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By Anthony Dean
Welcome, welcome, to Survivor Series! And tonight may be one of the most grueling in SS history as we'll witness a series of matches that include Triple H putting his title on the line against a young new star, John Cena wrestling for a world championship in his hometown, and a Ten Diva Tag Team Elimination Match. If this recap ends somewhere in midsentence, you'll know I didn't survive, or at least my television set didn't. I've got a hammer at the ready.

We start off with a video of John Cena standing outside presumably the arena tonight's Pay Per View airs from in a hoodie. See, he's dressing casual because this is a large city somewhat nearby his hometown. We then get a montage of his life from childhood all the way through his career in the WWE. It's kind of depressing how he went from a skinny carefree little kid playing around in his backyard to this jacked WWE lapdog getting thrown around 300 days a year. Oh well, I'm sure he's rich. Clips of Jericho trashtalking are shown next and he looks bad ass. But then WWE's production crew could make a video package for a 97-pound crackhead giving handjobs in a public restroom or Kimbo Slice even and make him look like legit. Twangy AC/DC music segues us into the pyro and we are SOLD OUT probably in Boston. We then go to the announcers who welcome us with grave news. JR says that Jeff Hardy was found unconscious in a hotel stairwell this morning, but has since been released from a local medical facility . He lists a number of credible news sources that have picked up on the news story, answering the long-speculated upon question of whether or not the heads of credible news sources refer to Wrestlezone when they report a news story about wrestling. As it turns out they do not.

We get into our first match right away. It's a traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match, Team HBK vs Team JBL. Michaels enters first, this being his sixteenth appearance at a Survivor Series event according to JR. And that's not even including the ones that occurred when he was retired for like four years, just in case you were still telling yourself he's rocking that borderline skullet on purpose because it's rebellious and he's still a zany obnoxious man-child. Cryme Tyme is next. JTG got his stunna shades on. Khali is next, THE WORLD'S BIGGEST KISSER. Jesus. You know it's a rotten gimmick when people are missing Khali being touted as a legitimate world title contender. Mysterio is out last, doing his usual whispering and embracing with uncomfortably young children in the front row. JBL makes the first entrance for his team next. I like how he has an entire limo just for him, while the rest of his team has to walk the entire way from the backstage area. MVP is out next to considerable silence. Three months of straight losses will do that to a guy. Still though, I'm glad they took the general shitcloud that follows Triple H to whatever roster he's on and focused it solely on one guy instead of spreading it around and bringing everyone down. Way to take one for the team, P. We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors! Miz and Morrison follow, and Morrison's furry bedazzled red coat looks comfortable and sexy, I'm not gonna lie to you. Kane enters last, basking the ring in an ominous red light and laughing because he's an evil demon who enjoys inflicting pain. What do you want him to do?

TEAM HBK : Shawn Michaels, JTG, Shad, The Great Khali, & Rey Mysterio vs TEAM JBL : JBL, MVP, Miz, John Morrison & Kane, Survivor Series Elimination Match

Mysterio and MVP start off, each team attempting to get rid of their respective weak links early on. Rey gets P down with his staple ridiculous lightweight offense, then tags in JTG to try out some of his own. JTG and Rey do a few double dropkicks and some faggy handshake knuck bumpin'. As soon as Rey leaves, P takes out JTG with a Drive By, also known as a Big Fucking Boot, and he's eliminated. Khali brain chop and a single foot pin to his chest eliminates MVP immediately afterward. Kane is the only member of JBL's team not chickenshit enough to enter and face Khali. Khali dominates Kane with elbows in the corner until a Kane uppercut leads to a chokeslam attempt, but Khali turns that into another brain chop and makes the tag to Rey. Fucking, Rey. All the dudes they got over there and he's going to practically send Hornswoggle in with the demon that burned his parents alive, has survived being engulfed in flames MULTIPLE times, and raped a dead cheerleader. With Kane lying prone, Rey stands on top of Khali's shoulders before landing a falling headbutt Benwho style onto Kane for the elimination. Morrison immediately enters next to kick the shit out of Rey, but Mysterio soon comes back with a nice tiltawhirl headscissors and tags in Shad. Shad destroys Morrison with assistance from the ringpost before hitting a military press with ease. Morrison takes out a charging Shad's knee, however, and Miz and Morrison go through a series of quick tags from here. Tazz has been putting Morrison over like a motherfucker, saying multiple times how he's got it all and is the "most complete" ENTERTAINER in the WWE. Shad eventually escapes the double team assault with a double clothesline and turns Miz inside out with three or four more before hitting a giant elbow smash on him in the corner. Scoop slam and elbow drop follow and Shad goes for a Rock Bottom or something but Morrison interferes, leading Miz to hit the REALITY CHECK for the elimination.

