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WWE 
SURVIVOR SERIES 2003
 (11/16/03)
 
Hey there party people, I'm your lovable host of very limited PPV recappery, Sean Carless, and welcome to the Survivor Series! The event that caused the complete unraveling and subsequent destruction of Bret Hart's life and mental wellbeing! Many of us can no doubt relate to this phenomenon as it pertains to WWE pay-per-views. We feel your pain, Bret. Clearly.
 
Were are LIVE from Dallas Texas! Yes Texas. And yes, Booker T is wrestling tonight, so I think it's fair to say he'll know the exact location of every light in the arena by evening's end. You know, I don't know why Book even bothers to show up when booked in the Lone star state anymore. It never works out for him.
 
Onto the Show~!
 
TEAM ANGLE: Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw & Hardcore Holly vs. TEAM LESNAR: Brock Lesnar, A-Train, Big Show, Nathan Jones & Matt Morgan
 
It was strange seeing Smackdown's Main Event (barring the *ahem* WAR that will be Undertaker/ Vince) curtain-jerking here, but actually this wasn't the first time the WWE Champion opened up Series. The other time was in 1990 when Ultimate Warrior captained his team of Animal, Hawk & Kerry Von Erich in the evening's opener. And yes, much like life itself, Hawk & Von Erich didn't survive that night either. Oh well.
 
The commentators almost immediately put over the sheer size of the team nicknamed "Team Beef", which to me sounds like the name of an especially disturbing gay porno movie. Or, it could be a slap in the face to Chris Benoit, whose home province of Alberta's lucrative cattle industry is currently being crippled by a mad cow disease scandal. I wouldn't put it past WWE to create a subtle insult to our nation through a team name no one on earth would get or understand. Or maybe that was just my joke. Whatever.
 
The match is now underway, and BIG TIME MAIN EVENTER Hardcore Holly, gets himself disqualified right out of the hop, for channeling the same rage and intensity he had when he bested Mantaur 8 years ago. Which I think is the last time this motherfucker won a match. Huh. And all he had to do to get a main event program was be really unprofessional at his job. Go figure. By this logic, I should go throw a hot cup of coffee in a co-worker's face tomorrow. I'll be VP by lunch.
 
Anyway, with the huge gaping void (not Lita) left by Bob Holly's absence, and because no one could find the phone number of other potential "main eventers" Koko B. Ware, Sonny Trout and Iron Mike Sharpe to take his place, Kurt Angle's team is left at a serious disadvantage. However, Bradshaw remedies this almost immediately, acting as the proverbial bottle of "Nair" to A-Train, cutting him down with the "Clothesline from Hell", and sending him back to the showers, where his copious amounts of body hair will no doubt soak up all the water, and cause a drought in Texas. Almost immediately after though, Bradshaw misses another clothesline on (Well it's the) Big Show, and gets eliminated after a choke-slam.
 
 Anyway, this just leaves Benoit, Angle and Cena against Show, Lesnar, Morgan and  ex-con Nathan Jones, whom I'm somewhat upset never had the opportunity to pair up with Bradshaw tonight, seeing that both have likely beared witness to more collective shower-room rapes than any two on the roster. Oh well. Out next is Matt Morgan by way of Kurt Angle and his Angle slam after Nathan Jones accidentally kicked him in the face. WAIT. NATHAN JONES HIT A KICK? Dear Lord, that's a first. Turns out though he was probably aiming for Benoit who was on the apron. But hey, whatever, you take what you can get. However, Nathan the Milkman doesn't get much of a chance to celebrate executing his first ever actual contact in pro-wrestling, because he taps out to Angle's Anklelock several seconds later. He then goes back to the dressing room and resumes his role of providing internally manufactured creamer straight from his glands for Vince McMahon's coffee. Got to love Pro wrestling. The only place on Earth a man's chest can produce milk, but a Diva's cannot. Anyway, in just about the same time it took me to pen that terrifying visual, Kurt Angle is quickly scooped up from behind and F-5'd by Lesnar to get eliminated. Holy shit. This fucking match is like watching the movie Final Destination on fast forward.
 
