So, Dave Meltzer and the Pro Wrestling Observer in general, I am calling you out! That's right, you may write the most reliable wrestling newsletter out there whereas I write a TNA report full of tasteless joke but nevertheless, Dave, me and you are gonna have a throwdown. I am sick of you HOLDING ME BACK by being a better journalist than me! To accept this all you have to do is acknowledge me and this recap on the front page of next weeks Observer.
Seeing as Meltzer is probably too chicken to give this recap publicity, we'll get on with the show. .....chicken.
The show begins with some blonde lady interviewing LAX. Konnan is pissed off at America, again (hey here's an idea, move). He claims that TNA is infringing on his First Amendment rights, which seeing as he has disowned America he doesn't have.
Christian and Tomko are the first men out and they're wearing matching hats. How cute. Christian informs us that TNA has put him in a three way main event against Abyss and Sting at the next PPV. He promises to eliminate both his opponents before the PPV so he's the only man left. That's the kind of diabolical plan it's probably best to keep to yourself, works a lot better that way. He implies that there's some kind of past relationship between Abyss and his problem solver. Maybe Abyss graduated at the school of Wrestling Big Dudes, leaving Tyson the sole failure of the class (Chris Masters cheated). Abyss comes out and Christian refers to Jim Mitchell as 'Albano'. There's a STARE DOWN sand then Sting appears in the rafters but nay, that's not Sting, it's merely a dummy. The real deal Sting attempts to attack the heels from behind (how fitting for a face) but they escape.
The Voodo Kin Mafia are in the woods, which are apparently in front of Titan Towers, demainding that Vince signs a cease and desist. Cease and desist to do what, exactly? Commercial break.
We return and they show us what happened during the advertisements. It seems LAX got James Storm to lie down under a ladder and bite a condom full of blood. I imagine the blood condom was supplied by Edge after a passionate night with Lita. Get it??? Cos she's got diseases! That joke isn't old at all.
CHRIS SABIN vs. SONJAY DUTT vs. JAY LETHAL
Chris Daniels is on the commentary as the winner gets a shot at the X Division title. Chris Harris interrupts and vows revenge for his partner. The bell rings and Sabin is quickly double teamed by Dutt and Lethal, are these guys still supposed to be friends or is that over now? The double team continues until Sabin is thrown from the ring and Jay hits a cartwheel dropkick on Dutt. Sabin attempts to springboard back into the ring but Lethal cuts him off. Sonjay gets the advantage with a tornado DDT on Lethal but his attempt at a springboard is cut off with a dragon suplex. Sabin appears and tosses Lethal out of the ring before stealing the pin and wining himself a number one contenders spot.
WINNER: CHRIS SABIN
Chris Harris gets beaten up by LAX and tied to some stairs. Great revenge there, Harris, really superb.
I feel nostalgia for the days of blood filled condoms cos the Voodoo Kin Mafia are back on screen. They're using a traffic cone to shout unfunny lines at Titan Towers. Oh dear me, boys, it was only funny when DX did it cos Billy Gunn didn't say anything. Back in the Impact Zone, Traci Brooks is asking the fans if they've seen Eric Young. Seems kind of silly when you could just ask someone who actually worked there but whatever. Then Borash is plugging TNA merch.
They show a sit down interview Tenay conducted with AJ Styles before the show. Tenay wants to know why AJ Styles hates Rhino. Wait, hold up, AJ Styles hates Rhino?! AJ starts yelling about how he was poor when he grew up, for this is a logical reason to hate Rhino. Rhino then walks into the interview and says that he too was poor growing up and he wants AJ to make the same mistakes as him. Wait..what the fuck? If that was an attempt to start a rivalry it failed more miserably than my attempt to try heroin and not get hooked.
Kevin Nash gives the X Division their drug test results, he tells them that none of them have any steroids in their system (lol) but Alex Shelley has the clap.
ALEX SHELLEY & AUSTIN STAR vs. RON KILLINGS & LANCE HOYT
Hoyt prevents Shelley and Starr from jumping his partner at the beginning and a brawl ensues with Killings hitting an inverted powerbomb on Shelley. Starr is hit with a big boot from Hoyt that sends him to the outside then both heels are taking out with a pescado from Ron Killings. Eric Young arrives and the fans tell him to go find Traci Brooks. Back to the ring, Hoyt misses a big boot on Starr who goes up top to finish him off but Shelley gets a blind tag, which starts off an argument. Despite this, Shelley rolls up Hoyrt and pins him whilst grabbing the tights. Things get stupid as Starr grabs Shelley's camcorder and uses it to prove his partner cheated. The referee reverses the decision.
