That moderately amusing completely bland joke is more entertaining than the episode of TNA Impact! you are about to read about. Just contemplate that for a second...I give up countless hours of my life to recap something more boring than teasing someone who has given up on life and you lot actually read it. Who has the sadder life? It's irrelevant when you get this low. Oh and welcome to the Impact Report. You may have gathered that I'm in no good mood but that is for the same reason that this recap is late, last night I was minding my own business when suddenly I started throwing up everywhere due to what I now understand to be food poisoning from some ready made tuna mayo. So I'm tired, still fairly ill and I have to watch TNA. Yay!
The Elevation X Structure is lowered! It's like Ultimate X only.....elevated. Oh yes, elevated. AJ Styles comes down to the ring and says that the structure is his! Outrageous, simply outrageous. He climbs up the structure to tell us that he thinks he is great and, apparently, so should we (not in so many words, but y'know). Two men climb, apparently, but there is room for only one. But that's really really dangerous! Someone might get hurt! I'm going to right to Vince Russo and tell him I think this. In fact, I've been working on a letter to Russo for quite some time, here's what I have so far:
Dear Mr. Russo,
DIE DIE DIE DIE YOU FUCKING CUNTFACED BLOCKBUSTER BASTARD DIE DIE DIE DIE,
also I feel the Elevation X structure is far too dangerous. DIE DIE DIE.
p.s. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING FACE. DIE!
It's a work in progress. As AJ delivers this promo a shocking thing happens, the guy he's been feuding with for ages comes out! Rhino climbs to the top of the structure and says that AJ's latest invention will be responsible for the end of his career. He's going to send AJ to hell! God, that was a bit strong. He will run across the X and GORE, GORE, GORE AJ off. So, so dangerous.
Jeremy Borash is with Team 3D and whatshisface outta The Sopranos, who are looking forward to the match. History has proven after all that Team 3D can beat LAX. Oh wait...
BELTING POT/LUMBERJACK MATCH. LOL.
LAX w/ The Latino Nation vs. TEAM 3D w. The Italian Nation. I have no idea, either.
Homicide and Devon start us off. Homicide sends Devon off the ropes but Devon gets a Lou Thesz press then tosses Homicide to the floor. There is much whipping of the Mexican. Devon hits a slam then an elbow drop off the ropes gets a two count but Hernandez manages to send Devon outside. There is much whipping then Hernandez chokes him out with his shirts but Devon fights back and throws Hernandez out of the ring. There is much whipping but Homicide floors Devon upon his re-entry then gets tagged in. Elbow drop to Devon gets a two count. Homicide goes up top and goes for the tornado DDT but Devon counters it and hits a shoulder block. Brother Ray and Hernandez both tag in and Ray lays into Hernandez with right and left hands then a hip toss. Backdrop to Homicide then a Samoan Drop to Hernandez. Cide is thrown out of the ring and a Uranage to Hernandez gets only a two count. Reverse 3D on Hernandez but Homicide breaks up the pin. Big old brawl and Devon and Hernandez get tossed out of the ring and a fight between the Italians and the Latinos breaks out. Cousin Steve runs in the ring and assists Brother Ray with a wazzup leg drop. He gets the tables, 3D on Hernandez. The end.
WINNERS: TEAM 3D
We return from commercial to see Sting lying in a coffin. Not in the way I'd like him to be though, he's alive. When he straps Abyss to his death bed at Destination X he will have to make the decision between darkness and light. That is some fucked up Christianism there, Sting. Jeremy Borash is with Abyss who is going crazy, he goozles Borash and slams him against the cage. Fantastic.
