Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


Sean Carless

Hey all, I'm your venerable party host Sean Carless, and this is your rant for Summer Slam. The best way to spend your summer according to WWE; providing you have no wife, friends or life to be spoken of. I wonder if WWE meant to make me this depressed.


Anyway, what are we waiting for! It's SUMMER SLAM! A night built entirely around two dudes who for all intents and purposes look like a Hair Club ad for "Before" and "Way Before!" Plus, angry atrophied Olympians look to murder the mentally handicapped! An Animal battles a God that I suggest might be a little more forgiving of Sodom & Gomorrah!  Adultery is settled the old fashioned way: WITH BODYSLAMS! And a child goes home with the first diminutive Mexican to climb a ladder. It's as true to life as you get. And I can't think of a better way to spend a summer! Ok, I lied. I really can. But no one really likes me, so I have little choice. Oh well.


Onto the show~!

Tonight’s show comes to us from the nation’s capital!... and just incase you forgot what country you've lived in your entire fucking life, here’s Lillian to sing the national anthem! And hey, look, there’s the Navy something or other! How patriotic! Apple pie for everyone! Except for you, fatso. You eat too much as it is.



(C) Orlando Jordan w/ U.S. Belt and grandiose pubic thatch atop his head Vs. Chris Benoit w/o tooth. : U.S. Heavyweight Title at stake


And we’re off! ……..And we’re done! New U.S. Champion in about 25 seconds. OJ just got in one punch and an Ali shuffle before taking a quick German (not this. ) and tapping instantly to the crossface. Wow. Even Muhammad Ali, inventor of said shuffle, would have lasted longer in there than OJ just did. Of course, he'd probably be tapping too, but you'd really have no way of knowing if that was him quitting or just a flurry of Parkinson's. Wait. What were we talking about again?


Oh, ya. OJ's reign is finally over! Thank God. Obviously WWE actually started watching their shows and saw the proverbial Wild West tumbleweed that usually accompanies Jordan to the ring. Good decision. All that's left now is for WWE to totally repackage OJ. And by repackage, I mean seal him in something inescapable and drop him to the bottom of the Ocean. I'll understand if my suggestion falls on deaf ears, though. Oh well.


Winner: Ron and Nicole! Justice is finally served! Ahem.

/5 (just because)


-Eddie Guerrero is backstage when he’s joined by his wife Vickie.  Vickie begs Eddie not to go ahead with this custody match and pleads for him to come to his senses, stating that the Eddie she knows has a big heart. Holy shit, a big heart? Get this dude to a hospital! That shit can't be too healthy.


[Sean's note as of 2006: Shit. Didn't see that coming. I feel terrible.  Although, you do have to marvel at my somewhat sweet prognostication abilities. What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]

Matt Hardy Vs. Edge w/ Lita (and sexual contagion?)


According to J.R., this whole match is built around the fact Edge ruined and I quote, "Matt’s chance to ever have a family". Apparently no one ever told Matt that his sperm can actually impregnate more than one woman. Poor Matt. I don't know how any woman would EVER want to leave him based on his proficiency at the shocker. It's a head-scratcher.


Anyway, the shit is on, as Matt wastes little time, and the two exchange some pretty stiff shots, while resisting the urge to ruin the "shoot" atmosphere by breaking out some really lame WWE-esque contrived spots. "MAN, I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE, I THINK I COULD JUST GINGERLY HIP TOSS YOU, OR MAYBE EVEN PLACE YOU IN A CHINLOCK SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY WRATH~!!!!". Yup.



In one cool spot, Edge spears Matt who was standing on the apron, and both spill violently to the floor. Ouch. However, if you REALLY wanted to hurt Matt, I’d suggest maybe breaking his fingers, that way he couldn’t type on the Internet anymore. But hey, that's just me. Back inside, Edge ends up back body dropping Matt face first into the turnbuckle post, then laying in some really stiff kicks that open up Matt’s head, as many morbidly obese teenage girls across the country likely pass out in horror at the visual. Or maybe due to all the blood leaving their heads to go to their stomach to help digest the huge meal they likely just put away. It's hard to know. I'm no doctor. 


Anyway, the ref tends to Matt from there, but Edge lays in one more stiff shot, so the ref calls for the bell? Whatinthefuckyousay? Wow. All of a sudden I get the image of Vince, Steph & Johnny Ace waiting for Matt backstage with a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and some lime.

In any event, after the match, the officials carry Matt Hardy to the back, beaten and bloodied. JR then astutely points out that Matt Hardy did not die. Quick, someone get this man a medical license! It's really that easy.

