TNA iMPACT! will never look the same to me, but we gotta do it anyway. And hey, at least it's not WWECW on Sci-Fi.

I'm not feeling my smartass mood really right now, a calming influence has befallen me and my poetic side is flowin', but I'll try my best to be cantankerous and cynical as I can about the proceedings. Either that or I can try to make everything rhyme. ;)

“You Will Never Forget Samoa Joe” is the title of tonight's episode. I guess somebody in TNA has to remember him.

Cornette is about to bust a freakin' coronary or something and sets Lethal vs. Machismo in a street fight and a world tag team title match a Big Bubba tip allows Team 3D to crash. So we're gonna have a 3(2)-way in the main event.

Tenay runs down some of the rest of the card.

Kevin Nash says it's clear to everyone Joe got screwed. Kev says we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Matt Morgan comes out and says nobody cares what “Grandaddy Cool” has to say. Big Bubba Matt runs down Nash randomly turns heel for no apparent reason (take a shot). He says get to steppin' or I'll make you old man. Nash chokes him and says never disrespect him again, and Big Bubba attacks from behind as he's leaving and beats on him until Joe leaps the rail and lays him out for the save.

Joe decides to do it the hard way and reads the episode title to us.

JB pimps these storyline forward pushing 2007 Awards and punches Kurt's logic in kidneys. Kurt tells AJ to get Tomko and The Olympic Hero will make him an offer he can't refuse. He is reluctant until Karen gets him alone for a minute and manz him up yo.

Cage respects Tomko's space and his choice to go it on his own and tells the Angle Alliance good luck in recruiting him.

Random Tag Team Match w/ Traci Brooks Post-Match Run-In- James Storm w/ Jackie and Robert Roode w/ Peyton Banks vs. Eric Young w/ Endless Fan Support and “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt w/ Tambourine of Destructive and Painful Loving...

Hey it's Roode & Young again. That was a fun never-ending feud huh? No? Okay then. Storm attacks EY from behind as Tenay thanks us for making last week's episode the most watched in TNA history. Roode has the advantage but Young gets a big Belly to Belly Suplex, before getting beat up some more. Kneedrop/Legdrop combo from Storm for two. EY fights back and hits a jawbreaker on Roode. Sonjay gets the hot tag and dropkicks Storm off the apron and makes Roode look stupid with his speed, finishing with a Lionsault for two that Storm breaks up. All for guys are in now and Dutt springboards to his doom once again, landing in front of a Storm Superkick. Payoff wins the day.

Winners: Robert Roode and James Storm

Ms. Brooks runs out and beats the shit outta Ms. Banks. Roode and Young have to separate them, and not without difficulty. Feisty.

Booker has nothing to say to Crystal.

Borash introduces TNA X-Division Wrestler of the Year as voted by the fans at their website... Black Machismo. So Cal Val cheers him and gives him a peck on the cheek that seems to perk up the unusually subdued Machismo. Jay Lethal takes of his glasses and bandana, allowing much-needed oxygen to reach his brain and speaks as himself. He says he's always come out for the fans and done his best, but he's lost his smile because of Team 3D. And he says Devine will get an ass beating. Okay, now was that really so bad?

Reign says he's done fuckin' around with Kaz. Joe comes by and knocks him out and Kaz walks up and steals his weapon and wig. Umm... okay. @_@

Shark Boy recap!

“Primetime” Elix Skipper vs. “Stone Cold” Shark Boy w/ Austin-esque Theme Music & Vest

Sharky starts on the attack and score the Thesz Press w/ mounted punches and Austin-style whatever drop. Elix gets a little O, but we're about Shark Boy here. Sharky stomps a mud hole in Elix. Okay, I was feeling that, and he's got Austin's mannerisms pretty much perfect. Elix botches some throw and gets two off of it. He goes up top and misses a legdrop. Sharky is up and Skipper is doubled over. Sharky foregoes the butt bite and turns him around and hits a Stunner!... which I will now call the Stingray, because I, uh, can. That's all she wrote and it's gonna be a chilly night in hell because the man they call Shark Boy (hehe) has just won a squash match.

