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by Charley Martin

Hey hey, this your boy Charley, ready (sort of) to bring you a brand spankin' new recap of TNA iMPACT! Since I'm pretty sure I'm not missing Bathtub Poetry for this, you get a me in a pretty good mood, though by the time this night ends, I'm sure I'll be nice and belligerent, judging by the little bit of spoilerage I've come into contact with.

Rantrolla armed, stomach full, bladder empty. Lets rock this roll!

Dramatic recap of last week. Pshew!

Earlier today, Kurt and Karen begged Nash for forgiveness and offer him an autographed photo of Kurt Angle (BFF!) as a piece offering. Kev says he'll be at ringside for their match because he wants to see Sting kick Angle's ass.

Card is pimped and though it needs no hype according to Tenay, the rematch for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship will undoubtedly be brought up every 7-16 seconds all night long. Sure enough, before our first match even starts, Don West blurts out his approval of such a momentous throwing away of money and devaluing of TNA's #1 pay-per-view.

Voodoo Kin Mafia w/ The Voodoo Queen and The TNA World Tag Team Champions AJ Styles & Tomko vs. LAX and The Steiner Brothers

Styles and Homicide start us off and AJ gets a headlock (if headlocks count and you want alcohol poisoning, take a shot) and shoulder block, but Homicide gets a big hiptoss and armdraggery, with a headlock takeover (take a shot) at the end. Rick Steiner is in and so is Kip James, in the gayest attire he has ever wrestled in, and ZOMFG that is saying something. Rick gets the better of their encounter and Scott Steiner is in now to a nice pop and gets a shoulder block on BG James. BG with the punch combo, but he gets laid out with a clothesline that for old time's sake we'll call a Steinerline. Elbow drop by Scott and Kip kicks him in the head as does his push-ups. The advantage is short-lived though as Big Poppa Pump gets a big belly to belly out of the corner for two. Hernandez and Tomko exchange hard punches and chops with Tomko winning. Tomko runs into a big Hernandez dropkick. Back suplex by Hernandez and an elbow drop from the second rope, NOT top rope Tenay, by Homicide. Tomko with a clothesline and Homicide is about to play Ricky Morton as we fade to commercial.

Back and Homicide ducks a clothesline and tags in Hernandez who hits a slingshot shoulder block on Kip & BG. He tosses VKM around a bit and it all breaks down from here with the Steiners taking Tomko and Styles outside. Roxxi spits something in Hernandez' face and Kip hits the Fameasser for two. The ref is otherwise indisposed as a Latino Nation member Homicide doesn't recognize gives him a slapjack (sock with something hard in it?) He lays out Kippy (I think) with it and Hernandez makes the pin.

Winners: LAX and The Steiners

Sting says Kurt put his hands on his son and he asks if what Kurt would do if someone put their hands on his children and tells him he'll tear him limb from limb (Charley of the FUTURE: Store this promo in your memory bank. You'll have use for it later.). Karen says now what dumb fuck and Mr. Olympic Superhero tells his wife to go seduce Kevin and if he bites, it's just once, and Kurt will get over it soon enough. Karen is disgusted and pissed, shoves Kurtis and leaves. Ahh, vintage Russo lowbrow controversial retardedness. I hardly missed yeh. In fact I'd be quite pleased if I never had to see it again.

James Storm and Jackie Moore are out, then Eric Young and Tenay thinks this is the night he'll get over on the pyro, but it actually knocks him down tonight. Young psyches up and goes into the ring as we go to commercial.

Fight for the Right Quarterfinal Match- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore & beer vs. “Showtime” Eric Young

Young offers a handshake but gets an eye rake instead. Headlock (take a shot... I hope you are drinking something weak, because we are JUST GETTING STARTED) and shoulder block by Storm and some dodgery-do. Young scores a dropkick, a bodyslam, and mounted punches in the corner, then confidently struts Jeff Jarrett-style with Storm's hat (wtf? out of character much?), before getting chased around the ring. Jackie stops EY before he can get back into the ring and EY eats a dropkick on the apron. Storm gets a DDT through the ropes for two. Ed Leslie High Knee by Storm and he chokes the downed Young with a boot. Chinlock (take a shot... are you drunk yet?) and EY tries to fight out but gets slammed down by the hair. EY with a textbook belly to belly suplex. Storm hits an Enzuigiri and Back Cracker for two. EY throws him from the ropes and scores with a picture perfect Death Valley Driver for two. Jackie is on the apron and he goes to give her a high five, peaking back to see where Storm is. He see Storm coming and dodges, leaving Jackie to get hit with a clothesline. Storm checks on her and rolls out to the floor. EY goes to check on her and Storm sneaks up from behind. Super Kick by Storm FTW!

Winner: James Storm... and after you read the post match shenanigans, sportsmanship!

After the match Jackie goes to offer EY a beer (it sort of looks like she's offering food to a wild animal, not helped by Eric's cautiously accepting it response), but Storm takes it away from her. After Jackie yells at him some, he tosses the beer to Young in the ring, who proceeds to drink rather hamster-like, and heads off to the face vortex, continuing to gulp it down like that. That was odd, but kinda cool a little bit not really well maybe.

Karen asks Borash how she looks as he drools at her boobies. She slaps him gently, almost lovingly, and calls him a perv. They go in and she tries to seduce Nash, and it appears to be working, but Kev drops her on the couch and says maybe ten years ago, but she's an Angle, so no dice. He sends her away and Borash asks if he's okay. He says nothing a cold shower can't fix. End.

Mike Tenay is with Team 3D. Devon talks(!), saying they've been on the short end end of the stick time & time again and they are sick of it. Ray says the X-Division is dead meat and they're a bunch of little punks and Team 3D is what it's all about and they're gonna take 'em out because they can. I vote for having Devon be the mouthpiece and Ray shutting the fuck up from now on. It seems their newfound hatred for the X-Division stems from Shelley & Sabin costing them their match with the Steiners at Bound For Glory, as the Motor City Machine Guns are stars of the X-Division. Holy shit... It actually kinda makes sense a little bit. O.O

The Guru collects money from the crowd in his tambourine as he comes down the aisle. This is the gimmick to get if your an indy wrestler, methinks. One where you can collect a lil cash on the side. Makes up for the overall patheticness of the gimmick you'd be saddled with. Shark Boy is held together with bandages (and a neck brace still) and the other two don't even get entrances.

4-Way X-Division Match w/ Predictable Team 3D Pwnage and Me Being Pissed Off About It- “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt vs. Shark Boy vs. Petey Williams w/o entrance vs. Havok w/ kendo stick & w/o entrance

Petey & Sharky with double hiptoss to Pearl Harbor job failing Havok. Kendo Stick > Kamikaze Pilots... I'm such an ass. Dutt with senton and backflip splash combo. Guru hugs Petey and Sharky and pays for it double time. Havok takes out Sharky and then hits a nifty cutter variation on Petey. Headscissors by Sonjay to Havok and he's out the floor. Sonjay goes to leap onto him but gets dragged away. Slingshot headscissors to Havok on the floor by Petey. Crossbody to Petey & Havok by Sharkleson. Asai moonsault to all three by Sonjay.

Team 3D comes out while everybody is down on the outside and attacks.

Winner: No Contest... NO-FUCKING-BODY!!!

Loser(s): Petey Williams and Havok... it seems they are lower on the card than freaking SHARK BOY now.

Ray uses Havok's kendo stick to hit everybody. 3D to The Guru. Spiky belt to the nuts for Sharky and to Havok's back. Random whippings for Havok and Petey. Time for tables. Havok and Petey Williams get powerbombed through the tables.

Robert Roode says he blasted Joe because it was business. He says he's tired of the same old shit atop the card. He figured taking out the top dog was the only way to go. He's pissed off about Fatu not knowing his name and calling him a jabroni. He succeeds in making me not care really hard.

Ooh, a tale of the tape for the title match, fancy. Angle is out and Karen follows. Now Sting. TNA burns money and makes their biggest pay-per-view less important in one shot that is happening before the end of the first hour... it's not even the main event?! FUCK!! Borash introduces the ref and combatants and here we go.

World Heavyweight Championship Match- Kurt Angle w/ Karen Angle vs. Sting w/ the gold

Kurt ducks out as their about to lock up. Sting with a clean break in the corner... uhhrmm. Angle gets a headlock (take a shot) and quick one count off a shoulder block. Hard shoulder blocks and a side headlock takeover (take a shot) and another (take a shot) by Sting... err. Another shoulder block and Sting is back to the headlock (take a shot if your still alive) and keeps him in it. Angle misses a corner charge and we're back too yet another headlock takeover (you know the drill... but you might be too incoherent now, so, take a shot), because that's just what a blood feud calls for. Back suplex by Angle. European uppercut knocks Sting down. Hard shots in the corner by Kurty makes Tenay get overexcited. Another uppercut lands but Stinger gets the ol' Double-A Spinebuster and then a snap suplex for two. Sting drops 10 punches and Nash is out to watch as we go to commercial. This is a great old school type of match, but it just seems so out of place for a blood feud like this. :/

Back and an overhead belly to belly by Angle. During the break Kurt threw Sting outside & shit. DDT off an Angle Slam attempt by Stinger. Both men are down. At eight Sting dodges a clothesline and hits Angle with a mess of his own clotheslines, finally knocking him to the outside. Sting presses the attack but Angle knock the champ onto Nash's lap. Sting spins around and sucker punches Nash for some no doubt stupid and quite possibly convoluted reason. Stinger Splash connects but he misses a second one and eats German. Tombstone by Angle countered to one by Sting, but Angle escapes and gets the ankle lock. Sting rolls through and eventually gets Kurt down and in the Scorpion Death Lock. Nash is up on the apron, and Sting attacks him. Angle attacks Sting, Nash stiff and unathletically falls to the floor and down goes the ref. FUCK YOU BOOKER DUSTY RHODES!!! Angle Slam and Hebner out of nowhere is in like he was waiting for it to happen to count the pinfall.

Winner: Kurt Angle... or is he? Meh, probably.

Kev gets to his feet and enters the ring. Angle extends his hand, but when Nash goes to shake it, Kurt flips him off, or makes his hand into an equally offensive glowy ball, then runs away ala Hornswoggle. After a few seconds Nash gives chase.

The refs argue and Cornette is out and steps in between them. Commercial time.

We're back and ref #3 is out and trying to separate them too. James E demands they return to his office to explain their positions. As they head to the back, Tenay wants to know what is going from Cornette. Jim gets up in his grill and tells His Facialness to back the hell off and do your job and shut up. Iron Mike is bristling with anger as we get set for our next match.

Angel Williams vs. Awesome Kong (T.T) w/ Gail Kim picture

Angel jumps on the massive, scary woman's back and locks in a sleeper, but Kong flips her over easily. Mike Tenay is pissed about being disrespected by Cornette and goes to the back to tell him what's what. Enzuiguri, something, and a bicycle kick by Angel W. No sale. Clothesline, and a big chokebomb. Angel delays the inevitable with a jawbrecker, but a back fist and a sick Better-Than-Batista Bomb and it's all over but the wanking.

