Survivor Series 2011 Recap
Hello, everyone.
I don’t know if you know me, but I’m “Great” Scott, and
I write the SmackDown recaps for TWF. Since most of
the other writers on this site are smart enough to not
spend $50 and three hours of valuable time watching
WWE’s subpar PPVs, I’ve agreed to do it…mostly because
I’m a loser.
I
usually give a shout out to an unofficial sponsor and
then I do a non-wrestling-related rant. Since I’m
thinking this recap will be long enough, I’m going to
skip those two bits of goodness and get right to the
event.
The show starts with an inordinate amount of John Cena
footage. I
haven’t seen a referee get this much press since Tim
Donaghy. (There’s a reference for the six NBA fans out
there.) The
show is brought to you by Paper Jam, for those of you
who can’t play an instrument and suck at Guitar Hero,
but think air guitar is stupid.
Things start quickly, with…
Ted DiBiase vs. Daniel Bryan
(for the
Wow, this feud has been going on for what, three days? Nevertheless, it
should be a good match.
Ted DiBiase’s new music? Crap. Maryse? Unbelievably
hot.
Michael Cole instantly scars the proceedings with his
heel comments…what a waste of space that guy is. Seriously,
whoever thought it would be a good idea to make Cole a
heel would probably cast Mister Rogers as a James Bond
villain.
DiBiase rolls
Both men are down for a few seconds, with Daniel Bryan
taking the advantage with some nice kicks. Bryan tries to
send DiBiase to the corner and DiBiase reverses. Bryan does a
flip coming out of the corner and takes off for the
ropes, finishing the exchange with a nice leaping sit
down clothesline.
Bryan sends DiBiase to the ropes, and puts his
head down, but DiBiase can’t capitalize on a kick, as
Bryan sends him to the outside. Bryan suicide
dives through the ropes and…uh oh…that doesn’t look like
it was supposed to happen that way, as he overshoots
DiBiase a bit.
I can’t tell if this injury is legit, but Bryan
sort of answers my question by immediately climbing to
the top rope as DiBiase rolls into the ring. Bryan hits a
gorgeous seated dropkick off the top rope and goes for a
cover, but only gets 2.893.
Bryan stalks DiBiase for a bit and hauls off with a
series of kicks that look like they’re going to send
DiBiase’s spine through his back. Bryan backs up
to punt DiBiase into next week, but Ted gets to his feet
and catches Bryan’s leg. Bryan, however,
rolls up DiBiase with a small package…for 2.723. Bryan tries to
finish things with the LeBell Lock, but DiBiase’s having
none of that and pulls off a clothesline that spins
Bryan for a loop.
After a failed pin attempt, DiBiase kneels down
and does some weird angry snorting thing. He hoists Bryan
up into Dream Street, which Bryan blocks. A nice sequence
follows where Bryan tries for a pin while DiBiase keeps
the hold locked on. Bryan finally
escapes from the hold, only to run into a spinebuster by
DiBiase. A
frustrated DiBiase fires off with some punches and sends
Bryan to the corner. He props Bryan
up on the top rope…oops, Bryan escapes and crotches
DiBiase on the top turnbuckle. He follows with
a top rope side suplex…nice! Somehow, DiBiase
escapes from a pin attempt. Bryan, however,
goes for the LeBell Lock again. DiBiase escapes
and slingshots Bryan into the corner. DiBiase follows
with a schoolboy rollup, but Bryan escapes and finally
clamps on the LeBell Lock. DiBiase taps.
That match was AWESOME.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Rating:
Cole tries to ruin the match by talking, but even Cole
can’t fuck this up.
That match was unbelievable, especially
considering there was no build-up for this feud
whatsoever.
And
because the WWE never wants Daniel Bryan to look
credible for too long, The Miz comes out and flattens
him with his big red lunchbox. The lights go
off AGAIN...Vince is going to have the lighting guy’s
ass.
Miz essentially goes for the cheap heel heat, insulting
the hometown Miami Heat and Lebron James. Again, more NBA
references for people who probably don’t even know what
NBA stands for.
