OK, so I'm a Heroes freak, big deal. I couldn't think of an intro and figured that show has by far the best intros on television. Of course it's backfired cos now I'm gonna be sitting here watching this completely unrealistic show with no grounding in the real world and wishing I could watch something sensible like a load of sexy superheroes uniting to save New York.
Anyway, the show starts off with Team Pacman. Pacman said Eric should be grateful for him spraying his name on his back. Yeah, what an ingrate. The other day I graffiti'd a library and they got all pissy with me too.
Hmm strange...the shows been running for almost five minutes...surely by now...ah yes, here's Kurt Angle. Angle is looking at pictures of his possible partners, Nash compares Angle to the American flag. Were I an American or just didn't hate Americans I'd say that was inappropriate. As it stands though, meh.
Team 3D are here to battle the Motor City Machine Guns but Scott Steiner comes out and tells MCMG to take a hike and they do. Integrity: You can't buy that shit. Scott battles it out with 3D then goes and gets the table. Belly to belly on Ray but Devon's in to level Scott. 3D on Scott! Why oh why did he get that table. Ray gets on the mic and has some harsh words for Scott, one of them being 'pathetic'. They slam two chairs into Scotts throat, ow, and now security are out. STOP THOSE WRESTLERS FROM FIGHTING! Scott gets a massive powerbomb just like his brother.
The Motor City Machine Guns return to the ring and Shelley says TNA needs heroes. I need fucking Heroes, man, I'm only halfway through the boxset. VKM make their way out.
VKM vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS
Sabin is thrown down immediately and Shelly gets beat down. Kip chokes Shelley but MCMG get a flatliner/missile dropkick combo. BG gets double teamed and Shelley and Kip spill to the outside. Kip slams Shelley to the railing and slams Sabin. BG covers and that's it.
The heroes references are coming thick and fast cos that was FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET. Kip wants a worthy team to battle them. OK can we get a monkey and a dead prostitute out here? Instead we get LAX, XXX and Shark Boy & Eric Young. Huuuge brawl.
Don't worry guys, calm down, I know you're getting nervous that we haven't seen anyone with the surname Angle in fifteen minutes but it's cool cos JB is backstage with Karen herself. Despite Borash's advice, Karen says Samoans have short memories and goes into Joe's locker room. You're thinking of goldfish, Karen, GOLDFISH! Karen tells Joe if he joins forces with the Angles he could run TNA. Joe says she's right and he wants to be Kurt's partner. He wants her to be there when he takes Angle apart piece by piece. HE will lay Angle's broken body at her feet and it will all be her fault. Well, I think he certainly made his stance on that issue very clear. Very clear indeed.
Backstage with the Coalition now as Karen Angle walks in there. If I may rip off Sean's phrase yet again, TOTAL NONSTOP ANGLE! Cage says the strip club is down the street and the entire audience go 'oh that's where the strip club is' and leave. Some of that didn't happen, I'll be honest. Karen says to AJ that if he lets her help him win he will get a title shot. She then kisses him and AJ asks JB not to tell Kurt. I'd be more worried about the cameraman if I were you, AJ.
Now Karen is trying to cajole Sting into a deal. Sting acts the sanctimonious fuck and says no.
WINNER BECOMES ANGLE'S PARTNER
AJ STYLES vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. STING vs. SAMOA JOE
Everyone brawls to start then they pair off. AJ and Cage double team Joe then AJ lays out Sting. Joe battle back but gets thrown to the outside by AJ and Cage. Sting starts to fight back but also falls victim to the double team attack. They send him into the ropes but Sting hits a double clothesline then sends AJ to the outside, this will of course be met with devastating effect and he will be down for some time. Sting goes for the Deathlock but Cage reaches the ropes then hits some chops only to get hit with a bulldog by Sting. AJ drags Sting outside as Joe slides in and locks Cage in the Kokina Clutch but AJ makes the save. Double team attempt but AJ clotheslines Cage and gets an Enziguri on AJ. Joe is in full control of the two heels now, and hits a massive suplex on AJ for two. AJ is in position for the muscle buster but Cage stops it and AJ hits an Asai DDT onto Joe. Nice. Stings in with a double cross body on the heels as we go to commercial.
