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April 02, 2006
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by Joe Merrick

Greetings, TNA...ites. Yes. Tonight, Joe Merrick jumps from the sinking ship known as WWE to fill in for Remy with this week’s TNA report. There was only so much HHH bashing the guy could take before reaching mental breakdown it seems. Couple that with his Lockdown Rant and I think the guy got knocked over the edge and DIED HORRIBLY. Luckily he survived and will be back next week, I assure you. And yes, being in TWF for so long does make you talk like Bacon to some degree.


Anyway, to be honest with you I’m not fully ‘into’ the TNA product so to speak, but at the same time don’t expect me to be shredding all over t he place. So let’s get started!


They show a nice little package (teehee) from Lockdown showing the highlights, as they do. Some dude with the shoddy Kane clone are talking about taking the belt off Christian Cage or…something. Hey cut me some slack, I’m trying to watch porn at the same time, you know.


Tenay and West welcome us and we are IN THE IMPACT ZOOOOONE. Abyss comes out with the Mitchell dude and Mitchell says Abyss survived and now holds the title. Captain Obvious couldn’t have said it better. He then issues an open challenge for the title, and the Man-Beast shows up. (Just happens to be Sean’s nickname for his penis, by the way.)



Rhino vs. Abyss w/Mitchell


Rhino starts off with the advantage, beating down on Abyss, but the tables soon turn and Rhino ends up getting a beating from Mitchell. Rhino gets up and charges Abyss but gets a blow job for his trouble. Oh, wait, scratch that, that was the porno. Abyss chokes Rhino whilst Mitchell yells instructions. This is followed up by Abyss scaring the bejebus out of the referee, which I’m not sure is what I heard Mitchell telling him to do but I suppose he’s gotta get his fun somewhere.


Some more slow beatings by Abyss until Rhino finally gets the upper hand again and hits a flying plant pot clothesline. Some elbows by Rhino but he gets caught in a chokeslam for 2. Match ends after Bobby Roode interferes and levels Rhino, leading to a Black Hole Slam for the pin.


What did I gain from this match? – Erm…nothing. Seriously, nothing. At all.


Cage comes out and spears Abyss, and beats him down as Mitchell sods off with the title. On the mic, Cage says ‘The peeps don’t want to see Shrek as their NWA champ’. HA. there’s a photoshop waiting to happen…..*waits*…..I said, ‘there’s a photoshop waiting to happen’….Oh fine, I’ll just keep writing then. Anyway, Christian challenges Abyss to a match with Tables, Ladders, Chairs, chains, tacks, and ‘full metal mayhem’. I suppose TLC matches might be copyrighted but did they really have to settle for TLCCTAFMM?


JB is with Jarrett, Steiner and those two divas I never cared about. Might be worth mentioning that Jarrett’s outfit managed to melt my eyes. The say Sting can have whatever partner he wants, so Sting appears and says he’s going to reveal it later. Could this be another debut of a washed up WCW has been? The suspense is killing me!


Alex Shelley then reveals he’s going to interview Nash, as Tenay and West speculate what Nash will have to say. Probably ‘let the nurse take my bedpan before we start.’


Word X Cup Match: Team USA (Sonjay Dutt and Alex Shelley) vs. Team Japan (Hirooki Goto and Minoru)


Quite good match here. Dutt and Minoru start off as D’amore and Petey Williams come down at ringside for commentary. Petey takes note of Dutt being taken down by Minoru. Although you’d think a wrestler wouldn’t have to write ‘Make the other guy fall down’ to remember would you. Match flows really well, with a nice spotthat features Shelley dropkicking AND hitting a senton on both members of Team Japan. Inventive, I gotta say. Match ends with Team USA winning after Dutt hits a flying press for 3.


What did I gain from this match? -  WWE needs something like this. Imagine Heidenreich coming back and leading a ‘Team Germany’. That’s just gold right there.


In the back, AJ reveals he has chosen Christopher Daniels to team with him for the tag titles against AMW. When Daniels asks why they should do it, AJ says he is the most prolific champ in TNA history and that Daniels held the X belt longer than anyone, so they’re gonna prove they r teh sex.


Samoa Joe vs. Jay Lethal – X Title match


Worth mentioning that before the match JB came in but got attacked by Raven then chased away. I don’t know why exactly it’s worth mentioning but I’m sure people who know who the fuck JB is will care.