Anyway, we're down to a standard tag match, as this leaves only Lesnar & Show against Benoit & Cena. Benoit eventually, after several attempts, snares Lesnar in the cross-face for the shocking tap-out. Cena then gets a blind tag, as Show choke-slammed Benoit, and crowns Show with his chain and manages to get him up for the F-U and scores the winning pin. Man, that was one rushed match. I guess Vince decided this match would only last about as long as it'd take for him to finish masturbating to Brock's team.
 
Winners & Survivors: Chris Benoit & John Cena, who shake hands after that match. They would have hugged, by that's a physical impossibility for Chris.
 
/5
 
-Vince and Shane have a moment backstage. Vince then somehow secretly steals more of Shane's youth, as I get the visual of there being a secret picture of a hundred year old Vince hidden somewhere in Titan Tower ala Dorian Gray. But seriously, something's fishy. Shane seems to age like 5 years every time I see him.  From there, Vince runs into Stone Cold in the hallway, and the two exchange laughs at each other's expense. I suspect Steve was really laughing though because he makes almost two million dollars a year for just driving a fucking dune buggy around. I'd be all smiles too.
 
(C) Molly Holly w/ hymen vs. Lita w/o hymen: Women's Title.
 
Never in the history of wrestling have two different women been more juxtaposed. Molly Holly of course is renowned for being a real-life virgin, while Lita could likely identify the penises of many of the world's most famous luchadors from a police line up. Molly's virginity however makes her beloved with fans around the world, as they too can relate to her vow of celibacy. Unfortunately for them though, Molly is only a virgin by choice. Poor bastards.
 
Anyway, this is Lita's first title shot since returning from a one year injury after breaking her neck on the set of Dark Angel. Funny, the only injury I'd get on the set of Dark Angel is carpel tunnel syndrome from masturbating to Jessica Alba. But god bless Lita. No one can say she just limits her spot blowing to the ring. Anyway, Molly carries Lita's Sabu-esque offense (HOMICIDAL! SUICIDAL! GENOCIDAL! Umm, SPERMICIDAL!) to a decent match here.  Lita dominates much of the offense, hitting a big powerbomb, and a follow-up Russian leg sweep, or leg sweep as it's known in the former Soviet Union, to set up a potential Moonsault, which was of course invented by Buzz Aldrin in 1969, then cut from the moon landing video. True story. However, Molly rolls clear, and hits a huge Molly Go Round for an incredibly close two count. Man, for a proud virgin, I find it ironic that her finish sees her hurl her vagina upside down into your face. If I was able to ever pick my own death, this is how I'd like to go out. Molly, then out of desperation, loosens the 2nd turnbuckle and drop-toe holds Lita face first into the exposed metal for the win.
 
Winner and STILL champion: Molly Holly. The only person involved in wrestling outside of Stacy Keibler to own real breasts. And sadly, this list also includes The Rock. Who knew?
/5
 
-Kane/Shane video package. Botched limo decapitations, battery cables to the nuts, and flaming dumpsters. It's just a shame they couldn't have thrown the collective works of Brian Gerwirtz into that dumpster too while they had the chance.
 
Kane vs. Shane McMahon: Ambulance Match.
 
What is WWE's fucking preoccupation with having matches where you stuff people into things? God forbid someone get fucking pinned in a match. Anyway, this is of course an "Ambulance Match" which is basically just a poor man's casket match. Or maybe a rich man's, because Ambulance's cost more than caskets. I don't know. All I do know is the only way you "win" this match is to put your opponent inside the Ambulance and CLOSE THE DOOR. The Humanity! "I hate you SO Much, I'm going to roll you into a vehicle specifically designed to get you to a hospital as fast as possible, thus stopping any potential long-term injuries! FEEL MY WRATH!"
 
