WWE
SUMMER SLAM
2009 RANT
BY ANTHONY DEAN
Welcome to
SummerSlam 2009, or as oblivious celebrity guest
hosts and uncreative internet smarks know it,
Summerfest, or as more than a few TWF fans know it,
the one-year anniversary of my last good column!
Just kidding, I never wrote a good column. AND I
NEVER WILL. Sean says he's enjoying deleting your
whiny emails, by the way.
We start off with Triple H and Shawn Michaels watching the Summerslam card rundown and making admittedly awesome shadow puppets. The Abe Lincoln one was downright incredible. They then mock Legacy in hiiiiLARIOUS fashion before doing a skit where they broke the machine showing us the Summerslam promo. DX video package follows before Hunter and Michaels give us a weee're baaaack and the voiceover guy welcomes us to SummerSlam. BROUGHT TO YOU BY SEVEN-ELEVEN. Maybe it's just because where I live people own th eir houses and stamps are only used for mailing but I didn't know 7-11 was even still around. Leave it to WWE to, um, not appeal to anybody? Anyway jerking the curtain tonight is a bout for that old rustplate the Intercontinental Championship.
Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler
Rey is out in an abrasive purple and gold ensemble. As this gem on Xzibit's twitter so eloquently puts it, "purple and gold more like whack and old, ha ha." DRIVE WHILE YOU DRIVE, HYUCK HYUCK. Hey, I really want to like Dolph Ziggler but I mean, I'm from Tennessee, and a bleach blond mullet just hits a little too close to home for me. I can't cheer for the guy whose dogs are always giving birth and dying under my house. Nevertheless, Ziggler starts off dominating with power moves but a backbody drop attempt sees Rey land on his feet on top of a turnbuckle and he comes off with a beautiful moonsault to bring Dolph down for two. He soon exits the ring but Rey comes flying off the apron with a hurricarana that sends Dolph into the cameraman. I mean it was like a shitty horror movie, Diary of the Dead Blair Witch of Cloverfield level of ridiculousness, it shakily fell and went sideways and everything. Back inside Dolph soon takes over with a chinlock, and a Rey power-out attempt is prevented by a sideslam and the fact that he's Rey Mysterio. A standing elbow drop from Ziggler is accompanied by unnecessary animal wailing as JR laments Ziggler's "obnoxiousism."
Rey droptoeholds Dolph into a turnbuckle but Ziggler catches a charging Rey with a fierce clothesline for two. FIERCE, BRAH. Gutbuster scores two more. During a bodyscissors from Dolph, Cole informs us that Rey tattooed a fan letter on the side of his body and let me go ahead and repeat that, a WRESTLING FAN sent Rey Mysterio a letter, and so he had it PERMANENTLY TATTOOOED ONTO HIS BODY. Beautiful shit, or maybe just really, really egotistical. Whichever. They go back and forth with Mysterio picking up nea rfalls like they were . Over half of Rey's moves are just elaborate pinning attempts. Dolph gets two falls for every one of Rey's, however, looking for a pinfall after just about every shit move he does. I swear to God this match is like all nearfalls it's not even, wait here we go, no, no Rey just spent about literally fifteen seconds climbing all over Ziggler's body, only to, you guessed it, ROLL HIM UP FOR A PIN ATTEMPT. Rey eventually hits the 619 but Ziggler counters the springboard splash with, yeah, a rollup. This surprisingly only gets two, and the finish sees Dolph looking for his elevated gutbuster from the top, but Rey countered with a hurricarana that sent Dolph to the mat and finally picked up the three.
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion : Rey Mysterio
Pretty okay match. Finish was kind of weak and Ziggler didn't look as impressive as he did in their first match, but I suppose they figured he got enough offense when he controlled Rey with his power moves. JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER REY MYSTERIO OPPONENT EVER. I was really expecting him to win it here, but next month is good too, I guess.
In the back, Swagger talks himself up to Josh Matthews as MVP smirks on before Jack hilariously just comes out of nowhere busting on P, bringing up the fact that he's an ex-con for like no reason whatsoever. P takes over on "angry black man" mode, saying he wished he had the rich grandparents and the dad to play catch with growing up, but he di'int, and so he made mistakes. He goes on to say that when Swagger won an NCAA match his prize was a trophy, but when P won a prison fight, his prize was, and I swear to God he said this, "The right to live another day!" He continues being ridiclous and says Swagger is about to be taken to school, but it ain't gonna be a teacher that teaches him...it's gonna be an MVP~!
"BONUS" MATCH! Swagger is out first wearing a big toothy grin and making ape-like gestures. I fucking love Jack Swagger, fuck you. He shouts inaudibly at fans until MVP enters, also making ape-like gestures, or miming shooting a basketball. Whichever. Cole talks up MVP as being one of the "good ones" by saying, yeah he's been in jail for ten years, but now he works with youth groups in Miami and reads, even!
Jack Swagger vs MVP
MVP outwrestles Swagger early on so he takes a breather on the outside, only for MVP to leap out onto him and bring him back into the ring. Tornado DDT attempt is reversed by Swagger. He slams P into the corner before Irish whipping him front-first and clotheslining his back. P with a back elbow on the third one of these but Swagger craftily catches him up in an abdominal stretch, following up with a camel clutch soon after. Jack has some gums, man, it's like they're taking over his teeth. Electric chair dr op ends the clutch and P lands a series of punches that finally puts Jack down. He is up soon after but another knockout blow lays him out for the Ballin' elbow drop. Playmaker is countered and Swaggerton goes for the turnbuckle-assisted splash but P gets the knees up and hits the drive-by. You know, if you're trying to convince people your gangbanging life is behind you, maybe you shouldn't call one of your signature moves the drive by. I don't know if he's trying to "take back" the term or make it positiv e or what but people may associate him with its pre-existing negative connotation is all I'm trying to say. Anyway, MVP drops him with the Playmaker for the win.
Winner but STILL ineligible to vote : MVP
OH MY GOD LUKE PERRY IS IN ATTENDANCE! LUKE PERRY IS HERE!
Recap of Raw's string of shitty guest hosts and Orton going COMPLETELY MAD. I have never seen a wrestler strike an official who made a decision that was not to said wrestler's liking. Not ever. Up next we get Nancy O'Donnell or some, host of Access Hollywood, also known as the show that you sometimes catch the end of right before the Simpsons come on. I think that's what it is anyway, I don't even know and I watch tv constantly, that's how far off the radar these people are. Jesus tits she has a grating voi ce I cannot believe a primary function of her occupation is talking. She's in the ring with Freddy Prinze Jr, big big Scooby Doo star and former Raw GM and creative writer who says he'll be back to take Orton out when he least expects it. I guess that's good news, because Orton would most expect it on a Monday night, so it won't be then, so that means I won't have to fucking watch it.
Weeeeeeeell BREAKDAWALLSDOWWWWWN. Jericho's portion of this really terrible theme is different as it's more screamo than before, and they cut out most of Big Show's theme alltogether. I don't know, it's an improvement. Jericho calls celebrities hypocrites, just like every one of us, without giving any sort of reason or, anything as to why. He's like a dumbed-down Raven at this point. I like how Jericho always says "I am the best in the world at what I do...and also this man is big." Jericho talks forever be fore passing the mic over to Show who says he wants to get something off his chest. Probably about seventy-eighty pounds of something. I guess he's tired of not seeing his dick. We'll never know what that something was, though, as Cryme Tyme enters to interrupt him. I have a good laugh here as I'm reminded of just how true the wrestling fan stereotype is because as soon as their music hit the chat filled up with phrases like "Crime Time are dumb ******s" on the stream I'm watching. THAT'S RIGHT, STREAM. DO SOMETHING VINCE. DO SOMETHING. I don't give a shit for I am a beast and on the internet.
Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Cryme Tyme
JTG and Jericho go back and forth early with JTG getting the best of Jericho in several exchanges before Jericho takes over on stomping heel duty, missing a Walls attempt but tagging in Big Show. "JTG is trying to turn Hollywood into Holly-HOOD." No, he isn't. We are then told that Big Show's fingers are just a little smaller than coke cans. No, they aren't. Big Show bores the fuck out of everybody on Earth with a side headlock and slaps in the corner. JTG blocks a corner charge before executing a cool-ass ninja roll across the ring to tag in his partner who just dominates Big Show and pancake presses an interfering Jericho. And now, get this, Big Show hitting somebody is akin to an 18-wheeler roaring down the highway, and hitting somebody. I mean come on, okay, he's a big guy, we can see that without all of the impossible lies. Jericho back in to fare well against Shad, elbowing JTG off the apron to allow Show to get in some cheap shots on JTG as the ref voiced his concern. THE GIANT tagged in now for a... f ull nelson. What the. I would love Big Show if he got in there and was just all fast-paced charging at the guy and throwing him and, like Festus used to be pretty much, like a rabid big-ass Bruiser Brody, not this series of restholds shit.
Tag back to Jericho to a huge Y2J chant, because this is the west coast, ******s. We here at TWF are sensitive to race and like to maintain a pleasant and equal opportunity atmosphere. Anyway Shad runs away from Jericho as if he were fatherly responsibilities and JTG is a government subsidized house on fire from here, getting in shots on e'rbody. He pins Jericho until Big Show decides to stop being useless and breaks it up. Show gets clotheslined out by Shad and JTG rolls up Jericho for a very nearfall. If that wasn't it, there's not going to be an it. Sure enough, Jericho traps JTG up in the Walls of Himself for a while, but JTG doesn't tap, straining to reach the ropes and, and he does?! Maybe there's hope for Cryme Tyme yet maybe they'll finally capture those titles and maybe oh wait what no Big Show waddles by with a knockout punch from the outside and Jericho picks up the three.
Winners and STILL Unified Tag Team Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show
Breaking Point is advertised as "Every MAIN EVENT
match will end in submission." Because only main
eventers know how to do crazy shit like that. "Stop
fucking wrestling, Regal! Stomps! STOMPS!" We go to
the back with Josh talking to Punk who has a movie
script that somebody apparently wrote about Jeff
Hardy's life that I guess he found. If there was
ever a movie that didn't need to be made, it's
Click. I mean yeah, the story of Jeff Hardy's life
would probably be pretty bad, but I mean did you SEE
Click? An hour thirty of Adam Sandler not being
funny. If I had the remote from Click, I'd go back
to when I had the option of watching Click, and
choose to shoot myself instead. And that's my
impression of an unclever movie reviewer. SUMMERFEST.
Anyway Punk says the Jeff Hardy script ends with
Hardy winning at Summerslam, making the story fake
and phony like everyone else in this city, nay,
country. He lashes out at people idolizing false
idols, and the mention of Twilight vampires get a
big pop. Pretty good promo, I'm interested to see
how they follow this good segment up.
Oh God, it's Kane.
Kane vs The Great Khali w/Ranjin Singh
At risk of sounding like you know a huge faggot I was on wwe.com the other day, turns out, Khali and Ranjin Singh are now brothers. Oh wait, the announcers just revealed this now as they replayed Kane kidnapping Singh, so I didn't have to humiliate myself in admitting I go to wwe.com after all. I swear I just go for the Smackdown results, though. Fuck you Ian Sparke, what does an admittedly impressive and mildly enchanting narrative with a half-assed every OTHER line rhyme scheme tell me? Very little outsid e of the basic win/loss stuff, that is what! The people want BLOW BY BLOWS. Anyway, speaking of which, yeah, Kane and Khali have been doing that thing they call wrestling for a little bit here with Khali trying to look fast-paced and aggressive with kicks and stuff. I know I said just last match that this would be an entertaining technique for a big guy to use, but I wonder why anybody ever fucking listens to me. I mean what the fuck do I know, shit. Anyway, Khali mercifully slows down, at least lowering th e total number of failed moves we have to see him try to do, if nothing else, and they end up with Khali leaning against the ropes and Kane standing toward the middle of the ring, holding eachother's arms and pulling them back and forth weakly and awkwardly, I guess trying to whip eachother? It goes on for far too long for me to comfortably stomach them being obscenely paid for this, I mean this is a fucking disaster.
Kane signals for the chokeslam which is just never going to happen here, and would you believe it doesn't? Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me? Khali grabs Kane for the double chokeslam but that fails too. Khali elbow and a pin attempt that didn't look terrible. When a guy's high spot is that he can drop an elbow and stay still on top of a guy for two seconds without it looking abhorrent, you know something's wrong. From here they, well you don't care. Kane eventually goes up top and hits a flying punch t o bring Khali down, except Kane lands, rolls across the ring and is already working on standing up before Khali manages to fall. Holy shit. Two count and Kane wrenches a body scissors and sleeper. Khali lies down on the mat completely asleep before springing back up and violently shaking his body to escape. I swear to God it's like a really big and partially retarded Bizarro Shawn Michaels trying to emulate the real HBK, in which case Kane is in trouble because Bizarros are both stronger and NOT ALLERGIC TO KRYPTONITE. Going down this nerd path, Arkham Asylum looks pretty boss, for the most part, but did you see the list of villains? I mean Prometheus? Bane, really? How hard's that boss battle going to be? HINT : Press X next to his feeding tube. And Great White fucking Shark? Was the world just calling for a Great White Shark character? He is quite literally the prison bitch of Batman villains. Still though, should be fairly boss. And THAT'S my impression of a Batman and video game AND wrestling nerd. As if such an embarrassing triple threat existed. Ridiculous. Anyway, Singh gets grabbed from the outside by a downed Kane and dragged into the ring. Kane then puts him in a chokehold and backs up, holding him out in front of him as Khali stares on blankly. Kane then shoves him aside and hits a running DDT on Khali for the pinfall in an awkward sequence that I'm going to go ahead and guess was horribly, horribly botched.
Winner : KANE
Please God let that be the end of it all. Singh explains what happened to Bizarro Shawn after the match as he looks on kind of sideways with a dull, incomprehending expression. They show a slew of celebrities sitting ringside, the only one I've heard of being Slash, the only one that is relevant being nobody. DX is next. Are you ready? No? Well that's cool I mean you got like seven or eight minutes as they recap "Degenration-X's horrific return." AM Raw's Charter cable description of the event, not mine, bu t I can't say I disagree. It's pretty telling that there's a distinct difference in the entertainment level of the clips from the original DX and the reformed 2006 DX. MANURE BATH! It's more like a shower, dipfuck. This screeching fucking I don't even know what instrument plays during grainy clips of Legacy beating down DX and now we are off to the entrances.
