WWE SUMMER SLAM 2003:
It's Summer-time! And the living is easy. Pity you won't feel the same way after this fucking show is done.
We are LIVE from Phoenix, Arizona.... the only state stupid enough to give Ultimate Warrior citizenship. So there you go. Shattering the myth of "Parts Unknown" for good. And rightfully so. I always wondered when I was a kid why every strange monster in wrestling seemingly lived in the same town, and then went on to imagine said town. Can you imagine? Warrior, Demolition and Papa Shango all watering their grass on the weekends? Missing Link driving to church on sunday? The Warlord being a boyscout leader? (That W-wand would be awesome to roast shmores on). Kane going to PTA meetings? Parts Unknown. A REAL COMMUNITY.
Onto the show~!
Dudley Boyz vs. (C) La Résistance: World Tag team Titles.
Holy shit, speaking of "parts unknown", The Dudleys have apparently relocated to "New York City" by way of Dudleyville. Can't say I blame them. Living in a town only occupied by dozens of your brothers and sisters has got to be quite awkward financially around Christmas time. (not to mention the cost in furniture repair/replacement). And on a side note, God bless Bubba for sticking with that same first name despite now residing in fucking Hell's Kitchen. Ya, you'll last pretty long there, Bubba. Why don't you just throw a pillowcase on your head and drag a burning crucifix down 110th street while you're at it? Jesus.
There are only 7 matches tonight, so
they give everyone more time to work, or whatever it is La Rez is doing out there.
That said, La Résistance's timing has picked up somewhat; but I guess when Bubba all but threatens to fucking kill you at house shows, that tends to tighten up your game.
The Dudley's end up hitting a 3D on Dupree, but Grenier pulls the ref out before the count. This pleases Pat Patterson backstage who likely marvels at his speed to drag men away quickly against their wills, and he subsequently takes notes (while masturbating). Notes that are not pluralized because, fuck you, the 1st Intercontinental Champion doesn't believe in an "s" on the end of words. Don't go banana about it, though. That just the way it i. Anyway, this maneuver allows a "camera man" to slide in and cork D-Von, allowing Dupree to cover and La Rez to retain. After the match the camera man is revealed as "Rob Conway"... only they don't call him by a name yet, but rather that "Damn French sympathizer". Holy shit, his Mom must've really hated him to give him a name like that! His father Lt. Dan didn't care much for him either.
Oh, ya. Spike Dudley runs in and gets his ass kicked too. But hey, when you need back up, is whistling for a 150 pound dude really the best recourse? That'd be like heading into a gang fight, and calling in your paper boy to have your back. Just saying.
Winners and STILL Champions du monde: La Résistance. You know, I think this might be the first time a camera man has ever stepped out of the nexus of the universe and been acknowledged as actually existing in the WWE. But hey, don't get your hopes up there, bucko. Next time someone's getting ran over, shot, stabbed or set on fire on WWE TV, they'll be right back in their unknown plain of existence, just standing there filming the whole thing, doing nothing.
-Coach is backstage with the Dudleys. They put over La Rez and their willingness to do whatever it takes to win. No doubt. Clearly, this version of La Résistance is one that gets results, unlike their 1940's counterparts. And why not? If Patterson clung to their backs like a spider monkey couldn't break their spirits, I doubt the Germans would get the job done either.
-Backstage, Christian confronts Bischoff about being the Intercontinental champ and STILL not being booked in a pay-per-view match tonight. Bischoff blames Austin; saying Stone Cold booked Eric's match with Shane tonight in lieu of a Title match. Wait. I thought Austin was supposed to be the BABYFACE here? What did we ever do to deserve THAT?
Undertaker vs. A-Train w/ Sable
Hey, remind me to never take NYC's famous A-Train if they in fact in any way resemble WWE's version. And if they do, my god, they might want to think about maybe shaving that subway, because I guarantee you you'll probably add another 50 miles per hour to its top speed. It's just Science. You can't fight it.
