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WWE SURVIVOR SERIES 2004
(11/14/04)
 
Hey there, Cowboy, I’m Sean Carless, and welcome to the one time "Thanksgiving night tradition" that has since given way to the "completely inconsequential random mid-November Sunday tradition": THE SURVIVOR SERIES!
 
But before I get to the festivities, I have to admit I'm taken aback by the official event poster, (seen right) that is obviously purposely drawn in a GTA-like fashion. Hopefully, this means we'll see Eddie Guerrero suddenly going into business for himself tonight, concluding with him savagely murdering both Triple H and JBL with a variety of interchangeable weaponry that he'll be able to toggle through at will, before being chased in his low rider by the police in circles while he randomly runs over identical people in the crowd.
 
But hey, it could be worse. You could be Rey Mysterio there, who judging by the poster is only some 11 inches tall, and strangely only about half the size of Eddie G's entire head. No wonder he had such trouble beating him for the Cruiserweight title in WCW! But that all pales in comparison to Booker T; who looks less like the 5-time WCW champion we remember, and more like a strung out homeless guy, who'll cut your throat for moving his shopping cart full of tin cans. Which I'd imagine would only contain 5 for the sake of gimmick continuity. That's right. Dear god. All that rambling for a fucking poster...

Tonight’s show comes to us from Cleveland, in the beautiful state of Ohio! You know, the state that just a couple of weeks ago in the election, pretty much guaranteed that if there’s ever another plight to retrieve fake hidden weaponry from random Arabic countries,  your tired ass just may be fitted with pair of camouflage khakis whether you like it or not….
 
Onto the show~!
 
-Pay-per-view opening took a look back at the previous 17 Survivor Series. Little is made however of that now infamous Survivor Series Screwjob. I mean, Bam Bam Bigelow facing 4 Doinks at once? Is there no justice? *Ahem*.

-On Heat, La Résistance battled a team THEY'VE NEVER EVER FACED...this week, Rosey & the Hurricane! And the good news? Rosey's a full-blown (as in inflated) SUPER HERO now! He might want to think about changing his name though. It's kind of hard to keep your secret identity, umm, "secret" when you still use the same fucking name. "I don't know who you are Rosey, BUT I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!" Anyway, La Rez won with an Au Revoir on Hurricane, which is French for goodbye, which is carny for HOLY SHIT WE ONLY GOT TWO TAG TEAMS AND THEY'LL APPARENTLY BE WRESTLING EACH OTHER FOREVER. Come on, motherfuckers, get your heads in the game.
 
Onto the live broadcast~!
 
(C)“Evil Spock” Dudley vs. Billy Kidman vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio: 4-way Cruiserweight Title match.
 
Hey, Spike has apparently traded in his Dudley-esque camouflage pants for some shit brown slacks last seen being worn by my Garbage man. A garbage man who wears no shirt, apparently. I imagine this is how the garbage men dress in the Village in New York. That's right. Anyway, your story here is that Spike is FINALLY your Cruiserweight champion, after someone finally figured out, that yes, a 150 pound guy is indeed a cruiserweight, defending against former champion Rey Mysterio, the returning Chavo Guerrero, and the man who crushed him with a shooting star press, the now evil Billy Kidman. Apparently, you can now become a heel just by accidentally injuring people all the time. YET, fucking Ahmed Johnson was always booked as a babyface. Go figure.
 
Anyway, fast paced opener here, as they opted to have all four go at it at once as opposed to having to tag in and tag out. It also works much better because unlike the triple threat, they don't all have to pretend to be spontaneously unconscious on the floor at interchangeable times. Remind me to never play basketball with 2 other WWE superstars. I think I'd get bored lying out cold on the fucking court waiting a half hour to come into the game.
 