The Miz shifts gears and starts to actually talk about
wrestling (sports entertainment). He runs down
Barrett and Orton and then says it’s not a matter of if, but when he’s going
to cash in the suitcase, which looks a bit battered.
Miz is hard on his luggage.
Next, the announce team talks about the John
Morrison/Sheamus feud.
Even this match had a pretty shitty buildup. I’ll say one
thing about this match: I’m thinking that Sheamus’
future with this company will be greatly affected by his
performance here…as his work lately has been lackluster
at best.
Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Ugh, Michael Cole is continuing his heel shtick
here...shoot me…figuratively speaking, of course.
Sheamus starts things off strong by backing Morrison in
the corner and slapping him in the mouth. Morrison
retaliates with a series of punches. Sheamus regains
control with a knee to the gut. Eventually,
Morrison sends Sheamus to the floor and follows with a
spinning splash.
Sheamus quickly recovers and pops Morrison with a
double axehandle.
Back in the ring, Sheamus stays on the offense with some
stomps, a short arm clothesline, and a rear chinlock.
Morrison fights to his feet, but Sheamus puts him
back down with a back elbow. Sheamus follows
with a stomp and some forearms to the kidneys and an
inverted DDT backbreaker. After a failed
pin attempt, Sheamus locks on a half nelson. Morrison quickly
escapes, but runs right into a knee. Sheamus pounds
Morrison down with a series of stiff clubbing blows to
the chest and goes for a pin that gets a 2.69 count.
The announce team makes pirate jokes as Sheamus
continues to arrogantly beat on Morrison. The pace is slow
so far, but this actually hasn’t been too bad. Sheamus props
Morrison on the top turnbuckle. Morrison gets in
a pair of punches that only seem to piss Sheamus off, as
he fires off more clubbing blows. After a second,
Morrison gets in a series of punches that send Sheamus
to the mat.
Morrison goes for a high cross body, but Sheamus
rolls through and hoists Morrison up into a powerslam.
That was cool sequence. Sheamus eagerly
awaits Morrison’s getting up, which we all know means
that he’s going to miss on the next move he does…and he
does, which allows Morrison to hit the Ghetto Blaster to
the back of Sheamus’ ginger dome.
The
two men follow that with a series of punches and kicks,
with Morrison getting the upper hand with a pair of
clotheslines and a spinning heel kick. Morrison tries
to follow up, but runs right into the Irish Curse (which
would be cooler if it were called the Ginger Snap). Sheamus goes for
the pin, but only gets 2.82. More stalking
follows, until Sheamus sets Morrison up for his finisher
(which is not the Razor’s Edge). Morrison manages
to escape and slingshot Sheamus into the corner. Morrison follows
up with a side Russian leg sweep and a pin attempt. Morrison beats
the crap out of Sheamus in the corner until the ref
pulls him off.
Morrison charges Sheamus, who tosses him over his
head.
Morrison, however, lands on the second
turnbuckle, but Sheamus kicks his leg out of his leg
(RIP Owen Hart) and sends Morrison crashing to the
canvas.
Both men are beat, and rightfully so, as this has been a
pretty good match.
Sheamus gets Morrison in the opposite corner and
does what could be one of the coolest moves I’ve seen in
a while.
It’s hard to describe, but Sheamus backs Morrison
into the corner and then puts his back to Morrison. He lifts
Morrison’s leg over his shoulder, and then pulls down on
Morrison’s leg, sending Morrison 180 degrees face first
into the mat.
Sort of like a reverse Alabama Slam. After another
failed pin attempt, Sheamus locks on a half Boston crab.
Morrison gets to the ropes and manages to escape
Sheamus with a roll up. Sheamus
maintains control by clipping Morrison’s leg. Sheamus gets
Morrison to his feet, grabs his injured leg, and then
proceeds to slap and taunt him. Morrison,
however, takes umbrage, and dropkicks his way out. Morrison sees
that Sheamus is in position for Starship Pain (well,
sort of in position, as we see Sheamus wiggle a bit to
get into better position), but Sheamus gets up and
thumps Morrison in the back. After a head
butt, Sheamus snares Morrison into his finisher (which
is not the Diamond Death Drop), and Morrison escapes
again.
Sheamus tries to regain control with a kick, but
ends up crotching himself over the top rope. Morrison nails
his kick off the second rope and then hits a running
knee (well, more like thigh) to the face for the win.
Winner: John Morrison
Rating:
That match was really good, too. Good stuff from both
men.
Sheamus was slow and deliberate, with a few nice
power moves, and Morrison hit some nice high spots. So far, so good.
Next, because the WWE doesn’t want to spoil us, we have
to sit through a Knucklehead
commercial and a Cena/R-Truth segment. In a stroke of
genius, R-Truth suggests that he interferes in the
championship match to help Cena. This segment is
idiotic for at least three main reasons:
·
R-Truth reveals his plan two hours before the main
event, giving Orton plenty of time to beat the shit out
of him beforehand.
·
Cena refuses R-Truth’s help. Why? Didn’t Orton
kick your father in the head one time? I mean,
honestly, can’t the WWE maintain a liiiiiittle bit of
continuity?
I understand “wanting to do the right thing,” but
the guy KICKED YOUR DAD IN THE HEAD!!
·
It’s funny that Cena is “doing the right thing” now, but
he wanted to screw over Nexus seven ways to Sunday when
he first had to join.
The stupid computer general manager had to
enforce the rules of the Barrett/Cena bet…but I guess
the WWE Universe can’t remember things that happened a
month or two ago.
Anyway, after this ridiculous little tête-à-tête, we
return to the announce table, where we learn that the
next match is yet another potentially good match with a
crappy build up…
Kaval vs. Dolph Ziggler (with
Vickie Guerrero) (for the Intercontinental Championship)
I get the idea here, with the underdog vs. the cocky
champion, but this really should’ve gotten more than a
one-match buildup.
This match, however, has the potential to be
reeeeeally good.
A long tie up leads to a Ziggler cheap shot that misses,
allowing Kaval to wallop him with a chop. Kaval follows
this with a big shoulder block, a headbutt, and another
chop.
Ziggler, however, hits an elbow to the midsection
and follows with the Mr. Perfect running neck snap. After a failed
pin attempt, Ziggler pops Kaval and then takes Kaval
down with a fireman’s carry. Kaval tries to
get back in the game, but Ziggler knees him in the
midsection and lands an elbow to the back of Kaval’s
head.
Ziggler mocks Kaval before tossing him into the
ropes, where Kaval performs a slightly off-target
springboard body press. Kaval takes
Ziggler to the corner and lays in a chop and some
mounted punches.
Vickie, though, proves to be Kaval’s undoing, as
she distracts him long enough for Ziggler to slip out
and trip up Kaval.
Ziggler takes control with a sleeper/half nelson
combo hold.
When Kaval gets to his feet, Ziggler turns the
hold into a neckbreaker. After a failed
pin attempt, Ziggler reapplies the hold.
After a few seconds, Kaval fights up and lands a trio of
elbows and a punch before Ziggler fights back. His momentum
doesn’t last long, though, as he runs into a boot from
Kaval. From
there, Kaval hits two running forearms. The two men swap
misses, and then Kaval hits a pair of sharp-looking
kicks.
Kaval follows this with a stinger splash and a
sorta’ mistimed moonsault. Kaval hoists
Ziggler to his feet and hits another wicked chop, and
then Irish whips Ziggler…err, I think they messed the
spot up, but Kaval ends up kicking the living crap
outta’ Ziggler.
I think Ziggler zigged when he should’ve zagged,
because that kick hit him square in the nose…holy shit.
Ziggler’s head snapped back about a foot. He might be out.
Somehow, Ziggler kicks out of that…amazing. Kaval heads up
to the top, but Ziggler stops him. He manages to
lock on a sleeper from the second rope, but Kaval
headbutts his way out. Kaval goes for a
corkscrew-moonsault-shooting-star-splash or some damn
thing, but Ziggler moves. Kaval (sorta’)
lands on his feet, and manages to get a backslide in on
a charging Ziggler.
Ziggler kicks out and immediately hits the
leaping leg drop.
