Hello there, faithful followers,  to another dosage of my black, black might. And yes, that IS the line I use to pick up chicks. That and 'A Pearl Necklace' would go PERFECT with that outfit!’. I’m a charmer really.
 
Anyways, I am the latest to take on the task of Terrific TNA…something else that begins with T, walking in the paths that my predecessors Sean and Remy have already tread. Damn, I already got soul, brutha. Speaking of which, I’ve racked my brains thinking up a nice Ebonic title for my TNA visit. The ideas have ranged from ‘TNAfro-Caribbean Recap’, ‘TNAWW HELLS NAW’, but I eventually decided on ‘TNA: CARJACKED!’ so on with the show!
 
James Gang are backstage with Eric Young as Borash approaches them. Basically, the Gang declare that they like Eric so they will be including him as their partner. Isn’t the fact that he’s not called ‘James’ a problem?
 
Runt is backstage brawling with Abyss. Mitchell gives the latter a chair, but he misses the shot and Runt capitalises by hitting Abyss over the head with it. The fight then spills into the ring, where Abyss manages to eliminate Runt with a Black Hole Slam, as Security come out to help Runt out of the ring. I know these guys are eager but man, at least wait for your match to be announced before duking it out. Perhaps Runt got pissed off when Abyss claimed he was ‘pound for pound the biggest pussy I have ever met’. No? Ah to hell with it.
 
First match is next:
 

Petey Williams vs. Johnny Devine vs. Sharkboy vs. Sonjay Dutt
 
Sharkboy? Are you serious? In terms of bad names, that’s only one step above ‘Choir boy’. Deary me. Anyways, Nash, aka your future X-Division champion if God exists, is watching from afar with Shelley. Devine kicks Sonjay Dutt’s gut (I demand to rhyme that name whenever possible) as Sharkboy mysteriously piledrives himself as Petey takes the pin.
 
What did I gain from this match? - Why on Earth did Sharkboy do that? Canadian what?
 
Backstage Borash is with Runt, who was once punt during a stunt and ended up shunt by a blunt object into a woman’s…car. Ugh, I’ve gotta stop doing these recaps whilst drunk. He basically calls out Abyss anytime any place.
 
Cage comes out for a promo. He gets the mic and he says he appreciates the fans chanting his name but tonight he doesn’t deserve it. He claims to be out apologising to Sting for the last couple of months. He didn’t mean to kill that Rainforest. It was self-defence. Ha, and you thought Sean made all the possible ‘Sting’ jokes. Anyway, he claims he doubted Sting, and his reasons for joining TNA, but then realised that Sting wanted to make TNA the best promotion in the world. Here’s where the promo picks up. He then says that Sting wants to pave the way for guys like him, by getting rid of the cancer. He didn’t see it at the time due to his own selfishness and worrying about his own agenda. He claims he asked Cornette if he could be in Sting’s corner at Hard Justice, but he needs Sting’s approval. I must say, that was definitely an above decent promo.
 
Sting appears on the rafters and tells Cage TNA is already the best promotion, but he will get back to him on being in his corner soon. He is just concerned for the moment with ridding the cancer.
 
A video package then airs with Jarrett claiming everyone is in cahoots to oust him from TNA and if he loses, he may have no choice but to leave. I’m sure the petition signatures will be in the thousands if that happens, dude.
 
James Gang & Eric Young vs. America’s Most Wanted & A-1 Ralphz
 
Nice touch with Young, claiming he hails from ‘an undisclosed location’ so he can’t be sent a pink slip. Stupid DX reference as Kip says ‘I got three words for ya…Don’t fire Eric!’
 
The match kinda breaks down from the get go, and the finish comes when Eric rolls up A-1 after the James Gang dropkick him.
 
What did I gain from this match? - I got two words for you, too. Kip. Bitter Much?

Greetings ladies and gents, and welcome to my last recap. It’s been a fun way of motivating me to learn about TNA, but I feel it’s done what I intended. I love TNA now, and will admit that I probably wouldn’t watch it if I hadn’t started recapping and found it to be a great company. That said, having a weekly deadline is definitely a commitment, and one that has become very difficult for me to maintain. I do not want these to be a chore, and I don’t want them to be half-assed. On top of all that, I would like to get back to writing in a more creative manner.

Now enough of that business, let’s get on with the TNA stuff.

