WWE SURVIVOR SERIES 2004
Cowboy, I’m Sean Carless, and welcome to the one
time "Thanksgiving night tradition" that has since
given way to the "completely inconsequential random
mid-November Sunday tradition": THE SURVIVOR SERIES!
But before I get to the festivities, I have to
admit I'm taken aback by the official event poster,
(seen right) that is obviously purposely drawn in a
GTA-like fashion. Hopefully, this means
we'll see Eddie Guerrero suddenly going into
business for himself tonight, concluding with
him savagely murdering both Triple H and JBL with a
variety of interchangeable weaponry that he'll be
able to toggle through at will, before
being chased in his low rider by the police in
circles while he randomly runs over identical people
in the crowd.
But hey, it could be worse. You could be Rey
Mysterio there, who judging by the poster is only
some 11 inches tall, and strangely only about
half the size of Eddie G's entire head. No wonder he
had such trouble beating him for the Cruiserweight
title in WCW! But that all pales in
comparison to Booker T; who looks less like the
5-time WCW champion we remember, and more like a
strung out homeless guy, who'll cut your throat for
moving his shopping cart full of tin cans. Which I'd
imagine would only contain 5 for the sake of gimmick
continuity. That's right. Dear god. All that
rambling for a fucking poster...
comes to us from Cleveland, in the beautiful state
of Ohio! You know, the state that just a
couple of weeks ago in the election, pretty
much guaranteed that if there’s ever another plight
to retrieve fake hidden weaponry from random Arabic
countries, your tired ass just may be fitted with
pair of camouflage khakis whether you like it or
Onto the show~!
opening took a look back at the previous 17 Survivor
Series. Little is made however of that now infamous
Survivor Series Screwjob. I mean, Bam Bam Bigelow
facing 4 Doinks at once? Is there no justice?
-On Heat, La Résistance
battled a team THEY'VE NEVER EVER FACED...this
week, Rosey & the Hurricane! And the good news?
Rosey's a full-blown (as in inflated) SUPER HERO
now! He might want to think about changing his name
though. It's kind of hard to keep your secret
identity, umm, "secret" when you still use the same
fucking name. "I don't know who you are Rosey,
BUT I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!" Anyway, La
Rez won with an Au Revoir on Hurricane, which is
French for goodbye, which is carny for HOLY SHIT WE
ONLY GOT TWO TAG TEAMS AND THEY'LL APPARENTLY BE
WRESTLING EACH OTHER FOREVER. Come on,
motherfuckers, get your heads in the game.
Onto the live broadcast~!
(C)“Evil Spock” Dudley vs. Billy Kidman vs. Chavo
Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio: 4-way Cruiserweight Title
Hey, Spike has apparently
traded in his Dudley-esque camouflage pants for some
shit brown slacks last seen being worn by my Garbage
man. A garbage man who wears no shirt,
apparently. I imagine this is how the garbage
men dress in the Village in New York. That's right.
Anyway, your story here is that Spike is
FINALLY your Cruiserweight champion, after someone
finally figured out, that yes, a 150 pound guy is
indeed a cruiserweight, defending against former
champion Rey Mysterio, the returning Chavo Guerrero,
and the man who crushed him with a shooting star
press, the now evil Billy Kidman. Apparently, you
can now become a heel just by accidentally injuring
people all the time. YET, fucking Ahmed Johnson was
always booked as a babyface. Go figure.
paced opener here, as they opted to have all four go
at it at once as opposed to having to tag in and tag
out. It also works much better because unlike the
triple threat, they don't all have to pretend to be
spontaneously unconscious on the floor at
interchangeable times. Remind me to never play
basketball with 2 other WWE superstars. I think I'd
get bored lying out cold on the fucking court
waiting a half hour to come into the game.
That said, Spike and his evil goatee try
to plancha over the ropes onto Rey & Chavo on the
floor, but they just side-step, and Spike crashes
and burns. WHY HAS NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF THIS
BEFORE. Man. "Yup, here comes my opponent
leaping over the ropes. Clearly, my best bet is to
try and catch his hurdling body...BLARGGGGGGHHH".
