WRESTLEMANIA XIX!
BAD BLOOD 2003: (06/16/03) It's Bad Blood! RAW's
first ever single brand pay-per-view, and the first
rejected name for Rock VENGEANCE 2003:
(07/23/03) Eddie Guerrero becomes the champion of SUMMER SLAM 2003: (08/24/04) It's Summer-time!
And the living is easy. Pity you won't feel the same way
after this fucking show is done. Featuring: The only Jew
on earth insisting he get locked in something called an
"elimination chamber"! And Kurt Angle taking on "the
real" Brock Lesnar! The robot clone he normally uses is
in the shop getting repaired, apparently. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! UNFORGIVEN 2003:
(09/21/03) It's Unforgiven! The show that holds grudges.
And then presents grudge matches that you don't want to
see. I mean, JR & King vs. Coach & Al Snow? Dear lord.
Plus, Shane battles Kane as the rain falls mainly on the
plain, and HHH loses a quick ten pounds for his upcoming
wedding! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! NO MERCY 2003: (10/19/03) One week before
her wedding, a Father gives away the bride... forever...
by choking the life out of her. If only all weddings
cost this little. Plus, a Wolverine gets on the tracks
and causes an A-Train to derail! Zach Gowen gets a leg
up on Matt Hardy, Eddie Guerrero goes from the fire into
the frying pan hands, and Undertaker battles Brock
Lesnar in the "first ever" Biker chain match. Huh. Now
we know why it's never been done before. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! SURVIVOR SERIES 2003:
(11/16/03) It's the Survivor Series! Now with one less
McMahon! And as a result, Bret Hart hates this
pay-per-view a little less. Featuring: Brock Lesnar
learning that you can lead a Hoss to water, but you
can't make them win. Wait, that's not how it goes. Plus,
Vince McMahon buries The Undertaker, and Goldberg
surprisingly avoids the same fate at the hands of HHH!
Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! ARMAGEDDON 2003:
(12/14/03) Welcome to Armageddon! A moment you always
knew would come, but always hoped you'd never be around
to see. And now that it is finally here, you'll have to
pay the ultimate price. In this case, $39.95 for a
Goldberg/Kane/HHH match. Dear Lord. It's times like that
you wish it really was the end of the world.... Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! ROYAL RUMBLE 2004:
(01/25/04) The Vanilla midget finally stands tall! Well,
as tall as you can stand at 5'8". Plus, "family issues"
are resolved the good old fashion way, with
flying headscissors and planchas! HHH and HBK face the
conundrum of what happens when two entities consisting
of not wanting to do jobs come into contact with one
another, and Brock Lesnar faces the toughest test of his
career! ...Trying not to laugh at the plight of Bob
Holly. Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! NO WAY OUT 2004:
(02/15/04) A night, that much like this great country,
was built upon the back of hardworking Mexicans! All
culminating with Eddie Guerrero battling Brock Lesnar
for the WWE Title! It's "Here comes the Pain"
versus "There goes the painkillers", and something has
to give! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
WRESTLEMANIA XX:
Where
it all began
again...for about six months anyway; then it pretty much
went back to the exact same company as before! But
whatever. It was a night to behold! Vanilla midgets had
their revenge! Aryan Supermen battled hulking Jews while
the whole thing is overseen by an angry redneck! A
deadman returns from the great beyond and looks ready to
hit a Honky tonk bar! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! BACKLASH 2004:
(04/18/04) It's Chris Benoit Day and
Holocaust Remembrance Day, so what better way to
commemorate both then to destroy a guy with an
Iron cross on his tights? Plus, Mick Foley introduces
Randy Orton to JUDGMENT DAY 2004:
(05/16/04) It's Judgment Day! And God decided the best
way to punish us heathens for our sins would be to
subject us to a Bradshaw main event push! Repent now
before he gets another rematch! Plus, Kurt "Blofeld"
Angle torments a blond in lieu of Bond, Mordecai tries
Scotty 2 Hotty for the sin of living in the past,
and Booker T trades in his fishin' pole for some voodoo
black magic and
still comes up short against The Undertaker.
Huh. Clearly, he should have talked to the last voodoo
guy who tried to mess with The Undertaker. Might have
saved himself a lot of grief. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! GREAT AMERICAN BASH 2004: (06/27/04) It's the
birth of
VENGEANCE 2004: (07/11/04) Triple H battles
Chris Benoit, and a retard holds the fate of the world
in his hands! Hey, maybe he should run for president!
