Yes sir,
according to Yahoo.com, your number one source for
"hard hitting journalism" like conspiracy theories
involving Lindsay Lohan possibly hacking into Paris
Hilton's fucking blackberry, comes the *OFFICIAL*
UNVEILING OF ONE "SURI XENU DAWSON L. RON 2.0
CRUISE". Turns out, Suri is an actual
ENTITY, and the photographers at Vanity Fair (last
seen painting a complicated naked tuxedo on Demi
Moore) caught up with the new parents and Suri,
fresh from her recent multiple-month human
emotion deprogramming at one of Scientology's many
Thetan-ridding hyperbaric chambers across the
country (being purified of your tormented volcano
ghosts is all the *new* rage!) and snapped the first
collective photos of the happy family!:
But not so
fast, mister! Through my super-secret sources, that
for the sake of their identity we'll just call "John
Travolta", I've learned that in fact, the very
pictures of young Suri now online have been DOCTORED
by a crack team of graphic artists to hide that
TRUTH. And not just that Tom has never made love
to Katie without first going to the kitchen and hand
washing a turkey baster for which he loads his
Thetan-free love seed, and then deposits into one
Katie Holmes in a manner that would not impress Pacy
nor Dawson, let alone anyone from the beloved Creek.
HOWEVER~! Fear not, for I have ACQUIRED three
incriminating photos, believed to be the ACTUAL
unedited shots of young Suri, moments before she was
sucked into a glowing green light and elevated from
the studio in a weightless beam of anti-gravity. It
is up to YOU to decide which of the three are the
REAL DEAL:
Uh-oh! Better cancel that Honeymoon to Hawaii!
With all those volcanoes around there, who knows
where Tom & Katie might end up thanks to
this kid! I mean, it's happened
before! You
know, Thousands of years ago thanks to those pesky
HYDROGEN bombs created by a race of aliens who could
create ships capable of traveling the far reaches of
space at light speed, but apparently not bend the
Atom! Who knew?!
Holy shit~! Tom might as well change his
name to Ricky Ricardo, because Katie's got some
Splainin' to do! Although, this does explain why
Isaac Hayes became a Scientologist! Shut your mouth!
I'm only talking about Shaft
Xenu!
Hey! I bet Tom's kicking himself for
letting Katie spend so much time with the Travoltas
now! Although, at least this kid has a seriously
good chance of cutting a mean rug one day! (no truth
to the rumor that when the photographer said
'say cheese', Suri laughed, and responded "Royale
with cheese").
Ok, that's all I have for you. But the truth is out
there. Somewhere. I'm sure. Maybe. I don't know.
I'm Sean.
3 Times winner of the prestigious handsome contest
and professional upstanding Truth Teller (Liars sit
in chairs).
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling,
411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS
