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"Great" Scott'sExtraordinarily GreatSurvivor Series Recapof Greatness

Survivor Series 2011 Recap

Hello, everyone.  I don’t know if you know me, but I’m “Great” Scott, and I write the SmackDown recaps for TWF.  Since most of the other writers on this site are smart enough to not spend $50 and three hours of valuable time watching WWE’s subpar PPVs, I’ve agreed to do it…mostly because I’m a loser.

I usually give a shout out to an unofficial sponsor and then I do a non-wrestling-related rant.  Since I’m thinking this recap will be long enough, I’m going to skip those two bits of goodness and get right to the event.

The show starts with an inordinate amount of John Cena footage.  I haven’t seen a referee get this much press since Tim Donaghy. (There’s a reference for the six NBA fans out there.)  The show is brought to you by Paper Jam, for those of you who can’t play an instrument and suck at Guitar Hero, but think air guitar is stupid.

Things start quickly, with…

Ted DiBiase vs. Daniel Bryan (for the United States Championship)

Wow, this feud has been going on for what, three days?  Nevertheless, it should be a good match.

Ted DiBiase’s new music?  Crap.  Maryse?  Unbelievably hot.

Michael Cole instantly scars the proceedings with his heel comments…what a waste of space that guy is.  Seriously, whoever thought it would be a good idea to make Cole a heel would probably cast Mister Rogers as a James Bond villain.

Bryan starts with a side headlock and a wrist lock that DiBiase reverses.  Bryan does some awesome stuff to escape, hits a dropkick, and puts DiBiase down.  He’s so awesome, the lights go off.  Bryan kicks DiBiase, who rolls to the apron and nails a shoulderblock to Bryan’s stomach.  DiBiase follows by suplexing Bryan to the outside.  Wow, that NEVER works.  Bryan looks dead.  DiBiase looks pissed.  Maryse looks hot.

DiBiase rolls Bryan in, but not before draping him over the apron, hitting a pair of elbows, and then hitting an elbow off the ropes.  Back in the ring, DiBiase gets a 2.74 count on a pin attempt.  Bryan gets a measure of revenge with a pair of stiff European uppercuts and a pair of kicks, but DiBiase catches the foot and pummels Bryan.  After another failed pin attempt, DiBiase clamps on a rear chinlock.  It’s good to see that his time with Orton wasn’t wasted.  Bryan tries to escape, but DiBiase drops him over his knee and follows with a perfect standing dropkick.  During another chinlock, a nice “Daniel Bryan” chant starts.  As Bryan gets to his feet, DiBiase tries a suplex, but Bryan escapes.  He manages a go behind and shoves DiBiase to the corner, and hits a painful-looking dropkick after DiBiase shrugs him off.  Ouch.

Both men are down for a few seconds, with Daniel Bryan taking the advantage with some nice kicks.  Bryan tries to send DiBiase to the corner and DiBiase reverses.  Bryan does a flip coming out of the corner and takes off for the ropes, finishing the exchange with a nice leaping sit down clothesline.  Bryan sends DiBiase to the ropes, and puts his head down, but DiBiase can’t capitalize on a kick, as Bryan sends him to the outside.  Bryan suicide dives through the ropes and…uh oh…that doesn’t look like it was supposed to happen that way, as he overshoots DiBiase a bit.  I can’t tell if this injury is legit, but Bryan sort of answers my question by immediately climbing to the top rope as DiBiase rolls into the ring.  Bryan hits a gorgeous seated dropkick off the top rope and goes for a cover, but only gets 2.893.