Winner: Awesome Kong

In the back some-fucking-where, Abyss is destroying Black Reign's workshop. Reign comes in with the blindside as James Mitchell pops up randomly from the background to talk shit as the beatdown ensues. Spiky weapon thing to the head. No blood... odd. You'd think... oh fuck it. This is the least of my concerns about tonight's show. Abyss gets his head squished in an actual vice. Reign puts Misty the rat on Abyss' screaming head. Ah well, at least Dustin's alter creepo didn't lick the rat this time.

Nash is in the office and demands a match with Angle and Big Bubba Morgan has to step in between them. The refs and Tenay are there as well. Cornette says he'll deal with it after the title situation, and goes on to say Nash's presence at ringside caused most of the problems to begin with.

Roode makes Ms. Brooks sit down & shut up. Fatu is out to a nice pop and dances. Christian Cage is down with a ladder and joins Down West to call the action.

Fight for the Right Quarterfinal Match- Robert “I'm not Rick Rude!” Roode w/ Ms. Brooks vs. Junior Fatu... I guess this your main event... FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fatu overpowers Roode. Headlock (take a shot) by Bobby but Fatu shoulder blocks him down. Cage wants to challenge Fatu to a ladder match if he wins. Roode with chops and kicks and Fatu is on offense. Headbutt by Roode staggers the big man for a second. Roode narrowly, and I mean NARROWLY, escapes well over 400 pounds landing on his face. That could have been really bad, I think he actually grazed Roode, who looked genuinely freaked out for second. He snaps Junior's neck forward but eats Savate Kick a few seconds later. Roode stops the Bonzai Drop with his knees and hits a DDT as we go to our last break, with probably a Saw 4 commercial... like every other commercial break tonight.

Back to it with Roode continuing the attack and hits a pop-worthy and received Blockbuster. Robert chokes Fatu on the ropes, but eats Samoan Drop when the big man gets to his feet. Fists from Fatu and that chokeslam for two. Nice DDT by Fatu for two. Ref gets squished when Roode ducks out of the corner. Savate kick and Bobby falls on the ref in the corner. Much to Ms. Brooks and a woman in the front row's hilarious horror, it's Stinkface time! Roode comes to quickly and is pissed. He gets a low blow on the big man. He pushes Ms. Brooks off the chair and takes it. Samoa Joe is out and yoinks the chair before the spoiled rich kid can use it and proceeds to waffle him with it. Fatu Driver FTW.

Winner: The Sultan (Look it up)

DW sums it up perfectly. This whole night has been insane. Iron Mike and Cornette are down. Kurt Angle will remain champion. Angle will defend the title in a tag team match. Kevin Nash and Kurt Angle will team against Sting and... the lights go out, and Sting is in the hizzouse. Sting says he'll choose his own partner and Kurtle won't come out of Genesis as champ.

Recap to Bro-Kin and we're in the clear. TNA iNSANITY! over for another week.

Put Over: Superb wrestling as always. The many faces of Mike Tenay.

Bury: The racist fuck who thought the Angles and Kevin Nash should have an alliance. Team 3D's war with the X-Division. Pretty much everything but the wrestling was a total clusterfuck tonight, and there was even a little clusterfucky there too.

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): Pick something, it's probably worthy.

Thoughts, Random: Oh yes, I feel belligerent like Tenay after Cornette disrespected him. Why did Sting sucker punch Nash? Robert Roode just missed the mother of all Excedrin headaches. Hebner conspiracy #492? Apparently there was an even worse than normal gas leak during the production meeting this week. Drink your beer like a hamster! Kip James: Gay, and this time, it's personal. Do you wanna be Kurt Angle's BFF? Or do you want his wife to seduce you? The Great (Big Hoss) Khali's vice-like grip pales in comparison to an actual vice. The X-Division feels like Karen Angle's butt after Team 3D got finished reaming it. Too much buttseks jokes?

Pluggery FTW!: You know it, you love it... It's DEADFACE WALKING ! Your laughter and possible mild disgust gives Catherine apathy! Want to know what's going on with RAW? You're better off reading Cameron's RANTERINGS than watching it most probably. Same goes for ECW ON SCI-FI . SPEAKING of WWECW, they'll being airing against the second hour of iMPACT! sometime in December, and Gershon, your little C-show doesn't stand a chance! CYBER SUNDAY 2006... K-FED in the house! Turns out he was the responsible one. I know, weird! O.o And check out Neil Cathan's BOUND FOR GLORY recap. He called me the best newcomer anywhere. Charley happy. :'D And it's also a great recap of maybe the best pay-per-view of this year, even if it's importance has been blown to hell as of this writing.

(Dino) Sendoff: I'm working on a little something to add to the recap, a personal touch, if you weeeel. Hopefully it'll premiere by the end of November. That's all I've got for y'all this week, so until next time spastic cockteases, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin

Well, it's Thursday night again, so I guess I gotta recap iMPACT! Rantrolla is drunkeh like a monkeh, so I guess it's up to me to keep track of these shenanigans. Time to man up.

Recap of BOUND FOR GLORY! *in Spongebob voice* YAY!

Kurt Angle bitches about Kevin Nash messing him up at Bound For Glory even though he called him down. Karen calls him delusional. I concur. Blah blah blah. Off to a rip-roaring start.

The card is pimped, well the little bit of shit we know is gonna happen tonight. For the love god, here comes Kurt Angle again. Kurt calls out Sting, saying he had him right where he wanted him and Nash screwed him up. He tells Kevin Nash he'd kick his ass... and as if on cue, here comes Nash as Tenay tells us that he wonders if Nash didn't associate himself with Angle to hang onto his own glory a little longer. Is that what he calls it? He tells Kurtis that Sting was kickin' his ass all over the arena, and the only reason he bothered to help Kurt is because he felt sorry for him. Nash and his fantastic hair give The Olympic Hero one chance to apologize. Angle says Nash has been riding his coattails and his doctorin' advice sucks and his jokes aren't even funny (and lemme tell ya, Kurt Angle is an expert on unfunny jokes, not quite in Triple H's league, but close) and tells him to step aside, because he's got a fight tonight. Nash tells him he's got a fight, but it's not with Sting, it's with him. Kurt tries to attack, but Nash cuts him off and Jackknife's him picture perfectly. Commercial or some shit. I'm not all here yet sports entertainment fans.

Back with Kurt in the back in uh, back pain severely. Mrs. Angle tells him to quit whining. Blah blah blah, make peace with Nash. What's he like, Borash? Porn! Kurt tells his wife to go down to the gift shop and buy Kev a stack of mags and videos and Borash gives away his love of porn. Blah Blah Blah. Karen stalks off and Kurt tells her not to forget the porn. We <3 Pornamari!

Fight for the right Quarterfinal match- Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley

The Machine guns reverse each other something like 14-20 times (educated guess) and this is gonna be a fun one...

Ray comes out and talks shit. Fuck! Devon attacks from behind and Team 3-D kicks Machine Gun ass. Ray says they're gonna destroy the X-Division... umm, WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL?!?! (Future me: I'm in a messed up mental state as I go back over this at 2am... and I think this may be why.) Apparently they are doing this because... they can? Because 10-13 highly talented athletes are clearly no match for two past their prime chunkalumps. Oh well, at least it's not convoluted... GAAAAHH! *punches wall* Oh ya, almost forgot. Bubba and D'von powerbombed the Motor City Machine Guns through tables and out of the tournament. I'm watching the rest of this show under protest. Coulda seen a match of the year candidate, but no, I get a couple bloated guys that look like giant fucking chibis running wild!

Winner: NO-FUCKING-BODY!!!!111111

Christian barges into Cornette's office with a ladder as the boss bellyaches about Team 3D fucking up his tournament. He demands #1 contendership in his match, a ladder match. Can you copyright that stuff? Charley wonders... O.o Anyway, Joe barges in dressed just slightly less oddly than Don “Mr. Pink Bandana” West was last week, lookin' for #1 contendership-ness. They trade barbs and Big Bubba Morgan separates them. I smell main event.

Were coming up on thirty minutes of without a real match taking place... ruh-roh, do I here ratings dropping? Or is that Ray & Devon closing down an Olive Garden? Sorry, editorializing.

Tenay talks to Glenn Gilberti, the once and future Disco Inferno. Fucking damn those were the days. Can't believe there would ever come a day when wrestling would be in such a sorry state that I'd miss the Disco Fucking Inferno, but here we be. *Le fucking sigh* Tenay says The Comebacks is coming out this week and is a parody of sports movies and that The Glenferno's comeback could be considered a parody. Glenn gets all huffy about it and Scott Steiner comes by and says something I missed. Fuck.

Talia Madison vs. Awesome Kong (*shudders*)

Talia tries to fight but no sale. She manages to block Awesome(ly scary) Kong's corner charge and tries a crossbody from the second rope but gets caught. They'll never learn, but I'll let it slide for a few more weeks. Kong beats Talia around the ring and gives the festively dressed (more festive than Don West when he interviewed The Guru last week, but less than Macho Jay's standard attire) knockout a violent squish in the corner. Spinning back fist or some nonsense then a sick move I'm officially renaming the Better-Than-Batistabomb and it's academic.

Winner: Awesome Kong

JB is with Nash in a random hallway, and Kev says he can be cool or an asshole. I'd say to take a shot every time you here asshole on this here wrestling progrem, or just every bleep for that matter, but I will not be responsible for your alcohol poisoning. Bite me... unless you are a vampire. Then back off. He says while everybody's been playing politics like he used to back in the day, he's been cool with being comic relief for the past year, but references his Diesel character if Kurt wants some. Historical continuity FTW! Mrs. Angle tries to make peace but Nash don't play dat shit no mo'.

Chris Harris tells us Robert Roode and James Storm are his favourite two people in TNA to knock around. Rhino shows up a short time later and Harris gives him the bizness for being 22 seconds late for their interview. The Wildcat stalks off and tells Rhino to be sober for the match. Harris inches to the dark side and if it gets him into the main event, good for him. But just where did this silly heel turn bullshit come from anyway? And these two best not start feudin' over being a few fucking seconds late to an interview. He was there the whole damn time anyway. Just because Invisible Camera Guy didn't move the damn camera over about a foot. Fuck fuck fuck!

James Storm w/ Jackie Moore and Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks vs. “Wildcat” Chris Harris w/ handcuffs and Rhino w/ delicious Japanese snack (sorry, I'm hungry)

Storm wants none of Rhino and tags in Bobby the spoiled rich kid. Rhino gets a headlock and a shoulder block for a quick two. Rhinocerosman presses the attack and Harris gets the tag & kick. Harris with a bulldog outta the corner and a delayed suplex for two. Rhino back in and eats hard Irish Whip. You don't even wanna know what that tastes like. Rhino fights back on but takes a better double team than any current FULL-TIME duo in the WWE can muster. Chinlock by Storm (take a shot) on Rhino. Rhino escapes and gives Storm a flapjack and both men are down. Harris is in and cleans house. Spinebuster on Storm and a near fall on Roode. Harris has a rollup but Roode causes distraction and Rhino goes after him. Harris eats something resembling super kick and gets Pay'd Off for the loss.