Michaels enters next to face off with Miz. They do a staredown, Michaels still fuming over Miz pinning him in a tag match a couple weeks ago. I'd be pissed off too if the fucking Miz bested me at anything. Miz actually controls Michaels and looks impressive before tagging in Morrison for a great doubleteam move that is too complicated to describe but they do it often enough that it really should have a name by now so I'll just describe it like I just did instead of describing the mechanics of the move itsel f. JBL tags in next and gets a nearfall on Shawn. A series of tags among the heel team work over Shawn, including Miz busting Shawn open with a round of brutal punches. Guess those are some rough mittens Miz has got on tonight. Later, Morrison tries to throw out Michaels, but he skins the cat, kicking Miz on the outside. Morrison however is ready for him back in the ring and hits Michaels' signature forearm and kip up. He follows with a scoop slam and goes for Michaels' own signature elbow but HBK rolls cle ar and it's a race to the tag. Both Miz and Rey get the tag simultaneously and Rey quickly eliminates Miz with a series of flippy shit capped off with a 619 and frogspash.

Rey turns his attention to Morrison and sets him up for the 619 but JBL blindtags and hits Rey with a clothesline as he was coming off the ropes. JBL bullies Rey around with five consecutive big elbow drops and other such immensely entertaining entertainment. JBL tags Morrison while standing on Rey's hand, and Rey makes sniveling, rodent-hissing noises as Morrison weakens him via exposure to his constant radiation of a lethal amount of awesomeness. Morrison counters a Rey DDT into a big backbreaker before t agging JBL back in, who, still winded from all those elbow drops he did ten minutes ago, applies more restholds. Big Boot misses by a motherfucking mile, but I guess the wind it sent off towards Rey was enough to drop him. JBL sets Rey up on the top rope but Rey knocks him on his ass and leaps backwards with a moonsault that bloodies the lip of a standing JBL. Michaels gets the tag and he hits his forearm and kipup before sending a crotch chop Morrison's way. He lands the scoop slam and goes for the elbow d rop, knocking Morrison off the apron in the process, but JBL rolls out. Michaels follows by hurling himself over the top rope and they trade some blows on the outside. Michaels runs back in the ring just as JBL gets counted out. HBK taunts JBL with crotch chops as Morrison is tuning up the (Doors cover)band behind him. Michaels turns around and barely dodges the superkick and connects with one of his own for the pinfall and final elimination.

Winner : Team HBK
Survivors : Shawn Michaels, The Great Khali & Rey Mysterio

Triple H is being interviewed by some talking boobs which ask him about the "Jeff Hardy situation." H says even if Hardy doesn't compete tonight, he knows he'll come scratching and clawing to face him sometime again anyway. Trips then talks about his other opponent, Vladimir Kozlov, saying Kozlov's first time on a big stage will fuck him up.

Next up, Divas. It's the Smackdown Divas vs the Raw Divas in a Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match. Nothing as traditional as an elimination match full of women, right? Now I'm not even going to pretend I know who half of these women are, so you can forget a recap. Terrible masturbation jokes? You're in luck. Smackdown's Team Captain is Divas Champion Michelle McCool, of course. I bet this entire match was put in place solely for her. Maria enters next stripping, sporting bright red hair, and basically doing everything she can to portray Christy Hemme as the announcers put her over as a "fiery redhead." Team Captain for Raw is Women's Champion Beth Phoenix, who enters later with Santino. That's about it for the people I know. I'm pulling for Victoria tonight because she's wearing the least amount of clothes, and you can interpret that however you like.

