BACON'S BIGTIME RÉPORT OF SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT AND SUCH.
[Editor's Warning: Bacon is a Moron. Any viewpoints or opinions
expressed are that of Canadian Bacon and do not necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan.com]
Hey there Baconfans, I'm Bacon and this is Bacon and this is Bacon's
Bigtime Réport of Saturday Night's Main Event and such as brought to you by me, Canadian Bacon; the man voted by the Dave
Meltzer as the greatest wrestling insider he's never read in his life!
Anyways, I decided to do this bigtime Réport because the evil dictator
that runs this site needed someone OBSCENELY IMPORTANT and knowledgeable and full of knowledge even to do it, and of
course he could only turn to one man. (ME, actually.). So here I am all awesome and such to give you full blow
by blow, but not too much blowing because I'm no Faggot!!!! Well, there was that one time where there was a misunderstanding
with an online squeeze and what turned out to be subterfuge and such as it pertains to their quote en quote "gender", but
I don't ever like to talk about it.
Welcome to Saturday's Night's Main Event! On tonight at 11:30, taking the place
of Saturday Night Live for one night. And I say ABOUT TIME. I means, who wants to sit alone on a Saturday night and watch
a once proud show ruined by terrible writing, a lack of star power, unfunny skits, all thrown together haphazardly at
the behest of an aging man whose revolutionary concepts have LONG PAST, and whose jaded view of entertainment is now
embarrassing? I'm so glad WWE came along to save us from all that!
Anyways, onto the show!!!!!111 And bears with me here, because I'm bigtime tired
and such and might get a few things out of order. But it's Ok, because with all my wrestling experience (I once knew a guy
who spilled the top scoop of his ice cream on the wing tip shoes of Former disgraced referee Danny Davis, so don't doubt my
credentials!!!!1111) I'm sure my version is like a baker's dozen times Awesomer!
Your hosts tonight are Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who I suspect if
he really had any real power as a monarch, he'd make a royal decree to lower the age of consent to 14 so
he could have sexy times without having to worry about getting a what for by the police. Clearly.
We are live from Toronto Ontario, the Capital of Planet Earth! And hey, weren't
they just in Toronto on Monday? Yeesh, Vince should actually think about taping this show right before RAW to save the effort
and trouble of bringing in the same exact crew of guys and fans to fill the same arena again twice
in the same week! It was nice though that everyone from Monday was allowed to have their same seats again, though.
Anyways, Ashley is out to announce because she's a hot skater chick, even
though I don't think her giant heavy implants would lend too well to the aerodynamics needed to properly control
a skateboard. That and she explodes into a fine dust every time she falls down. Oh well.
We then get a look at a John Cena package, and no I don't mean his genitals because that wouldn't prolly make it
to air. Although it'd prolly help his Mariney causes. What enemy wouldn't surrender immediately (unless we go to war with
San Francisco) after being chased by a naked man with a Frankenstein haircut? I'm terrified just thinking about it. Up
next we see a video from the Great Khali. Just a few years ago he was called the Okay Khali, but he trained really hard
to improve and eventually moved up in the Great rankings. I commend him.
John Cena The Marine vs. The Great Khali: Non-title WWE Title match of
The Champ is HERE! But hey, where else would he be? That'd be awkward. Anyways,
we're underway, and I have to say thus far Great Khali is carrying John here. It's true. In an effort to make Cena look really
great, Khali is PURPOSELY moving ploddingly slow and throwing some of the worst worked punches ever seen! That's how GOOD
he is. He's actually convincing us all that he's a terrible wrestler! Only the very best in the game possess this skill! Anyways,
Cena tries to get Khali up for the FU eventually, but Khali says no way, mister! Actually, he says Blarggh Hrrrrmmmphhhhh!
But luckily I understood it because I speak fluent Unintelligible Hindi. (It's like a first language to me!). Eventually,
Cena tries to get the STFU, but Khali escapes, because let's face it, if TRAGIC DIARRHEA from his nation's water isn't enough
to stop him, what's a silly leglock? EXACTLY.
Anyways, Khali gets tired of Cena's pointless Marine offense (The government wastes
BILLIONS each year on shouldertackles and fist drops that could easily go to say Education.) and just chops him on his
square jarhead and gives him a double-handed choke bomb to score the win! Man, let's hope the Marines never have to invade
India, I think we all know how that'll end now!
Winner: The Great Khali, whose 1 win away from being the Greatest Khali!
Ashley is now backstage, presumably to get Jan the makeup lady to quickly
sew her limbs back on as they came detached over the commercial break, to interview Great Khali through his translator who
Justin Shapiro tells me is named Arab Bischoff. Khali says that he can beat Cena ANYWHERE. Except Outer Space because
India hasn't the money to invest in a proper space program. Everywhere else though, he's the man. True story.
Krystal is out next to announce. And hey did you know she's now Teddy
Long's girlfriend on Smackdown? I think that's awesome. Although, I heard when Teddy's not in the mood, he just sends Undertaker
in his place to have sex with her. That has to be awkward.