Anyway, A-Train will be assuming the role of Kamala/Giant Gonzalez/Kama here; that being a big useless load who bounces Taker around for about ten minutes then teeters over, never to be heard from again. Undertaker sells the ribs and the referee actually gets bumped TWICE. Yes TWICE. IN THIS MATCH. Holy shit, I've heard of jumping the shark, but this is not only jumping it, but pulling it out of the ocean, and putting the boots to it until it dies. Anyway, while the ref is out, Train gets the Derailer, but Taker kicks out. Train then tries to use a chair on Undertaker, but he just kicks it back in Albert's face. Taker then attempts a tombstone, but when Train floats out and over, Taker transitions that into a choke slam and gets the pin. And now that this business is done, Sable can hopefully take Albert to the dude who does her Brazilians. The trick will be evenly spreading the wax on that 36" inch piece of Bristol board.
After the match, Sable breaks up Taker's attempt of a last ride on A-Train, then tries to seduce the Deadman; but he has nothing of it, and instead of umm, "burying a stiff" in her so to speak, he grabs a hold of her throat. But then, all of a sudden, Steph's music hits and BY GOD it's a FESTIVUS MIRACLE, because she's all healed up from her "internal injuries" as she runs in to take Sable down. Ya, those "internal injuries" just come and go ALL THE TIME. I ruptured my kidneys yesterday, popped some Advil's and WAS GOOD TO GO. It's as simple as that. Anyway, Steph and Sable go Huge Tit for Tat and the two roll around for a bit while Jerry Lawler no doubt masturbates under his desk. (probably the real reason the WWE tables are fully enclosed now).
Winner: The Undertaker, who celebrates with Stephanie. Ha. Apparently, her hatred for the woman sleeping with Daddy supersedes any sort of long term resentment for a dude who once kidnapped her, strapped her to a crucifix err, I mean SYMBOL, and tried to marry her in a dark Satanic ceremony. BYGONES ARE BYGONES! What a touching message of forgiveness and redemption this is! Across the land, stalkers and their terrified victims are likely joining hands in friendship, toasting their mutual hate for various family members significant others. We've seen something special here tonight. Clearly.
-Coach interviews some random dudes at ringside. YOUR WWE PPV DOLLARS AT WORK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Extra Matches? Who needs those? Jesus, WWE is like that Taxi driver who purposely takes a bunch of fucking side streets to bilk you, rather than just taking you straight home.
Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff: NO DQ, Falls Count Anywhere.
Ah, yes, the battle of the pudgy former WCW owners. Eric is of course wearing his maternity pajamas here, so you know he means business. Of all the slightly overweight martial artists out there, he's clearly my favorite. In fact, I often picture him having a pre-match warm up with nunchucks made entirely out of link sausages.
Anyway, the animosity in this whole umm, rivalry, stems from the fact that just last week on RAW, Eric apparently entered the McMahon home and VIOLATED Linda. Man. I can only imagine how much money it'd cost to have the Linda McMahon robot thoroughly cleaned after an event like that. Not to mention how many circuits were likely damaged. Maintenance like that can't be too cheap.
With that said, the shit is on, and I mean that almost literally. Shane takes it to Bischoff, almost entirely shattering the mythos of Karate once and for all. All we need now is for someone to just grab and kill Jean-Claude Van Damme in mid slow motion wheel-kick and the circle will indeed be complete. Anyway, when Bischoff looks just about done, JONATHAN COACHMAN runs in and turns on Shane! OH MY GOD. It's like Hulk Hogan in 1996 all over again! If you discount the fact that was incredibly significant, made money, and people actually fucking cared about it. Other than that though, it's clearly identical. This by gawd CHICANERY of course brings out Stone Cold who whips Coach's ass. But he can't touch Bischoff without provocation, so Shane pushes Bischoff into Austin so he can take him out with a stunner. I wonder if this happens with his girlfriends in real life? You know, he has a buddy come over when he's arguing with his old lady, who then purposely shoves the woman into him , so he can LEGALLY take her out? THIS SHIT HAS TO BE APPLICABLE IN REAL LIFE, DAMN IT.
Oh ya, after the stunner, Shane decides he isn't going to pin Eric in the ring, and instead drags him outside, and smashes him through the announce table with a big elbow, and pins him on the floor for the win.
Winner: Shane McMahon, who gets revenge for Mom's alleged rape by NEARLY KILLING HIMSELF. Hey, to me, that's like insisting on leaping from the roof of your house onto a would be attacker, as opposed to just shooting the fucker as they come through front door. But hey, whatever floats your boat, Shane.
