Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

 

TNA 
SLAMMIVERSARY
2007
(06/17/07)
 
I am Neil Cathan, your party host for TNA's 5th birthday party. An apology for last week. Spell check was the broken, and "fixed" EVERYTHING. Meaning a lot didn't make sense. You have my assurance I have found my way around it. Stacked card for tonight, and judging by the good PPV last month, I'm excited for this one. Especially since they added Jerry Lynn to the card.
Video of Nashville, to BANJO MUSIC! With some highlights of the gimmicky nonsense they used to run there. Seriously, I saw a kid with a mohawk cane Don West, an Elvis impersonator, and crappy chick fights galore!
Music changes to highlights of the improved product today. And I gotta say, it's got better since the start, but it's not as good as it used to be.

West and Tenay, commentating on golf, when Jarrett guitar shots some golfer. And the announcers tell us "tough break." Ok then.
Some Tennessee band called "lo Cash Cowboys" performs the Slammiversary tune, which, for the record sucks. I'm talking American Males bad (Thank you wrestlecrap!)

Fireworks make pretty boom, and out come LAX for our opening contest.

LAX w/Konnan vs Senshi&Rhino w/Hector Guerrero

Great. So LAX, one of the hottest things in TNA are jerking the curtain.

Apparently the fact that Harris was in a lot of angles with Hector, Rhino and LAX, means nothing, as he is replaced in this match. Harris maybe in KOTM?

Rhino has Homicide in a headlock, followed with a shoulderblock. Homicide dodges around, but is press slammed, and Rhino dumps Homicide to the outside, and demolishes him when he gets back in the ring.
Senshi in the ring with the man who taught him to wrestle. Homicide tags to Hernandez, and they circle each other. Shoulderblocks on Hotstuff get no effect, but a stiff punch works. Hernandez punches Rhino. Low Ki with some nice kicks, and Rhino hits a big clothesline.
Hernandez overpowers Low Ki. The Obi Wan to Low Ki's Darth Vader, comes in, and beats the hell out of Low Ki. Hernandez back in, and Low Ki looks like Ricky Morton at the moment.
 
Hernandez with the body slam, and a senton from 'Cide gets two. Hernandez with a bearhug. Senshi bites Hernandez on the nose to make him release.
 
Senshi is put up for a powerbomb, but answers with stiff forearms, and as Hernandez goes down, Ki hits the double stomp.
 
Rhino is in, and absolutely destroys LAX. Hernandez outside, and a huge plancha from Low Ki gets a "TNA" chant. Rhino turns away from the two on the outside. When he turns back, he meets a cutter. Konnan passes Homicide a slapjack, but Hector turns him around, hitting the hot shot and allowing Rhino to get the gore for three.

Winner: Rhino&Senshi w/Hector Guerrero

Commentators are telling us Steiner might not be able to wrestle tonight, because of his injury in Puerto Rico.You know, the one that happened before he wrestled last week's iMPACT.

Replay of last month's main event, and hype for KOTM.

JB is outside Cornette's office. Eric starts talking to JB. Tracy seduces Eric, and he's about to quit his match, despite JB's protests, before Gail comes out, spins Eric around, kisses him, and tells him to go get ready for his match and ignore Tracy. Gail gets in Tracy's face.

Kevin Nash is coming out to the ring. Luckily, it's just for commentary.

Gandutt, a very talented worker, comes out to throw rose petals on the ramp and hug Black Machismo. Fucking Vince Russo. I hate that man.

Black Machismo vs Chris Sabin(c) for the X Division title

Kevin Nash talks about how he beat Sabin up. BM with rights, and a tornado spinning armdrag that looked just beautiful. Sabin cheap shots for the advantage, but is sent outside after a 'rana, and we get a nice dive to the outside. Sabin knees BM for two.
BM choked against the ropes. Camera decides we need to see Hector Guerrero for a few seconds, so I don't know how this happened, but Lethal is in a double underhook submission. Think Danielson's "Cattle Mutilation" but without rolling over.
Sabin is slapping BM around. Commentators talk about when Nash beat Backlund in 8 or 9 seconds. Spinning splash in corner, but Ricky gets the Steamboat arm drags. Running attack that I didn't quite catch, and a spinning suplex for two.
Sabin gets BM in the corner for a supercarana, but BM pushes Sabin off. BM gets a facebuster for 2. BM up top, and Sabin tries to get him off, but is kicked away.Sabin dodges BM's attack, and gets his stiff kick series for two.
BM has Sabin in a nelson, but Sabin escapes. Futureshock avoided, Lethal combination avoided after the backbreaker half, dodging the inverse STO. Sabin goes for the futureshock, but Lethal escapes, getting the Lethal combination. Elbow for three.

Winner and new X Division champion: Jay Lethal.

