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THE BASH 2009
(06/28/09)
BY ANTHONY DEAN

Welcome to "The Bash," and just "The Bash." Not quite as great or American as in years past, apparently. To be honest I'm a little worried here, because if the past Bashes are examples of "great," I don't know what the fuck to expect from this thing. The show opens with a recap of Trips-Orton, with Vince randomly re-interjecting himself in the feud last Monday featured prominently because he's Vince McMahon, goddamnit. After that ECW's match kicks things off because it's ECW. Goddamnit. And also for the reason of it being ECW, the rules have been changed from a twenty-minute match, to twelve, with three-minute intervals between opponent arrivals. THREE MINUTES?! Maybe Umaga's firing was a work! And maybe WWE rehired Jamal after he lost like six pounds on that broadcast network fat camp show! And maybe they'll be worth exclaiming over this time around! MAYBE.

ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer vs Christian vs Jack Swagger vs Finlay vs Mark Henry, Championship Scramble

Christian and Swagger start off, because new matchups just isn't what the WWE does. Seriously, I am so sick of seeing these two guys wrestle each other. It's more of the same, power game and rest holds vs DDTs, high flying moves, and the through-the-ropes kick that does not ever get old. Not ever. No new temporary champion is crowned by the time Finlay comes out as Josh Matthews says "Don't let the music fool you, this is a dangerous man!" I don't know if it's just the music, or the music coupled with Finla y's lime green outfit, or all of it combined with memories of him Irish stepping with a leprechaun in cheap glittery green St. Patrick's Day elementary school party hats that cancels out the badassery of the scowl and bloody shilaylay he carries around, but something has got to change here.

He goes one on one with Christian after tossing Swagger and they put on a good showing until Swagger yanks out Christian and replaces him, pinning Finlay after a deadly eye poke. Jack Swagger is your new temp champ. He dominates until Tommy Dreamer is out with shiny metallic silver pants, probably in tribute to fellow bloated fallen star Michael Jackson. Bloated like a corpse. Fallen as in dead. Because he died. You get it. He plants Christian with a weak spinebuster for two before hanging him up in the tre e of woe. Shitty dropkick leaves Christian still hanging, and Swagger is back up to make Dreamer take an awkward tumble from the ring. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Tommy Dreamer is a very talented individual, but it's just that everything he does is terrible. That's all. Finlay re-enters and plants Swagger with a Celtic Cross and pins him with his knee on his face because HE'S FIERCE AGAIN. Finlay is the new champion, so basically, there will be another new champion before the match is over.

Dreamer teases a superplex on Christian but he gets knocked down and Swagger slams him. Swagger then goes up to battle Christian on the top as Mark Henry enters, and he powerbombs Swagger, who simultaneously superplexes Christian. Finlay gets tossed and Christian gets military pressed over the top rope and onto the floor because this isn't a Battle Royal. Dreamer comes leaping, er, falling off the top rope at Henry but he gets slammed by the world's strongest for the pinfall. Everyone then SCRAMBLES to take on Henry, triple-teaming him and knocking him from the ring. Swagger ends up outside too and Finlay suicide dives onto him through the ropes, only for Tommy Dreamer to fly at him as he recovers from the apron. Christian then shows the two other lumbering non-flyers how it's done by coming off onto them from a turnbuckle with a big crossbody. Back in the ring, Swagger hits his springboard frog splash thing from the middle rope to pin Henry to become champ once again with just over two minutes left, but Henr y splits his wig shortly after by putting Jack in 619 position and then jumping on his head, guillotining him, and landing standing up outside the ring. Swagger gets Killswitched immediately after but Dreamer breaks it up to DDT Christian for the pin to become the new temp champ. Series of pin attempts and breakups from everyone except Mark Henry who is just kind of walking around outside despite there being only thirty seconds left. He finally decides it might be worth the effort to get back in and gets Dr eamer DDT'd for it. Christian then tries for a flying rollup off a turnbuckle onto Dreamer but Finlay breaks it up just as the clcok runs out.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Tommy Dreamer

I would have put "new" ECW Champion based on the only other Scramble match that ended in retention, but that was Triple H and so I'm still understandably uncertain about how that exactly works, as undeserved extra title reigns have been pretty much exclusive to Hunter in the past, so. Regardless, Dreamer celebrates by trying to walk the rail with his belt in front of the crowd but he falls off pretty quickly and doesn't even bother to try to fail some more, settling for just raising the title above his head next to the announcer table like that's what he meant to do.