Winner: “Stone Cold” Shark Boy

Sharky grabs a mic and channels Austin, using fish and otherwise aquatic puns in places to make it “his own”. That's the fishing line, 'cause Shark Boy said so. Classic. Sweet Daddy Charley happy. He even got the “what?” chant going. He tops off his celebration by downing a couple bottles of clam juice Austin-style. Anybody that shits on this (at least without seeing it first) has no sense of fun.

The only thing I won't buy in this fairly interesting new transformation is the Russo-ian logic of going from comatose and totally broken physically to 100% in a week. Other than that, this is straight up enter-freakin'-taining.

After that rather awesome awesomeness, Borash announces Gail Kim as the TNA Knockout of the Year. Gail Kim is sad too. Aww, poor Gail. She channels the AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels/Samoa Joe feud and Kong comes out to play Samoa Joe to Kim's AJ Styles (I think, memory blurry). The injured Gail fights valiantly but gets steamrolled pretty quick. She sets up the Awesome Bomb but ODB's music hits and Christopher Daniels' (Again, I may have these backwards; pretty sure I'm in the right storyline though) avatar in this crapola is into to make a rather tenuous save. She narrowly escapes her own Awesome Bomb and knocks Kongoa Joe with the floor with the last of three dropkicks.

Angle offers Tomko a spot in his Angle Alliance if he helps him. He then insults Tomko's wife and thereby honor and Tomko beats the shit out of him as we hit the break like a 20' Swanton onto a crash pad and Randy Orton. Ehh, it's a metaphor, and if the idiots who write the crap I have to watch can steal WWE shit, then so can I. Sweet Daddy Charley just revealed the plot point behind all the WWE references I use. Booyaka 619!

Tomko beats Kurturtle all the way to the ring as we come back from the break. Security has a hard time breaking up his assault on TNA World Heavyweight Champion in the ring, and the one-sided fight continues outside after Angle insists on calling Tomko's wife a slut again. Finally it is broken up for good and Angle demands a match with Tomko next week, because that's totally what you do against a guy that just beat the ever-loving shit out of you.

Brother Devine says he's cuts a decent promo, saying he's doing the talking tonight and is gonna show everyone (you'll see!) why he went to the darkside, the winning side. Now Brother Ray puts over Devon's jacked 305 pound frame and that they'll be bringin' home the tag team gold. He also says Crystal is flat-chested. Which makes me ask... So?!

Anonymous blond is fucken hot!

TNA X-Division Title Match Hardcore Streetfight- Johnny Divine w/ the Belt vs. Jay Lethal w/ the Title

Lethal beats Divine around the ring and posts him with a chair around his neck. Back inside Lethal DDTs Devine on a chair as we go to commercial.

Lethal continues the assault with a couple garbage can shots. Hiptoss/cartwheel dropkick combo + garbage can = nifty. Kendo stick shot leads to a Lethal Combination. Jay goes up top for a no doubt sketchy Lethal Elbow but Team 3D comes out and get crossbodied. Back inside Lethal waflles Devine with an unprotected chairshot, but Devon pulls the ref out and distracts Lethal while Ray sneaks around and drops him with the Kendo Stick. Giant Overstuffed Chibi Ray pulls Brother Devine on top of Lethal 4TW!

Winner: Brother Devine... which begs the question of whether or not the title actually changed hands in this match. Fuck You TNA!! Ah, I feel better now.

Post match Joe comes in and kills Devine with a Koquina Clutch.

Abyss hides behind his mask because he's ashamed of the blood that runs through him. He says Mitchell is his father, biologically only. He issues a challenge for a Barbed Wire Massacre match and I struggle to give a damn and ultimately fail to care about this absolute garbage any longer. If this fucking shit isn't up for the '07 Gooker, then it is a damn shame.

One of my all time fave pro basketball players Kendall Gill is in the ring and pimps Pros vs. Joes and announces Booker T Joins TNA as the Most Memorable Moment of 2007.