Raw's Dead Weight vs The Boobs From Smackdown ; Survivor Series Elimination Match

This truly is one for the (sticky Playboy magazine p)ages. Okay, that one was a stretch. Speaking of which, I'd sure like to stretch out the annals of Mickie's history. I don't even know what that means. But I'm as sincere about it as I've ever been about anything. I'll stop soon. Oh, during some arbitrary elimination, Candice Michelle hit a fisherman suplex pin that, thanks to the gaping holes in her tights, allowed me to see almost the entire right side of her ass. Hell yes. Anyway, Raw wins.

Winner : Santino's love for licking unnaturally muscular women's biceps.

In the back now for an interview with Matt Hardy as Tard Grisham namedrops some news sources that have picked up on the story concerning his brother Jeff. Matt says the doctors told him that Jeff was hit in the back of the head with a heavy, blunt object and was released earlier today. He doesn't rule out the possibility that Jeff may wrestle tonight. Man, something about Massachusettes must cause an unnaturally fast recovery process in humans. Tard then asks "Can you tell us more?" to which Matt replies "I don't know. I wish I could tell you more, but I...I just don't know," before looking wistfully off camera. Jesus Christ I hate Matt Hardy sometimes. He needs to bring back his Matt Facts. Those were awesome. Matt Fact : On some mornings, Matt attempts self-fellatio. Not every morning, but some mornings.

Recap of Taker-Big Show. It's the eighteenth anniversary of Undertaker's debut. Goddamn their roster is getting old. DRUIDS wheel out the casket while humming their unrecognizable hymns. The blue lighting, smoke, and solemn chanting is interrupted by "AWEEEELLLL" as The Big Show makes his way down to the ring. Good. Fucking Druids aren't worth a damn. You'd think they'd at least attempt to help Undertaker all the times he's been attacked over the years, but no. I mean, they at least could have interjected themselves when Muhammad Hassan's terrorists suicide dived and power bombed Undertaker a few years ago, but not even then. And I know for damn sure that the fucking Undertaker's followers don't promote peace. They just wheeled out a fucking coffin for Undertaker to enclose a living man inside after he beats him unconscious. Anyway. JR tells us this is the sixteenth anniversary of the first Casket Match, dating back to when Undertaker buried another great big fat guy in Kamala. HOW THINGS CHANGE. I seriously don't get the people that have been watching wrestling for so long. I plan on cutting this shit off the moment they repeat the male cheerleader stable. Because the first time around was accetable, but twice is just pushing it too far, I guess.

Big Show vs Undertaker, Casket Match

Show almost gets dumped over the ropes and into the casket right away. He instead tumbles to the floor and they do battle on the outside with clubbing and whipping and, stuff, I don't know, I'm kind of simultaneously (as in, entirely) watching this preview for a movie about Nazis. VALKYRIE. It looks allright, I probably won't see it. Big Show is casually clearing off an announcer table now as Undertaker crouches nearby, still REELING from a headbutt. Taker then delivers a butt of his own to Show's head and lays Big Show on top of the table. He climbs the adjacent table and puts Show through that unforgiving hollow plastic with a legdrop. They both recover soon enough and Taker gets in some knee strikes as Tazz entertains himself with the sound of his own voice by speculating on when the match will return to the ring and updating us whenever they get close to it. They both eventually reenter of course and Taker goes for an Old School but Show counters with a superplex, with Show just standing from the mat. Big sideslam as Show calls for the referees to open the casket. Do they honestly need two officials there just to repeatedly open and close the casket? Really? At least make some fucking Druids do it. Show rolls Taker into the casket with ease, but looks scared to close the lid. He walks away, pauses, then walks back to close it for the win, but Taker's leg sticks out. Instead of just quickly slamming the lid, Show backs away in horror and Taker gets back in the ring and dominates.