Bryan stalks DiBiase for a bit and hauls off with a series of kicks that look like they’re going to send DiBiase’s spine through his back.  Bryan backs up to punt DiBiase into next week, but Ted gets to his feet and catches Bryan’s leg.  Bryan, however, rolls up DiBiase with a small package…for 2.723.  Bryan tries to finish things with the LeBell Lock, but DiBiase’s having none of that and pulls off a clothesline that spins Bryan for a loop.  After a failed pin attempt, DiBiase kneels down and does some weird angry snorting thing.  He hoists Bryan up into Dream Street, which Bryan blocks.  A nice sequence follows where Bryan tries for a pin while DiBiase keeps the hold locked on.  Bryan finally escapes from the hold, only to run into a spinebuster by DiBiase.  A frustrated DiBiase fires off with some punches and sends Bryan to the corner.  He props Bryan up on the top rope…oops, Bryan escapes and crotches DiBiase on the top turnbuckle.  He follows with a top rope side suplex…nice!  Somehow, DiBiase escapes from a pin attempt.  Bryan, however, goes for the LeBell Lock again.  DiBiase escapes and slingshots Bryan into the corner.  DiBiase follows with a schoolboy rollup, but Bryan escapes and finally clamps on the LeBell Lock.  DiBiase taps.  That match was AWESOME.

Winner:  Daniel Bryan

Rating:  G

Cole tries to ruin the match by talking, but even Cole can’t fuck this up.  That match was unbelievable, especially considering there was no build-up for this feud whatsoever.

And because the WWE never wants Daniel Bryan to look credible for too long, The Miz comes out and flattens him with his big red lunchbox.  The lights go off AGAIN...Vince is going to have the lighting guy’s ass.

Miz essentially goes for the cheap heel heat, insulting the hometown Miami Heat and Lebron James.  Again, more NBA references for people who probably don’t even know what NBA stands for.

The Miz shifts gears and starts to actually talk about wrestling (sports entertainment).  He runs down Barrett and Orton and then says it’s not a matter of if, but when he’s going to cash in the suitcase, which looks a bit battered.  Miz is hard on his luggage.

Next, the announce team talks about the John Morrison/Sheamus feud.  Even this match had a pretty shitty buildup.  I’ll say one thing about this match: I’m thinking that Sheamus’ future with this company will be greatly affected by his performance here…as his work lately has been lackluster at best.

Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Ugh, Michael Cole is continuing his heel shtick here...shoot me…figuratively speaking, of course.

Sheamus starts things off strong by backing Morrison in the corner and slapping him in the mouth.  Morrison retaliates with a series of punches.  Sheamus regains control with a knee to the gut.  Eventually, Morrison sends Sheamus to the floor and follows with a spinning splash.  Sheamus quickly recovers and pops Morrison with a double axehandle.

Back in the ring, Sheamus stays on the offense with some stomps, a short arm clothesline, and a rear chinlock.  Morrison fights to his feet, but Sheamus puts him back down with a back elbow.  Sheamus follows with a stomp and some forearms to the kidneys and an inverted DDT backbreaker.  After a failed pin attempt, Sheamus locks on a half nelson.  Morrison quickly escapes, but runs right into a knee.  Sheamus pounds Morrison down with a series of stiff clubbing blows to the chest and goes for a pin that gets a 2.69 count.  The announce team makes pirate jokes as Sheamus continues to arrogantly beat on Morrison.  The pace is slow so far, but this actually hasn’t been too bad.  Sheamus props Morrison on the top turnbuckle.  Morrison gets in a pair of punches that only seem to piss Sheamus off, as he fires off more clubbing blows.  After a second, Morrison gets in a series of punches that send Sheamus to the mat.  Morrison goes for a high cross body, but Sheamus rolls through and hoists Morrison up into a powerslam.  That was cool sequence.  Sheamus eagerly awaits Morrison’s getting up, which we all know means that he’s going to miss on the next move he does…and he does, which allows Morrison to hit the Ghetto Blaster to the back of Sheamus’ ginger dome. 

The two men follow that with a series of punches and kicks, with Morrison getting the upper hand with a pair of clotheslines and a spinning heel kick.  Morrison tries to follow up, but runs right into the Irish Curse (which would be cooler if it were called the Ginger Snap).  Sheamus goes for the pin, but only gets 2.82.  More stalking follows, until Sheamus sets Morrison up for his finisher (which is not the Razor’s Edge).  Morrison manages to escape and slingshot Sheamus into the corner.  Morrison follows up with a side Russian leg sweep and a pin attempt.  Morrison beats the crap out of Sheamus in the corner until the ref pulls him off.  Morrison charges Sheamus, who tosses him over his head.  Morrison, however, lands on the second turnbuckle, but Sheamus kicks his leg out of his leg (RIP Owen Hart) and sends Morrison crashing to the canvas. 

