it is a damn shame.

One of my all time fave pro basketball players Kendall Gill is in the ring and pimps Pros vs. Joes and announces Booker T Joins TNA as the Most Memorable Moment of 2007.

We're now a perfect 3 for 3 in depressed and upset award recipients. Booker blames himself, and this hurts worse than all his injuries, and he loves his (LOVELY) wife, and is more concerned with her than wrestling just yet.

Roode comes on one of the screens overlooking the iMPACT! Zone and says he couldn't believe Booker accepted his challenge and that it's T's own fault for letting his wife get in harm's way. The Prick named Bob tells Booker to go home to his (LOVELY) wife. And oozing sleaze, he adds to giver hr his best. Bobby at his slimeball best. Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime is a really good game btw.

BG says he's gonna take it easy and maybe even go on vacation (I assume that's what he meant by vay-cay anyway) during the three weeks before he and his dad Bullet Bob go for the tag titles at whatever the next pay-per-view is. Bullet Bob has other plans though and says they're gonna train boot camp style. BG is left to whine about being dragged into something against his will again, as he's been doing pretty much every single angle (quite possibly Karen included lulz) he's been in ever since the buildup to the eventual breakup of the 3/4Live Kru. Good times... good FUCKING times.

Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme and Literal Rock Band... err Guitar Hero Interpretation of the Gimmick vs. Tiger Mask and Curry Man *giddiness*

Curry man gets a big pop and it's time for me to mark... the... fuck... out. The man can make an entrance, that's for damn sure. Hoyt eats a kick combination from Tiger Mask but gets him with a shoulderblock. Rave is in and does his usual run into beating. He who is hot, spicy and tastes great makes the tag and goes to town until Hoyt stops the onslaught of yummeh. And dancing. Rave gets a Shining Wizard on Curry. Curry gets out of trouble with a spicy tag! Rave doesn't enjoy the tilt-a-while backbreaker though. Very dry and bitter. BUTTERFLY SUPERPLEX by Tiger Mask only gets two on Rave. Tiger Mask's PELE~! gets a rather minimal response from Tenay & West, who don't even bother to refer to it as such. Don't insult my intelligence you chucklefucks. I just wanted to say chucklefucks and say I wanted to say chucklefucks to pad this particular match's recap, because Curry Man is just worth it. Chucklefuck! Disjointedness happens leaving Hoyt on the outside. Tiger Kamen jumps out onto Hoyt and gets caught and slammed outside as Curry man hits the Spicy Drop. Hoyt stops the pin, but Tiger Mask helps Curry Man dodge a big boot. Hoyt gets sent to the floor and Splashed from the top by Curry Man. Tiger Mask hits a Diving Headbutt on Jimmy Rave for the pin.

Winners: Tiger Mask and Curry Man!

Brock Lesnar UFC debut vid package training thing shown, with testimonials!

The TNA of MVP... umm, MVP of TNA is... Samoa Joe? Uhh... *gurgle* Guess what, he's a sad catbus too. Well, he's more pissed really. But still, 4 for 4 on with unhappy and/or dissatisfied winners. That means I win Fire Pro Wrestling Returns! Go SDC~!

Joe says the fans have spoken. But TNA doesn't seem to be get it, because Jojo has no tittle shot. Borash said he had one awhile back but Kurtiss beat Jotaro. Joe agrees, but clotheslines the nerdiness out of JB anyway. Joely destroys the trophy and Cornette says you better knock that shit off you big grouch or no cookies for you. {Future Me: Can you tell how fucked up I am at this point? THIIIIIIIIS much... mweeheehee @_<} Nash stops Joe from killing Cornette and Jim says yeah he got screwed, but it happens. He offers Joey Special Enforcer privileges and a title at whatever March's pay-per-view is. I think it's Destination X, but hey, it'll have to be called something else if Macho Jay and The 'Guns lose. Nashley whispers in his ear and then licks it, which would be funny if it were true.  Joe demands to hear the cha-ching with a 5 year contract that is worth 15% more than Angle's per year and he might fall in line. Cornette asks for time to think and Joeneko wouldn't mind but the crowd wants to know now.  Cornette reluctantly agrees because he so totally has that kinda power. Joseph Big Immobile high five and I'm confused, but I've got Fire Pro Wrestling Returns coming so I'm aces, though broke as fuck with $20 and not so much with the food to survive till February.

Hey guess what, a tag team in TNA is fighting amongst themselves. Yeah, the champs. Whaddya mean you don't care?

TNA World Tag Team Championship Three Way Match- Team 3D vs The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Tomko and AJ Styles w/ Karen Angle

Deep armdrags by Sabin and he keeps hold of the. Rock Bottom for two by Ray. Styles tags himself in and continues to work over Sabin and eventually eats a Tornado DDT by Sabin. Tomko makes the save and gets rid of pretty much everybody while Brother Ray beats on Styles. Tomko gets knocked out of the ring by Ray but eats a springboard forearm from AJ. AJ flips out onto both members of the MCMG. Karen distracts Ray outside but he throws AJ at her and she gets laid out. AJ tags out and leaves Tomko to take Karen to the back. 3D-B on Tomko as we head into the break.

Devon misses the Flying Headbutt from the top and Tomko reigns punches from on high in the corner until Ray stops him. Dudley Doomsday Device! The Machine Guns roll over everybody and Tomko hits a possibly legit Closeline from Hell on Devon to retain the titles. Again, it's the goatee.

Winners: Tomko and... the hell with AJ Styles. Tomko agrees with me. He pie faces Styles when he runs back to the ring and hugs him post-match.

What you just saw the last two hours in 30 seconds... You mean I could've just watched this? Shit!!

Si 4 Life: CURRY MAN~!!!!111 Curry Man's ENTRANCE!!!!!!! Tiger Mask! OMG Shark Boy was in a squash match and WON~! Shark Boy is getting push, so what if it's as Stone Cold? The Rock & Rave Infection take their gimmick literally (The Rock part, not the Infection part... though I guess only Lance Hoyt, Christy Hemme and their doctors knows for sure of that's an accurate statement). I'm down with that. Enough reasons to mark out to keep the show from tanking. Tomko pwns all.

Ehh... aka The Nonexistent Crowd Reaction to Si/Ho Tag Team: Didn't seem like much wrestling, but plenty of physical confrontations to try and make up for it. You decide if it was good or bad. I'm too damn tired.

