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August 10, 2006
August 19, 2006

 Tneh! Impact Report
by James Walker


Hey there kids. Yep, it’s your old buddy James Walker (even though I’m only twenty and I sure as hell would never be your friend, loser) here with your iMPACT rECAP oF cOUNTER-iNTUITIVE cAPITZALIZATION. Now, just because I did it last week, and I’m doing it again this week, doesn’t mean that this event will repeat itself on a regular basis. You know it’s funny, I tell that to all the women I sleep with. They would take offence, except that by then their pimp is calling them on their cellphone wondering “where my monay at, bitch”. Sigh.


Anyways, I’ve got a recap to do, and you have to read it. Well, you don’t really have to, but you’ve already clicked the link by now so I’ve gotten what I wanted out of the deal. Sort of like me promising to give a woman an org- ah, fuck it, you know where I’m going with this already.


We get the opening video of ADHD-proportions, and we’re suddenly in the midst of the LAX beating up Styles & Daniels. You know, this made me wonder what would happen if Spike started airing Star Wars films. I’d be willing to bet that we’d jump right into Obi-wan getting murdered by Darth Vader, take a commercial break and Luke is ripping into a Taun-Taun’s gut, and we close the half-hour long show with Luke and Palpatine battling it out.. with the show closing out before a winner can be determined. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to Jeff Jarrett title reigns.”


Oh, the LAX is still beating down the tag champs. Daniels does a pretty nasty blade job, and AJ does a slighty weaker one after being hit in the head with a champagne bucket. Oh, yeah, the ring is set up for a Jeff Jarrett celebration. Did I forget to mention that? Pity. Anywho, Daniels tries to mount a come back – and to tell you the truth, the visual looked pretty neat: Chris was all covered in blood, smeared on to his shirt, and he just went bug eyed and started walloping on Hernandez. However, that nice moment got quickly ruined with Homicide choking Daniels with piano wire. You know, since Konnan is always talking about the prejudice and disrespect Americans have for foreigners, it’s a good thing Homicide wasn’t wearing a ski-mask. Otherwise, K-Dawg just might be managing every untalented hoss that comes TNA’s way.


Oh fine, I’ve stalled enough on this segment, so I’m gonna speed it up now. LAX continues to the beatdown, until Rhino comes out for the save. Monty Brown shows up, then Brother Runt (complete with a ridiculous Mohawk), then Abyss, then Samoa Joe. We have a big brawl over the place, and Jarrett comes down to the ring wondering what’s going on, and still insists on the confetti cannons being shot as he poses with the belt. Rhino & Joe battle their way out of the impact zone, and the heels seemingly are taking over when the lights go off. No, we aren’t feeling the effects of the fire, but it’s the entrance of STING! Tenay hypes him as a nice blend of Jesus Christ, Terminator, and Alex Trebek, as he clears the ring with the baseball bat. I hate to go on a rant here, but…


STING? Is that really the best name the guy could ever come up with? When I think of sting, I think of bees. I think of picnic being slightly pestered by the buzzing annoyance of small insects; NOT of bad-ass, trenchcoat wearing, baseball bat wielding, face paint sporting, super-duper all around awesome dude. I mean, seriously – this would be like the four horsemen of the apocalypse being called “Acne”, “Telemarketing”, “Handicapped Parking Spaces Not In Use”, and “Going To The Grocery Store And Buying Everything For Thanksgiving Dinner And Inviting All The Family Over And Spending All Day Slaving Over A Hot Stove And Then Realizing That Your Niece Is a Vegetarian Who Really Likes To Rub It In Everyone’s Face”.


“Ouch, a yellow stripped insect just attacked me” proceeds to cut a promo, where-in he proves he deserves a title shot because the fans are chanting “TNA!”. You know, I’d hate to see what Sting would do at a sporting event when the American national anthem singer says “the bombs bursting in air.” Hint: It begins with “M” and ends in “ass explosions”. (Make up your own joke for that.) Sting also says he wasn’t beat by Jeff Jarrett, he was beat by Christian Cage.  Sylvan Sez:




I sure wish Christian Cage would beat me…








Jarrett looks like he’s going to the after-party at the gay rodeo, as he walks away with an oversized belt, tight cotton shirt, and bottle of cheap champagne.