LANCE HOYT & THE BASTARD FUCKING VKM vs. ROBERT ROODE, JAMES STORM & ERIC YOUNG
The slightly less annoying and untalented member of The Bastard Fucking VKM and Eric Young start us off. They do a test of strength, which means BG must have pressed analogue left on the pre-match mini game screen. Storm comes in and BG and Eric clothesline him which leads to Roode slapping Eric before tagging himself in. BG does the ole' Shake Rattle and Roll but Storm cuts him off with a right hand. Roode takes him down and starts laying into BG. In comes Storm who hits a butterfly suplex but BG manages to tag in Hoyt. Hoyt cleans house and goes up top but Roode crotches him a treat and Storm covers for three
WINNERS: Us because Kip didn't wrestle and ROODE, YOUNG & STORM
Harris runs through the crowd and chases Storm away. Hands up who cares? Thought so. Video
Package for Chris Daniels, then Don West is talking to Andre Rison who will be on Pros vs. Joes next. He is glad to be here apparently and I don't give a shit. Haha, now Abyss comes down and gives Rison a nice Black Hole Slam. Yeah it's the Pete Rose spot all over again but the 'Celebrity Gets It' spot never fails to amuse me. Best one ever? Answers on a postcard but I'd say Drew Carey.
It's time for PCS idol and we see more Macho. Nash says the white people are holding Lethal down but Lethal reminds him that he is not black before doing more Savage.
Cornette is in the ring with Mike Tenay. Apparently Joe and Cage aren't here as they are training and confirms that Sting vs. Abyss in a Last Rites match. Because HEAVEN FORBID THAT WE HAVE A MATCH IN THIS FUCKING COMPANY THAT DOESN'T HAVE SOME FUCKING MADE UP TITLE THAT THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO USE AGAIN. HEAVEN FORBID! Joe vs. Cage for the title, Elevation X with AJ vs. Rhino and now a contract singing for Angle vs. Steiner. What can go wrong?
Angle and Steiner walk down and Cornette tells them to remain gentlemen. Steiner responds by saying he is going to melt down Angel's medal and sell it for a cup of coffee. Sadly that probably is his idea of being a gentleman. In my highlight of the night Angle calls Steiner a dumb fuck then says he didn't come to TNA for the money, unlike Steiner who wants to have bestiality sex with the company, They sign the deal then there's a brawl but Tomko comes out for leverage as well as Cage who is SUPPOSED TO BE IN TRAINING! WHEN WILL THE LYING END! Steiner drives the contract into Angle's mouth.
#1 CONTENDERS X-DIVISION LADDER MATCH
JERRY LYNN vs. AUSTIN STARR vs. JAY LETHAL vs. SENSHI vs. SONJAY DUTT
Dutt and Lethal beat down Jerry Lynn as Senshi and Starr battle it out. JL hits Dutt with a head scissors then a backbreaker. Lynn and Senshi bring in some ladders but Dutt and Jay starts beating down Lynn again this time with ladders. Stereo slingshot planchas by Dutt and Lethal onto Senshi and Starr after they force Lynn into the corner and dropkick the ladder into him. Commercials! We return and Backlund has come out to watch the match. Three ladders are in the ring and Senshi hits a Warriors Way on Lynn then Starr levels Senshi. Dropkick to a ladder at the expense of Jay Lethal. Everyone starts climbing with Starr trying to go after Senshi. Lynn is pulled off then powerbombs off Dutt and Jay. Star and Senshi battle then Lynn climbs up as well. In a nice spot Senshi and Starr fall and land on the ropes, allowing Lynn to get the victory. WINNER: JERRY LYNN
Lynn and Backlund shake hands but Starr refuses to shake with Bob. Can't say I blame him. Backlund applies a chicken wing as Lynn celebrates. Now I can go back to bed.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: 'You stupid fuck'
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Main event didn't get much time.
Eric Young is with a bunch of dogs and cracking some truly hilarious (for 'hilarious' read 'shit') jokes about the fact that USA have a, snigger, dog show on instead of Raw. Teeheehee, indeed. About as funny as cancer. Well actually cancer is pretty funny sometimes I mean like Kylie Minogue. I was in the middle of writing a joke to go after this at the expense of Ms Minogue but then the future hate mail already started to sting my eyes so I thought I'd leave it to your imaginations. Mwaha. He then finds TNA on TV and unlike most people doesn't try to turn it over, fail to find the remote so gouges his own eyes out.
There is one cool thing about this though, seeing as I don't do PPV Recaps (I is lazy, fucker) this is your first chance to read my takes on some big matches, as well as some that were before my time from the era when TNA was a damn exciting company. So, we're beginning with the King of the Mountain match from Slammiversary.