Anyway, the two men go at it right away, and Shane ends up hitting a flying elbow through the Spanish announce table. Poor Hugo and Carlos. They usually get another two hours to prepare themselves before their world explodes all around them. They take the carnage backstage and Shane backs an SUV into Kane sending him cascading through some glass. Considering what Shane's done to Kane in the last month though, this is like the equivalent of a fucking chinlock. The shark wasn't just jumped here, he was harpooned and eaten. Shane then grabs a walkie talkie, and says "send it!" Wait. Where the fuck did he get a walkie talkie from? That shit just materialized out of no where. Man, Shane's like a real life equivalent to Solid Snake, carrying tons of fucking shit on him, but none of it is visible. In the ensuing chaos, there's some audio glitches, and we hear a phantom voice say "I'm at the end of my rope". I can only assume that this is a member of WWE creative about to commit suicide after reading a draft of Stephanie's impending RAW script. Or perhaps, it's God himself, relaying how we all feel about this feud. Anyway, back in the arena, the two brawl in and around the ambulance. Shane botches a tornado DDT on top, and of course tries it AGAIN, and yes, Kane doesn't see it coming. Holy shit, Kane's as bad as one of HBK's opponents who always turn around despite that ominous loud thumping behind them only meaning one fucking thing. Shane then grabs a box of STUFFING, err, LETHAL STUFFING~!, and sets it beside Kane who is in Shane-Terminator position. Shane then climbs to the top of the ambulance and delivers said Terminator, absorbing the blow with the box of padding. You know, for a guy who just a few weeks ago tried to decapitate Kane by remote controlling a limo containing him into the side of a truck, he sure is suddenly looking out for his best interests. "Sure I tried to burn you alive again and then murder you with my car, but damn it, if I don't put this box down first here, SOMEONE MAY GET SERIOUSLY HURT". Yup. Shane then tries to stuff Kane into the ambulance, but Kane reanimates, after obviously not being incapacitated by the brutal pillowy box he was just driven through, and tombstones Shane on the concrete, and then stuffs him into the Ambulance to win the match... and negate those 60 plus consecutive Shane McMahon house show wins over him. THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A MAIN EVENTER~!
 
Winner: Kane. A man who's living proof that if you want to maim your arch rival and rid him from your life for good, it's probably best not to lay a series of pillows down for him to fall on.
 
/5
 
-Backstage, Brock claims that he didn't really lose tonight. Hey, it's the Survivor Series! Losses and undefeated streaks don't count here. History has proven it. Anyway, Goldberg enters and introduces himself to Lesnar, thus negating that theory from Timecop that two entities of identical matter cannot exist in the same space. Fucking Timecop. Next thing you know, they'll tell us using a device to apprehend criminals on the lam through various stages of time isn't possible either.
 
 
-Jonathan Coachman comes out to the ring, cutting a brief promo, informing us that doctors have cleared him... to do...something? Wait, why would you need medical clearance to contribute absolutely nothing to the industry? Man. He then interviews Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban who is sitting at ringside. Cuban states that he can't wait for Austin to beat up Bischoff, which brings out Easy E. himself. Bischoff invites Cuban into the ring as the crowd chants "Cuban" repeatedly, marking the first and only time you'll hear Texans speak of a Cuban with any sort of affection. Cuban shoves Bischoff down but Randy Orton materializes out of thin air for the Sports-center moment and RKO's Cuban. JR then flips out in disgust over this, but I laugh to myself at the prospect of Orton renaming his RKO "The Trade Embargo" for one night just so I could hear JR bellow "Cuban's suffering the effects of a cruel Trade Embargo!" Sadly, this only amuses me, and I get puzzled stares from the other people in the room. Perhaps it's because I don't live here and just broke in and turned on their TV about an hour ago. Maybe.
 
-Backstage, Evolution parties with strippers. LADIES LOVE TRIPLE H. Or at least *someone* on Creative wrote it that way. Man, who'd have a vested interest in suddenly portraying him as an irresistible sex symbol? What a head scratcher.
 
Los Guerreros vs. (C) Homolition: (The Bashams) : WWE TAG TEAM TITLES
 
For the record, The Bashams are still wearing their homoerotic S& M gear here. However, I'm guessing the "S" part is directed at us, the viewing audience who is subjected to their push, while creative itself provides the "M"  by subjecting them to this terrible fucking gimmick. Poor hapless bastards. Even worse though, is the fact that they seem to create a reaction coming out and in the ring, so void of heat, that there has never been a sub-temperature recorded in human history that it could be properly gauged against. The fact that Eddie Guerrero, IN TEXAS, couldn't get the fans to care is a testament to this fact. Dear God. These guys are the wrestling version of the fucking Ice age. Maybe they can form an alliance with the equally heatless A-Train. After all, every Ice-Age needs a Woolly Mammoth.
 