Anyway, good match, but did anyone expect anything less? The second greatest Joe in the wrestling industry hits a flapjack on an airborne Lethal after a pretty one-sided affair so far on Joe’s part. The domination carries on until the end, where Joe hits the Muscle Buster for the pin


What did I gain from this match? – England Joe would be a less kickass name.


Steiner and JJ wait in the ring for Sting’s announcement. Sting says JJ has to make the choice out of Door Numbers 1 and 2. JJ mentions the fans have no choice here in what may have been a shoot. It turns int oan actual gameshow format as shitty music plays whilst Christy Hemme comes out to simply look hot. And it turns out that the two choices are Buff freaking Bagwell and Lex fucking Luger. So turns out my ‘washed up WCW guy’ prediction came around twofold. Lucky day. Anyway it finally ends when Steiner and Jarrett leg it out of the ring. Well that was pretty uneventful.


What pleased me? – Wellsir, some good matches of course and workrate-wise it certainly blows WWE out of the water, especially the World X Cup match


What pissed me off? – Bagwell AND Luger? It just boggles the mind, seriously.


Anyway, folks, thanks for joining me this week, Remy will be back next time with more of his TNA-interludy-rantness, and you can check me out at the Lowdown on Smackdown recaps. Have a good ‘un, people!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Remy's Tneh! Impact Report
by Remy


Remy here with a GREAT Impact to recap for you. I didn’t say a great recap OF Impact, however, just so you can’t sue me for false advertising. You can probably still sue me for stealing your kidney and leaving you in a bathtub full of ice though. Probably.

Team USA (Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal & Alex Shelley) vs. Team Canada:

We’ve got an eight man tag match to kick off the show. The hook is, Alex Shelley is on Team USA, but he’s buddies with Team Canada. He wants no part of the match, and repeatedly proves a hindrance to his own team. Jerry Lawler cries a bit because he couldn’t even get picked for a team. Of course, I’m talking about an elementary school dodgeball team. Last week.

During the match we have a small box in the bottom with Jerry Lynn where he announces that the new captain for Team USA is Chris Sabin. This match was back and forth with quick paced action in the ring. It wasn’t just one guy isolated in a corner for ¾ of the match like in the WWE. Great stuff.

A1 hits the pump handle slam on Jay Lethal. Not the best slam I’ve ever seen, but it gets the job done. Team Canada is your winner. The show started at 8 and this match finished around 8:20. Awesome to see a match that has enough ring time. 411 reports the match at 10 minutes though. I have to assume there was a temporal shift, and the USS Enterprise is going to have to travel back in time with a whale or something to fix this discrepancy or else the Borg will assimilate us all. Indeed.

Despite A1 winning this match, the rumour mill has it that Team Canada may change some members, including A1. What I want to know, however, is why it’s called the “rumour mill.” It just puts this picture in my head of some soap opera, but instead of models it stars farmers. “Pa, I done reckon I gots Darleen pregnant, but she ain’t even my cousin! This is awful.” It could be called As the Rumour Mill Turns.

Rhino, AJ Styles & Ron Killings vs. The Diamonds in the Rough:

And just like that, we are in to another match! Pretty convincing win by Sting’s pals here. The Stingerettes? Stingerites? Killings hits the ax kick on Elix Skipper and she’s done. I’m saddened there was no Styles Clash (named after Christian’s wardrobe?). Good match though, lots of fast paced action. But AJ could wrestle a dried up moldy orange (still more technical than Hogan … or is it Hogan?) and I’d be happy.

Backstage Segment

We’re in back with Larry Z, the living legend. He’s hyping Lockdown when a ref comes in named Slick Johnson. Now what I want to know is who names their kid that? It’s like his mom wanted him to be a sleaze ball! Slick talks about some “new guy” who’s coming in to TNA and hints that it has something to do with Raven. But really, guys come and go from TNA so often I don’t get why this is such a big deal.

Back in the Ring

Christian Cage is in the ring and he has a shocking announcement. He just watched Brokeback Mountain and LOVED it. At least, that’s what some folk would like you to believe. The kind of folk who focus on the shirt Christian’s wearing and decide to write a fashion critique about it. Because wrestling isn’t gay enough, apparently.

