I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need,
I don't care about Abyss's past,
Or the second Jackass movie,
I just want Vince Russo gone,
The shows gone down since his reign begun,
Make this year for me,
All I want for Christmas is you to leave,
I can't imagine why they never recorded it. But before all the merriment is fully gone from the season we still have the drunken fantasticness of New Year's eve to come on the very day this recap goes to print. So I say Drink Responsibly (in other words do as I say not as I do tonight). Christ alive, imagine the TNA New Years party. Kurt Angle would turn up drunk as a skunk with a suitcase full of uppers downers and inbetweeners (the bisexuals drug of choice), Samoa Joe would take on all comers at a drinking contest and remain undefeated while Kevin Nash would pass out after his first shot of vodka. Before they all go out and get drunk though, they have a show to put on and I have to recap it.
The show starts off backstage with Kurt Angle yelling at Cornette for a rematch with Samoa Joe. Cornette says he can't make the rematch because Joe wants to go after the title and Jim hasn't figured out who the number 1 contender will be at Final Resolution. Cornette tells Kurt that he's up for many of the year end awards tonight (pfft, who needs them when you have The Fanny's) and he doesn't want him to disrupt the show. Angle gets all up in Cornette's face and says he WILL get his rematch with Samoa Joe. Yeah we all know you will, like they're going to leave it at 1-1.
CHRIS SABIN & JAMES STORM vs. PETEY WILLIAMS & CHRIS DANIELS
Sabin and Williams start us off, with Sabin dragging Petey's hands to the mat and stomping on them. They trade reversals until Petey jumps off the ropes and tosses Sabin across the ring. Dropkick from Williams and both men tag. James Storm traps The Fallen Angel in a head headlock but Daniels tosses him into the ropes only to get tacked twice. Hip toss from Daniels then a jump kick nocks Storm down. Sabin runs in only to get hip tossed then Daniels puts Storm in an arm lock. Storm makes the tag to Sabin who starts throwing punches at Daniels before landing a big kick to Daniels' head which gets a two count. Daniels gets a back breaker on Sabin then both Storm and Petey are tagged in and Petey hits Storm with a reverse back cracker. Petey hits a spinning kick to Sabin then bulldogs Storm onto his partner. Russian legsweep is landed and then the Canadian Destroyer is stopped by Sabin. Sabin goes for a chair but Jerry Lynn comes out to stop that. Daniels knocks Sabin out of the ring. Sabin and Lynn are arguing outside of the ring when Daniels hits them both with a suicide dive.
DANIELS RESOLUTION: "Learn something from the name of the Suicide Dive"
Petey goes for the Canadian Destroyer on Storm but gets nailed with a chair. Ref slides in in time to count a three.
WINNERS: CHRIS SABIN & JAMES STORM
Whilst Daniels, Lynn and Sabin continue to beat the holy hell out of each other we see Joe being escorted backstage by some broad.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Abyss and James Mitchell. Borash asked whose side Abyss is on and Mitchell directs the question to the monster himself. Mitchell wants to know if he's on the side of the man who took the title from him or the man who brought him the title but Abyss doesn't have an answer. Mitchell says that if Abyss does not beat Sting down the nightstick Mitchell will reveal the secret himself. Mitchell uses his knowledge of the secret to prevent Abyss from grabbing him and tells Abyss that he must prove he's on his side.
ABYSS NEW YEARS REVOLUTION: "Keep my fucking secrets to myself and don't put them on DVD's."
West and Tenay pimp the card and we go backstage to Latisha who's with Samoa Joe. Joe is asked about his injury, he says he has no injury and that Angle can crank on that leg all he wants but he won't be broken like Angle. Joe says Angle isn't getting his rematch
Joe mentions that he still hasn't had a title shot despite being undefeated for 18 months and says he's moving on and Angle needs to get over it.
