The anticipation has come to a hilt! The crowd can’t wait! Tonight, it’s the event
that only comes twice a year! JAMES HAS A SHOWER! Oh, and something called Saturday Night’s Main Event. Hey there kids, my name is James Walker, and I’ll be your guide for the evening. Now,
I didn’t say WHERE I’d be guiding you, so don’t be angry when you end up in the back of my dimly lit van,
in a hazy daze. It’s romantic in that “illegal sodomy” sort of way. But I’ve got the next two hours
with you kids, so maybe this event will get you in the mood. Hey, don’t laugh… with all the man-ass on TV these
days, you never know. The show starts off with the most overused rock song of this generation, P.O.D.’s “Boom”.
HERE COMES THE BOOM? That pick up line never works for me… maybe I should stop masturbating as I
say it? Hogan’s music hits, and JR wonders if this is actually how SNME is starting… and
is surprised when it is? Time for the Home, Jim. Brooke is out too (after Hogan ego fucks himself with a pyro laced pose)
in a SHORT dress. Brooke has the body of a 17 year old, and the face of a 35 year old. There’s a body cream for that,
and it comes form my penis. Also, she looks like she has no clue how to work a crowd. I hope she knows how to work a…
well, really, need I complete this sentence? She does the Hogan ear pose, and the crowd pops, despite her looking like a total
douche. Why isn’t she ripping her shirt off too? That’d be swell. A swell in my pants, that is. Could I make any
more inappropriate comments about this young woman? You bet! Hogan grabs a mic, and the chants begin. Hulk gives the mic to Brooke, and there’s some
boo(b)s. Brooke talks about dreaming for this day and how it’s an honor to be here, and says she hopes her career is
as successful as Dad’s. I can see it now.. Brooke Hogan, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera saying “This is
the New World Order of overproduced pop music!”, while standing over the Pussycat Dolls. But if she wants to be more
successful than Dad, she’s going to have to learn how to work with stiffs. I humbly volunteer. Hogan starts cutting a generic promo, and Randy Orton comes out with a rose, and the announce
crew acts surprised that he’s coming out, despite the fact that he said he’d be doing this very thing. BY GAWD
CHRISTMAS IS ACTUALLY ON DECEMBER 25TH! THANKSGIVING IS RUNNING LIKE A SCALDED DOG! Brooke feigns being all giggly over Orton, while Orton talks up Hogan, saying he’s the
greatest and such. Orton “respectfully” challenges Hogan for a Summerslam match, which Hogan “respectfully”
accepts. Orton winks at Brooke, who giggles. I haven’t seen acting this bad since I tried telling the cops that I didn’t
know that GHB wasn’t allowed in happy meals. .. and that’s the end of the segment. Well, that was dull. We get a hype video for the Batista/Henry saga. Every time I see Henry on top of the cage,
beating his chest, I keep hoping that some airplanes are gonna fly around him. But for that to happen, a woman would actually
have to be attracted to a 400 lb blob of sweat & hair. That reminds me, I’ve gotta phone my girlfriend later tonight. Commercial We’re back, with King Booker in the middle of his entrance, as William Regal repeatedly Hails
him. Hey, it’s better than the repeated treatment a different King got from a white man, am I right? Finlay is out, as is Mark Henry, who
looks especially soggy tonight. Lashley is out next, and JBL calls him a “genetic freak”. Hmm. Next out is Batista,
who gets a HUGE pop. Rey is out next, and Cole says Rey is the greatest underdog champion of all time. That’s like saying
the Swiss have the best army in the world because they’ve never lost a war. Finlay, Mark Henry & King Booker w/ Sharmell and William Regal VS Bobby Lashley, Rey Mysterio,
& Batista Batista chants to start off, despite the fact that it’s Finlay & Lashely who start
us off. Lashley hits a belly to belly, and we go to commercial. AD REVENUE ++!!! Commercial. Back with Finlay dominating Rey, because we all know Winners: Dave “The Animal” Batista, Bobby “The Genetic Freak” Lashley,
and Rey “The Underdog” Mysterio. … one of these things ain’t quite like the other… Oh, by the way, Mark Henry was visably not present for the last stages of the match (no, they
didn’t turn off the lights). See, Mark blew out his knee, and now he’s out for SIX MONTHS. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD,
