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SUMMER

SLAM

(08/20/06)

 

Hey there, kids. It’s ol’ faithful James Walker (even though I’m not religious, I’m faithful to my five girlfriends) here with your Summerslam Rant! Yes, that’s right folks, it’s “The Biggest Party of the Summer!” Though, if I were to ask my friends if they thought a party was supposed to have a bunch of greased-up men in underwear rolling around canvas with each other, they’d probably wonder who I picked up at the bar last night. (His name is Jorge, and he’s a pool boy, thank-you-very-much.)

Anywho, there’s a lot of wrestling to get to, so let’s stop talking about my fake life and get to the fake violence!

Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero. 

You know, I was talking to Sean earlier and it came to light that Rey has been involved with Eddie Guerrero storylines for the last year and a half – ever since No Way Out 2005, when he and Eddie beat the Bashams for the WWE Tag Team Titles. Now, a year and half is a long time to be involved with someone, (I wouldn’t know, though. I go through my girlfriends than Joan Rivers does botox injections) especially in today’s 16 PPV per year WWE. And think about it – Rey’s always either fighting with, against, or for Eddie Guerrero, but Eddie hasn’t shown any interest in him for nearly a year. Rey spends more time with Eddie’s family than vice versa, and hell, I doubt their sex life is all that great, for according to Cole, “Rey isn’t sucking off anyone!”. Therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that Rey Mysterio is WHIPPED.

So, apparently Chavo is coming out of retirement for “one night only”. I heard that one before, Terry.

Before the bell even sounds, Rey & Chavo begin slugging it out. Aww, isn’t that cute, the little people think they’re heavyweights! Rey, fuming from all of Chavo’s spiteful words, decides that a springboard moonsault press is the best way to emote this immense hatred! Wouldn’t it be awesome if instead of missiles, the Israeli/Hezbollah conflict was resolved with missile dropkicks? I’m sure Paul Heyman would hire the services of Lance Storm. Finally, a Canadian military venture we’re useful for!

Aaanyways… Rey eats foam padding on a plancha, and Chavo shows him how it’s done. (i.e., by hitting the other guy) Chavo threw Rey back in the ring, and worked on him in the corner for a bit. Rey tried to come back, but Chavo countered a hurricarana by driving Rey headfirst (not this [ VERY NSFW] ) on the top turnbuckle.

Chavo continues the attack, and did the Eddie dance, to some solid “gah, fuck off” heat. Chavo landed a backdrop on Rey, sending him to the apron. Out there, the two guys battled it out, and fought their way on to the top turnbuckle. Funny, the mount of dexterity and forethought that’d take, you’d almost think this wasn’t a legit fight. Almost. On the top rope, both guys took each other out, and they both landed awkwardly in the ring for the double KO spot. Double Knock-out? THAT’S TONIGHTS MS PAINT ALARM! *Drum roll*… CATERPILLAR!

Rey lands a springboard crossbody for two, and Rey climbs the ropes. Chavo cuts him off, but Rey still ends up landing a rana from the top, sending Chavo into 619 position. “The kick of seemingly no impact but whatever it looks impressive so roll with it” connects, but Chavo ducks the West Coast (Border) Hop. However, Rey still rana’s Chavo (and himself) over the top rope, to the outside. As Chavo threw Rey back inside, Vickie Guerrero ran out (looking incredibly frumpy) and prevented Chavo from coming back into the ring. Now, this woman doesn’t seem too bright. I mean, if I were trying to stop my family from fighting over the legacy of my deceased significant other, I would, I don’t know, tell them that my deceased spouse wouldn’t want it this way, instead of adding fuel to the fire. But hey, maybe this shit all part of the Mexican grieving process. I can picture the funeral services now…

El Loco Hombre estad uno bueno papa…”

*pescado on to the hors d’oeuvre platter*

With Chavo on the outside, Rey landed a dive of some sorts on to him (I forgot what it was as I’m just a little drunk right now. And was back then. And have been since about 10 am. I only need it to function, so it’s not like I abuse it.)  This time, Vickie prevented Rey from getting back in the ring, which allowed Chavo to land a couple of rolling suplexes, but Rey landed a rana before Chavo could complete the three amigos. Rey then did a set of three verticals of his own, which drew some crowd heat. Rey went to the top, and Vickie grabbed Rey’s leg, but accidentally (nor now, until Vickie turns on Rey because “you can’t trust a Guerrero”, leading to even more tastelessness when Chavo and Vickie become an onscreen item, but that’s at least 2 weeks down the road so I digress) crotched him on the top ropes. This allowed Chavo to land a brainbuster, and land the frog splash for the 3 count.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero. 

