Anyhoo, this takes us to the subject at hand and probable fate of the Marine: WWE STRAIGHT TO DVDs. A look at *possible* future straight-to-rental movie vehicles for the WWE Superstars! And sure, some people will likely say “I see right through you, Sean! This is just another easy update, so you can just make a few pictures, and make fun of some people without really putting a hell of a lot effort into anything.” And to you I say, “Shhhhh. You’re ruining it for everybody!”

WWE'S STRAIGHT TO DVD RELEASES!

By Sean Carless

JURASSIC PUSH

Starring: Hulk Hogan, Animatronic Dinosaurs, and anyone stupid enough to sign a WWE Legends deal.

Tagline: 24 Inch Pythons > 100 Foot Long Dinosaurs, Dude.

Plotline: Vince McMahon creates a theme park, populated with Aging former WWF Superstars; but when a rival Island filled with Dinosaurs goes awry, Hulk Hogan and his crew are called in to thwart the ancient Lizards (not Jake Roberts).

TWF's Take: The Special effects here are just TOP NOTCH. I can't tell you how real it seemed seeing these majestic ancient creatures come to life again. And man, the Dinosaurs looked great too!

With that said, sorry to spoil it for anyone, but the climax is really one that needs to be seen, as Hulk battles a Tyrannosaurus; blocking the beasts third death strike, then unleashing the unstoppable Hogan offense, consisting of a big boot, thunderous bodyslam and crushing LEGDROP, that just by the sheer magnitude of Hulkamania alone, causes all the remaining dinosaurs to keel over dead! (much the way it likely happened millions of years ago. (Hogan was then wrestling as Sterling Golden.)).

KING OF KINGS

Starring: HHH, and the Kliq as the Disciples.

Tagline: This Time, There Is No "Good News".

Plotline: Hunter Hearst Helmsley's take as the savior of humanity; focusing on the life of the Son of God, and detailing his many miracles (One of which is pulling a credible match out of John Cena at Wrestlemania.)

Quirky Note: The entire crucifixion scene was removed, then completely rewritten, as Hunter believed the Romans and Pilate just weren't believable enough to "go over" yet.

TWF's Take: Man, and you thought he was in good with the Father before!

Anyway, memorable scenes for us, include his preaching at the mount of Olives, complete with 5 minute pre-sermon Motorhead (then known as Chariothead for obvious reasons) intro. The sermon itself seemed to rattle on seemingly forever though, as Jesus basically said the same thing over and over again. But hey, whatever. It's not like Simon Peter could carry the company! Anyway, this was all made up for during the famous wedding scene where normally Jesus turns water into wine, but this time, he opts to change the water's constitution into bottled Evian instead... then proceeds to spit it all over the Apostles. Great stuff.

REQUIEM FOR AN AMERICAN DREAM

Starring: Dusty Rhodes, WWE Creative, and a boatload of disappointed wrestlers.

Tagline: They're not on Heroin, but boy does their booking make you think that's the case.

Plotline: A group of bright-eyed young WWE creative team members slow decline into hallucinatory madness and addiction to terrible booking, under the eye of Stephanie McMahon and Dusty Rhodes.

TWF's Take: Maybe the most depressing story I've ever seen. Watching these people plunge into the addiction of ridiculous storyline writing was often at times really hard to take. You ask yourself, why these people would throw it all away for the Spirit Squad and the Boogeyman like that? If only someone had intervened earlier. We may have been spared the horrors of Dr. Heiney. If only.