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November 05, 2004
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December 24, 2004
NWA TNA IMPACT! ON FOX SPORTS NET (12/24/04)
Dusty Rhodes & Traci (who is now
officially his secretary) opened the show.
The KOW chips interrupted. Dusty incessantly yelled “Aw, shuddup!!”
I admit it, I laughed at that. Dusty officially announced the main event for Final Resolution. Three guys will compete in
a triple-threat elimination match, with the winner going on to challenge Jeff Jarrett for the strap later in the night.
Contestant
#1: Monty Brown (wearing a heat-killing neon yellow turtleneck), who showed up from the other entryway to point at Jarrett.
Contestant
#2: DDP, who taunted the KOW from the crowd.
Contestant #3: Kevin Nash, who didn’t really react.
For one
thing, why is Jarrett upset about this? It puts his challenger at a total disadvantage. For another, WWE just did the “I’m
challenging my teammate” thing with Batista and HHH…and they did it oodles better. I hope someone brought a big
jar of KY Jelly for TNA’s pooch, because it sure got screwed. Again.
1) B.G. James & Ron Killings (w/ Konnan)
beat Cassidy O’Reilly & Brandon Thomas at 3:11. Mostly a comedy squash, though the heels did get heat on B-Jizzle
so he could hot-tag Killings. Truth got the pin with the lie detector. You know, if Ron ever turns heel, they should just
call him “Truth Killings.” As in, a guy who lies a lot. Because, you know, Fit Finlay and Al Snow don’t
like liars. (Waldo)
DDP faced off with Erik Watts backstage. Watts was upset that DDP was getting a potential title
shot. He ain’t the only one. Once Page split, Raven showed up, stirrer in hand.
2) Abyss killed David Young in
45 seconds. That’s right, the same David Young who had a “reverse Goldberg” losing streak of 0-75 or whatever.
Guess what time it is, kids! That’s right! Once again, it’s time for The Complete And Total List Of Every Maneuver
In This Match:
1. Punch
2. Chop
3. Palm thrust
4. Avalanche
5. Whip into turnbuckles
6. Boot to the face
7.
Black hole slam
(Waldo)
A Garza feature aired. This was followed by Garza being the guest in the return of “In
The Pit With Piper.” Guys, you’re already getting sued by WWE. Just call the damn thing “Piper’s Pit”
already. Piper had a Mariachi band playing to welcome Garza. Piper danced badly. Brock did it better. It’s weird; the
heel Piper would have done this to make fun of Garza, but babyface Piper actually tried to use this to put Garza over. A PC
Piper? Is this really what the world needs? Moody Jack accompanied Garza so he could translate. Garza wants Jarrett’s
belt. Garza blamed CholesterHall for screwing up his chance at a title shot. Even though he’s right, it still makes
him sound like a crybaby, which is not what a babyface needs to sound like. I’m guessing this was Big Kev’s idea.
Speaking of the has-beens, The Oldsiders interrupted things at this point. CholesterHall handed Garza one of the Mariachi
guitars, and asked him if he knew any “hits.” CholesterHall then turned his back, so Garza kabonged him. The guitar
didn’t break the first time, so CholesterHall staggered up to his feet and they did it right the second time. Somewhere
in there, Garza dropkicked Nash, too. Looks like it’s Garza vs. CholesterHall on the PPV.
Trivbit: Garza actually
pinned Hall clean on the 9/22/97 Nitro. WCW didn’t bother to put it over as a major upset, thus dropping the ball on
another sure-fire star-making angle.
Mean Shane interviewed XD champion Petey Williams & Coach Scott D’Amore.
Shane announced that Petey would defend the XD Title in an Ultimate X match on the PPV. They didn’t announce his challengers
yet, but a confident Petey didn’t care. My guess is A.J. Styles and Chris Sabin, his challengers on the last two PPVs.
D’Amore said that everything was a conspiracy against his men.
3) A.J. Styles pinned Johnny Devine (w/ D’Amore)
at 5:50. During intros, Don West speculated that in the Ultimate X match, Petey’s challengers would be two more X Division
wrestlers. Nothing gets by him. This was a good fast-paced match. “Hotshot” Devine is starting to get over with
his cocky heel personality. Sweet spot saw Devine leap backwards out of the corner, then catch Styles with a reverse DDT.
Devine’s slingshot legdrop onto the apron was followed by a snap suplex and a surfboard deathlock. Devine gave Styles
an airplane spin from an over-the-shoulder backbreaker into another reverse DDT. Devine then missed a nice moonsault, setting
up Styles’ comeback, featuring the quebrada DDT. Styles climbed to the second rope, but Devine countered with snake
eyes. Devine went for what appeared to be a vertebreaker, but Styles flipped out of it, and in an AWESOME fluid move, gave
Devine a hurracanrana into the Styles clash for the pin. Excellent TV match that showcased both guys. This was Devine’s
breakout match, easy. (Kerry)
Backstage, Dustin Rhodes met Kid Kash. The Kay-Eye-Dee insulted the hell out of Dustin’s
daddy, then wandered off. Dustin quoted the movie “Tombstone,” Goldust-style. Remember what I said about WWE lawsuits?
“Total
Nonstop Action My Ass” stopwatch: 49 minutes into the show, we’ve had 9 minutes, 45 seconds worth of wrestling.
4)
AMW beat NWA World Tag Team champions Bobby Roode & The Other Guy (w/ D’Amore) at 8:42 in a non-title match to earn
a title shot on the next PPV. This also had the “special 15-minute time limit.” Fellas, you’ve done it the
last two weeks. It ain’t special anymore. Nice spot saw Guy throw Chris Harris over the top, but miss a slide-kick when
Harris skinned the cat. AMW then hiptossed Roode into a lift and throw him into Guy. The fans ate it up. The show went to
a commercial break. Stuff like this worked for “Saturday Night’s Main Event” in the 80s, but now it’s
just kinda frustrating. Act II saw the hosers get heat on James Storm until the “Tennessee Cowboy” could turn
an attempted double-backdrop into a double-DDT. Did Raven book this show? There have been like 78 DDTs so far, and we still
have five minutes to go. Storm finally tagged in Harris after hitting Roode with an enziguiri. Harris managed to make a blind
tag, but Roode reversed a full-nelson slam anyway. Storm superkicked the hell out of Roode. Storm small-packaged Guy, but
D’Amore turned them over. However, Harris turned them back over, so Storm pinned Guy. A good, effective match, as it
showed how AMW is clearly the superior team as they go for their 6th NWA World Tag Title at the PPV. (David)
The KOW
closed the show with some drama from the parking garage. Jarrett was livid about Dusty trying to “divide and conquer.”
Once he stormed off, CholesterHall pointed out to Kev that he had held the “WWE” belt and the WCW belt, but never
the NWA belt. Before Kev could figure out where his porcine pal was going with this, they were distracted by a loud crash.
Over on the other side of the lot, Abyss laid out someone under a table. It sounded like he grunted “Truth.” Is
this a mystery? Bad camera work? Something that just ain’t going anywhere? Why the hell was there a press table in the
parking lot? Find out next week! Maybe.
Overall over-analysis: They’re building to the PPV, which is a good thing
whether I want to see the main event or not (and that would be “not”). Still though, the tag main event was good
and a promising sign for said PPV. And the Styles-Devine match is worth hunting down.
This Observer’s Thumb…………………is
up.
-HDS-
Final Resolution lineup:
#1C triple-threat elimination match, winner gets title shot: Monty
Brown vs. DDP vs. Kevin Nash
Ultimate X match for XD Title: Petey Williams vs. ? vs. ?
Tag Title: Bobby Roode
& The Other Guy vs. AMW
Hector Garza vs. CholesterHall?