The arena goes dark and we get an "Are you ready?" Pyro rains down to a slowed-down version of the beginning of their theme and an army jeep pulls up as a convy of soldiers wielding M-16's unload. The spitting image of anti-establishment, the US fucking Army. The soldiers start firing at the sky and then charge up the ramp. Oh okay, so I guess these are AWOL soldiers. Wait, so is this Orton/Legacy's entrance, then? A tank then pulls out from gorilla with Hunter and Michaels on top of it doing crotch chops. AHAHA Triple H is sitting in a suggestive position atop the tank's large cylindrical cannon and pointing at it! I'm getting the urge to suck a barrel this is so gay. They hop off and dance around and get in the ring and do the, the smoke thing. I don't know, I'm trying to be positive about this but I mean this is, well they're just dressing up a match we've seen ad nauseum over the past few months on Raw by adding green lights and a tank and including Shawn Michaels so he can catch the brunt of the at tack and Trips can make the pinfall in tremendous fashion. ARE YOU REAAAADAAAY? Trips tells Cody and Ted they've got a war before telling everybody to get ready to suck it. Oh God. Please let this be a one-battle war, like Ronald Reagan vs The Berlin Wall, or The Hundred Year War, or Los Angeles vs ******s. Legacy enters next to considerably less fanfare. They don't even have a tank.
Legacy vs Degeneration X
I would have liked to personally witness the shooting of Legacy's entrance video, I think, just three mostly-naked guys awkwardly hunched over in a dark room smiling creepily as a roving spotlight casts onto them. The thing of a younger MVP's nightmares, to be sure sure. What cool, cool guys. Anyway, Triple H locks up with Dibiase to start and they take turns pummeling eachother in the corner before GAME takes over as he is wont to do in any match he's ever in ever. Dibiase stops a backbody drop with a kick before tagging in Rhodes who gets knee'd right the fuck down. He stands to find himself between Michaels on the apron and Trips in front of him. He then smiles like an asshole as he slowly turns and slaps HBK across the face. Trips consults Michaels before tagging him in and they go through a nice whip-reversal sequence that culminates in Shawn whiffing on a punch and Cody hitting one of his own to win the exhange. Michaels looks as embarrassed as a virgin covered in horse cum before tackling Rhodes to the mat and laying into him before getting back his feet and drilling him with a, erm, well, it was a slap. We're like three-four minutes in and there haven't even been any wrestling moves yet.
Superkick attempt sends Rhodes running, so Hunter rolls him back in, but he just exists on the other side of the ring again to consult with Ted before re-entering. An HBK headlock is countered into a back suplex by Rhodes and Dibiase gets the tag. He gets all chopped up in the corner. Chopped up to bits. And then Michaels has sex with the bits. Unwanted thoughts syndrome, my bad. Rhodes soon gets tagged back in and he controls Michaels, getting him down with a scoop slam and landing a forearm drop to the he ad before rubbing HBK's face out with his shoe. Triple H looks on furiously, as if this has never happened during a DX match before. Dibiase back in with a side headlock but he gets his neck broken and both guys crawl to tag in their partners with Triple H getting it in time to stop Dibiase from tagging in the Code man. Cody however lands a kick to the back of Trips who was running the ropes, opening it up for Dibiase to launch Trips into a corner, but Hunter makes up for this bit of graciously allowed offe nse by murdering Dibiase with multiple Spinebusters before going for the Pedigree that Cody breaks up. Trips sends Cody out and backbody drops Michaels over the top rope and out onto Cody, seguing into DX posturing. Trips then turns and charges Dibiase who hits a lowblow as the ref was preoccupied with the guys recovering on the outside, and it's all Legacy from here.
Quick tags back and forth allow for plenty of cheap shots as they lay into Trips in their corner of despair. Dibiase then decides to say fuck this formula for no reason because, after all, he knows best, and he proceeds to lock in a headlock in the middle of the ring. Almost-tag made to Michaels before Dibiase grounds Hunter again, keeping the hold locked in and seeking no further means of offense, as if today is the day that the match ends with a headlock. Trips then just slams his way out of it but Rhodes is tagged in to plant Trips with a DDT. ANOTHER HEADLOCK. Orton has taught them well. What he taught them was absolute shit, but he definitely taught it well. Trips eventually powers out of this hold by throwing Rhodes over his head with a belly to belly suplex and Dibiase gets tagged just in time to knock Michaels off the apron and dominate Trips some more. They rock eachother with punches until H throws Ted Jr from the ring and Trips collapses, crawling slow as shit over to Michaels who gets tagged just as Rhodes does.
Shawn hits all of his signature spots but Dibiase interferes to put Michaels down just as he was going for the kip up. Triple H takes care of this by throwing him from the ring and disposing him out into the crowd. MEANWHILE, IN THE RING, Cody tries for a flying elbow but Michaels dodges and goes to show him how it's done, but Rhodes crotches him up top and initiates a three-story boxing match. Rhodes of course gets knocked down and Michaels flies with the elbow but Rhodes catches him with his knees and get s a two count on HBK. Cross Roads attempt is blocked and Michales locks in the Figure Four but Dibiase is finally back to break it up. Trips is in to Pedigree him back out but Cody stops that shit and plants Trips with a Side Effect. Sweet Chin Music is caught by Rhodes and Dibiase drills Michaels with Dream Street and Triple H breaks it up just in time. Pedigree finally connects on Rhodes but Dibiase lands the Dream Street on Michaels, so Triple H tackles himself and Ted out of the ring. Still in the ring, Cody and Shawn, the legal guys, are down for a double count until they both stagger up at nine, only for Michaels to hit Rhodes with a superkick pretty much as they were leaning on eachother. Michaels collapses on top of him to score the win.
Winner : DX
Great tag team match, awesome even. I had severely low expectations for this match, especially after Legacy jumped DX on Raw, as if someone had said "There! THERE'S their offense! Now it won't look so bad when they get fucking obliterated at Summerfest!" But Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase looked like a huge threat, what with the two biggest untouchable unpinnable motherfuckers on the roster barely being able to beat them, and it was definitely worked like a legitimate tag team match and was very well-paced for such a long match - each guy only hit his finisher exactly one time. For the first time since they were Priceless, Legacy really did look like maybe they are the future of wrestling, kind of like how John Cena and Randy Orton would look when you saw them in the ring together once in a while cross paths before they both blew up. I don't know, just a really good match that really helped elevate two new guys on top of it all. Thumbs up, chops down.
Wrestlemania video package now before Christian makes his entrance to an impressive pop. William Regal is out next, accompanied on either side by professional big motherfuckers Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson. So what are they like a stable now or? THE FOREIGNERS. If African-American was American then there wouldn't be a hyphen in it. Regal is touted as the evil mastermind but I'm not quite sure why that is, I mean, what's he really done that was intelligent? Tell the two biggest guys he could find to a ttack Christian? BRILLIANT.
ECW Champion Christian vs William Regal
The bell rings as Regal turns to take off his big purple robe, so Christian says hey, fuck it, and plants his ass with the Killswitch for the win.
Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Christian
Didn't they do this to the ECW title just last Summerslam? And at the Wrestlemania just before that? And all the time? Anyway, the big scary monsterfuckers get in the ring and hit Christian with their very similar finishers as Kozlov gives a hilarious zombie beast roar. Regal then locks in the Regal stretch before the trio makes their way back up the ramp and poses, looking mildly badass if Regal wasn't hunched over clutching his back like he just caught a severe ass beating. Video of wrestlers signing auto graphs and shit now and Matt Hardy looks like a hick piece of North Carolina shit in street clothes. I mean the guy wore a baseball cap. Yeah Cena and MVP did too but they don't have what could be construed as a mullet with one on and they dahn't tahk lahk e'ry vahl is a lahng "a." Raw's piece of shit main event is next. Wow, did Orton really win his first world title five years ago? I feel old.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs John Cena
Have you ever seen an Orton-Cena match before? Yeah, it was exactly like that. Also at one point it looked like Cena was sucking Orton's dick, and not just a little bit either. But we're going to fast forward a bit toward the "we couldn't decide on a bullshit finish so we decided to give you all of them" part of the match. First, what Orton thought he'd do was, he thought he'd pretend he was a deaf-mute. And punch the referee. He exits the ring and grabs his title before the ref even DQ'd him, which he did. Lillian announces Orton as the new champion and all is well for Randall, if not slightly confused by a possibly inebriated Lillian. Hey, it's her last night. Fuck it. However, Lillian then gets WORD from Mr. McMahon who says that the match is restarting, and if Orton gets disqualified again, he will lose his title. So, fast forward, Orton gets himself counted out. Again, same thing, get your ass back in the ring. So he does, and they go back and forth for a minute, and Orton rolls Cena up and gets both of his feet on the top rope for leverage, scoring the win. NOW, though, another ref comes out and is like "Um, fuck you" and we get a third restart and this shit is dragging. This time Cena gets Orton in the STFU right away, and Orton almost makes the ropes, but Cena pulls him back and it looks as if all is lost, only for an unidentified stranger from the crowd, clearly Rob Conway, to enter the ring and tackle the ref before Orton could tap. They film security taking the mystery assailant away. Anyway, Orton h auls ass out the ring to recover and the ref is like "Fuck it, keep it moving there, guy" and Cena says "Keepin' it movin' there, bawss" and leans out over the top rope to leer down at Orton, only for Orton to RKO him from the floor, guillotining Cena on the top rope. THE VIPER then leaps in the ring and STRIKES with an RKO for the retention.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Randy Orton
Yep. All we needed here was for Cena to fall unconscious onto an also unconscious Orton to pin him, but not have it count because "both men's shoulders were down!" and for Earl Hebner to return without anyone's permission and order the bell to ring for no reason before running off alone and leaving everyone confused and it would be like every possible bullshit finish you could imagine. OTHER THAN ALL THAT, okay match, nothing great. Let's go off to the back now with Eve to get some TLC, and then after that we can watch the Tables Ladders and Chairs Match. Lol.
Punk is out first looking all ecstatic and smiley. Talk about a fucking methhead. Jeff Hardy is out next with paint clearly visible on his face. Come on Jeff, I know it's probably your last match, and you've never taken the wellness policy seriously before, but do you have to be so blatant about it? Seriously though, Charley Manson should sue for gimmick infringement tonight, because that smeared shit looks way too similar. Anything to get him away from X-Pac's loser ass. THAT'S RIGHT I WATCH MEXICAN WRESTL ING FUCK YOUR JAP SHIT.
World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk, TLC
Important strategic analysis from JR : If a man cannot climb a ladder, then he cannot win the match. Thanks, Jim. Punk starts off just absolutely destroying Hardy until he is just stomping a limp puddle of black clothes before tossing him from the ring as you can almost hear Vince screaming "Enjoy trying to dig his ass up from this burial, TNA!" Both guys go for the win early but they thwart eachother's attempts, so Hardy decides that they might just have to have an actual match here tonight and so he goes for a Poetry In Motion on Punk in the corner, but Punk catches him and slams him onto the chair that he just launched himself off with. Punk then just repeatedly throws a ladder onto Jeff. He remains in control as he disposes of Jeff from the ring before connecting with a suicide dive. Hardy continues being dead as Punk sets up a table on the outside before trying to clamp a folding chair over Jeff's neck, oldschool Kane style, but Hardy fights him off. Punk goes to leap off the steel steps but Hardy nails him with a chair before hitting a Poetry in Motion on Punk against the barricade. Hardy takes over and lays Punk out onto a table, climbs a turnbuckle, and comes off with a frogsplash to put himself through the table as Punk escaped the fleshy projectile.
Punk quickly scales the ladder from here but Hardy recovers and is ring there with him, with Hardy managing to touch the title, but Punk has himself wrapped around Hardy's legs, so Jeff takes his ass out with a sunset flip powerbomb off the ladder. The champion goes for his title as JR claims he burns like a bakery, but Punk tips the ladder and sends Hardy into a corner. Punk hits a superplex that sees Hardy land directly onto a ladder. Jesus. I guess that's why they gave Jeff this one last title run - so h e'd absolutely kill himself in this final match. Hardy recovers somewhat and stops Punk's win with a Twist of Fate before climbing a turnbuckle, looking like a broken down piece of shit, and comes off to execute a perfect Swanton directly onto Punk's knees. Somehow only Hardy's back exploded and not Punk's knees and so Hardy recovers in a corner but Punk hits the Pepsi One high knee, but when he goes for the bulldog Hardy back suplexes Punk out of the ring and through the table Punk set up earlier. Irony or something. I'm fucking tired. Jeff scales the ladder only for Punk to hit a springboard clothesline halfway across the ring to bring him down.
They fight on the outside from here with Hardy just wailing on Punk with a chair before being like "Nah I got shit to do" and wanders off to go get a table. He opts to decapitate an announcer table after setting up a wooden one, hitting Punk with every item he takes off of it. A tv monitor shot leaves Punk prone on the table as Jeff Hardy gets his signature Fucking Too Big To Do Fucking Anything The Fuck Ladder and climbs to the very top of that wobbly piece of shit. He flashes the Hardy gunz before falling off with a huge Swanton that puts both men through the table which explodes as if it were cardboard to a huge roar from the crowd. PARAMEDICS! What. Where's Vince McMahon to stop this shit? "Kurt Angle did amazing things with a broken freaking neck now I want to see somebody DIE in that ring!" Jizz stains on his suit. Both guys are like "fuck your stretcher" and Punk races into the ring as Jeff stumbles around outside of it. Punk starts ascending the ladder as Hardy trips over the bottom rope to fall in th e ring. Punk climbs higher and Hardy is tripping balls and swinging at ghosts here and before he knows it he finds himself on top of the ladder directly across from Punk, swatting at those ever-present invisible bees. Punk knocks Hardy off with a hard shot and reaches up to capture the title. He leaps down clutching it and stands over Hardy as he is declared the winner.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : CM Punk
He holds up the belt when suddenly the gong dongs and the lights go out. When they come back on Punk looks around, still holding up the title and signaling for Taker to come get some, when holy shit, where Jeff Hardy just was between Punk's legs is now Taker and he stands up and chokeslams his ass right the fuck down. The lights go blue and Taker surveys Punk's body before taking his leave up the ramp, throwing shit out of his way as he exits. He pauses on the top of the ramp to do the turn around and raise s an arm as pyro shoots off and he takes his leave.