Apparently, Spike TV is happy with TNA. Impact has maintained decent ratings, not to mention that some of Spike’s other shows haven’t lived up to expectations. It appears as though we could see TNA benefit from this, hopefully getting more TV time or a better time slot, but that’s just speculation on my part.

So with that good news, let’s get on with the show!

Rhino is here to kick off Impact, holding a red mystery bag in the ring. This is a very heartfelt promo by Rhino where he claims that Vince offered him a new contract with WWE but that Rhino basically told him to fuck off. He’s not too happy about the resurgence of ECW either, and says it’s not the real deal without the last heavyweight champion in ECW history: him.

Rhino takes the bag and leaves the ring as the cameras follow him to the parking lot. Once there, Rhino throws the ECW heavyweight title into the trash and then proceeds to light it on fire. Rhino’s hot right now, and so is the crowd … goes without saying so is the title.

Taped Segment

James Mitchell reveals why Abyss sided with the James Gang. Money. What, you didn’t expect a beast with a mask to be less shallow, did you?

Abyss vs. Norman Smiley:

Squash. Abyss wins with Black Hole Slam and that’s it. Not even a big wiggle, just like last time Norman did the job.

The James Gang is out after the match. They want to make sure that Abyss won’t turn on them. Mitchell reassures them and they go masturbate to old DX footage, all the while reminding themselves how much better it is than this new crap on TV. You can take that anyway you like, folks.

Taped Segment

Another vignette for the Naturals. They’re taking on Diamonds in the Rough at the PPV to get that hot streak started.

Taped Segment

Styles and Daniels comment on taking the Gail Kim issue in their own hands, and also inform us that Ms. Amazon’s name is Sirelda. Would be more funny if her name was Sam, or some other bi-gender name, if you ask me.

Senshi  vs. Jerrelle Clark:

Talk about bait and switch! Superman’s father, Marlon Brando, isn’t even in this match.

Anyway, it’s another squash. Senshi wins with a Double Stomp, and another piece of Krypton dies forever.

Side Note

Throughout the show they’ve got taped segments from Christian, Jarrett, Steiner, and Sting. Not surprisingly, they all think they’re going to win or accomplish what they want to accomplish, yadda yadda.

Taped Segment

Paparazzi Productions is here and Mr. Devine has jumped on the bandwagon. They’re going global or some shit. Not a very important segment.

A.J. Styles & Christopher Daniels  vs. Alex Shelley & Johnny Devine:

Pretty much the third squash in a row. Not a terribly great way to build for a PPV or keep me on the edge of my seat. Still, way the fuck better than a 20 minute Diva Search segment. Or anything to do with Khali and/or Henry and … well, you get the idea.

Sirelda stops Shelley from interfering with his tripod, allowing Styles to hit the Clash.

Gail and AMW attack after the match. They manage to handcuff Daniels to the ropes and Storm nails a really mean looking Super Kick on Styles. AMW looking dominant heading to the PPV? Sure sign they’ll lose.

Taped Segment

Larry vs. Raven is hyped.

Main event is coming up next and there’s a brief bit with Team Canada prior to things getting underway. The gist is that Eric Young is in the dog house, but Team Canada is determined to get one over on Cornette.

Team 3-D & Rhino & Jay Lethal vs. Team Canada:

Okay, so there are some important stips to this match. Firstly, if Team Canada loses, they’re disbanded. Once again Cornette has gone back on a decision and made himself look like a pussy. Secondly, the winner of the match gets a shot at the title of his choosing, including the heavyweight. Now, who in their right fucking mind would choose any other title? While it makes the other belts seem valuable, it devalues the heavyweight title. Silly.

Typical tag fare. Nothing against Team 3-D, but they definitely work a slower style, so this match is lacking quick action and high spots. So, the important stuff:

Things look good for 3-D after they hit a 3D. Bobby Roode tries to break it up, but gets a Bubba Bomb for his troubles. A1 is in and manages to turn the tide, and shortly thereafter, D’Amore is in too. Runt comes to counter D’Amore, and hits the Acid Drop. Rhino’s in next and Gores A1, allowing Jay Lethal to hit a flying head-butt and get the pin, as Rhino calmly stands and watches.

Okay, anyone see a problem with this? Rhino does the work and then stands back and willingly lets Jay Lethal get the title shot? This is the kind of logic that makes TNA look bushleague.

Also, Team Canada is no more. Kind of sad, but it opens up some great possibilities as well.