Ho 4 Life: What's with all the rehashes? Losing smiles, Stone Cold Shark Boy, Awesome Kong is Samoa Joe in the retelling of his honor breaking X-Division destruction in Knockouts form featuring Gail Kim as AJ Styles and ODB as Christopher Daniels. Hell, the guy that lost his smile is a freakin' Randy Savage rehash, awesome though he is. Big Bubba Morgan's completely out of left field random and pointless heel turn. This also fully realizes his rehash of Big Bubba Rogers. Next Elevation X Match, he's gonna miss catching Jim Cornette as he falls from the scaffold, I just know it. End this Abyss retardedness immediately. And I honestly can't say that I care if the X-Division goes away or not, outside of wanting to see Ray & Devon try to drop down to 275 lbs. More teams that hate each other to not care about.

TNAWTF (The not necessarily bad kind; the bad kind go in the WWE Divas... ho section)?!: Have to go with Joe KO-ing Black Reign & Kaz stealing more of his shit. You don't suppose Kaz is gonna end up transforming into Black Reign now do you? Ruh-roh... shouldn't have opened my big... uhh, keyboard?

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: Tomko was a beast!

Pluggery, FTW!: On RAW is rainbow hair Jeffy, the HD era hits... and you're a bastard? Sorry, couldn't think of anything clever to say. I had the wrong link last week, btw. Though I think Jeff Hardy did prove my Russian Roulette analogy quite nicely. WWECW hits a new low. Like you're not used to that. If SMACKDOWN! Is up before this, the link to that goes here. Sean covers the infamous and lame as shit BLACK SATURDAY. Egads man. And Harry Simon's 'SHMAZZ, brings the end of WCW and the final Monday Nitro. I'm sad now, because watching WCW die was still more fun than most anything WWE has EVER turned out. Sean also brings the 2007 ROYAL RUMBLE. Go him. No Deadface for you ungrateful shits. :P Nobody actually reads this I don't think... so I can call nonexistent readers ungrateful shits as long as I mean it in the nicest way possible, right Sean? Oh and ignore the fact that you claim to read this  before it gets posted and therefore technically count as a reader... ummm, wow... this is coming out bad on so many levels... I think I'll just shut up now... >.>

(Dino) Sendoff: We made it through another edition of TNA iMPACT! with our sanity still iN TACT! Well, whatever there was that left of it before the night began, somehow, pretty much remains. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, crushin' on a beautiful and talented no chance in hell.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN


TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

01/17/08
 
Hey y'all. Your boy Sweet Daddy Charley here bringin' y'all 3 hours of TNA chicanery in one big bad helping of lunacy and puro. I just need to mention something before we get started. I've got to apologize for the lateness the last umm, jeez how long has it been since I got one in in due time? That long? Really?! Wow... sorry people. m(_ _)m I guess I haven't been the same since the torturous three weeks of trying to write recaps from the Nintendo Wii's web browser. But anyway, I'll try to do right by everybody from now on, however long my tolerance for TNA/containment of urge to go hide under a rock holds out.

Recap of last week's tomfoolery.

“A Fish Out of Water” is tonight's episode title. (Future Me: All eyes... and terrible fish puns, on Shark Boy!)

The Angle Alliance is here and in celebration mode. Eric Young comes in to be a bother and they lock him in their limo.

Black Machismo & The Motor City Machine Guns are out and they've got somethin' to say. Shelley says Team 3D had a challenge for the Motor City Machismo Guns. He says they could be tag team champs and Macho Jay has beaten Kurt Angle and he could be WHC. And then he goes on about changing the X-Division and something about a 275 lb weight limit and weigh-ins every week that is really convoluted sounding.

Out is Team 3D and Brother Devine. Brother Ray finally wins me over with his mic skills, colorfully saying what great shape he and Devon are in. It seems that the weight limit is not for the X-Division title, but for Team 3D, but I have no fucking idea to be honest. Nobody seems to want to explain it, so whatever then. Team 3D & Devine come down to the ring to shake on it to make it official. Then the X-Division thugs attack them as they go to peacefully walk away. Assholes. Big Bubba Morgan leads the security dipshits in to action to break it up.

Abyss says the secret will be revealed over his dead body. And if it gets revealed then it will be the end of “Father” (HIIIIIIIINT~!) James Mitchell and Judas Mesias.

Shark Boy's series of unfortunate events is recapped.
Shark Boy Update #1- Shark Boy is comatose and lots of fish puns are made by his doctor, Dr. Fishman. The nurse is called Nurse Bass. His room looks like an aquarium. Shark Boy's family wear Shark masks too. WTF?!?!

Unbilled as But Still Technically Champion Vs. Champion Match (Such as it Is...)- of the TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko vs. TNA Beer Drinking Champion Eric Young

EY doesn't come out of his vortex when the music hits. Cut to the limo and a bunch of people trying to help Eric. He finally escapes the Angles' limo with help from Sonjay Dutt, who tells him that he can unlock the door from the inside. Something to that effect anyway.

Once the match starts, Young plays around and gets powerslammed. Tomko wrenches the neck and then puts on a chinlock that EY turns into a Death Valley Driver! Holy crap, I approve. He misses a Lionsault though. Tomko kills him with a clothesline and picks up the win.

Winner: Tomko

0 for 1 on matches ending with normal finishers.

Post match James Storm hits the Eye of the Storm as Tomko stares on. Storm offers him a beer and he accepts and toasts, then kicks Storm hard and tosses him over the top rope and to the floor. He then grabs a fallen beer and and the TNA Beer Drinking Championship belt and lifts up EY and hands them to him. Outside James Storm is not amused.

Christian Cage talks up Tomko being his own man and says AJ stabbed him in the back. He says Samoa Joe is fighting because he wants more money and AJ wants to protect Angle and disses Karen. He's gonna walk out as the #1 Contender.

Crystal takes Dustin Rhodes to Black Reign's workshop and he spazzes out while Crystal runs away, leaving Dustin to die or get painted up & evil or something.

ODB vs. Angelina Love

ODB starts off on the attack to a chant in her honor and is in total control until Love dodges the second rope Thesz press. Jaw breaker thing by Angie gets two. Knee lift and bicycle kick gets another near fall. Clothesline by ODB and a running powerslam ends this match.

Winner: ODB

0 for 2 on matches ending with normal finishers.

ODB gets on the stick and says Kong has beaten everyone, but not her. She says how bout we hook it up at Against All Odds. She says she likes getting' whupped once in awhile (wha?), but Kong won't whup her. She says she isn't just another pretty face, and Tenay says there's her T-shirt catchphrase. DW's funny quips are rubbing off on The Professor. Okay then...

Kevin Nash talks to Samoa Joe.

Wow, that was an old ass Tobasco Sauce commercial. Still probably the best commercial we'll see all night though.  Exploding mosquitoes FTW~!

Shark Boy Update #2- Chris Harris complains and LAX steal stuff, because suddenly they're Cryme Tyme apparently. LAME~!!!

