Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

SURVIVOR SERIES 2009
(11/22/09)
BY ANTHONY DEAN

HEEEYOAYOHAHA, HEE-EEYOHAYOHAHAHA. Get it, like the reality show Survivor theme music? It was either that or Eye of the Tiger, and despite the crazy made-up and mostly untrue stories my roommate might tell you about me absolutely needing to come in and brush my teeth as soon as I hear the shower water cut off and him step out, even I'm not gay enough to quote that fucking song. Anyway, let's put an early end to this ridiculous character attack, because it's Survivor Series! Tonight, six pretty old guys will fight each other for the right to become world champion ONCE AGAIN! And probably again! And again several more times after that! THE TENTH TIME IS THE MOST MEANINGFUL. Additionally, a white Christian with all the gold has a group of black men he rounded up do his bidding! Let's just hope it doesn't last four-hundred years this time, huh? And in a much-anticipated bout, John Morrison takes on his former best friend in The Miznarek! True it's five to five, baby, five to five, but I think as long as it doesn't end with another “Other Voices,” we'll ALL be winners. Except the five guys who lose, as losing is a pretty definitive way to not be a winner. Furthermore, we'll see an animal attack a small child and busty bitches will bounce around for us. You know, typical family together time shit. WWE – bringing families together through lust for both violence and breasts. Regular full-on rapists they are. I'm sure more than eight people will get that joke. But not too many more. Whelp, let's get to the inaction!

We get into things right away with Team Morrison taking on Team Miz because, just because, see! Morrison's team is kind of like the old midcard standbys, whereas Miz's is the new blood full of potential that has yet to be squandered for years and years. Their time will come! And then it will go, and then they'll be jobbing to Sheamuses and Snitskys again. Speaking of Sheamus, after King's ass beating on Monday, he teases a bit of a feud between the two during his entrance, which is as good a reason not to watch Raw Monday night as any except maybe Vern Troyer.

Intercontinental Champion John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin, & Finlay vs United States Champion The Miz, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, & Jack Swagger, Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

We kick things off with Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger because they are not allowed to fight anyone else, ever. Jacqueline Swaggerton and DOLPH take turns bringing Evan's shit down until he manages to escape and make the tag. Unfortunately, the open hand he happened to hit was that of Matt Hardy's. Bourne however overcomes Hardy's typical hindrance to any team, with both guys working together to put Ziggler away after a Shooting Star Press from Hardy. Just kidding, Bourne nailed that shit. All Matt did was the fucking Side Effect as per usual. Drew McIntyre then hilariously runs in and drills Bourne with his generico DDT finisher for the elimination to bring it back to equilibrium. Finlay then enters, and now it's an Irish versus a Scot. This is centuries in the making, folks! Although I believe Drew may have the distinct advantage here, because, unlike Finlay, he has not been around for all of those centuries. McIntyre gets blighted with potatoes from Finlay's stiff shots but he tags in Sheamus, who puts aside his because this is 2009 and nobody cares about European stereotypes anymore except grandpas like Finlay and my grandpa, who to this day insists the reason there are so many pawprints on his car is because his neighbor trains his cats to walk on it because “That's just what Poles do.” Truly an argument for euthanasia if there ever was one, that man is.

Hardy survives Sheamus now, and then Miz, and then Swagger, looking resilient if nothing else. And really, after his annihilation at the hands of Batista in Smackdown's curtainjerker last week, there's not a whole lot else this poor motherfucker can hope for. But he lives and tags in the Lizard King, who can do anything, including pinning Jack Swagger for three whole seconds. I KNOW RIGHT. Nobody has done that ever. Except everyone all the time. He does this amidst a brief period of interfering anarchy that saw a ref get booted down by Sheamus. After the Starship Pain elimination, Miz gets the jump on Morrison, working him over for a bit before Shelton gets the tag to try his hand at not failing, but, as is well-documented throughout his career, this is not Shelton's strong point, and he soon suffers a Skull-Crushing Finale, which is basically just a Stroke done by a guy who's actually over. I bet Shelton's wondering why he couldn't have been thrown onto the black Survivor Series team right about now. IT'S CUZ HE BLACK AIN'T IT. They then inform us that the referee who got put down during the “let's all run in the ring and get subsequently clotheslined back out in rapid succession” brawl from earlier has suffered a concussion at the hands of Sheamus' foot. Dayum, this guy put down an official WWE referee?! His shit is clearly legit.

