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SURVIVOR

SERIES

(11/26/06)
by
James Walker

 

 

Hey there, kids! I’ve got a question for you all: What do a James Walker TWF column and having to put up with a bitchy woman who refuses to give you sex for a week have in common?

 

Answer: It must be that time of the month!

 

Follow up question: What do a James Walker TWF column and a woman going through that time of the month have in common?

 

Answer: I do them both in the nude!

 

Anywho, welcome to the “Thanksgiving Classic”, Survivor Series! Or, as we here in Canada like to call it, “That-Shitty-Time-Of-Year-Where-We’re-Not-Eating-Turkey-And Freezing-Our-Asses-Off Classic.” Get ready for an action-packed night, full of 2 minute climaxes, frustrating results, and a little more blood than you’d like to see! But enough about my sex life, let’s get to the action!

 

Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Ron Simmons, and Sgt. Slaughter w/Arn Anderson w/o Steve Austin Pissing on Him VS Kenny, Johnny, Mikey, and Nicky w/Mitch w/o Any Character What-So-Ever

 

Fact: Instead of Steve Austin, Ron Simmons was supposed to star in the next WWE Film, titled “The ConDAMNed”. However, Ron backed out when he got an offer to star in the new Michael Flatley bio-pic, RiverDAMNce, and the WWE refused alter their stanDAMNized salary for film stars, on the advice of Michael Hayes, the lead writer for SmackDAMN. The script was then changed to allow Matt Striker to appear, helping the lead study for his high-school equivalency exDAMN, but it’ll now appear as part of the DVDAMN extras. Steve Austin was cast as the lead, and shooting will begin after he gets back from his vacation in DAMNmark.

 

Alright, so before I could finish that paragraph, Ron was counted out… because of all the people on the roster, RON SIMMONS needs to be protected. Anywho, Mitch gets tossed because he interferes too much, and Arn gets tossed because, umm, he’s still upset about that time when the Horsemen turned on Sting? Or the 14 other times? I dunno. Anywho, Johnny eliminates Sarge, and Iraq sympathizes with him, because a different male cheerleader  is trying to eliminate them.

 

Dusty comes in and cleans house (Judging by the size of Dusty, I’d assume there was many-a-empty KFC buckets to discard, so it was quite the ordeal), but Kenny rolls him up. Ha ha, ROLLS! Get it? Cause he’s FAT! FAT LIKE TUESDAY!

 

Anywho, it’s left to Flair VS Mikey, Kenny, and Johnny. Oops, Mikey just got rolled up. Ok, now it’s Flair VS Ke- damn it, Kenny just got rolled up too. Fine then! It’s Flair VS J- FUCK OFF, JOHNNY JUST TAPPED TO THE FIGURE 4.

 

Winners: Ric Flair (sole survivor), Dusty Rhodes, Sgt. Slaughter, and Ron Simmons.

 

After the match, The Spirit Squad attack Flair, and Kenny hits the leg drop. You know, you could probably insert that last line into any Raw recap for the last two months, and no one would bat an eye. PS:

 

 

Chavo “Nephew of Eddie Guerrero” Guerrero, w/Vickie “Widow of Eddie Guerrero” Guerrero VS Chris “Best Friend of Eddie Guerrero” Benoit, w/o Eddie Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero Memorial Title

 

Alright, I’m gonna try something a little different here. See, with most Benoit matches I recap, I toss in about 5-20 “not this”, after something like an arm wrench, (not this), but due to the complaints I’ve received (all from Sean, who complains about the insane amount of links he has to format), I’m not going to do it tonight. Speaking of things I’m not going to do tonight…  sigh.

 

And yes, I actually wrote that entire paragraph to set up for that self-depricating humour. You see, it’s clever, because now you’re all like “ha ha, he made fun about his lack of sex, therefore he is cool and probably gets TONS!” Bwahaha, you kids are so gullible.

