Hey all, I'm Sean Carless, and this TABOO TUESDAY. And in honor of this event's name, I went out and had sex with a dead body tonight! And in the spirit of the pay-per-view's concept, the arresting officers in turn gave me three choices:
A) Go to prison.
B) Psychological Evaluation.
C) Both A & B.
Ok, I lied, they didn't give me a choice. But WWE has! THE POWER IS YOURS! You, John Q. Fatbody, *finally* gets to have his voice heard! Just so long as that voice is saying "I choose 'HBK', 'Steel Cage' and 'Street Fight' " that is. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. If we can't even elect a fucking President without chicanery, than what chance does a fucking schmoe like Val Venis have at getting a shot at a title? Exactly.
Tonight's show comes to us from San Diego, which as we all know is German for a whale's vagina.
Anyhoo, normally, I'm all psyched up come PPV time, but tonight I'm lethargic, a little drunk, and lazy as shit. This is of course code for "I'll be half assing it". But don't fret my friend; I'll be back with a full ass before you know it. Live with that visual.
Oh, and before I forget. In honor of WWE's "really subtle" attempts to sway voters to choose the options THEY truly want, I have included several equally *REALLY SUBTLE* subliminal messages in this Rant. Brought to you by me, Family Guy, and the Tobacco industry. Enjoy.
Onto the show~!
In lieu of J.R. having Colon surgery (he now has a semi-colon), tonight's PPV is called by "the Voice of ECW" Joey Styles! Who of course is joined by "The Face of teen sex offenders" Jerry Lawler.
Before the actual PPV, Shelton Benjamin teamed with Val Venis to face Kerwin White and Matt Striker. The tough part of this match is trying to figure out why these teams are even teaming up in the first place. All I could come up with for Val/Benjamin is, since Shelton is black, he's the only guy in the company who can go penis for penis with Val. So from a phallic point of view, the team obviously makes sense. I think. Anyway, Striker ended up winning the match by pinning Shelton with of all things a school boy. SWEET IRONY. Poor Shelton. One year ago, he won the voting that allowed him to walk away from the event as Intercontinental Champion, and now he's jobbing to a guy who not six months ago was probably helping your little retard make some shitty abortion out of paper mache in Art class. Tough break.
Chris Masters w/ MASTERLOCK & Edge w/ Lita whose vagina needs a real Masterlock Vs........ MATT HARDY AND REY MYSTERIO w/ ANGST and EMOTIONS, but the will of the people.
Ha-ha, it looks like the online vindication of Bob Holly will have to wait another year. But just as a safety precaution, if you have less than 2 years in the business, you might want to put on a suit of armor or something. Trust me on this.
Anyway, surprising to me was the fact that Matt Hardy got even more votes than Rey Mysterio, who was so heavily (and obviously) pushed to get the nod in this spot. Which of course proves that it is actually possible for a teenage girl to eat Haagen-Dazs straight from the container with one hand, and still log on to WWE.com with the other. And if you really think about it, Rey and Matt are PERFECT partners for one another after the fucking Emo year they've both had. I can just picture their backstage conversation and subsequent bonding session:
Rey: "I can't produce the semen necessary to Father my own children."
Matt: "Well, I can produce as much semen as I want, but no one ever sticks around long enough for me to use it."
They then both hug and share a cry. It's beautiful.
Anyway, before the match, Edge SWERVES us all by informing us that he has nothing to gain by wrestling this match, and will be replaced by GENE SNITSKY. This friendship makes TOTAL sense to me. I mean, when your girlfriend is as loose as Lita apparently is, who better to keep company with than a dude who has no problem performing on the spot abortions? And especially one who's already aborted one of her children anyway? Exactly.
With that said, considering the vacuum of talent on the one side, Matt was awesome, and Rey had his (really tiny) work boots on tonight. Oh, and for the record, both a RAW referee and a SmackDown referee worked this match, simultaneously, to make sure no Shenanigans (Tm. Chavo Classic) went down.
Typical big guys versus little guys fare here, but Matt Hardy and Rey bumped their asses off, so it all looked good. At one point it looked like curtains for Rey, when Masters countered a Rey charge by posting him, then tossed him in the air and subsequently caught him in the Masterlock on the way down. Rey tries to fight it from there, by propelling his feet off the ropes, but Masters holds on, and now Rey is in more trouble. Confusion abounds when the SD referee tries to count Masters shoulders down (he was on his back) and the SmackDown official stopped his count. This brief distraction allowed Matt to slip in, and break the hold with a well timed leg drop. All Hell breaks loose from there; well, if Hell was filled with giant steroid-induced musclemen. And if there's any justice, that's so. Heaven is for cruiserweights and talented wrestlers. It's in your Bible somewhere. Check the section where that one guy dies and the other is an inspiration to a bunch people. Ya, somewhere in there.