That said, Spike and his evil goatee try to plancha over the ropes onto Rey & Chavo on the floor, but they just side-step, and Spike crashes and burns. WHY HAS NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.  Man. "Yup, here comes my opponent leaping over the ropes. Clearly, my best bet is to try and catch his hurdling body...BLARGGGGGGHHH".  Anyway, it's at this point, Cole, in typical Cole fashion, states that Chavo & Rey are "great friends". They are? Since when? Isn't this the same motherfucker who tried to rip Rey's mask off and generally ruin his life like maybe 7 months ago? I know whenever I get my head crushed by some reckless dude, all my enemies don't suddenly want to start fucking crashing at my house and exchanging Christmas gifts. What's Chavo's secret?  After a lot of high spots, Rey ends up countering a Dudley Dog by drop-toe holding Spike neck first on the middle rope, and a 619 is delivered. But before Rey can go for the West Coast Pop, Billy Kidman yanks him to the floor. Cole says that Kidman does this because his main agenda is to hurt people and not win the title. Hey, fuckhead, YOU CAN DO BOTH. Dear god. From there, Chavo is back in, and hits the Gory Bomb and covers Spike, only Kidman breaks that up with a slingshot leg drop, and Spike rolls over and collects the pin while Kidman & Rey battle on the floor.
 
Winner: Spike Dudley's evil goatee. Hopefully, the true, good, clean-shaven Spike can one day find a way to return from that seemingly inescapable parallel universe he's eternally imprisoned in . (not OVW).
/5
 
 -Backstage, Heidenreich is being given a pep-talk by his manager Paul Heyman. Huh. Come pay-day, I hope Heidenreich is smart enough to only accept money-orders. Just saying. He is then confronted by Snitsky. The two share some really disturbing grunts and groans with one another (all without passing the toilet paper under the stall, which is the only place these sort of shared noises are acceptable). Snitsky reveals that he “likes Heidenreich’s poetry”, while Heidenreich returns with “I like what you do to babies.”  Wow. there's a compliment you can't really give anyone without expecting a punch in the face. Hilarious. The two then go their separate ways, but not before Snitsky says “I’ll see you soon”. I'd make the guess that the Pro-choice Snitsky was offering up his potential services to a miraculously pregnant Heidenreich, but as Cole can account, you have to actually not exclusively take/give it in the ass to get someone pregnant. Yup.

 
 
Christian w/ Tyson Tomko w/ PROBLEM SOLVING ABILITIES. vs. (C) Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Title;
 
Hey! Christian has new completely unidentifiable theme music! And WWE is releasing a new CD of random songs this Tuesday! And this song is on it! What are the odds! He also has new ring gear with a jacket that reads "CAPTAIN CHARISMA". Originally, Tomko was going to wear his matching jacket, but the seamstress backstage had a hard time adhering the letters "N" and "O" in front of the "Charisma" iron-on. Oh well. This is course for Shelton's newly won Intercontinental Title, which was THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE last month at Taboo Tuesday. Although, the fact that his competition included Rodney Mack and Chuck Palumbo may have played somewhat of a part in that. That'd be like running against a mound of horse-shit in the Presidential election. Wait. Bad example.

 
Excellent match here. Just great psychology. I’m really digging Shelton in the 1991 Bret Hart role of “catch as catch can”  Intercontinental champion. The  umm, black and, umm, black attack is back! Or something! Anyway, Christian puts his 'Problem Solver' Tyson Tomko to good use multiple times in this one. This week's problem? How to both suck and blow at the same time. But if anyone can figure out that equation, it's Tyson Tomko~! Ah, I kid. The "problem" here that Tomko actually solves is what is the best way to get a Shelton Benjamin from point A to point B without the referee seeing it. He accomplishes this ramming Benji into the apron then rolling him back inside.
 
Once back inside, Christian gets a big second rope reverse DDT for 2, but Shelton kicks out, because THERE  AIN'T NO STOPPING HIM NOW. Did I mention the CD is available this Tuesday? More nearfalls from Xian from there, but Shelton rallies and slingshots him into the buckles. He then goes for the Stinger splash, but Christian moves. This allows Tomko to "solve the problem" of sliding the belt into the ring; and Christian tries to use it, but Shelton boots it in his face, and goes upstairs to, as JR put it, THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. Well, we’re movin on up, to the east side.To a deluxe apartment in the sky. Movin on up to the east side. We finally got a piece of the pie! Shelton then gets a flying clothesline, but the power of Christ(ian) compels Christian to kick out. 
 
