SURVIVOR SERIES 2003
Hey there party
people, I'm your lovable host of very limited PPV
recappery, Sean Carless, and welcome to the Survivor
Series! The event that caused the complete
unraveling and subsequent destruction of Bret Hart's
life and mental wellbeing! Many of us can no
doubt relate to this phenomenon as it pertains to
WWE pay-per-views. We feel your pain, Bret. Clearly.
Were are LIVE from
Dallas Texas! Yes Texas. And yes, Booker T is
wrestling tonight, so I think it's fair to say he'll
know the exact location of every light in the arena
by evening's end. You know, I don't know why Book
even bothers to show up when booked in the Lone star
state anymore. It never works out for him.
Onto the Show~!
TEAM ANGLE: Kurt Angle,
Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw & Hardcore Holly
vs. TEAM LESNAR: Brock Lesnar, A-Train, Big Show,
Nathan Jones & Matt Morgan
was strange seeing Smackdown's Main Event (barring
the *ahem* WAR that will be Undertaker/ Vince)
curtain-jerking here, but actually this wasn't the
first time the WWE Champion opened up Series. The
other time was in 1990 when Ultimate Warrior
captained his team of Animal, Hawk & Kerry Von Erich
in the evening's opener. And yes, much like life
itself, Hawk & Von Erich didn't survive that night
either. Oh well.
The commentators almost
immediately put over the sheer size of the team
nicknamed "Team Beef", which to me sounds like the
name of an especially disturbing gay porno movie.
Or, it could be a slap in the face to Chris Benoit,
whose home province of Alberta's lucrative cattle
industry is currently being crippled by a mad cow
disease scandal. I wouldn't put it past WWE to
create a subtle insult to our nation through a team
name no one on earth would get or understand. Or
maybe that was just my joke. Whatever.
The match is now
underway, and BIG TIME MAIN EVENTER Hardcore Holly,
gets himself disqualified right out of the hop, for
channeling the same rage and intensity he had when
he bested Mantaur 8 years ago. Which I think is the
last time this motherfucker won a match. Huh. And
all he had to do to get a main event program was be
really unprofessional at his job. Go figure. By this
logic, I should go throw a hot cup of coffee in a
co-worker's face tomorrow. I'll be VP by lunch.
Anyway, with the huge gaping void (not
Lita) left by Bob Holly's absence, and because no
one could find the phone number of other potential
"main eventers" Koko B. Ware, Sonny Trout and Iron
Mike Sharpe to take his place, Kurt Angle's team is
left at a serious disadvantage. However, Bradshaw
remedies this almost immediately, acting as
the proverbial bottle of "Nair" to A-Train, cutting
him down with the "Clothesline from Hell",
and sending him back to the showers, where his
copious amounts of body hair will no doubt soak up
all the water, and cause a drought in Texas. Almost
immediately after though, Bradshaw misses another
clothesline on (Well it's the) Big Show, and gets
eliminated after a choke-slam.
just leaves Benoit, Angle and Cena against Show,
Lesnar, Morgan and ex-con Nathan Jones, whom
I'm somewhat upset never had the opportunity to pair
up with Bradshaw tonight, seeing that both have
likely beared witness to more collective shower-room
rapes than any two on the roster. Oh well. Out next
is Matt Morgan by way of Kurt Angle and his Angle
slam after Nathan Jones accidentally kicked him in
the face. WAIT. NATHAN JONES HIT A KICK? Dear Lord,
that's a first. Turns out though he was probably
aiming for Benoit who was on the apron. But
hey, whatever, you take what you can get. However,
Nathan the Milkman doesn't get much of a chance to
celebrate executing his first ever actual contact in
pro-wrestling, because he taps out to Angle's
Anklelock several seconds later. He then goes back
to the dressing room and resumes his role of
providing internally manufactured creamer straight
from his glands for Vince McMahon's coffee. Got to
love Pro wrestling. The only place on Earth a
man's chest can produce milk, but a Diva's cannot.
