Sean Carless's PPV RECAPITATIONS:
4 Years of
Stupidity on one easy to access page!
TO RETURN TO THE INDIVIDUAL RECAPITATION LISTINGS].
If I've gotten one question in last couple of years
from the readers of TWF, it's been "how come you haven't archived your
Pay-per-view Rants where they'd all be readily available to choose from?".
Ok, Ok, only maybe three people asked that; but for those 3, AMAZING, REALLY
AWESOME people, who care about LOST TREASURES, I finally have an answer!
Introducing a page, where you, John Q. Fatbody can finally have full access
to my full gamut of recappery (it is too a word!); dating back the
ENTIRE history of TWF, and originating from the last week of March 2003...
when one man had a dream to start a wrestling site wherein his twisted,
tasteless, overly-sarcastic view of the sport of kings could be finally
voiced. The problem there was, the site in question was one huge neon green
blob of bullshit, and a total eye-sore; mostly because I was too
fucking lazy to choose anything but a shitty Geocities template. It's true.
But one thing that was birthed from
this horrible, horrible beginning, is what would go onto be my trademark,
and that is a completely tongue-in-cheek review of pay-per-views done in
my patented "Stream of
consciousness" style. While everyone
else online was doing blow by blow recapping, giving their two cents
and judging wrestlers, I chose to instead write a review of wrestling in a
rambling, ridiculous, incoherent manner, putting down my stupid views and
observations, making joke after tasteless joke in much the way I do with
friends while actually watching wrestling. The end result was a recap that
was 90% satire, 10% recap, and pretty much the foundation in which TWF was
originally built. (months before the first Back-Leg Frontkick was
ever written, I often used these as my creative outlet for complete
So, that's how we came to this
moment. As, I, in the last two weeks, retrieved many of these lost recaps
(lost when TWF went from the "big red page of death" of 2003-2004, to what
you all see today) and reformatted them and brought them back from the dead,
so that they may once again offend you all over again. That's right. Call me
the George Lucas of the IWC; But I just had to bring them back for
one more sweet, sweet payday.
So here we are. The re-debut of my
lost, fully illustrated Recapitations. Chocked full of the kind of absurdity
and ridiculousness that you've come to expect from us.
However, before we move forward,
allow me to first clear up a few questions surrounding these recaps, or
"Rants" as they were technically known by for almost four years. The term
"Rant", as most of you know, was coined in the wrestling connotation by
Scott Keith many years ago; but being that I was but a struggling unheard of
writer at the time, I chose to also call my recaps "Rants", because A) what
I do is NOT really a recap; and the term "Rant" conveyed my own opinion or
view, as opposed to legitimate unbiased recapping of the particular event.
And B) I cleverly encoded the term "Rant" in so many fucking meta-tags, that
soon the terms "Raw
Rant" "Smackdown Rant"
instantly led to us FIRST, as opposed to 411 or later Inside Pulse, on
the Google search listings. The same can be said of "ECW Rant"
and "TNA Impact Rant"
today. So, you see, it was less an homage to Scott Keith, and more a GENIUS
MARKETING TOOL. So, thank you, Scott Keith. You magnificent bastard. Because
of a word you coined in reference to wrestling, TWF was able to grow
exponentially off of you and your very hard work. So I'd like to thank
you. You can seek solace in the fact that I at least partially lined your
pockets by buying your book. So we're even. :)
The other thing some may have
been curious about is my strange rating system. That being the oft-smiling
visage of one Iron Mike Tenay. Since TWF's inception, Mike Tenay became sort
of a status symbol, and somewhat of the mascot of TWF itself. In fact, I
chose his face as my original website avatar for many years, which
ironically enough led many to believe that I ACTUALLY WAS Mike Tenay. Sadly,
I am not. In any event, the rating system itself doesn't imply any sort of
snooty over-inflated standard of judgment of things like "workrate" and
what not, but rather my personal enjoyment of the overall contest, and the
story being told itself. If I loved it, it got 5 smiling Tenay visages (). And of course it would slide from there, based
on my enjoyment or lack thereof of what I was watching at the time. The only
time the FURIOUS Mike Tenay (
) appears, is when I'd sooner burn
my eyes out Neo-in-Matrix-Revolutions-style then sit through a particular
match again. You see, I chose this as the visual icon of my disdain,
because that was the same face Mike Tenay used three years ago when
he furiously labeled Goldilocks (former TNA interviewer) a WHORE. And he did
so with such unbridled rage and contempt that I had no choice but to adopt
it as my personal status symbol of disapproval; as I felt its absolute fury best suited representing the emotion I
feel when a match is the drizzling shits. In fact, you'll find that Mike
Tenay possesses perhaps the greatest emoting ability in history, and his
various faces of displeasure/annoyance/rage are to be celebrated. Much like
it was here.
So, with that said, who better to physically represent the emotion of all
forms of wrestling enjoyment than Mike Tenay? There you go.
And finally, here's something that I
am revealing for the first time ever; and perhaps it's something you've been
curious about. And that is: the constant Lita, Bradshaw and Pat Patterson
jokes, popping up over the last 4 years. Well, finally, the truth is out: In
2003, during the site's inception, my best friend bet me that I couldn't
find a way to fit particular libelous insults on any of these three
individuals into a Rant, and have them be in context to what was being
written. And if I could, he'd pay me one dollar for every
successful jab I got in. These "jabs" as they were, were of course based off
of certain stupid unproven urban legends. Those being that JBL sexually
assaults rookies in hazing rituals, Lita slept with various well known
luchadors in exchange for training, and Pat Patterson, who was once accused
of sexual misconduct and fired (temporarily) from the company, handpicked
Sylvan Grenier for a career in pro wrestling in exchange for sexual favors.
Now, none of these can be proven (although, Edge alluded to JBL soaping his
ass in the shower in his book), and in all honesty, I have nothing against
any of them (in fact, I love JBL and have always dug Lita), but a CHALLENGE
WAS A CHALLENGE; and what are scruples when there's cash moneys to be made!
That's right. So yes, my secret is out. And yes, I'll continue to make these
jokes whenever I can because the bet is eternal and I've already amassed
over two hundred dollars. (seriously.). So, there you go.
Now, with that said, let me
close by saying I LOVE pro wrestling, and even though my writings could
potentially convey the opposite, I'm just one sarcastic motherfucker.
There's no ill-will, hatred or malice (well, maybe to Bob Holly) involved at
all. I just turn everything into a joke, no matter how small, trivial,
inconsequential or flat out stupid. That's just how I roll. I've always
liked to think that my writing reads as a Roast,
and that people would take it in good humor. After all, the fact that I
remember more of the lineage of the fucking Intercontinental Title in detail
then the names of potential (or in some cases current) girlfriends has to
mean I loves me this sport! So you guys and gals keep ripping shit up in the
ring, and I'll continue to make fun of the dumber side of things. After all,
the fact I buy EVERY SINGLE pay-per-view, and lived through both Katie Vick
and Dr. Heiney pretty much says I've earned the right to make whatever
fucking stupid jokes I want....
And speaking of stupid jokes, let's
get the Recaps in question! Recently re-christened "Recapitations" (a name
coined by my good friend and Trivia MANGOD, Harry Simon) because I'm famous
enough now to call them something else. Yup.
You can select one of
the 40-something total Recapitations HERE. I've given an according teaser per Rant,
so you can pick and choose as you will. However, if time is an issue (and if
you've read this entire paragraph then obviously it's not), click the quick
and dirty links at the top of the main Recapitation page from the drop-menu.