Team 3D comes out and Brother Ray comments on the lack of competition in the TNA tag team division. The Naturals got beat so bad they're gone, VKM is too busy waging 'war' on WWE and so the only team left is LAX. Brother Runt comes out and wants to know exactly where his brothers were when LAX were attacking him. Ray says that Runt was told to stay out of trouble but instead he went and picked a fight with Abyss so Runt (somewhat sarcastically methinks) apologizes for being a wimp then spits drink in Rays face. Ray calls for a table but Devon wont get one so he has to get it himself. Devon is trying to help Brother Runt as Ray gets the table then LAX run out and attack Team 3D. Team 3D are just beginning to get the upper-hand as security break it up.
Brother Runt starts taking out security with a chair then Devon clotheslines Hernandez over the top rope. Homicide goes through the table.
Time for event number 4 in the Paparazzi Series: The Limbo Contest (Backlund Standards). Senshi jumps over the bar but Nash says leaping limbos are allowed under Backlund Standards. We settle the contest in a 'Backlund Bob-Off', two guys go at the same time and the first to drop loses. Lethal Beats Shelley and after this event the rankings are: Jay Lethal (14), Austin Starr (13), Alex Shelley (12), Senshi (11) and Sonjay Dutt with 10.
X-DIVISIONS NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Kill Kevin Nash"
KEVIN NASH'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Kill the X-Division"
JUSTIN CREDIBLE'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Kill myself"
Latisha is backstage with Christian Cage and Tomko asking about Abyss's secret. Christian says everyone will have to wait to know when Christian wants them to know. He says Mitchell verified that Abyss are in cahoots to keep Christian away from the title because Abyss knows he is not the face of TNA and Sting's best days are behind him (only by about 15 years). Christian says if Abyss and Sting make this a handicap match...he has the problem solved and he will get his match with Abyss at Final Resolution.
Ah superb, time do dust off my 'Eye Gouging' knives as it's time for a super hilarious VKM skit. They're outside a live event in Knoxville. They tell the crowd to watch iMPACT and makes fun of Triple H (big deal, TWF was doing that before it was cool). They talk to some fans about how the fat naked guy wasn't funny. Whereas these skits have been a fucking riot...
Traci Brooks is pushing Eric Young into the mens bathroom to talk him into the deal.
ROBERT ROODE vs. LANCE HOYT
Ron Killings is joining us on commentary for this match. Lockup to start with the referee breaking up a choke from Hoyt in the turnbuckle. Hoyt hits Roode with an elbow then attempts a choke slam but gets his knee capped. Roode works the leg and goes for a submission but Hoyt gets a chokeslam. Ms. Brooks runs down to the ring to distract Hoyt.
TRACI BROOKS' NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Stick with the manager clichés, they seem to be working"
Roode gets a big German suplex for 3.
WINNER: ROBERT ROODE
We go to the back where Eric Young looks slightly rattled and has lipstick marks all over his face. He says his new years resolution is to lose control and like it.
ERIC YOUNG'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: See above.
NIGHTSTICK ON A POLE MATCH
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. STING vs. ABYSS
The rules of this match is whoever uses the nightstick first wins. Tomko distracts Sting and Abyss while Christian goes straight for the nightstick. Abyss throws him off the turnbuckle and starts to double team Christian with Sting. Sting hits a Stinger Splash then Abyss hits a full body tackle. Sting attempts a Scorpion Death Lock as Abyss goes up for the nightstick. Sting stops Abyss and they stare at each other before attacking Christian again. Christian sends Abyss to the outside and Sting once again tries to lock in the Death Lock but gets poked in the eye. Body slam and a diving headbutt to Sting and Christian goes for the nightstick. Sting and Christian battle it out on the turnbuckle and Sting gets a superplex. Abyss goes to grab the nightstick but gets dragged to the outside by Tomko. Tomko also stops Sting from getting the nightstick after beating down Abyss. Christian hold sting as Tomko goes to grab the nightstick but Sting sends Christian into Tomko, who drop to the outside and the nightstick falls. Sting grabs it and beats down Christian with it.
