Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
 
SURFS UP, PANTS DOWN.
DEAR LORD, IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?...
(01/26/07)
 
You know, when you spend most of your time in the cold unforgiving reaches of space, I'd think the last thing you'd want to be doing in the sub-temperatures of the great beyond is freeball it. I mean, you think you had some explaining to do the first time your woman saw your unit after getting out of a cold pool....
 
But leave it to Silver Surfer to shatter that theory. According to an exposť on Ain't It Cool News, someone, with too much time on their hands obviously, and god knows what else, did a little frame by frame breakdown of the new Fantastic Four sequel Trailer, and was horrified to discover that Surfer (who plays their adversary in the film) appears to be buck ass bare-balls whilst careening through a Freeway Tunnel on his intergalactic surfboard. Now, normally when you insist on exposing your testicles while surfing, you have an angry coastguard pull you from the Ocean and press formal charges (I'm running out of beaches!), but I guess when you're granted unparalleled cosmic powers and do all your "surfing" in the fucking cosmos, who's gonna stop you if you suddenly feel the urge to kick off your otherworldly jockey shorts and go au natural? That's right.
 
Quite frankly, I'm surprised more super heroes haven't taken up Surfer's free-spirited lifestyle and discarded their indestructible spandex unitards for the unfettered freedom that can only come from fighting crime and saving the world with your omnipresent scrotum visible. After all, if I was a super villain, I don't think I'd want to tangle with say Superman, and his super junk. It's clearly a great crime-fighting edge. I mean, if Superman can melt shit with his eyes, and freeze lakes with his breath, just imagine the damage that his dick could do. That my friends, is a chance I would not be willing to take. Only unlike Supes, whom you could at least force a pair of Kryptonite jockeys on, I don't know if Surfer and his glistening metallic nutsack can be stopped. But hey, to each their own. Maybe Surfer's transdimensional commando routine has less to do with an ‹ber swanky liberal lifestyle, and more to do with basic aerodynamics. After all, I imagine a pair of Bermuda shorts might cause some resistance issues whilst you carefully maneuver through an Asteroid belt. Clearly, I've thought too much about this. I think I'll stop now.
 
I'm Sean.
 
This just in! After viewing Silver Surfer's translucent pewter applebag, Britney Spears has vowed to never leave home without her underwear again. Does Surfer's heroics truly never end?

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).