We return with Sting and Joe cleaning house, then Joe catapults Sting into AJ and hits a snap powerslam for 2. Stinger Splash attempt on Joe misses and Joe goes up top, grabs Sting and hits a superplex. AJ sneaks in and covers Sting for 2. Cage covers Joe but AJ breaks up the pin. They argue and exchange pinning combos, the only way to solve a gentlemen's dispute. Cage with the boots then chokes AJ out. AJ fights back though and goes for the Clash but Sting breaks it up only to get hit with a Pele. Joe and AJ take eachother down and Cage is up top. HUUUUGE MISSED FROG SPLASH! Everyone's up, Sting throws out Cage and AJ throws out Sting. Joe finishes it up by throwing AJ over the top and hitting a massive Suicide Rolling Dive. Brilliant spot as we head once again to commercial.
We return from commercial with the heels and Sting in the ring. Cage is in control after hitting an Unprettier on Joe on the outside during the break. AJ and Cage with the double suplex on Sting then they take it in turns to choke him out and lay the boots in. Sting battles back though and hits AJ with the Stinger Splash. Cage attempts the Unprettier but Sting turns it into a Death Drop and AJ breaks up the pin. AJ sends Cage to get a chair but Joe grabs it from him and they battle it out on the outside. Joe and Cage start heading towards the back and now Tomko's out with a big boot to Sting. AJ covers but it's not enough. AJ goes for the springboard but it's nicely converted into the Deathlock and that'll do.
Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Angle make their way to the ring and Kurt and Sting shake hands. We have new tag team champions! The Angles leave and now Team Pacman is here to beat down Sting. Pacman 'autographs' Sting's back nWo style but Angle makes the save. The end.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The main event was fantastic.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: I really, really didn't need quite that much Karen Angle.
Well I hope you enjoyed this weeks recap and I'll see you all again next year. Or next week, depending on how lucky I get.
Ok, so the show starts with a continuation of last weeks Total Nonstop Angle ((c) Sean Carless). Kurt says he's going to get Karen out of this then asks for a divorce. OMG That is so shocking! You know what would be even more surprising? Some fucking wrestling. No sooner had I said it...
KAZARIAN & GAIL KIM vs. ROBERT ROODE & MISS BROOKS
Roode and Kazarian start with Kazarian in control with a spinebuster for two. Roode comes back with a neckbreaker then a neck whip. Roode's in control until Kazarian gets an Edgeucution and both men hit the matt. Kazarian hits a backdrop then tags in Kim who hits a rana off the top, Kazarian sweeps the legs and Kim covers for 2. Brooks is in only to get killed with a spear by Kim. Kazarian and Roode fight on the outside as Kim rolls up Brooks FTW.
WINNER: KAZARIAN & GAIL KIM
Roode has decidedly mixed feelings about the whole thing and beats down Kazarian before arguing with Brooks. More brawling by Roode and Kazarian who decides to show Roode how to treat a lady by smooching Brooks.
You'll never guess what? My one year anniversary coincides with the 100th episode of Impact on Spike! To celebrate, I'm going to do a wee comparison between the state of affairs one year ago and now. Let's see now
THEN: One guys on top and is getting all the air time, the X-Division is in decline and Abyss just came out of a never ending feud.
NOW: One guys on top and is getting...wait...ah crap.
We go to the home of professional wrestler Christian Cage where he is with Tomko and AJ. Christian is in a wheel chair and hospital gown. Excellent. He does his heel schtick then tells AJ and Tomko to get revenge on Samoa Joe for him. Good segment.
Now James Storm is driving around looking for Rhino, ends up in a bar and beats a load of guys up. Good for him. Angle is trying to convince Cornette not to hurt a woman. God, what a heel. Trying to convince someone not to get his wife beaten up, that bastard. Cornette responds by saying they will have a lottery to find Angle's partner for his title defense next week. Karen is...not pleased.
RON KILLINGS vs. ERIC YOUNG
Young with the early advantage and a suicide dive takes Killings outside of the ring. We go to commercials and come back with Killings hitting a split leg lariat on Young. Killings in control and a Suplex/Neckbreaker type thing kills Eric. Dustin Rhodes is out to watch. Young starts to fight back but he gets taken out as Killings goes to get a chair. Killings argues with the ref and Young dropkicks the chair right into Ron's face. Young in control now but Killings destroys him with the chair then gets a Leg Drop for three. Pacman comes out for a bit of a cuddle.