Winner: ADULTERY! (and Edge)

/5 (For what we did see)


-Wow, two matches thus far, clocked in at a total of barely five minutes total? You’d think a couple of egomaniacs were on top tonight and demanding all the time! *Ahem*.


-Highlight package for Rey Vs. Eddie. The best way to get back at a former friend is to demand custody of his child. Ya, that'll show him. Paying palimony is always the BEST revenge. Good thinking, Eddie.


 Anyway, after the video, Cole says that he knows what Mysterio is going through, because he has two adopted sons of his own. Huh. I guess it kind of makes sense. You actually have to have sex with a real woman to have children. Or at least one that doesn't require a patch kit bi-weekly.


That said, the social worker brings Dominick to ringside. And you know, somehow, I don’t think basically winning a contest is legal grounds for adoption.  “Hey, your honor, that kid is MINE, I won a game of horse-shoes fair and square!”. But if it was, and I was a parent, I'd always be challenging various friends and neighbors to these types of matches...then purposely losing. Just about the best way to get out of buying Christmas presents I can think of. Suckers.




Rey Mysterio Vs. Eddie Guerrero; Ladder match for custody of Dominick. (maybe the single dumbest thing I’ve ever written).



This match would mean so much more if Dominick himself was dangling from the ceiling, no? I mean why not? If they can get Judy Bagwell's big ass up on a pole (likely the only one to come in contact with her since spawning Buff), surely Dominick can take one for the team and ride a cable?


Anyway, I’d call this match hold for hold, but I, umm, don’t want to? That’s right. Instead, I’ll just point out the best highspots and try and tell the story.


Both men absolutely pulverized each other with the ladder, and the irony is, even though the two blew a few spots (namely one where Rey back body dropped Eddie off the ladder, then fell awkwardly back first into a second ladder that was laying precariously) they ended up being much more brutal visuals than what was originally intended, so everything equaled out.


Another absolutely awesome spot saw Eddie place the ladder, wedging it on the top rope, and when Rey tried to run at Eddie and attempt a potential frankensteiner, Eddie powered through and dropped Rey-Rey face first into the ladder! At this point, Eddie looked to have things won, and climbed the ladder, only to see Dominick run in and try to tip Eddie over! (obviously Dominick didn’t hear about what happened to the last guy to try and do that to Eddie…).


However, Guerrero hilariously climbs down and says "you never tip someone off a ladder!" before asking him to give him a hug because he’s his new Daddy. I think Feinstein uses that as a pickup line. Anyway, Eddie looks like he’s about to give Dominick five across the eyes (which since Rey isn't his *real* father actually have fucking pigment. Lucky him.), but Rey makes the save. As only a father desperately trying to win an adopted child by climbing garage-based home improvement apparatuses can.


 Anyway, more carnage with the ladder ensues, including a ladder assisted 619 (Rey swung his feet into the ladder that in turn crashed into Eddie’s head) along with perhaps one of the coolest visuals I’ve ever seen as Rey is hanging from the cable after climbing the ladder, and as he let’s go and falls, Eddie catches him, and powerbombs him! Sick stuff.


Anyway, after some more back and forth, Eddie gets the advantage and hits the three amigos (with the last on the ladder) before pinning the ladder over Rey’s torso and climbing up, for the potential easy win. HOWEVER, Vickie Guerrero runs-in (waddles in?) and tips Eddie off the ladder, causing him to crash violently into the ropes. This assist allows Rey to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase containing the “custody papers”, while Vickie attached herself to Eddie like a spider monkey, preventing him from stopping Rey. What a shame. I can only hope the next time I’m trying to steal my former best friend’s son by climbing a ladder, that my wife is there to support me. I mean, if you can't trust your wife to support you in the legal kidnapping of a diminutive Mexican boy, what's the point of even getting married?


Winner: Rey Mysterio. How wholesome.  Dominick is back where he belongs! Even if he is going home with a father with no eyes and who always wears a mask. Wait. Isn’t that something that Children’s Aid worker should be looking into?


-Backstage, Tard Grisham is with Chris Jericho. Y2J insists that he’ll win the WWE Title tonight, and that Cena’s fad will end like the way the New Kids on the Block fade away. Ha. BREAK THE WHALBERG DOWNNNNNNNNNN.


Kurt Angle Vs. Eugene w/ Christie Hemme, Gold medals, and an unnamed medical calamity.