Anyway, it's at this point, Cole, in typical Cole
fashion, states that Chavo & Rey are "great
friends". They are? Since when? Isn't this the same
motherfucker who tried to rip Rey's mask off and
generally ruin his life like maybe 7 months ago? I
know whenever I get my
head crushed by some reckless dude, all my enemies
don't suddenly want to start fucking crashing at my
house and exchanging Christmas gifts. What's Chavo's
secret? After a lot of high spots, Rey ends
up countering a Dudley Dog by drop-toe holding Spike
neck first on the middle rope, and a 619 is
delivered. But before Rey can go for the West Coast
Pop, Billy Kidman yanks him to the floor. Cole says
that Kidman does this because his main agenda is to
hurt people and not win the title. Hey, fuckhead,
YOU CAN DO BOTH. Dear god. From there, Chavo is back in, and
hits the Gory Bomb and covers Spike, only Kidman
breaks that up with a slingshot leg drop, and Spike
rolls over and collects the pin while Kidman & Rey
battle on the floor.
Winner: Spike Dudley's
evil goatee. Hopefully, the true, good,
clean-shaven Spike can one day find a way to return
from that seemingly inescapable parallel universe
he's eternally imprisoned in . (not OVW).
is being given a pep-talk by his manager
Paul Heyman. Huh. Come pay-day, I hope Heidenreich
is smart enough to only accept money-orders. Just
saying. He is then confronted by Snitsky. The two
share some really disturbing grunts and groans with
one another (all without passing the toilet paper
under the stall, which is the only place these sort
of shared noises are acceptable). Snitsky reveals
that he “likes Heidenreich’s poetry”, while
Heidenreich returns with “I like what you do to
babies.” Wow. there's a compliment you can't
really give anyone without expecting a punch in the
face. Hilarious. The two then go their separate
ways, but not before Snitsky says “I’ll see you
soon”. I'd make the guess that the Pro-choice
Snitsky was offering up his potential services to a
miraculously pregnant Heidenreich, but as Cole can
account, you have to actually not exclusively
take/give it in the ass to get someone
Christian w/ Tyson Tomko w/ PROBLEM
SOLVING ABILITIES. vs. (C) Shelton Benjamin for the
Christian has new completely unidentifiable theme
music! And WWE is releasing a new CD of random songs
this Tuesday! And this song is on it! What are the
odds! He also has new ring gear with a jacket that
reads "CAPTAIN CHARISMA". Originally, Tomko was
going to wear his
matching jacket, but the seamstress backstage had a
hard time adhering the letters "N" and "O" in front
of the "Charisma" iron-on. Oh well. This is course
for Shelton's newly won Intercontinental Title,
which was THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE last month at Taboo
Tuesday. Although, the fact that his competition
included Rodney Mack and Chuck Palumbo may have
played somewhat of a part in that. That'd be like
running against a mound of horse-shit in the
Presidential election. Wait. Bad example.
Excellent match here. Just
great psychology. I’m really digging Shelton in the
1991 Bret Hart role of “catch as catch can”
Intercontinental champion. The umm, black and,
umm, black attack is back! Or something! Anyway,
Christian puts his 'Problem Solver' Tyson Tomko to
good use multiple times in this one. This week's
problem? How to both suck and blow at the same time.
But if anyone can figure out that equation, it's
Tyson Tomko~! Ah, I kid. The "problem" here
that Tomko actually solves is what is the best way
to get a Shelton Benjamin from point A to point B
without the referee seeing it. He accomplishes this
ramming Benji into the apron then rolling him back
inside, Christian gets a big second rope reverse DDT
for 2, but Shelton kicks out, because THERE
AIN'T NO STOPPING HIM NOW. Did I mention the CD is
available this Tuesday? More nearfalls from Xian
from there, but Shelton rallies and slingshots him
into the buckles. He then goes for the Stinger
splash, but Christian moves. This allows Tomko to
"solve the problem" of sliding the belt into the
ring; and Christian tries to use it, but Shelton
boots it in his face, and goes upstairs to, as JR
put it, THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. Well, we’re movin on
up, to the east side.To a deluxe apartment in the
sky. Movin on up to the east side. We finally got a
piece of the pie! Shelton then gets a flying
clothesline, but the power of Christ(ian)
compels Christian to kick out.