WINNER: RON KILLINGS
Team 3D are backstage with Borash and they apologise to the Steiners, the fans, and everyone. They are truly sorry. Well, I'll be damned.
AJ and Tomko are in Joe's locker room and Joe kidnaps Tomko then chases AJ out into the arena. Joe is beating up on AJ when Tomko runs out as well as Cage. Cage kills Joe with a chair and it's score one to the Coalition.
Borash is backstage with the Angle family. Karen, it seems, is not entirely thrilled about the prospect of five minutes with some roided up freak. Heh, that makes her the exact opposite of Stephanie McMahon.
We get a video package of James Mitchell talking about his son, Judas Mesias. Bitchin'. Now for another super special one year feature...The 3 Best Things That Have Happened In TNA This Year.
1.) Wait, hang on, that's not right. Let's try that again without the faggity mark bullshit.
The 3 Most Hilariously Bad Things That Have Happened In TNA This Year
1.) Having a wrestler badly mistreat his wife and kids right after...well, you know what it was right after.
2.) The Abyss Family Saga
3.) The never ending amount of ridiculous match names. Next week: A Kentucky Fire Knees Match!
TURN YOUR PITCH UP, SLAP HIS BITCH UP MATCH
KURT ANGLE vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS
Angle and Scott to start off with Angle taking the early advantage by working on the right side of Scott. Angle makes the fatal mistake of posing however and ends up getting clotheslined and elbow dropped. Scott does some pushups as Angle rolls out of the ring. Commercial. We return and the Steiners are firmly in the drivers seat. Or driver seats as it where. Rick bites Angle, as you do, and Scott hits a Snapmare. Karen Angle tries to trip Rick up providing a distraction for Angle to get him from behind (hold the jokes, folks) Angle in control now with a headlock and an attempt at the Angle Slam. Rick escapes though and hits a big belly to belly and tags Scott. Scott hits Angle with a couple of suplexes then gets him up on his shoulders. Angle converts it into a Victory Roll though and it gets 2. Karen grabs Rick and he chases her around a bit before getting in the ring and powerslamming Angle. Rick up top now and a huge Bulldog destroys Angle but Karen is distracting the ref. Well whodathunkit. 3D are out now and it's a 3D on Rick!!!eleven! Angle with cover and it gets all three.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
The Angle's retreat with their titles safely in tow as 3D get the tables. Powerbomb on the Steiners and Team 3D stand tall as we close.
And as we reach the end of this episode of Impact and indeed, my first year as it's official TWF recapper we have just time...to reflect. Of course I've done enough reflecting myself so I handed the task down to a few select friends and wellwishers...
"Bullfrog is a man, who took on the most dire of tasks. Recapping TNA. For this, we kind of thank him. If we weren't too busy being too god damn ignorant." - Vince McMahon
"There's nothing like turning on your computer on a Saturday night and seeing a brand new Bullfrog recap waiting for you" - William H Macy
"British who?" - Joe Merrick
Thanks for nothing, losers.
YEAR HIGHLIGHT: That time I went to Ecuador for a bit and didn't recap TNA.
YEAR LOWLIGHT: All those weeks that I did.
Jeremy Borash makes his way down to the ring with some exciting news! Tonight we will have the first ever Angle awards! Alright so maybe exciting was the wrong choice of words. Letīs try again: Jeremy Borash makes his way down to the ring with some news! Tonight we will have the first ever Angle awards! Eric Young is also here looking for Pacmanīs autograph. Angle comes out and says that seeing as we witnessed the single greatest act in sports entertainment it is fitting that all those in on it get awards for their efforts. What a liar, everyone knows the single greatest act in sports entertainment was Val Venis getting his peepee choppy choppy-ed off. Eric comments on how it is good we have heroes like Pacman Jones. Well I suppose Eric does owe him for getting all those ghosts out of his house. Still, there was no need for Jones to eat all of Eric's strawberries and oranges.