Hardy is in to dominate Drew for a bit before a Sheamus distraction allowed McIntyre to avoid a Mattsault and hit his double-arm DDT for his second elimination of the night. Morrison vs three now, but he does not heed Robby Krieger's advice and instead fights instead of getting the runnin' blues. That one was a stretch. But hey! I'm not here to impress you. Just make you want to click on the link every time you see I wrote something. And I could do that just by making you wonder if I happen to say something negative about you, like I do Jim Ross, that gay old bitch. THANKS FOR YOUR HIT, JIM. SEE YOU NEXT MONTH! And um, so, right, so Morrison's taking on McIntyre, who tags in Sheamus, who killdrills him, who tags in Miz, who berates him at first but soon gets his ass kicked in a comeback attempt by Morrison, who then is promptly put down by Sheamus who is now the legal man. He escorts Mr. Nohjo Rison to the bad guy corner and then chats the ref up, allowing his teammates to do the over the top obvious unnecessary flailing while choking and clubbing spot on Morrison in the turnbuckle, but he fights out! Off the apron goes McIntyre! off the apron goes Miz! And out of the match goes Morrison as Sheamus stops his comeback with a Razor's Edge for the win.

Winners : Sheamus, Miz, & Drew McIntyre

Top shelf, top shelf. Everyone looked at least okay and fared moderately well except for Dolph Ziggler, who was kind of mildly buried kind of a lot, and Shelton Benjamin, who was there just because. But with ten guys, there are bound to be those casualties. All in all a good match that definitely made the three survivors look good. Credibility-wise. They're some fairly ugly motherfuckers. Not that I'll ever be mistaken for Adonis, but Miz has about the douchebaggiest sneer, McIntyre looks like he's to get his dick chopped off, and Sheamus haunts the ring like some sort of wrestling Ghost Rider with his whiteness and flaming facial hair.

IN THE BACK Christian is barking orders and cracking his whip. Or tongue in cheekily pointing out that he is different from his team. Because he's from ECW, of course. And Canadian. He then busts out a rhyme about how black everyone else on his team is and it goes okay, but it's just not the same without a deadpan Tyson Tomko standing behind him. Anyway they hoot and holler and all that monkey business. What. Super serious Batista heel video now, but he gets a pop coming out in spite of it, maybe in part because this is his hometown, but probably because Washington D.C. doesn't give a shit about Mexicans.

Batista vs Rey Mysterio

Not that I don't appreciate the thought, but if they were going to have one solitary singles match for the pay per view, why in the hell would you put Batista in it? That's like attempting to wake a lulling crowd up by sending out fucking Festus, you just don't do it. Anyway, this goes predictably, with Rey using his speed to counter Batista's strength, blah blah, Batista is essentially wrestling exactly the same since he pretty much always did the UNCONTROLLABLY ANGRY slamming dudes around and looking pissed off at his job act, but Rey manages to hold his own and actually comes out on top for awhile. After a series of 619's and the springboard dick to face, he gives Eddie a middle finger and tries to one-up him by doing his frogsplash, but Batista looks out for his dead friend by getting up his knees and proceeding to fuck Rey's shit up with a spear. He then hits three consecutive Batista Bombs even though I'm pretty sure he died after the second one. The ref stops it here and everyone rushes in to look frazzled and yell all up in Rey's face, because that has healing benefits. Batista grabs a chair and heads back in the ring but just takes a sit and watches Rey's corpse begin to rot. He then looks to use the chair, but is a good enough guy to put it back down. He then yanks a pleading Rey up and Spinebusters him onto the chair. Fuck yes. This Batista is awesome. Rey gets the stretcher treatment as fans cheer on Batista. Good match, I had fun, I always like the unnecessary mindless violence. Scar was my favorite lion, Jafar my favorite genie, Beast my favorite beast, all of that. Anyway.