Senshi vs. Kaz w/ Marlena the rat

Senshi starts with hard rights but Kaz fights back but misses the end of his kick combination and takes a rolling kick to the head from Senshi, then a headbutt. Hard kicks in the corner and huge dropkicks by the outgoing Senshi-sional one. Waistlock on the mat but Kaz escapes into a knee. Senshi is killing him. Single leg dropkick by Kaz. Second rope legdrop for a near fall. Bicycle kick knocks Senshi down in the corner. He then connects with the Jeff Hardy-style corner dropkick. Kaz gets the Wave of the Stupidly Named Move Future. Hey, he used his finisher. No more counting... :(

Winner: Kaz... no, look out behind you! Ooh... that probably hurt.

Black Reign nails Kaz with his weapon of choice and goes to the rat cage, but Misty/Marlena isn't there. He goes crazy and blasts Kaz with the cage and beats him up until security drags him away.

James Mitchell is sinister and ominous about the secret.

Prince AJ asks Tomko if he should take the title shot or give Kurt two months off. Tomko says decide for yourself little buddy.

Lance Hoyt w/ Jimmy Rave vs. Abyss w/ chain

Chain > Jimmy Rave methinks. Abyss looks for Mitchell and overpowers Big Lance but eats an elbow in the corner. Big body slam by Abyss. Big splash in the corner. He removes the ring of it's Rock Infection and when Jimmy interferes, the Rave Infection is removed too. I'd make a Lita joke, but I'm far too classy for that. Allegedly. Anyway Mitchell comes out for a second. Abyss still pretty much squashes Hoyt though, and gets another shot on little brother Rave when he tries to interfere again. Well, no, Hoyt got a sketchy looking something and missed a moonsault, then CHRIS gets the Black Hole Slam for the duke. But damn it sure was over quick.

Winner: Abyss... well, give it a minute, then not so much.

Mitchell commandeered a camera man during the match and is somewhere in the back and reveals he is the CHRIS' father while the cam repeatedly cuts to Abyss in the ring in various stages of panic, which is kinda funny.

Abyss goes crazy and runs away.

Robert Roode w/ Peyton Banks vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Sonjay gooses So Cal Val when she won't kiss him. Roode overpowers Sonjay but eats drop toe hold and a couple of dropkicks. He flips out onto Bobby. Peyton grabs Guru's leg before he can get back in the ring. Roode levels him with a running forearm. Ms. Brooks is out as we head into the break.

Guru keeps fighting but eats a spinebuster. He gets that kick in the corner and a clothesline off the second rope, then a springboard crotch to the face for two. He goes springboard again but Roode knocks the ropes out from under him and he hits the mat face first. The Payoff finishes it.

Brooks comes into the ring lookin' for a fight, and takes a little damage from Peyton but gets back into it, hits a spear and beats the stuffing out of Ms. Banks before Bobby drags her off and gets bitch slapped by his former, uhh, yeah. Brooksie goes back on the attack before Bobby gets back to his feet and holds her so his stalker can slap the shit out of her. Big Bubba Matt Morgan makes the save before Peyton can use the boots.

Shark Boy Update #3- Velvet and Angelina show up for even more stupidity and dirty old men.

Karen dubs AJ the “Prince of Phenomenal”. Apparently that is supposed to mean he's going to forego the the title shot so Kurtle (note to self: must photoshop this someday) can have two months off of title defenses if he wins.

Kip is pissed off and Roxxi looks sad and BG looks like an overworked and underappreciated parent as they head to the ring.

Kip complains about handing BG the title shot and getting shut out of said shot. BG says shut the hell up. He says he's been blessed. He says he has had a hero since he was knee high to a grasshopper. Wow, that's old school right there. He's been wrestling all his adult life to provide for his family. BG says he wants to team with the baddest man he's ever known. He's proud to introduce us to his partner, his father, Bullet Bob Armstrong. Everybody hugs. Happy happy happy.

Update #4- Eric Young says Sharky's gotta keep fighting and speaks of fighting fishes like Nemo and Jaws and Spongebob and stuff. Shark Boy opens his eyes, sits up, and speaks... like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Umm... what in the fucking hell?

Kurt Angle plugs Global iMPACT! and his title defense against Yuji Nagata. That's coming up next btw.

Jim Cornette is with Scott Steiner and Petey Williams and sells Scott on the X-Division. Steiner takes back his X-Division title shot enthusiastically and Cornette tells Petey he could bring a tear to a glass eye.

Winner: Fast Talking Southerners!

Main Event #1 Contender's Elimination Match- AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage

Cage goes crazy on AJ, then Joe beats on him too. Double back body drop. That leaping knee thing to Cage's face. Styles pulls Cage out and blasts him. Joe goes for a suicide dive but AJ gets back in the ring and Joe stops himself. Styles goes for one, but gets kicked an the head. Christian is up top and flies. Joe casually walks out of the way and AJ gets dropped. Joe gets the suicide dive this time and we got us a commercial.

Back with Joe beating up AJ. He drops Cage on AJ and does his kick/kneedrop combo. Joe & Cage clothesline each other. HUGE springboard forearm by AJ to Cage. He sets up the rarely used Styles Clash but Cage maneuvers it into a Texas Cloverleaf by Cage on Styles. He sees Joe coming back into the ring and goes over to him and gets kicked in the head. The Muscle Buster gets countered and Joe gets the Clutch partially applied. Somewhere around here the ref gets mildly bumped. AJ gutshots Joe with a chair and straight up lays out Cage with it then Joe kicks it into his face. Stupid referee Rudy Charles sees Joe drop the chair out of the ring and both other guys down and disqualifies Joe. Joe is pissed and threatens Rudy outside the ring and Matt Morgan gets involved again. Nash comes down and gets between them. Haha, Joe did take out a security guy though. That was funny. Commercial!

Inverted DDT blocked momentarily by Cage, but he eats it anyway after AJ rakes the eyes. AJ goes crazy with the punches. Chop fight and AJ hits the best Double A Spinebuster EVER for a near fall. In fact, I'm going to start calling it a Double AJ Spinebuster whenever anybody hits that. It was seriously that good. Flying forearm corner charge dodged and Cage turns AJ inside out with a clothesline. Cage misses a Frog Splash. PELE OUT OF NOWHERE~!1111111111 West said it EXACTLY the way people make fun of him for doing it, which rarely ever happens. Trippy. Super top rope back body drop by AJ. I approve. Spiral Tap misses. Wow... Christian gets two. Christian leaps from the top onto AJ's knees. AJ talks shit as he goes for an Unprettier on Cage. Cage reverses and hits his own to take the win and the #1 Contendership for Kurt Angle's TNA World Heavyweight Title.