 

Y’know… as much as I enjoy watching him wrestle, I HATE recapping Chris Benoit matches. Seriously, it’s so fucking hard to make it funny. I mean, there’s only so many times I can be like “LOL HERES A PIC WITH A HEAD THAT LOOKS LIKE A BUTT” until even I get bored. However, until that day comes…

 

 

Oh, yes, wrestling. Benoit outclasses Chavo on the mat, but Chavo out-cheats him, with the aid of Vickie. Benoit proves his toughness by kicking out of the frog splash, but when Chavo actually wins a mat battle win Benoit by kicking him off the sharpshooter, it goes awry and Benoit knocks Vickie off the apron. Chavo then falls victim to the cross-face, and submits.

 

Winner, and still United States Champion: Eddie Guer… Chris Benoit

 

See what I did there? I really had nothing funny to say about the actual match, so I just talked about myself and how I couldn’t think of anything funny, and you accepted it. You’re such a loser!

 

Backstage, Todd chats it up with Lita and Edge. Lita is all like “YA IM GUNNA WIN THEN RETIRE K?” and Todd is all like “O RLY?” and Edge is all like “LOL YA RLY LOCAL SPORTS TEAM JOKE” and Lita is all like “LOL EDGE IS FUNNIER THAN ME” and Todd is all like “LOL IM USELESS” and then Cryme Tyme is all like “LOL WE BE STEALIN SHIT” I’m like “LOL WHY THE FUCK AM I TYPING LIKE THIS”

 

Lita VS Mickie James, Women’s Title

 

Despite the fact that this PPV already has one, I would have really like to have seen this match be a first blood match. Hey, they could just sit on a TV camera for a month and see what happens. And frankly, I’d rather pay $40 for that. But I digress.

 

I’m going to miss having Lita around. I’m going to have to find someone to fill the void she’s leaving – funny, considering normally she’s finding other people to fill her void! But honestly, is there any girl in wrestling who’s entertained as many people as Lita? And I’m not even talking about in the wrestling ring! I kid, I kid. Seriously though, Lita, you’re one stand up gal. Or lying down. Oh, come on, it’s her last match. I’m allowed to give it to her as hard as this, because – ah shit, already gave away my punch line.

 

Question for all you fellas out there. Have you noticed that when your female counterpart decides to, how shall I say, let her hand do the talking, that it never feels quite the same as when you do it? As in, it actually feels a little shittier? Well, I think this can be explained with wrestling. See, you watch women strike each other, and it TOTALLY doesn’t look legit in the slightest, and it comes across as obscenely awkward, as there’s very little rhythm to it. However, when men do it, it’s- oh, shit. I just realized I was about to make the gayest comment I probably ever could. And you probably all saw where I was going with it. .. shit. Umm… I LOVE VAGINA!!!!

 

But anyways… it’s women’s wrestling. Lita does a knee drop, and I draw parallels to the bedroom. She chokes Mickie, and I wonder if “Mickie” is code for “Chicken”. Y’know, the standard stuff. Lita lands the moonsault, but Mickie summons the power of soft-core porn, and kicks out! Pinning reversals get 2 counts, but then Mickie lands the Leaping DDT for the 3 count. SHOCK!

 

Winner and NEW WWE Women’s Champion: Mickie James

 

How bout that – Lita does the job, and ends up on her back on her way out. Like any good woman would do.

 

After the match, Cryme Tyme shows up and starts selling off Lita’s crap, fresh off of Fishman’s chest! They sell off some stolen Monistat, Panties, and a vibrator. Geez, you’d think this show was from the Superdome. They also sell Lita’s “BIG BOX”, as I wonder where the hell their fur hats are. As Lita’s final segment comes to a close, I swear I saw a tear run down her cheek… oh wait, that wasn’t a tear.

 

In a pre-taped interview, Michael Cole asks Batista questions, and Batista.. stares.. into the void… OH I GET IT, HE’S FOCUSED. I wonder if that’d work all the time.

 

Regis Philbin: Alright James… for one million dollars, how did the imfamous “Red Square” in Moscow get it’s name?

James: *glare*

Regis Philbin: I’m going to need an answer, James.

James: *glare*

Regis Philbin: You’re seriously creeping me out, man.