Matt and Rey then execute stereo dives to the floor on Masters and Snitsky. Back inside, Matt takes out Snitsky with a HUGE DDT, and Rey and Matt finish off Masters as Rey hits a 619 after Matt gave him a drop-toe-hold, followed by a Matt Twist of Fate, and finally a Rey springboard splash to pick up the win. Wow. Somewhere Booker T. is probably asking himself why Rey is allowed to always win in his hometown, but he isn’t. Maybe it's the mask? I don't suggest Booker wear one though. The last time he slipped one on, Wendy's was light a couple of hundred bucks. AMIRITE? Ok, I'll leave the poor guy and his youthful indiscretions alone. Sucka.
Winners: Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio.That said, Gene Snitsky needs to get to dermatologist stat. Nasty shit going on there. I keep expecting Neil Armstrong to come out and land on him and plant a flag on his back. One small step for man. One giant unfortunate result of prolonged steroid use? Maybe.
-Backstage, we see a sketch between Mick Foley and Maria. They play off like there’s been a mix up with their luggage as Foley has some lingerie in his possession, and Maria is wearing his gear. The sketch ends up with Maria apparently stripping naked and returning Mick’s stuff before telling him to “have a nice day”. Foley then hilariously responds, “I think I just did.” Mick then presumably goes into the bathroom to pull something else out of his pants. And I'm pretty sure it ain't Socko.
-We’re now in the back with the legends (Kamala, Jim Duggan & Jimmy Snuka) to now find out who was voted in as Eugene’s partner. But wait, I’ll be damned if Hacksaw Duggan isn’t wearing the shorts that your Phys-Ed teacher would always make you wear from the lost and found when you forgot your gym clothes. That’s kinda awesome… and sad at the same time.
And the winner is…. Jimmy Snuka with 43% of the vote. Hey, let’s hope Matt Hardy’s not backstage and back at the hotel by now, because the last thing he needs is to stick around backstage and get girlfriend advice from this guy…..
Eugene & The corpse of ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka Vs. Rob Conway & Tyson Tomko
You know, that Tomko IS a Problem Solver. Tonight's problem? How to take an already terrible match on paper, and make it EVEN WORSE. Problem solved! Thanks, Tyson!
Eugene worked the bulk of this match, of course to prevent Jimmy from exploding into a fine dust mist. That's nice. Anyway, after putting up a valiant effort, Conway and Tomko begin dominating. Eugene is your retard in peril until he makes the hot tag to Jimmy! Head-butt by Jimmy! Umm, Head-butt by Jimmy! And wait for it…HEAD-BUTT BY JIMMY. Eugene in now, and he ditches Tomko out of the ring with a clothesline. Rock Bottom by Eugene! Although, I think this match already hit it about 5 minutes ago. Just saying.
Jimmy then goes up to the top, and after one standard western year passes, he hits the Superfly on Conway for the pin! I'm not going to say he was up there for a long time or anything, but I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes. It was just basically me typing stupid jokes on a computer until I died alone. Sounds about right. How depressing.
After the match, Tomko and Conway batter Snuka and Eugene, until Jim Duggan, his shorts, and Kamala make the save. Duggan gets the three point stance on Tomko, and Kamala hits the big splash. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Duggan’s music plays. Someone restarts Snuka's heart. And that’s a night.
Winners: Nobody who had to job to Conway for the last 3 months just so a 60 year old guy in women's underwear could end his fucking undefeated streak, that’s for sure.
-Tard Grisham is up on the podium to let us in on which Face of Foley we’ll see tonight. And the winner is…. MANKIND! Foley however will still be bringing all three stomachs of Foley to compete tonight.
Carlito Vs. Mankind
God bless Carlito's hair. He's the only guy I know who has to see the woman who gives Brazilians at the beauty parlor when he needs a Haircut. Anyway, a lot of people online have been bad mouthing Mick for this match, but I just can’t see it. This was clearly just a throw away match that was just meant to be fun. It wasn’t going to EVER be a hardcore war with huge bumps. Not with the build it had, that’s for sure. Just take it for what it is. Mick just giving us a nostalgia trip.