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MATCH
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. JEFF JARRETT vs. STING vs. ABYSS vs. RON KILLINGS
Hey, this was before Sting had his trademark baseball bat, God how did he ever manage without that unique piece of weaponry. Big ol' brawl starts us off with Ron Killings hitting Jarrett with a big kick then a spinning forearm. Cage runs in and gets double hip tossed while Sting and Abyss brawl on the floor (careful, he killed his dad!) whilst The Truth superkicks Christian for a two count. Sting sends Abyss into those oh so unforgiving steel steps and Killings and Jarrett are both sent to the floor. Top rope cross body from Cage to Jeff Jarret, nice! Killings and Sting beat down Abyss, Abyss tries to fight back with a double goozle but he just ends up getting an Axe kick from Killings. Abyss is sent outside and Killings hits a plancha type thing onto Jarrett, Cage and Abyss only for Sting to climb the penalty cage and splash all four of them. Isn't it nice how they stand there and wait to catch them. Sting and Jarrett start a-brawlin' in the ring and JJ gets a stinger splash and pretends he's not going to win. Ron goes up top and hits Jarrett with a missile dropkick, Sting sends the bosses son outside and some tables are set up. Abyss tosses Sting into the cage then brawls with Christian. Killings attempts to get the ladder but gets it slammed right in his face by Christian but Abyss breaks up the cover. Abyss and Cage go at it and Christian gets press slammed. Jarrett tries to form an alliance with the father murdering bastard but his time is up and his outta here as we go to a commercial break.
Jarrett roles Sting into the ring and teams up with Abyss to ram everyone with a ladder. They put Ron over the ladder and toss him over the top onto the floor, nice spot. Sting and Cage put an end to it by double dropkicking the ladder into both their faces. Cage turns the ladder upside down and entangles Jarrett in it, then climbs it to rana Abyss to the outside and general carnage is all around. Ron gets up and has the ladder he sets it up and starts to climb. LOL he thinks he's going to win the world title! Abyss is up and he sends Killing crashing back to the harsh reality of his career, so close but yet so far. Abyss throws the ladder and it mullers Earl Hebner right in his t-shirt bootlegging face. Abyss grabs the belt and Jarrett tries to retrieve it but gets a black hole slam for his troubles. Slick Johnson runs out to count to three and Jarrett goes into his cage. Hey, maybe he wont win after all! Nah I'm kidding it was never gonna go any other way. Larry Z is now our referee while Johnson mans the cage, Abyss starts to climb the ladder and Abyss falls of the ladder and goes through four tables ~! Jesus Christ! Sting and Christian stand off and Sting hits a stinger splash and applies the deathlock. Jarrett is out but Sting stops him climbing the ladder and it seems he is out early! The GUITAR OF DOOM is swung but Cage stops him as Sting hits an inverted DDT. Sting gives Jarrett the deathlock and gives the belt to Cage. Cage starts to climb but Larry Z low blows Cage! Sting knocks him out and Jarrett gets another DDT. Sting covers and uses the unconscious Hebner's hand to count to three. Sting has the belt and climbs but Cage runs back in to grab the belt and climb as well! Suddenly Earl Hebner pushes the ladder over and gives the belt to JJ! Earl Hebner just screwed a man, what ever next. Next thing you know he'll be ripping off merchandise.
WINNER: JEFF JARRETT
That was not a very good match, not a very good match at all. I move that the last match be striken from the record as a video package with big name wrestlers and celebrities that have graced TNA over the years then a video package for Shelley. Eric Young is still hanging out with dem dogs and I still don't find it funny.
TNA GREATEST MOMENT #5: CHRISTIAN CAGE ARRIVES
Now Cage says it was huge for him and TNA and it was an honour as he saw TNA was on the rise. Now what he means was the company he was in wasn't doing jack shit with him so he went to the next available wrestling promotion that would give him a push.