First, it must be said: Washington D.C. completely turned on Eugene. But I can’t say I blame them. They already have to put up with the antics of one retard in this town, so hey, it's understandable.


Anyway, just in case you were wondering how the mongoloids that do the power lifting in the Special Olympics would fare against standard Olympic athletes, you got your answer. (not fucking great.)  Anyhoo, Angle dominates Eugene, and proceeds to beat the retard out of him. Eugene gets a couple of hope spots, hitting both a Rock Bottom and a Stunner, but neither gets the job done.  From there, Angle snaps, hits the Angle-slam, and finishes with the anklelock in convincing fashion. After the match, Angle kicks over a UNICEF tray, tips over a D.A.R.T.S bus, and pimp slaps Corky from Life Goes On, just because he can. Anyway, Angle then re-enacts his Olympic ceremony post match (sans broken freakin’ neck) and demands the referee place the medals around his neck as he stood on a chair. Awesome. The next time I grievously maim a disabled person, I think I too will insist on this ceremony.

Winner: Kurt Angle. He likes bestiality sex and killing retards. But then again, don’t we all.



-Backstage, we see the Divas washing a limo. It’s a lot like the movie The Bikini Car Wash Company, only without the big bare titties, and simulating screwing dudes while obviously sitting on their stomachs. But we take what we can get, right? Anyway, we pan along the limo and see a seal that reads “President of the United States”. The limo power window then rolls down and Vince is in the limo as he shrugs his shoulders and says “hey, why not?”…. before we finally pan to a bumper sticker that reads “McMahon for President”. Awesome. However, truthfully, Vince should know that the American people would never elect a megalomaniac who inherited much of his position from his Father; and a man who has his own twisted view on the world and is unrelenting in forcing this particular vision on other people. Not ever. And definitely not twice. No sir.


[Sean's note from 2006: I can't believe they never ran with the Vince for President thing as an actual angle. Damn them for depriving us of some great potential material! Well, with that said, in the Summer of 2005, I actually speculated as to what a potential Vince McMahon Presidential campaign would look like (before this ever even happened). I'm now going to once again list those policy changes I expected Vince would implement if ever elected. Here we go~!:


-Cut off all relations to places like Japan, because the majority of the population is under six feet tall.


-Raises taxes 300% to pay for the 350 billion dollar Diva search.


-Changes the country's name to United States Entertainment.


-Hires the Bashams to head up the secret service. He's subsequently assassinated inside 10 minutes.


-Has Stephanie rewrite the constitution and Bill of rights and remove all continuity and add more jokes with “poop” and “asses”.


-Retools the military, replacing hand to hand combat and weapons with moves like the scissors-kick, while desperately hoping the enemy has the decency to stay bent over upward of 30 seconds so they can pull it off.


-Every female in his cabinet will go on a brief leave of absence then return with larger breasts then they previously had.


-Charges 40 dollars plus tax to hear the State of the Union Address. Subsequently schedules 15 addresses for 2006-2007.


-Attorney General Jerry Lawler has the national age of consent lowered to twelve or "whenever it is when they get boobs".


-“Inexplicably” plans nuclear missile testing for Nashville & Orlando.


-Has the United Nations officially disbanded when several of the other countries don’t say “Hello” to The Undertaker and shake his hand.


-Agrees to Canada’s terms over softwood, only to double cross them with the help of Earl Hebner and Shawn Michaels.


-Creates a controversial new economic system: “Thuganomics” where the money of small children and overweight teenaged girls “trickle down”…into his pockets.


-Declares war on both France and Quebec. Just because.


-Misunderstands the 2nd amendment, and changes it to the “Right to Bare Arms”, encouraging people to wear tear-away muscle shirts.


-Hires Jake Roberts to head up the new and approved D.E.A. Drugs subsequently disappear completely from the streets, only to later end up in Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to destroy them …eventually.


-At the behest of Jim Ross, Vince reinstates the Government Mule program.


 -Finally has the Twin Towers rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and Akeem.


-Deals with World Diplomacy by staging a skit where Bin Laden has Saddam Hussein’s head pulled from his ass.


There we go. I feel a lot better now.].



The Undertaker Vs. Randy Orton. ELECTRIC BOOGALOO 



Legend Vs. Legend killer. Body bags versus. …violated gym bags? Maybe? One thing I do know however is that Undertaker is having a serious identity crisis. You can just tell by looking into his sorry doe eyes that he desperately just wants to ride his motorcycle again, chew some tobacky, and use redneck lexicons like “my yard” and “soup bones”. I mean, if he was really serious about prepping your loved ones for their final resting place, would he really wear shoot-fighting gloves? I don’t know about you, but unless my fucking Mortician’s last name is Gracie, I’d prefer he not use those when gently fishing around my grandfather’s guts getting him ready for show.