Despite the haters out there, I thought Mick did everything expected of him out there. He hit all his trademark spots, and they all looked great. From the Tree of Woe, to the running knee in the corner, to the Cactus elbow. He hit ‘em all and it looked credible from where I sat. Which for the record was in my neighbor's bushes with a camcorder. I may need one of you to bail me out by night's end. One sick spot saw Carlito grab Mankind by the hair on the floor, and pull him backwards, sending Mick head-first into the metal stairs. Ouch.
Anyway, back in the ring, Mankind goes on offense, hits the double-arm DDT, then pulls out Mr. Socko…complete with a Carlito-esque afro, and Carlito submits after receiving a mouth full of curlies with the mandible claw. Man, that must be what it’s like to go down on a European woman.
Winner: Mankind. Mankind wins clean! Wow. Turns out this was actually his first singles win since February 17, 2000 when he beat X-Pac. Awesome. Plus, you have to respect a guy who keeps a sock rolled up in his pants and is loved for it. I keep a rolled up sock in my pants too, but for some reason the ladies are always repulsed. It's probably because I stuff it on the opposite side though.
-We flash back to Eric Bischoff’s office. Vince McMahon enters for the obligatory Vince ego-fuck where he belittles Eric. You know, the “what happened to the guy who almost put me out of business?!” liner. Man, somewhere as we speak, Jerry O’Connell is sliding into a Universe where Eric won, and all the cruiserweights and guys under 250 lbs get to beat the shit out of Nitro GM Vince McMahon every week.
-It’s time to find out who you, the voters, chose to face John Cena and Kurt Angle in tonight’s Main Event tonight.
Your choices were:
A) Kane B) SHAWN MICHAELS C) Big Show;
Hey, like they were any less subtle...
The winner is HBK! SURPRISE~! The people have spoken! Baaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
This of course means that Big Show and Kane (Who surprisingly came dangerously close to actually winning this thing with 38% of the vote to HBK’s 46%) will face the tag-team champions. It's skillet hands and a dude with the inborn ability to heat them up, going for the belts, NEXT!:
Big Show & Kane Vs. ©Lance Cade w/o “Garrison” & Trevor Murdoch. World Tag Team Championship match;
Apparently Kane suffered a BROKEN BACK on this past week's RAW from a Big Show superplex. Damn. Brokeback Kane. And I don't mean in the gay cowboy sense. Because dear god that would be horrifying. Especially the handjobs. Who'd want to put their junk into a frying pan, if Jim Ross's boasts are to be believed? I also don't think I'll ever eat sausage or hot dogs again after this visual.
Anyway, despite his back being severely injured, Kane is good to go like nothing happened. Which of course proves one thing: Christopher Reeve was a pussy. Suck it up, mister!
Edit: I forgot that he’s dead. Well, just pretend he was still alive and continue on with your deserved disgust and hate for me and my callousness.
Anyway, this one is as basic as it gets. So much so that I derive more entertainment from listening to Joey Styles have to sell out his integrity and put over the size of Big Show’s hands in a very Jim Ross-like manner. Why is everyone so obsessed with this guy’s fucking banana hands? “You can push a soft boiled egg through one of his rings!!!!” Who the fuck would ever do that? I don’t know about you, but I don’t look at people’s jewelry and wonder to myself what kind of fucking produce I can push though it. Motherfucker has big hands, WE GET IT.
Anyway, the only real time the champs are on offense come when they briefly incapacitate Kane on the floor with their tandem lariat/sweep finisher called the “Sweet and Sour”, which I'm sure excited Show if only because it sounded like a type of dipping sauce. And here the poor guy probably had some chicken fingers cooking up in his hands in anticipation. Poor guy.
Cade & Murdoch from there then continue to wear Kane down back in the ring. Unfortunately though, this doesn’t last too long, and Kane gets the hot tag (HIYO) to Show, and after a flurry of head-butts (with his type writer head) and a big top rope clothesline by Kane, both men finish off Cade with a double goozle and choke slam. 1,2,3. New Champions. Very impressive effort by Kane considering the severity of his injury. But hey, he did also survive being burned over 90% of his body, only to show no effects bar a Sammy Davis Jr. wonky eye and half a fucking haircut. I'm sure there's some people in the burn ward right now who'd love to know his secret.