As we’re in a commercial break, I’d like to send a note to Spike TV.


Dear Spike,

I’ve noticed that you hype yourself as “The First Network For Men”. Generally, men don’t like to suck, so maybe you should too.


90% of the North American male population.

We get a nice little video package from Hard Justice that talks about the famed TNA fire more than anything else. You know, I knew deep down that Jarrett would eventually put some hot young star over…


In the back, LE BORSH is trying to get a word with Jarrett in front of his dressing room, but Eric Young comes out. An exchange of “I don’t know, do you know?” and “I don’t know, should I?” and such follows, which some how ends up on Eric saying that Jarrett told him to get the hell out of his dressing room, and then wondering if Jeff could get him fired. No, Eric, don’t worry about that. He’ll just kill all your heat and then you’ll be stuck in a tag team with a WWE sendoff. Fret not.


Alex Shelley, Johnny Devine & Petey Williams VS Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt


Hmm. Aside from Petey subbing in for Nash, this is the exact match-up I recapped last week. TNA! THE NEW FACE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! … WE WEAR A HAT!


It’s worth noting that when Shelley & Devine came out, they came out as “The Paparazziis”. Datas show that these mens like to feed geeses as a way to relax.


Lethal and Devine star us off, and early on we see Jay land some crazy-ass Hiptoss into a cartwheel into a basement dropkick. Eventually, the Heels try to stop the onslaught, but all end up on the outside of the ring. Chris Sabin dives on to someone, and I’ve found tonight’s MS Paint alarm: Superfluous Dives! So, in honour of Chris Sabin’s plancha, I present: THE HAMBURGER!



Jay Lethal decides to take Chris’ lead, and dives onto someone too! RIBS!



Sonjay Dutt one ups both men with a flipping seated senton dive! TACO!



Then, for no apparent reason except that management thinks he’s relevant, Earl Hebner runs out (looking like an absolute hobo, no less) and brawls with Slick Johnson, as only referees can, taking us to commercial. TNA! TNA! … err…


When we get back from the break, Mike Tenay acts as if Earl Hebner’s actions are worse than the Holocaust. MIKE TENAY LOVES HYPERBOLE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD EVER. Anywho, Petey goes for a bulldog, but Lethal smoothly converts that into a swank backbreaker. Sonjay Dutt gets the hot tag (an odd choice, if you ask me. The guy is not only the smallest of anyone in this match, but up until recently, he’s been a jobber. Oh well, what do I know, I’m only an 18-34 Male) and in the midst of his rally, shakes the ropes and spinebuster Devine to the mat. I’m thinking this is a not-so-inside shot at Batista, who’s been putting down the X-Division in interviews. Anywho, enough smarky-talk, I have bad puns to make. With Devine and Williams on the mat, Lethal and Sabin do the “classic rowboat spot”.. which oddly enough, I’ve never seen. (But shh! Don’t tell the rest of the IWC!) In the middle of this, uhh, boat, Dutt gets a pinning Hurricarana on Shelley for two.


Note to TNA. If you want to be seen as professional wrestling instead of sports entertainers, STOP DOING SHIT LIKE THIS. In a world with MMA rising in popularity, where-in you can see people legitimately get their faces kicked in, seeing something that belongs in a synchronized swimming competition WILL NOT get you ratings. It will, however, get me all angry and I just might voice my opinion in a column. FEAR ME.


We get a slew of leg lariats, and Sabin finishes off Devine with a springboard leg drop. Woooooeee!


Winners: Team Charisma


Now, we get some footage from after Hard Justice. Christian is stopped backstage by Rhino, but Christian, in chickenshit heel mode, says he’ll explain later as he scampers away. Man, that was truly worth its own segment.