TNA GREATEST MOMENT #4: AJ vs. JOE vs. DANIELS FROM UNBREAKABLE 'THE GREATEST MATCH IN TNA HISTORY'
Now this really was a fucking brilliant match and one of the first I watched of TNA after being recommended to download it by a friend. AJ says he thought it could be great and it was. I thought my idea for a dissolvable coffee mug was pretty good but that went the other way. Ah shut up I used up all my good jokes on the last Impact recap. Joe says they were willing to do anything to each other, and he means ANYTHING. Eeeew. Daniels says the match is an example of why TNA is great. Do you hear that Vince? Stunningly wrestled matches are an example, not fucking reverse battle royales or endless backstage skits.
Two more video package, one for the Ultimate X and one for Six Sides of Steel. Personally I don't see the point in recapping video packages so I won't. Yep, that simple. Right, I tell you what these PPV matches are looong motherfuckers aren't they? Never realised how hard it must be for James and Sean to do this damn near monthly. I'd feel sympathy but I think a simple 'HA! I don't have to' will suffice.
BOUND FOR GLORY
SIX SIDES OF STEEL NWA TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
LAX vs. AJ STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
Hernandez and AJ pair off as Homicide gets a big kick to Daniels only to munch on a side backbreaker. The faces double team Hernandez, the faces being AJ & Daniels not the 70's band. Just thought I'd clear that up. Drop toehold from AJ then Daniels gets a leg lariat. Daniels goes to slam Hernandez into the cage but for once a Mexican actually uses physical energy to fight back and AJ tags in. Homicides in only to get dropkicked by Styles, AJ gets some forearms before tagging in Daniels who hits a clothesline combo for a two count on Homicide. AJ gets some boots in but Homicide slams him when he goes off the ropes and we go to commercials.
We certainly did lose a lot of the match in that break and as we return AJ is climbing the cage. Homicide attempts to go up after him but gets kicked off for his troubles. AJ gets to the top but 'Cide is close behind him and a 'Please don't die' chant starts up and makes me chuckle. Hernandez is over and tower of doom! AJ is still up top though and gets an IMMENSE cross body to Hernandez! AJ covers but Homicide breaks it up and hits a 3/4 neckbreaker (it's not a fucking diamond cutter) to Styles. Daniels takes out Homicide only to get taken down himself by Hernandez who then goes up top. Hernandez is right at the top and goes for a massive splash but it misses The Fallen Angel. Daniels goes for the Angel Wings but Konnan hands a coat hanger to Homicide who chokes out Daniels. Garden clippers would be more appropriate. Hey, I'll stop doing anti-Mexican humour when you stop laughing. Oh you did stop laughing? Fuck it, I'll carry on anyway. Now Konnan has a go at chocking Daniels as AJ hits an enziguri on Hernandez. An attempted Styles clash only ends in a clothesline for AJ then it's a Gringo Killa which kills Styles.
TNA GREATEST MOMENT #3: TNA COMES TO HULK HOGAN
This is the one where Jarrett attacks Hogan in Japan. Meh, now it would've really rocked if theyd've both got run over by a giant truck being driven by a drunk Ultimo Dragon who couldn't see over the steering wheel. What?! it would've rocked!
Tenay and West discuss a new TNA concept to be revealed later. COS ALL THE OTHER RECENT ONES HAVE TURNED OUT SO FUCKING WELL! Then we get a video history of Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting which leads us nicely into:
BOUND FOR GLORY
NWA TITLE/TITLE vs. CAREER
JEFF JARRETT vs. STING w/Kurt Angle as special enforcer
Lock up to start and they both take turns to take each other down before exchanging counters and a headlock from Jarrett. Off the ropes and Sting gets hip tossed and Jarrett lays into him with some knees, Sting counters one hip toss but gets another shortly after. Commercial break.
As we return there's a double cross body and both men are down. Angel gets upp as the ref does that pointless count. Angle gets in and hits an olympic slam to the ref before he can reach ten, simply because he doesn't want to ruin the time honored tradition of that count being completely irrelevant. It seems Kurt is the ref, and he ORDERS them to get off. Better do what he say or he will DO THINGS TO YOUR WIFE. Eeew. Sting lays into Jarrett and hits an atomic drop off the rope, clothesline then a stinger splash. Tombstone piledriver on Jarrett but it only gets a two count. Sting goes up top but Jarrett hits a low blow. He climbs but Sting fights him and throws JJ off him. Splash by Sting only ends up on Jarrett's knees. Double J locks in the figure four but Sting turns it around, that spot never fails. Jarrett reaches the ropes though and Sting complies. Jarrett pisses off Angle by applying the ankle lock. All he needs to do now is down a shitload of meds and it's gimmick infringement! Sting fights it but JJ keeps it locked in until Sting rolls over and sends Jarrett to the floor. Sting gets his patented bat but Angle takes it away and Jarrett comes in and El Kabongs Sting. In one of the most glorious moments I've ever seen Sting sells it like Christians sell drugs: not at all. Scorpion deathlock by Sting, Sting sits down and tap tap tap.
