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By Anthony Dean
Welcome to Summerslam 2008! It's the summer's biggest blockbuster, you know. And by biggest I mean most expensive, and by blockbuster I mean if there happened to be a tower of children's playings blocks nearby when you watched this you would have busted those motherfuckers down out of disappointment and rage and regret for your wasted time and money. Seriously, you would have too. It's not just me. I don't have an anger problem. I will kill you. And with that abysmal intro, I do believe the tone is properly set for this despairable night in professional wrestling!

WE ARE LIVE TONIGHT IN INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA! Home of lots of corn! And Indians at one time, probably, as the name would suggest! And lots and lots of corn! Our announcing pairs for this evening are Tazz-JR (I didn't know Taz had a son!), King-Cole (Nat's still out with a serious case of death, we wish him a lot of luck) and Tard-Teacher (So that's how Matt Striker could take off work to wrestle without anyone noticing, he'd just double all his students' dosages!) So yes, if you aren't already familiar, then now would probably be a good time to get acquainted with the location of your mute buttons.

Hey look, it's Jeff Hardy! And here I read somewhere he suffered a broken neck last week. I thought I was going to have to settle with cheering for the lesser Hardy tonight. Good thing I can go back to being apathetic during Matt's match. Anyway, Jeff's fighting MVP because they might be feuding or something, I don't know, Smackdown's for queers. Billy & Chuck? Rico? Jim Ross? Referee Charles Robinson? Clearly by carelessly tossing names around I've made my point.  

MVP vs Jeff Hardy

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Gone from competing regularly in title matches to jerking the curtain against some floundering midcarder. And the thing is you could use that to describe either man in this match and have it still ring true. P charges Hardy looking for a Big Fucking Boot right at the bell but Hardy dodges and P reverts to his usual stalling outside of the ring for no real reason but to get a few annoyed boos. Hardy follows so MVP rolls back in, but Hardy just drags him out and lays into him. Jeff Hardy is careful not to land any more than two consecutive strikes tonight, just to be extra safe. Back in P quickly gains control and dominates Hardy for a bit, with Hardy not looking bad despite reports about broken necks or leaky elbows or physically impossible motorcycle accidents or, something. Ha! Topical humor! Just try to enjoy this one year from now! P tries for a series of submission moves but Hardy manages to escape, although P consistently remains in control. Hardy gets tied up in the Tree of Woe. Just fly away, Hardy! Winguardium Leviosa! Well apparently Hardy missed that particular movie because instead he just stays tied up in the tree, allowing P to slam his head into the canvas for a nearfall. MVP looks for a crucifix powerbomb but Hardy reverses that with a neckbreaker for a Double KO. And keeping with James Walker's tradition, or at least he used it in last year's Summerslam Recap so let's just call it a tradition because it's fun, all Double KO counts will result in me posting...not a pleasant MS Paint picture of cute wacky insects because I'm shitty with Paint and didn't think of this ahead of time, so let's just say, I don't know, euphemisms for blowjobs. That's sort of keeping with the tradition, right? I don't need you to agree with me here, I'm gonna do this bit. Okay, Double KO, therefore :

Have you ever exploded in someone's face? Like maybe you were just so stressed out or angry for some reason and maybe it had been building up for days and then the right person came along and you weren't even planning on doing it but the next thing you know you just explode in their face?

A giant replay screen blocks out Hardy's comeback of a mule kick and that big corner kick he does, but that's reversed by P for another two count. Clumsy front dropkick by MVP sends Hardy into the corner and he signals for the BFB but Hardy comes out of the corner with a clothesline, leading to another Double KO, and therefore :

I've done this more than a few times. I love the feeling of just completely dominating a person for that brief moment. Right when you do it nothing else matters in the world, even if you get in trouble for it later (I got suspended from school for a week once for exploding in someone's face).