That really terrible Gillette commercial with John Cena and Vince comes on next before we go TO THE BACK with Teddy Long in a red suit that might have been called pimp in 2003 as Edge tells him to shake things up and add him to Smackdown's title match. He says that it's a crime he's not on the PPV, and Teddy says well maybe he shouldn't have divorced his wife because she could've helped him out. Dis dis DIS, son! Edge says Teddy's going to be out of a job soon before walking off.

Rey Mysterio is out next in some an outfit colored black and white, probably also in tribute to Michael Jackson. Everybody else is obsessed with him, so why not wrestlers too? I mean what the FUCK is Iran? Recap of Jericho-Rey and Jericho is out next. Really contrasting styles here, as Rey is known for wearing a mask while Jericho is known for looking like he isn't wearing anything but the belt around his waist. How will this affect the match? Probably not at all. At all.

Rey Mysterio vs Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho, Title vs Mask

Early cool spot sees Rey toss Jericho from the ring with a headscissors, only to get caught on a baseball slide attempt and thrown head-first into the barricade. Big suplex back in gets two on Rey, so Jericho decides to put Rey on a turnbuckle, where, of course, he is at his weakest. Mysterio then shocks everyone by knocking Jericho down and coming off the top with a seated senton. Shocks. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker puts things back in Jericho's favor for quite a while. Baseball slide puts Rey out of the ring and Jericho impresses smarks everywhere with his subtle heel mannerisms such as over-exaggeratingly wiping his hands clean and bobbing his head while smirking. He brings Rey back in and allows him to catch his breath some more with a shit arm hold until Rey catches his, well, first wind I guess it would be. Mysterio escapes and sends him out of the ring and comes off the top to the outside with a ridiculously big seated senton. More extremely impressive mucha lucha back in the ring, I think I even saw a Pu lverizing Pinball in there somewhere, but Jericho is a heavyweight, see, and so he recovers quickly after Rey exhausts his artillery of petty foreign shit and gets a nearfall off a slam. Y2J then rams his own shoulder into a ringpost and Rey comes off with a Moonsault/rollup for two, but Jericho ensares him in the Walls of Himself soon after. Rey spanks him several good times in the upper thigh, but Jericho is resilient and so Rey has to reach the ropes to break the hold.

Fast-paced action ensues until Rey hits an enziguri on Jericho on a turnbuckle that rattles him, only for him to super-powerbomb Rey out of nowhere as he went up to capitalize. Lionsault misses, as does a 619, and the replay screen in this match has been ridiculously overused, showing off every cool counter you'll never see in a John Cena or Triple H match, the most recent of which being a spinning torture rack into a swinging DDT. Jericho catches a flying Rey with a Codebreaker for two and so he again plac es Rey in his vice, the top turnbuckle. Well this is Rey's lucky night it looks like as he again manages to overcome the odds in this unfamiliar territory, eventually hitting a 619, but Jericho gets him in the Walls during the followup springboard move. Series of rollups and pinning attempts follow that sees Jericho yank off Rey's mask, but Rey had another on beneath it and uses the split-second surprise to land a kick to the back of Jericho's head to send him into 619 position. The swinging kick connects a nd he lands the frogsplash for the pinfall.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion : Rey Mysterio

Excellent match blah blah. Now that the terrible idea of Rey wrestling without a mask is hopefully off the table, I actually would like to see this feud continue, mostly to prevent Jericho from becoming Undertaker food, but nevertheless. Moving on, it looks like Summerslam this year is a type of Hollywood Star theme thing set to Aerosmith, so expect those commercials to get annoying pretty quick. Recap of the Donald Trump thing, I don't know what else to call it but that. We then see Trips getting his leg t aped up in the back before we jump to Jericho yelling in Teddy Long's face. Long then says that next month will be his five-year anniversary as a GM and he didn't make it that long by giving in to demands. Jericho storms off angrily saying he won't make it to five years. I didn't know time spent as a slave counted towards experience in a leadership position. By that logic I should be promoted as soon as Wal*Mart stops taking my paychecks to pay for that counter of big screen tvs I still deny knocking over.