Winner: Christian Cage

Musical recap and the show is over home slice.

Except it's not. See, there was only one match on Global iMPACT!, but it was a doosy, and in doing right by y'all, I simply must recap this excellent 4 star gem right freakin' now.

The Tokyo Dome is awesome btw.

Fake IWGP World Heavyweight Championship Match- Kurt Angle vs. Yuji Nagata

Angle attacks before the bell but Nagata fights back, but runs into an overhead belly to belly. Nagata gets one of his own though, and Angle ducks a Shining Wizard attempt and ducks out to catch his breath. The trade headlock takeovers. Drop toe hold and Nagata goes for the Crossface. Angle escapes. They are countering everything and Angle takes some hard kicks but Nagata misses the one meant for Angle's face. Nagata puts Kurt in a sleeper. Angle takes out Nagata's knee and Yuji rolls out. The fight outside and once back in Kurt works over the leg. Figure Four. Nagata tries to roll it over twice, but can't get it. Finally he makes it to the ropes, and Angle works the leg some more. Nagata kicks his way out of another submission-type move with his good leg and gets a serious armbar on Kurt. Man, Mr. Nagata's facial expressions are something to behold. Commercial.

Angle rolls up some Germans on Nagata. T-Bone from Nagata gets two. Two of three amigos, or whatever they call amigos in Japanese. I'm an ignorant American and do not know. :/ Angle escapes the last one but Nagata locks in the Crossface. Angle escapes into the Ankle Lock. Nagata reverses back into the Crossface. Angle rolls it back to the Ankle Lock. Nagata kicks out of it and gets the Crossface back on and Angle gets it into the Olympic Slam for two. Angle misses the moonsault and takes a belly to belly from the top rope. Somewhere around here Nagata did that badass running knee in the corner, and it looked hella awesome. Maybe just seeing it clearly for once. Youtube is blurreh shit yo. Nagata gets the Crossface back on AGAIN! Nagata turns it into a different submission and nearly gets a pin out of it. They trade forearms, punches, and European uppercuts and basically just knock the shit out of each other like total badasses. Nagata kicks Angle but eats clothesline but comes back with another belly to belly suplex. He misses another kick that would've taken Angle's head off and Angle gets the Ankle Lock and Grapevines it to finally get the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Tenay runs through the huge names Kurt Angle has beaten and adds Yuji Nagata to the list as the two shake hands and embrace.

That's pretty much it. I'm going to have to pick this show up on DVD when it comes out.

Si: Amazing main event. The show was based around Shark Boy! Hella good Austin impersonation by Sharky. The Global iMPACT! AJ Styles was a beast in a losing effort and played the cocky heel to a T (not Booker). Between James Mitchell's badass tone and repeated shots of Abyss panicking in the ring, the reveal of the big secret was made relatively easy to swallow. Thank you for the effort guys, it was necessary. The heartfelt promo and introduction of Bullet Bob Armstrong as his tag team partner for the TNA World Tag Team Title shot by BG James.

From Global iMPACT!: Kurt Angle vs. Yuji Nagata Fake IWGP World Title Match was outstanding. It was quite interesting seeing Tomko take the subway to the gym, following his routine, the day before the show. Also the fact that he can speak some Japanese is cool.

Ho: The revelation that Mitchell is Abyss' father itself is pretty stupid. Shark Boy update #2 and #3 were crap. When the hell did LAX become Cryme Tyme? And I dunno about Bullet Bob making a comeback, perhaps since I don't despise Kip's in-ring ability as much as some people, though I enjoyed the moment itself, as stated above.

Fucked Up Moment of the Night: Stone Cold Shark Boy. Apparently shoving thermometers up his ass isn't smart btw.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: AJ Styles for his badass, cocky, spirited, and downright show-stealing in-ring performance for the second half of the main event. Phenomenal.

Random Wrestling Related Transcendent Moment: Listening to a beautiful woman singing a heartfelt song live while you are watching Fire Pro Wrestling Returns footage is straight up mindblowing. I highly recommend it.

Pluggery, FTW!: Catherine Perez brings the greatness every week in DEADFACE WALKING. At FINAL RESOLUTION two badasses fought over a the services of an incompetent boob. Oh, and there may have a been a title on the line too. Get RAW right here. Sean gets stuck with WWECW this week. How much more can alcohol poisoning can his liver take? One has to wonder if he should be allowed to make any jokes Jake Roberts' sobriety's expense?

(Dino) Sendoff: Mercifully, I am done. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and I've got a crush on someone unattainable to me (on an obscene number of levels) to tend to.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CHARLEY MARTIN


TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

01/10/08
 
Hey yo. This is your better let than never (allegedly) recap of iMPACT! Enjoy the show, because it's gonna be a pretty good one.

A few minutes late and I can't say I'm upset, because it is so fucking hard to recap a Machine Guns match. Would've liked to have seen the whole thing though. The Guns got the win over Senshi & Elix Skipper in a short but stupidly fast paced match that Mavis Beacon couldn't have kept up with if she was on speed (or a real person).

Cage rids the ring of it's X-Division job squad infection and gets on the mic. Ol' boy says he understands and is fine with AJ being him own man, but costing him the title, ehh, not so much. He gave AJ everything he has in this business, and tonight he takes it back. Dammit, everybody there seems to actually accept that he actually gave AJ everything. Might as well call him Osaka too, since everyone will accept it without question.  It almost makes sense, I swear.

Chris Harris bitches at Jim Cornette. Jim is very animated tonight. Cornette gives Harris THE UNDERTAKAAAH~!... err Judas Mesias. Umm, yeah, wow. Almost too easy. Harris says he'll be back after he disposes of Mesias and Cornette says he'll commit suicide on national television if he comes back. Harris says something about valet parking or something on the way out that I mostly missed. Joe comes in and gets up in Cornette's grill about Nash fucking him over (umm, figuratively) at Final Resolution. Cornette says it's your problem, so go deal with it. Joe intends to.

Earlier today... 4:43 pm to be exact, the Angle Alliance pull into parking lot. Iron Professor Mike and DW are surprised to see Borash with them. There is gonna be a coronation for AJ Styles to be officially indoctrinated into the Angle Alliance. AJ is gonna become a prince, 'cause that'll totally make things less stupid.

To some random room somewhere in Universal Studios. Borash tells AJ to watch his back because Christian wants to kill him. Karen and Kurt just want him to get ready & not worry about Christian, and someone amongst them tells him to go hide. Tomko comes in and AJ hugs him, but Tomko tells him he's on his own with a metaphor that didn't make much sense probably.