WINNER: RON KILLINGS & LANCE HOYT
Post match, Traci Brooks is with Eric Young saying she'll be fired unless he accepts her challenge to face him in a bikini contest. Eric, like a dunce, falls for it. Then we get a quite nice video hyping a new team coming to TNA, who promise to bring suffering to the company. I think Russo may have beat you to that one, boys.
Speaking of suffering, the Voodoo Kin Mafia are still in Connecticut, and the on-screen clock tells us it's 1:30am. They sleep side by side under a Spongebob Squarepants blanket and mock DX's segment with a fat male stripper. TNA you are in no position to start talking about other peoples bad television when you are in desperate need of sorting out your own.
Back in the Impact Zone, Sting is here to talk to Abyss who comes out without James Mitchell. Sting says over the past four years he's watched Abyss claw his way up from the bottom to with the NWA World Championship. Sting asks why Abyss allows Father Mitchell to lead him around and says that Jesus Christ will be able to save him from his torment. Sting then shatters kayfabe by referring to the mysterious monster as 'Chris'. Now, call me old fashioned but when I have a dark monster character who's true identity and history is shrouded in mystery, I don't want him to be referred to as 'Chris'. The Sinister Minister interrupts via video link at this point and claims once again that Sting and Abyss are one and the same. Sting leaves the ring so Abyss can think about what's gone down, but Chris is attacked by Christian and Tomko. Sting makes the save and offers Chris a handshake but he leaves with Mitchell instead.
Petey Williams is attacked backstage by LAX. Not sure why.
NWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
LAX vs. KURT ANGLE
We're told that Petey Williams was supposed to be Angle's partner tonight, although this was never mentioned once during the show. Way to hype the main event there, TNA. Hernandez starts off for LAX and Angle applies the headlock, before being hit with a clothesline. Angle hits a huge belly-to-belly which sets up a tag to Homicide. Angle goes for the Angle Slam but Hernandez clips the gold medalist's knee. Homicide works the leg for a bit and then out comes Samoa Joe, who stands in Angles corner as per their agreement last week. Hernandez locks in a chinlock and Kurt powers out and lands a back suplex on the non-Mexican. Double KO spot which is a bit stupid this early on in the match. Joe gets tagged in (he's apparently in the match now) and he destroys LAX. He almost drops Homicide on the powerslam but rescues it. Notorious 187 attempts a diamond cutter on Joe but the Submission Machine blocks it and locks on a choke. Angle gets the ankle lock on Hernandez and both members of LAX tap out. Before Angle and Joe can celebrate though, Jim Cornette comes out and rules that the match is a no contest because Joe was not an official participant. Well, wasn't that just unexpected.
SHOW THOUGHTS: This was one of the weakest Impacts I've recapped. The matches were far too short, the VKM skits were atrocious and the main event had an incredibly poor finish. However, the Sting and Abyss angle is being very well built.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The opening segment was brilliant, everything was done to the point with no pointless rambling and built tension well for the PPV.
If you feel like seeing some content that doesn't suck like this show check out all the other class content here at The Wrestling Fan. Until next time, goodnight.
The show opens with a recap of Genesis before the new NWA World Champion Abyss makes his way to the ring accompanied by James Mitchell. The Evil Vicar (God that gimmick sounds so much worse than it is) says Sting is no different than he or Abyss as Sting resorted to vile tactics in their title match, before welcoming Sting to the Highway To Hell (don't you sing it!). Lights go down and OMG STING IS HERE LOLZ but stop right there, Jonny Markout because it is fact Christian Cage in a mask. He chases the champion and his manager out of the ring and then says perhaps he'll have to dress like a crown and embarrass himself to get his title shot. OH NO HE DI'NT! He implies that Sting may not make it to his rematch at the next awfully named TNA PPV, Turning Point which draws Sting out. Sting challenges Christian to a match tonight, in this very ring, then chases him away. Christian excepts the match, but Sting has to put his number one contendership on the line. Sting naturally refuses as he realises that would be playing right into Cages hands and a stupid risk. I kid, he accepted like a moron.
THE NATURALS vs. AJ STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
We see Kurt Angle arriving in the ImpactZone then a video hyping Serotonin, a newcomer in TNA. That's ridiculous, how can they let a mind altering drug wrestle [/canadian bacon]. The match has already began and the Naturals have the early advantage. According to Don West this is AJ and Chris's last match together so it would make sense to put The Naturals over. Do this one for me, Vince, they're not even Japanese or anything! Styles leads a comeback for the former tag champs before being taken down again by The Naturals. Once again though Styles and Daniels fight back and Styles hits a frog spash on Andy Douglas before Daniels gets the BME and a one two three.
WINNERS: AJ STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
West and Tenay are discussing the aftermath of the PPV when Eric Young appears in a turkey outfit. I'd make a joke about that but, quite frankly, it's a mockery unto itself. Yeah ok, it's cos I'm too lazy.
