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March 01, 2007
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Recently
it has become clear that the strain of recapping TNA has left me stressed and with a blood pressure count that'd make my fat
uncle Paddy blush. And he never blushes. So I've taken up a few hobbies to try and ease the stress, my favourite being Beat
Poetry which I rock at. Check it out: TNA.
T....NA. T....nah., Vince
Russo is a cock, it's true, But
AJ well he still rocks, sacre blue, T....nah,
T.....yeah, T......NA, Eat
your heart out Jack Kerouac. Man,
I really need to stop with the opening sketches. Right,
anyway, TNA. As we came on air this week we saw Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test. I thought it was boring until all
his bones dissolved into dust, that was just cool. X-DIVISION
XSCAPE MATCH JERRY
LYNN vs. ALEX SHELLEY vs. SONJAY DUTT vs. SHARK BOY vs. AUSTIN STARR Hey,
haven't seen Shark Boy in a while, good to see him in action. And that's no joke either, I truly love Shark Boy. I mean imagine
the writers coming up with that character: "I mean the X-Division is pretty cool at the moment but it just doesn't seem....aquatic
enough. We need, like a shark!" "Yeah
but will that appeal to the youth demographic?" "Good
point, but what if he was like a Shark...Boy!" "I
love it" Any
way, a great little match here with all the high flying spots you'd expect if you put these five guys together. Proper clusterfuck
to start off with, bit too much to keep track with. Some hip tosses here, moonsaults there, and some Germans thrown in. The
order of elimination was: Alex Shelley (Via DSD by Sharkboy), Sonjay Dutt(Cradle Piledriver by Lynn), Shark Boy (Starr Buster…which
I’m pretty sure is known as a plain old Supernova in Scientific Circles) then finally Austin Starr, who suffers a Destroyer
at the hands of Petey, leaving Jerry Lynn in the ring and I'm sure Chris Daniels won't attack him this time, he'll be expecting
that. Escape
rules now apply as both Petey and Jerry (Fuck me it’s like a Kindergarten up in here) struggle at the top of the cage
after some blows, but finally ol’ Jerry Lynn gets the upper hand and drops down for the win. WINNER:
JERRY LYNN So
after the match Chris Daniels attacks Jerry Lynn. Daniels hits Lynn with a baseball bat and there is much brawling. Your
NWA CHAMPYUN OF THE WOOOOOORLD Christian Cage alongside Steiner and AJ Styles comes out now. Cage tell sthe world that Scott
Steiner has joined Team Cage. Really, I couldn'tve figured that one out from last week. He is also announces Abyss as the
fourth member. He needs to realise that just because you keep saying something it doesn't mean it's going to happen. However,
just in case I may as well try it. I have a hot date tonight! Here's hoping. Any how, the fith and final member of the team
is going to be none other than Tomko. Tomko comes out and accuse Cage of breaking promises! What, the obnoxious heel character
is breaking promises now? What has become of wrestling. Tomko is promised a title match after Lockdown and I see no reason
why he shouldnt believe him. Team Angle then make their way out and Kurt offers Tomko a spot on Team Angle. Tomko is considering
the offer when none other than Jim Cornette makes hi way out. Cornette wants to settle this once and for all so a member of
Team Cage will face a member of Team Angle and the winner will get Tomko. Cornette also promises Tomko a title shot. The way
this is going every Impact after Lockdown for two months will have a title match in the main event. No, I don't think I'm
exaggerating at all. JAMES
STORMw/Miss Jacke and a Chris Harris interference waiting to happen vs. ERIC YOUNG w/ No dignity Okay
so the story of this match is: Nothing really. It's still not a bad match but clearly this one is only there so that both
wrestlers storylines can progress after it. One of which is a great angle that's been very well built and the other one is
a simple comic relief angle that went horribly, horribly wrong. Storm dominates for the majority of this match, save a few
come back attempts from Young and picks up the win after Young goes up top, but Jackie shoves him off right into a startling
superkick. WINNER:
James Storm After
the match, Chris Harris and Gail Kim brawl with Storm and Miss Jackie whilst Robert Roode and Tracy Brooks come out to chastice
Eric. Apparently he's a dsifrace to the sport. Young looks like he's about to punch Roode but then Petey Williams comes out
to do it for him. Williams goes for the Canadian Destroyer but Roode slips away. KURT
ANGLE vs. ABYSS Lockup
to start off with, then Angle gets a single leg takedown followed by a leglock. Nice psychology here as Abyss starts brushing
off Angle but he constantly comes back as ruthless as ever. You know, like when you take an ice cream from a retard. Abyss
soon gains control when he hit’s a stalling suplex for two then follows up with a neck vice. It gets even again, though,
when Angle fights back and eventually hit’s a forearm followed by a German. Abyss goes for the shock treatment but somehow
Angle reverses it into an ankle lock, and after some struggling and rolling about, a fucking Ref Bump occurs. This leads to
a Black Hole for 2, counted by a new referee. Goozle on Angle, but he reverses, and it’s a rollup for the win! WINNER:
KURT ANGLE Tomko
walks into the ring to sign with Team Angle only to attack him and sign with Team Cage. About
damn time I got a chance to use that sign. Anyway, the remainder of Team Angle and Team Cage run into the ring and have an
immense brawl which leaves Team Angle laying in the ring. SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Probably getting to use the swerve alarm, or the opener. SHOW LOWLIGHT: I really don't like the Eric Young angle at all.
