It’s Remy here, bringing you all the latest in the world of TNA. Tonight is the four year anniversary of TNA’s debut, and here’s me wishing them at least another four. Tee. Before I even get to the recapping bit I have to say, check out this PPV if you can. I had a damn good time watching this show. TNA has done nothing but remind me why it’s good to be a wrestling fan. I used to just sit idly by and accept WWE’s garbage like most people, thinking that the glory days of wrestling were over and done with. But if you grew up watching guys like Bret Hart in the ring, and love a bit of that old-school flavour, it lives on in TNA.
They don’t pay me to say jack-shit, and my praise doesn’t come easy. What I’ve said above I say because I want you all to know that there is still some damn good wrestling out there. Oh, and WWE just plain FUCKING SUCKS. But I think you knew that last part ;).
Not too much messing around here, let’s get on with the first match!
Team 3D vs. The James Gang:
The “Brawl in the Bingo Hall” is here. However, there’s no bingo hall, and very little brawling. Match starts off with 3-D dragging the James Gang down to the ring to start off the match. The kendo sticks and trash can lids are out early, but maybe these guys should have gone to bed early instead, because they’re not looking all that into this match. Sloppy spots aplenty, and you can make your own Lita joke there.
The fighting is into the crowd, and next thing you know, they’ve hit Taco Bell. And with that, the Taco Bell employees proceed to bitch about their border while taking it to both teams before throwing them back towards the ring. It’s just so hard to find good help these days [/Rutherford J. Pennypincher III].
Back in the ring now, and Bubba is choking Kip with … a bra? I’m aroused by this for all the wrong reasons. Soon enough it’s time to break out the cheesegrater though. I get even more turned on, strangely. Kip goes crimson. I get a visual of TWF’s Joe, or as I call him The Samoan Recapping Machine – Who’s Not Really Samoan, long title I know, in shorts on a Spanish beach. Arousal gone.
Devon hits his “whaaaaaaaaaat’s
up?” And I think, “you don’t want me to answer that question.” Bubba and Devon then hit a Deadyville
Device shortly thereafter, which is the same as a Doomsday Device except it uses a fake adjective. The tables finally make
an appearance, and it’s time for a 3-D on Kip, through the tables. BG’s been tossed out of the ring and can’t
make the save, so 3-D picks up the win.
Devon hits his “whaaaaaaaaaat’s up?” And I think, “you don’t want me to answer that question.” Bubba and Devon then hit a Deadyville Device shortly thereafter, which is the same as a Doomsday Device except it uses a fake adjective. The tables finally make an appearance, and it’s time for a 3-D on Kip, through the tables. BG’s been tossed out of the ring and can’t make the save, so 3-D picks up the win.
Something tells me we’re going to have a rubber match. Not to be confused with what I do to my blow-up girlfriend.
Jarrett’s in back for an interview. Not a damn thing worthy of note, and it goes on for far too long. Quite obvious they just needed time to clean up from the last match.
Rhino vs. Bobby Roode and Coach D'Amore:
D’Amore starts the trash talking as he’s in the ring. Pretty funny stuff, talking about how Rhino secretly fears him. Then he tells Roode to stand back and watch as he embarrasses Rhino.
Rhino’s out now and charges to the ring. D’Amore flies out, leaving Roode standing there looking at him and asking “where are you going?” I love how Roode just blindly believed D’Amore’s propaganda.
Surprisingly, this match has Rhino do a lot of selling. Roode keeps wearing him down, allowing the tag to D’Amore who, playing with fire, takes his turn beating on Rhino whenever he’s down. Near the end of the match D’Amore has gotten so cocky he even goes for a Moonsault. That’s right I said Moonsault, not Moon-pie. He misses, and Roode tries to come in for the save. Rhino hits a spinebuster on Roode and tosses him out, leaving himself alone with D’Amore.
And then, what we’ve all be waiting for … Gore on D’Amore! That’s a three count, folks.