SOMEONE LOVES ME. Backstage, Vince hypes up the Squad, and says there’ll be a holding cell at the side
of the ring, left over from the wild strippers & coke party he had last night. Or not. Anywho, while Vince talks, DX comes
in on a split-screen and does the old Whose Line is it Anyways routine, dubbing in the audio. Apparently, Vince wants the
Squad to spank him. OH DX, WHEN DOES THE COMEDY STOP? Seriously, when does it stop? This stuff was funny when I was, you know,
not getting laid. Commercial King hypes up some show on NBC called “Heroes”, saying it looks great, despite
us getting no footage of it. Not that I’m complaining, it’s just, King is a fucking twat. Just thought I’d
reinforce that. Hey, good news! I don’t have to sit here and recap a shitload of clueless broads flopping
on a mechanical bull! Instead, they give us a montage, and later tonight, we’ll see the finals! It’s gonna be…
Michelle McCool VS Nitro & Melina make their entrance. Trish is out next with wavy hair and slightly skanky
outfit. Carlito looks a little drunk. JR talks about the BBQ flavours in this match (huh?), talking about various spices from
San Juan, California, Mexico and… Golden Delicious (Carlito & Trish Stratus) VS Nitro & Melina Nitro & Carlito to start, but Johnny ducks out, and tags in Melina. Trish gets a good
pop. Nitro trips Trish as she comes off the ropes, came off poorly. JR is making odd pop culture comments again, this time
about Meredith Vierra. I swear, JR gets more senile every day. Titty slap (not this) by Trish. Melina comes back with a botched hair smash thing, and no one knows
how to sell it. Carlito tags in, and lands a nice dropkick to Nitro, and a Wheelbarrow suplex – haven’t seen that
in the WWE for a while. Trish hits a Lou Thesz press on Melina, which JR calls “Air Winners: Carlito & Trish Stratus The two “holding cells” get dropped from the ceiling, with the ominous cage music
& strobe lights, like really tiny HIACs. Maybe they’ve booked Little Bastard VS Rey? Get a video from earlier in the night, where Kevin Von Erich came out and raised his hand
for the crowd. Riveting. Degeneration X VS The Spirit Squad, Elimination Handicap match Apparently Vince added the holding cell stipulations a few minutes ago. I guess it was great
luck that two cages were constructed and rigged up before the show began. How convenient! DX makes their intro, and they do the suck it spiel. I think Vince took the Jim Cornette “seven
year cycle” thing a little too seriously. Next thing you know, he’s gonna try to get the British Bulldog in the
title hunt. As the Spirit Squad makes their entrance, JR Mentions how George W. Bush was
a male cheerleader. 2 4 6 8, WHICH ENEMY WILL WE CREATE? IRAQ! IRAQ! HBK and Mikey start us off, and while HHH has the ref distracted, Shawn takes the megaphone
and hits a few of Squad members. The gay men in green, (the heel ones) regroup outside, and HHH blows the airhorn at him.
Mitch rolls in, HBK lands a superkick, and he’s eliminated. Commercial. We’re back, and the Squad have HILARIOUSLY ended up in a homosexually erotic position!
OH THE HILARITY! Johnny eats a HHH spinebuster, and he’s eliminated. The last person to job for that move was, believe
it or not, Stephanie McMahon. Yeah, you’ve got a hell of a career in front of you, kid! Kenny takes a powder, but HBK
follows.. which leads to Vince running out and nailing HBK with a chair to the back. Instead of Kenny leaving him there, letting
him get counted out, he throws him back into the ring. It’s shit like this that I’ll never understand. HBK battles
out of a sleeper, then dodges the Kenny Leg Drop. As Shawn stirs, JR pitches in with the line of the night. JR on Vince: “That man likes to castrate men of their dignity!” .. I really don’t know how to add to that. HHH gets tagged in, and Nicky takes a spinebuster, but a Pedigree is broken up. HHH regains control
with a double clothesline, and Nicky takes a SICK pedigree bump right on his neck, reminding me of that botched Styles Clash, and he’s
eliminated. Nicky eats the Sweet Chin Music, and he’s eliminated. Kenny takes the big elbow. Superkick & Pedigree
on him, and he’s eliminated. Winners: DX Tag Division? We don’t need no stinkin’ tag division! Vince unlocks the SS cage, containing all the members, but the Squad is afraid to go out.