Both men are slow to get up. Ziggler finally
clamps on a sleeper, but Kaval rolls him out of it. Kaval charges
and Ziggler tosses him to the second rope (in a move
that Sheamus and Morrison just did), and Kaval leaps
from the second rope to hit a spin kick on Ziggler. Kaval gets a
2.799 on the pin attempt, and is too tired to follow up.
Kaval makes it up first and kicks Ziggler again. Ziggler sneaks
in a kick and then hits a headbutt. He backs Kaval
to the corner and pounds on him some more. Ziggler misses a
corner charge after an Irish whip and Kaval tries to
roll him up, but Ziggler holds on to the ropes in the
corner. The
two men exchange pin attempts, and Ziggler eventually
rolls through and grabs a handful of tights to get the
win.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
Yeah, there were some botched spots in this, and Ziggler
appears to be bleeding from the nose, but these two guys
really put on a good show. I would rather
have some risks taken and see a botched spot or two than
sit through a Kane-Undertaker snoozefest.
Well, that’s three for three, and the traditional (or
“vintage” if you’re Michael Cole) Survivor Series match
is coming up.
In the back, Jack Swagger cuts a pretty funny promo
until Cody Rhodes comes in to double the lisp quotient. Alberto Del Rio
comes in and does the best pep talk a heel can possibly
do.
Team Mysterio (Big Show,
Chris Masters, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Rey Mysterio) vs.
Team Del Rio (Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre,
Tyler Reks, and Alberto Del Rio)
MVP actually gets a big pop, as he’s from Miami. Good for him.
He’ll probably be the first to go…
This is probably going to be a cluster, so I’ll just hit
the highlights.
Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio start strong, and then Del
Rio and MVP make appearances. MVP, Kingston,
and Masters work over Del Rio, until Masters gets caught
in the heel corner. Masters gets
worked, including four pretty sweet clotheslines from
Drew McIntyre.
Eventually, Masters tags to MVP, who works over
McIntyre.
Del Rio eventually distracts MVP, which allows
McIntyre to recover. McIntyre rolls
to the apron and MVP tries to suplex him back in, but
Del Rio trips him up, allowing McIntyre to get the pin.
Good night, MVP.
Screw you Miami.
Masters takes offense and charges McIntyre. Del Rio tags in,
but he’s quickly assaulted by Masters as well. Unfortunately,
Masters’ advantage is short lived, as Del Rio hits a
leaping arm breaker and then applies his cross arm
breaker to eliminate Masters. It’s five on
three…I’m thinking the heels are still going to lose.
Big Show decides he’s going to get involved now. Del Rio plays the
coward card and tags to Swagger. Swagger actually
manages to take Show off his feet, so Del Rio tags back
in and smacks Big Show in the head. Oops. Del Rio tries to
tag Drew McIntyre, who essentially says, “Fuck off,” but
Del Rio tags him anyway, then proceeds to brag about it.
Big Show punches him in the face for his trouble. I’m assuming
that’s the end of Del Rio.
After this, Big Show brings McIntyre in the hard way,
and beats on him for a bit. McIntyre fights
back and tries to go for his double underhook DDT, but
that’s like DDT’ing a minivan.
After some more action, things take a turn for the silly
as Kingston has the nerve to smack Rhodes in the face. Since he’s
dashing and all, Rhodes throws a hissy fit and starts
beating up inanimate objects at ring side. Eventually,
Rhodes rolls back in the ring and Kingston punches him
again…RIM SHOT.
Big Show gets back in, and proceeds to torment Rhodes,
finally putting him out of his misery by punching him
senseless.
It’s now three on three.
Reks
makes his first appearance by hitting a mean shoulder
tackle on the Big Show. The heels take
turns kicking Show, and then Swagger applies a leg lock.
Show fights back, almost hitting a chokeslam. Swagger rolls
through in a pretty slick spot and applies the ankle
lock. Show
tags to Rey, and he and Swagger put on a nice display.
After a bit, Swagger applies the ankle lock to
Mysterio.