Winners: Spoiled Rich Kid and Drunken Cowboy (Best... buddy cop movie... evar!111 In your face Fuji Vice.)

Terry & Chris argue. Fuck!

We're about to have a Parade of Champions to officially crown the n00bs. This pleases me. I'll mark out for most of these guys, and especially the gal. Add me on Myspace Gail. ;)

Parade of Champions!

Black Machismo is out to a nice pop and Cornette says he even though he's not a new champ, James E never had a chance to congratulate him and shakes his hand. He should've barged into his office and demanded congratulations or somethin'. Everybody else gets what they want (or at least some twisted vision of it) when that happens. And I mean it's not like Cornette can make him wrestle THE UNDERTAKER!! Right?

First up here is Gail Kim looking hotter than ever! Cornette starts to talk but is interrupted by a much deserved chant in Gail's honor. Cornette's says Gail is an inspiration to female athletes everywhere and everybody is proud of her. Yes!! Gail says she is proud to be the first women's champion and couldn't have done it without the fans. She looks choked up for legit.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally marking out for everything about this ceremony. It just works on so many levels.

AJ Styles and Tomko are out as is their pimp Christian Cage. Cornette says regardless of their personalities they have proven to be a first-rate tag team that has earned their titles. Tomko says he had his doubts but they did it. Against his better judgement, he gives Styles the stick. Hugs! Aww... AJ thanks random things & people like Ivan Drago, Pokemon Diamond for being awesome, Kip James for being an inspiration despite being twice his age, and the Nintendo DS before Christian cuts him off. Cage says they should both be thanking him and demands the right to fight for the right to fight for the right or something. Christian Cage and Samoa Joe will have a rematch tonight with the winner going on in Fight for the Right Tournament, so deems Jimmy Cornette. I just realized something. The only reason Styles & Tomko are remotely heels is their association with Cage. Tweeners pwn. They get a nice lil pop for their victorious pose before they exit heel vortex...

It's Sting's turn now. Jim Cornette speaks of history and Sting's triumphs and big moments until the crowd starts a “you still got it” chant and I think I'll mark out a little bit more. Damn, I'm a mark for ¾ of the champions being crowned (and Macho Jay too), and Styles random idiocy is growing on me. He's like... Beast Boy from the Teen Titans animated series. SPEAKING of Beast Boy, Cornette says Stinger has earned this title like none before. Sting says Kurt took him places he's never been before and whatnot. Tenay asks if Sting will accept Kurt Angle's challenge. Sting asks the crowd if he should accept and after a just satisfactory enough response he says it's showtime one more time!

Cornette = straight up solid gold on the mic.

Angle is out in a wheelchair. Angle says he will be unable to wrestle this week and has a doctor's note excusing him because he has severe spinal trauma... but he'll be good to go next week. Hehe. Sting asks if Kurt's mommy signed his note and tells him to bring the wheelchair next week because if he's not crippled this week, he will be after their match next week.

Kurt is wigging out and asks why Sting can't just turn the other cheek. Karen reminds him that it is because Kurt didn't hit him in the cheek; he attacked Sting's 18 year old son. D'oh!... Hey, we never did find out what kind of damage he did.  WTFH?!?! Hax!

Shelley and Sabin are officially out of the Fight for the Right Tournament, replaced by Samoa Joe and Christian Cage in a wildcard.

Fight for the Right Tournament Quarterfinal Match- Lance Hoyt w/ Jimmy Rave, Christy Hemme, & issues vs. Kaz

Big right hand by a certain large and ticked off guy from Texas and a couple hard Irish whips on Kaz for good measure. The camera shows Jimmy Rave making faces and calling Christy crazy behind her back, because he totally needs to do childish things to make him look like he's 12. Literal babyface FTW! Wicked hardcore move that I have no clue what to call but was pretty damn awesome nontheless and mounted punches. Kaz is getting shelled. Clothesline for two. But Kaz finally gets some sustained offense and a single-leg dropkick for two. Swinging neckbreacker. Lance just sort of throws him away and the issues between Hemme and Hoyt that nobody cares about take over allowing Kaz to almost kiss Christy and hit a bicycle kick for the win.

Winner: The K-A-Z... and tag team partners who look and act like your little brother.

Anonymous Blond talks to competitive eater “Crazy Legs” Conti to promote the competitive eating show on next.   Crazy Legs is good on the stick. Fatu shouts after Crazy Legs that he'll shut the buffet down. Fatu is still smelling something and calls Robert Roode, his tournament opponent next week Rick Rude and and plays it off as not caring who he's gonna throw down with. I'm starting to really like Fatu, but I still dunno what the hell he's smelling.

Karen begrudgingly asks Black Reign if he's seen Kevin Nash, because Borash and Kurt are wusses. Reign licks his lil' rat buddy named after Misty from Pokemon and Karen and JB run away, leaving Angle alone in the wheelchair to presumably learn about Karen's love of bootysecks firsthand from Dustin's alter creepo.

“Disco Inferno” Glenn Gilberti vs. "The Monster" Abyss (Sponsored by The Comebacks... seriously, not even joking)

Glennferno attacks to no avail. Spinebuster, Shock Treatment and, and Blackhole Slam. Ballgame.

Winner: Abyss... and major movies sponsoring squash matches. TNA! TNA! TNA!

Black Reign attacks but gets chokeslammed. As Mitchell and his Ming the Merciless eyebrows are about to get some much needed Shock Treatment, Reign comes back and spikes him in the head with that weapon of his. The handcuffs make another cameo tonight as Abyss is shackled up in the corner and Reign puts his rat in a bag (but not before licking it again... blahh) and puts it on Abyss' head. Zomg! I'm gunna tell PETA on u!

You're main event is next. But first Angle must get one more stupid segment. He chases Nash's car away and shouts that he'll buy him porn. I'd totally have Kurt's back if he bought me a stack of porn. It'd be worth getting my ass kicked by one of my favouritest wrestlers ever. Hell, I'd even let Nash beat the shit out of me for the size of the stack of porn Angle told Karen to buy.

Time for your main event and mine. Samoan Submission Machine vs. Instant Classic starts right... about... now!

Main Event- Christian Cage vs. Samoa Joe (Fight for the Right Tournament Wildcard Match)

Fisticuffs and Joe wins and hits a flying knee. Chops and Cage runs away. Inverted atomic drop but Christian dodges the kick that follows. Facewash and running kick. Cage blocks Joe's senton with his knees and gets some offense in. Inverted DDT by Christian for a couple. Joe gets it back and knocks Cage from the ring, but Cage makes it back in before the suicide dive attempt but too soon for Joe to go flying. Cage goes for one of his own on the waiting Joe, but gets kicked in the head before he gets clear through the ropes. Joe can't get the suplex from the apron, and Cage gets another inverted DDT, on the apron this time. Cage is back in on the attack, and hits a... lets go with what the announcer dudes called it, a forearm club, from the second rope to the floor. Commercial for the only time during a match tonight.  Take from that what you will.

Neckbreaker and a blatant choke by Cage and then a neck vice is close enough to a chinlock to take a shot right? During the commercial Joe dropped Cage but took a leg lariat. The more you know. ;) Sleeper by Joe but Christian escapes with a Jawbreaker and stalks Joe. Forearms and Joe is unnervingly wobbly. Back elbow from the second rope for two. Christian flies from rope #2, but Joe catches him in a Cutter. Everybody has some form of cutter I tells ya! Both men get to their feet. Rights and a discus punch by Joe. Seriously violent-looking clothesline by Joe for two. Joe with a stiff combination and Joe spins him about the ring for another near fall. Musclebuster fails. Super belly to belly fails and Chistian bites Samoan head and knocks him down. If he did that in WWE, his teeth would be all busted up right now. Frog splash for near fall! Joe accidentally lays out the ref. Muscle Buster but nobody to count. The Coalition arrives but Joes cleans house on them. Matt Morgan gets rid of Tomko on the outside while Joe drops a chair-wielding the Shell of what used to be a Phenomenal One. Koquina Clutch is on and Cage is tapping, but the ref is still wasted and Robert Roode waffles Joe with the chair just in time for the ref to come to. Imagine that. Cage rolls Joe over for the win.

Recap and we are ewt!

Put Over: The Parade of Champions was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!! Joe vs. Cage was solid though Joe looked less than 100%.


Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): The TNA handcuffs triumphantly returned in a big way tonight!

Charley Rome's Manicured Facial Hair Final Burn: It was a fairly average night of sports entertainment fellow fans, but only one major bummer offset and one extremely high note to talk of much note. A dusty finish in our main event was all but assured, so I can't complain too hard about that. Well, maybe I could, but I don't feel like it. And was it just me, or did Samoa Joe not look very crisp out there tonight?

Pluggery FTW!: In the corner directly to my left and the left one in front of me (six corners PWNS!), a DOUBLE HELPING of Catherine Perez' brutally honest, brilliant, biting, and all-around apathetic DEADFACE WALKING. Give this overworked starving college student a Pulitzer and a hot meal, won't you? An apparently belated ECW ON SCI-FI is in the corner to my direct RIGHT. Smackdown! midcarders invade! THE BEST DAMN RAW RAW RANT PERIOD flanks my back RIGHT corner. Shit x 3 TWICE! Experience the pain both of chinlocks and British jobbers named Andy to the third power! Ooh, we gots a new GIMMICK TABLE by the credible guy amongst us. Back LEFT corner for that goodness. In the front RIGHT corner is a RETRO RANT of TABOO TUESDAY 2004. Cyber Sunday's lipstick lesbian forebearer, not that there's anything wrong with that! A Tuesday pay-per-view without Skinner is not one I want to be a part of. And rappelling down from the RAFTERS on the back of a shoddily made Sting dummy, our sentient website has a Myspace page for the befriending! Make the rest of this ragtag band of smartass noble adventurers friends too. We need your strength and courage to defeat the final boss, Lenny Lane!

Odds I worked way too fucking hard on that pluggery. EVEN!!1 *Passes out*

(Dino) Sendoff: That's all I've got for you this week. Gotta go watch people broadcast their boring-ass, yet strangely fascinating, lives on the internets. Until next time Blade Braxton aficionados, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin

Welcome to my recap. I feel like crap on multiple levels, so... lets just get this over with. And don't expect it to be good or funny tonight. I dunno why you'd expect that on any night, but whatever.

Recap of the whole stupid Sting and Kurt Angle saga. Oh and he's wearing Sting's son's football jersey. Ehh...

“Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Havok

Havok's pearl harbor job fails and he takes a headscissors and then a crossbody on the floor. Christopher Daniels is out to be a distraction on the outside. Havok attacks the taped ribs and goes off the top onto Machismo and works him over in the ring. Machismo with clothesline, running elbow, leg lariat. But Havok is back with a Cutter and a moonsault. Hiptoss/enzuiguri combination followed by a Lethal Combination and finally a Lethal Elbow for the win.

Winner: Macho Jay

Daniels has the belt and looks to sneak in and attack Machismo with it, but the voice from above tells him not to... Poor guy, being stuck in the midcard all these years and having his main event elevating feud aborted has finally made him snap. Anyways Curry Man tosses Jay the belt and they stare down.

Karen shows up and isn't in the mood for Borash. Have to agree with her on that one. Apparently K-squared is having marital issues. Does this mean I'll have a chance with Karen? Or are we in for another retarded swerve?

Random Commercial Thought: Local car dealership commercials FTW!

Kurt is out, and yes Tenay, we were FORCED to watch Kurt's stupidness last week. Angle is out still wearing the jersey. Am I the only one creeped out by this? He wants to face the old Sting at Bound for Glory because he TOTALLY wasn't panicking about it three weeks ago. He wants the best Sting so there will be no excuses... what? >.<* Dammit! Kurt offers Sting a piece right now, but Mrs. Angle is out to my erotic delight. Karen says ol' boy Kurtis has gone too far. She implies the slap & all this stupid shit was Kurt's plan. I'd of guessed Russo, considering the level of convolutedness, but I'm just a guy that recaps a wrestling show in his boxers. Sting is on the iMPACT!tron and says he's gonna take everything from Kurt. The lights go out and a very di~STING~guished looking dummy drops to ring and Kurt Ankle locks it before he realizes the shoddily built dummy is a fake. Come on dude, the lights weren't even all the way out.

The guys pimp the card for Bound for Glory... and I must admit it's a good looking whore, with long legs, short jet black hair, and loose morals.

Kevin Nash is going to up into the rafters to talk to Sting. Like the old days. Umm, when has Kevin Nash ever left solid ground? Nash asks Stingerpants if he wants to go down this path again... that being going out like a thug. Sting asks what Nash would do if Kurt attacked his son. Nash says he'd kill him. Exactly his point, and Stinger walks back up into the darkness and says something I missed.

Random Commercial Thought: The Comebacks looks funny, so I'll mention it. Now where's my free ticket?

The anonymous blond chick interviews Team Pacman. I'll spare you the gory details, but Killings was singing “Georgia on My Mind” and Pacman talked all sports cliche-y. Also Adam Jones said something about XXX sounding porny and laying down easily for them. Like nobody's ever made that joke before.

XXX vs. Team Pacman

Senshi with a springboard clothesline to The Truth to start us off and he attacks with hard shots in the corner. Powerslam by Truth and then a leg lariat after a brief comeback by Senshi in between. Pacman is in and has a football produced by Killings out of hammerspace. Pac spikes the ball into Senshi's Senshticles. Pac goes to elbow drop but the ref won't let him because apparently Killings tagged back in. Spin kick by Skipper. Flying jalapeno. Big double dropkick by. Suplex into a cutter by Killings and I'm fading... out... of... consciousness. I came to before it end though. The end comes when Pacman Jones distracts Elix Skipper (I think, but don't quote me on that) by throwing money at him.  Axe Kick by Truth and it's over.

Winners: Team Pacman... and making light of a situation that resulted in a man being paralyzed.

Sorry I blew the call on that match... :'(

Steiner Brothers are down to confront Team Pacman. Mutual respect FTW! All Team 3-D did was piss them off. Scott is hard to understand when he talks. He called Team 3D fatasses a bunch of times though.

In the back Ray says the Steiners should've stayed on the shelf. He disses Britney Spears and gets personal.

Nash gives Kurt the business and Kurt flips out on him. He tells Kurt he's on his own at Bound for Glory. Kurt yells at Karen, blahblah. I sorta tuned this bit out.

Christy Hemme, Jackie Moore, ODB, Talia Madison, Angel Williams, and Roxxi Leveaux are out to gawk at this knockout match.

Gail Kim vs. Amazing Kong (Yikes)

Allegedly fun fact: According to her announced weight, Amazing Kong is in the top ten heaviest wrestlers in TNA. Back when iMPACT! was on FSN, she would've been about 3rd. Chokebomb by Kong. Gail tries to fight but gets choked on the ropes. After some speedy dodging Kong catches Kim's crossbody and slams her down. Kong flings Gail across the ring by the hair. The frequent close-ups of the expessions of the shocked and sometimes terrified knockouts are fantastic. Gail tries the Christo but gets slammed again, this time for two. Amazing(ly Scary) Kong's second rope splash attempt misses (Future Me: thankfully, otherwise they'd still be scraping her up off the mat as of 1:21am). Gail outmaneuvers and gets some offense but there will be no, um... happy ending, tonight and she gets hit with a hard clothesline. Violent Batista Bomb by Kong FTW. Better executed than Batista's actually.

Winner: Amazing Kong... and those priceless close-ups of the Knockouts' shocked and/or horrified expressions.

Where be Shelley Martinez?

Don West interviewed “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt earlier while wearing a ridiculous pink bandana. Sonjay didn't answer from his meditation until DW called him Guru. Dutt is soliciting funds to help the world and gets a little cash from DW. Hopefully he uses a little of the money people paypal him to get his rapidly thinning hair back. They meditate. Commercial trying to get us to use our money, but for useless crapolas.

IWGP tag title highlights of Tomko and Giant A-Train Bernard defending their belts.

Christian Cage has a talk show segment now; with a tropical ambiance for tonight. The shell of AJ Styles is there too. Pele!11... sorry. Styles goes back to tend bar. Chattin' With the Champ is the name of this little show, despite the fact the that the only champ in the Coalition right now is Tomko. Anyway, he's gonna talk to Samoa Joe. That'll end well. Joe is out and Cage asks him what his strategy is for Bound for Glory. Christian's show has only been on two minutes and Joe is already bored out of his mind. He makes fun of the setup and calls AJ Woody from “Cheers”, and sadly he isn't too far off with that statement. He says Cage wasn't even trying. Joe says at Bound for Glory Cage's streak ends... and about three seconds later he says win, LOSE or DRAW (urm Joe, must be a winner, remember?...), Joe's gonna put him in the hospital. Cage says back the fucking ice cream truck up on the injuring him bad enough to go to the hospital thing and tells him not to destroy his set that he said was a bitch to put together because of all the yard sales he had to go to to get everything. He orders up a couple drinks and proposes a toast to their match, and to their match stealing the show. Joe toasts and throws his drink in Cages face. Beatdownery courtesy of Samoa Joe ensues and Big Bubba Matt Morgan literally carries Styles away. Cage drops Joe with a coconut from behind and the less said aboot that, the better. Cage standing over Joe and holding the coconut aloft like a title belt was kinda funny though (take a shot of a tropical drink from a coconut).

LAX has words to say and the Latin Nation dudes make a cameo to back 'em up. Mark out a wee bit if you feel the need. Homicide tells us how it is with XXX at Bound for Glory (with handcuffs perchance?) and Angle and 3D tonight. Commercial time.

Petey's out for a match. What are the odds that Tenay and West are gonna hype the fuck out of the Canadian Destroyer and we're not actually going to get to see it? Hey, there's Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks (looking even more smoking hotter than usual, btw), and what are the odds Roode is gonna be an asshole and Kaz is gonna come out to make the save in full on goofy swashbuckler mode?

Petey Williams vs. Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks

Roode start on the attack but takes a hurricanrana. Roode with a Spinebuster and suplex for two. Neckbreaker for two. Roode's corner charge fails and a bulldog by Petey. Petey with headscissors and a nifty slingshot jawbreak thing. Rollup by PW for two and then a DDT, but Roode reverses the Canadian Destroyer into a Payoff FTW.

Roode continues to attack and demands Ms. Brooks slap Petey. She refuses and Roode gets all up in her grill. Kaz for the save. Roode demands she exit with him but she is understandably way reluctant. Finally he grabs her by the legs and yanks her out under the bottom rope.

Kurt goes to look for Sting in the men's room. He kicks the closed door in to find Fatu calmly taking a presumably monster dump and reading the newspaper. All that's missing is Triple H showing up and saying something unfunny and/or shilling his newest shirt.

Monster's Ball Preview- Raven w/ cane and Black Reign w/ box, rat, and that weapon that I can't remember what it's called vs. Abyss and Rhino

Rhino gets double teamed but Abyss cleans house. Reign canes him though, and gives one to The War Machine as well. Rhino gets a shoulder block on Raven in the corner and removes him from the ring. He takes Raven into the crowd and Abyss gets back on it against Black Reign and does the same over on the other side. Commercials to zombify the masses.

Random Commercial Thought: Redbull gives your tail an erection!

Back and Rhino with a belly to belly on Raven. Reign yoinks Rhino out. Abyss has a bag of something and goes to town on Raven. It's thumbtacks this week and you know this won't turn out well for the big lug. He might as well just roll around in it right now, because it's gonna happen sooner or later regardless. DDT face first into a pile of thumbtacks (told ya), but Black Reign pulls Raven off the pin. The fight a lil' bit and Rhino gets back in and goes to town. Gore on Raven through a table. Black Hole Slam on Rhino by a blinded Abyss. Raven covers and gets all three of those.

Winner: Raven... and 40+ year old emo/goths/whatever the hell Raven's supposed to be these days

Anonymous Blond talks to Junior Fatu, surprisingly not in the bathroom. The name changes but the man stays the same. Okay. There wasn't this much drama in the WWE. Yep, it's pretty much the same old shit I smell. In case you haven't noticed I dunno what the fuck is going on in this interview. Something about a foul odor of Fatu winning the Reverse Battle Royal and being number one contender? Huh, the blond chick looks as confused than Maria watching a Presidential debate.

Is Matt Morgan ready for Bound for Glory? He basically says he's an equal opportunity ass-kicker and all but dares (actually he might have) Christian or Joe to fuck with him at Bound for Glory. Also he'll be guest-enforcering the main event six-man tag match tonight and he won't be there to stop Sting from getting to Angle, he'll be there to stop Angle from getting away. This dude is fantastic on the mic, so why the fucking hell did WWE decide to give him that idiotic stuttering gimmick?

OMG, the reason everybody that comes from WWE and gets a push is because they are so reinvigorated. Hehe Don West, you crazy rapscallion you.

Main Event- LAX and Junior Fatu vs. Team 3D and Kurt Angle (Guest Enforcer Matt Morgan)

Devon and Homicide lock up. Devon pounds away but Homicide fights back. Jawbreaker and back elbow crossbody. Fatu and Devon trade blows and Devon almost gets squished. Ray in and gets taken out with slingshot shoulderblock by Hernandez. Big bodyslam for two. Kurt trips Hernandez as we go to commercial.