We're now a perfect 3 for 3 in depressed and upset award recipients. Booker blames himself, and this hurts worse than all his injuries, and he loves his (LOVELY) wife, and is more concerned with her than wrestling just yet.

Roode comes on one of the screens overlooking the iMPACT! Zone and says he couldn't believe Booker accepted his challenge and that it's T's own fault for letting his wife get in harm's way. The Prick named Bob tells Booker to go home to his (LOVELY) wife. And oozing sleaze, he adds to giver hr his best. Bobby at his slimeball best. Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime is a really good game btw.

BG says he's gonna take it easy and maybe even go on vacation (I assume that's what he meant by vay-cay anyway) during the three weeks before he and his dad Bullet Bob go for the tag titles at whatever the next pay-per-view is. Bullet Bob has other plans though and says they're gonna train boot camp style. BG is left to whine about being dragged into something against his will again, as he's been doing pretty much every single angle (quite possibly Karen included lulz) he's been in ever since the buildup to the eventual breakup of the 3/4Live Kru. Good times... good FUCKING times.

Rock & Rave Infection w/ Christy Hemme and Literal Rock Band... err Guitar Hero Interpretation of the Gimmick vs. Tiger Mask and Curry Man *giddiness*

Curry man gets a big pop and it's time for me to mark... the... fuck... out. The man can make an entrance, that's for damn sure. Hoyt eats a kick combination from Tiger Mask but gets him with a shoulderblock. Rave is in and does his usual run into beating. He who is hot, spicy and tastes great makes the tag and goes to town until Hoyt stops the onslaught of yummeh. And dancing. Rave gets a Shining Wizard on Curry. Curry gets out of trouble with a spicy tag! Rave doesn't enjoy the tilt-a-while backbreaker though. Very dry and bitter. BUTTERFLY SUPERPLEX by Tiger Mask only gets two on Rave. Tiger Mask's PELE~! gets a rather minimal response from Tenay & West, who don't even bother to refer to it as such. Don't insult my intelligence you chucklefucks. I just wanted to say chucklefucks and say I wanted to say chucklefucks to pad this particular match's recap, because Curry Man is just worth it. Chucklefuck! Disjointedness happens leaving Hoyt on the outside. Tiger Kamen jumps out onto Hoyt and gets caught and slammed outside as Curry man hits the Spicy Drop. Hoyt stops the pin, but Tiger Mask helps Curry Man dodge a big boot. Hoyt gets sent to the floor and Splashed from the top by Curry Man. Tiger Mask hits a Diving Headbutt on Jimmy Rave for the pin.

Winners: Tiger Mask and Curry Man!

Brock Lesnar UFC debut vid package training thing shown, with testimonials!

The TNA of MVP... umm, MVP of TNA is... Samoa Joe? Uhh... *gurgle* Guess what, he's a sad catbus too. Well, he's more pissed really. But still, 4 for 4 on with unhappy and/or dissatisfied winners. That means I win Fire Pro Wrestling Returns! Go SDC~!

Joe says the fans have spoken. But TNA doesn't seem to be get it, because Jojo has no tittle shot. Borash said he had one awhile back but Kurtiss beat Jotaro. Joe agrees, but clotheslines the nerdiness out of JB anyway. Joely destroys the trophy and Cornette says you better knock that shit off you big grouch or no cookies for you. {Future Me: Can you tell how fucked up I am at this point? THIIIIIIIIS much... mweeheehee @_<} Nash stops Joe from killing Cornette and Jim says yeah he got screwed, but it happens. He offers Joey Special Enforcer privileges and a title at whatever March's pay-per-view is. I think it's Destination X, but hey, it'll have to be called something else if Macho Jay and The 'Guns lose. Nashley whispers in his ear and then licks it, which would be funny if it were true.  Joe demands to hear the cha-ching with a 5 year contract that is worth 15% more than Angle's per year and he might fall in line. Cornette asks for time to think and Joeneko wouldn't mind but the crowd wants to know now.  Cornette reluctantly agrees because he so totally has that kinda power. Joseph Big Immobile high five and I'm confused, but I've got Fire Pro Wrestling Returns coming so I'm aces, though broke as fuck with $20 and not so much with the food to survive till February.