From there, as the ref is tied up with Christian, Tomko gets involved AGAIN, which somewhat surprised me, because most guys with skinheads and tattoos usually tend to love minorities! Ahem. Anyway, Tomko delivers the big boot, and something miraculous happens… it ACTUALLY connects! And for one brief instant, the stars are aligned, and there's peace on Earth! Then just like that, Tomko goes back to stinking. Oh well. It was still the best 5 seconds of my life. Second only to having sex, which strangely enough occurs in the same amount of time. Oh well. Anyway, after Tomko's boot, Christian goes for a cover, but THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING..ah, you get the picture. Benjamin kicks out. Both men back up, and Shelton quickly floats over Christian and hits the exploder! And although Christian does not shatter into many pieces as the move suggests, it's still enough for Shelton to get the pin and retain his title. GREAT match.
 
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin; proudly representing ALL the continents. The Ocean however apparently wants nothing to do with his ass. That's an honor you only receive once you win the WORLD title. True story.
/5 
 
-Backstage, Kurt Angle confronts Edge about how he (Angle) was portrayed in Edge’s book "Adam Copeland on Edge." Angle however neglects to ask how it's possible that Edge can have sex with himself as the title of the book implies. Ok then.
 
The two trade barbs, with Angle planting some seeds for a potential match with Shawn Michaels, when he makes light of Edge losing the vote at Taboo Tuesday to "a cripple". Could be worse; he could have lost a vote to a retard. Like John Kerry did. And speaking of retards, Eugene enters the scene next, and he and Kurt have a tête - à - (HUGE) tête. Seriously, either Angle's head is growing, or his body is shrinking, but at this point, Angle could stand next to the Easter Island statues, and no one would notice the fucking difference. From there, Eugene irritates Kurt by singing "you suck" to his song. And that was that. I would have personally marked out if Eugene revealed that he was the WWE’s first Special Olympic Gold Medalist to add salt to the wounds. Hey, don’t laugh, it's possible. Some of those Mongoloids can run really fast! Especially when I’m chasing them.
 
-Wrestlemania Recall: Steve Austin wins the WWF title at Wrestlemania 14! Why the fuck are they running these already? Wrestlemania isn't like for another 5 months, am I right? Dear god. But hey, it was nice to see a Wrestlemania moment for once that didn't include Hulk Hogan KILLING Andre with a bodyslam (he died a few days later according to Hulk... then I guess went on to wrestle for 6 more years as a zombie.).  Huh. Apparently there are other "Wrestlemania moments" after all. Who knew? Nosferatu Andre ftw.

 
Team Captain: Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns , Mark Jindrak and Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Jesus (Aguilera, not the risen Christ) vs. Team Captain: Eddie Guerrero, RVD, John Cena, Big Show & hands resembling interchangeable items found in your kitchen.
 
Ah, yes, our first "classic" survivor series match. Well, not that "classic", because the original teams consisted of 5 not 4. But I guess an argument could be made that Big Show is really the size of two people, and Jesus could be the unofficial 5th man on the Angle squad. After all, Jesus is ALWAYS there. He loves his team and he would never leave them. During their times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that he carried them.
 
Before we get to the match, I have to say that John Cena must have the best doctor in the world (or somewhere along the lines he was able to drink from the cup of Christ) to come back this fast from being STABBED and “almost losing a KIDNEY” as Cole pointed out. And all with no VISIBLE SCARS to boot. Man, he must have the same surgeon that treated Kane's burns! It all makes sense now! And wait. Wasn’t Luther also stabbed once? Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this proves to me is how much of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody must have been to DIE from these same injuries! Haha.
 