We see a video vignette of the Voodoo Kin Mafia trying to get publicity from bashing some of the biggest names in wrestling and, sadly, succeeding.
Now we see Jim Cornette in the Impact Zone, ducking plates being thrown by Vince Russo. He demands that LAX return the NWA Tag Team Titles, but first brings out Petey Williams. Cornette puts over Petey for becoming American, and Williams says this country gave him and opportunity so he took it upon himself to stop LAX burning the flag. Yes, America gave him an opportunity thank god he escaped the poverty and lack of opportunities of, uh...Canada? Williams and Cornette raise the flag and play Star Spangled Banner but LAX interrupts. Cornette DEMANDS they return the Tag titles but Konnan instead gives them papers to sue them for violating their civil rights. Cornette should appreciate that, surely as a southerner he is forever preaching the right to be racist. Think thats a bit below the belt coming from someone who's not even American? Oh wait, I can't be offending any southerners because they can't read. Never mind. Petey attacks and is getting ganged up on until AMW make the save. They all duke it out until Angle comes out and takes out those damm foreigners. The American hero standing up for the four I's. Integrity, Intelligence, Intensity and Incessant drug abuse. Samoa Joe then comes out and everyone high tails it except Kurt. Commercial break.
We're back to Samoa Joe on the mic. He says he was undefeated for 18 months but he knew it would have to come to an end. Joe says he has nothing to be ashamed of for losing to a man of Angles caliber but he still wants a rematch. Angle accepts but on one condition, that they have to watch each others backs before the rematch. Terms agreed, we have another match to look forward to.
Another VKM video package and they are conducting Operation Cease and Desist against a Target store? BG says they were supposed to act against THE target, not Target. D'oh. Well wasn't that just hilarious.
In case you couldn't tell I was being sarcastic. Lolz.
Bobby Roode and Traci Brooks are in the ring. Roode calls out Eric Young for losing at Genesis and demands a rematch. Young wonders wether to accept or not as we go to a commercial break.
BOBBY ROODE w/TRACI BROOKS vs. ERIC YOUNG
Roode attacks Young as he makes his way to the ring. Roode is extremely pissed that Young made his solo careers beginning so appaling and starts off dominating but Young proves he is a lot more than just a comedy act by coming back well. Roode goes for a piledriver but Young reverses it and rolls Roode up for three. This match was too short.
WINNER: ERIC YOUNG
After the match Roode verbally assaults Miss Brooks, saying he didn't hire her for her body. If he wanted someone with a nice body he would've chosen Bobby Heenan, naturally.
Paparazzi Productions video now of Kevin Nash calling a meeting of the entire X-Division. Nash is looking to find the best X Div wrestler ever, but he accuses them of abusing steroids so they all leave. Short and pointless. JUST LIKE REY MYSTERIO! OH NO I DIDN'T!
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. STING
Jim Cornette comes out to watch the match. Cage walks to the ring and is stalked by Sting who jumps him on the way to the ring. Sting is fucked off that he lost the opportunity and it shows as he wrestles a very aggresive style. It's all gone a bit standard as they brawl in the crowd and Cage gains momentum with a neck snap and a dropkick only for Sting to come back with a backdrop then a press slam. Stinger Splash connects but a second attempt ends up hitting the referee instead. Scorpion Death Lock attempted but its countered into the unprettier but its countered into a Scorpion Death Drop. The death lock is applied but there's no ref to see Cage tap out. Tomko, looking a bit like a wellness programme victim runs in and hits Sting with a fallaway slam. That'll be a no contest then/
The two hour format definitely suits TNA better but it was by no means a perfect show. While Joe and Angle seem to have an interesting new angle, the main event was the height of formulaic with a shitty ending.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Angle/Joe standoff
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Main event ending.
The show opens with a shiny new opening and Eric Young leads people into the building. He leads his followers around the ring while the pyro guys have an absolute field day and the card is thoroughly hyped.
Eric Young starts to tell us about what a great night it is but is interrupted by LAX. Konnan tells us that they are militant thugs 24/7. Oh K-Dawg, where did you go wrong. Tonight he will burn the sacred American flag and no gringos will stop them. Not the flag, Jesus Christ not the flag! TNA is here following one of the oldest rules in the history of this business: Hit them where it hurts, patriotism.
AMW are heal to deal with these trouble makers the American way: beating the shit out of them. Of course normally they send them to Guantanamo Bay first. Gail Kims back and she gets a top rope ana to Homicide, Hernandez tries to border toss her but Storm saves her and takes out Hernandez.
Another great video package for the Joe/Angle feud which has to be one of the best built feuds of this year.
JAY LETHAL vs. SAMOA JOE
Joe beats down Lethal from the get go, with a leg lariat, chops a snap mare and a knee drop. Nice fast pace to start. Missile dropkicks by Joe followed by a hip toss and a cartwheel for a meager one count. Jabs and rights by Joe who then gets a Muscle Buster and locks in a Kokina clutch which has Lethal tapping like a little girl.