We get a neat little assholes being assholes to other assholes bit backstage now, with Orton saying his team is looking shittier than it was when he first formed it. He was expecting Regal to be ECW Champ and Punk to be World Champ at this point, but Punk throws that shit right back in his face by pointing out that he hasn't done a great job leading by example. They look about to throw down but Orton instead resolves that they make up for all of their amassed collective failures by winning tonight. They then re-air Kofi killfucking Orton all over Raw last Monday, and hey, THREE HOUR RAW THANKSGIVING EPISODE TOMORROW NIGHT WATCH IT OR DON'T PLEASE ALLRIGHT FANTASTIC. THE BLACK PEOPLE TIME.

Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R Truth, & The White Guy vs Randy Orton, CM Punk, William Regal, Ted Dibiase, Jr. & Cody Rhodes, Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

CM Punk and R Truth can't wait to get their shit started, which is weird, because why the fuck are these two feuding in the first place? Punk is straightedge, Truth is always talking about staying in school and reading books and shit and probably only lights up every coupla weeks or so, these two are pretty much espousing the same message, so what's the deal? I don't know, man. Anyway, Mark Henry pretends to be useful for about a minute before being RKO'd and eliminated by Orton. MVP enters now to seek revenge for his homie, his stonie, his ronie. Black people love me. He's definitely looking to change one of the letters in his name here tonight as the former gangbanger gets gangbanged by like every member of the heel team before swallowing with a smile. A Punk charge finally gives him an opening to boot him out and tag in Truth to spit some of his name at Punk in the form of a suplex. He holds his own against Punk for a minute, but a distraction sees him put to sleep for the loss, setting it up as 5-3, with the Randy Ortons looking strong.


Christian is in for a surprise nearfall on Punk but he manages to stay alive because he is not complete shit. Christian soon gets put down and TED makes his entrance with a bitchy Warrior's Way and a scoop slam, but Christian is still alive because, again, he is not complete shit. They each go for their finishers and each fail, so Christian just comes out with a surprise sunset flip for the three, pinning Ted Dibiase because, for the third time, he is not complete shit. SPEAKING OF WHICH! In comes William Regal to underwhelm everyone, but Kofi tags in to stop that shit. He misses a springboard crossbody and Cody Rhodes gets the tag, hitting some punches but tagging back out as soon as Kofi looks to regain the advantage in a very Orton-esque bitch move. Regal back in as the announcers put Kofi over as the return of Christ personified while glossing over William Regal because, fuck it, he's William Regal. It's for this very same reason that he is pinned soon following a rollup from MVP. Rhodes almost suffers the same fate but he's lucky enough to be beaten mercilessly in the corner.


Orton sees a minute of action before letting Cody back in to be prisonraped by MVP, who balls all over him, but before he can make a play for Rhodes, Orton distracts, leading to a Crossroads that cements LVP'S new acronym tonight. I mean at least Mark Henry left a slick spot on the mat from where he was pinned so as to maybe be used as a strategical advantage later. Christian and Kofi wear Cody down from here with quick tags, each getting in their spots before a Killswitch brings the match back to equilibrium, Orton-Punk vs Christian-Kofi. Orton looks strong against Christian, but an attempted cheap shot on Kofi sees Christian roll him up for two. RKO whiffs and Killswitch connects, but punk disrupts the pin attempt because he's just that kinda guy. Christian charges Orton but he eats turnbuckle and then mat via an RKO, leaving Kofi a lonely Jamaican island.

Randy and Kingston do a staredown but Orton bitches out to Punk instead, and the former new blood tag champs do an INTENSE staredown before a punch battle sees Kofi's wild flailing take over, leading into both guys missing their finishers and a very impressive back and forth showing from the two. Punk looks to have it sealed up after a series of big moves and the Pepsi One, but Kofi reverses the bulldog into a back suplex. They go back and forth on the turnbuckle in a BATTLE FOR THE MOUNTAIN that sees Punk get knocked off twice and Kofi come flying off at him with a huge collision of stomachs crossbody for a nearfall. Orton looks to interfere and Kofi takes a swing at him, so Orton leaps from the apron to the floor, allowing Punk to sneak in with a rollup, but Kingston rolls through and pins Punk for the elimination. Orton is mortified but he enters to do battle, only to be promptly drilled with the Trouble in Paradise for the win.