Tomko and Christian start to beat down Sting but Abyss makes the save. Stare down between Stinger and The Beast (new Disney film?) Sting hands Abyss the nightstick then leaves. Mitchell is none too happy.
JAMES MITCHELL'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Stop placing my trust in heartless monsters"
Video package of Rhino and AJ Styles. Rhino just wanted to help Styles and the only reason he lost at Turning Point was because he led by his heart. This time though, he won't let this happen.
THE TNA YEAR-END AWARDS
TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR: Styles and Daniels
FEUD OF THE YEAR: Joe vs. Angle
MATCH OF THE YEAR: Ultimate X at No Surrender
KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR: Christy Hemme
MOST INSPIRATIONAL: Eric Young
MEMORABLE MOMENT: Kurt Angle comes to TNA
X-DIV STAR OF THE YEAR: Samoa Joe
FINISHER OF THE YEAR: Petey Williams' The Canadian Destroyer
WHO TO WATCH IN 2007: Kurt Angle
Mike Tenay and Jim Cornette are going to announce Mr. TNA 2006 after Cornette makes an announcement. The main event will be a three-way elimination match for the NWA Title between Sting, Abyys and Christian. Now time for the winner of Mr. TNA.
NOMINEES: AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Samoa Joe
WINNER: Samoa Joe.
After a video package of Joe over the year Joe says it's an honour to be Mr. TNA when Angle shows up with the woman who was with Joe earlier. Angle says he'll break her ankle if Joe doesn't give him a rematch. Joe calls him a gutless coward and says to get in the ring and settle it. Kurt refuses and reiterates his threat. Joe says Kurt would let her go if he has any balls but Kurt applies the Ankle Lock. Joe immediately screams for him to let go and gives him the rematch. Kurt says sorry and it wasn't personal. Actually, he says, it IS and breaks the woman's ankle! Joe charges at Angle but he escapes.
KURT ANGLE'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: "Kick drugs. Nah, I'm kidding, lose some weight"
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Ending segment was shocking and added new tension to the feud. Added some much needed credibility to the Ankle Lock after Don West's 'severe sprain'.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Roode/Hoyt was waay too short and could've been something good.
Right then, that's it from me for 2007. Might I remind you to check out our stunning Year End Awards before you go out and make a fool of yourself tonight. I will see you next week, wrestling fans.
FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. STING
I love that Serotonin came to TNA just after Kurt Angle cos it must amuse everyone backstage when he twitches every time the announcer says their name. The Flock attack Sting at the start of the match but the former NWA champion fights them off. Stinger Splash is attempted but Devine grabs his leg allowing Kazarian to hit a huge Yakuza Kick but he runs into Devine afterwards. Sting goes for the death drop but once again Devine intervenes. Sting dropkicks Kazarian into Bentley then hits a backdrop to Devine and a Death Drop to Kazarian for the 1..2..3.
Sting grabs the stick and tells Abyss he'll give him the belt back if and when he gets a rematch. Oh come on, yes Christmas is a time for looking back but not looking back and going 'that worked OK' and doing the same thing again.
Don West tell us on the commentary that Kurt Angles attack last week gave him a 'severe sprain'. Good heavens! It's like a downsized version of Benoit's ECW reputation! Forget the crippler for TNA has the 'Ankle Sprainer'.
Rhino is back and he's hyping our main event, Samoa Joe & AJ Styles vs. Rhino & Kurt Angle, and he wants Angle and Joe to stay out of his problems. Angle chimes in telling us he's getting his rematch with Joe.
Raven is caning the shit out of Kazarian for losing before Eric Young is in the back with Jeremy Borash and the lamp from A Christmas Story. Young says it's a gift for Santy Claus but Team 3D walk in. Brother Ray tells Eric to high tail it and he hilariously obliges. Brother Ray cuts one of his superb promos and he says they've been in Japan for a while (missed opportunity for a hee-larious montage) but they are back to get their revenge on the Naturals.