Both men are beat, and rightfully so, as this has been a pretty good match.  Sheamus gets Morrison in the opposite corner and does what could be one of the coolest moves I’ve seen in a while.  It’s hard to describe, but Sheamus backs Morrison into the corner and then puts his back to Morrison.  He lifts Morrison’s leg over his shoulder, and then pulls down on Morrison’s leg, sending Morrison 180 degrees face first into the mat.  Sort of like a reverse Alabama Slam.  After another failed pin attempt, Sheamus locks on a half Boston crab.  Morrison gets to the ropes and manages to escape Sheamus with a roll up.  Sheamus maintains control by clipping Morrison’s leg.  Sheamus gets Morrison to his feet, grabs his injured leg, and then proceeds to slap and taunt him.  Morrison, however, takes umbrage, and dropkicks his way out.  Morrison sees that Sheamus is in position for Starship Pain (well, sort of in position, as we see Sheamus wiggle a bit to get into better position), but Sheamus gets up and thumps Morrison in the back.  After a head butt, Sheamus snares Morrison into his finisher (which is not the Diamond Death Drop), and Morrison escapes again.  Sheamus tries to regain control with a kick, but ends up crotching himself over the top rope.  Morrison nails his kick off the second rope and then hits a running knee (well, more like thigh) to the face for the win.

Winner:  John Morrison

Rating:  G

That match was really good, too.  Good stuff from both men.  Sheamus was slow and deliberate, with a few nice power moves, and Morrison hit some nice high spots.  So far, so good.

Next, because the WWE doesn’t want to spoil us, we have to sit through a Knucklehead commercial and a Cena/R-Truth segment.  In a stroke of genius, R-Truth suggests that he interferes in the championship match to help Cena.  This segment is idiotic for at least three main reasons:

·         R-Truth reveals his plan two hours before the main event, giving Orton plenty of time to beat the shit out of him beforehand.

·         Cena refuses R-Truth’s help.  Why?  Didn’t Orton kick your father in the head one time?  I mean, honestly, can’t the WWE maintain a liiiiiittle bit of continuity?  I understand “wanting to do the right thing,” but the guy KICKED YOUR DAD IN THE HEAD!!

·         It’s funny that Cena is “doing the right thing” now, but he wanted to screw over Nexus seven ways to Sunday when he first had to join.  The stupid computer general manager had to enforce the rules of the Barrett/Cena bet…but I guess the WWE Universe can’t remember things that happened a month or two ago.

Anyway, after this ridiculous little tête-à-tête, we return to the announce table, where we learn that the next match is yet another potentially good match with a crappy build up…

Kaval vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) (for the Intercontinental Championship)

I get the idea here, with the underdog vs. the cocky champion, but this really should’ve gotten more than a one-match buildup.  This match, however, has the potential to be reeeeeally good.

A long tie up leads to a Ziggler cheap shot that misses, allowing Kaval to wallop him with a chop.  Kaval follows this with a big shoulder block, a headbutt, and another chop.  Ziggler, however, hits an elbow to the midsection and follows with the Mr. Perfect running neck snap.  After a failed pin attempt, Ziggler pops Kaval and then takes Kaval down with a fireman’s carry.  Kaval tries to get back in the game, but Ziggler knees him in the midsection and lands an elbow to the back of Kaval’s head.  Ziggler mocks Kaval before tossing him into the ropes, where Kaval performs a slightly off-target springboard body press.  Kaval takes Ziggler to the corner and lays in a chop and some mounted punches.  Vickie, though, proves to be Kaval’s undoing, as she distracts him long enough for Ziggler to slip out and trip up Kaval.  Ziggler takes control with a sleeper/half nelson combo hold.  When Kaval gets to his feet, Ziggler turns the hold into a neckbreaker.  After a failed pin attempt, Ziggler reapplies the hold.