However, Rey escapes and it ends up being
Kingston and Reks coming in. Kingston
dominates for a bit, and then Reks manages a move or
two, but Kingston does a nifty kick while wrapped in the
“Tree of Woe” (or “Whoa” if you’re Joey Lawrence). This,
apparently, is enough to pin Tyler Reks.
McIntyre tries to come in to avenge his fallen comrade,
but he walks right into Trouble in Paradise. Swagger tags in
and exchanges reversals with Kingston. Kingston tries
for Trouble in Paradise again, but Swagger clamps
on the ankle lock…bye bye Kingston. It’s two on two.
Show and Mysterio try some double team shenanigans, but
McIntyre breaks it up. Swagger and
Mysterio go at it for a bit, with Mysterio getting the
better of things.
Mysterio hits a splash off of Big Show’s
shoulders to get the pin on Swagger.
McIntyre doesn’t realize he stands no chance, but he
learns in about nine seconds…as Rey hits the 619 and
show hits a (sloppy) chokeslam to put the “Sinister
Scotsman” away.
Winners:
Team Rey Mysterio (Big Show and Rey Mysterio)
Rating:
That match was pretty good for what it was. I probably
wouldn’t have had the same old guys win, and I probably
would’ve given Tyler Reks a little more time (since you
made it a point to put him in there), but it wasn’t bad.
Decent stuff from everyone involved.
After the match, we head to Josh Matthews, who’s
interviewing Dull McBoring in the back. At least with
hair he doesn’t look like a walking penis. In his monotone
voice, Orton essentially says he doesn’t care about
anyone but Wade Barrett. Yup, that was
gripping.
Hey, the first match with an actual setup! Fun! I’m just hoping
they make the right decision here…
LayCool (Layla and Michelle
McCool) vs. Natalya (for the Divas Championship)
Apparently, the rule for this is that LayCool has to tag
in and out.
Gotcha’.
Michelle starts out, and she quickly takes Nattie down. Nattie finally
returns the favor, but Michelle quickly regains control.
She tags to Layla, who hits a leaping clothesline
and goes for a quick pin. After a pair of
forearms, Layla kicks Nattie through the ropes. Layla distracts
the ref long enough for Michelle to get involved, and
then Layla pops off another kick. LayCool tries a
double suplex, but Nattie ends up suplexing both
opponents…nice.
Nattie rolls back out, where Michelle tries a
sneak attack, but she ends up crotching herself over the
security wall.
Layla tries to help out, and she ends up on top
of Michelle.
Natalya eventually grabs Michelle, who tries to turn the
tables.
However, Natalya sends Michelle into Layla. With Layla out
of the picture, Natalya locks on the Sharpshooter and
gets the win.
That was quick.
Winner (and new Divas Champion):
Natalya
Rating:
Congratulations, strong, smart, powerful woman, here’s
your belt with a butterfly on it.
All kidding aside, that was an okay match. It’s good to see
they put the belt on someone who actually deserves it.
They’ll probably create another women’s belt for
Michelle, since she’s still married to The Undertaker.
After the match, LayCool jumps Natalya. However, Beth
Phoenix’s music cues up and she comes out to make the
save. She
nails Layla with the double chicken wing slam, and sends
the heels away.
With Beth Phoenix back, the amount of talented
women wrestlers just doubled.
In
the second Paper Jamz pack, they’ll have a kazoo,
triangle, recorder, and didgeridoo!
Next, we’re “treated” to the setup for the Kane/Edge
match. It’s
funny that this match has had the longest and most
involved setup so far and I care the LEAST about it.
I guess maybe the backstory’s not that important…or it
may be that Kane is involved and I could give two shits
about him.
I realize that this is a “thanks for sticking around so
long” championship reign, but I don’t have to like it.
Kane vs. Edge (for the World
Heavyweight Championship)
Why do they have the champion come out first? It’s supposed to
be challenger first…jeez.
Edge brings out an empty wheelchair, which angers Kane. Edge makes his
second mistake by slapping Kane. Edge uses some
trickery to get a few moves in, but leaps into a
chokeslam…nope.
Edge follows up with the slowest spinning heel
kick I’ve ever seen, but Kane shrugs it off and lays in
some punches.