This transitions to a sit down interview with Christian, saying he brought TNA to popularity, that he’s the biggest star, and Sting wanted him to be in his shadow. I don’t think this heel turn will get over, simply because the fans actually AGREE with Christian on this one. Or you know, ignore me and have another Sting/Jarrett main event instead of making Samoa Joe your champion and having Christian beat Sting on the biggest show of the year. ‘CAUSE THAT’S JUST CRAZY TALK.


Backstage, Daniels cuts a promo on the LAX, challenging to a match where-in they’d get their revenge, covered in his own blood, screaming like a man possessed while AJ Styles just… slumps… and looks slightly comatose. This prompts Konnan to get a house mic and accept said challenge, as long as it’s a no disqualification match. Hey, that’s cool… beat the shit out of someone, and then they’ll willingly give you what you want. If only they taught this in school.


We get a Bobby Roode video, where in he interviews potential managers (Simon Diamond, Shane Douglas, and James Mitchell) but he decides they’re not good enough for him, and he’s going to have to “think outside the box” to find one. That’s a good idea, because when I think inside the box, all I seem to be thinking is “Man, she tastes like fish.”


Chris Harris w/ Gail Kim VS Kazarian VS Chase Stevens VS BG James, winner’s team become the #1 contenders for the tag team titles


So, this is the make up match from the PPV, where we were supposed to get a 4 team match. However, this match was reduced to a bout 3 minutes, so I decided to make up my own match review for it.


Chris Harris starts the match with Chase Stevens, and both guys look at each other and wonder if the other guy pulled a switcharoo. “Hey, aren’t you Andy Douglas?” “I don’t know, I could be.” Anywho, the fight it out for a few minutes, but then the police come down to the ring and finally arrest America’s Most Wanted. It’s about damn time too; they’ve only been filmed at the same spot for the last year and a half.


This leads to BG James coming into the match now against Stevens, and BG gives him the shaky knee drop, some right handed jab combo, and a pump handle slam. However, seemingly confused as what to do now, he tags in Kazarian. As Kazarian and Stevens fight, Jeremy Borash runs up to BG and says “I thought you knew more moves than that!”, and BG responds with “OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW?”


Anywho, Stevens quickly pins Kazarian because according to the WWE, no one knows that Kazarian is a contracted wrestler with a push. Kazarian handed in his release a few hours later.


Winner: Chase Stevens


(Truth be told, Stevens pinned Harris after James Storm fucked up on interference. But shhh, I didn’t tell you that.)


Post match, Shane Douglas & The Naturals celebrate, as James Storms fingers Chris Harris, despite Gail Kim being right there. … heh heh.


We get a video package, where Joe and Killings have promos edited to make it look like these guys have been feuding for months. It’s a smart move for TNA if they’re trying to attract new viewers, but the old viewers watching will probably roll their eyes and decide that they’d rather watch Murder She Wrote until UFC comes on.


Samoa Joe VS Ron Killings


Let this be known. Shout it from the rooftops and the mountains. Let it be heard far and wide, across all the land.




Reason being, you ask? They sing along to Killing’s HORRIBLE midi-ized theme song, “What up”. Hell, while I’m on this rant, I fucking HATE all of TNA’s music. 80% of it sounds exactly alike, and the other 20% are either horrible covers, inane drawl, or Samoa Joe’s Godzilla theme. I would seriously enjoy this promotion so much more if they would simply shell out 50 grand a year to a guy to come up with all the themes, instead of letting Jeremy Borash go nuts with Fruity Loops.


Anywho, Killings gets in Joe’s face to start us off. A quick double leg follows, and Ron (which might be the LEAST black name I’ve ever heard) mounts some punches. The ref breaks that up, and Joe fires back with a stiff standing enziguri. However, Killings comes back with the HHH facebuster, then a Yakuza/Mafia/Hell’s Angels/”One Man” kick. Joe goes outside of the ring, and you know what this means.. SOMMERSAULT PLANCHA! CHERRY PIE!



