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RECAPITATION: WWE BAD BLOOD 2004 (6/13/04)

Welcome to my first "Recapitation," review TWF fans! Too choppy to be a full-blown review, too long to be a quickie "PPV reaction" e-mail. If a blow-by-blow review is what you want, we gotcha covered. In fact, things will make a lot more sense if you read this  before I add my $0.02.

Now that you've read Sean's best-in-the-biz review, let's drop the blade on Bad Blood 2004.

WON Score: Thumbs up. Best match: Clique In A Cell. Worst match: Women's match. Expectations going in: High. Benoit is DA MAN, and I figured the Clique In The Cell match would be a must-see. Eugene is fun, and judging from their Raw matches, it was a safe bet that Orton-Benjamin would deliver the goods.

1) E&B beat World Tag champions LR3 by DQ so the Frenchies retained at 10:14. Pretty flat, but still had its moments. The Kane walk-in made sense and saved someone from doing a job, so I can live with it. The tag champs took a backseat to the story of the disintegrating Edgester/Crippler partnership, which seems to indicate a short reign for the frogs. Just put the damn straps on Hurricane & Rosey, already. They've been together longer than any other team on the Raw roster. Seriously. (David)

2) Jericho pinned Tomko (w/ Trish) at 6:05. I'm used to seeing Jericho getting buried, but goddammit, I will never forgive them for taking his countdown away. That was the coolest intro ever, and they killed it. I'm glad Ray Charles wasn't alive to see this. While I'm complaining about unimportant stuff, I understand why wrestlers occasionally have their names printed on their jackets or trunks, but the fact that Tomko has "TOMKO" tattooed on his back is just plain stupid. What if the guy doesn't get over and they have to repackage him? It's not that far-fetched, people. Tomko's debut was unimpressive, though Jericho did what he could. For one thing, the guy should have had his own theme music, not Christian's. I like the running enziguiri as Jericho's new finisher. Also, call me crazy, but I swear part of Tomko's goatee fell off during one of the corner spots. (Mike)

3) RKO (w/ Flair) pinned Shelly B to retain the IC Title at 15:04. Good, solid stuff from two future superstars. I really liked the angle they did to start this match "ahead of schedule", which explained why an important title match went early on the card. Giving both guys some quality mic time was a nice, needed touch, to boot. Speaking of guys and their themes, it's time for RKO to get his own. He's the only Evolutioner who doesn't have his own distinctive theme. Then again, the new themes for Shelton and Victoria are mute-button no-brainers, so maybe they should just leave well enough alone until that Jim Johnston guy comes back from the vacation he is presumably taking. I didn't like the Flair stuff. Flair and Benji had a chance to have THEIR match on the last PPV. I hate spots where the babyface is so stupid, he forgets about his opponent and starts fighting someone else.just cuz. Had they just stuck with the figure-four/small-package spot, it would have been fine. But they didn't, which prevents this thing from reaching (Kerry) country. Still damn good, though. RKO is closing in on HTM's record. Stay tuned, sports fans. (David)

4) Trish (w/ Tomko) won the sudden-death Fatal Four-Way over Victoria (c) & Lita & Gail Kim to win the Women's Title for the record 5th time when she pinned Lita at 4:44. I hate typing up results from these damn convoluted things. I like all four of these ladies, so the best way I can describe this match is to remember the time I ordered a wrap at a bar. Said wrap was supposed to include chicken, lettuce, tomato, mayo.all the good stuff. But soon as I picked up said wrap, it fell apart like a Stephanie-written storyline and all the good stuff spilled all over each other, despite still technically being on the same plate. Yeah, that's what this match was like. Still though, there were some decent spots, good cheesecake shots, and Lita's DDT on Gail is just plain brutal. Also, I got a kick out of Gail using Lesnar's submission hold. Would it be too politically incorrect if I called it a "Block Rock?" (Mike)

BTW, people, mark my words: Lita is carrying Kane's child. This thing will come to a head (and possibly even start crowning) by October, just in time to cross-promote "Seed Of Kane" with "Seed Of Chucky" (the fifth movie in the "Child's Play" franchise, due out by Halloween). Hey, nobody believed me on the Torch board when I called the Jericho-Christian-Trish-Lita bet, but what happened? That's right, and I'm still gloating about it. Anyway, Lita has a little red machine in her oven. You'll hear it from someone who heard it here first.