- Backstage, Flair is with fellow Evolution member Randy Orton, and reminds him who is supposed to go over in tonight's Elimination Chamber. Hey, speaking of "Evolution", am I the only one who wants to see HBK form his own group called "Creation"? Then the two can feud extensively, until former wrestler The Missing Link is finally found to conclusively end their rivalry! It'll be AWESOME, and not at all lame and stupid. I'm telling you.
(C) Eddie Guerrero vs. Tajiri vs. Rhyno vs. Chris Benoit : Fatal Four-way for the U.S. Title.
You know, I think I hate this U.S. Title belt. It's damn ugly. Normally, you get a magic whip and a fucking Invisible plane when you wear something that looks like this, don't you? Eddie must be feeling gypped.
As for the match, well, there's four dudes here, so I guess that at least means we won't have to suffer through one guy pretending to be out-cold on the floor for ten minutes after one fucking move. It's funny how as soon as you add one extra guy to a match, their BLOWS BECOME LETHAL.
With that said, this was a very good match. Very fast paced, with all four men getting in their spots flawlessly.The end comes when first Eddie blocked a gore by Rhyno with the U.S. Title; Benoit then hits a diving headbutt onto Rhyno while Tajiri was tied to the tree of woe; but Tajiri escaped and broke the cover up. From there, Tajiri and Benoit went over the top simultaneously, allowing Eddie to hit a frog splash to the back of a prone Rhyno to retain.
Winner and STILL Champion: Eddie Guerrero! He Lies. He Cheats! He Steals! Steals? Huh. Maybe he should "steal" some Clearasil sometime. That shit on his back is getting nasty. Still though, great match. And you can't go wrong with any of these guys. They're all awesome.
-Video package for Lesnar/Angle. Included within is Lesnar destroying Zach Gowen, and breaking his umm, "leg", in essence crippling him. Heh. Turns out people actually frown on you abusing crippled people. I wish I knew this before. Could have saved me A LOT of grief with those Make a Wish Foundation people. Live and learn, I guess.
(C)Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE Title.
Michael Cole announces that tonight we'll be seeing THE REAL Brock Lesnar. Apparently the one we've been seeing is a ROBOT CLONE. Turns out WWE has been doing this for a while. In fact, WWE allegedly has a facility where they churn out completely identical robotic clones on a monthly basis. I believe they call it "OVW". We should be seeing some of these prototypes soon. But be CAREFUL. I've heard they have a tendency to SPINEBUSTER AND DROPKICK at random. They should have the bugs worked out soon, hopefully.
Anyway, I was surprised that they put this one on this early. However, I can't say enough good things about this match. Both men worked their asses off, and for my money (which is clearly worthless since I'm Canadian) this one actually surpassed their Wrestlemania effort. Wait. That explains why we haven't been seeing "the real Brock Lesnar" until tonight! Clearly, he was killed at Wrestlemania after that botched SSP. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Good thing they reanimated Brock in time for tonight's show! But I've seen enough movies to know that's not always a good thing. They'll know it's a mistake if Brock adds biting through skulls to his already stacked repertoire.
Pretty even match for the most part, but the tide turns when the Ref gets bumped. Angle then gets the Anklelock, and Brock taps, but there is no referee to see it. Vince ('cause let's face it, we haven't seen enough McMahon's tonight!) then saunters in and nails Kurt in the back with a chair. Lesnar follows that assist up by hitting an amazing F-5 on one leg (DO THE TRIBUTES TO ZACH GOWEN TRULY NEVER END!) but Kurt gets out at two... because, as his comeback from a broken neck in TWO FUCKING MONTHS proved, clearly he's the fasted healer alive. And if we ever see a dude in a kilt with a broadsword attack him, followed up by a nonsensical indoor thunderstorm a few minutes later, I think we'll know why. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE~!
Anyway, McMahon tells Brock to hit another F-5, but Angle counters into the anklelock out of it, and after nearly a minute in the hold, Brock taps out for the clean Angle win!