Edge uses more trickery to regain control outside
the ring, and gets a pair of punches in before Kane
reverses…no, Edge clips Kane’s knee and stays in
control.
Edge continues to work on Kane’s knee, wrapping it
around the ring post and stomping it in the corner. Kane finally
escapes from a leg lock and punches Edge. He follows it by
draping Edge over the top rope and booting him to the
outside.
This match is moving at the speed of a funeral
precession.
Kane punches away on Edge and then Irish whips him into
the corner.
Kane beats on Edge while asking him where Paul
Bearer is.
Hey Kane, you get more flies with honey than with
vinegar!
Maybe you should stop beating on the guy and say,
“Please, I’d like to know where my father is.” Kindness…it just
might work.
Kane does more stuff that I’m not paying attention to
because I typed those last two joke sentences. Edge tries to
fight out of a hold, but Kane ends up hitting a seated
dropkick.
This rest hold seems like it’s been locked on for
two hours.
Edge punches free again, and then escapes a Kane
back body drop.
Edge follows up by heading to the top and hitting
a high cross body.
Kane (yet again) shrugs off the attacks and heads
to the top rope while Edge eases into position. Kane goes for
his “flying” clothesline (in quotes because he actually
hits the ground before he hits the clothesline), but
Edge dropkicks him in the midsection. Edge works up
the weakest head of steam ever and hits two sloppy
clotheslines, and then hits a body block on Kane as he’s
draped over the middle rope. Kane ends up
punching Edge as he tries a second rope double
axehandle, but Edge recovers after he escapes from a
suplex.
Unfortunately, he can’t capitalize, as he walks
right into a Dino Bravo side slam.
Kane meanders over to the top rope, where he’s caught by
Kane. Edge
ends up getting crotched on the top rope, and Kane
clotheslines him off…at least that was a
semi-interesting spot…a cherry on this turd sundae. Kane goes for a
chokeslam, but Edge DDTs him. Michael Cole
talks about a momentum shift…um, wouldn’t there have to
be momentum first?
Edge tries for the spear, but he runs into a boot. Kane follows up
with a chokeslam and it’s…NO. Edge kicks out,
and Kane isn’t happy about it. Kane signals for
the tombstone piledriver, but Edge ducks and hits the
spear. The
two men lay with an arm on each other. The ref counts
three and the winner is…
Ummmm…Edge’s music is playing, so it must be…nope. The ref declares
the match a TIE?!?
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
You’ve got to be kidding me. This is a
championship match; start the damn thing up again and
have a real ending, you dickwads.
Winner:
No one…BECAUSE IT’S A TIE!
Rating:
This match sucked to begin with, but I was going to be
generous and call it average. Thanks to one of
the stupidest endings in all of “sports entertainment,”
I’m going to give this exactly what it deserves. What a cheap
shit ending.
After the match, Edge puts Kane in the wheelchair and
shoves him through the security barricade. Whatever. The one frickin’
match with some buildup ends in a tie and Paul Bearer
isn’t even part of it. Maybe WWE should
stick to throwing shit together at the last second…that
seems to work better for them because their storywriting
skills suck.
After the match, Cena and Wade Barrett have a
heart-to-heart talk.
I still think Barrett is one of the best guys on the mic
I’ve seen in a while. His in-ring work
needs a little help, but he’s definitely got the mic
work right.
After this heartfelt moment, we head back to the ring
for…
Justin Gabriel and Heath
Slater vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (for the
tag team titles)
If Santino and Kozlov win the belts here, the crowd will
go ape shit, which pretty much ensures they won’t.
Santino starts with Slater. Santino quickly
takes Slater over, so Slater tags to Gabriel. Santino and
Gabriel actually have a nice little exchange, and then
Kozlov tags in.
He beats the holy hell out of Gabriel until he
clips the Russian’s knee. Gabriel tries to
follow up by leaping onto Kozlov, but the big Russian
plants his head right into Gabriel’s midsection, sending
him to the outside.
Gabriel manages to regain control by stunning Kozlov
over the top rope.
He follows with a neckbreaker and tags to Slater.