Chokeplex by Hernandez and Homicide gets a neckbreaker. Commercial happenings saw Big Bubba Morgan forcibly remove the Latin Nation for causing problems when Kurt Angle spit on a Mexican Flag. I honestly didn't even know they were there before that. Ricky Homicide gets worked over... And over. And over. Homicide dodges Devon's corner charge. Fatu in with whatever that Chokeslam/Rock Bottom move is (too something to look), and a triple squish in the corner. Homicide with a hurricanrana on somebody. Savate Kick on Kurt to break the Anklelock attempt on Homicide Kurt gets Stinkfaced! A, thankfully not dangerously, botched 3D removes Fatu. Hernandez double clothesline Team 3D and Big Man Dive. Back & forth with countered finishing moves and finally an Olympic Slam on Homicide FTW.

Hernandez and the Nation check on Homicide as Angle demands Sting. Sting says he's gonna wait... or maybe not. The slightly differently dressed member of the Latino Nation with his face completely obscured is still in the ring... And it's Sting!!1111111 Does that mean that there are to of them?!?! Charley confused. O.o??

Bound for Glory video package with Testimonials and we're in the clear. Booyaka!

Put Over: Another exceptional Main Event, Matt Morgan displayed the best mic skills and most charisma of anybody all night!

Bury: The Monster's Ball Preview was pretty crappy, and I just want Sting and Kurt to get it over with already.  Also I must bury my screwup on Team Pacman/XXX match.

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by um, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): There were lots of bleeps tonight. The word asshole is gonna lose meaning by mid-November at this rate. Or the fact we never actually found out what exactly happened to Sting's son, except that Kurt swiped his jersey. U DECIDE!

A solid week, I can't complain about too much. Dunno about all the cussing, but it's not like I've got any room to speak on that subject. I'm a little uncertain about the Steiners/Team 3D feud. It's been mostly verbal amongst a bunch of guys that range from pretty bad to no better than average on the stick. Dunno about Brother Devon though, he never gets to say much. Damn racism. Anyway it was pretty much a repeat performance, the bad and the good didn't change much. Apparently you are required to have some variation of a cutter in your arsenal to be in TNA.  They were flying fast and frequently tonight and Reign had one last week.  Sorry for blowing the Team Pacman/XXX match.

Plug time! Click HERE for RAW. More entertaining then the show itself. ECW is way more digestible in written form than even RAW. It's right HERE. Knowing is half the battle, and to know what Sean thinks of GI BRO THE MOVIE... GI JOE... apologies, Freudian slip. Anyway, to know what the he thinks of his childhood toonerings, go HERE. X marks the spot for a new Sour 25 , courtesy of Sean's inebriated boredom. Our sentient website has a Myspace. Make friends with it HERE! Also make friends with the rest of us humble and in some cases poverty stricken staffers. Guess that's it for this week's pluggery. There's all kinds of funderful crap around here so check it out.

I have to make an edit to something I said last week. Catherine's invariably hi-fucking-larious Deadface Walking is the best job at TWF. Makin' fun of the often redonkulous news pwns even this. I'll seeya all next week with another shoddily recapped but decently articulate TNA iMPACT! Report. Until next time candy coated tube socks, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled. *Passes Out*


by Charley Martin

So here we are, the big two hour premiere of TNA iMPACT!... it's put up or shut up time, TNA. Nothing else matters right now but you delivering tonight. Rarely in life do you get a second chance to make a first impression, and TNA, this is your fourth... wow, you are some kinda lucky, slapnutz.

This your boy Charley, bringin' you twice the iMPACT! from now until I get sane enough to make something of my life... and Bubba am I ever recapping the wrong show to improve sanity. We're gonna be stuck with each other for a loooong time.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Ahem*

Badasssss video package retrospective. TNA iMPACT! is now TWO HOURS!!!! Yeah, get psyched up, Transform and roll out! I don't need the Rantrolla to get up for this one. Maybe to stay up for the whole thing, but whatever.

Mike Tenay and Don West pimp the card. The crowd is raucous and the noise appears legit too. Black Reign is on his way to the ring for our first match. West speaks of Reign joining forces with James Mitchell. Umm... okay, what? No seriously, where did this come from? Dustin Rhodes' alter ego leaves a creepy box on the announce table. Well, DW is buggin' out over it's creepiness. Just looks like a metal box to me though.

Both guys get video recaps of their recent histories and here we go.

Black Reign w/ creepy metal box vs. Rhino surprisingly w/o hoodie

Rhino starts out hot with a shoulder block for a quick two. He unloads in the corner and chases Black Reign out of the ring and knocks him around a bit out there. Back in and “The War Machine” with a leg drop, the move that kept Santa Anna's forces at bay for so long. It's true, look it up.* Side belly to belly by Rhino. Terry awkwardly misses the early Gore attempt and takes a leg drop while draped over the second rope. Black Reign with a Cutter for two. Hard Irish whip to the corner for another near fall. Raven is looking on from the back somewhere. Commercials.

*Factual accuracy not guaranteed by the FDA. Hmm... I should use the asterisk for battle royals and Motor City Machine Guns matches. (Future Me: ... And 8 man tag team matches.)

Random Commercial Thought of the Night: Believe... in Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass! Swerve!11

Back from the break and Rhino blocks a suplex and hits his own. Jeez the crowd is loud! Did they win a free churro or something? Rhino lays in the rights. Shoulder thrust and another belly to belly. Raven attempts to interfere on Black Reign's behalf but fails. Rhino dodges Reign and scores a Roll-up FTW.  How very average.

Winner: Rhino... and winning the opening match of one of the most important shows you've ever put on with a fucking ROLL-UP!

Raven and Black Reign double team Rhino. Abyss with the save, and lays both out with his sweaty forearms. Rhino gets ahold of Raven and they go into the crowd to hug it out. It's take home a War Machine night at the iMPACT! Zone. Chokeslam on Reign and James Mitchell is in and does nothing useful. Havok canes Abyss from behind (hehe, that sounds dirty), but NO SALE. Blackhole Slam (hehe, that sounds dirty too) on Havok. Black Reign returns and spikes him from behind with his weapon (hehe, with). Reign is about to spike Abyss' face but the lights go out. Sting is in when the lights come back on and lays out Reign. Abyss takes Reign into the crowd. Worst start to a stable ever? Maybe... Anyway, Kurt Angle is on the 'tron above the one of the vortexes (sorry, dunno which one, equilibrium dead after that start) at a football field somewhere. He says he'll be back after the commercial break. Spike's gotta make their money too. Comedy heel's pwn. Brb.

Back and Kurt Angle is at the field where Sting's son plays his home football games and he gets all up in Stinger's mind. Exit stage Sting, but I require a sample.  What the fuck happened to the scary box Black Reign brought down to thee ring with him?

Borash pimps TNA Mobile. Machismo and Dutt get face time. Uh-oh. Grandmother of them all and other silly nonsense from Macho Jay. The Guru is a nice guy. La-dee-fucking-da. Team 3D jumps Lethal and Dutt (now with prematurely receding hairline action). They're bringin' somebody's favourite tag team to the ring. Machismo gets thrown down the ramp. Ah, the perks of being X-Division champion. Big clothesline by Ray and Ray slaps Sonjay and Shark Boy fails. 3D on Sharky. HUUUUUUUGE sit down powerbomb on Guru. Maybe it was the awesome camera angle, but that was a hella tight visual. And Lethal is about to go through a table. 3D demands their match be a title match. Lethal gets 3D'd through the table.

Sting is in the truck and demands to talk to Angle. Seeya on the other side of the break.

Kurt is looking for the fire in Sting... wait, what? Why do things have to be so convoluted when you feud with Kurt Angle. Samoa Joe's girlfriend and every title on the line and Tha Trademarc? Non-title submission cage matches with pointless and stupid stipulations? Phantom wife-slaps and wanting some of a honked off Sting for some reason when he was panicking about it two weeks ago? FUCK!!

Earlier today Robert Roode was interviewed by some chick. Apparently he got his money from his deceased grandfather. Nice to know, finally. Roode acts all egomaniacal and be's an asshole to Ms. Brooks and says she better win the title at Bound for Glory. After meeting his jackass quota, Robert calls it an afternoon.

Leticia Cline and whoever this chick is get into it afterwords because she doesn't know who Leticia is and took over her interviewer duties while Leticia was getting pictures taken when she wasn't wearing anything. Sadly nobody cares.

West puts over Jackie's mad in-ring skillz and vast experience. Um, Jackie, I don't wanna start anything, but I think DW just called you old. Maybe I just want Don West to be beaten up by a woman... Maybe.

Jackie Moore w/ James Storm vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal love

Jackie is on the attack but Gail gets a deep armdrag, a dropkick, and a... uh, a springboard armdrag? Whatever, it was pretty nifty regardless. James Storm with a distraction to put Jackie back on top. Here comes VKM and their Voodoo Queen. Jackie continues to bring the pain and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Now here comes Christy Hemme with Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt. Hmm... are they still having issues? I dunno, nobody mentioned anything. Jackie still on O. Gail with clotheslines and a flying lariat. Gail wins with a... a “Happy Ending”? Are you kidding me West? Last week we had Christy Hemme's Flying Firecrotch Guillotine and now this? You dirty old man.

Winner: Gail Kim... and happy endings. O.o;

Wikipedia calls the “Happy Ending” a Japanese stranglehold into a neckbreaker slam. I call the move a straight jacket neckbreaker, but the result is less happy than I'm looking for.

Heel chicas in the ring and Gail fights off the three on one but eventually takes a beating. Roxy sets up the big boot but Gail dodges and heads for higher ground. The three bad chicks start fighting.

Cornette is sick of Team 3D whining, but says they've got a title shot tonight; what goes around comes around though. Borash asks what he means and says in about ten minutes we'll find out. Sting storms in but Cornette says doesn't know anything. Angle is back on and acting like a twit as everybody in the office looks into the little monitor on Jim's desk in a slightly surreal visual.

Team 3D w/ football vs. Team Pacman w/ the gold- TNA Tag Team Championship Match

Heel vs. Heel action, but the crowd is way behind Team Pacman. Devon starts on the attack, laying into Killings with hard shots. Leg lariat by “The Truth” and low springboard headbutt in the corner. Flying Jalapeño and kip up to splits. Ron Killings has some serious spring in those 36 year old legs. ZOMG Pacman is in. Brother Ray tags in and taunts him with the football. Pac has the ball and Ray's in a three point stance. Pac jumps over his tackle attempt easily. Ray takes the football and throws it at him. Ray walks away and Pacman hits him in the back with the ball. Ray charges and Pacman dodges. Ray eats Killings' forearm and Devon runs at Pacman. Jones pulls down the ropes and ducks Ray's clothesline tagging out of this stupidly fun little sequence. Flying dropkick by Killings. Pacman sets Ray up for some Wassup! (What's up?) and gets a legdrop that “splits the uprights”. Team Pacman celebrates. Big clothesline on “The Truth”. Ray's got a chair. Truth with a the leg lariat knocking the chair into Ray's face. Pac has the chair. VKM attacks Killings on the outside. Pacman gets the chair and chases them away. 3D-B on Killings.