Show manages to put Taker down for a moment and climbs the turnbuckle backwards, like he's look for a fucking moonsault or some shit, and Taker sits up and slams him off the middle rope. Taker then rolls Show into the casket and goes to close it, but Biggie gets his arm up and blocks the lid from being closed. Show rolls back into the ring and puts Undertaker down with a chokeslam before going outside and flipping the casket upside down for some fucked reason. The two referees, instead of being useful and p utting it right side up, run away and Big Show walks up the ramp laughing. Taker sits up however and growls at Show before charging up the ramp after him. Show ignores the charging DEADMAN and continues leaving at an infuriatingly plodding pace, but a wall of fire springs up to block his path. Show then just clocks the approaching Taker and the fire dies back down, so he continues on his way. However, the DRUIDS enter from behind the curtain and drop off a second casket directly in front of Big Show. S how then slams Taker again, stands the casket up, and hurls Taker into it like a wall, knocking it over. He stands it back up and opens it as Undertaker gets up to trade punches with him. Taker manages to back Show up so that he is teetering on the edge of the stage. After teasing something exciting, Taker then anticlimactically grabs Big Show and whips him into the standing casket, which topples over and closes, giving him the win.

Winner : The Undertaker

That match was shitty and boring and pointless and and I would never recommend anyone to watch it because of the aforementioned adjectives I used to describe it. Let's move on.

Armageddon advertisement featuring Triple H in his Conan The Barbarian gear interspersed between images of warriors fighting. Let's move on.

Carlito and his brother Primo meet up with the Bella Twins backstage. They're about to ask the sisters out when THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER appears. Carlito thinks it's Charlie Haas when Charlie himself walks up and is all "s'up?" The person in the turkey outfit is then revealed to be The Boogeyman with a mouth full of worms. Everyone screams and runs away and smoke and red lighting pour into the room as The Boogeyman laughs at the camera for an extended period of time. Let's move on.

Randy Orton peps his team up by saying he'd rather be fighting for the title, but since he's here he is not going to lose tonight. He says this team has strengths, looking at Henry and Regal, and weaknesses, looking at Cody Rhodes. Orton then tells them to follow his lead, glaring back at Rhodes. Cody then quips that if Orton gets eliminated first, it'll be addition by subtraction. Orton flips into full angry drunk douche at a bar or some public event and says "I'm sick of your attitude man, you wanna go, let's do this!" The rest of the team seperate them and Orton storms off shouting, probably to go key Cody's car and smack his girlfriend around a little before falling asleep weeping in the tub with the bathroom door locked. Probably.

The opposing Team Captain Batista enters first for the match. R-Truth follows and tries to get the crowd into his entrance by repeating "WASSUP?" to considerable silence. Addressing them directly in the ring gets a bit of a reaction. CM Punk then follows to a big ovation, just to embarrass the shit out of Truth I guess. Punk's co-tag team champion Kofi Kingston follows after him as Cole proclaims "Jamaican me crazy!" The other announcers crack up laughing at Adamle's canned ass. Matt Hardy enters next and h e hugs every guy except Batista, who is ignoring his team by repeatedly running the ropes and GETTIN PUMPED. Batista's kind of an asshole. Matt Fact : Matt Hardy has never held a reptile and enjoyed it, unless you count his anaconda. Orton enters first for his team and waits as Cody Rhodes enters next with his bodyguard/pet Samoan Manu. Shelton Benjamin follows to the slowed down version of his music, so you know he's heel. William Regal is out next with Layla London, and he is announced as being the Intercontinental Champion and 2008 King of the Ring. We get a closeup on CM Punk here who lost to Regal in the KOTR Finals and who lost his Lumberjack Match last week on Raw to Orton due to Regal's distraction. EXTRAORDINARILY SUBLTE FORESHADOWING. Mark Henry is out last with Tony Atlas, the least reputable looking accountant this side of the Certified Public Assassins from that old Extreme Dodgeball show. You know the one.

Team Batista : Batista, R-Truth, ECW Champion Matt Hardy, World Tag Team Champions CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs Team Orton : Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, United States Champion Shelton Benjamin, Intercontinental Champion William Regal, & Mark Henry w/Manu, Layla London, & Tony Atlas ; Survivor Series Elimination Match