Programming note: No Impact this Friday (12/31/04).
The next Impact airs next Tuesday (1/4/05) at 3pm.
NWA TNA IMPACT! ON FOX SPORTS NET (12/17/04)
Dusty
cut a promo from the bed of his pickup. And he wonders while people still make fat jokes. He said that he was still waiting
on a call so he could announce the main event for Final Resolution. Great message, people. “It’s gonna be the
best PPV main event ever…if the guy returns our call.” Traci (with Trish Stratus’ old cowboy hat) showed
up, offered to be Dusty’s secretary and accidentally on purpose fell into his lap. Warrant put it best:
I saw
red
When I opened up the door
I saw red
I just fell onto the floor
And I didn’t need to see his face…I
saw yours
I saw red and then I closed the door
I don’t think I’m gonna love you anymore
TNA has opened
up the polls for year-end voting. The nominees for Tag Team Of The Year are Kazarian & Michael Shane, 3 Live Kru, The
Naturals, Team Canada, XXX, AMW, and The NYC (who won one squash match on Impact, then got killed in every other match they
wrestled all year).
2) Jeff Hardy pinned NWA World Tag champion Bobby Roode (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore) at 5:06.
Fast start saw Roode shove Hardy off the top rope onto the guardrail. Roode bullied Hardy for most of the match until Hardy
fell out of a powerbomb attempt. He was supposed to flip out of it, but well, he’s Jeff Hardy. Hardy escaped a vertical
suplex and hit the twist-of-fate. Hardy went for the swanton, but D’Amore distracted him, allowing Roode to crotch him.
Roode tried a superplex, but Hardy shoved him off and hit the swanton for the pin. Fuck this shit. There’s like three
Team Canada guys they do nothing with; don’t job out Roode, who is not only a champion, but TC’s #2 guy, right
behind Petey Williams. (Chris)
3) Dustin Rhodes pinned Johnny Swinger at 4:50. Waaaay too long. Finish was the curtain
call, though they didn’t call it that. (Chris)
Shaneurysm welcomed Dustin to Impact. He was excited to be there
and cut an energetic promo, putting over both the company and Turning Point. Dustin challenged Jeff Jarrett and reminded us
that he was Dusty’s son. Now think about the lengths this guy went to just to get out of Dusty’s shadow.
The
Raven-DDP feud was recapped, as was last week’s confrontations with both Rave and the Oldsiders.
4) Erik Watts
NC Scotty Matthews. Before the match started, DDP ran-in from the crowd and gave Matthews a diamond cutter, apparently wanting
to match-jack things and face Watts himself. Watts backed off. Didn’t they just do the “we don’t know why
they hate each other” build with DDP and Raven a month ago? (Lance)
Best Finisher nominees are: Swanton, stroke,
Canadian destroyer, pounce, Styles clash, diamond cutter, black hole slam, and Raven effect.
They replayed last week’s
finish where Garza edged Styles with a small package off the superplex. Mike Tenay and Moody Jack did the bi thing again this
week. Oh, just stop. You know what I mean. Bilingual announce teams.
5) NWA World champion Jeff Jarrett pinned Hector
Garza in a non-title match at 12:13. This match also had a 15-minute time limit, which they really ought to just establish
as the regular time limit for TV main events. Good psychology and great heat (including the now-standard “dueling chants”
bit). Jarrett was great, slapping around and taunting Garza. These two work well together, and have feuded in AAA recently.
It seems like every week, I’m typing that Garza “works well” with everyone, and dammit, he does. Great drama
and heat for the nearfalls as they passed the 10-minute mark. Jarrett went for the kabong, but the ref grabbed the guitar.
Garza schoolboyed Jarrett for a nearfall. The Oldsiders did an amble-in and the crowd just groaned. Garza floored them both
with a split-leg dropkick. The ref was about to DQ Jarrett, but Garza stopped him, wanting to win it clean. Garza powerbombed
JJ and went for a moonsault, but JJ caught him with the guitar while the Oldsiders tied up the ref. Didn’t look good.
Jarrett got the pin, and one more nail was firmly hammered into TNA’s coffin. If Jarrett was going over, why not make
it a title match? Jobbing out Garza in a non-title match was buried, squared. Good match, horrible finish. (Chris)
Overall
over-analysis: Three words, and they earned every letter: WORST…IMPACT…EVER.
This Observer’s Thumb…………………is
WAAAAAY down.
-HDS-
1) Bobby Roode & The Other Guy beat B.G. James
& Ron Killings (surrogate-defending for Konnan, who skipped the PPV to wrestle in Mexico) to regain the NWA World Tag
Title.
2) Hector Garza & Sonjay Dutt & Sonny Siaki beat Kid Kash & Kazarian & Michael Shane.
3)
Monty Brown beat Abyss in the "Serengeti survival match" where the finish could come via pinfall, submission, or by throwing
the other guy into thumbtacks (finish was the latter).
4) Pat Kenney & Johnny B. Badd beat The New York Connection.
Jacqueline was special ref. This was supposed to be a six-person with Trinity, but she bailed on the PPV for a movie role
with next to no notice. Wild guess: Softcore, only two inputs. This understandably pissed off TNA huge, so the announcers
just pretended that she didn't exist. She's pretty much done with the company. Fuck.
5) DDP pinned Raven.
6)
XD champion Petey Williams pinned Chris Sabin to retain the title.
7) A.J. Styles & Jeff Hardy & Randy Savage
beat Jeff Jarrett & Kevin Nash & CholesterHall in the "Political Chernobyl" match when Savage pinned Jarrett after
(get this) punching him in the head on a sunset flip attempt.
8) AMW beat XXX in the "six sides of steel" cage match,
forcing XXX to split up. All reviews have this pegged as a MOTY candidate, and Dave Meltzer gave it ****3/4 in this week's
WON.
NWA TNA IMPACT! ON FSN (12/10/04)
Open with clip of Vinny McDaddy and "Son-In-Law." This was an annoying
swipe at the WWE they took during the PPV. Unfavorable comparisons to Billionaire Ted flowed like ranch sauce at CholesterHall's
house. All show long, they smartly pushed the TP replay with clips and stills, plus uncredited quotes claiming that it was
the greatest thing ever (especially the cage match). I still stick to my guns that they didn't deserve my money after Victory Road, but still, I may just have to track down a video of this bad boy for purposes of Recapitating the hell out of it.
1)
Christopher Daniels pinned Mikey Batts at 5:00. Announcers said that it was supposed to be Daniels vs. Chris Sabin, but Sabin's
back was hurting from the PPV. Batts came out to Sabin's theme music anyway. Fast-paced with good back-and-forth until Batts
totally fucked up a spot where he was supposed to jump up on Daniels' shoulders from a knucklelock. Daniels finished Batts
off with "Angel's wings" (yet another pedigree knockoff). This smartly reintroduced Daniels into the singles division, which
opens up all sorts of possibilities. (David)
DDP bumped into the Oldsiders. I love how TNA gives TV tme to the young
kids trying to make names for themselves. They baited each other. This went nowhere. Hopefully, it will stay there.
Next
up was a little skit with TNA guys giving their "Resolutions," to build for the "Final Resolution" PPV in January. Traci saved
it for obvious reasons with her obvious talents. Damn, she's hot.
The announcers recapped the Tag Title switch from
the PPV. Shaneurysm talked to a celebrating Team Canada, who is back to controlling two-thirds of all TNA gold. Johnny Devine
has returned from his pincushion impersonation. Bobby Roode cut a funny promo running down other teams, cutting himself off
as he listed XXX. Coach Scott D'Amore served notice on Jeff Jarrett that he wants ALL the gold. He didn't bark at us this
week, which I guess is their way of showing that TC is deadly serious in their championship aspirations.