Vickie stormed off, looking upset that she’s in such dire need for money that she’s resorted to allowing Vince to do this angle as means to pay off the mortgage, while Chavo tells Rey that “he had this coming”. Yeah, Rey, geez, you know better than to wear short skirts and revelaing tops to biker bars, and NOT expect to get raped. Duuuh.

Backstage, Edge & Lita meet up with Booker & Sharmell. They have a friendly wager, where-in if Edge loses his belt and Booker retains, Edge will have to kiss Booker’s foot. If the result is Vice verse, however, Booker will be Edge’s servant. I’d imagine the latter is more possible – black people had PLENTY practice with that. Hey, don’t act like it’s not true.

We get a video showing how Sabu came to be the number one contender… by accidentally purposely lifted to with arms reach of a stack of paper. Wrestling ability? Pfft. Sticky hands? NECESSARY!

Big Show vs. Sabu, ECW World Heavyweight Championship, Extreme Rules

You know, on one hand, I have to give the WWE credit because they’ve managed to build to this match pretty well. However, on the other hand, it’s still Big Show VS Sabu. This is sorta like the government spending more money on healthcare by getting rodeo clowns to dance for sick kids, except at least that’ll bring a smile to SOMEONE’S face.

Sabu did a bunch of chair-smashy-smashy stuff on Show to get a two count. It’s here when I wonder if maybe Al Qaeda terrorists would have be better served by using steel chairs instead of car bombs. I mean, tell me you wouldn’t laugh at a hundred people tried to start a revolution by triple jump moonsaulting on American flags. It’s disrespectful, but entertaining! Just like me! Except for the entertaining part, but we’re one out of two ain’t bad. It is? Drat. Where was I?

Oh, show just stopped the triple jump moonsault, and demonstrated his magnificent power by stomping through a chair with his size 48 EEEEEE feet. That’s right Paul, you show that inanimate object!

Show, in full “wander around occasionally chopping and headbutting” mode worked on Sabu  for a bit, and locked in a bear hug. (not this) Sabu bit Show’s doorstop-like nose to escape, but Big Show caught a springboard crossbody and turned it into a fallaway slam, sending Sabu out of the ring.

Sabu draped Show over the top rope, and landed a few chair shots, and a top rope mega-ultra-arabian-smashface-kick-ghostbuster for two. Hey, you try recapping this guy’s matches. He has more names for his moves than I have police warrants (eleven, if you really wanted to know.)

Alright, fuck this, this match is getting on my nerves. I like Sabu, and Big Show is trying hard, but neither men look like they give a damn tonight, especially Sabu. In  proper ECW environnemtn, this might be alright, but with this Raw crowd, the fans couldn’t give two shits, and neither could I. Infact, both men seem to care so little, they both seem to be… knocked out? PAINT ALARM! ANT!

Fiiiiiiine. Show lands the old Vader splash, and then tossed the ring steps into the ring. Show grabbed a table and put a table on top of both step segments like a bridge, and threw another table into the ring. Jesus Christ, these two guys are doubling as construction workers tonight. If only they could piece together a decent match…

Anywho, Sabu flubs on a dive when the bridged table slips, but doesn’t improvise worth shit and still goes through with the plan, eventually landing a DDT through the table. Sabu set up the other table, and tried to leap off of it, but Big Show caught him with a chokeslam through it, to mercifully end this heatless crapfest.

Winner: Big Show

Backstage, a bunch of divas “welcome” the newest WWE Diva Search winner, Layla. They welcome her by getting in her face about how “tough” it is being a Diva… I mean, those pies just don’t sit on themselves! They then initiate her by, uhh, taking her into the shower, and they all share a good laugh. Shower initiations are fun? Billy Silverman would disagree.

Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Orton. 

“Broken” Knee VS “Broken” Ankle! Replaced hip VS Replaced push! 24 Inch Pythons VS 10 inch Deposits! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE!

As expected, Hogan gets a monster pop for his entrance. I swear, if you strike up Real American ANYWHERE, everyone will stop what they’re doing and cheer. I’d love to test this theory out in a convent.

