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Top 5 Potential Tag Team Mash-Ups

by Robert Zarp

January 29, 2011

Tag team wrestling. Before the death of WCW, and the shifting focus of finding the next big solo star, Vince & Co. actually cared about tag team wrestling. If you've watched since about 2002, you will have noticed a sharp decline in the number of tag teams in WWE. To quote a great movie, "Sometimes the sun shines even on a dog's ass," and well sometimes it doesn't. Is Tyler Reks ever going to be a world champion? Possibly, if he's ever fired by WWE and immediately scooped up by TNA, then there's a chance. Otherwise, no, and that's the beauty of the tag team concept. While on their own they fall faster than public interest in the homeless radio jockey, some wrestlers maintained great popularity only in tag teams. So to you, faithful TWF reader, I present my Top 5: Tag Team Mash-Ups, teams that wouldn't make sense at all but you'd love them anyway. Why? Because Vince will tell you so, that's why dammit!

#5: The Replacements (JTG & Trent Baretta) The world of hip hop meets the world of douche bags, and they soon learn that other than the tempo of their music, they're really not all that different. After both teams lost one tag team partner, these two were left with nothing to do, so why not pair them up? Maybe JTG could turn a new leaf, and they could even be called "Cryme Busters." Don't blame me, WWE would be corny enough to do something like that, and like Snitsky, it isn't MY fault! Although, if they were crime stoppers, and came to the ring dressed as 1940s style gumshoe detectives a la Dick Tracy, that's a guaranteed ratings boost. Trenchcoats and corn rows? I'd buy it.

#4. Los Peridors (The Losers, Chavo Guerrero & Primo) Well holy balls, Primo is still employed? I know Chavo has permanent employment, since he's the new Brooklyn Brawler (the Mexican Marauder doesn't sound as good), but Primo? This guy has never been over, even with his brother Carlito, but they keep him around anyway. So why not pair them up? If you're rebuilding a tag team division, you need at least one jobber team, and well, these two are used to counting the lights in the roofs of arenas worldwide as it is, so why not? It couldn't be any worse than dressing up as an eagle and a cow so you can lose to a leprechaun, or looking like a date raper for your "rookie" on a show no one cares about. Also, WWE likes recycling, so they could just find the gold masks and make a new Los Conquistadors as well.

#3. Super Twins (Darren Young & John Cena) With super Orton taking the place of super Cena as the man of tomorrow, and the millennium thereafter for the time being, Cena's really at a tough spot. This angle with the Nexus has gone from somewhat intriguing to formulaic, as per usual, so they could just put a major star in the tag division to make it a little more interesting. With so many people noticing that these two most likely share strands of DNA (except the charisma and eternal push strands), it just makes perfect sense. If Young shaved his head, they could even steal a page from the Bellas and use that twin magic in their matches. Only then would we finally have some justification for those two useless broads wasting air space every week. They could even advertise it as two Cenas for the price of one! Think of all the t-shirts you could sell on this ebony and ivory harmony! Remember, only a true fan owns every single t-shirt and glowstick ever made.

#2. Ugly Potatoes (King Sheamus & Finlay) Take two ugly Irish bastards, both of whom are just somewhat in storyline limbo at the moment, and let them be your new brawler type tag team. Sheamus is relatively new to the company anyway, so this would be a chance to you know, get him some better exposure, and maybe some actual wins where people don't just trip themselves through a table to his victory. Plus, Finlay ain't busy, and will never be busy again, so I ask again, why not? It's wrestling, logic isn't expected, so the grounds of shared nationality creating a tag team would actually be going above and beyond the call of duty for WWE's creative writing staff. A title win of any kind could actually give Sheamus some more credibility, and if you ask the internet fans, he is in dire need of that.

#1. Ultimate Muscle (Chris Masters & Ezekiel Jackson) Ok so big Zeke decided to join Nexus this week, or he just hated Big Show, I don't know but that's usually the case with WWE in the past few years. The point is, this idea is way better. You have the case of two identical wrestlers: two muscle men with limited movesets, bald heads (well one has hair plugs), lack of charisma and mic skills, and muscles. So many muscles. Muscles are the golden ticket. "Muscles, mmm" thought Vince, as he hired them. Seriously, why does this guy get boners for body builders? Nevermind, don't answer that please. For the astute fan, they'd know Ultimate Muscle is a Japanese cartoon about pro wrestling, and the mere mental image of these two behemoths coming to the ring, dressed up like characters from the show, would be so awesome. Kinniku Masters and Jigokuman Jackson, now that's a money maker! License to print money, guaranteed.

Honorable mentions go to Tyler Reks and Ted Williams as The Minnesota Homeless Crew, Matt Hardy and Caylen Croft as The Buffet Busters, and Pat Patterson and Zack Ryder as The Rough Ryders. I don't think we need to explore that one any further. I tried to include only current WWE wrestlers, hence the absence of Matt Hardy jokes. So then, like a good condom, that wraps this one up nice and tight. This is Robert Zarp, and I bid you an uno, dos, adios!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).