2) AMW beat
Kazarian & Michael Shane (w/ Traci) at 6:29. Tenay put over today's "PPV quality" lineup with this match and the main
event. He's got a point, as this was the most loaded Impact I can remember. Still though, I would have slow-built AMW's first
meeting with Kaz & Shane. AMW came out bandaged up, selling the cage match. Good stuff. The heels isolated Chris Harris
until he could give the hot tag to James Storm. Kaz hit the old Buff blockbuster move on Storm, followed by Harris hitting
a flying bodypress on Kaz. Kaz & Shane went for extreme domination on Harris, but Storm made the save with a superkick.
Storm pinned Kaz after the death sentence. I don't know why the hell they insist on jobbing out Kaz (who has done like three
high-profile TV jobs since his Ironman performance at Victory Road). A good showcase for AMW, but no way would I have fed
them to Kaz & Shane with no build. (David)
"Best Of AMW" DVDs are now on sale.
They recapped three days
in the life of Monty Brown last week, from the Jarrett match to his win over Abyss at Turning Point.
3) Monty Brown
pounced Glenn Gilberti in 28 seconds. (Waldo)
Mike Tenay interviewed Monty at ringside. Monty called Tenay "Professor
Of Wrestleology." How did Sean miss that one? Monty further ripped on the KOWpies, calling Nash a "grey goose" and CholesterHall
a "three-toed sloth." Everything was going fine until Monty fucked up the name of the next PPV by calling it "Final Destination."
Um, that was a movie. (Sean's note: Well, the movie Final Destination was all about avoiding death
at all costs, so it kinda makes sense as it pertains to TNA...)
Here comes Jeff Jarrett. Please fasten your safety
belts as the show will now screech to a halt. JJ took the mic and bragged about remaining World champion. JJ milked a "Jarrett
sucks" chant. At least he tries to parlay his "monotony heat" into "real heat," unlike HHH who insists on "babyface respect"
from the fans despite being a heel. Jarrett asked who was left to challenge him at Final Res. That was not a good idea, because
fans then immediately started asking themselves the same thing. Jarrett further vowed not to defend his gold at Final Res.
Dusty interrupted him, so Jarrett kept interrupting the interrupter in turn, prompting Dusty to scream "AW, SHUDDUP!!" over
and over. Total amateur hour, but also perversely amusing. Dusty said that he controls Jarrett's destiny, and he would indeed
get a main event PPV payoff, against his will. That'll teach him. As to the challenger, Dusty left us all hanging again.
Footage
aired of DDP vs. Raven from the PPV. Shaneurysm confronted DDP backstage, but Raven interrupted them both. Raven played mindgames,
taunting that DDP "didn't know" something about Erik Watts and he would "forgive the unforgivable." You mean, every single
match Watts ever wrestled? I don't think the Pope has that much fogiveness in him. Then once back from the break, Raven schmoozed
with Erik Watts. He continued to stir it up between Watts and DDP. Remember when Raven was the edgiest wrestler in the biz
nine years ago?
At ringside, spanish color man Moody Jack joined Tenay for wrestling's "first-ever bi-lingual announce
team" for the main event. This was a lousy idea in both theory and practice.
4) Hector Garza pinned A.J. Styles at
8:40 to earn a non-title shot against Jeff Jarrett next week. You read it right. The winner gets a NON-TITLE shot! That's
like a hooker telling you that if you pay her, you can get to second base.
The match had a special 15-minute time limit
and fans started doing the dueling chants straightaway. If anyone deserves credit for what success TNA has enjoyed up to this
point, it's the Orlando crowd. First commercial break hit 64 seconds into the match. Great stuff between two versatile guys
who secrete talent from every pore. It was Garza's lucha tumbling vs. Styles' improv highspots. Garza locked in the Romero
special (upside-down surfboard), but A.J. made the ropes. Fans were even hot for this. A.J. came back with the Asai moonsault
DDT. Styles got another nearfall with a wheelbarrow faceplant. Garza met Styles off the top with a dropkick. Everything these
guys did looked great. More dueling chants. Garza went for a tornado DDT, but Styles spun him back onto the corner and hit
the Pele kick. Finish then saw Styles hit a top-rope superplex, but Garza small-packaged Styles for the pin. This finish was
taken from the famous match between Randy Savage and Dynamite Kid at the WWF's "Wrestling Classic" PPV back in 1985. The win
put Moody Jack in a very good mood. They should do a buddy-movie with Moody Jack and Angry Mike. On second thought, no they
shouldn't. That was a terrible idea. Throwing away the "winner gets a non-title match" nonsense, this was indeed a PPV-quality
match and easily the best TV main event in Impact history, if way too short. (Kerry)
Overall over-analysis: It took
the best PPV in company history to give them a desperately-needed shot in the arm. Riding the momentum from Turning Point,
damned if they didn't turn out a loaded, focused show today. Major props to the boys who busted their asses to put on good
matches, despite being fully aware of the company's financial apocalypse. Next week will be important, not because there's
a non-title match, but to see if they can keep on keepin' on.
This Observer's Thumb............................is up.
-HDS-
It’s
two days before their next PPV. Just thought I’d point that out.
We open with a teaser for today’s Jarrett-Monty
main event, which they finally got around to pushing as “the biggest match in Impact history” now that we’ve
already tuned in.
1) XXX beat Sonjay Dutt & Amazing Red at 4:20. Good fast-paced match that saw the announcers
talk about the six-man match at the PPV with Jarrett & Nash & CholesterHall vs. Styles & Hardy & Savage. Finish
saw Daniels pin Red after Elix Skipper hit a spinkick when Red was going for one of his moves that they didn’t name.
Nice swan song of a TV match for Fallen Angel & Primetime. (David)
AMW cut a promo on XXX, followed by the kick-ass
AMW-XXX feature replayed.
Monty was squatting backstage. Oh, come on, TNA! I know that money is tight right now, and
luxuries like terlets are hard to come by, but let the man keep what’s left of his dignity! Shut those damn cameras
off! Actually he was doing push-ups, but my version is funnier. Monty cut the line of the show, calling the PPV feature narrator
“Darth Vader.” They need to let the guy do more comedy because he CAN do it and do it well. Anyway, Abyss attacked
Monty with a 2x4, making him a question mark for today’s World Title main event. That’ll teach those pesky fans!
I just hope this doesn’t mean that Jim Mitchell has been scrapped as Abyss’ manager in favor of Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
As
the announcers sold the attack, Don West mixed up Abyss and Monty. Ah well, he’ll be gone in a few months.
2)
Abyss killed Matt Mayor & Vince Desmond in a handicap match at 1:36. Mr. Craptus Interruptus came out with his usual chain,
his bag o’ tacks, and now a 2x4. This wouldn’t be so bad if TNA made action figures. But they don’t, so
it is. ‘Byss crushed the hapless jobbers with his rackbreaker and BH slam, respectively. Abyss finished ‘em off
with the double-pin. Now that he’s not building to a three-way match anymore, that spot doesn’t exactly make sense.
Abyss went to pour his tacks on the jobbers, but the ref yanked ‘em to safety. No sign of Abyss’ mystery voice
this week. (Waldo)
Last week’s finish was replayed. Don’t worry, they showed CholesterHall pinning A.J.
Styles again, just in case you missed it last week. The KOW chips gave another long, show-killing interview. Look, guys, I’m
not gonna bullshit you. I fast-forwarded through it. I’m willing to go kayaking through a septic tank for you, but Nash
and CholesterHall are just too damn frustrating to sit through.
