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TNA 
SLAMMIVERSARY
2009
(06/21/09)
By Neil Cathan

Neil Cathan, coming to you live from his sitting room with TNA Slammiversary. The birthday party with more barely dressed men than an evening as Chris Kanyon’s house. This annual celebration makes me think about the past. Where was TNA at last year, let’s see: A rare show where the main event had no Jarrett or Angle. They’ve moved back to Jarrett, Angle and Foley, to make up for the lack of forty-something headliners last year. As for me, I was still full of anger. Two years ago, Kurt won the shameful main event, while I was also a pot of rage and disgust. Three years ago, I was actually a really happy guy. Wonder what the review I wrote was like? Huh, I wasn’t watching every TNA show back then. I wonder if that has anything to do with my happiness?

 

A black and white video package leads into annoying high pitched emo. The gender of the singer, I cannot tell, I’d assume woman, but emo men sound as much like women as they look like them. It then fades back into black and white. Man, TNA don’t even know what hey want to do with their video packages, let alone their roster.

 

X-Division-Ultimate-Reverse-Super-Ladder-Challenge-Team-Combo-X-Cup-For-All-The-Gold (Except the ones that aren’t the X-Division Title): Suicide vs Chris Sabin vs Alex Shelley vs Black Machismo vs Consequences Creed

 

I felt that their name was not X-division enough. Because if there’s one thing TNA’s taught me, it’s that superb wrestlers need dumb gimmicks and over the top matches to get over, rather than just wrestling.

 

Some sports guy is on commentary too. Baseball, I think. Tenay tries to sell that “You never know where, or when Suicide will appear”. So is it X-Pac, or Hall under the mask? Silly me, we all know they never show up.

 

All four men who aren’t some strange Hall/Waltman conglomerate (Presumably, Chyna’s dick would induce anyone to drink like Hall) attack Suicide. Suicide hits everyone with the ladder. Lethal gets thrown onto the ladder, and pinned. Now, for the uninitiated (lucky buggers), the rules are thus: Pin someone to become eligible to hang the belt up over the ring and win. Getting pinned puts you in a penalty box for 5 minutes. Suicide is able to take Shelley out, putting him in the box just as Machismo leaves. Everyone except for Shelley pins Suicide. Shelley gets out, and all four men celebrate. It’s announced that Machismo got the pin, and he is handed the belt. Machineguns and Lethal Consequences go to a two on two match now. Guns hit all sorts of high impact stuff on Letahl Consequences. Consequences Creed is able to get the pin on Shelley. Back in the box, Shelley! Babyface (last I checked. Russo could have turned them since them) team brutalise Suicide two on one. Sabin scores a running senton onto all three men off the penalty box. Awesome spot. He then lies down to let Shelley pin him. Machismo holds the ladder still while Creed whips Suicide into it. Looked sick. Springboard tornado DDT from outside to inside by Sabin lets him pin Machismo. As insanely superb as it sounds. Hesitation dropkick in the corner on Suicide. Sabin is beyond fantastic, as ever. Suicide onto a chair outside, and Shelley running sentons onto him. Elbow drop by Machismo on Sabin. Backwards Sliced Bread onto the apron onto Creed looked brutal. Detroit fans boo Suicide heavily. Suicide walks across a ladder balanced on the box and Machismo’s back for a cutter on Shelley. Suicide then climbs up and places belt for the win.

 

Winner and still champion: Suicide

 

Shane Douglas cuts a killer promo about returning to TNA. Then the dulcet tones of Perfect Strangers by Deep Purple tell us that Shane Douglas is on his way out. “Cut the music!”

 

Shane Douglas vs Christopher Daniels, Second Chance Match

 

So the winner gets the loser’s spot on the roster, apparently. I hear\that this is how Douglas got his job at Target, brawling with Justin Credible in the hardware aisle to earn his exciting job stacking shelves. You gotta be hungry for it, even if “it” is minimum wage, and goes nowhere. At least it’s a wage, beating ECW out as a career for both men, amirite? Shane Douglas looks like he’s gone hungry himself, as he’s pretty lean.

 

Daniels has the early advantage, with the highlight a split legged moonsault to the outside. Douglas sends Daniels’s arm into the steps, and starts working the arm. Daniels mounts a one-armed attack, sadly no “shades of Richard Kimble’s wife!” call from announcers. STO, followed by a BME gets a three count on Christopher Daniels.