THE NATURALS w/SHANE DOUGLAS vs. TEAM 3D
Douglas and Stevens go for the ambush from the get go but Brother Ray hits them with a double clothesline. Both Naturals get bludgeoned in the corner then Team 3D hit that reverse 3D thing they do. Stevens gets hit with the wazzup headbutt and then Devon gets the tables and Stevens eats a 3D right through one of them. Douglas gets a second rope powerbomb through the other one to end this match.
WINNERS: TEAM 3D
After the match Shane Douglas officially ditches The Naturals. When are they going to tell us what the issue between Brother Ray and Shane that started this feud was. Continuity? What fucking continuity.
Jeremy Borash is talking to Tysvis Tomko backstage and it seems Tomko has a DVD that has something to do with Abyss' secret.
The Clowns of the X-Division, I'm talking Ron Killings, Sonjay Dutt, Lance Hoyt, Jay Lethal and Petey Williams, are in the ring. Killings treats us to a Christmas rap (in the same New York was treated to 9/11) as gifts are handed out to the crowd. Have yourself a TNA little Christmas, and therefore a bitterly disappointed New Year.
The Paparazzi Championship Series continues and this week we have a Pogo Competition. Big Kev calls Jay Lethal 'Blackjack Mulligan' and Alex Shelley says it would be inspirational if he won despite his Chlamydia. This was far too short.
Brother Runt is in the ring and he is throwing DVD's out to the crowd until LAX decided to interfere. Konnan cuts a promo telling Jim Cornette that his 'plan' didn't work. LAX it seems are against Christmas, Konnan is unhappy that his family was starving while white bastards like me were going on vacation and Homicide didn't get roller skates. Don West deems Konnan telling Santa to go to hell 'sacrilegious'. I must have missed that part of the Bible. Spike tries to talk back but he's border tossed but then Eric Young and our Christmas Troubadours from earlier run in and see off Los Scrooges and then Jingle Bells is pumped out as they celebrate.
Ah superb, we're back with the VKM. Now where did I put my cyanide... It seems they've been at a WWE house show. Basically all they do is threaten to shave HHH's sideburns and tell us we'll see more next week. Cheers for that, boys.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with AJ Styles who says he does not trust Samoa Joe. Naturally he's saying this directly outside of Joe's locker room and is promptly chased away by the submission machine who then talks about Angles rematch desire. Everybody wants a fucking rematch in this company.
Shane Douglas cuts a promo about the evils of smoking. I see. Moving on.
A video package covering the rise and fall of America's Most Wanted before a Mike Tenay sit-down interview with James Storm. Storm refuses to apologise for what he did to Chris Harris but claims that this is not the end of AMW. I can't see this angle working out well unless he brings out a real member of the FBI's most wanted list to replace Harris. My moneys on Charlie Manson.
Sting and Abyss hit the ring for a bit of the usual 'GOD IS GD LOLZ' nonsense. They are about to shake hands but Christian appears on the video wall. Apparently he's going to role footage from Tomko's DVD. Christian is standing outside a prison, a sight he claims will not be unfamiliar to Abyss. Christian said the secret will be revealed if he doesn't grant him a title shot. Sting once again offers his hand to Abyss but Abyss once again goozles him. Brawl. Security. Christian comes out and takes out Sting with a nightstick. Christian continues to beat upon him but, despite the protests of James Mitchell, Abyss hits the ring and saves Sting. A heartwarming Christmas tale indeed.