Undertaker begins working Orton’s shoulder early, and one would think this would lead somewhere but one would be fucking stupid I guess. In any event, after taking a serious pounding early, Orton finally gains the advantage by countering “Old School” into a wicked arm drag that sends the Deadman flying. Taker then rallies soon after and mows Randy down with a big boot. After some more back and forth, Orton gets a great spot in when he catches Taker with a sick DDT as Taker’s legs were elevated in the ropes… but alas this only gets two. The two then repeat their tombstone spot from Mania with each man reversing the hold until Orton finally floats over and gets his patented backbreaker/neckbreaker combo. Orton then goes upstairs and hits a beautiful crossbody, which Taker then rolls through, before goozling Orton and squashing him with a chokeslam. From there, Taker signals for the tombstone, but there’s an old man in the ring! Oh noes! A man of that advanced an age has no business being in there! Unless he's wrestling in tonight's Main Event. Then it's Ok. Clearly.


The referees and officials then try to get him out, with even Taker pushing him aside gently, with the usual patience and compassion zombies are known for, but of course this is merely distraction enough for Orton to quickly catch Taker with the RKO, and pick up the win. Yes the win. By Pinfall. Seriously. No caskets. No fire. No 15 unrelated dudes picking up shovels nonsensically just because they get the sudden urge to spontaneously bury Undertaker alive..for no reason. Not even.

After the match, Orton catches up with the old man, who then pulls off a rubber mask to reveal….











DR. PEYTON WESTLAKE! The Synthetic Skin is finally a success!

Ok, I lied. It was just Cowboy Bob Orton. Gooched.


Winner: Randy Orton.


-Tazz and Cole point out several Politicians in attendance, including the current and former head of the Republican national committee. The two men subsequently get booed by the crowd. Huh. Apparently dude’s who paint their fat guts and wear double-barrel beer helmets don’t like preppy rich guys. who'd have thunk it?

-Jericho runs into Bischoff backstage where Eric wishes him well and the two share a moment. Brothers don’t shake. Brothers gotta hug!


Y2J Vs. (C) John Cena For WWE Championship.


Ah, yes. Eric Bischoff's grandiose plan to stop, and I quote "THAT STREET THUG, JOHN CENA!" Heh. Street thug? Do they even have streets in fucking farm country? I guess "Dirt Road Thug" just doesn't have the same ring. But he be straight up thug, yo. Direct from South Central... West Newbury. A place where there's a pusher on every corner! (lemonade) Consistent drive by's (old people slowly circling the neighborhood looking for the very best deals at Yard sales! And graffiti everywhere you turn! (the community for Christ wall mural). IF YOU CAN SURVIVE THESE STREETS, YOU CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING, YO.


Anyhoo, the big story in this match is the fact that this will be the last time we see Chris Jericho on PPV for a long time. Another interesting quirk to this one was the fact that the crowd was split 50/Fiddy? for both men with competing “Let’s go Cena! Let’s go Jericho!” chants.  With that said, Jericho is the aggressor early on, working over Cena in the ring, before tossing Cena to the floor and strangling him with the microphone cable. I can relate. I too feel like doing this during certain rap songs. Anyway, back inside, both continue to go at it, until Jericho muscles Cena up top for a HUGE superplex, but Cena is out at two. From there, Cena soon rallies and mows down Y2J with a flurry of the clotheslines (The crowd is now booing some of John’s comebacks) but misses his flying shouldertackle, allowing Jericho to hit the bulldog, but miss the Lionsault; however he lands on his feet, takes Cena down with a roll through, and applies the Walls… but Cena muscles out.  The only other Rapper with that kind of leg strength is Hammer. That's why he wears those pants. His legs are like 36 inches in diameter. Trust me. Stop. Hammertime.


Eventually, Cena ends up working Jericho into the ropes, then crushes him with an impressive flying leg drop as Jericho was balancing between the middle and top ropes. Jim Ross calls it West Newbury Jam. Which I understand you can find cooling off in farm house windows along with huge apple pies in West Newbury. Holy shit, WWE. Seriously? Street Thug? Come on.