Hardy up with his Russian leg sweep/double legdrop pinning combo for two and he scores another two off a rollup seconds later. Whisper in the Wind next and this of course sets up for the Swanton. Oh, but what this be? It be Shelton Benjamin out in some bright pink shirt with fucking lions or some ridiculous gaudy shit on there for the distraction! You couldn't not be distracted catching a glimpse of that fucking shirt. Hardy launches himself onto Benji to put him down on the outside and Jeff races back up to the turnbuckle to complete the Swanton, but P rolls clear of the flying back attack and connects with the BFB for the 123.

Winner : MVP

Well, that was decent. Maria in the back now talking up the tag match that will determine whether we get a new Intercontinental Champion whose gimmick is that he's from another country and the fans don't really like or care about him, or they keep the belt on the guy exactly like that who has it now. Oh yeah, also the Women's title is involved, but you don't have to pretend to care about that. Santino says Maria looks like shit since dropping him and shows off his new piece of ass and possibly dick, Beth Phoenix. Maria says Santino looks good too and compliments his unibrow, which Santino says involved lots of time "manscaping." Beth tells Maria Santino is all hers before walking away. Manscaping.

Now it's time for a shit music break as they advertise Hell in a Cell and tell with your cell whether you think Vickie Guerrero and Edge will be getting divorced. Well that's kind of a fucked up poll to have.

Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix vs Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston & Women's Champion Mickie James, Winners Take All Title Match

Kofi is out to little reaction, maybe because he's had only slow plodding shit matches on RAW and nobody saw when he was allowed to be good on ECW because it's ECW. Santino's in a singlet, almost certainly in tribute of recently released SUPERSTAR Braden Walker. The girls start off and Mickie foolishly tries to actually execute wrestling maneuvers. Beth Phoenix is kind enough to correct her mistake and teach her how to wrestle WWE style by throwing her off and shoving her down because she's stronger and therefore immediately better. James however gets a dropkick to Beth's face for a nearfall, leading to Santino getting tagged in. Mickie dominates Santino for a bit before tagging in Kofi who is a hut of fire here. Probably because he didn't make the straw ceiling high enough in proportion to the size of the fire he should have expected to make in the center firepit. Guess they don't get Survivorman in Jamaica, or maybe they just find living in trash and getting Malaria more entertaining than television. Silly, revolting islanders. Anyway, Kofi is all over Santino with his signature fast-paced low-impact offense. Running crossbodies, flailing uppercuts, that whole bit. Santino finds refuge outside and while Beth was bitching at him from the apron Mickie comes along and kicks her off into Santino. Kofi charges for a suicide dive but stops at the last second, just to fuck with them I guess. Santino guillotines Kofi on the ropes however and lays into him with clobbering and whatnot. Heels are allowed to use only min imal real wrestling moves, but you know that. You read the Fan Laws. Kofi regains the advantage until Beth gets the tag and she and Santino stay in control with quick tags and double teaming moves. Soon Santino and Kofi collide by butting heads or something and so both the women get tagged in. Mickie in control of Phoenix with a hurricarana and fucked looking Lou Thesz press off the top for a nearfall that gets broken up by Santino. Kofi charges Marella but he pulls down the ropes and Kofi takes a tumble t o the outside. Immediately after Santino gets drilled with a Swinging DDT by Mickie James, but she in turn gets hit with Beth Phoenix's Sacred Ash or whatever her finisher is called and pinned for the win.

Winner and new Intercontinental Champion & Women's Champion, respectively, obviously : Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix

Santino celebrates by licking the title belt. Beth then parades around with Santino on her shoulders who is waving both the belts around in his outstretched hands like some sort of haunted totem pole. That wrestles. King says the tabloids will definitely be talking about this. What tabloids? Where?

Commercial for the Hardyz DVD. It claims that both brothers have been through personal Hells. Matt, Lita and Jeff, TNA. After this we get a recap of HBK-Y2J. Up next we'll find out whether HBK has been cleared to wrestle tonight...OR EVER AGAIN. Sounds ominous. Hey, with HBK's eyes all crossed and so close together, you kind of know his last name has to be something like Hickenbottom. Just like his wife's, and I mean her maiden name.