SWERVE ALERT!
Oh hi there! Didn't see you come in. I'm NBA hall of famer British
Bullfrog and I'm here today to talk to you about...TNA Impact Syndrome. Now a lot of you may think that TNA Impact Syndrome
doesn't affect you, that you are immune to the symptoms due to having friends or better yet a sexual partner. But TNA Impact
Syndrome can strike at any time and to any one and it may be happening to you. When you're driving down the road do you sometimes
do a full one-eighty degree swerve for no reason? Do you take something awesome that you own and ruin it by adding and adding
stuff to it until it is unrecognisable? Are you a tad incomprehensible at times? If you fall into any of these categories
there is a good chance that you could be suffering from TNA Impact Syndrome. If you need help or advice please call free of
charge on 0800 00 1066. Thank you.
Sooo...opening sketches, eh? How lame are they!
The show opens with the kind of intense action that TNA has been exhibiting to such
a flawless degree lately: A backstage interview with Jeremy Borash. In what I'm sure will be the first of many of these epics
Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe and Rhino get the Borash Treatment. They seem to think they are the best wrestlers about. What a bold
sweeping statement, how lewd. They are part of a machine that will run over Team Cage! I just feel sorry for the poor bitch
that has to sweep up all the messy remains. Still, Sabu has said it beats ECW.
RHINO, SAMOA JOE & KURT ANGLE vs. SEROTONIN
(Kaz, Havok & Martyr)
Rhino and Martyr will start us off. According to a Panic! At The Disco song title
the only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage. So what does that tell us about Serotonin? It tells us
that Panic! are a bunch of cunts. Hey, check it out there's a match happening! Rhino clotheslines Martyr and tags in Kurt
Angle as Kaz gets the tag in the opposite corner. I'll bet you £10 that he germans him. Ha! You owe me £10! Uppercuts and
rights from Angle then a big kick and a tag to Joe. Joe goes for Kaz but he rolls and tags in Havok who charges straight into
a snap powerslam. Joe goes to town on Havok then runs into the ropes only to be kicked by Martyr. Marty gets taken down for
his trouble but this gives Kaz a chance to tag in. Continuing the trend of Serotonin members getting tagged in Kaz gets demolished
upon entry, with an atomic drop no less. Rhino runs in and GORES Havok to high heaven, Angle gets an Olympic Slam on Kaz and
the match ends with Martyr getting a Muscle Buster.
WINNERS: Well who the fuck do you think.
Leticia is backstage with Cage and a reluctant AJ Styles, who has lost his confidence
after seeing the match. Oh yeah, he just got put over as a legit threat. Cage says AJ needs to look at the big picture and
he's going to even things out by the end of the night. Hmmm...can't think of a joke about this. Damn......well this is awkward.
Oh thank God we're back from commercial with the complete opposite of a humourless situation. That's right, Serotonin are
in bondage and Raven is pouring hot wax on Havok. Goddamnit, you're a wrestling stable not a fucking Janet Jackson video!
Oh yes, no more time for that silly wrestling cos we is cutting to Borash, bitch!
But it's ok cos he's backstage with my absolute favourite wrestler in the whole world* Sting!** and Abyss. Sting says there
is one more obstacle for Abyss and in true Team America style he must...suck Stings balls. Ah not really, although it is seemingly
time for Cage and AJ's last rites.