Anyway, Cena is apparently mad or something at Carlito for shanking him and chases him off, as I ask myself: “What Would Jesus do?”…  Jesus Aguilera I mean. And I’ll tell you: He gets his ass kicked by Cena also, as Carlito bails and steals a woman’s car, speeding off, abandoning his team, and apparently being eliminated. But hey, I gotta ask, if you're going to go ahead and steal a car, WHY NOT TAKE EDDIE'S? IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. For a guy who stabs a dude in a night club then brags about it openly on Television for weeks, he sure is dumb...

Cena returns to his team’s side and the match is now on 4 on 3.  First man eliminated is RVD, by Angle, who pins him with a school boy rollup after RVD hit Jindrak with a five-star frog splash, and Kurt grabbed the ropes for leverage. Eddie then immediately rolls up Jindrak in a similar manner and eliminates him as well. It's funny, I was a school boy once, I don't remember fellow students trying to pin me all the time. Weird.  Anyway, Luther takes it to Big Show and clips his knee, but this just LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THIS MAN, AND THAT FIRE THEN IGNITES HIS FRYING PAN HANDS, which grab Luther and chokeslam him for the elimination. Show then takes the opportunity to fry up some lunch is in those hands while they're still hot.
 
This just leaves Kurt alone against 3 men. Kurt tries to take a powder, but here's RVD, who takes OFFENSE to this powder! Little bags filled with marijuana? Not so much. He tosses Kurt back into the ring where Cena is waiting with an F-U. Eddie then gets a frogsplash, and Show covers for the pin.
 
Winners & Survivors: Eddie, Cena & Show, the latter of which gets another measure of revenge for "getting his dignity raped" last month. That's good. So many dignity rapists get off on a technicality these days it's sickening. It's good to see justice finally prevail! Clearly.
/5 
 
-WWE 24/7 commercial airs. Order now, and you can watch old episodes of Nitro, overlapped with the Benny Hill theme song, whilst cutting to a studio where Vince McMahon belly-laughs and points a lot.

 -Backstage, Jonathan Coachman brow beats Maven. And in his case, boy is that a lot of beating. Coach then questions whether he’s in fact a legitimate Main Eventer. You and me both, buddy. Anyway, as Maven goes into why he is in fact “ready”, Gene Snitsky attacks from behind and rams him into a trunk. And why not? With Maven’s little bald head, it’s not too hard to confuse him for being infant-like. I could see how he'd make that mistake.
 
Anyway, Maven is busted open, and Fit Finlay and SKINNER?!! (Steve Keirn) are on the scene! WOW. I had no idea Skinner was an agent! I wonder if they sunk his office in Titan Tower to the bottom of a bog just to make him feel more at home. I can just picture Skinner swimming through the swamp with an agent's report clenched between his teeth. It's awesome.
 
-Heidenreich video package. Poetry and anal rape.  Kind of like what would happen if Lanny Poffo went to prison.

Heidenreich w/ Paul Heyman vs. The Undertaker
 
Heidenreich makes his way to the ring in a straight jacket. Hey, I hope if I’m ever committed, I’ll get the luxury of matching pants with my straight jacket, unlike poor Heidenreich here. But hey, just what kind of mental institution let's its inmates out to fucking wrestle? If only Hannibal Lectre had chain wrestling ability, he'd have not had to go to all that trouble to escape, and that poor security guard would still have face. Oh well.
 
 Anyway, Undertaker makes his intro next, and the ring starts to fill with smoke, and I think to myself how much braver Heyman is than what I’d be in this situation. I mean, gas coming from the ring, and a giant angry German on the scene? This is not a situation his people have ever fared too well in. If I was Paul, I’d get out of there, stat.
 
That said, this wasn’t the terrible match I expected. It wasn’t anything spectacular, mind you, but nothing embarrassing either. However, the problem with Taker’s current character (and I’m not complaining) is that the Dead man shtick limits what he can really do in the ring. When he turned American Bad Ass in 2000, he lost a lot of his entertainment factor, but grew as a wrestler, and quite honestly had some pretty good matches. Now a days though, he’s a slave to the gimmick, and people don’t buy the non-classic-Taker maneuvers in his current role. Maybe they can just say there's a chapter in the Necronomicon that bestowed him with the ability to use incorrectly applied shoot-fighting holds. That'd be good enough for me...
 