WINNER: STING. No really, not Jarrett. I'm serious!
Another video package, this time hyping the Christian/Rhino history and it's time for the 8-Mile street fight.
BOUND FOR GLORY
8-MILE STREET FIGHT
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. RHINO
Rhino goes to the back to find that dastardly coward Christian Cage and they brawl in the parking lot, where all good street fights should at some point enter. Rhino bounces Cage off things right through the building, at one point fighting on top of a Zamboni. Familiar? Of course not. Cage is on top of the car but Rhino starts driving it right into the arena and crashes it into a piece of the set. Rhino tosses Cage off the top of the car and they make it to the ring. Now the match gets good here so it must be time for a commercial break.
OK, all the good stuffs over so we can return to the action. They brawl outside and Rhino gets a Rhino Driver (original name!) through a table onto the floor, hell of a spot there. Rhino covers back in the ring but it only gets a two count so he calls for the gore but it misses and Rhino goes flying straight through 0.5 inches of SOLID PLYWOOD. Cage covers but it's only a two count, Cage hits the unprettier but it's STILL only a two count. Cage then lays a load of stuff on Rhino and beats the holy hell out of him with a chair. This gets the job done. I can't believe they cut out the middle of this match, absolutely shocking. They could've kept it in if they'd have left the video package out but NOOOO.
WINNER: CHRISTIAN CAGE
GREATEST TNA MOMENT #2: STING RETURNS AT FINAL RESOLUTION
Konnan and Borash discuss it but I don't care. I've never been a fan of Stings worn out Crow gimmick wherein 90% of his time is spent standing in rafters looking threatening. Soooo 1997. Actually, make that '95.
Video package of Joe vs. Angle and this reminds me of how great the build up to those first two matches were. Now I know there wasn't a whole lot they could do wrong with these two but still it was very well booked. Nowadays it's just a brawl-a-week for them but this was a great match and I shall try to do it justice by leaving all drug addict jokes out of this one.
LIKE, TOTALLY THE COOLEST DREAM MATCH EVER
SAMOA JOE vs. KURT ANGLE
They lock up to start off and it's fucking intense as they go to the corner and fight around the ropes. They break, another lock up and a take down by Angle. Ankle lock attempt already but Joe gets the rope, great tease very early. Lock up and Joe comes in with the knees, jabs and kicks to take Angle to the floor. Off the ropes and Kurt hits a belly to belly before clotheslineing the Samoan to the floor. Joe drags Angle out of the ring and batters his head in with the railing. They go back into the ring and Joe's pin attempt only gets a two count. Angle irish whips Joe but misses a charge and hits the post hard. Running charge by Joe and an Elbow Suicida. Ah shit, commercials.
OK, as we return Joe is attempting the clutch but Angle rolls out of it and hits an Olympic Slam for a fucking intense two count. The straps, ladies and gentlemen, are down and the ankle lock is well and truly applied. Joe fights it, rolling and kicking for all he's worth but Angle holds on. Joe manages to role angle into the clutch~! Angle tries to break the hold and manages to turn it back into the ankle lock again and Joe manages to slam Angle into a corner by rolling out of the move. Joe misses a charge though and eats a little steel. Angle slam and he rolls the straps up just to pull them down again in an exhibition of in ring charisma that'd make The Rock applaud. Ankle lock by Angle and he drops down into the grapevine and SAMOA JOE TAPS OUT!
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Absolutely appalled that they cut out the middle, that really was a stunning match and easily the best they've put on since I started recapping it and possibly the best of '06. A real stunner and if you haven't seen it find it.