 

Winner: Christopher Daniels.

 

Mick Foley talks about how Jeff won’t try to take his title, and then he sings “I’ve got the world title in my hands”. He announces that he will next defend the title next at Bound For Glory 2010, before moonwalking away and singing. AWESOME.

 

Angelina Love vs Tara, Knockout Title Match.

 

Tara is Victoria, one of the most underrated female performers, underused by the WWE recently, for any who don’t know. The loss of Gail Kim stings less now. Angelina is cocky, pissing Tara off. Almost has the Widow’s Peak set up on Angelina. Tara’s head repeatedly smashed against the mat, Angelina hits a running knee and a leg lariat. Tara sent outside, with Beautiful People beating Tara down. Tara mounts a comeback, culminating in a stunning fireman’s carry that is spun into a back suplex. Tara knocks the crap out of Velvet and Madison outside, but hairspray in the eyes when she gets back in allows Angelina to win. Somehow.

 

Winner, and still champion: Angelina Love.

 

Raven standing in the back as a lackey for a Stevie Richards promo is surreal. Raven hits on Lauren, before waxing lyrical about how him and Abyss are the same. Raven totally snapping at long last has made sense for the character pretty much since he debuted. I’ve always been a fan. I don’t like using the name “Monster’s Ball” though. It used to just be that one off Bound For Glory match. But then again, Russo did Wargames on Nitro, so I guess I should just be glad that we’re not seeing a KOTM every week.

 

Abyss and Taylor Wilde vs Raven and Daffney w/Doctor Stevie: “Monster’s Ball” match.

 

Faces come across strong at the start, and the fans cheer loudly for Abyss throwing Daffney over the top. She lands on Raven and Richards, followed by Daffnew planchaing onto all three heels. Raven and Abyss brawl in crowd, with Daffney and Wilde paired off too. Taylor splashes Daffney through a table on the outside. Makes up for the joke of a hardcore match last month. Abyss gets tacks out for Raven in the ring, but Richards chair shots him. Drop toe hold onto a chair, and Abyss is bleeding heavy. Repeated kendo stick shots on Abyss, and Raven starts to choke Abyss with it, until Taylor trashcan lid shots Raven to knock him off. Daffney takes Wilde out, however. Neither announcer sees fit to mention that last time Raven was on a TNA PPV, he was tagging in a hardcore match alongside Abyss, so I’ll do their job for them. Raven accidentally trash can shots Richards, Abyss rocket launchers Wilde onto Raven. Richards distracts the ref from the pin. Daffney’s forearms on Abyss have no effect, and Wilde spinebusters her onto the tacks. Richards again breaks the pin up, Abyss goes to chokeslam him, only to get a Raven Effect onto a chair. Gets two. Raven effect on tacks is turned into a black hole slam on them for three.

 

Winners: Abyss and Taylor Wilde

 

What a hardcore spectacle! Taylor and Daffney did a good job promoting a “women as tough as the men” image, taking their share of sick spots, while Abyss and Raven were both fantastic, Raven looking at near prime condition.

 

Boring as hell promo by Jarrett.

 

Speaking of boring as hell- Matt Morgan and his superior DNA vs Sting.

 

Sting vs Matt Morgan

 

Morgan tosses Sting outside, and dominates. Sting makes a comeback by crotching him on the ropes (But how will he spread his superior DNA around?), and then kicking him in the legs a bunch. Morgan smashes Sting with elbows, followed by a legdrop for two. Stings mounts a nother comeback, but a carbon footprint takes him down for two. Botched as fuck counter to the Hellevator. The counter looked as bad as the name, as Sting sort of falls over. Deathdrop gets two, Deathlock is escaped. Scorpion Deathdrop from the second rope gets four. Not sure why the ref counted to four. Expect to see it on Botchamania 70 something.

 

Winner: Sting.

 

Bound For Glory video, despite it being forever away. Styles and Joe promo. All solid, and Joe is still after Kurt.