Winner : Kofi Kingston

Huge shocker here, as everyone in the world thought Punk had him with that rollup, because everyone in the wold watches wrestling. Nothing against Kofi, but God knows why they picked HIM to be the guy they finally push right, but damn it, they're doing it with authority. He definitely shone, taking out both his former tag team partner and former WWE Champion Randy Orton. He's got this shit, SON. The only thing that could make this push perfect at this point would be a wellness test failure, just because I enjoy fuckups more than I do beautiful things. That's why I only have sex with disfigured retards. DEADMAN TIME.

World Heavyweight Champion Undertaker vs Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show vs Ditto Big Show's Prefix Chris Jericho, Triple Threat Title Match

The tag champs are immediately all over Taker like flies on, well, a corpse. Or shit. Either one works, really. He isolates Jericho on the outside for a bit but crotches himself over the guardrail anyway because he wastes opportunities. It's basically Jericho killing Taker however he can with some Big Show punches interspersed in there, just to make sure things don't get TOO exciting, now! Back inside, Taker gets on the offensive, clotheslining Big Show down and snakeysing Jericho before battling with Show on the outside, where a ringpost shot leaves THE BIG MAN sprawled. Jericho overwhelms back inside with his anti-zombie superplexes and the like. A failed Lionsault turns into a successful Walls hold with Taker looking hopeless, but Big Show returns and chokeslams his own partner down to break the hold. INTRIGUE. Or anything but. You know, both of these guys have been around for so long. Taker debuted at this very event, what, like twenty years ago? Jericho's wrestled in HOW MANY different promotions? And fucking Big Show used to be athletic enough to do moonsaults. THIS BIG SHOW IS JUST A MOON. I mean come on, where the fuck is Kizarny? What happened with that? He could've wrecked some shit, I would've bought it all up. This should be his match! I fucking LOVE The Devil's Rejects, goddamnit. He made her wear her husband's face, come on! That could be Kizarny! I would lose my shit if Kizarny lost title matches in slow motion as Freebird played. Fucking cocks.

CHOKESLAM! Fails on Taker as he reverses into a DDT and it's a triple count. Jericho is up and tries to pin Show, but he kicks out by literally throwing Jericho out of the ring from the ground. Double chokeslam staredown is broken up by a belt-wielding Jericho who hits Big Show, but he is undertaken for two by, well you know. Last Ride attempt on Jericho saw Jericho hit Taker with the belt as he was lifted up because Undertaker is an unobservant asshole. This doesn't score the three so Chris fucking Jericho tries for a Tombstone, which is just, I mean, I don't even, no, it doesn't work. Taker reverses but Big Show keeps shit going with his Falcon Punch on Taker. More of a fucking Ganondorf punch they way these guys sell it. Jericho gets one for good measure after resistance and Show stalks the rising deadman with antsy chokeslam fingers. The Ganondorf punch misses and is transitioned into a Hell's Gate, and Big Show taps, because he is terrible.

Winner and STILL Champion : Undertaker

Decent enough match, not a huge deal, you know. I'm sure it will cause dissension later for the team, then we can get Batista-Rey II : This Time, There's No Batista! That would be a great way to advertise that feud, or anything. “Olive Garden : Now Without Batista!” I'm tired and hungry. TO THE BACK WE GLIDE for talk time with the survivors from Team Miz ; Miz, Sheamus, and Drew McIntyre. They talk about how they are great and are doing great things and are also awesome in addition. Miz basically calls JoMo a homo, McIntyre reminds us of Vince McMahon endorsing him as a future world champion as Elijah Burke watches at home through bleary teary eyes, and Sheamus threatens to kill somebody. All in all a fairly impressive-seeming group of individuals. Know what's not impressive?


DIVAS VS DIVAS

Oh man, it's looking to be around coathanger o'clock for Mickie.

Winner : DIVAS

SHE IS MORE UGLY THAN ANY WOMAN I WILL EVER SLEEP WITH. TLC payperview. That should be Batista says that he was embarrassed for Rey Mysterio tonight. I wish people were embarrassed for me instead of just by me. Whenever we're in public together, my dad always seems to walk just a step too far ahead and to the right for me to not consider myself his greatest disappointment. You can just tell he wanted me to be half-black. Anyway. Time to break it down.