 Cena then looks to finish with the FU but Jericho counters that into a modified tornado DDT. The crowd at this point is totally for Jericho, even booing Cena’s offense as he hits the protobomb and looks for the five-knuckle shuffle…only Jericho somehow springs to his feet, snatches Cena’s legs and applies the Walls. The crowd is now virtually begging for a Y2J tap-out win, but Cena is somehow able to crawl to the ropes, even after Jericho had dragged him back into the center of the ring. Jericho then argues with the official about whether John submitted or not, before charging at Cena who scoops Jericho into a sidewalk slam position before turning him around and placing him on his shoulders for the FU and follow-up pin to retain the title!

Winner and still Champion:  John Cena, yo.  Anyway, the crowd was hot for Jericho here, but that was mostly due to the fact that it’s pretty damn hard to hate Y2J these days. But the reaction still came off as a surprise as Cena up to this point has pretty much been bullet proof. (which will likely come in handy in his Rap career. Ask Tupac…. Or not.).




JBL Vs. (C) Batista: No Holds Used match for World Heavyweight Title.


From pushing in other dude’s stools, to getting non-stop pushes, it’s JBL!  Hey, I know, I know. But when Edge admitted that JBL soaped his ass in the shower once, it all but sealed the deal for me on a lifetime of jokes. Deal with it.


So, ya, this is a No Holds Barred Match.  An no, the winner is the not the first man to actually sit through the entire Hulk Hogan movie of the same name without killing himself. Although, clearly, that have had been more grueling and career shortening.

Anyway, WWE apparently learned their lesson from last month, where the "Wrestling God" punished us for our sins in an ABYSMAL match with Batista, (I'd have preferred locusts, but hey, whatever) because now, JBL is here to PERFORM A HEAVENLY MIRACLE and have a great match with BIG DAVE~! And he does this by doing what he does best, and that's basically falling through shit, which at this point is pretty much his trump card.


Anyway, JBL wastes no time in attacking Batista who had just completed his complimentary hometown dedicated cabbage-patch in mid-aisle. DAVE responds by clobbering JBL with a fire extinguisher while JBL counters that by ramming Batista into a production box. From there, the two brawl through the crowd, before DAVE spears JBL through the security barrier, as Cole babbles on something about Animals running wild and some such. But hey, this is the same dude who said a steel cage was carnivorous, so what does he know about fucking biology? Other than the fact that both he and Carnivores have one thing in common. A taste for men. Anyhoo....


The two continue to brawl on the floor where DAVE gets posted, before getting rolled back into the ring. From there it’s all JBL, who drops some elbows, and hits a short arm clothesline while yelling “No Holds Barred!...well, except 450 splashes off the top rope, piledrivers, and any moves that can cause permanent damage to the neck, as decreed by Linda McMahon!” Ok that last part was bullshit, but still true.  Anyhoo, JBL gets his hands on a belt and chokes DAVE with it, until the Animal counters with a back suplex that breaks the choke.


Batista goes on brief offense from there, whipping JBL with the belt, then charging JBL, who unfortunately catches DAVE with a big boot before killing him dead with the Clothesline formerly from Hell now relocated to New York City. However, DAVE still kicks out at two. JBL, now incensed, rolls out to the floor to get the steps. He sets them up inside and looks as if he’ll powerbomb DAVE onto them, but Batista counters before he can, with a back body drop. Big spinebuster by DAVE follows, followed up by a Batista Bomb...however, DAVE doesn’t cover. The crowd looks confused as does DAVE, who looked like he spent about 20 minutes hot-boxed in RVD’s dressing room. The crowd then chants “one more time” so Batista Batista-bombs JBL on the stairs…and pins him where he landed for the win.


Winner and STILL champion: BATISTA, the hometown boy! Hey, wait. I thought Batista was from deep below the Ohio river? You know, before being dredged up in a Satanic ceremony? Surely Jim Cornette wouldn’t lie about such an obviously believable origin in OVW? Right?  KAYFABE 4 Life, baby.


-HBK and Hulk Hogan highlight video plays. And ya, apparently that tag match at Backlash 2005 never took place, EVER.  You know, featuring that "Arab American" fellow you’re not supposed to remember? Anyway, WWE revisionist history will now show that HBK begged Hogan for “one more match” for a meaningless throw-away tag match on RAW. Good times. In a side note though, you’d think after having almost every single partner turn on him in the last 20 years that’d Hulk would learn to see it coming. In fact, I always wondered if this was indeed a family trait, as I pictured son Nick hanging out with buddies at school, when one of his friends suddenly clobbers him with a stool and tears the crucifix off his neck. There's a pretty good chance I've thought too hard about this...