Hype up for Storm and Killings vs Frank Wycheck and Jerry Lynn

Storm cuts a nice promo.

James Storm & Ron Killings vs Jerry Lynn&Frank Wycheck

Don West brags about how we watched Wycheck work out. Oh, the envy I am filled with.

Lynn and Killings in the ring,and Killings hits some shots, ducking a clothesline to get a spinning kick. Don West won't stop calling Wycheck a "big boy." Seriously, he just won't stop. I don't want to know what was running through West's mind watching Wycheck get all sweaty. Killings charge gets a spinning senton, and Jerry mounts a comeback before Killings has control again, and tags out. Lynn gets Wycheck in, and Storm uses a football helmet to mock Wycheck. Storm overpowers Wycheck.
Lynn gives Wycheck some advice, who hits a shoulder block, and another, followed with a dropkick. Killings tries for an attack, but Wycheck sends him outside, and Lynn is pressed onto the heels. Storm sent outside again,and as he skins the cat, Lynn gets a dropkick, sending him out.
Heels play off the concussion that apprently ended Wycheck's football career, hitting his head on the floor, and getting head shots ("BOOM!"), Lynn back in, and his brief advantage is killed with an eye of the storm. Storm spits beer in some guy outside's face. Killing's in, and both men go running hitting each other in a spinny way. Wycheck back in.
Bodyslams for both, dropkicks for both, slam both heads together. Storm ducks a clothesline, which hits Killings. Wycheck goes back for the clothesline on Storm, who gets a superkick. Football guy breaks the pin, and there's a brawl. Lynn stops the beer bottle shot, letting Wycheck hit the cradle piledriver (~!) on Storm.

Winners: Frank Wycheck and Jerry Lynn

Video for Shelley vs Backlund.

Alex Shelley vs Bob Backlund

Bob Backlund is out in his old wrestling attire. Don West claims that no-one on the roster is in better shape than Backlund. Then he takes off the robe, and proves him wrong. Handshake.
Backlund pushes Shelley over, tripping him over, and Shelley gets in the ring. Chops trading, and Shelley gets a lovely armscissor/keylock, but Backlund turns Shelley over for two, before being pushed into it again. Escape, and Backlund keeps him there, dropping him on the ropes. They are actually just stealing directly from Angle vs HBK. Double underhook suplex, and run in by Sabin is avoided, and Backlund just beat Shelley with a roll up.

Loser: The man who just lost cleanly to a near 60 year old man.

Handshake, and Backlund puts both in chicken wings as they try to cheap shot him. Nash comes out. Lynn comes to break it up, and Nash gets a big boot on Jerry Lynn. BM runs in, and Nash bails, as BM destroys both Sabin and Shelley.
BM starts shouting at Nash, who backs off up the ramp.

Daniels talks about Sting, building the feud. Religion gets pulled into it. Fuck you Russo. Take that Ring of Glory shit somewhere else. Oh wait-you bankrupted that in what -
less than a year? And you had a sword for a title. Face it-you can't book. Your employment in this company mystifies me.

And hey look- here's something else Russo made. Hemme vs Kip James feud.

Tag match, with two teams I don't give a damn about anymore. Let's have a moment of silence for Christy Hemme's career. Considering how VKM (Vincent Kennedy McMahon) has "died" shouldn't this VKM just keel over? I know I'd be happy.
Can I take this moment to shill Fighting Spirit a few months ago, where they had a great look at Hemme's career. Feed's kinda funny. Not that I mind for this match.

Back to my bad match back up: bad your mum jokes.

Your Mum's so stupid, she likes this angle.

Oh-VKM get the pin cleanly, and chase Hemme off. Hoyt drags Hemme to the ring, where Kip sees if the crowd want a chokeslam on Hemme. Announcers pretend the fans aren't booing, and Hoyt turns on VKM. My fandom for Lance Hoyt just returned. On the other hand, it means we get more of this. Hemme kisses Hoyt.

Steiner is in Cornette's office, and reveals his new partner to Cornette, who's excited as hell.

L.A.X jump Hector at the table, and security breaks it up.

Robert Roode vs Eric Young

Eric forces Roode into the corner, and Roode stomps all over Young. Young sends Roode outside, and Tracy tries to stop Eric from diving off the top onto him, but Young will have none of it. Plancha onto Roode, and gets two back in the ring. Back outside, and Roode drops Young on the rails. Tracy slapping Eric with the contract, and Eric with shots back, but his whip is reversed into an elbow for two.
Eric mounts a comeback, but it's cut short with a neckbreaker. Camel clutch on Young, but Young struggles out to get an electric chair drop on Roode.
Eric is a house on fire, who ducks once I write the word fire about him. Eric pulls Tracy's pants down. A gift from him to me, I suppose. Young suicide dives on Roode, and gets the elbow in the ring for 2.
Roode with a clothesline, for two. Roode goes for the knee, an Eric gets his foot up, as Roode pretends that it connected. Death Valley Driver on both heels gets two on Roode. Roode gets a chair shot as the ref pushes Tracy out of the ring, getting three off it.
Cornette comes out, declaring that the match will continue.