Oh shit, speaking of Wal*Mart, my supervisor, he's this gay guy, and a little bit actually retarded, not in a joking way but in a serious "this guy should probably not be left alone unsupervised, let alone be supervising anybody" kind of way, and anyway, he's a referee for this shit local wrestling they run in my town because I live in Tennessee, and ANYWAY, he says Jerry Lawler will now be running a show nearby every other week or something, and he'll be the referee for it, and that he can get me all sorts of sweet hook-ups like autographs from BIG STARS such as Toxic Jock and Mike "The Animal" Mendoza and maybe even Lillian Garcia if she is in town as she sometime is for charity but no promises on that one, as she might be tough to get a hold of because, you know, people have actually heard of her before. He told me all this at work, while I was working, because he is retarded. I however just told him I'm not into wrestling, like I always do when the subject comes up throughout the course of my day. But yea h, if you're a, or probably more likely the Toxic Jock fan, don't be afraid to hit me up and I'll see what I can do I guess.

We go to the announcers next who introduce us to a, a Dolph Ziggler video package? What the fuck? I haven't seen this guy get in an offensive maneuver for like eight months. I mean seriously, what is this? And where did they get footage to use for this video that is more than just him shaking hands and his name flashing on the screen? When did any of this shit happen? Oh, and a bonus, a BONUS everyone, apparently his opponent is going to be The Great Khali! This should be awesome. I seriously have got to st art looking over the card before bothering to look for a working str-, er, I mean ordering a show. Khali enters first and there's lots of people making assholes out of themselves by dancing in the crowd to his music. If Ziggler doesn't just absolutely destroy Khali I'm going to deem this whole thing a pointless waste of time. Cater to me, or be ridiculed in this very important outlet of opinions, People With Sway.

Dolph Ziggler vs The Great Khali, No DQ Match

Ziggler starts off by running from Khali and hitting potshot kicks, but a CHEST CHOP stops that shit early. He recovers and goes for some mounted punches in the corner but Khali just sort of raises his arm and Dolph goes flying over the ropes and to the floor. Khali bitchslap on DOLPH against the ringpost, but a second one sees Ziggler dodge and Khali slaps the unforgiving steel as JR questions whether his hand is broken. Dolph flies at Khali from the apron and connects, but a second leap sees him get slapp ed back into the ring as we get the skillet metaphor. Way to sell that broken hand, by the way. I mean Jesus, it's not like a left-handed chop is going to look any weaker than the regular one already does. Back in his leg gets caught over the top rope immediately because it's the Great Khali and Ziggler gives his leg an RKO from the apron. He comes back in with a chair only for it to get slapped down, but a fameasser gets a nearfall for Dolph. He then puts Khali in a facelock while screaming at the sky with feline-like yelps. I know, but that's what they were. Some top-notch commentating going on in this recap, I'm telling you. Khali offense from here, you know, boot and all that, when fire explodes and Kane's music hits out of nowhere as he walks down to the ring. Dolph knocks the shit out of Khali with a chair before backing out of the ring and letting Kane get in some chairshots as well. He then throws the chair down and leaves, allowing Dolph Ziggler to get the win. That's the first time anyone has every said or typed that, I would imagine.

Winner : Dolph Ziggler

Man that guy looks like a blond Randy Orton. And that's all I care to say really. TO THE BACK AGAIN with Vince about to apologize to Teddy for over-reacting for putting him on probation, but he then says that in his five years as GM, he hasn't accomplished anything and says even Adamle brought something to the table. He says the only thing Long has going for him is the little dance he does and tells him he's still on probation and to get it together. Promo for a John Cena movie now. I don't know which one. If you care, you should probably stop being such a gigantic faggot in what is probably most or all facets of your life before somebody whips your ass in front of the girl you stalk. I'm just looking out for you. Let's move on.

The Colons. Ehhh. Well at any rate they're out with their four belts. Legacy follows looking all greasy and locker room rapist when the MACK MILITANT is out to announce this match will now be a Triple Threat Tag Team Championship match as Edge's music hits. Everybody in the ring panics and Jericho's music of course hits next. They walk down to the ring looking all badass. In the ring, each stares down a tag team and each is immediately double-teamed and tossed from the ring as the bell rings. Apparently thi s will work with two guys in the ring at a time and they can tag in anybody. THE EPITOME OF TEAMWORK.