All in all, definitely a good effort to make this the "other Wrestlemania." Only one match I did not enjoy watching, and even that was short and I got to talk about Batman during it. A couple awesome matches with DX and TLC and Orton-Cena introduced a new plot device in the mystery person. An enemy of Cena? A new proponent of Orton? We'll have to wait until the next time we go to Wrestlezone to find out. We also got to see what is probably Jeff Hardy's last big match for a long time and got a huge return in The Undertaker, and those alone make you forget that there weren't any other title changes or real surprises in the match results. And to top everything off, no Divas match! All in all an excellent show, definitely a step in the right direction for making the Big Four worth something again. Maybe not forty dollars plus tax, but something. They're halfway there, anyway, but you have to be looking forward to Survivor Series and the Rumble after this. But Vince has enough proverbial cocksuckers (not the Divas , I said proverbial) so I'll wrap this up (not my cock, I'm a man, but enjoy your numbness.) END SHOW.
We start off with Triple H and Shawn Michaels watching the Summerslam card rundown and making admittedly awesome shadow puppets. The Abe Lincoln one was downright incredible. They then mock Legacy in hiiiiLARIOUS fashion before doing a skit where they broke the machine showing us the Summerslam promo. DX video package follows before Hunter and Michaels give us a weee're baaaack and the voiceover guy welcomes us to SummerSlam. BROUGHT TO YOU BY SEVEN-ELEVEN. Maybe it's just because where I live people own th eir houses and stamps are only used for mailing but I didn't know 7-11 was even still around. Leave it to WWE to, um, not appeal to anybody? Anyway jerking the curtain tonight is a bout for that old rustplate the Intercontinental Championship.
Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler
Rey is out in an abrasive purple and gold ensemble. As this gem on Xzibit's twitter so eloquently puts it, "purple and gold more like whack and old, ha ha." DRIVE WHILE YOU DRIVE, HYUCK HYUCK. Hey, I really want to like Dolph Ziggler but I mean, I'm from Tennessee, and a bleach blond mullet just hits a little too close to home for me. I can't cheer for the guy whose dogs are always giving birth and dying under my house. Nevertheless, Ziggler starts off dominating with power moves but a backbody drop attempt sees Rey land on his feet on top of a turnbuckle and he comes off with a beautiful moonsault to bring Dolph down for two. He soon exits the ring but Rey comes flying off the apron with a hurricarana that sends Dolph into the cameraman. I mean it was like a shitty horror movie, Diary of the Dead Blair Witch of Cloverfield level of ridiculousness, it shakily fell and went sideways and everything. Back inside Dolph soon takes over with a chinlock, and a Rey power-out attempt is prevented by a sideslam and the fact that he's Rey Mysterio. A standing elbow drop from Ziggler is accompanied by unnecessary animal wailing as JR laments Ziggler's "obnoxiousism."
Rey droptoeholds Dolph into a turnbuckle but Ziggler catches a charging Rey with a fierce clothesline for two. FIERCE, BRAH. Gutbuster scores two more. During a bodyscissors from Dolph, Cole informs us that Rey tattooed a fan letter on the side of his body and let me go ahead and repeat that, a WRESTLING FAN sent Rey Mysterio a letter, and so he had it PERMANENTLY TATTOOOED ONTO HIS BODY. Beautiful shit, or maybe just really, really egotistical. Whichever. They go back and forth with Mysterio picking up nea rfalls like they were . Over half of Rey's moves are just elaborate pinning attempts. Dolph gets two falls for every one of Rey's, however, looking for a pinfall after just about every shit move he does. I swear to God this match is like all nearfalls it's not even, wait here we go, no, no Rey just spent about literally fifteen seconds climbing all over Ziggler's body, only to, you guessed it, ROLL HIM UP FOR A PIN ATTEMPT. Rey eventually hits the 619 but Ziggler counters the springboard splash with, yeah, a rollup. This surprisingly only gets two, and the finish sees Dolph looking for his elevated gutbuster from the top, but Rey countered with a hurricarana that sent Dolph to the mat and finally picked up the three.
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion : Rey Mysterio
Pretty okay match. Finish was kind of weak and Ziggler didn't look as impressive as he did in their first match, but I suppose they figured he got enough offense when he controlled Rey with his power moves. JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER REY MYSTERIO OPPONENT EVER. I was really expecting him to win it here, but next month is good too, I guess.
In the back, Swagger talks himself up to Josh Matthews as MVP smirks on before Jack hilariously just comes out of nowhere busting on P, bringing up the fact that he's an ex-con for like no reason whatsoever. P takes over on "angry black man" mode, saying he wished he had the rich grandparents and the dad to play catch with growing up, but he di'int, and so he made mistakes. He goes on to say that when Swagger won an NCAA match his prize was a trophy, but when P won a prison fight, his prize was, and I swear to God he said this, "The right to live another day!" He continues being ridiclous and says Swagger is about to be taken to school, but it ain't gonna be a teacher that teaches him...it's gonna be an MVP~!
"BONUS" MATCH! Swagger is out first wearing a big toothy grin and making ape-like gestures. I fucking love Jack Swagger, fuck you. He shouts inaudibly at fans until MVP enters, also making ape-like gestures, or miming shooting a basketball. Whichever. Cole talks up MVP as being one of the "good ones" by saying, yeah he's been in jail for ten years, but now he works with youth groups in Miami and reads, even!
Jack Swagger vs MVP
MVP outwrestles Swagger early on so he takes a breather on the outside, only for MVP to leap out onto him and bring him back into the ring. Tornado DDT attempt is reversed by Swagger. He slams P into the corner before Irish whipping him front-first and clotheslining his back. P with a back elbow on the third one of these but Swagger craftily catches him up in an abdominal stretch, following up with a camel clutch soon after. Jack has some gums, man, it's like they're taking over his teeth. Electric chair dr op ends the clutch and P lands a series of punches that finally puts Jack down. He is up soon after but another knockout blow lays him out for the Ballin' elbow drop. Playmaker is countered and Swaggerton goes for the turnbuckle-assisted splash but P gets the knees up and hits the drive-by. You know, if you're trying to convince people your gangbanging life is behind you, maybe you shouldn't call one of your signature moves the drive by. I don't know if he's trying to "take back" the term or make it positiv e or what but people may associate him with its pre-existing negative connotation is all I'm trying to say. Anyway, MVP drops him with the Playmaker for the win.
Winner but STILL ineligible to vote : MVP
OH MY GOD LUKE PERRY IS IN ATTENDANCE! LUKE PERRY IS HERE!
Recap of Raw's string of shitty guest hosts and Orton going COMPLETELY MAD. I have never seen a wrestler strike an official who made a decision that was not to said wrestler's liking. Not ever. Up next we get Nancy O'Donnell or some, host of Access Hollywood, also known as the show that you sometimes catch the end of right before the Simpsons come on. I think that's what it is anyway, I don't even know and I watch tv constantly, that's how far off the radar these people are. Jesus tits she has a grating voi ce I cannot believe a primary function of her occupation is talking. She's in the ring with Freddy Prinze Jr, big big Scooby Doo star and former Raw GM and creative writer who says he'll be back to take Orton out when he least expects it. I guess that's good news, because Orton would most expect it on a Monday night, so it won't be then, so that means I won't have to fucking watch it.