Speaking of which, or whom, or whatever, Shawn is out with his wife Rebecca for seemingly no reason whatsoever. He's wearing a tan sports jacket over what looks to literally be a shit-smeared t-shirt. Pretty hot wife and cousin Hickenbottom's got there, no Karen Angle but certainly no Vickie Guerrero or Mrs. Batista either. Nothing more unattractive than cancer, am I right?! Long-winded promo time. Michaels announces that due to complications with his eye compounded with his knee and back surgeries and othe r injuries he's accumulated over the years and generally being told by his doctor to stay the fuck away from a wrestling ring, he's decided for the first time in his professional career to listen to a doctor's advice. Bullshit. I didn't see his ass out there wrestling for five years after having back surgery. If he really was so strong and against following doctor's orders he would've been out there next day. In a stretcher. In a stretcher match. And won it. Anyway he lists off his career highlights and low lights including screwing Bret Hart, at which the camera pans to a teary woman in the front row who shakes her head vehemently saying no. Yes, dumb bitch. Yes he did. Anyway, he says now he's got a chance to be a fulltime father and husband. This gets booed. "Jes cuz Shawn Michaels spends time wit his kids an' can be out in public wit his wife widdout people wondering what happent to her jaw an' occasionally pay child suppo't, he think he better than me?!" This being a typical professional wrestling crowd, Michaels knows it's not the popular decision, but he's walking away. Suddenly the walls break down. You know he gotcha.

Jericho is out in his bidness suit and serious flared nostrils face. He gets in and stares HBK down before saying "No." He won't allow HBK to go out this way on his own terms blaming an accumulation of injuries and wanting to be with his family, he wants him to admit he's walking away because of Chris Jericho. Michaels tells him to leave but Jericho is intent on getting this rub. He wants Michaels' last professional moment to be admitting that Jericho put him away so that whenever people think of Shawn Michaels they won't think of any of his achievements, they'll think of him as "the guy who was forced to walk away by Chris Jericho." I wonder if by this logic what other wrestlers' legacies would be like if people only remembered them for how their careers ended and that overshadowed all else.

Mike Awesome : Last I heard he was just hanging around doing nothing in Florida.
Hulk Hogan : The guy from VH1? Yeah, whatever happened to him? He used to rub suntan lotion on his daughter's ass and call her modeling photos sexy and stuff, that shit was HOT.
Eddie Guerrero : Wasn't he that guy who OD'd in some seedy motel room who was found by his Latino "tag team partner"?
Chris Benoit : Who?

Anyway. HBK agrees he'll tell his wife and kids that he will never wrestle again because of the actions of a vile, disgusting human being if Chris Jericho will tell his wife and kids that he will never be Shawn Michaels. "Honey, kids. I have a confession to make. My name's not really Shawn Michaels. My name is really Chris Jericho. All those times I pointed myself out to you on tv, and said I just look really different because of the makeup and television camera tricks, well, that wasn't me, that was the real Shawn Michaels." Staredown leads to an HBK chant. Shawn turns to leave but Jericho grabs him so Michaels ducks and Jericho accidentally punches HBK's wife instead. Michaels lays over her grunting, mumbling, seething and stroking her face like the retarded kid in a movie over the girl who was always nice to him who the bully accidentally hit because she was trying to stop him from picking on the retard. Premiering this Saturday night on The N. BE THERE. And tell me what's actually on. I love Degrassi. So yeah, Rebecca eventually sits up to a big pop and hugs Michaels. I wonder if Michaels would have been the one who got hit would he have been down that long. Woman must have much more fragile cheek bones I guess. Same deal with Vickie in the wheelchair. What, did she get tombstoned once? In November? Weak neck muscles. Inferior females.