3) Kid Kash pinned Chris Sabin at 3:00. The hell? Isn’t
Sabin challenging for the XD Title on PPV this weekend? Hang on, let me check. Yup. Yes indeed, he most surely is. Nice fast-paced
match with a finish where Kash turned a cradle shock into a victory roll with a “plumber’s crack” tights-pull
for the pin. Very good match, but this was NOT the time to job out Sabin. Funny story: When I read this result in WON, at
first, I thought it said NASH pinned Sabin. On a quiet Las Vegas night, you can still hear the echoes of me swearing at the
top of my lungs. (David)
The Sabin-Petey Williams feature was next, almost as an apology for the previous match.
Back
at the announce table, Mike Tenay told us that fans voted, in a landslide, to have TNA air the WWE “welcome wagon”
footage on PPV. They’re SO sued.
Next up was a feature-angle-and-another-feature on the Raven-DDP feud. The crowd
went nuts for Page walking through them. Raven blindsided DDP with a trash can. They had a nice, quick brawl. Raven bailed
out before Page could hit the diamond cutter. Erik Watts stared them down from the cheap seats. The whole “Erik Watts
wildcard” factor hurts this feud more than it helps it.
They replayed the Abyss attack as Tenay & West speculated
as to the condition of Monty.
4) NWA World champion Jeff Jarrett pinned Monty Brown to retain the title at 13:03. Monty
came out with his ribs taped heavily, swiping DDP’s “other” gimmick. Jeremy Borash did the ring intros after
both guys were in the ring, like ECW/Japan. Borash did a decent enough job, but reminding us that JJ has been the champ since
May isn’t a good thing. Tenay did the best scream-sell of his career as they went to break before the start of the match.
When the match started, Tenay assured us that they would show the full match in its entirety. Opening minutes saw Monty overpower
Jarrett like nobody’s business. The tide turned when Monty missed a (bad) dive over the ropes. Jarrett worked over Monty’s
bad ribs and back. Monty came back with a bunch of power moves for a bunch of nearfalls, capped off by that kick-ass bodyslam-lift-into-a-powerbomb.
The crowd was on their feet for this and the heat was everything you could ask for. Monty gave Jarrett the fallaway slam,
but threw him into the ref for a ref bump. Jarrett kabonged him, but he no-sold it. The fans went nuts. Jarrett hit the stroke,
but Monty kicked out for a great false finish. Monty um, Browned up and gave Jarrett the pounce. At this point, it kinda reminded
me of Hogan-Goldberg with fans creaming for the unstoppable babyface to knock off the stale heel champion. Didn’t happen.
CholesterHall ran-in and was similarly pounced. During this, Jarrett grabbed a chair and gave Monty two chairshots for the
pin. Okay, so not only was the challenger injured in a pre-match attack, but there was still outside interference, a guitar
and two chairs involved. Not sure who this protects, but overbooked nonsense like this doesn’t get anyone over. (Chris)
The
show ended with a shot of A.J. Styles and Jeff Hardy in their street clothes, apparently laid out in the parking lot. The
implication is that they were victims of the mighty KOW once again. Savage showed up and hovered over them as a mysterious
vehicle drove onto the scene. Um, TNA? It’s been five fucking years. We don’t care who drove the damn hummer anymore.
Overall
over-analysis: It seemed like this show should have aired a week AFTER the PPV, instead of two days BEFORE. You have a screwjob
in a World Title main event (never a good thing). You have Chris Sabin, the #1C to the XD Title, doing a job. You have XXX
doing a quickie match and AMW doing a quickie promo despite the fact that in two days, you’re having the most important
match in the career of either team. You have the baffling involvement of Erik Watts on the only thing that really DID work
today. And you have another lackluster “11th hour” show days before TNA expects fans to cough up another $30.
Good freakin’ luck.
This Observer’s Thumb……………..is down.
-HDS-
Turning
Point PPV lineup (12/5/04)
“Six Sides Of Steel” cage match, losers must split up: AMW vs. XXX
XD
Title: Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin
Jeff Jarrett & Kevin Nash & CholesterHall vs. A.J. Styles & Jeff
Hardy & Randy Savage
Raven vs. DDP
Serengeti survival match (?): Monty Brown vs. Abyss
Kid Kash &
Kazarian & Michael Shane vs. Hector Garza & Sonjay Dutt & Sonny Siaki
B.G. James became my favorite wrestler in the world when
he recently flipped out backstage, called Bob Ryder a “fucking faggot,” and tore into AMW for having to “get
all their shit in” at Victory Road despite the fact that Elix Skipper suffered a concussion during the AMW-XXX match. James was also rightly pissed that the 3 Live Kru are “supposed to be thugs, but
made to look like pussies.”
Not to be upstaged as TNA’s most vociferous malcontent, my other favorite wrestler
in the world, Kid Kash, did another shoot interview for a U.K. magazine where he again ripped into the company for flushing
money away on Savage, Nash, and CholesterHall, while cutting corners and not paying the young wrestlers what they’re
worth.
Then Dusty Rhodes addressed the troops and basically told them to quit bitching because Victory Road did a better-than-expected
buyrate thanks to Nash, CholesterHall, and Savage (who wasn’t advertised beforehand and arrived as a surprise in for
the last 30 seconds of the show).
But most importantly, Panda Energy (TNA’s sugar daddy) has grown tired of flushing
money down the toilet on the company that has yet to turn a profit or for that matter, ever break even. TNA has been cutting
corners like they’re coupons from the Sunday newspaper. Impact tapings were scaled back to bi-weekly outings, while
the syndicated Xplosion show will be a magazine format. Just recently, Jerry Jarrett was basically told that Panda wanted
out. It was a major miracle when Jerry hooked up with Panda several months ago when it looked like TNA was DOA. So unless
Jerry Jarrett can somehow pull another rabbit out of his hat, NWA TNA is done for. Suffice to say, they’re now officially
on death watch.
NWA TNA IMPACT! ON FOX SPORTS NET (11/30/04)
The Monty Brown-Abyss feud was recapped, as was
KOW vs. The Soon-To-Be-Unemployed.
Speaking of the TNA death watch, we’re starting the show with an angle that
sees EIGHT FUCKING BABYFACES ambush Nash and CholesterHall in their dressing room. A.J. Styles sucker-punched CH and the faces
ran away like cockroaches, callously disregarding the “DO NOT ENTER” sign on the door. Lousy whippersnappers.
1)
AMW beat The NYC (w/ Trinity) at 4:04. James Storm got the hot tag and cleaned house until getting tripped by Johnny Swinger.
Storm no-sold and pinned Disco No Mo’ after the death sentence. Trinity is hot. The match was not. (Mike)
Mean
Shane talked to Dusty, who booked Styles vs. CholesterHall for today’s main event. Mean Shane didn’t even finish
overselling that announcement when Dusty also booked next week’s TV main event with Jeff Jarrett defending the NWA World
Title against Monty Brown. For comedic purposes, Mean Shane will now be referred to as “Shaneurysm” for the remainder
of this review.
Hey, let’s poke at a hornet’s nest! As you surely know by now, the WWE crew was at Universal
Studios to film a commercial for the upcoming 1/30/05 Royal Rumble PPV. Masterminded by David Sahidi (the production genius
behind TNA’s recent video features who used to work for the WWE), a camera crew filmed Abyss, Trinity, Shane Douglas,
and 3LK going out as a “welcome wagon” for the WWE guys, complete with balloons and cookies. WWE freaked out and
threatened to sue everyone from Universal to TNA to Nabisco for making the cookies.