Winners and NEW Champions: Kane, Big Show and his skillet hands. Poor bastard. Apparently there isn't an appliance or device in your home that some commentator won't compare to a body part on this man. "His hands are like frying pans! He has a head like a type writer! His ass is like an old fashion stove! His legs are like heating ducts!" Etc. Man. One of these days, poor Show is just gonna snap and say " COME ON! I'M A HUMAN BEING, DICKS!" He'll then fry up some Eggs Florentine in his hands.
-After the match, Tard Grisham tries to get an interview with the new Champions, but Murdoch is on the apron talking trash. Kane and Show then goozle him and kill him after delivering another big double chokeslam. Deadneck? Maybe.
-It’s time to find out what the “Fantasy” will be in this "Fulfill your Fantasy" Battle Royal. Sadly, the girls aren’t wearing party hats and there’s no sign of a hot tub full of gravy and kielbasas, so considered this recapper’s fantasy unfulfilled. Oh, the actual winner is….LINGERIE.
-Video package of the thrilling clusterfuck that has become the Jonathan Coachman/ Batista showdown airs. Batista of course is replacing Stone Cold Steve Austin, who apparently decided to move furniture the same day as he was supposed to lose to Coachman. Can't say I blame him. Although, if WWE really wanted to make sure Austin showed up to kick ass, they should have booked him in the Diva match. Hey, just saying.
-It’s Vote time again for Batista vs. Coach. Your choices were A) Verbal debate B) Beer drinking contest C) Street Fight. And as much as the world would benefit from hearing Coach and Batista debate varying viewpoints on the turmoil in the Middle East, or whether a nationwide harmonized flat tax is a good idea, sadly, the vaunted verbal debate gave way to the street fight by a margin of 91%. Imagine that.
Jonathan Coachman w/ Goldust w/ Vader w/ excess tonnage Vs. Batista w/o Stone Cold: STREET FIGHT.
It’s Time! It’s Time! It’s
Vader Supper Time? Is it
just me, or is it a bit of coincidence that Steve Austin and Torrie Wilson’s disappearances have come the same day Vader
shows up looking 200 pounds heavier? Only the Vince McMahon inspired Dr. Hiney can truly get to bottom of this mystery!
Anyway, it almost breaks my heart to see Vader in this condition. And to those who were introduced to Vader for the first time this past Monday, you probably won’t believe me when I tell you that at one time, (It's Time!) Vader was considered the best pound for pound big man in wrestling history. Now he's a beachball with eyes. It's sad.
With that said, this one is pretty much a handi-cap match, and not just because only someone retarded would book it in the first place. Not even. Vader and Goldust do most of the wrestling, and Coach just basically hangs out on the apron. This all changes though when Batista goes on offense and destroys both Goldust and Vader, and throws Coach into the ring. However, the three men soon wear DAVE down, and Coach begins whipping The Animal with a belt while ‘Dust and Vader held him down. I'm sure they'll be hearing from the SPCA people very soon. Every day, SPCA saves 300 pound hosses from the clutches of cruel owners, then releases them back into their natural habitat: offices of underhanded pharmacists. True story.
From there, Dave rallies, and comes back with a spinebuster to Goldust, however Vader whiffs on his, and just tanks it on his ass. Batista yells “Fuck!”, then gets it right a second time. You know, they'd probably have had better results had they just made one of those clown punching bags with the weighted feet Coach's partner. Oh ya, with the two minions disposed of, DAVE then easily obliterates Coach with the Batista Bomb to end the misery.
Winner: Absolutely nobody. Dear Lord.
-Backstage, HBK is interviewed by Grisham on his being voted into the Main-Event. HBK says he feels like the popular kid in school again. But if this were really true, HBK would have stuffed Tard in a locker by now. Anyway, Angle approaches Michaels, and offers him a pact for tonight…eliminate Cena. HBK says "I’ll think about it". Come on, Shawn, WWJD? (he wouldn't wear those pants, I know that.)
Fulfill your Fantasy Battle Royal for Women’s Championship:
Trish Stratus © Vs. Victoria Vs. Candice Vs. Maria Vs. Ashley
Vs. Mickie James: Divas must wear Lingerie as voted by YOU the
Hey, how hard would it be to just get one of these women to have sex with a fucking horse or something just so this PPV can live up to its name? Ahem.
Anyway, despite the fact they’re wearing lingerie (or just bras and panties really) this match is actually fairly good. Not as good as the famous Gotch/Hackenschmidt lingerie matches of the early turn of the 20th century mind you, but close enough. The only real drawback (other than the fact that these women apparently glue their bras on backstage) is the fact that you can be eliminated by being thrown through the ropes, instead of the standard “over the top” rule. Strange. All I know is, when I'm callously tossing women over enclosed areas, I always insist they take the long way down. You see, I believe in equality.