From there, as
the ref is tied up with Christian, Tomko gets
involved AGAIN, which somewhat surprised me, because
most guys with skinheads and tattoos usually tend to
love minorities! Ahem. Anyway, Tomko delivers the
big boot, and something miraculous happens… it
ACTUALLY connects! And for one brief instant, the
stars are aligned, and there's peace on Earth! Then
just like that, Tomko goes back to stinking. Oh
well. It was still the best 5 seconds of my life.
Second only to having sex, which strangely enough
occurs in the same amount of time. Oh well. Anyway,
after Tomko's boot, Christian goes for a cover, but
THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING..ah, you get the picture.
Benjamin kicks out. Both men back up, and Shelton
quickly floats over Christian and hits the exploder!
And although Christian does not shatter into many
pieces as the move suggests, it's still enough for
Shelton to get the pin and retain his title. GREAT
and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Shelton
Benjamin; proudly representing ALL the continents.
The Ocean however apparently wants nothing to do
with his ass. That's an honor you only receive once
you win the WORLD title. True story.
Kurt Angle confronts Edge about how he (Angle) was
portrayed in Edge’s book "Adam Copeland on Edge."
Angle however neglects to ask how it's possible that
Edge can have sex with himself as the title of the
book implies. Ok then.
The two trade barbs, with Angle planting
some seeds for a potential match with Shawn
Michaels, when he makes light of Edge losing the
vote at Taboo Tuesday to "a cripple". Could be
worse; he could have lost a vote to a retard. Like
John Kerry did. And speaking of retards, Eugene
enters the scene next, and he and Kurt have a tête -
à - (HUGE) tête. Seriously, either Angle's head is
growing, or his body is shrinking, but at this
point, Angle could stand next to the Easter Island
statues, and no one would notice the fucking
difference. From there, Eugene irritates Kurt by
singing "you suck" to his song. And that was that. I
would have personally marked out if Eugene revealed
that he was the WWE’s first Special Olympic Gold
Medalist to add salt to the wounds. Hey, don’t
laugh, it's possible. Some of those Mongoloids can
run really fast! Especially when I’m chasing them.
Steve Austin wins the WWF title at Wrestlemania 14!
Why the fuck are they running these already?
Wrestlemania isn't like for another 5 months, am I
right? Dear god. But hey, it was nice to see a
Wrestlemania moment for once that didn't include
Hulk Hogan KILLING Andre with a bodyslam (he died a
few days later according to Hulk... then I guess
went on to wrestle for 6 more years as a zombie.).
Huh. Apparently there are other
"Wrestlemania moments" after all. Who knew?
Nosferatu Andre ftw.
Team Captain: Kurt Angle, Luther
Reigns , Mark Jindrak and Carlito Caribbean Cool w/
Jesus (Aguilera, not the risen Christ) vs. Team
Captain: Eddie Guerrero, RVD, John Cena, Big Show &
hands resembling interchangeable items found in your
Ah, yes, our first "classic"
survivor series match. Well, not that "classic",
because the original teams consisted of 5 not 4. But
I guess an argument could be made that Big Show is
really the size of two people, and Jesus could be
the unofficial 5th man on the Angle squad. After
all, Jesus is ALWAYS there. He loves his team and he
would never leave them. During their times of trial
and suffering, when you see only one set of
footprints, it was then that he carried them.
Before we get to the
match, I have to say that John Cena must have the
best doctor in the world (or somewhere along the
lines he was able to drink from the cup of Christ)
to come back this fast from being STABBED and
“almost losing a KIDNEY” as Cole pointed out. And
all with no VISIBLE SCARS to boot. Man, he must have
the same surgeon that treated Kane's burns! It all
makes sense now! And wait. Wasn’t Luther also
stabbed once? Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this proves
to me is how much of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody must
have been to DIE from these same injuries! Haha.
