views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't
necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan
August 21, 2004 12:00AM
this is my debut column? Fantastic11!!! I just
hope that I can live up to all the bigtime great
wrestling debuts of the past like Chris Jericho,
Kurt Angle and Mr. Hughes. Huge shoes to fill
I know (and not snow shoes like my northern
neighbour the dirty Eskimo) but I have
confidence in my skills which I think you’ll
see pretty much speak for themselves (THEY'RE
AWESOME) only not literally because they're
skills and that'd be kind of scary and startling.
First of all, it has to
be said: I am not a satire writer. I
don’t write anything funny or even interesting about
WRESTLING. Noticed I said "wrestling"
and not "Rasslin" which the
owner of this site in his faggoty ignorance
tends to use quite a bit. Have some respect,
niggerface. The sport I love is called
pro wrestling, and it was actually invented
by the greeks sometime around the time of the
jesus. It's true!!!! Until then all they did
was fuck each other in the ass but then wrestling
came along and united them as a people so much
so that today they make delicious sandwiches.
Really! It's true! And good thing they
finally found the completely hetero combat
between two gloriously oiled musclemen to finally distract
them from all that silly homosexuality and pastel
colors! (silly greeks! Did yous guys not learn
anything from the Bible story of Soderizing
and Gemoorah? God HATES butt fucking
and the binding of metals through high heat!).
But that's all done now thanks to the sport
of Kings. (originated by Arthur when he threw
Lancelot through a Barber shop window).
I means, really, who's got time for assplay
when you're trying to grind down and passionately
ride another naked gladiator until he accepts
your muscley might or lays flat and takes
your pin?! Come on! And yes, all this
took place atop a magical place called Mount
Olympus! It was prolly called that because as
mentioned all they did was mount each other
in dirty gay lust! So I suppose this "Olympus"
fellow wouldn't be much different! Yes~! Wrestling.
I love it and the manliness of its healing powers.
History lesson complete!!!!1111
Anyways, as for me, your
pal CB, I was born a baby and
raised in God’s country, Saskatchewan Canada,
and have been watching wrestling for my
whole life and if I could have in the womb
I would have, too!!!! . Sadly though there
was no cable feed in there. Bah, I say. If they
can put salad tongs in there to grasp what
I was told was an inordinately small head, you
can't tell me they couldn't have maybe found
a way to maneuver a tiny little TV in my
mom's vag! It'd have been nice! You
can only be entertained by your dad's penis
making an occasional visit so much after all!
i'm telling yous!
Anyways, that said, there's
not much I don't knows about Wrestling, its
history and its wrestling history. In fact
my friends (and I have millions here in Saskatchewan)
tell me that I’m the most knowledgeable guy
they know when it comes to knowledge. Heck I’m
practically an insider! I mean, did you know
that the abdominal stretch was actually invented
in the 40's by a man named Wilbur Abdominal?
IT'S TRUE. Some people with packs of lies and
such will tell you it was Wilbur Snyder,
but the truthiness is Wilbur was brought into
this world as Wilbur Abdominal, and only changed
his name to "Snyder" when he felt he was becoming
typecast! "I'm know more submission holds.
Seriously!" he was often heard yelling
before putting on another namesake stretch
for 45 minutes straight with no other holds
until curfew expired. It was heartbreaking.
Anyways what I don’t like
though is this IWC business. What is the IWC
anyway? Sounds like some god forsaken Puerto
Rican federation like the one that Bruised Brody
was murdered or dare I say KILLED in. I
don’t go for this smark stuff. So you can keep
all your Smark talk there, Scott Keith.
I prefer to speak for the REAL fans! Those who
saw Damien dimento as the true Artist he was. And
besides, what the heck is a smart mark?
Isn’t that like calling yourself an idiotgenius
because they're like equal parts stupid and
I WENT there!
don’t like people who think they know better
like Scott keith and his star ratings. Pardon
my french, but Scott Keith’s doesn't know anything
accept maybe about eating and being handsome
so who needs him?. Besides, no one tough
or important ever came from Alberta, except Stu Hart, but
he was really from Saskatchewan . Betcha
didn’t know that! It's true! But when he decided
it was time to settle down and get his fuck
on, he and Helen shit out their glorious brood
right here in...wait. They did it in Alberta.
Ignore this part.
I just don’t really
go for these star ratings either. It’s prolly
cause I invented them and am still sore that he
stole the whole concept from me! Of course,
mine weren’t stars. I always preferred to use
moons. I mean you can actually
have half a moon, or a quarter of a moon. You
CANNOT divide a star, bub. Not unless you want
a super nova on your hands, and I don’t think
you want that! Universal obliteration and all
that! Not Good. Trust me! It's horrible!
you hear certain people who think they’re geniuses
or even brilliant or something. Well unlike
these people I’m actually in
the business. I’ve handed out signs for the
booker and wiped the ring ropes when the SWF
came rolling into town back in 98. What have
you ever done? Besides sit there all gay and
stupid and prolly gay too? Exactly.