The order of elimination is as follows, Maria by Trish and Mickie James to a surprising chorus of boos; Candace by Ashley (Gone Daddy?); Ashley by Victoria; Mickie saves Trish from surefire elimination, then tackles Victoria out...sacrificing herself as well, giving Trish the win. How noble. It's just like Saving Private Ryan. Only with big fake titties.
Winner: Trish Stratus. Not bad at all. Although, I don’t know why they always think the fanboys will love these type of matches so much. I could barely repeatedly masturbate to it.
-After the match, Trish is interviewed by Tard, but Mickie interrupts and grabs the mic, and kisses Trish’s ass to her annoyance. Although, not literally, with the sounds of wild saxophone music blaring as I'd have hoped. Say, why is this show called Taboo Tuesday again?
-Video package for HHH/Flair is next. “Sometimes you just need to take the horse behind the barn and pull the trigger”. I’m so going to put that on a card for my Grandpa sometime just to see what he says.
Voting time: STEEL CAGE wins at 83%. SURPRISE! And hey, it's good thing they had that Cage already hanging from the ceiling! That's just careful planning!
HHH Vs. © Ric Flair: Steel Cage match for the Intercontinental Title.
Hey, you know those pounds Stephanie lost? I think HHH found them. Ah, I kid, the Game. But he is looking a little puffier these days. Hey, maybe someone secretly put gravy in that water bottle?....
Anyway, this match was all kinds of AWESOME. And just goes to show you that no one has to really kill themselves to be remembered as a great match. It’s the little things. Some of which I actually remember. Ahem. Most people will remember this probably as a brutal match, but they really didn’t do anything overly dangerous. However, the pace, the blood and the emotion convinced us that they did. That’s good storytelling, people. Just then, I get the visual of HHH reading stories and how cool that'd be. "I'll-uh, huff-uh, I'll-uh, puff-uh, and I'll-uh blow your-uh house-uh, down-uh, said-uh the Big-uh Bad-uh Wolf-uh".
The best part though would be where he convinces children that all the pigs die because they weren't on the same level as the wolf and no one would buy it. It'd be great.
Ric Flair does color relatively early, and the flow is pretty awesome. There's a chance I enjoyed it because I remember being forced to do thankless jobs for the elderly, and seeing one pay the physical price somehow gives me a thrill. Maybe. The cut opened up when HHH pinned Flair between the ropes and the cage, and repeatedly rammed Flair’s head into the steel, before ultimately bouncing off the ropes and crushing Ric with a Stinger splash while he was still trapped. That's just ironic. I think.
HHH then somehow gets a hold of a chain, that just like in GTA, apparently just magically appeared out fucking nowhere, and seemingly KO’S Ric, but that only gets a 2 count. Soon after, HHH goes to work on Flair’s legs, and even applies the figure four. Flair sells the moment MASTERFULLY, as he yells out to the Game: “FUCK YOU! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! FUCK YOU!”, all while refusing to submit. Through sheer will, Naitch turns the Figure Four over and HHH gets the rope break to save himself. How this ends up hurting the other dude, whilst the guy crying out in pain moments before, now just upside down, STILL IN THE HOLD, is strangely no longer in agony is one of wrestling's great mysteries. Second only to how WWE cameramen actually cash their paychecks when no one at the bank can see them because they're invisible and/or don't exist. Yup.
Flair soon after regains the advantage and rams HHH into the cage opening him
up. Flair then takes HHH’s pins out with a chop block, as Styles on commentary brilliantly points out that Flair is
exploiting HHH’s Achilles heel:
New charismatic talent the Quad. Flair goes to
school from there, presumably in an 1800's school house (just saying) and applies his own figure four. Things
look bleak for Trips at this point, but somehow he’s able to trip up the referee who careens into Naitch to break the
hold. Flair then goes up to the top rope...but since he’s a babyface right now, he actually connects with a huge forearm
blow from the top. Physics are only Naitch's friend when he plays by the rules. It's just science. You can't fight it.