Hey guess what, a tag team in TNA is fighting amongst themselves. Yeah, the champs. Whaddya mean you don't care?

TNA World Tag Team Championship Three Way Match- Team 3D vs The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Tomko and AJ Styles w/ Karen Angle

Deep armdrags by Sabin and he keeps hold of the. Rock Bottom for two by Ray. Styles tags himself in and continues to work over Sabin and eventually eats a Tornado DDT by Sabin. Tomko makes the save and gets rid of pretty much everybody while Brother Ray beats on Styles. Tomko gets knocked out of the ring by Ray but eats a springboard forearm from AJ. AJ flips out onto both members of the MCMG. Karen distracts Ray outside but he throws AJ at her and she gets laid out. AJ tags out and leaves Tomko to take Karen to the back. 3D-B on Tomko as we head into the break.

Devon misses the Flying Headbutt from the top and Tomko reigns punches from on high in the corner until Ray stops him. Dudley Doomsday Device! The Machine Guns roll over everybody and Tomko hits a possibly legit Closeline from Hell on Devon to retain the titles. Again, it's the goatee.

Winners: Tomko and... the hell with AJ Styles. Tomko agrees with me. He pie faces Styles when he runs back to the ring and hugs him post-match.

What you just saw the last two hours in 30 seconds... You mean I could've just watched this? Shit!!

Si 4 Life: CURRY MAN~!!!!111 Curry Man's ENTRANCE!!!!!!! Tiger Mask! OMG Shark Boy was in a squash match and WON~! Shark Boy is getting push, so what if it's as Stone Cold? The Rock & Rave Infection take their gimmick literally (The Rock part, not the Infection part... though I guess only Lance Hoyt, Christy Hemme and their doctors knows for sure of that's an accurate statement). I'm down with that. Enough reasons to mark out to keep the show from tanking. Tomko pwns all.

Ehh... aka The Nonexistent Crowd Reaction to Si/Ho Tag Team: Didn't seem like much wrestling, but plenty of physical confrontations to try and make up for it. You decide if it was good or bad. I'm too damn tired.

Ho 4 Life: What's with all the rehashes? Losing smiles, Stone Cold Shark Boy, Awesome Kong is Samoa Joe in the retelling of his honor breaking X-Division destruction in Knockouts form featuring Gail Kim as AJ Styles and ODB as Christopher Daniels. Hell, the guy that lost his smile is a freakin' Randy Savage rehash, awesome though he is. Big Bubba Morgan's completely out of left field random and pointless heel turn. This also fully realizes his rehash of Big Bubba Rogers. Next Elevation X Match, he's gonna miss catching Jim Cornette as he falls from the scaffold, I just know it. End this Abyss retardedness immediately. And I honestly can't say that I care if the X-Division goes away or not, outside of wanting to see Ray & Devon try to drop down to 275 lbs. More teams that hate each other to not care about.

TNAWTF (The not necessarily bad kind; the bad kind go in the WWE Divas... ho section)?!: Have to go with Joe KO-ing Black Reign & Kaz stealing more of his shit. You don't suppose Kaz is gonna end up transforming into Black Reign now do you? Ruh-roh... shouldn't have opened my big... uhh, keyboard?

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: Tomko was a beast!