Speaking of Cherry Pie, Christy Hemme takes us to commercial promising the conclusion to the match and Jeff Jarrett’s response to Sting’s challenge. More Jeff Jarrett? COUNT ME IN!!!


We’re back, and Killings attempts a corner clothesline, but is hit with the STJoe. (Not this ) It’s interesting to note that Joe is playing the heel in this match, yet the fans aren’t booing either man. Anywho, since Joe is the bad guy, that means he has to lock in a chinlock. Killings battles out, hits his overly-rotated forearm, but still eats the snap powerslam for two. On the kickout, Joe floats over into a cross arm breaker, but Killings makes it to the ropes. Back to his feet, Killings impressively lands a sitout gordbuster. (Little known fact: While in the WWE, Killings used that as his finish and it was called the half-rack crack. I didn’t understand that this was slightly racist until right now. Ha ha, black people!)


Anywho, Truth heads to the top ropes, but Joe cuts him off. Muscle Buster follows, and the pinfall is academic.


Winner: Samoa Joe


Instead of, you know, letting Joe’s win close the show, we have to cut to Jeff Jarrett, who accepts Sting’s challenge for the next PPV, but only if Sting’s career is on the line. .. I seriously don’t know who I want to win.


Show Highlight: The LAX VS Daniels/Styles stuff. This feud is hot, and it’s a good thing that TNA is running with it. While they didn’t have a match, it continued beautifully, and it truly feels like a real feud now, instead of guys wrestling. Kudos.


Special mention goes to the Christian promo, just because there’s truth in what he’s saying.


Show Lowlight: Just about everything else. The rest of the opening segment was just predictable, and Sting, by and large, has been a failure for TNA. The 6 man tag felt way too choreographed, heatless, and Sabin continues to be one of the most boring characters in TNA, no matter how talented in the ring. The 4 corners match was incredibly short, especially for a #1 contender’s match. The main event was solid, but Killings just hasn’t been pushed enough to really hold an audience. The Jarrett shit continues to piss me off, and it looks like it won’t end any time soon.


Overall show thoughts: Gah. I can’t figure out if TNA is purposely giving us shitty TV in hope that we’ll buy the “Good” PPVs, or if they simply don’t know how to use an hour of TV properly. While they don’t have to give us classics each week, having 3 minute matches does no one any favors. What’s odd is that I can’t really pick what they filled the rest of this show with, because aside from the opening segment, nothing was overly long. I think this is telling me that TNA is trying to fit too much into an hour of TV, and instead of it being action-packed, it comes across as sloppy. In good conscience, I can’t give this show a good review. Thumbs down.

Send feedback to James Walker  

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

 Tneh! Impact Report
by James Walker
James Walker



Hey there, kids! Yep, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood James Walker. (Though some neighborhoods would disagree – namely, the ones with playgrounds in the vicinity. But whatever, there’s no law against coaxing children into your van and having your way with them. There is? Shit.) I figured since Joe & Sean provided the last two recaps of TNA, I might as well chime in with my views. Well, that’s what I was told to say. Truth be told, if I didn’t do this rant tonight, I was gonna get fired quicker than you can say “Leeman”.


THE BORSH (or as he’s called in Mexico, EL BORSH) is outside Cornette’s office, and Eric Young comes out of a tent (as opposed to Borash pitching a tent) and asks him about ties. Yeah. Take fashion tips from a guy who looks the same now as he did in his 1992 prom. We find out that Eric is asking because he has a meeting with Cornette tonight, and in order to impress Jim, he has a “Christmas in July” present for the boss. Borshington Borshmores informs hit it’s August, but with TNA’s taping schedule, it may have actually been recorded in December, so who knows.


Rhino comes out to a big pop, as crowd plants (you can tell who they are because they’re way too hot and pump their fists while looking at the crowd) wave their arms in the air like they’re just not concerned. Rhino FIERCLY explains the rules of Falls Count Anywhere, such as “I can piledrive Monty brown this announce table, or Gore Samoa Joe across the LAX border, or throw a flower pot at a registration desk!” Ok, maybe not the last one, but it’s my job to make this rant funnier than the actual show, so get off my back. Anywho, as Rhino heads to the concession stand (huh?), Monty Brown in an irrefutably homosexual gold shirt attacks. Of course, this leads to Samoa Joe coming in and attacking. We have a 3 way pull apart brawl, which reminds me of the last time my mother tried to stop me from masturbating with two hands.


