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June 07, 2007
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June 28, 2007

 TNA Impact Report

Neil Cathan signing in with the TNA iMPACt report for 28/07/07. After struggling for nearly 24 hours-I have found the right video.
You'd better be grateful...

Griping aside, apparently the entire hour tonight will be taken up with one match. Which means Russo is left weeping openly somewhere, as this match will go more than 5 minutes. We must be in some kind of bizarro iMPACT! That said I expect a over booked run in fest.

Hype video plays, and this fits in with everyone who said that TNA is turning into death bed WCW. This is just stunt booking to try to grab ratings.

Rhino makes his entrance, and out next is Christian Cage, who the commentators put over huge.If he loses his undefeated streak to Angle tonight, I'm going to stab Russo to death in his own home. In court I can just present Destination X as evidence. I'll get justifiable Homicide.

Speaking of Homicide...Ah, I kid, it's just Angle. No LAX for you tonight.

Cage gets a surprisingly strong heel reaction. As does Angle. Crowd is hot for Rhino by default. Joe makes his way out for commentary, heading to the ring and shaking hands with Rhino and tries to shake with Cage, who ducks away. Angle goes for the handshake, and Joe demolishes Angle, throwing him into the crowd, and taking him out all over the building.
Wrestlers break the two up, and they're in their ring gear. Uh, guys,you realise you're not wrestling tonight, right?Cornette makes Joe leave he building where I like to think he's doing commentary all by his lonesome.
Commercial and all three are back in the ring.

Kurt Angle (c) vs Rhino vs Christian Cage NO DQ for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship

Three way brawl, and both men go for Rhino. Don West contradicts himself in one sentence, by saying there's no glass ceiling, and that Rhino, a former world champ being put in this match proves it.Don rode the short bus to school. Don had a friend who went with him to lessons to make sure he understood. Don had to take some pills every day.See what I'm getting at yet?

Both heels work Rhino over,who mounts several failed comebacks, but the two heels continue to work him over. Rhino out with lariats for both men and a backdrop on Cage.
Cage sent into the corner, lifts himself up as Rhino comes in, but Rhino catches him for a running powerslam.
Angle breaks up the pin, and Rhino gets a belly-to-belly on Cage. Backbreaker on Rhino gets 2.
Angle puts Rhino in a chokelock that will get him nowhere if he heads to be brutally murdered in MMA. Rhino to his feet, electric chair drop for Angle.
Cage watching outside the ring, as Rhino switches a suplex around. Rhino sets up for a gore, but Christian crotches him on the turnbuckle post. Angle comes running in for Cage, who's in ring now, but meets the post.
Reverse DDT gets two on Angle, followed by a neckbreaker. Surely it's just bad luck to hit Angle with that?
Christian hits a reverse elbow on Angle, sending him out, and as Rhino comes back, he is taken out with a dropkick from Christian. Abdominal stretch on Rhino, who powers out, and Cage avoids being sent out.
Rhino sets Christian up for a superplex, but Angle tries to set up the powerbomb, only to be knocked down. Rhino splashes on Angle, and Christian lands on both with a frogsplash for two on Angle.

Commercial break, and we're back to the three way. What, did you expect anything else?

Rhino hits a clothesline and shoulderblock in corner on Cage, but is European uppercutted by Angle.
Angle with German for Rhino and 5 for Cage. Crowd tell Angle he sucks, as he applies the ankle lock. Rhino rolls Angle up for 2.
Angle drops out of an Oklahoma slam for the ankle lock, and Cage comes in, only to be put in one.
Rhino and Cage roll out, and clothesline Angle, then each other as all three are out on the mat.
Cage goes up top, where Rhino follows, but is shoved off, into a german supex, and Angle follows with a spiderman suplex for Cage.Hate to say it, but he can't make that work anymore.
Christian hits the Unprettier on Angle, who kicks at 2.
Rhino up top with a clothesline for two. Elevated boston crab on Angle, and Rhino sees Christian come in, and sends him off the apron. Rhino runs into a knee, followed by an angle slam for 2. Cage pulls a table into the ring, which Angle interrupts the set up of, only to have his head hit against it. Cage has the same done to him by Rhino who sets the table into the corner. Cage cheapshots Rhino, but Abyss chases him backstage.