Anyway, TNA filmed the whole thing
and now there’s a poll on their website asking if fans want the footage shown on the Turning Point PPV. There’s
not enough bandwidth on the whole freakin’ internet to fully explain how awful this idea truly is. Even if the incident
happened on public property, the WWE still owns the likenesses of their guys. It would be one thing if TNA showed it on their
TV show, but to use it to BLATANTLY try and sell their PPV, they’re gonna be up to their balloons in hot water. I’m
all for TNA going balls-out against the competition, but this is NOT the time to court trouble from the WWE (pun intended).
Next
was a feature on the AMW-XXX war. Very well done. Don’t quit your day job, Sahadi.
They went two for two on great
features by then recapping the Petey Williams-Chris Sabin feud and the emphasis on Sabin OWNING the Canadian Destroyer.
2)
Chris Sabin won a non-title sudden-death three-way match over XD champion Petey Williams (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore) &
Michael Shane (w/ Traci) at 3:57. Okay, for today, Traci beats Trinity for babe of the week, but check back with me in seven
days. I hope they book those two on PPV before the company goes belly-up by February. This was an interesting choice for a
match when you’re trying to sell a Petey-Sabin PPV title match in nine days. Not what I would have done, but still,
the booking was solid as Shane played the wildcard rather than help Petey. Tracy and her cleavage trapped Sabin between the
ropes, allowing Shane to hit a hanging guillotine legdrop. Sabin gave Shane a NICE enziguiri, prompting Petey to dart in and
hit the tilt-a-whirl legsweep for a nearfall. In the move of the year from TNA, Petey set up Shane for a CD off the second
rope, but Sabin flipped over Shane’s back, and in one fluid motion, hurracanrana’ed Petey and German suplexed
Shane. All three guys get MAJOR props. A quick fix to making Smackdown watchable again would be to sign these three guys for
the Cruiserweight division ASAP. Sabin went for the cradle shock, but Shane made the save with a backbreaker. Petey rewarded
him by clotheslining him over the top rope. Petey went for the CD, but for the third time, Sabin countered it into the cradle
shock for the pin. Again, not conventional booking, but the point was made and made damn well. (Kerry)
Shaneurysm tried
to talk to Raven and his Droogs, but Rave blew him off. I always did like Raven.
The Sabin-Petey PPV commercial aired.
Awesomely booked, awesomely produced. One of the few things going on in wrestling right now that is exactly what it should
be.
3) Raven NC Vordell Walker. Raven attacked Vordell before the bell so the ref waved off the match. DDP made the
save and cut a promo on Rave, running down their history. DDP bragged about winning a four-way match over Sting, Hulk Hogan,
and Ric Flair to become World champion. That happened at Spring Stampede on 4/11/99, by the way. It’s one thing when
the WWE has guys teaming up with each other a few months after a blood-feud (like Lesnar & Cena last year), but when you’re
boasting about your career peak from five and a half years ago, it’s just sad. And it only got worse. DDP said that
after the win, he and Rave partied “with Kim.” Hey, I like DDP, but implying that you let another guy have a “three-way-dance”
with you and your wife isn’t exactly gonna get you over with the 18-34 male demographic, or for that matter, sell a
single PPV. Anyway, DDP returned because Raven was talking smack about him. Dude, if wrestlers went to war each other every
time one of them badmouthed the other, then everyone would be always be fighting each other and there would be no time for
20-minute HHH promos or witless jabs at the NFL with a black wrestler and a naked Canadian chick. Raven shot back with a funny
line. “So many people have stuck knives in your back, how do you know which one is mine?” He’s still got
it, I tell ya. Rave continued that their issue about Kim, but rather, “it’s about Erik Watts.” Raven further
whined that he should have been the World champion, not DDP. The Droogs attacked DDP, who gave them each a diamond cutter.
Homosexual overtures focused on Erik Watts notwithstanding, this was a fun nostalgic angle. (Lance)
A.J. warned us not to try this at home again. Thanks, Phenomenal
One. Now I’ll return the favor by warning you not to have TV matches against CholesterHall.
4) Hector Garza pinned
Kid Kash (w/ his coconut) at 2:55. A nicely-illustrated fan sign boasting “KID DESERVES KREDIT” was featured as
the Kay-Eye-Dee walked to the ring. This amuses me because he’s perpetually in the doghouse, but apparently someone
forgot to tell the production monkeys. Fans chanted “Hector” as the lads faced off. Good back-and-forth, leading
to Shane and Kazarian coming down to ringside and hopping up on the apron. Kash shoved Garza into them both, and went for
a powerbomb or piledriver. Garza was supposed to flip out of it and roll up Kash for the pin, but they totally fucked it up.
Kash just kinda fell over backwards and Garza pinned him. After the bell, the heels went for another coconut shot, but Sonjay
Dutt, Amazing Red, Shark Boy, and D-Ray 3000 ran ‘em off. Traci or no Traci, a finish botched that badly is gonna cost
you a full Von Erich. (Mike)
The Turning Point commercial aired, followed by stills for the top three matches (AMW-XXX,
Petey-Sabin, and the six-man).
They recapped wrestling’s most boring feud, Team Canada vs. 3LK. They’re
selling that Konnan was injured by the KOW last week, so now B.G. James and Ron Killings are defending the belts. I guess
3LK is like the Freebirds or Demolition, to where any two of the three can defend their tag straps. Not my favorite recurring
angle, but hey, if we get Killings instead of Konnan, that’s a system upgrade even Dell would be hard-pressed to equal.
5)
Ron Killings pinned Bobby Roode (w/ D’Amore) at 3:18. Good action between two guys who deserve better than to be buried
in a listless faction war. Truth won with the lie detector after shoving Roode into D’Amore. B.G. cut a promo on TC,
as it’s 2LK vs. Roode & The Other Guy for the Tag Title at Turning Point. At least he didn’t brag about retaining
the IC Title over Ken Shamrock, Val Venis, and Goldust, at Wrestlemania 15. BTW, did you notice that 3LK is the only faction
around these days that has yet to show the slightest sign of splitting up? There, that oughtta jinx ‘em. (David)
Another
commercial for Turning Point aired. I think it’s hilarious that they emphasize how the losers of the AMW-XXX match can
never again team up “in TNA wrestling.” That’s an empty threat. Will there even BE a “TNA wrestling”
in three months?
6) CHOLESTERHALL FUCKING PINNED A.J. STYLES AT 8:36. Is it three months yet? CH has to be seen to
be believed. He’s still rolling in his Wolfpac-issue black-and-red trunks, but the problem is that his midsection is
rolling them altogether. I taped this match just so I can pop it in from time to time and horrify my “casual fan”
friends by saying “Hey, remember Razor Ramon? Well check THIS out.” A.J. did what he could to carry CH and
Slow-mo
Kevin Nash came down and interfered while the poor referee had to play the dumbass and distract himself while Nash could hobble
up on the apron and blindside Styles. Hall caught Styles off the top, but Jeff Hardy ran-in (or knowing him, just now arriving
at the building) and dropkicked Styles in the back so Styles fell on CH for a nearfall. P1 went for the Styles clash, but
Jarrett ran-in and kabonged him. CH pinned him. In the wrestling biz, we refer to this as “the first nail in the coffin.”