EXTREME ARM WRESTLING is next!!!!! YES. But first, we see Vince's issues with Bobby
Lashley that all started when he got a haircut at Wrestlemania. He took it a little harder then I would have. Although, there
was this one time my barber messed up my cowlick really bad, and it'd have really been cool to have an uncivilized
Samoan to get revenge with his thumbs, but sadly, there's no Samoans in Saskatchewan. There is however a lot of Eskimos, but
I suspect their big thumbs would be less effective thanks to the heavy woolen mittens. Oh well.
First out is the Doctor of Hardcore, Vince McMahon. And it's true, he really
is a Hardcore Doctor! Just a couple of weeks ago he successfully and skillfully cut Sabu from the company! What
more proof do you need of his surgery skills? Anyways, out comes Lashley, and we're ready for some EXTREME ARM WRESTLING.
Unfortunately, both men don't lock gloriously muscled arms while jumping out of an airplane with a snowboard attached to their
feet, so it's not that Extreme. Anyways, prolly sensing that Bobby Lashley rented Over the Top this weekend and thus
learned that complicated unbeatable thumb move, Vince stalls, then backs out and instead brings out Mark Henry to take
his place. AWESOME. In fact, Mark is SO serious about arm wrestling (invented in 1973 by a Swedish immigrant named Sven
Armwrestling. TRUE STORY) that he's actually wearing his wrestling gear. Because after all, locking hands could potentially
be career ending if one doesn't wear the right clothing. You have no idea how many careers have ended because of this.
"My Thumbnail fragmented into my spinal column. Damn near broke my index finger. THUMBS BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME... unless you have a wooden table with little joysticks glued to them. Then it's Ok".
Anyways, here comes Mark Henry, who Vince calls the King of the Jungle, and it
makes total sense! If you had a device built into your body that could bend light and make you invisible, you'd rule
the jungle too! It's no wonder Arnold Schwarzenegger's platoon was no match for him!
Anyways, the two men lock up, and they GO AT IT. It's glorious. It'a all muscley,
black, and not at all boring. And you know it's extra grueling because Mark Henry is somehow sweating through both his
beard and his spandex. Mark Henry gets the advantage at first 'cause he's all strongest in the world and such
and tears frying pans in half (No wonder Big Show never wanted to shake his hand!), but Lashley is like, "I'm no cooking utesnsil
or phone book, and why would you do that anyway? What if you want breakfast or have to make a phone call?" And I know he said
this because I can read lips. Anyways, Mark Henry gets all freaked out, and punches Lashley and puts him in a BEARHUG. And
if Mark Henry can crush real life legit bears with this complicated hold, what chance does Lashley have? A REALLY GOOD
ONE. He breaks it, spears Mark Henry, then plans a camping trip, because let's face it, he has nothing to fear in the wilderness
now!!!111 Unfotunately though, Vince McMahon hits Lashley with a chair, and as we all know, it's even more effective when
it's a 60 year old grandfather wielding it, and Lashley goes down, as Vince & Henry laugh and gloat and prolly go backstage
to find some really thick books to tear in half, JUST BECAUSE.
Backstage, Edge is interviewed by Maria. He says he's the greatest. You think
you know him? You know what he allows you to know. Except when he had secret dirty sex with Lita. You weren't
supposed to know that one.
Torrie Wilson is out to announce. And thank God. I don't know about you, but
I was counting down the seconds until she saved this show.
Batista and Rabid Wolverine Chris Benoit vs. Heavyweight Champion of the World, Edge & United
States Champion of the World, MVP.
I'd be lying if I said I always wanted to see the team of Chris Benoit,
a rabid wolverine, whose holding up pretty well I must add for having this debilitating illness for 6 years straight, and
Batista, THE ANIMAL. Just what kind of animal is Batista, though? If there's ever another global flood he better find
out so they can find a corresponding animal to match him up with. But hey, where would they ever find another big tattooed
muscle guy who spinebusters in this business? They better keep looking. Eventually they'll find someone, I'm sure.
Anyways, Mount Vesuvius Porter starts with Chris Benoit. And I gots to say, out
of all the guys who make their entrances through giant inflatable children's ballpits, MVP is clearly my favourite. Benoit
controls the action going for the crossface and such, but MVP tags out to Edge who gets German suplexed the likes of which
have never been seen unless you're from Germany. It's one of the first things you're taught in Deutschland. Kind
of like how all the Russians know how to leg sweep, the Samoans drop things, and Canadians...DESTROY. It's true! just the
other day my fat cousin Madison bent over to tie his shoes, so I flipped through the air and he piledrived himself. It's
his own fault. It's just instinct.