Anyway, in just about the same time it took me to
pen that terrifying visual, Kurt Angle is quickly
scooped up from behind and F-5'd by Lesnar to get
eliminated. Holy shit. This fucking match is like
watching the movie Final Destination on fast
down to a standard tag match, as this leaves only
Lesnar & Show against Benoit & Cena. Benoit
eventually, after several attempts, snares Lesnar in
the cross-face for the shocking tap-out. Cena then
gets a blind tag, as Show choke-slammed Benoit, and
crowns Show with his chain and manages to get him up
for the F-U and scores the winning pin. Man, that
was one rushed match. I guess Vince decided this
match would only last about as long as it'd take for
him to finish masturbating to Brock's team.
Survivors: Chris Benoit & John Cena, who shake hands
after that match. They would have hugged, by that's
a physical impossibility for Chris.
-Vince and Shane have a
moment backstage. Vince then somehow secretly steals
more of Shane's youth, as I get the visual of there
being a secret picture of a hundred year old Vince
hidden somewhere in Titan Tower ala Dorian Gray. But seriously,
something's fishy. Shane seems to age like 5 years
every time I see him. From there, Vince runs into Stone
Cold in the hallway, and the two exchange laughs at
each other's expense. I suspect Steve was really
laughing though because he makes almost two million
dollars a year for just driving a fucking dune buggy
around. I'd be all smiles too.
(C) Molly Holly
w/ hymen vs. Lita w/o hymen: Women's Title.
Never in the history of
wrestling have two different women been more
juxtaposed. Molly Holly of course is renowned for
being a real-life virgin, while Lita could likely
identify the penises of many of the world's most
famous luchadors from a police line up. Molly's
virginity however makes her beloved with fans around
the world, as they too can relate to her vow of
celibacy. Unfortunately for them though, Molly is
only a virgin by choice. Poor bastards.
Anyway, this is Lita's first title shot since
returning from a one year injury after breaking her
neck on the set of Dark Angel. Funny, the only
injury I'd get on the set of Dark Angel is carpel
tunnel syndrome from masturbating to Jessica Alba.
But god bless Lita. No one can say she just limits
her spot blowing to the ring. Anyway,
Molly carries Lita's Sabu-esque offense (HOMICIDAL!
SUICIDAL! GENOCIDAL! Umm, SPERMICIDAL!) to a decent
match here. Lita dominates much of the
offense, hitting a big powerbomb, and a
follow-up Russian leg sweep, or leg sweep as it's
known in the former Soviet Union, to set up a
potential Moonsault, which was of course invented by
Buzz Aldrin in 1969, then cut from the moon landing
video. True story. However, Molly rolls clear, and
hits a huge Molly Go Round for an incredibly close
two count. Man, for a proud virgin, I find it ironic
that her finish sees her hurl her vagina upside down
into your face. If I was able to ever pick my own
death, this is how I'd like to go out.
Molly, then out of desperation, loosens the 2nd
turnbuckle and drop-toe holds Lita face first into
the exposed metal for the win.
Winner and STILL
champion: Molly Holly. The only person involved in
wrestling outside of Stacy Keibler to own real
breasts. And sadly, this list also includes The
Rock. Who knew?
package. Botched limo decapitations, battery
cables to the nuts, and flaming dumpsters. It's just
a shame they couldn't have thrown the collective
works of Brian Gerwirtz into that dumpster too while
they had the chance.
Kane vs. Shane McMahon: Ambulance Match.
What is WWE's fucking preoccupation with
having matches where you stuff people into things?
God forbid someone get fucking pinned in a match.
Anyway, this is of course an "Ambulance Match" which
is basically just a poor man's casket match. Or
maybe a rich man's, because Ambulance's cost more
than caskets. I don't know. All I do know is the
only way you "win" this match is to put your
opponent inside the Ambulance and CLOSE THE DOOR.
"I hate you SO Much, I'm
going to roll you into a vehicle specifically
designed to get you to a hospital as fast as
possible, thus stopping any potential long-term
injuries! FEEL MY WRATH!"
Anyway, the two men go at it right away, and
Shane ends up hitting a flying elbow through the
Spanish announce table. Poor Hugo and Carlos. They
usually get another two hours to prepare themselves
before their world explodes all around them.
