Hey there kids. Yep, it’s your old buddy James Walker (even though I’m only twenty and I sure as hell would never be your friend, loser) here with your iMPACT rECAP oF cOUNTER-iNTUITIVE cAPITZALIZATION. Now, just because I did it last week, and I’m doing it again this week, doesn’t mean that this event will repeat itself on a regular basis. You know it’s funny, I tell that to all the women I sleep with. They would take offence, except that by then their pimp is calling them on their cellphone wondering “where my monay at, bitch”. Sigh.

Anyways, I’ve got a recap to do, and you have to read it. Well, you don’t really have to, but you’ve already clicked the link by now so I’ve gotten what I wanted out of the deal. Sort of like me promising to give a woman an org- ah, fuck it, you know where I’m going with this already.

We get the opening video of ADHD-proportions, and we’re suddenly in the midst of the LAX beating up Styles & Daniels. You know, this made me wonder what would happen if Spike started airing Star Wars films. I’d be willing to bet that we’d jump right into Obi-wan getting murdered by Darth Vader, take a commercial break and Luke is ripping into a Taun-Taun’s gut, and we close the half-hour long show with Luke and Palpatine battling it out.. with the show closing out before a winner can be determined. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to Jeff Jarrett title reigns.”

Oh, the LAX is still beating down the tag champs. Daniels does a pretty nasty blade job, and AJ does a slighty weaker one after being hit in the head with a champagne bucket. Oh, yeah, the ring is set up for a Jeff Jarrett celebration. Did I forget to mention that? Pity. Anywho, Daniels tries to mount a come back – and to tell you the truth, the visual looked pretty neat: Chris was all covered in blood, smeared on to his shirt, and he just went bug eyed and started walloping on Hernandez. However, that nice moment got quickly ruined with Homicide choking Daniels with piano wire. You know, since Konnan is always talking about the prejudice and disrespect Americans have for foreigners, it’s a good thing Homicide wasn’t wearing a ski-mask. Otherwise, K-Dawg just might be managing every untalented hoss that comes TNA’s way.

Oh fine, I’ve stalled enough on this segment, so I’m gonna speed it up now. LAX continues to the beatdown, until Rhino comes out for the save. Monty Brown shows up, then Brother Runt (complete with a ridiculous Mohawk), then Abyss, then Samoa Joe. We have a big brawl over the place, and Jarrett comes down to the ring wondering what’s going on, and still insists on the confetti cannons being shot as he poses with the belt. Rhino & Joe battle their way out of the impact zone, and the heels seemingly are taking over when the lights go off. No, we aren’t feeling the effects of the fire, but it’s the entrance of STING! Tenay hypes him as a nice blend of Jesus Christ, Terminator, and Alex Trebek, as he clears the ring with the baseball bat. I hate to go on a rant here, but…

STING? Is that really the best name the guy could ever come up with? When I think of sting, I think of bees. I think of picnic being slightly pestered by the buzzing annoyance of small insects; NOT of bad-ass, trenchcoat wearing, baseball bat wielding, face paint sporting, super-duper all around awesome dude. I mean, seriously – this would be like the four horsemen of the apocalypse being called “Acne”, “Telemarketing”, “Handicapped Parking Spaces Not In Use”, and “Going To The Grocery Store And Buying Everything For Thanksgiving Dinner And Inviting All The Family Over And Spending All Day Slaving Over A Hot Stove And Then Realizing That Your Niece Is a Vegetarian Who Really Likes To Rub It In Everyone’s Face”.

“Ouch, a yellow stripped insect just attacked me” proceeds to cut a promo, where-in he proves he deserves a title shot because the fans are chanting “TNA!”. You know, I’d hate to see what Sting would do at a sporting event when the American national anthem singer says “the bombs bursting in air.” Hint: It begins with “M” and ends in “ass explosions”. (Make up your own joke for that.) Sting also says he wasn’t beat by Jeff Jarrett, he was beat by Christian Cage.  Sylvan Sez:

I sure wish Christian Cage would beat me…

Jarrett looks like he’s going to the after-party at the gay rodeo, as he walks away with an oversized belt, tight cotton shirt, and bottle of cheap champagne.

As we’re in a commercial break, I’d like to send a note to Spike TV.

Dear Spike,

I’ve noticed that you hype yourself as “The First Network For Men”. Generally, men don’t like to suck, so maybe you should too.

Sincerely,
90% of the North American male population.

In the back, LE BORSH is trying to get a word with Jarrett in front of his dressing room, but Eric Young comes out. An exchange of “I don’t know, do you know?” and “I don’t know, should I?” and such follows, which some how ends up on Eric saying that Jarrett told him to get the hell out of his dressing room, and then wondering if Jeff could get him fired. No, Eric, don’t worry about that. He’ll just kill all your heat and then you’ll be stuck in a tag team with a WWE sendoff. Fret not.