 

Team 3D vs Beer Money Inc, TNA Tag Title Match

 

Tilt-a-whirl hurracarana by Storm took my by surprise, and Beer Money take control from the start. Trading shots between Roode and Ray. A lot slower than their usual work against each other. D-Von quickly becomes face-in-peril. Double down, and Storm and D-Von both tag out. Ray gets a bubba bomb on Roode, gets broken up by Storm. Storm stops the 3-D, but is sent outside before he can stop the Waazup. Fans chant for tables. Man, this crowd is insane for wood. Faggotty wrestling fans. Beer Money make a return, and British Invasion come out for commentary. The awesomeness of Doug Williams almost makes up for the fail of Brutus Magnus. D-Von smashes Beer Money to pieces on the hot tag, but the numbers game takes him down. Chaos in ring now, and we see a bunch of nice spots, such as a 3D on Roode, a cross body on both members on 3D, a frogsplash on D-Von by Roode, and Dudley Death Device. The move trading ends when a Storm beer spray catches Roode, allowing a 3D. Invasion to the ring, which distracts the ref. Ray planchas to Brutus and Steroid face, D-Von sends Williams through a table, but turns around into a superkick and DWI for three.

 

Winners, and new TNA Tag Team Champions: Beer Money

 

Epic performance, as ever, from these two teams.

 

ANGLE HAS HAIR?! I stop watching for exams, and suddenly something like this happens? Madness. Kurt Angle talks about how tonight is about Joe vs Angle.

Silly over dramatic hype video for KOTM.

 

King Of The Mountain Ladder Match: Mick Foley vs Kurt Angle vs Jeff Jarrett vs AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe

 

As ever, all the headliners get an overdramatic hype video. Jarrett’s carrying the guitar, so he’s got wood in his hands as well as his pants. Joe smashes Angle to pieces before the bell rings, absolutely killing him. Joe is sent to the penalty box, while Angle is now eligible. So violence before the bell in a no-dq match is evil, whereas we’ve seen wild brawls before the DQ without repercussion every other time. Thanks, TNA. Joe out of the box. Foley gets himself pinned so that he can go rest in the penalty box. Joe lays into Jarrett to a huge pop. Foley comes back in, and gets choked out within by Joe. Angle gets suplexed onto a ladder by Joe. Joe, having killed just about everybody ever, climbs, but Foley is able to knock the ladder over. Foley puts Joe onto a ladder in the corner, and goes running, only for Joe to hiptoss Foley onto it. Jarrett tries to climb the ladder, but it’s broken. Throws broken ladder onto Kurt Angle on the outside. Styles and Angle in ring with ladder, Styles tries for a tornado DDT, but gets belly-to-bellied onto the ladder. Kurt and Jarrett quick exchange, involving Angle dodging the guitar shot, getting an anglelock, and Jarrett guitar shotting him off. Jarrett climbs up, Foley follows, and they brawl. Styles kicks the ladder with both guys on, sending everyone sprawling. Styles goes for the penalty box spot he has to do every time, and this time it’s getting hurled into the ring by Foley. Joe gets stroked onto the ladder, Kurt gets the Angle slam on Jarrett, and Foley elbow drops Jarrett from the box for three. Wasn’t expecting that kind of spot from Foley at this age. Nice to see.

 

Styles belt shots Foley with his Legends title as he climbs. Styles and Joe bounce Foley between them, ending on a pele from Styles, Foley getting sent out, sentonned and pinned by Styles. Jarrett ladder shots Joe, and climbs to heavy boos. Jarrett and Styles fight on the ladder, Angle interferes, causing Jarrett to drop the belt. Jarrett tornado DDTs Angle, and AJ picks up the belt, before getting into a slugfest with Joe, which Styles wins with a dropkick.  Jarrett and Foley brawl outside. Styles blocks Joe, and vice versa. Styes whips Joe, who suicida topes onto Jarrett and Foley. Angle tries for a slam, but Styles gives him the clash, and gets climbing. Joe powerbombs him off the ladder, and hands the belt to Angle, who hangs it up for the win.

Winner, and new TNA champion: Kurt Angle.

 

Sigh. Reminds me of the n.W.o., with people just turning in those crazy, crazy swerves. Plus it came so close to looking like Styles might finally get that belt again. It’s bloody well been long enough. Good match though.

 

All in all, a pretty damn good show. The wrestling was all top notch, and the booking was better than usual. Two definite thumbs up.

 

Man, that felt weird to say…

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).