They take the carnage backstage and Shane backs an
SUV into Kane sending him cascading through some
glass. Considering what Shane's done to Kane in the
last month though, this is like the equivalent of a
fucking chinlock. The shark wasn't just jumped here,
he was harpooned and eaten. Shane then grabs a
walkie talkie, and says "send it!" Wait. Where the
fuck did he get a walkie talkie from? That shit just
materialized out of no where. Man, Shane's like a
real life equivalent to Solid Snake, carrying tons
of fucking shit on him, but none of it is visible.
In the ensuing chaos, there's some audio glitches,
and we hear a phantom voice say "I'm at the end of
my rope". I can only assume that this is a member of
WWE creative about to commit suicide after reading a
draft of Stephanie's impending RAW script. Or
perhaps, it's God himself, relaying how we all feel
about this feud. Anyway, back in the arena, the two
brawl in and around the ambulance. Shane botches a
tornado DDT on top, and of course tries it AGAIN,
and yes, Kane doesn't see it coming. Holy shit,
Kane's as bad as one of HBK's opponents who always
turn around despite that ominous loud thumping
behind them only meaning one fucking thing. Shane
then grabs a box of STUFFING, err, LETHAL
STUFFING~!, and sets it beside Kane who is in
Shane-Terminator position. Shane then climbs to the
top of the ambulance and delivers said Terminator,
absorbing the blow with the box of padding. You
know, for a guy who just a few weeks ago tried to
decapitate Kane by remote controlling a limo
containing him into the side of a truck, he sure is
suddenly looking out for his best interests.
"Sure I tried to burn you alive again and then
murder you with my car, but damn it, if I don't put
this box down first here, SOMEONE MAY GET SERIOUSLY
HURT". Yup. Shane then tries to stuff Kane into
the ambulance, but Kane reanimates, after obviously
not being incapacitated by the brutal pillowy box he
was just driven through, and tombstones Shane on the
concrete, and then stuffs him into the Ambulance to
win the match... and
negate those 60 plus consecutive Shane
McMahon house show wins over him. THAT'S HOW YOU
MAKE A MAIN EVENTER~!
Winner: Kane. A man
who's living proof that if you want to maim your
arch rival and rid him from your life for good, it's
probably best not to lay a series of pillows down
for him to fall on.
claims that he didn't really lose tonight. Hey, it's
the Survivor Series! Losses and undefeated streaks
don't count here. History has proven it. Anyway,
Goldberg enters and introduces himself to Lesnar,
thus negating that theory from Timecop
that two entities of identical matter cannot
exist in the same space. Fucking Timecop. Next thing
you know, they'll tell us using a device
to apprehend criminals on the lam through various
stages of time isn't possible either.
-Jonathan Coachman comes out to the
ring, cutting a brief promo, informing us that
doctors have cleared him... to do...something?
Wait, why would you need medical clearance to
contribute absolutely nothing to the industry? Man.
He then interviews
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban who
is sitting at ringside. Cuban states that he can't
wait for Austin to beat up Bischoff, which brings
out Easy E. himself. Bischoff invites Cuban into the
ring as the crowd chants "Cuban" repeatedly, marking
the first and only time you'll hear Texans speak
of a Cuban with any sort of affection. Cuban shoves
Bischoff down but Randy Orton materializes out of
thin air for the Sports-center moment and RKO's
Cuban. JR then flips out in disgust over this, but I
laugh to myself at the prospect of Orton renaming
his RKO "The Trade Embargo" for one night just so I
could hear JR bellow "Cuban's
suffering the effects of a cruel Trade Embargo!"
Sadly, this only amuses me, and I get puzzled stares
from the other people in the room. Perhaps it's
because I don't live here and just broke in and
turned on their TV about an hour ago. Maybe.
parties with strippers. LADIES LOVE TRIPLE H. Or at
least *someone* on Creative wrote it that way. Man,
who'd have a vested interest in suddenly portraying
him as an irresistible sex symbol? What a head
Los Guerreros vs. (C)
Homolition: (The Bashams) : WWE TAG TEAM TITLES
For the record, The
Bashams are still wearing their homoerotic S& M gear
here. However, I'm guessing the "S" part is directed
at us, the viewing audience who is subjected to
their push, while creative itself provides the "M"
by subjecting them to this terrible fucking gimmick.
Poor hapless bastards. Even worse though, is the
fact that they seem to create a reaction coming out
and in the ring, so void of heat, that there has
never been a sub-temperature recorded in human
history that it could be properly gauged against.