Matt Striker and Tard Grisham are the commentators for ECW's Title Match. Oh, Lord. Or as Michael Hayes would say in a hilariously mocking manner, O Lawd gimme strenf! They replay Mark Henry turning on Matt Hardy last week on ECW after they won their tag match. What? You mean the unsympathetic monster heel turned on the guy who he would be wrestling for his title less than a week later?! How can anyone seriously get behind Matt Hardy here? I mean I can be sympathetic, but damn. Even if you liked Hardy you have to admit he was begging to be hit. And beat down. And then stomped while he was on the ground. Anyway, they list Hardy's accomplishments but say he's never won a major heavyweight title, and tonight is his chance. At least they acknowledge the US Title is shit, but then they talk up the ECW title? That's like someone saying they're tired of driving shitty cars and then go out and buy an extremely used '96 Honda Civic. Or some better analogy I can't think of because it's midnight and I'm tired so fuck you. They do the introductions in the ring so as to give the appearance that the ECW title is worth more than what it would fetch at a scrap metal weigh station. $14.96, by the way. I did the research. Price of steel is not going up, copper is where it's at.

ECW Champion Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas vs Matt Hardy, ECW Championship Match

Twist of Fate connects thirty seconds in on Henry but Tony Atlas breaks up the pin and pulls Hardy out to beat his ass down to draw the DQ. At least this one was kept short.

Winner by DQ : Matt Hardy

Atlas slams him into the stairs as the announcers claim Atlas benches 500 pounds. What year was that exaggerated figure even remotely believable, 1986? Jeff Hardy is out for the save to beat down Atlas before delivering a Swanton from the apron. Henry is out to get doubleteamed by the Hardys and gets put down by a double suplex. The Hardys cheer in the ring as the announcers claim they are reunited. Because that's what we need. A tag team feud between a team that got stale seven years ago and two guys who look like they last exerted any amount of effort for any period of time seventeen years ago.

Summerslam Anthology DVD shill. Either it was a wedding, or one Summerslam saw a KKK ritual going on in the ring. I made a KKK stable in a video game once. White robe, white paper bag mask and white witch's hat was all it took. Ku Klux Karl and KKKyle were the Truthspeakers, and the crowd in my head went crazy when Shelton Benjamin and Bobby Lashley finally beat them for the tag titles. And then hung them. It happened in Mobile, AL so that happens automatically when any black guy wins. General Manager Mode has a lot of hidden quirks like that.

Next we get a video package for CM Punk because, despite being World Heavyweight Champion for like two months, about a third of the audience still barely know who he is. Promos, what? Then where will we put the long series of rest holds?! The people want REST HOLDS! JBL gets a video package as well showing his drinking contest with Punk which JBL won because when Punk smashed him in the face with the shotglass some whiskey surely got into his mouth. Man, Punk's not allowed to win ANYTHING. Their match is up .

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs JBL, World Heavyweight Championship title match

Punk gets what can possibly be construed as somewhat of a pop. I guess. Beats JBL's silence. A slightly more respectable reaction on the ring introduction. But not much. Cole informs us Punk has been saying the veterans are being pushed out and it's time for the new school to finally get a shot. King is clearly offended by this and says "Well I dont know about all that." JBL headlock and shoulder block but Punk goes to work on his knees and takes him out of the ring with a kick and follows up with a suicide dive. Or, since he's straight edge and all that gaeity, Attempted Suicide Dive But Not Really He Just Wants Attention. Punk goes up top to hit a corssbody for one. JBL regains with punching and finger stomping and hits a Fallaway Slam from the second rope. SHADES OF SCOTT HALL~! Man, between that and the drinking contests, I'm surprised he made it here tonight. They say Punk's knocked off some of the best during his run. Who? Let's see, JBL, Kane, um, William Regal? Shit, who else? Who else, who else, oh y es, SNITSKY? Punk gets put in another resthold. They sure know how to utilize this guy's wrestling abilities! Punk soon escapes but JBL puts him down with a couple boots for two. Suplex gets another two and a side suplex for a third nearfall. Waistlock on the ground. Fuck this match. Why hasn't Punk faced a guy under 300 pounds since he beat Edge for the title? A guy who he can, you know, put on a presentable match with? He gets out of the waistlock so JBL just locks in an abdominal stretch. Boring as a mot herfucker. Way to hide Punk's strengths by exposing JBL's weaknesses! He eventually gets out and hits the Pepsi One bulldog and tries for a GTS but his ribs are hurt too bad. JBL nails a big clothesline and delivers five elbow drops to Punk for another nearfall. They trade staggering punches and JBL tries for another clothesline but Punk counters with a kick to the side of his head for two. Springboard clothesline gets reversed into a powerslam but that's still not it. Clothesline From Hell attempt is bloc ked by a kick to JBL's face by Punk but he can't cover. Pepsi One attempt fails as JBL places him on the turnbuckle before delivering a big back suplex off the top. Double KO time. THEREFORE :