Plus, an Animal murders a Lion-tamer! Edge puts a legend
killer to justice! And Matt Hardy gets a measure of
revenge against the monster who secretly impregnated his
girlfriend, the only way he knows how: with a flurry of
wrestling offense! Click
HERE
to read Sean's Recapitation! SUMMER SLAM 2004: (08/15/04) Retards get
sacrificed! Hometown boys get run out of town on a rail!
Wolverines euthanized! Grim Reapers assault
millionaires! Strippers get balls in the face! And the
crowning of a fake youngest champion ever! What more
could you want? A crowd that'd respect what they
are watching, instead of doing the fucking wave? Umm,
probably. Click
HERE
to read Sean's Recapitation! UNFORGIVEN 2004: (09/12/04) Yesterday may have
*technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee you
this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget"! Where's
the NYFD when you need them? Someone needs to dig Orton
out of his hole here! Plus, Tyson Tomko creates
more problems than he solves, and Chris Jericho and Y2J
battle for the vacant Intercontinental title with "100
pound" Aluminum ladders! Man, Someone might have
weighed them on Hulk Hogan's scale! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! NO MERCY 2004: (10/04/04) It's No Mercy! The PPV
that shows no sympathy for you or your wallet. Featuring
JBL, Undertaker, a hearse, a pantsless chauffer, and the
ultimate inhumanity of being locked inside of an
"inescapable" car! There's no escape through that, umm,
glass! So don't even try! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation! TABOO TUESDAY 2004: (10/19/04) It's Taboo
Tuesday! A HISTORIC night where, FINALLY, YOU get to
have your voice heard! It's just too bad what you end up
"saying" is what we've pretty much been seeing for 2
years anyway! Damn you for opening your big mouth!
Featuring: For the first time in history, the father of
the baby is aborted! HHH and 3/4's of Shawn Michaels
wage war! Chris Benoit helps two Quebecers separate...
from their tag titles! And Ric Flair gets a (legend)
killer behind bars! Click
HERE
to read the Recapitation! SURVIVOR SERIES 2004:
(11/14/04) Germans and Jews reconcile their differences
to stop the Grim reaper! John Cena returns from the
dead, and Jesus is at the forefront! plus, Booker T
prays for a sixth finger, and Randy Orton bursts the
bubble of the most inflated team in Survivor Series
history! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! ARMAGEDDON 2004:
(12/12/04) It's Armageddon! And as foretold in the
Bible, Jesus has returned! Only this time he's wielding
a cookie-sheet instead of a flaming sword! Who knew?
Plus, in the spirit of Cheech & Chong, Mexicans and
marijuana combine to make Dupree & Kenzo's title reign
go up in smoke! And despite the implications of
Armageddon, the World and
the World Title reign of JBL survive the night. Go
figure. Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION 2005! (01/10/05) Triple H
finally gets Chris Jericho & Chris Benoit in a chamber,
but forgoes the poison pellet! Plus, ROYAL RUMBLE 2005!
(01/30/05) The Road to Wrestlemania 21 begins, and
this time it's man who becomes road kill at the hands of
an animal! plus, Heidenreich ends up in a casket, but
not in the manner in which we'd prefer! JBL proclaims
his divinity! HHH does NO WAY OUT 2005! (02/20/05) Featuring the debut of
the dreaded CARNIVORE that was the Barb-wire steel cage!
It once survived on berries and shrubs alone, but now it
has a taste for men! (Just like Kanyon). Join Sean as he
passes out on the side of the Road To Wrestlemania, and
decide for yourself whether it was truly No Way Out, or
"Which way out?!" Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! WRESTLEMANIA XXI. (04/03/05) It was the
night Wrestlemania went BACKLASH 2005!
(05/01/05) Featuring Batista facing the single
greatest phenomenon to ever claim millions of innocent
lives: the NUCLEAR PEDIGREE~! Plus, Hulk Hogan & Shawn
Michaels (D-Generated (e)X Champions?) battling Daivari,
and a guy you're kinda supposed to forget ever
existed! It's Backlash, a show so memorable, I don't
even remember writing this Rant! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! JUDGMENT DAY 2005!
(05/22/05) It's Judgment Day, a day when God
passes judgment and punishment on all of humanity. And
what better way to punish people then to subject them
to a 13th consecutive JBL Main Event push? Plus,
Bob Holly gets his obligatory Spring-time tag title
shot, Mexican on tiny Mexican crime, Big Show relives a
Disney classic, and Orlando Jordan gets away with
murder! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! ECW ONE NIGHT STAND!