The fact that Eddie Guerrero, IN TEXAS, couldn't get
the fans to care is a testament to this fact. Dear
God. These guys are the wrestling version of the
fucking Ice age. Maybe they can form an alliance
with the equally heatless A-Train. After all, every
Ice-Age needs a Woolly Mammoth.
Anyway, since I could
care less (I could actually.) I'm going to bottom
line this one. Guerrero's look good at first, but
eventually The Bashams regain the advantage after a
double slingshot on the ropes, ridiculously called
by Cole "a classic Basham double team maneuver".
Classic? Dear God. I guess by this logic Orlando
Jordan is a grizzled veteran, and fucking
Jon Heidenreich is a Hall of Famer. Anyway,
eventually, after interfering several times,
Shaniqua gets dragged into the ring, and Eddie frog
splashes her, so Chavo can give her a spanking. Ha.
In real life, diving onto a woman with your body and
knocking her out so your buddy can touch her ass
gets you jail time. Trust me on that. But don't
worries, I am appealing.
With that said, Chavo
looks to possibly finish a Basham with his tornado
ddt (the one with no personality in the black
pleather pants. Oh.) but he accidentally kicks Eddie
with his foot, and the distraction is enough for
Doug to roll him up as he checked on his fallen
uncle for the win.
Winners and still
champions of a world, somewhere out there, who
hopefully care about them, because no one here does:
-Video package for the
Austin vs. Bischoff feud. This whole animosity stems
from the fact that Eric once fired Austin in WCW
because he couldn't find a way to market a guy in
"black trunks and black boots". Ya, clearly there
was no money to be made in WCW by a bald guy with a
goatee that fits that description...
Team Austin (HBK, Booker T., RVD, & The Dudleys)
vs. Team Bischoff (Y2J, Randy Orton, Christian, Mark
Henry & Scott Steiner;)
Storm. He was apparently originally supposed to be a
part of this match, to further his push, but WWE
opted to put HBK in at the last minute. Lance was
however compensated by the office by being given a
huge penis. Heh. I can just imagine that
conversation. Office: "Lance, we've decided to
instead stick you with a huge dick". Lance:
" HHH is making a me a member of Evolution?".
Haha, Ok, maybe not. But I like my version of the
Anyway, this was easily
the best match of the night, made even better once
they got the fucking luggage out of the way. And
speaking of which, Scott Steiner and his chain-mail
hat is the first to go, after The Dudleys gave him a
tandem neckbreaker and Booker finished him with the
Book-End. And just in time too. His shift guarding
the one true cup of Christ was about to begin. That
was close. Almost immediately after, The World's
Strongest Man (you know once the other 16 dudes who
beat him in the Olympics die) Mark Henry pins
Booker with the "World's Strongest Slam". But hey,
how do you know it's the Strongest in the World
unless you take every one? Yup. Soon after, Henry
bites the dust (and probably any food he can get his
hands on backstage! Did I mention those hands could
tear PHONE BOOKS in half?) after The Dudleys gave
him a 3D and RVD hit the five star frog-splash. The
three then gang pin Henry to send him packing. Henry
then goes backstage and crushes some APPLES and
bends random metal bars in ANGUISH AND FRUSTRATION,
and just because that's what really strong guys do
in their spare time according to WWE. Out next is
RVD, whose fucking "Educated Feet" get umm, sent
home from school early? courtesy of an RKO by Orton.
Out next is both Dudleys in succession, as D-Von
goes out by Jericho after a twilling flashback
(which clearly should have been how Rob went out),
and Christian takes Bubba out with an Unprettier.
Fortunately, Bubba wasn't that pretty to start with,
so it's all good. This just leaves HBK all by his
lonesome against Orton, Jericho & Christian.
