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Sean Carless's PPV
5+ Years of Stupidity on one easy to access page!
[For full Recapitation breakdown, click
HERE. Or choose a Rant by teaser below!]

WRESTLEMANIA XIX!  (03/30/03) On this night, Triple H sets race relations back a hundred years! Brock Lesnar debuts his vaunted Shooting star face-plant! Stone Cold & Rock make the only good third sequel in history! HBK turns the other cheek, while refusing to put his shoulders down! And Hulkamania meets Egomania, in a battle twenty years in the not really giving a shit about! All this, plus so much more! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


JUDGMENT DAY 2003: (05/18/03) welcome to JUDGMENT DAY! You know, the day God decides to just pack it in and end the world, before passing final judgment upon thee for your many sins. One of which is ordering a pay-per-view being headlined by Kevin Nash. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Enjoy your eternity! (which for the record is what this PPV felt like...) Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


BAD BLOOD 2003: (06/16/03) It's Bad Blood! RAW's first ever single brand pay-per-view, and the first rejected name for Rock Hudson 's autobiography! The good news is HHH and Kevin Nash went to Hell. The bad news is they came back. Just who walked out (hobbled out) of the UNFORGIVING structure as champion? And can anything ever make this cage accept an apology? Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


VENGEANCE 2003: (07/23/03)  Eddie Guerrero becomes the champion of USA for you, esse! Sable battles Stephanie McMahon in wrestling's first No holds used match, Big Show, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar engage in a three way, and the War Amps officially stop asking Vince McMahon for donations. Imagine that.  Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


SUMMER SLAM 2003: (08/24/04) It's Summer-time! And the living is easy. Pity you won't feel the same way after this fucking show is done. Featuring: The only Jew on earth insisting he get locked in something called an "elimination chamber"! And Kurt Angle taking on "the real" Brock Lesnar! The robot clone he normally uses is in the shop getting repaired, apparently. Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


UNFORGIVEN 2003: (09/21/03) It's Unforgiven! The show that holds grudges. And then presents grudge matches that you don't want to see. I mean, JR & King vs. Coach & Al Snow? Dear lord. Plus, Shane battles Kane as the rain falls mainly on the plain, and HHH loses a quick ten pounds for his upcoming wedding! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


NO MERCY 2003:  (10/19/03) One week before her wedding, a Father gives away the bride... forever... by choking the life out of her. If only all weddings cost this little. Plus, a Wolverine gets on the tracks and causes an A-Train to derail! Zach Gowen gets a leg up on Matt Hardy, Eddie Guerrero goes from the fire into the frying pan hands, and Undertaker battles Brock Lesnar in the "first ever" Biker chain match. Huh. Now we know why it's never been done before. Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


SURVIVOR SERIES 2003: (11/16/03) It's the Survivor Series! Now with one less McMahon! And as a result, Bret Hart hates this pay-per-view a little less. Featuring: Brock Lesnar learning that you can lead a Hoss to water, but you can't make them win. Wait, that's not how it goes. Plus, Vince McMahon buries The Undertaker, and Goldberg surprisingly avoids the same fate at the hands of HHH! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


ARMAGEDDON 2003: (12/14/03) Welcome to Armageddon! A moment you always knew would come, but always hoped you'd never be around to see. And now that it is finally here, you'll have to pay the ultimate price. In this case, $39.95 for a Goldberg/Kane/HHH match. Dear Lord. It's times like that you wish it really was the end of the world.... Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2004: (01/25/04) The Vanilla midget finally stands tall! Well, as tall as you can stand at 5'8". Plus, "family issues" are resolved the good old fashion way, with flying headscissors and planchas! HHH and HBK face the conundrum of what happens when two entities consisting of not wanting to do jobs come into contact with one another, and Brock Lesnar faces the toughest test of his career! ...Trying not to laugh at the plight of Bob Holly. Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


NO WAY OUT 2004: (02/15/04) A night, that much like this great country, was built upon the back of hardworking Mexicans! All culminating with Eddie Guerrero battling Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title! It's "Here comes the Pain"  versus "There goes the painkillers", and something has to give! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


WRESTLEMANIA XX: Where  it all began again...for about six months anyway; then it pretty much went back to the exact same company as before! But whatever. It was a night to behold! Vanilla midgets had their revenge! Aryan Supermen battled hulking Jews while the whole thing is overseen by an angry redneck! A deadman returns from the great beyond and looks ready to hit a Honky tonk bar! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