Slater comes in and hits a knee drop and a few
kicks before tagging out. The two members
of Nexus exchange a few quick tags while stomping a
mudhole in Kozlov.
Kozlov tries to punch out of a Gabriel neck
wrench, but Gabriel maintains control with a kick and a
front facelock.
The crowd is chanting for Santino…awesome. Eventually,
Kozlov tries to make the tag, but Slater gets involved,
allowing for some double teaming. Slater tags in
and applies a front facelock, as well. Kozlov finally
evens the odds with a diving clothesline, allowing him
to tag to Santino.
Santino comes in and runs through his offense on
Slater.
Gabriel gets involved, so Kozlov plows him
straight through the ropes. Santino signals
for the cobra, but Otunga and Hennig get involved,
allowing Slater to hit his finisher from behind to get
the win on Santino.
Winners: Justin Gabriel
and Heath Slater
Rating:
This match shows how weak the tag division is. These are
seriously two of the three remaining tag teams left in
WWE. I
can’t think of two reasons why they needed to break up
the Hart Dynasty.
After
the match, Nexus beats on the face team. Because this PPV
hasn’t started to suck enough already, the stupid RAW
commissioner computer signals that Michael Cole needs to
stand up and get booed. I guess since
they’ve only hyped the main event 95 percent of the
time, we need to be reminded that Nexus is banned from
ringside during the match. Seriously, does
Vince think the entire WWE audience is like that guy
from Memento?
Before we get to the main event, we get to sit through
ANOTHER video package on John Cena…THE REFEREE for the
match.
Seriously, Randy Orton is an afterthought
here…and I frickin’ hate Randy Orton.
Oh God, there’s a music video for this? This is
absolutely agonizing. Where’s the
remote?
Thank the lord for the fast forward button…
Wade Barrett vs. John Ce…err,
sorry, Randy Orton (for the WWE Championship)
As
I look at Wade Barrett, I can think of WWE pictures next
movie…do a version of Sherlock Holmes with Santino as
Sherlock Holmes and Kozlov as Dr. Watson. Make Wade
Barrett the villain and I guarantee they’re sitting on a
GOLD MINE.
I would buy six copies of the DVDs myself.
An absolute genius (wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage
shirt, no less) has a sign that says, “Orton, U Still
Suck,” Amen, brother.
The stupid fans chant, “RKO,” and the guy with
the sign takes offense.
Oh yeah, there’s a “match” going on here. Orton
shoulderblocks Barrett when I start paying attention and
instantly locks on a rest hold…wow, 40 seconds in. Orton does
another shoulder tackle and we have to sit here for a
few seconds.
Randy applies a side headlock for his second rest
hold, but Barrett backs him into the corner and beats on
him for a few seconds. Orton quickly
fights back with a clothesline, a kick, and a European
uppercut.
Orton gets Barrett in the corner and punches away
until Cena pulls him away. Barrett takes
advantage of the distraction by booting Orton in the
face.
Barrett takes control from this point, choking him over
the bottom rope and stomping away on him in the corner. Cena has to pull
him off, too…which allows Orton to land a dropkick (!!!)
and some mounted punches. Orton breaks out
some varied offense, with more kicks and stomps. Barrett rolls to
the outside, and regains control when Orton follows.
Instead of counting, Cena nonchalantly wanders
outside and watches the action. Oh yeah, there’s
no count out in this…my bad.
Back in the ring, Barrett lands a trio of punches…and
gets a two count on a pin attempt. He continues to
dominate with an Irish whip and a chin lock. Orton makes his
way to his feet and punches out of the hold, but Barrett
knees him in the midsection and kicks him in the face.
He goes back to
the chinlock and the crowd is pretty much dead.
This match is horrible.
Orton fights out of the hold again, and manages a side
suplex. The
two opponents exchange punches and kicks, with Orton
taking advantage with two European uppercuts. He follows up
with a pair of clotheslines and a low powerslam. After that, he
clotheslines Barrett out of the ring. Barrett,
however, slams Orton into the ringpost. He rolls Orton
back in the ring, but Orton kicks him as he reenters.
