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by Canadian Bacon

(04/10/06)

Canadian Bacon

Hey Baconfans, I’m Bacon and this is Bacon. I will be filling in for the deposed Remo who normally types this Réport because apparently his Internet upped and died. Ridiculous. Serves you right for living in the Yukon of all places. My guess is the walrus that was running on a wheel that powered his hometown finally got loose from his harness and slipped back into his murky home waters of the arctic ocean. Silly Remy. Next time get a more reliable animal to produce the necessary power needed to allow you to read how infinitely better the Baconman is than you. Think about it.

Ok, then. Onto my first ever stab at Impact!

Tonight’s program comes from Orlando, Florida, of course named in honour of the bisexual Orlando Jordan. Heck, the arena is even called the Impact zone which is ironic because that’s what Jordan also calls his bum too. It all makes sense.

Abyss vs. AJ Styles.

I heard all about this Abyss for months but have to admit I was way off. Turns out Abyss isn't an aquatic extra-terrestrial species capable of dispersing its molecules, and in turn saving humankind from a nuclear catastrophe, but instead just a fat dude in a mask. Like he can resuscitate a half-drowned Ed Harris. As if.

Anyways, Styles attacks Abyss before the bell, and hits a nice dropkick followed up by a huricanrana which is Spanish for please stand still and let me flip you over with my legs while they’re wrapped around your head. Thank god they call it the Hurricanrana; a lot easier to type. Anyways after Abyss comes back with a press dealy into a flapjack, we get a commercial.

Bacon Commercial thought: Tag body spray doesn’t get me more chicks. It just creates a hybrid odor with my sweat, and girls always ask what smells like 5 day old roast beef with perfume on it. I usually say it’s my cousin Madison, though.

We’re back~! And Abyss is choking AJ unmerciful with his monstrous mukluk in the corner. Soon after, Jim Mitchell calls for the black-hole slam but thankfully AJ gets out of it by hitting the enziguiri. THANK GOD. The last thing this company needs is for a super nova to envelop the Earth from the inside out and destroy it completely. I suspect that’d set TNA booking back at least 2-3 weeks.

Anyways, AJ gets another enziguiri then goes for his Styles clash (not plaid pants and a tuxedo jacket, although that’s what I wore to prom and I thought it was mint) but Abyss escapes, and hits a torture rack backbreaker called the shock treatment. I’d love to see them do that to mental people to shake their demons. Save a lot of money on Hydro too. Anyways, Abyss gets a two count, and goes up top but misses a splash, allowing Styles to come back with a pele kick (which is kind of mean. What did Pele ever do to you?) then he goes up top, but Mitchell trips AJ, and Abyss presses him off the top. Mitchell then grabs a bag full of tacks. MAN. I know these guys don’t get paid much, but to expect them to go and hang a series of posters around the ring is just too much!!!!!!111 Cheap assed TNA! Anyways, before Abyss and Styles can get to hanging up the posters, Christian Cage runs in with a TIRE IRON and attacks Abyss. Man, it’s been a while since I worked at a garage, but I knows for a fact they frown on this type of behaviour.

Match result: No-contest. Even though they don’t say what kind of contest it was. I’m hoping it was a staring contest. I was always good at those.

***Christian Cage is now on the microphone. He accepts Abyss’s challenge for the NWA title at Lockdown in six sides of unforgiving steel. Unforgiving? Man, why does that cage have to be such a hard ass? Why can't it just let bygones be bygones?! Christian then asks, “are you willing to die? Because I am!” I myself would just want to climb outta the cage and keep my title. Someone really needs to sit Christian down and explain to him how these matches work. Sheesh.

***We see Jeremy Borash with Team 3D.

Anyways, they ask Borash if he’s a red blooded American, and he thankfully answers yes, thus ending the speculation that he’s really a Vulcan. They challenge Team Canada (Land that I love) to an Anthem match (Fact: National Anthems were created by namesake Arthur Anthem in the late 1930’s). Brother Ray then gives their version of the pledge of allegiance, and Devon finishes by yelling “Oh my brother, TESTIFY!”. It’s nice to see Devon pushing his brother to fulfill his civic duty and speak his piece in a court of law. What a patriot this Devon is.

*** Sting will WRESTLE this Thursday on IMPACT. Wow. Where does he get the time to compete, record music AND save the Rain Forest too????!!!

***Up next we have Konnan’s group, LAX, which I’m assuming is short for Laxative in honour of what the water does to your bowels in their home country of Mexico. From there, out comes Bullet Bob and the James Gang (BG and Kip, and not Bob’s younger brothers, 1800’s outlaws Frank & Jesse).

Bullet Bob Vs. Konnan: ARM-WRESTLING MATCH

What we have here is a good old fashioned arm wrestling match. But first, the referee ejects everyone else from ringside so not to ruin the credibility of a worked arm wrestling match between a grandfather and a crippled Mexican gangster. Good thinking. Anyways, Konan dominates at first, but Bob musta watched that Stallone movie and learned the super-secret thumb move known as the over-the-top which GUARANTEES victory. (The thumb is EVERYTHING.) However, before he can slam Konnan, here’s a man called Hernandez to break up the contest and attack Bullet Bob. Apparently his first name is “Hot Stuff”. His mom musta been super confident that he'd be handsome to name him that. Anyways, we get no decision here, but later find out that they will arm-wrestle AGAIN, but this time in a STEEL CAGE at Lockdown. There’s nowhere for your arm to run! Where’s your thumbs gonna go? We’ll FINALLY get a LEGIT winner. AWESOME.