Tenay welcomes us to the show and comments on how we got īswervedī at Hard Justice. If WCW is anything to go by, now īswerveī has become officially part of the companyīs vocabulary I reckon we have about 3 years left of TNA. We then get a video package about all the attention TNA is getting for this from the mainstream media. Yep, just as long as they don't check the opinions of actual wrestling fans about this itīs definitely a complete success. Tenay now introduces Pacman to the world and asks him about his skirmish with Ron Killings. Pacman replies by saying heīs sure it was Killings who jumped him at Hard Justice and he calls him out. Killings is out and denies attacking him. Killing says he and Pacman are like brids of a feather and as a team they could be mighty. They go off to talk to Cornette about it. Yeah, Killings and Pacman are one and the same. The only difference I can think of is that one of them is a wrestler, but that's clearly not all that important. Eric wants Pacman's autograph and he gets attacked for his trouble.
Cornette is moaning to Morgan about TNA stuff as Daniels and XXX walk in. He is not exactly thrilled about having to fight for his title shot. Cornette says tough shit, cos he lost the tag match fair and square. Cage walks in and says he doesn't want to fight Abyss in a first blood match. Figures. Cornette tells Cage there's a number one contenders spot for the winner and Cage says itīs on.
Karen Angle and her īboyfriendī arrive. She has protection against Joe. She compliments herself on sucking everyone in. Pah, pathetic Lita wannabe.
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS w/Elix and Senshi vs. JAY LETHAL w/Sonjay Dutt
Daniels takes the early advantage but Jay fights back and gets a dropkick combo for 2. Off the ropes goes Lethal but Daniels sends him outside and XXX work him over as we go to commercial. We return and Daniel gets a moonsault for two and is in control. Jay tries to battle back but gets his hair pulled. Daniels misses the BME which gives Jay the chance to hit a dropkick from the second rope. Jay is in control now, going up top after a slam for a double sledgehammer. Angles Wings attempts by Daniels is converted into a Rana then hits an enziguri. Jays up top again but Elix distracts the ref and Senshi and Daniels send Jay to the matt. Fall from Grace for 2 by Daniels and Dutt prevents Senshi from choking out Jay. Lethal Combo on Daniels gets all three counts.
WINNER: Jay Lethal.
Kevin Nash is here and he is honoured to receive his Angle Award. Nash then says a load of random phrases that donīt really make any sense when put together. I suppose I should be used to that by now. Pacman is in Cornetteīs office with Killings. Apparently the whole world will be watching if they team up, and the combined IMMENSE BRAINPOWER of Killings and Pacman will surely get around the contract. What chance do lawyers stand against the combined intelligence of a professional wrestler and an American footballer? Donīt answer that.
THE ANGLE AWARDS
Kurt and Karen make their way out with all the titles. They hype the Angle short film which I have yet to see. Angle tells us how we didnīt see it coming. How very Vince Russo. Angle shows us a video of the whole affair before presenting a joint award for Best Supporting Actor which goes to Nash and Trademark. Ten Karen wins best actress and she mocks Joe cos she sucked him in. Haha, he got sucked in by his rivals wife, what a loser! Wait..what? Jim Cornette is out and asks if this is a wrestling show. Good. Fucking. Question. Cornette congratulates Angles and tells him he will defend all the titles at No Surrender. X-Title against Lethal, World Title against Abyss or Cage. Angle has a right old strop and destroys the set.
We return from commercial with JB hyping the text service. Cage appears and says heīs going to do it alone and heīs never been pinned in TNA. Right.... Joe comes and says HE is the real champ and Cage promptly calls for his coalition.
FIRST BLOOD MATCH
ABYSS vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE
Naturally Abyss starts off in control with a big boot and a Clam Bake. Cage gets slammed into the steel and they go outside. Abyss runs at Cage but gets hit with a drop toehold and eats the steps. Tomko is walking out as we head to commercial. We return and Cage is beating down Abyss with a chair thanks to some Tomko interference. Cage attempts a conchairto but Abyss avoids it and a Goozle but itīs countered. Shock treatment is also countered but Abyss punches the chair right into Cages face. Abyss gets distracted trying to put a chair in the corner and gets dropkicked. Cage goes for the frog splash but Abyss catches him in a Goozle but Cage kicks out of it. AJ is out now with some barbed wire for Cage. Joe comes out though and chases AJ of with a chair. Joe takes the barbedwire bat off of Cage and cracks him on the head with a chair. Abyss then demolishes Cage with a chair and busts him open FTW.