Abyss catches him, taking him out, and there's a belly-to-belly in the ring before we go back to Abyss throwing Cage into stuff backstage. Christian's Coalition go after Abyss, dressed in STREET CLOTHES. Thank you, that actually makes sense.

Back in the ring, where a german suplex gets two. Christian heads back towards the ring, as his lackeys put the hurt on Abyss.

Angle is still in control back in the ring, as he chokes Rhino in the corner. Rhino gets a belly-to-belly off, following with the huge table gore.
Cage makes his way back into the ring to see both men down.Cage makes his way back to cover Angle, but Christian's problems continue tonight as Harris pulls him out and beats Cage down, for the Coalition to return and destroy Harris.Rhino covers Angle, but took too long getting there, only making it to 2.
Abyss back to ringside, throwing AJ into the guardrail, and Tomko starts brawling with him again.Sting is out to even the odds of the 3 on 2 beat down.

Commercial break, and we're back to a brawl in the ring.
Harris takes Cage into the crowd, Abyss sends Tomko to the timekeeper's table, where they fight into the crowd as Sting sends AJ running up the ramp. Tomko has done a sick blade.

Angle has Rhino in a headlock. Exciting crowd brawl or resthold. Man-I'm so glad they focused on the ring action at this time.
Rhino powers out for a TKO. Rhino crawls desperately for a cover, only getting a two. Angle lays the punches into Rhino in the corner, followed with a top rope belly to belly.
Rhino kicks at two. This is actually a great match. I didn't think these guys could carry as long as they've gone, and I'll admit the run ins and NO DQ nature really add to it.
Ankle lock on Rhino, who is fighting not to tap, and eventually powers out by turning over and kicking Angle away.
Rhino sets up for a gore, but James Storm mists Rhino with the beer, letting Angle hit the slam for three.

Winner and still TNA Champion: Kurt Angle

Ok, that match was actually pretty goddamn awesome! Best iMPACT in an age, although it feels like they're giving away PPV quality matches on TV for ratings.
The smark in me will forgive them this time though, as they didn't botch it and instead gave it a good long time.

Oh, and Team 3D will defend against LAX and AJ/Daniels. Next week. I may just see you there.

Send feedback to Neil Cathan

 TNA Impact Report

Show opens with Abyss walking around backstage looking angry as all hell.
Recap of all the action at Slammiversary. Including the least deserving man in the match getting the world title.

Cornette is in the ring to tell us about Victory Road. Cornette calls all the champions to the ring.
Oh dear. Only one of them hasn't been a big name in WWE, and he's imitating a big name in WWF.
TNA has really caught WCWitis recently, with the use of WWE talent so heavily, and celebrity appearances basically every other PPV.
Hell "Match of champions" at next PPV. Isn't the next WWE PPV called "Night of Champions"?
Tag match for the main event, with World-X champs vs Tag champs. If one of the singles champs is pinned, the tag guy gets theirs as well. And if one of the tag champs is pinned, that person takes both the bets, and picks their partners.

Angle rants about how important he is. And then reads who he wants to thank off a piece of paper.
He would like to thank:
Himself for making it all possible.
Himself for doing everything he said he would.
Himself for putting TNA on the map.
Himself for being the best wrestler in the world.

He then goes on about how the crowd are fickle, and can't decide whether they want to support him, as the crowd continues to rain down the boos, saying that all he ever heard was "Joe's Gonna Kill You"
Fans go into a loud "Joe's gonna kill you" chant. Angle starts to insult Joe, before thanking God for giving the TNA fans a role-model in himself.
Cornette shouts at him, cutting a great promo. Next week, Angle vs two former TNA champions. Hang on, there are no other TNA champions. Surely he's still allowed to talk about Danielson's belt (Well...soon)

Tonight however: Black Machismo vs Chris Sabin vs Samoa Joe.

JB backstage telling us that a big name is joining TNA soon, and that if you join TNA mobile, they'll tell you it's RVD. or Sabu. Or both. Take your pick.

BM cuts a promo backstage, while Gandutt sits cross legged on the floor, praying. Fucking Russo.

Robert Roode/James Storm vs Eric Young/Rhino!

