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Sean Carless
Yes sir, according to Yahoo.com, your number one source for "hard hitting journalism" like conspiracy theories involving Lindsay Lohan possibly hacking into Paris Hilton's fucking blackberry, comes the *OFFICIAL* UNVEILING OF ONE "SURI XENU DAWSON L. RON 2.0 CRUISE". Turns out, Suri is an actual  ENTITY, and the photographers at Vanity Fair (last seen painting a complicated naked tuxedo on Demi Moore) caught up with the new parents and Suri, fresh from her recent multiple-month human emotion deprogramming at one of Scientology's many Thetan-ridding hyperbaric chambers across the country (being purified of your tormented volcano ghosts is all the *new* rage!) and snapped the first collective photos of the happy family!:
But not so fast, mister! Through my super-secret sources, that for the sake of their identity we'll just call "John Travolta", I've learned that in fact, the very pictures of young Suri now online have been DOCTORED by a crack team of graphic artists to hide that TRUTH. And not just that Tom has never made love to Katie without first going to the kitchen and hand washing a turkey baster for which he loads his Thetan-free love seed, and then deposits into one Katie Holmes in a manner that would not impress Pacy nor Dawson, let alone anyone from the beloved Creek.  HOWEVER~! Fear not, for I have ACQUIRED three incriminating photos, believed to be the ACTUAL unedited shots of young Suri, moments before she was sucked into a glowing green light and elevated from the studio in a weightless beam of anti-gravity. It is up to YOU to decide which of the three are the REAL DEAL:
Uh-oh! Better cancel that Honeymoon to Hawaii! With all those volcanoes around there, who knows where Tom & Katie might end up thanks to this kid! I mean, it's happened before! You know, Thousands of years ago thanks to those pesky HYDROGEN bombs created by a race of aliens who could create ships capable of traveling the far reaches of space at light speed, but apparently not bend the Atom! Who knew?!
Holy shit~! Tom might as well change his name to Ricky Ricardo, because Katie's got some Splainin' to do! Although, this does explain why Isaac Hayes became a Scientologist! Shut your mouth! I'm only talking about Shaft  Xenu!
Hey! I bet Tom's kicking himself for letting Katie spend so much time with the Travoltas now! Although, at least this kid has a seriously good chance of cutting a mean rug one day! (no truth to the rumor that when the photographer said 'say cheese', Suri laughed, and responded "Royale with cheese").
Ok, that's all I have for you. But the truth is out there. Somewhere. I'm sure. Maybe. I don't know.
I'm Sean.
3 Times winner of the prestigious handsome contest and professional upstanding Truth Teller (Liars sit in chairs).

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).