Anyways, Batista and Benoit take turns beating on MVP, who should really think
about maybe taking advantage of the fact that his initials are a euphemism for Most Valuable Player. I mean, you're lucky
enough to be born with that name, might as well exploit it, right? Anyways, Benoit gives MVP some Rolling Germans, and if
you look close enough you can the little wheels retract back into Chris's back. Chris Benoit then goes up and misses the big
headbutt, which allows MVP to tag in Edge who gets a backbreaker, but The Wolverine's back is not broken. I blame the Adamantium
skeleten myself. Edge and MVP doubleteam the lovable snowbound Canadian rodent from there, until he makes the tag to
Batista who comes in a house of fire. And if not a house, then at least a bungalow which are surprisingly roomy. He mows down
MVP, and Edge looks to make the save, but Batista's unknown animal origin scares Edge off and he walks away leaving MVP to
get his spinebusted by Batista and for Chris Benoit to sail through the air like the noble flyting Canadian squirrel and hit
a big headbutt to get the pin!!!!111
Winners: Two Animals working as one! Ok, one Animal was working. The big muscley
one just kind of stood around and tried not to get injured. Whatever.
Candice Michelle is now out to announce. Her music is captivating. Too much loving
never hurt nobody. It's clearly a meatphor for the Indomitable Human Spirit. That or she's likes to fuck a lot. I'm leaning
towards the first.
Finlay & Hornswaggle vs. Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman
A black guy, a midget and an Irishman walk into a bar. This match is like the
oldest joke in the world! And speaking of bars, if the Boogeys really wanted to win this match, they'd tell Finlay they hid
a flask of Scotch somewhere in the crowd and his biological Irish urge to get intoxicated would cause him to seek it out and
they'd easily win by count out. Stupid giant & midget voodoo priests! The answer's right there!
Anyways, the Boogeyman who has a fully functioning Pituitary gland starts things
out with Finlay, but soon midget Boogey comes in and actually DDTs Finlay! In a side note, I recently found out that midgets
don't want to be called "Midgets", "Dwarves", "Trolls" or "Almost human but not quite" anymore, but instead "Little
people". Bah! YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT YOU GET CALLED! My ancestors killed all the Indians here in Saskatchewan
FAIR AND SQUARE to EARN the RIGHT to call you whatever we want. If we change these things now, the Terrorists will
have truly won. These midgets are as bad as the Eskimos wanting to be called "Inuit" now. And years after the Edmonton
Eskimos had all their football jerseys made! Good luck fitting "Edmonton Indigenous Peoples of a Snowbound Northern Canada"
on a jersey, mister! ANARCHY.
Anyways, Finlay tags in Hornswaggle who was hiding under the ring, but before
Hornswaggle and Little Boogey can lock up, Finlay dropkicks Little Boogey. And rightfully so. If he didn't want to be abused
he shoulda been born full sized. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to be big? I did it easily, and I had like zero training
in growing. There's no excuse. Anyways, Finlay & Hornswaggle are so happy, that they cut a jig right there. And by that
I mean a traditional Irish dance, and not a slanderous ignorant term for black people. I have more respect for the Niggas
Anyways, Boogeyman, obviously not a fan of Riverdancing, and a guy who would
prolly knock the ominpresent headband of Michael Flatley from his swollen Irish skull if given the chance, chases Hornswaggle
off, but this allows Finlay to boot Little Boogey in the face and get the big win! Haha! Maybe he'd have kicked
out had his glands just done their jobs in the first place! He has no one to blame but himself, and perhaps his inherited
Winners: Hornswaggle & Finlay. And in honour of their bigtime win I just went and
kicked a midget in the face! Ok, it was actually a small child, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
Extreme Expose come out and dance!!!!11YES! EXTREME RHYTHM! Ah, that Kelly Kelly. I'd
say that she danced her way into my heart, but I'm afraid that since she's quite tall she'd just burst right through
my chest cavity and I'd die or worse yet require surgery. Not good. Anyways, as the Expose is getting Extreme to the
hardcore sounds of contemporary mass produced dance music, much like we all did back in the glory years at the ECW Arena,
we cut backstage where The Boogeys and the Irishmen are battling. Eventually, Little Boogeyman & Hornswaggle make their
ways back out and pick up two members of the Expose for a chickenfight. I can't remember which two but hopefully one was Brooke, who
deserved as much as anyone to have a midget to hoist her around and have his tiny way with her with his childlike proportions.
So sad. This has the potential to be more heartbreaking then the time she said she was homeless on last year's Diva Search.
(I remember seeing her hold a sign alongside the road that read "will do nothing of any significant value on TV for Food".
TERRIBLE). Apparently the reason she was homeless is because she spent all her rent money on those really realistic implants.
A smart long-term investment for sure. Oh, the chicken fight ends up in a DRAW. Everyone wins! Except you. And you. And you,
too. And both of you. And yes, even you. You're the worst.
The WWE Draft is coming June 11! I'm all for patriotism, but is forcing the wrestlers in Military service really
a smart idea? Didn't WWE see what happened to a Marine earlier? And what about that Sgt. Slaughter? He can't be too good at
his army job if he's STILL only a sergeant after 30 years! He should at least be a Colonel by now! Sheesh!