Weeeeeeeell BREAKDAWALLSDOWWWWWN. Jericho's portion of this really terrible theme is different as it's more screamo than before, and they cut out most of Big Show's theme alltogether. I don't know, it's an improvement. Jericho calls celebrities hypocrites, just like every one of us, without giving any sort of reason or, anything as to why. He's like a dumbed-down Raven at this point. I like how Jericho always says "I am the best in the world at what I do...and also this man is big." Jericho talks forever be fore passing the mic over to Show who says he wants to get something off his chest. Probably about seventy-eighty pounds of something. I guess he's tired of not seeing his dick. We'll never know what that something was, though, as Cryme Tyme enters to interrupt him. I have a good laugh here as I'm reminded of just how true the wrestling fan stereotype is because as soon as their music hit the chat filled up with phrases like "Crime Time are dumb ******s" on the stream I'm watching. THAT'S RIGHT, STREAM. DO SOMETHING VINCE. DO SOMETHING. I don't give a shit for I am a beast and on the internet.
Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Cryme Tyme
JTG and Jericho go back and forth early with JTG getting the best of Jericho in several exchanges before Jericho takes over on stomping heel duty, missing a Walls attempt but tagging in Big Show. "JTG is trying to turn Hollywood into Holly-HOOD." No, he isn't. We are then told that Big Show's fingers are just a little smaller than coke cans. No, they aren't. Big Show bores the fuck out of everybody on Earth with a side headlock and slaps in the corner. JTG blocks a corner charge before executing a cool-ass ninja roll across the ring to tag in his partner who just dominates Big Show and pancake presses an interfering Jericho. And now, get this, Big Show hitting somebody is akin to an 18-wheeler roaring down the highway, and hitting somebody. I mean come on, okay, he's a big guy, we can see that without all of the impossible lies. Jericho back in to fare well against Shad, elbowing JTG off the apron to allow Show to get in some cheap shots on JTG as the ref voiced his concern. THE GIANT tagged in now for a... f ull nelson. What the. I would love Big Show if he got in there and was just all fast-paced charging at the guy and throwing him and, like Festus used to be pretty much, like a rabid big-ass Bruiser Brody, not this series of restholds shit.
Tag back to Jericho to a huge Y2J chant, because this is the west coast, ******s. We here at TWF are sensitive to race and like to maintain a pleasant and equal opportunity atmosphere. Anyway Shad runs away from Jericho as if he were fatherly responsibilities and JTG is a government subsidized house on fire from here, getting in shots on e'rbody. He pins Jericho until Big Show decides to stop being useless and breaks it up. Show gets clotheslined out by Shad and JTG rolls up Jericho for a very nearfall. If that wasn't it, there's not going to be an it. Sure enough, Jericho traps JTG up in the Walls of Himself for a while, but JTG doesn't tap, straining to reach the ropes and, and he does?! Maybe there's hope for Cryme Tyme yet maybe they'll finally capture those titles and maybe oh wait what no Big Show waddles by with a knockout punch from the outside and Jericho picks up the three.
Winners and STILL Unified Tag Team Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show
Oh God, it's Kane.
Kane vs The Great Khali w/Ranjin Singh
At risk of sounding like you know a huge faggot I was on wwe.com the other day, turns out, Khali and Ranjin Singh are now brothers. Oh wait, the announcers just revealed this now as they replayed Kane kidnapping Singh, so I didn't have to humiliate myself in admitting I go to wwe.com after all. I swear I just go for the Smackdown results, though. Fuck you Ian Sparke, what does an admittedly impressive and mildly enchanting narrative with a half-assed every OTHER line rhyme scheme tell me? Very little outsid e of the basic win/loss stuff, that is what! The people want BLOW BY BLOWS. Anyway, speaking of which, yeah, Kane and Khali have been doing that thing they call wrestling for a little bit here with Khali trying to look fast-paced and aggressive with kicks and stuff. I know I said just last match that this would be an entertaining technique for a big guy to use, but I wonder why anybody ever fucking listens to me. I mean what the fuck do I know, shit. Anyway, Khali mercifully slows down, at least lowering th e total number of failed moves we have to see him try to do, if nothing else, and they end up with Khali leaning against the ropes and Kane standing toward the middle of the ring, holding eachother's arms and pulling them back and forth weakly and awkwardly, I guess trying to whip eachother? It goes on for far too long for me to comfortably stomach them being obscenely paid for this, I mean this is a fucking disaster.
Kane signals for the chokeslam which is just never going to happen here, and would you believe it doesn't? Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me? Khali grabs Kane for the double chokeslam but that fails too. Khali elbow and a pin attempt that didn't look terrible. When a guy's high spot is that he can drop an elbow and stay still on top of a guy for two seconds without it looking abhorrent, you know something's wrong. From here they, well you don't care. Kane eventually goes up top and hits a flying punch t o bring Khali down, except Kane lands, rolls across the ring and is already working on standing up before Khali manages to fall. Holy shit. Two count and Kane wrenches a body scissors and sleeper. Khali lies down on the mat completely asleep before springing back up and violently shaking his body to escape. I swear to God it's like a really big and partially retarded Bizarro Shawn Michaels trying to emulate the real HBK, in which case Kane is in trouble because Bizarros are both stronger and NOT ALLERGIC TO KRYPTONITE. Going down this nerd path, Arkham Asylum looks pretty boss, for the most part, but did you see the list of villains? I mean Prometheus? Bane, really? How hard's that boss battle going to be? HINT : Press X next to his feeding tube. And Great White fucking Shark? Was the world just calling for a Great White Shark character? He is quite literally the prison bitch of Batman villains. Still though, should be fairly boss. And THAT'S my impression of a Batman and video game AND wrestling nerd. As if such an embarrassing triple threat existed. Ridiculous. Anyway, Singh gets grabbed from the outside by a downed Kane and dragged into the ring. Kane then puts him in a chokehold and backs up, holding him out in front of him as Khali stares on blankly. Kane then shoves him aside and hits a running DDT on Khali for the pinfall in an awkward sequence that I'm going to go ahead and guess was horribly, horribly botched.
Winner : KANE
Please God let that be the end of it all. Singh explains what happened to Bizarro Shawn after the match as he looks on kind of sideways with a dull, incomprehending expression. They show a slew of celebrities sitting ringside, the only one I've heard of being Slash, the only one that is relevant being nobody. DX is next. Are you ready? No? Well that's cool I mean you got like seven or eight minutes as they recap "Degenration-X's horrific return." AM Raw's Charter cable description of the event, not mine, bu t I can't say I disagree. It's pretty telling that there's a distinct difference in the entertainment level of the clips from the original DX and the reformed 2006 DX. MANURE BATH! It's more like a shower, dipfuck. This screeching fucking I don't even know what instrument plays during grainy clips of Legacy beating down DX and now we are off to the entrances.
The arena goes dark and we get an "Are you ready?" Pyro rains down to a slowed-down version of the beginning of their theme and an army jeep pulls up as a convy of soldiers wielding M-16's unload. The spitting image of anti-establishment, the US fucking Army. The soldiers start firing at the sky and then charge up the ramp. Oh okay, so I guess these are AWOL soldiers. Wait, so is this Orton/Legacy's entrance, then? A tank then pulls out from gorilla with Hunter and Michaels on top of it doing crotch chops. AHAHA Triple H is sitting in a suggestive position atop the tank's large cylindrical cannon and pointing at it! I'm getting the urge to suck a barrel this is so gay. They hop off and dance around and get in the ring and do the, the smoke thing. I don't know, I'm trying to be positive about this but I mean this is, well they're just dressing up a match we've seen ad nauseum over the past few months on Raw by adding green lights and a tank and including Shawn Michaels so he can catch the brunt of the at tack and Trips can make the pinfall in tremendous fashion. ARE YOU REAAAADAAAY? Trips tells Cody and Ted they've got a war before telling everybody to get ready to suck it. Oh God. Please let this be a one-battle war, like Ronald Reagan vs The Berlin Wall, or The Hundred Year War, or Los Angeles vs ******s. Legacy enters next to considerably less fanfare. They don't even have a tank.