Flair now in control, bags HHH for good measure, and crawls for the door, but HHH grabs his ankle. Flair is half out when HHH pulls him back in...however, Flair drags a chair back in as he does. Trips however sees it coming and stomps on Flair’s hand before Naitch can raise the chair and use it. HHH then telegraphs Ric with the chair, but Ric grabs him by the balls! Testicular Claw by Naitch, crushing his nuts, and pretty much guaranteeing we won't be seeing Hunter Jr. pinning RVD Jr. anytime in the next twenty years unless he has a little surgery. But no worries, Trips himself will probably still insist on pinning him first. From there, HHH tries a desperation Pedigree off a midsection kick, but Flair back body drops out, retrieves the chair and brains the Game with it THREE times, each more brutal than the last. Flair then crawls to the door and escapes for the emotional win. Woooooooo!
Easily Flair’s best match since he came back to the WWE.
Winner: Ric Flair. Awesome match.
©John Cena Vs. Kurt Angle Vs. HBK: WWE Title Triple-threat match.
There’s a lot of talk going on the Internet that WWE should abort Cena’s Title reign because of how vocally the crowds (well the people who aren’t under 13 or have vaginas) are turning against him. But it won’t happen, folks. WWE is making money hand over ridiculous foam knuckle-covered fist with this guy as far as merchandise goes. That's life, baby. WORD LIFE.
Anyway, the story in this match is HBK and Angle forming a brief partnership, to eliminate Cena early, and settle their shit one on one. And they do just that early on when they smash Cena through the Spanish Announce Table (do these guys ever get to finish a pay-per-view?) with a double front suplex. This takes Cena out of the equation for quite a while, as Hugo and Carlos start their designs for a new Spanish table made entirely out of the same material black boxes are on planes.
Both Angle and HBK then trade offense for a while back in the ring, until HBK gains the momentum and goes up top, but Angle is playing possum, and springs up with a top rope Angle Slam! Granted, I've never seen a furry seemingly injured rodent belly to belly someone, but if WWE insists this is the natural behavior of possums, who am I to argue?
Angle then looks to finish, when Cena is suddenly back. The uncanny power of farmland hip hop compels him. He's a street thug, yo. And one of these days they'll actually pave that street, so watch out. Huge clothesline by Cena, from there. Cena dumps Angle out, and goes to work on HBK. Protobomb to HBK, but before he can get the five knuckle shuffle, Angle is back in, and Cena and Kurt spill to the floor. HBK recovers and hits a crazy-assed flipping senton that bowls over both men. Back inside, it’s all HBK. Flying forearm to Angle and kip up. Flying forearm to Cena and kip up. Angle however stops a potential chin music attempt by dumping HBK out of the ring with a HUGE belly to belly. Cena then goes on offense. Protobomb to Kurt. Five knuckle shuffle connects! He goes for the kill with the FU but Angle slips out, hooks a leg and gets the ankle-lock to a huge crowd pop. Cena tries to roll out, but Angle is clung to him like a spider monkey. Remind me not to ever go to that Zoo. Monkeys are scary enough when they jump on your car. Imagine submission skills. Angle now with the heel hook, and Cena is going nowhere! However, before Cena can tap, and by that I mean submit, and not do a little Sammy Davis junior inspired dance number, although, that'd add a new dimension to his PHAT beats, no doubt, here’s Shawn Michaels with the huge elbow drop from the top that crushes Kurt. HBK tunes up the band now, and connects with some Sweet Chin Music! However, he immediately turns into Cena who immediately scoops him up, and quickly finishes him with the FU! You can't see him! (if only.).
Winner and still Champion: John Cena. The joyous cries of joy of his fans can be heard around the globe!... Of course immediately followed by a stern "Hey you up there! Get to bed!". Stupid parents. They ruin everything.
End show. And all without any taboos being broken. Not even a black guy and protestant white girl finding love in the deep south. Not even. I call foul.
Final Thoughts: This pay-per-view pulled itself together well, considering all the chaos and controversy leading into it. The Triple-threat being a great match was a given, but Flair and HHH really pulled it out here, much like yours me'ly during the Divas match, and gave us an emotional classic. However, to me, the MVP of the night was Joey Styles, who called a great show, managed to get a post attitude era best performance out of Lawler, and genuinely made me laugh several times. He even got the line of the night when he said to Lawler after the Divas battle royal:
“I swear to God, King, the table just moved… and both of your hands were on top of it.”
“I swear to God, King, the table just moved… and both of your hands were on top of it.”
All in all, I have to say I enjoyed this PPV. I marked out for Flair. Found myself chanting “Tap out” when Angle had Cena in the anklelock, and thought Styles portrayed the evening’s action better then anyone else could. Sure the street fight was a complete turd, but like dating an ugly girl with a great body, it's best to just focus on the good parts. (I'm single, ladies!)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).