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BACON'S BIGTIME RÉPORT OF SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT AND SUCH.
(06/02/07)
 
[Editor's Warning: Bacon is a Moron. Any viewpoints or opinions expressed are that of Canadian Bacon and do not necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan.com]
 
Hey there Baconfans, I'm Bacon and this is Bacon and this is Bacon's Bigtime Réport of Saturday Night's Main Event and such as brought to you by me, Canadian Bacon; the man voted by the Dave Meltzer as the greatest wrestling insider he's never read in his life!
 
Anyways, I decided to do this bigtime Réport because the evil dictator that runs this site needed someone OBSCENELY IMPORTANT and knowledgeable and full of knowledge even to do it, and of course he could only turn to one man. (ME, actually.). So here I am all awesome and such to give you full blow by blow, but not too much blowing because I'm no Faggot!!!! Well, there was that one time where there was a misunderstanding with an online squeeze and what turned out to be subterfuge and such as it pertains to their quote en quote "gender", but I don't ever like to talk about it.
 
Welcome to Saturday's Night's Main Event! On tonight at 11:30, taking the place of Saturday Night Live for one night. And I say ABOUT TIME. I means, who wants to sit alone on a Saturday night and watch a once proud show ruined by terrible writing, a lack of star power, unfunny skits, all thrown together haphazardly at the behest of an aging man whose revolutionary concepts have LONG PAST, and whose jaded view of entertainment is now embarrassing? I'm so glad WWE came along to save us from all that!
 
Anyways, onto the show!!!!!111 And bears with me here, because I'm bigtime tired and such and might get a few things out of order. But it's Ok, because with all my wrestling experience (I once knew a guy who spilled the top scoop of his ice cream on the wing tip shoes of Former disgraced referee Danny Davis, so don't doubt my credentials!!!!1111) I'm sure my version is like a baker's dozen times Awesomer!
 
Your hosts tonight are Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who I suspect if he really had any real power as a monarch, he'd make a royal decree to lower the age of consent to 14 so he could have sexy times without having to worry about getting a what for by the police. Clearly.
 
We are live from Toronto Ontario, the Capital of Planet Earth! And hey, weren't they just in Toronto on Monday? Yeesh, Vince should actually think about taping this show right before RAW to save the effort and trouble of bringing in the same exact crew of guys and fans to fill the same arena again twice in the same week! It was nice though that everyone from Monday was allowed to have their same seats again, though.
 
Anyways, Ashley is out to announce because she's a hot skater chick, even though I don't think her giant heavy implants would lend too well to the aerodynamics needed to properly control a skateboard. That and she explodes into a fine dust every time she falls down. Oh well.
 
We then get a look at a John Cena package, and no I don't mean his genitals because that wouldn't prolly make it to air. Although it'd prolly help his Mariney causes. What enemy wouldn't surrender immediately (unless we go to war with San Francisco) after being chased by a naked man with a Frankenstein haircut? I'm terrified just thinking about it. Up next we see a video from the Great Khali. Just a few years ago he was called the Okay Khali, but he trained really hard to improve and eventually moved up in the Great rankings. I commend him.
 
John Cena The Marine vs. The Great Khali: Non-title WWE Title match of no-titles.
 
The Champ is HERE! But hey, where else would he be? That'd be awkward. Anyways, we're underway, and I have to say thus far Great Khali is carrying John here. It's true. In an effort to make Cena look really great, Khali is PURPOSELY moving ploddingly slow and throwing some of the worst worked punches ever seen! That's how GOOD he is. He's actually convincing us all that he's a terrible wrestler! Only the very best in the game possess this skill! Anyways, Cena tries to get Khali up for the FU eventually, but Khali says no way, mister! Actually, he says Blarggh Hrrrrmmmphhhhh! But luckily I understood it because I speak fluent Unintelligible Hindi. (It's like a first language to me!). Eventually, Cena tries to get the STFU, but Khali escapes, because let's face it, if TRAGIC DIARRHEA from his nation's water isn't enough to stop him, what's a silly leglock? EXACTLY.
 