Rhino clears the ring of the heels, letting Young in, as the heels slide back in. Roode with a sneak attack. Oh look-that feud's still going. Young with the Thesz press, but Storm cuts him off, letting Roode do a beatdown.

Storm in with a beatdown, knee drop and leg drop for two. Storm dominates Young in the corner, but Eric mounts a brief comeback, which is blocked, before Rhino gets in, dominating both heels. Jackie Moore jumps on Rhino's back, and Rhino sees her off, but turns into a superkick for three.


Storm pours beer on Rhino, which sets him off, as he chases the heels away. Eric tries to calm him, but is shoved off his feet. Rhino leaves the ring, knocking over ring steps, throwing chairs around, and destroying the announce table.
Man, he's angrier than when he lost his NWA title. Obviously not having beer poured on him is more important than world championships.

Don West and Mike Tenay are now standing up for commentary. And we still can't see their legs. They're probably naked from the waist down, you know. I would be.

Jarrett package from Slammiversary. I felt like shit for recapping it a few days ago. Read it there, I'm gonna give this the respect it deserves this time around.

Crowd gives an emotional response. Which it's damn hard not to. Jarrett's dedication is nothing short of amazing. The whole time his wife was ill, he was working for TNA, working for the fans. I hope he takes all his time coming back.

Leticia backstage with Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe scares Leticia away, keeping the mic, and shouting about how he wants in on the tag match. Joe can talk so damn well.

Chris Harris vs Raven

Raven tosses Harris outside the ring, Russian leg sweeping him twice into the rails, before destroying Harris in the ring.
Bulldog gets two, but Harris with a Thesz Press, followed by a jumping clothesline.
Serotonin minus Kaz(arian) come out, running interference, but Arian comes out to attack Raven, costing him his match.

Winner: Chris Harris

Cage cuts a great promo on Chris Harris. I could just have said Cage cuts a promo on Harris.

Christian sees someone come in, and dashes off. Abyss is out, destroying Cage. Cage rolled into the ring, and Abyss with the barbie bat, but Coalition out to attack Abyss. Abyss tears the coalition apart, but Christian has bailed.

Cornette promo on his monster, who's entering TNA soon...to launch fireballs at Vince Russo for all our entertainment. BURN, RUSSO, BURN!

Ahem... Joe is out first for our next match, and main event.

Samoa Joe vs Chris Sabin vs Jay Lethal(c) for the TNA X division championship.

Sabin is out next, followed by our champion for nearly a week-Black Machismo. If Joe's not the champ at the end of tonight, I will take your hat, put it on my barbeque, wait till it's just the right side of burnt, and pour Meanie sauce all over it, before eating it.

Sabin rolls out of the ring, leaving BM with Joe, who demolishes him. Sabin tries to take advantage of the distraction, but Joe is now beating both down. The rivals team up, taking Joe down with a double dropkick. BM and Sabin take it outside, but Joe suicide dives both. Commercials, and Joe has BM in the ring.

Powerslam on BM, Sabin with a missile dropkick on Joe, sending BM to corner for running boot. Tree of Woe, hesitation dropkick, Joe gets Sabin up for a powerbomb, Sabin rolls through for two. Kick and senton on Sabin by Joe. BM avoids a musclebuster, and knocks Joe to the mat. Sabin interrupts the Elbow, but Joe musclebusters Sabin for three.
Man, that barbeque was heating up real nice. I'll get you hat real soon.

Oh-and Dixie Carter REALLY hates money. Cage vs Angle vs Rhino FREE on TV next week.

I may or may not see you then. It's all up to Anvil, I guess. If I don't, I had a hell of a time doing this.

Send feedback to Neil Cathan

 TNA Impact Report

Welcome to the TNA iMPACT RANT! I'm Neil Cathan, standing in for Bullfrog, who's standing in for Anvil, who's standing in for...Oh. Way to break the chain.
Tonight, big 8 man tag match, final slots for KOTM decided, and generally the hard sell episode for Slammiversary.
Cornette tells Angle, AJ and Joe there's a meeting in his office in 10 minutes. Christian stops him with a list of TNA workers, and says he's ruled his opponent down to...SHARK BOY.
Cornette hilariously tells him he has "bigger fish to fry". Bastard. I was going to make that joke.
Cornette's "Going to have fun tonight" And the 8 man tag that was so hyped is opening the show. Ok then.