I exploded in my friend's face once. It was just a one-time thing though, you know, to ease the tension. We're cool now.

They show a replay from a spot where JBL and Punk accidentally collided heads earlier, causing Punk to bleed from the back of his head. JBL covers for two and Punk kicks out to a pop, finally. Clothesline attempt gets reversed into a GTS which connects and Punk scores the pinfall.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk

Punk stands in the ring for a mintue as we have to listen to his shit music. Not a bad match. I'm just a bit tired of seeing Punk in throwaway matches with shitty wrestlers all the time always. Just a bit.

In the back now with Khali "training" by swinging his arms around as his manager yells at him in Punjabi. Funny, when he speaks it, it just sounds like another language, not BLARGHHMMPHNROSHJMOGABOOGA. Khali video package. It actually makes Khali seem more boring. Their match is now. Taz says tv does not do Khali justice. Taz would know about that, too, because sometimes wheen seen on tv from certain angles, and when he's by himself and not near anything of easily comparable size, Taz looks to be the size o f a normal human being. Triple H has not lost a Summerslam match in six years. I guess Triple H sees it a fair trade that he is allowed to win 364 days a year as long as he always loses at Wrestlemania. At least that way he always looks invincible to the poor people. Just like any good King.

WWE Champion Triple H vs The Great Khali, WWE Championship match.

They punch eachother. Khali chokebombs Triple H. Taz says "Triple H just got shucked, uh chucked shmuck, uh, shuckda, uhchuckapotatoes!" What the fuck is the matter with Taz? Chop block takes Khali down and because he hasn't bent his knees in several months, even when he walks, this sends him down on the ground and rolling out of the ring. HHH follows but Khali sends him to security wall before rolling him back in. Referee Mickey Henson looks like a goblin here tonight. Khali lands an elbow or something in the corner before landing a clothesline with mainly his elbow and a nerve hold. Fuck this shit. Two Summerslams in a row Khali is rewarded with World Title shots. Fuck it. Seriously, not to be complainey or smart or, whatever. I am pissed off. This sucks. It is not fun to watch. That is all. Leg drop gets two and so we get another nerve hold. Taz himself says this is basic elementary offense. Triple H punches his way out because that is absolutely how a nerve hold works. Knee to Khali's face and Khali falls back and gets tied up in the ropes, somehow. Triple H runs into a big boot as Khali's retarded ass gets untangled and waddles over with his arms outstretched. Pedigree attempt gets Triple H potatochuckederuhschmucked from the ring where he trips Khali and slams his leg into the ringpost. Trips trips on the apron at the hands, er, elbow of a Khali clothesline and he goes for the Vicegrip/Claw on H's face. "The Claaaaaaaaaaaaw!". I fucking love Toy Story. I still have one of those little three-eyed alien toys. You squeeze them and the eyes bug out. This may seem irreverent, but it's more interesting than anything going on in this match. Triple H eventually breaks it and tries for a Pedigree and after about a ten second setup as he fights Khali to get him into a position to take it so he won't kill himself, he delivers about the sorriest looking Pedigree this side of that cheap, mucky-looking dog food. It's well after midnight at this point, folks.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Triple H

JR : Triple H is one of many fathers, but failure is an orphan!