I wish this had been a better Impact for my final recap, but that’s the way it goes. It has been a lot of fun overall, and I am a bit sad to see it go. Hopefully through my tenure as Impact recapper, however, I have turned many of you on to the wonderful product that TNA puts forth. So with that, best of luck to whomever comes along to pick up the slack on these recaps. Cheers,

Remy

Welcome, friends, foes, and wannabe Joes, to the latest iMPACT recap! Unfortunately Remy couldn’t make it due to an unfortunate incident involving a gunman, and Remy throwing himself in front of an innocent citizen! I mean, he just did it so he could snatch her handbag, but there you go, he got a bullet wound to the urethra for his trouble either way. Shame on you Remy!

Anyway, Welcome to the Lowdown on TN-…wait, that doesn’t work does it? Ah to hell with it, let’s get on with the show.

Backstage, we’re outside Sting’s locker room and JB is there. Cage arrives and thinks accuses JB of having a man-crush on him. HA. Awesome.   He then says that he was just gonna let Sting know that they may be opponents at Victory Road, but they’re partners tonight. Basically the standard wrestling angle ‘OH NOES CAN THEY CO-EXIST?!’. They do it all the time, like with Taker/Angle on SD, or a baby and an electrical outlet.

We’re in the Impact Zone, and I’m not yelling it because Tenay isn’t. Gods be praised! Let’s get straight to the first match:

Sonjay Dutt vs. Homicide w/ Konnan and Hernandez

Homicide, eh? Not a name I imagine to be very popular with the ladies. Kinda like ‘Remy’ Paha, as if I can talk. Anyways, nice fast encounter here, with Homicide going right after Dutt but Dutt (ha, those words rhymed) coming back with an offence. This leads to Homicide leaping through the ropes but hitting Hernandez by mistake, which is followed by a sweet dive from Dutt onto the two men. Hernandez however gets up to trip Dutt as he re-enters the ring, and Homicide takes advantage, hitting an awesome top rope snap suplex, and a powerbomb for the two.  Dutt however manages to comeback again and hits a moonsault for a nearfall, and another two count from Homicide follows after hitting Dutt with a Cutter. He went for his finisher, the Killah, but Dutt flips over him and slams him into the mat.

 Konnan then distracts the ref however, allowing Hernandez to hit an overhead suplex on Dutt. Personally I woulda used a chair but I guess that’s too sports entertainment…y. Homicide covers for three, but another Ref (Slick Johnson) runs out and tells the original ref what happened, so the decision was reversed. Now why don’t refs do this with EVERY match that doesn’t go clean?

Winner: Sonjay Dutt

What did I gain from this match? So apparently the Killah used to be called the Cop Killah. (As opposed to Cake Killah a la James Walker)

Post match LAX attacks Sonjay but Ron Killings comes in for the save.

Larry Zyb..Zys..Zybby…Larry complains to Slick, who responds by saying he’ll look great..bald? Whuh? I get the feeling I’m missing something here.

Tenay then pimps the stipulations of next week’s main event, that being Team Canada vs. Rhino, Jay Lethal and Team 3D, the stip being that if Team Canada lose, they must disband. If they win, they get to stay together. Man, imagine if wars were like that. Germans would be all over the place. Kinda like a James Walker Recap. West then says that the winner of the fall then gets to choose his title match.

Eric Young then runs out and says he’s worried about losing his job, which Tenay says he won’t, and it could be a ‘win-win’ situation for him, which Young replies with ‘I never win’ Eeeeemo. Slick is back out and is handing out photos of a bald Larry Z. Young asks Slick for help, but Slick says he only will if Young helps hand out the photos, and he agrees. Team Canada are out, who give a bollocking to Young, who retreats up the ramp. Let me tell you as a non-regular viewer, that was some weird-ass shit for me to recap.

Anyways, a Rhino promo is now on and my God it was fucking AWESOME. He bashes WWE, saying that his heart is in TNA, because they don’t hand him scripts, and they won’t fire him for throwing a flower pot. (Just add any ‘fucks’ where you see fit, the guy was PISSED). He then adds that the company that fired him last year wanted to rehire him, but he wasn’t interested, he wasn’t in it for the money, he’s not an actor, he’s a wrestler, and he wants to make a difference. On a completely serious note, that was an absolutely brilliant promo.