At the bell, Punk lifts up Regal and hits him with the GTS for the immediate elimination. Layla chucks her shoe at Punk as Cole quotes Austin Powers. Shelton Benjamin then rolls up Punk for two and Kofi gets the tag. They exchange athletic reversals and generally spring all over the place, like, well, like monkeys. There I said it. THE SILVERBACK Mark Henry gets tagged in, does next to nothing, then tags out to Cody. Cody gets doubleteamed by Truth and Matt for a bit before Batista gets the tag, and Rhodes immediately hauls ass outside to the embrace of his man-friend Manu. He cautiously reenters and Orton looks on with disgust as Rhodes makes the tag out to Shelton Benjamin. Batista dominates Shelty all over and drills him with a big vertical suplex for a nearfall before tagging in Matt Hardy. Orton gets the tag as well and gets controlled by Hardy before dodging a moonsault and tagging back out to Henry. "When you're in there with Mark Henry, your birth certificate could expire." King doesn't even try anymore. Rhodes gets him some next and he and Hardy take eachother out with a double clothesline, both tagging out to Truth and Benji. They exchange nearfalls and cartwheels and other such examples of ridiculously impressive athleticism. I can barely get my clumsy ass over a chainlink fence. Shelton hits a surprise Paydirt and Truth is eliminated.

Kofi comes off the top right afterwards with an amazing crossbody for two. Huge leaping double legdrop to Benjamin's stomach get another two. Henry gets tagged in next to remind everyone how to wrestle WWE STYLE. Orton follows, to increase the emphasis on the rest hold part of Henry's lesson. He stares down at a flailing Kofi as Batista looks on with the closest thing to a look of concern a guy like Batista can put on. It's more like a slightly tired apathy. Orton takes this opportunity to destroy Kofi and eliminates him with an elevated DDT off the second rope. Punk comes in next with a series of kicks. Big heelkick gets two and Orton tags out to Rhodes. Good storytelling follows as Rhodes works over Punk, tripping him up and locking in an armbar, doing all he can to put away Orton's adversary. Punk soon elbows out and delivers a crossbody off the top for two. The announcers put over that these two are the future of the WWE in the way that they used to way back when Orton and Cena would face off. Punk generally remains in control until Manu gets on the apron while Punk was up top, allowing Rhodes to shove Punk off and eliminate Punk with a DDT.

Henry gets the tag and faces off with Matt Hardy as they tear it up WWECW style! In other words, it's rather boring, disappointing, and you find yourself kind of waiting for it to be over more than anything. Hardy crossbody from the top is turned into a World's Strongest Slam for the elimination. Matt Fact : It is only when using the restroom at someone else's house that Matt realizes just how much of his urine doesn't end up in the toilet. Batista is the last member of his team staring down the four remaining members of Team Orton. However, he enters with a spear to quickly eliminate Henry and a spinebuster followed by a Bomb on Shelton Benjamin to cut it down to 2-1. Cody Rhodes takes the initiative and goes on the attack but of course gets fucked the fuck up because he's fucking Cody the FUCK Rhodes. MANU gets on the apron again for the distraction but Batista knocks him down and Bombs Rhodes anyway. HOWEVER, while Batista was lifting Rhodes up, Orton made the blind tag and the ref refused to count the pin . Batista then stands up angrily and turns around like an idiot right into the RKO for the loss.

Winner : Team RKO
Survivors : Cody Rhods & Randy Orton

Post-match, Orton stares back between Rhodes and Batista before making his exit. Manu looks on, extremely out of place. Manu is filthy.

An advertisement for WWE's latest video game follows. How sad of a person do you have to be to give your Created Wrestler a mohawk? Vladimir Kozlov interview time. He's asked about Jeff Hardy. He replies with a sentence in heavily accented English, but I'm way too lazy to try to understand it. We get a video package for the Jeff Hardy-less WWE Title match next that features almost nothing but Jeff Hardy.

Kozlov enters first, followed by Triple H. Damn, I thought they'd at least do the thing for Jeff where they play the entrance music for a minute to see if he shows up, then move on to the next person. Triple H poses with his belt for just over twenty-six minutes. Finally, the match begins.

Vladimir Kozlov vs WWE Champion Triple H, WWE Championship Match

Kozlov gets some boos, while Triple H gets a respectable ovation. However, at the start of the match, a huge fucking U-S-A chant gets started up. "Yoo-huss-ayyy, yoo-huss-ayy, huh huh!" I want to move to a country with a name longer than five syllables and no popular acronym, or some shithole of a country that no one's proud to call their home, just so I won't have to be embarrassed by retarded displays of patriotism. Kozlov's a bad guy because he interrupts matches to beat down everyone's beloved Jeff Hardy and Triple H, not because he's from another country. I mean they don't chant that shit at Kofi Kingston. Then again Kofi doesn't have some outdated symbol of oppression his country was associated with during the 1950s displayed all over his entrance video either. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Let's start over. COMAW JEFF HARVEY~!