After a few seconds, Kaval fights up and lands a trio of elbows and a punch before Ziggler fights back.  His momentum doesn’t last long, though, as he runs into a boot from Kaval.  From there, Kaval hits two running forearms.  The two men swap misses, and then Kaval hits a pair of sharp-looking kicks.  Kaval follows this with a stinger splash and a sorta’ mistimed moonsault.  Kaval hoists Ziggler to his feet and hits another wicked chop, and then Irish whips Ziggler…err, I think they messed the spot up, but Kaval ends up kicking the living crap outta’ Ziggler.  I think Ziggler zigged when he should’ve zagged, because that kick hit him square in the nose…holy shit.  Ziggler’s head snapped back about a foot.  He might be out.

Somehow, Ziggler kicks out of that…amazing.  Kaval heads up to the top, but Ziggler stops him.  He manages to lock on a sleeper from the second rope, but Kaval headbutts his way out.  Kaval goes for a corkscrew-moonsault-shooting-star-splash or some damn thing, but Ziggler moves.  Kaval (sorta’) lands on his feet, and manages to get a backslide in on a charging Ziggler.    Ziggler kicks out and immediately hits the leaping leg drop.  Both men are slow to get up.  Ziggler finally clamps on a sleeper, but Kaval rolls him out of it.  Kaval charges and Ziggler tosses him to the second rope (in a move that Sheamus and Morrison just did), and Kaval leaps from the second rope to hit a spin kick on Ziggler.  Kaval gets a 2.799 on the pin attempt, and is too tired to follow up.  Kaval makes it up first and kicks Ziggler again.  Ziggler sneaks in a kick and then hits a headbutt.  He backs Kaval to the corner and pounds on him some more.  Ziggler misses a corner charge after an Irish whip and Kaval tries to roll him up, but Ziggler holds on to the ropes in the corner.  The two men exchange pin attempts, and Ziggler eventually rolls through and grabs a handful of tights to get the win.

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler

Rating: 

Yeah, there were some botched spots in this, and Ziggler appears to be bleeding from the nose, but these two guys really put on a good show.  I would rather have some risks taken and see a botched spot or two than sit through a Kane-Undertaker snoozefest.

Well, that’s three for three, and the traditional (or “vintage” if you’re Michael Cole) Survivor Series match is coming up.

In the back, Jack Swagger cuts a pretty funny promo until Cody Rhodes comes in to double the lisp quotient.  Alberto Del Rio comes in and does the best pep talk a heel can possibly do.

Team Mysterio (Big Show, Chris Masters, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Rey Mysterio) vs. Team Del Rio (Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre, Tyler Reks, and Alberto Del Rio)

MVP actually gets a big pop, as he’s from Miami.  Good for him.  He’ll probably be the first to go…

This is probably going to be a cluster, so I’ll just hit the highlights.

Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio start strong, and then Del Rio and MVP make appearances.  MVP, Kingston, and Masters work over Del Rio, until Masters gets caught in the heel corner.  Masters gets worked, including four pretty sweet clotheslines from Drew McIntyre.  Eventually, Masters tags to MVP, who works over McIntyre.  Del Rio eventually distracts MVP, which allows McIntyre to recover.  McIntyre rolls to the apron and MVP tries to suplex him back in, but Del Rio trips him up, allowing McIntyre to get the pin.  Good night, MVP.  Screw you Miami.

Masters takes offense and charges McIntyre.  Del Rio tags in, but he’s quickly assaulted by Masters as well.  Unfortunately, Masters’ advantage is short lived, as Del Rio hits a leaping arm breaker and then applies his cross arm breaker to eliminate Masters.  It’s five on three…I’m thinking the heels are still going to lose.

Big Show decides he’s going to get involved now.  Del Rio plays the coward card and tags to Swagger.  Swagger actually manages to take Show off his feet, so Del Rio tags back in and smacks Big Show in the head.  Oops.  Del Rio tries to tag Drew McIntyre, who essentially says, “Fuck off,” but Del Rio tags him anyway, then proceeds to brag about it.  Big Show punches him in the face for his trouble.  I’m assuming that’s the end of Del Rio.

After this, Big Show brings McIntyre in the hard way, and beats on him for a bit.  McIntyre fights back and tries to go for his double underhook DDT, but that’s like DDT’ing a minivan. 