Alex Shelley, Johnny Devine & Petey Williams VS Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt

Hmm. Aside from Petey subbing in for Nash, this is the exact match-up I recapped last week. TNA! THE NEW FACE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! … WE WEAR A HAT!

It’s worth noting that when Shelley & Devine came out, they came out as “The Paparazziis”. Datas show that these mens like to feed geeses as a way to relax.

Lethal and Devine star us off, and early on we see Jay land some crazy-ass Hiptoss into a cartwheel into a basement dropkick. Eventually, the Heels try to stop the onslaught, but all end up on the outside of the ring. Chris Sabin dives on to someone, and I’ve found tonight’s MS Paint alarm: Superfluous Dives! So, in honour of Chris Sabin’s plancha, I present: THE HAMBURGER!

Jay Lethal decides to take Chris’ lead, and dives onto someone too! RIBS!

Sonjay Dutt one ups both men with a flipping seated senton dive! TACO!

Then, for no apparent reason except that management thinks he’s relevant, Earl Hebner runs out (looking like an absolute hobo, no less) and brawls with Slick Johnson, as only referees can, taking us to commercial. TNA! TNA! … err…

When we get back from the break, Mike Tenay acts as if Earl Hebner’s actions are worse than the Holocaust. MIKE TENAY LOVES HYPERBOLE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD EVER. Anywho, Petey goes for a bulldog, but Lethal smoothly converts that into a swank backbreaker. Sonjay Dutt gets the hot tag (an odd choice, if you ask me. The guy is not only the smallest of anyone in this match, but up until recently, he’s been a jobber. Oh well, what do I know, I’m only an 18-34 Male) and in the midst of his rally, shakes the ropes and spinebuster Devine to the mat. I’m thinking this is a not-so-inside shot at Batista, who’s been putting down the X-Division in interviews. Anywho, enough smarky-talk, I have bad puns to make. With Devine and Williams on the mat, Lethal and Sabin do the “classic rowboat spot”.. which oddly enough, I’ve never seen. (But shh! Don’t tell the rest of the IWC!) In the middle of this, uhh, boat, Dutt gets a pinning Hurricarana on Shelley for two.

Note to TNA. If you want to be seen as professional wrestling instead of sports entertainers, STOP DOING SHIT LIKE THIS. In a world with MMA rising in popularity, where-in you can see people legitimately get their faces kicked in, seeing something that belongs in a synchronized swimming competition WILL NOT get you ratings. It will, however, get me all angry and I just might voice my opinion in a column. FEAR ME.

We get a slew of leg lariats, and Sabin finishes off Devine with a springboard leg drop. Woooooeee!

Winners: Team Charisma

Now, we get some footage from after Hard Justice. Christian is stopped backstage by Rhino, but Christian, in chickenshit heel mode, says he’ll explain later as he scampers away. Man, that was truly worth its own segment.

This transitions to a sit down interview with Christian, saying he brought TNA to popularity, that he’s the biggest star, and Sting wanted him to be in his shadow. I don’t think this heel turn will get over, simply because the fans actually AGREE with Christian on this one. Or you know, ignore me and have another Sting/Jarrett main event instead of making Samoa Joe your champion and having Christian beat Sting on the biggest show of the year. ‘CAUSE THAT’S JUST CRAZY TALK.

Backstage, Daniels cuts a promo on the LAX, challenging to a match where-in they’d get their revenge, covered in his own blood, screaming like a man possessed while AJ Styles just… slumps… and looks slightly comatose. This prompts Konnan to get a house mic and accept said challenge, as long as it’s a no disqualification match. Hey, that’s cool… beat the shit out of someone, and then they’ll willingly give you what you want. If only they taught this in school.

We get a Bobby Roode video, where in he interviews potential managers (Simon Diamond, Shane Douglas, and James Mitchell) but he decides they’re not good enough for him, and he’s going to have to “think outside the box” to find one. That’s a good idea, because when I think inside the box, all I seem to be thinking is “Man, she tastes like fish.”

Chris Harris w/ Gail Kim VS Kazarian VS Chase Stevens VS BG James, winner’s team become the #1 contenders for the tag team titles

So, this is the make up match from the PPV, where we were supposed to get a 4 team match. However, this match was reduced to a bout 3 minutes, so I decided to make up my own match review for it.

Chris Harris starts the match with Chase Stevens, and both guys look at each other and wonder if the other guy pulled a switcharoo. “Hey, aren’t you Andy Douglas?” “I don’t know, I could be.” Anywho, the fight it out for a few minutes, but then the police come down to the ring and finally arrest America’s Most Wanted. It’s about damn time too; they’ve only been filmed at the same spot for the last year and a half.