BACKLASH 2004: (04/18/04) It's Chris Benoit Day and Holocaust Remembrance Day, so what better way to commemorate both then to destroy a guy with an Iron cross on his tights? Plus, Mick Foley introduces Randy Orton to Malibu 's much-less-liked sister "Truth or Consequences Barbie", and Chris Jericho takes his dollar out of the hide of Christian and Trish Stratus! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


JUDGMENT DAY 2004: (05/16/04) It's Judgment Day! And God decided the best way to punish us heathens for our sins would be to subject us to a Bradshaw main event push! Repent now before he gets another rematch! Plus, Kurt "Blofeld" Angle torments a blond in lieu of Bond, Mordecai tries Scotty 2 Hotty for the sin of living in the past, and Booker T trades in his fishin' pole for some voodoo black magic and still comes up short against The Undertaker. Huh. Clearly, he should have talked to the last voodoo guy who tried to mess with The Undertaker. Might have saved himself a lot of grief. Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


GREAT AMERICAN BASH 2004: (06/27/04) It's the birth of America 's newest summertime tradition! Well, so long as your idea of traditions include suffocating your best friend in cement after just saving him from a convoluted kidnapping plot! Plus a Dusty finish in a world title match! Holy shit, this really IS The Great American Bash after all! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


VENGEANCE 2004: (07/11/04) Triple H battles Chris Benoit, and a retard holds the fate of the world in his hands! Hey, maybe he should run for president! Plus, an Animal murders a Lion-tamer! Edge puts a legend killer to justice! And Matt Hardy gets a measure of revenge against the monster who secretly impregnated his girlfriend, the only way he knows how: with a flurry of wrestling offense! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


SUMMER SLAM 2004: (08/15/04) Retards get sacrificed! Hometown boys get run out of town on a rail! Wolverines euthanized! Grim Reapers assault millionaires! Strippers get balls in the face! And the crowning of a fake youngest champion ever! What more could you want?  A crowd that'd respect what they are watching, instead of doing the fucking wave? Umm, probably. Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


UNFORGIVEN 2004: (09/12/04) Yesterday may have *technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee you this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget"! Where's the NYFD when you need them? Someone needs to dig Orton out of his hole here!  Plus, Tyson Tomko creates more problems than he solves, and Chris Jericho and Y2J battle for the vacant Intercontinental title with "100 pound" Aluminum ladders!  Man, Someone might have weighed them on Hulk Hogan's scale! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


NO MERCY 2004: (10/04/04) It's No Mercy! The PPV that shows no sympathy for you or your wallet. Featuring JBL, Undertaker, a hearse, a pantsless chauffer, and the ultimate inhumanity of being locked inside of an "inescapable" car! There's no escape through that, umm, glass! So don't even try! Click  HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! 


TABOO TUESDAY 2004: (10/19/04) It's Taboo Tuesday! A HISTORIC night where, FINALLY, YOU get to have your voice heard! It's just too bad what you end up "saying" is what we've pretty much been seeing for 2 years anyway! Damn you for opening your big mouth! Featuring: For the first time in history, the father of the baby is aborted! HHH and 3/4's of Shawn Michaels wage war! Chris Benoit helps two Quebecers separate... from their tag titles! And Ric Flair gets a (legend) killer behind bars! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


SURVIVOR SERIES 2004: (11/14/04) Germans and Jews reconcile their differences to stop the Grim reaper! John Cena returns from the dead, and Jesus is at the forefront! plus, Booker T prays for a sixth finger, and Randy Orton bursts the bubble of the most inflated team in Survivor Series history! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