After some more action, things take a turn for the silly as Kingston has the nerve to smack Rhodes in the face.  Since he’s dashing and all, Rhodes throws a hissy fit and starts beating up inanimate objects at ring side.  Eventually, Rhodes rolls back in the ring and Kingston punches him again…RIM SHOT.

Big Show gets back in, and proceeds to torment Rhodes, finally putting him out of his misery by punching him senseless.  It’s now three on three.

Reks makes his first appearance by hitting a mean shoulder tackle on the Big Show.  The heels take turns kicking Show, and then Swagger applies a leg lock.  Show fights back, almost hitting a chokeslam.  Swagger rolls through in a pretty slick spot and applies the ankle lock.  Show tags to Rey, and he and Swagger put on a nice display.  After a bit, Swagger applies the ankle lock to Mysterio.  However, Rey escapes and it ends up being Kingston and Reks coming in.  Kingston dominates for a bit, and then Reks manages a move or two, but Kingston does a nifty kick while wrapped in the “Tree of Woe” (or “Whoa” if you’re Joey Lawrence).  This, apparently, is enough to pin Tyler Reks.

McIntyre tries to come in to avenge his fallen comrade, but he walks right into Trouble in Paradise.  Swagger tags in and exchanges reversals with Kingston.  Kingston tries for Trouble in Paradise again, but  Swagger clamps on the ankle lock…bye bye Kingston.  It’s two on two.

Show and Mysterio try some double team shenanigans, but McIntyre breaks it up.  Swagger and Mysterio go at it for a bit, with Mysterio getting the better of things.  Mysterio hits a splash off of Big Show’s shoulders to get the pin on Swagger. 

McIntyre doesn’t realize he stands no chance, but he learns in about nine seconds…as Rey hits the 619 and show hits a (sloppy) chokeslam to put the “Sinister Scotsman” away.

Winners: Team Rey Mysterio (Big Show and Rey Mysterio)

Rating: 

That match was pretty good for what it was.  I probably wouldn’t have had the same old guys win, and I probably would’ve given Tyler Reks a little more time (since you made it a point to put him in there), but it wasn’t bad.  Decent stuff from everyone involved.

After the match, we head to Josh Matthews, who’s interviewing Dull McBoring in the back.  At least with hair he doesn’t look like a walking penis.  In his monotone voice, Orton essentially says he doesn’t care about anyone but Wade Barrett.  Yup, that was gripping.

Hey, the first match with an actual setup!  Fun!  I’m just hoping they make the right decision here…

LayCool (Layla and Michelle McCool) vs. Natalya (for the Divas Championship)

Apparently, the rule for this is that LayCool has to tag in and out.  Gotcha’.

Michelle starts out, and she quickly takes Nattie down.  Nattie finally returns the favor, but Michelle quickly regains control.  She tags to Layla, who hits a leaping clothesline and goes for a quick pin.  After a pair of forearms, Layla kicks Nattie through the ropes.  Layla distracts the ref long enough for Michelle to get involved, and then Layla pops off another kick.  LayCool tries a double suplex, but Nattie ends up suplexing both opponents…nice.  Nattie rolls back out, where Michelle tries a sneak attack, but she ends up crotching herself over the security wall.  Layla tries to help out, and she ends up on top of Michelle.

Natalya eventually grabs Michelle, who tries to turn the tables.  However, Natalya sends Michelle into Layla.  With Layla out of the picture, Natalya locks on the Sharpshooter and gets the win.  That was quick.

Winner (and new Divas Champion): Natalya

Rating:  G

Congratulations, strong, smart, powerful woman, here’s your belt with a butterfly on it.  All kidding aside, that was an okay match.  It’s good to see they put the belt on someone who actually deserves it.  They’ll probably create another women’s belt for Michelle, since she’s still married to The Undertaker.

After the match, LayCool jumps Natalya.  However, Beth Phoenix’s music cues up and she comes out to make the save.  She nails Layla with the double chicken wing slam, and sends the heels away.  With Beth Phoenix back, the amount of talented women wrestlers just doubled.

In the second Paper Jamz pack, they’ll have a kazoo, triangle, recorder, and didgeridoo!