WINNER: SAMOA JOE
Joe refuses to break the hold so Sonjay Dutt runs in and hits a standing shooting star press to break it up then gets a snap powerslam and choke for his efforts. Lynn and Sabin observe and Sabin refuses to help Dutt get out of the choke. As Lynn checks on Dutt Joe gets on the mic and says he want's Kurt Angle blood. Careful, Joe, that's stuff got enough drugs in it to kill a fully grown horse/
Christy Hemme is outside with LAX. Konnan says he will burn the flag and promises Christy a scoop. Petey Williams is here to join in the anti-American, Konnan tells Christy to get a car and follow them.
Paparazzi productions is back. Starr is angry at Alex Shelley for costing him the match last week. Nash sneaks up on them and decides to have a wrestling court in the bathroom, which is where they are at by the way. Nash says someone will be found guilty by the end of the day. THE TENSION!
Borash is backstage with Team 3D. Ray says there comes a time when they have to look back and say that is the night they made their mark and last week was The Naturals night. They are somebody and men because they tried to takeout Team 3D. Tonight the last thing they see will be them adn the last thing they here will be 'Devon, get the tables'. Absolutely class promo.
THE NATURALS w/ Shane Douglas vs. TEAM 3D
Brawl at the start with Team 3D clearing the ring. They go outside and Devon throws Stevens into the crowd, Ray and Douglas also venture into the audience. Devon and Stevens are back ringside and he chokes him out. Back to the ring where Ray slams Douglas and Devon gets the WAZZZZUP headbutt. Ray asks Devon to fetch him some furniture and Ray slides one in. A 3D is called for and Shane takes one on the chin for his team. Steven and Douglas come in and beat down the former Dudleys and get a 3D on Brother Ray. They pose and mock the team and then do the same to Devon.
WINNERS: THE NATURALS
A promo video for Abyss is played after the commercial break which is very nice indeed followed by Tenay and West pimping the rest of the card a treat. Eric Young is out and he gets on the mic. He said he's checked the building and the snipers are gone.
Kazarian and Bentley with Johnny Devine make their way down to the ring, each with a shiny new look. This is new movemeint in TNA, their great redemeer has opened their eyes and they've realised it's not about winning or losing about sacrifice. The new movement in TNA has begun. The lights drop.
The James Gang, I beg your pardon, the Voodoo Kin Mafia enter the ring and don't they look sharp in their new outfits. They deliver a very good promo which basically declares war on Degeneration X and Vince McMahon. What a rip, TWF has been at war with DX and McMahon since before it was cool. They promise to bring war to their front door. Should be interesting at least.
Another video package is shown, this time for the Six Sides Of Steel. We're back in wrestlers court (the bathroom) where Nash calls a brief recess because he's off to his chambers. Teeheehee.
Borash is here hyping the cage match, Rhino is with him and says Christian things he's funny but tonight is all about the man best and Cage will feel new pain. Apparently Rhino's going to cut him in half with a gore while he's gasping for air and bleeding. Charming.
ESCAPE RULES SIX SIDES OF STEEL CAGE MATCH
RHINO vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE
We're going Roman style here as a savage animal and a Christian are locked in a cage and are forced to duel it out. Right hands are exchanged to start and then Rhino gets a shoulder block and a backdrop to Captain Charisma. Rhino attempts to slam Christian into the steel but it's countered and chops then punches are exchanged. A reverse DDT from Cage after countering a press slam, Cage asks for the chais and Rhino stops it then gets some right hands followed by a corner gore. Cage tries to climb but is pulled down by the Detroit native. Cage eats steel again and again then asks for the key. He teases Christian with it then tosses it out of the ring as we go to a commercial break.
We're back and Christian is busted upon as he knocks Rhino off the ropes. Massive frog splash from Christian. We're seen footage of Christian cutting some of the wire with his bolt cutters during the break. Christian and Rhino both climb and Rhino rakes his opponents face off the wire and Cage bleeds buckets. Superplex fom Rhino and Cage flips over and lands on his face. NICE. Rhino gets the straightjacket and tries to place it on Cage but Cage takes him down. Once again they battle whilst climbing and Cage pokes Rhino in the eye and hits a TOP ROPE UNPRETTIER. That was mighty fine. Cage places Rhino in the straight jacket and times him to the ropes. Cage grabs the chairs but Rhino gets the low blow. He escapes the ropes and hits a fuck off huge spinebuster. He takes the jacket off and the crowd love this match so much. He goes for the one man conchairto but Cage moves and Rhino gets nailed with a chair by Christian. He opens one up and then the other, and then TKO on the chair by Rhino. Rhino sets for the gore, he charges but Christian throws a chair. Rhino catches it though and nails Christian with it. I mark the fuck out for a stunning Gore which sends Christian flying out of the door for a win.