Anyway these ignorant
types like to pretend they’re so smart spouting
off things like Hulk Hogan sucks and the leg
drop sucked too. THE LEG DROP DID NOT SUCK!
I mean you never saw Andre kick out of it, right?
And he was a GIANT. A real life legit
Giant! It's true. His Mom wouldn't have named
him Andre The Giant if she wasn't bigtime confident
he'd grow up to be tall.
some people on message boards like to start
silly rumours about certain wrestlers like they
knowitall. Take Ultimate Warrior. I’ve tried
to tell people for years that there was TWO
warriors (the first died in a motorcycle accident
in the late 80s) but there’s always someone
who comes out and argues! Do these people
not have ears and see it for themselves? It’s
so obvious that there was two it’s not funny.
Even the guy who plays Warrior now likes to
say “I’m the only one damn it!”-- but you just
know he has to say that to throw off the trail!
What is he going to do, admit it? I mean
the proof is in the pudding. (not real pudding). First
off, they had different haircuts. And I don't
think I need to tell you how next to impossible
that is to change. (Science has its limits!). And
second and such? He was from PARTS UNKNOWN.
There's tons of facepainted guys living there
all itching to be wrestlers who'd LOVE to be
a Warrior, I'm tellin' you. Parts Unknown churns
out more pure wrestling talent then even Calgary!
It's the city of Champions! So, ya, there’s
two Ultimate warriors. Case closed, so, "if
the Warrior fits you must do something clever
that rhymes with Warrior and fitting."
takes us to right now. Wait. No, now.
Many thanks to the marginally talented
(but he's trying!) Dr. Gonzo for giving
me a chance to show my stuff (and not my penis.
There was confusion once. I don't like to talk
about it.). And thanks to everyone else
here! Whoever you are! I’d love to read your
columns but I don’t have time, so sorry. (I'm
Anyway. here’s a topic near and dear to
There’s always a lot of
people who don’t give Giant Gonzalez the bigtime
props he deserves. (Not literal big props
to make him feel more at home (Argentina, Africa)
because he's a giant and comfortable furniture
is a rarity.). It’s because of these people
that he prolly never got a chance in the WWF
even though he was a really good wrestler.
Giants tend to get a lot
of flack by so called smarks. Heck, even the
other wrestlers would bust their balls-- which
I'd assume wouldn't be too hard due to the size.
I can’t tell you how many times Hulk Hogan called
people like Big Show and Andre “stinky,
wart infested” which I always felt was kinda
hurtfulness. And for the life of me I don’t
remember ever seeing actual warts anywhere on
Andre or Paul Wight. I don’t know bout the stinky
part though. When your that big it’d prolly
be pretty hard to wipe your bum. (that might
explain the fur diaper Giant Gonzalez wore).
Anyways, Gonzalez wrestled
in WWF (Not “E”) in 1993 and prolly should have
been champion because he's tall and so LEGIT MUSCULAR artists
and such had to actually make him
wear a suit with painted muscles to tone it
down! Its true! somewhere! He actually started
his craft in WCW where he wrestled as El
Gigante. I’m not sure what gigante really means
(it's German) but I’d guess it meant something
about being big. Could be wrong though.
was originally drafted to the NBA but Ted Turner
said “wow, this guy should be wrestler and wear
fur on his ass” and made him a wrestler instead
of letting him play basketball. Lucky for us!
Imagine if he had been allowed to play basketball.
We would never have seen what he could do in
the ring and that would have been unfortunate.
was the master of the dreaded and feared claw,
better known to educated fans as the iron claw.
And you just know it hurt cause iron’s really
hard, not as hard as stone (see Ronny Garvin)
but prolly pretty close.
read before where people said he was green which
was silly. He was more like a soft beige or
light brown pallette. He was also a
natural athlete. You’d have to be to play basketball!
(it’s not like he played just cause he was tall).
Gigante was really such a bad wrestler as people
say, then why did he have such a good match
with the terrible Ric Flair then? Answer
me that. I’ll tell you. The answer is T-A-L-E-N-N-T.
That’s right. Talennt. (the second N is
people think Ric Flair is like a god or
a beautifully rounded Buda or something but
Gigante had to be doing something right to pull
something out of Naitch, AMIRITE?. And I hate
this broomstick thing people are always saying.
“Ric Flair could wrestle a broom stick” they
say. Why would he want to wrestle a broom stick?