I sincerely hope I just heard that wrong. If I did, fuck JR anyway, he should speak more clearly and besides I'm sure it was something equally terrible. John Cena vs Batista for the FIRST TIME EVER is next. Cue unnecessary video package since this feud started just three weeks ago! I'm gonna go take a piss!

Back and boy do I have a huge cock. YOU CAN'T SEE HIM, HIS TIME IS NOW! Why does Cena have a 54 on his shirt? Did he just pick the douchiest looking number he could to slap on there or am I just overly critical of Cena ever since he ditched his old 8-Bit video game shirt? YOU DECIDE! Or don't, since then you'll realize I'm biased as fuck and I won't be able to brainwash you with my opinions on wrestling quite as effectively. JOHN MORRISON IS COOL. Cough. Michael Cole claims no hype is needed for this match. Good to see WWE was kind enough to supply a sickening amount of it anyway! Batista is out next looking particularly brown tonight. Maybe because he's next to someone as white as John Cena. If you can't say any other positive thing about Batista, you have to at least admit he's gotten pretty far in his WWE career being brown without being involved in a floundering racial stereotype role. A SHADE OF THE ROCK~! Although there was that time at the beginning where he was a Deacon to D-Von's black church. And he did rape Melina. And now that I think of it The Rock was an islander and black supremecist at first. Oh, well. I guess they tried to be fair with Bobby Lashley and look where it got them. And thus, we get Cryme Tyme.


They run around for a bit, showing whose got the more basic offense. Cena is winning at first with an arm drag, but Batista ups the ante with a shoulder block takedown. Cena checks with one of his own but Batista raises with a clothesline. They each hit a suplex but Batista hits a side slam. FU attempt but Batista escapes with a kick to Cena as the announcers attribute it to the teachings of Ric Flair. Shin breaker and Figure Four which Cena sells by staring forward completely still just looking horrified. Eventually he throws in a couple yelps before putting on a blank expression and trying to shake his leg free with his hands. That was the weirdest selling of anything this side of Hornswoggle's squirt guns filled with acid or the Junkyard Dog bit where he lifts his leg as if to piss on his opponent and they freak out and wipe theirselves frantically as if he actually took out his cock right there and did it. I sure do talk about cocks a lot. Cocks. Rope break and FU attempt but Batista grabs the ropes so Ce na just dumps him over the top. Flying shoulder block and Protobomb. If these guys have been watching eachother so closely for six years like they said they have, wouldn't Batista know what the fuck order Cena's five moves come in? 5 Knuck Shuffle and a third FU attempt is again countered as Batista hits a boot and it's another Double KO count. So....

I've exploded in someone's face so bad I gave them a black eye and busted their lip. I'm not proud to say it, but I've exploded in both guys' and girls' faces.

Spastic kicking shoulder thrusts on Cena in the corner and a Spinebuster follows. Batista Bomb attempt is reversed and Cena twists Batista's knee before locking in the STFU. That ref is right in Batista's face. Why does he keep asking Batista if he wants to quit over and over? Whose side is he on? I would knock him on his ass. Although knowing is crooked ass he'd probably DQ me. Batista is the one against the odds here for once.  Almost to the ropes Cena backs off before pulling Batista back and lockin g it in again. Teest close to tapping before grabbing the bottom rope. Yet another FU attempt is reversed into a rearnaked choke by Batista and man, he isn't even trying to make the body scissors look real. Plus his eyes aren't rolling back in his head or anything. THIS IS WHY THE INTERNET HATES YOU BATISTA. He releases it for no reason whatsoever before drilling Cena with his signature lazy spear that's more of a fall in which his shoulder sort of bumps into the abdomen. Batista with a slam attempt but Cen a fluidly reverses it into an FU that finally lands successfully. Nearfall and Cena goes up top. SHADES OF ANYONE BUT JOHN CENA~! Batista follows him up and they slug it out as the crowd counts the punches. Cena wins and Batista falls back to the ring. Cena comes off the top looking for his flying Famasser I guess but he waited for Batista to get up and look him in the eye, so, headscissors? At any rate Batista reverses it inot a powerbomb for two. Big boot and a Batista Bomb follow and Batista pins John Cena for three.