Legacy vs Degeneration X
I would have liked to personally witness the shooting of Legacy's entrance video, I think, just three mostly-naked guys awkwardly hunched over in a dark room smiling creepily as a roving spotlight casts onto them. The thing of a younger MVP's nightmares, to be sure sure. What cool, cool guys. Anyway, Triple H locks up with Dibiase to start and they take turns pummeling eachother in the corner before GAME takes over as he is wont to do in any match he's ever in ever. Dibiase stops a backbody drop with a kick before tagging in Rhodes who gets knee'd right the fuck down. He stands to find himself between Michaels on the apron and Trips in front of him. He then smiles like an asshole as he slowly turns and slaps HBK across the face. Trips consults Michaels before tagging him in and they go through a nice whip-reversal sequence that culminates in Shawn whiffing on a punch and Cody hitting one of his own to win the exhange. Michaels looks as embarrassed as a virgin covered in horse cum before tackling Rhodes to the mat and laying into him before getting back his feet and drilling him with a, erm, well, it was a slap. We're like three-four minutes in and there haven't even been any wrestling moves yet.
Superkick attempt sends Rhodes running, so Hunter rolls him back in, but he just exists on the other side of the ring again to consult with Ted before re-entering. An HBK headlock is countered into a back suplex by Rhodes and Dibiase gets the tag. He gets all chopped up in the corner. Chopped up to bits. And then Michaels has sex with the bits. Unwanted thoughts syndrome, my bad. Rhodes soon gets tagged back in and he controls Michaels, getting him down with a scoop slam and landing a forearm drop to the he ad before rubbing HBK's face out with his shoe. Triple H looks on furiously, as if this has never happened during a DX match before. Dibiase back in with a side headlock but he gets his neck broken and both guys crawl to tag in their partners with Triple H getting it in time to stop Dibiase from tagging in the Code man. Cody however lands a kick to the back of Trips who was running the ropes, opening it up for Dibiase to launch Trips into a corner, but Hunter makes up for this bit of graciously allowed offe nse by murdering Dibiase with multiple Spinebusters before going for the Pedigree that Cody breaks up. Trips sends Cody out and backbody drops Michaels over the top rope and out onto Cody, seguing into DX posturing. Trips then turns and charges Dibiase who hits a lowblow as the ref was preoccupied with the guys recovering on the outside, and it's all Legacy from here.
Quick tags back and forth allow for plenty of cheap shots as they lay into Trips in their corner of despair. Dibiase then decides to say fuck this formula for no reason because, after all, he knows best, and he proceeds to lock in a headlock in the middle of the ring. Almost-tag made to Michaels before Dibiase grounds Hunter again, keeping the hold locked in and seeking no further means of offense, as if today is the day that the match ends with a headlock. Trips then just slams his way out of it but Rhodes is tagged in to plant Trips with a DDT. ANOTHER HEADLOCK. Orton has taught them well. What he taught them was absolute shit, but he definitely taught it well. Trips eventually powers out of this hold by throwing Rhodes over his head with a belly to belly suplex and Dibiase gets tagged just in time to knock Michaels off the apron and dominate Trips some more. They rock eachother with punches until H throws Ted Jr from the ring and Trips collapses, crawling slow as shit over to Michaels who gets tagged just as Rhodes does.
Shawn hits all of his signature spots but Dibiase interferes to put Michaels down just as he was going for the kip up. Triple H takes care of this by throwing him from the ring and disposing him out into the crowd. MEANWHILE, IN THE RING, Cody tries for a flying elbow but Michaels dodges and goes to show him how it's done, but Rhodes crotches him up top and initiates a three-story boxing match. Rhodes of course gets knocked down and Michaels flies with the elbow but Rhodes catches him with his knees and get s a two count on HBK. Cross Roads attempt is blocked and Michales locks in the Figure Four but Dibiase is finally back to break it up. Trips is in to Pedigree him back out but Cody stops that shit and plants Trips with a Side Effect. Sweet Chin Music is caught by Rhodes and Dibiase drills Michaels with Dream Street and Triple H breaks it up just in time. Pedigree finally connects on Rhodes but Dibiase lands the Dream Street on Michaels, so Triple H tackles himself and Ted out of the ring. Still in the ring, Cody and Shawn, the legal guys, are down for a double count until they both stagger up at nine, only for Michaels to hit Rhodes with a superkick pretty much as they were leaning on eachother. Michaels collapses on top of him to score the win.
Winner : DX
Great tag team match, awesome even. I had severely low expectations for this match, especially after Legacy jumped DX on Raw, as if someone had said "There! THERE'S their offense! Now it won't look so bad when they get fucking obliterated at Summerfest!" But Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase looked like a huge threat, what with the two biggest untouchable unpinnable motherfuckers on the roster barely being able to beat them, and it was definitely worked like a legitimate tag team match and was very well-paced for such a long match - each guy only hit his finisher exactly one time. For the first time since they were Priceless, Legacy really did look like maybe they are the future of wrestling, kind of like how John Cena and Randy Orton would look when you saw them in the ring together once in a while cross paths before they both blew up. I don't know, just a really good match that really helped elevate two new guys on top of it all. Thumbs up, chops down.
Wrestlemania video package now before Christian makes his entrance to an impressive pop. William Regal is out next, accompanied on either side by professional big motherfuckers Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson. So what are they like a stable now or? THE FOREIGNERS. If African-American was American then there wouldn't be a hyphen in it. Regal is touted as the evil mastermind but I'm not quite sure why that is, I mean, what's he really done that was intelligent? Tell the two biggest guys he could find to a ttack Christian? BRILLIANT.
ECW Champion Christian vs William Regal
The bell rings as Regal turns to take off his big purple robe, so Christian says hey, fuck it, and plants his ass with the Killswitch for the win.
Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Christian
Didn't they do this to the ECW title just last Summerslam? And at the Wrestlemania just before that? And all the time? Anyway, the big scary monsterfuckers get in the ring and hit Christian with their very similar finishers as Kozlov gives a hilarious zombie beast roar. Regal then locks in the Regal stretch before the trio makes their way back up the ramp and poses, looking mildly badass if Regal wasn't hunched over clutching his back like he just caught a severe ass beating. Video of wrestlers signing auto graphs and shit now and Matt Hardy looks like a hick piece of North Carolina shit in street clothes. I mean the guy wore a baseball cap. Yeah Cena and MVP did too but they don't have what could be construed as a mullet with one on and they dahn't tahk lahk e'ry vahl is a lahng "a." Raw's piece of shit main event is next. Wow, did Orton really win his first world title five years ago? I feel old.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs John Cena
Have you ever seen an Orton-Cena match before? Yeah, it was exactly like that. Also at one point it looked like Cena was sucking Orton's dick, and not just a little bit either. But we're going to fast forward a bit toward the "we couldn't decide on a bullshit finish so we decided to give you all of them" part of the match. First, what Orton thought he'd do was, he thought he'd pretend he was a deaf-mute. And punch the referee. He exits the ring and grabs his title before the ref even DQ'd him, which he did. Lillian announces Orton as the new champion and all is well for Randall, if not slightly confused by a possibly inebriated Lillian. Hey, it's her last night. Fuck it. However, Lillian then gets WORD from Mr. McMahon who says that the match is restarting, and if Orton gets disqualified again, he will lose his title. So, fast forward, Orton gets himself counted out. Again, same thing, get your ass back in the ring. So he does, and they go back and forth for a minute, and Orton rolls Cena up and gets both of his feet on the top rope for leverage, scoring the win. NOW, though, another ref comes out and is like "Um, fuck you" and we get a third restart and this shit is dragging. This time Cena gets Orton in the STFU right away, and Orton almost makes the ropes, but Cena pulls him back and it looks as if all is lost, only for an unidentified stranger from the crowd, clearly Rob Conway, to enter the ring and tackle the ref before Orton could tap. They film security taking the mystery assailant away. Anyway, Orton h auls ass out the ring to recover and the ref is like "Fuck it, keep it moving there, guy" and Cena says "Keepin' it movin' there, bawss" and leans out over the top rope to leer down at Orton, only for Orton to RKO him from the floor, guillotining Cena on the top rope. THE VIPER then leaps in the ring and STRIKES with an RKO for the retention.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Randy Orton
Yep. All we needed here was for Cena to fall unconscious onto an also unconscious Orton to pin him, but not have it count because "both men's shoulders were down!" and for Earl Hebner to return without anyone's permission and order the bell to ring for no reason before running off alone and leaving everyone confused and it would be like every possible bullshit finish you could imagine. OTHER THAN ALL THAT, okay match, nothing great. Let's go off to the back now with Eve to get some TLC, and then after that we can watch the Tables Ladders and Chairs Match. Lol.
Punk is out first looking all ecstatic and smiley. Talk about a fucking methhead. Jeff Hardy is out next with paint clearly visible on his face. Come on Jeff, I know it's probably your last match, and you've never taken the wellness policy seriously before, but do you have to be so blatant about it? Seriously though, Charley Manson should sue for gimmick infringement tonight, because that smeared shit looks way too similar. Anything to get him away from X-Pac's loser ass. THAT'S RIGHT I WATCH MEXICAN WRESTL ING FUCK YOUR JAP SHIT.
World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk, TLC
Important strategic analysis from JR : If a man cannot climb a ladder, then he cannot win the match. Thanks, Jim. Punk starts off just absolutely destroying Hardy until he is just stomping a limp puddle of black clothes before tossing him from the ring as you can almost hear Vince screaming "Enjoy trying to dig his ass up from this burial, TNA!" Both guys go for the win early but they thwart eachother's attempts, so Hardy decides that they might just have to have an actual match here tonight and so he goes for a Poetry In Motion on Punk in the corner, but Punk catches him and slams him onto the chair that he just launched himself off with. Punk then just repeatedly throws a ladder onto Jeff. He remains in control as he disposes of Jeff from the ring before connecting with a suicide dive. Hardy continues being dead as Punk sets up a table on the outside before trying to clamp a folding chair over Jeff's neck, oldschool Kane style, but Hardy fights him off. Punk goes to leap off the steel steps but Hardy nails him with a chair before hitting a Poetry in Motion on Punk against the barricade. Hardy takes over and lays Punk out onto a table, climbs a turnbuckle, and comes off with a frogsplash to put himself through the table as Punk escaped the fleshy projectile.
Punk quickly scales the ladder from here but Hardy recovers and is ring there with him, with Hardy managing to touch the title, but Punk has himself wrapped around Hardy's legs, so Jeff takes his ass out with a sunset flip powerbomb off the ladder. The champion goes for his title as JR claims he burns like a bakery, but Punk tips the ladder and sends Hardy into a corner. Punk hits a superplex that sees Hardy land directly onto a ladder. Jesus. I guess that's why they gave Jeff this one last title run - so h e'd absolutely kill himself in this final match. Hardy recovers somewhat and stops Punk's win with a Twist of Fate before climbing a turnbuckle, looking like a broken down piece of shit, and comes off to execute a perfect Swanton directly onto Punk's knees. Somehow only Hardy's back exploded and not Punk's knees and so Hardy recovers in a corner but Punk hits the Pepsi One high knee, but when he goes for the bulldog Hardy back suplexes Punk out of the ring and through the table Punk set up earlier. Irony or something. I'm fucking tired. Jeff scales the ladder only for Punk to hit a springboard clothesline halfway across the ring to bring him down.
They fight on the outside from here with Hardy just wailing on Punk with a chair before being like "Nah I got shit to do" and wanders off to go get a table. He opts to decapitate an announcer table after setting up a wooden one, hitting Punk with every item he takes off of it. A tv monitor shot leaves Punk prone on the table as Jeff Hardy gets his signature Fucking Too Big To Do Fucking Anything The Fuck Ladder and climbs to the very top of that wobbly piece of shit. He flashes the Hardy gunz before falling off with a huge Swanton that puts both men through the table which explodes as if it were cardboard to a huge roar from the crowd. PARAMEDICS! What. Where's Vince McMahon to stop this shit? "Kurt Angle did amazing things with a broken freaking neck now I want to see somebody DIE in that ring!" Jizz stains on his suit. Both guys are like "fuck your stretcher" and Punk races into the ring as Jeff stumbles around outside of it. Punk starts ascending the ladder as Hardy trips over the bottom rope to fall in th e ring. Punk climbs higher and Hardy is tripping balls and swinging at ghosts here and before he knows it he finds himself on top of the ladder directly across from Punk, swatting at those ever-present invisible bees. Punk knocks Hardy off with a hard shot and reaches up to capture the title. He leaps down clutching it and stands over Hardy as he is declared the winner.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : CM Punk
He holds up the belt when suddenly the gong dongs and the lights go out. When they come back on Punk looks around, still holding up the title and signaling for Taker to come get some, when holy shit, where Jeff Hardy just was between Punk's legs is now Taker and he stands up and chokeslams his ass right the fuck down. The lights go blue and Taker surveys Punk's body before taking his leave up the ramp, throwing shit out of his way as he exits. He pauses on the top of the ramp to do the turn around and raise s an arm as pyro shoots off and he takes his leave.
All in all, definitely a good effort to make this the "other Wrestlemania." Only one match I did not enjoy watching, and even that was short and I got to talk about Batman during it. A couple awesome matches with DX and TLC and Orton-Cena introduced a new plot device in the mystery person. An enemy of Cena? A new proponent of Orton? We'll have to wait until the next time we go to Wrestlezone to find out. We also got to see what is probably Jeff Hardy's last big match for a long time and got a huge return in The Undertaker, and those alone make you forget that there weren't any other title changes or real surprises in the match results. And to top everything off, no Divas match! All in all an excellent show, definitely a step in the right direction for making the Big Four worth something again. Maybe not forty dollars plus tax, but something. They're halfway there, anyway, but you have to be looking forward to Survivor Series and the Rumble after this. But Vince has enough proverbial cocksuckers (not the Divas , I said proverbial) so I'll wrap this up (not my cock, I'm a man, but enjoy your numbness.) END SHOW.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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