RHINO & KURT ANGLE vs. SAMOA JOE vs. AJ STYLES
Just like every other match of the evening this one starts out with a massive brawl. After commercials Rhino hits a spinebuster on Styles and tags in Angle. Joe runs in the ring only to get hit with a german suplex then Styles gets one as well. And, now the dreaded ankle lock. So help me God, you will be sprained to high heaven. Joe breaks it up with an enzuguiri and the brawl starts up again. Rhino hits a belly to belly on Joe but eats a boot when he goes for the gore. Joe locks in the choke but gets hit with an Angle Slam only to block it. Joe attempts an enzuguiri but Angle blocks and applies the ankle lock to which we fade out.
WINNER: Fuck all. Not me, that's for sure.
Not atrocious as some of Russo's shows but not as good as last weeks. To be honest all the storylines seem to be getting very messy and tangled with no end in sight. Heeeeerrrress Vincey!
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Sting/Christian/Abyss powers on
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Christmas rap. Just...no.
This weeks edition of Impact opens with a recap of Turning Point, where they edited Abyss victory so it didn't look like quite such a fuck up and show the entire finish of Joe vs. Angle. So we see the two most important moments of the PPV, in full and in the case of the former improved for free. I'm sure those chumps that actually bought the show feel like they got their moneys worth.
Robert Roode is on the mic as we enter the Impact Zone and he has something to get off his chest. He calls out Eric Young but instead get Kurt Angle, a bit like calling out a Koi carp and getting eaten by a killer whale. Kurt indicates for Bobby to go and he high tales it without a second thought but goshdarn it seems he left his heel credibility in tatters in the ring. Kurt tells us all that he can't stand the fact Samoa Joe beat him, he looks close to tears (someone couldn't get a fix this morning) and demands a rematch. Joe appears on the video wall and says no dice cos he's gunning for the NWA championship. Angle is not happy and gets all up in Don West's because Don pointed out that before the PPV Angle said he didn't want a rematch under any circumstances. Angle locks in an Ankle Lock on West (~!) and Mike Tenay makes it sound like this is worse than the holocaust as some officials break it up.
ABYSS w/JAMES MITCHELL vs. RON KILLINGS
Killings avoids an avalanche then hits an enziguiri and clotheslines Abyss out of the ring to start us off. Sting is looking on from the rafters as Killings hits a flipping plancha as we go to commercials. We return with a replay of Don West being attacked while Abyss throws The Truth into the steel stairs. We return from our replay with both men in the ring and Killings is being choked out on the ropes. Shock Treatment is countered with a flying forearm but the axe kick is turned into a goozle. Killings however avoids it and hits a big old headbutt into the unholy balls of Abyss. Down goes the champion but Killings starts chasing James Mitchell for no apparent reason. He chases him into the ring and Abyss hits a Black Hole Slam for the three. No idea why K-Kwik started chasing Mitchell but there we go.
Seeing how monumentally stupid that ending was I think I'll keep the tone with
D.A.M's CYBERCAMPING TRIP PART 3
I've been freezing my cyberballs out here for three days and it's time I went right up to PWO's server and decided to confront Da Meltz mano et mano. Needless to say though he didn't come down there and cybertalk to me face to face. Oh no, that coward sent his cybergoons down to do his work for me. Bastards cyberescorted me from the building. Fear not though for I have a back up plan... [TO BE CONTINUED]
Jim Cornette is joining Mike Tenay on commentary which can only be a good thing and some blonde is interviewing Christian and Tomko backstage. Cage gives Abyss until the end of the night to respond for a challenge for a rematch for the NWA Title. We then hear Traci Brooks screaming at Eric Young off camera so blonde #1928374 goes to investigate then Angle runs in and asks Young if he knows where Samoa Joe is. Eric doesn't answer so Kurt gives him a hell of an uppercut and CLUSTERFUCK OF A SEGMENT and it's over. *deep breath*.
The time has come for stage two of the Paparazzi Championship serious and they are conducting a Bob Backlund Rules pushup competition. The rules being that after you're an initial push you fall hard on the ground for the rest of your life. Well no but it'd make sense. Nash satires the ridiculously complicated stipulations the company has a tendency for by making a big deal of the rules basically being everyone gets a point per pushup. Very funny skit with the running gag about Sonjay Dutts steroid abuse being the highlight.