Anyway, since I could care less (I could actually.) I'm going to bottom line this one. Guerrero's look good at first, but eventually The Bashams regain the advantage after a double slingshot on the ropes, ridiculously called by Cole "a classic Basham double team maneuver". Classic? Dear God. I guess by this logic Orlando Jordan is a grizzled veteran, and fucking Jon Heidenreich is a Hall of Famer.  Anyway, eventually, after interfering several times, Shaniqua gets dragged into the ring, and Eddie frog splashes her, so Chavo can give her a spanking. Ha. In real life, diving onto a woman with your body and knocking her out so your buddy can touch her ass gets you jail time. Trust me on that. But don't worries, I am appealing.
 
With that said, Chavo looks to possibly finish a Basham with his tornado ddt (the one with no personality in the black pleather pants. Oh.) but he accidentally kicks Eddie with his foot, and the distraction is enough for Doug to roll him up as he checked on his fallen uncle for the win.
 
Winners and still champions of a world, somewhere out there, who hopefully care about them, because no one here does: The Bashams.
 
/5
 
-Video package for the Austin vs. Bischoff feud. This whole animosity stems from the fact that Eric once fired Austin in WCW because he couldn't find a way to market a guy in "black trunks and black boots". Ya, clearly there was no money to be made in WCW by a bald guy with a goatee that fits that description...
 
Team Austin (HBK, Booker T., RVD, & The Dudleys) vs. Team Bischoff (Y2J, Randy Orton, Christian, Mark Henry & Scott Steiner;)
 
Poor Lance Storm. He was apparently originally supposed to be a part of this match, to further his push, but WWE opted to put HBK in at the last minute. Lance was however compensated by the office by being given a huge penis. Heh. I can just imagine that conversation.  Office: "Lance, we've decided to instead stick you with a huge dick".  Lance: " HHH is making a me a member of Evolution?". Haha, Ok, maybe not. But I like my version of the story better.
 
Anyway, this was easily the best match of the night, made even better once they got the fucking luggage out of the way. And speaking of which, Scott Steiner and his chain-mail hat is the first to go, after The Dudleys gave him a tandem neckbreaker and Booker finished him with the Book-End. And just in time too. His shift guarding the one true cup of Christ was about to begin. That was close. Almost immediately after, The World's Strongest Man (you know once the other 16 dudes who beat him in the Olympics die) Mark Henry pins Booker with the "World's Strongest Slam". But hey, how do you know it's the Strongest in the World unless you take every one? Yup. Soon after, Henry bites the dust (and probably any food he can get his hands on backstage! Did I mention those hands could tear PHONE BOOKS in half?) after The Dudleys gave him a 3D and RVD hit the five star frog-splash. The three then gang pin Henry to send him packing. Henry then goes backstage and crushes some APPLES and bends random metal bars in ANGUISH AND FRUSTRATION, and just because that's what really strong guys do in their spare time according to WWE. Out next is RVD, whose fucking "Educated Feet" get umm, sent home from school early? courtesy of an RKO by Orton. Out next is both Dudleys in succession, as D-Von goes out by Jericho after a twilling flashback (which clearly should have been how Rob went out), and Christian takes Bubba out with an Unprettier. Fortunately, Bubba wasn't that pretty to start with, so it's all good. This just leaves HBK all by his lonesome against Orton, Jericho & Christian.
 
All three men take it to Michaels, who gets busted wide open on the outside by being sling-shotted into the post by Christian. CHRISTIAN ON CHRISTIAN VIOLENCE~! A feud between these two makes so much sense on so many levels. I mean, Armageddon is coming next month, right?  IT'S PERFECT. Hell, they can even bring Rhyno back to RAW and add him to the equation. BEWARE THE MARK OF THE (MAN) BEAST! Christian then rolls HBK back inside, but he manages to get off a sudden superkick on Christian and falls atop of him for the pin! Jericho comes in and beats him down immediately, and after a brief HBK comeback, Jericho misses a lionsault, but ducks a HBK superkick attempt and looks to apply the Walls; however, HBK counters out with an inside cradle that gets the pin! Jericho however, grabs a chair and nails HBK after his elimination.
 