After the match, Angle attacks Vince, and gives him an Angle-slam, Or "Slam" as it's known in the Angle household, on a CHAIR that was set upright in the ring! Awesome. If only we could all attempt to murder our bosses. I know I would. But unfortunately, I work for myself and it doesn't exactly work out as well. But man do I have it coming. One of these days, I'll teach me for not giving myself a raise when clearly I deserved it. You'll see.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Kurt Angle; a man, who in certain light resembles a six foot penis. I blame this on the fact that his head and neck seem to have no differential in size. And with that said, I believe this to be the REAL catalyst for the Lesnar/Angle rivalry. You see, ever since I saw that photo of Brock and Kurt making out with each other, I have suspected that the two were possibly gay... you know, despite that being the exact definition of homosexuality. These emotions then confused both men; and rather than embrace their love for one another, and the various go-behinds and tight waists they could be exchanging in a secret mountain retreat somewhere, they instead opted to suppress these feelings and tried to destroy each other. But we know the truth. You're not fooling anyone. How tragic.
[Sean's note from 2007: Kurt & Brock hiding a secret gay relationship, and desperately wanting to hold each other in the MOUNTAINS? Where have we heard THAT before? What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]
-Goldberg is seen preparing backstage with phantom kicks and punches. Man, those invisible people are taking a real BEATING! Have some mercy, Bill!
Kane vs. RVD: NO HOLDS BARRED... minus the all important Tiny Lister jr. seeking his revenge months after the filming wrapped up.
The story of this match is the fact that Kane and Rob were once the bestest of friends, but Kane turned on him because, umm, actually, I have no idea why he turned on him. Maybe it's because Rob didn't want to grow a bowl-cut to be "Moe" to Kane's "Larry", after Kane unmasked revealing that exact haircut? I don't know. All I do know is I'm surprised WWE didn't write some completely ridiculous retcon to explain this feud; like Rob almost accidentally set the house on fire when he left his bong lit, and this brought back a flood of emotions for the Big Red Machine. Not that it wouldn't serve Kane right. For a dude traumatized by open flames, he's sure hung with enough potheads in this company...
Anyway, this match is of course "no holds barred", with even fewer used. Very sloppy match here. At one point, Kane tries to go up to the top for something ,then slips and violently tumbles out, getting his head caught in the ropes, and almost hanging himself. Got to laugh at the irony of "fire" not killing this dude, but a random clumsy tumble off the top rope getting the job done. And most ironic of all is he apparently had better balance while having his vision obstructed in a fucking mask for 6 years!
RVD comes back soon after, taking JR's advice to "destroy Kane's verticality". Wait, Is Verticality even a real fucking word? Holy shit! It is! Damn. I was hoping I could add further advice of Rob needing to grab some weaponality and try to knock Kane into unconsciousality, and get him into a state of horizontality where he could get the pin. *The following was brought to you by the precedent of fake words ending in "ality" as seen in the Mortal Kombat games.
Rob then hits some stiff kicks, and uses my earlier advice, bar the fake English, using a slew of chair-assisted offense on Kane, including a rolling thunder and skateboard. RVD then dusts off the old Van Terminator, but Kane avoids the contact by moving clear. Kane then drags RVD to the floor where he proceeds to tombstone him on the ring steps, before rolling him back in for the anticlimactic pin.
Winner: Kane. Poor Rob. It looks like he'll have to go out and buy a Zippo to light his joints from now on. Kane's days of lighting four of them at once by just raising his arms are sadly over.
Bischoff is shown backstage being treated for cuts when Linda comes in. And she's not even wearing her neck collar anymore, after, you know, having it BROKE AFTER BEING TOMBSTONED ON THE RAW STAGE. Man, if only Edge was a McMahon! He'd have been back before Wrestlemania! Anyway, Linda looks on, angry with Eric, as rape will usually do, and SLAPS Bischoff for umm, putting himself, umm, inside her? Dear God. Only in wrestling could raping someone only merit you a light slap on the face, and ZERO jail time. Clearly, Mike Tyson missed the boat by not signing a full time contract with WWF in 1998 when he had the chance....
-Ric Flair gets Triple H mentally prepared for his title match. A simple "you're fucking the boss's daughter, you'll go over" might have been a little more realistic. Ah, I kid. KAYFABE 4 life, baby.