Anyways, Khali gets tired of Cena's pointless Marine offense (The government wastes BILLIONS each year on shouldertackles and fist drops that could easily go to say Education.) and just chops him on his square jarhead and gives him a double-handed choke bomb to score the win! Man, let's hope the Marines never have to invade India, I think we all know how that'll end now!
 
Winner: The Great Khali, whose 1 win away from being the Greatest Khali!
 
Ashley is now backstage, presumably to get Jan the makeup lady to quickly sew her limbs back on as they came detached over the commercial break, to interview Great Khali through his translator who Justin Shapiro tells me is named Arab Bischoff. Khali says that he can beat Cena ANYWHERE. Except Outer Space because India hasn't the money to invest in a proper space program. Everywhere else though, he's the man. True story.
 
Krystal is out next to announce. And hey did you know she's now Teddy Long's girlfriend on Smackdown? I think that's awesome. Although, I heard when Teddy's not in the mood, he just sends Undertaker in his place to have sex with her. That has to be awkward.
 
EXTREME ARM WRESTLING is next!!!!! YES. But first, we see Vince's issues with Bobby Lashley that all started when he got a haircut at Wrestlemania. He took it a little harder then I would have. Although, there was this one time my barber messed up my cowlick really bad, and it'd have really been cool to have an uncivilized Samoan to get revenge with his thumbs, but sadly, there's no Samoans in Saskatchewan. There is however a lot of Eskimos, but I suspect their big thumbs would be less effective thanks to the heavy woolen mittens. Oh well.
 
First out is the Doctor of Hardcore, Vince McMahon. And it's true, he really is a Hardcore Doctor! Just a couple of weeks ago he successfully and skillfully cut Sabu from the company! What more proof do you need of his surgery skills? Anyways, out comes Lashley, and we're ready for some EXTREME ARM WRESTLING. Unfortunately, both men don't lock gloriously muscled arms while jumping out of an airplane with a snowboard attached to their feet, so it's not that Extreme. Anyways, prolly sensing that Bobby Lashley rented Over the Top this weekend and thus learned that complicated unbeatable thumb move, Vince stalls, then backs out and instead brings out Mark Henry to take his place. AWESOME. In fact, Mark is SO serious about arm wrestling (invented in 1973 by a Swedish immigrant named Sven Armwrestling. TRUE STORY) that he's actually wearing his wrestling gear. Because after all, locking hands could potentially be career ending if one doesn't wear the right clothing. You have no idea how many careers have ended because of this. "My Thumbnail fragmented into my spinal column. Damn near broke my index finger. THUMBS BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME... unless you have a wooden table with little joysticks glued to them. Then it's Ok".
 
Anyways, here comes Mark Henry, who Vince calls the King of the Jungle, and it makes total sense! If you had a device built into your body that could bend light and make you invisible, you'd rule the jungle too! It's no wonder Arnold Schwarzenegger's platoon was no match for him!
 
Anyways, the two men lock up, and they GO AT IT. It's glorious. It'a all muscley, black, and not at all boring. And you know it's extra grueling because Mark Henry is somehow sweating through both his beard and his spandex. Mark Henry gets the advantage at first 'cause he's all strongest in the world and such and tears frying pans in half (No wonder Big Show never wanted to shake his hand!), but Lashley is like, "I'm no cooking utesnsil or phone book, and why would you do that anyway? What if you want breakfast or have to make a phone call?" And I know he said this because I can read lips. Anyways, Mark Henry gets all freaked out, and punches Lashley and puts him in a BEARHUG. And if Mark Henry can crush real life legit bears with this complicated hold, what chance does Lashley have? A REALLY GOOD ONE. He breaks it, spears Mark Henry, then plans a camping trip, because let's face it, he has nothing to fear in the wilderness now!!!111 Unfotunately though, Vince McMahon hits Lashley with a chair, and as we all know, it's even more effective when it's a 60 year old grandfather wielding it, and Lashley goes down, as Vince & Henry laugh and gloat and prolly go backstage to find some really thick books to tear in half, JUST BECAUSE.
 
Backstage, Edge is interviewed by Maria. He says he's the greatest. You think you know him? You know what he allows you to know. Except when he had secret dirty sex with Lita. You weren't supposed to know that one.
 
Torrie Wilson is out to announce. And thank God. I don't know about you, but I was counting down the seconds until she saved this show.
 
Batista and Rabid Wolverine Chris Benoit  vs. Heavyweight Champion of the World, Edge & United States Champion of the World, MVP.
 
I'd be lying if I said I always wanted to see the team of Chris Benoit, a rabid wolverine, whose holding up pretty well I must add for having this debilitating illness for 6 years straight, and Batista, THE ANIMAL. Just what kind of animal is Batista, though? If there's ever another global flood he better find out so they can find a corresponding animal to match him up with. But hey, where would they ever find another big tattooed muscle guy who spinebusters in this business? They better keep looking. Eventually they'll find someone, I'm sure.
 
Anyways, Mount Vesuvius Porter starts with Chris Benoit. And I gots to say, out of all the guys who make their entrances through giant inflatable children's ballpits, MVP is clearly my favourite. Benoit controls the action going for the crossface and such, but MVP tags out to Edge who gets German suplexed the likes of which have never been seen unless you're from Germany. It's one of the first things you're taught in Deutschland. Kind of like how all the Russians know how to leg sweep, the Samoans drop things, and Canadians...DESTROY. It's true! just the other day my fat cousin Madison bent over to tie his shoes, so I flipped through the air and he piledrived himself. It's his own fault. It's just instinct.
 
Anyways, Batista and Benoit take turns beating on MVP, who should really think about maybe taking advantage of the fact that his initials are a euphemism for Most Valuable Player. I mean, you're lucky enough to be born with that name, might as well exploit it, right? Anyways, Benoit gives MVP some Rolling Germans, and if you look close enough you can the little wheels retract back into Chris's back. Chris Benoit then goes up and misses the big headbutt, which allows MVP to tag in Edge who gets a backbreaker, but The Wolverine's back is not broken. I blame the Adamantium skeleten myself. Edge and MVP doubleteam the lovable snowbound Canadian rodent from there, until he makes the tag to Batista who comes in a house of fire. And if not a house, then at least a bungalow which are surprisingly roomy. He mows down MVP, and Edge looks to make the save, but Batista's unknown animal origin scares Edge off and he walks away leaving MVP to get his spinebusted by Batista and for Chris Benoit to sail through the air like the noble flyting Canadian squirrel and hit a big headbutt to get the pin!!!!111
 
Winners: Two Animals working as one! Ok, one Animal was working. The big muscley one just kind of stood around and tried not to get injured. Whatever.
 
Candice Michelle is now out to announce. Her music is captivating. Too much loving never hurt nobody. It's clearly a meatphor for the Indomitable Human Spirit. That or she's likes to fuck a lot. I'm leaning towards the first.
 
Finlay & Hornswaggle vs. Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman
 
A black guy, a midget and an Irishman walk into a bar. This match is like the oldest joke in the world! And speaking of bars, if the Boogeys really wanted to win this match, they'd tell Finlay they hid a flask of Scotch somewhere in the crowd and his biological Irish urge to get intoxicated would cause him to seek it out and they'd easily win by count out. Stupid giant & midget voodoo priests! The answer's right there!
 
Anyways, the Boogeyman who has a fully functioning Pituitary gland starts things out with Finlay, but soon midget Boogey comes in and actually DDTs Finlay! In a side note, I recently found out that midgets don't want to be called "Midgets", "Dwarves", "Trolls" or "Almost human but not quite" anymore,  but instead "Little people". Bah! YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT YOU GET CALLED!  My ancestors killed all the Indians here in Saskatchewan FAIR AND SQUARE to EARN the RIGHT to call you whatever we want. If we change these things now, the Terrorists will have truly won. These midgets are as bad as the Eskimos wanting to be called "Inuit" now. And years after the Edmonton Eskimos had all their football jerseys made! Good luck fitting "Edmonton Indigenous Peoples of a Snowbound Northern Canada" on a jersey, mister! ANARCHY.
 
Anyways, Finlay tags in Hornswaggle who was hiding under the ring, but before  Hornswaggle and Little Boogey can lock up, Finlay dropkicks Little Boogey. And rightfully so. If he didn't want to be abused he shoulda been born full sized. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to be big? I did it easily, and I had like zero training in growing. There's no excuse. Anyways, Finlay & Hornswaggle are so happy, that they cut a jig right there. And by that I mean a traditional Irish dance, and not a slanderous ignorant term for black people. I have more respect for the Niggas than that!
 