Anyway, Christian cuts a decent promo on Abyss which prompts Mitchell to cut a promo on Christian which leads to Abyss attacking Christian in the ring. They fight, security breaks it up, and Christian yells “I can’t quit you!”

Team 3-D vs. Jeff Jarrett & AMW:

Main event time, folks! Okay, so what’s important about this match? The Deadly’s hit all their classic moves. Runt does the stomp from the top rope, Devon hits his Whazzup (not to be confused with Ron Killing’s “Waz up waz up waz up waz up), and that’s about it. Jarrett hits the Stroke on Runt for the win after some interference from Team Canada. And the IWC lets out a collective sigh as Jarrett pins another.

And we’ve got a clusterfuck! It’s a damn ECW style full on locker room brawl. It’s actually a pretty decent way to finish off the show while managing to hype damn near much every match for the upcoming PPV.

That’s it for Impact this week, folks. They hyped Lockdown with a series of great matches with hardly any filler. Fantastic effort here, easily the best wrestling show of the week.

For those of you interested, Impact is, unfortunately, still struggling in the ratings. The UFC show preceding Impact got a 1.9, but Impact dropped to 0.9 (their typical Saturday rating), indicating that they did not manage to keep and UFC fans. It’s unfortunate news, especially considering what a solid show TNA put on.

Thanks for reading, folks. Here’s hoping that you’re all going to order Lockdown and show your support for TNA. If the ratings are to be trusted they could probably use it. Take care, and as always, I remain,


Bonus Segment

Just had to share something truly atrocious with you, my readers. I was sent these lyrics by a friend of mine who is a Psych major. She wrote a paper about slutty pop songs, so enjoy:
He was lookin
Said he wanna hook up
But she don’t wanna hook up
Told him, just go
And then she looked and said she wanna hook up
He really wanna hook up
Told him, let’s go
Those are actual lyrics from a Britney Spears song. I just thought I’d share those horrifying words with you. And we wonder why girls are fucked up nowadays.

Send Feedback to REMY

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

Remy's Tneh! Impact Report
by Remy


Hello ladies and gentleman, it’s time for the better-late-than-never-but-maybe-not TNeh Report! I’m sure some of you were hoping I wouldn’t come back anyway, since last week you were treated to a Bacon recap in my absence. And yes, what he said was true, my computer decided to die on me … just like that Vegas hooker I had to bury in the desert. However, this week’s lateness is not my fault! No, you can blame JOE for that. He gave me herpes.

So anyway, my little TNAinites, it’s time to get rolling with some TNA action … the only kind of TNA you’ll be getting any time soon … from me, Remy … a dude.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget that TNA airs on Thursday’s now. Which is great, because you’ll be fresh for it this week coming off my recap! But if you just can’t wait to get some TNA goodness, I have some fantastic news. I have a 10” penis. Oh, also, TNA, in a bid to compete with WWE.com, has now put videos up on their website. And by “on their website” I really mean … links to various youtube.com pages. No I’m not kidding, stop looking at me like that. And really, why are you staring at my crotch anyway?

Okay, time to get started! There’s three whole matches, so I better get started now so this recap doesn’t get HUGE (insert rolleyes emoticon). Also insert a me-fucking-your-mom emoticon too. Zing!

Impact starts with one of those matches already in progress!

Christopher Daniels vs. Samoa Joe:

Daniels is a bloody mess after a devastating Olay kick from Joe. I won’t pretend to know what that is, but if TNA is trying to milk Eddie’s death too, I’ll be pissed off. They make a note during the match that Lyger will NOT be at the PPV. Sorry for all of you who wanted to make your lame ass Napoleon Dynamite jokes. Don’t you know that Zoolander is the king of stupid movies?

Commercial break. I’m going to steal from several other recappers all at once right now with: what did I learn from these commercials? Well, apparently TV thinks I need tampons. And Clamato juice. I’m not sure what that means, but just picture it in your head. There is something gross about that somewhere.

Anyway, this is actually a fairly long match that sees tons of great action. It’s so awesome I nearly start masturbating to it. And by “nearly,” I mean … I did. Twice.