Class video package follows with some of TNA's most violentest moments. Oh yes, it's a word. Then we get a video package promoting a new match type the Elevation X basically it's Ultimate X only it looks more dangerous. I ain't complaining.
Cage comes out, and reminds us that he is the champion and he ain't having no announcer announce the top moment, bitch. He says that a glorious moment is about to happen, etc. 'boy I sure hope he's not in it and it embarrasses him.
TNA GREATEST MOMENT #1: IMPACT DEBUT ON SPIKE/ANGLE COMES TO TNA
I bet he's embarrassed. Voice over stuff from various TNA wrestlers talking about how important moving to Spike was and Angles superb debut video.
OK, as pissed as I was about having to recap it, it wasn't a bad show. I didn't like that the matches were missing some great bits and the King Of The Mountain match didn't need to be on there at all. I think it would definitely attract fans to TNA but BOY are they gonna be disappointed.
Until next time, I'm British Bullfrog.
*'swelltastic' is a copyright of Edge's genitals after
a night with Lita
This weeks show starts off with Abyss (wearing a new mask) and James Mitchell making
their way to the ring. I love this angle so much, I was really getting bored of this great mysterious character and it was
about time they exposed everything about him and henceforth made him dull. TNA: Never a show to get complacent with high standards.
Now, drawing from previous experiences in the last few months in TNA I can predict what's going to happen and have decided
to phrase it in a MULTIPLE CHOICE TEXT IN POLL
Do you think that Abyss will: CHASE STEVENS vs. ABYSS w/James Mitchell
Andy Douglas runs down and gets the Shock Treatment then wishes he stayed backstage.
Sting then appears on the video screen, I assume the rafters are too crowded. Just to show what a good Christian he is and
how much he wants Abyss to like him he's wearing the mask he stole from Abyss. Apparently, Abyss hides behind the mask and
at the PPV he will be freed of it. Sting says they are coming to the end of their journey. Then Bullfrog said 'thank Christ,
it's been a fuck off annoying ride', to which Sting replied with 'don't make me hit you with my patented baseball bat' then
Bullfrog says 'yeah, what a superb and original weapon you wrinkly, outdated fucker. Go stand in some rafters!'.
a.) Attack before the bell
b.) Ride away on a zebra
Text your answer to 02948, poll closes at midnight.
Abyss attacks before the bell. Stevens is wearing the Naturals tights, interestingly enough (if by 'interesting' you mean 'not at all interesting'). Now anything can happen in this match up, if by 'anything' you mean 'Abyss black hole slams him for the three count in 43 seconds. WINNER: ABYSS
OH MY GOD! IT'S HAPPENED! AFTER ALL THE WAITING IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED! No, Vince Russo hasn't been fired/killed, the results of the text poll are in. At last! The results are, drumroll please...
dududududududududududududu.....10% for Samoa Joe
dududududududududududududu.....26% for Brock Lesnar
dududududududududududududu.....30% for Bill Goldberg
so the winner is...longer drumroll please..
dududududududududududududududududududu.....SCOTT STEI-uhm, I mean 'none of the above'. Lol, spoilers.
Some boring person is backstage with Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. About damn time they had a brawl, haven't seen a Joe/Angle brawl since EVERY FUCKING IMPACT EDITION SINCE THE FEUD STARTED. Joe says he's been called a liar but that is a lie, and although they may hate each other Joe has an investment in Angle. He will neutralize Tomko at the PPV and tonight he will have his back (watch out for the acne OH NO I DI'NT). Angle say Joe will get his title shot as long as things go the right way and he wants to kick both Christian and Tomko's asses tonight. Awesome!
We return from a short commercial break (check it out, I'm pretending I actually watch the show) and Tomko is backstage in something of a huff. He says dealing with Stei-that is to say, 'that guy' is worse than dealing with Cage. Cage promises Tomko things will go back to normal after the PPV and he can take the night off. Ain't that sweet? No, it's not is it.