You know what? Do I really need to recap this? It’s a Hogan match. Here’s what you can expect:

         Hogan over powers the heel at the beginning

         Heel gains the advantage, and beats down Hogan for a few minutes. (That’s right Randy, you show that inanimate object!)

         Hogan mounts a come back, but the heel gets out of it.

         Heel works on Hogan for a few minutes, lands his finish, but doesn’t get the job done.

         Hulk up, big boot, leg drop, three count.

         Fans go nuts, and so do I. But not in the same way.

And that, folks, is the magic formula that has made Hogan the richest wrestler in history. If you really cared, Orton landed the RKO, but Hulk didn’t kick out… he just had his foot on the ropes. You know, part of me thinks that’s Hogan’s way of putting someone over. And that part of me is right. Always.

Winner: BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAPPA BABAP!

There’s the dude with the giant Hulk Hogan back tattoo in the crowd. Maaaan… try explaining THAT one to your grandchildren.

A video package about a fanfest held recently is shown. You know, if the WWE insists on marketing itself towards kids, maybe they ought to have wrestlers who aren’t, you know, Ted DiBiase, Ron Simmons, and Jimmy Hart at these things. This would be like going to Chuck. E. Cheese and having Steely Dan play.

Backstage, Melina hypes up Foley by saying she’s too cool to hang out with losers. Ohhh, I get this relationship now… it’s the one set in high school about that bitchy egomaniac girl who’s everyone’s darling, and the awkward yet lovable oaf who does everything he can to gain her love, but at the end of the day, she doesn’t give a shit and uses him for car rides. The guy realizes this of course, and in an attempt to ignore the problem, begins writing for a wrestling satire site, where in he stays up till 2 in the morning writing PPV recaps when he has to be up at 6am to work a shitty job. Yeah, I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair, I Quit Match.

What a difference two months make. Back at Vengeance, these two fought in a 2 out of 3 falls match that no one could give two shits about. Now, after weeks of stellar promos and clever angles, this just might be the hottest feud in wrestling – coming from two guys who have both long since past their primes and one of which is barely an active wrestler. What has this taught me? If you’re not good now, stop doing it for five years, and then everyone else will suck so much, that you’ll be gold. Fuck university, wrestling teaches me everything I need to know! Now let me design that bridge!

Foley attacked Flair before the bell, and beat him down in the corner, landing his charging knee. You know, I’d think this move would hurt a lot more than Umaga’s running ass attack, but then again, those Samoans have parts of their bodies with are just infinitely harder than the average man. Sylvan Sez:

 

French Men have really hard parts, too…

 

 

 

 

Foley nailed Flair with the trash can, and applied Mr. Socko. With a Mic in hand, he asked Flair if he wanted to Quit. Flair said nothing, because a dirty appendage was jammed in his mouth. That’s a neat trick!

Foley wrapped Socko in barbed wire, but Flair grabbed Foley’s balls (insuring that he will, indeed, Have a Nice Day) and put on Socko himself, then the barbed wire back on it, and chopped Foley out of the ring. Would have looked a lot cooler if Foley didn’t have a shirt on, but then again, the idea of Foley without a shirt on just might more harmful than barbed wire across the chest.

Foley fought back with some rights, and found a barbed wire board under the ring. Never have I seen anything made of plywood and barbed wire, but what do I know, I only work in the construction industry. Foley raked the board over Foley’s face, and Flair, as per usual, is bleeding like a stuck pig. Question: Why is this pig bleeding, and where is it stuck? In traffic? To be bleeding because he always seems to catch the red lights seems a little dramatic, doesn’t it? Who does this pig think he is, Matt Hardy?

Foley nailed Flair with the board in the face, then across the back, and Flair is taking a pretty harsh beating here. Foley demanded Flair quit, but Flair said “kiss my ass”. Good thing this isn’t Foley VS Vince McMahon… otherwise they’d turn this into a two week long angle that’s predictable ended when Foley low blows Vince, who never saw it coming. Well, that’s par for the course really.. when you’re bending over, you rarely see it coming. Just sayin’.

Foley then broke the microphone over Flair’s head, and pulled out a bag of thumbtacks. How come no one ever questions why there’s all this lethal shit under the ring? I mean, imagine working in an office, grabbing a file from a drawer, and sticking your hand into a pile of dirty needles. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE AND H&R BLOCK!