Hulk Hogan w/ Big Man upstairs Vs. Shawn Michaels w/ son of said Big man upstairs. LEGEND Vs. ICON.


Hey, speaking of God, I wonder whose corner The Lord is actually in here? I mean, HBK puts him over like gangbusters these days, but he must be on speaking terms with Hulk if Hogan if he's allowed to call him “the big man upstairs”. Makes you wonder. But not too much....


Anyway, HBK comes out to a decent pop, followed by Hogan, who gets an over-the-top intro as an American flag, just big enough for Hulk to fashion into a dew rag for his gigantic swollen orange noggin, falls from the ceiling.

Lock up to start. Hogan immediately bowls HBK over with those 24 inch pythons, dude. In fact he does it three times. I’m starting to wonder if HBK has ever even watched a Hulk Hogan match. Next thing you know he’ll try punching him when Hulk starts shaking...


That said, HBK is frustrated and finally gains the advantage by kneeing Hulk right in his orange middle. HBK then lays in the chops and some boots. Hogan then rallies, hits a back body drop, and ends up clotheslining HBK over the top rope.  Back inside, Hogan is on offense (bruther) and lays in some chops to Michaels, before Irish whipping him into the corner causing him to spill over the top. Both men are now on the floor, and they brawl, where HBK ends up getting rammed into the post (bruther).  Back inside, HBK lays in some stiff punches, but gets shoved back, but he’s tenacious, and mounts Hogan again and continues a flurry until he draws blood from Hogan’s head, which considering the size of Hulk's might just be lethal. 


HBK follows that up with a sleeper, but you don’t put Hogan to sleep, bruther.  The other way around? sometimes. On the third check by the referee Hulk is up! Hulk tries to elbow out, but HBK holds on, so Hogan delivers a back suplex to Michaels that finally breaks the hold.  Both men up, HBK hits the flying forearm, then kips up, before going up for the flying elbow (as Macho Man cries a tear, his head held tenderly by Crush at what could have been) but it misses! Hogan up, blocks some HBK punches, and Michaels goes for a 2nd forearm but the Ref eats it along with Hulk. Michaels then looks like he’ll try another flying elbow attempt, but as the crowd chants “We want Bret” so Michaels stops and opts for a sharpshooter instead. Replacement ref slides in, but Hulkster, after struggling, finally reaches the ropes (bruther). HBK tries to apply the hold again, but Hogan kicks free, and knocks HBK into the 2nd ref who’s now out cold.


From there, HBK goes low on Hulk,  grabs a chair and clobbers Hogan with it. HBK then climbs up to the top, big elbow connects. HBK tunes up the band and gets Sweet chin music as the referee, now conveniently awake, makes the cover… 1…. 2…..

Oh, come on. You know how this story ends. A guy hits his finisher? On Hogan? Hello? No sale, my friend. Big kick out by Hulk, Hulk up, three punches o’doom, Big Boot, leg drop. 1,2,3. It’s over. The only time Hulk has ever been on his back was when he and his wife spawned Brooke and Nasty Nick, bruther. You should know better. (or Best…as Hulk apparently does.).


The crowd erupts, Hulk is posing, but here comes HBK, who then extends his hand in… friendship? HBK then audibly says: “I just had to know” to which Hulk answers,  “Yes, my head is really this fucking big.”

HBK: “Good stuff, thanks.”


Ok, maybe it didn’t happen exactly that way. But it should have. Anyway, Hogan looks on warily, and then decides, “sure, you just bagged me, and crushed my head with a fucking chair, but sure, we can be friends”… and the two shake! The Madness Messiah meets the Mania! (Bruther).


Winner: That stark ravin’ Hulkster, dude. Hulk may have the barn-door back, but he was definitely carried piggy-back style by HBK in this one. BRUTHER.


End show;


Final Thoughts: It’s funny; I’ve heard conflicting opinions on this show, with everything from terrible to awesome. I personally enjoyed it, and I think most would if they were not so poisoned by the Internet (but not this site, umm, keep reading us!!!!! We only joke about being contrary assholes! …Kind of!). In any event, I thought this was a good show, with some great surprises (the quick Benoit squash, the Cena/Y2J match, and Hogan going over clean). The only draw back was Matt Hardy who was buried so far tonight you can probably expect the V1 signal to pop up through the soil any day now in China. And from there, I'm sure Vince will have Edge waiting there to pin him. Trust me.


 Still though, over all, thumbs up here. And two big orange hands cupped to my ear. Bruther.


I'm Sean.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).