WWE Champion John Cena vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels

In what has got to be an ominous sign for John Cena, HHH & HBK enter together to the DX entrance. Cena is his usual “Come on!” self, looking confident in the face of adversity, and certainly not diversity. That face is probably black, or at least really tan, with braces, and a nose ring, and is in a wheelchair. You know what, scratch the wheelchair, we already gave them “Pelswick.” Anyway, Michaels hilariously superkicks Trips out of the ring at the bell as Cena looks on bemused. They pick up where they left off following their hour-long Raw match years ago with Michaels getting huge crowd support. I think an HBK title victory would be like giving tonight's payperview a big gooey, mindless, euphoric facial, and a Cena retention would be like suddenly picturing your mom's four by four ass being simultaneously pounded by two black cocks and immediately going flaccid. And a Triple H victory would be like getting a tooth stuck in your urethra. Anyway, they go back and forth for awhile until Michaels escaped an AA with a chopblock followed up with a long Figure Four leglock that saw Cena flip it over, thus reversing it's polarity or, or something. In any event, a chop-punch battle sees Cena get sent to the outside following a rogue charge and Michaels flies out onto him.


Shawn sets an announcer table up for a slam or something through it, but Cena is up with an Attitude Adjustment setup that Triple H rescues him from for some fucked reason. He answers this scathing criticism by spinebustering Michaels through the table. Tewsha'y. Trips and Ceenz take a turn going ti'tty a ti'tty for a bit, but basically seeing just one titty, with Triple H just absolutely dominating him. Cena begins his eventual comeback after a bit, of course, but Michaels stops that shit by throwing his shoulder into the ringpost as the two members of DX face off like John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. Trips would be Travolta because he's fat and also has a vagina. Why not. So they do all their typical signature spots, uninterrupted by Cena until Michaels flies for the elbow and Cena interrupts. He fucks up his flying leg drop, however, and Michaels gets to hit his elbow drop this time. Trips then kindly escorts him from the ring via vicious throw, only to get locked up in an STFU. Smart stuff there, guy. Michaels is in, and locks in the Crossface on Cena, but Cena MARINES UP and shifts it into an Attitude Adjustment attempt that sees Michaels escape, so he just hooks on another STF on HBK. Fucking acronyms. Michaels comes close to tapping but you just know he's not gonna and he doesn't as he finally attains bottom ropedom. He hits some quick superkick payback on both Cena and then Trips, who falls on Cena as Michaels falls out of the ring. In what would have been the ultimate FUCK NO bullshit ending, Cena kicks out at the last second.

CENA ON HIS FEET and he adjusts Hunter's attitude with a DDT. Just kidding, it was a, well yeah. Michaels is back in and he drags his carcass over to Trips' dead body, as does Cena, and they double pin him for yet another copout copout, scoring two. No word yet on whether it counts as a collective four count, but if I had to guess right now, I would probably have to say, well, fuck no. Fail finishers all around until Michaels stops a Pedigree with Sweet Chin Music, but Michaels is immediately drawn up and slammed down fireman-style onto Trips, leading Cena to pin Triple H for the retention.


Winner and STILL WWE Champion : John Cena

Awesome match, the DX angle went well with it, and John Cena ultimately, yet barely, coming out on top leaves it wide open for either of those guys to take it. OR SOMEONE YOUNG AND NEW, OF COURSE. But assuming we still live on our plane of reality, I am definitely looking forward to seeing which member of DX finally outdoes the other and captures the title. For the umpteenth time, but nevertheless. Good match, good way to close out the show. With a collective groan.

Overall, tonight was definitely a good show. There was not a bad match and multiple feuds were definitely furthered, namely the WWE title program, Kofi-Orton, and Batista-Rey. In addition to all of that, a ridiculous number of young stars got to shine. I mean there weren't many surprises in the match outcomes, but what there was definitely delivered. I personally am a huge fan of the Survivor Series match style anyway, as the more greased up men rubbing on eachother at the same time, the better. What is that look? Fuck all you faggots. And my roommate. LYING QUEER. I did not ask him to let me suck his cock. I asked him how he would feel about me asking him to suck his cock. I have the hidden videotape to prove it. Oh hey, you know what I just found out upon visiting home and looking at the browser history to see what cool new porn my dad's found? My mom reads this. So. Sosososo, soooo. END SHOW.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).