Now, shockingly (to me at least), Mr. Joe actually wins, to become the NEW X-division champion. He hit a “top rope island driver” for the victory. Now, I know I’ve left a lot out of what actually happened during the match, but it was so long, and so good, that the only way to do it justice is to actually see it. Maybe it will be on youtube so TNA can throw it up on their site. Seriously, that would be cool.

After the match, the lights go out, and Sabu’s music is on the speakers. Sabu himself doesn’t actually show up though. This makes me wonder, who played his music? Did Sabu phone in and tell them to do that? One of the great mysteries of wrestling.
"Hi this is Sabu."
"Sabu. You know, the wrestler?"
"Oh yeah, okay. How can I help you?"
"Well, I need you to play my music right after Samoa Joe wins the X-match."
"Hey, how do you know he's going to win."
"... Just do it."

Backstage now and JB is here. Sting’s return is hyped, and next thing you know, Sting is here! And just for anyone from lethal who might be reading this … OMG STOING! He makes some God comments and such, then says that HE will be HBK’s tag partner at Backlash. Well, maybe not, but I’m sure he’ll be praying for him at least. Silly Sting, doesn’t he know that wrestling is fake? Oh, and that God is chilling out with Santa and the Easter Bunny … in make believe land!

Now we have an interview with Christian “Carnivore” Cage. Just like the little known Schindler’s List 2: Hitler’s revenge, the tag line to this match will read: “this time it’s personal!”

Street Fight: AMW vs. Team 3D:

That’s right folks, a motherfucking street fight. On a show that’s already featured a hell of an X-division match and still has Sting’s in-ring return to come!

Team 3-D came close to winning, but Petey Williams interfered. Things are looking bad for Devon until … Spide Dudley who’s now Scott Deadly hits the acid drop on Roode!! The Dud’s hit a 3-D through a table on A1 (steak sauce?). Can’t say this was the best street fight I’ve ever seen, which is why I didn’t have much to say about it, but it has re-united the Deadly’s, except since this the last time they were all together they were the Dudley’s this is technically the first time all the “Deadly’s” have been together. Yay logic.

Jarrett in back for an interview. He calls himself the “King of Kings” and vows to bury RVD and Booker T. Oh wait, that bandwagon crashed and burned a year ago, and the driver DIED HORRIBLY. So ah, Jarrett starts to rap but only the girls seem to cheer for him? Okay, not really. But he does say Eric Young will be the one facing Sting tonight.

Sting vs. Mystery Opponent (Or the “I’ll laugh if it’s Kane like in every WWE match that has a mystery opponent” match):

Except they spoiled the surprised and told us it would be Eric Young. Way to ruin my joke, TNA! Sting picks up the win with the Scorpion Death Drop, but that shouldn’t be a huge shocker to anyone. Not really a fantastic match, but it was a big deal because it was his first TV match in five years. Maybe he shouldn’t have waited five years to face Eric Young. I mean, really, five years for that? I’ve waited that long to have sex before, and believe me, once you go that long, you don’t just settle for some fat chick offering a mercy fuck. Know what I mean?

Clusterfuck after the match! Jarrett’s guys run out to attack Sting, who is saved by AJ Styles, Rhino, and Ron Killings. Sting then informs everyone that they will be his teammates at Lockdown.

And that’s it for this week’s Impact. I have to say, it was far and away the best Impact I’ve recapped thus far. If this recap didn’t “shred” it as much as it usually does, that’s why.

Well folks, don’t forget to check out my latest Diatribe on the main page, where I tell you all about the day I met the one and only HTM! Also check out the NEW TWF Radio and James Walker’s great new piece. Take care, and as always, I remain,


Send Feedback to REMY

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.


by Canadian Bacon



Canadian Bacon


Hey Baconfans, I’m Bacon and this is Bacon. I will be filling in for the deposed Remo who normally types this Réport because apparently his Internet upped and died. Ridiculous. Serves you right for living in the Yukon of all places. My guess is the walrus that was running on a wheel that powered his hometown finally got loose from his harness and slipped back into his murky home waters of the arctic ocean. Silly Remy. Next time get a more reliable animal to produce the necessary power needed to allow you to read how infinitely better the Baconman is than you. Think about it.


Ok, then. Onto my first ever stab at Impact!