Anyway, despite what the commentators said, this match was pretty one-sided in Taker’s favor, and Heidenreich basically just kept narrowly escaping defeat. The end came after Taker miffed on the last ride finish (Heidenreich reached the ropes) but finally finished with a chokeslam/tombstone combination. And unlike the last psychotic tall blond guy in this position, Heidenreich at least had the decency to not shit himself. That's nice.
 
Winner: Undertaker, the world's greatest UFC star! (Ulitimate Fighting Creature ...of the night.).
/5 
-Backstage, Maria approaches Eric Bischoff and questions him on the State of Maven. Holy shit, they added a state called Maven to the Union? I can just picture it. Completely barren, except for one long hedge that runs concurrently across the entire state. That's right. Anyway, Bischoff doesn't care about the plight of Maven, and won't announce a replacement, because he doesn't care and is about to go on vacation. (but since Vince took great pleasure in humiliating him so much this month, I'm thinking this "vacation" might be kinda like the one Ralphie went on in Sopranos...). 
 
-Lita/Trish Stratus package. Lita deals with her post partum depression woes by getting the sudden urge to apply DDTs and moonsaults, instead of just laying in bed all day. It's a medical miracle!
 
Lita vs. (C) Trish Stratus for Women’s Title;

This isn’t even really a match, as Lita takes it to Trish right out of the gate, and it spills to the floor. Lita then snaps and “hits” Trish with a chair lightly in a not-so-hardcore moment. Let’s just say the only thing stiff during this spot was me. It's at this point, JR utters (udders?) the line: "CARNAGE KNOWS NO GENDER." You know, axe the "carnage knows" part off, and you'd have a pretty nifty T-shirt for Chyna. Anyway, the chair-shot gets Lita DQ’d but she doesn’t stop. She then Irish-whips Trish (who’s now bleeding from the nose) into the stairs, before applying a rear naked choke, as officials try to feverishly pull Lita off of her. I can relate. My rear naked choke is pretty unpopular, too. Most likely because I'm really naked when I use it. But hey, whatever.
 
Winner by Disqualification: Trish Stratus, in about a minute and a half. Roughly the amount of time I'd take to make love to her. I'm a DYNAMO.
/5

Backstage, Team Guerrero is celebrating, and they finally mention Cena’s lack of "scars" to which he answered "that he was born in the year 1518 in Glenfinnan, Scotland near the shores of Loch Shiel, and he is immortal and cannot die."  Ok, I’m kidding, but I like my answer better. Anyway, Teddy Long enters the room and a half-naked Big Show exits, but inexplicably throws his towel at Cena, apparently exposing the old hog log. I have no idea what kitchen utensil Cole or JR would compare that to. Maybe a rolling pin? I don't know. Anyway, Teddy Long then says that Cena will have his "return match" with Carlito for the U.S. title this coming Thursday. Dear lord, they segued Big Show's penis to a set up for a TV match. It's official. There is no argument for the whole "wrestling is gay" debate. You might as well just throw in the towel. So long as it isn't the one obstructing Big Show's cock. Dear lord.

 
Booker T. vs. (C) JBL for WWE Championship; If JBL loses he must leave SmackDown:
 
Am I the only one who wonders what kind of strange hand gesture Booker T. would have to make in lieu of winning the Title tonight? Perhaps Book has painted himself into a corner here with the 5-time shtick.
 
Anyway, this match started off quite awkwardly at first, but like most JBL matches this year, it picked up once the brawling spots on the floor began. One awkward moment saw JBL slip on the Spanish Announce table, but the crowd thankfully didn’t shit on it. Anyway, the story here was that Orlando kept interfering, but Booker kept regaining control and fighting off both men. At one point, Booker looks to have the WWE title won after a big missile dropkick, but JBL grabs the ropes at two. This prompts Tazz to yell out "shades of Undertaker vs. Heidenreich!". Dear lord, that there is a measuring stick you don't want to be labeled with. You might as well yell out to your partner during sex: "Shades of someone who's completely fucking terrible in bed!". I always get that one. It hurts.
 