Angle is out now to attack Abyss. Angle mullers Abyss with a chair but Cornette comes out to stop it. Next week Angle will go one on two with the Steiner Brothers and if they win they get five minutes with Karen. Iīm just glad heīs not a hypocrite.
I must now sincerely apologise for all my errors in this but due to using a Spanish word processor I cannot spell check.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Main event was good
SHOW LOWLIGHT: General lack of wrestling
1.) All the jokes and more have been made on every forum or messageboard out there
2.) I know nothing about American football or this Pacman dude
3.) I...can't be bothered.
Now we've got that sorted out, I'm going to recap TNA.
Leticia is with Cornette in his office and they get interrupted by Team 3D. Matt Morgan interrupts cos he is Cornette's muscle. Ray wants a rematch because they're better than anything Cornette ever managed. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar, Dudley. Cornette tells him to go take a run and jump cos he has an announcement to make.
Jim Cornette makes his way to the ring to reveal the stipulation Sting and Friends picked for Hard Justice. But before he can he is interrupted by Christian and his Coalition. How convoluted is that? Could they not have referred to them as the Christian Compadres? Christian Coalition sounds like a bunch of concerned mothers trying to stop those darn talk show hosts saying 'ass' so much. Where was I? Oh yeah, Abyss invented a match called Doomsday Chamber Of Blood. Not on a pole? Well colour me moderately surprised. What it is, is a cage match with barbed wire all over the place. The catch is you need to bust someone open to get a pinfall. This is admittedly made somewhat easier by the fact that there is barbed wire all over the place. The person who makes the pinfall on the winning team gets a title shot at No Surrender. Lets have a match then, shall we. The lights go out and Sting & Friends are there for the brawl.
Borash is with Angle who is sad. Aw. They have a bit of a cuddle as Angle says he lost everything. JB then asks Angle if he took a bath. Lol. Angle goes off to see Kevin Nash for more counseling.
Pacman Jones video package. Jesus fucking Christ.
KIP JAMES & BROTHER DEVON vs. HOMICIDE & RICK STEINER
Homicide dominates Kip early on then tags Rick in who hits him with a Steiner Line and some stiff forearms. Devon manages to distract Rick though and this gives Kip a chance to kick him in the face. Devon tries for some shots but Steiner hits him with a slam then tags in Homicide who cleans house before getting tripped by Devon. This gives Kip a chance to hit the Famouser. All four teams are in now for a bit of a sneak preview. If this sneak preview is anything to go by however, it'll end with 3D and VKM running away from the heels, so lets hope its not.
Leticia is outside Joe's locker open and gets the door slammed in her face and a video tells us that the Black Reign is coming to Hard Justice. RAAACE WAAAAR!
Angle is telling Nash how hard his life is but Nash reassures him by saying he's perfect. JB has a guest to bring in but Nash does not approve of it and Kurt has a little cry.
SIX MAN HOUSE OF FUN MATCH
RAVEN, JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE vs. RHINO, FRANKIE KAZARIAN & CHRIS HARRIS
Old school TNA here and Raven and his chums attack Kazarian during his entrance. Jacqueline Moore and Ms Brooks set the tone nicely by setting up a table immediately. Harris busts Raven open with a trash can before going after Storm. Meanwhile Kazarian tosses a chair at Roode's face and he ends up through the table somehow. Kazarian ducks a clothesline from Storm and chucks a trash can at him. Kaz tries to follow up with a spear but gets hit with the trash can lid. Storms got some nunchucks but Rhino chases him away. If you've got NUNCHUCKS there is no need to run away from anyone. Because if martial arts movies have taught me anything it's that nunchucks make you some kind of crazy immortal. Kazarian throws a chair at Roode and he catches it again, cos he's sure this time he really wants him to hold the chair an-WAIT A MINUTE he kicks it into his face. Raven totally ruins Kazarians moment by hitting him with a kendo stick. What a dick. Double team attempt on Harris is ducked and he hits a double clothesline before sending Roode outside. Kazarian countered the Raven Effect and kicks Raven into a conveniently positioned table. Roode's in though to hit Kazarian with a hammer and hit the Perfect Plex FTW.