Tenay & “DW” (not this ) talk, but I don’t pay attention for West’s shirt & tie are SO RIDICULOUSLY PEACH. If I wasn’t lazy, I’d find a picture of it. Point is, I think West & I should star in a new film, “James and The Giant Peach 2: Peachy Keen!” Oh, they pimp one of the many Sting videos they’re showing tonight, hyping his match with Jarrett at the PPV. There’s gonna be so many of these videos, I’ve decided that instead of recapping those, I’ll offer you poorly-done drawings of various animals I did on paint. Therefor, I present: THE WALRUS!



Kevin Nash, Alex Shelley, and X-Pac Paul Roma Johnny Devine VS Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt


Dutt takes down Shelley with a leg scissors (not this ), and follows that up with some jumpy-jumpy-I’m-barely-hitting-you-but-pretend-it-hurts-ok-? Offence. Dutt tags Sabin, Shelley tags Nash. The crowd begins to stir (is that good build to a PPV match, or just dubbed in crowd noise? You decide. And by you, I mean me. And I decide it’s fake. So, uh, ignore these parentheses by and large.) but Nash has “something in his eye” (Probably Torrie Wilson’s squish mitten) and tags Devine. Sabin takes him down, and we go to commercial.


I know everyone mentions it, but TNA really has to stop putting so many commercials in matches.. I mean, they hype themselves as a wrestling promotion, instead of Sports Entertainment, yet they give all this time to hype videos, interviews, and skits? Watching TNA reminds me a lot of Mad TV: The performers might be talented, and the writing might be better, but there’s still a noticeable difference between it and Saturday Night Live. Now, if only WWE would have skits of Mark Henry banging a cowbell…


We’re back, and Devine eats a double Russian leg sweep. The Russian leg sweep is a pet peeve of mine… both guys appear to take the same damage, yet one hops up like his coach just told him to get onto the baseball field, and the other rolls around like he’s the kid who just got conked in the head with the ball. Oh, and as an aside, Johnny Devine reminds me a hell of a lot of Owen Hart, just in appearance and what little wrestling I’ve seen from him. I could make a heartless ‘scaffolding match’ joke, but I’m a classy dude.


As the in ring action continues, Brother Runt is in the rafters, with a sign promising Hard Justice tonight. Seeing as I don’t get to talk about TNA often, I think it’s fair for me to go off right now.


BROTHER RUNT? BROTHER FUCKING RUNT?! That’s like naming your:


-Restaurant “Over-priced slop”

-Escort Service “Grannies & Gummers”

-Daughter “Classic Boring Librarian”

-Dog “stupid dumb shit god damn mother fucker”

-Country “The Republic of PLEASE ATTACK US”


Anyways. Double team rib breaker/dropkick by Nash/Shelley, and Shelley follows up with an Organized Crime of Asian Influence kick. Lethal shoves Shelley off the top, then lands a nice leg heel kick from the top, shades of every other indy wrestler under 230 lbs. Oh, and is it just me, or does the name “Jay Lethal” suit someone like Sonny Siaki a little more? No?


Devine & Dutt get the tag, and Dutt brings down the taller Nash with a couple of dropkicks (An east Indian bringing down a tall and recognizable figure? WELL I NEVER!), but Devine takes him down. Blind tag by Sabin, as Dutt hit the ropes. As Dutt ran across the ring, he jumps over the top and nailed Shelley with a half assed punch/forearm/plancha/something he clearly didn’t think through. Sabin in, reverses a tiger bomb, and lands the Cradle Shock (which is a Fireman’s Carry into Michinoku Driver, for all you kids who never bothered to care) for the 3 count.