Flair takes a man-sized bump when, wearing only his trunks, he takes a bodyslam into the tacks – sometimes, I think people forget that Flair is 57. Ric wouldn’t quit, so Mick tries to do the trick right quick with barbed wire baseball stick that sure has results that are sick. Hey, look, that last sentence had both rhyme AND reason! High five! .. come on guys, don’t leave me hanging!

Aaanyways, Foley grates the bat over Flair’s face, but Flair mule kicks him. Foley eats ring post (no, not literally. He’s fat, but not desperate) Flair took the bat, and hit Foley’s arm a bunch of times with it, until it started bleeding as well. There’s more blood here than at a girl with a blood clotting disorder’s prom night.

With Foley on the apron, Flair charged with the bat, and Foley fell right on to the discarded trash can. A “doctor” ran down to the ring and said the match was over, but then Flair got on the mic and said “This isn't a lay down on your ass match”. Someone should have told Kevin Nash that a long time ago.

Flair threw Foley back into the ring, rolling him on thumbtacks in the process. As Flair raked the bat across Foley’s face, he yelled at Melina (who ran down to the ring with the doctor) that he’ll “kill you too, bitch”. Flair nailed Foley with the bat, and Melina threw in a towel for him, saying “He quits”. Flair won’t accept it, and began to threaten to hit Melina with the bat, to which Foley promptly said “I Quit”. Awesome, nasty match, complete with a clever finish.

Winner: Ric Flair

Backstage, Vince said Foley is a loser, and talked about his “unlimited resources”. So, basically, the selling point of this match is that we’re gonna get a bunch of run ins. What the hell has this business come to?

King Booker w/Sharmell vs. Batista, World Heavyweight Championship

You know, the “All Hail King Booker” entrance has that same effect of that scene in Family Guy, when Peter scraped his knee and winces in pain for, literally, a minute. And hey, there’s more than that. Family Guy has a dog that talks, and WWE has a bitch that talks into the ear of her father to as to get her husband a perpetual push! Amazing!

Anyways, now that I’ve uttered the obligatory Steph joke, I suppose I should recap this match. Batista out powered Booker from the onset. Booker tried a shoulder block, but Batista no sold it, going like this:

Batista lands a spinebuster when Booker missed a spin kick, and Booker scampered out of the ring as DAVE set up for the Demon Bomb, and gave him a hot shot. (not this )

Since Booker is a heel, he locks in the basic chinlock of DOOM. The fans totally aren’t into this match, as both men don’t seem to be over.  God bless that brand split!

DAVE lands a big Belly to Belly for two, and Booker rolls outside. With Sharmell providing a distraction, Booker broke his scepter over Batista’s head, but it only got two. Chinlock follows, and the fans entertain themselves with a “She’s Got Herpes” chant. Hey, remember kids: If you have herpes, you can’t always rely on 15000 people to chant it as a way to warn your potential sexual partners. Be smart, be aware!

Batista fought out of the rest hold, and Booker missed the shuffle side kick and crotched himself on the ropes. Batista landed a side slam, (shades of Kevin Nash~!) and some clotheslines… and the fans are beginning to turn on Batista. Now watch Cole claim he’s “controversial”.

Booker gained control on the outside by hooking DAVE into the steps, and rolls him in the ring. Booker busts out the missile dropkick for two. Bookend gets the same result. Batista unties Batista’s laces, forcing him to bend over and retie them slowly as Booker bounces of the ropes, but Booker ties them quicker than ever thought possible, and steps out of the way. Batista curiously lands a jackhammer for two. Hosstacular offence follows, but Booker ducks a clothesline and lands a neckbreaker for another nearfall. Batista fought back with a Full Nelson Slam, and as he set up for the Batista Bomb, Sharmell ran in for the DQ. Fans weren’t into this match at all, and the ending didn’t help one bit.

You know, I thought I saw something curious as the DQ happened, and luckily, WWE.com caught a photo of it. Folks, here it is:

“Punk me out at a commercial taping, I grab your wife’s tit. Fair’s fair”

Winner by DQ: Batista

After the match, Booker knocked Batista down, but Batista still ended up giving him a spinebuster and a Demon Bomb (which he almost fucked up on) to send the 3 Smackdown fans home happy.