WINNER: CHRISTIAN CAGE, and all who watched
Yet another superb video package, this one highlights the best of the X-Division. Jim Cornette is with world series MVP David Epstein in Lousville. I'll be honest, I have no idea who that is. Epstein loves Rhino and Angle but won't pick a winner for Angle vs Joe. He can't wait to come to the Impact Zone. I can't wait to Google him and find out who he is.
X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH
AJ STYLES vs. CHRIS SABIN vs CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
AJ and Sabin start off brawling away while Daniels backs off and lets them get on with it. Good strategy by the Fallen Angel. In the end he does step in and has a stare out with his tag team partner before Sabin begins to dominate. Daniels then takes out both of his opponents and works over Sabin while AJ is down for a rather long time. Styles gets up and they double team Sabin for a bit but this is a triple threat so it doesnt last long. Daniels takes his turn to fall asleep as Sabin gets all up in the champions face, AJ fights back and drops both Sabin and Daniels in a single move. All three men break up eachothers pins then Christian comes out. He says he's still undefeated and Styles wants to get him back for last week. While all of this is going on, Daniels reverses a Cradle Shock to become the new champion.
WINNER: CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
We go live to some remote location where LAX and their new pal Petey Williams are trying to burn the flag as Hemme looks on. Petey has second thoughts about burning the flag so LAX jump him and try to burn him with the flag. Wait..they tried to burn him! Christ. The cops show up and LAX run like scalded Mexicans.
Tenay and West insult LAX and shill DVDs before Abyss heads to the ring.
ABYSS vs. KURT ANGLE
They lock up to start, into the corner and Abyss slaps the Wrestling Machine and Angle slaps him right back. Lock up and Angle gets a headlock, off the ropes and a shoulder block by the monster. Angle gets a take down and elbow drop to the leg followed by a leg lock. Sabin vs. Daniels and AJ vs. Chage has been added to the Genesis card. Angle continues to work the leg with a standing leg locks but gets kicked off by Abyss. Uppercuts from Angle but Abyss slams him into the corner and lays into him with some right hands followed by a boot choke. Irish whip by Abyss, corner splash countered by an elbow then a chop block from Angle. Angle continues to work the leg. Abyss rakes the eyes in order to escape then lays on the right hands. Shock Treatment on Kurt and Mitchell comes out with a wheel barrel full of thumbtacks. He pours them on the floor and this is just starting to get really interesting as we go to commercials/
We're back and Abyss tosses Angle to the floor. Abyss scopps him up but Angle escapes and uppercuts his opponent. Abyss gets slammed into the steel post then steps. Axe handle off the apron from the drug addict then Abyss slams him into the steel railing. Back into the ring and Angle gets hit with a stalling vertical suplex but only gets a two count. Abyss locks in a sleeper but Angle hits a belly to back suplex. Then it's 3 GERMANS FROM ANGLE. The straps are down but the Angle Slam is countered by a fuck off good Black Hole Slam from Abyss. 1....2...but NO it's a kick out. Abyss gets a goozle but it's countered into a roll up then an ANGLE LOCK. Abyss fights but Angle pulls him away and the monster taps out.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Joe hits the ring as Angle celebrates and they battle away. Joe and Abyss decided to double team Angle but the lights go down and Sting comes out to splash Abyss right into the tacks. About time someone took that bump. Sting beats on Abyss then chases him away and then Joe gets an ankle lock of his own on the olympic cold medalists. In the back, Abyss has Sting tied upside down and works him over with a bat. Joe gets Angle in the Kokina Clutch to end the show.
The two hour format really suits this show and Russo's booking style. I'm not thrilled with the hot potato style changing of the X-Div title but other than that it was a solid show.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Christian vs Rhino was a classic
SHOW LOWLIGHT: No one needed the X-Division title to change hands again.
*your definition of funtastic may greatly differ from that of British Bullfrog and TheWrestlingFan.com
People, not least me, often talk of how TNA's standards are slipping. Many fans are switching over to watch more interesting things like SnailWatch, the hard hitting and rather self explanatory series over on Discover. I'm sticking with TNA though because it reminds me very much of my own grandmother. Sometimes I didn't have a clue what she was saying, she was never as funny as she thought she was and she too was killed by a man named Vince. Of course I assume Russo isn't going to batter TNA with a crowbar then steal it's purse. As for the corpse raping well that's more in Mysterio's territory. Some people may be a tad offended when I give visuals like that but remember you won't be nearly as appalled as I was when I saw the video on the internet. But enough of corpse raping, let's do some TNA.