The Colons vs Legacy vs Chris Jericho & Edge, Unified Tag Team Triple Threat Match

The Ortons go at it with the Carlitos early on and we get some nice breakdancing offense from Primo. The announcers are talking up Edge and Jericho but inadverdantly make Jericho sound like shit. "Edge is a nine-time world champion and Jericho is a five-time former champ. Edge has held DOZENS of tag team championships over the course of his career, and Jericho has held, well, four or five." BUT STILL. Anyway nothing of note happens as the two initial teams battle it out without anyone going anywhere near th e asshole corner despite Edge and Jericho leaning forward eagerly with hands extended. Legacy generally remains in control until a Primo jawbreaker accidentally sends Cody Rhodes into Edge. He charges in with a spear but Primo moves and Edge falls into Dibiase for the tag and it's back down to all the third-gen guys.

The once-vibrant Edge and Jericho now look bored and a little pissed off. Rhodes puts Primo in a crazy submission move, stretching him over his back, as Edge comes in and just throws Primo down, so Cody just tags in Ted to ruin things for his team by getting promptly knocked from the ring by Primo. Carlito tagged in with a springboard something and he is all over Rhodes. Springboard back elbow puts down Rhodes and Primo sends out an interfering Dibiase with a dropkick. Jericho then adds to the confusion wit h a Codebreaker on Primo and Edge tags himself in just as Carlito hit a Backstabber on Rhodes. The ref refuses to count the pin and Carlito turns around into a Spear from Edge for the loss.

Winner and NEW Unified Tag Team Champions : Edge & Jericho

The announcers say this is Edge's 13th reign as a tag champ. They each pose with two belts before making their exit as Legacy look on pissed off from outside the ring and the Colons snivel and console eachother with brotherly caresses in the ring. We cut to Orton telling Legacy not to worry about what happened out there and says how what's important is to help him retain his WWE Championship. Dibiase asks if henchmen is all they are to him. Um. He continues by saying how he allowed Orton to kick him in the head and just let it go because he wanted to further his career, not be an Orton lackey. UM. Orton tells him maybe he made a mistake, and Dibiase agrees that maybe he did before walking away. Rhodes calms Orton down and says he'll talk to him.

Diva time. I don't care.

Women's/Diva's Champion, I don't know, Melina vs Michelle McCool w/ Alicia Fox, for some reason, Title Match

I really, really don't know or care about the Women's/Diva's division. All I know is Alicia Fox is the black girl who Edge cheated on Vickie with like a year ago, and I thought Melina was released or injured or something. What can I say, I guess you just don't learn what their status on the show is by masturbating to their pictures online. Anyway, this is actually a pretty fast-paced and okay match with McCool looking a hell of a lot better than I remember her, both ring-wise and appearance-wise. She's cove ring up her small, spread way apart boobs now. Anyway she wins with a Styles Clash to end a fairly long match that I'd probably enjoy a lot more if I knew anything about what was going on in the division, or even what division it was.

Winner and NEW Something Champion : Michelle McCool

Yep. I'm geniunely sorry, everyone. We get a don't try this at home thing before cutting away to a Punk-Hardy recap. Punk enters first and JR points out there's a lot of Punk fans here and says this is also a battle of popularity. If that's the case, Jeff Hardy definitely wins with his pop. Staredown and in-ring intro as Punk claps for Hardy with a smirk before getting a big mixed reaction during his intro.

Jeff Hardy vs World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk, Title Match

They start off with benign reversals and mat wrestling, seeing Hardy dominate and starting his own Hardy chant, which is kind of pathetic. They each try for eachother's finishers but neither hits, so Hardy dumps Punk and flies over and onto him. He tries for a Poetry in Motion with the steps immediately after but ends up hitting the ring barrier, whether because the Cunt Maggot dodged in time or just because Hardy is addicted to things other than competition is unclear. He barely gets back in before the cou nt, where Punk wraps his legs around Hardy's neck and lays into him with elbow shots to the head. He gets a two count before locking the move back in until Hardy flails his body around until he touches rope. Punk goes for an elbow drop from the second rope but Hardy moves. He dodges a corner clothesline as well and hits a Whisper in the Wind for two. Hardy gets in all of his signature moves here, and would you believe the double leg drop to the groin didn't seal it? Pancake sitout suplex sets up the Swanton but Punk rolls out, only for Hardy to come flying off the apron at him. You know, for all those people who say guys like Batista, Cena, and Triple H wrestle the same matches, I could probably have typed this entire recap without even seeing the match and get at least 80% accuracy.