Winners: Team Pacman by DQ

The Steiner's chase Team 3D away. Kurt's watchin' the game and I... don't... care...

Raven talks articulately. They say he's washed up and speaks of people calling Terry Funk washed up in 1982 and after all of his subsequent retirements and when host the ECW Championship to him back in the day. I didn't get the gist of this really, but Raven says when he's back in shape he wants to fight Rhino and Abyss. Abyss confronts him and tells him to bring Black Reign with him for Monster's Ball.

10 Man Fight for the Right Preview Gauntlet- Nothing is on the line here. Too bad.

James Storm and Kaz start it off. Kaz eats Back Cracker but quickly hits a jawbreaker and eventually a Slingshot DDT. Robert Roode is out third and fights Kaz. Sweet leg sweep and springboard leg drop by Kaz. Alabama Slam by Roode on Kaz. Petey Williams in with a Russian Legsweep to I think Roode. Petey tries to Destroy both bad guys Canadianly but takes a big spinebuster by Roode. Eric Young is out slowly and nearly eliminates Roode with inadvertent help from Storm. Rave is in and nearly eliminates Petey, but settles for a tilt-a-whirl armbar. Petey with a big clothesline on Rave. Sabin in like a house of fire. Well duh, that's how these things work. DDT on Roode. Ms. Brooks looks on. Alex Shelley is in. Rave gets worked over by the Motor City Machine Guns. Williams is eliminated and followed closely by Rave. The 'Guns work over Roode now. Lance Hoyt is in this match with a HUGE chokeslam on Kaz. Sabin eliminated. Chris Harris is your final entrant in this great but otherwise completely insignificant match. He hits a flying clothesline on Hoyt, Spinebuster on Shelley and Full Nelson Slam on somebody. He nearly eliminates Storm but gets flapjacked by Hoyt. Roode thows Kaz through the ropes and beats on him outside after Ms. Brooks checks on him. Commercials, at least one probably for a horror movie of some kind.

Chris Harris was eliminated by Roode during the commercial. So much for a main event push. Shelley is eliminated. Roode and Eric Young team up to eliminate Hoyt and immediately fight each other. Roode Irish Whips Kaz who slides out and, being the goofy swashbuckling SOB that he is, steals a kiss from Ms. Brooks, much to her delight, and gets back in and eliminates Roode with a clothesline. Storm eliminates Kaz as he tries to reenter the ring. Young scores some punches and a dropkick but Storm locks in a sleeper. EY reverses a sleeper into a pin on Storm FTW.

Winner: Eric Young!

This was a pay-per-view quality match, and I expect this match will be much better than the upcoming Reverse Battle Royal at Bound for Glory. And hey, EY has momentum again. Good for him.

Tomko headed to Japan to defend his title but Cage wouldn't let Styles go with him. Big whoop. Vid package putting over Ultimate X... With Testimonials! Kurt talks to a cheerleader about Sting's son and says he'll congratulate him after the game. This is really fucking stupid and pointless. These guys don't need a backstory. Video package for Christian Cage/Samoa Joe Feud.

MAIN EVENT- Christopher Daniels and Sailor Senshi w/ Elix Skipper, AJ Styles and Christian Cage vs. LAX, Junior Fatu, and Samoa Joe

Hernandez and Daniels start but Senshi double teams. Hernandez shoulder blocks them both and cleans house. Fatu is in and continues the attack. Daniels leaps to AJ and gets the tag. Styles rakes the eyes but can't budge Fatu. Double team by “The Phenomenal Shell of What Used to be One” AJ Styles (mad phrase turning skillz FTW) and Tear Face to no avail. Irish Whip but Senshi and Daniels stop Styles. Fatu charges and AJ escapes the big man but Senshi and Daniels get knocked to the floor. Savate kick to AJ and Homicide suicide (hehe) senton (Tope con Hilo) and rolls over 2/3 of XXX and whips himself and the crowd into a frenzy pounding on the announce table, much to DW's comedically golden delight. Cage is in and reverses the momentum with help. Cage scores a dropkick from the second rope and this will be the final commercial break of the evening.

We are back and Senshi has a head scissors (meh, close enough, take a shot) on Homicide. Homicide eats a tasty leg lariat. Yeah, like chicken. Assisted leg drop by Senshi. Cage works Homicide Morton over some now and puts a weird chinlock variation thing (take shot of something unusual) that Homicide falls back on it to escape. Styles in with a dropsault for a very near fall. Christian back in and Homicide gets a double DDT. Joe cleans house for realz and gets a powerslam on Cage for two and it all breaks down. Flying forearm by AJ to Fatu. Can't keep up... Need DVR. Joe gets the Coquina Clutch on Christian but Daniels saves him. Elevated Cutter by Homicide to Senshi on Hernandez' shoulders. I think Hernandez hits the Big Man Dive on Styles somewhere around here. Christian with an inverted DDT on Joe. An interfering Elix Skipper gets a Fatu finisher. Cage gets set up top but Senshi accidentally kicks him off. Joe sets him up top and kicks him. Muscle Buster on Senshi FOR THE WIN! *Passes out*

Winners: Samoa Joe, Junior Fatu, and LAX.

The football game is over and Kurt is in the parking lot and attacks Sting's son and knocks the camera away. A fucking cliffhanger?!?! That means I have to watch next week?... Oh, right. My job. Heh...

Video Recap to Crash Anthem and we're in the clear, with just over a minute to spare according to my clock.

Put Over: The Main Event. The crowd was extremely loud and into it all night. Eric Young winning the gauntlet match was a very pleasant surprise. I must grudgingly admit that Pacman's in-ring action was pretty cool and clever, and West's foreshadowing of how Pacman and Killings work was good. Need I even mention how great the wrestling was? Almost everybody brought their A-games to the show.

Umm... where the hell did James Mitchell's stable come from? Parts Unknown? I get why, Mesias is out injured for a few weeks, but why just throw it out there like that? It just feels lazy. Also fairly loose-knit tag team Black Machismo and The Guru getting shit on by Team 3D. And Shark Boy trying to make the save isn't funny anymore. More like depressing. The promised re-dedication to the X-Division is in another castle... Umm, soundstage? My ever so slow typing.

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uhh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): What the fuck happened to the scary metal box?  It was never mentioned after West's getting creeped out by it before the match. Also, I didn't get it written up during the show portion of this recap, but Kurt gets flagged for incidental creepy. Something about congratulatorily slapping Sting's son's butt in private.  Eww...

Final Thoughts: Was it a perfect debut? No. There was lots of serious plotholery with Sting/Kurt Angle feud reaching convolution critical mass, not to mention James Mitchell's stable forming out of nowhere and doing a figurative Flair Flop. Too much Kurt Angle too. But tonight delivered on the hype better than we really had any right to expect. Thank you Main event and meaningless ppv-quality gauntlet match. The show was definitely pretty good one overall. Just about the entire roster at least made a cameo. All in all, this iMPACT! was reaffirmation that I have the best job at TWF. Even though I can't type fast enough, I'm still recapping the best wrestling show on television, no matter how fucked up and convoluted some of it is.

Two RAW Recaps for you saucy little smarkinators. Right HERE for Cameron's usual recap and the real truth behind Save_US.222, and right HERE for Sean's almost Myspace exclusive RAW RECAPPING FOR DUMMIES. A parody by Derek Burgan can be found HERE... as if you'd read my crap before his stuff. New FAN LAWS, the least funny four are mine! Well, I'm quite proud of the leprechaun one. But yeah. ECW ON SCI-FI for you here... no HERE. Click HERE for some RETRO HEAT, still more important then TNA iMPACT!... Charley sad. :'(

The Cubs are getting reamed in a way only Karen Angle enjoys, so I gotta go sulk and ice down my ass. Until next time Latin lovers, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin


Yo, this your boy Charley, back for round two.

Before I start this week, I'd like to mention a fucked up dream that woke me from my slumber Monday morning. This is 100% true, btw. It was the morning after I had lost a world title match to Randy Orton. It was basically just a musical montage of a somewhat depressed me looking up reviews of the match with occasional flashes of the end and post match. According to the reviews the match itself was pretty good except for me not being built up enough as a challenger. The music was of me holding up the stipulation for losing, which is what much of the reviews were devoted to. For losing, I had to sing “Danke Shoen”, as the pay-per-view went off the air. The dream itself appeared to be near future, so my voice must've improved tremendously.  As I said, it was supposed to be me singing, and it was synced up to me singing in the ring in the brief flashbacks, but it was way better than I'm capable of. Anyway, can anybody interpret this weirdness? For the record, I'm light years from being a professional wrestler, don't consciously know the words to the song, and I despise Randy Orton... but at the end he seemed to start singing along too. I am very weirded out by this.

*Beeboo-beeboo... nanananana*... Gasp, the Rantrolla! It must be 8pm. Go time, Chi-Chi!

Welcome to your hour long adrenaline rush as only TWF can give it to you... Surly and quite possibly inebriated. Huh?

Recap of last week, and Jeremy Borash is with James Mitchell and Judas Mesias. They walk like total badasses, staring at the camera dead serious the whole time while James Mitchell talks up Mesias and what he did to Sting. Surreal. He says Sting can come have it out with them as they they enter some random room backstage and close the door. I wonder what they are doing in there. I bet they're watching “Waiting to Exhale” or “The Lake House” and eating Ham and Human Blood Hot Pockets (coming soon!). Yeah.

Apparently Team 3D is going to take out all the other tag teams in TNA and they are going to start with Eric Young and Jay Lethal's lesser halves. Hurray for makeshift jobbers tag teams!

If they were back in WWE, Team 3D could destroy all the tag teams from all the shows in like two matches, srsly. Sorry, editorializing.

Team 3D vs. The Remnants of Sonjay Dutt's Dignity and Shark Boy... Tonight's squash match is brought to you by plus-sized multi-ethnic half brother tag teams three years past their prime.

Devon unloads on Shark Boy and mocks him, but Shark Boy bites D's ass. Ray laughs about it in the corner and Sharky bites his ass too. How many asses has Shark Boy bitten into in his career anyway? Questionable hygiene FTW. Ray and Devon cuss at each other a bunch and holy fuck Shark Boy is in control. Though the victors are obvious, this is not only not a squash, but it is a highly competitive match. What a swerve! Oh Russo, you rapscallion you. You didn't fuck up. Good job. *Tasers Russo anyway* Sonjay tags in and dies a little inside as he kisses Brother Ray's hand and extends his hand for him to return the favor and Ray pummels him for it. Note that Bubba did kiss his hand before he whooped on him though. Even that nutty bastard prone to having Pelé-related aneurysms Don West can't help but wonder about Sonjay's gimmick. Ray hugs “The Guru” the corner which of course he accepts and gets more punishment. Sonjay dodges a corner charge and does his expertly choreographed corner offensive maneuvers. Dutt then goes crotch first into Bubba-liscious' face from the high rent district and gets a two count out of it. Shark Boy blasts Brother Ray with the tambourine. They are rollin' and hit a double suplex on the big man and a Wassup?! (Wasabi!?) to the nether regions. One of them tells the other to get the table but D'Von tells them both to start jobbing already and clotheslines them, proving once and for all he is the better half of his team. Big 3D on Sharklesworth FTW.