Savage’s TNA music warbled and the Macho Hobo led 3LK, AMW, and the rest of the babyfaces into the ring. Jarrett and
CH backed up in cowardice (you know, the way heels are SUPPOSED to), but Nash laughed at Macho and mockingly played air guitar
on a chair. Out of every possible TV match they could have done to push the six-man main event at Turning Point, Styles was
the LAST fucking guy who should have done the job, screwjob or no. Oh yeah, this company is doomed. (kevin)
Overall
over-analysis: The build to Petey-Sabin remains strong. Ditto AMW-XXX and in a pleasant surprise, DDP-Raven. Out of all the
things I ever expected to critique this company for, “underpromoting a Jeff Jarrett main event” was never on the
list. If the World Title is at stake on free TV next week, it should be a huge deal. How about a promo from Monty, who finally
gets his crack at the big prize? How about some words from Abyss’ mystery voice about how they hope Monty wins the gold,
so then a fresh Abyss can in turn beat Monty for the strap two days later on PPV? Missed opportunities. Young guys cut off
at the knees. Nash and CholesterHall running rampant. I could have just phoned it in today and done a “copy n’
paste” from the last two years of WCW rants.
This Observer’s Thumb……………..is
WAY down.
-HDS-
Turning Point PPV lineup (12/5/04)
Jeff Jarrett & Kevin Nash & CholesterHall
vs. A.J. Styles & Jeff Hardy & Randy Savage
“Six Sides Of Steel” cage match, losers must split
up: AMW vs. XXX
XD Title: Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin
Raven vs. DDP
Serengeti survival match (?):
Monty Brown vs. Abyss
Kid Kash & Kazarian & Michael Shane vs. Hector Garza & Sonjay Dutt & Sonny Siaki
Welcome to my first-ever Precap! Given that I’ve been following TNA Impact since its debut on FSN, I thought this would
be a good chance to analyze what’s on the table for their first three-hour PPV. Enjoy!
PRECAP:
NWA TNA VICTORY ROAD PPV (11/7/04)
The match: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Scott Hall) vs. Jeff Hardy
(w/ Kevin Nash) in a ladder match.
The stakes: Jarrett’s NWA World Title, plus it’s the main event of TNA’s
first three-hour PPV.
The build: They did what they could. They made a huge deal out of Dusty Rhodes bringing Hardy
in for a title shot. Their first title match (9/8/08) was a disappointing screwjob, but unlike the Jarrett-Raven program,
they kept the fires burning for a rematch. The Outsiders are the focus of the match’s intrigue.
The hope: For
starters, they’re hoping that the damn challenger shows up for the main event. He no-showed an Impact taping, ya know.
Fans want ladder spots and for Hall & Nash to do something cool.
The hell? For some reason, they totally screwed
the pooch on the final Impact before the PPV (11/5/04). The storyline was that Jarrett and Petey Williams attacked Hardy in
his hotel room days before the big event. Then they shoved Hardy off a ladder on Impact. Undeterred, Hardy did a run-in on
Impact’s main-event and pinned Jarrett clean, even though Hardy wasn’t competing in the match. Hardy then basically
no-sold his brutal beating and subsequent stretcher job. It’s hard to imagine the sheer volume of illegal substances
that had to be consumed to make this seem like a good idea. It’s tough when your challenger is so flaky, he oughtta
be selling Head & Shoulders. He doesn’t sell wrestling moves worth a damn anymore.
Do I want to see this
match? Not really. Hardy’s already a has-been and a ladder match doesn’t play to Jarrett’s strengths.
*
The
match: Petey Williams (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore) vs. A.J. Styles
The stakes: Petey’s XD Title.
The
build: Rock solid, and everything it should have been. The guys attack each other on a weekly basis, and have taken to using
one another’s finishers to send a message.
The hope: A cutting-edge show stealer. From a workrate standpoint,
this match has the highest expectations of ‘em all.
The hell? When Styles used the Canadian destroyer to win
a squash, it was on the syndicated Xplosion show. Meaning, most of their audience (including moi) never got to see it. They
should have at least replayed it on this past Impact. Or would that have gotten in the way of the Johnny B. Badd squash?
Do
I want to see this match? Hell, yes!
*
The match: Bobby Roode & The Other Guy (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore)
vs. Konnan & B.G. James
The stakes: Team Canada’s World Tag Title.
The build: Two-thirds of the 3
Live Kru won an anticlimactic #1C match over The Naturals to earn this shot. That’s about it.
The hope: That
K-Diddle and B-Jizzle still have some star power enough to where fans will pop for their intro.
The hell? This was
the only heavily-promoted VR match that didn’t even get one of those slick "____ vs. ____" graphics. Also, The Other
Guy (a.k.a. Eric Young) has had ZERO character development. You’d be hard-pressed to find even a regular TNA fan who
could tell you anything about him.
Do I want to see this match? Nope. Couldn’t care less. It’s obvious
that TC are beltwarmers for AMW. Speaking of which…
*
The match: AMW vs. XXX in a last-team-standing match
The
stakes: Who is the better team? Simple, yet effective. Gotta love that old-school booking.
The build: Victory Road’s
best-built match, easily. They’ve played up the history between the teams to the hilt. XXX has the better record, but
AMW are the perennial favorites. They did a mix-n-match angle wherein Chris Harris (AMW) & Elix Skipper (XXX) won the
Tag Title together, only to lose it to James Storm (AMW) & Christopher Daniels (XXX) weeks later. When Storm & Daniels
dropped the gold to Team Canada, everything exploded again and AMW-XXX was the hottest tag team feud in the country again,
belts or no belts.
The hope: Another very good match between the four that further cements the AMW-XXX war as the cornerstone
of the tag division.
The hell? Word’s already leaked out that AMW just re-upped their TNA contracts. They’ll
be getting another Tag Title run before you know it. Gotta admit, that does take the edge off the suspense for this match.
Also, they never did get around to explaining the stips for a last-team-standing match.
Do I want to see this match?
You betcha. This is the surest thing on tap for Sunday.
*
The match: Monty Brown vs. Raven vs. Abyss in a three-way
no-DQ "Monster’s Ball" match
The stakes: They’ve kinda sorta implied that the winner would be the new #1C
for the World Title, but they haven’t really hammered that point.
The build: All three are perennially in the
World Title picture and have been feuding with each other after Jeff Hardy outlasted them all to win the four-man tournament
to crown the new #1C. They’ve done creative things like have Monty pounce two guys in one squash, and have Abyss demand
a double three-count in another squash. But the real intrigue is the mysterious voice that has been touting itself as the
new "voice of Abyss." It’s supposed to be Jim Mitchell, which would totally rule all ass.
The hope: Monty Brown
takes a major step closer to becoming TNA’s first official home-grown superstar, while the other two stay strong.
The
hell? Like with AMW-XXX, we still don’t know what exactly the stips entail for the Monster’s Ball. This past Impact,
they said it was no-DQ, but that’s about it.
Do I want to see this match? Sure, I’ll bite. This is the
wildcard. If done right, it can be very entertaining, but it does seem to have "clustershmazz" written all over it. Between
the three personalities (four if Mitchell shows up), that’s a lot of booking to cram into one bout.
*
The
match: 20-man XD Gauntlet battle royal.
The stakes: Again, it’s implied that the winner will be the new #1C to
the XD Title, but they haven’t made that a focal point.
The build: Chris Sabin won a match to earn the #20 slot;
Kazarian lost a match to "earn" the #1 slot. Spanky may or may not be part of this.
The hope: See spot. See spot fly.
See spot get over. See fans come back for more spots.
The hell? On the latest Impact, Sabin complained about winning
the #20 slot, which doesn’t make a damn lick of sense.
Do I want to see this match? Let me put it this way: If
the Monster’s Ball could end up as a clustershmazz, this thing could be a plane crash that derails a train into a toxic
waste dump, causing a radioactive catastrophe that wrecks vegetation and sees an entire continent wither away and die. Okay,
so maybe it won’t be THAT bad. I dunno, if you shut your brain off and just enjoy the carnage, these can be pretty fun.
So to answer the question, that’s a "yes."
*
The match: Macarita Sagrada vs. Piratita Morgan in a minis
match
The stakes: None.