Basham&Damaja w/Christy Hemme,Steiners w/Injury vs VKM w/begging to be let back to WWE,Team 3D w/begging to be let back to WWE.

Right, Scott's meant to be too injured to work, so I'm confused about this 'un.
Oh, and I don't know which one's Basham, and which one's Damaja. I'll find a name for them by the end of this recap though.

D-Von starts off with a B&D member. 3D attacks him, using mega powers of double teamerage. Scott's tagged in.
B.G in, and this is just the wrong side of boring at the moment. Shake,rattle and roll, but the Steiners beat the hell out of B.G Bashamja in, but B.G manages the get a DTH, and Kip is in. House on fire! Terible Stinger Splash on Dasham, hits the fameasser, or whatever he calls it nowadays.
Match descends into a ridiculous brawl, and Steiners hit a doomsday super bulldog on Kip. Bashamja and VKM go at it outside the ring, and the Steiners slowly turn around to see Team 3D! Ker-Brawl. D-Von into the announce table. Tilt a whirl on Baajsahmmad (Hey! Harder than it looks, you know), but Christy Hemme, who TNA mobile are literally whoring out, distracts the ref, so no pin is counted, allowing that tag team to get a quick roll up for three.

Winner: Those guys and the Steiners. You know who I mean.

Footage is shown of James Storm getting in some sports star's face at a press conference, and they will face each other at Slammiversary.

Meeting in Cornette's office, and Joe and Angle are arguing. Cornette restores order. Each of the wrestlers who didn't qualify will be put in a 6-man tag against those that did. And if one of those guys gets the pin, they'll get the person they pinned's spot.
Angle,Joe and Styles are angry. I'd assume that's up next, with Cage's match as a main event.

Hype video for KOTM. Hype video for Slammiversary. Hype video for LAX vs Hector Guerrero. HYPE CENTRAL!

Hector Guerrero and Harris are backstage with J.B. Hector, Rhino and Harris vs L.A.X at Slammiversary. Hector talks really fast in Spanish.

Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe and AK Styles vs Rhino,Sting&Tyson Tomko.

Tomko music plays, but he's not coming out. Rhino and Sting are out now.
Personally, I'm praying for Rhino to take Angle out of this. I'm a huge mark for Rhino, and I think he's one ex-WEE guy who really turned himself into a TAN guy, like Cage, and I really think that should be rewarded.
Tomko has been taken out backstage, as some quick footage shows us.
Joe and Angle hip toss AK into the ring, and Rhino destroys him. AK gets the tag out. Joe's in, and after a quick brawl, Joe gets a stiff kick on Rhino. I really could just have written "Joe gets a kick on Rhino" Everything that man does is stiff. Angle tagged in, but Joe and AK refuse the tag back.
AK fighting outside with Rhino, and Sting is doubled teamed inside. Daniels runs out, and offers himself as a third partner. Sting tags him in, but Daniels hits the Last Rites, allowing Joe and Angle to pin Sting. OK, that was kind of cool.

Winner: AK Styles, Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle.

Criminally short match though.

Handout, Nash and Black Machismo are holding hands backstage. Handout tells BM to love Chris Sabin like a man, and they all pray together. I'm going to go ahead and blame Vince Russo. Poor Duty. I miss the "Plays from the Himalayas", and I'm guessing he does too. Watch out for Handout driving a taxi for a run in at Slammers.

Christian Cage vs ?