(C) HHH vs. Goldberg vs. Y2J vs. Kevin Nash vs. Randy Orton vs. HBK: Elimination Chamber, World Heavyweight Title;
Having Nash, Y2J, HBK & Orton in here is the equivalent of having a bikini contest with four obese women, and Pamela Anderson and Yasmeen Bleeth. We all KNOW who it's coming down to here. But apparently, the reasoning for the chamber is because both HHH and Goldberg are injured and can't realistically carry a match.
With that said, Triple H is wearing elongated versions of his tights, because of a groin pull (I used to pull my groin all the time, but my Mom told me I'd get hair on my palms so I stopped). I'd be lying if I said they weren't completely fucking comical. In fact, with the iron cross and all, he kind of looks like a Nazi bike courier. And speaking of Nazi's, Goldberg just might be the only Jew alive, not only willing, but happy to enter something called an "Elimination Chamber". Good grief, man.
HBK & Y2J start things off with some fantastic exchanges. I could watch these two wrestle forever. Next out of the gate is Randy Orton, who is also surprisingly "on" given his relative big-match inexperience. Nash comes in next and goes to work...and by "work", I mean the same literal definition of someone on Welfare. He does as little as possible to earn an undeserved check. However, just as fast as he and his seemingly radioactive blond beacon of a head enter (I think this new hairdo could land planes and guide fucking ships safely into harbor), he's eliminated after HBK hits him with a superkick, and Jericho jackknife (SWEET IRONY) bridges him for the elimination. Nash, then furiously gets up and jack knife's Jericho, Michaels and Orton, then calls it a WWE career so he can put over The Punisher. Well, that was clearly worth the money. I think Nash may have worked like maybe 4 PPVs since resigning with the company in 2002, and 3 of those pay-per-views were fucking World Title matches! I think Big Kev just might be the bizarro world version of Milton from Office Space. He doesn't do ANY fucking work, and still gets paid for doing NOTHING. Sweet deal. God speed, Big Sexy.
Next up is HHH, and his orthopedic clam diggers, but HBK superkicks him back into his pod so he can buy some time. Goldberg finally makes his way in soon after, and destroys every one. Orton gets speared and pinned first negating the whole "protect Trips" storyline. Silly, Orton. Goldberg's people invented Creationism. Take this Evolution business elsewhere, mister. From there, Jericho also gets speared, but through one of the Plexiglas chambers. Ouch. HBK & Goldberg then exchange some offense before Goldberg spears and jack-hammers him. Y2J suffers much the same fate immediately after, and this leaves only H's and Goldberg remaining. HHH won't leave his pod, so Goldberg breaks it, slicing his leg in the process (Glass- 2 Goldberg- 0!). From there, Goldberg who is WAY over tonight, finally gets his hands on Trip's and manhandles him. It looks like Goldberg is about to finish H's with a spear when Trips pulls out a sledgehammer fed to him by Flair through the cage and nails him in mid charge, collecting the easy pin. Well, Trips really clocked in a barnburner here. Good thing the motherfucker's not getting paid by the hour. Steph'd go hungry. Wait. Maybe that's not that bad of a thing after all....
Winner and STILL World Champion: HHH. Loser: The IWC, clearly. Even a bandaged cock and the complete lack of mobility won't make this douche bag do a job.
After the match, Evolution hand-cuffed Goldberg to the chamber and bloodied him to close the show. A BLOND GUY WITH AN IRON CROSS ON HIS OUTFIT IS DESTROYING A JEW INSIDE A CHAMBER. What could possibly be misconstrued as offensive about this? [/sarcasm.] MOST.DEPRESSING.PPV.FINISH. EVER. [/Comic Book guy].
FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, outside of the Brock/Angle match which was AWESOME, and a decent four-way U.S. Title match, this PPV was about memorable as a night of passion with an ugly woman. Something that you aesthetically enjoyed at times, but at the end were sickened and wanted to forget completely. The Main Event was plugging along great, but then it ended in a whimper with some of the silliest booking ever. I guess we'll have to wait until Unforgiven to see Trips, who by that time will be encased in a giant black diaper, put Goldberg over. To be honest, I kind of wished they had thought outside the box and put Jericho or Michaels over, seeing how Trips and Goldberg seem to go down easier lately than a Hemophiliac playing Dodgeball. Oh well.
Still, two match rule permitting, I'll give it a thumbs up. But that thumb, well, he's going up under duress.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).