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS vs. PETEY WILLIAMS
The two men chain wrestle to start until Petey sends Daniels to the outside with a rana. Petey then hits what can only be described as a slingshot headlock and wins the ultimate award in Pointless Spots. Some spinning kicks from Williams but an STO sways the advantage towards the champion. A high knee from the Fallen Angel then some blows to the back then a powerslam. Daniels attempts a moonsault but Williams gets the knee up then a slingshot lungblower. Christ Sabin runs in but Jerry Lynn chases him off. Daniels, however, only sees JL in the ring when he turns around. Because of this Lynn eats an enuziguiri courtesy of the champion then Williams sneaks up on Daniels and gets a bridging pin combo for the win.
WINNER: PETEY WILLIAMS
Something's been missing from this show...something....unhumorous..ah here it is, a Voodoo Kin Mafia video package. The challenge from Turning Point is said again and I..I don't care. I just don't care. On that note I DEMAND that Meltzer cease and desist PWO's popularity and lead into
D.A.M.'S CYBERCAMPING TRIP PART 4
So it seems that Dave Meltzer is not going to acknowledge me. Pussy. But you all saw how I totally humiliated him and taught him a lesson for his constant holding me back by being a better journalist than me. Right? Right? Ah fuck you. [THE END]
Angle comes out and he's dragging Valifornia with him. He stands on her hair and threatens to snap her ankle but we're all thinking about her exposed underwear. Angle demands a rematch and Jim Cornette steps up to address Angle who has clearly now received his fix. Jim tells us that he cannot force Joe into a singles rematch due to Joe's contract but he can put them in a tag team match against each other next week. Cornette says this will be an opportunity for Kurt to convince Joe into accepting his challenge. Nice segment from these two, with Cornette playing his part exceptionally well.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with America's Most Wanted. Chris Harris is mucho ashamed they lost to the 'Mexicans' at Turning Point but assures us that he and Storm have worked out their differences and will be victorious in the main event.
AMERICAS MOST WANTED w/GAIL KIM vs. LAX w/KONNAN
Seeing as it is mandatory that every match must have at least two stipulations under Vince Russo AMW must split up if they lose and Konnan will be imprisoned in a cage. The match starts off with all four men brawling and we go to commercial. We come back with Hernandez hitting Harris with a clothesline then tagging in Homicide. LAX go for the Doomsday Device but Harris throws Homicide into Hernandez. Storm gets the tag and cleans house on everybody but the referee didn't see the tag and forces him out of the ring. Storm gets fired up and runs off LAX with his beer bottle but then ZOMG TURNS ON HARRIS AND SMASHES THE BOTTLE ON HIS HEAD. Homicide gets the pin and that ladies and gentlemen is the end of America's Most Wanted. I'll be dammed.
Christian Cage is out now and he threatens to tell every man and his uncle Abyss' dark secret past. The champ runs in and brawls with Tomko, who is quickly dispatched of but this allows Christian time to sneak up on the monster from behind. Despite Tomko's efforts Cage is destroyed until eventually his problem is solved by being pulled out of the ring. Abyss is unsatisfied and starts beating down referees until Cornette comes in the ring. Abyss goozles Cornette but then the lights go out and Sting appears and Abyss decides to choke Mitchell instead. In all the confusion Sting walks out with the title belt. How very Christian.
It seems good things are finally happening with Russo, with some very good storylines starting to develop if a little too quickly. Easily the best show since Russo took over and for once I'm left feeling fairly optimistic. Hardly any VKM either.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The Paparazzi segment was absolutely superb.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: AMW breaking up needed to be saved for the next PPV.