*by which I mean my least favourite wrestler in the whole world Team 3D are in the ring and they have boxes! Oh lawd it's on! They want to have words
with LAX, Homicide and Hernandez oblige by coming out to the ring. Ray admits that LAX has got the better of them. By beating
them constantly. Sneaky fucking Mexicans. Team 3D understand LAX because they are the same. An Italian Redneck is very similar
indeed to a Mexican. Ray responds to Konnan saying LAX want their legacy by taking out replicas of the WWE, WCW and ECW tag
titles. At Lockdown it's going to be their legacy vs. the NWA tag titles. Hang on...what? So they want them to risk being
the current holders of a title that is actually real in order to win some replicas of belts that another team one years ago.
Oh I'm sorry, I mean another teams legacy. Konnan now comes out and limps into the ring on crutches. He says they'll
have the match but in a brand new match type. STOP THE RECAP.
I'm sorry to interrupt you're enjoyment of my 'play by play' recapping of this weeks
edition of TNA Impact but you see, I can't take any more. I am physically unable to withstand one more one time only invented
match by this fucking company. Is it so much to ask to see one, just ONE pay-per-view that doesn't have a fucking one time
only gimmick match. They're OK every once in a while but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what is the point in acting like a new match
type is special when you invent at least one EVERY MONTH. WHAT IS THE POINT, DAMNIT!! Ok I'm done.
Anyway, this months Condom Match as I'm now calling them (cos you use them once to
disappoint someone then throw them away) is going to be an Electrified Steel Cage match. Right. Great. Moving on. Oh, Jesus
Christ. A Bob Backlund skit. Ok, this is gonna be difficult. I suppose I have to recap it but damnit I am spending no more
time on it than strictly necessary so here goes. Okay. **deeeep breath** bobbacklundisincornettesofficeandhewantsamatchatlockdownandheistoldhecanrefereeastarr
andsenshimatchbutcantgetinvovledand alsohecutssomecrapweedjokecoshehasaurinesamplehahahahaveryfunnyyougeriatriccunt.
That wasn't so hard now, was it. We then see Roode talking to Starr in the entrance tube before...
ERIC YOUNG vs. AUSTIN STARR
Starr attacks Eric as he attempts to work the crowd and generally beats on him for
a while. Dropkick from Starr then some elbows and a back rake for Roode's bitch. Roode and Brooks come down to watch the match.
Starr starts chocking Eric but he fights back, only to get an STO from the former Aries. Starr misses a corkscrew leaving
him open for a back elbow by Young then a back drop. Young goes up top and hits an elbow drop. Roode runs in and attacks Young.
Just cos. Starr Buster to Eric and that'll do the trick.
WINNER: AUSTIN STARR
Roode and Brooks are yelling at Young after the match but Petey Williams runs out
and beats Roode up. Petey wants to shake hands with Eric but he is dragged out of the ring. I love how Americans/Canadians
hold contracts in such high regard. Oh, Eric has to do everything Roode says because it's in a contract. Jesus Christ,
in England he would've just ripped up the contract and knee capped him. Oh yeah and then go back to our castle of course and
sip tea and eat crumpets (gotta keep the tourists happy).
Whoa there, you're getting kinda twitchy. Ah, I know what it is, you just had to
suffer through a whole THREE MINUTES of actual wrestling. But it's OK, cos Borash is back and we have an interview for you!
Borash is with Jerry Lynn this time. Lynn says he has no beef with James Storm but he will beat him and drink his beer. The
ultimate punishment for an American apparently. Lynn then says that if Chris Daniels has an issue with him he can take it
up with him face to face. In response to this, the lights go out and Daniels beats Lynn down with a chair. Nice integrity
there, Fallen Angel. As a result of this beating James Storm beats Jerry Lynn by forfeit.
Storm is disappointed that he has no one to fight so he wants someone to come down
for a scrap. I wonder who it will be? The intrigue! THE INTRIGUE IS KILLING ME! Holy shit, it's only his ex-tag team partner
and arch enemy Chris Harris. Well I never. Gail and Jackie fight, naturally and Harris chases Storm away. Nice fighting there
Storm. What is he, French?
Jackie and Gail continue to fight and a match is made for Lockdown. Right then, sadly
there are no more Jeremy Borash interviews or backstage skits tonight and we'll just have to watch some wrestling. Sorry,
everyone.