Eventually, the ref gets bumped, and Orlando blindsides Booker. This brings out Booker T's big savior... Josh Matthews?! Dear lord. Ya, when you're up to your eyeballs in trouble, who better to come to your aid then a 150 pound guy that 90% of the crowd doesn't even recognize. HARLEM HEATLESS~! Matthews knocks Jordan out of the ring, all while wearing a suit that makes him look like he just came from grading 6th grade biology papers.  However, he turns around, and runs right into a JBL big boot and clothesline. However, this is enough of a distraction for Booker to attack JBL, and oh my, HE'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS KICK. But there's no count for Book because the ref is still out cold. A second official then ran-in, but Booker only got 2 because Jordan pulled that referee out. OJ then comes back in, and runs into a Book-end. THAT'S FOR NICOLE~! Booker bellows. Ok maybe not. Anyhoo, in all this by-gawd confusion, JBL grabs the WWE Title and levels Booker for the win as the original referee recovers and makes the count.
 
Winner: JBL. Holy shit that was one over-booked mess. I think I'd have had an easier time deciphering the fucking dead sea scrolls then recapping all the bullshit that went down in here. Of course, they won't let me touch them anymore since I tore off a few pieces to roll joints. Oh well.
/5
 
-Advertisement for Xmas in Iraq. They're doing it again this year! I personally think they should just book Heidenreich vs. Mark Jindrak in the Insurgent's camp instead. We'd have unconditional surrender by Boxing day.
 
-Backstage, Batista revealed that he's talked with Snitsky & Edge, and that they want HHH's title. Imagine wrestlers wanting the World Title! That's unheard of! Batista then secretly confides in Flair that he can't wait for his week to run RAW, planting the seeds of DISSENSION~! Flair then sells the moment with trepidation. My theory is it's because Flair will be the only Evolution member left, and he's dreading getting Dave's big ass up for the piggy-back ride of death that Orton got.
 
-Video package for the final match of Survival. It's set to a tune called "Ugly". But considering who's on the Heel team, a more apropos title I cannot recall.

Team Captain: Randy Orton, Chris Benoit,Chris Jericho & Maven vs. Team Captain: HHH, Batista, Edge & Gene Snitsky;
 
This is our final match of the evening. And like the Team Eddie vs. Team Kurt match earlier, this is indeed also a "traditional" Survivor Series match. Meaning, the following holds are now LETHAL and can finish you off completely where as they'd be almost USELESS in a standard match:
 
-CLOTHESLINES.
-POWER SLAMS.
-ELBOW DROPS.
-CLUBBING BLOWS FROM THE 2ND ROPE.
-BIG BOOTS.
-ROLL UPS.
-SMALL PACKAGES.
- SUPLEXES.
-SOMEONE TIPPING YOUR ASS OVER WHILE YOU HAVE ANOTHER GUY COVERED.
 
There. Glad I could clear that up for you.
 
Anyway, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was obvious that this match was designed to get Orton over, much like they *attempted* with Lex Luger in 1993 in the very same situation. All Orton needs now is a large vehicle capable of scouring the countryside like Lex before him. I'd once again suggest a Bus, but if some of the rumors circulating lately about Randy and the Divas are true, I think a Honey Wagon might be a better choice. Dear lord.
 
We're now officially underway, and just in case you cared, there's no sign of Maven. So this is now 4 on 3 in favor of the Heels. And I for one am HEART BROKEN.  The marquee advertised MAVEN, and by god they BETTER deliver. I for one will definitely be return- mailing my cable bill if this is the case. Eventually. Sometime. Maybe.
 
Benoit starts things off, and holds his own against all four members of the "Four Horse-Steroids" here.THEY HAVE MUSCLES IN PLACES THERE'S NOT EVEN PLACES. AND THEY HAVE TINY HOLES IN THOSE PLACES WHICH HELP MAKE THEIR MUSCLES. That's right.
 