Anyway, Cena is apparently mad or something at
Carlito for shanking him and chases him off, as I
ask myself: “What Would Jesus do?”… Jesus
Aguilera I mean. And I’ll tell you: He gets his ass
kicked by Cena also, as Carlito bails and steals a
woman’s car, speeding off, abandoning his team, and
apparently being eliminated. But hey, I gotta ask,
if you're going to go ahead and steal a car, WHY NOT
TAKE EDDIE'S? IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. For a guy
who stabs a dude in a night club then brags about it
openly on Television for weeks, he sure is dumb...
Cena returns to his
team’s side and the match is now on 4 on 3.
First man eliminated is RVD, by Angle, who pins him
with a school boy rollup after RVD hit Jindrak with
a five-star frog splash, and Kurt grabbed the ropes
for leverage. Eddie then immediately rolls up
Jindrak in a similar manner and eliminates him as
well. It's funny, I was a school boy once, I don't
remember fellow students trying to pin me all the
time. Weird. Anyway, Luther takes it to Big Show
and clips his knee, but this just LIGHTS A FIRE
UNDER THIS MAN, AND THAT FIRE THEN IGNITES HIS
FRYING PAN HANDS, which grab Luther and chokeslam
him for the elimination. Show then takes the
opportunity to fry up some lunch is in those hands
while they're still hot.
This just leaves Kurt
alone against 3 men. Kurt tries to take a powder,
but here's RVD, who takes OFFENSE to this powder!
Little bags filled with marijuana? Not so much. He
tosses Kurt back into the ring where Cena is waiting
with an F-U. Eddie then gets a frogsplash, and Show
covers for the pin.
Winners & Survivors:
Eddie, Cena & Show, the latter of which gets another
measure of revenge for "getting his dignity raped"
last month. That's good. So many dignity rapists get
off on a technicality these days it's sickening.
It's good to see justice finally prevail! Clearly.
-WWE 24/7 commercial
airs. Order now, and you can watch old episodes of
Nitro, overlapped with the Benny Hill theme song,
whilst cutting to a studio where Vince McMahon
belly-laughs and points a lot.
Coachman brow beats Maven. And in his case, boy is
that a lot of beating. Coach then questions whether
he’s in fact a legitimate Main Eventer. You and me
both, buddy. Anyway, as Maven goes into why he is in
fact “ready”, Gene Snitsky attacks from behind and
rams him into a trunk. And why not? With Maven’s
little bald head, it’s not too hard to confuse him
for being infant-like. I could see how he'd make
Anyway, Maven is busted
open, and Fit Finlay and SKINNER?!! (Steve Keirn)
are on the scene! WOW. I had no idea Skinner was an
agent! I wonder if they sunk his office in Titan
Tower to the bottom of a bog just to make him feel
more at home. I can just picture Skinner swimming
through the swamp with an agent's report clenched
between his teeth. It's awesome.
package. Poetry and anal rape. Kind of like
what would happen if Lanny Poffo went to prison.
Heidenreich w/ Paul Heyman vs. The
Heidenreich makes his
way to the ring in a straight jacket. Hey, I hope if
I’m ever committed, I’ll get the luxury of
matching pants with my straight jacket, unlike
poor Heidenreich here. But hey, just what kind of
mental institution let's its inmates out to fucking
wrestle? If only Hannibal Lectre had chain wrestling
ability, he'd have not had to go to all that trouble
to escape, and that poor security guard would still
have face. Oh well.
makes his intro next, and the ring starts to fill
with smoke, and I think to myself how much braver
Heyman is than what I’d be in this situation. I
mean, gas coming from the ring, and a giant angry
German on the scene? This is not a situation his
people have ever fared too well in. If I was Paul,
I’d get out of there, stat.
That said, this wasn’t
the terrible match I expected. It wasn’t anything
spectacular, mind you, but nothing embarrassing
either. However, the problem with Taker’s current
character (and I’m not complaining) is that the Dead
man shtick limits what he can really do in the ring.