Backstage, HHH & HBK talk to someone hidden from our view that Vince says that Umaga is the “biggest Monster in the WWE”. Shawn & Hunter left the ring, and this mystery man threw around stuff in the room to show he’s angry. I swear, if the WWE tried to be any less subtle, their PPV voiceover guy would say “COME PAY FORTY DOLLARS TO SEE A DISQUALIFICATION AND THEN SEE A BETTER MATCH FOR FREE THE NEXT NIGHT ON TV”.

Degeneration X (Triple H & Shawn Michaels) vs. Vince & Shane McMahon.

As DX walks down the ramp, HHH does the Hogan taunt, but Shawn is all like “Dude, he’s still pissed at me for basically calling him a douchebag the night after last summerslam” and Hunter is all like “Yeah, that was kinda cool” and Shawn is all like “heh, it was, wasn’t it?” and Hunter is all like “Oh man, you know what we be cooler? If we mocked the Outsiders too” and Shawn was all like “Aww yeah, lets do it!” and then Hunter was all like “Dude that so rad, we sure showed those washed up losers who’ve relied on the same gimmick for too long” and Shawn was all like “got that right” and Hunter was all like “ARE YOU READY?”

The McMahons make their way out, but on the ramp, they pause and out runs the SPitit Squad, who promptly get buried by DX for the 86.751th time. Out next are Kennedy, Regal, and Finlay, because there’s so much heat between these guys. Unlike the squad, these guys actually get a few licks in, but not for long. However, next out is Big Show, who beats on HBK as the three Smackdown guys beat on Triple H. I couldn’t help noticing that HBK is getting owned by one guy that Triple H has already beaten cleanly many times, while Hunter had to get beat up by three men, two of which he’s never faced. Clearly this isn’t implying anything.

Anywho, HBK takes the Cobra clutch backbreaker, and the hoglock/final cut with the leg/elevated leg drop/this isn’t contrived at all from Big Show, and then Show chokeslams Triple H through an announce table. In this brawl, The Spirit Squad ceased to exist. If only that was permanent.

This seemed to appease Vince, as he called off the attack, and let the match officially begin. Vince, you truly are a genius… you send some of your employees to do your work for you? No business man had EVER thought of that before~!

The McMahons called off the troops, and Big Show & the Smackdown Trio headed to the back.  Triple H was laid out on the floor.  Vince deadpanned "Oh, that's bad".  Michaels was crawling up in a corner in the ring.  The bell rang to start the match. 

Vince & Shane doubled teamed HBK for a while with typical “we don’t really know how to wrestle, but we’ll be damned if we don’t pretend” clotheslines and such. HHH began to get up off the floor, but Shane fixed that by kicking him. Kicking: Solves all of life’s problems. Accidentally got your girlfriend preggers? The kick is up… AND IT’S GOOD!

In the ring, the McMahons dished out some classic double team spots, including a double suplex, Demolition Decapitation, Hart Attack, and Doomsday Device on Shawn. For the average wrestler, this would be infringing on their gimmicks. But for Vince & Shane? Hell, they probably legally OWN these moves now. I’m pretty certain that by now, anything Vince does, he owns. Like Candice Michelle.

HBK landed a double clothesline, and made the hot tag to Hunter, who came in and delivered all of his standard spots. Shawn landed the elbow drop, and the clotheslined Shane & Himself out of the ring as Hunter went for the Pedigree. This brought out Umaga, who’s quickly becoming the most lethal hitchhiker in wrestling history, and he poked Hunter’s throat. SELL IT! SELL THE THROAT! SELL IT MORE THAN A CRACK WHORE WITH A POWERFUL SET OF LUNGS, BY GAWD.

This brought out Kane, who brawled with Umaga all the way to the back. Vince covered Hunter, but only got two. Vince, surprised at this, decked the referee. Triple H, not putting over someone’s finish? No shit, Sherlock.

Shane then set up HHH for the Van Terminator, but HBK saved it when he superkicked Shane in mid-air. Looked good, but not quite as good as when Shelton Benjamin took it. Hunter then leveled Vince with the trash can, and landed the pedigree for the win.

Winners: DX.

After the match, HBK could barely lift his arm for his pose. Drat, and just as these guys were doing new & original stuff, too!!!

Edge w/Lita vs. John Cena, WWE Championship, title can change hands on a DQ or countout

Question. If, by chance, a co worker of yours slapped your father, would you:

a) Call the police & press charges

b) Wait for your co worker to show up and beat the crap out of him

c) Console your father with an ice pack while your co worker shows a video of the event to millions of people

If you chose c, you are an over-exposed douchebag who’s gotten too far on such little talent.