Winners: Team 3D... and Shark Boy for getting more offense in this match then in the rest of his TNA appearances combined.

Sonjay saves Finhead before before they can crush his throat with the chair.

Jeremy Borash pimps TNA Mobile with a Bound for Glory poll. Joy! And here's teh Voodoo Kin Mafia. They came to make a statement. They're sick of getting passed over for every n00b that comes through the iMPACT! Zone vortexes and BG proceeds to call the fans and half of the empty suits that run TNA a bunch of marks. Kayfabe Killa FTW. Mr. Ass says something too, but alas, nobody cares.

Borash searches for Sting.

Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt w/ Christy Hemme vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley, just in case you are unawares)

The crowd is solidly behind the Machine Guns. Rave gets armdragged and eats the ol' clothesline/bulldog combo, then some frequent and excellent double teamery. This match is, with my slow typing, becoming unkeepupwithable. The 'Guns are everywhere and with this match they are singlehandedly (... in a matter of speaking) reviving the lost art of the double team. It's the pro wrestling equivalent of the midrange jumper in basketball, wide receivers throwing blocks downfield in football, clearing the puck in hockey, or great base-running skills in baseball. Remember, knowing is half the battle, kids. SPEAKING of clearing the puck, Rave fights back and gets a sketchy Shining Wizard for two and Tenay touts Rave's career thusfar. Tag and I think it's Sabin who gets Wheelbarrowed face first into Rave's feet, and big Lance Hoyt is on O. But a failed double team and Rave is DDT'd onto Hoyt. Springboard clothesline by Sabin onto Jimmy Rave. Brain Buster for two, and a crappy Frog Splash by Shelley but Hoyt breaks up the pin. Cool STF on both guys at once by I believe Rave. Both men escape and Shelley gets thrown out and off of some more failed double teamery by Christy's Commandos, Jimmy Wang Rave (sorry, had to get that amalgamation unstuck from my head; also need to get rid of a Jimmy Rave Hayes one) goes over soon after. Hemme hangs on to Alex Shelley but Hoyt tells her to let go and wants to know wtf? Shelley is freed and Hoyt is distracted. Shelley and Sabin kick combinations and a double enzuiguri FTW.

This match was double team 101. The Machine Guns dominated more against theoretically stiffer competition than Team 3D did against a team of makeshift jobbers. How mildly interesting.

Winners: Motor City Machine Guns

Lance and Hemme have miscommunications post match and 3D attacks the MCMG. Inverted suplex thing by D'Von, and a piledriver by Bubba Ray and their getting the table. Commercialize yourself.

We're back and Shark Boy should never EVAR try to run in and save anyone. Brother Ray powerbombs Shelley onto Sabin, who was resting comfortably on a table set up in the ring. Sharkles takes that chair spike to the throat that he escaped earlier. Have you learned your lesson yet, Shark Boy? Not a bad start for 3D... 1.5 teams destroyed; only “His Guruness” escaped.

Borash is still looking all over the most emo places in Orlando for Sting, but can't find him anywheres. Not even the rafters. Hax!

Tenay and West pimp EVERYTHING they can think of forthcoming in TNA. And somehow I'm now the “proud” new owner of a 5,000 ct. box full of mostly common football cards, several jumbo packs of 1996-97 Collecter's Choice Basketball Cards, and a complementary AJ Styles action figure. OMG, Pelé!!!1! The bastards also suckered me into buying a George Bell autographed Toronto Blue Jays pennant. Thanks a lot, West. How the hell did you even do that anyway?! >=O

Our “esteemed” announcers mention all the guys accompanying these fine ass hos will be competing in the Reverse Battle Royal at Bound for Glory. They must be thrilled...

Of note, Robert Roode gives Ms. Brooks the business as they come down and Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme are still having issues.

Ms. Brooks w/ Robert Roode w/ “Verbal Full Court Press” vs. Jackie Moore w/ James storm w/ Booze vs. Roxy Laveaux w/ VKM w/ Attitude vs. Christy Hemme w/ Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave w/ Not being on the same pageness vs. Gail Kim w/ Chris Harris w/ probably handcuffs (Winner Will Be the Last to Enter the Women's Gauntlet Match at Bound for Glory)

Gail Kim takes out everybody and gets me all hot bothered doing it. I can already not keep up. Double dropkick by Gail, Roxy Double A Spinebuster's somebody, inverted DDT by Ms. Brooks(?), missed Fire Crotch Guillotine (I think that's what West called it when Tenay asked what the initials meant, I may have been hallucinating though) by Christy Hemme. Lots of chaos with Gail Kim getting tons of offense. ZOMG!!1111 Tower of doom! Hemme takes the worst of it. Back to bidness and The Voodoo Queen removes Ms. Brooks roughly from the ring starting a chain reaction that causes the guys to start fighting and a leading to a brief little impromptu America's Most Wanted reunion (Roode puts the bad mouth on Ms. Brooks, Chris Harris tells him to back off, Roode pushes Harris into Storm causing him to drop his beer, they start punching each other and Hoyt and Rave try to play peacemaker, and said brief impromptu AMW reunion ensues as Harris and Drinky Winky attack Rave and Hoyt, then you mark out, don't forget to clean up afterword this time). Everybody gets brief one-on-oneness. Gail scores a hurricanrana but Kip and BG interfere. Kip gets slapped, but Roxy gets the Voodoo Slam and pins Gail Kim (the hell you say?).

Winner: Roxy Laveaux. That means don't expect her to be involved in the finish at Bound for Glory. Sorry Voodoo Queen fans... both of you. One of whom is actually me. :'(

Gail Kim was on offense for nearly the entire match and is the only woman in this one who could afford to take a clean loss and remain credible at Bound for Glory. DAMMIT!... I can't even give King Ghidorah shit for booking her to lose. What the hell is going on in TNA?!?! Do they want me to get fired?

Video Package for Samoa Joe/Christian Cage.

Unused promo for Judas Mesias' debut. It looks like it anyway. Just a couple brief clips of him whoopin' ass at the end, but otherwise yeah, it looks exactly like a standard pre-debut vid.

Backstage Sting attacks Mesias but Judas fights back. Commercial.

Sting fights out towards the ring. He sprays Mesias with a fire extinguisher a couple of times and locks in the Scorpion Deathlock using the ropes for added leverage. Kurt Angle is out and the double team is on, but I require a sample. Even though I made no mention of him earlier, you may still be thinking that Kurt has made at least two or three appearances already by now, but I swear this is his only appearance of the evening. I know, I'm shocked by this just as much as you are.

Rhino comes in to even out the odds, and somewhere in his save attempt West said Mesias brings out the best in Rhino. DW had a Jim Ross moment. Soon enough the former NWA champion is overcome though. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Finally Abyss, with bandaged arms, is in and cleans house.

Video Package to loud music and we're in the clear.

Put Over: An episode of TNA iMPACT almost entirely devoted to wrestling?!?! If I may quote a certain orange tracksuit-wearing #1 knucklehead ninja... BELIEVE IT!!!! The Women's Femme Fatale Five Way Match was a near classic. Gail Kim = Master Roshi caliber nosebleed, btw. BG James make pretty words on talking stick. Tag teams stealing the show is always good when you've got the depth TNA has.

Bury: The Motor City Machine Guns had an easier time with Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave than Team 3D had with Shark Boy and Sonjay Dutt. Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme are having issues... This team has had ONE FREAKING MATCH! Wtfh? Give them a chance or make us care before you break it all up. Our main event wasn't a match. This weeks obligatory lame rescue attempt by Shark Boy. Just give it up dude. We all <3 you Sharky, but the saving the day thing just ain't workin' out for ya.

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uhh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): This whole night was weird... only two real interviews backstage and zero skits. Three matches with some length and a wholly separate several minute long fight to boot. Only a couple minutes of Kurt Angle. I approve.

(Next to) Final Thoughts: It was Tag Team Night in the iMPACT! Zone. Tag Teams took center stage in every way, with Team 3D running wild, the Motor City Machine Guns having a surprisingly easy time of it against Rave and Hoyt, VKM (and especially BG James) cutting a firey promo and getting their girl the W in the five way match, and the brief impromptu reunion of AMW. Shit, even Kurt Angle and Sting are recent former tag champs together and Sting's teamed with Abyss recently too.

Final Thoughts: My three-headed, matchmaking arch-nemesis is making it hard for me to deliver the scathing criticism. If nothing else, my inner wrestling fan surely enjoyed this weeks edition. Only TWO(!) real backstage interviews all night. How could I not be overjoyed at this? This bad mamma-jamma practically wrote itself, albeit exponentially faster than I can type, so chalk any inaccuracies to that. You try rantcapping an episode of iMPACT! when your words per minute top out in the low-mid 20s.

Time for linkagery! Check out the RAW Rant right here... it's 34.5 times funnier than RAW itself. This link right here goes to out to Catherine Perez and her always hilarious DEADFACE WALKING. Right about... here, is where you'll find the ECW ON SCI-FI Rant and more giant man titty than you know what to do with. Go here for a surprisingly not venomous review of THE CONDEMED, starring some guy you might've heard of. Got your RETRO HEAT right here sweetcakes. Also, the site itself recently became sentient and got a Myspace account. Click here to buddy up!

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go watch Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. I'm addicted to that shit. Hit me up on my e-mail and Myspace page for feedback and such. Until next time midcard heels, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin

Hey everybody, I'm Charley, your new TNA iMPACT! Rant-keeper.

Before I start this bad mamma-jamma, I'd like to share a brief and pointless story while I've got a spare moment. I was going make my introduction by mocking the angry promos dissing the WWE that ex-“Superstars” are known for cutting upon arrival to TNA, by doing a smartass one of my own. I just wanted to break the ice and incite a few giggles... but something (not really) funny happened along the way. As I wrote it, my mockery became progressively less comedic and more of an emotional, heartfelt open letter from a betrayed WWE fan. Needless to say, it's not something that really fits the feel of this site, but I think I learned a little something from the experience. I'll probably post it online somewhere eventually someday when I'm not feeling so lazy... *Ding!* Enough of this introspective jibba-jabba. It's 8pm central time and you know what that means... It's showtime, folks!

It's time for your hour long adrenaline rush the way only TWF can give it to you... from behind. Wait, what?