Winner: STALEMATE!~

***Jeremy Borash is backstage with D.O.A. (not Dead on Arrival, but considering his age, who knows?) Larry Zybysko. They say that at Lockdown Sabu will wrestle Samoa Joe and Chris Damiels will wrestle a LIGER! WOW. Talk about a fighting champion. It’d take a lot of money to get me to agree to wrestle a giant hybrid cat. Anyways, a referee called Slick Johnson (apparently he uses too much lube during lovemaking to earn a name like that) says he wants to referee, but Larry says…something? I don’t remember (or care.)

Diamonds in the Rough vs. Norman Smiley and Sharkboy.

Hey, aren’t diamonds in the rough really coal? Although it kinda explains why they get squashed so much. They’re hoping eventually they’ll be worth something!~ (I took Geocoloology in High School like 7 times; that’s how you make diamonds).

Anyways, before this match really gets under way, here’s Jeff Jarrett, America’s Most Wanted (Apparently high flying offense gets you on the F.B.I.’s hitlist! Look out Spanky And Paul London, YOU’RE NEXT! Justice NEVER RESTS!!!) and Scott Steiner with awesome Medieval times hat (they let you eat with your BARE HANDS there! AWESOME). Jarrett sits with the commentators, and Steiner and AMW destroy Smiley and Sharkboy (Where was Lava Girl for the save?). Scott Steiner then puts Smiley in the Steiner Recliner (or camel clutch) but neglects to fuck him the ass like the Iron Sheik boasts. What an amateur this guy is at teaching old country respect and destroying dignity through violent forced intercourse.

Anyways, Jarrett says TNA will continue to lose guys until they “sign Steiner”. Come on TNA! How hard is it to spell Steiner? I know you’re from Tennessee and thus are prolly a little illiterate, but come on. S-T-E-I-N-E-R. There you go; don’t say I never did anything not worth anything for ya!

Alex Shelley vs. Roderick Strong Vs. Chase Stevens: winner gets the final slot for Team USA in World X.

Wait. World X? Just what planet have these brave souls agreed to wrestle at the pay-per-view? I don’t know how keen I’d be to face a species of unknown aliens like that! (although, I don’t have a big bag full of backbreakers like Roderick Strong!).

Anyways, Stevens pulls out Strong to the arena floor to start, and barely avoids a Shelley diving attack over the ropes. Back in the ring, each man exchanges holds including a rolling kick, a BACKBREAKER by Roderick Strong, and a lionsault by Alex Shelley. Although to this day I’m not convinced such a cumbersome animal has the mobility to execute such an acrobatic move. Not even circus lions. Not even. From there, Shelly & Strong work over Chase. Strong then accidentally nails Alex when Stevens moves, and Stevens comes back with a cross-body on Strong. Shelly then tries to sneak in an off top rope move, but is caught and dropkicked off by Chase Stevens. Chase eventually gets an Alabama Slam on Strong but Shelley breaks up the pin. Strong then superplexes Stevens, but is blindsided by Alex Shelley who finishes with Sliced bread #2. Good choice there. The first piece of bread in the package is a bum, and it's always the last left in the bag because it's useless. Good thinking, Alex!

Winner: Alex Shelly and his video camera! Just like me he likes to secretly videotape women; but unlike me he never gets caught sweating profusely without pants in their bedroom closet. He’s a professional, I guess.

***Sting comes out next, in his face paint and thankfully not under his real identity, to talk about Jeff Jarrett and his team. I recently read somewhere Sting saying that the jesus now lives inside his heart, and at first I found it kinda hard to believe. I mean, I doubt our lord and saviour would fit! From all biblical accounts he has to be somewhere in the neighbourhood of six feet tall! Then, I remembered that he’s God and thus could prolly miraculously shrink himself down to microscopic size. Now why he’d choose Steve Borden’s chest cavity to conduct his spiritual business, I have no idea. Oh well.

Anyways, Sting says he loves wrestling, the fans, Spike TV and their delightful line-up of entertaining programming, but most of all he likes T&A. Hey, wait. Tits and Ass? I thought one of the rules of the church was to put your pornographic desires on the back burner? Oh well. 9/10 commandments is still admirable.

He then says that Jarrett and his cronies made him bitter and forced him to come back. He then proposes a match beyond. (They want to wrestle in another DIMENSION?) then says it’ll be a cage filled with WEAPONS… and not a steel cage surrounded by blood thirsty dogs, encompassed within a second cage. That would be SO cool. I’m surprised no one has ever tried that. It could change the business. Anyways, Sting says that Jarrett made a mistake telling him his team members, and this Thursday he’s calling him out. He then promises that anyone Jarrett sends after him, he’ll tear their legs off and rip out their hearts. Ok, 8/10 commandments. I stand corrected.

At this point, Jarrett comes out and not just because he wants more TV time and he and his team surround Sting, but here’s Ron Killings, AJ Styles, Chris Daniels and others out to defend Sting. And that’s it~!

Bacon’s Final Thoughts: My Balls are kind of itchy. But I’m afraid to scratch them because I have a phobia of puncturing my scrotum.

Ok, faggots, that’s it for this special (Better then Remy) Réport of TNA Impact. Oh, and btw, in case you haven’t heard, I won the Canadian lottery about 3 weeks ago and am now filthy rich (seriously). So next time you see me, I’ll prolly own this place. But until then, I’ll cya soon but prolly not.

Send “Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank” Canadian Bacon mail here, or die from cancer of the assneck.

-CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.