Cage cockily comes out, and you guessed it, here comes the monster Abyss. Christian goes for Abyss, but Abyss just annihilates Cage. Single handed press above his head, and Cage is sent to the floor. Cage tries to escape, but is sent into the steps. Abyss follows Cage into the crowd. Commercial break, and they're back in the ring, and Cage has control. Teena tells us that the 5th for KOTM man will be announced at Slammiversary.
Apparently a DTH onto the steps, and a missile dropkick gave him the control. Cage goes for the Frog Splash, but he's goozled, only to drop out the back of the chokeslam, locking in a sleeper, but Abyss drops back. Corner avalanche on
Cage, followed by a flapjack. Cage in corner, backdropped off the top when he goes for the sunset flip powerbomb. Abyss splashes onto Cage, gets two. Shock Treatment into an Unprettier, back into a Shock Treatment, Cage gets out, caught with the chokeslam for two.
Low blow on Abyss, and Cage distracts ref as Tomko attacks Abyss. Cage with the frogsplash for two, which looked like three to me with the ref pretending it was two. Cage chases the ref, but on getting into the ring, eats a Black Hole Slam. Tomko distracts the ref, while the crowd counts to 5 on the pin. AJ slides Cage a chair, which Abyss punches, sending Cage down. AJ runs in, and is pressed onto Tomko on the outside. Abyss takes the chair,cracking it across Cage's skull. DQ for Abyss, who chair shots Ref.
Abyss gets the tacks out, and he's just the same monster, only fighting everyone. I like this. Abyss destroys security as they run out. Abyss absolutely destroys about 20 men. Broken glass in the bag rather than tacks. HOLY SHIT! Tries for the chokeslam on the tacks, and Tomko and AJ come down to beat Abyss down. Cage tells them to wait up, and gets a barbed wire bat. Tomko and AJ hold Abyss still, but as Cage comes in, Abyss boots him. Abyss sends everyone outside the ring.

Winner: ME! I totally marked for that match.

Great hype up video for Slammiversary. I'll see you there in just under a week. Gotta say, they've done a good job of hyping me up for this.

Send feedback to Neil Cathan

 TNA Impact Report

Bullfrog's doing something else exciting this week, so I'm coming in for TNA. Two former world champions clash on today's impact. Translation: Dixie Carter hates PPV pay off matches. Then again, that's obvious enough. So without an awful lot of further ado...
I was lead to believe two former world champions were going for the mountain slot this week.
We get Harris vs Storm in the main event. Because a singles match makes sense 4 weeks after their bloody blow off match.
I kinda had my hopes up for Russo vs Homicide. Complete with Homicide "accidentally" botching Da Gringo Killa. Come on people, you know that'd make GREAT TV. Then again, they could have given us Russo vs Backlund, so I guess I should just count myself lucky.
Anyway, opening contest and Robert Roode (You WILL love him [/Catherine]), who despite Team Canada origins, apparently comes from Wall Street, New York. Then again, Team Canada was originally an X-Division team, so as he's not X, maybe he's not Canadian.
Wow, I put WAY too much thought into that. Anyway, he's wrestling my favouritist wrestler ever.

Robert Roode vs Jerry Lynn

Roode beats on Lynn, he gets a tilt-a-whirl headsscissors, arm drag, armbar and knee drops from Lynn. Fans chanting "We Want Eric" Tools. Enjoy watching a master at work.
Roode powers Lynn into the corner, but Lynn uses his mega awesome kicks. Hits the ropes, but generic back drop on Lynn. Lynn sent outside, and whipped into the barrier.Charge meets a quick kick, but Roode spears Lynn into the barrier. Gutbuster on Jerry Lynn.
Waistlock on Lynn, who hits elbows on Roode, and gets a headscissors. Roll up gets two. DDT gets two. Lynn goes for the Cradle Piledriver, and Tracy distracts Earl Hebner, allowing Roode to be all cheaty for the pin.
WINNER:Robert Roode
Roode putting the boots to Lynn, and Young runs out. Roode escapes by throwing Brooks to Eric, who's no longer smitten with Brooks, having found Christy. Goddamn, I was gonna feel really clever linking to that NIN video with TNA stars, but Youtube went ahead and removed it.
Young sets up for a chair shot on Brookes, but Spike TV won't let them hit women anymore, so Cornette comes out and books her against Gail Kim instead. Incidentally, did you know that Spike TV used to be called TNN? Yes That TNN  Ring any bells? I can't believe I compared this overbooked nonsense to ECW. I think Paul Heyman's gonna hurt me. Luckily, he can't afford the plane fare here, so I should be ok. (I kid Paul, you're great)

TNA Mobile Question: Who Will Christian Cage face for his slot?
A) Jeff Jarrett (Dealing with family problems)
B) Chris Jericho (Renegotiating for a return to WWE)
C) Scott Steiner (Injured)
Gee...TNA Mobile, I think I might just have to go for none of the above. Or better yet, I won't let you take all my money with this horrible TNA Mobile thing.