HBK hits the Superkick on Vince, sending him into the cage, and they lock it. DX celebrates on top of the cage. And here I
was, hoping these cages would be useful. Silly me. Commercial A Sabu video airs, where he actually speaks. Sigh. THE GREAT KHALI is in the ring… shit, this show just went from bad to FUCK OFF. Daivari
cuts a promo about him being big, bad, strong, etc. Of course, Big Show interrupts, and puts over his title wins. I think
that the “Only man to hold the WCW, WWE, and ECW world Title” line is going to get old, real fast. Big Show then
says he’s out there to “put over” Khali. Kayfabe be damned. Show hypes up the fact that Khali has destroyed
the Undertaker, and OH MY GOD TAKER INTERRUPTS!! Cole, reverting to his “the cage is a carnivore” style, says
the battles between Taker & Show are LEGENDARY. Well, in the “buffalo wings & beer VS toilet bowl” sort
of way. Taker clotheslines Khali out of the ring (slowly), and Big Show jumps
Taker. Taker goozles Show & Khali, but they goozle him, and double chokeslam him. They do a closeup on the chokeslam,
meaning it looked like shit. I’m so clever! JBL says he’s heard of the Punjabi Prison match in his travels, but says he thought
it was a myth. I have to admit, this is smart booking by the WWE. They know now one wants to see Taker VS Khali, so instead
of buying that match up, we’re buying to see what sort of match it is. However, when it turns out it’s a Kennel
From Hell with TIGERS, it’s already too late for your wallet, but whatever. TIGERS!!! Commercial. THE GRISH interviews Big Show backstage, and Show challenges Taker for the ECW Title. …
because nothing says ECW like one of the most loyal WWE workers, right? Right? Sabu makes his way out, and already in the ring is Stevie Richards. Competition be damned! Sabu VS Stevie Richards, Extreme Rules!!!!1 Stevie plays the chickenshit heel, so Sabu throws a chair at him. Air Sabu follows, then a
Triple Jump moonsault, and Sabu gets a near fall. Styles calls Sabu “ECW’s
Evil Kineval”. Sabu brings a table into the ring, and Stevie fights back, but crotches himself on the ring post. Sabu
puts Stevie on the table, and drags him.. and the table half collapses, but Sabu doesn’t care. Sabu hits an awkward
elbow drop with the chair on Stevie, for the pin. That match was uglier than Joe Merrick VS A bucket of KFC chicken. Winner: Sabu After the match, Tazz curiously says “That’s how WE roll!”. That’s
the second TNA-slip tonight. I’d think this is odd, except, I really don’t give a shit. Backstage, Orton macks on Brooke some more. Styles & Tazz are then forced to put over
Brooke’s album, and intro her video. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. We get an SECOND presentation of Brooke Hogan’s music video, because it’s Backstage again, and Orton is still talking to Brooke. Hogan interrupts, and says its time
to go, and gets Brooke into the car. As he walks around, Orton runs back into the screen and hits an RKO on Hogan, but on
to the trunk of the car. Sounds a lot cooler than it actually looked. Randy smiles, as Brooke tends to her dad. Oh Randal,
you’re so dangerous! FUCK ME NOW!!! … did I just say that? Commercial. JR acts like Orton is the devil himself. He says Orton “literally” spat in the
face of Hulkamania. JR “literally” needs to use a dictionary. Grisham is out now, and he tells us it’s time for the finals of the BIKINI BULLRIDING
COMPETITION! Can you feel the We get a hype video for Cena/Edge. It’s edited in a way where it’s like Cena hasn’t
been getting booed for the last 7 months, because heaven forbid the WWE tells us the truth. Randy Orton broke his ankle for
60 days! HBK lost his smile! Orlando Jordan is a talented athlete! Edge & Lita on the way to the ring, and Lita brings back the TITTY SHIRT. This woman is
perfect. Commercial Hype video for Taker/Big Show. This video is SO WELL EDITTED, you’d almost SWEAR it
was ready a few days before the challenge was made! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP… ABOOOBADADOOOOOOOO! When Cena walks out, he looks retarded with all his random
flailing. Seriously, when he runs out throwing his arms everywhere, it looks like he’s escaping a pack of angry wasps.