BASTARD AND THE BEAST (Sting & Abyss) vs. CHRISTIAN
CAGE & AJ STYLES
I've nicknamed them Bastard and the Beast cos Self Righteous Prick and the Beast
just isn't very catchy. You know what we haven't seen this week? An attack before the bel-never mind. Sting and Cage start
brawling and Sting lands the corner punches only to get knocked off the top by AJ. Cage hits a dropkick and covers for a count
of two. Right hands from Cage and a tag to AJ who has a go at working over Sting himself then gets a dropkick for two as we
head for commercial. As we return Sting is attempting a running splash but the knees are up. Cage misses a flying headbutt
and Sting and Abyss are both tagged in. Abyss destroys all and goes for a double chokeslam but they escape. Abyss hits a backdrop
to Cage and a flapjack to AJ. Abyss hits the doomsday and goes for a Black Hole Slam on AJ but Cage makes the save only for
both of Team Cage to be demolished. AJ gets the shock treatment but Cage breaks up the count. AJ and Cage start to fight back
but Sting makes the blind tag in and they double team their opponents. Abyss and Cage go to the floor as Sting and AJ go at
it in the ring. I think this next event requires a paragraph to itself.
James Mitchell appears and with him is an old woman. Guess who it is. Go on, FUCKING
GUESS! If you guessed anything that was in no way retarded or didn't further add to the awfulness of this angle you're a retard.
It's Abyss' dear old mummy. While Abyss stares his mother down Cage and AJ go to work on Sting. Mitchell uses Old Lady Abyss
to lure the monster backstage. Sting is getting double teamed but he uses his super old man abilities to fight back and Stinger
Splash them both. Cage is tossed outside and the deathlock is applied on AJ. Cage gets in the ring then Steiner runs out and
levels Sting with a pipe then hides. AJ covers for the win.
WINNERS: AJ STYLES & CHRISTIAN
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Uhm...hard one this week
there's just so few but I'd go with how awesome Team Angle looked.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Uhm...hard one this week
there's just so many but It just has to be Mother Abyss.
**Sting
is a cunt
Right anyway, TNA. The show starts with Jim Cornette (always a good thing) standing in the cage structure. The main
event for Lockdown is going to be Team Christian vs. Team WRESTLING MACHIIIIINE in a 10-man Lethal Lockdown Match. Goddamnit
I am so sick of these made up matches. Two men start off and everyone else comes in at two-minute intervals. Also, call me
old fashioned but when I see Christian and Joe feuding for a month I'd expect the captain of the opposing team to be, you
know...Joe. Christian and Angle come out and are told that they have until Lockdown to build their teams. Ooo exciting. A
message then came up on the screen and says this is NOTHING LIKE Survivor Series when two feuding wrestlers pick teams to
wrestle each other so you can shut up.
A very injured looking AJ styles makes his way to the ring. Is this what you
wanted, he asks Rhino. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? WHEN YOU WENT ONTO THE MOST DANGEROUS STRUCTURE INVENTED IN AN INTENSE GRUDGE
MATCH DID YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME! YOU CUNT! AJ wants Rhino to ring Mrs. Styles and tell her that hubbie can't bring the
paycheck home anymore. Maybe she should've spoke to AJ in what's been nearly a week since Destination X. Just saying. Rhino
comes out and responds to this request with a proposal for a beatdown! AJ just wants this to be over, and they shake hands.
Then all of a sudden its revealed that AJ WASN'T REALLY INJURED! SWERVE! SWERVE! AJ beats the shit out of Rhino with his crutches.
Rhino fights back and rams AJ into the cage, then Christian comes out to help AJ only for Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle to come
out and chase of AJ and Christian. We can only assume that Rhino will be joining Team Samoa Kurt.
Borash is with LAX
and a street-geared up Alex Shelley. Shelley it seems is boys with LAX. Ah, The American Dream, to run with a bunch of 'Mexican'
street thugs. Konnan says they put him in a wheel chair but unlike the stupidity of Team 3D, it's not permanent. LAX is gonna
getcha.
Backstage Borash is playing video games with Alex Shelley. Backlund is also backstage training. Training for
what exactly? The long fucking walk to the old folks home?
Kevin Nash provides Jay Lethal with new theme music, a remix
of Macho Man's classic entrance. Lethal looks reluctant at first but Macho's it up during his entrance, much to Nash's delight.
Nash was so happy he started jumping up and down, tore both quads, broke his neck when he fell down and then shattered his
arm whilst being lifted onto a stretcher.
JERRY LYNN vs. KAZ vs. JAY LETHAL
Boy
Kaz really must've been taking a piss when Serotonin were distributing new names. It just sounds like a lame teenage nickname
for Kazarian, "Whoa dude, Kaz's getting cained". JL and Lethal shake hands and Kaz gets a cheap shot on Lynn only to be rolled
up for a two count then Jay rolls Lynn up for a two count of his own. Jay hits Kaz with a dropkick then gets a leg lariat
and a baseball slide to Lynn. Springboard dropkick fails and Kaz covers for two with Lynn breaking up the pin. Suplex to Kaz
by Jerry Lynn gets countered and an inverted DDT gets two with Lethal making the save this time. Northern Lights to Jay for
two then Jay hits a hip toss and a dropkick on Kaz. Snap mare by Lynn then a victory roll gets two. Lynn goes for a cradle
piledriver but Kaz kicks him and Lethal hits Kaz with a back breaker type thing for a three count.