Pluggery, FTW!: On RAW is rainbow hair Jeffy, the HD era hits... and you're a bastard? Sorry, couldn't think of anything clever to say. I had the wrong link last week, btw. Though I think Jeff Hardy did prove my Russian Roulette analogy quite nicely. WWECW hits a new low. Like you're not used to that. If SMACKDOWN! Is up before this, the link to that goes here. Sean covers the infamous and lame as shit BLACK SATURDAY. Egads man. And Harry Simon's 'SHMAZZ, brings the end of WCW and the final Monday Nitro. I'm sad now, because watching WCW die was still more fun than most anything WWE has EVER turned out. Sean also brings the 2007 ROYAL RUMBLE. Go him. No Deadface for you ungrateful shits. :P Nobody actually reads this I don't think... so I can call nonexistent readers ungrateful shits as long as I mean it in the nicest way possible, right Sean? Oh and ignore the fact that you claim to read this  before it gets posted and therefore technically count as a reader... ummm, wow... this is coming out bad on so many levels... I think I'll just shut up now... >.>

(Dino) Sendoff: We made it through another edition of TNA iMPACT! with our sanity still iN TACT! Well, whatever there was that left of it before the night began, somehow, pretty much remains. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, crushin' on a beautiful and talented no chance in hell.

Recap of last week's tomfoolery.

“A Fish Out of Water” is tonight's episode title. (Future Me: All eyes... and terrible fish puns, on Shark Boy!)

The Angle Alliance is here and in celebration mode. Eric Young comes in to be a bother and they lock him in their limo.

Black Machismo & The Motor City Machine Guns are out and they've got somethin' to say. Shelley says Team 3D had a challenge for the Motor City Machismo Guns. He says they could be tag team champs and Macho Jay has beaten Kurt Angle and he could be WHC. And then he goes on about changing the X-Division and something about a 275 lb weight limit and weigh-ins every week that is really convoluted sounding.

Out is Team 3D and Brother Devine. Brother Ray finally wins me over with his mic skills, colorfully saying what great shape he and Devon are in. It seems that the weight limit is not for the X-Division title, but for Team 3D, but I have no fucking idea to be honest. Nobody seems to want to explain it, so whatever then. Team 3D & Devine come down to the ring to shake on it to make it official. Then the X-Division thugs attack them as they go to peacefully walk away. Assholes. Big Bubba Morgan leads the security dipshits in to action to break it up.

Abyss says the secret will be revealed over his dead body. And if it gets revealed then it will be the end of “Father” (HIIIIIIIINT~!) James Mitchell and Judas Mesias.

Shark Boy's series of unfortunate events is recapped.
Shark Boy Update #1- Shark Boy is comatose and lots of fish puns are made by his doctor, Dr. Fishman. The nurse is called Nurse Bass. His room looks like an aquarium. Shark Boy's family wear Shark masks too. WTF?!?!

Unbilled as But Still Technically Champion Vs. Champion Match (Such as it Is...)- ½ of the TNA World Tag Team Champions Tomko vs. TNA Beer Drinking Champion Eric Young

EY doesn't come out of his vortex when the music hits. Cut to the limo and a bunch of people trying to help Eric. He finally escapes the Angles' limo with help from Sonjay Dutt, who tells him that he can unlock the door from the inside. Something to that effect anyway.

Once the match starts, Young plays around and gets powerslammed. Tomko wrenches the neck and then puts on a chinlock that EY turns into a Death Valley Driver! Holy crap, I approve. He misses a Lionsault though. Tomko kills him with a clothesline and picks up the win.

Winner: Tomko

0 for 1 on matches ending with normal finishers.

Post match James Storm hits the Eye of the Storm as Tomko stares on. Storm offers him a beer and he accepts and toasts, then kicks Storm hard and tosses him over the top rope and to the floor. He then grabs a fallen beer and and the TNA Beer Drinking Championship belt and lifts up EY and hands them to him. Outside James Storm is not amused.

Christian Cage talks up Tomko being his own man and says AJ stabbed him in the back. He says Samoa Joe is fighting because he wants more money and AJ wants to protect Angle and disses Karen. He's gonna walk out as the #1 Contender.

Crystal takes Dustin Rhodes to Black Reign's workshop and he spazzes out while Crystal runs away, leaving Dustin to die or get painted up & evil or something.

ODB vs. Angelina Love

ODB starts off on the attack to a chant in her honor and is in total control until Love dodges the second rope Thesz press. Jaw breaker thing by Angie gets two. Knee lift and bicycle kick gets another near fall. Clothesline by ODB and a running powerslam ends this match.