Barrett tries to regain control with a thumb to
the eye, but he runs into Randy Orton’s one interesting
move (the over-the-back back breaker that Mike Sanders
used to do).
Barrett survives the attack and goes to the top
rope and lands an elbow drop that gets him a two count.
Barrett follows up with a pump handle slam that
gets him 2.8.
Cena’s slow counts are starting to wear on
Barrett.
Barrett tries to finish things off, but Orton
escapes, only to fall prey to a Big Boss Man slam. Speaking of The
Big Boss Man, I’m having a HARD TIME watching this
match!! RIM
SHOT!
Anyway, Barrett fails to get a victory on another
pinfall…and it appears he has a bit of what looks like
man mayonaise on his face.
Disgusting.
At least he wipes it off quickly. Hopefully, he
doesn’t run his hand through his hair or we’ll have
another There’s Something About Mary moment.
Barrett has another discussion with Cena, which allows
Orton to recover and hits his suspended DDT. Orton has what
appears to be a seizure, which I’m assuming is his
signal for the RKO. Barrett rolls
out of the ring, and then kicks Orton when he follows
him back inside.
Barrett manages to hit Wasteland, but Orton grabs
the rope on the two count. Barrett has had
enough, and he shoves Cena. Cena shoves him
back, right into an RKO by Orton. Cena makes the
count and Orton wins.
Striker awesomely screams, “CENA’S FREE.” I can understand
his confusion…they haven’t been hyping the stupid
stipulation EVERY FRICKIN’ TEN MINUTES ON WWE
PROGRAMMING!!
Winner: Randy Orton
Rating:
That match was pretty weak. The ending was
the only thing making it even watchable…sort of.
After the match, Nexus really serves no purpose, as they
come out, get in a minor skirmish with Orton and Cena,
and run away.
That made little to no sense.
After the “attack,” Cena goes to get the belt and
present it to Randy Orton.
They hug.
You’ve got to be kidding me. THE GUY KICKED
YOUR DAD IN THE HEAD!!
Eventually, Randy leaves the ring so we can spend an
inevitable 20 minutes watching Cena be all conflicted. This is what I
paid $50 for…Cena’s emotional turmoil. A “Cena” chant
finally starts up (that actually took a while), while
some people intelligently boo. Cena then
insults military personnel everywhere by sloppily
saluting his…I don’t even know what he calls his fans
that relates to the military…the CeNation? The Chain Gang?
I didn’t think either of those two was military-themed.
Next, Cena does something odd and goes to the announce
table and only hugs Michael Cole…that’s bizarre. No love for
Jerry or Matt?
I thought Cole was the evil heel announcer…didn’t
he cheer for The Miz when he fought Cena?
After that, Cena goes and shakes hands with some random
fans (one of whom is the infamous Sign Guy), while
completely ignoring everyone else…nice. Then, he points
and the camera and thanks me. For what, I
don’t know.
This needs to end. Now. Even the logo
thinks this needs to end…as it appears in the corner to
deter Cena from continuing. But even the
logo can’t stop Cena, as he heads into the crowd to let
stupid morons touch him. It’s really not
authentic when 40 security guards are following you,
John.
Finally, Cena makes a full trip around the arena, and
makes his exit…and this thing is over. Thank GOD.
Well, that was a very inter
esting pay-per-view…for a lot of different reasons. Anyway, let’s
hand out some awards and call it a night.
The Really Great Thing of the
Night: The first three
matches were all awesome…I’ll call it a three-way tie.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the
Night: The second half
of the show was pretty weak overall, but I’m going to
award this to the ending of the Kane/Edge fight. A tie?
Seriously?
Well, that show was a complete contradiction. All of the
matches that were hyped and built up kinda’ sucked,
while the thrown-together matches were all really good.
This just proves that WWE has the talent, but they
really need to get a decent writing staff together…and
maybe shake up the main event picture a bit. Barrett, Kane,
Orton, and Edge out…perhaps Bryan, Ziggler, Del Rio, and
Swagger in.
They just need to do something…there’s a lot of
great talent on the roster that proved themselves
tonight…I just hope the right folks were watching.
Well, that’s it for me…I’m “Great” Scott, and I’m out.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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