WINNER: OH YEEEEAAAAHHH
JAY LETHAL
Chris Daniels is here with a bat (doesn't he know that Stings trademark!) and he takes it to all three men.
Daniels with the Last Rites to Lynn and he also has new music.
Borash is with Christian Cage and AJ, Cage announces
AJ is in Team Cage. AJ says that he was promised a title shot, Cage tells him this was supposed to be kept on the low down.
Apparently it's impossible to befriend Christian without instantly wanting a title shot. They go off to get their third man
(No, not Orson Welles).
LAX & ALEX SHELLEY w/ Konnan & Machete vs. TEAM 3D w/Johnny
Rodz
Apparently Brother Runt has forgiven his brothers. I thought Italians had VENDETTAS! Or are they not
Italian this week? Ah fuck it, it doesn't matter cos Konnan is on commentary so all is right with the world. Alex and Devon
start us off but Alex chickens out and tags in Hernandez who gets some clubs to the back and some chops. Devon fights back
with some chops of his own then a Lou Thesz press and right hands. Slam and an elbow drop from Devon then a tag to Brother
Ray. Double shoulder block from Los Dudlissimos to Hernandez. Off the ropes but Hernandez gets a boot to the injured arm,
a clothesline and a cover for 2. Homicide tags in then goes up top to hit an Ax Handle to Ray's arm. He really needs to learn
that, using simple wrestling logic, a cast is a deadly weapon so if you've got an injured arm WEAR ONE. Cide works the arm
doing every possible move that may cause pain to that particular limb until Ray fights back and hits a side slam for two.
Runt gets tagged in and they double team Cide for a two count. Hernandez gets a drop toe hold then Alex Shelley drags Runt
out of the ring and beats up on him. Commercial!
Random Commercial Thought: Cameron's gonna be pissed that I stole
his bit.
We return with Homicide being tagged in and Runt getting beaten down, apparently his commercial break was
not a pleasant one. Frog splash from Shelley and a regular splash by Hernandez on the former Spike. Devon tags in and naturally
beast everyone down. Neck breaker to Hernandez and a Chokeslam on Homicide. He collars Shelley and tosses him into the ring,
Ray takes him to the floor and Devon gets a corner splash. Running powerslam on Alex then Hernandez gets slammed for two with
Cide making the save. WOOP WOOP DING DING TNA CLUSTERFUCK TIME! Hernandez picks up Runt and throws him onto Rodz then Ray
throws Hernandez out of the ring. Devon suplexes Alex then they hit him with the SHADAAAAP(ya face) headbutt. The tables are
ordered and Shelley gets 3D'd though the table. Hernandez rolls up Devon though for a three.
WINNERS: LAX & ALEX SHELLEY
Konnan
gets on the mic and says they beat them in every match they have. They have taken their manhood and dignity and now they will
take their legacy. No doubt one of the Dudley Boys will say that it's personal now. That's all you have to do if you cant'
stop losing, just tell people its personal and everyone thinks you're going to win it this time, it's called The 3D Theorem.
Serotonin
are backstage and I really cant be arsed with this. Basically he cains them and it's all a bit too weird.
Borash is
in the men's room and Eric Young is cleaning a shit filled toilet. Eric wants JB to help him get out of the contract but it
seems he's pretty fucked. Eric says maybe his friend can help. I don't care who the friend is as long as it's not Bob Backlund.
Anyone but Bob Backlund. Roode is here and says that if Borash wants to talk to Eric he needs Roode's permission. Apparently
it will only get worse.
Cage and AJ are in the ring. Cage reminds us all that he is champion (actually, the belt was
a bit of a give away). The third member of Team Cage will be...Abyss! Abyss makes his way to the ring but doesn't feel inclined
to join the family in the ring and stands on the stage instead. Sting now comes out and FOR FUCKS SAKE GO AWAY YOU SANCTIMONIOUS
OLD PRICK. Apparently Abyss saw the light and is a new man and wants to be a team unto himself. It seems there is one more
piece to Abyss is past that he needs to face. OH MY GOD WHEN WILL IT END. Cage tries to convince Abyss that Sting wants to
hurt him. Cornette comes out and says we need wrestling! Tell me about it, Jim. Next week AJ and Cage will face Sting and
Abyss. Sting and Abyss hit the ring and kick some ass as the show finishes.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT:
The second of two matches.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Sting/Abyss will just not end!