(06/12/05) Much like a real one night stand, ECW
delivered a night of no strings attached wanton
pleasure! Only, unlike a woman, it only cost us 35
dollars to get off! If only all one night stand's were
this fulfilling. In any event, join Sean as he looks at
the chaos, memories and brutality that was perhaps the
best pay-per-view of the last 5 years! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! VENGEANCE 2005! (06/26/05) Join the fun as HHH
and Batista move into the Devil's duplex, Kane, Edge and
Lita settle "divorce" the good old fashioned
way: with worked offense! HBK and Kurt Angle get
Biblical, and the Champ is still
here. All this plus much more! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! GREAT AMERICAN BASH 2005!
(07/24/05) The Not-So-Great American Bash. A night where
Undertaker single-handedly won the war on terror, Animal
found new love, and a Wrestling God punished us heathens
for our sins... by subjecting us to one of the worst
main event matches ever! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! SUMMER SLAM 2005! (08/21/05) It's the "Biggest
Party of the Summer". A night built entirely around a
match that for all intents and purposes looked like a
Hair Club ad for "Before" and "Way Before!" Plus, angry
atrophied Olympians look to murder the mentally
handicapped! An Animal battles a God that I suggest
might be a little more forgiving of UNFORGIVEN 2005! (09/18/05) It's WWE's
most unforgiving show of the year; and one that's
apparently never read a fucking dictionary in its life
because it's not even a real word: UNFORGIVEN!
Featuring: A VICTORY for committed relationships! The
end of racial intolerance as we know it! Divine
intervention interceding to help a loyal disciple escape
the clutches of a glorified rest-hold! Senior
citizens involved in Gang Bangs! And actual NUDITY on
PPV! (Dear God, it's not what you think.) You know, fun
for the whole family! Click
HERE to
read the Recapitation! NO MERCY 2005! (10/09/05) From the people who
brought you the Great American Bash, comes this season's
most uninteresting and forgetful Pay-per-view: No Mercy!
From BBQ'd wrestlers to BBQ'd cheeseburgers, to matches
built entirely around disgusting bodily functions,
there’s something for everyone! Unless you’re normal. In
that case you just saved yourself forty dollars! Click HERE to
read the Recapitation! ARMAGEDDON 2005. (12/18/05) It's Armageddon!
Undertaker and Randy Orton go to Hell! Tim White goes to
Heaven! The Mexicools stay in limbo! What more could you
want? (a decent show, maybe?) All this, Plus much more!
Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION 2006. (01/08/06) Just how
does a scumbag Adulterer become the top babyface in the
company? This PPV answers that question and more! Well,
except for the question of why Jerry Lawler is wrestling
on PPV. There's no answers for that! It's New Year's
Revolution!...over a week after New Years! But hey,
'Middle of January Revolution' don't sell pay-per-views,
baby! Featuring Grandmothers sexually assaulting Divas!
Mothers fighting their sons battles! And Son-in
Laws smiting Giants! Plus, the crowd has taken a page
from this show's name and revolted against John Cena!
Did they find justice? Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! ROYAL RUMBLE 2006.
(01/29/06) It's the RUMBLUS 2006: Where It All Begins
Again!? That's right. If you're a John Cena fan, this
was definitely your night; but if you're not, you're
probably still picking shards of TV glass out of your
fist right now! Plus, Rey Mysterio proves really big
things can happen to really little people, while Kurt
Angle versus Mark Henry proves that bad matches can
happen to great champions. All in all, you'll feel like
hurling yourself over the ropes after this Rant! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! WRESTLEMANIA 22
(04/02/06) It's Wrestlemania! The Grand Daddy of Them
All! Featuring actual Grand Daddy's wrestling in High
profile matches! It was a historic night, that saw one
streak end, two streaks continue, no one streak in a
Playboy match, and the need of selling merchandise
supersede the demands of a bunch of angry dudes. Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! BACKLASH 2006 (04/30/06) It's Backlash! A night
of Holy miracles and holy shit moments! A night where
God took a powder, The King of Kings jobbed for your
sins, and psychiatrists alike were baffled as to how we
can hear the inner most thoughts of tormented seven foot
demons! Just what did WWE have in store for us? Who
walked out as Champions, and who just plain didn't walk
out at all? Click
HERE to read the Recapitation! UNFORGIVEN 2006
(09/17/06) It's the pay-per-view that just won't let
bygones be bygones! It's Unforgiven. And Sean was there
LIVE. Join us as Sean recounts his crazy day, the full
show, plus provides a bonus satire! All this plus John
Cena gives ROYAL RUMBLE 2007
(01/28/07) It's the Royal Rumble! The 2nd most important
pay-per-view of the year's scheduled 3000! And Sean has
all your results and buffoonery. Kelly Kelly handles
your balls! Test puts the 'Extreme' back in extremely
shitty finish! Another Kennedy is killed in NO WAY OUT 2007 (02/18/07) It's BACKLASH 2007 (04/30/07) It's Backlash, the
pay-per-view that leaves a bad taste in God's mouth! A
night where the WWE Championship is contested by
six-degrees of Marines! A Fake Marine! A Disgraced
Marine! A guy who got his ass kicked by nine at once!