The build: None. They never even announced the guys by name on TV.
The hope:
Comedy. I half-expect them to use this match as an excuse to have Puppet The Psycho Dwarf to a run-in and make him the midget
911 or something (which I would totally mark out for, but it wouldn’t mean crap for revenue).
The hell? I can
appreciate them wanting to have "something for everyone," but for their first outing, I think this spot should be given to
a couple full-sized full-timers. Just sayin’.
Do I want to see this match? Not really, but damned if those minis
don’t crack me up.
*
The match: Trinity vs. mystery opponent
The stakes: None.
The build:
Trinity keeps challenging anyone, man or woman. When Director Of Authority Vince Russo booked this, he cryptically warned
that Trin "wouldn’t like" who her opponent turns out to be.
The hope: Trinity will make fans touch themselves.
Hey, just being honest.
The hell? Mystery surprise angles bomb more often than not. Remember Rockabilly? As much as
I dig Trinity, this is not good business.
Do I want to see this match? No, but I do want to see Trinity. She’s
on my "must-stalk" list. Hey, just being honest again.
*
The angle: A fan vote pitting Vince Russo against Dusty
Rhodes.
The stakes: Winner becomes TNA Director Of Authority.
The build: The two worst bookers in history have
been arguing for months now. The crazy thing is that they’ve never really clarified what the dispute is. I guess they
just don’t like each other.
The hope: Fans still love Dusty despite killing more territories than bad weather
and plague put together.
The hell? It’s been public knowledge for months now that Russo is done with TNA (for
now). Why they would waste valuable PPV time for these egomaniacs is a bigger mystery than Trinity’s opponent.
Do
I want to see this? Do you even have to ask?
*
The angle: Roddy Piper will host a mystery guest in a special
"Pit."
The stakes: None, really.
The build: A bunch of horrible vignettes with Piper babbling about past Pits.
He threw out a lot of racist remarks, too, the assbag.
The hope: That it’s a star fans will pop for. Sting is
their best bet.
The hell? Lex Luger was brought to an Impact taping. Please God, no.
Do I want to see this?
Nuh uh. Watching the train wreck that was once Roddy Piper isn’t funny anymore. It’s just plain sad.
FINAL TALLY:
Matches/angles I want to see: 5
Matches/angles I don’t want to see:
5
Overall over-analysis: I wish I could say that I planned a deadlock, but the fact is that I just shot from the hip
and totaled up the numbers at the end. But when you factor in that some of the "want to see" side is more like "What the hell,
I’ll watch it," rather than "I really, REALLY want to see this," it doesn’t look so good. Let’s face it:
TNA doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to delivering the goods. Will I give them a chance this time? Okay.
But if they piss me off, I’ll happily watch them die. Ball’s in your court, guys. Just please, no more passing
to Russo. That guy chokes in the pinch worse than Mama Cass.
-HDS-
THE CLUSTER-PLUGGER:
One
week from today, Victory Road goes from "Precap" to "Recapitation" in the ‘Shmazz. Check back to see who lived up, who won’t live it down, and most importantly, what Trinity
was wearing.
Wanna brush up on your TNA before the big dance? Go read my Impact reviews over here.
Might I interest you in some 1994 WWF reviews with your TNA this week? We gotcha covered.
This week, we re-open the Vault with my reviews of both "Inside The WWF" and "Bloopers, Bleeps, & Bodyslams."
Two Sundays, two PPVs, two Recapitations? I feel like I’m back in the 90s! Where’s
my one t-shirt? You know, the black one. Provided my cable company doesn’t shut me down for delinquent bills (Hey, I
can’t help it. The Naked News is like heroin to me), I’ll drop the blade on the Survivor Series 2004 come 11/21/04.
And
no sooner will the chop block be cleaned than it’ll be time for yet ANOTHER Recapitation. This time, the target will
be new WWE DVD, "The Rise And Fall Of ECW." I’m really looking forward to this one; no sarcasm needed. Look for it on
11/28/04.
In the meantime, don’t forget to keep checking in with Sean on the main page for all the latest poop. Seriously, people. He’ll cut you.
And finally, jump on over to the TWF Fan Forum to tell me what you think about all of this. Seriously, I need boundaries. Without them, I’ll
be cracking that joke, "_____ once killed a homeless man just to give himself an erection" from now until the end of time.
It’s all on you.
4) Spanky won the four-way one-fall XD match to determine the #1 entrant in the Gauntlet
by pinning Kazarian at 1:44. Spanky was mysterious #4, and the announcers kinda blew it by screaming it was Spanky the second
he appeared. The rule for "surprise" angles has always been to give the fans a second or two to recognize the guy before your
announcers start marking out. It’s considered good business to let the fans realize who the surprise is before the announcers.
I know it sounds silly, but trust me, it works. Trinity came out during the match and re-reissued her open challenge. Spanky
hit sliced bread #2 on Sydal, who managed to tag in Kaz. Spanky went for sliced bread #2, um, #2 on Kaz, but Michael Shane
broke it up. Trinity then jumped up and snapped Kaz’s throat off the top rope. Spanky hit a sweet tornado DDT into a
small package to pin Kaz, so Kaz is #1 in the Gauntlet. Fun while it lasted, but too short to be a full-blown "match." They
accomplished what they wanted to. (David) -HDS-
1) Johnny
B. Badd squashed Tony Stradlin at 1:18. This was bizarre on so many levels. For an "11th hour" show, everything should be
focused on the PPV. Why bring back a name from the past NOW? They should have trotted out JBB the following week after the
PPV, so fans would have something new to talk about. Also, he didn’t even look like the JBB of old. He was clean-shaven
with a close-cropped haircut. He wore black trunks, pads, and boots. He did come out with a robe and the famous Badd blaster,
and he said some of his catchphrases to the camera. JBB did what he could in his time, even bringing back the old "Badd mood"
(a Frankensteiner off the top). Fans chanted "Johnny." JBB finished off Stradlin with the TKO ("Total Knockout," a diamond
cutter out of a fireman’s carry), which was the finisher for "Marvelous" Marc Mero, not Johnny B. Badd. It’s a
nitpick, but it’s like when Cactus Jack uses the sock; that’s not the character’s finisher. Don’t
worry, plenty of Sable/Brock jokes to follow, but I have a full plate this week. (Waldo)
Jarrett gave the production
truck a tape and told them to play it when he told them. JJ said, "Don’t ask any questions; I’M running the show!"
That’s a shoot, I presume.
Two days before the PPV, they finally made a feature on the Jeff vs. Jeff main event.
A
plug aired for the "Best Damn Wrestling Event Period," a joint production of TNA and BDSSP. Their main event is Tom Arnold
vs. Puppet The Psycho Dwarf. ‘Nuff said.
More "Tales From The Pit" with Racist Roddy. He said Mr. T was a black
guy with an Indian haircut and Aztec gold. Then the guy rambled about shaving "a black midget" (The Haiti Kid), and some nonsense
about Capt. Lou Albano and Cyndi Lauper. I don’t care how big a name RRP is; these things do nothing to get him over
and do everything to reinforce the feeling that the guy has totally lost his marbles. The racial crap doesn’t do anyone
any favors, either.
Mike Tenay was in the ring running down the VR lineup. Jarrett and his ladder came out. JJ cut
a good promo, saying the "neon space cadet landed on Planet Jarrett." JJ threw to his tape, which was himself and Petey Williams
attacking Jeff Hardy in his hotel room. Jarrett called the cameraman "Scott," implying it was Scott Hall. Petey was dressed
like a maintenance man, which was how they got the drop on Hardy. Angry Mike Tenay was cross with The King O’ The Mountain.