ARMAGEDDON 2004: (12/12/04) It's Armageddon! And as foretold in the Bible, Jesus has returned! Only this time he's wielding a cookie-sheet instead of a flaming sword! Who knew? Plus, in the spirit of Cheech & Chong, Mexicans and marijuana combine to make Dupree & Kenzo's title reign go up in smoke! And despite the implications of Armageddon, the World and the World Title reign of JBL survive the night. Go figure. Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION 2005! (01/10/05) Triple H finally gets Chris Jericho & Chris Benoit in a chamber, but forgoes the poison pellet! Plus, Shelton Benjamin beats Maven like a red-headed mono-browed step-child,  Eugene & Lita head to Medical facility in Puerto Rico , and secretly hope the doctor who treated Bruiser Brody isn't on call, and Muhammad Hassan is a victim of midcard profiling! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2005! (01/30/05)  The Road to Wrestlemania 21 begins, and this time it's man who becomes road kill at the hands of an animal! plus, Heidenreich ends up in a casket, but not in the manner in which we'd prefer! JBL proclaims his divinity! HHH does Darwin proud, and Vince loses his mind...and his legs! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


NO WAY OUT 2005! (02/20/05) Featuring the debut of the dreaded CARNIVORE that was the Barb-wire steel cage! It once survived on berries and shrubs alone, but now it has a taste for men! (Just like Kanyon). Join Sean as he passes out on the side of the Road To Wrestlemania, and decide for yourself whether it was truly No Way Out, or "Which way out?!" Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


WRESTLEMANIA XXI.  (04/03/05) It was the night Wrestlemania went Hollywood! (Sorta!) A night Animals ran wild, Edge found lost money, HBK & Angle put on a classic, and Wall-Street fell to... Wahlberg? Sounds about right. All this, plus much more! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


BACKLASH 2005! (05/01/05) Featuring Batista facing the single greatest phenomenon to ever claim millions of innocent lives: the NUCLEAR PEDIGREE~! Plus, Hulk Hogan & Shawn Michaels (D-Generated (e)X Champions?) battling Daivari, and a guy you're kinda supposed to forget ever existed! It's Backlash, a show so memorable, I don't even remember writing this Rant! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


JUDGMENT DAY 2005! (05/22/05) It's Judgment Day, a day when God passes judgment and punishment on all of humanity. And what better way to punish people then to subject them to a 13th consecutive JBL Main Event push? Plus, Bob Holly gets his obligatory Spring-time tag title shot, Mexican on tiny Mexican crime, Big Show relives a Disney classic, and Orlando Jordan gets away with murder! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


ECW ONE NIGHT STAND! (06/12/05) Much like a real one night stand, ECW delivered a night of no strings attached wanton pleasure! Only, unlike a woman, it only cost us 35 dollars to get off! If only all one night stand's were this fulfilling. In any event, join Sean as he looks at the chaos, memories and brutality that was perhaps the best pay-per-view of the last 5 years! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


VENGEANCE 2005! (06/26/05) Join the fun as HHH and Batista move into the Devil's duplex, Kane, Edge and Lita settle "divorce" the good old fashioned way: with worked offense! HBK and Kurt Angle get Biblical, and the Champ is still here. All this plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


GREAT AMERICAN BASH 2005! (07/24/05) The Not-So-Great American Bash. A night where Undertaker single-handedly won the war on terror, Animal found new love, and a Wrestling God punished us heathens for our sins... by subjecting us to one of the worst main event matches ever! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


SUMMER SLAM 2005! (08/21/05) It's the "Biggest Party of the Summer". A night built entirely around a match that for all intents and purposes looked like a Hair Club ad for "Before" and "Way Before!" Plus, angry atrophied Olympians look to murder the mentally handicapped! An Animal battles a God that I suggest might be a little more forgiving of Sodom & Gomorrah !  Adultery is settled the old fashioned way: WITH BODYSLAMS! And a child goes home with the first diminutive Mexican to climb a ladder. It's as true to life as you get. And I can't think of a better way to spend a summer. Ok, I lied. I can. But no one likes me, so I have no choice. Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


UNFORGIVEN 2005!  (09/18/05) It's WWE's most unforgiving show of the year; and one that's apparently never read a fucking dictionary in its life because it's not even a real word: UNFORGIVEN! Featuring: A VICTORY for committed relationships! The end of racial intolerance as we know it! Divine intervention interceding to help a loyal disciple escape the clutches of a  glorified rest-hold! Senior citizens involved in Gang Bangs! And actual NUDITY on PPV! (Dear God, it's not what you think.) You know, fun for the whole family! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!

NO MERCY 2005!  (10/09/05) From the people who brought you the Great American Bash, comes this season's most uninteresting and forgetful Pay-per-view: No Mercy! From BBQ'd wrestlers to BBQ'd cheeseburgers, to matches built entirely around disgusting bodily functions, there’s something for everyone! Unless you’re normal. In that case you just saved yourself forty dollars! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!