Pepsi One Bulldog scores two and a series of strikes wear Hardy out, but he dodges the spinning backfist and puts Punk down for the Swanton, only to miss it by an inch as Punk sits up at the last second. Rollup from Hardy so Punk drills his ass with a roundhouse kick. GTS attempt reversed into a Twist of Fate and the Swanton connects. Punk's leg is under the bottom rope as the ref counts the pinfall. Hardy's music starts to play but the bell doesn't ring as the ref spots the leg. Hardy bitches long enough, but eventually just grabs Punk for a Twist of Fate, but Punk reverses into a GTS attempt. Punk catches a shot to his eye from Jeff that breaks it up and the ref keeps Hardy at bay as Punk leans in the corner clutching his eye. Punk then comes out with a mean kick to the ref's back that takes the ref down in hilarious fashion. He looks up incredulous and pissed off and calls for the disqualification as Hardy looks on like a small boy whose father, with whom his once-swell relationship has become increasingly strained lately, just took the boy's favorite toy, set it on the floor in front of him, and, completely unprovoked, stomped it into many pieces while staring unflinchingly into the boy's eyes.

Winner but NOT World Heavyweight Champion : Jeff Hardy

They speculate whether it was done on purpose or not and Punk makes his way up the ramp clutching his eye but smiling a little. Hardy chases him up the ramp and confronts him before taking him back into the ring and laying into him with punches. A bunch of referees have to restrain Hardy as one escorts Punk up the ramp, who continues to clutch his eye. JR gets all grave and says how Jeff Hardy has made it to the top on three occasions, and on all three occasions he has been thwarted.

Back in Long's office with the Colons yelling at him for fucking with their match, but he's like "Fuck y'all playas, ya feel me?" They walk away speaking Spanish. Off to Randy's locker room as he calls Cody wondering where they're at and tells him to call him back. Apparently the shitty band who does Orton's theme song gave a live outside performance to what looks like about thirty people while they waited in line for the Bash. It actually looked like more people chose to stand farther away from the stage a nd probably more relevantly the noise, even despite the heat. We cut back quickly enough to catch King playing air guitar, which he promptly stops once he realizes he's being filmed and says something about Guitar Hero that makes no sense in that way old people do to sound like they're not old. "Hey, what's up? I just sent a Twitter to the internet about Republicans, ha ha!" "That's great, dad." Miz-Cena recap now.

John Cena vs The Miz

Miz is out first, followed by Cena sporting John Deere colors for all those Southern wrestling fans, ie all wrestling fans. Staredown and Cena takes Miz down with basic wrestling moves before backing off and letting him seethe at his own ridiculousness. Miz gets his first offensive move in with a kick off an Irish whip attempt, to which Cena shakes his head and chases him out of the ring and back in, where Miz catches him with a guillotine on the ropes. He gets Cena in a corner from here and lays in with st rikes before hitting his big running knee before going up top and landing the first successful double axe handle in probably twenty years. Suplex scores two and goddamnit if the Miz isn't doing allright. Big clothesline scores another two and it looks like there's a glimmer of legitimate hope in Miz's eye. Poor, un-jaded Miz, you'll always just be remembered as an ex-tag champ, if you're remembered at all. Cena finally shows Miz what it's really like to be in the main event picture now that, after taking it easy and letting him do all the work for most of the match, hits his five moves of doom. STFU follows the Attitude Adjustment and the Miz taps right the fuck out.