Winner: ODB

0 for 2 on matches ending with normal finishers.

ODB gets on the stick and says Kong has beaten everyone, but not her. She says how bout we hook it up at Against All Odds. She says she likes getting' whupped once in awhile (wha?), but Kong won't whup her. She says she isn't just another pretty face, and Tenay says there's her T-shirt catchphrase. DW's funny quips are rubbing off on The Professor. Okay then...

Kevin Nash talks to Samoa Joe.

Wow, that was an old ass Tobasco Sauce commercial. Still probably the best commercial we'll see all night though.  Exploding mosquitoes FTW~!

Shark Boy Update #2- Chris Harris complains and LAX steal stuff, because suddenly they're Cryme Tyme apparently. LAME~!!!

Senshi vs. Kaz w/ Marlena the rat

Senshi starts with hard rights but Kaz fights back but misses the end of his kick combination and takes a rolling kick to the head from Senshi, then a headbutt. Hard kicks in the corner and huge dropkicks by the outgoing Senshi-sional one. Waistlock on the mat but Kaz escapes into a knee. Senshi is killing him. Single leg dropkick by Kaz. Second rope legdrop for a near fall. Bicycle kick knocks Senshi down in the corner. He then connects with the Jeff Hardy-style corner dropkick. Kaz gets the Wave of the Stupidly Named Move Future. Hey, he used his finisher. No more counting... :(

Winner: Kaz... no, look out behind you! Ooh... that probably hurt.

Black Reign nails Kaz with his weapon of choice and goes to the rat cage, but Misty/Marlena isn't there. He goes crazy and blasts Kaz with the cage and beats him up until security drags him away.

James Mitchell is sinister and ominous about the secret.

Prince AJ asks Tomko if he should take the title shot or give Kurt two months off. Tomko says decide for yourself little buddy.

Lance Hoyt w/ Jimmy Rave vs. Abyss w/ chain

Chain > Jimmy Rave methinks. Abyss looks for Mitchell and overpowers Big Lance but eats an elbow in the corner. Big body slam by Abyss. Big splash in the corner. He removes the ring of it's Rock Infection and when Jimmy interferes, the Rave Infection is removed too. I'd make a Lita joke, but I'm far too classy for that. Allegedly. Anyway Mitchell comes out for a second. Abyss still pretty much squashes Hoyt though, and gets another shot on little brother Rave when he tries to interfere again. Well, no, Hoyt got a sketchy looking something and missed a moonsault, then CHRIS gets the Black Hole Slam for the duke. But damn it sure was over quick.

Winner: Abyss... well, give it a minute, then not so much.

Mitchell commandeered a camera man during the match and is somewhere in the back and reveals he is the CHRIS' father while the cam repeatedly cuts to Abyss in the ring in various stages of panic, which is kinda funny.

Abyss goes crazy and runs away.

Robert Roode w/ Peyton Banks vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Sonjay gooses So Cal Val when she won't kiss him. Roode overpowers Sonjay but eats drop toe hold and a couple of dropkicks. He flips out onto Bobby. Peyton grabs Guru's leg before he can get back in the ring. Roode levels him with a running forearm. Ms. Brooks is out as we head into the break.

Guru keeps fighting but eats a spinebuster. He gets that kick in the corner and a clothesline off the second rope, then a springboard crotch to the face for two. He goes springboard again but Roode knocks the ropes out from under him and he hits the mat face first. The Payoff finishes it.

Brooks comes into the ring lookin' for a fight, and takes a little damage from Peyton but gets back into it, hits a spear and beats the stuffing out of Ms. Banks before Bobby drags her off and gets bitch slapped by his former, uhh, yeah. Brooksie goes back on the attack before Bobby gets back to his feet and holds her so his stalker can slap the shit out of her. Big Bubba Matt Morgan makes the save before Peyton can use the boots.

Shark Boy Update #3- Velvet and Angelina show up for even more stupidity and dirty old men.

Karen dubs AJ the “Prince of Phenomenal”. Apparently that is supposed to mean he's going to forego the the title shot so Kurtle (note to self: must photoshop this someday) can have two months off of title defenses if he wins.