Roode goes all over Young, with right hand shots, but Gail Kim runs out, stopping Tracy from passing him a chair. Gail Kim for the win! Roode poses over Young, and reaches down for Eric, who rolls him up for three.

Winner: Eric Young.

Team 3D cut a good promo.

Team 3D(c) vs Rick Steiner &?

Team 3D are out, and Steiner out before his partner, as the fans chant "animal", and here he is...Road Warrior Animal!

Fans are very excited for the Road Warrior, and 3D lead them in the chants.

Writing with a nosebleed at the moment, so I'm a bit restricted. Rick has D-Von in the corner, and D-von hits his spinning bodyblock. Backdrop on D-Von gets two, and 3D get in, double teaming Rick, who gets Animal in.
Animal overpowers Ray, before Bubba hits a piledriver, which Animal doesn't sell. Because he's Animal, damn it! "OLD" chant from the crowd, and 3D are double teamed. "3D sucks" chant breaks out. DO-von punching Steiner in the corner, and Bubba hits a neckbreaker. D-Von with a slam and splash, which misses, for Animal to get in, destroying both of 3d. Fans are really hot for Animal. Animal signals the Doomsday Device, but a 3D gets Rick Steiner for three.

Winner: Team 3D

Video for Sting vs Daniels, which is up next.

Sting vs Christopher Daniels

Great crowd sign "Sting and Daniels like stuff on their face" Made me laugh, don't know why. Sting comes in from the ceiling.

Sting out-maneuvers Daniels from the start, getting a Deathlock, before Daniels escapes outside, only to get a clothesline from the top. Daniels cheapshots to get the advantage back, throwing him into the rails. Daniels has Sting in the ring, and they brawl. Daniels gets the better of Sting, before getting the elbow drop. Daniels has the abdominal stretch at the end of another exchange, but Sting breaks, only to be bodyslammed, and a split legged moonsault gets two. Stinger Splash on Sting, who turns around, no selling Daniels punches, and meeting with some of his own.
 
Clotheslines and a bulldog gets 2. Daniels sent to corner, but comes out with a leg lariat. Sets up the double underhook for Angel's wing, but he's dropped out. Last Rites into a Deathdrop for three.

Winner: Sting

Way to build the feud: Have Sting beat Daniels quickly in a match near the top of the card in the middle of the ring. To put another way: Put a guy who's leaving after this year over a guy who left RoH and PWG to be exclusive to you. Ridiculous.

Hype for Abyss's fight with Christian and his coalition. Abyss wrestles Tomko in a no dq match next.

Coalition are backstage.Cage self promotes talking about how he's gonna win, and as AJ says he's in the match too, Cage starts to weep, hugging AJ and thanking him emotionally for sacrificing himself. Tomko goes out to fight Abyss, as Cage throws his arm around AJ Styles, and they play best friends. AJ looks really happy.

Abyss vs Tyson Tomko

Abyss gets a huge pop for his entrance. Both men stare each other down, and trade rights. Abyss clotheslines Tomko to the outside, but Tomko drags Abyss outside, only to be sent into the guardrail. Abyss slams Tomko's head across the steps, but a whip is reversed and Abyss is sent into the guardrail. 1PW wannabes. Didn't even break the rails.
 
Tomko is in control again in the ring. Abyss goes for the chokeslam, but Tomko avoids, only to run into a boot, and Abyss with the ass crash on Tomko and an avalanche. Tomko runs back in, and gets a chokeslam for two. Tenay lies blatantly, claming "not many people kick out of an Abyss chokeslam" EVERYONE kicks out of that. Abyss with bag..containing tacks. No glass for me. Or Tomko for that matter. Tomko avoids the chokeslam, hitting a double handed chokebomb on the tacks for two.
Tomko goes charging in, only for a black hole slam, which gets two. Oooh-He's got another bag-Glass methinks. Methinks right. Tomko up, getting a clothesline on Abyss, who hits the glass.
Tomko using the glass, driving it into Abyss's forehead in the most obvious blade ever. Tomko smashes the glass across Abyss's head. Abyss rolls outside, but Tomko's got the bat, with a shot to the gut, and the back. Abyss rolls away, going off the ramp. And...climbing to the top of the scaffold, Yeah, there's scaffold. For some reason. Tomko is there first, and goes for the shot on Abyss, who pulls Tomko off, before splashing onto Tomko. On solid cardboard boxes. THE PAIN! Both men struggle to their feet on the ramp.
Back in the ring, Abyss gets the Black Hole Slam onto Glass for 3.