JR says Cena is “Fiercely Independent”. Is it wrong that I suddenly got mental images of John Cena masturbating
with barbed wire? Edge is out now, and Lita is there beside him. BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS. JR tries putting over Edge’s
title reigns and abilities and dedication to the sport, but King puts over Lita’s tits. Can’t say I blame the
guy. John Cena VS Edge w/Lita w/ 1/8th of a tanktop Edge ducks out of the ring, but Cena is all like “OH NO YOU DON’T” and Edge
is all like “AWW MAAANG” and Cena is like “IM GONNA FUCK YOU UP BOY” and Edge is all like “O
RLY?” and then Cena is on the floor. True story. Commercial. Back, and Edge is in control. Cena is on the top rope, and Edge fucks up a superplex when
he slips on the top rope. The result looks like a snap superplex, except it wasn’t
planned at all. Luckily, both men seem fine. Edge lands a big boot (big aboot?) for a 2 count. King says he doesn’t
know how Cena kicked out of that, but I can explain. See, after the referee’s hand hit the mat twice, Cena lifted his
shoulder off the mat, stopping the pin count. DUH! Both men trade blows, and the crowd does the Yay/Boo thing, with Cena getting booed. Of course,
they don’t improvise, and Cena wins the slugfest. Protobomb, 5 Knuckle Shuffle, FU. 1…
2… Lita pulls out the ref. With the Marine coming out shortly, maybe the WWE will rename it the “Foxtrot Uniform”?
Cena sidesteps the spear, STFU. Ref goes to eject Lita, but Lita lands a stiff slap. The Ref goes back into the ring, and
while Edge taps, he calls for the bell. Cena thinks he’s won by submission, but it’s by DQ. In the background,
I picture JR throwing his cowboy hat to the ground and saying “dagnabbit!” Winner by DQ: John Cena Postmatch, Cena gets speared. Doesn’t matter, because Cena no sells it, and beats on
Edge just because he can. Outside of the ring, Cena lands a STIFF Montior shot. Cena then FU’s Edge off the steps, through
the Announce table. Looks good. We get some replays of the match & the attack afterwards, and Cena poses for the crowd.
You’re right John, I can’t see you – because you’re wearing thin. Highlight: Ehhh. This show felt incredibly rushed –
none of the matches got enough time, as it was chock full of hype videos and commercials. For unintential comedy value, the
highlight was Hogan’s goofy sell job of the RKO onto the hoof of the car. But in reality, it’s a showing sign
that I say the highlight was probably Lita’s tits. They’re about the only thing on this show that didn’t
all flat. Lowlight: Jesus Christ, what wasn’t? While nothing
was overly horrible, it’s obvious this program wasn’t about adding to feuds as much as it was continuing with
the status quo in hopes of drawing a big number for Summerslam. While I can’t say this is a bad idea, it sure makes
for an anticlimactic show. Oh, and just to pick an actual lowlight, I’m going to say the absolute destruction of the
Spirit Squad – these guys have no where to go but down, and they’re taking the tag titles with them. Overall show thoughts: From a weekly viewer, this show sucked
balls. There’s no other way to put it – nothing intrigued me. I don’t even know how a casual viewer would
have enjoyed this – it simply had little to offer. I can’t say I’m a fan of the DQ ending to the title match,
for I feel disqualifications are a sure fire way to piss off the fans. Edge totally got bitched out tonight, and it devalued
the title. On a whole, this show didn’t feel like an event, as much as it did of a replay of WWE TV for the 6 weeks.
Thumbs down.
the
only way Hogan will job out to Randy Orton so darned good!penis excitement? Michelle McCool is obscenely hot, by the way. She hops on, and goes
for 12 seconds. Victoria is out now, and looks like a female Tatanka – that’s never a good thing. Victoria gets
7 seconds. DOWN GOES VICTORIA! DOWN GOES VICTORIA! .. Ok, Frazier/Ali, this isn’t. Victoria acts all huffy. I don’t
know why she’s mad – she can last longer with a bull than I could last with her. And yes, I waited this whole
paragraph to write that.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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