Judas Mesias w/ “Father” (that's a hint about the Abyss' secret, btw) James Mitchell vs. “Wildcat” Chris Harris w/ emerging beer belly

Mitchell joins our allegedly esteemed announce team. Harris and his post-Black Reign push rape job squishy abdomen goes over to talk shit at the announce table and gets blasted from behind and beat on for a couple minutes. Mitchell says either he or CHRIS will reveal the secret that everybody already knows next week. Harris finally decides to fight back and hits a big left arm lariatOOOOOOOOOOO and a spinebuster gets two. Bulldog by the Wildcat. Harris goes for the Catatonic but Mesias escapes and uses a well timed ref distraction by Mitchell to spit red stuff in Harris' face. Straight to Hell and it's academic.

Winner: Judas Mesias

Ms. Brooks tells Crystal she's scared as shit but that the only thing she can do is face dat sumbitch Robert Roode head on.

Recap of Kim/Kong at Final Resolution.

VKM w/ The Voodoo Queen vs. “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams & “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Tenay & West put over the shenanigans and unrest and shit between Kip & BG and their long time together. Kip outmuscles both X-Division guys but gets completely outmaneuvered to the point of looking stupid(er?). BG tags in and bitches at Kip. Roxxi looks sad. Aww. :( He proceeds to get made to look like a tool foo. The short guys run wild and have it in control as we go to commercial, but as it fades to black, Kip is coming up behind an unsuspecting Petey Williams like a big gay shark or Dragon Ball Z villian or something. Either way it's a big ambiguously gay dude coming up behind him. I hope Petey isn't in the fetal position in the corner crying when we get back from the break.

Meet the Spartans. Waste your money.

Kip kills Petey with a hard kick. Scott Steiner sneaks down and switches the cases with Petey's and runs away. Bwahahaha, now THAT was funny. Petey makes the second worst hot tag ever to Dutt who almost immediately gets dropped like a chump. The worst was Doug Furnas on an episode of Raw in the mid 90s. He does fight back as Petey notices the case switch and abandons his partner to go retrieve his case. It's looking like more X-Division burial, but Sonjay inadvertently saves his ass when he causes yet more strife with his love. He hugs BG, sparking an argument between BG & Kip that gets physical and allows him to roll Kip up for the rare X-Division (and Guru himself) win.

Winners: “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt, the hell with the Petey. He skipped out, so no love for muscley short guy.

The Guru, not content with the suffering and destruction his love has already caused lately, plants one on a shocked, but not entirely unappreciative So Cal Miss Elizabeth.

Another less important but more palatable secret will be revealed next week when Kip demands to know who will be BG's partner for the eventual title shot  BG won in the Feast or Fired match on the next episode of TNA iMPACT!

Cage seeks AJ and leaves it up to Crystal's imagination what he's gonna to the Phenomenal One. They passed him hiding with Borash under a catering table. And they were arguing. Seeing everybody fight is hilarious. Makes my family seem normal. I think that's why people actually watch Dr. Phil.

They're still under the table when we come back from the terribly unfunny and intelligence insulting crap shilling to this terribly unfunny and intelligence insulting goodness. JB is grossed out because AJ farted. Fuck you TNA. Sorry, editorializing. I feel better now though. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Eric Young shows up and scares AJ and tells him to go hide in the park where he can blend in with touristic masses. Touristic didn't come up as misspelled. Huh... Anyway, Styles agrees and he and Borash go off into the park to hide out and EY takes their place under the table for some reason. Meh, at least he made sense and had something intelligent to add to the proceedings for once.

Team 3D kills the X-Division in video package form.

The goon squad of Team 3D and Brother Devine are up in the hizzle. Ray, who wouldn't even be in good shape by 1970s wrestling standards says Hardcore Streetfight at whatever the next pay-per-view is. I should probably know, but... I don't. X-Division title vs. uhh, X-Division, stip is demanded by Brother Squishy (Ray). If Machismo & the Guns lose, the X-Division is no more. Brother Devon gets a few lines before his usual one, and I guess I can't really say he's better on the mic, because it wouldn't be true, though he is good when he gets the chance, but my god Devon's voice is his so much less annoying the Giant Chibi Ray's brain stabbing talky-talk.

Samoa Joe finds Nashley. Big Immobile is waiting with a baseball bat, and says he's a business man. He says if Cornette signs a big check for each of them, he'll gladly face Joe. Also he says Joe needs him. He gives Joe the bat and Joe screams he should kill him, but Nash walks out leaving Joe fuming. Joe wussed out, but don't tell him I said that. I'm not 7'1”/320/immobile... nor do I look like Kenny Rogers.

Kurt Angle picks Gail Kim to retain the Knockout Title tonight because she has heart, even though he thinks Awesome Kong is probably the most dominating woman in wrestling. Whoa, way to make the title important TNA. Brilliant! I approve bigtime. That felt all old school NWA. Oohoohoo, I'm giddy now.

Tenay talks to Booker T in what is supposed to be a hospital lobby, but it I dunno, it so generic that it kinda feels like a medical facility to me. Booker says Sharmell's jaw is shattered and was wired shut. He said he always wants her to to have what she wants, and she wanted to be in there to watch his back and a piece of Roode herself, but this might be his worst mistake. He can't stop beating himself up for it, and will continue to until Sharmell is back on her feet. Then he's gonna take everything out on Robert Roode. It's personal now. Booker heads back to his lovely wife.

Time for a match that has no chance in hell of happening.

Robert Roode vs. Ms. Brooks

Robert Roode runs down Sharmell to the tune of horse faced skank and blames her predicament on Booker for agreeing to the match. Now we go to Ms. Brooks. He officially fires her, but that's not enough. Robert Roode Inc. is gonna do what Robert Roode Inc. should've done a long time ago. He intends to do much worse than break Brooks' jaw.

Ms. Brooks is out. She screams at him to shut up as he starts to talk. She says he broke Sharmell's jaw and abused her constantly and asks if that gets him off. She says he has everything, money, talent, looks (debatable, but then I'm a dude), cars. Brooks says but at the end of the day he's just a prick named Bob. Hehe, Bob's everywhere are crying in their Rocky Road. She kept cracking and had to compose herself. Nice touch. He tells her to shut up. She had the chance to walk with greatness (or something to that effect), but she blew it. Pays to be Roode time. BUUUUUUUT...

Cornette is in the house and he is PISSED. He screams that the fans, Spike TV, TNA and he himself are not gonna stand for him putting his hands on Ms. Brooks. He calls Roode an embarrassment to the male species. He says he could and should suspend him or fire him or run him over with a truck! The crowd is going absolutely bananas for this. I mean, this is a rare kind of pop. Cornette goes on to say he should do all that but won't, because he wants to see Booker T come back and tear him apart piece by piece! He tells Ms. Brooks to head to the back and security will escort her away and Robert Roode will never hurt her again.