All three men take it to Michaels, who gets
busted wide open on the outside by being
sling-shotted into the post by Christian. CHRISTIAN
ON CHRISTIAN VIOLENCE~! A feud between these two
makes so much sense on so many levels. I mean,
Armageddon is coming next month, right? IT'S
PERFECT. Hell, they can even bring Rhyno back to RAW
and add him to the equation. BEWARE THE MARK OF THE
(MAN) BEAST! Christian then rolls HBK back inside,
but he manages to get off a sudden superkick on
Christian and falls atop of him for the pin! Jericho
comes in and beats him down immediately, and after a
brief HBK comeback, Jericho misses a lionsault, but
ducks a HBK superkick attempt and looks to apply the
Walls; however, HBK counters out with an inside
cradle that gets the pin! Jericho however, grabs a
chair and nails HBK after his elimination.
This just leaves Orton
vs. HBK. It's Creation vs. Evolution, round two, and
considering Orton seems to be disturbingly sprouting
wood here, I can only assume he must be
representing Homo Erectus. Orton goes for a cover,
but HBK kicks out at two. The referee then gets
wiped out after Orton and HBK crashed into him after
a cross body attempt. HBK then looks to finish Orton
with some Sweet Chin Music, but Bischoff runs in and
attacks Michaels with some of his patented Kung-Food
offense, but Austin returns the favor by stunning
Orton. It's anybody's match here, when
suddenly Batista runs in, strangely sans pants, and
gives HBK a sit-out powerbomb. I could have sworn
Batista was wearing clothes at the Evolution party
earlier. Funny, when I plan to run in and
spontaneously attack a guy, I don't suddenly get the
urge to kick my pants off first. Oh, Batista then
pulls Orton on top, and he gets the winning pin!
Winner & Sole
Survivor: Randy Orton; As a result, this "ends"
Steve Austin's WWE career. Oh noes! Who'll be put
over the talent that actually has to go out and make
a living wrestling for the company now? Ah, I kid.
match, Austin helps up HBK who says he's sorry.
Austin then says "What the fuck are you
jabbering on about? I'll be back in three weeks
[Sean's note from 2007:
And he was! This time as a "Sheriff". I guess he
figured the best way to get out of future Domestic
abuse charges was for he himself to become the
then comes back to the ring for his farewell, and
tells the crowd that he started his career in
Dallas. From there, Coach comes out with "security"
and clearly not independent wrestlers. All cops have
crew cuts and tribal tattoos after all. Austin then
beats the shit out of Coach to the delight of the
crowd. I could point out that a white guy with
a skinhead was destroying a black man who was
begging for mercy as rednecks cheered him on, but
even fucking Carrot Top is blacker than Coach, so no
harm, no foul.
Vince McMahon vs. The Undertaker:
Buried Alive, which ironically enough is also the
working title for Rob Van Dam's autobiography.
Cole puts over that this is Undertaker's
"match", which is ironic because he's lost almost
all of them. Same with Hell in a Cell's and Casket
matches. By this same logic, I guess Cole
would be a hit with a ladies, and great at his
job. Hilariously, one of Tazz's
"Key's to victory" earlier for Vince was: "Avoid the
Hole". Sound advice that
someone should have probably given Sylvain
Grenier when he first came to the WWE. Could have
probably saved him a lot of grief. But seriously,
how is that even advice to Vince? That'd be like
saying to someone heading into combat: "Avoid being
shot", wouldn't it? Jesus.
Anyway, Undertaker decimates Vince from the
opening bell, and busts him wide open, much like HBK
was in the previous encounter. Man,
you have to wonder how many innocent lives could
have been saved with transfusions from this
fucking PPV. Oh well. All you'd have to do is
show them a video of Mark Henry wrestling from
earlier, and they'd willingly give their lives.
Clearly. From there, Undertaker WORKS VINCE'S LEG.
Why? What sense does that make? That'd be like
stomping on a guy's toes in a boxing match. In what
possible way would this
completely incapacitate Vince to be buried alive?
Soon after, Taker gets a shovel and smashes it
over Vince's head. Normally, this is enough to umm,
kill a normal senior citizen, but not Vince! Being
the head of a corporation makes you impervious to
harm! Go ahead and try and run Donald Trump over
some time. Your car will just explode around him!
It's true. Taker then crushes Vince's ankle with the
steel steps, and carries him to the gravesite. But
before he can roll him into the grave,
Vince gets a desperation low-blow and hits Taker in
the head with the shovel. Undertaker of course no
sells it too, and pulls Vince into the hole (I guess
he didn't listen to Tazz's sage advice after all).