Talk about your boring match right there! And
you know last time I checked a broom stick doesn’t
hit back and it certainly cannot give you a
mighty waste-level choke slam this I can
Sometimes I think Gigante
would be better off if he stayed in WCW. I mean
he had a great feud with the Van Vader and the
Vader even won the world title! So that means
Gigante would be champion. It’s just basic math
if you think about it. We never saw how this
classic rivalry ended, and last I remember the
Vader used his big goat mask to burn El
Gigante with steam and such! Wow. That was hardcore
(and hardcore hadn’t even been invented yet!!!).
Gigante had to be all man to take that. I mean
hot steam, wow! Any of us who has ever
been burned by a hot cup of tea or rad when
laying our snowy mittens can attest to
that. It smarts!
he got to the WWF they gave him a suit with
fur. Man was it cool looking! I mean being a
giant is scary enough, but when you add fur
to the package man it still send shivers down
my spine! In fact if they want to get big John
Heidenrich popular they need to put him in a
hairy suit! Yes! Genius! The suit is money
in the bank and people would mark for it I promise!
I mean it worked for Barbarian and I don’t think
I need to you tell you he was prolly the most
over guy in the company in 1990.
people ask why he was made to wear the suit
and I think WWF likely made him wear a bodysuit
because Undertaker was jealous of Gigante’s
natural physique cause he had to wrestle
in a shirt himself he thought everyone else
started calling him Giant Gonzalez and he attacked
Undertaker and did what no one else could he
beat him down in the royal Rumble and manhandled
him like no one ever did until the next guy! But
what did you expect, he was an honest to god
giant! (its not just a clever marketing phrase!)
Truthfully though I
actually never really wanted to see this match
though (although he and Undertaker did have
the best match at Wrestlemania 9). I mean why
go with Undertaker as the feud when you had
a built in money feud with Kamala? Hello?They
even speak the same language: dirty savage.
Anyways, Gonzalez really
took it to Taker at wrestle mania and dominated
the deadman despite Undertakers black parrot
he came to ring with that prolly would have
intimidated anyone. Anyone but Giant Gonzalez
know with Gonzalez it was the little things
that made him great. Like his selling for example.
If you asked anyone in the business who worked
with him, I’m sure they’d agree that he always
made things look believable. From the way he
took his bumps to the emotion on his scary face,
you never knew that what you were watching wasn’t
fake. He was that good.
Gonzalez at times could move like a really old cat
in the ring, and sometimes you’d swear he wasn’t
almost nine feet tall! WWF liked to say eight
feet, but you know how they lie about stuff
Anyway Undertaker got
the win by disqualification that night (boo!)
and then Gonzalez seemed to disappear after
that which I never understood. I mean you never
saw less of HBK the next year at Wrestlemania
ten when he had the best match, did you? It
should have been the same with Giant Gonzalez.
Because let's face it, Shawn Michaels is NO
Giant Gonzalez. Now imagine Giant with
a seven foot ladder. By my math, that'd
make him somewhere in the neighburhood of 35
feet tall, give or take! TERRIFYING!
just too bad we never got to see Andre against
Giant Gonzalez before Andre died. But
WWF prolly wanted to save Andre for Earthquake
cause Earthquake broke Andre’s leg and the pain
from that prolly killed Andre. Damn you Earthquake.
I heard he was even buried in that hound's
tooth jacket and the mortician couldn't get
the pit stains out and i wouldn't wish that
on my worst enemy but mostly 'cause it doesn't
Anyway Giant Gonzalez
let Undertaker beat him at Summer Slam and helped
get the Dead man over (he was not really that
popular at the time). Gonzalez then left soon
after for good and that was the last we saw
of him which was a huge shocks for us fans who
like me mailed WWF magazine so many times and
heard nothing back! “Where is Giant Gonzalez?”
I wrote. “Bring him back soon” I said. But nothing.
Stupid Vic Venom, he never answered my letters.
Anyway I’d like to tell
you Gonzalez had a happy ending but you know
what? The truth is he’s prolly dead. I don’t
mean to seem mean or callous or Mean Mark
Callous, but it’s prolly the truth (Don’t
mean to offend any of my readers who might also
have the Bigism.) .Giants
for some reason don’t seem to live long which
is a shame because they’re better.
he’s not dead though I think they should bring
That was fun. I love to inform people with information
who are kind of stupid
so please email me and I’ll get back to you
when I want.
Until next week Canadian
Bacon says consider this bacon brought!
and to this "sean Carless" fellow. This is the
last time I "spellcheck" or "edit" my work for
a while. I'm a natural writer and believe that
words are like urine. it should be allowed to
pool and stink until no one can take it anymore.
You can't bottle bigtime talent by holding them
to outdated standards like intelligiability
and coherency!!!! You've been warned!!!!111