Once out of the ring, the psycho fan lays out Ms. Brooks and gets a chairshot while Roode keeps Cornette away. Cornette takes off and comes back with Big Bubba Morgan to run off Roode and his new replacement for Ms. Brooks.

Black Machismo's turn to talk about tonight's main event. He is Rock & Wrestling and out of his fuckin' mind speaking of Wendi Richter & Moolah & Cyndi Lauper. Loosen his freakin' bandana! It's cutting off the oxygen to his brain!

Borash is out in the park looking for Styles. AJ is dressed in Egyptian garb greeting people in front of the Mummy Returns ride or something. Okay, finally... FINALLY, AJ has a cool costume. I'd be totally down with it if he wore that to his coronation. AJ doesn't want to go back, but Borash says Karen Angle is waiting for him in the men's room. He asks why and JB says don't ask. And awaaay we go.

Rock & Rave Infection vs. LAX w/ Salinas

Tenay says he can't believe they ever thought Salinas was a dude. West says it was a really baggy shirt. That is why he's tolerable, occasional funny shit like that. Big man throwdown starts us off. Hernandez with a looong delayed vertical on Hoyt. Rave runs headlong into a beating. Somewhere in here the Infection started beating up Homicide until he hit Cutter. Hernendez gets the tag and cleans house, because he's Hernandez, and that's what he does. Rave gets double teamed, eats catapult clothesline, and a senton. Rave escapes Homicide's finisher into a roll up for a two count, but on the second try the Gringo Killer kills the gringo Rave, maybe literally. That was sick.

Winners: LAX

ODB doesn't care who wins because she gets whatever scraps are left as the #1 contender. Makes sense I guess, but Kong is mighty big scraps.

Tomko brings the awesome and says AJ will handle himself and as to why he went with the Angles, he offers up something to the effect of AJ having a school boy crush on Karen. The wisdom of this man... Hmm, I can kind of relate to AJ's plight though in some way. You might even say that is why I'm this late with this recap. Just pathetic, I know.

Shark Boy vs. Tomko

Shark Boy is deader than ever. On a crutch and with an arm in a sling now. They better pay this off soon, he won't last much longer. According to Tenay, Sharky requested a match with a big badass. Tomko is way over. He doesn't seem to know what to make of Shark Boy. Shark Boy gets a punch but gets a little deader from a hard clothesline from behind. Military press into a Fall Away Slam. Sharky tries to get to his feet, but Tomko mercifully ends it.

Winner: Tomko, who still looks confused.

Security brings in a stretcher to cart off the remains of Shark Boy.

AJ gets a sexy pep talk in the men's room.  Lucky him.

Kaz has an apparently materialistic rat named Marlena. Haw haw. Blah blah blah come get yo rat back Reign blah.

The Angle Alliance hits the ring and AJ is about to be princified. There is a throne in the ring. Kurt has AJ sit on the throne and Kurt crowns him and dubs him Prince AJ. The you suck chant gets a kiss my ass from Angle. Kurt says it was a hard choice, but the correct one. Angle talks him up and keeps loudly and obnoxiously saying AJ screwed Cage. He talks up the genius of how he screwed Cage and everything and makes AJ nervous.

Cage comes out and reminds everyone he made Kurt tap out. He turns his attention to AJ and tells him to man up. Crowd starts a Princess AJ chant. He tells AJ to man up. Karen whispers in his ear and he claims his manliness. Cage calls Karen a slut, if more creatively, and AJ calls her a lady and says he can take Cage.

Samoa Joe is out. AJ says stfu big stinkyhead. Well no, he's a man now, and he actually makes some sense for once, saying Angle has the gold so they have the power. EY AND AJ making sense on the same show?!?! It's gonna be an unseasonably chilly night in hell tonight, right Tomko? Oh... sorry, it's the goatee. Heh. Cage says he & Joe have never agreed on anything, but maybe they can agree that the guys in the ring need their asses kicked.

Cornette comes in and stops everything before it gets started. He says Cage got screwed and Joe is worthy of a shot, and he wants to see AJ get beat up, so they will have a three way next week to decide who will be #1 Contender. Joe & Cage get a title shot for winning, and if AJ wins he gets either a title shot or 2 months for Kurt of not having to defend his title.

Gail & Awesome are on their way to the ring.

Tale of the Tape, and it's Main Event Time!

TNA Knockout's Championship Match- Awesome Kong w/ mysterious cloaked woman vs. TNA Women's Knockout Champion Gail Kim

Gail dodges Kong's attack before the introductions are finished and gets some shots in but eats back fist on the apron and crashes to the floor. It's pretty back & forth outside with Gail attacking relentlessly and Kong ramming her into shit until Kim dodges and Big, Scary, & Awesome crashes through the boards and under one of the stages. Awesome! Commercial.

Kong is in control and we finally get back in the ring. Gail gets beat down, but bites her way out of a superplex and blocks a spinning back fist. Huge tornado DDT for two. Senton from the top gets another near fall. The woman outside causes distraction and Gail gets caught coming off the top. Chokeslam by the Awesome one, but Gail Kim will not stay down. Kim gets beaten up some more but makes her comeback. Kim goes for a huracanrana, but it gets caught. Kong Powerbombs Kim and hangs on and does it again and hangs again and finally hits the Awesome Bomb to finally put Gail Kim away. Holy shit!

Winner: and NEW TNA Knockouts Champion... Awesome Kong

Recap and preview of next week and we're outta here. I need a drink. Something strong.

Now that was a pretty fun show.

Si: The wrestling, the backstage shenanigans, most stuff just clicked tonight.

Ho: This Shark Boy thing better turn out to be worthwhile, because it never was funny. EVER. Also there were too many squashes.

iMPACT! Player of the Night: This is easy. Jim Cornette was a straight up house of fire on the stick all night long. Remember the promo he cut on Robert Roode, because it should still be in the running for the best of awards at the end of 2008. Absolutely fucking fantastic.

Pluggery, FTW~!: Okay, there is a ton of stuff, so I'm just gonna run it down for ya. DEADFACE WALKING, RETRO HEAT, FINAL RESOLUTION, RAW, SMACKDOWN, THE HOSS WHISPERER, PYRO & BALLYHOO~!, ROYAL RUMBLE 2005 and 2006. Read and enjoy.  Love ya.