This just leaves Orton vs. HBK. It's Creation vs. Evolution, round two, and considering Orton seems to be disturbingly sprouting wood here, I can only assume he must be representing Homo Erectus. Orton goes for a cover, but HBK kicks out at two. The referee then gets wiped out after Orton and HBK crashed into him after a cross body attempt. HBK then looks to finish Orton with some Sweet Chin Music, but Bischoff runs in and attacks Michaels with some of his patented Kung-Food offense, but Austin returns the favor by stunning Orton. It's anybody's match here, when suddenly Batista runs in, strangely sans pants, and gives HBK a sit-out powerbomb. I could have sworn Batista was wearing clothes at the Evolution party earlier. Funny, when I plan to run in and spontaneously attack a guy, I don't suddenly get the urge to kick my pants off first. Oh, Batista then pulls Orton on top, and he gets the winning pin!
 
Winner & Sole Survivor: Randy Orton; As a result, this "ends" Steve Austin's WWE career. Oh noes! Who'll be put over the talent that actually has to go out and make a living wrestling for the company now? Ah, I kid.
 
/5
 
-After the match, Austin helps up HBK who says he's sorry. Austin then says "What the fuck are you  jabbering on about? I'll be back in three weeks anyway."
 
[Sean's note from 2007: And he was! This time as a "Sheriff". I guess he figured the best way to get out of future Domestic abuse charges was for he himself to become the arresting officer....]
 
Austin then comes back to the ring for his farewell, and tells the crowd that he started his career in Dallas. From there, Coach comes out with "security" and clearly not independent wrestlers. All cops have crew cuts and tribal tattoos after all. Austin then beats the shit out of Coach to the delight of the crowd. I could point out that a white guy with a skinhead was destroying a black man who was begging for mercy as rednecks cheered him on, but even fucking Carrot Top is blacker than Coach, so no harm, no foul.
 
 
Vince McMahon vs. The Undertaker: Buried Alive, which ironically enough is also the working title for Rob Van Dam's autobiography.
 
Cole puts over that this is Undertaker's "match", which is ironic because he's lost almost all of them. Same with Hell in a Cell's and Casket matches.  By this same logic, I guess Cole would be a hit with a ladies, and great at his job. Hilariously, one of Tazz's "Key's to victory" earlier for Vince was: "Avoid the Hole".  Sound advice that someone should have probably given Sylvain Grenier when he first came to the WWE. Could have probably saved him a lot of grief. But seriously, how is that even advice to Vince? That'd be like saying to someone heading into combat: "Avoid being shot", wouldn't it? Jesus.
 
 
Anyway, Undertaker decimates Vince from the opening bell, and busts him wide open, much like HBK was in the previous encounter.  Man, you have to wonder how many innocent lives could have been saved with transfusions from this fucking PPV.  Oh well. All you'd have to do is show them a video of Mark Henry wrestling from earlier, and they'd willingly give their lives. Clearly. From there, Undertaker WORKS VINCE'S LEG. Why? What sense does that make? That'd be like stomping on a guy's toes in a boxing match. In what possible way would this completely incapacitate Vince to be buried alive? Dear lord.
 
 Soon after, Taker gets a shovel and smashes it over Vince's head. Normally, this is enough to umm, kill a normal senior citizen, but not Vince! Being the head of a corporation makes you impervious to harm! Go ahead and try and run Donald Trump over some time. Your car will just explode around him! It's true. Taker then crushes Vince's ankle with the steel steps, and carries him to the gravesite. But before he can roll him into the grave, Vince gets a desperation low-blow and hits Taker in the head with the shovel. Undertaker of course no sells it too, and pulls Vince into the hole (I guess he didn't listen to Tazz's sage advice after all).
 