TABOO TUESDAY 2005. (11/01/05) A night dedicated to people who can't get laid! And just because it was the lowest drawing WWE Pay-per-view EVER last year, doesn't mean they shouldn't have tried it again! Oh wait, yes it does.  Regardless, it was the return of a night where you finally had the power!...to choose from three choices they've picked!...two of which are horrible. But other than that, it's all up to you! YOU WERE THE PROMOTER! Featuring, one man definitely not Big Show or Kane joining Kurt Angle and John Cena in the main event, HHH battling Ric Flair in a SURPRISE "non-predetermined" match decided by YOU the fans (umm, don't let that huge pre-assembled cage hanging above the ring influence you!) ) and Batista steps in for Steve Austin who had to move a love seat, to wrestle a career worst match against Goldust, the Coach, and an extremely obese Vader, who just earlier had three choices of his own to make: Just what huge meal would he consume, pre-match? (it was a three-way tie!) All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!

SURVIVOR SERIES 2005. (11/27/05) From the people who brought you the complete and utter destruction of Bret Hart's life comes Survivor Series! It's RAW Vs. SmackDown! Men Vs. Women and Children! And good sense versus the booking of a Teddy Long Vs. Eric Bischoff match! On this night, WWE puts that whole "brand extension" thing on hold for a night of interpromotional mayhem! But things go back to normal tomorrow, 'cause let's face it, you don't sell one hundred ppv's in one year with just one roster! *ahem*. Plus, the WWE title is on the line when The Marine John Cena battles Kurt Angle. It's Leathernecks vs. Broken Freakin' necks! Or something! Just how did Sean see Sur Ser 2005? Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


ARMAGEDDON 2005. (12/18/05) It's Armageddon! Undertaker and Randy Orton go to Hell! Tim White goes to Heaven! The Mexicools stay in limbo! What more could you want? (a decent show, maybe?) All this, Plus much more! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION 2006. (01/08/06) Just how does a scumbag Adulterer become the top babyface in the company? This PPV answers that question and more! Well, except for the question of why Jerry Lawler is wrestling on PPV. There's no answers for that! It's New Year's Revolution!...over a week after New Years! But hey, 'Middle of January Revolution' don't sell pay-per-views, baby! Featuring Grandmothers sexually assaulting Divas! Mothers fighting their sons battles! And Son-in Laws smiting Giants! Plus, the crowd has taken a page from this show's name and revolted against John Cena! Did they find justice? Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2006. (01/29/06) It's the RUMBLUS 2006: Where It All Begins Again!? That's right. If you're a John Cena fan, this was definitely your night; but if you're not, you're probably still picking shards of TV glass out of your fist right now! Plus, Rey Mysterio proves really big things can happen to really little people, while Kurt Angle versus Mark Henry proves that bad matches can happen to great champions. All in all, you'll feel like hurling yourself over the ropes after this Rant! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


WRESTLEMANIA 22 (04/02/06) It's Wrestlemania! The Grand Daddy of Them All! Featuring actual Grand Daddy's wrestling in High profile matches! It was a historic night, that saw one streak end, two streaks continue, no one streak in a Playboy match, and the need of selling merchandise supersede the demands of a bunch of angry dudes. Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


BACKLASH 2006 (04/30/06) It's Backlash! A night of Holy miracles and holy shit moments! A night where God took a powder, The King of Kings jobbed for your sins, and psychiatrists alike were baffled as to how we can hear the inner most thoughts of tormented seven foot demons! Just what did WWE have in store for us? Who walked out as Champions, and who just plain didn't walk out at all?  Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


UNFORGIVEN 2006 (09/17/06) It's the pay-per-view that just won't let bygones be bygones! It's Unforgiven. And Sean was there LIVE. Join us as Sean recounts his crazy day, the full show, plus provides a bonus satire! All this plus John Cena gives Toronto the big F.U.! A Canadian actually gets to leave this company with a World Title! Kane and Umaga believe in an eye for an eye and a thumb for a thumb! Plus we find out what happens when Scottish warriors from the middle ages battle cheerleaders! And HBK puts heaven on hold to go to Hell with HHH (who's going there anyway) to battle The McMahons, Big Show, and hands like skillets! They can cook EGGS and deliver punishment! All this plus so much more in this HUGE Rant just brimming with ridiculousness~! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2007 (01/28/07) It's the Royal Rumble! The 2nd most important pay-per-view of the year's scheduled 3000! And Sean has all your results and buffoonery. Kelly Kelly handles your balls! Test puts the 'Extreme' back in extremely shitty finish! Another Kennedy is killed in Texas !  The Bulldozer runs out of gas! Batista's still on the gas! And The Rumble goes to one of the most popular deadman in Texas ! (Not the Von Erichs). All this, plus much more!  Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