Tonight’s program comes from Orlando, Florida, of course named in honour of the bisexual Orlando Jordan. Heck, the arena is even called the Impact zone which is ironic because that’s what Jordan also calls his bum too. It all makes sense.


Abyss vs. AJ Styles.


I heard all about this Abyss for months but have to admit I was way off. Turns out Abyss isn't an aquatic extra-terrestrial species capable of dispersing its molecules, and in turn saving humankind from a nuclear catastrophe, but instead just a fat dude in a mask. Like he can resuscitate a half-drowned Ed Harris. As if.


Anyways, Styles attacks Abyss before the bell, and hits a nice dropkick followed up by a huricanrana which is Spanish for please stand still and let me flip you over with my legs while they’re wrapped around your head. Thank god they call it the Hurricanrana; a lot easier to type. Anyways after Abyss comes back with a press dealy into a flapjack, we get a commercial.


Bacon Commercial thought: Tag body spray doesn’t get me more chicks. It just creates a hybrid odor with my sweat, and girls always ask what smells like 5 day old roast beef with perfume on it. I usually say it’s my cousin Madison, though.


We’re back~! And Abyss is choking AJ unmerciful with his monstrous mukluk in the corner. Soon after, Jim Mitchell calls for the black-hole slam but thankfully AJ gets out of it by hitting the enziguiri. THANK GOD. The last thing this company needs is for a super nova to envelop the Earth from the inside out and destroy it completely. I suspect that’d set TNA booking back at least 2-3 weeks.


Anyways, AJ gets another enziguiri then goes for his Styles clash (not plaid pants and a tuxedo jacket, although that’s what I wore to prom and I thought it was mint) but Abyss escapes, and hits a torture rack backbreaker called the shock treatment. I’d love to see them do that to mental people to shake their demons. Save a lot of money on Hydro too. Anyways, Abyss gets a two count, and goes up top but misses a splash, allowing Styles to come back with a pele kick (which is kind of mean. What did Pele ever do to you?) then he goes up top, but Mitchell trips AJ, and Abyss presses him off the top. Mitchell then grabs a bag full of tacks. MAN. I know these guys don’t get paid much, but to expect them to go and hang a series of posters around the ring is just too much!!!!!!111 Cheap assed TNA! Anyways, before Abyss and Styles can get to hanging up the posters, Christian Cage runs in with a TIRE IRON and attacks Abyss. Man, it’s been a while since I worked at a garage, but I knows for a fact they frown on this type of behaviour.


Match result: No-contest. Even though they don’t say what kind of contest it was. I’m hoping it was a staring contest. I was always good at those.


***Christian Cage is now on the microphone. He accepts Abyss’s challenge for the NWA title at Lockdown in six sides of unforgiving steel. Unforgiving? Man, why does that cage have to be such a hard ass? Why can't it just let bygones be bygones?! Christian then asks, “are you willing to die? Because I am!” I myself would just want to climb outta the cage and keep my title. Someone really needs to sit Christian down and explain to him how these matches work. Sheesh.


***We see Jeremy Borash with Team 3D.


Anyways, they ask Borash if he’s a red blooded American, and he thankfully answers yes, thus ending the speculation that he’s really a Vulcan. They challenge Team Canada (Land that I love) to an Anthem match (Fact: National Anthems were created by namesake Arthur Anthem in the late 1930’s). Brother Ray then gives their version of the pledge of allegiance, and Devon finishes by yelling “Oh my brother, TESTIFY!”. It’s nice to see Devon pushing his brother to fulfill his civic duty and speak his piece in a court of law. What a patriot this Devon is.


*** Sting will WRESTLE this Thursday on IMPACT. Wow. Where does he get the time to compete, record music AND save the Rain Forest too????!!!


***Up next we have Konnan’s group, LAX, which I’m assuming is short for Laxative in honour of what the water does to your bowels in their home country of Mexico. From there, out comes Bullet Bob and the James Gang (BG and Kip, and not Bob’s younger brothers, 1800’s outlaws Frank & Jesse).