AJ STYLES w/Christopher Daniels vs. BOBBY ROODE w/Traci Brooks vs. RON KILLINGS w/Lance Hoyt
The match starts of with the valiant heel being heavily double teamed. I don't understand it either but I've got to work with the material they give me. Bobby gets clotheslined out of the ring and AJ goes fo the plancha but he stops as Roode sets up to use Traci as a human shield (hooray! more heel manager cliches). Killings gets the new Mr. Wallstreet with a somersault dive. AJ then flattens Killings with an Asai moonsault and they both get back in the ring. Axe kick and facebuster on Styles but the three count is interrupted by Roode and now it's The Turth's turn to play dead on the floor as Roode works on AJ's leg. Killings gets back in and hits Roode with a missile dropkick. Styles hit Killings with an enzuguri before he can start to gain momentum then kicks Roode before going up top, AJ sells the knee as he climbs. Brooks grabs AJ's leg then Daniels grabs Brooks' leg which Hoyt is none to pleased with. So outrage is Hoyt with this unruly behaviour he throws Traci in the crowd. A 'fan' acidentally spills a drink on he which Leads to Roode piefacing the poor innocent spectator. A fan getting involved in a wrestling match? That can mean one of two things: either it was a plant or Kanyon's in town. While all this is going on, Styles rolls up Killings for the uno dos tres.
WINNER: AJ STYLES
As enjoyable as that match was it was still just more of the same from the X-Division. A ton of good spots and that's about it. The unexpected has become expected, it seems. Hey, next thing you know both HHH and Jarrett will be face! Nah, that would be absolutely fucking stupid. Wait, hang on....
Shane Douglas is in the ring to call out Brother Ray! Nobody's quite sure why but, hey, he's senile cut him slack. It's a bit like that crazy old dude who lives down my street only I've never beat up and mugged Shane Douglas. Don't you judge me, my private life is my business! Brother Ray wants to know why Shane is mad at him. Shane's response is to go on about ECW for a while then slap Ray in the face. The Naturals also run out and double team Ray, eventually putting him through a table. We cut backstage to Devon who has been beat down by The Naturals.
AMW are signing autographs in the parking lot when Konnan comes up and throws their pens off the table. Typical Mexican, sure he's going to disrespect and insult you but he's going to do a half assed job of it. The rest of LAX appear and give a major beat down to AMW.
AUSTIN STARR w/Alex Shelley and Kevin Nash vs. PETEY WILLIAMS vs. JOHNNY DEVINE
Nash joins in on commentary as pin combos run rampant in the beginning of this match. Hopefully they'll give Nash the chance to be funny which he most certainly can be, despite his often lack lustre in ring performances. By lack lustre I mean absolutely fucking awful, the untalented cunt. Some of the more ignorant Americans get pretty surprised when they hear English people use words like 'cunt', as they assume we are all lords who live in castles. Most English people get indignant at this stereotype, I personally think it's a grand achievement that we've managed to convince the rest of the world we're a cut above them. Starr gives Devine a back elbow but gets with a slingshot lungblower from Williams. Devine hits Williams with a snap suplex but gets hit with a sideslam from Starr, who gets backdroped. Petey gets a satellite legsweep on Devine but the Destroyer is cut off by Starr who eats an elbow smash for his troubles. Devine goes for a moonsault and gets two out of a backslide on Starr. A brainbuster from Starr who goes up but he cuts off because Shelley accidentaly interrupted Starr and The Destroyer connects on Devine for the win. F-o-r-m-u-l-a-i-c.
WINNER: PETEY WILLIAMS
LAX hit the ring immediately after the end of the match. Konnan says AMW jumped them from behind earlier on in the day. Konnan says that Petey Williams is an immigrant so he will be initiated into LAX next week as they burn the American flag. Hold on a second as I let the full stupidity of this angle resonate.
In the LATIN AMERICAN Exchange.
LATIN AMERICAN exchange.
Mike Tenay is interviewing both Rhino and Christian, who are in separate locations. Christian cuts a quite good promo and then cuts of Rhino when he tries to talk. Some pretty generic threats and Christian is real scared. Rhino says he's gonna kick Christians ass TONIGHT and storms off. I should not that Rhino does not appear in the show, so we can only assume he had a change of heart.
Now Don West is HOLY SHIT MY EYES! He's wearing a bright yellow shirt and tie on a bright yellow background. Hold on a second while I get some shades. OK, I'm back and all that happens is Don shills the crap out of the PPV, the new DVDs and Prime Time's debut. Didn't he, like, already work there?
We now get both Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle giving comments on the match. They both put the match over a treat and remind me why I still watch this show. The brief happiness is killed like an Iraqi civilian when US peacemakers is in town cos it's time for....