Winner : John Cena

Sad, sad shit. Didn't even last ten minutes. I thought with, what, over a month of build they actually would have done SOMETHING with it, but at least it wasn't surprising! God knows how that scares people in all aspects of life. More Chevy Chase movies on cable, please. Ah well, I'm sure he'll make a fine William Regal-type character until he is ultimately released sometime next year. Orton-Trips video package now, set to Southwestern desperado acoustic guitar type music for some reason. Orton is out first , followed by a long pause, followed by Triple H. The announcers remind us that Triple H has won the other two Three Stages of Hell match in WWE History that I'm sure has been rewritten here but I'm too lazy to look it up so I'll just knowingly say it was so it'll sound like I know what I'm talking about.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs Triple H, Three Stages of Hell Match

The first match is a singles match, and King tells us the second match, a Falls Count Anywhere match, means that falls count anywhere in the state, just in case they end up fighting into the back of a tractor trailer that takes off down the interstate, I guess. The match saw Orton get the win after Triple H just hit him with a chair. What. Nobody gives a shit about the first match. The second match saw Triple H keep slamming Orton with the chair before Pedigreeing him onto the floor for the pin. At least th ey're not wasting time doing that dumbed down "Will we need to see the carnage of the exalted THIRD MATCH?!" bit.

STRETCHER MATCH. Orton wobbles up to Hunter and they end up brawling into the crowd, sloppily slamming eachother into things that are just around. H clotheslines Orton over the barricade, but Orton regains the advantage soon after by stripping the crowd barrier of its protective cover and beating Trips with the shambles before repeatedly slamming him into the exposed metal. He carts over the comically undersized and useless-looking stretcher and fails to get Hunter's big ass onto it. I mean it, this thing i s probably only used for carting out infants who have been blue from crib death for twelve hours. Triple H seeks refuge in the ring as Orton throws the steel steps in after him. In the ring, he hoists them above his head and stands there, so Triple H obliges by tripping him face-first into the steel. He then blasts the champion with a running shot from the steps, enabling him to drag Orton out and onto the stretcher. Halfway up the ramp Orton stirs and Trips jumps onto him with punches as the stretcher roll s downhill and into the side of the ring barrier, jolting them off in just an awful spot.

They both try to get eachother back on the stretcher until Orton puts H down with an elevated DDT using it as leverage. He recovers enough to go for a Pedigree shortly after but Orton backbodydrops him onto the stretcher and pushing it up to the stage, but Trips gets off just before it crossed the line. Orton gets thrown off into the big screen on an RKO attempt at the top of the stage, over the line, and put down with a followup Pedigree, but just as Trips loaded him up and was going to push the stretcher over the line Cody Rhodes comes out in an intimidating half-shirt to put a stop to it. He of course is immediately disposed of after being slammed into the giant screen. Hunter goes back to finish off Orton but Dibiase Jr enters next to once again prevent Orton from losing, ramming Trips into the stretcher and knocking Orton to the ground. Rhodes recovers and the doubleteam commences until Trips pulls a sledgehammer out of nowhere to kill them both. Orton recovers however and nails Triple H with a piece of black something onto the stretcher, pushing it across the line for the win.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Raaannndy Ortaaah

Thanks, Lillian. Orton poses on the ramp with his title as Triple H gets to his feet and stands behind him until he turns around, leveling him with the sledgehammer. Orton lays sprawled out on the stage.as Hunter's music hits and he stumbles off backstage. Apparently Trips hid the sledgehammer in a trap door on the stage in the exact spot he ended up sprawled out next to, but then again who knows, maybe he planted like twenty or thirty of them all throughout the arena, so. After the long series of replays, a squad of referees help Orton to his feet and we get stared down by the eyes of THE VIPER to close out the show.

Well. This was a good show. Again. I can't even complain about the Divas Match. Hell, even the Khali match went allright. I mean yeah, Dolph Ziggler on Pay Per View is a terrible waste of time that some people paid perhaps hard-earned money for, but hey, at least it wasn't fucking you know Kane or someone. After all that's for NEXT MONTH'S pay per view. Or next week's, based on their schedule lately. Anyway, almost every match was good in-ring-wise and the Teddy Long storyline might get interesting, I don't know, my opinion on watching Smackdown has generally always been "fuck Smackdown," but who knows, maybe it'll change to "Smackdown? Ehhhh, nah fuck Smackdown." We got a few new champions, a few contributions to keeping the status quo, and John Cena won, so at least they had that squash to balance out hotshotting Dolph Ziggler a win on Pay Per View. All in all, a moderately good show with nothing too special that I would never recommend watching at any point in time in the future because it's one of those kind of shows, you know? But, despite that shit review, I have to give it a thumbs up. For bribery reasons. I got my hands in a certain old man's pocket, and I'm being paid off to lie about enjoying pay per views, too! Aaaand, END SHOW.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).