James: *super glare*

Regis Philbin: Fuck it, give him the money. Just stay the fuck away from my children.

James: *menacing grin*

 

Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and CM Punk VS Edge, Randy Orton, Gregory Helms, Johnny Nitro, and Mike Knox w/ Kelly Kelly, Can’t You See, Sometimes Your World Just Hypnotize Me

 

DX does their intro, but CM punk gets such a loud pop, and Hunter actually lets him do the “Are You Ready” line. Coincidentally, Satan just built a snow fort.

 

Believe me… the irony of JEFF HARDY and CM PUNK on the same team is not lost on me. I mean, this would be like Martin Luther King Jr. and Michael Richards co-hosting the Golden Globes.

 

Knox and HHH starts us – shit, Knox just ate a superkick, and got pinned. THAT’S HARD KNOX~! Eh, shut up. I have no Mike Knox jokes. Dude just ain’t funny…. Yep. I feel pretty awkward right now.

 

Nitro and HBK tangle, and HBK pauses this to go outside to hug Melina. Nitro decides he can’t take another Batista-gate, and does something about it.. like get punched! Hacksaw Jim Duggan Action Figure Sez:

 

:

(Nothing, you moron. He’s a fucking action figure)

 

Oh, and Nitro taps to the Anaconda Vice. Funny… I didn’t think Punk supported Vices? No? Too literal? Yeah, not nearly crude enough, I know. Umm… So, that CM Punk, eh? He sure likes to stick it up girls’ butts, eh? Ha, yeah, that’s funny shit.

 

Punk is playing the face in peril, which makes me wonder if he’s ever fucked a girl named Peril. Hey, you never know. Punk dodges a spear, but really, is it that hard? I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but if someone was running at my full speed, I’d PROBABLY, oh I don’t know, shuffle over two feet. But hey, that’s why I’m not a wrestler… because I’m ridiculously pale.

 

Helms in now an- oh jesus, the Hardys just eliminated him. Well then. Not only is he the longest reigning cruiserweight champion of all time, but he’s the longest reigning “no one will ever take me seriously” champion, too. Just narrowly edging out OJ “I’m going to do everything in my power to capture the culprit” Simpson, of course.

 

Edge & Orton try to leave, but DX’s bitches don’t let that happen, as Edge some Sweet Chin Music. Though, Really, I don’t see what so sweet or musical about it. I mean, it’d be like going to Ikea, and having your new bed called a “Sour Back Sculpture”. Though, those Swedish ARE fucking nuts. I mean, free university for every citizen?!?! THAT’S JUST CRAZY!

 

Oh. Yeah. Orton got bitched out too, thanks to a Pedigree.

 

Winners: HHH, Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt & Jeff Hardy (All survive… until 2071)

 

By the way:

 

“But Amy… you have another outbreak…”

 

Backstage, That Ex-Diva Search Girl (Krystal?) interviews Kennedy, and MVP basically tells the whole world that he’ll be interfering. Surprises? What’s that?

 

Undertaker VS Ken Kennedy , First Blood Match

 

I don’t know about you guys, but if I was ever in a first blood match, I’d just bring a gun to the ring. Hell, I’m beginning to wonder if Taker did that to 50 Cent.. “I’ll make you famous”, indeed!

 

You know what I like about Ken Kennedy? The fact that unlike the Ken I knew growing up, this one doesn’t wear flesh coloured underwear. Don’t ask me how I know that...

 

 

Oh, by the way, they’re brawling. But I don’t think I really needed to tell you that. Back to my stupid one liners!

 

But seriously, what kind of zombie bleeds? I thought they all had dangly bits of flesh just kinda flopping around as they try to gnaw on the brains of the living. Well, I suppose that explains why Taker’s never gone after WWE creative… </smark joke>

 

Fact: Ken Kennedy's mom is a nun. Infact, that’s where Kennedy got his intro from… “SISSSSSSTUUUUUUH.. KENNEDY!”. (By the way, neglect the fact that Ken’s MOM is a NUN. Logic and wrestling DO NOT MIX WELL. It’s like mixing Red Bull and Arsenic – you’re better off enjoying them both by themselves.)