After an LAX/Team 3D video package, Brother Ray comes down to the ring. At this point, he tells us that he is Italian. Yep he's half Italian and half redneck. He probably lives on the same ranch as Jimmy Wang Yang. They're not going after the titles anymore, they want revenge at Against All Odds in....wait for it....a Little Italy Street Fight. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, the Dudley Mafia is on the way and someone's gonna get whacked. This fucking angle whacks if you ask me. I have no idea what that last sentence meant. Moody Jack and wheelchair-bound Konnan make their entrance. Konnan's not injured or anything, he's just too lazy to walk. Hehehe...Mexicans. Konnan wants Brother Ray to save his air for the blow up dolls, good advice, and apparently his uncle got what he deserves. Teach you for earning an honest living instead of just doing half assed landscaping! LAX accept the challenge for a Little Italy streetfight, seeing as Mexico and Italy are like the same, aren't they? Well they're all in Europe, right? (my impression of an American) Runt comes out and acts drunk LAX run out and there's a brawl which LAX come out on top of.
You know what I'd really like to see on this wrestling show, a wrestling match. No that wasn't a lead in to a match, you should be so lucky. There's a VKM and Christy Hemme skit but I just cannot be fucked cos it's so appalling. Seriously, look it up on YouTube if you really want to see it, just search 'three atrocious characters together all at the same time!' and it should come up. Well, either that or a video package of the best of Too Cool & Rikishi.
We see an AJ Styles/Rhino video package and they are going to face each other in the now classic PLACE NAME MATCH TYPE match. This time it's the Motor City Chain Match. Basically the rules are, around the ring are several car parts ALL on poles in an homage to the nickname of the city. Each wrestler has to assemble the car parts together and connect them like in a Honda ad until they have a car. They then have to drive for exactly eight miles until they are back in the ring, when they will each become chained to each other until one of them realises I'm making this up as I go along. Well that was a waste of your time and mine.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with AJ Styles, who rips on Angle and Joe. After he's done with the comedy he says he''s going to beat Rhino. Well he would say that. Cage walks in and also rips on Joe and says that they are both premiere athletes and when Angle goes to tag Joe he will have to think if he can trust him. Bob Backlund walks in looking wacky.
RHINO, JERRY LYNN & SENSHI vs. CHRIS SABIN, AUSTIN STARR & JAMES STORM w/Miss Tennessee
Raven and Serotonin are watching this from the crowd but who really gives a shit. Oh my God I've just realised I get to actually recap a wrestling match! Good God I thought they'd scrapped that on TNA. Lynn and Storm start us off but Sabin nails Lynn which leaves him open for a side slam from Storm, knee drop then Starr gets a cover for a count of two. Storm dances around a bit as Starr gets some left hands on Lynn then an STO. The spinning elbow is missed and a tag is made to Senshi who gets a dropkick to storm and then an Asai kick to star ~! Sabin and Rhino pile in and Senshi climbs the turnbuckle only to get crotched by Storm. Starr hits the Starr buster and that is all she wrote. As they celebrate Storm warns Starr about hugging his bitch.
WINNERS: CHRIS SABIN, AUSTIN STARR & JAMES STORM
Well while it was nice to recap some wrestling it was very short lived and we are back to ENDLESS FUCKING SEGMENTS.
Dutt and Lethal are at The Kevin Nash Clinic. They need a makeover and a circumcision, apparently. Nash has made over Samoa Joe and Sting and if they follow him they too will succeed. They demand proof and Nash promises to help them both.
Jeremy Borash is backstage, Eric Young is with Brooks. They are half naked and apparently they have had sexual intercourse. Brooks thanks JB for helping buy condoms and apparently she loves him. Eric says Borash has Traci all wrong.
Sting walks down to the ring in his Abyss mask and, just to illustrate once again exactly what kind of match they will be having there are jail related props all over the ring. Shockingly, Sting accepts the challenge for a Big House Bonanza Match. A cage is lowered and Sting says a cage is what he calls living hell. You know I call living Hell? Being forced to watch this show slowly deteriorate since Russo took over. Seriously, you take Jeff Jarrett off TV and things get WORSE! Something's wrong. Anyway, James Mitchell has been trapped in the cage and he's had the shit beat right out of him. Sunday, apparently, will be the last time Abyss ever sees Mitchell. Abyss runs out and a brawl commences and Sting beats on Abyss with a chair but Sting misses and Mitchell raps a belt around Stings throat through the cage. Abyss takes a chair and absolutely mullers Sting.