Bullet Bob Vs. Konnan: ARM-WRESTLING MATCH


What we have here is a good old fashioned arm wrestling match. But first, the referee ejects everyone else from ringside so not to ruin the credibility of a worked arm wrestling match between a grandfather and a crippled Mexican gangster. Good thinking. Anyways, Konan dominates at first, but Bob musta watched that Stallone movie and learned the super-secret thumb move known as the over-the-top which GUARANTEES victory. (The thumb is EVERYTHING.) However, before he can slam Konnan, here’s a man called Hernandez to break up the contest and attack Bullet Bob. Apparently his first name is “Hot Stuff”. His mom musta been super confident that he'd be handsome to name him that. Anyways, we get no decision here, but later find out that they will arm-wrestle AGAIN, but this time in a STEEL CAGE at Lockdown. There’s nowhere for your arm to run! Where’s your thumbs gonna go? We’ll FINALLY get a LEGIT winner. AWESOME.




***Jeremy Borash is backstage with D.O.A. (not Dead on Arrival, but considering his age, who knows?) Larry Zybysko. They say that at Lockdown Sabu will wrestle Samoa Joe and Chris Damiels will wrestle a LIGER! WOW. Talk about a fighting champion. It’d take a lot of money to get me to agree to wrestle a giant hybrid cat. Anyways, a referee called Slick Johnson (apparently he uses too much lube during lovemaking to earn a name like that) says he wants to referee, but Larry says…something? I don’t remember (or care.)


Diamonds in the Rough vs. Norman Smiley and Sharkboy.


Hey, aren’t diamonds in the rough really coal? Although it kinda explains why they get squashed so much. They’re hoping eventually they’ll be worth something!~ (I took Geocoloology in High School like 7 times; that’s how you make diamonds).


Anyways, before this match really gets under way, here’s Jeff Jarrett, America’s Most Wanted (Apparently high flying offense gets you on the F.B.I.’s hitlist! Look out Spanky And Paul London, YOU’RE NEXT! Justice NEVER RESTS!!!) and Scott Steiner with awesome Medieval times hat (they let you eat with your BARE HANDS there! AWESOME). Jarrett sits with the commentators, and Steiner and AMW destroy Smiley and Sharkboy (Where was Lava Girl for the save?). Scott Steiner then puts Smiley in the Steiner Recliner (or camel clutch) but neglects to fuck him the ass like the Iron Sheik boasts. What an amateur this guy is at teaching old country respect and destroying dignity through violent forced intercourse.


Anyways, Jarrett says TNA will continue to lose guys until they “sign Steiner”. Come on TNA! How hard is it to spell Steiner? I know you’re from Tennessee and thus are prolly a little illiterate, but come on. S-T-E-I-N-E-R. There you go; don’t say I never did anything not worth anything for ya!


Alex Shelley vs. Roderick Strong Vs. Chase Stevens: winner gets the final slot for Team USA in World X.


Wait. World X? Just what planet have these brave souls agreed to wrestle at the pay-per-view? I don’t know how keen I’d be to face a species of unknown aliens like that! (although, I don’t have a big bag full of backbreakers like Roderick Strong!).


Anyways, Stevens pulls out Strong to the arena floor to start, and barely avoids a Shelley diving attack over the ropes. Back in the ring, each man exchanges holds including a rolling kick, a BACKBREAKER by Roderick Strong, and a lionsault by Alex Shelley. Although to this day I’m not convinced such a cumbersome animal has the mobility to execute such an acrobatic move. Not even circus lions. Not even. From there, Shelly & Strong work over Chase. Strong then accidentally nails Alex when Stevens moves, and Stevens comes back with a cross-body on Strong. Shelly then tries to sneak in an off top rope move, but is caught and dropkicked off by Chase Stevens. Chase eventually gets an Alabama Slam on Strong but Shelley breaks up the pin. Strong then superplexes Stevens, but is blindsided by Alex Shelley who finishes with Sliced bread #2. Good choice there. The first piece of bread in the package is a bum, and it's always the last left in the bag because it's useless. Good thinking, Alex!


Winner: Alex Shelly and his video camera! Just like me he likes to secretly videotape women; but unlike me he never gets caught sweating profusely without pants in their bedroom closet. He’s a professional, I guess.