Winners: Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt


We get another Sting video, but instead, I present to you: THE pterodactyl



Backstage, Larry Zbysko, with a HILARIOUS (read: gah, this angle was so much better when everyone else did it) rug adds Jay “Not Quite” Lethal to the Senshi VS Petey Williams X-division title match. Senshi VS Lethal VS Petey, eh? Sounds like 2 characters from Street Fighter against a Grade 3 bully. (If TNA had the presence of mine to actually book such a match, they’d instantly be cool. But alas.) ANYWAYS. Slick Johnson – who’s name is impossible to make fun of – utters perhaps the worst line since I sold that guy a baggie of salt, with “Hey Larry. Toupee or not toupee?” He then cackles like the Ritalin has worn off long ago, as we go to commercial.


It’s worth mentioning that Spike TV sucks. They’re running the same god damn commercials for a horror flick I never heard of, 2 UFC spots, and a Bond marathon, on every break. Thank goodness WWE got onto USA, where they get pre-empted for a dog show!


“The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels VS Homicide


The LAX intro is without a doubt the best in TNA… But I think Daniels could do with a make over. Think about it… he’s a “Fallen Angel”… therefore, he randomly falls from the rafters, pats his back, noticing that something is missing, then immediately stars in a Film titled “Phenomenon”.


ATTENTION! I am going to offer two recaps to this match. One is what actually happened, and two is what would have been awesome.


Real: Trading reversals at the start, Daniels with arm drag, heel kick, then a nasty looking curb stomp.


Awesome: Homicide asks for a 6, and Daniels says “go fish”.


Real: Homicide takes control after a distraction when he threw a chair in, and lands a  leaping reverse elbow. Homicide lands 2 rolling verticals, then ending in a falcon arrow. 


Awesome: Daniels drew Scissors, Homicide drew dynamite.


Real: Homicide up top, Daniels cuts him off. Homicide takes the flair throw off the top. Brother Runt is in the crowd, with another sign.


Awesome: Homicide says “Red Rover, Red Rover, please send the former Spike Dudley over!”, to which Daniels groans and obliges.


Real: Daniels rams Homicide in the turnbuckle, then transitions smoothly into a nice STO for 2. Homicide reverses the blue thunder driver into a nice diamond cutter for 2.


Awesome: Daniels counts to sixty, as Homicide ducks behind the dryer in the basement, and puts a blanket over himself.


Real: Daniels shoves Homicide off from a superplex position, jumps down, can’t land the Angels wings, but lands a Flatliner into the Koji clutch.


Awesome: Daniels says “Mr. Plum, in the Ball room, with the rope”, and Homicide looks on in fear.


Real: Konnan distracts the referee, while Homicide taps. Hernadez comes in with overhear choke toss, which the announcers call the Cracker Jack. Homicide gets the pin.


Awesome: Homicide rolls his third double in a row, but uses his get out of jail free card that he stole earlier in the game, and then rolls a ten to land on free parking.


Winner: Homicide


After the match, the LAX beat on Daniels some more, but J Styles with a  neck brace runs out with a chair, wallops a few border hoppers, and then tosses his neck brace to the ground violently. FUCK CHIROPRACTY, I GOTSTA DO MY FLIPS YALL.


We get another Sting video, but you guys get A LION!



Abyss VS Shark Boy


Runt sign: Why wait until Sunday? Go to church TODAY! (Alright, so the last part isn’t true. You should never go to church.)


Sharky tries to attack Abyss, but Abyss sells that about as much as a mute dirt sand salesman to an Australian.  Black Hole Slam. One, Two, Three. Yep.


Winner: Abyss


James Mitchell gets on the mic and says: “Runt, you think you’re a regular Eddie Murphy.” If so, he’d grab a mic and do some really great stand up comedy, but then follow it up with some of the worst films of all time, and end up selling crack at b-list Hollywood parties. Abyss comes after Runt (who, by the way, was sitting on the top of a ladder on the stage for no apparent reason), who climbs to the top of the iMPACT! ZONE~!!!1, and launches a nice cross body, from about 18 feet in the air. I’d buy it if, you know, Matt Hyson didn’t weight 140 lbs. The two brawl into the ring, where Abyss tries to chokeslam Runt, bites out of it. Raven looks on from the crowd, just to add another layer to this already odd segment. Runt escapes a military press, and lands the Acid Drop, which is called as such. I got nothing funny to say.