AJ is being interviewed by JB, when Cage grabs his from behind into a dark closet. Yesiree, way to beat that "Wrestling is gay LOLZ" argument.

Gail Kim vs Tracy Brookes
Gail Kim chases Tracy around the ring, but on getting back in, puts the boots to Kim. Advantage doesn't last for long, and Gail shows off her good wrestling skills. Gail crotched up top, and clocked and knee struck across the ropes. Tracy surprises me with a gut wrench suplex, and a Regal stretch.
Gail Kim gets control back and gets the hurricarana, followed by clotheslines, and a great knee drop for 2. Brooks with a jawbreaker. Kim gets a roll up for three.
That match surprised me. I knew Gail could have a great match, but it turns out Brooks can work. Roode comes out, and he'd get over big as a heel to beat up Gail, but instead he just lets her hit him until Tracy attacks., before shouting and flicking sweat at her.


Loser: Heel heat

Tomko is looking for Christian, and JB points him to the man love room of AJ and Cage, which Tomko enthusiastically enters, while JB looks on with glee.

And...TNA is still putting over Steiners vs Team 3D. Uh, guys. Steiner CANNOT wrestle. Not his usual kind of not being able to wrestle. No, he's injured. He is not in fit state to work.
They should be working out a way out for this, not still hyping it.

Tomko is in more rooms. That closet apparently has corridors. Tomko finds Christian and asks him why he screwed him. I had to re-watch to make sure I wasn't horribly imagining this and I didn't.
Christian's Exact words: "If I wanted to screw you, I would've blown you off three years ago." Oh dear.
Christian puts over how he helped Tomko achieve his dream, instead of being a prison guard. Christian's money on the mic. This ridiculous angle just got awesome, all thanks to Christian talking.

Storm is out first, accompanied by Jackie Moore. Chris Harris comes out, and if they don't just throw the rules out the window for this, I will eat YOUR hat.
Brawl on the outside, and now fighting in the crowd. Harris throws Storm's head into the wall repeatedly, but as Harris taunts, Storm is back. Harris reverses a whip, sending Storm into the rail.
Storm throws Harris into the wall, but Harris comes back, and repeats his body press spot from Sacrifice. Harris's head placed in a chair, which takes a chair shot. Your hat is safe, rest assured.
Advert break.Harris is bleeding heavily, as is Storm, but I have no idea what from.
Storm gets out a table, as does Harris. Both men both get trash can lids, and Storm throws a trash can in the ring.
Both men run at each other with the lids, and trade shots. Harris gets a trash can shot for Storm, and goes for the pin. Fans get into a "This is awesome!" chant.
Harris sent into corner, but gets the boot up for a charge, and hits a jumping sunset flip.Storm rolls through however, and slingshots Harris into a chair wedged in the turnbuckles for two. Advert break, and Harris is in control. Oh, thanks. Storm sent outside, skins the cat, but takes a shot while doing it.
Harris goes for a spear, but takes a trashcan shot. Fans into "TNA" chants. Flipping senton through a table on the outside on Harris. Both men brawl. Jackie hands Storm a beer bottle, which he throws at Harris. Harris ducks, and spears Storm through the wall.
OH MY GOD, that's solid CARDBOARD. Rudy Charles (ref) announces that if neither man gets back into the ring by ten, they will lose their shot.

Krazy Kurt and Joe start coming out, and Harris and Storm are both counted out. Joe and Kurt start brawling. Because we haven't had a random brawl this show. Security separates Joe and Angle. AJ out, and the fighting continues.
JB is talking to Cornette, who claims they've been fighting for ten minutes. By Cornette time over estimations, I went 3 hours in bed with your mum last night.

Cage demands to know who he's facing next week, and as Cornette starts to speak, the audio cuts out briefly. I'll find out with my powers of internet, and tell you what he said afterwards.
Cornette tells him that it's "someone Cage has said he has no respect for" Ok then, I didn't miss anything.

Right, if my bitter anger hasn't got me kicked off this gig, I'll see you next week. Where I promise to be a happy, productive member of the team.

Send feedback to Neil Cathan

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).