Samoa Joe’s talking to the camera now. He figures that Steiner has nothing on him except the fact that Joe hasn’t pinned him. But Joe’s going to take that away, tonight. And if Steiner keeps misbehaving, it’s to bed without supper!
Petey Williams vs. Alex Shelley vs. Senshi vs. Shark Boy vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt:
This is a ranking match for the X-division. Whoever wins gets a shot at the X-title, but there’s bragging rights available as well. Tough match to recap, there’s a ton going on at all times. I’m basically going to just go through the eliminations here, which includes all the really big spots. Words just don’t do it justice.
Dutt’s walking the rope holding Alex Shelley’s arm, doing a Taker-esque walk when Alex knocks him down, crotching him on the ropes. Seen that before, right? Except right afterwards, Shelley DRAGS him along the ropes. For psychological effect, it’s a winner.
Sonjay Dutt hits a running SSP on Shark Boy to eliminate him, and this match begins to take off.
Shelley goes for a Senton Back Splash, but Jay Lethal got his knees up. That’s all it takes for the pin here, Alex is gone.
Petey Williams hits my favourite finisher, the Canadian Destroyer, to take out Jay Lethal. God damn beautiful.
Senshi hits the double stomp off the top rope to finish off Petey. I was really hoping for at least one more Canadian Destroyer, but oh well.
Sonjay Dutt is locked up in the Tree of Woe, and Senshi goes to the top rope. He stands on Dutt’s knees, forching him to pull his head upwards. With Sonjay curling upwards, Senshi hits the double stomp, this time landing right on Dutt’s face on the way down. Fucking looked brutal. That’s going to be more than enough to give Senshi the win.
Nash and Shelley are backstage. Nash asks Shelley what just happened (in the previous match). Pretty funny stuff here. Shelley goes, “maybe you didn’t see, there was like ten guys out there, or twenty. Some of them had knives and even a few guns. I was just so distracted thinking about celebrating your win later tonight.” Nash then hypes the upcoming match, and they air a hype video montage immediately thereafter.
Kevin Nash vs. Chris Sabin:
So Sabin is supposed to come out of this looking great, right? I mean, that is the logical booking choice … isn’t it? Well, with the exception of the tag match after this, the tone for the rest of this PPV is going to be set by this match. That’s bad. But the tag match IS great. That’s good. But the tag match contains Sodium Benzoate.
Okay, what’s important here? Sabin doesn’t come off looking all that great against Nash, and eventually loses after Nash hits the Jack Knife Powerbomb. Let’s move on and try to forget this abomination happened.
AMW is getting ready for their tag match, which is coming up. It’s mentioned that they’ve beaten AJ and Daniels three times, and that AMW currently holds the record for longest tag title reign in all of NWA history.
AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels vs. AMW:
We’re also reminded that Styles and Daniels have an equalizer for Gail Kim. Immigration?
Great match here, that sees both teams look awesome and get over properly. Easily the showstopper of the night.
Lot’s of great back and forth, but the end of the match really tells the tale.
AJ’s up top and goes for a Spiral Tap, but misses. Harris then uses a pair of handcuffs like brass knucks while Storm has the ref busy, and clocks AJ. Just in time, Daniels is there to pull the ref from the ring. The announcers comment that this isn’t anything AMW wouldn’t have done.
The momentum is reversed back to AMW’s favour here, as Daniels is attempting to hit the Angel’s Wings, but gets nailed by Storm. He goes for the Super Kick right after but misses, allowing Daniels to hit the Angel’s Wings this time. Looks to be over, but Harris goes for the elbow … and intentionally hits the ref instead of Daniels to break up the count. Doesn’t make much sense, but we’ll let it go.
AJ then misses a splash that allows Storm to grab his beer bottle. He goes to hit AJ but ends up hitting Harris instead! Daniels hits Uranage, followed by Styles landing a frog splash, and then the BME (Best Moonsault Ever) by Daniels. You’re damn right that’s going to be enough to get the job done. NEW tag champs, baby. It was a long time coming, but very well done.