WINNERS: RAVEN, JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE
Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring with his special guest...Karen Angle! Joe invites Karen to watch the match at the PPV from a front row seat! As the wife of a professional wrestler, that chance has never been afforded to her before now. Karen Angles balder half makes his way out. According to Joe, the TV truck says the show has started to suck now Angle is out. Hmm that doesn't seem like- WAIT A MINUTE! THE TV TRUCK DIDN'T SAY THAT ALL! Lying bastard. Kurt tries to smooth talk Karen but Karen tells him off. Joe says he enjoys watching Kurt go through a painful break up, which is nice. Team 3D are out now and they call Joe a homewrecker and a thief to boot. Ray wants the tag titles and Joe challenges them to come and get them. He attacks 3D but Angle intervenes and puts Joe in the ankle lock. 3D whip Joe with the titles while Angles doing it but now the Steiners are out to chase off Angle and face off with 3D as the show ends.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: That six man match was great.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: I don't really see where this new development in Angle/Joe is going. Karen Angle on a pole match?
I'm British Bullfrog, have a nice week y'all.
RUSSO: I just had the best fucking idea for a storyline!
RUSSO: We have a wrestler who's like a complete dick and abusive to his wife and kids! He could just get in complete rages with them.
MANTEL: Uhm, Vince....
RUSSO: Trust me! Heh, you can't make this stuff up. Now kiss me!
MANTEL: Oooh baby...
Christian Cage is in the ring with Cornette who wants to know just what the hell happened last week. According to Cornette, Cage is full of shit. Well I never. Cage and AJ will face Abyss and Sting in a ladder match with a contract for Cage/Abyss above the ring. If Cage and AJ win he doesn't have to face Abyss, but if Abyss and That Sanctimonious Fuck win Abyss gets to make up a match type...uh that is to say...'choose a match type for Hard Justice. And remember, folks, when you're ordering Hard Justice it's the TNA PPV not the porno you want. Or maybe both, the acting and production values will be about the same.
Kurt Angle arrives and shouts at his wife and kids. I always find you can keep the kids in order by giving them a bit of pillow, y'know, push some behaviour into them. And you can direct all your hatemail for that to email@example.com. Christian appears and makes a lame joke. Time for a match, I think.
TEAM 3D vs. ERIC YOUNG & CHRIS HARRIS
Harris and Devon start us off, with Ray distracting Harris to give Devon the edge. Bulldog from Harris for two then Devon gets a vertical suplex for another two count. Young's in but Devon escapes the attempted double team and tags Ray. Youngs in control and dropkicks Devon off the apron before delivering rights to Ray. Devon trips Young though, giving Ray a chance to clothesline the back of Young's head. Ray with a choke then tags in Devon for the double teams until Young hits a dual dropkick. Oh but Dustin Rhodes it out to brawl with Harris all the way to the back. Young gets hit with the reserve 3D then a spike piledriver FTW.
WINNER: TEAM 3D
Roode comes out and beats down Young now. They then tar (honey) and feather Young, as you do to everyone you hate. The other day I got set some bastard difficult English so I went round my English teachers house and covered him in honey and... wait, that came out wrong.
Borash is with Samoa Joe. Joe put himself through hell to be the true undisputed champion and he will go through Angle's wife and kid to get to him! Hell yeah, kill a professional wrestlers wife and kids! Evidently it's not that hard. Again, firstname.lastname@example.org.
After the commercial Borash is with Angle and his wife. Kurt is rude to his wife then tells his daughter if she eats candy she'll be fat like Samoa Joe. Kurt continues to be rude to his family for a bit and Mike Tenay does not take kindly to this at all! No sir.
'GURU' SONJAY DUTT & BLACK MACHISMO vs. XXX w/Elix Skipper
XXX attack straight away with Daniels being sent to the outside as Senshi gets double teamed. Plancha from Dutt but he gets caught so Machismo naturally suicide dives over all of them. The Motor City Machine Guns are out doing some scouting. XXX are dominating Macishmo, with Daniels covering for 2. Machismo tries to fight back but a double kick puts him down for a two count. Dutt gets tagged in and they finally manages to regain the advantage with a rana on Daniels then chops and a leg drop on Senshi. Senton gets two on Daniels then a Dragon DDT by Dutt on Senshi! Machismo goes up high but gets knocked off by Elix. STO by Daniels on Dutt then an Uranage by Daniels and a Warriors Way by Senshi. Daniels finishes it with the BME.