(Dino) Sendoff: Another one in the books, and it was a very good show. Like clockwork, once a month. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, mourning the defeat of my beloved injured FORMER TNA Women's Knockout Champion, Gail Kim. :'(

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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
by Charley Martin

01/03/08
 
It's going to be quick & dirty and not very funny or good tonight if I'm going to get it in under the gun or even close, since Cameron's damn Awesome Kong link in the Fanny Awards sent my ADD into overdrive after I had already been up 26 hours straight and thus I slept through iMPACT! Thursday night. I suck at my job. T.T But I shall not give up. I'll have this in by hook or crook. What do you mean it's an all gauntlet match show? FUUUUCK!!! I hope you fall under the jurisdiction of the Pacific Time Zone Sean... Umm, yeah. Onto the show! Somebody get me DVR so I don't get fired!

TNA we are wrestling... sometimes. Previously on TNA and the Restless, some shit happened. And it was of wildly varying quality. “Rankings by Gauntlet” is tonights episode title.

AJ Styles is at. AJ locked himself away at Grammy Styles' hizzouse and is spazzing out. It's gonna be a long night.

Tenay and West pimp their hearts out.

Cornette & Big Bubba Morgan are in the ring. Cornette explains that the Gauntlet Matches are to determine the rankings in all four divisions. Also he adds Bobby Roode & Ms. Brooks vs. Booker T & his lovely wife Sharmell. Joy.  Love how everybody has to reinforce that she is lovely.

Here comes Somoa Joe to bitch some. And here's Nash for rebuttal. Long story tolerably short, Joe & Nash will be taking on Styles & Tomko for all four Ts of the TNA Tag Team Titles. Wait, there's actually five. Damn.

Roode disses Sharmell and threatens to slap the taste out of her mouth. Ms. Brooks despises Bobby and he likes it. Umm, he found her at a strip club? WTF?! She makes him say “It pays to be Roode”. It makes his day. He seemed pretty giddy about it anyway. Actually he wasn't near as mean to her as he usually is tonight. Huh...

Team 3D & Brother Devine are in the hizzle and Ray molests Crystal. She gets pissed and shoves the mic at him and tells him to interview himself. So he does I guess. He says they've been working out and are ready to go. Devine inadvertently pisses off Devon comparing his newfound climbing abilities and such to King Kong. Nobody gets along in TNA. Kip is dressed gayer than ever before. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING~! BG is scouting somebody like Honky Tonk Man scouted Billy Gunn many years ago, Kip screams about it, and the Voodoo Queen looks like a scared child caught in the middle. Sadly, I'm not even joking.

I should mention that the order of entrance is based on pre-match rankings by Cornette.  Some highly questionable ones to come, but not in this match.

TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH- LAX vs. VKM vs. MCMG vs. Team 3D vs. Rock & Rave Infection

Lance Hoyt starts it off with beyond ambiguous gay Kip James. Kip with a big dropkick but eats big boot. Swinging neckbreaker by Kip. Brother Devon is in and cleans hizzouse. Hoyt and Devon double team gay Kip variant (coming soon!) Shelley scores offense but Devon shuts him down. Homicide is in but doesn't get too far though Kip goes out when he shows a little skin... okay, dodges. Buzzkill. Jimmy Rave is in and blasts away at Homicide. Homicide holds his own against both Rave and Hoyt till the buzzer. BG knocks the blocks off of everybody and eliminates Brother Devon. Here comes Ray. He blasts everybody including fellow villain Hoyt. Here comes Chris Sabin to clean house finally eliminating BG. Your final participant is Hernandez. He kills everybody who wants some until Hoyt drops him with a hard forearm from behind. Sabin eliminates Ray after Homicide got some shots in.

Rave & Hoyt eliminated Hernandez & Homincide during the break and then got squashed.

Winner: MCMG

Post match beatdown of the Guns by Team 3D sees Blubba Ray and Devon and their little helper monkey Devine try to break Shelley & Sabin's wrists so they can't climb when the Ultimate X match goes down THIS SUNDAY. I'm so subtle. The rest of the X-Division makes the save.

Kurt says he knows Tomko & Styles will go with him. He makes a small funny then a Sid-ism and leaves to deal with Tomko. Karen says she didn't marry him for his brains. Commercial.

AJ Styles crap again. AJ's third grade teacher runs him down and he gets pissed off. She tries to reason with him and then cusses him out.

DW & Iron Mike pimp some of the Final Resolution card. And for shits & giggles here's my final list of New Year's Resolutions.

1.) Touch a boobie and more. Self explanatory. Sweet Daddy Charley needs some action.
2.) Finish a fucking RPG and/or Legend of Zelda game. This is the year.
3.) Get the hell outta this damn town and do something, ideally positive, with my life.
4.) Be less of a stereotype. Outside of a higher than average intelligence and comprehension of what I see and read in regards to the business, I'm pretty much the prototypical IWC loser you envision, physically in particular.

KNOCKOUT WOMEN'S GAUNTLET MATCH- Ms. Brooks vs. Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love vs. ODB vs. Awesome Kong vs. Roxxi Laveaux

Angelina Love gets no love as the lowest ranked woman, followed by Ms. Brooks ginormouser than usual looking breasts. Brooks starts on the attack but Love almost eliminates her twice before the timer drops to zero. Jackie comes down to beat up Angelina Love. Brooks & Moore argue. Sky cleans house. Double teamery. Christy Hemme is ranked way too high coming in and crossbodies the pornstars and beats up Sky. Fire Crotch Guillotine or whatever the hell it's called never works. Weird ODB is waaaaaaay over and eliminates Ms. Brooks. The Voodoo Queen beats up ODB and hits a Samoan Drop and tries to eliminate Jackie. Here comes Kong. Kong eliminates Sky & Hemme, then Angelina Love. Commercial.

Back and the Giant Elimination Theory (GET) is in effect. Kong is eliminated and I will mark for that type of elimination forever. Even West's spazzing over the sitch helped the dramatic nature for once. Jackie is gone a few seconds later. One on one match now. Dirty Dozen dozen't do it.  Only six before Roxxie throws ODB away. The Voodoo Queen's Badass Spinebuster gets two. ODB gets that dirtily named Thesz Press thing from the second rope FTW.

Winner: ODB

Post match goes for the flask but it's empty. She celebrates anyway. Weirdness.

Tomko essentially says nobody cracks whip with the, uh, Tomko? Ol' boy is PISSED about being stuck in the middle of this because of AJ. And it's about to get better, because Tomko is on his way out to call out Kurt. Commercial.

Tomko calls Angle out. Kurt is sick of it. Kurt says Tomko is supposed to be a soldier and demands an answer. Tomko says the decision was made several weeks ago, but humours Angle's soldier metaphor. He says the army means respect, loyalty, and family. He takes it a step further and asks himself if he would take a bullet for Christian or Kurt. He considers himself an outlaw and says he'd only take a bullet for himself. Tomko says he's on nobody's side but his own. Kurt says he doesn't agree but respects his decision. They shake hands, but that sneak bastard Angle tries to attack. Tomko catches him by the throat to a huge pop and says he'll give him a pass this time, but if Angle EVER puts his hands on him again, he'll break his scrawny neck permanently. Tomko is now a badass-type face.