Kip is pissed off and Roxxi looks sad and BG looks like an overworked and underappreciated parent as they head to the ring.

Kip complains about handing BG the title shot and getting shut out of said shot. BG says shut the hell up. He says he's been blessed. He says he has had a hero since he was knee high to a grasshopper. Wow, that's old school right there. He's been wrestling all his adult life to provide for his family. BG says he wants to team with the baddest man he's ever known. He's proud to introduce us to his partner, his father, Bullet Bob Armstrong. Everybody hugs. Happy happy happy.

Update #4- Eric Young says Sharky's gotta keep fighting and speaks of fighting fishes like Nemo and Jaws and Spongebob and stuff. Shark Boy opens his eyes, sits up, and speaks... like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Umm... what in the fucking hell?

Kurt Angle plugs Global iMPACT! and his title defense against Yuji Nagata. That's coming up next btw.

Jim Cornette is with Scott Steiner and Petey Williams and sells Scott on the X-Division. Steiner takes back his X-Division title shot enthusiastically and Cornette tells Petey he could bring a tear to a glass eye.

Winner: Fast Talking Southerners!

Main Event #1 Contender's Elimination Match- AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage

Cage goes crazy on AJ, then Joe beats on him too. Double back body drop. That leaping knee thing to Cage's face. Styles pulls Cage out and blasts him. Joe goes for a suicide dive but AJ gets back in the ring and Joe stops himself. Styles goes for one, but gets kicked an the head. Christian is up top and flies. Joe casually walks out of the way and AJ gets dropped. Joe gets the suicide dive this time and we got us a commercial.

Back with Joe beating up AJ. He drops Cage on AJ and does his kick/kneedrop combo. Joe & Cage clothesline each other. HUGE springboard forearm by AJ to Cage. He sets up the rarely used Styles Clash but Cage maneuvers it into a Texas Cloverleaf by Cage on Styles. He sees Joe coming back into the ring and goes over to him and gets kicked in the head. The Muscle Buster gets countered and Joe gets the Clutch partially applied. Somewhere around here the ref gets mildly bumped. AJ gutshots Joe with a chair and straight up lays out Cage with it then Joe kicks it into his face. Stupid referee Rudy Charles sees Joe drop the chair out of the ring and both other guys down and disqualifies Joe. Joe is pissed and threatens Rudy outside the ring and Matt Morgan gets involved again. Nash comes down and gets between them. Haha, Joe did take out a security guy though. That was funny. Commercial!

Inverted DDT blocked momentarily by Cage, but he eats it anyway after AJ rakes the eyes. AJ goes crazy with the punches. Chop fight and AJ hits the best Double A Spinebuster EVER for a near fall. In fact, I'm going to start calling it a Double AJ Spinebuster whenever anybody hits that. It was seriously that good. Flying forearm corner charge dodged and Cage turns AJ inside out with a clothesline. Cage misses a Frog Splash. PELE OUT OF NOWHERE~!1111111111 West said it EXACTLY the way people make fun of him for doing it, which rarely ever happens. Trippy. Super top rope back body drop by AJ. I approve. Spiral Tap misses. Wow... Christian gets two. Christian leaps from the top onto AJ's knees. AJ talks shit as he goes for an Unprettier on Cage. Cage reverses and hits his own to take the win and the #1 Contendership for Kurt Angle's TNA World Heavyweight Title.

Winner: Christian Cage

Musical recap and the show is over home slice.

Except it's not. See, there was only one match on Global iMPACT!, but it was a doosy, and in doing right by y'all, I simply must recap this excellent 4 star gem right freakin' now.

The Tokyo Dome is awesome btw.