You see me and Dave, we go back far. Remember me Dave? Remember how, after you first re-located to San Jose we used to be buddies. Remember the wrestling newsletter we started, Observer Of Professional Wrestling. You didn't have a clue how to be a wrestling journalist until I SHOWED YOU THE WAY, and then once you had everything you needed you shoved me out of the picture and took something we worked hard on TOGETHER and made himself famous for it. And then he brutally raped me and did things to my pets. Well, Dave, I crawled my way back up to the top and you and me are going to have a throwdown. I await your response, Meltzer.
Anyway, on to the DAM Impact Report.
After a recap of last weeks debauchery, Rhino comes down to start us off. It seems AJ Styles has made him angry! There's a few plant pots I can mention who will testify that you do not piss off the War Machine. Rhino calls out AJ but instead gets Chris Daniels who tries to smooth it over. While Daniels is attempting this AJ jumps the man beast from behind and security has to pull them apart. That always makes me laugh, 'Oh noes! Fighting at a wrestling show! We must stop this'.
Eric Young is running stairs to lose weight for his bikini contest. LOLZ HOW WACKY A-ah I can't even be sarcastic about this shit.
HOMICIDE vs. PETEY WILLIAMS
Williams gets a rana then a spinning heel kick to start us off. He doesn't gain the advantage though as Homicide gives him a flatliner into the turnbuckle followed by a powerbomb then a bridging t-bone and a t-bone, both of which receive just a two-count. 3/4 neckbreaker gets Homicide another close call but Petey hits a slingshot lungblower and a Russian legsweep to even things out. Petey goes for the destroyer but it's reversed into Cop Killer which is also reversed into a sunset flip which gets the three count.
WINNER: PETEY WILLIAMS
LAX attempt to run in afterwards but are stopped by AMW and Gail Kim.
Billy Gunn is in a fake newsroom cracking stupid jokes and this is boring. I mean reeeaaall boring so I've decided to fill you in on a little something I did earlier this week. I went and cyber-camped outside the server where Wrestling Observer is hosted.
DAM's CYBERCAMPING TRIP PART 1
I just arrived in the cyber woods, just around the corner from where the server is currently hosting the official website for Wrestling Observer Newsletter. I can picture Dave now, living it up in his fascist palace with those bastards Alvarez and Marvez. Well unluckily for them I have a cyber traffic cone and they make for handy cyber megaphones and I am gonna SHOUT THEM DOWN. [TO BE CONTINUED]
Sting, Christian and Father James Mitchell cut pre-taped promos. We are told that Christians Problem Solver has a past with Abyss (ex-lovers? gotta be), Abyss has demons and Sting wants to help him. More footage of Eric Young working out.
Nash, Shelley and Starr are conducting psychological tests on the X Division. Nash is showing them ink blots, and one reminds Shelley of when Nash broke his heart, whilst Big Sexy **shudders** tells Lethal he has a home on Fire Island. So, Kevin Nash is gay and nobody is surprised. Funniest moment of the skit is Low Ki saying every blot resembles a 'warrior'. Punchline is Nash asking how many of them resemble Jim Hellwig.
Eric Young says some unfunny scripted crap while his eyes scream 'PLEASE LET ME SAY SOMETHING HUMOROUS'. Apparently he believes he needs to look like a woman so he can defeat Traci Brooks.
ERIC YOUNG vs. LOW KI
Worth mentioning is the referee being taller than both competitors. Tee hee. Young starts doing push ups at the top of the ramp, so Low Ki kicks the shit out of him and brings him back in the ring. Ki continues to lay into Eric on the inside, ending a brief attempt at a comeback with a hard kick to the back of the head. Young avoids a Tidal Crush then hits a discus forearm. Traci Brooks comes out to distract him and me by flashing, this gives Ki an opening for a dropkcick followed by a top rope double stomp. Not sure about that match, felt like one was wrestling for storyline and the other one for just a great match.
WINNER: LOW KI
LAX Challenge AMW to a flag match at Turning Point then Christy Hemme hypes up a VKM Segment, in other hyping up me going to get a sandwich.