THE FINAL OF THE FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TOURNAMENT
AJ STYLES vs ABYSS
I watched Saw 2 the other night and I can't help drawing comparisons between Jigsaw's sick games and Russo's ridiculous tournaments. Imagine him appearing up on the titantron saying, 'Hello TNA wrestlers...I wanna play a game...' next thing you know one of three things happen:
A.) The competitors each have thirty seconds to learn a dance then perform it before a race to the ring to qualify
B.) Whichever competitor can look at Roddy Pipers bloated body in trunks without screaming 'JESUS CHRIST' for longest qualifies
C.) The competitors are each locked in a cage with an animal from the African serengeti. The person who lives longest qualifies.
Hey, they all make a lot more sense than 'reverse battle royal'
Anyway, the winner of this match gets to face Sting for the title at Genesis. Christopher Daniels and Jim Mitchells are both sent to the back as the match begins. Abyss hits an elbow then throws Styles across the ring only to miss the Stinger splash and get shouldered in the corner. Styles hits a rana and then tries and fails a suplex. He stays in control, however, and hits another rana and then some clothesline but eats a big boot. Abyss gabs a chair and wedges it in between the turnbuckles then slingshots AJ into it. This isn't a disqualification because...it's...it's just not, ok, shut up. Avalanche from Abyss but AJ gets out of the torture rack then hits a dropkick and some forearms. Abyss takes out his opponent and the referee with an avalanche after some Irish whip reversals. Christian Cage then runs in and hits both of the competitors with a chair. He grabs the mic and tells us he should be the one with the title shot. Man, the amount of times he must've said that in his career. Both wrestlers are out and the referee gets up and counts to ten. Double KO? Hey, so matches can finish that way! Oh wait, they can't because the match must continue until we have a winner. AJ hits a sprinboard forearm but it's only a two count, another two count follows after a victory role. AJ's momentum comes to a hault as an Asai DDT attempt is cut off and he gets hit with the Shock Treatment. Jim Mitchell runs out now with a bag of tacks but gets cut off by Chris Daniels. The ref goes to sort out Daniels and Mitchell as AJ sets up the Styles Clash. He doesn't hit it however because Chris Sabins runs in and hits Styles with an enzuguri. Black Hole Slam for Abyss and look who's going to Genesis.
Now we see Sting doing what he does best! Standing in the rafters and looking intimidating.
There are dominatrix's all over this land that would kill to get the kind of pleasure/pain balance TNA has going right now. One minute they've got the clusterfuck Fight For Your Right (TO DESTROY THE COMPANAAAAY) tournament and entirely predictable X-Division matches. Then they've got Angle and Joe in a feud with tasteful video packages and everything. But enough about S & M (please hold the e-mails telling me you can never get enough of S & M) I'll wrap this thing up.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Once again it's the superb build for Joe/Angle
SHOW LOWLIGHT: A Canadian. In LAX.
Well that's all the TNA we have for this week but I'll be back very soon. Goodnight, and goodluck*.
*Any catchphrase infringement is purely accidental.
We start off backstage, as per, with an interview with Chris Sabin and Christy Hemme. Sabin disses Jerry Lynn for being to old to wrestle, Jesus Christ in TNA Jerry Lynn is considered old but in WWE Undertakers just about to peak. Depressing. AJ Styles is pissed off by this, demanding that Sabin show more respect. Jerry Lynn is apparently incapable of fighting his own battles so Sabin says he'll put the belt on the line against AJ tonight! Also it seems to be a match in the Fight For Your Right tournament.
FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TOURNAMENT MATCH
CHRIS SABIN vs. AJ STYLES
Wow, it's a pretty crazy coincidence that they happen to have a tournament match just seconds after they have a dispute. Yup, a pretty crazy coincidence. AJ starts off with the take down and we get a fast sequence of reversals. AJ then hits a backbreaker for the two count. We're told this is a signature Jerry Lynn move. I'm sure Jerry Lynn would loved to be remembered as the 'pioneer of the backbreaker'. Styles locks in the bow and arrow submission but Sabin counters and gets a backslide for two and then a dropkick to the knees. A dropkick? Christ, now Sabins ripping off Lynn. Sabin hits a fuck off big kick to the back of AJ's head followed by a chinlock which AJ tries and fails to get out of once but then finally breaks the hold. A spin kick sets up the springboard forearm for a two count. He goes for the Styles Clash but Sabin counters and hits a botched enzuguri. Tornado DDT and they both roll around for a while. Sabin gets hit with a big kick but reverses out of an inverted DDT. Sabin hits a yakuza kick but his attempt at a Future Shock is turned into a small package and Styles gets the win.
WINNER AND NEW X-DIV CHAMPION: AJ STYLES
That was one of the best X-Division matches we've seen in a while but then again the standard of the X-Div has been slipping a lot lately. There were some nice spots and it was a good match but lacked the intensity we've come to expect from the division. Holy shit a solid serious paragraph! Um...so...what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Being raped.