Next, we’re “treated” to the setup for the Kane/Edge match.  It’s funny that this match has had the longest and most involved setup so far and I care the LEAST about it.  I guess maybe the backstory’s not that important…or it may be that Kane is involved and I could give two shits about him.  I realize that this is a “thanks for sticking around so long” championship reign, but I don’t have to like it.

Kane vs. Edge (for the World Heavyweight Championship)

Why do they have the champion come out first?  It’s supposed to be challenger first…jeez.

Edge brings out an empty wheelchair, which angers Kane.  Edge makes his second mistake by slapping Kane.  Edge uses some trickery to get a few moves in, but leaps into a chokeslam…nope.  Edge follows up with the slowest spinning heel kick I’ve ever seen, but Kane shrugs it off and lays in some punches.  Edge uses more trickery to regain control outside the ring, and gets a pair of punches in before Kane reverses…no, Edge clips Kane’s knee and stays in control.

Edge continues to work on Kane’s knee, wrapping it around the ring post and stomping it in the corner.  Kane finally escapes from a leg lock and punches Edge.  He follows it by draping Edge over the top rope and booting him to the outside.  This match is moving at the speed of a funeral precession.

Kane punches away on Edge and then Irish whips him into the corner.  Kane beats on Edge while asking him where Paul Bearer is.  Hey Kane, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar!  Maybe you should stop beating on the guy and say, “Please, I’d like to know where my father is.”  Kindness…it just might work.

Kane does more stuff that I’m not paying attention to because I typed those last two joke sentences.  Edge tries to fight out of a hold, but Kane ends up hitting a seated dropkick.  This rest hold seems like it’s been locked on for two hours.  Edge punches free again, and then escapes a Kane back body drop.  Edge follows up by heading to the top and hitting a high cross body.  Kane (yet again) shrugs off the attacks and heads to the top rope while Edge eases into position.  Kane goes for his “flying” clothesline (in quotes because he actually hits the ground before he hits the clothesline), but Edge dropkicks him in the midsection.  Edge works up the weakest head of steam ever and hits two sloppy clotheslines, and then hits a body block on Kane as he’s draped over the middle rope.  Kane ends up punching Edge as he tries a second rope double axehandle, but Edge recovers after he escapes from a suplex.  Unfortunately, he can’t capitalize, as he walks right into a Dino Bravo side slam.

Kane meanders over to the top rope, where he’s caught by Kane.  Edge ends up getting crotched on the top rope, and Kane clotheslines him off…at least that was a semi-interesting spot…a cherry on this turd sundae.  Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Edge DDTs him.  Michael Cole talks about a momentum shift…um, wouldn’t there have to be momentum first? 

Edge tries for the spear, but he runs into a boot.  Kane follows up with a chokeslam and it’s…NO.  Edge kicks out, and Kane isn’t happy about it.  Kane signals for the tombstone piledriver, but Edge ducks and hits the spear.  The two men lay with an arm on each other.  The ref counts three and the winner is…

Ummmm…Edge’s music is playing, so it must be…nope.  The ref declares the match a TIE?!?  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  This is a championship match; start the damn thing up again and have a real ending, you dickwads.

Winner: No one…BECAUSE IT’S A TIE!

Rating: 

This match sucked to begin with, but I was going to be generous and call it average.  Thanks to one of the stupidest endings in all of “sports entertainment,” I’m going to give this exactly what it deserves.  What a cheap shit ending.

After the match, Edge puts Kane in the wheelchair and shoves him through the security barricade.  Whatever.  The one frickin’ match with some buildup ends in a tie and Paul Bearer isn’t even part of it.  Maybe WWE should stick to throwing shit together at the last second…that seems to work better for them because their storywriting skills suck.

After the match, Cena and Wade Barrett have a heart-to-heart talk.  I still think Barrett is one of the best guys on the mic I’ve seen in a while.  His in-ring work needs a little help, but he’s definitely got the mic work right.

After this heartfelt moment, we head back to the ring for…

Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (for the tag team titles)

If Santino and Kozlov win the belts here, the crowd will go ape shit, which pretty much ensures they won’t.

Santino starts with Slater.  Santino quickly takes Slater over, so Slater tags to Gabriel.  Santino and Gabriel actually have a nice little exchange, and then Kozlov tags in.  He beats the holy hell out of Gabriel until he clips the Russian’s knee.  Gabriel tries to follow up by leaping onto Kozlov, but the big Russian plants his head right into Gabriel’s midsection, sending him to the outside.