5) Eugene pinned Coach at 7:39, making The Special One 5-0-0. This was a decent comedy match, but that damn cookie girl just pushed this thing into surreality. Plus, this thing went two minutes too long and they almost lost the crowd. Ironic, considering that part of the babyface's gimmick is that HE has the attention span of a flashbulb. I do get a kick out of the spot where the heel runs like hell to escape the phantom dog urine, though. (Waldo)

6) Benoit pinned Kane to retain the World Title at 18:15. Kane never seems to get any credit for being a great "big man worker" like Taker or Vader in their primes, but I'll put this match up against anything. The BRM rose to the occasion and had what was I daresay the best match of his career tonight. Myself and the crowd both popped for Benoit bringing back his "Farmer's handkerchief" spot (TM Jesse Ventura). Now he needs to bring back that great spot where he insinuated he was kicking dirt on the umpire's shoes and I promise I won't complain about anything for a whole five minutes. What was with the sextuple German suplexes? Maybe each German suplex was meant as an apology to the Munich fans who suffered through JBL's tomfoolery last week. Let's see, that's six down, about 10,000 to go. So much for Raw's locker room morale. Just remember to keep popping those hips, guys. Not in the Patterson way, either. Anyway, the finish here was jump-out-of-your-seat good. Benoit changing up on the fly to Oklahoma-side-roll Kane for the pin was inspired and ingenious. Bret Hart used to do stuff like that all the time; pull a win out of nowhere to remind you that he was the best pure wrestler around. Now it's Benoit's day. Of all the moves for JR to miscall, though, an Oklahoma side roll would be last on my list. Anything can happen in the WWE. (Kerry)

BTW, tonight saw Benoit join an elite trivia club of guys who have competed for two different championships in two different matches on the same PPV. Behold:

Roddy Piper (RR 92):
Beat Mountie for IC Title
Competed in RR match for vacant World Title (won by Flair)

Hulk Hogan (WM9):
Teamed with Beefcake to lose to Tag champions Money Inc. by DQ
Beat Yokozuna in an impromptu match for World Title

Razor Ramon (IYH4):
Teamed with 1-2-3 Kid to lose to Tag champions The Smoking Gunns
Beat Dean Douglas for IC Title after Shawn Michaels forfeited the strap to
DD

Chris Jericho (Vengeance 01):
Beat Rock to win the generic "World Title"
Beat Austin to win the WWF World Title, unifying both belts as "Undisputed
championship"

Steve Austin (Vengeance 01):
Beat Kurt Angle to retain WWF World Title
Lost unification match to Jericho (see above)

There are probably more, but it's late and my cell phone provider allows me unlimited minutes on weekends during which I am expected, no, ENCOURAGED to phone it in. Live with it.

7) HHH pinned Shawn Michaels to win the Clique In A Cell match at 47:24. I'm not 100% sure, but I think this was the second-longest match in WWWFE PPV history, right behind the Shawn-Bret 61-minute resthold marathon match at WM12. What can I say about this match? It was damn good. For all the well-deserved abuse these two get, no two wrestlers competing today can tell a story in that ring like the Brothers H. Shawn's tenacity made this thing a modern-day classic. When Shawn found the ladder, it was a "Penthouse Forum" spot in that it flew in the face of all logic, but I enjoyed it anyway. This must be those "suspenders of disbelief" I keep reading about. Nice touch at the end when HHH was carried off by his Evolution faction; Ric Flair, Randy Orton, and apparently, Evolution's newest member, Hugh Jackman. I don't mind HHH going over in this instance, but if JR's time machine can tell us about all 10 "Hell In A Cell" matches (including the Bossman's abortions for chrissake), it ought to know that HHH is NOT undefeated in these things. As has been pointed out on every website everywhere, HHHe lost a sudden-death six-way HIAC match to Angle at Armageddon 2000 along with Austin, Rock, UT, and Rikishi. And what was up with HBK stealing Eugene's wave at the end? Is that a clue that HHH "beat him retarded?" Those damn Clique guys rip off stuff from everyone. Also, I think it's funny that everyone still calls Shawn "HBK" without ever mentioning what "HBK" stands for ("Heartbreak Kid"). Just as well. You're pushing 40, Shawn. A kid you ain't. (FRITZ)

Overall over-analysis: A two-match show, but those two matches were well worth the price of paying-per-view tonight. BTW, if you clicked the "info" button on your remotes, this thing promised Raw superstars such as "Triple H, Chris Benoit, Kane, Chris Jericho, Edge, Shawn Michaels, Rhyno." Poor Rhyno. Nobody loves you and now you'll probably be the next mid-card wrestler to commit suicide in an unimpressive manner.

In closing, I'd like to say that this PPV will be remembered for two great matches, and having the most disgusting computer graphics in the history of our great sport. I'm sure the sight of massive hemorrhaging sent people flocking to their local Subways to "eat fresh." Disturbing enough on its own, but when I saw the divas bouncing down the aisle to intro graphics with digitized blood cascading below their waists.well, it's stuff like this that makes people find Jesus.

-HDS-

Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
 
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).