Winner : Batista

HE WAAAALKS ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE! This is extremely true now as nobody is cheering him. Everyone is clearly disappointed as the announcers insist upon exclaiming "What a match! What an effort!" Dead fucking silence fills the arena as the announcers basically recount every move in the match and how huge stars both Batista and Cena are to try to hide the deafening, defining silence. So WWE throws away one of the few (bad?) dream matches left with their sorry, decrepit roster by giving it three weeks worth of bu ild to try and get some last ditch buys for Summerslam, and to top that off it's not even a good match and even the ultimate marks in the crowd realize it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, kind of a waste and maybe just a little bit sort of shit? HAHAHAHAHA.

78% of people said that they think Vickie and Edge will get a divorce. 100% of the people that voted completely wasted their money, however, so really how reliable is anything they say? Edge/Vickie video package as the Hell in a Cell match is next.

Edge is out first looking anxious and crazed, awestruck by the Cell. If anything can save this piece of shit Pay Per View, well, it kind of has to be this, but I think it just might do it. Taz says he never ever wants to be in a Hell in a Cell match. As if fucking Taz will EVER have the opportunity to turn down being in a Hell in a Cell match. The gong dongs and the lights, um, blight? and the lame flames came as Taker makes his entrance. Twenty minutes later Taker enters the Cell, the referee locks the door, Edge is smiling manically and the bell rings.

Edge vs Undertaker, Hell in a Cell

Edge is leaping back and forth before getting Taker in the corner with some punches. He gets up for some mounted punches before getting shoved off and booted the fuck down. Taker puts him in the corner for some shots of his own. He is the best pure striker in the WWE, did you know that? It's complete and total fact according to WWE magazine's complete and total factual poll. Don't act like you don't occassionally lay down the six or seven bucks for a fresh copy of WWE Magazine, you're not better than me. Edge gets sent over the top rope, smacks into the Cell, and lands outside the ring. Are you supposed to capitalize Cell? I'm going to go ahead and capitalize Cell. Taker rams Edge into that SOLID STEEL chainlink fence. Cell.. Headbutts from Taker keep Edge down and Taker grates Edge's face into the Cell wall before sending him into the steps. La Familia is watching in the back. BAM NEELY making his presence known tonight! FINALLY! I miss that sorry motherfucker. I'm honestly just looking for something to say here because Taker is dicking around with the steps. Okay, now he's finally got them. He sets them up in the corner before picking Edge up and just humming him into them. Edge counters by Irish whipping him into the steps before dropkicking and spearing Taker against the steps. Edge digs up a couple tables from under the ring and sets them up, one on top of the other, outside the ring. He gets up on the apron and looks to suplex Taker through them but Taker counters with a goozle but Edge counters by breaking Taker's arm over the ropes and falling to the apron. Edge with a chair now and nails Taker in the throat. He fishes another table out and slides it into the ring before returning under the ring for a pair of ladders. TLC in a Cell. They know they've gotta do SOMETHING tonight, I guess.