Undertaker looks to have Vince beat, when he goes
toward the back-hoe parked over by the grave,
to dump the dirt on Vince to finish... when
suddenly a pyro explosion goes off and "blinds" him
as Kane climbs out of the loader and peppers Taker
with a few punches and rolls him into the grave
after pulling Vince out. Vince then drops a huge
load of soil onto Taker for the "win". Oh, ok.
But just one question: How does being BLIND knock
you out cold? Who knew PARALYSIS was a side-effect
of lack of vision! It's a miracle people like Stevie
Wonder and Ray Charles can even walk! Clearly in
their state they should be confined to wheel chairs!
Kennedy McMahon. The future of the business. He
really needed the rub here if he's ever going to go
onto accomplish anything in this industry....
Goldberg video package. $100,000 bounty collected by
Batista. I guess when the other "bounty hunters"
were Rodney fucking Mack and Steven Richards, it
wasn't exactly a close race. It's just a shame they
aborted what appeared to be a HBK/Goldberg rivalry.
I was hoping to see a match between the two, just to
see who God roots for. Or maybe I just wanted them
to rename No Way Out "Yahweh Out" for a
future match between them. Oh well.
HHH w/ Ric Flair vs. (C) Goldberg w/ 4 more
months of mediocrity to go: World Heavyweight title
Got to love the fact that there's been no mention of
whether or not Undertaker is STILL FUCKING ALIVE.
They just immediately segue to the World Title
match. I'd love to see other forms of
entertainment also gloss over really important
information for upcoming hyperbole like WWE.
"We have just learned that a nuclear strike has
taken place on American soil. Millions are possibly
dead. Stay tuned for Frasier!"
Anyway, Trips is back
from his HHHoneymoon, and is totally bloated. In
fact, he looks like he may have polished off one
of those six-foot wedding cakes all by himself.
Either that, or one of the boys in the back has
ribbed him by putting gravy in his water bottle.
Goldberg is of course
coming into this thing "injured" after Batista
collected the bounty and took out his ankle; but
hey, if you
really wanted to incapacitate Goldberg enough
to win back your belt, I'd just encase myself in
glass, and when he instinctly punches through it and
lacerates himself again, I'd wait until he bled out
enough to the point where he passes out
completely, and then
pin him. Of course that's just me....
With that said, Goldberg actually does a decent
job of selling the ankle as HHH worked over his leg
with a number of leglocks. Strangely, we seem to
running a little late, and this one is likely going
to get cut down due to time restraints. What can you
say, sometimes miracles do happen. Goldberg ends up
making a comeback with some clotheslines, but Flair
ends up handing Trip's a pair of brass knuckles,
which he uses, but this only gets two.
Hunter then gets frustrated with Hebner's count
and drops his patented "angry ref-hating armpit"
onto Baby Earl taking him out of the equation. Flair
tries again to get involved but this just lights a
fire Menorah under Goldberg, and
he gets press slammed by Goldberg for his troubles.
HHH of course grabs his trusty
sledgehammer from there, but Goldberg gets a hold of
it, and takes out the other members of Evolution who
try and interfere, before dropping it in lieu of his
own hammer... the jackhammer, bitch, which was
preceded by a spear to retain the title. Speaking of
hammers, I'm surprised WWE hasn't had Goldberg bring
a literal jackhammer into this feud to counteract
sledgy. It seems like something WWE would do
seeing how painfully clichéd they are sometimes. But
then again, I forgot, Linda McMahon banned
all piledrivers, remember? HIYO.
Winner & Still World
Heavyweight Champion: Goldberg. I wonder if he'll
make it to Chanukah with the belt. I can't imagine
that huge belt getting over too well in Synagogue,
though. Moses wasn't exactly too forgiving on
those Golden idols, remember? WHO'S NEXT!...TO READ
FROM THE TORAH!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Total one match
Pay-per-view here. But everything else was
completely inoffensive, and relatively decent. It's
just a shame the Ambulance took off with Shane so
fast. Once they dig up Undertaker, that'd have
probably really came in handy. By the way, speaking
of which, IS THE MOTHERFUCKER EVEN ALIVE? No one's
said anything yet. When the arena staff cleans up
that dirt tomorrow, they're in for one hell of a