Angle and Joe start us off, which
can never be a bad thing. Unless Angle doesn't have a script, in which case it can go so so so wrong. Apparently Steiner's
ass belongs to Angle at the PPV, but then he would say that wouldn't he. Kurt is going to be Joe's biggest fan at Destination
X and they can settle their differences once Joe has the title. Christian and his Coalition make their way out. Cage says
that they are a family, and not like an Irish family that beat each other up, a proper family. Samoa Joe and Bestiality Kurt
better go find themselves a partner cos they will fight as a family. Kurt says he has someone in mind, someone who everyone
knows is a bit crazy but we'll have to wait to find out.
THE BASTARD MOTHERFUCKING VKM &
LANCE HOYT vs. SEROTONIN
Kazarian, Bentley and Devine have now changed their names to Kaz, Martyr and Havoc
(one of them didn't put much effort in). The usual TNA clusterfuck brawl starts us off until it ends up with Martyr and Kip
in the ring. Kaz tags in and works the leg but Kip gets a neckbreaker and Hoyt and Havoc are tagged in and Hoyt cleans house.
F5 to Havoc gets a 1, a 2 and a 3.
Naturally Raven
comes out to cane Serotonin and Kaz tries to stand up for himself but still ends up getting punished for his defeat. Jesus,
if someone had done that to Raven every time he lost in WCW he wouldn't be here today.
Tenay is in the
ring with Borash, Leticia and SoCal Val as we return from commercial. Michael announces that Hector Guerrero has joined the
TNA front office and Spanish announce team. The TNA Spanish announce team at least is safer than the WWE, those guys don't
even have health insurance and they're constantly victimised by Mick Foley. Hector thanks his father and Eddie for inspiration
then says some stuff in Spanish which translates as "I'm thrilled to be working for a company that hasn't brutally raped the
corpse of any member of my family." They offer him some kind of award for being related to a dead guy then Abyss comes out
and someone is going to get it. Hector prepares to fight but Abyss says this ain't the WWE, sunshine, and you ain't getting
beaten down cos you knew a legend and instead focuses on Val. Black Hole Slam as Tenay and Hector stand idly by.
Sabin and Lynn in a 2 out of 3 falls match, Senshi vs. Starr with Backlund at ringside and
the only way to win is with the cross face Chicken Wing and a surprise team assembled by Christy Hemme will face the VKM.
Jesus Christ. Do you remember when we just had singles matches, like one guy vs. another? No? Then let's roll on to the [INSERT
STATE NAME] [INSERT GIMMICK] Match.
SONJAY DUTT, PETEY WILLIAMS & JAY LETHAL vs. ROBERT
ROODE, ERIC YOUNG & JAMES STORM
Before the match starts Lethal does *that* impression and Roode and
Eric argue. The match begins with Roode attacking Jay then tagging Eric Young. Eric shakes hands with Jay which leads to a
slap from Roode then Storm gets tagged in. Jay hits a dropkick to Storm and tags in Petey who also hits a dropkick on Storm.
Roode hits a Uranage on Petey but Storm's cover only gets a two-count. Petey gets some rights then a tornado DDT to Roode.
Storm and Dutt are tagged in and Dutt hits a springboard dropkick then a rolling senton. Dutt hits an Asai moonsault but Roode
breaks up the pin. Petey hits a spin kick on Roode and Jay levels him. Gail Kim and Miss Tennessee brawl then Storm hits Dutt
with a superkick FTW.
Borash and Cage are
looking for Abyss who is screaming at a picture of Mitchell. Ah, the things people do to relax. I personally like to scream
at pictures of Russo then set them on fire and drop them in a river. Cage says Abyss can trust him because he is a heel and
they are famously trustworthy. He says he knew the secret and didn't tell anyone, unlike Sting who is gay incidentally. Christian
says he bought a peace offering and gives Abyss Borash. Abyss locks him in a cage. Lolz.
LAX and Team 3D are going to
fight in a ghetto brawl at the PPV. Fools! No one can beat Italians in their homeland of the ghetto.
THE CHRISTIAN COALITION vs. KURT ANGLE, SAMOA JOE &.........RHINO!