This leads to BG James coming into the match now against Stevens, and BG gives him the shaky knee drop, some right handed jab combo, and a pump handle slam. However, seemingly confused as what to do now, he tags in Kazarian. As Kazarian and Stevens fight, Jeremy Borash runs up to BG and says “I thought you knew more moves than that!”, and BG responds with “OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW?”

Anywho, Stevens quickly pins Kazarian because according to the WWE, no one knows that Kazarian is a contracted wrestler with a push. Kazarian handed in his release a few hours later.

Winner: Chase Stevens

(Truth be told, Stevens pinned Harris after James Storm fucked up on interference. But shhh, I didn’t tell you that.)

Post match, Shane Douglas & The Naturals celebrate, as James Storms fingers Chris Harris, despite Gail Kim being right there. … heh heh.

We get a video package, where Joe and Killings have promos edited to make it look like these guys have been feuding for months. It’s a smart move for TNA if they’re trying to attract new viewers, but the old viewers watching will probably roll their eyes and decide that they’d rather watch Murder She Wrote until UFC comes on.

Samoa Joe VS Ron Killings

Let this be known. Shout it from the rooftops and the mountains. Let it be heard far and wide, across all the land.

I HATE ORLANDO.

Reason being, you ask? They sing along to Killing’s HORRIBLE midi-ized theme song, “What up”. Hell, while I’m on this rant, I fucking HATE all of TNA’s music. 80% of it sounds exactly alike, and the other 20% are either horrible covers, inane drawl, or Samoa Joe’s Godzilla theme. I would seriously enjoy this promotion so much more if they would simply shell out 50 grand a year to a guy to come up with all the themes, instead of letting Jeremy Borash go nuts with Fruity Loops.

Anywho, Killings gets in Joe’s face to start us off. A quick double leg follows, and Ron (which might be the LEAST black name I’ve ever heard) mounts some punches. The ref breaks that up, and Joe fires back with a stiff standing enziguri. However, Killings comes back with the HHH facebuster, then a Yakuza/Mafia/Hell’s Angels/”One Man” kick. Joe goes outside of the ring, and you know what this means.. SOMMERSAULT PLANCHA! CHERRY PIE!

Speaking of Cherry Pie, Christy Hemme takes us to commercial promising the conclusion to the match and Jeff Jarrett’s response to Sting’s challenge. More Jeff Jarrett? COUNT ME IN!!!

We’re back, and Killings attempts a corner clothesline, but is hit with the STJoe. (Not this ) It’s interesting to note that Joe is playing the heel in this match, yet the fans aren’t booing either man. Anywho, since Joe is the bad guy, that means he has to lock in a chinlock. Killings battles out, hits his overly-rotated forearm, but still eats the snap powerslam for two. On the kickout, Joe floats over into a cross arm breaker, but Killings makes it to the ropes. Back to his feet, Killings impressively lands a sitout gordbuster. (Little known fact: While in the WWE, Killings used that as his finish and it was called the half-rack crack. I didn’t understand that this was slightly racist until right now. Ha ha, black people!)

Anywho, Truth heads to the top ropes, but Joe cuts him off. Muscle Buster follows, and the pinfall is academic.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Instead of, you know, letting Joe’s win close the show, we have to cut to Jeff Jarrett, who accepts Sting’s challenge for the next PPV, but only if Sting’s career is on the line. .. I seriously don’t know who I want to win.

Show Highlight: The LAX VS Daniels/Styles stuff. This feud is hot, and it’s a good thing that TNA is running with it. While they didn’t have a match, it continued beautifully, and it truly feels like a real feud now, instead of guys wrestling. Kudos.

Special mention goes to the Christian promo, just because there’s truth in what he’s saying.

Show Lowlight: Just about everything else. The rest of the opening segment was just predictable, and Sting, by and large, has been a failure for TNA. The 6 man tag felt way too choreographed, heatless, and Sabin continues to be one of the most boring characters in TNA, no matter how talented in the ring. The 4 corners match was incredibly short, especially for a #1 contender’s match. The main event was solid, but Killings just hasn’t been pushed enough to really hold an audience. The Jarrett shit continues to piss me off, and it looks like it won’t end any time soon.

Overall show thoughts: Gah. I can’t figure out if TNA is purposely giving us shitty TV in hope that we’ll buy the “Good” PPVs, or if they simply don’t know how to use an hour of TV properly. While they don’t have to give us classics each week, having 3 minute matches does no one any favors. What’s odd is that I can’t really pick what they filled the rest of this show with, because aside from the opening segment, nothing was overly long. I think this is telling me that TNA is trying to fit too much into an hour of TV, and instead of it being action-packed, it comes across as sloppy. In good conscience, I can’t give this show a good review. Thumbs down.