 

Oooh, they’re in the ring now. Taker lands a big boot, and Kennedy rolls to the floor.. he’s bleeding from the mouth, but here comes MVP with a TOWEL! Uhhh, since when is the MVP of a team the TOWEL BOY? Anywho, the two try to leave, and MVP tosses Kennedy back into the ring, in a little bit of a receipt from a few weeks ago. Taker dominates him, so MVP hops on the apron and has a little tug of war with the ref over a chair. This, of course, leads to Taker getting blasted, and he blades. Kennedy pounds on the wound, just to re-inforce it, and the ref calls for the bell.

 

Winner: Ken Kennedy

 

MVP tries to sell the fact that chair shot was on accident, but what the fuck was he doing on the apron with a weapon in the first place? I mean, it’s like a military going to say, Baghdad, and saying they’re there for peace as they bomb the shit out of everything. That’s just LUNACY!

 

Anywho, Kennedy tries to attack Taker post match, but that just results in Taker landing an incredibly stiff Chair shot, and an equally stiff Tombstone. The Undertaker is like a rapper getting his gun taken away from him as he enters a club – he can’t be without his heat for long.

 

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.  Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

Backstage, Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package will soon tell us.

 

John Cena, Lashley, Kane, RVD, and Sabu VS Big Show, Umaga, Test, Finlay, and MVP

 

Ok, let’s do a roll call for this match. We have a Crazy Arab, a Pacific Savage, an Angry Canadian, a bitter Irish man, and an Arrogant Black Man. THE WWE EDUCATES ME ON FOREIGN CULTURES. THANK YOU!

 

Oh, by the way, Tazz and Styles aren’t even HERE tonight, despite the fact half the competitors in this match are from ECW. Yes, ECW is important. We also have a lot planned for Mordecai. Oh, and yes, Bret Hart won’t lose the title to Shawn Michaels in Canada.

 

Anywho, Cena and Umaga start is off, and I couldn’t help noticing…

 

“And over here, Mr. Cena, you’ll see our 2007 model of the Escalade!”

 

Cena takes Umaga to the outside, where Umaga goes postal (I’ll bet that in “Samoa”, the mail carriers “go postal” by throwing some pointy sticks and boiling foreigners in oversized cauldrons) and decks both Cena and RVD with a monitor, drawing a DQ. You know, he probably just got paid more for a minute’s worth of work than I make in a month.

 

Hey, you know, what’s with wrestling fascination of Samoa anyways? I mean, there’s many pacific island nations out there; so why does Samoa get all the attention? Samoa is always hanging out with all the cool kids, going to all the parties. I’m mean, what does Samoa have that Fiji doesn’t? Fiji is a nice guy, too. He’s also really smart, and funny. Plus, Fiji would never cheat on Germany, which is more than the ex “German Samoa” can say. Just give Fiji a chance, will you? He’ll even buy you flowers and write you poems. Come on. Please?

 

Oh, MVP just got frog-splashed and is eliminated. Oh, then test Big Abooted RVD and eliminated him, too. Test then got Tornado DDT’d by Sabu and is out as well, but then Sabu takes a chokeslam is gone. Ooh, Kane then takes a shillelagh shot and chokeslam too, and is gone. Whew! With all those eliminations, I thought I was watching some bad reality TV. Thankfully, it’s just bad TV.

 

Eventually, Little Bastard runs in and is about to get FUed, but Big Show boots Cena. You know, only in the WWE can you see a rapping marine carry a leprechaun on his back. And no, that wasn’t a compliment.

 

Anywho, Lashley pins Finlay after an EXPLODER suplex. I CAN’T POSIBLY MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THAT! Big Show then takes a double suplex from Lashley and Cena, then the 5 knuckle shuffle, then a spear, then an FU, and it’s all over.

 

Winners: John Cena, Lashley (Survivors), RVD, Sabu, and Kane.

 

We get a hype video for the “EXTREME” elimination chamber match. I’ll bet they make it “EXTREME” by having a bunch of Mountain Dew and Skateboards hidden under the ring. HARDZ0R3!!! … sigh.