When he turned American Bad Ass in 2000, he lost a
lot of his entertainment factor, but grew as a
wrestler, and quite honestly had some pretty good
matches. Now a days though, he’s a slave to the
gimmick, and people don’t buy the non-classic-Taker
maneuvers in his current role. Maybe they can just
say there's a chapter in the Necronomicon that
bestowed him with the ability to use incorrectly
applied shoot-fighting holds. That'd be good enough
Anyway, despite what
the commentators said, this match was pretty
one-sided in Taker’s favor, and Heidenreich
basically just kept narrowly escaping defeat. The
end came after Taker miffed on the last ride finish
(Heidenreich reached the ropes) but finally finished
with a chokeslam/tombstone combination. And unlike
psychotic tall blond guy in this position,
Heidenreich at least had the decency to not shit
himself. That's nice.
Winner: Undertaker, the
world's greatest UFC star! (Ulitimate
Fighting Creature ...of the night.).
-Backstage, Maria approaches Eric Bischoff and
questions him on the State of Maven. Holy shit, they
added a state called Maven to the Union? I can just
picture it. Completely barren, except for one
long hedge that runs concurrently across the entire
state. That's right. Anyway, Bischoff doesn't care
about the plight of Maven, and won't announce a
replacement, because he doesn't care and is about
to go on vacation. (but since Vince took great
pleasure in humiliating him so much this month, I'm
thinking this "vacation" might be kinda like the one
Ralphie went on in Sopranos...).
-Lita/Trish Stratus package. Lita deals with
her post partum depression woes by getting the
sudden urge to apply DDTs and moonsaults, instead of
just laying in bed all day. It's a medical miracle!
Lita vs. (C) Trish Stratus for
This isn’t even really a match, as Lita
takes it to Trish right out of the gate, and it
spills to the floor. Lita then snaps and “hits”
Trish with a chair lightly in a not-so-hardcore
moment. Let’s just say the only thing stiff during
this spot was me. It's at this point, JR utters
(udders?) the line: "CARNAGE KNOWS NO GENDER." You
know, axe the "carnage knows" part off, and you'd
have a pretty nifty T-shirt for Chyna.
Anyway, the chair-shot gets Lita DQ’d but she
doesn’t stop. She then Irish-whips Trish (who’s
now bleeding from the nose) into the stairs, before
applying a rear naked choke, as officials try to
feverishly pull Lita off of her. I can relate. My
rear naked choke is pretty unpopular, too. Most
likely because I'm really naked when I use it. But
Disqualification: Trish Stratus, in about a minute
and a half. Roughly the amount of time I'd take to
make love to her. I'm a DYNAMO.
Guerrero is celebrating, and they finally mention
Cena’s lack of "scars" to which he answered "that he
was born in the year 1518 in Glenfinnan, Scotland
near the shores of Loch Shiel, and he is immortal
and cannot die." Ok, I’m kidding, but I like
my answer better. Anyway, Teddy Long enters the room
and a half-naked Big Show exits, but inexplicably
throws his towel at Cena, apparently exposing the
old hog log. I have no idea what kitchen utensil
Cole or JR would compare that to. Maybe a rolling
pin? I don't know. Anyway, Teddy Long then says that
Cena will have his "return match" with Carlito for
the U.S. title this coming Thursday. Dear lord, they
segued Big Show's penis to a set up for a TV match.
It's official. There is no argument for the whole
"wrestling is gay" debate. You might as well
just throw in the towel. So long as it isn't the one
obstructing Big Show's cock. Dear lord.
Booker T. vs. (C) JBL for WWE
Championship; If JBL loses he must leave SmackDown:
Am I the only one who wonders what kind of
strange hand gesture Booker T. would have to make in
lieu of winning the Title tonight? Perhaps Book has
painted himself into a corner here with the 5-time
Anyway, this match started off quite
awkwardly at first, but like most JBL matches this
year, it picked up once the brawling spots on the
floor began. One awkward moment saw JBL slip on the
Spanish Announce table, but the crowd thankfully
didn’t shit on it. Anyway, the story here was that
Orlando kept interfering, but Booker kept regaining
control and fighting off both men. At one point,
Booker looks to have the WWE title won after a big
missile dropkick, but JBL grabs the ropes at two.