Sting video? BOO. Dolphin? YAY!



Back from the break, and we get the Hard Justice run down, and, you guessed it, a Sting video. BUT YOU GET AN OSTRICH!



Backstage, Eric Young gives Jim Cornette some Wendy’s Hamburgers (seriously), booze (double seriously), and a monogrammed Tennis racket & cover. Eric says they’re “Real diamonds!”, despite the fact that they’re clearly pink sequins. Cornettes hates the gifts (though he did mention that Wendy’s makes delicious hamburgers, which just came across as odd), and gives Eric a match with Johnny Devine at Hard Justice, giving him a pep talk while doing so. TNA is good at kitchy humor, but this segment kinda fell flat. (not this)


Scott Steiner VS Christian Cage


As the guys make their introductions, Don West says the reason TNA can’t move forward is because of Jeff Jarrett. For once, TRUTH IN WRESTLING.


Brawling starts us off, and continues for a little too long, until Steiner shoves Christian off a monkey flip attempt. More brawling, and then we get out first blown spot of the match when Steiner tries to dump Cage to the outside, but Steiner doesn’t understand the concept of “over the top rope” Cage basically scampered over himself and tried to make it look as good as he could. Since I noticed it, it obviously wasn’t enough. </dick>


Commercial break time! Say, here’s an idea, guys. Less Slick Johnson, more TV match time. It’s crazy, but it might just work.


We’re back, and Steiner lands a Belly-to-Belly of complete and utter incompetence. Christian fights back with strikes, flying forearm, and a falling reverse DDT. Tenay incorrectly calls it an Inverted DDT, which pisses me off because I thought Tenay was supposed to know his shit. Christian drop toe holds Steiner on the second rope, bounces off the ropes, for the, umm, whatever the hell Jericho use to do that Christian stole. Steiner is slow to get up and is late delivering and overhead belly to belly, and it looks kinda poor. Christian goes up top, Steiner cuts him off and lands a Super Samoan drop. Scotty locks in the Recliner, but Christian bites out of it. Cage goes for the Unprettier, but Jarrett in, and the mass confusion runs amok.


Winner: No Contest


Jarrett & Steiner beat on Christian, and Jarrett performs the ULTIMATE INSULT by using his opponent’s finisher on a fallen foe (i.e., the scorpion deathlock on Christian.  I could have just said that, but I wanted to sound like Michael Cole.) The lights go out, and when they’re back on, Sting is in the ring and has the Deathlock on Jarrett now. Sting cleans house, Christian hands Sting the belt, hugs him, raises his hand. Now, I want to mention that I think Christian is gonna turn heel at the PPV, but that would make me:



Show highlight: Probably the Daniels/Homicide match. Both guys can go, and I like how they’re making the LAX a threat (and really making Homicide look good out there, too).


Show lowlight: A WWE Style main event. Nothing in this match couldn’t be seen form a midcard Smackdown match, and I blame Steiner & the booking team. Scotty shouldn’t be wrestling many singles matches, and the bookers should be putting Christian against guys he can excel with, not have to carry. The ending was way too WWE for my liking as well.


Overall show thoughts: Well, it’s an alternative. TNA’s strength lies within it’s undercard, and when given the time (ie, on PPV), TNA is a better promotion that the WWE. However, when half of your one hour show is built around your PPV main event that no one really wants to see, it makes for dull TV. Luckily, TNA’s bright spots (Shelly, Nash, Eric Young, Daniels/AJ, Homicide, Cornette, Abyss/Mitchell) all came through tonight and made this show entertaining when it was on. Thumbs up for these guys, thumbs down for all the Sting/Jarrett shit.

Send feedback to James Walker  

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).