Up next is a pre-taped Sting interview. He starts of by putting over Jeff Jarrett. Sure they were enemies and he screwed him out of the title a few months ago but, hey, he's a good guy, right? Now he's calling the NWA Title a cancer that has represented greed, lust and everything wrong with the wrestling business. So up until now the title has meant nothing. It's ok though, because Sting will be changing things! Oh yes, he says now the belt will stand for all the good in the world and all the credit goes to 'God Almighty'. So either Impact is turning religious or (and this is much more likely with Russo at the healm) there will soon be a new wrestler debuting by name of God Almighty.
Backstage Lance Hoyt and Ron Killings are having a chat. Although they're fighting tonight, they are still friends. Bless. Eric Young runs in saying he's looking for Double J.
FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TOURNAMENT MATCH
RON KILLINGS vs LANCE HOYT
Lockup to start with Killings getting two quick pin attempts and them locking in a headlock. Hoyt gets a shoulderblock then a big boot misses. Side slam from Hoyt for two. Killings dances a bit then hits a leg lariat. He goes for the axe kick but Hoyt avoids it. Hoyt goes for another big boot but misses and Truth hits the flying forearm then the axe kick for three.
WINNER: RON KILLINGS
The James Gang come out and BG grabs the microphone. He says that HHH and X-Pac are worthless and that they carried DX. They didn't name names, naturally but it was pretty fucking obvious. He also claims TNA management dropped the ball on 3 Live Crew and moans about not being pushed enough. Kip goes to agree but gets his mic cut off. The point in that segment? There wasn't one. Damm you, Russo, DAMM YOU TO HELL!
FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TOURNAMENT MATCH
BOBBY ROODE vs CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
It appears Roode has a new gimmick, he is now Mr. Wall Street. A Canadian New York businessman, just what we always wanted! Traci Brooks distracts Daniels at the beginning and Roode stomps at him. Daniels fires back but gets hit with some elbows and a kneedrop. Rooke goes into the neck crank but Daniels elbows out. Daniels goes for the crucifix but Roode blocks it. Daniels hits a flatliner instead. I wonder how long it'll be before Russo starts changing everyones gimmick. Imagine it: 'Chicken Boy' AJ Styles, Ron Killings: Black Panther, Sharkboy...uh..Sharkman! Roode roles out but Daniels hits an Asai moonsault and roles him back into the ring. Daniels comes in with a cross body and gets a two count. He misses a knee drop and Roode hits an Uncle Slam for a nearfall. Mr. Wall Street goes for a powerbomb but Daniels slips out an dhits the Death Valley Driver. Roode sells it like ECW live shows sell tickets: hardly at all. Daniels goesf or the BME but Traci Brooks distracts the ref before he can count to three. CLICHE ALARM! Daniels gets rid of her and goes for the angles wings but she grabs his leg. Roode rolls the dice for the one two three.
WINNER: BOBBY ROODE
Traci is standing over Daniels and AJ runs in to stop it. Christ knows why but it seems to cause an argument between them. Can't a team in this company just stay the fuck together!
CHRISTIAN vs. RHINO in a FOUR CORNERS MATCH
Rhino jumps Christian as Captain Charisma is on his way out. Rhino wips him into the barricades for quite a while. The rules for this match are: there is a weapon in on a pole in each corner. If you get the item you can use it in the cage match that they will be having in two weeks on Impact. I...see. Rhino chokes Christian and goes to get a chair off one of the poles but he's cut off by Cage. Christian goes to another pole which has the key to the cage door on it but Rhino shoves him off and grabs the key. So.. he has the key? It's going to be a fuck off short cage match. I'd be much more into if they had lethal weapons on the poles. You're gonna try a lot harder if it's going to prevent you getting a shotgun pulled on you in a steel cage. A lot harder. Maybe there's a gun in the huge box that's attached to the key. We come back after the commercials and there's a table in the ring. Rhino grabbed a straightjacket off a pole during the break and apparently tried to use it but had it confiscated. A preview of the cage match:
Rhino sticks Christian in a straightjacket, opens the door and leaves.....hooray! Rhino tries to gore Christian through the table but eats a dropkick. Christian grabs some bolt cutters off a pole and tries to use them but Rhino stops him. The referee takes the bolt cutters away. Matt Bentley them runs in and starts beating up on Rhino, this allows Christian to grab the chairs of the final pole. Rhino grabs the straightjacket and puts Christian in it. He goes to hit him with the chair but Kazarian is now in the ring. Kazarian and Bentley, who are dressed like Raven attempt to double team Rhino but get destroyed.
WINNER: Christ knows.
We finish with a nice video package of Angle and Joe training for Genesis.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The end video package was mighty slick
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The hugely confusing stipulations for the main event.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).