Anyways, Boogeyman, obviously not a fan of Riverdancing, and a guy who would prolly knock the ominpresent headband of Michael Flatley from his swollen Irish skull if given the chance, chases Hornswaggle off, but this allows Finlay to boot Little Boogey in the face and get the big win! Haha! Maybe he'd have kicked out had his glands just done their jobs in the first place! He has no one to blame but himself, and perhaps his inherited family genetics!
 
Winners: Hornswaggle & Finlay.  And in honour of their bigtime win I just went and kicked a midget in the face! Ok, it was actually a small child, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
 
Extreme Expose come out and dance!!!!11YES! EXTREME RHYTHM! Ah, that Kelly Kelly. I'd say that she danced her way into my heart, but I'm afraid that since she's quite tall she'd just burst right through my chest cavity and I'd die or worse yet require surgery. Not good. Anyways, as the Expose is getting Extreme to the hardcore sounds of contemporary mass produced dance music, much like we all did back in the glory years at the ECW Arena, we cut backstage where The Boogeys and the Irishmen are battling. Eventually, Little Boogeyman & Hornswaggle make their ways back out and pick up two members of the Expose for a chickenfight. I can't remember which two but hopefully one was Brooke, who deserved as much as anyone to have a midget to hoist her around and have his tiny way with her with his childlike proportions. So sad. This has the potential to be more heartbreaking then the time she said she was homeless on last year's Diva Search. (I remember seeing her hold a sign alongside the road that read "will do nothing of any significant value on TV for Food". TERRIBLE). Apparently the reason she was homeless is because she spent all her rent money on those really realistic implants. A smart long-term investment for sure. Oh, the chicken fight ends up in a DRAW. Everyone wins! Except you. And you. And you, too. And both of you. And yes, even you. You're the worst.
 
The WWE Draft is coming June 11! I'm all for patriotism, but is forcing the wrestlers in Military service really a smart idea? Didn't WWE see what happened to a Marine earlier? And what about that Sgt. Slaughter? He can't be too good at his army job if he's STILL only a sergeant after 30 years! He should at least be a Colonel by now! Sheesh!
 
Michelle McCool is out to announce the next match, and I'm happy to see that she looks like she's put on some weight. About 20 pounds of muscle in 2 weeks! She must be a MIRACLE of modern science, because there's no way on earth you could get that much bigger that fast! Hey, imagine if because of Michelle's unique body chemistry they could invent a pill or an injection that could help people gain bulk quickly? Imagine how beneficial that'd be to sports! Don't laugh, anything's possible!!!!11
 
Kane, Eugene & Doink The Clown vs. Umaga, Kevin Thorn & Viscera, The World's largest Love Machine (well, until I finish the 700 pound mechanical vagina Baconcorp's best working on! We're THIS close!).
 
I can't think of a better way to close this show. Prolly because I haven't even tried. But hey, whatever. Anyways, I got to examining these teams and such, trying to figure out the connections; and as for Vis & Thorn, well it does kinda sorta make sense. If you're morbidly obese like Vis is, who better to team with than a Vampire? (a vampire whose hair is surprisingly neat without ever having the aid of a mirror ). I mean, you tell me immortality wouldn't come in handy for those times your cholesterol reaches bigtime dangerous levels? EXACTLY. As for Eugene and Doink, well, my bigtime informant (who once knew a guy who dropped 2/3rds of a Toblerone chocolate bar into Killer Khan's fur-laden Mongolian hat at ringside, so I think I know what I'm talking about) informed me that Eugene once wrestled AS Doink a few years ago. It's true. And it kinda gives hope for other potential post secondary school educations if a retard can get into, and then graduate from Clown College. Although, I imagine after the first exam where you and 75 other dudes get into a Volkswagen at once, it's CLEAR SAILING from there to your degree! Something to think about!
 