Right. So they spend the beginning feeling each other out with waistlocks and headlock takeovers, backing away from each other after each move. Kozlov eventually makes it physical with, erm, an armdrag, and Trips counters with an extended hammerlock, continuously wrenching the arm. Several minutes go by. Goddamnit. This has gone on for way too long, Kozlov is supposed to be a big fucking monster who hits people with his head more than his fists and unintelligibly shouts angry communistic ideals, probably. What's all this waistlock shit? A DDT puts Kozlov down and Trips continues to hammer him with big punches as Kozlov takes it all while remaining standing. Trips runs the ropes and a big right finally puts Vladimir down and gets him pinned for two. A spinebuster follows and Trips sets up the Pedigree but Kozlov shoves him into the ropes and upon Trips' return delivers a BATTERING RAM headbutt to Hunter's chest that puts both men down. Back up, Kozlov whips H into a corner and he pulls a Shawn Michaels, going fl ying over the turnbuckle and out of the ring. Kozlov follows the champion out and lays into him on the outside before rolling him back in where he catches H with a fallaway slam for two and a powerslam for another nearfall.

Kozlov keeps Triples down with a waistlock to a big "BORING, BOOOORING" chant. The Boston crowd follows this up with a "WE WANT BATISTA CAUSE THE BOOM-BOOM THREE-MOVE TECHNIQUE HE UTILIZES EVERY SINGLE MATCH ALWAYS IS ENTERTAINING AND FUN TO WATCH AND GODDAMNIT WHURRS MAH BEER" chant. Hunter almost escapes until Kozlov slams him down for two before returning to the waistlock. For yet another long period of time. Okay, this is boring. Triple H eventually escapes and Tazz goes on record saying Kozlov will win the title tonight. Kozlov is then promptly Pedigreed and Triple H collapses, unable to cover. Vickie then walks out onto the ramp with a mic and says this will indeed be a Triple Threat Match. Huge pop as Vickie affirms "He's here, he's heeeere!" The crowd goes crazy in anticipation when Edge's music hits. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Christ this is awesome. Edge hits the ring, sporting a thick new beard, and spears the fuck out of Triple H. However the crowd pops as JEFF HARDY~! makes the save and enters the ring sporting a bright pink mohawk thing. He lays into Edge with punches before rolling out of the ring and grabbing a chair which he uses to nail both Trips and Kozlov who were getting to their feet. He turns to Edge but gets speared right the fuck down and Edge steals the pin on Triple H to win the WWE Championship.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Edge(~!)

Edge and Vickie embrace on the ramp as Edge poses with his newly won title, surveying the CARNAGE left in the ring as referees flock over the fallen bodies. Why Vickie's suddenly forgiven Edge after she did all she could to successfully drive him away from Smackdown for wrecking their marriage by cheating on her only a few months ago will surely be revealed in a sensible and complete manner this Friday on Smackdown I'm sure. We leave this lovely sight to a video package for Jericho-Cena followed by the exact same John Cena music video biographical montage we saw at the beginning of the night. Super interesting testimonials to Cena's toughness from people like John's old college friend and some Nascar driver follow. MAIN EVENT TIME.

Jericho makes his entrance first, which is kind of fucked up since it always seems to happen. Holy shit. Chris Jericho is a five time world champion now? He's racking up title wins like you'd think he was Triple H. He surveys the crowd from the ring as everyone waits WITH BAITED BREATH for John Cena's entrance. Finally his music hits and he appears, sporting a new shirt for fat kids everywhere to waddle out and buy. He receives a big ovation from his almost hometown and paces the ring during the in-ring intros. They postpone ringing the bell as long as possible to allow Cena ample basking time.