Naturally the match
starts with a brawl. Joe and Steiner in the ring now and Steiner lays into Joe with some chops but ends up eating an atomic
drop and a senton. Joe hits Cage with a sweet leaping knee then Cage sends Joe out of the ring. Angle runs in and hits a belly
to belly on Cage then some uppercuts and a backdrop to the outside leaving Angle gaping to be demolished by Tomko with a clothesline.
Rhino's in and he lays out Tomko. Oh wouldya look at that, AJ Styles is here! Who woulda thunk it. AJ and Rhino scrap then
both climb the Elevation X structure as we head to commercial. When we return from commercial we are told that Rhino was beaten
down by Steiner and Tomko upon his descent from the Elevation X structure. Cage has a chinlock applied then Tomko tags in
and suplexes the War Machine for a two count, then Cage tags back in and hits some right hands. Rhino battles back though
and hits a TKO. Both men are out of the count and Angle and Steiner get tagged in. Angle suplexes everyone in the world until
Cage attempts an Unprettier but its countered into a belly to belly. Joe and Cage go to the floor while an Ankle Lock is stopped
by Tomko's big boot. GORE on Tomko, Unprettier on Rhino then a Muscle Busta on Cage! Steiner hits Joe with an overhead belly
to belly, then gets Angle with the same move. a Recliner is attempted but all he gets out of it is an Olympic Slam. The ankle
lock is applied but Abyss makes the save.
NO CONTEST
Angle eats a black hole slam then Sting appears on the set
then suddenly in a different place. Can you imagine a poor man's Undertaker? Well that's what that looked like. Then suddenly
Sting appears in the ring IT MUST BE HIS AWESOME FUCKING CROW POWERS. Abyss and Sting brawl as the show closes.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Not a bad Impact at all today, the main event was sound and none of the segments
were especially bad.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Magical Sting. God I hate that guy so much.
Right then, Christian and Tomko are backstage with
Jeremy Borash to kick off Impact this week. Joe demanded a match with Tomko and Christian thinks this is a mistake. Well he
would say that. Christian tries to smooth-talk Tomko with promises of ballgames but Tomko says he's going it alone and Cage
promises him a title shot if he takes out Joe. Then Christian insults Tomko as he walks away! That dastardly Cage, what's
he gonna do next.
After a video recap of last weeks show we get promised a 6 man X-Division classic. I can only assume
this means 'far too short clusterfuck' and to this I say hooray! For 'hooray' read 'fuck this shit'. Apparently, before the
show Angel and Steiner brawled through the crowd cos Angle wants revenge. I'm actually marking a little for this feud cos
in my youth I was a big fan of WCW Steiner, no matter how much I hate roided bastard it was my childhood, and Angle is just
awesome.
Angle is in Cornette's office being chastised for attacking Steiner. He says if Kurt doesn't control himself
he's out. Good thing they haven't already started promoting the PPV under that match, otherwise the threat would lose all
credibility. Angle grabs Cornette causing Jim to go apeshit and they appear to agree to disagree.
SENSHI, JERRY LYNN & JAY LETHAL vs. CHRIS SABIN, ALEX SHELLEY & AUSTIN STARR
Before
the match Alex Shelley gives Mike Tenay a DVD then Sonjay Dutt and Kevin Nash make there way down. Kevin incites a crowd chant
for the Macho impression from Lethal and they are obliged. Heaven forbid something funny happens and it's not milked until
its bone dry. The heels attack and our match is finally underway. Senshi and Lynn hit dropkicks to Sabin and Starr to send
then to the outside, then Senshi throws Shelley and its a nice triple dive spot. Oh great, here comes Bob Backlund. Hilarity
is bound to ensue! We go to and come back from commercials and Starr hits a dropkick on Lethal for a two count. Bob Backlund
is on commentary and I'd love to tell you what he's saying but I 'accidentally' pressed mute. Shame, that. Sabin is working
Jay Lethal over with some right hands then Shelley gets involved and it's a nice series of double teams on Lethal but it only
gets a two count. We keep cutting to Backlund on commentary as Shelley and Sabin send Jay into the ropes but he fights them
off and Alex accidentally sentons Sabin. Senshi and Starr both tag in and Senshi hits some stiff looking chops. Rights by
Lynn then a forearm by Senshi and a side kick to Alex. Lynn hits a TKO on Sabin then goes for a cradle piledrived but it gets
stopped and Alex gets a sliced bread #2. Jay hits Alex with a flatliner but Starr hits a Starr Buster on Jay. Backlund grabs
Starr then Senshi rolls him up for three.