A video package for Chris Daniels where he tells us that he doubted himself and his purpose but now he sees the truth. Thank God, I was getting really worried about his purpose doubting. Then there's a parody poster for Ron Killings in Rocky VII. Now onto a match....I'm just kidding, that would make this a wrestling show! We got some segments to go through first!
The PPV card is hyped then Jeremy Borash is with AJ Perzinski and Dale Toborg who came as fans to TNA then they got attacked so they will bring the pain to Hoyt. AJ is sick and tired of being blamed, when the hell is Ekstein? Johnny Damon appears and lays out Toborg with a chair, it seems he is Hoyts new backup. And now a...a match? No, really? A real life match. Ah it's OK it only lasts six minutes including a commercial break.
KURT ANGLE & SAMOA JOE vs. AJ STYLES & CHRISTIAN CAGE w/Tomko
I wonder if Scott Steiner will reveal himself as consultant. Ooops, I gave it away. I meant to say Scott Stei-I mean 'the mystery consultant'. Now you know it's going to be Scott Steiner. Damn. Obviously, the match starts off with a brawl before Joe and AJ start things off. AJ misses a dive then Cage is in only to get a powerslam from Joe which earns the Samoan a two count. Jabs from Joe then a running knee in the corner. AJ blind tags his way into the match and hits a massive springboard forearm as we go to commercials. You never see commercials in the middle of VKM skits but when two enormously talented wrestlers are just about to start going at it, can't move for them. We return from the commercial and Cage is beating down Joe. Joe fights back and hits Cage with a big STO then tags in Angle who obviously cleans house. Germans all round and AJ sells the third one like it's the last move he'll ever take. Angle slam to Styles but Cage breaks up the count. Joe runs in as AJ decks Angle and goes up top. Rhino runs out and knocks AJ off the apron and a brilliant Angle slam ends the match.
WINNERS: SAMOA JOE & KURT ANGLE
Joe Angle and Rhino celebrate when a masked Scott Steiner comes out and lays out Rhino and Joe with a pipe. He takes off his mask and reveals himself to be.....Brock Lesnar ~!!!!! Nah I'm kidding it was Steiner. Steiner and Angle brawl and Cage returns to assist with the beatdown, AJ runs out as well. Cage and Steiner do press ups to mock Kurt and Steiner gets the recliner using a pipe on Angle. The end. Thank fuck.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The very short time we got for the main event was well used and it could've been something good if it'd had some decent time.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: If you subtract commercial breaks all in all we say less than 8 minutes of wrestling on this weeks edition of Impact. That is truly shocking and looks a lot like a nail in the coffin of this company
Right then, that's that over with and I'm as glad as you are. If you feel like you need a pick me up by all means check out the other great stuff on this here wrestling site, particularly the all new Fan Laws.
I'm British Bullfrog, goodnight wrestling fans.
*'swelltastic' is a copyright of Edge's genitals after a night with Lita
This weeks show starts off with Abyss (wearing a new mask) and James Mitchell making their way to the ring. I love this angle so much, I was really getting bored of this great mysterious character and it was about time they exposed everything about him and henceforth made him dull. TNA: Never a show to get complacent with high standards. Now, drawing from previous experiences in the last few months in TNA I can predict what's going to happen and have decided to phrase it in a MULTIPLE CHOICE TEXT IN POLL
Do you think that Abyss will:
CHASE STEVENS vs. ABYSS w/James Mitchell
Andy Douglas runs down and gets the Shock Treatment then wishes he stayed backstage. Sting then appears on the video screen, I assume the rafters are too crowded. Just to show what a good Christian he is and how much he wants Abyss to like him he's wearing the mask he stole from Abyss. Apparently, Abyss hides behind the mask and at the PPV he will be freed of it. Sting says they are coming to the end of their journey. Then Bullfrog said 'thank Christ, it's been a fuck off annoying ride', to which Sting replied with 'don't make me hit you with my patented baseball bat' then Bullfrog says 'yeah, what a superb and original weapon you wrinkly, outdated fucker. Go stand in some rafters!'.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).