John Cena vs World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho, World Heavyweight Championship Match

They circle and Cena goes for an early FU as Jericho retreats to the apron. Back in Jericho utilizes a headlock takeover into a shoulder block and it's enough to send Cena retreating out of the ring as Jericho laughs on. They say Cena's at a disadvantage here because of his injured neck and because of the ring rust he could be suffering from. Now does he have sand in his vagina, too? He charges back in and lays into Jericho with clubs and punches followed by a snap suplex for two. STFU attempt follows but Jericho rolls through and it's Cena's turn to laugh. The match goes back and forth for a while as Cena chants overdub the action. Cena hits a big overcastle and starts to climb the turnbuckle but changes his mind and upon reentering the ring is nailed with a double arm DDT for a nearfall. Y2J lays Cena on the apron and goes out to deliver a running boot, making a jarhead sandwich with his boot and the steel ringpost. Jericho waits in the ring for the countout victory which Cena avoids by rolling in at nine. He experiences a burst of energy that Jericho manipulates into allowing Cena to propel himself over the top rope and back to the floor. Follow-up sees Cena slammed into the steps with Jericho rolling him back in this time. Resthold.

Jericho works over Cena's neck, scrunching Cena's face up so that it looks akin to Gilbert Godfried with the lips of Courtney Love. Cena however rises to the occasion (not his penis) and busts out with punches (using his penis), but running the ropes sees Jericho drop to the ground and trip Cena with his entire body. Jericho follows with the standing choke spot on the middle rope and then a full nelson. CHRIS MASTERS RUN IN~! Just kidding, that motherfucker is gone forever. Sorry, Masters fan(s?) Cena's energy is slowly being drained and he sinks to his knee as the camera pans to the pig-like Boston women cheering on Cena. "C'maaa Cenuh, we's all believes in ya!" Not sure why Bostonians talk like Swisgaar Swigelf, but there you go. Cena breaks the hold twice and Jericho goes for a bulldog but Cena shoves him off and hits the first two of his big five moves. Chris escapes the Protobomb and connects with the bulldog. Lionsault misses and Protobomb connects on the second go-round and Cena takes about a third of the match time to set up the Five Knuckle Shuffle. It of course completely fails.

Jericho locks in a modified Walls of Jericho, using his knee to assert added pressure to Cena's recently healed neck. Cena however uses his STRENGTH AND POWER to twist out of the hold which sends Jericho flying instead of, say, breaking his own spine. Jericho simply returns and locks in the regular Walls right in the center of the ring. Cena starts to cry as he crawls towards the ropes and somehow eventually reaches them. He then springs to his feet and slams Jericho with an FU. Both men are down but Cena drags himself over to score a two count. Jericho blocks a Cena charge with an elbow and attempts to drag his big ass up to the top rope. This of course backfires as Cena throws Jericho off and gives a YOU CAN'T SEE ME before connecting with the top rope Fameasser. FU attempt is escaped and Y2J hits the Codebreaker for a very nearfall. Jericho supports himself with the ropes and summons Cena up Orton-like, hitting a clothesline when Cena turned. He follows with a second over-dramatized clothesline and looks for a third. Upon attempting to deliver this third clothesline, Jericho is of course tripped up and put into the STFU. Jericho however almost reaches the ropes and Cena breaks the hold, only for Jericho to roll him up for two. Cena then simply lifts Jericho up from the ground, hoists him onto his shoulders, and FUs Jericho for the win.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : John Cena

Post-match Cena poses with the belt as we get a closeup on his gremlin-like father in the front row. He enters the crowd to hug his parents and some other ugly people. He then stands on a platform in the crowd AMONG HIS PEOPLE and poses with his newly won belt before returning to the ring and then making his exit up the ramp. He treats us to a marine salute before turning and heading to the back all humble yet arrogant as fuck,GI Joe like.

Well this night certainly had some interesting parts. We got to see John Morrison and Cody Rhodes shine some more, Edge returned to take the WWE title off of Captain Trips, and blah blah Cena blah, you don't have to think about that. The point is, Edge is back! Also Cena. But EDGE! Oh yeah, and we found out that Jeff Hardy didn't really go to the emergency room, and it was all just a kind of fucked up storyline. That's always good to hear. You never know with Jeff. So anyway, thumbs up. Allright. END SHOW.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).