BG is in a screening of the Marine, because apparently Cena is a target too now. Why don't they just call themselves IWC? Actually that's not fair, the IWC can be funny (see case of Wrestling Fan, The and Crap, Wrestle amongst others). Can't be bothered with this skit any more so it's time for...
DAM's CYBERCAMPING TRIP PART 2
Alrighty, I've been out here three cyber days and it's getting really cyber cold. Despite my constant shouting and cracking HILARIOUS jokes about how they're totally fags lolz they still haven't had the balls to show their big ugly cyber faces. I think the time has come for me to get cyber practical and take the fight to their front door! Cyber front door, that is. [TO BE CONTINUED]
Jim Cornette is in the ring and he signs the aforementioned Flag Match. He's then interrupted by Christian Cage and Travis/Tyson Tomko. Christian accuses Cornette of obstructing LAX's first amendment rights. As a Canadian he clearly has a deep knowledge of the American constitution. Christian claims that Cornette has been ignorant towards TNA hiring policies. Apparently, Cornette did 'background checks' on Cage and Tomko, but did he do one for Abyss? BLATANT FUCK UP MOMENT because Abyss was in the company for years before Jim Cornette. More proof if it was needed that Vince Russo never watches TNA unless he's involved with the company. Christian implies that Abyss has done something horrible in his past, I swear he almost calls him 'Kane' by accident. Easy fucking mistake to make these days. Before it is revealed what Abyss did he is interrupted by...Abyss! The two bad guys start to beat down Abyss but Sting makes the save. Sting again wants a handshake but he gets a Black Hole Slam instead. I did the exact same thing for the guy that saved my family from a house fire. I SPECIFICALLY told him to bring the PS2 and not my brother. Idiot.
Jeremy Borash recaps the PPV card so far:
CHRIS DANIELS vs. CHRISS SABIN with JERRY LYNN present at the PPV
The beginning of Kevin Nash's "Paparazzi Championship Series"
An appearance of the Voodoo Kin Mafia (I'll just switch my sarcasm drive to 11)
Sting vs. Abyss vs. Christian
Fantastic video package consisting of dueling interviews by kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. Their last match was discussed as was the upcoming one. Kurt says no man has ever made him bleed like that before, and Joe attempts to come to terms with not being the top dog that everyone is gunning for. Angle says Joe nearly paralyzed him last time and, no matter what, this will be his last match with Samoa Joe. I reckon he's not even telling the truth.
CHRISTIAN vs. RHINO vs. SAMOA JOE vs. KURT ANGLE vs. STING vs. ABYSS
Halfway through the introductions AJ Styles jumps Rhino and they brawl as we head to commercial. We return and they pick up where they left off with the entrances, no idea why they didn't just do them in the break. Rhino has gone to the locker room so it's become a five way match. Angle and Christian start off and Kurt dominates with an overhead belly to belly and then a chinlock. A rest hold? Really, Kurt, you can do better than that. We cut to commercials and return with Angle still locking in the chin lock. Christian tags Abyss in and he hits a Shock Treatment on the gold medalist for a two count with Joe breaking up the pinfall and hitting a powerslam on Abyss before eating an inverted DDT from Christian. Sting gets a DDT of his own on Christian then goes over the top rope with Abyss and they brawl on the floor. Christian goes up top but gets cut off by an enzuguri from the Samoan Submission Machine, Tomko runs in behind the referee's back and breaks up the move. Angle's back and he tosses Christian out of the ring. He helps Joe up but then turns on him with an Angle slam for the three count.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Not an entirely bad show, with little time being given to VKM's antics. The matches however were too short and the main event was hideously under promoted.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Spotfest finishing the main event was nice
SHOW LOLWIGHT: The lack of time given to the main event.
Join me next week when I will continue my one way war with Meltzer and his fascist armies and maybe get round to recapping Impact as well. My name is DAM, good night wrestling fans.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).