Sting and Abyss comment about the ladder match. There's going to be retribution apparently but then they would say that. Angle wants Dr. Nash to counsel his wife. Yes, Dr. Nash. Angle calls her his wife, says she needs liposuction, Nash is on awful form. Just a waste of my time, really.
AJ STYLES & CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. STING & ABYSS
AJ and Abyss are in the ring after an early attack from Sting & Abyss. Big boot to AJ. Cage is in and they try to double team Abyss only to get hit with the double clothesline. Stings up top and he flies through the air to hit a cross body. Senshi does this stuff weekly and gets no plaudits, Sting does a meager cross body and Tenay has a fucking orgasm. Cage and AJ to the outside but the faces follow and throw them back in there. Abyss and Sting get the ladder and an attempted baseball slide from AJ and Cage ends up with them getting mullered with the ladder. Commercials!
We return with Sting dropkicking the ladder into AJ and Cage, then a double Stinger Splash. Sting goes up and Cage follows him. They battle atop the ladder (atop is a fun word) and naturally Sting gets the better of him. Sting climbs again but AJ stops him and now it's AJ and Abyss turn to climb. Huuuuge chokeslam by Abyss now Tomko is out and nails Abyss with a chair.
*TNA HEAD OFFICE, SOME TIME AGO*
DIXIE: What's that? The WWE fired someone?
JARRETT: Yeah, some guy called Test. By and large he's a pretty shit wrestler.
DIXIE: Yeah but...he was in the WWE?
JARRETT: Well yeah but...
DIXIE: Get me his phone number!
*THE IMPACT ZONE, PRESENT DAY*
'The Punisher' Andrew Martin makes his TNA debut! He attacks the heels and allows Abyss to get the contract!
WINNERS: STING & ABYSS
We return from commercial and Borash is with Abyss, Sting and NOT TEST. NOT TEST says he's been watching what Cage is doing and he picked his spot cos he wants to work with a legend like Steve and the future of the business like Abyss. He is the new enforcer of TNA, and if you want to get to Sting and Abyss you DON'T HAVE TO PASS THE TEST.
Kurt Angle and the wife make their way to the ring. He says he is very compassionate and asks his wife to vouch for him. She refuses to talk and he attributes this to her mouth being full of cookies again. Joe comes out and calls Angle an ass. Heh, no argument here.Angle is hiding behind his wife who then starts laying into him. She says 12 years of living with him has been hell, and he has taken her dignity. Karen, if there's one thing you should've learned recently it's DON'T FUCK WITH YOUR ROIDED UP HUSBAND. She says their marriage is OVER.
Karen walks off but Joe takes the mic of Kurt before he can 'sweet talk' his way back into her heart. Joe is going to take the titles from him at Hard Justice, then he beats Angle down. The end.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The hilarity of the Punisher gimmick,
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The stupidity of signing Test.
Hey, TNA Impact Fans! While you're here, check out this month's featured video created
by our friend Grappleworks! Presenting TNA The Sitcom!:
Hey, TNA Impact Fans! While you're here, check out this month's featured video created by our friend Grappleworks! Presenting TNA The Sitcom!:
Yeah, so, anyway, TNA.
ABYSS VS. LANCE HOYT w/ Christy Hemme
Hoyt attacks from the early going but naturally Abyss takes control. The big man grabs a chair buy Hoyt prevents him from using it. Hoyt with the right hands but a corner clothesline and a move the name of which I do not know. That's the kind of professionalism you can only get in the Impact report. Splash by Abyss is missed and this gives Hoyt a chance to knock his opponent to the floor, Hoyt goes up but the moonsault misses. Goozle by Abyss but Hoyt escapes and hits two clotheslines only to get Goozled again and hit with the chokeslam. Only a two count though and Christy Hemme distracts the ref. Abyss grabs the chair but Hoyt kicks him and lays the chair on the big mans face. Up top now goes Hoyt for the coast to coast but he comes up short land Abyss mullers him in the mouth with the chair for two. Trade rights then Hoyt goes off the rope but gets killed with a Black Hole Slam. 3 count, obviously,
Uh oh, Abyss has his bastard bag. Basham runs out to save Hoyt, though, until VKM attack Hoyt & Basham. I would sacrifice Abyss if I could just blow up that damn ring and all around it. Now Hemme is stuck in the ring alone with Abyss, but he's a nice kinda guy so he'll probably just leave her be. Or not. Now my blowing up ring and surrounding area plan is complicated because fucking Tomko comes out by AJ is with him. They beat down Abyss as I ponder this dilemma. Hang on, the lights are out and it's everyone's favourite veteran with magical powers who's too old to be wrestling...THE UNDER- wait no, STING! Well that completely solves my dilemma. Great, now Abyss and Sting are the best of mates and they stand tall. The Undertaker says they will see them in three days and then gives the mic to Kane who says that three days is DOOMSDAY for Tomko and Styles. And no I did not just get there names wrong.