Dear lord, MORE AJ Styles. Well, there is a man of the cloth there for some reason. And that is your weekly phrase turn. Styles gets run down by his alleged high school wrestling coach this time. AJ screams it wasn't pee it was Mountain Dew and goes back into hiding. The coach screams at him to get out there and take it like a man. Man, THIS IS A THREE-FUCKING-TIME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~!!!

Commercial!

We're back and yep, mo' AJ shenanigans involving him. AJ's sister MJ threatens to tell stories about him... jerking off it sounded like was where she was going. AJ wants a sammich & YooHoo... is YooHoo a sponsor of TNA?

Macho Jay channels the late 80s WWF and the Mega Powers and is awesome. Sonjay Dutt is only Hogan-esque in prematurely thinning hairline, and So Cal Val makes me reach for the Jergens... what? My hands are seriously dry. Kissy Face Sonjay gets compared to Adrian Adonis by Jay when he offers to plant one on him. They argue out of camera range, but this segment ain't ovah yet.

Christian Cage meanders in as he's been prone to do lately and says he's proud of Tomko. He wants to know where AJ stands and who's gonna bask in the glory with him when he becomes champion for the third time and whatnot. He invites Angle to match wits with him at the gauntlet match he's in tonight.

X-DIVISION GAUNTLET MATCH- “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt vs. Brother Devine vs. “Primetime” Elix Skipper vs. “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams vs. Sailor Senshi vs. Shark Boy

The Guru and Petey start us off. After the break.

Sonjay outmaneuvers and almost eliminates Petey. Physically Broken Shark Boy variant (coming soon!) makes it happen and cleans house. Elix Skipper enters and cleans house with strength. Skipper eliminates himself when Dutt dodges a corner charge. No love for Primetime. Dutt & Sharky get perfectly timed stereo dropkicks. They hug and Sharky is hurt by it. Devine gets slides into a beating but gets it back and eliminates Sharky. Senshi dropkicks Devine and Dutt & Petey flip him out. Senshi eliminates The Guru off a springboard crotch to the face onto Petey. Hey, Tenay said Senshi had educated feet. Petey gets killed relentlessly before dodging the Warrior's Way and maneuvering a Sunset Flip into a Canadian Destroyer.

Winner: Petey Williams, Heavyweight Title Match holder and possibly X-Division #1 Contender.

James Storm says EY cheated in the beer drinking and we're gonna have a DCS best of three drinking events between the two at Final Resolution. He explains the first event and then leaves with Jackie to make up the other two. Anonymous Blond can't wait to see that.

More AJ Styles stupidy with that priest guy this time. It was funny at the end when he asked if Borash needed to confess anything and ol' JB got a deer in the headlights look on his face.

Another card pimping.

Booker says he came here to make an iMPACT! in the ring but not his wife and goes total Ranting Swede about his (lovely) wife having to get in the ring, before Sharmell says she's not scared and wants to slap the taste out of Roode's mouth. Book says “Damn, damn, damn. Now you done pissed her off.” Booker is the bestest. ^^

HEAVYWEIGHT GAUNTLET BATTLE ROYAL- Umm, Everybody else without titles that hasn't wrestled yet?...

Booker is the first out for our main event. Big Bubba Matt Morgan watches the proceedings. Booker insisted on being the first out though Tenay tells us Cornette had seeded him a fair bit higher based on career achievements. Storm is ranked this low? The fuck? Storm lays in the rights but eats educated feet. Roode is ranked this low?! The fuck? Roode attacks hard but Booker gets back on O for a second before the bad guys commence the beatdown. Here comes Showtime. EY cleans house as we go to commercial.

Back for the return of Scott Steiner and the first elimination, James Storm. 5 guys came in while we were gone. Booker and Scott humorously decide work together and I giggled, I admit it. Steiner eliminates Roode and Harris. Mesias enters and lays in the hard shots on Booker. Kaz almost gets eliminated then 30 seconds later gets gone for real as Nash enters and drops everybody. The lights go out and Abyss appears behind Mesias. Samoa Joe time gets interrupted by a Booker back elbow. Booker gets eliminated by Reigndust while he tries to eliminate Rellik. Angle tried to get the drop on Cage but got decked by Christian. Somewhere in here Rellik and then Reign got eliminated. Angle throws Cage into the ring post and he's down. Whoever the hell was left gets thrown out by Nash. Nash and Joe meet face to face in the center of the ring. Big Immobile offers his hand and Joe reluctantly accepts. Nash steps over the top rope and eliminates himself. Cage sneaks in and wins it with a rollup.

Winner: Christian Cage

AJ says he'll have his decision, and the right decision at that, at Final Resolution and kicks everybody out. FALSE FINISH~! Eh, should be good for some buys though. I can't complain too much I guess.

The last hard sell for Final Resolution and we're done.

Si!: Tomko is a badassss! Good wrestling.  Pretty fun show overall.

Ho!: AJ sinks to new levels of suck. Main event was ehh. Too many screwy rankings.

Fucked Up Moment of the Night: All I got is Steiner & Booker's secret handshake team up.

Pluggery, FTW!: Catherine Perez, co-winner of the allegedly prestigious TWF Writer of the Year Award and reason I'm even here doing miserably bad recaps of a miserably bad show brings the DEADFACE WALKING. Rejoice. SPEAKING OF TWF Writer of the Year, the 2007 FANNY AWARDS are right HERE! Jake Roberts survived to see 2008, Ricky Marvin & Kotaro Suzuki made me fans for life, ROH is on PPV and already better than TNA and WWE and dear god oh so much more. I hope you've got something better than dial up, because you gonna need it. James Swift does the one show consistently worse than TNA iMPACT! and makes it tolerable. Good for him. Read the goings on in the land of not so much with the EXTREME~! HERE. Rey couldn't win the US Title, but will get a shot at the World Title at the Royal Rumble? WTF is going on on SMACKDOWN!... ? Find out HERE.

Last Word: Like I have time to say anything here tonight...

(Dino) Sendoff: Well, another one in the books. A personal touch has been promised and here it is (though it isn't technically part of the recap)... I have a lifecast... or livecast, if you weeeeeell!, on justin.tv. You can now actually talk to me live when I'm around. We can talk wrestling or whatever else is on your mind. Yo, this has been Sweet Daddy Charley, and you know you like it quick & dirty.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).