***Sting comes out next, in his face paint and thankfully not under his real identity, to talk about Jeff Jarrett and his team. I recently read somewhere Sting saying that the jesus now lives inside his heart, and at first I found it kinda hard to believe. I mean, I doubt our lord and saviour would fit! From all biblical accounts he has to be somewhere in the neighbourhood of six feet tall! Then, I remembered that he’s God and thus could prolly miraculously shrink himself down to microscopic size. Now why he’d choose Steve Borden’s chest cavity to conduct his spiritual business, I have no idea. Oh well.


Anyways, Sting says he loves wrestling, the fans, Spike TV and their delightful line-up of entertaining programming, but most of all he likes T&A. Hey, wait. Tits and Ass? I thought one of the rules of the church was to put your pornographic desires on the back burner? Oh well. 9/10 commandments is still admirable.


He then says that Jarrett and his cronies made him bitter and forced him to come back. He then proposes a match beyond. (They want to wrestle in another DIMENSION?) then says it’ll be a cage filled with WEAPONS… and not a steel cage surrounded by blood thirsty dogs, encompassed within a second cage. That would be SO cool. I’m surprised no one has ever tried that. It could change the business. Anyways, Sting says that Jarrett made a mistake telling him his team members, and this Thursday he’s calling him out. He then promises that anyone Jarrett sends after him, he’ll tear their legs off and rip out their hearts. Ok, 8/10 commandments. I stand corrected.


At this point, Jarrett comes out and not just because he wants more TV time and he and his team surround Sting, but here’s Ron Killings, AJ Styles, Chris Daniels and others out to defend Sting. And that’s it~!


Bacon’s Final Thoughts: My Balls are kind of itchy. But I’m afraid to scratch them because I have a phobia of puncturing my scrotum.


Ok, faggots, that’s it for this special (Better then Remy) Réport of TNA Impact. Oh, and btw, in case you haven’t heard, I won the Canadian lottery about 3 weeks ago and am now filthy rich (seriously). So next time you see me, I’ll prolly own this place. But until then, I’ll cya soon but prolly not.


bacon.jpgSend “Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank” Canadian Bacon mail here, or die from cancer of the assneck.