Anyways, Kevin starts with Doink and I think I can hear a faint Kevin Thorn sucks chant. That's just cruel. HE HAS TO. That's how his species maintain sustenance! I can't believe there's still this kind of flagrant prejudice against Nosferatu these days. Anyways, after beating Doink down, Thorn tags in Umaga, and all without biting Doink first. Maybe that's for the best. Clowns are already terrifying enough without adding bloodletting and immortality to their act. It's bad enough that they secretly sexually abuse you at your 8th birthday party when you're innocently asked if you want to see him make a Sea Cucumber balloon sculpture. Anyways, Umaga, is all like blah blah Samoa, and beats the crap out of Doink with his Samoany offense of Samoa prolly because there's no clowns in Samoa, and birthday parties suck there. Although, I heard their games of 'Pin on the Tail on the Donkey' rule, because they use real donkeys. AWESOME.
 
Eugene tags in next, wearing a costume I can only assume he stole from John Cena's luggage. It's true. In fact, did you know that Eugene built his Fortress of Solitude by throwing a glowing half-eaten gluestick into the Arctic? Me neither. Anyways, Vis tags in and has his way with Super Eugene. And by that, I don't mean sexually, although anything is possible when you consider one of Vis's big moves is having dry intercourse with an opponent when they're lying on their stomach. Believe it or not, this is actually an amateur wrestling move. My coach taught it to me in high school in a special one on one session, before insisting that I never tell anyone. Weird. I guess he was just humble and didn't want to take credit for my sweet sweet new Amateur moves. What a great guy.
 
Anyways, eventually, Kane gets the hot tag, and it's hot because he was all burned alive and such, despite looking relatively smooth for a guy who died in a house fire. He goes crazy and gives Kevin Thorn a big top rope flying clothesline. I'd have maybe made a mock cross with my two index fingers just to see what happens. But I'm not a WWE superstar, so what do I know? I'll leave the big top rope clotheslines where you land on your feet, stop, then clothesline your opponent hoping no one really noticed to the professionals! Anyways, Umaga, gets tired of all this civilized wrestling, and comes in destroys Kane, Doink and Eugene, and in the confusion, Viscera goes for the avalanche in the corner, but Kane's fire burns right through that snow, mister, and he grabs one of Vis's chins and gives him a mighty chokeslam to get the pin!!!!!11
 
Winners: Everyone! We're all winners for having watched this! I never thought it was possible to top the excitement of the 2/3 falls match between The Bolsheviks and Strike Force in 1987 and I was right!
 
We close up with a video package of tonight's show and a promo for tomorrow's Big ppv offering WWE Uncensored! Or as it's being code-named "One Night Stand", because after WWE's done, just like having dirty sex with a ugly girl, you'll want to forget all about it forever! Order it now! It's like the 16th most important pay-per-view of the year! Don't miss out!
 
Final Really Awesome and Informative Thoughts: I loved this show!!!! This gets all the stars in the universe and the galaxy, too. Saturday Night's Main Event DELIVERED. It's times like this I'm glad I really had nothing better to do on a Saturday night and stayed in watching wrestling in the middle of the night instead of having friends. And why not? You got to see everything a normal red blooded man would ever want from a show. Dead midgets! The Military succumbing to the might of Giants! Strippers being abused by diminutive little hands! And a match featuring a lot of guys who prolly won't even have jobs this time next year. My only complaint is that they didn't bring back the Zombie for that last match. I mentioned my sorrow over The Zombie being excluded from the festivities to the evil slave driver Sean Carless on MSN, and he actually told me that it was impossible because The Zombie had DIED. According to Sean, someone got the funny idea to lock The Zombie in a room with Stephanie McMahon, Johnny Ace and Kevin Dunn, and he starved to death. Weird.
 
Three Thumbs up!
 
bacon.jpgConsider this Saturday Night's Main Event brought!
 
So you love Bacon and want to tell him so? Was this kinda sorta your favourite recap ever???? Then email Bacon HERE and tell him! (he’s kinda awesome.)
 
For even more Bacony goodness check out my Academy Award winning report for all the newsiness with The Bacon Réport right HERE.
 
And if you're itching for some bigtime employment opportunities, check out the new *official* Baconcorp website HERE. It's a work in progress thus far, but we'll be up and running 50% very soon!
 
-CB.
 

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my bigtime friends.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).