Recap of last week's show, and we're in the back in some room that is almost as big as my apartment. *Sigh* Kurt Angle is apologizing to “Dr.” Nash for being so confrontational. I wonder what Kevin Nash is a doctor of. Gimp-anomics? The Angles (Karen is there too) are boasting about their beatdown of Sting last week and Nash warns them about Sting's darker side, how dangerous he can be when provoked. He tells them of how the nWo messed with Sting back in the day and he made their lives a living hell for two years. The power couple panic and blame each other for causing trouble with Sting. At some point during this a guy comes in and hands Karen a note that she tucks away. The Erotic, nosebleed-inducing nymphette Karen finally agrees to apologize to Sting, but isn't happy about it. Kurt hopes Sting buys it.  Not likely if he was near a TV.

Mike Tenay and Don West pimp the card for tonight, and Judas Mesias is on the way down for his token curtain-jerk squash match. Tenay and West put over his menacing-ness. And now Eric Young is down looks very apprehensive. The match is about to start, but I require a sample. Okay, granted this guy destroyed Abyss last week and does look suitably menacing, but I'm taken out of the moment here for a sec because Eric Young is almost the same freaking size as Mesias.

Judas Mesias vs. Eric Young... Tonight's squash match is brought to you by blood drooling Puerto Rican monster heels wearing whiteout contacts and flame-patterned speedos that only go about 6'0”/240 lbs.

Judas does that drooling blood thing as we get underway. That doesn't look healthy. He should probably get that checked. Mesias chokes his lovable babyface cannon fodder EY and throws him in the corner. Young gets knocked around in the corner but uses his speed to enact his brief offense for the night. He gets caught and thrown over the top by his throat and Mesias works him over on the outside, slamming him into the ring post and face first into the steps. He kicks EY's face on the steps and Eric Young is busted open. Our “esteemed” commentators put over Judas' lust for blood. Mesias hits the Straight to Hell FTW. My sources *cough*Wikipedia*cough* tell me this is a Leaping Reverse STO. It looks pretty weak for such a reputedly badassss character.

Winner: Judas Mesias... and monster heels with cruiserweight finishers.

Post match Mesias punches and kicks the shit out of Young and bites his bleeding head. For the hell of it I flash back to a “Big Cat” Ernie Ladd vs. Gorilla Monsoon match I saw awhile back where Ladd was biting Monsoon's bleeding head. *Sigh* RIP boys. Shark Boy comes out but stops briefly before finding his courage. He then proceeds to PUSH MESIAS OFF OF YOUNG AND ASK POLITELY FOR EITHER MERCY OR AN EXPLANATION. He goes Straight To Hell too. And for his stupidity, he might've just deserved it. File this one under things not to do when trying to save your buddy from a psychopath. Anyway, Mesias gets a chair to kill his prey some more, but is met back in the ring by a chair weilding Terry Gerin in all his hoody-wearing glory. Rhino is ready to go but Judas thinks better of it and slithers out of the ring.

The Coalition is havin' a luau... well at least Styles is. Tomko finally snaps on AJ to get his shit together when he decides the goofy shell of AJ Styles wants to try and peel a banana with his feet, like Samoans do. Um... WTF?! Tomko knocks off his goofy hat and leads him away to get ready for his match with Ron Killings.

Christian says mission accomplished for Cornette on finding the baddest Samoan around. He says unfortunately for the former Rikishi all he sees is when he sees any Samoan is Joe. Damn, if all I saw was Samoa Joe whenever I saw a Samoan, I'd be running away from Samoans a lot. You are a braver man than me Christian. And a little better on the mic too. He tells Samoa Joe to watch what he does to Fatu, and after facing Joe at Bound for Glory, he'll still be unpinned and unsubmitted.

Video Package for Stener's/3D feud. Redemption draws near. Wee-ooh.

It's almost time for our second match and Facial Man Tenay tells us how Team Pacman won the gold.

AJ Styles w/ Tomko vs. Ron “The Truth” Killings w/ Pacman Jones

Killings gets the drop on Styles and lays the boots to him. He hits the old clothesline/bulldog combo and a hard running forearm. Styles fights back gets a big dropkick and a backbreaker. Pacman is on the apron and spits in Styles' face. AJ chases Pacman around and back into the ring like Blinky. Tomko apparently sees the ambush coming and tries to physically stop AJ before he gets all the way into the ring, but Killings got a power pellet and lays out “The Phenomenal One” with his fantastic flashy flying forearm. Sweet alliteration. Nifty crap shilling time.

Random Thought on the iMPACT becoming two hours: On October 4th my job gets twice as convoluted. Ruh-Roh.

Styles is choking “The Truth” out of Killings in the corner (ZING!!1). Ron gets a leg lariat after some theatrics and is back on O. He plants Styles with... I guess this would be the Truth Conviction? More ground pound but AJ fights back, and Tomko kicks Killings in the back. Desperation clothesline by Styles and both men are down. Back to their feet and AJ rakes the eyes. Roundhouse kick and a HUGE inverted DDT by Styles. I approve. Both partners interfere and Tomko gets removed with a big dropkick. Several various high impact kicks dodged by both men. AJ hits the Pele and West has his usual aneurysm. Styles sets up the Clash but the ref is dealing with Tomko and Pacman sprays him in the face. Axe Kick FTW.

Winner: Ron “The Truth” Killings

Must gives props to Pacman for flawlessly executing his interference.

Karen wants to apologize to Sting. I smell bullshit. Don't fall for it Sting! Commercial.

Back from the break and Karen Angle is out. She says she is sorry for what she's done. She claims she was caught up in the moment and only slapped him once, or three or four times. She only wants Sting and Kurt to have a great match at Bound for Glory. She wants him come out and accept her apology.

We here Stinger's voice before he finally comes out of the faces' vortex. He says he won't be caught up in another Angle family plot. He tells her it will be just him and Kurt at Bound for Glory. She wants to know says who. He tells her to look at the letter she received earlier and she takes it out and panics... actually before she even looks at it, but I'll let it slide because we're about to get the first swerve of my tenure. It's a restraining order! Sting got a restraining order against Karen that lasts through Bound for Glory. He says she can't come within 50 feet of him until after the pay-per-view. Tenay and West are wiggin' out at his genius, as this is of course the first time a face has ever outsmarted a heel in TNA history.

He approaches the ring and Karen backs out and away, bawling and freaking out. He says she's within 50 feet and three guys wearing black t-shirts that say POLICE in bold letters on the front (dear god I swear I'm not even joking) come out and cuff her and take her away crying as a confused Kurt tries to stop them. Again with the handcuffs! Every single week! They put her in what looks sort of like the car my mom drives with flashing lights and take her away, presumably to Universal Studios' detention center. I wonder if she'll come out of her women in prison experience still enjoying anal sex.

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to take a moment to ponder this awesome visual I'm getting of Karen Angle getting bent over and reamed in the detention center shower more deeply. I invite you all to do the same.








Okay, that's better. You're so totally welcome for that splendiferous visual, btw.

Tenay tells us how our main event came about. He tells us Fatu used to be known as Rikishi and is a former WWE Intercontinental and Tag Team Champion. Yes, he actually said this. After these messages... we'll be right back. Aww, now I miss mid-'90s Saturday morning cartoons on CBS. Me sad. :'(

Main Event- Christian Cage vs. Junior Fatu

We're back and the feature contest is under way. Fatu, whose ample backside is thankfully fully covered tonight, shows his power, shoving Cage clean out of the ring. Headlock by Cage and he eats a shoulderblock and Fatu stands over him, causing Christian to duck out in fear. Irish whip and Fatu sticks his butt out and Cage puts on the breaks. Back body drop by 'Kishi. Fatu misses the corner charge but catches Cage for a nifty, oh, lets call it a Standing Rock Bottom for two. Junior no-sells Cage's chops and lands a headbutt, then he knocks Christian to the barricade from the apron. It's all Fatu as we go to break.

We're back and Cage is magically in control. Oh, Cage hit a missile dropkick during the commercial. Same difference. The big man is down but Cage misses the Frog Splash attempt. Cage narrowly dodges the butt drop but eats Savate Kick shortly thereafter. Butt charge in the corner puts Christian down, but he comes to just in time to escape a Stink Face. Fatu Drops the Bonzai, but Christian gets his knees up to save himself from permanently becoming one with the mat. Samoan Drop for a pair. AJ Styles is out and on the apron, but Cage takes another Savate Kick. Cage manages to get the single worst rollup in the history of professional wrestling FTW.

Winner: Christian Cage... and my eyes! Thank you for not busting out the thong from your WWE days, Mr. Fatu!

Fatu yanks AJ over the ropes and takes out both guys. Meeting of the minds! A back crash in the corners for both Styles and Cage and they are both down! AJ gets a Stink Faced capper to a terrible night where everybody he came in contact with shit on him in some way or another. Tomko makes the save, but not before Fatu rubs his ass in Christian's face too. Three on one beatdown, but Samoa Joe cleans house and the feisty Samoans take turns headbutting Tomko before he flees.

As the show closes, Judas Mesias is choking out Sting with a noose in the parking lot. Huh... okay.

Video recap to loud music and we're in the clear.

Put Over: The announcing was great tonight. Shoking, I know. Fatu and Cage put on a good match, as did Killings and Styles. Pacman being useful! The visual of Karen Angle's potential prison anal violation experience.

Bury: The last little bit of momentum Eric Young gained from his way-too-long-lasting feud with Robert Roode and partnership with Gail Kim. Shark Boy's mind-bogglingly pathetic attempt at rescuing Eric Young. Judas Mesias' unsuitably weak looking finisher.

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uhh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): I have to go with the “police” that arrested Karen Angle. They were just wearing black t-shirts that said POLICE in bold print. What's up with that?

It was a pretty ho-hum night; no crazy shit happened. The booking wasn't impossibly or even badly fucked up this week. The wrestling was topnotch as always, and was given ample time. There weren't any real comedic moments to speak of. TNA's King Ghidorah of a booking team (Jarrett, Mantell, and Russo, the three-headed kaiju) gave Jet Jaguar (that would be me) an easy one tonight. No incomprehensible bitch-fest for you this week. Sorry.

Check out Catherine's latest installment of the always excellent Deadface Walking (Click Here) and give her an idea for a new segment. Go read the Raw Rant (Click Here)... there was a freaking FLAG MATCH(!!!!1) Monday Night. For all the latest on Big Daddy V's preposterously large man titties check out the ECW on Sci-Fi Rant (Click Here). There's also a unique Rant of WWE UNFORGIVEN 2007 (Click Here) and click here for the TNA No Surrender Rant. A fresh GIMMICK TABLE (Click Here), a 2003 NO MERCY Retro Rant from arguably the last year the Mr. McMahon character was relevant (Click Here), and to see the impossible act I had to follow and judge how badly I came up short, click HERE for Sean's TNA iMPACT! RECAPITATION from last week. Does that about cover it? Am I on good terms with everybody?

Send feedback or just drop me a line via e-mail (Click Here) or my Myspace page. Until next time fanshippers, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).