 

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

A video package re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just told us.

 

Teddy “Where’d my body mass go?” Long comes to the ring to re-affirm what a video package and Booker and Sharmell just told us. Teddy “Where’d my body mass go?” Long comes to the ri- Oh, he’s actually adding the stipulation that Booker can lose the belt on a DQ or Count-out.  World Titles changing hands on DQ's? Man, what kind of fucking bushleague company would do that?

 

Batista VS King Booker w/Sharmell, World Heavyweight Championship

 

What’s with Batista’s insistence on the shaved head? I mean, when he left his cancer-ridden wife for Rebecca, did she get the kids and he got her haircut? Because if so, divorce sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

 

But seriously guys, divorce is a hard thing to deal with. I know, because I’ve banged many-a-married women, and they’re really distraught over the whole thing. Well, I think they were… I didn’t really find out, because I was pretty quick to pick up my clothes and leave through the window as the husband came up the stairs. I’m sort of like a Cat Burglar, except I don’t quite burgle “cat” as … well, you know where I’m heading with this.

 

Oh, by the way, Batista is dominating, and Booker is narrowly escaping the onslaught. You good now? Ok, back to the bullshit.

 

Fact: While Booker may have gotten his money from Wendy’s, he got his crown from Burger King. He quickly fled the scene, only to discover that the only person chasing him was an irate overweight mother complaining that her obese son wanted it back.

 

You know what I like about this whole “King Booker” shtick? The fact that a BLACK man thinks he could be KING! I mean, that’s just FUNNY! Surely, only white Europe had monarchies! And therefore, blacks could NEVER BE KING!  … Oh. Um. Shit. Why is this gimmick funny, then?

 

Hey look! Batista regains control after another short Booker flurry of offense!

 

By the way, my keyboard is really sticky right now (say WHAT?) because I’m eating pineapple with my hands. I figured my rant was fruity enough, so I thought I’d throw some flavour in here. But, I hate it when the juice goes everywhere.

 Sylvan Sez:

 I love it when the juice goes everywhere…

 

Hey, look at that… my rant just got ridiculously fruity. Funny how that works.. it’s almost as if I planned it like that! CRAZY!

 

Oh, important things are happening in the match now, so I probably should recap ‘em, right? Yeah. So.. uhh.. Batista, for some ridiculous reason, actually goes to the top rope and lands a big shoulder block. Foley/HIAC, it wasn’t. But hey, give the big fella credit… or don’t whatever. Bookend! 2 count. Batista Bomb! Rope break. Sharmell distraction… Booker misses with the title! Batista doesn’t! 3 count!

 

Winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Batista

 

Post match, Batista clutches the title like Lashley would to a new liver.

 

Show Highlight: I’m going to give it to not only CM Punk not jobbing, but actually getting involved in the pre-match spiel with DX. Something tells me that this was impromptu, due to the surprising pop he got, and Hunter was ballsy enough to play off of it. Never the less, still cool to see, even though it’ll probably mean nothing in a week when Test boots his face in. Oh well.

 

Show Lowlight:  Despite Punk and Lashley looking relatively strong, ECW still got buried tonight. Face it – they didn’t have an singles matches, and despite the fact that they were in the majority of a large match, not even their announcers were allowed to call it. A more refined point to this is the burial of RVD – the guy can withstand tables and chairs, but not a kick to the face after 90 seconds of action?

 

Overall show thoughts: Good stuff tonight. While I stand by my ECW-related frustration, the rest of the show was pretty solid. I like the emergence of Smackdown as the premier “wrestling” brand, and frankly, tonight was their show. I don’t think Michael Hayes has gotten enough credit recently, for the show is doing far better with what it’s being given in the ways of talent. Face it – stuff like MVP bringing Kennedy a towel is brilliant, and it makes for an entertaining show. While none of the matches were **** affairs, nothing was bad, which can probably be attributed to the Survivor Series format instead. This definitely wasn’t a “blow away” show, but compared to some stuff like Cyber Sunday, this was pretty good. Thumbs up. 

 

 
 
James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).