For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

Send Feedback to Canadian Bacon 

Remy's Tneh! Impact Report
by Remy


An hour long wrestling show with about five minutes of actual in-ring wrestling? It must be TNA: Impact! There are TWO whole fucking matches on this show, and we lose half of one match to commercials. You know what’s truly remarkable though? It’s still better than so much of WWE’s stuff (except Cena who I LOVE … … kidding!). I swear it seems like this show is getting shorter and shorter though. And I really don’t blame TNA for this either (I’m looking at you, US Secret Dept. of Weather Control). I’m sure TNA would like to have more TV time too. I mean, it’s not like they said, “hey, wait a minute, we don’t need two hours. One is fine.” Although, that is what I say to my girlfriends about sex. Except replace hours with minutes. Ah, uh, then replace minutes with seconds ….
Anyway, I’d like to give a shout out to James’ mom. Not for any particular reason, but just because I find it ridiculously funny that she reads this site. Good thing his dirty sex story is buried in a CMU, and not one of his regular columns. Oh, and I doubt she reads my recaps either. But still, it’s the thought that counts. Am I rambling? You bet I am. With two matches to recap I better throw in some fucking filler! And by filler I mean high quality humour and entertainment. Which, of course, is a fancy way of saying … filler. Right then, on with the show.
We’ve got some of Team Canada in the ring, and they’re going to sing the Canadian National Anthem:
“Oh Moose and maple syrup,
 We love you oh so much.
Whenever I am hungry,
I’m glad you are my lunch.
Drinking beer is a national sport,
Fucking American women our chief export!
I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!!!”
Well, that’s what I think our National Anthem should be, anyway. I would like to take full credit for composing that lovely song, I might add. And by credit, I mean blame. I just set Canadian stereotypes back 50 years. Yay me.
 Team 3-D is out now, and they object us having sex with their American women or something, so they attack Team Canada. But like typical American Pig-Dogs they get beat down. Stay tuned for my much anticipated Canadian Manifesto, in book stores this August! Of course, I’m kidding here, folks. I always found the “Canadian heel” bit to be silly. I mean, come on, we’re not fucking Arabs up here. There are Arabs here, but we’re not fucking them! Hey ooooh. Then again, I’m not fucking anyone …
I should mention that there was a sweet spot where Young does an elbow drop on D’von through a table. Once the beat down is over, Bubba gets a Canadian flag draped over him. D’Amore on the mic makes it clear that they do not respect Americans. That’s odd … beat downs are a clear sign of respect here in Canada …
Jarrett is here now to announce his team for the upcoming Lockdown PPV. For the math skills section he’s picked Einstein and Newton, but for the wrestling it’s going to be AMW and Steiner. They threaten Sting, and Steiner threatens everyone (unless he gets a contract, damnit!). I wish that worked in real life.
“Hire me as your CEO, give me a jet, and pay me assloads of cash.”
“Hey, you can’t just demand that from Microsoft!”
“Then I’ll beat you spindly geeks up until you give me what I want.”
“So, will you be wanting an office with a hot tub, boss?”
I wish. When I tried that last time they had fucking crazy ass robots chasing me down the street. And by crazy ass robots I mean … girl scouts. But come on, they ARE creepy.
America's Most Wanted vs. The James Gang:
We’ve finally got a match here, so you better fucking enjoy it. If you blinked (for three minutes) you’d have missed this one though. AMW’s going to pick up the win here in a match with deep ring psychology and meaning … ha! It’s too bad, because I really am a fan of AMW. BG James also made a comment about climbing Brokeback Mountain before the match. I could make a joke, but really, do I even have to? Anway, AMW wins after interference from Konnan, who nails Kip with a Slapjack. Not to be confused with Slapnuts. And if you think that joke was weak, well … you can go Brokeback Mountain yourself (couldn’t resist after all).
Six Sides of Steel is hyped. Sounds like the next razor from Gillette. They just keep adding more blades and touting that it’s better than its predecessor. Frankly, I think one day we’ll end up shaving with fucking swords.
And now we get a long ass segment from James Mitchell and Abyss. They go over the same footage that they showed last week, and promise to show the rest of what was filmed. Basically it’s a set up where Abyss jumps Christian at his home as Alex Shelley tapes it and Mitchell yells stuff. I’m glad there is some focus on Christian, but this whole bit was a huge waste of time. It set up some bad blood (tm Magic Johnson) decently enough, but it just felt like it ran too long when they could have had some, you know, wrestling instead. TNA’s gotta be careful they don’t fall into infomercial status.
The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal SABU is hyped for the Lockdown PPV. God, if I wasn’t at school right now I’d buy the PPV just for this match alone.

Alex Shelley vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Samoa Joe vs. Chris Sabin:
This is for a shot at the X-Division title, and it’s set to be a great match. But … then half the fucking match is gutted by commercials. 8 minutes of match with 5 of those minutes being commercials. I really want to like TNA, but someone has got to justify this to me, reasonably. Not everyone can order the damn PPV’s. Samoa Joe picks up the win here, hitting the Muscle Buster on Sonjay Dutt. Wasn’t Zybsko going on about how there were bigger things in store for Joe than the X-division? And now he’s the number one contender for the X-title. Ooookay. After the match, Joe gets in Daniels face (who was on commentary for the match), and the two brawl. They’re broken up by security but still try to kill one another. Decent stuff there.
Jarrett and cronies are out next and they’re calling on Sting. The lights go out, and it’s UNDERTAKER! Or … Rhino and the James Gang. Dutt, Lethal, Sabin, and the Phenomenal AJ Styles show up as well, looking for a piece of the action. Looks like all hell’s about to break loose as … the lights go out again. In the back we hear Zybsko bitching about paying the electric bill. Now Sting shows up. The other faces lend their support, and the show closes with the good guys in the ring, having ousted the baddies.
So this was the second or third week in a row where there was no in-ring action from AJ Styles. I’m sorely disappointed by that. He’s a huge part of why I wanted to get into TNA in the first place.
And that’s it, folks. Another TNeh Report in the bag. Send me e-mails or stop by the forums, but let me know what you thought of the recap, and feel free to shoot the shit about TNA. I’m sure some people are just dying to inform me of all the TNA tidbits that I’m ignorant about. Also check out the main page, it always has great stuff up there, including Sean’s huge Wrestlemania Rant. Judging from the results of that PPV, you know Sean’s take has got to be interesting! And next week I’ve got a brand new Diatribe, where I share with you the day I got to meet the Honky Tonk Man. Take care, and as always, I remain,

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Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).