Fake IWGP World Heavyweight Championship Match- Kurt Angle © vs. Yuji Nagata

Angle attacks before the bell but Nagata fights back, but runs into an overhead belly to belly. Nagata gets one of his own though, and Angle ducks a Shining Wizard attempt and ducks out to catch his breath. The trade headlock takeovers. Drop toe hold and Nagata goes for the Crossface. Angle escapes. They are countering everything and Angle takes some hard kicks but Nagata misses the one meant for Angle's face. Nagata puts Kurt in a sleeper. Angle takes out Nagata's knee and Yuji rolls out. The fight outside and once back in Kurt works over the leg. Figure Four. Nagata tries to roll it over twice, but can't get it. Finally he makes it to the ropes, and Angle works the leg some more. Nagata kicks his way out of another submission-type move with his good leg and gets a serious armbar on Kurt. Man, Mr. Nagata's facial expressions are something to behold. Commercial.

Angle rolls up some Germans on Nagata. T-Bone from Nagata gets two. Two of three amigos, or whatever they call amigos in Japanese. I'm an ignorant American and do not know. :/ Angle escapes the last one but Nagata locks in the Crossface. Angle escapes into the Ankle Lock. Nagata reverses back into the Crossface. Angle rolls it back to the Ankle Lock. Nagata kicks out of it and gets the Crossface back on and Angle gets it into the Olympic Slam for two. Angle misses the moonsault and takes a belly to belly from the top rope. Somewhere around here Nagata did that badass running knee in the corner, and it looked hella awesome. Maybe just seeing it clearly for once. Youtube is blurreh shit yo. Nagata gets the Crossface back on AGAIN! Nagata turns it into a different submission and nearly gets a pin out of it. They trade forearms, punches, and European uppercuts and basically just knock the shit out of each other like total badasses. Nagata kicks Angle but eats clothesline but comes back with another belly to belly suplex. He misses another kick that would've taken Angle's head off and Angle gets the Ankle Lock and Grapevines it to finally get the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Tenay runs through the huge names Kurt Angle has beaten and adds Yuji Nagata to the list as the two shake hands and embrace.

That's pretty much it. I'm going to have to pick this show up on DVD when it comes out.

Si: Amazing main event. The show was based around Shark Boy! Hella good Austin impersonation by Sharky. The Global iMPACT! AJ Styles was a beast in a losing effort and played the cocky heel to a T (not Booker). Between James Mitchell's badass tone and repeated shots of Abyss panicking in the ring, the reveal of the big secret was made relatively easy to swallow. Thank you for the effort guys, it was necessary. The heartfelt promo and introduction of Bullet Bob Armstrong as his tag team partner for the TNA World Tag Team Title shot by BG James.

From Global iMPACT!: Kurt Angle vs. Yuji Nagata Fake IWGP World Title Match was outstanding. It was quite interesting seeing Tomko take the subway to the gym, following his routine, the day before the show. Also the fact that he can speak some Japanese is cool.

Ho: The revelation that Mitchell is Abyss' father itself is pretty stupid. Shark Boy update #2 and #3 were crap. When the hell did LAX become Cryme Tyme? And I dunno about Bullet Bob making a comeback, perhaps since I don't despise Kip's in-ring ability as much as some people, though I enjoyed the moment itself, as stated above.

Fucked Up Moment of the Night: Stone Cold Shark Boy. Apparently shoving thermometers up his ass isn't smart btw.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: AJ Styles for his badass, cocky, spirited, and downright show-stealing in-ring performance for the second half of the main event. Phenomenal.

Random Wrestling Related Transcendent Moment: Listening to a beautiful woman singing a heartfelt song live while you are watching Fire Pro Wrestling Returns footage is straight up mindblowing. I highly recommend it.

Pluggery, FTW!: Catherine Perez brings the greatness every week in DEADFACE WALKING. At FINAL RESOLUTION two badasses fought over a the services of an incompetent boob. Oh, and there may have a been a title on the line too. Get RAW right here. Sean gets stuck with WWECW this week. How much more can alcohol poisoning can his liver take? One has to wonder if he should be allowed to make any jokes Jake Roberts' sobriety's expense?

(Dino) Sendoff: Mercifully, I am done. Until we meet again, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and I've got a crush on someone unattainable to me (on an obscene number of levels) to tend to.