Jarrett said he needed a new opponent for VR. Guess he read my last few weeks of Impact reviews. Jarrett sarcastically challenged
Nash, asking if he could even still walk to the ring. It’s official; I’m now a Jarrett mark again. Dusty interrupted
JJ, saying said that come Monday morning, he’d be running the company and JJ would be beltless. A bandaged Hardy (who
was wearing the same outfit as when he was attacked "last night") ran out of the crowd to attack Jarrett. Hardy set up JJ
for a flatliner, then seemed to forget where he was for a moment and hit a Rock bottom. Hardy climbed the ladder, presumably
for a swanton, but Petey ran-in and shoved the ladder over. Hardy bumped to the floor, which the announcers sold huge.
Douglas
interviewed Chris Sabin and congratulated him on winning the #20 slot for the XD Gauntlet at VR. Sabin complained TNA’s
marketing of him (join the club, pal) and said that he would have preferred to be #1. Um, then why the hell did he pin Alex
Shelley last week to win the slot? Sabin vowed to win the Gauntlet and stormed off. Douglas was standing next to a cute blond
chick who was holding a jug (huh huh, huh huh). There were slips of paper in said jug. Douglas explained that today’s
show would have a four-way one-fall XD match, with the loser of the fall getting the #1 slot in the Gauntlet. Douglas said
that they’d already drawn Matt Sydal (who?) and Amazing Red for the match. Hey, thanks for telling us, jerky. Douglas
drew Kazarian’s name as the third entrant. Kaz & Michael Shane (w/ Traci) showed up and complained about how they
kept getting screwed and pitted against each other. Douglas drew the final slip but MS told him don’t bother reading
it, because he was sure that his name was on every last slip. The lads left to prepare. Douglas overacted as he read the name
on slip #4, asking "Is he even with this company?" Nice tease, despite the Franchise’s amateur-hour theatrics.
Back
to the Impact Zone, Hardy was stretchered out. Jarrett attacked him on the stretcher for good measure. Okay, this was the
exact opposite of what they should have done two days before a PPV.
A short feature aired on the "Monster’s Ball"
match at VR. We still don’t know what the stips are. They replayed the ghost voice singing Abyss’ praises from
last week (Jim Mitchell?).
2) Abyss mangled Seth Delay in 41 seconds. This was quite possibly the most realistic squash
match ever as the jobber just ran like hell until ‘Byss caught him and sent him to SquashyTown with the BH slam. Abyss
insisted that the ref administer another three-count after the bell. Nothing’s worse than an insistent Abyss. The point
of this was to answer Monty’s double-pounce of weeks previous. Get it? One three-count for Monty; one three-count for
Raven, showing that he could beat them both. In a rare goof, Tenay totally missed this, and said Abyss insisted on a "five-count."
Monty came out to tease a throwdown, but ‘Byss emptied his sack of thumbtacks onto the mat, which caused "The Alpha
Male" to put his tail between his legs and back off. They mentioned that the Ball was no-DQ but didn’t go into specific
stips. (Waldo)
Raven cut a short, intense promo for the PPV. Rave said that he was going to fast for 24 hours before
the Ball because it would either bring him clarity or drive him insane, and he doesn’t care which one it is. He’s
such an angry young fella nowadays. If you want to read what he was doing ten years ago in happier times, go check out this
week’s update over in the Vault.
A feature aired hyping the AMW-XXX "last team standing" match. We still don’t
know what the stips are. Notice a pattern yet?
Douglas talked to AMW, who cut a short-but-sweet promo on XXX. James
Storm in particular showed good fire.
3) James Storm beat Christopher Daniels by DQ in 55 seconds. All action up until
Storm hit a nice superkick, causing Primetime to run-in and break up the pin. Chris Harris made the save, but PT handcuffed
him to the turnbuckle. The Naturals showed up and helped XXX deliver a beating to AMW. Heavy D and security showed up to poop
on the party, but Daniels wiped out Storm with a chairshot to the knee. Daniels asked how AMW expected to win a last-team-standing
match if they couldn’t even stand. Well done. The Nats and Team Canada watched from the aisle. This was about the only
thing on the show this week that was exactly what it should have been; a taste of what’s coming up on PPV, yet it didn’t
give away money. (David)
Vince Russo came out. Crap, I guess it was too much to hope that he would
finish up a week early. Russo didn’t even mention his deal with Dusty on the PPV, which was something of a blessing
in disguise. Russo said "Punky Brewster" (Trinity) would have a match on the PPV, but she wouldn’t like her opponent.
Ring announcer Jeremy Borash asked Russo who would replace Hardy in today’s main event (which was supposed to be Hardy
& A.J. Styles vs. Jarrett & Petey), but Russo blew him off.
They replayed the Hall & Nash promos, interspersing
them with each other. Nothing new, but it did remind fans that they were part of VR.
Today’s "Total Nonstop
Action My Ass" clock: 50 minutes into the show, we’ve had less than five minutes of wrestling.
5) Today’s
main event was World champion Jeff Jarrett & XD champion Petey Williams (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore) vs. A.J. Styles
& Ron Killings (who replaced Jeff Hardy). Angry Mike Tenay disgustedly called Petey "The Maintenance Man." You know, that
has a nice ring to it as a nickname. Killings danced out and this time the announcers got the surprise right, letting RK do
his thing for a few moments before selling that Jarrett was out of the frying pan, into the fire. They did another mid-match
commercial break for this match, which, as I’ve bitched about before, is stupid, disrespectful, and totally unnecessary
for a 10-minute TV match. Styles and Petey danced well together. Jarrett kit Killings with a beltshot, but Styles yanked the
ref out of the ring. Hardy ran-in out of nowhere and gave Jarrett a horribly sloppy twist-of-fate followed by a swanton. Hardy,
who wasn’t part of the match, covered Jarrett, and the ref counted the pin at 6:36. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Words fail me. (kevin)
One last feature aired, previewing the PPV lineup. This was nice, if a little bit all-over-the-place.
And guess who got the last word? World champion Jeff Jarrett? Nope. His challenger, Jeff Hardy? Nuh uh. The company’s
most-over babyface, A.J. Styles? Of course not. No, the last plug for Victory Road came from Tom Arnold!! Hey, if he can’t
sell this PPV, nobody can.
Overall over-analysis: In many ways, this was the most important edition of Impact yet,
and to say they dropped the ball would be kind. The Badd match had no business on this show. Doing a storyline like the Hardy
attack two days before a PPV defies all logic. Like I said, the only thing they got right was the build to AMW-XXX. I talk
more about VR in my first-ever Precap.
This Observer’s Thumb…………is down.
Final
announced lineup for Victory Road PPV (11/7/04):
Ladder match for World Title: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Scott Hall) vs. Jeff
Hardy (w/ Kevin Nash)
XD Title: Petey Williams vs. A.J. Styles
World Tag Title: Bobby Roode & The Other
Guy vs. Konnan & B.G. James
20-man #1C XD Gauntlet battle royal w/ Kazarian (who will enter at #1), Michael Shane,
Alex Shelley, Jerelle Clark, Shark Boy, Chad Collyer, Amazing Red, Sonjay Dutt, Mikey Batts, D-Ray 3000, L.A. Park, Psicosis,
Hector Garza, Nosawa, Chris Sabin (who will enter at #20) and others
No-DQ "Monster’s Ball" match: Monty Brown
vs. Raven vs. Abyss (w/ Jim Mitchell?)
Last-team-standing match: AMW vs. XXX
Trinity vs. mystery opponent
Minis
match
Fans vote for DOA: Dusty Rhodes vs. Vince Russo
Roddy Piper to host a mystery guest "In The Pit"
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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