Benoit eventually gets the sharpshooter on Trips, but that gets broken up by Snitsky. I guess it's too much to have hoped they could make it through this entire show without that fucking hold. Jesus. Crossface from there to Batista, but HHH breaks that up and hits his Wrestlemania receipt Pedigree on Benoit, and Edge tags in and gets the pin.  Wow. Win one of the biggest main-events in Wrestlemania history, and then 8 months later get outlasted in a match by MAVEN. Good grief.
 
Anyway, Snitsky and HHH argue over who got the tag soon after, and this segues into a big face to (acne-riddled) face confrontation between Batista and Snitsky. Wow. It's like a "before" and  umm, "before" poster for steroid abuse. While the two argue, HHH gets snatched by Jericho in the Walls, but luckily for Trips, Batista finally breaks it up before HHH can tap. From there, Ric Flair (who was in Evo’s corner) gets ejected for tripping up Jericho on a Lion-sault attempt, and in the ensuing chaos, Batista gets eliminated after Randy Orton gave him a belt shot from the apron, and Jericho hits his Enziguiri. STAY STILL SO I MAY BRAIN THEE! This eliminates Triple H's Evolution charges, and just leaves him alone on his squad, with his younger, more talented counterpart, and the only guy on Earth who makes the moon's surface seem like the smooth face of Liv Tyler in comparison: Gene Snitsky, to depend on.
 
Soon after, MAVEN returns with his head taped up; his bountiful eyebrows apparently acting as a pseudo air-bag, thus sparing him any permanent head trauma. He then proceeds to open up a, umm, “cup” of whoop ass, and even hits a variation of the MAVEN EFFECT on HHH!  However, Snitsky grows tired of Maven’s offense, and probably his uncomfortably small trunks as well, and smashes Maven with a chair to get disqualified. Snitsky then gives all the remaining babyfaces a chair shot before leaving; likely traveling to the nearest free clinic and volunteering his services. Women just might reconsider their stance on Parenatal life once they see this scary motherfucker. In the interim, HHH collects the pin of Maven to *officially* eliminate him. Well, he sure made a difference! Maven can now join Hillbilly Jim and Koko B. Ware from the 1988 Survivor Series in forming an all-star lame duck 'what the fuck' team somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. Whatever.
 
This just leaves HHH & Edge vs. Y2J & Orton. Orton is still out on the floor from the earlier Snitsky chair shot, and Jericho eats a spear by Edge to get eliminated, moments after he had reversed a Triple H pedigree. This leaves Orton to face both men; but after a short double teaming flurry, Edge accidentally spears HHH and eats an Orton RKO to get eliminated. This leaves just HHH and Orton, one and one. Orton tries to finish it quickly with an attempted RKO, but HHH goes low. He says "Bob Orton may not even be your father! And you mother never wanted a son!" Or maybe he just punched him in the balls.Whatever. HHH then goes for probably the millionth pedigree in this match, but Orton pulls a page out of Dallas Page’s book...a book that the poor fucker can't read because he's dyslexic, and quickly spins out of the pedigree attempt in one fluid motion, and hits a perfect RKO to win the match, and earn the right for his team to “run” Raw for the next month!

Winner and sole survivor: Randy Orton; the man who made our dreams of at least one entirely Maven ran-Monday Night RAW a reality! And by "dream" I mean comparable to the one where you suddenly discover you went to school without pants.
/5
 
End show.
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a bad pay-per-view, but then again, nothing overtly spectacular either over-all. However, Christian vs. Benjamin delivered even above expectations, and the main event was cleverly booked. Hell, even Undertaker wrestling Heidenreich wasn't nearly the life-sucking clusterfuck it could have been. My only real complaint was the length of the Women's match. There's absolutely no excuse for a 2 minute match on pay-per-view. They could have saved everyone's time and just had a skit backstage if the point was Lita just wanted to murder Trish rather than win the title. That said, though, there were two excellent matches, and that almost always is enough to get my venerable thumb of full uppery. And thus it does. Thumbs up.
 
I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).