Another chairshot puts Taker down once more and Edge continues setting his ring up, nailing Taker with scattered chairshots in between arranging his shit. He lays Taker on a table, grabs the chair, climbs a ladder, and comes off with a chairshot that puts Taker through the table a la what he did to Mick Foley a couple weeks ago on Smackdown. He muttered "I understand" before coming off the top. That was important to know. He goes back out and brings in like four more chairs, setting up a conchairto. Taker s tops that shit by grabbing Edge's throat and throwing him away to the apron before booting Edge off and into the Cell wall. JR proclaims that casualties are guaranteed in this match. I plan on holding him to that. I don't even care who it is. Somebody needs to die, JR guaranteed it. Just not BAM. He has so much left to give. Like his resignation. Now. Like, right now. As in, right the fuck now. Outside the ring Taker fucks Edge up with the other set of steps for a bit before Edge tosses Taker away. He then charges, runs onto the steps, and propels himself off them with a spear that puts Taker through the Cell wall. Taker dominates the brawling outside the Cell before Edge rocks his shit with a television monitor. Taker ends up laying on the middle announcer's table, so Edge climbs the first one and comes running off it with another huge spear, sending Taker through the third table. "HE WASN'T WALKING ON WATER, HE WAS RUNNING ON WOOD, BAH GAWD!" Direct fucking quote, minus the bah gawd, unfortunately. Edge eve ntually reenters the Cell and rolls back into the ring. Taker follows before being hit with a ladder as we get another shot of La Familia looking dejected at Edge's success. Edge brings a spare video camera out from under the ring and nails Taker with it, a la the shot that cost Taker the title in his Hell in a Cell match with Batista last November, and covers for two. Taker then delivers a chokeslam for a two count of his own because finishers hurt less on Pay Per View. Really, it's a Fan Law and everything, possibly.

Edge with a low blow and Edgecution for two due to the aforementioned Fan Law that I just made up. Taker recovers and sets up the Last Ride, staring at the stacked tables. Edge escapes at the last second and comes off the ropes with a Spear for a nearfall. Mounted punches in the corner lead to a Last Ride for another nearfall. This Fan Law is really gaining some merit, which would be cool if the Fan Laws were, you know, still around. Taker sets up a Tombstone on the steps. I wonder how it will be reversed t his time. It's a modified Edge-o-Matic! Two count because that was an Edge-O-Matic and this is not Heat circa 1998. Edge goes up for an Old School attempt but Taker pulls his arm away, crotching Edge on the turnbuckle. Chokeslam off the top sends Edge through the stacked tables and he is dead. Bah Gawd. Taker rolls him back in the ring and Edge is already back on his feet. Taker connects with a Spear as the announcers condescendingly explain to us each man is using the other's moves. Taker clocks Edge with the television camera before setting up and connecting with a Conchairto, opening up a big gash on Edge's shoulder. Tombstone piledriver in the middle of the ring and that's it for this one.

Winner : The Undertaker

To be honest, any Hell in a Cell match that doesn't at one point take place on the top of the Cell is a disappointment to me. Regardless, good match, great effort, although nothing we haven't seen before with either of these men. Taker walks up the ramp before pausing, turning around, and coming back down to the ring. CLIMB THE FUCKING CELL OR ELSE YOU'RE A FAGGOT OR SOMETHING SERIOUSLY YOU BITCH FAGGOT  LITTLE BITCH. CLIMB THAT MOTHERFUCKER. Well turns out Taker is a "bitch faggot little bitch." I'm geniunely sorry, folks. He sets up a ladder before picking Edge up and setting him on it. Edge is "unconscious". Standing on top of a ladder. Taker sets up the second ladder next to the first. He elbows the referee to a pop before climbing the ladder and grabbing Edge by the hair and yammering to him. Throat cut and Taker shoves, er, "chokeslams" Edge off the ladder, sending him through the ring. He then climbs down and poses on his knees as fire erupts from the hole in the ring. JR says Undertaker just sent Edge straight to Hell. No, really. That is actually what happened. Seriously.

Well that's it. I wish I can say I enjoyed this but it was just, boring. JBL-Punk and Hardy-MVP were allright and the main event was good, but I successfully predicted every match outcome and didn't care about half of them and never really got excited or anything so I really can't say I give this show a thumbs up. If I'm even supposed to do that. Am I? I don't know. I'm gonna. From me, Summerslam 2008 gets a thumbs DOWN. Followed by an electric chair drop that sends it through the ring into a flaming hole. And no subsequent push. END SHOW.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).