This prompts Tazz to yell out "shades of Undertaker
vs. Heidenreich!". Dear lord, that there is a
measuring stick you don't want to be labeled with.
You might as well yell out to your partner during
sex: "Shades of someone who's completely
fucking terrible in bed!". I always get that one. It
Eventually, the ref gets bumped, and
Orlando blindsides Booker. This brings out Booker
T's big savior... Josh Matthews?! Dear
lord. Ya, when you're up to your eyeballs in
trouble, who better to come to your aid then a 150
pound guy that 90% of the crowd doesn't even
recognize. HARLEM HEATLESS~! Matthews knocks Jordan
out of the ring, all while wearing a suit that makes
him look like he just came from grading 6th grade
biology papers. However, he turns around, and
runs right into a JBL big boot and clothesline.
However, this is enough of a distraction for Booker
to attack JBL, and oh my, HE'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
KICK. But there's no count for Book because the ref
is still out cold. A second official then ran-in,
but Booker only got 2 because Jordan pulled that
referee out. OJ then comes back in, and runs into a
Book-end. THAT'S FOR NICOLE~! Booker bellows. Ok
maybe not. Anyhoo, in all this by-gawd confusion, JBL
grabs the WWE Title and levels Booker for the win as
the original referee recovers and makes the count.
Winner: JBL. Holy shit that was one over-booked
mess. I think I'd have had an easier time
deciphering the fucking dead sea scrolls then
recapping all the bullshit that went down in here.
Of course, they won't let me touch
them anymore since I tore off a few pieces to roll
joints. Oh well.
for Xmas in Iraq. They're doing it again this year!
I personally think they should just book Heidenreich
vs. Mark Jindrak in the Insurgent's camp instead.
We'd have unconditional surrender by Boxing day.
Batista revealed that he's talked with Snitsky &
Edge, and that they want HHH's title. Imagine
wrestlers wanting the World Title! That's unheard
of! Batista then secretly confides in Flair that he
can't wait for his week to run RAW,
planting the seeds of DISSENSION~! Flair then sells
the moment with trepidation. My theory is
it's because Flair will be the only Evolution member
left, and he's dreading getting Dave's big ass up
for the piggy-back ride of death that Orton got.
for the final match of Survival. It's set to a tune
called "Ugly". But considering who's on the Heel
team, a more apropos title I cannot recall.
Team Captain: Randy Orton, Chris
Benoit,Chris Jericho & Maven vs. Team Captain: HHH,
Batista, Edge & Gene Snitsky;
This is our final match
of the evening. And like the Team Eddie vs. Team
Kurt match earlier, this is indeed also a
"traditional" Survivor Series match. Meaning, the
following holds are now LETHAL and can finish you
off completely where as they'd be almost USELESS in
a standard match:
-CLUBBING BLOWS FROM
THE 2ND ROPE.
-SOMEONE TIPPING YOUR
ASS OVER WHILE YOU HAVE ANOTHER GUY COVERED.
There. Glad I could
clear that up for you.
Anyway, if I didn't
know better, I'd say it was obvious that this match
was designed to get Orton over, much like they
*attempted* with Lex Luger in 1993 in the very same
situation. All Orton needs now is a large vehicle
capable of scouring the countryside like Lex before
him. I'd once again suggest a Bus, but if
some of the rumors circulating lately about Randy
and the Divas are true, I think a Honey Wagon might be a better choice. Dear lord.
We're now officially
underway, and just in case you cared, there's no
sign of Maven. So this is now 4 on 3 in favor of the
Heels. And I for one am HEART BROKEN. The marquee
advertised MAVEN, and by god they BETTER deliver. I
for one will definitely be return- mailing my cable
bill if this is the case. Eventually. Sometime.
Benoit starts things
off, and holds his own against all four members of
the "Four Horse-Steroids" here.THEY HAVE MUSCLES IN
PLACES THERE'S NOT EVEN PLACES. AND THEY HAVE
TINY HOLES IN THOSE PLACES WHICH HELP MAKE THEIR
MUSCLES. That's right.