NO WAY OUT 2007 (02/18/07) It's No Way Out! The last-big money grab before the Grand Daddy Of Them All! On this night, The Road To Wrestlemania began, but there were several casualties along the way, and one trip to a known homosexual rest-stop! Ok, there wasn't, but I just wanted to use that segue. In any event, it was a night where Animals betrayed their Masters! An Asian redneck and a Mexican worked in unison to stop the 13 month rampage of a Hurricane! London & Kendrick channeled AJAX and cut through Grease! And Bobby Lashley provided your fill of Extreme!... if the 'Extreme' you were after was disappointment! All this, plus more! Click  HERE to read the Recapitation!


BACKLASH 2007 (04/30/07) It's Backlash, the pay-per-view that leaves a bad taste in God's mouth! A night where the WWE Championship is contested by six-degrees of Marines! A Fake Marine! A Disgraced Marine! A guy who got his ass kicked by nine at once! And a guy... who lived a few miles from Marineland? Close enough. Plus, Bobby Lashley is no longer the (child-like) face of ECW! Undertaker and Batista wrestle to a dead (HIYO) heat! Cade & Murdoch generate no heat! Sean has all your bases covered and more in one of the biggest most jam-packed Rants EVER! Click  HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!


ONE NIGHT STAND 2007 (06/03/07) After two memorable consecutive One Night Stands, WWE delivers the kind you blame fully on alcohol and never ever admit to enjoying! It's One Night Stand 2007! And Dr. Vince has surgically removed 95% of ECW  in favor of Great Khali & Mark Henry! EC-DUBle cross! On this night, John Cena makes Great Khali his own personal Pun-jobber! Edge enters an Animal cage and lives to tell the tale! Dominatrix Bobby Lashley enters into a S&M relationship with Vince McMahon! (well, maybe just the S part) and women wrestle in  EXTREME pudding! What more could you want? ECW? No soup for you. All this, plus much more!  Click HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!


NO MERCY 2007! (10/01/07) On the account of no visible PPV Rant coming in that month, Sean Carless pulled himself from his stupor to pull us through with a No Mercy Halfcapitation or, "HOW I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND LEARNED TO TOLERATE A TRIPLE H EGO FUCK". It was the greatest night in the history of the sport!... so long as your last name was umm, Hearst-Helmsley? That's right, in one night, Triple H made up for missing the previous 8 months by pinning everyone and everything in his path! Plus The dreaded Punjabi Prison returned! You know,  India 's high security Roofless Prison system? All this, plus much more!  Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation  Halfcapitation!


CYBER SUNDAY 2007 (10/28/07) It's Cyber Sunday! The PPV that only sounds like a late night online encounter with an alleged woman. But at least, during that, there's a chance you might actually get what you want. Ahem. On this night, we, the FANS had our voices heard! Unless that voice was saying "We want Jericho". They didn't hear that. Oh well. But what we did get was HBK shaking off 3000 chinlocks to win his match against Randy Orton...by disqualification. Because let's face it, clean finishes on paid shows are silly. Triple H took it to the streets... in his underwear! And an Animal survived its trip to the Pet Cemetery ! Sean has all your coverage and insane observations as only a night of copious alcoholic self-abuse can provide! Click HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2008 (01/29/08) Join Sean Carless for another half-capitated spectacle of stupidity! Superman Returns! Jeff Hardy is pinned by a Glass Ceiling! Chris Jericho puts JBL in bondage, and somewhere Billy Silverman is smiling! You know, before remembering he's still unemployed. Plus, Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka carry on their feud into the new millennium! No coconuts were harmed, but a bowl of prunes may have been consumed! All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read Sean's moronic rambling on all things RUMBLE.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).