WINNERS: SENSHI, LYNN & LETHAL (worlds weirdest solicitors)
Backlund
once again attempts to shake Senshi's hand but he leaves. Can't say I blame him he may catch whatever disease makes you a
CRAP WRESTLER.
A funny video package, no really, about a day in the life of Eric Young up next. Thanks to the contract
Eric is forced to be a slave to Roode and Brookes and has to do chores and the like. It's funnier than it sounds on paper,
not unlike myself. Seriously, in real life I'm actually fairly amusing.
Hooray! A text vote! Nothing like a text vote
to...uhm....actually what the fuck is their purpose? So who do you think will take the plunge in the Elevation X match. I
tell you who it's not gonna be, AJ. Nah I'm kidding, it's gonna be AJ. Is that a spoiler? Fuck it. Then we get a video package
with Rhino promising to gore AJ off it. Nothing could go wrong with that plan! Then Sting goes on about that Last Rites match
and this angle is OLD! Almost as old as Stings fucking outdated gimmick. Abyss is backstage attacking things. If I didn't
know better I'd say he was in emotional turmoil.
SCOTT STEINER vs. CHASE STEVENS
Shockingly,
Kurt Angle is here to attack Steiner. There's a brawl that is in NO WAY like the ones Kurt and Joe had every week. Cornette
attempts to calm Angle down but he's a WRESTLING MACHINE! WOO! YEAH! So he ends up getting dragged away as Steiner squashes
Stevens.
WINNER: CHASE STEVENS (he may not have wont he battle but the war will be his, THE WAR WILL BE HIS)
Steiner
gets on the mic and points out that Angle is half the man he used to be. He also makes some cruel, cruel claims about Angles
wife that are simply unfounded. I really wouldn't expect that kind of thing from a man like Scott Steiner. For shame. Then
ANGLE IS BACK~! Cornette says Angle has lost his mind. Kurt Angle, crazy? How ridiculous! Angle tries to lock in the ankle
lock (hey, at least he isn't trying to have bestiality sex with your wife, Jim) and Cornette gets real angry and tells everyone
to get Kurt out of his building.
A pretaped interview with Chris Harris who says no one will clear him to wrestle but
promises he will get a piece of James Storm. Yeah good luck with that, Stevie Wonder.
Paparazzi Director and all round
great guy Alex Shelley makes his way to the ring to show us his new film: 'Massacre in New York'. The film shows LAX attacking
Devon's trainer Johnny Rodz in his wrestling school. Don't tell me, Devon's trainer was Yugoslavian so LAX better prepare
for a Yugoslavian Cheese Cage Extravaganza Match. Shelley cues LAX but gets Brother Ray instead. Apparently Rodz is a legend
and Shelley is a nobody. Well I ask you, which one of them has one of the Top 100 Wrestler Myspace Blogs? I rest my case.
Ray wants to know why Shelley gets involved then Kevin Nash comes out. Ray is telling Nash to keep his injured nose out of
it when LAX attack! Ray fights them off but an assist from Shelley allows LAX to get back in control as its all filmed on
the paparazzi cam. Ray gets spine busted through a table and TONY SOPRANO IS GONNA GET YOU, KONNAN!
Joe comes out and
says Cage knows he will lose the title and Tomko's getting taken down. Abyss is attacking some dude then Joe stops him and
says he should listen to Sting. Uhm..o..k.
SAMOA JOE vs. TOMKO THE AMAZING DANCING PANDAMAN
(he needs a more interesting name)
You know what we haven't had in a while? A pre-bell attack. Oh there's
one! Tomko takes the early advantage with an irish whip, clothesline and some forearms. Joe rallies back with some forearms,
Tomko hits a big boot and Joe retaliates with a big kick of his own then Tomko is sent outside with a clothesline. Elbow Suicida
from Samoa Joe in what has to be the spot of the evening and all Cage can do is watch on as we go to commercial. We return
from commercial with Tomko back in the driving seat hitting a spine-buster for two then locking in a weak looking neck vice.
Joe fights out of it and hits a big boot and a leaping knee for a two count. They battle it out and Joe hits a powerslam for
another two count. Joe hits a high kick and sets Tomko up top then Cage runs out and nails Joe with a chair and the ref didn't
see.
WINNER: TIMMY TOMKO, MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
Tomko and Cage try to beat down Joe but it doesn't go too well for
them so Steiner runs out and its a triple dream bonanza then Abyss runs out and clears the ring of The Cage Pals. BLACK HOLE
SLAM ON JOE and Abyss stands tall!
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: I actually enjoyed the
main event a lot.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: So fucking sick of Abyss/Sting.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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