Benoit eventually gets
the sharpshooter on Trips, but that gets broken up
by Snitsky. I guess it's too much to have hoped they
could make it through this entire show without that
fucking hold. Jesus. Crossface from there to
Batista, but HHH breaks that up and hits his
Wrestlemania receipt Pedigree on Benoit, and Edge
tags in and gets the pin. Wow. Win one of the
biggest main-events in Wrestlemania history, and
then 8 months later get outlasted in a match by
MAVEN. Good grief.
Anyway, Snitsky and HHH
argue over who got the tag soon after, and this
segues into a big face to (acne-riddled) face
confrontation between Batista and Snitsky. Wow. It's
like a "before" and umm, "before" poster for
steroid abuse. While the two argue, HHH gets
snatched by Jericho in the Walls, but luckily for
Trips, Batista finally breaks it up before HHH can
tap. From there, Ric Flair (who was in Evo’s corner)
gets ejected for tripping up Jericho on a Lion-sault
attempt, and in the ensuing chaos, Batista gets
eliminated after Randy Orton gave him a belt shot
from the apron, and Jericho hits his Enziguiri. STAY
STILL SO I MAY BRAIN THEE! This eliminates Triple
H's Evolution charges, and just leaves him alone on
his squad, with his younger, more talented
counterpart, and the only guy on Earth who makes the
moon's surface seem like the smooth face of Liv
Tyler in comparison: Gene Snitsky, to depend on.
Soon after, MAVEN
returns with his head taped up; his bountiful
eyebrows apparently acting as a pseudo air-bag, thus
sparing him any permanent head trauma. He then
proceeds to open up a, umm, “cup” of whoop ass, and
even hits a variation of the MAVEN EFFECT on HHH!
However, Snitsky grows tired of Maven’s offense, and
probably his uncomfortably small trunks as well, and
smashes Maven with a chair to get disqualified.
Snitsky then gives all the remaining babyfaces a
chair shot before leaving; likely traveling to the
nearest free clinic and volunteering his services.
Women just might reconsider their stance on
Parenatal life once they see this scary
motherfucker. In the interim, HHH collects the pin
of Maven to *officially* eliminate him. Well, he
sure made a difference! Maven can now join Hillbilly
Jim and Koko B. Ware from the 1988 Survivor Series
in forming an all-star lame duck 'what the fuck'
team somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. Whatever.
This just leaves HHH &
Edge vs. Y2J & Orton. Orton is still out on the
floor from the earlier Snitsky chair shot, and
Jericho eats a spear by Edge to get
eliminated, moments after he had reversed a Triple H
pedigree. This leaves Orton to face
both men; but after a short double teaming
flurry, Edge accidentally spears HHH and eats an
Orton RKO to get eliminated. This leaves just HHH
and Orton, one and one. Orton tries to finish it
quickly with an attempted RKO, but HHH goes low.
He says "Bob Orton may not even be your father! And
you mother never wanted a son!" Or maybe he just
punched him in the balls.Whatever. HHH then goes for
probably the millionth pedigree in this match, but
Orton pulls a page out of Dallas Page’s book...a
book that the poor fucker can't read because he's
dyslexic, and quickly spins out of the pedigree
attempt in one fluid motion, and hits a perfect RKO
to win the match, and earn the right for his team to
“run” Raw for the next month!
Winner and sole
survivor: Randy Orton; the man who made our dreams
of at least one entirely Maven ran-Monday Night RAW
a reality! And by "dream" I mean comparable to the
one where you suddenly discover you went to school
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a bad pay-per-view,
but then again, nothing overtly spectacular either
over-all. However, Christian vs. Benjamin delivered
even above expectations, and the main event was
cleverly booked. Hell, even Undertaker wrestling
Heidenreich wasn't nearly the life-sucking
clusterfuck it could have been. My only real
complaint was the length of the Women's match.
There's absolutely no excuse for a 2 minute match on
pay-per-view. They could have saved everyone's time
and just had a skit backstage if the point was Lita
just wanted to murder Trish rather than win the
title. That said, though, there were two excellent
matches, and that almost always is enough to get my
venerable thumb of full uppery. And thus it does.
Send Feedback to Sean
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.