Winner: Hardcore fans and Abyss.

JB is backstage with Joe and Angle. Both men put over what they'll do to win, and Tenay will have a declaration. Tenay shows us the screen for a J.J interview. Jarrett talks about TNA's history. Poor bastard is practically weeping openly. When he mentions Jill, he has to stop, and starts to cry. I feel like a bastard for watching this, as I'm just watching Jarrett talk about his wife's life and passing, and rather than giving it the respect I should, I'm writing in hope of being put up on the site. This feels like something I should be silent for. Jarrett thanks the fans for all the support, and says thank you on behalf of Jill, who had a passion for the company too.
Man, she didn't even get to 40. Fans start a "Jill" chant, followed by a "Thank you Jeff." I have to give Jarrett all the credit in the world for his dedication to the business, and hope he takes all the time he needs to return.

Cornette announces that Chris Harris is the 5th man in tonight's match. Harris walking away here with the belt would be a nice upset. Nice thing about this is-all 5 are believable as contenders.
 
AJ is out next, followed by Joe. Christian Cage, the man who TNA once pinned all their hopes on, is out next, followed by a guy who hasn't changed his style at all since leaving WWE, and is hurting for it...Kurt Angle.

Rules are as follows: A wrestler must score a pinfall to place the belt above the ring with the ladder, winning the belt. If you are pinned, you are placed in a "penalty box" for 2 minutes.

Chris Harris vs Kurt Angle vs Christian Cage vs AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe


Brawl to start. This is gonna be a spot fest, so don't expect a move by move here. AJ and Cage work together, destroying Harris, as Kurt and Joe fight outside. Angle breaks up a pin after AJ lies down for Cage. AJ tells Cage to lie down for him, but when Cage refuses, AJ goes for a quick roll up for two. Joe tosses AJ into the rails, and beats the hell out of Cage. Hits his Chop, kick, knee drop combo, but Harris throws him out of ring. Cage avoids the Catatonic, goes for the unprettier, but Cage avoids. AJ Styles with a tornado DDT on Harris, but Harris gets a Catatonic on AJ, for three.
 
Cage fighting Harris outside, and Joe throws the ladder on both men. Joe in control of Angle in the ring, gets the facewash. Angle is out with German suplexes.
 
Cage back in, only to be put in the Angle Lock. Cage fights out of the angle lock, as Joe has Cage in the Clutch. AJ breaks it up, and Harris is back to take Angle out. Cage is standing atop a ladder that's wedged between ring and ramp, and is crotched between rungs.
 
AJ takes out Harris, Peles and springboard forearms Joe, and as Angle escapes the clash to lock in the angle lock, AJ turns it into a rana. Harris drops AJ onto the Ladder, which has Cage atop it also.
Harris starts to climb with the belt, but Angle catches him with an Angle Slam off the ladder for three. Joe gets rid of Angle, gets the catching uranage on AJ, and the island driver on Cage. Angle breaks the pin that comes off a musclebuster on AJ. Ref is bumped, and ref doesn't notice Joe choke Angle out. Cage with a ladder shot on Joe, and covers Angle for three.
 
Angle goes in the box, and Joe gets a cutter off the top of a ladder on Cage, who's climbing up. Harris rolls into the ring. Harris in the ring, setting up the ladder.
Joe is up, but a title shot takes him down. Harris sends Cage off, but AJ springboard dropkicks Harris off the ladder.
 
AJ goes atop the penalty box, and Joe follows to brawl. AJ tries to suplex Joe off, but Joe gets the choke, AJ mule kicks, but Joe chops, nearly sending AJ off. Joe grabs AJ's arms, flinging him through the announce table. Joe is off next, sent off by Harris.
 
Harris and Cage atop now, front suplex into the ring on Cage, followed by a diving clothesline. Harris does the Terry Funk ladder spot on Angle and Cage.
Harris is nearly up the ladder, but Cage pushes him off, before giving him a nasty ladder shot. Cage sets up the ladder again, and gets climbing. Angle has Cage in the angle lock, but Cage escapes, and both men are atop the ladder. Harris spears Cage off, allowing Angle to become TNA World Heavyweight champion.
 
WHY HARRIS, WHY? Why didn't you get Angle instead? Joe comes in the ring, and offers the handshake, only for Angle to hit the Angle Slam.
Angle poses as we go off air.
 
Loser: Samoa Joe-Left Ring of Honour, where he was basically a god for this, and has been used terribly since.

Winner: Kurt Angle, who after less than a year in the company, is basically handed the belt off the back of some poor performances.
 
Send feedback to Neil Cathan

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).