Anyways, typical Cena domination to begin the match. Edge puts over the stipulation of the match, when he stops himself from being whipped into the referee. Cena, overwhelmed by the pure energy of hip-hop, runs into the ring post, and falls to the floor. CURSE YOU, DR. DRE, AND THE UNIVERSITY YOU GOT YOUR DOCTORATE FROM!

Edge took over from here, even landing a nice spinning heel kick for two. Fans seem to be cheering for Edge a little now, and booing Cena. Hmm.

Cena avoided a count out, but whiffed on a cross body attempt. Fans are chanting for Cena, but then the men pick up on this and begin chanting Cena Sucks. Well, at least he can draw a reaction. I just wish he could draw himself out of the title picture. Edge lands a big aboot for two, and heads to the top. Cena cuts it off, but Edge battles him off and lands a top rope clothesline for two. Edge makes Cena humble with a camel clutch. Using his “superhuman” strength, Cena stands up and drops Edge to the mat. You know, if I had super human strength, I’d probably find a better use for it… like NOT throwing lanky Canadians around a wrestling ring. Cena lands the throwback, and we have a double KO… SPIDER!

Lita threw Edge a chair, but not wanting to get DQed, Edge threw it aside… which allowed Cena to Predictable Up and land a bunch of clotheslines, Protobomb, and the 5 knuckle shuffle. On the FU attempt, Edge reversed to the Edgecution DDT, but it only gets two. Edge climbed the turnbuckle again, and Cena cut him off again, seemingly going for a top rope FU, but Edge reversed that into a potential Electric Chair Drop. Little known fact: Edge once used that as a finish. It’s funny, cause Canada doesn’t have death sentences, so since he clearly doesn’t know how one works, that’s why he got it reversed into a victory roll for two. Edge went to the top rope AGAIN, landed a crossbody, but Cena rolled through and much like Lesnar/Orton from way back before Orton pissed us off, got Edge on his shoulders for a potential FU. However, Edge got out of it, and sent Cena into Lita’s general direction. Cena stopped, probably because he could smell her a mile away. Edge, however, after years of living in the Canadian tundra, has had his nasal passages frozen shut and ended up accidentally hitting Lita off the apron, which allowed Cena to get a near fall. Edge came back with the Edge-o-matic for two, and then lined Cena up for a spear. Silly Edge.. Canadians don’t use spears! We use harpoons! Oh, speaking of poon… Lita’s still on the outside. Ha ha. Clever?

On the spear attempt, Cena drop toe (held?) Edge to the ground and locked in the STFU. Lita got up and was about to break the hold, but Edge told her not to and managed to get to the ropes.  \s Cena got pried away from Edge, Lita slid some brass knuckles on to Edge’s hand. Cena ducked, and had Edge up for the FU. Lita, for whatever reason, jumped on Edge’s back. I guess she figured it was her turn to be on top?

Anyways, Cena got Lita off (heh heh) but couldn’t hold on to Edge. As the referee ushered Lita out of the ring, Edge nailed Cena with the brass knuckles, and got the three count.

Winner: Edge

 

After the match, Cena sat in the ring, and looked really sad. Aww, muffin.

 

Show Highlight: Foley/Flair, without a doubt. Severely entertaining match that proved that today’s wrestlers are too fucking generic. Also, Flair is a fucking MACHINE for putting himself in that situation, with such little protection. And he’s freakin’ OLD. Awesome stuff.

 

Show Lowlight: It’s a toss up between Booker/Batista and Sabu/Show. Fans weren’t into either match, and the execution came off poorly. Batista just isn’t over anymore, and needs a heel turn. It should have been RVD/Show, which would have served the WWE fans well. Special mention goes to that ridiculous Diva segment, which seemed so out of place.

 

Overall show thoughts: Entertaining show. I have to say that the WWE came through tonight, and when you look at the card, there’s not a single weak match (on paper). There was no useless diva match, or heatless tag title defense. Tonight, they offered us it’s best, and I can’t knock them for that. I can’t say it was a well wrestled PPV, but that’s really not the focus. The booking for this show was pretty good, even though I didn’t like the cheap DQ for the World Title match. All in all, we had 3 solid matches, an entertaining Hogan match, and an overbooked-yet-fun tag match. Can’t complain about that. Thumbs up.

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).