Gabriel manages to regain control by stunning Kozlov over the top rope.  He follows with a neckbreaker and tags to Slater.  Slater comes in and hits a knee drop and a few kicks before tagging out.  The two members of Nexus exchange a few quick tags while stomping a mudhole in Kozlov.  Kozlov tries to punch out of a Gabriel neck wrench, but Gabriel maintains control with a kick and a front facelock.  The crowd is chanting for Santino…awesome.  Eventually, Kozlov tries to make the tag, but Slater gets involved, allowing for some double teaming.  Slater tags in and applies a front facelock, as well.  Kozlov finally evens the odds with a diving clothesline, allowing him to tag to Santino.  Santino comes in and runs through his offense on Slater.  Gabriel gets involved, so Kozlov plows him straight through the ropes.  Santino signals for the cobra, but Otunga and Hennig get involved, allowing Slater to hit his finisher from behind to get the win on Santino.

Winners:  Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater

Rating: 

This match shows how weak the tag division is.  These are seriously two of the three remaining tag teams left in WWE.  I can’t think of two reasons why they needed to break up the Hart Dynasty.

After the match, Nexus beats on the face team.  Because this PPV hasn’t started to suck enough already, the stupid RAW commissioner computer signals that Michael Cole needs to stand up and get booed.  I guess since they’ve only hyped the main event 95 percent of the time, we need to be reminded that Nexus is banned from ringside during the match.  Seriously, does Vince think the entire WWE audience is like that guy from Memento?

Before we get to the main event, we get to sit through ANOTHER video package on John Cena…THE REFEREE for the match.  Seriously, Randy Orton is an afterthought here…and I frickin’ hate Randy Orton. 

Oh God, there’s a music video for this?  This is absolutely agonizing.  Where’s the remote?

Thank the lord for the fast forward button…

Wade Barrett vs. John Ce…err, sorry, Randy Orton (for the WWE Championship)

As I look at Wade Barrett, I can think of WWE pictures next movie…do a version of Sherlock Holmes with Santino as Sherlock Holmes and Kozlov as Dr. Watson.  Make Wade Barrett the villain and I guarantee they’re sitting on a GOLD MINE.  I would buy six copies of the DVDs myself.

An absolute genius (wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage shirt, no less) has a sign that says, “Orton, U Still Suck,” Amen, brother.  The stupid fans chant, “RKO,” and the guy with the sign takes offense.

Oh yeah, there’s a “match” going on here.  Orton shoulderblocks Barrett when I start paying attention and instantly locks on a rest hold…wow, 40 seconds in.  Orton does another shoulder tackle and we have to sit here for a few seconds.  Randy applies a side headlock for his second rest hold, but Barrett backs him into the corner and beats on him for a few seconds.  Orton quickly fights back with a clothesline, a kick, and a European uppercut.  Orton gets Barrett in the corner and punches away until Cena pulls him away.  Barrett takes advantage of the distraction by booting Orton in the face. 

Barrett takes control from this point, choking him over the bottom rope and stomping away on him in the corner.  Cena has to pull him off, too…which allows Orton to land a dropkick (!!!) and some mounted punches.  Orton breaks out some varied offense, with more kicks and stomps.  Barrett rolls to the outside, and regains control when Orton follows.  Instead of counting, Cena nonchalantly wanders outside and watches the action.  Oh yeah, there’s no count out in this…my bad.

Back in the ring, Barrett lands a trio of punches…and gets a two count on a pin attempt.  He continues to dominate with an Irish whip and a chin lock.  Orton makes his way to his feet and punches out of the hold, but Barrett knees him in the midsection and kicks him in the face.  He goes back to the chinlock and the crowd is pretty much dead.  This match is horrible.