And a guy... who lived a few miles from Marineland?
Close enough. Plus, Bobby Lashley is no longer the
(child-like) face of ECW! Undertaker and Batista wrestle
to a dead (HIYO) heat! Cade & Murdoch generate no heat!
Sean has all your bases covered and more in one of the
biggest most jam-packed Rants EVER! Click
HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation! ONE NIGHT STAND 2007
(06/03/07) After two memorable consecutive One Night
Stands, WWE delivers the kind you blame fully on alcohol
and never ever admit to enjoying! It's One Night Stand
2007! And Dr. Vince has surgically removed 95% of ECW
in favor of Great Khali & Mark Henry! EC-DUBle cross! On
this night, John Cena makes Great Khali his own personal
Pun-jobber! Edge enters an Animal cage and lives to tell
the tale! Dominatrix Bobby Lashley enters into a S&M
relationship with Vince McMahon! (well, maybe just the S
part) and women wrestle in EXTREME pudding! What
more could you want? ECW? No soup for you. All this,
plus much more! Click
HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation! NO MERCY 2007! (10/01/07) On the account of no
visible PPV Rant coming in that month, Sean Carless
pulled himself from his stupor to pull us through with
a No Mercy Halfcapitation or, "HOW I GOT REALLY DRUNK
AND LEARNED TO TOLERATE A TRIPLE H EGO FUCK". It was the
greatest night in the history of the sport!... so long
as your last name was umm,
Hearst-Helmsley? That's right, in one night,
Triple H made up for missing the previous 8 months by
pinning everyone and everything in his path! Plus The
dreaded Punjabi Prison returned! You know, CYBER SUNDAY 2007 (10/28/07) It's Cyber Sunday!
The PPV that only sounds like a late night online
encounter with an alleged woman. But at least, during
that, there's a chance you might actually get what you
want. Ahem. On this night, we, the FANS had our voices
heard! Unless that voice was saying "We want ROYAL RUMBLE 2008 (01/29/08) Join Sean Carless
for another half-capitated spectacle of stupidity!
Superman Returns! Jeff Hardy is pinned by a Glass
Ceiling! Chris Jericho puts JBL in bondage, and
somewhere Billy Silverman is smiling! You know, before
remembering he's still unemployed. Plus, Roddy Piper and
Jimmy Snuka carry on their feud into the new millennium!
No coconuts were harmed, but a bowl of prunes may have
been consumed! All this, plus much more! Click
HERE
to read Sean's moronic rambling on all things RUMBLE.red-headed mono-browed step-child, Eugene &
Lita head to Medical facility in
TABOO TUESDAY 2005. (11/01/05) A night dedicated
to people who can't get laid! And just because it was
the lowest drawing WWE Pay-per-view EVER last year,
doesn't mean they shouldn't have tried it again! Oh
wait, yes it does. Regardless, it was the return
of a night where you finally had the power!...to choose
from three choices they've picked!...two of which are
horrible. But other than that, it's all up to you! YOU
WERE THE PROMOTER! Featuring, one man definitely not Big
Show or Kane joining Kurt Angle and John Cena in the
main event, HHH battling Ric Flair in a SURPRISE
"non-predetermined" match decided by YOU the fans (umm,
don't let that huge pre-assembled cage hanging above the
ring influence you!) ) and Batista steps in for Steve
Austin who had to move a love seat, to wrestle a career
worst match against Goldust, the Coach, and an extremely
obese Vader, who just earlier had three choices of his
own to make: Just what huge meal would he consume,
pre-match? (it was a three-way tie!) All this, plus much
more! Click
HERE to
read the Recapitation!
SURVIVOR SERIES 2005.
(11/27/05) From the people who brought you the complete
and utter destruction of Bret Hart's life comes Survivor
Series! It's RAW Vs. SmackDown! Men Vs. Women and
Children! And good sense versus the booking of a Teddy
Long Vs. Eric Bischoff match! On this night, WWE puts
that whole "brand extension" thing on hold for a night
of interpromotional mayhem! But things go back to normal
tomorrow, 'cause let's face it, you don't sell one
hundred ppv's in one year with just one roster! *ahem*.
Plus, the WWE title is on the line when The Marine John
Cena battles Kurt Angle. It's Leathernecks vs. Broken
Freakin' necks! Or something! Just how did Sean see Sur
Ser 2005? Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!Recapitation Halfcapitation!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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