Apres les commercials Borash is with Christian and his trusty Coalition. You'll never guess what happens....they argue! They want to know who their partner is and Cage says he'll pull a rabbit out of the hat. AJ says he's pretty sure a rabbit is in no fit state to wrestle but Cage counters this by saying that neither is Sting. AJ says good point but then none of that happened. The partner isn't a rabbit after all, it's Robert Roode and it's his time to shine! These past few years he's just been warming up, I suppose. Tomko accuses Cage of preferring Roode and AJ leaves.
ULTIMATE X MATCH QUALIFIER
KAZ vs. HAVOC vs. SABRETOOTH vs. MARTYR vs. VENOM
Oh yes, it's the Marvel Villains Style Name Showdown. Alright it's not, but it damn well could be.
ULTIMATE X MATCH QUALIFIER
KAZ vs. HAVOC vs. MARTYR
Havoc and Martyr beat down Kaz to start, big boot then a neckbreaker. The action spills outside of the ring. Action is a liquid, so it spills. Kaz attempts to fight back but continues to be double teamed. Doomsday suplex on Kaz gets a two count. Kaz gets a big boot and right hands to both but Havoc gets a poke right in the eye of Kaz. Yakuza shot to Havoc by Kaz who then counters a superkick and rolls up Martyr for all three counts.
Raven comes down and they all beat up Kaz with kendo sticks. Good for them.
Don West and James Storm talk about alcoholism and Rhino in a bar. Don West is all preachy about alcoholism sucking balls. These alcoholics always moan just cos they're alcoholics. You wanna see misery, I know a guy who has to recap TNA every single week.
Ron Killings tells you not to smoke or you'll end up black as him. Sorry, I don't know how Joe Merrick's joke got into my recap.
Paparazzi time and it's Old School vs. New School. Backlund & Lynn vs. Shelley & Sabin. Alex accuses Lynn of being in Nickelback. That motherfucker! A brawl happens, Sabin says he loves Kevin Nash, I get disappointed cos it's not as funny as Paparazzi normally is.
KURT ANGLE, SAMOA JOE & TEAM 3D vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE, TOMKO, AJ STYLES & ROBERT ROODE
Roode and Devon start us off with Devon in control. Splash by Devon then a spinning elbow gets two. Cage in, only to get hit with a shoulderblock for another two count. Ray's in and gets a flapjack on Cage for two. Ray stalls a suplex for a hundred years then tags in Joe who obviously dominates. Senton back splash by Joe then a snap mare and some chops. Knee drop for two and Cage pokes Joe in the eye. Tomko tags in and forearms are traded before an enziguiri by Joe leads to Tomko tagging in Roode. Joe's large and in charge with a flapjack then a tag to Devon. Brother Ray and Joe argue whilst Devon chokeslams Roode. Commercials!
We return with Roode beating down Devon. Meanwhile on the apron Ray's arguing with Angle this time. Cage tags in, then Tomko as the heels dominate Devon. Powerslam for two by Tomko. Devon tries to battle back but ends up nailing Ray, he still hits Tomko with a Tornado DDT though. Devon tags in Joe who obviously dominates again. Tiger Bomb on AJ by Joe gets a two count. The Coalition run in to pull Joe off AJ as he locks in the STF. Team 3D run in as Angle relaxes on the outside. Joe takes down a couple of heels but gets thrown to the floor. Ray comes in and a its a reverse 3D on Roode. Cage is in and Ray hits him with a Doomsday. Joes in and Island Drivers Tomko, Pele by AJ who then gets killed by Joe. Cage is up top, but Joe throws AJ into him. Angle blind tags in, clips Joe's leg and covers AJ for the pin! Cheeky!
WINNERS: KURT, JOE & TEAM 3D
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).