From there, Undertaker looks to have Vince beat, when he goes toward the back-hoe parked over by the grave, to dump the dirt on Vince to finish... when suddenly a pyro explosion goes off and "blinds" him as Kane climbs out of the loader and peppers Taker with a few punches and rolls him into the grave after pulling Vince out. Vince then drops a huge load of soil onto Taker for the "win". Oh, ok. But just one question: How does being BLIND knock you out cold? Who knew PARALYSIS was a side-effect of lack of vision! It's a miracle people like Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles can even walk! Clearly in their state they should be confined to wheel chairs! Yup.
 
Winner: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The future of the business. He really needed the rub here if he's ever going to go onto accomplish anything in this industry....
 
/5
-HHH vs. Goldberg video package. $100,000 bounty collected by Batista. I guess when the other "bounty hunters" were Rodney fucking Mack and Steven Richards, it wasn't exactly a close race. It's just a shame they aborted what appeared to be a HBK/Goldberg rivalry. I was hoping to see a match between the two, just to see who God roots for. Or maybe I just wanted them to rename No Way Out  "Yahweh Out" for a future match between them. Oh well.
 
HHH w/ Ric Flair vs. (C) Goldberg w/ 4 more months of mediocrity to go: World Heavyweight title 
 
Got to love the fact that there's been no mention of whether or not Undertaker is STILL FUCKING ALIVE.  They just immediately segue to the World Title match.  I'd love to see other forms of entertainment also gloss over really important information for upcoming hyperbole like WWE. "We have just learned that a nuclear strike has taken place on American soil. Millions are possibly dead. Stay tuned for Frasier!"
 
Anyway, Trips is back from his HHHoneymoon, and is totally bloated. In fact, he looks like he may have polished off one of those six-foot wedding cakes all by himself.  Either that, or one of the boys in the back has ribbed him by putting gravy in his water bottle.
 
Goldberg is of course coming into this thing "injured" after Batista collected the bounty and took out his ankle; but hey, if you really wanted to incapacitate Goldberg enough to win back your belt, I'd just encase myself in glass, and when he instinctly punches through it and lacerates himself again, I'd wait until he bled out enough to the point where he passes out completely, and then pin him. Of course that's just me....
 
With that said, Goldberg actually does a decent job of selling the ankle as HHH worked over his leg with a number of leglocks. Strangely, we seem to running a little late, and this one is likely going to get cut down due to time restraints. What can you say, sometimes miracles do happen. Goldberg ends up making a comeback with some clotheslines, but Flair ends up handing Trip's a pair of brass knuckles, which he uses, but this only gets two. Hunter then gets frustrated with Hebner's count and drops his patented "angry ref-hating armpit" onto Baby Earl taking him out of the equation. Flair tries again to get involved but this just lights a fire Menorah under Goldberg, and he gets press slammed by Goldberg for his troubles. HHH of course grabs his trusty sledgehammer from there, but Goldberg gets a hold of it, and takes out the other members of Evolution who try and interfere, before dropping it in lieu of his own hammer... the jackhammer, bitch, which was preceded by a spear to retain the title. Speaking of hammers, I'm surprised WWE hasn't had Goldberg bring a literal jackhammer into this feud to counteract sledgy. It seems like something WWE would do seeing how painfully clichéd they are sometimes. But then again, I forgot, Linda McMahon banned all piledrivers, remember? HIYO.
 
Winner & Still World Heavyweight Champion: Goldberg. I wonder if he'll make it to Chanukah with the belt. I can't imagine that huge belt getting over too well in Synagogue, though. Moses wasn't exactly too forgiving on those Golden idols, remember? WHO'S NEXT!...TO READ FROM THE TORAH!
/5
 
End show.
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: Total one match Pay-per-view here. But everything else was completely inoffensive, and relatively decent. It's just a shame the Ambulance took off with Shane so fast. Once they dig up Undertaker, that'd have probably really came in handy. By the way, speaking of which, IS THE MOTHERFUCKER EVEN ALIVE? No one's said anything yet. When the arena staff cleans up that dirt tomorrow, they're in for one hell of a surprise...
 
Thumbs up.
 
I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).