Orton fights out of the hold again, and manages a side suplex.  The two opponents exchange punches and kicks, with Orton taking advantage with two European uppercuts.  He follows up with a pair of clotheslines and a low powerslam.  After that, he clotheslines Barrett out of the ring.  Barrett, however, slams Orton into the ringpost.  He rolls Orton back in the ring, but Orton kicks him as he reenters.  Barrett tries to regain control with a thumb to the eye, but he runs into Randy Orton’s one interesting move (the over-the-back back breaker that Mike Sanders used to do).  Barrett survives the attack and goes to the top rope and lands an elbow drop that gets him a two count.  Barrett follows up with a pump handle slam that gets him 2.8.  Cena’s slow counts are starting to wear on Barrett.  Barrett tries to finish things off, but Orton escapes, only to fall prey to a Big Boss Man slam.  Speaking of The Big Boss Man, I’m having a HARD TIME watching this match!!  RIM SHOT!

Anyway, Barrett fails to get a victory on another pinfall…and it appears he has a bit of what looks like man mayonaise on his face.  Disgusting.  At least he wipes it off quickly.  Hopefully, he doesn’t run his hand through his hair or we’ll have another There’s Something About Mary moment.

Barrett has another discussion with Cena, which allows Orton to recover and hits his suspended DDT.  Orton has what appears to be a seizure, which I’m assuming is his signal for the RKO.  Barrett rolls out of the ring, and then kicks Orton when he follows him back inside.  Barrett manages to hit Wasteland, but Orton grabs the rope on the two count.  Barrett has had enough, and he shoves Cena.  Cena shoves him back, right into an RKO by Orton.  Cena makes the count and Orton wins.

Striker awesomely screams, “CENA’S FREE.”  I can understand his confusion…they haven’t been hyping the stupid stipulation EVERY FRICKIN’ TEN MINUTES ON WWE PROGRAMMING!! 

Winner:  Randy Orton

Rating: 

That match was pretty weak.  The ending was the only thing making it even watchable…sort of.

After the match, Nexus really serves no purpose, as they come out, get in a minor skirmish with Orton and Cena, and run away.  That made little to no sense.

After the “attack,” Cena goes to get the belt and present it to Randy Orton.  They hug.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  THE GUY KICKED YOUR DAD IN THE HEAD!!

Eventually, Randy leaves the ring so we can spend an inevitable 20 minutes watching Cena be all conflicted.  This is what I paid $50 for…Cena’s emotional turmoil.  A “Cena” chant finally starts up (that actually took a while), while some people intelligently boo.  Cena then insults military personnel everywhere by sloppily saluting his…I don’t even know what he calls his fans that relates to the military…the CeNation?  The Chain Gang?  I didn’t think either of those two was military-themed.

Next, Cena does something odd and goes to the announce table and only hugs Michael Cole…that’s bizarre.  No love for Jerry or Matt?  I thought Cole was the evil heel announcer…didn’t he cheer for The Miz when he fought Cena?

After that, Cena goes and shakes hands with some random fans (one of whom is the infamous Sign Guy), while completely ignoring everyone else…nice.  Then, he points and the camera and thanks me.  For what, I don’t know.  This needs to end.  Now.  Even the logo thinks this needs to end…as it appears in the corner to deter Cena from continuing.  But even the logo can’t stop Cena, as he heads into the crowd to let stupid morons touch him.  It’s really not authentic when 40 security guards are following you, John.

Finally, Cena makes a full trip around the arena, and makes his exit…and this thing is over.  Thank GOD.

Well, that was a very inter

esting pay-per-view…for a lot of different reasons.  Anyway, let’s hand out some awards and call it a night.

The Really Great Thing of the Night:  The first three matches were all awesome…I’ll call it a three-way tie.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night:  The second half of the show was pretty weak overall, but I’m going to award this to the ending of the Kane/Edge fight.  A tie?  Seriously?

Well, that show was a complete contradiction.  All of the matches that were hyped and built up kinda’ sucked, while the thrown-together matches were all really good.  This just proves that WWE has the talent, but they really need to get a decent writing staff together…and maybe shake up the main event picture a bit.  Barrett, Kane, Orton, and Edge out…perhaps Bryan, Ziggler, Del Rio, and Swagger in.  They just need to do something…there’s a lot of great talent on the roster that proved themselves tonight…I just hope the right folks were watching.

Well, that’s it for me…I’m “Great” Scott, and I’m out.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).