Monty Brown vs. Kenny King

Alright, back to being a wise-ass. A squash match ensues, with Brown annihilating MISTUUUUUH…KEN-EH-KIIING. Ah fuck you, I laughed.

What did I gain from this match? – I wonder if black people care about George Bush?

Post match Brown is on the mic, and says Hunting Season is officially open. Awesome! I’ll grab the crossbow, you direct me to the nearest Greenday concert. Oh, he meant…never mind. He then says an amusing line about how Samoa Joe paddles out his winning streak by getting easy wins. He then calls out Double J, Sting, Rhino, Cage and Steiner, saying they will all fall to the Pounce.

JB is interviewing JJ in the back, who says there isn’t enough room in TNA for both him and Sting. Hey, he put on a little weight but there’s no need to be mean. Plus those arenas are kinda small. Anyways, he follows up with a promise that Cage and Sting will be taken out. JB then stirs it up though, by mentioning that if they’re taken out, and Steiner beats Joe, Steiner will have to face Jarrett. Jarrett simply tells him to not drive a wedge like Cornette does.

A video segment airs now with Nash and Shelley, and Johnny Devine. Nash gives a Humiliation 101, claiming if you put an opponent in a bodybag, it symbolises the death of their career. Is this a shoot on Khali? If so, Nash could at least follow up with ‘man, guys getting pushed just ‘cause they’re 7 foot is bullshit’. Anyway he asks if Devine and Shelley are with him and they applaud.

They then come out to the ring with the bodybag with someone in it, and then Nash says ‘Ladies and Gentleman, President Bush…Osama Bin Laden!’ the hell? He then jokes that they are 25 million dollars richer, and then opens the bag to reveal Chris Sabin, or as Nash declares ‘Osama Bin Sabin’. HA. they then attack him, but Jay Lethal makes the save.

In the back, JB is now with Samoa Joe, who says people are foolish if they think Steiner can beat him. He adds that Sting WAS the man, but now he is the man. He also punks out Christian by saying he can whine all he wants but it wont help him win. He adds that it’s not about beating Steiner, it’s about hurting and humiliating him, and make Steiner’s kids cry. What, you don’t think having their dad as SCOTT STEINER makes them cry already? Deary me.

Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner vs. Sting and Christian Cage

Match starts out with a 4 man brawl on the outside, with Sting on Steiner and Jarrett on Cage. Cage and Sting get the advantage early on, with Sting putting on Steiner’s chainmail  and smacking Steiner. Back in the ring, Sting hits Steiner with a clothesline and tags in Cage, who helps Sting hit a double back elbow on Steiner.

Jarrett is in, who tries to hit a hurricanrana(??) but gets Powerbombed by Cage. He gets distracted by Steiner whilst punching Jarrett in the corner, though, allowing Jarrett to toss him to the floor. After the commercial Jarret works over Cage, with quick tags from the heels. Cage soon breaks a sleeper hold from Jarrett though and hits one of is own, but Jarret slams him on his back. After a double DDT on the heels from Cage, he gets the hot tag to Sting. Sting hits the Stinger Splash onto both Steiner and Jarrett at the same time, and gets the Scorpion Deathlock on Steiner, but gets a low blow by Jarrett, followed by a Stroke.

Christian prevents the cover though by pulling the ref out, and then throws Steiner into the ringpost and ends up on the top turnbuckle with Jarrett, before BITING him. Jarrett consequently falls back onto the mat, ends up getting hit with the Scorpion Death Drop, and there you have it. Sting gets the pin.

What did I gain from this match? – Erm…so, that Jarrett, huh? What a douchebag.

Post match Sting and Cage’s celebration is cut short after taking two belt shots from Steiner, who then slaps on the Recliner onto Cage. Samoa Joe then runs out and takes out Steiner, though, and Jarrett runs off, but gets caught by Sting who chases him. Joe and Steiner fight on the ramp, whilst Sting yells at Jarrett ‘YOU ARE CANCER’. Holy shit, an amateur Horoscope! I like the ending to this, with Cage left in the ring by himself, looking at the title.

End show.

What pleased me? – The promos, I felt were better than the matches tonight, especially Rhino’s. Utterly Priceless.

What pissed me off? – Like I said, the matches weren’t at all terrible, but seeing as the ringwork is TNA’s strong point, it’s a bit disappointing for the matches to be so average.

Well that’s all from me, Remy will be back next week, so don’t fret. This has been Joe, and you have been you. G’night everybody!