Sting promo. He’s ready is the gist, nothing new to add.
In Ring Segment
Time to find out who the new face of management is going to be for TNA. This isn’t a huge shocker to anyone, even if you didn’t get the spoilers from the dirt sheets. Jim Cornette, recently departed from WWE, is your new on-air boss for TNA.
He cuts a hell of a long promo. A little too long. He’s going to make TNA successful though, is the important part.
Scott Steiner vs. Samoa Joe:
This match got a lot of hype, but did it live up to expectations? Hell no. I’d say this was the biggest disappointment of the night, but that’s still to come (foreshadowing ++).
They do have a pretty rough match, but Joe’s limitations are out full force against a guy like Steiner. In fact, this is the weakest Joe has looked, by far. Blue Thunda Driva fails to get the job done, as Steiner kicks out at 2. A low blow by Steiner turns the tide, allowing him to hit a half nelson suplex that looks brutal because Joe lands on his head. Steiner locks in the Steiner Recliner right after, and it’s looking bleak for Joe. Mr. Samoa is able to tough his way out after his arm drops dramatically twice. You know, if I was a wrestler, after the second time the guy’s arm dropped, I’d let the hold go and kick him in the head or something. Anyway, Joe throws Steiner into the ropes and hits a slam as he’s coming off. And … gets the three. Talk about anti-climactic.
Cage cuts a promo, building up for the main event, which is NEXT. He also seems to be continuing with a heel turn, although it’s still pretty subtle (by wrestling standards) at this point.
Christian Cage vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting vs. Abyss vs. Ron Killings:
I really liked this match, including the controversial finish. Fuck these matches with lots of people are hard to recap though. It’s midnight and I work early. You’re getting the highlights version, folks.
Sting goes off the top of the penalty box to hit a splash on everyone else, and they are on the floor.
Jarrett seems to get pinned the most here, and take the most punishment. Abyss hits a Black Hole Slam late in the match to qualify to hang the belt. He then goes up the ladder and tries to win, but Sting knocks the ladder, sending Abyss over the top rope, and through a stack of four tables that had been set up on the outside. Nice spot.
After Sting had tried to help Christian win the belt earlier in the match, a similar situation comes up again. This time, however, the two brawl. Sting wants the title after all. Without any explanation he’s changed his mind. Maybe next week he’ll come out as Steve Borden again? Sting hasn’t qualified at this point, I should mention. He gets a pin on Jarrett after making the count himself by forcing a passed out Earl Hebner to hit the mat three times with his hand.
Sting and Christian are both up the ladder now, and it looks like one of them is going to do it. At this point Hebner is back up. And what does he do? He pushes the ladder, toppling Cage and Sting. What in the blue fuck? Zybsko’s out now too, and he and Hebner make sure that Jarrett gets the belt and climbs the ladder. He manages to hang it, and the belt rings.
As Jarrett is hanging the belt, and for a good while after, the crowd proceeds to throw trash into the ring. Highly understandable. Jarrett makes for the back.
But … he’s stopped by Cornette. He grabs the title from Jarrett with no explanation as the PPV goes off the air. We’re going to have to wait until Thursday to find out what the hell is going on here.
Pretty damn good show, overall. The in-ring work was nothing short of what we’ve come to expect from TNA. A few bad booking choices definitely hurt the show, however. All in all, worth my $30, so no regrets there.
I’m tired, I’m going to bed. Be sure to check back soon for my Smackdown Recap, and the day after that, my Impact Recap. Going for the trifecta. Incidentally, this has prompted me to never do a PPV rant again. They’re long as hell, hard to do, and extremely difficult to actually make funny. I just don’t have the time for it. I know how fucking lame that must sound, and I do apologize. Take care, as always I remain,
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).